Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Bark, bark, bark, JBC. Me hungry.

Adal, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food.

That's fine.

Okay. I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie Dog Food. Ruff ruff. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I gotta say, Adal, you can eat it. I don't think you're gonna like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs.

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I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adal. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ollie, I tried it out, my dog Spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ollie. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs, I don't know if you've heard of it, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's the type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner, at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey man, get the Ollie out of the fridge, put it in the bowl, dude, you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to Ollie.com slash Riddle, tell them all about your dog, and use code RIDDLE to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Riddle. And enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Can't confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product.

Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Erin. Let me go dig her up. Oh boy.

Ollie, feed the obsession.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

All right, if you're going to get selected for this riddle jury, we just want to make sure that you are going to be fair and balanced and measured. So I'm just going to ask you some questions, and then you're going to answer them honestly, and we'll see if we want you on the jury. Let's see. Adal, how do you feel about riddles?

No.

No? Just a firm no?

Yes.

Okay. Which one is it?

Yes or no? I mean, the guy said both.

Yes to no. Yes to firm no.

And you're dressed for the beach. And it seems like you're looking at your watch. Do you want to get out of here? Me? Yeah. You don't want to be a part of this.

Yeah.

Yes to the riddles or yes to you want to get out of here?

No. You guys really make this tricky. Is this a riddle? Am I in a riddle?

You're going to do just fine on this, Jerry. Let's see. Who's next? John Patrick Coan. You go by JPC, it says.

Yes. No. Yes. Yes.

You seem a little nervous.

No to riddles, if it's going to be asked. I am a little nervous.

You're sweating through your clothes.

Well, I'm dressed for the beach, so.

You seem a little guilty. Is being in a courtroom making you sweat?

No, this isn't like a juror number two situation. I didn't do anything.

Sorry, sweat stain.

You're going to do just fine on this jury. Oh, we have a new. Oh, OK. A third name just popped up. A Will Hines.

Yeah, that's right.

Will, how do you feel about. Wow. Holy crap. This guy.

What is it? What? No, everything's fine.

Another person dressed for the beach, I respect it. Will, how do you feel?

A riddle hit my car. A riddle once hit my car, I have to tell you. I was driving in a car and a riddle hit it. Okay? So it's hard for me to be unbiased about riddles because a riddle struck me when I was driving.

Well, you- I hate it. You won't be able to have a fair and unbiased opinion. Go on your way, sir.

Then I gotta go. Bye. See you later. He's wearing flip-flops.

He's going to the beach. Bye, Will. Goddamn. Damn.

He's got one of those old-timey, like, one-piece with the stripes.

Yes.

See you later, folks. I used to have an organ grinder, but it broke, so I just have to do the noise.

Well, it would have been so fun to have Will Hines on the show, but he's off to the beach.

Well, screw it. We're just going to talk about the riddles. Let's talk about riddles.

Will, come back.

I'm back. I'm back. I'm back.

Will, thank you so much for doing this show.

I forgot I have nothing to do. I forgot I have nothing to do. I forgot. I'm incredibly available. I thought I was busy. I thought I was going to the beach, but then I checked my calendar and it's just a vast openness. I could be here for 10 hours if you guys need it.

Don't make promises you're not going to keep. This could be our first 10 hour episode. Will, thank you so much for coming on Hey Riddle Riddle. Huge to have you here. I have been watching you improvise for a very long time, but we were just recently on the Comedy Bang Bang Tour together. That's right. That's right.

And you were subject to my insecurities, and you were very gracious about that.

And you were subject to my insecurities. I wasn't going to bring that up. Yes, I was.

Yes, I was.

Um, right before we recorded with you, I was on mic telling Adal and JPC about how aggressively I was defending Signs in front of you and how the wind just completely went out of my sails when I realized the movie was bad.

It was such a fun night. You unsolicited, you know, presented Signs as a terrific movie. I think we showed minimal interest. You then summarized it, and then without—I don't think we even criticized it that much, but you saw the looks on our faces, decided that what you were saying was insane, and packed up your bag and left. Left the social gathering. There was almost no interaction from us. It was just like watching a volcano build and then crumble in real time.

Tie up her bindle, get on a train car.

Exactly. I saw the writing on the wall. Well, you were an improviser in New York and now you're in LA. What is your relationship with riddles and puzzles and lateral thinking problems?

Okay, I'm like, I'm the worst nightmare here because I love riddles. I am bad at them. Sure. I am fascinated by them, but I have low discipline. I want to know them then if I can't figure it out in like 10 seconds I immediately look up the answer and then in my head daydream that I had gotten it correct like I play out somebody asking that question and me getting it right which for nobody I do that but I like them. That's what I do with David Blaine close-up magic.

I look up and I'm like oh yeah I know it's the chicken he had an extra chicken in his pocket.

But I'll seriously, I'll go like pub quiz with friends and the next day be daydreaming that I got them all right. And I'll catch myself doing that. I'm like, what is the evolutionary purpose of this fantasy that I'm feeding to myself?

Well, do you like to be a winner? Are you a competitive person, do you think?

I don't know how to answer this. I hate losing, but I don't like working. I'm competitive, but with no discipline. So like, I don't know, competitive with an incredible self-sabotaging fear of failure? I don't know how to... Simple answer is yes, I'm competitive. Or let's just keep it simple. Am I talking too much? If you need to kick me off the episode... I swear to God, I'm so ready for that.

You're here for 10 hours, buddy.

I'll also be here for 10 hours. Also, if you want to kick me off at any time, I don't care.

Absolutely not. Unfortunately, I would, if you feel comfortable, could you tell Adal and JPC what your nickname was in your little league team growing up that your coach gave you?

Oh, yeah. My nickname was Uh-Oh because I was an incredibly short, unathletic person. And I did like baseball though, but I joined Little League and I was in right field or sometimes backup right fielder, which was the second right fielder, even more deeply placed, which is where you put the kid who can't do anything. And when once a ball, a high pop-up got hit to me and I said audibly so everybody in the field could hear it, uh-oh. as it was like headed towards me. Like a big, I remember being kind of pleased at the laugh that I got, like, but it was a completely genuine just like, oh, this is terrible. Like, I know there's a terrible thing that's happening. Dare I ask, did that ball get caught? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Did it doink off you or did it just land? It was the most, yeah, unremarkable, just missed it by a good distance and I, you know, limply threw it towards the second baseman I had a very nice coach, though. I always feel like saying this because I think the traditional nerd narrative is to look back on gym class and sports experiences as total trauma, and I certainly was bad at them. But I had a very nice coach who was good at managing the kids like me who were bad. I enjoyed playing, even though I had no confidence in it.

I think that, as a skill, has to be more important than, like, coaching baseball for Little League. Like, being able to coach the feelings of the horribly unathletic little kids that are playing it.

