Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey, are you Adal and... Iren? Iren? Irayan? Adal and Irayan? Yeah, that's right. Okay. Jake, as you will be right... No, no, I totally get it.

I panicked too. I was looking down at my name tag. I kind of forgot.

He will be right with you. He is just finishing some things up right now. Get excited. Get, you know, I know it's going to be, it's really exciting to meet JPC.

He made us come all the way down here to this fancy office building.

Is that a Klimt? Yes, you have a good eye. Hanging above the desk, is that a Klimt? That's a Klimt, yes.

Can I get you anything? Water, tea, coffee, handjobs? JPC did say that I have to say that last one, but I also will say that it's a joke, I will not be giving handjobs. Sounds like you're about to cry. Sorry, who are you? I am, this is, okay, I used to be called Paul, now I am CPJ. Wow.

And is this like an Adal? We obviously have to ask this. A Mrs. Doubtfire situation where you're pretending to be your own secretary, so you see how we treat your secretary?

It is a Mrs. Doubtfire situation, but no, not in the way that you think. There will be a drive-by fruiting at some point during... And get excited! Big smiles, big smiles. JBC likes to see big smiles, so make sure that you keep big smiles on when the fruit hits you.

Is it going to be like, because I think Pierce Brosnan got hit with a, Erin, what was it, like a nectarine or something?

He what?

You didn't hear it was all over the news. Pierce Brosnan is dead.

Oh my God.

It's going to be somewhere in the cantaloupe through watermelon family.

He's so handsome. He's so handsome.

Was, Erin, was.

Oh no.

But Mob Land Season 2 is out on Paramount+.

That can't be true. Oh my god, guys!

Have you been waiting long? Oh, JPC!

JPC with a full business on top, no pants on bottom.

A Donald Duck! A business duck! You think Donald Duss... Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me? I'm in the middle of getting a handjob, I slurred my words. You think Donald Duck is business on top? A grown duck wearing a sailor outfit.

Well, is a sailor not a job? All of a sudden, a sailor's a job.

Oh my god. I walked into it. Erin, this is a PR nightmare. Come for him. This is my laughing during the name reading of, oh no. Come for him. Oh no.

Any sailors, any sailors, let it be known, get in the comments, write Donald Dust. If you are a sailor and you are mad at Adal, write Donald Dust in the comments and come for him.

Ashes to ashes, Donald Dust to Donald Dust.

We were on vacation and we've only been back for four minutes and that's all it took. And that's all it took.

You know what I was thinking and this is, and I do want to get serious for a second.

Okay, let's be serious.

I do know that canonically they did say, some friends in the know, and I don't want to say names because I don't want to get them in trouble. They did say when Thanos snapped, Donald Duck first to go.

He was the first to turn into that gray dust.

Yeah, and he started, a lot of people started in different spots. He started the tail and it was just his beak talking at one point. And he went like, oh no, and then his beak dust, all dust.

And Daisy Duck sighed a sigh of relief, I'll tell you that much. She watched him turn to dust and went, this is a miracle.

I was not there. I was not there. So don't get in the comments and say I was hanging out with Donald Duck. I was not. I was not there. I had a person that I know, I won't even say friend, a person I know was there. I heard he started going into dust like four hours before the snap.

I have a question about the snap, instead of just ending this. I should have done it. I know Rule of Three, comedy, but I do have a question about the snap before I continue.

Erin, just very quickly, I assume you're going to ask about Goofy's Infinity Stone that's embedded in his forehead? Or no? You're shaking your head no. Okay, this is something else.

Wait, are you talking, Erin, now, because I have to know because you just said the snap, are you talking about when Will Smith hit Thanos at the Oscars?

No, I'm talking about the Zachary Quinto television show that got one season. Oh.

Because Goofy does have the goofstone in his forehead.

I know, I figured, I knew that, because that, like, they bring that up a lot. That was in Captain America Civil War thing.

And he had to kill Pluto to get the Goof Stone, right?

I know, and I know that.

He shows up with Pluto and he's like, one of us ain't walking away from here, gorsh!

Just because I'm a girl, you think I don't know that he had to kill Pluto to get the Goof Stone. I'm not well warmed up for this. I have a question about the snap.

Yeah, the snap.

Was there a rhyme or reason as to who left? Like, did Thanos go like, take out the 50% of the worst beings? Dude. Or was it random?

Erin, can I say, I want one of these fan recuts. You know the scene, the sequence, sorry, spoilers for Avengers Infinity War, a movie that if you live in the United States, you contractually had to see. Like, you could not have not seen this. But I want one of those fan recuts, but everybody who fades away, it's got their, like, salary on the fade away, and everybody who stays, it's got the salary of who's, what person stays. I want to see that.

I'd be curious to know. And who's a grower and who's a shower?

Oh yeah. What do we think? What do we think? Sebastian Stan? Both.

It grows. What?

It gets bigger.

Remember the core tenets of improv. Yes and. Okay. That's easy. I can yes and to this.

Erin Keif will return.

Sebastian Stan is a grower and a shuttler. Come on Erin, you can yes on this.

Come on.

You can figure this out. There's a way into this. There's a way for you to make this fun.

And I thought the metal art was big. Jesus Christ.

Who do you think would have disappeared in the snap if it had been me? Or if it had been us? Do you think I would have disappeared? Do you think all three of us would have been gone? That, I feel like, makes the most sense.

I think it would be me. I think you guys would stay and it would be me and it would be the best five years of your life. And when I came back five years later, I think you guys would be like, outwardly, you'd have to be happy. But I think there would be a part of you that was like, That was a little better with that.

Oh my gosh. Adal and I are so happy. We've had so much fun for five years. You're back.

Will you be giving your wife and kid your cut? Sure. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. We got to make this right.

I just feel like I would be alone.

Erin, I think you're right in terms of I feel like Erin would double over and be like, I don't feel so good. And be like, I'm scared. And then JPC and I would disappear and Erin would be like, that's fine. I still feel like, I don't know what's wrong. And it would be like you ate too many jelly beans or something. Yeah. And then you'd throw up and be like, huh, okay. That's so funny. You'd scrape us both into one dustbin, mixing our dust.

Adal, you're my mentor, obviously. I'm Spider-Man. I almost said Tony Soprano. That's not quite right, huh?

Tony Soprano.

Who am I thinking of?

Can you imagine Tony Soprano in the Iron Man suit?

Oh boy. He would look fantastic.

The Doctor Strange portal starts spinning and Big Pussy steps out.

Tone! I go, Mr. Rifai, I don't feel so good. And then you disappear, and I throw up a bunch of jelly beans. I think we landed on it.

I think Jarvis is like Joey, who is like, oh, Tone, on your six.

Hey, you.

Hey.

Missile cycle. Portal opens up, and a bunch of just, like, Kepprical, like, just falls out. Just a bunch of loose Italian meat.

You guys, we went on vacation. We have to turn over a new Italian leaf.

Oh, put a table down. Oh. No, but we are back, baby. It's Hey Riddle Riddle. You never noticed that we took two weeks off, but we did. I'm GPC. They felt it spiritually. Oh, they felt it. They felt it. And you guys all felt it, and welcome back to the show. And this is Hey Riddle Riddle. It's the podcast you love. It's the one about riddles. It's also the one about improv. It's the one about October. It's the one about spoopy season, as we all know.

