Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

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Walk the stank.

That's good.

Cause stinky. Cause stinky.

Cause stinky. Yeah. And the plank is stinky. How'd it get stinky?

Oh, also Erin jumped, um, and floated away to space.

Yarr. Yarr.

Bark bark bark, JPC. Me hungry.

Adal, we've talked about this, my man. If you do that, I will feed you, but it will be dog food.

That's fine.

Okay, I mean, I think I know what's going on. You want the dog food because you know that I use Ollie dog food.

Ruff ruff.

Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients for dogs. Now, I gotta say, Adal, you can eat it. I don't think you're gonna like it as a human. This is specifically for dogs.

It just looks and sounds so good. Also, with Ollie, you don't just get food through their app, you can actually check in on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture of your dog, not of your Adal, their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, coat, all because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be.

I wonder what happens if I upload a picture of Adal. Let me just try it now. They said, oh, they said, this dog is very sick. Take this dog. Take this dog. It says to a people hospital. I switched to Ollie, I tried it out, my dog Spaghetti absolutely went nuts for Ollie. She is a dog, one of these types of dogs, I don't know if you've heard of, have you heard of these types of dogs? She's the type of dog who you can like put the food in her bowl and then she'll just like see it in there all day and only eat it when she's hungry. Now, when it's time for dinner, at about four o'clock every day, she comes up and starts snapping at me like, hey man, get the Ollie out of the fridge, put it in the bowl, dude, you gotta be getting faster at this. She absolutely loves it, and it's the first food that I've ever given her that she actually seems to be interested in. So get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to Ollie.com slash Riddle, tell them all about your dog, and use code RIDDLE to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E dot com slash Riddle. And enter code RIDDLE to get 70% off your first box. Can't confirm the promo code works because I used it. I used my own promo code for my own podcast. That's how much I like the product.

Oh, shoot. I just remembered I buried some bones in the backyard. And by bones, I mean Erin. Let me go dig her up. Oh boy.

Ollie, feed the obsession.

Erin Keif, what have you baked for us today?

Well, um, I decided to do my grandmother's apple crumble.

What the fuck? Hold on. And... What the fuck? What? You're from America. My card says that you're from America.

Oh, I just figured when in Rome, sort of lean into the energy of the show. My grandmother's apple crumble. It's a savoury dessert. It's been in my family's history for 600 years.

Can't possibly be.

It is a very savoury crust. Are you making fun of us?

Are you making fun of the way we talk?

Me? Yes, you. Am I making fun of the way you talk?

Okay, let me try. Shush, shush, shush. Let me try.

Okay.

Okay, fuck. It's delicious. Absolutely fucking delicious. Tastes like 70 years old. Fuck.

Bon appétit.

Ah, you win. Um... Adal Rifai, what have you baked for us?

Well, you just said she won, so it doesn't make sense for me to even introduce my bake, does it? You just said she won. There's still eight of us to go. You took one bite and you said she won.

Fuck, I mean, okay, yeah.

What have you made?

Let me just, let me try. Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ. It's like an Oreo, but it's like marmalade. It's Oreo marmalade. That's fucking delicious. Oh, god damn it. Oh, fuck. I called them Oreo. Yeah, of course. Of course. Okay. Did yours have a name, Erin? Apple Crumble. Nah, you win. Adal, you win. You're the new winner. Oh.

Paul Hollywood has a hard choice to make. Here in the tent in the middle of England.

Why are you doing that? I already made my choice. I got it wrong. You know they punish us. They punish us when we get it wrong.

They come in, they knock him over the head with a rolling pin. They pull him out. They beat the shit out of Paul Hollywood. You never speak of this again, do you?

Is anyone going to try my gravy cake? Is no one going to try my gravy cake? Why? Because it's disgusting?

Fuck you. You didn't even try. You just poured gravy over a sheet cake you bought at the grocery store. I just poured gravy to this cheap cake.

Judges were told not to try JPC's gravy cake for reasons unknown.

And there's a second voice? Why is there two voices doing the thing? Speaking of two voices, I gotta give a big shout out to my two favorite voices. Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, I'm JPC. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. Welcome to the podcast.