Yeah. He was like, you know, he was excited and enthusiastic about the many true athletes we had on our team. The nerds of us did not feel left out. And at the time, I didn't appreciate that. But I look back and I'm like, that's sort of incredible. So yeah, Uh-Oh was my nickname for years.

Good ol' Uh-Oh.

Yeah.

Well, let's see if you say Uh-Oh when I read any of these riddles out loud.

You're diving right into riddles already? Well, I take this as an insult. You're not gonna like dick around for like 45 minutes or something like that?

Will listens to the show. Will has unfortunately listened to the show, Erin. So, this is what happens when you tell someone that if they want to listen to the show, they're more than welcome to because you get to the show and you're like, uh oh, uh oh.

I think we're the mechanics saying like, Will, there's several things wrong with your car. And you're like, no, no, no, no. It's just the oil change, baby. Now, Will, have you done any escape rooms? Yeah. Yeah, I've done a couple escape rooms. Yeah.

Do you find that those bring out a certain side of you at all? I love them. I'm into them and I'm socially not cool during them. I just mean like I want to manage everybody's effort like guys Let's do this right anybody here who's doing this for fun should get out because we're gonna do this. Yeah the most efficiently I'm not a good board game partner because I'm like well, how do we win? I guess I am competitive.

Yeah I'm really cool in an escape room. I'm always like leaning against jukeboxes and wearing sunglasses I'm real casual inside there Well, can I ask you an improv based question?

Yeah, unfortunately, I'm incredibly ready for that.

That's the one that you may be prepared for. So I'm a big fan of Comedy Bang Bang. I've been listening for decades at this point, or I guess the decade and a half. You are on Comedy Bang Bang a lot.

Yeah. Isn't that weird?

Yeah.

Are you as surprised as I am that that's happened?

It's always like a delighted surprise. But when you show up on Comedy Bing Bing, you almost always play new characters. You very rarely play a character that you've played before. Yeah, exactly. Is that a your choice or is that a Scott's?

It's because all my characters are terrible because I'm bad at the central skill of the show, which is maintaining a consistent character. Like truly bad at it. I can't do voices. I can't keep track of backstory. I can't commit emotionally to something that I'm not actually feeling. So what I do instead is I just simply say yes to anything that Scott even remotely hints at. But by the end of the episode my character has been destroyed by a labyrinth of insane lore that is not sustainable. So by necessity I have to bring in a blank canvas almost every time.

There always seems to be this nice little freedom to one of your characters where you're like, what about a name and one thing about me and that's all I really need because none of the rest of it will matter at all.

JBC, listen, let's have another show where I tell you about this for hours. Because when I was first on the show, I was so intimidated. And excited. It was really fun or whatever, but you know, there's all these great character actors. I think I started like in 2014, so this is still in the era of like James Adomian coming on, Andy Daly, like real, you know, S-tier character guys. Yeah. I was just like, I can't. So I tried hard. I had like, you know, you know, comedic angles and backstories and prepared lots of things to say. And I would get on there and they would all just, just die. Like they would just bomb so hard. And the only thing that would work would be Scott would be like, so what are you saying? You're like obsessed with tea? You drink tea 10 times a day? I'd be like, yes, that's right. I drink tea 10 times a day. He'd be like, so you have no digestive system? The liquid just goes from your mouth right down to your asshole? I'd be like, right from my mouth? Just repeating what was given to me was the only thing that worked. And so pretty quickly I was like, I guess that's what I do on this show. I mean, I really, I love it and I feel lucky to do it and I feel truly bad at it. And it's just like, somehow I have evolved this strange way of surviving in that realm.

As a listener and an enjoyer of that show, I do look forward to, and you're usually coming in at the anchor slot too, so it's like, you're usually the last guest of the episode, and by that point, it seems Scott has lost all patience for anything, and you come up with a very thin premise, and it's just... I get very grumpy Scott sometimes. That's just immediate.

He knows me well enough that I don't mind it and he can let loose. There have been a couple episodes where he's texted me after he goes, are you mad at me?

That's awesome.

And I've never been upset by anything on the show. I adore it.

Yeah, I noticed that same dynamic between him and Paul Offtopic is sometimes where they have to, in character, say, we like each other and we're friends. Yeah, that's right. We like each other and we're friends. That's right.

It is fascinating sometimes to be like, somebody will be like, I'm a ghost in a chair. And Scott will be like, OK, what's your, what else? Like, OK. Yes, that's not enough for me. Right. And then other people, like yourself, will be like, yeah, so I'm a film director. And he'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, yeah.

I feel like Erin's—I think, Erin, I don't mean to project my feelings onto you, but I think you have a similar experience of, like, loving it and being excited and being happy doing it and also being a nervous wreck during the entire experience.

True terror, going, why am I in this part of the order?

What do you mean?

I always say to Scott that I would rather have him watch me give birth than pitch a character to him. That would feel less intimate. Erin, I think I know your next character. I know. It feels like all my organs are on a table in front of him, my neck is out, and I'm like, what about a guy who works at a Vegas casino who has a bad cold? And he's like, uh, what's his name?

That's not what he says. Nobody goes, uh, you are imagining things.

spiritually you just watch something behind his eyes just because it's a bunch of clowns rotating through his house saying like the dumbest shit you've ever heard and you're just like and I'm just another clown and I'm just one of the many clowns that's true yeah I also think you are downplaying how fully fleshed out Boobs Rinse is as a character.

Now look, please cut all this out, but Boobs Rinse, JBC, because I always bring a new character in, right? And that's bad for the show because there'll be like anniversary shows or tour shows and you're supposed to bring back somebody.

I'm like, I have nobody to bring back.

Nor am I famous enough to win over new people. I'm like in the worst zero area of no characters and no fame. So, I created... Boobs Rinse is not a character. It's a silly name that I just... I mean, he does have certain... He's a detective and he's an actor, but he also is a blank canvas. And it's just, that name is built for the description, the written description of the podcast episode. I think it looks funny. It is, I don't think there is any character of substance behind that name, but it's built for the description. I disagree. Boobs rinsed, Will Hines. And I'm like, okay, that'll keep me alive.

I think he could carry a franchise. I think that's how load-bearing he is. I think three movies at least.

I empathize with the impulse to be like, I don't want to create like a compelling character, because we do improv on this show, but listeners of our show will know, we keep our improv scenes to about two minutes, two and a half minutes. It's just enough that you don't really need to have like a character that can be sustained for any length of time. It's the perfect amount of short form improv to inject into a podcast.

Okay, I want to see a scene where Erin is in a job interview with Adal, and Erin has no confidence in her own ability to get this job for no reason. And Adal wants her to get it. And JPC, you're a nosy receptionist who wants to be involved.

Yes, yes, yes! One of my big characters, I can sink my teeth into.

Knock, knock, knock. Now's probably a bad time. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. Come on in. Have a seat.

Oh, gosh. I, you know, just in case someone else needs to sit here, I will leave this open. I'm so sorry for wasting your time.