So the reason Friends did that, titled every episode, The One Where They Blank, is so people could feel like they could jump in at any episode. Wow. Isn't that interesting?

And is that true or is that just something you're saying?

That's true. Oh. They made a cognizant decision to name everything something where it's like, oh, this is the one where they blank versus like, you know, big arcing stories or anything. I guess they had that, but.

And Adal, I don't know if you think this way, but what piece of information that you got in your head in high school had to leave your brain to hold space for that fun little piece of trivia?

I saw a person, it was probably my age, they were not necessarily a young person, but I was in a restaurant and I saw a person sitting in a booth, they had sandals with straps on them, they had taken their sandals off and they were sitting crisscross applesauce in a booth. And I was like, first of all, I don't think I'd be able to just do that. I don't think I don't socially and like physically. I think there are like two things preventing me from being able to do that. But I am fascinated by people who choose to take their shoes off in public places like that.

Oh, yeah. They're a different breed.

Let's try to figure out places that it's acceptable to take your shoes off. I think the beach, but I also think beach adjacent.

Yeah.

activities like I think if you are So, we're You're going to get peanuts all over your shoes, I'll tell you, or your feet. What am I talking about?

I'm going to say Jamba Juice, okay, because it's tropical.

I also think it's sort of... Beach adjacent. Beach adjacent. Like, maritime law in there.

Yes.

Like, I think it's kind of the Wild West. I think anything goes at a Jamba Juice.

Sell cigarettes.

Sell cigarettes.

Yeah. Some sovereign citizenship. Like, this car is for transit. I'm not carrying any commercial properties.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, for sure. Admiralty Court.

Of course, yes. We all know.

We all agree. We're all nodding.

You know, Natalie Wood was killed in a Jamba Juice. Famously.

Famously. Famously. Walker knows exactly what happened in that Jamba Juice, I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, I mean, there's just... Car wash? No.

You're inside your car, though.

Yeah, but I'm in a car wash. Me and my car are both in a car wash, right? I'm in a building.

You're not outside your car.

It's a wet building, but I'm in it.

Yeah, I think you're kind of weird for it. Why are you taking your shoes off in a car wash?

Today we're I know that a car wash is like high pressure and it would kick your ass, but there is a part of me, just a part of my brain that is like, man, I'd love to walk through one of those. Like an American Ninja Warrior course, like to see if I could do it, you know? I don't think you can.

I think that's going to be like a sandblaster. Also, my first thought, Erin, was that JPC wanted to get like, he wanted his feet on the carpeted floors of his car while it's getting detailed because he wants to feel those little suction vacuums.

Those are no joke.

That'll take a nail.

Yeah. I'm Erin Keif and this is Car Wash. It's just JBC trying to run through a car wash without getting hurt.

I make a car detailing appointment and they're like, what's the make and model? I'm like, it's a 1988 pervert. Yeah. Sir, we cannot detail a person. We can't get you back to factory level. A person?

No, no, no. It's a car. It's, hey, car's like 5'10", sort of blackish-brown hair.

Pervert energy.

I don't know if I have to tell you this up front, but the car is very ticklish in the knees and the back.

JPC, I do think that you'd be a great host for Car Wash, the Wipeout, American Ninja Warrior-style game show where contestants try to run through a car wash. Something to consider career-wise, I think.

I think I'm the right person to deliver the message to America that we have to stop the show because a person has died, and it's halfway through the first episode.

And you've been sitting on it for 20 minutes.

And in the background, you can just see people doing the CPR and everything. I'm trying to put a brave face on, but I'm looking over my back shoulder. We watched a person sign up for the optional undercarriage watch, and we watched them get launched 20 feet up into the ceiling and fall back down. That's a dead person.

I'm crying. Oh my god. You've been sitting on it for 20 minutes.

I'd also love like, I don't want to explain this, like being able to drive through like a DZ Discovery Zone. Like a car in like a DZ Discovery Zone.

What do you think would be fun to knock over the most?

I think a car going through like a ball pit full speed.

Oh yeah.

Something like that.

Down a slide. Car going down a water slide.

Oh my God. This is not advice Adal, I'm not giving you any advice, but have you ever considered? Just a car walk. Because like boardwalks have like big arcades on them too, and you can get a car down a boardwalk. Now I think you might, I'm not saying do this, and if you're listening I'm not endorsing doing this, but I think you can get a car kind of Hitting one of those arcades is pretty easy.

Your face is gonna be on the news.

Here's the thing, I drive, exactly, I drive a car recklessly down the boardwalk. You know, Iron Bus is gonna come get me. Oh, that's right. They say it's Tony Soprano, but no one knows for sure.

It's Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony. He's the Iron Bus. Well, look, this is Hey Riddle Riddle, obviously. It's a podcast about riddles and improv and all that stuff, and we will get to that, but we're gonna get to that after this little break. Erin, Adal, you guys, you guys have to help me. You have to help me.

What's going on, buddy? Are you okay?

Fall just started and I know fall just started and please don't make fun of me for this because I know fall just started like yesterday. But I've only had pumpkin spice to eat for the last 48 hours. I'm only eating the spice.

Oh, okay. Okay. We understand. We totally understand.

I'm so hungry. I feel like I'm dying. It's only pumpkin spice.

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Hey everybody, it's JPC. Well, it happened again. I was in the market for a weather balloon, I had stopped at a roadside weather balloon stand, and as I was browsing kind of the new weather balloons, the 2026s, the 2027s that have just kind of hit the lot, they release in fall of the previous year, I got all of my clothes snagged on a weather balloon and the dang thing took off and took all of my clothes with it. So, completely naked and I'm thinking to myself, JPC, why does this keep happening to you? And then I thought, well, it doesn't matter, my friend, because you can go to Quince. Quince focuses on high-quality wardrobe staples made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and merino wool. The styles are timeless, versatile, and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for day after day. And I'll be honest with you, I put on this 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater, and this thing is not breaking the bank. It starts at just $60. And I thought, there's no way this thing gets snagged on another weather balloon and pulls all my clothes off up into the sky to who knows where. And when temperatures start to drop, it's more important Today we're going to be talking about how to make the most out of your money. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when quints ask where you heard about them, let them know it was Hey Riddle Riddle, and more specifically, it was JPC who got all his clothes stolen by a weather balloon. It's the best way to support the show. Hey guys, it's JPC. Before we get into it, I just have to say I am so thankful for the outpouring of support, the letters, the emails. It really touches me to know that so many people care. Ultimately, I did show some of that stuff to the witch. She said it was not enough to prove that I have lived a life of import, and so the curse is going to remain in place. Not the outcome that I know a lot of us were hoping for. So I will be turning back into a pumpkin at midnight. But guys, I'm not upset about it at all. We had a good run. And I want to thank everyone again for the support. And speaking of support, if you need some support, like, you know, that cup of coffee in the morning or an energy drink, why don't you give Ultra Pouches a try? Ultra pouches are completely nicotine-free and completely caffeine-free. And you're probably thinking, if they don't have nicotine or caffeine in them, what exactly is in them? That's a great question. Ultra has partnered with leading neuroscientists to design these pouches that use clinically proven nootropics and adaptogens to deliver immediate focus and smooth energy that lasts 1-2 hours. One to two hours is great. That's kind of as much time as I have left before I turn back into a pumpkin, and I did confirm with the witch that is going to be forever. More specifically, Ultra pouches use Infinity PX, L-theanine, Alpha GPC, and Vitamin B6 and B12. They are truly clean, plant-powered pouches designed to sharpen your mind and lift your energy all without caffeine, nicotine, or Crash, and if you're fasting or on a diet, ultra pouches actually help quiet cravings and suppress appetite, keeping you locked in to achieve your goals. I'm also seeing these everywhere. They're basically blowing up. 90% of users saw significant improvements in their overall focus levels. I'm talking calm, steady flow state focus, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood balance, all with zero nicotine and zero caffeine. And they're trusted by top athletes, entrepreneurs, and engineers around the world. And let me tell you about the flavors. We've got cool, mint, wintergreen, tropical, watermelon, blue ras. Very thankful that they do not have a pumpkin flavor, even though it is appropriate for fall. For me, if I had that now, it would be, you guessed it, cannibalism. So, Ultra is the ultimate guilt-free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use code RIDDLE to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com. That's TakeUltra.com for 15% off with code RIDDLE. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support Hey Riddle Riddle and tell them that our show sent you. Do not mention the thing about the pumpkin thing or me turning back into the pumpkin. They won't ultimately care about that.