Welcome to the podcast.

Yeah. Does the sound of my voice irritate you guys after all these years? The fuck? Like, does it trigger your fight or flight? Does it feel like you're about to have to do riddles every time you hear my voice?

Don't fall into this.

I think women.

There you go. I think women. Erin, would you ever do, and here's the thing, I don't even know if this is still a thing, would you ever do an OnStar narration? Does that make sense?

Is that the car, a talking car thing?

Yes, but they used to have a thing. At some point, I feel like Holo from the Magic Tavern was going to do our characters doing OnStar, and I forget how it works. I don't know if it's like you have to say 400 different syllables or something, and then they can cobble it together. But it's so that if I have a, you know, 2018 Lincoln Continental, Erin, I can turn on OnStar and you go, hi, it's Erin Keif.

Can you take a left? Oh yeah, 100%. I will do that. It will be so stressful. I will make it feel like you're driving with your mom who has a stress response to driving in the car. Be like, look out! Oh my God, sorry. Don't merge into the highway. Faster!

I feel like I remember, did Samuel L. Jackson do one of those? I feel like there was a smattering of celebrities with great voices that decided to make money doing very little effort.

You know how we used to be able to download ringtones and text tones pretty easily and everyone had a different ringtone for different people who called them?

And you're saying this used to be a nation, right? Erin, you were saying this used to be a country?

This used to be a country before woke. But I've seen people who have fancy new cars are downloading audio sounds to have it be like when they turn on the car, a quote from something turns on. Whoa. Like I saw a woman who has the magic school bus, like buckle your seatbelt sound whenever her car turns on. So what if we gave some people some options from Hey Riddle Riddle that they could download and then have it be the sound when your car turns on?

Oh, if only we had a way to isolate some soundbites of some options of things that people could say. Forget it. I'm gonna kill you. That's so scary. Your car turns on. I'm gonna kill you.

Your car turns on and... Lee Pace massaging soup into Jake Gyllenhaal's mouth. Okay.

You're like, I should buckle up. Yeah. I should buckle up because I don't want that to be the last sound that I ever hear.

I'ma get in the spaghetti and I'ma eat it in one sitting. Oh no, that's a new one. Oh no, I don't like that at all.

Casey, was that you?

Surf's up, my guy.

100%.

Casey gets to have a little fun every once in a while, too.

Can we make a car horn the Howard Dean scream? Do we have that technology?

That would cure road rage.

My car that I've had since 2019, maybe? 2018 or 2019? Very few things have gone wrong mechanically with it, but do you guys remember, in the pandemic, during the Black Lives Matter protests, people who still were concerned about the virus, because there was not a lot of information in that summer, they did a lot of car protests, where you would get in your car and do a long line of cars, and people were honking their horns. I, my wife, and a couple friends, everybody masked up, did one of those car protests, and we like drove down, and we were in the car, long line of cars, and I was honking the horn, and the horn did that thing where it went like, and then it just like stopped working. So like, the horn died, like it ran out of horn juice like mid-protest. Horn juice? Is that what it is? Oh no, this is like, this is embarrassing because what if people think that like, I'm not a guy who is choosing to be here. I'm just a guy who's like driving by. Can you believe this? I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this protest. Like, why are you not hucking your horn? Everyone around you is hucking your horn. So I had to get it like a horn replacement. The horn replacement. I was like, this has got to be like $100, right? Wait, can we guess? Yeah, please. Please.

Um, well, it would be outrageous to me if it was $300.

Okay, Adal Diop. And Erin, you know, because you recently have had a car that has had... It got absolutely destroyed.

Yeah. I still don't have it back.

Okay.

Let's want to guess the amount that it costs and more what you ended up doing, which is just put a goose under your hood.

I truly, after I heard how much it cost, I did think, do I need a horn? Like, is there a safety issue? Like, no one ever uses the horn for any good reason. Do I need a horn? $650 I paid to replace that horn.

I ran into that goose at a bar, Adam, and he just looked really worse for wear. He's just crying over a glass of whiskey, being like, I fucking hate my job.