Crisscross applesauce style. Here's my resume.

I'll just put it right in the trash.

Oh, no. Hey, no, no, no.

Hey, that's... I'll take that yoink and... Mr. Morton, your two o'clock is... Oh, she's already here.

Daphne, thank you so much. Two o'clock, this is Daphne. Did you need anything? Let her know.

No, I don't need anything. Do you need anything, Daphne? I can run out and grab you a cup. I'll bring you a black tea and a water. Welcome back.

Yeah. Pete Hegseth.

I mean Einstein was my like great grandfather or grandfather. Great grandfather. That actually probably makes more sense. No grandfather. Doesn't matter. What's your full name? Rebecca Einstein. Rebecca Jesus Einstein.

The woman who solved the aquatic equation? Excuse me.

I hate to walk in here unannounced. Have you seen my wife Daphne? I left my lunch at home and I'm lost without the lunches she made.

I'm her husband. Daphne, can you come in here? What's your name, sir? My name is Tortoise. Daphne, your husband is here.

Oh my God, Tortoise! What are you doing here?

Daphne, my love!

You remembered! Give me a kiss.

Daphne, I forgot my lunch. I got no ham and cheese at the construction site. I look a fool.

I thought you remembered that today was our 50th wedding anniversary.

And you'll have to excuse them. They're a 1940s comic strip that came to life.

Yeah, I wondered.

They've been magic to come to life and I've been trying to take care of them.

Oh, Tardis, I'm gonna smash you one with my frying pan.

No, look, I'm gonna break a real bottle on your face.

It was a local paper. It was trying to do like a Honeymooners, but it got real violent. Right. I pretend not to know. Can we undo it? Let's see. I've tried.

Oh, perfect voice.

Nine more hours of this.

Here we go. I'm ready.

JPC, did you hear about Erin?

Oh, you know what? I feel like I got a text and I like skimmed it.

Yeah.

Well, you can read it right now.

It's kind of a mix-up.

Hey guys, Erin here. I went to get my hair dyed. Oh, interesting. She spelled it D-I-E-D. And they killed my hair, and so now I'm at my hair's funeral. Will be here all day. Seems like a lie, right? That's gotta be a lie.

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Wait, back hair funerals?

Back-to-back hair funerals. That's when two back hairs get tangled up together and you have to go to one funeral and it's obviously closed.

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Have you talked to fiber rich in a while?

I do, yeah, and it's not been going well for hippies if I report now.

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And if you see Erin out in the wild, wish her condolences on the death of her hair.

Whoa, who's that new hunk? He's dressed so well. Whoa, look at him. He is dressed so well.

You guys, you're looking in a mirror.

Oh, I thought that was like Vince Quince or something. Yeah, that's us. We look amazing. I thought that was like Quince Diesel or something. We look like that?

Yes, it's because you are wearing your new quince high quality wardrobe staples. Look at you, Adalyn, your 100% Mongolian cashmere sweater. And JPC, you look incredible in this button down if I do say so myself.

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Did someone say Vince Quince?

Whoa! Yeah, like five minutes ago.

Yeah, like a long time ago.

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You guys, I'm rebranding. You know how my whole thing is how tired I am all the time?

Yes.

And that I am constantly trying to find solutions and most of them have me like crash after a couple hours.

Sure. Yeah.

That's all over now. I have ultra pouches. Does a cartwheel, puts my hands up. Whoa, whoa.

She said does a cartwheel. Erin, I am so happy for you. I mean, I am kind of sad that this means that we won't get any more, like, classic energy-less Erin antics, which were some of my favorite of your antics. But it's cool that you found something that works for you.

Yes, they're instant focus in a pouch.

I also heard that ultra pouches are ideal for athletes, runners, and health-conscious people because they are 100% nicotine-free?

Yes! Just pop one pouch in 5 minutes before your run, workout, or work day, and you'll feel it sharpen your mind and lift your energy by the time you start.

Hmm, and it's trusted by top athletes, entrepreneurs, and engineers around the world.

Does another cartwheel, Lynx?

Wow, she said she did another cartwheel. And I'm also hearing that 90% of users saw significant improvements in their overall focus levels, calm, steady flow state focus, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood balance, all with zero nicotine and zero caffeine. Wow, zero caffeine too?

Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't taste bad. There's all sorts of flavors. Cool Mint, Wintergreen, Tropical Watermelon, and Blue Raz. Third cartwheel into a backflip. Wings again.

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Okay, well, now's as good a time as any to start some riddles. I have some listener-submitted ones from Lucia. Thank you so much for sending these in. And she got these in a place that I felt a little surprised by, and maybe this is my own ignorance, but they're from one of the Mary Poppins books. And there's a fourth book, which surprised me, that Michael, these riddles Michael Banks had to solve in order to leave the evil cat kingdom. And Lucia just said this as if that is a common part of the lore of Mary Poppins, and I'm horrified.

Is Michael Banks a character from Mary Poppins?

Michael Banks is the son in Mary Poppins, the little boy. So it's Jane and Michael Banks, he's the little boy that Mary Poppins watches.

Got it.

But is anyone familiar with this?

No.

No.

The extended Mary Poppins universe? Yeah, the evil cat kingdom?

No, I don't know anything about it. I mean, Dick Van Dyke, people fly, there's bad British accents, and that's the end of my knowledge of it.

Please follow Will on Letterboxd. It's a lot more where that came from. Dick Van Dyke, people fly. I don't know. One star.

Yeah, that's like Will's We Didn't Start the Fire.

Okay, so these are some, I guess, Mary Poppins riddles.

Can I ask Erin, because in this I don't, Mary Poppins is a movie.

I think it was based on a book.

But it was, okay, so it was based on a book. That is part of its thing. Okay. That I had no idea about.

But the books, I think, like, I don't know if you saw Saving Mr. Banks, the Tom Hanks, Emma Thompson movie.

I know of it.

I would love to see your review of that. The woman, I think her name is Mary Travers, who wrote Mary Poppins was a very non-whimsical person, which is so strange. But she didn't want it to be a musical. And she didn't like how like silly and whimsical the movie ended up being. So I'm surprised to hear that there's an evil cat kingdom in one of her books. I'm gonna dive, I'll do a deep dive into this. I'll report back to you guys.

Thank you, Erin. Whimsical? What are the books like? Because Mary Poppins is arguably the most whimsical character in cinematic history.

I know, I think it's supposed to be a little bit more family-oriented. I think it's a little bit more sentimental. I don't know. Maybe I'll read the Mary Poppins book.

Yeah, maybe you will, Erin, and maybe you'll come a little bit more prepared before you just bring all this Mary Poppins stuff on us for the podcast.

In front of a guest, Erin? I know, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you.

Okay, here we go.

Round as a marble, blue as... And I'm considering these warm-up riddles.

Globe. Okay.

