Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Okay, class, it's time to turn in the homework that was assigned. Erin, do you have your homework?

Yes, in theory, I do.

Okay, great. That sounds like a no. It sounds like you did not do the assignment. You did the theory of the assignment.

I have the homework. It's not filled out.

I have mine done.

Oh, Adal, this is the first you did your homework.

Yes. I did my report on Nolan Ryan. I came dressed as Nolan Ryan.

You wore a Nolan Ryan jersey to school today and then realized that there was homework due? Uh, correct. Okay, here's what you guys are going to do. Both of you are going to stay after class today and you are going to write on the blackboard 50 times, I will take my riddle podcast seriously.

Half a Bart Simpson, each of us? This is, this class was supposed to be easy. It's riddles, right? I was supposed to, it's supposed to be an easy A. And then I get the credit, and then I move on. I'm not doing any homework for this.

Yeah, fucking egg, gold, cloud, shadow. That's most of them.

Right? That's most of them, right?

That was the whole homework. You couldn't just put that on the homework?

Echo, glove, ice cube.

You know what? You guys don't take this seriously, and that's why I've made the executive decision to replace both of you, which is why I brought in special guests today from the Superstructure podcast, Julian Feeld and Jon Gabrus. Welcome to the show.

Egg. You're a genius. That's what I said.

My homework was eaten by various different animals in my house and I'm still chasing them around trying to gather it from the poop because I have no memory of having done it.

He's telling the truth.

Wow. Oh shit. I'm a huge baseball fan. This is crazy. I didn't know Nolan Ryan was going to be here. Oh wait. Can I please have your autograph?

Grabs Gabrus around the neck, starts punching him in the face. Yes!

Oh, this is exactly what I've always jerked off to. Thank you, Mr. Ryan.

The Express is coming through, baby.

Nolan Ryan, January 31st birthday.

I wanna be clear that our regime is gonna be one of terror. So we are replacing, but in bad spirit. It's a hostile takeover.

Yeah. And also, Erin, I'd like your outfit. If I'm gonna replace you, I'd like to dress like you. And you can have mine. I hope you like double XL male crop tops.

I do! I think we should remake Parent Trap, but it's me and Gabrus.

I don't think the parents noticed we switched spots.

We can pull that off. I think we can do hijinks. You're blonde, I'm blonde.

Yeah, we look almost exactly the same these days.

Yeah, I agree.

That's the meanest thing I've ever said to you in a long time.

No, it's awesome. My life's great. I walk into Byrds next to UCB and everyone goes, Gabrus! And I get free drinks.

Holy shit, you're not supposed to be here, remember? You're canceled. You know, like, uh, what?

If you could sustain that for a 90-minute movie, I would watch the fucking hell out of that. Just a very simple premise.

Walking to Byrds, that's more Randy Johnson's thing.

Kind of throws into Byrds.

Well, we're very excited to have you guys on the podcast today. I am a big fan of both of yours from your respective projects, but you have, for a few months now, have been doing this new project, Superstructure, which is a very fun podcast. I said fun. My logline that I've been using, and I did not clear this with you, is blowback meets blowjobs. That makes total sense. Maybe like blow back meets blowing out backs. Maybe that's a cleaner way to say it.

Yeah, I think that could make sense. It's kind of like in the vein of those cliche podcasts where one person is smart and tries hard and the other is dumb but kind of charismatic.

And who's who?

I'll let you decide.

We're still trying to figure out who wants to try and I think that neither of us are really up for it yet.

Give it a listen, you tell us who's the one. I say like 11 things. It's honestly the least I ever talk on a podcast, which is a feat in and of itself. If you're a Gabrus podcast listener, you'd be surprised how little I talk.

Yeah, it's amazing that a lot of it seems like well-researched, thought-provoking things, and then there's a little break that throws to you, Gabrus, and you're like, okay, now come on, dude. Say something fucking funny about it!

One of four Simpsons references that I keep repeating for so many years.

I mean, it is an attempt to vulgarize history. So we do, you know, we reach out to the listener no matter what. So, you know, you don't have to come to the table knowing about, you know, a movement or even a time period or a region. We really try to, like, bring everything to the table for every episode so that you never feel left out or condescended to, you know, like, I know that How did you two meet each other?

I'm

I have Gabrus and he saw me taking a picnic basket in Griffith Park and thought that he figured this guy's whole shtick with his, uh, the people he dates is the picnic basket trick. Uh, so I figured I'm going to get a free picnic basket out of this date. And then instead we founded a podcast.

Yeah, I'm a bit of a fan of QAA forever and had those guys on High and Mighty back in the day and we kind of met there and then I've done Q&A since then and then Julian and I have always been incommunicado about different things and recently The impetus for the pod is I'm like, Julian, what were those four books you mentioned someone should read? As I was becoming radicalized, I didn't want it to all be exclusively through podcasts. So I was like, what are these books you told me to read? And then he's like, actually, here's the books. And I also wanted to talk to you about something else. And when we sat down to talk about it, I was like, please tell me you're going to ask me to do some sort of history or political podcast with you. And he's like, I am. I'm like, this is fucking great. That's what I want to do.

using the word incommunicado is quite a feat because that means to not communicate so you're basically saying we don't speak we're not on speaking terms and that's why we have a podcast well now i know see i learn something every day from Julian sometimes

What's

I just need some of his happiness. And so it's an attempt to see how water finds its own level. Well, his glass is full and mine is pretty empty. So hopefully we'll end up with, you know, missing half a glass each. Yeah.

No, but together you could clear a Jeopardy board or destroy it. Bar trivia. I feel like the two are very well balanced.

Yes, we have our own. We have our pockets of knowledge. Mine are cargo pockets, unfortunately.

Gabrus, write down Cargo Pockets of Knowledge because that could be your next podcast.