I didn't wear the goose. Whoever's saying I wore the goose, that's not true. It's been punched in the stomach every five seconds.

It's a living. We're going to find you a new job, Greg. Come on. Come on.

Greg loves what he does. I did end up getting it replaced, but before I heard how much it was, I was briefly considering, like, what if I got one of those, like, comic horns? Like, La Cucaracha or something? Godfather theme or something, yeah.

Godfather theme.

But what I was going to do is I was going to get that, but not tell Mariah about it. So the first time she went to like honk the horn when she was driving the car by herself, she was like, bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah, you know, just like... I thought that would be very funny and ended up doing it.

on the show.

I was doing the math on how much the car costs, and I was like, okay, so it's like 8% of the car is the front door locking. That's how the math works out on what the breakdown is.

Yeah, key fob and horn is a grand, so it's like, when you buy a car for $10,000, yeah. 12% of the value is horn.

Just like a rhino. The sweet siren song of moving to New York at some point. Like I'm just feeling the urge to for so many reasons. Mamdani. Mamdani. Zaran Mamdani. One of the reasons is like the cost of paying for a car plus car insurance is so crazy. And then also, everyone is so bad at driving in LA that people are constantly like, I think Riley's car has gotten swiped or scratched or dented three times in the last like couple weeks. Like, it's just not worth it. I would I'd be saving so much money if I lived in New York, which is such a crazy thing.

I have friends who live in New York who pay for a parking garage or spot and it's about the cost of rent. Yeah, it's crazy.

What are we doing? That stuff is truly wild. Recently I did the thing that I do every year. Celebrate Christmas? I recently did it. I like to get it all done in the summer, you know? Christmas is July, baby.

Get it out of the way.

Yeah, well, you know, people aren't expecting the gifts. Yeah. But I would get in the mail a document from my home insurance and a car insurance company saying, hey, guess what? We're about to bend you over and absolutely rim you down, daddy. We're going to take everything that we can get. Because, you know, like clockwork insurance is like, Hey Riddle Riddle That make sense? Of course. Of course, you know what we're doing to you. We know what you're doing to you. And it's okay that you leave because you'll be back and we'll get you again. Soran Mandani.

It's so dehumanizing. We don't really own anything anymore, huh?

No.

It's all, it's all.

But for $5 a month, you can still get the new episode.

Well, Erin, we own all of our PS5 games. Do we? And that's not going away, right?

Do we?

No, Erin, we don't.

Something in the news?

Classically, we do not.

When is that going to affect? I feel like, is it PS5 or is it all systems?

It's your PS3 games or something that you own on PS5. They're all getting deprecated.

Oh, I thought PS5 games, because I went to pre-order Wolverine and I thought there was something where it was like,

Yes, they're not they're not selling hardcopy anymore. I think it's all they're moving to all digital. Yeah Yeah, it's fun. It's also fun. Isn't the world fun? But before we get into riddles I actually wanted to talk to you guys about something really fun that has happened that happened to me recently and I wanted to ask you guys because I think it's happened to me once before in my life, but I was so surprised this time. Have you guys ever had pepperfingers?

What are you talking about? Okay, Erin, this feels like a trap.

Let's huddle up. Okay, what is he setting us up for?

Okay, is this going to be like, have you had Pepperfingers? And we go like, is that an appetizer? And he's like, no, Melissa Pepperfingers. Like it's going to be a name or something.

Melissa Pepperfingers. Oh, the one that got away.

He's going to try to get us to say... Pepperfingers.

Melissa Pepperfingers.

All right, what is this?

So it's it's the thing when you're like cutting like a spicy pepper and you get it on your hand, but you Whatever it like once the pepper oil mixes with your like finger oil, it doesn't unmix So like even washing your hand, it doesn't matter. You're still gonna get like a burn on your hand like a chemical burn Ever have sex after doing that?

Me neither. What's up everyone?

From Poblano, the worst case of pepper fingers. And it lasted, I kid you not, like four hours. And I was going online to be like, is this normal? How long does this last? And people were like, sometimes it can last up to two days. And it does this thing where you'll feel fine and you're like, oh, the fingers, they finally stopped burning. And then 20 minutes later, it just comes back like full force. They're like, hey, we found a new pocket of pepper in your fingers. And now it's just back to burning.