No, but I love the way that you're thinking. Round as a marble, blue as the sea, unless I am brown or gray, maybe. Smile and I shine, my window pane. Frown at me and down comes my rain. I see all things but nothing I hear. Sing me to sleep and I disappear.

It's a crying eyeball. I'd like to see a scene. Erin and Will, you are two parents. Your child was lost years ago to the Cat Kingdom. He has just returned. JPC, you are that child who's returned after many a year stuck in the Cat Kingdom.

Hey, I want to tell you, your backhand is really looking better these days, Erin.

Oh my gosh.

Today on the Tennis Man, I really noticed it.

Thank you so much. I'm just, like, I'm dealing with the arthritis, and I just, my wrist is not as, well, what it was before.

The attention you're paying to your game is paying off.

Hey, what's that noise? Is there someone upstairs?

I can't be. We're alone. Happy.

Yeah, I know. We're still alive. Meow. Grab a knife. Grab a knife.

No, not meow.

There's someone here. Hello.

Grab a knife.

Sir, this is our home, okay? This is Texas. I have a right to kill you.

I live here. I live here.

We have a right to kill you. Alright. We have a right to kill you, by the way. This is North Austin. I'll stab you in your throat. Who are you? Look at me. Look at me. Why?

It's

Our Jeffrey was a little boy that went missing and we looked for like an hour. We gave it the old college try. What?!

We looked for an hour. We delegated a search team for the rest of the day. It came up empty.

I got lost in the cat kingdom. I spent 13 years in there. You look for an hour? Cat kingdom. Yeah, I mean, I gotta be honest, for the first week it was like a transition portal. I could hear you, you guys couldn't hear me. I was in the walls, I was calling your names. Mom, you told me to shut up a couple times, I remember.

Yeah, no, I do remember there was a period after you left where I thought I was hearing things in the walls. It was sort of a very needy. It was sort of very needy kind of week.

I was 13. Let me tell you something. Dual income no kids is a really great way to live.

You know what it's like going through puberty in the cat kingdom? You're having all these confusing feelings that all there is is anthropomorphic cats.

You were in a cat kingdom.

Yes! I was in a cat kingdom! Look at me! I'm covered in fur!

Good for you.

Welcome back to What do you think the portal is? A litter box?

So you have to be willing to shove yourself through the sand of the litter box? I think so.

That's the only thing that makes sense.

Okay, I'm looking into this Mary Poppins nonsense. It's PL Travers who wrote it Third book in the original series and then they did a short based on this third book What do you mean a short?

Oh like a Disney short?

Yeah, that Julie Andrews is in. So she showed up for that. I don't know. I don't know. We'll figure it out later Okay, I think I might have just jumped timelines. Here's the second one Deep within me is a bird. And in that bird, another me. And in that me, a bird again. Now what am I in letters three? Egg. Yes!

Wow. Bird in the egg question.

Would like to see a scene. Will and Adal, you guys are both chickens. And Adal, you just laid an egg for the first time and you're like really scared and confused and you are confiding in Will about it.

I'm Beatrice, this came out of you? This came out of me. Now, at first I thought maybe I had just sat on it. But no, at some point I felt sort of an elastic, um, how to describe it? It's sort of like, it was sort of like when you're passing like a gallstone.

Yeah. Well, Beatrice, I don't understand. Have you been eating larger versions of these? How good does this happen?

I don't know what this is, but you're the father. I'm the father? You're the father. I'm responsible for this? Whatever this is, you're responsible.

Listen, I'm up at the crack of dawn. Every day. The crack of dawn. You're up at 1045 a.m. max. I beat you, miss. I'm up five or ten minutes before you, alright?

Because I'm up till 4 a.m. warding off wolves. The sun, you do what the sun does already.

Hey guys, knock knock, it's me, Farmer Tom. Just letting you know, we are going to kill some of you today. So is anyone sick or on their last leg or anyone doing anything weird?

We're feeling good.

Something weird. Uh, no.

Phillip said he can't sleep. Yeah.

Hmm. Okay.

Wait.

Alright, so you just went to the top of my list, Philip. Fantastic.

Oh, shit. Wait. He's the father of this. Oh, hold on. Wait, Farber? Farber Top? Yeah, what's up? This is a tribute. This is put this add this to the pile. This is I'll call it a a Egg Shit I meant to say leg and I where did you find this? What do you I keep it came out of my came out of Beatrice's my cloaca Yeah came out of her cloaca

Like everything I don't recognize, I'm gonna go inside and I'm gonna try eating this. And then I'll be back.

Okay. Bye, Father Tom. And I, and I, um, I'm feeling fine, actually. I'm feeling fine. God. I mean, I understand I gotta be killed someday, but not today. I'm almost done with my pilot. Are you still working on that piece of shit? Yes, I'm still working on it. It's not a piece of shit. And you still think you'll get Greg Kinnear to star in this? I think I'm gonna get Greg Kinnear and Helen Hunt. We're gonna do it as good as it gets. Reboot.

Delusional! Welcome to Netflix. You have about a minute to pitch your show. Tell us what you're thinking.

Gosh, I'm nervous. Sorry. So sorry.

Whenever you're ready.

Well, okay, we all remember As Good As It Gets. We all remember all of the details of that movie. There's been no better romantic comedy before or since As Good As It Gets. A man suffering from mental illness that's unaddressed with a perfectly B-plus sitcom actress. And I'd like to bring that back. But, get this, they're talking pieces of shit. The turds that come out of the barnyard animals have personality. Like Toy Story, but it's shit story.

We're not interested, but we are hungry. Wings, guys? I'm thinking wings, really. Snap your neck.

We just ate Jonah Hill, you don't think we're gonna eat you?

Yeah, I see. Oh my God. Here we go.

We really stuck it to Netflix on that one. Yeah, we did.

Take that.

Take that, streaming industry. Take that, Sarandos? Zaslov? Which one? I don't know.

Hey, what are you guys? Take that, what are you guys?

We have one more Mary Poppins riddle, and then we're gonna take a quick break. Okay.

And then we get out of the cat kingdom, right? If we get this one right?

Yeah, but you might have to be here for another thousand years to be kings here. Narnia rules.

Narnia rules. Narnia rules, dude. Narnia rules.

Narnia rules. Elegant into the jungle beast that lives in field and fold. He's like the sun when he is young and like the moon when old. He sees no clock, he hears no time, and yet he always knows the time. What is it? I'll read it again. Elegant into the jungle beast that lives in field and fold. He's like the sun when he is young and like the moon when old. He sees no clock and hears no chime and yet he always knows the time.

This one's hard. He sees no clock and hears no time?

Hears no chime and yet he always knows the time. I think the most helpful part of this riddle is he's like the sun when he is young.

So, what's like the sun when he's young?

He's yellow when he's young.

Like a chick? He's like the moon, he's like green or something? Like a goose? No.

Yeah, so he's yellow when he's young and what, gray when he's old?