I was trying to get a fifth pod, so this is a good one. I was trying to make an extra three figures a year, so I think this is a great idea.

Well, speaking of great ideas, the premise of our podcast is riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems. So the question that we always ask all of our guests at the top is, what is your relationship with these things? It could be, yeah, like riddles, puzzles, escape rooms, lateral thinking, which is just, you know, any type of thinking kind of like one step off. The example I think, Adal, that you always use is the one from our theme song. Riddle Riddle Riddle

Eventually his intelligence like I was as smart at 25 as I was at 12 but like I never grew past that so it was like I was like preternaturally smart so I got into all the enrichment classes where they give you like which in hindsight was just like busy work was like you know child dog park stuff of like do these riddles and shit like that so I've always, I've always been a fan and I like things that I don't know the answer to and I like to learn new things. So it all, that all kind of hits for me and trying to like approach problems from different ways always appeals to me too. You know, like my favorite genre of movie is like science needs to fix this. You know what I mean? Hey Riddle Riddle

When somebody dumps a box in front of you and says, figure it out using these things.

Yes, exactly. I love shit like that. And I feel like I would like escape rooms, but I also don't have like the friend group to do that with. Like I, you know, I've done once or two, one or two, but, uh, I'm, I'm divorced now. And when I, this would be a thing that would have led to it faster had I got to it. I did the greatest escape room of all.

You're gonna make everybody real bummed out because I'm about to say that I did an escape room once in rehab.

Julian, running out of rehab does not count as an escape room in rehab.

We've placed your chip somewhere in this room. You have an hour to find your chip.

Well actually we were given an hour to find a bottle of liquor.

This looks like the Hulk smashed through a room.

It was very fun though. I enjoyed my time I mean, it's always good to be there with like the most impatient going through the worst part of their lives A group of people on earth and just put them all together trying to solve something. I mean we did we did solve it It was like an Egyptian type thing, but I guess what defines my relationship to Puzzles more than anything is cheating on my homework basically, which is you know, very on theme for the episode and In that I love a good puzzle game until I get frustrated in any way and I'm inconvenienced by a puzzle in a game, video game usually, and I will look it up immediately. I will just be Googling that shit immediately. I have no patience, you know, I have a lot of potential and I'm not fulfilling it. That's, you know, that's like what defines me.

My partner and I played that game The Witness. I don't know if anyone ever played it. It's like a video game where you're like on an island and there's no instructions, it's just puzzles. And we probably played that game for 30 minutes before we were like, go online and look this fucking thing up. I'm about to go fucking crazy if I can't figure it out.

That's so fucking rude though, just puzzles. Like what kind of, I mean, put a bit of salad on the side of the dish or something.

I need something, like is there a hostage? What are the stakes here? It's just me getting angry at puzzles on an island.

Can I gather ammo and never use it? At a minimum, let me collect shotgun shells or something.

Is there any way to get to the end of the game and have saved up like every possible potion, upgrade, like anything that was like a material completely unused and I've spent most of my time gathering? Can I get my leatherworking skill up by making gloves? Let me do it, please. Oh, I love that. I love becoming a blacksmith. I'm always pissed off in RPGs where you can't become a blacksmith or something.

You just open a business. Yeah. You just like run a small business in Skyrim for like two years. Exactly.

That's exactly my shit. I'm like, I would love to be a problematic part of a community in Skyrim and run like a little shop that has the best armor in town.

I get obsessed with video games like once every five years and I will literally black out and play all day for like five weeks and I'm in the middle of one of those things now.

Which one?

I'm playing Coral Island. I love a game where I'm farming and I got little tasks to do but you're allowed to flirt with the people on your island and like start a relationship and I've been kind of tied and not deciding who to choose and I chose the blacksmith not but 12 hours ago. There we go.

You see blacksmiths are coming back and a lot of people are saying That if we had more blacksmiths that we'd still have action movies and that masculinity might be saved.

Please, please. By the way, I'm looking up Coral Island right now and I'm like, damn. Ocean diving.

Yeah, there's mermaids. I'm cleaning up trash at the bottom of the ocean and I'm flirting with mermaids.

Jon Gabrus is like, I could be a blacksmith for that kind of town. Absolutely.

There would be no difference. I'd be like a mermaid wrangler because I like oral and titty fucking. That's all you could really do with mermaids.

Coral Island, one star. Can't fuck a mermaid, one star. Want my money back. Played for 10 hours, can't fuck a mermaid.

I guess my incredibly subtle attempt at going through blacksmithing to enter a relationship is like, oh, I'd just be a sex addict.

Yeah, no, I'd just be like a snorkeling pervert. You're going to love this game. I have even more of one than I am already, I guess.

Are there village perverts down there? I mean, how is it down in Coral Island? It ain't a village unless there's a pervert.

Yeah, there's definitely some people who've got pervert energy. I don't think they're overtly perverted, but one time I walked around naked on my island and a guy was like, put on clothes. Okay. Whoa.

So maybe I'm the pervert. He was negging you. He was negging you. He was probably trying to- A perfect example of how things happen in real life.

That guy went back to his shack and was like, put on clothes, Dan. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you want to fuck this up?

You had one chance to talk to her? You had one chance to talk to her. And you fucking say, put on clothes?

Well, I got the more jacked, the blacksmiths, it's two brothers, and I picked the more jacked one.

Oh, Erin, so you basically are just dating someone so they'll clothe you?

We're all getting completely lost in the sauce. We have to center ourselves and we have to do riddles. But before we do that, let's take a little break.

Erin, Adal, you guys, you guys have to help me. You have to help me.

What's going on buddy? Are you okay?

Fall just started and I know fall just started and please don't don't make fun of me for this because I know fall just started like yesterday. But I've only had pumpkin spice to eat for the last 48 hours. I'm only eating the spice.