And we're back and I just want to say thank you to all these animals who have been so patient. Guys move, go ahead, move that bus and the rope and let's see a da da da da da da da. Here's what's next! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. A rat with a mouse wife? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

A gorilla with a meth problem?

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. An add-x with an Amex card?

It's Animal Braid! Animal Braid! I think we were just naming what we could see.

Around the room there's an add-x. There's a tapir. A rat with a mouse wife.

I know, isn't that weird?

I had no idea. This is an email we have from Rachel. Rachel says, you can use my name, says animal parade article, chimp fashion trend. Of course, you can send animal parade articles to hrrpodcastathuman.com. Hello. Woke up this morning and checked my news app and was greeted with the usual fire hose of bad news, but thankfully also this absolute gem immediately thought of you all and animal parade. Um, and guys, the title of this article is chimps are sticking grass and sticks in their butts seemingly as a fashion trend.

I just heard about animals doing fashion trends last night at Quality Time. Olivia let me know that I think it's whales are putting like seaweed and stuff on their heads as like sort of like a fashion trend. Oh my god, right?

Whales coming back from Turkey.

And I think like dolphins are like grabbing little leaves. I think that they're like tween trends among animal kingdom. I just learned about this. I cannot wait to talk about it.

This is incredible. That is so cool. But it's also like, is that us looking at the whale putting leaves on its head and being like, that's gotta be for fashion, right? Like we can't, we can't know.

I think they all started doing it. If multiple whale, let me Google this. Casey's typing. He's about to be like, you're all so stupid.

I feel like in 10 years we're going to find out some guy was stapling leaves to whale heads and we were all like, this is beautiful. And it was really a crime.

Whales.

Casey says, yeah, and it's passed between pods or something, I think they said. Oh, great. So they talked about another pod, Casey. Save that shit. You don't need to say that shit to us, Casey. Come on, man. Casey, you work for this pod, OK? Yeah. Don't be trying to pass this off on fucking gutter. Yeah, it's Orca. Oh, Casey's putting this on gutter. If I listen to next week's fucking gutter, Casey, there's a bit about goddamn whales wearing clothes. You're dead meat.

Huh. Yeah. Oh, and then a year ago, they started wearing them again. I think they started wearing them in the 80s.

Oh, it's called Cyclical Trends.

Cyclical, classic trend cycle. What is it, every 20 years? Oh my God, of course.

I love it. 25 years, it'll be like, leaves on the head are back. Yeah. And some older whales, like, oh my God, I wore leaves on my head when I was a kid.

Belly button piercings are back for orca whales. 20 year cycle. Low-rise jeans on those whales.

Trent, we're not eating seals. Oh my gosh.

Is that out? Is that gone? Are there like slightly older whales that are like, I don't care about wearing leaves on your head. I'm still going to wear kelp on my side. I don't care if it's not cool. And if no one thinks it looks cool, it's what I'm comfortable with.

And you're like, no one cares if you think it's cool. You're 35. Come on. It's okay. Why are you trying to keep up with the younger orcas? That's a young man's game. Where were you at?

Okay, wait, before we get into this animal print, I do want to get into it. Can I tell you about the thing? I think that this is a younger generation. I see teens. Every time I'm out and I see teens eating at restaurants, this is something that they do and I just cannot even fathom doing it. I went to a diner the other morning by myself and I sat down at the counter and I put my headphones in and I listened to a podcast while I was eating my breakfast. I see people like teens in groups eating and talking and whatever, but they have their AirPods in the entire time. Do you guys see this? To me, this is nuts behavior. Like I, I just can't. I'm like, if I have a conversation with someone, are they listening to something while they're doing it? Why, why don't you just take it out and put it in its case or your pocket or something?

Now, I, in teaching, um, at a, I won't say the school, just to, I don't want to put my students on blast. In teaching at a certain school, improv, I have had students before where they have AirPods in the whole time. And I'm like, do you mind taking those out during class? And they're like, Oh, I need them for X, Y, Z, just for like whatever reason.

So... Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't skip over the reason.

What's the reason?

Can I hear one reason? What's one good reason? A reason I have heard that people are keeping AirPods in is there's nothing playing, but the noise canceling feature is on. Oh. So it is... I don't know, man. It makes the world a tiny bit quieter.

The reason I heard from students is there's a really good episode of Your Mom's House with Tom Segura, and I agree that that's a viable reason to wear earplugs and glasses.

That would be so funny if 19-year-olds were listening to Tom Segura. Let me just skip over the fun part of life and get to the saddest, saddest part of the middle part.

Mr. Rifai, he's interviewing Steve-O, and it's actually really fascinating.

I'm 17 and I'm really into Burt Kreischer. Burt Kreischer I think speaks to me in my experience as a 17 year old boy. Yeah, okay, the noise cancelling thing like... I get it, I guess, and I don't, I don't, I'm just, it doesn't make any sense to me, but I guess I, I guess I accept that as an answer.

I think I would rather be wearing, like, earplugs than AirPods, I think. If for noise cancelling. But, do what you gotta do. Make sure you're not actually listening to something when your friend's talking to you.

That's the hope. Yeah. I would say if I had one AirPod in and it was playing like explosions in the sky, then I'm like, whoa, every conversation is a movie.

Yeah.

This is the soundtrack to my life. And that's pretty cool. But anything other than explosions in the sky is rude.

The whole time we're recording, I've got you, babe, by Sonny and Cher playing full blast in both my ears. It's the only way I can tolerate this.

Yeah, I'm listening to the Kenny Loggins' Highway to the Danger Zone right now, just kind of like, that's the only way. By the way, in my mind, the podcast is badass. This is one of the coolest fucking shows on the planet. Okay, I'm ready to hear about the chimps. I'm sorry. Chimps?

Oh, chimps are sticking grass and sticks in their butt. Seemingly, it's a fashion trend. Okay. A group of chimpanzees in Zambia have resurrected an old-fashioned trend with a surprising new twist. Fifteen years after a female chimpanzee named Julie first stuck a blade of grass into her ear and started a hot new craze, I feel like the journalist is really adding their own… color to this.

Well, the journalist admires Julie, and I'll be honest, so do I.

There's no such thing as objective journalism anymore. It's everyone's putting their own personal experience on everything.