Here's what's next! Yeah, it's organic matter, it's alive, it grows.

Some sort of plant? Sunflower? Sunflower seed? Sunflower to sunflower seed?

You're getting close. Sunflowers. Okay, so a plant that goes gray? Oh boy.

Well, whitish.

Whitish.

Whitish. Almost like clear.

Today's episode is

I don't think I've ever seen a mid-transition dandelion from when it's going from the yellow to the white, wispy things. I feel like I need to watch a time-lapse video of it to know that it actually happens.

I think they close again, don't they? It almost looks like it's sprouting mold or something, those white things. It does a little close thing.

The yellow parts go away, they all fall off, or they just suck back in. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I should know this about dandelions, but I've only ever seen their two states.

They're doing it in private. Yeah, I think that they all fall off. Okay, yeah, okay.

I mean, I've never seen a squirrel asleep, but I trust they do it.

I think it closes again.

Okay.

So it blooms, it closes, and then it poofs, and then it wilts.

Have you guys seen those time-lapse videos of houseplants moving at night? Yeah, cuz like cuz you don't think about like your plants moving, but they move a fuckton like I have like um like But like if you watch the people have like time-lapse play videos of their plants at night and their plants are like just going crazy Like just moving around but they move so slowly that we we wouldn't like recognize it as movement, but it's pretty it's pretty odd stuff and

I haven't seen the nighttime... I've seen where they track the sun across the sky up against a window, but I haven't seen nighttime party plants.

Maybe it's a specific type of nighttime party plant, but I have one that I... I don't know what kind of plant it is, but every morning when I wake up, I'm like, oh, you're at a completely different angle than you were when I went to sleep.

Just the thought of this video is terrifying me. I've never heard or thought about this and it's completely terrifying. The plants are moving around? Oh yeah, they're moving. They're moving. A lot. Are they like comatose people, like they're alive and awake and they're trying to talk to us and we're just like dumping water on them and stuff like that? Is every plant a depressed, trapped spirit that I now have to feel bad for? I'm

that to me is like if there was reincarnation you like as a bird you're like i'm gonna go to every stadium show that's ever that that comes to town and i'm never gonna buy a ticket baby i'm just gonna cruise over for like just when they play monkey wrench and for no other songs and then the other thing i saw was i saw a monarch butterfly in the stadium and i was like brother you're not in the right place at all like the the speakers here are like You're, like, they've killed you. You're walking dead at this point, Monarch Butterfly. You don't need to be here. Anyway.

Wow. You saw the real concert. Mother Nature.

Will, if you died, do you want to come back as a seagull at a Red Sox game?

I wouldn't mind. You know I wouldn't mind. That'd be great. That would be great. But they lost the last two games, Erin. That's because you're not paying enough attention. You're right. You started their winning streak, so you have to pay some attention.

You started their winning streak.

I did. I had nothing to do with it. I'm not capable of positive reinforcement.

I feel like we did talk about this on the show, Erin.

The Josh Gondelman episode.

Yes, so now, and I haven't been following, unfortunately I have not been following baseball since the Josh Gondelman episode, but you fucked it. That's alright. You fucked the Red Sox now, Erin?

The Sox went on a huge winning streak when Erin Keif went to a game, and it was continuing all through July, one of the best winning periods of any baseball team's history. They've completely turned it around, but they lost the last two games. Adam is disappointed in me. You're like a fan version of Bill Buckner.

Come on. Come on.

No, Erin, that's fair. That's fair for what you are.

No, I like when fans feel guilty for what a multi-million dollar organization that doesn't even know who they are.

Since they're losing again, has the Boston Globe turned on them?

No, the Globe is still on their side. The Globe has been won over, but I think they'll turn quickly. They've only lost two in a row. It's in and of itself nothing. But if it's the beginning of the end, the globe will turn on them quick. It's anyone's ballgame still. I'm obsessed with sports headlines that are very negative. They really make me laugh. Like when a sports journalist is just like, pig-brained idiots can't hit ball like a bunch of evil men. They're just so emotionally betrayed.

I'm so sorry, I do need to see, just because I heard The Globe. I do need to see, Will, you are Boston Superman, and aired your lowest lane, and this is when you discover that Clark Kent is Boston Superman.

So yeah, I've got that copy checked, Lois, for the, uh, for the new story on Harvard vs. MIT. What?

Where are your glasses?

What? Oh. Oh! Never mind. Hold on. Don't look. Don't look. There we go.

Oh my god, Clark, are you fucking serious? Are you fucking Superman?

Alright, I'm Boston Superman, okay? I'm Boston Superman, alright? Lay off.

So what? Big whoop. Get the hell out of my house.

Get the hell out of my? Get the hell out of your house?

You lie to me like this. You lie to me like this in my house.

Oh, give me a break. You pay enough attention to even notice if I lie. Give me a break.

I fell out of a tree the other day and Clark Kent just went, oh honey, that looked painful. You could have flown up and... I couldn't, hey.

Are you joking?

I couldn't, I like... I mow the lawn.

Hey, I've got bad depth perception. You're Superman! You're the laziest husband I have ever, that could, on this earth. Clark Kent is the laziest husband you ever, okay?

Boston Superman, he's great.

Okay?

Oh, he's a little overrated.

I gotta maintain... It's to protect you! I can't have Boston Lex Luthor coming and messing up your shit. Oh, Boston Superman, come quick. Chapaquiddick's happening.

I gotta... Oh, I... Never mind. Never mind. Oh, I missed it.

Scene!

That's what they call it, right?

Chappaquiddick? Chappaquiddick, yeah.

It's happening. Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

I'm trying to think of other angles of things. I was like, Delaware Batman.

Yeah, that's got a couple of Chicago guys to go deep on Boston lore. It's not fair. That's not fair, guys. That's not fair.

Let's take a little break while JBC figures out what Delaware Batman is.

Why do you want to start a 501c3?

Well, guys, I gotta go. I'm taking Square Bear, my new best friend, out to a very fancy dinner because I saved a bunch of money using rocket money.

Whoa. Wow. Shea honey?

Uh, uh, French, uh, honey-dry? French, yeah.

Yeah, well, everyone think hard on this. I've loved Rocket Money for so long. It's an app that helps me find and cancel all my unwanted subscriptions. It monitors my spending all in one place. I've loved it forever. It color codes things for me and it helps me keep track of all of the free trials that I've signed up for and forgot to cancel.

Yeah, you can also set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

And here's a list of the world's best restaurants. Let's see. Can I do bear puns on any of these? One called the Fat Bear. Is that something? The Fat Duck?

You could also use it to do automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it approach. So if you're trying to sign up for a fancy dinner at Le Cordon Bear?

Noma? No Bear.

Bearma? Le Bear-na-din? 11 Madison Bear. Erin, baby, you ready?

Oh yeah, we're gonna head out.