Oh, okay. Okay. We understand. We totally understand.

I'm so hungry. I feel like I'm dying. It's only pumpkin spice.

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Hey everybody, it's JPC. Well, it happened again. I was in the market for a weather balloon, I had stopped at a roadside weather balloon stand, and as I was browsing, kind of the new weather balloons, the 2026s, the 2027s that have just kind of hit the lot, they release in fall of the previous year, I got all of my clothes snagged on a weather balloon and the dang thing took off and took all of my clothes with it. So, completely naked and I'm thinking to myself, JPC, why does this keep happening to you? And then I thought, well, it doesn't matter, my friend, because you can go to Quince. Quince focuses on high-quality wardrobe staples made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and merino wool. The styles are timeless, versatile, and designed to become the dependable pieces you reach for day after day. And I'll be honest with you, I put on this 100% mongolian cashmere sweater and this thing is not breaking the bank. It starts at just $60 and I thought there's no way this thing gets snagged on another weather balloon and pulls all my clothes off up into the sky to who knows where. And when temperatures start to drop it's more important Thanks for watching! Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when quints ask where you heard about them, let them know it was Hey Riddle Riddle, and more specifically, it was JPC who got all his clothes stolen by a weather balloon. It's the best way to support the show. Hey guys, it's JPC. Before we get into it, I just have to say I am so thankful for the outpouring of support, the letters, the emails. It really touches me to know that so many people care. Ultimately, I did show some of that stuff to the witch. She said it was not enough to prove that I have lived a life of import, and so the curse is going to remain in place. Not the outcome that I know a lot of us were hoping for. So I will be turning back into a pumpkin at midnight. But guys, I'm not upset about it at all. We had a good run. And I want to thank everyone again for the support. And speaking of support, if you need some support, like, you know, that cup of coffee in the morning or an energy drink, why don't you give Ultra Pouches a try? Ultra pouches are completely nicotine-free and completely caffeine-free. And you're probably thinking, if they don't have nicotine or caffeine in them, what exactly is in them? That's a great question. Ultra has partnered with leading neuroscientists to design these pouches that use clinically proven nootropics and adaptogens to deliver immediate focus and smooth energy that lasts 1-2 hours. One to two hours is great. That's kind of as much time as I have left before I turn back into a pumpkin, and I did confirm with the witch that is going to be forever. More specifically, Ultra Pouches use Infinity PX, L-theanine, Alpha GPC, and Vitamin B6 and B12. They are truly clean, plant-powered pouches designed to sharpen your mind and lift your energy all without caffeine, If you're fasting or on a diet, ultra pouches actually help quiet cravings and suppress appetite, keeping you locked in to achieve your goals. I'm also seeing these everywhere. They're basically blowing up. 90% of users saw significant improvements in their overall focus levels. I'm talking calm, steady flow state focus, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood balance, all with zero nicotine and zero caffeine. And they're trusted by top athletes, entrepreneurs, and engineers around the world. And let me tell you about the flavors. We've got cool, mint, wintergreen, tropical, watermelon, blue razz. Very thankful that they do not have a pumpkin flavor, even though it is appropriate for fall. For me, if I had that now, it would be, you guessed it, cannibalism. So, Ultra is the ultimate guilt-free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use code RIDDLE to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com. That's TakeUltra.com for 15% off with code RIDDLE. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support Hey Riddle Riddle and tell them that our show sent you. Do not mention the thing about the pumpkin thing or me turning back into the pumpkin. They won't ultimately care about that. Okay, we're back. We're gonna do our first riddle. So, uh, I, I, these, I don't think that these riddles... I hate when we get to this point with guests.

It makes me sad. I'm like, but we have guests here. Can we do something else?

I'm here to hear the riddle. I'm sorry, Erin, but... I know, I know. You can leave if you'd like, but I'm here for the riddle. Not to see my friends, I'm here for the riddle, okay?

Erin, if you would like to talk about like a Sylvester Stallone movie from the 1980s or like a, I don't know, like a current madman online who's like poisoning the discourse, you're more than welcome to, but we're not doing their shows, we're doing our shows. Okay, so here's your first riddle. One has a head without an eye. The other has an eye without a head. And half the answer hangs upon a thread.

Could you say it one more time?

Of course I can. One has a head without an eye. The other has an eye without a head. And half the answer hangs upon a thread.

Are we supposed to be calling stuff out?

If you think you know it. Yeah, please.

I will say I think a needle's involved here.

The Riddle Yeah, now when I said one has head without an eye, was everybody thinking the same thing that I was thinking? Being like, don't make a joke about getting head from a side box.

Don't make a joke about how pirates give oral sex.

Yarr, it's a bit toothy in it.

We're all on the same page. Okay, let's move on. We have one more. One more. We have a ton more, but this is your next one. What has a tongue but cannot talk?

What's

I just want you to know what my psyche is doing right now is that some competitive element is activated in me.

Oh see, this is amazing. This is the difference between you and I. Like you want to win. I want to look like I'm not the worst. Like I don't want to get picked last. That's basically my goal. To appear okay.

That's like my party thing is like I'm always trying to be the second most fucked up person at a party so that like everyone's like, Jesus Christ, Adal is crazy, huh? He's nuts, huh? And then no one remembers that Gabrus shit in a plant or whatever.

Dead sober. Yes.

Just like if you're in a group of people in the ocean, you don't want to be the one furthest out because that's the one the shark hits first. Yeah.

Hits.

Bad baby. The shark is having sex. Fins you on the ass. Shit. Now I gotta titty fuck this shark too? I let this shark hit.

Okay, everybody stick together. I think Gabrus is gonna try to go up and get fucked by a shark. Does anyone see him just swim away from the flotsam and the debris?

Save nothing for the swim back, baby.

Oh, I want fan art of this episode.