To be a chimp named Julie who starts a fashion trend by putting sticks up your butt is the highest form of being cool that I can think of.

Gorillas in the Mist would never.

It's Gorillas with the Mist meets Devil's Wear Prada. Devils wear Prada?

I think only one devil wears it. Who is the gorilla in the mist?

Stanley Tucci is the devil. Stanley Tucci spent time. Who was the lady who spent all the time with... Jane Goodall? Jane Goodall would never. No. Let's see. Started a hot new craze among her cohort at the Chimfunshi Wildlife Orphanage as an entirely new group of chimps at the refuge have started doing the same thing. The chimps, he says, have been putting blades of grass and sticks into their ears and anuses and simply letting them dangle there for no apparent reason. In fact, the researchers suspect the chimps learned the behavior from people, the ear part that is.

Hold on.

All the chimps are sticking things in their ass and it appears there's no reason for them doing it. Does anyone know why?

Turn to the zookeeper, who's looking up and away. He's looking up and away.

In this case, we call that the Superman. In this case, the team traced the new quirk to a male chimp named Juma, J-U-M-A, who seems to have originated the grass in butt variation. Okay. Wow. Thanks Juma.

I just know I won't be able to pull it off. You know, like if I go out to the bar and I do that, it's just gonna look try hard.

Yeah. What's the most, what's the most, if you're looking back at your long and lustrous life, what's the most embarrassed that you have been to participate in a trend? Do you remember, do you remember like being like? I know, I know mine. Oh do you? Go, please.

Mine was my sophomore year of high school, which would have been, let's call it, 98. Okay. All my friends were seniors. Well, all my best friends were seniors. So they invited me to their senior lock-in. My friend Mike and Brad would invite me to the senior lock-in.

Those are such cool senior friend names. I love it.

Yeah. Truly. Brad Kiefner and Mike Walker, the best.

Hell yeah.

He paved the way for me. Yeah, but you've always had a Keif in your life. Isn't that something?

Hey, that's right. Wow. Pretty cool.

God bless the broken road that led me straight to you. I love you, buddy.

Cuts to precious moment. But they invited me to the senior lock-in, so I was like, oh, I'm going to be with all the seniors, and I'm the only non-senior in attendance, so I have to wear something fun. So I went to, I want to say, wasn't Gadzooks, I can't remember what store it was, but I bought a Stussy bucket hat.

I'm sorry, excuse me, hold on.

And I remember being like, this isn't my typical style, but I'm like, no, it's not. I'm like Stussy and maybe it was like PacSun or something. Yeah, but it was a bucket hat. And I'm like, I think you probably pulled it off. Thank you for

If we're talking about posting bad photos, I think I could probably find this one of me. Now, it's not really a clothing choice, but it was, I would say, kind of a fashion choice. When I was 19 or 20, and, you know, Adal, you're a bearded man. There is a certain age where you are starting to be able to grow facial hair, but not like all the facial hair that maybe you're going to be— Was it a goatee? Well, Erin, it was— Was it a goatee? Erin, the goatee was the better of the looks.

Oh no, what are you talking about? Not that little patch. Not the patch.

I rocked—no, no, no, I didn't do a soul patch. I rocked a goatee— The first goatee? The first goatee that I ever rocked, it was before any, like, mustache was able to—so it was just a chin goatee. It was like a chin patch, but like full, like not, it was, it was bad.

It was just chin goatee. And I remember- So you look like, like the bassist from Incubus or something.

Oh yeah. I, bassist, I mean, 19 year old bassist from Incubus vibe. It was, I saw a picture of myself. I went on a trip to Boston, and by the way, on that trip to Boston, I didn't make out with a person. And now thinking about it, I'm like, Oh man, they had... Was it me? They had so many better options. They had so many better options to make out with the guy that just had a chin strap instead of having... Oh, it was someone from your school. I see. No, it was a person I was visiting at college's friend. But I was... It was a really, really, really bad look. And every time I see a photo of me from that year of my life, I'm like, you should have just waited. Just keep shaving and wait. It was going to get better for you. What about you, Erin? Do you have an embarrassing trend that you participated in?

Oh, so many. But the one that comes to mind, because it was also so physically uncomfortable, was the double pop collar polo trend. Two thick, Abercrombie polos stacked. The sweat that you sweat in those. The claustrophobia of two pop collars around your neck. Just brutal.

And I don't understand it because the 19-year-old ripped men in the black and white Abercrombie catalog off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why not me?

So why aren't we all pulling it off?

Why not me?

Me ordering a shirt online and be like, what the fuck? Why does it look like this? And like going back, the model is 6'2 and 125 pounds. What the fuck? What the fuck? How can a person be that?

What movie is immediately ruined by the facial hair that JPC had? The chin strap. I'll go first. Good Will Hunting, Minnie Driver. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Adal Hayden, do you mind?

Traffic Park, One of the Dinosaurs.

Just a cool velociraptor.

Yeah. Hey man, do you want to see me play guitar?

He's got an Altoids case with weed in it.

That's cool. That's cool.

Clever girl. Clever girl.

I shouldn't use a gendered word here.

Clever guy. Clever you. Clever you. Clever you.

Freebird. Velociraptor tuning his guitar. Freebird. How about Freebird?

Hey, let me ask you, Adal, is it okay if we see a scene inspired by the article that you read? Hell yeah. Okay, I want to see a scene, Adal, we are, you and I are both chimps, Erin, you're also a chimp, but Adal and I are still on the blade of grass stuck on our ass trend, and Erin, you are trying to start a new trend and you're trying to get us interested in it.

Haha, ass or grass? Grass. Amen, yeah. Yours is looking great. Thank you. How do you get it to stay? Is it... Clench the whole time. You're clenching. Yeah, when I get home, my butt is ruined.

Hey guys! Full business suit, walking like a human woman.

Whoa, Debra! What is... Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hi guys! Cute grass or whatever.

What the hell's happening here, Debra? What are you... What is this?

Oh, were you talking about the way I'm walking and the way I... the things I have in my body?

Yeah, you keep walking by really fast like you're in a hurry, but you keep doing it in front of us, right in the sort of 10 feet in front of us.

Well, if you must know, someone dropped their portable DVD player and a DVD of Ally McBeal was in there.

There's blood on the portable DVD player.

Somebody dropped it when I pulled it out of their hands.

Okay.

And now I sort of, I fancy myself sort of an Ally McBeal type. Your words, not mine.

I don't know what Ally McNeil is.

I'm having it all. Ally McNeil from the 90s or something.

Can I be honest with you Deb? It's giving more of a Robbie Williams and Better Man vibe. Oh yeah, the monkey biopic.

I heard that was better than everyone thought it was going to be.

I also heard it was better than everyone thought. I just don't know who Robbie Williams is. Here's the thing. I don't either, but when you say that, people from the UK lose their mind. Lose their fucking mind. They go, what are you talking about? He's like the biggest thing ever. I'm like, Godspeed, I don't know who he is.

Why are we talking about a man that started with us talking about Ally McBeal? Jane Krakowski's on the show.

It's from the- Oh, Jane Krakowski.

Oh, Jim Krakowski.

Jim Krakowski?

Late 90s, early 2000s?

No, Jim Krakowski. Is it because his name is Robbie Williams, which just sounds like Robin Williams, like a much more famous person? Is that it?

You know what, guys? You can deal with your archaic grass in your ass.

Archaic?