I can afford to treat you like a queen because I've been using Rocket Money.

Ooh la la. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. See you later, guys.

And guys, if you go on a date with a bear, let the bear pay.

Come on Square Bear, let's get in your convertible car and go to... We're going to Bear, Alinea. Awesome.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Now these are kind of hard, but I think that this is the right group of people for these next. Okay.

I'm up to the challenge, just if anyone cares. If anyone's counting, I'm up to the challenge.

I'm counting.

All right, everybody, we are back. We are going to do some more listener-submitted riddles. These are, I think, incredibly impressive, considering also that this listener is from the Czech Republic. So these are from Jana, and they have deemed these word chops. And they're not totally sure if we've done these on the show before, but I don't think we have. And they're a little complicated to describe, but I think once we're in it, it will be very clear. I'm actually quite terrified to be doing this. I will give you a text with some words missing. Each missing word is the same word as the previous missing word, but with one letter removed. Every time a word is used, a letter is chopped from it.

Can we hear an example?

I would love to give you an example. A blank rides his horse through stormy blank. Through a stormy blank. Little does he know the end is blank.

Hmm. Daniel Daniels. A blank rides his horse.

Jock rides his horse.

Yeah, what are some other... Stormy blank?

That was the second one?

Yep. So a blank rides his horse through a stormy blank.

A knight rides his horse through a stormy night.

Little does he know the end is nigh.

JPC, that was great. Smarter than I look. And I look fucking stupid.

I'd actually like to see a scene. JPC, you're gonna be a knight. Adal, you're gonna be his horse. And Adal, you're like, isn't it a little kind of scary outside to be going? And JPC, you're encouraging him to push through.

We'll grab some hay over here.

No, no, no hay, no hay. My brave steed, we must continue on, for the princess's life is in grave danger. Oh. Um, well, I've heard... Onward into the night! Through the twisty brambles and the trees and the darkened shapes and the haunted owls. Ow.

Okay, you can either say onward or kick. Uh, what are the others preferred? Um, it's a little muddy. My, my, I don't want to break a hoof.

Yes, ah, but who are we, a knight in his valiant steed, to be frightened of a little mud? Steve. I'm sorry? My name is Steve. We've talked about this. Your name is Ronaldo. Ah, boy. A powerful name.

Very good, very good.

Witch, that's a witch.

No witch. No, no, no. No witch. No witch. No witch. No, no, no. Ah, listen.

Pardon me, ma'am, but you have a big wart upon your nose.

It's the humidity. Listen, I'm ridden by a knight, but not last night. Come on, you're a witch. No, no, no, no.

Listen, come on. I'm an old lady.

Now listen, my hovel... We're not saying you're not an old lady. You're definitely an old lady. We're saying you're probably also a witch.

You have a wand. No, nothing supernatural about. Don't be silly. Now listen, my hollow... Throw the wand away. Throw the wand into the woods. I need this for balance. I need this for balance. I need the wand for balance. No, listen, relax. Hey, look at that.

Hey, I've known this horse for ten years. I've never heard him laugh once. That broke my horse.

He's a fucking witch.

Come on.

I'm not going to relax! I need to stick to balance? It's not even a cane, it's not even touching the ground.

I just point, listen, can I get you something for my, yes?

I want to let you get to your thing, but you're a fucking witch. Tell me you're a witch and then I'll let you get to your thing, but you're a witch.

I can't do it, I can't do it because I'm not a witch, okay? Thanks for watching! Listen, what did you say?

Horse? I said textbook witch. Come on. I'm opening up a book. I'm turning it towards you. That's basically a drawing of you.

Oh, I admit there's some resemblance.

Listen, let's- Hey, and before I sound crazy, I know he's not a horse. I know he's a guy. He's strong.

Oh, I was going to- Yes, you're riding a man.

He is a man, yeah. Good for you. Listen... He's my... He's my... He's my, um, sister's kid. What? So I gotta... I'm doing my sister a favor by having him be kind of my horse.

How's that a favor? You're riding him as a favor?

I'm sorry. Did I say favor? I meant punishment. He's my sister's kid and he's being punished.

Ah, I see.

Which is a favor to my sister, really. I see. I don't have to explain myself to some witch!

I'm not a witch! Now come into my candy house and I'm gonna show you my cauldron.

Oh, candy. Oh, candy. Okay. Why don't you say so? What the hell? Let's go.

That guy's gonna be a real horse by the end of this for sure.

I love the, that's a wand. No, no, no. I need this stick for balance.

For balance is so funny.

So good.

All right. Let's do some of these. And I think, yeah. And some of these like sentences, you'll get it. It's good. It's good.

I hope so, Erin. I hope so.

It only costs a blank to buy those peas. And before you give them to the ducks in the blank, make sure you remove them from the blank.

It only costs a pound. Pound. Pound. Pound. What was the last sentence?

Make sure to remove them from the blank. What? It's the P's.

Pod.

Pound? Pod, yes.

Pod.

Pod. Mm-hmm. Motherfuck! Son of a gun. Yeah. We got the hard one and lost the easy part. Yeah, pod.

All right, now this one has four words in it.

That's impossible.

I know, I know. Will, please don't freak out. I'm so sorry. Don't log off.

We just learned these riddles, but surely there cannot be four. That breaks all logic from the two we've done.

The sword blank hit him in the head. It's quite blank for a battle, he thought, but once you are a blank with a castle, sword swinging close by your blank is the price of doing business. And I'm so sorry, these are hard to get through. Let me read it again.

Okay, okay.

The sword ____ hit him in the head. It's quite ____ for a battle, he thought, but once you're in ____ with a castle, swords swinging close by your ____ is the price of doing business.

Close by your ear?

Yes. Great way of doing this.

Okay. Oh, earl?

Mm-hmm. It's quite ____ for a battle.

Earl and castle with a castle? Early? Yes. Early. And the sword blank.

Is it like an adverb? Like the sword heavily or something?

Yeah, the sword blank hit him in the head.

Nearly?

Nearly! You guys, you managed to get through it. Congratulations, everybody. That was a lot of hard work from the boys.

I had to do backwards. I had to do backwards.

I'd like to see a scene. With Erin as a warrior who's just in it to try to become an Earl. Like she's just super worried about how this is going to help her career.

Perfect.

Adal and JBC are two warriors who actually are worried about the battle.

Great. Careful, careful, careful, careful.

Welcome back. Watto, your head looks fine. My hair. We do, right.

Is it out of place?

Hmm?

Is it out of place?

Might I suggest a helmet for the battle?

Yeah, I want helmet hair. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and come home a hero with helmet hair. Yeah, right.

Sarcasm doth fork your tongue into our minds. We should be focusing on the battle at hand. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, stand in front of me! Huh? Oh my gosh, stand in front of me! Well, we do stand abreast, so as to best foil our foe.

The phalanx tactic is one of precision and protection.

Oh my god, don't let them get me.