All right, here's your next one. Here's your next one. Four fingers and a thumb, yet flush in blood, I have none. What am I? Welcome to

I think we're once again trying to create clothing.

So if anyone needs clothing. This is all Erin's friend from the island, just dropping a savage hint.

Please put on clothes.

You walk fully nude into your hut, come out with just gloves on, and he's like, uh... Is that any better? I guess that works.

We'll see you next time.

I, uh, I would be the most uncomfortable, like, photoshoot ever. Just, like, wearing that, like, hard metal armor on your naked body, like... Traditionally, you have to wear, like, leathers and, like, multiple layers underneath all of that stuff, right?

Pretty sure you just put the metal right on.

I'd like to see a scene, actually.

Oh, please, Erin, yes.

GPC and Gabrus will have you guys be knights, and it's going to be clear that Gabrus is naked under his armor and is a little uncomfortable.

Slow down. Slow down. Hold on. Wait, just slow down a little bit.

Is there a problem?

No, no problem here, sire. Just... Okay.

Ow.

All right. Wow.

We're marching to battle. We have to have our heads clear. We're going to battle.

Don't you stress, in battle is when I come alive. Once I'm out there, we will be sweeping the Saxons away by my blade. Ow! Okay, here's the thing. Is your codpiece cold?

Alright, just keep- tighten the legs, boy. My squire, Reginald, tighten the legs up a little bit. We can also stop if you don't want him to run alongside the horse like this. We could take a brief pause and put your arm around it.

Honestly, I really gotta get off the horse.

I am out of breath.

I really gotta get off this horse, sire. It's crushing me nuts. Oh, and he's kicked me in the face. Unintentional, of course.

Crushing me nuts? That's Saxon talk. Use the Saxon vernacular.

I've spent so much time killing them that I'm starting to sound like them. We are what we hate the most in society, are we not, sire? There's a pinkish leather that I keep seeing. Let go of that! Ow, ow, ow! Don't pull on that! Alright, you'll see young Reginald here is tugged on my yam bag from behind and I'll have to climb down now. All right, young Reginald, you must be careful. It smells awful! Yeah, well, we've had a four-day hard ride. Well, mostly soft for me, but you'll understand. You must understand that going into battle, I am what we call a commando. I fight in this battle sans an underlayer. It's the way my trainer taught me. My father was a blacksmith and his ex-wife was a leather worker, so... He kind of, we shunned leather in my household growing up.

This is unacceptable. This is no way for a knight to behave, to go in commando. In fact, your punishment for treating my army this way, you will now have to fight behind the enemy lines. You will have to go in in secret and fight exactly as you are, but covertly and in stealth. And that will be what we call commando from now on.

I'm pretty sure the lack of underwear stuff is going to stick pretty hard, you know?

No, no, no. I'm the king and my thing is what commando is now.

I forget you're the king sometimes. I'm sorry I'm being so flippant with you. I would kneel, but if I kneel my schvanz pops out.

I've found the pink flesh and there's a marking on it and it says mommy and it's a big heart.

Okay, here's your next one.

I think they should do battles shirts and skins. Oh, yeah I think that you get to decide if you're naked or you're in clothes and that's how I would do it Oh fuck.

We're losing again boys. Lose your armor drop your armor Isn't this just like grab your cocks? Yeah, it's like Highland Highland gear

Yeah, they're just, it's rich, well-financed armies versus poor people's armies. They're like, fuck, that guy's got metal armor? What the fuck? Where'd he get that shit?

The first time you're in a battle and a group of metal guys on swords ride up, it must feel insane. They must look like monsters, like robot monsters. Like, imagine what the Conquistadors looked like to natives or whatever, just arriving with fucking plate mail and shit. Terrifying.

It's crazy that also when the first rudimentary guns came out and people were riding on horseback in big armor, they were like, oh man, one bullet and that just kind of rattles around in that thing. It's like a bullet magnet. This is awesome. Warfare is going to be very different now. It's like all the people that were the cavalrymen during World War I, you're like, oh guys, you are in the wrong war.

I don't think the horse is like mustard gas, boys. I have many keys but have never opened a door. What am I? Pianer.

It's a pian-er. It is a pian-er.

Got ourselves a little bit of a pian-er player here, eh?

Guys, guys, please. Just passing through town, I want a beer, please. I sat on the piano, wasn't trying to play it.

Well, well, well, looks like we got ourselves a little pian-er boy here. Guys, please, please. Why don't you play a little ditty for us Vasquez boys?

Play Heart and Soul.

I just know the Jaws theme, please.

Okay.

Not familiar with that picture, but why don't you let it rip, brother?

How'd you know it was a picture?

Aha! Aha! Well, because Peter Benchley's my friend and he was telling me back then that they bought the rights. What year is this scene taking place? You tell me.

Okay. What has two hands but no fingers? What has been around since the beginning of time but is never more than one month old?

Is it the moon?

It is the moon.

Because they call it the new moon every month. Leap years. Just talking about the moon gave me my period. This is great. Girl, same. I told you we're syncing up.

The two genders are get your period or turn into a werewolf.

I'd like to see you saying, Erin, you are the moon. You're trying to sort of like reinvent yourself. Everyone else, this is almost like a debutante ball or something like this is we're all gathered to sort of see the moon's new phase. And so we're there to comment on it.

Okay, I'm nervous to show you guys. No, come out. Come on. Okay, promise not to laugh.

If it's not if you're not doing the cheese thing, we're not gonna laugh. That one was too far. But like, we're pumped for you, Luna.

Come on, Luna.

Come on, Luna. This is like a huge change. So just like brace yourself. Okay. Did you wax for this?

RIDDLE

That's really funny, Janine. Janine, your confidence is coming back for sure post-breakup.

Your confidence has bounced back big time since the car accident.

Yeah.

The car accident and the breakup was a real bad one for you.