Fashion styles. I am embracing the turn of the century. It's 1999, maybe. Who knows? And I am a new woman.

We zoom out and we see a calendar and it is 2026. We'll zoom back in.

And I am a new woman. Well, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going off to my lawyer job where I'm probably going to flirt with someone. I don't know. Erin's never seen Ally McBeal.

Whoa, a desk in the jungle? What the hell?

A jungle desk.

Whoa, and she has one of those chairs, what are those called, with like the footstool with the leather? Helmet, what is it called?

Herman. It's Herman Lang.

Whoa.

How did I know that?

I went to Macy's and I got these pumps and everyone screamed, if you can believe it. But then I got a free MAC lipstick out of it because I took it. Anyways, back to work. She's eating a banana.

Taking off her pants and shitting on the desk.

Whoa, Todd, should we put two blitzy grass in her ass?

My name's Todd!

What is Ally McBeal about?

We don't know. We can't know. Wasn't Ally McBeal the one that had the CGI baby, like an early CGI that was like really bad?

I can't stop this feeling. Yes.

Arguably the first viral TV show clip.

I guess so.

Do you guys want to wager how much a Herman Miller chair goes for? A new one?

$3,500?

Or a vintage one?

I'm just, I'm looking, I don't know man, I'm looking at Herman Miller chairs on their website. Oh my god! Like $5,000? Yeah, about $5,000, yeah. That's insane. $5,000 to $6,000 to $8,000. For your ass?

Come on, what are we doing? I don't know, man. If you can afford $5,000 chairs, I need you to take a big deep breath and maybe email me, okay? Before you buy one of those, because I can think of a lot better use for your money.

You know me as a chair. I'll take it.

They say what? Spend the most money on things that take you off your feet or something? Like shoes, mattress, right? Isn't that the old adage? Oh, that's good advice.

I've never heard that before.

They say that you spend a third of your life on a mattress, right? Sleeping, so you should, and you know, and you spend what? Probably a third of your life in a chair, so maybe it does make sense.

A third of your life in shoes, so.

Yeah.

Shoes, chairs, and mattresses.

God, if you could sell a three-in-one product that was both shoes, chairs, and a mattress, oh my god, you'd be rolling in it. You could charge $10,000!

Which, when divided by three, is not so much a deal. Not that big of a deal. But what is a deal is that on this podcast you get riddles for free. So let's get into it.

Wow. No, there is a major cost.

There's a price to your soul. There's a picture of me turning into a monkey in an attic somewhere. So there's definitely a cost to it. Didn't really read that book. Don't really know how it works out for him.

Yeah. Dorian Gray was a chimpanzee.

We have to assume. For Review Crew, we should do a thing where Adal and I watch Better Man and Erin watches an episode of Ally McBeal and then we review it.

I heard Better Man was actually pretty good. I heard that too.

I heard that three.

A friend of the show, Damon Royster, who was recently on a Patreon episode, I think loves Ally McBeal. Or I'm guessing. But he loves TV shows like that, so I'm going to go ahead and assume. He watched The Good Fight. So that's just a sneeze away from Ally McBeal, I assume.

Um, misquoted Rolling Stone lyric. Just a sneeze away. Um, can I just say, just very quickly, I've been, for whatever reason, on my phone and social media, I've been served up a lot of clips from The Mentalist. And you know what? I'm thinking we might have to review an episode of The Mentalist. Cause it feels, it feels like Sherlock Holmes if Sherlock Holmes was a mentalist.

The Mentalist is also the bad guy from Devil Wears Prada. I say bad guy, but there's not really a bad guy. He was also the Punisher. No. He was the original Punisher, Thomas Jane, right? No, Thomas Jane isn't the Mentalist. The Mentalist is the guy with the blonde hair, right?

I thought that was Thomas Jane.

No, no, no, no. Right? Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Erin, who's wrong?

Am I going to have to watch The Mentalist? Just tell me the truth.

Casey says it's Simon Baker, not Tom Jane. His name is Simon Baker. He is the... No, no, no. Patrick Jane. The actor's name is Patrick Jane Adal.

Oh.

He plays Simon Baker. Do we think he's related to Tom Jane? Are we all? Are we all?

Huh?

Maybe they're brothers? They're both really handsome.

That guy could play the Punisher.

Okay, I'm so wrong. Patrick Jane is the fictional name of the guy who is on The Mentalist. He is played by Simon Baker. Simon Baker is the actor. Okay, okay.

We could have a blonde Punisher.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if America's there. I just don't know if we're ready.

No, I don't think so. Nice to hope, though. It's nice to hope, isn't it?

Let's punt. Let's just do riddles, I guess, and not recast.

Oh, did we not tell our listeners that we're in charge of culture now? It's the three of us all day in a boardroom, and we're punting on a lot.

Grass in the butt, blonde Punisher. Grass in the butt, blonde Punisher.

Grass in the butt, blonde Punisher.

We just have a big white board that just says Punisher with a perm on it, and a bunch of crossed out scribbles like, that's the only good idea we've had so far.

It says Oprah on Dancing with the Stars and it's crossed out and rewritten like six or seven times.

What can be caught but never thrown? The Mentalist.

A queen.

Whoa. You could, honestly, you could never throw The Mentalist. He's two steps ahead.

That's his whole thing.

And that's the thing, is in the clips I've seen, it is out-fucking-landish.

Yeah.

The scenarios in which he's planned ahead. What if we get Columbo, but we make him hot? Ooh, we make him hot.

What do you mean make him hot?

Columbo?

Oh, Erin.

And he's also hot.

Oh, Erin's clutching a poster of... Okay.

My Peter Falk poster.

Peter Falk, of course.

That monologue that Peter Falk does in Murder by Death. is so fucking funny where he does this whole, he's like a New Yorkie detective and he does this whole monologue where he seems so cool and he goes, well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go use the little boy's room and he leaves. And it's like such a cool moment. And then his partner goes, you'll have to excuse Sam. He got shot in the head last week. He shouldn't even be out of the hospital. I've never been more jealous of a line of just someone nailing a moment and seeming so cool. I'm like, I should have done that in improv shows. JPC does something awesome on stage and I go, you need to excuse JPC. He got shot in the head last week. He shouldn't even be out of the hospital.

That's such a great tagline. Erin, if you ever have a chance, I saw Peter Falk as Columbo during a roast of Frank Sinatra. He comes in character as Columbo.

I'm like a dog hearing all my favorite words. What do you mean?

And it's so fucking funny because he's playing Columbo and then at some point he's like, My wife, Frank, my wife's a big fan. Could you make, could you get an autograph? And he does an autograph on like a napkin and he's like, oh, I'm sorry. Could you put my name first and makes him cross it out? It's a whole- That's so fun. A whole bit, but- Oh, I love it. Really delightful.

Oh my God.

What can be caught, but never thrown?

A cold.

Erin, you are very close. This is something that comes from the head. Ugh.

A sneeze?

Comes from the head.

Sounds like me in high school. An idea. You know what I'm saying? Possum must have been real nice. Yeah. Erin, sneeze is even closer. A spit.

A yawn.

It's a from a yawn. A yawn. I do want to see a scene. Great. Okay. Erin, you are Sleeping Beauty.

Great.

JBC, you are, I want to say Prince Charming? Is that who wakes up?

I'm really trying to remember Sleeping Beauty. Let's go with it.