Kicks a kid in the well, this is Sparta.

Yeah.

Merrily I say, um, do you want to draw your blade or perhaps a spear?

So what have we here? The enemy! So close! Three heads for me to chop off! Me! Uh, which side are you guys? We're shirts. You're skins.

Then I am skins! And I shall defeat you three in the name of this.

If you're skins, good sir, take off your shirt.

I'd be glad to, of course. Chainmail, still chainmail. Alright, let me just take this layer off. There we go. Yes!

Yes! I got that one. That was me. I got that one.

No. You, uh, my lord. You could possibly. That was obviously mine.

Count as me.

Tell my story.

We don't know your name.

We didn't catch your full name.

Could you... Wait, you want us to tell that story to people? No, not... Leave that part out.

Leave that part out.

That's the only part we know about you.

No, tell my... I was a teacher. I was a teacher.

A teacher? Quick, your name and your lands?

Uh, Brad. And I'm from Skinsouth.

Okay, Brad died an embarrassing death.

No! No, don't tell that part! I won Teacher of the Half Year! Teacher of the Half Year! I don't know.

Teacher of the Half Year?

We'll give him out in halves!

I mean, that was clear from Teacher of the Half Year, right?

It's like winning Employee of the Two Weeks.

What are we doing here? Why are you confused? Why are you confused? It just doesn't seem impressive. It's not my story.

I'm going to tell about all of this. No! This is part of it.

Were you married? Yes!

For like two months, but... Oh, that's not... You want us to tell? You do not want us telling your story.

Just tell the married part. Oh, she was, uh, she was, uh...

Oh boy, oh boy. She was what? She was easy on the eyes. Stop doing that with your hands.

Stop doing that with your hands. I'll tell you this. She was a winner. 10 out of 10.

This is a bad story. You're not going to like us telling this.

She was drunk when we got married. It was Vegas. And then she sobered up and was embarrassed. And a month later, divorced me.

The wedding was beautiful. I am going to tell your story. I am going to tell this. This is crazy.

I changed my mind. Oh, you want a song? You prefer a song?

No, just leave me out of it.

Let me die. Brad, we've already written it down. I'm not going to waste Will Hines.

He was dumb and his body was funny. His wife divorced him after two months. Something like that. He died an embarrassing death.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. That's okay.

Okay, so I know Netflix passed on it, but here at Apple TV, we don't pass on anything. We take every single pitch that is pitched to us. So what have you got for us? You said you've got a brilliant story that you heard about on a battlefield? That sounds like something- Sugar Season 3.

If you could do Sugar Season 3 cheaper than what we were gonna pay the guys who did season 1 and 2, we'll let you do it. Will, speaking of Apple TV, just really quick, what episode of Widow's Bay is your voice sneakily in?

I'm barely in Widow's Bay. My good friend Katie Dippold, who I'm on an improv team with, created Widow's Bay, and she's the genius behind it. And she's a true lunatic, in a good way, obsessed with horror. But yeah, I am in the episode where Patricia throws a party and is possessed by a devil but doesn't know it.

Yes.

That's the best episode. It is the best episode. And the Jeff Hiller's character, I forget his name because I just think of him as Jeff Hiller, tries to DJ, but he's got to play Spotify and an ad comes up and I am the ad. It's like, this is how we do it. And I'm like, let us tell you how we do it at Male Pattern Baldness, you know, prevention. Yeah, I know that exact scene. That's outstanding. I snuck in there just for the Really, my friend Neil Casey, my friend wrote that episode, or no, wrote for the show, and he wanted to do the ad, but then they cast him in a role where he's in the scene, so... Yeah, he's like the inn owner, right? Yeah, he owns the inn. But that show is incredible, and it's one of those things where she's been talking about it forever. As early as 2014, she had like a huge document like show Bible thing where it was like her dream. Couldn't get anybody to pay attention to it because it was like high budget multi-genre. Yeah. And then it finally went and it's everything she wanted, which is cool.

I mean, we're in like such a horror-esence right now. It's just like the perfect time for horror. Yeah. I'm not a big horror person, but I loved Widow's Bay. I thought it was fantastic.

Absolutely. It's pretty incredible. Yeah. And I know nothing about the next season. What's that? I was just saying it's an embarrassment of spooky riches.

It is.

Let me tell you something Katie would do for her Halloween parties. She always does scary things at her Halloween parties. One year, you came to her house for the party. You got to the front door. It's locked. And there's a sign that says, key is in the tent behind you. And you turn around and out across the street is a little pup tent with a spotlight on it. And you have to run across the street into the tent to get a key for the door. And then when you come out of the tent, a man dressed as Michael Myers is walking towards you with a machete. And you have to run to the door and unlock it and get in before he cuts his up to you.

How sure were you that that was part of the party? Are we 100%? That's so scary.

Yeah, that's incredible. Oh my God. It was pretty amazing.

Love. Katie Dippold is the originator of the Babadook tweet, right? Yeah, she's the Babadook tweet, yeah.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's probably still the most famous thing she's done. She's like, wrote for Parks and Rec for years and wrote the heat and stuff, but it's like, ooh, the Babadook tweet.

Should we do one more of these? And I will return to them. There is more. But we're going to do one more and then we will move on.

And Delaware Batman will return.

Don't forget Tortoise!

Tortoise is probably the most fleshed out character I've done in like 10 years.

You're telling us all of our good characters can't come back? Erin, shame on you!

Oh, you're right. You're right, they should. Her blank of hand skill was low. Thus, there was only a blank chance she would steal the key. It was a glorious blank when the dice fell on Nat 20. Everybody around the table breathed a blank of relief.

The table was blank set for the banquet.

It was meant to look like something out of a blank tale, although

Although to be blank with this kind of money, I could do a blank better job.

Fairly, fairy, fair, far, far.

Yes. Holy fuck. You guys got really quick at these. You're quick on the draw. Holy shit. Well.

Not me. I was going much better job. Let's work backwards from much. Mulch. Mulch. I'd like to see a scene.

Will, you are babysitting two kids, Erin and JPC, and it's bedtime and they want you to read a fairy tale and you just kind of have to make do.

All right, kids, it's about that time.

Wait, wait, before you go, tell us a story.

Well, first of all, I'm not going. You're just going to go to sleep. I'm not leaving. Don't worry.

Yeah, right. Our babysitters always say that, but we get out of a room sometimes and they're long gone.

OK, no, I wouldn't do that. You're going to go to bed and I'm going to be down here protecting the house. So don't you don't you worry about that. Protecting the house?

From what?

Well, you know, that's a good question. I mean, that's the whole idea of a babysitter. Hmm. Well, this sounds like an old lady out there. So, you know, we don't want the old lady to come in here and bore you with stories of the 1970s. So that's what I'm here for. So don't worry about it. And what were you saying, Erin?

A story before bed.

Hmm. Okay, one story, okay? We'll do one story.