I love the idea of like, you're just kind of a low-tier X-Men now. We'll probably never use you, Pepperfingers, but maybe there's like a small task. What's the case where they need me?

We're going to keep you on the bench. We're going to keep you on the bench, Pepperfingers. But I just like, I feel like try not to get your hopes up that you're going to be part of any major battle. It's probably going to be something around the campus that we use you for, Pepperfingers. But like, we care about you. We're happy you're here, obviously, obviously.

Eight years later, they're like, we need a distraction. Can you put in a contact? Your reaction is gonna cause people to run towards you.

We need to have someone lose interest. Can you tell that story about how you got your fingers covered in not even spicy chili pepper?

What's the solution? Do you put your hand in rice or something? What do they tell you to do?

That's the best part. I did like all of the solutions. They were like, soak your finger in vegetable oil. They were like, use Dawn dish soap, like the grease cutting dish soap, not like finger soap. Use that. Finger soap? Hold on someone's ringing my doorbell. I quit the podcast.

We found out where JPC's money's going. He's not only buying hand soap, he's also buying finger soap.

I'm buying finger soap and it's a specific soap for each finger. So it's, I hate, it's like fucking hot dogs and hot dog buns where they sell the index finger soap in a 24 ounce and then they sell the pinky finger soap in a 16 ounce and I'm like, I'm running out of my soap. Actually, those are all divisible by eight. You could probably make that work. But no, there's nothing that you can do. They say, you know, grin and bear it.

What about a sauna? Oh, motherfucker. What about if you go into a sauna and you sweat it out?

I guess since it's a chemical burn, it just keeps burning. What the fuck? Until the chemical reaction goes away, there's not really anything you can do. Yeah, that was what I said for four hours when I was like, hey, this sucks.

And that's marriage.

That's marriage. That makes sense, I guess you are technically injured, so... That's marriage. And we love it. So I'm guessing that besides Erin who fucked a pepper or whatever she said, you guys have never- I did not say that.

I said I made love to a pepper.

What type, Erin?

Um, what's the funniest one to say? We'll go over to my comedy whiteboard. Let's see.

One that was just wearing a sock over his cock. Yeah, I can do that. Pickled pepper. Anthony Kiedis?

Pepper from Iron Man. I could write that down. Pepper Ann.

Would you believe there's a Red Hot Chili Pepper lyric that goes, I know, I know for sure that life is beautiful around the world. Ding ding ding dong ding dong ding dong.

There's no way for me to fact check this. This is a real trust fall for me, okay? I'm gonna believe you, but if I find out that that's not true and I say that at a party, you're toast. You're dead meat, pal. I'm gonna punch you like you're a goose horn. I'm gonna punch you over and over again like you're a goose horn in my car and I'm in traffic.

Don't punch me like I'm a goose horn! Don't punch me like I'm a goose horn!

I'm gonna punch you like you're a goose horn! And pop! And pop! Squonk, squonk, squonk, squonk.

What I got to give it to your mama? What I got to give it to your father?

Red hot chili peppers, maybe.

Give it away, give it away.

Can I have some riddles, please? I'm very hungry. Starving, even.

You've been good, so you can have some riddles. And because you're very hungry, and I love to support my hungry girl, Hey Riddle Riddle.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Adal? JPC? Oh man, I'm here alone. Feeling a little lonely. No need to worry. I can message my therapist on BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy that more than 6 million people have used globally. BetterHelp therapists have at least 3 years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experiences. I like BetterHelp because I like being able to message my counselor anytime and have them get back to me with a timely, thoughtful response when I'm actually feeling that thing. BetterHelp has an average live therapy session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client session reviews. You can check it out yourself at BetterHelp.com slash reviews to see amazing customer reviews in real time. If you're feeling lonely and you miss your Adal and your JPC, don't fret. Check out BetterHelp. See the reviews, see what stands out, and see if BetterHelp is right for you. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. That's BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle.

JPC, did you hear about Erin?