I am maimed and alone. Thanks for reminding me.

That's not what we're saying, Janine.

I'm just trying to contribute. I thought I would contribute, but I guess I'm not wanted. Luna, just rise up from the horizon already. Let's see. No, no, it's about them. It's about you. It's not about me.

Janine.

Janine, is it true that Drake got into your DMs as a joke?

Well, what's interesting is it wasn't a joke. It was a riddle. Oh. Luna, it's almost 7.15pm and if you don't come out, I mean, we're gonna be lost.

I mean, I barely emit that much light, right? No, you are a beacon.

You shine so hard, bitch. Queen. We can't fight you.

Now come on out.

Come on.

You're our bitch queen.

Luna, please.

I can feel the water coming out. The water's coming out. Janine, I'm coming out. Here I come. Okay girls, what do you think?

I'm wearing a bikini. Yikes! Yikes! Big naturals on Luna had no idea.

Big natural sun, Luna. Please, fanart. Please, fanart. Why are there two moons on you, Luna?

That's no moon.

We have some riddles, I'll switch to some that we had a listener sent in. These are all riddles from Toby Parker Flett. And Toby Parker Flett said, go on and say the full name. So I'm doing it, Toby. These riddles were sent in in 2019. Toby, hope you're still alive. We're getting to all of them. We're getting to all of them. We will answer every riddle submission.

This is kind of like Mormons re-baptizing the dead.

2019.

2019. I don't even know how to say the date.

I think that was the year that you were first on the show, Gabrus.

It might be, yeah. Holy shit.

A thousand years ago.

Okay, Toby sent these in in 2019. Toby, I hope you're still listening to the show. And if you're not, Toby, that's okay. You have a whole life, I'm assuming. Toby found a book of riddles at home called the Big Book of Jokes and Riddle.

Big book, single riddle. I knew I had to send it to you guys. Someone gave me a book called The Truly Tasteless Joke Book when I was like in seventh grade, if you want to understand part of my origin story. And I memorized and there was the chapters.

That's your big vat of acid.

Yeah, that's mine. Want to know how I got this personality disorder? Wanna know why I ruin every conversation at parties? The chapters were broken down by ethnicities, which was really fucked up.

And I remember almost all of them. I someone sent us a book once and it was like and people just send us riddle books and stuff that they find uh but they sent us a book that was very akin to that was like a joke book from the 80s and every every joke it was just like slurs and gay jokes for like every punchline and I I had it once which are hilarious yeah well I and you brought that on to kill Tony right you killed Tony I was reading it, and I was reading it once, and I was like, holy shit, like, none of these are acceptable to say in, like, life anymore. And I gave it to my wife to look at, and my wife, who is black and bi, was cracking up reading these jokes. And she was like, you have to do these on the show. And I'm like, I'm a straight white guy. Like, you, I cannot. There's no way.

Do it, you coward. Do it.

Yeah, come on. Stop hiding behind your powerful skin. Stop mentioning how white you are, okay?

It's making me uncomfortable. Here's one I distinctly remember, and I'll say an Italian one, which is legal for me to say. It was, what's it like to go down on an Italian woman? It's like eating sushi off a barbershop floor. I'm fucking 12 years old telling that to my parents. I'm like, I think I got a good joke here. I think I almost can wrap my head around it.

If I had said that to my parents when I was 12 years old, they would have both dropped dead. If my kid who was 12 told me that joke I think I would just have to be like

okay like have no i'd have to have no reaction because you're like you're in this moment as i'm not a parent but in this moment you are choosing like if you laugh you're positively reinforcing if you say never talk like that again you are activating like rebel mode so like you really have you really have no choice except to go like

Stay completely still. Good, good redirection.

Oh, sweating bullets. Okay, some riddles from Toby. What coat is only put on when it's wet?

Nail polish.

Coat of paint. Erin, it is a coat of paint, but nail polish works. I did the girl version.

It works, though.

I'm embarrassed.

Nail polish is, yeah, just girl paint.

You know, paint for the nails? You know, that type? Nail paint.

Um, Erin, I want to see a quick scene. You're going to be working in a nail salon. We'll have Adal, you're going to be coming into the nail salon and you're going to be trying to just buy nail polish. But Adal, Erin can't sell nail polish to a man.

Ding-a-ding-ding-ding, ring-a-ding-ding.

Get out. Turn right around and go.

Yeah.

You hitting the floor.

You hitting the floor.

Is that your brother back there?

Yeah, that's my brother. I brought him in for backup because I knew I wouldn't be able to do this. Mike, you turn around, you leave.

I just want, hey, I just want some nail polish.

You have no business here. No, you don't.

I want a little bit of silver. I'm going to my first Comic Con. I thought it'd be funny if I do like silver surfer pinkies.

I fell for this last time. I fell for this last time. Come on.

Just a little silver paint, baby.

Mike, you're a pervert. You turn around, you walk right out of my store. Or my brother's gonna give you another strike. Right in the face.

Davey's a pervert too. Davey Teller.

Davey, this is not true.

You're not a pervert. He's a snorkeling Tom. He puts on his snorkel gear and he peeps on all the nude beaches.

That's not true.

Davey, you love snorkeling. That can't be true.

Sometimes you get washed when you're there, like you don't have any control of where the current takes you. So sometimes you get washed to a nude beach, but I mean, come on.

David, you're sweating bullets. What are you doing? Hey, man.

What the fuck? What's going on? What the fuck, man? Why scorch earth the whole thing?

Did you know that Davey trained a dog to sort of, uh... Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. Bite down his bikini bottom.

Can I please take my hands out of the dryer? It's so hot in here. My hands are so hot. No, Maureen. No, Maureen. It's so hot. Put your hands back in the dryer, Maureen. This argument is stressing me out. Back in the dryer. So many perverts. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Is there some sort of pervert meeting that you guys are meeting each other at?