Yeah. So you two are on a date, and Erin, you are just really having a hard time staying awake.

So you were saying about crypto?

Yeah, so basically since my dad's the king, all he has to do is like say that like, hey, this is like it's happening. And so then me and my friends, we like, absolutely buy as much of it as we can. And then we wait until we short it. So we basically wait until the price gets high enough. And then when we sell, it's like a rug pull, but it's like for a good cause, because it's like enriching like me.

Right, but that's not like market manipulation if your dad's the keg, right?

No, no, no. Market manipulation? Well, that's a big word. Huh. Where'd you go to school? Or...

Oh, you asked me a question. Sorry, I just was confused you haven't asked me a question in like three hours.

Are you just like sleeping or like?

Am I?

You keep like yawning, so it's like, oh, did you like want to like get out of here and like?

Um, yeah, I do want to get out of here.

Do you want to sleep together or sleep together?

Um, do I want to sleep?

I'm a great sleeper.

Oh, um, I've only ever heard like four-year-olds say that. Um...

Oh, I could kick any four-year-old's ass in sleeping. For sure.

You could kick a four-year-old's ass?

For sure, yeah. For sure, yeah. Chair scrapes behind them.

What did you say? Oh my god.

Okay.

What the fuck did you say? I'm gonna pretend I have a medical emergency. Sorry, my date is just... he's been... You know, Brian and the boys and I, we were talking and we were saying it's... I have a dull day, we'd be up for an ass-kicking.

Sorry about my date, he's been drinking Miller High Lifes. Like, four every twenty minutes. He's not.

Can I get four more Miller High Lifes, by the way? Oh, jeez. And a round of Miller High Lifes for these four-year-olds as well.

Well, thank you mister, make a milk.

Yeah, let's make a milk. Milk our highlights, please. The champagne of milk.

We cut to her later talking to her mom on the phone. I think I met my husband.

Oh my gosh. Tell me everything.

Okay, so he's the worst man I've ever met.

Oh, you're marrying your father.

Sleeping Beauty is the one I'm not I'm not super familiar with is that why she because like Snow White I want you to guess let's I think this is a fun thing This is in your cultural periphery if we are to be in charge of culture from now on Every you guys take your best guess at what you think Sleeping Beauty is

I think I know. But the thing about Sleeping Beauty, if I'm not wrong, because I think what it is, is she is not asleep for very long at all, right?

I don't think so.

Snow White is the one that's asleep for like a long ass time because of the poison apple or something, but Sleeping Beauty is asleep for like a night.

Hmm. Someone pricks their finger on a spinning wheel.

Mm-hmm.

Who's that?

That's Rumpelstiltskin, baby. Or something.

And who's the guy who sleeps for a hundred years under a tree? Is that Rip Van Winkle?

Yeah, that's gotta be Rip Van Winkle. That's why the people started saying RIP. They're like, no, dude, he's just sleeping. No, that guy's, it's like Mitch McConnell.

He's sleeping.

I thought the way Sleeping Beauty went is a witch cursed Sleeping Beauty on like her 18th birthday and then on her 18th birthday she like meets the nice prince and then they hide her out in the woods and she becomes Bramble Shanks or something.

Hold on. Wait, I'll be damned. In the movie, Sleeping Beauty's asleep for like a day and Snow White is asleep for one calendar year. We're naming our princesses wrong.

This fucks me up.

Sleeping Beauty goes to sleep for like 12 hours and she gets to be called Sleeping Beauty.

She goes to sleep, they said a few hours or a day is what it says.

I slept for 31 hours when I had pneumonia so... Briar Rose.

Briar Rose is her name. Briar Rose.

Yes.

Now who's Briar Tuck? Briar Tucker, Briar Rose, Rockin' Through the Forest, Scribble Shakes, Scribble Shakes, Scrabble do do do. Yeah, Sleeping Beauty and Sleeping and Snow White, they all got to get their fucking names checked. They need new names across the board for all of these. They don't describe them at all.

Okay, so let's think tank. Okay, Sleeping Beauty, Napping. Napping Cutie.

The Napping Cutie.

The Napping Cutie. The Cutie Napper. Normal.

Normal girl.

Adult woman.

Adult. Normal lady.

Normal sleeping woman.

I say Cinderella. You go, I have no idea what that story is. But what if we rename her. Here's my name for Cinderella. Unique Foot. Ooh. Unique, but you know exactly what the story's going to be, right?

Can you imagine taking a glass slipper around a village and only one woman's foot fits in it? What are we doing?

Yeah, right. I bring that glass slipper around the village. I'm breaking it around. There's going to be, let me tell you this, there's going to be a lot of chimps putting glass slippers up their asses. I'll tell you that much for free.

Huh?

Huh?

You're telling me out of 1,300 women, there's one size seven?

Um, part of my time off was I was on the East Coast watching Riley's nieces and nephew for a brief amount of time, but he went back to school.

Like a PI thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just making sure.

Here's the pictures. Kelly's drinking a lot of milk lately. And Roland likes Ritz crackers.

You're like, why were you outside? Come inside.

Why is there red thread connecting Ritz crackers? It doesn't matter.

I'm trying to figure it all out. But we watched one of the girls is super into Cinderella right now. And I was like, you know what you might love. And she was like, I don't know.

Newsies. Newsies.

But I put on the Brandy Cinderella and it was raining outside and she freaked for it. Guys, the Brandy Cinderella, and I know I've talked about it on the show before, and very sweet, a very, very, very sweet listener brought me a DVD copy of it. So I'm not going to tread Back on it. But Jason Alexander is having the time of his goddamn life in that movie. Everyone's having so much fun. Victor Garber's having fun. Whoopi Goldberg's having fun.

Is Jason Alexander one of the, is he like Gus Gus or something?

Adal, he's playing a man. Oh, okay. Who works for the king and queen.

My apologies to Jason Alexander.

But I love that you thought he was the kind of dumb mouse that works for Cinderella. He would love that. Oh man.

I showed Riley's niece and nephew Cinderella Man. What did they think? They were like, what else does Russell Crowe do? And I go, oh, you are in for- Just you wait.

Master and Commander.

No, right to Craven the Hunter. Come on. I said, you're going to love him at his worst. If you love him at his best, you're going to love him at his worst.

And you didn't show them Javert though, did you?

No, I thought, just in my mind, I thought that was Gerard Butler, so I skipped over it.

Now, did Cinderella, am I crazy, did Cinderella Man, the sort of modeling period piece with Russell Crowe and Bulgy Body, did that have a song by Eminem, or he just went, Cinderella Man, Cinderella Man, Cinderella Man?

I've been saying this for two months, but I swear to God I've beamed from another timeline. I'm gonna need you to slow down and walk me through what you're talking about because I'm from a different universe.

Now Eminem famously did a song for 8 Mile, won an Oscar, I believe. He did a song for Venom, where he was like, Venom, Venom, Venom. He did a song for The Longest Yard, a prison football movie.

Sounds like he's just saying the name of the newbie.

I think in the song he did for The Longest Yard, I think he literally goes,

Throwing footballs, touchdown, punt the ball.

Like, I think he literally just had a list of football throws. You think he got paid? You think he got a check? You think he cashed a check? You think that check spit? You think that money spit at the bank? It did. I could have sworn. that I saw Cinderella Man in theaters at the end during the credits, I feel like, did Eminem have a song called Cinderella Man where I was like, why is, this is like a 1918 serious movie.