Oh, you know what? I feel like I got a text and I like skimmed it.

Yeah.

Well, you can read it right now. It's kind of a mix up. Hey guys, Erin here. I went to get my hair dyed. Oh, interesting. She spelled it D-I-E-D. And they killed my hair, and so now I'm at my hair's funeral. We'll be here all day. Yikes. Seems like a lie, right? That's gotta be a lie.

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I think the folks at Tempo couldn't be any more pleased with the segue that we delivered for this ad. Much like how Tempo delivers fresh, chef-crafted, dietitian-approved meals right to your door, it's making it easy to eat well and save time on my busiest days, like days where I have got back-to-back hair funerals to go to, you know?

Back hair funerals?

Back-to-back hair funerals. That's when two back hairs get tangled up together and you have to go to one funeral and it's obviously closed. Sure.

Well, something not about back hair, into me talking about some of my favorite delicious tempo meals, like the Picante Mexican Chicken and Rice with corn and guacamole, yum yum yum, also their Hawaiian Pineapple BBQ Meatballs with coconut rice, and Another one of my favorites, and even fun to say, Asiago Alfredo chicken with butternut squash and broccoli orzo.

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Have you talked to fiber rich in a while?

I do, yeah, and it's not been going well for hippies if I report now.

Oh, that's a bummer. For a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Go to Tempomeals.com slash Riddle. That's Tempomeals.com slash Riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash Riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply.

And if you see Erin out in the wild, wish her condolences on the death of her hair. Hey everybody, JPC here, and I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants. I love restauranteuring. I love going out to eat. But a lot of times, because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up. I don't like to put on airs. So I do eat at a lot of restaurants. I'm wearing a potato sack with arm holes cut out and not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack if I remember, but recently I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry, it's hard for me to talk about this. So I went to Quince because Quince is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials, built to last, and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes. Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra-soft organic cotton tees and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile, timeless, and transition seamlessly from casual workday to dinner out. Love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity. I am so excited for fall because I will get to fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks and they are scratchy and uncomfortable and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quince has become my go-to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and travel must-haves. Now, I know I said they have premium cookware. Potato sacks are not cookware. Hey Riddle Riddle Who's old man Riddle Fingers? Is that you? It's me. I'm Riddle Fingers today. So here's your first riddle. Be careful.

Wash your hands after you put riddles on your fingers because the oil stays on for days and days. It's really bad.

Alright, hold on. I'm sending a quick email to Tee Public to see if we can start selling Riddle Oil. And we can't.

Oh no. Why? Because it's not FDA approved?

No, actually Erin, and I don't want to get into it too much, but that's not a problem anymore.

Oh, fantastic.

Kind of open season on that not being a problem anymore. Okay, here's your first riddle. This is a warm-up riddle, and it's a math riddle, and it sucks, so that's why I'm just gonna give it to you.

We're just gonna tear the band-aid off and kind of... There's still time to not do this.

Is there time? No, no time like the present. Michael sent this in. Thank you, Michael, for sending this in. Can you name any five digits of pi in order?

It has to be in order. 3.14 5 Something something 9

3.14... 597. Any five digits.

Any five digits. Oh, well it goes on for infinity, right? So... Yeah, probably 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

The answer is yes, because pi is irrational and infinite. Any five digits can be found within its sequence somewhere. So yes, you can, is the answer to that.

Okay. Fuckin' fuck you, Riddle Fuckin'.

Fuckin' fuck you, fuckin' Riddle Fingers.

I'm not hungry anymore. I'm not hungry anymore.

And now I am hungry for pie. So, great.

I made an infinite pie. It's my family's recipe.

You win. You win. I do want to see it. Erin, you have a pie shop. Adal, you are coming into this pie shop because you want to buy some pie. But of course, Erin, it is the math pie shop, and that is the type of pie that you are selling.

Welcome in to And And And And And Pie. How can I help you today?

Oh, thank you. Where does the name come from?

I don't remember. I inherited the shop from a family member.

Okay. Well, I was looking in the window and I didn't see any baked goods. So I assume it must be sold out. So this must be a great spot. Can I buy a pie, please?