Maureen, you can see Maureen's hands are super small now. They've shrunk in the dryer.

Whoa, those are some small hands, Maureen. I'm seeing you in a new light, baby.

Get out, Zane. Get out. Oh, brother.

Maureen saving money on the nail polish.

Because her hands are super small now. With her tiny little hands.

Maureen's hands hand dry only. It's like miniaturizing a dog, really. You can do it too, man.

Yeah. What colors would you paint the sun and the wind? Blue. Okay. The wind is blue. The wind is blue. You've got- you- Adal, you've nailed 50% of this riddle. So now what color would you paint the sun?

Wait, why- why is this a riddle?

Well, it's from a book of jokes and riddles, so this might not be the riddle, Erin. This might be a joke. Wanna say it again? What colors would you paint the sun and the wind?

I would have dinner with Jay-Z instead of the 50 million.

I guess you'd take the fox and the grain across the machine.

Uh, you nailed the wind blue because wind, wind blue.

Um, the sun shines, the sun ray, what, come on, orange, red? What are we doing?

Uh, no, what else? It's, it's, this I will say is a color that you, I don't think you would associate with the sun if you just were like looking at the sun. It's, it's, it's related to a specific thing that the sun does.

Oh, okay. Rise. Act like I got it, but don't say anything. Oh, yeah.

Let's all give Gabrus the floor. It sounds like he has a great idea he's brewing. Adal, you said it, but that's not the right tense of rise.

Rose. Ah. Rose and blue.

The sun is rose and the bridge is blue. I don't like this riddle.

I went to school for rose and blue.

I just got it. I'm so slow.

That's fun because this is, I think, maybe the first challenging riddle that we've done on the show. So everybody's confidence was at a 10 and then it just got like nuked back down. Toby editorializes on this one to say that this one made them laugh. Okay.

This is also- But this is pre-COVID, so it's just a different vibe.

Yeah, it's a different type of laugh. What does the envelope say when you lick it?

Come on. Come on! That's a lot of fun, huh?

Stamp me.

This I will say I don't think you have any chance of getting it because it's just like this is just like this is a joke. This is not a riddle. This is just a joke.

Stuff me? Next up, stuff me? Next up.

Next up.

Next up.

You know when you lick someone and they say, all right, on deck.

Hope you're ready to stuff now, pal.

Uh, yeah, it says, enough with the foreplay, just stick your dick in me. That's what the riddle says.

It doesn't say address me.

Okay, that's funny, Erin. That's also very good. I like that. No. Yeah, you won't, none of you will like what this is. It just says, what does the envelope say when you lick it? It just shuts up and doesn't say anything.

Yikes!

Okay, okay. What the hell? Because of what? Because of trauma? Because the envelope froze up? What the hell? That's so fucking tasteless. What in the world?

There's a dark reading to this, but I think the other reading is it's an envelope and it can't talk.

Oh, got it. That makes sense. Sorry for the Pixar movie envelopes that I'm currently directing, in which various Manila folder goes to meet regular envelope. Write this down. Write this down.

Uh, yeah, I do want to see a scene. This is going to be a scene from the Pixar movie, Envelopes. Um, of course, it's a, you know, it's a, in the vein of Inside Out, um, we're all going to be playing, uh, different types of envelopes interacting. Oh God, I, I think somebody three-hole punched me.

Oh no, I'm sorry. I'm smiling about it. I'm a bubble mailer. You know I have a positive attitude about everything. Oh, three holes. Look on the bright side.

Now you can go in a binder. Please speak slower. I only really understand Tagalog. I am a Manila envelope.

Nobody wants to lick me. I'm a prepaid FedEx box. I'm sad about that.

You guys I have everything out in the open obviously as a postcard I have no secrets anyone can read me and see me and I just want you guys to know I didn't see who Punched him with the three-hole punch.

Can I just ask what's the what's the look? You know, I'm you know, are you a location? Are you? someone's birthday wishes You tell me, turns around, shows you my ass. Whoa! Saint-Tropez! Now that is a classy place.

Everyone had a great take on what their envelope character would be.

I think my favorite was Gabrus being so careful to just be like, let me speak as clearly as possible so there's no accent. Hello, I am from Cairo, Egypt. I don't speak English, I only speak Filipino.

I decided against it, but Gabrus dove right in.

I am from Guatemala and I am here and talking to you.

Yeah, the famous Guatemalan envelope. I think a girl gave me a Guatemalan envelope once in college.

That sounds like, it's just a vein of Cleveland steamer and blue raspberry beret or whatever.

Oh, I thought it was just something you opened and it still said, no, I don't want to date. Do you want to date me?

It's just a rejection from a Guatemalan person. Do you want to date me? Circle no or no.

Okay, well, hey, bearing that in mind, before we get to our next riddle, I think it is canonically time for a little advertisement break.

Gotta keep it canon, JPC.

Guys, my finances are crazy right now. I'm in the middle of the move and there are so much, there are so many unexpected costs. Like I'm paying for movers, I have to pay for the storage place, I got to pay for all like all sorts of new things and I have to buy new furniture and I'm so stressed. But guess what? I've got Rocket Money and it's helping me stay organized and making sure I'm not going over budget. It's also helping me save money because it has canceled so many unwanted subscriptions that I'm not using anymore.

Wow, Erin, it sounds like you are using Rocket Money to its full potential. And it sounds like this move doesn't have you stressed at all. I can't see it in your face. I can't see it in the way you act. And I definitely can't see it in your face. Huh.

Thank you.