So Cinderella Man, if you guys have not seen it, Cinderella Man is about a man in the, what, 1900s or whatever, that wants to play in the W, he can't play in the NBA, so he tries to play in the W NBA.

Oh, what am I thinking of?

And he has to dress up like Cinderella to do it. Um, so that's why it's called Cinderella Man. I'm thinking of Joanna Man.

No, Adal, this is so funny. The lyrics to Eminem's Cinderella Man. I'm not even kidding. I'm just gonna read out the lyrics.

Okay.

Yeah, you know, technically... I'm not even really supposed to be here right now.

Erin sing the real lyrics.

So fuck it, might as well make the most of it. That's the beginning of it.

This sounds like an Asher Roth song.

Yeah, you know, technically I'm not really supposed to be here right now, so fuck it, might as well make the most of it. He's like, I'm not supposed to be really doing a song for this movie.

In my mind, that means, like, the video for that is him, like, warped back into, like, the 1900s, and he's like, what's Eminem doing back here? Like, I gotta get out of here.

You know, technically, I'm not supposed to be here right now, but now that I'm here, I'll sing you a little song. Oh, brother.

And here's Eminem's lyrics from his song from The Longest Yard titled, My Balls. I can't wait. Balls with a Z. Football. Football. I love football. Yes. Trace. Dos. Uno. Dos. Trace. Fuck. Shit. Bitch. Asshole. Son of a bitch. Everybody cuddle. Blah. I mean huddle. I just stepped in a mud puddle. Butthole.

I don't know. This is your impression of Eminem. I'm not joking.

I'm not joking. This is real.

I'm not. His lyric says Everybody cuddle, blah, I mean huddle, I just stepped in a mud puddle, butthole. That is a lyric from an Oscar-winning... Swear on my life right now.

You swear on my life right now. You're not messing with me.

I swear on your life.

He just says butthole apropos of nothing. He says butthole apropos of nothing.

Everybody cuddle, blah, I mean huddle, I just stepped in a mud puddle, butthole.

No, no.

This is like hearing Golden Slumbers for the first time. This is...

I think that you're insulting this song.

We have to take a break. I need to weep from the beauty I just glimpsed. We'll be right back.

Guys, my finances are crazy right now. I'm in the middle of the move and there are so many unexpected costs. Like I'm paying for movers, I have to pay for the storage place, I got to pay for all sorts of new things, and I have to buy new furniture, and I'm so stressed. But guess what? I've got Rocket Money, and it's helping me stay organized and making sure I'm not going over budget. It's also helping me save money because it has canceled so many unwanted subscriptions that I'm not using anymore.

Wow, Erin, it sounds like you are using Rocket Money to its full potential. And it sounds like this move doesn't have you stressed at all. I can't see it in your face. I can't see it in the way you act. And I definitely can't see it in your face. Huh.

Thank you.

You're welcome, and also you're welcome for Rocket Money's ability to set budgets and goals. You can get personalized insights and regular reports, receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

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Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E.

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with you. Wait, why the whoop do I sound like Adal? Uh-oh, I also sound like Adal, I'm a woman. JPC, Erin, calm down, I can explain. Sort of a wacky Wednesday situation, not Freaky Friday, where I was standing in a fountain I'm thinking about Jamie Lee Curtis, and I passed out. And when I woke up, everyone in the world sounded like me. It's sort of a oops all adults, if you will. I will. Thanks, JPC. But I know the solution. We should all just have a beautifully comfortable night's sleep in our Helix mattresses, right? I believe the three of us all have the Midnight Luxe version, which is the most comfortable sleep we've ever had. Our animals love it, even. Our partners. Yeah, I sleep on mustard. OK. Yeah, and I'm a tall woman with a lady dog. I know. But Helix has over 20 mattress models so you can find the perfect model for you, whether you're a mustard sleeper or a tall woman. Helix also has cooling upgrades so you can get the best rest even on hot nights. Oh, also, as a woman, I should say they offer free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the US. I'm so tall. Yeah, and they have a 129-night sleep trial and lifetime warranty, so you can use the Happy with Helix guarantee. Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges, right? Very good, Erin. Very good, JPC. We failed to mention they are award-winning. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for 20% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com slash riddle. Great job, everyone. This is Casey Toney. Great. I just want to say great job, but this is Casey Toney.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey everybody, JPC here. If I sound a little rough, it is only because I basically just got back from having my whole body absolutely pounded by my arch-nemesis Squareface. The whole time he was pounding me too, he was telling me about his new business venture. He was saying that Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And he's SquareFace. He's not affiliated with Squarespace. He was just excited kind of about a cool new product that he was Kicking around with, speaking of kicking, he was kicking me pretty hard. Also something that could be hard, SEO tools. With Squarespace, you can get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more, so you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. What would be ideal for me is for Squareface not to pummel me every time he happens upon me, This time I think he was actually taking a video. He even mentioned that Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. I hope the video he posted was behind a paywall because I wouldn't want it out there. Hey Riddle Riddle Hut one, hut two, hut, hut, hurry up. I'm reaching up another grown man's butt. Is that another lyric?

Gracias! You guys, I'm really not in the mood today to be jerked around like this. Can someone please tell me the truth about what the lyrics of this song are?

Can I say this?

Can I say this? We've put, what, 200... How many episodes have we done of this show? 200, 460, a thousand? You could probably point to an episode of this show that maybe is a little more phoned in than another episode, right? Okay, yes.

But... I'd say three-fourths of the episodes.

Okay, fine. Three-fourths of the episodes. I'm not making song... I'm talking extemporaneously, right? I didn't write any of this shit down to sit there with a pen and a paper and be like, oh man, gotta write a football song. Okay, well I'm not going to open my laptop because I'm not going to go on the internet. What else can I say about football and say nothing, you know, in a rap?

You can just say butthole. Why not just call it My Balls? Why not call it My Balls? Why not?

Hey Em, if I may call you that, thank you so much for visiting the set and we are thrilled for you to lay down a song for the movie in five minutes. You got that, you got that voicemail, right?

Oh, uh.

And action, go. Sing. Whatever action is for singing.

Butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole. A butthole, butthole.

Everybody in the studio applauds, thumbs up, he leaves, everyone's like, what the fuck?

He's in his car, his very expensive car, and the way I'm going, oh my God, what the fuck did I just do?

Just don't look back, just don't look back, keep walking, keep walking, keep walking, keep walking. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

He gets to check in the mail, he rips it up, he's like, I can't cash it.

I just can't. I can't in good conscience.

I can't look Adam Sandler in the eyes until Happy Gilmore 2, in which I'll make a brief cameo as something... That's so funny.

Hello, buddy. If I ever make a movie about my life, I kind of put this part out of it. I don't include the part where I got too famous and got paid $65,000 to sing a song where I went, butthole, butthole, butthole football.

Now, Erin, I... Erin, I adore you. I absolutely adore you.

There's a butt coming. There's a butthole coming.

Butthole. Me in high school. Catholic. Man, Boston was really good there. I mean this in the most positive way and I need you to understand.

Here we go.

Your rapping is better than some of Eminem's rapping.

Erin, that's right. Only now is that true that we've seen that lyric. We are not saying that that is a blanket statement. We just said once or twice, my rapping has been better than Eminem's.

Erin, just spitballing, if I were to say to you, Erin Keif, Spitballing!