Oh, um, okay, this happens all the time. Mostly because we pump the smell of dessert out into the street, so this does happen all the time. Just dessert? Well, pie, mostly. Just, it's like a sugary smell. It's just like basic sugar smell. We have something a little bit more fun than dessert in here.

Okay, you do have an apron on with sort of like flower

All over my face.

All over your face. That's not flour. Two cooking bits on. Hey, that's not flour. Cooking bits? That's not flour?

Wink, wink.

Coke? Yeah, buddy.

Yeah, buddy.

Oh, um... Hit it!

3.14159265359621554 Wait, do a line of cocaine and this will all make much more sense.

Erin, you said hit it and I panicked.

No, you did it right.

I think in the history of hitting it, I only know one thing to hit. Okay, here's your next riddle. This is a riddle from Katie Haught. Katie says, please share my name. If my last name is Haught, I'd be sharing that all over the place. Haught. Haught. Haught. Katie Haught. It sounds like how people would say Haught in like, what, 2009?

Sounds like someone in Boston is like crushing on a girl. Yeah.

Katie Haught.

Oh my god, Katie Haught.

Haught. Oh, you'd say like, oh, Melissa? Yeah, she's hot. Well, she's not Katie Hot.

Oh, yeah, she's not Katie Hot.

Oh, yeah, big time. Where did the Wright Brothers invent their plane at?

Katie Hot. Katie Hot. All right, well, Adal, that was the answer to the first riddle. Kitty Hawk? No, it was just a very good joke. You just did a very good joke.

I read the Wright Brothers biography.

Guy reads one book, talks about it on every episode that we have.

Did I already tell you how they described them? Just different creative ways to call them gay. They call them woman-shy.

Woman shy. My favorite is when they say confirmed bachelor. I think that old-timey term is like just chef kiss.

All of these were used in Lindsey Graham's obituary, correct?

Her long-term roommate and pen pal, who they shared a bed. A very affectionate friendship.

Abraham Lincoln used to sleep in a bed with his best friend, and they would wrestle nonstop. The sounds of their wrestling would echo through the White House.

Eventually they just say like, homosexual, strikethrough, sapient. Lindsey Graham, noted homo sapient.

You guys, I miss him.

Oh, me too. Oh, I miss him. We're toasting you here, Lindsey.

I liked how corrupt he was.

Goodnight, our sweet peanut. He's with Charlie now.

Lindsey Graham, come back. We miss you.

Is there anything more fun than dancing on the graves of your enemies? I mean, come on. That has to be the number one best feeling in the world.

Cut to me dabbing on Lindsay's grave. I don't wish death upon anyone, but... No.

There are some people whose deaths I'll celebrate. I didn't wish it to happen.

No.

But I'm not going to do a little jig in my step when it does, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's just normal. That's normal behavior, guys. Yelling out and striking hard, with booming voice and deadly blows, fearsomely I bluster onward. The peaceful eye, my fury shows, raging wild and without bindings, what comes down rises after, then rushes dreadful tidings to assail again thereafter.

Water.

Adal said tornado and Erin said water.

Like the water cycle.

You guys together would have an excellent fucking answer.

Hurricane. Storm. Isn't our hurricane just a water tornado? It is!

Yes!

Well, yes!

It is! Great question! Perfect question. The answer that Katie Haught put down is storm and flood. So yeah, you got there. And I think a hurricane is a water tornado.

I'd like to see a scene.

Please.

We'll have Adal, you'll be a hurricane. JPC, you'll be a tornado. And you guys are at like a family reunion for weather systems, kind of just catching up.

I'm a tornado?

Yep.

Okay.

Oh-ho-ho, look who it is! How's it going, my boy? Holy sh... Have you gotten bigger?

I have, yeah. It's the Florida 15. Yeah, my God.

When you hit Florida, you gain 15 pounds, they say. Dude, honestly, the last time I saw you, I was like, category 3. You're at least category 4 now. At least, right? Yeah, 5. Category 5, holy shit. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Oh, man. God, I'm so glad we could do this, you know? I know. Is Typhoon here, or...? No, Typhoon couldn't come because I believe we're not doing this in Asia, I would say? Yeah, Typhoon couldn't make it all the way to Tampa, but, you know? How are you? How's Kansas? Kansas sucks. Still the same. Always been bad. But, you know, yeah. It's flat.