You're welcome, and also you're welcome for Rocket Money's ability to set budgets and goals. You can get personalized insights and regular reports, receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

And you can use their automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency so you can use a set-it-and-forget-it approach. And then, when you need some unexpected money, like say you have a big move coming up, Rocket Money has you covered. All right, we're back. We have one more riddle. This is, again, still from Toby. What's the difference between a thief and a church bell? Okay. I mean, I, yeah, I think I have to accept that. That is an answer. That's a correct answer to this.

Oh, a thief is a, uh, a person? And we're just saying answers that could be accepted. We're not trying to, we're trying to solve riddles, not give acceptable answers. So mean to me.

One takes millions from the gullible and the other's a thief?

Take that, church bells. The worst part of the Catholic Church, of course, is the bells. Obviously. I was an altar boy once and the bell made me kiss its little dangly thing. Oh my god.

I believe it's called its uvula. Did you just ship that bell off to a different church?

Yeah, they just shuffle them around. You can shine a spotlight on it if you want.

Make a movie about that, Rachel McAdams.

I dare you. I fucking dare you.

Michael Keaton just checking out Bells. Yeah, why not?

Yeah, you show up to your job at the Post and you're like, I broke this whole thing open. You're like, I read Rick's report. It sounds insane. It sounds like we have to get him committed now. It's wrong what he's written.

A thief in a church bell.

Okay, let's do the real answer now. Okay, the real answer is, well, you can't climb a thief and do a mass shooting.

That's the real answer.

Michael Mann never made a movie called Church Bell.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame never tugged on a thief. That one quasi works.

Okay, here's the next one. I have three feet, but no toes. What am I?

De La Soul. Yard.

Yes, Gabrus got it. It's a yardstick.

Wow, nice.

It is not De La Soul.

I don't understand. How does a yard have a dick?

All right, just for that, I want to see a scene. Julian, you own a house and in your yard, you have grown a dick in your yard. And we are neighbors from the Neighborhood Association trying to get you to remove it. Hey, neighbor.

Hello.

What do you want? Well, we're just it's a friendly visit. It's not like there's nothing contentious here. It's a friendly visit.

Okay, sorry. It's just the last few people were immediately talking to me about the giant phallus that I have on my lawn.

That's oh, oh, yeah, that is I do see that.

It's not that big. People who don't understand, you know, prudes, they keep coming by and they keep bringing up the same thing. So if you're another one of those, then

No, no, I don't... Let's be honest guys, it's not that big of a deal. We're not in the same camp as them, of course. No, we just, we are concerned that... It's about the penis, I know.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, that's, of course, it's the obvious thing, keeps happening. What is your problem with it? What's the problem?

Well, my wife has never been so interested in gardening. So I think if you were to remove it, I think my wife would come back in the house and watch TV with me as we typically do every week. Okay.

Your big complaint is that your wife won't watch TV with you?

Yes. I have no one to gesture towards the screen at and say, what's his name?

You know my wife got her head cut off by ISIL, right? And you're sitting here telling me what you're bitching about. Has it been on the news?

Otherwise, I have no idea.

Do you think your wife would return home to you? And first of all, I'd like to just say that your home sounds unhealthy and that your relationship sounds bad. But I would just say, would you like me to circumcise it? Would that make it more acceptable to you?

We're living in the platinum age of TV and you're telling me I have an unhealthy relationship? Tell that to Carrie Coon on HBO. Tell that to... What's Carrie Coon on HBO?

Gilded Age? I haven't seen it. I'm sorry.

White Lotus. White Lotus? Come on. She's on a few things on HBO.

She's almost purely HBO. Guys, you're at my door, so if you wanted to talk to me about something, that's fine.

My wife got a window installed in our house to better see your yard. It's a nightmare for me.

Well, it sounds like a plus to me.

It's also so rude to talk about removing the foreskin of the phallus when Jeff's wife was just beheaded by ISIL. That's so close to home.

Oh, I didn't even think of it like that because my dear departed wife was a mohel as well. The first do you guys do you guys know each other or did you all just can we can we come in? It's gonna be a minute. Yeah. Okay, so it's not just the plant. That's a dick. You got a lot of dick stuff in your living room. I'm mostly dick.

Okay, so so far, it's attracted a lot of people and they're making new friends and I don't really see what the downside is. Chandelier of dicks. I don't I feel like it's bringing the community together.

Minor dick.

Dick book heir. Sort of a back book.

Now you said Menorah Dick, but I think you're referencing the Menorah, but you did know that my college nickname was Menorah Dick because of a prank gone wrong.

It was eight crazy inches right until the accident.

That's how you met your wife. Well, she was a journalist, yeah.

Coffee? Would anyone like some coffee? Oh, I'd love a coffee. Absolutely, no problem. Marshmallow inside it? Some people like marshmallows?

Oh, those are dick-shaped. What are those, Spencer's marshmallows? Spencer's Gifts marshmallows.

Well, maybe no marshmallows then. Creamer?

I'll take it. I'm having fun, you guys.

I feel like I'm at a bachelorette party in 1999.

Uh, okay, you know what?

Wait, don't sit on that couch. I'm so sorry. Yeah, that one you just just you're gonna want it. Yeah, I'm not sitting on any of these couches.

There seems to be pre-cum leaking from the side of your couch.

Pre-cum can still get in your brain.

Yep, I tasted it. It's pre-cum all around. I tasted it. I tasted it. Now Erin if you keep bringing that up I'll stop sending you videos

I would hate if you did.

Well, now that he's on GLP1s, it's all he's got the hunger for is the pre-cup. Just one load a day is all I could do these days.

Thanks, Setbound. I can't even do the load.

It's gotta be the pre-cup. I can't even make it past appetizers.

I'm appetizers only. No entree for me. I can't with this load. I couldn't possibly have any more cum, sir. Say when. Flipping your thing over to red like you're at a church.

If I go to cum?

Turning my little paper thing from green to red, because I don't want anybody coming high with pre-cum anymore. I can't do it anymore.