You just look down at your pack of cigarettes and then back at us. Is there something you'd rather be doing?

No. I got like five minutes. Let's do a quick story, but one story and then you... Ooh, I gotta feel itchy.

With like an A plot, a B plot, and a C plot. All three plots? Yes.

And that's like romance and then like a lesson. A complete story. Like a hero's journey.

Okay, a romance, hero's journey, and a lesson. An A, B, and C plot? It's

No, sometimes you can learn through maybe and also maybe some like creative storytelling where you kind of break the mold like the save the cat part isn't a part where you might not expect.

Yeah.

Oh, a twist. Why not have a twist?

Okay, so a surprise save the cat moment, a twist, breaking the mold in a in a romance that teaches us something. And it has an A, B, and C plot.

Why don't while you do this, I'm just gonna get on the whiteboard here and I'm just gonna start writing stuff down as you go through the story. Because I want to make sure that you hit every element.

Okay, that'd be great. Okay, once there was a flawed knight. He was a great hero in battle, but he was never able to find love because he was unable to compliment women.

What is in that cigarette box? And he's staring at it.

Nothing, I'm just like, nothing, nothing, don't worry about it. Oh God. Trying to cut down. Trying to cut down to only four packs a day.

He couldn't talk to women?

He couldn't talk to women.

Hello, good night. You do cross my path today. Let me just bend down and pick up this kerchief.

Out of my way, lady. Ow! Ow! I got things to do. Do not shove. I love you. Get out of my way. I love... you can't even... oh, I had my hair done. And so this knight just was really bad at talking to women. That's the A-plot. That's the A-plot.

Okay.

That's the A-plot?

That's the A-plot.

We're gonna stay with this guy? I thought we were introducing like a B-plot early. Maybe it is a B-plot. Don't be too wedded to it. Tell the story, but don't be too wedded to it. Throw it away. Throw away the ideas. It doesn't matter.

So the knight is having trouble with love, right? Uh-huh. Okay. But his brother is a wizard.

But. Okay. I love when people put but in the story.

Okay, and he's never asked his brother for help because they don't get along. Sure. But he knows that his brother can make a love potion that would just fix everything easy. You can't smoke in here. I'm just holding it. I'm just holding it. I'm not lighting it up. Don't worry. I'm gonna put the one behind my ear, but I'm not gonna light that one, and I'm not gonna light the one that's in my hands. I'm gonna put another one in between my nose and my upper lip like this, okay?

That's gonna make the storytelling hard.

Okay, so he goes to the wizard. The wizard's like, I, you know, did you know our father died? And the knight's like, no, I didn't know that. Wizard's like, I promised him I'd be nice to you, so I'm gonna do one favor for you.

What happens off screen? Okay.

Maybe we show it. I'll make the potion, but... By the way, this is my friend. He's here to help act things out. Hey! This is Bernie.

Hey. I just got back from the cat kingdom and boy is my tongue tired. Seed. What? I was licking my ass the whole way.

Welcome to the show.

Will, anything to plug or promote or anything you want people to check out? I don't have anything. I don't have anything. I mean, go to my Instagram. Go to my Instagram.

Check out Weezes Theatre if you're ever in Los Angeles for shows or classes.

But if you go to my Instagram, Willie B. Hines, I'll plug stuff there that comes up and shows and stuff. So you can follow me there. What's the name of the team that you're on with, Katie? The Smokes. We're a UCB team, former ex-New Yorkers who kind of founded an LA team forever ago. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you know what? We do a once a month show, first Friday of every month. And I'm going to say it's great. So come on by and check that out.

Adal, anything to plug or promote?

Check out the new season of Hello from the Magic Tavern, which should be going now. Erin, anything to plug or promote?

Um, I got nothing. Check out Boobs Rinse on Comedy Bang Bang.

Go pay for Comedy Bang Bang, go back to 2014, and go listen to the episodes where Will truly tried to make his characters happen. I think that's what I'm gonna do next.

To Patton Oswalt, Lauren Lapkus episode, where I play an alien named Q-Thor, you can hear me do Comedy Bang Bang completely wrong. as I try to do a real character that I'm bad at and they're not interested in. I gotta listen to this. That was my first ever episode. I didn't even know that anybody famous would be there, like Patton Oswalt was there, and I was sort of like, why am I on this show?

That is the scariest part of Comedy Bang Bang, is you show up and you have absolutely no warning at what celebrity is gonna be there.

Yeah.

And you're like, well, this could be anybody.

I knew Laura Lapkus, so she sort of protected me, but like... That's a truly, I mean if you're interested in hearing a really mid-comedy episode in which you know that one of the people is sweating his entire, all the water in his body is coming out of his forehead.

It's even, but it's fun to know it now with the context. You go back and you think like, oh wow.

Listen, I'll say this just to you Jay, and everyone else listening, you can just stop listening to the episode now. I don't mean to make you guys. But, um, JBC, the next episode, because of that one, I bring nothing. The very next one, I am a librarian, and I have nothing. And Scott immediately is, I think Scott immediately, like, there was different sensitivity about autism back then. He goes, are you autistic? I think that was his first question to me. Oh, no, wait, wait. No, he said, can you read? And I said, no. That's how it started. And I was like, this is better. This is the way to do it.

This is horrifying because you are better at comedy bang bang than me.

And yet, yes you are. A big great first interview question is, can you read? I mean, I got to say, that's an all-timer. That is an all-time interview question. Geraldo asking me if I can read.

Because the first episode had gone so badly, I was like, all right, I'm just going to come in with nothing and I'm going to say yes to literally anything anybody even breathes towards me.

And he goes, can you read?

He said, you can't read, can't you? I go, that's right, I can't read. I remember I was like saying yes sort of robotically. That's just for you, JPC. Nobody else out there dig those up because neither of those episodes went great. You say I'm better at this, Erin, but I think Scott is just amused at how truly on my heels I am. He has all these geniuses who have no problem, and then Will Hines comes in and just is tripping and falling all over everything, and he's like, hey, this is good for me.

I very much enjoy it. Go listen to Will Hines' episodes. What else do people listen to? Listen to Gumshoes and Dragons. And listen to the Patreon of this show if you got five bucks a month or if you don't want to hear some ads. Go listen to that. And we'd really appreciate it.

And we'll have you on a long-form improv show on our Patreon someday. So we can really dig into some improv with you.

Yes, please. When I'm not talking to you guys, I'm sitting right here at this desk 24 hours a day.

Reading Boston Globe headlines about the Red Sox.

Furious, like, you're not on their side! Erin, I've got a Boston Globe headline right here. Would you like to read it? Hey there, cars and rabbits. If you liked that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of This Day in Improv History. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.

And we're here at HeadGum! So this is just a podcast where we just talk. We're best friends, we talk, and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So the audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

I'm really sorry.

I felt the support. I was trying to be supportive, but I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.