Hello citizens of the Golden Boys here at the Family Reunion. It's good to see you guys. Super powerful. You guys are really good at causing destruction. Everyone's so happy to have you here.

Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Gladys? Gladys, just use this. So much better to do. Gladys, didn't see you there.

You guys are looking at me like you don't remember me.

No, you're family. Give me a hint. You're aunt's Beverly's kid or?

I'm Summer Rain.

Summer Rain.

And yeah, that's not like, I'm like a small thunderstorm and like. You know what, fuck you guys. You're not better than me.

Well, no, we are. Objectively, just objectively.

No, how many horrible deaths am I causing?

That's what I thought. How many times were you on the news last week?

You son of a bitch! I have thunder and lightning, asshole.

Sometimes. You should see a doctor.

You should see a doctor. You have thunder and lightning, asshole? Yeah, but don't you have that?

That's herpes, bitch.

Oh, Adal, that Florida 15 joke is fucking awesome. I hope a weatherman listened to that show and then just went, whoop, when you said that.

Fuck. I was thinking that, and I have no idea what a typhoon is. What is a typhoon?

Boy, oh boy. I know it's in the water.

Welcome back. No, I couldn't have been right. Okay, okay. And then there's also, what's the other one that's a tsunami, right?

Yeah, that's the wave thing. That's from an earthquake. That's not from weather.

There's also a tsunami. And a tsunami is when- When it's a sequel.

Dexter's laboratory and- I know things, okay?

I'm smart. I'm smart.

Oh, yeah? Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

If you're sitting on a stool, you might be on You're Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.

They made them do stools on that show? That sucks. Fuck you, Jeff Foxworthy.

I'm going to read you some questions from Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Are you ready?

Okay. Yeah, please.

What phrase makes up the last four words of the national anthem?

Play ball? Okay, let's play ball?

Play ball, you guys!

According to the classic Mother Goose rhyme, Hey Diddle Diddle, who ran away with the spoon?

Colin Farrell?

Yes.

That's in the adaptation. That's in the gritty adaptation. Hey, speaking of Colin Farrell, two more episodes of Sugar under my belt, and it's sitting pretty right on me.

Did you get to the episode that's focused on him never having eaten a cheeseburger? No, I have not yet. I think I'm only four episodes in. Erin, do you mind if we play, are you stronger than a fifth grader?

Um, yeah, let's bring the 5th graders in. Alright, come on in guys!

I think I'm gonna actually rather fight a 5th grade boy because I feel like girls hit their growth spurts first. And so I think I'd rather get like a shrimpy boy.

That's not a good rationale. That's not good reasoning. I don't like the way you think. I don't like your brain.

You don't like my brain? Last night I finished two episodes of Sugar and Mariah was like, you ready to go to bed? And I said, yeah, I watched two episodes of Sugar. Are you proud of me?

It's going to be so easy to win her away from this. What man who would later be U.S. President represented the British soldiers who were on trial for the Boston Massacre?

This is easy. Thomas Jefferson.

Nope.

You told me a fifth grader knows that?

Get the fuck out of here. I want to say John Adams.

Yes.

And it was him, not Quincy. Quincy probably one year old. Quincy probably not.

Quincy baby.

Quincy Baby.

Quincy Baby. And Erin, you said that you went to the Quincy Baby pageant when you were still living in Hale.

I did. I didn't even place in that competition if you can even imagine it. It was pretty devastating. I wanted that Quincy Baby sash.

Oh, we all do. Quincy baby, so hurry say some slurs tonight. What's the most populated state in the U.S.?

California? California, yes.

Do you say New Jersey?

Who founded the Red Cross?

Trick question, nobody. The Nurse Lady, what's... hold on, hold on, hold on.

The Nurse Lady, coming to CBS this fall.

She's, oh my god, what is her name?

I know, I know, it's on the tip of your tongue.

Goody Proctor.