Name calling! Oh, I'm falling.

I was just going to say, if we were like, Erin, we need a rap for Playground Games, and you have 10 seconds to come up with it, lay it down, and solidify the track.

Gotta hop, drink a scotch. With some chalk. On the block. It's a swing. It's a slide.

That was so sad. It's a swing.

It's a swing. It's a slide. Don't mind if I hide. Seek. Peek.

Best day of the week. Never met my father. Never met my father. Tee da ta da. See some. I see my pa. Leaving.

We just need a Patreon episode that's all of us just coming up with Longest Yard style Eminem raps. And honestly, I feel like that's zero pressure, right? Erin, that must have been the least amount of pressure you've ever felt.

Woodchips got my knee.

I don't know if this is actually true, but I have heard that when Queen was doing the music for the movie Highlander, they basically sat them down to watch a cut of Highlander, and then they kind of just riffed out songs as they were watching Highlander. So I would love to see Eminem watching an unfinished cut of The Longest Yard without sound mixing and stuff, and you just get the beats of it, and he's just sitting there like, Butthole, butthole, tap my ass and the ball goes in my butthole. Oops, that's my butthole.

The scriptwriter is looking on in horror. That's not what it's about.

They're like, did we give him the right movie? They're like, sir, I haven't even put the projector on yet. I haven't even turned it on yet. I don't know what he's doing. Butthole.

Butthole.

Butthole.

Oh no. Oh no.

Sir, we can't release the movie. It's a football movie. What's going on? Butthole, my butthole. Well let's do, speaking of blazing grass in the butthole, let's do a voicemail from one of our listeners. Yes please.

If I could call into a podcast. The first thing that I do for fun Is to call, hey Riddle Riddle And leave them a voicemail at 805-RIDDLE-1

Hell yeah.

You don't hear a lot of time in a bottle parody songs. No, I don't. That was from Benjamin Gray, he him, from the Roleplay Retcon. Thanks, Benjamin. That was fantastic. You really don't hear a lot of time in a bottle.

Jim Croce, is it?

Jim Croce, yeah.

A guy stole my boat and trailer and I found it in his backyard. I called the police and the police let me get my boat and trailer back, but they aren't going to do anything. So what should I do to this man?

Thanks. Sorry guys, I had the audio on on my next door app.

Wow. What is up?

No intro or no? I'm dazzled.

I am dazzled. This is the most mysterious man I've ever heard in my life. I love this man.

That's how you leave a voicemail, by the way. No name, not enough context, but like 15 seconds. Like perfect. Perfect.

No, my name is blank. I live in blank. First time blank blank. Just not even a hey. Just someone walked into my yard and took my bird fountain. What do I do?

This is fascinating. Guys stole my boat and trailer. Those seem like huge, like that's not an accident.

You definitely have to do that. That's a crime you hear. That's a crime that wakes you up.

Well, this is, first of all, fascinating. I love this problem. It sounds like the beginning of an HBO series that two men who normally make movies are going to star in. So, very interested in whatever this is.

Do you think it's a situation, Erin, where you go to a coat check and they hand you the wrong coat and you're like, no, this isn't my coat. But you could, for a second, you think about like, what if I wear this coat now? What if that guy gets my coat and I get this coat?

Vintage Pendleton. Maybe this is my coat.

Or somebody just, he's collecting his boat from the marina or something and someone just hitches the wrong boat and he just drives it home or something like that, you know? Okay, I'm sorry. I'm getting lost. You had a solution here.

Oh, I don't have a solution. I just know what I think would be fun to do, which is, within legal reason, psychological warfare against this person. You randomly put your trailer and boat back in their yard. Yeah, for a couple days. They can't really call the police because they're just gonna call more attention to themselves. Maybe send them Christmas cards. That's the photo from the boat going, I had a great time with you. Merry Christmas. Really just strange stuff, nothing that makes it clear that you're stalking, but enough to know that it's on your mind still. And that would be my advice.

Erin, can I add to that? What if you go and you put your boat and trailer back in this person's yard, and then you show up to that person's house, and you have like a big screaming fight with your boat and trailer? And you're like, Kelly, what the fuck are you doing back here?

I mean, now we're having fun.

Now we're turning- I put an air tag on you. Yeah, motherfucker. I know where you go. Lemonade. You want him? What does he got that I don't have?

Lemonade. We've turned these lemons into lemonade.

That's fun. Everybody has a good fun. It's like a nice little fun scene you have here.

Yeah. Adal, what would you do?

I'd name the boat after the neighbor. Yeah.

That's awesome. Yes.

And make that a big, make that a big thing. Just boat thief.

What about like a fun boaty name of like, like whatever, if his name's Jason, the name of the boat was, I was with Jason for a little while.

Yeah, the name of my boat is I was with Jason for a little while.

I'm mostly sorry that that happened to you, but you're the real winner. You're a very mysterious, interesting person, so they can't take that away from you.

I've never seen cut to the chase in like audio form. That was really like gets to the point.

Honestly though, it also sounds like exactly what I would expect from the cops. Like, somebody murders your dad and you find him and you go to the cops and you're like, yeah, this is the guy. He's the one that murdered my dad. And they're like, yeah.

The dad's body is in that guy's yard.

Yeah, just leave it on the desk, I guess. I mean, if we can, what we'll do is we'll send a car to drive around. And you're like, what? Who do you help? Ugh.

No one, famously.

Well, thank you, Noah, we assume is your name.

I don't know. That's the type of person I want as like a boss at a company where it's like you walk into a team meeting.

Kicks down your door.

Walk into a team meeting and it's like IPO next week, numbers up please. And then you're done and you're like, whoa, this meeting could have been a meeting. This is great. This is wonderful. No bullshit. Yeah, thank you so much. What's the number people call? 805-RIDDLE-1. 805-RIDDLE-1.

Don't leave a name.

Make it like 10 seconds. Do it.

I mean, we love that.

Why did I keep thinking it was 77 Erin Keif?

Don't call that number.

You can. I'm going to pick up and want to talk for a long time.

Slovenia. Speaking of Slovenia and Erin Keif, do you have anything to plug her from up?

You can check out Quality Time here in Los Angeles. It's my weekly, weekly, Jesus. It's my monthly variety show I host here in L.A. You can follow us on Instagram if you want to check it out. Adal, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern. We started season six. Whoa. We're back, baby. So check that out. GPC, anything to plug, promote, or review, Tareen?

I will also say that if you've heard us talking about Gumshoes and Dragons on the show before, that is our kind of like murder, mystery, actual play podcast that we do with Anthony Birch. We did 30-ish episodes of it. It is now concluded so you can get all of that. So if you've been waiting and you want to binge it, you can get it wherever you get podcasts. If you ever want to know what their impact on the improv community is, check out the duo Killy Wonka at Comedy Works in Raleigh and elsewhere around in North Carolina Triangle area. Half of the team has had their habits completely tainted slash ruined by these clowns, non-derogatory, and it shows.

Cool.

I hope this is not a person who's on that team. I hope that this is a person who's just seen a bunch of their performance and is like, I know what this is from.

I love Comedy Works in Raleigh.

Yeah, Killy Wonka. Go check him out. That's awesome.

Hell yeah.

And Hot Dogs. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Barry Perrins in the music. Bogo Creep.

Hey there, Glorgonians and Vidoonians. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We take you to Glorgon 6. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.