Yeah, and I honestly just go for the pre-cum buffet. I can fill up on that for sure.

Hi, welcome to our restaurant.

I don't know if you ever dined with us before, but it's Small Plates of Cum.

I have, she hasn't.

And it doesn't matter what time of the day, pre-cum is on the menu all day here.

Yeah. And I recommend three to five platters per person, but it's all for sharing.

I remember vividly, I have a terrible memory of being in my 20s and I... What are you about to say?

I don't know. What has instigated this story? What reminded you of this story? What are you going to say? Yeah, I was kind of young, dumb, and full of pre-cum.

I I had like it was like the end of the day I had taken my jeans off and like thrown them on my bed and then I looked down at my jeans and on the ass of my jeans there was some there was like a smudge of something like brown and I was like what the fuck is that and I put my finger on it and I immediately put it in my mouth and as I put it in my mouth I tasted chocolate and then I also and I also thought what the Today's episode is

The idea that you have shit on the outside of your pants only is crazy too. It's like, I swear I sat in someone else's shit. Everyone's like, sure man, sure. You're like, no, no, look, it's only on the outside.

If you ride the CTA in Chicago enough, you have sat in someone else's shit. That is something that you sit in on a regular basis, someone else's shit. Like, huh, why is no one sitting on this one specific seat? It's the best seat on the train! And you sit down and everyone on the train looks away from you and you go, uh oh, what did I do?

Unrelated to the last five minutes, is anyone else feeling a little queasy?

I love that your story was essentially like, and wouldn't you know it, it wasn't pre-cum or shit. It was in fact chocolate. Thank fucking God, right?

Like I don't know what ending I wanted.

That I ate off the seat of my pants.

It was inspired by Gabrus' character tasting pre-cum first.

It would be pretty fun to own a restaurant that serves dessert like a chocolate and peanut butter on the back of a pair of jeans. Welcome to the Redneck Prefix. We're sort of a gastronomy run by rednecks. This is shit on pants.

Okay, there's a couple more that I want to get to. This one is just a classic joke. So, let's see. This is less of a riddle and more, can you guess the joke?

I'm even better at that.

Yeah. This could be for you. Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot Gabrus you are you are good at this that is correct I am really good at like bad dad jokes this is how come I was this is the reason I was good at school is because tests are all just like working backwards through like this is how come you were good at school at school how come me read good because Riddle Get his ass, Erin. Get his ass.

These are all jokes you've heard before, but without the ethnic modifiers.

Yeah, yeah. How come this Polish dick?

Okay, and so here's the last one that I'm going to read from Toby, and it's, what goes, oom, oom, oom? This is a joke. This is not a real joke.

An upside-down cow.

Yeah, you got it. It is a cow walking backwards.

Okay. What?

Wow, that's amazing.

Boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

If someone told me that they got topside from a cow, you're right, I'd have more questions than just, what does that mean? Oh, is that that calorie-free ice cream? Sloppy top. Erin, you simply must try.

I have to get out of this episode alive. Please, God, help me.

Would you believe it's all skim milk, Capricum? Capricum is called skim milk.

Before we have Erin absolutely fucking lose her shit on the podcast, we have to thank Julian and Gabrus for being here. Can you guys tell them about superstructure and then anything else that you want to plug or promote?

Yeah, you can go to superstructurepodcast.com to go listen to that. It's a show about power, the power of revolutionary struggle, but also the power of propaganda and political repression. And yeah, we try to mix history with, you know, some screwing around as well as make sure that the history is digestible and hopefully a little bit poetic if we do our job correctly.

One free ep a week already, and then for just $5 a month, you get double the content. But you can find that all out at superstructurepodcast.com. Did I do a good job, Julian? Yes. Thank you.

You can't see this, but Julian's patting Gabrus on the head.

We're recording. Wearing a giant lab coat in my office, sitting on my shoulders.

I'm holding his forehead and he's swinging his arms, but not connecting with anything.

I'll plug QAA and Action Boys as well. Phenomenal. You guys are some of my favorite podcasters to listen to. I was telling you guys I found QAA because this podcast Hey Riddle Riddle started around the same time and I remember I was just like searching for like podcasts at that time and I found QAA out of Hey Riddle Yeah, so it has helped me reach out with a real person in real life.

I love to hear that. That's awesome.

You know, I've also lost some more personal, more important relationships due to radicalization, but that's a different story for a different time.

Make it sad.

Let's get sad. Adal, Erin, anything that you guys have to plug?

I'll plug one of my favorite episodes of a podcast ever, which is Gabrus on the Brett DeMott Show. I've listened to it maybe 10 times, and it's the reason why I say my horse is lorce all over my house. It's genuinely like one of my favorite comedy things. So check that out if you haven't. Adal, anything to plug?

Nothing unplugged. Sort of a, I guess a note, you might call it. Erin, I'm just a little, and we can cut this out if we need to, just a little disappointed that it feels like we have four guys on the episode and then you and it feels like the episode got real dirty and I just feel like the energy that you bring is just kind of filthy and I feel like if you could just

Would you mind if we had insult to injury Aaron

Hey, Gabrus is shitting on a plant, but look at Erin. Guys, everyone at the party, everyone at the party, look at Erin.

Erin keeps talking about how she's gonna puke. That's disgusting.

Yeah, that's nasty.

Possibly puking is fucking nasty.

Yeah, I want to apologize, everybody. This one's on me.

Yeah, thank you. All that puke talk, I have no idea how I'm even going to attempt to pre-cum today.

It's just like... Okay, hot dogs. Get me out of here. Get me out of here.

Hot dogs? A phallic symbol? Come on. That's the safe word and it's perverted too.

It's 11 30 a.m. in LA. It's hot dog time, baby. My safe word is kinky sex.

Hey there, Dylans and Cocaines. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We take you back to New York City, 1971. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.