Goody Proctor. Clara Barton.

I wouldn't have gotten that. And that's a Hawkeye's wife?

Yes. How many bones are in the human body?

One if you're doing it right.

Holy shit. One and then zero, then one and then zero, then one and then zero, and then one and then Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Then awkward silence, then sleep. Okay, it's 206.

I feel like at one point I knew that, but that's knowledge. Okay, so fifth graders are smarter than me.

Good job, Erin, you win! Yeah, you're a medium.

Erin, here's what I want. What? I want this exact game show, I assume this is still going, this game show? Yeah. Who's to say? But I want where it's like, um, both people write it down on a poster board or whatever, or like the Jeopardy screen or whatever, because I want to see a fifth grader answer this correctly.

Hey man, did you write on the Jeopardy screen? This is a $6,000 screen. Go back to your podium. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You don't get to make your own categories. The thing's going to spin around and show the category.

I can't afford to replace that. I'm really sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to say Alex Trebek. Hey, what the fuck category is types of rice?

Well, you know, long grain or jasmine. Those are all Disney princesses also. But, Erin, I feel like... Long grains from Mulan, right? At least... Careful?

I feel like... You careful! You careful! Careful to you! You careful! Katie Haw!

I do think, I don't know if this is an indictment of my educational systems, but I feel like no fifth graders like, oh of course Clara Barton discovered the, you know, founded the- I don't know, I think that because they are, they have heard about it more recently than you.

I think that's the point. I don't think fifth graders are smarter than grown-ups, but their trivia, like they're being inundated by this stuff. Like did you guys ever have to do, this is like a typical fourth or fifth grade project where you pretend to be a historical figure and then like people in your school walk around and you give like a little presentation. So you're like a fifth grader and you're dressed like let's say a random choice Abigail Adams and you're wearing a dress that you wore as a junior bridesmaid and you're like, Hello, Abigail Adams was born in Massachusetts in 17 something and blah blah blah. And so I think Clara Martin would be one of those people. What?

This might be a thing that they only do to people who are from the East Coast where all the historical figures are from.

I know but also someone was like Michelle Kwan in ours. Like you just you gotta kind of pick a big figure and then you do a big project on them and then you talk as them.

I was Nolan Ryan for mine.

I guess yeah looking back I was also Michelle Kwan so it was a different time.

I used to write my husband letters asking him to remember the ladies.

Michelle Kwan you really did that shit?

Okay, go off Michelle Kwan. Give me more riddles.

Yeah, let's do another riddle. Let's do another riddle and then we'll take a little break. So here's a riddle. This is one from Jen. Jen with two N's.

Jen with two N's. Oh my god, I'm going on a date with Jen with two N's later. I'm so excited.

Aw, that's so hot. Jen with two N's? She's Katy hot.

She's Katy hot.

Joe, wearing a mask and carrying an empty sack, leaves his house. An hour later, he returns with a full sack of items that were just in other people's houses. Many people see and acknowledge Joe, but he is not punished, and he faces no consequences for what he did.

Mailman. Santa Claus.

Reverse Santa.

Reverse Santa. The Grinch.

Reverse Santa who steals items. Yeah, I guess that's just the Grinch.

Robin Hood, but for Santa.

Robin Hood, but for the rich.

Have you guys ever had to ask a girlfriend to do a reverse Santa? Maybe it's your birthday or something or like President's Day, you know?

Where you sit on her lap.

Just say no, Erin. Just say no, you haven't done it. Okay, sorry. Sorry, I haven't done it. Save me the fucking embarrassment because it's so embarrassing. No, it's not the Grinch. It's not reverse Santa. These are all Renegade guesses.

Raccoon.

Joe is not a raccoon. I believe Joe is a human. Garbage man. Can this work? Wears a mask. For the smell. Carries an empty sack. Leaves his house. An hour later he returns with a full sack of items. Why is he bringing other people's garbage back to his house?

Shut up, I don't know.

One man's trash, etc.

Yeah, one man's trash and so on.

And so forth.

I do think there are people like this in Chicago that just have trucks with kind of cages on the back, like pickup trucks, and they will go through alleys and pick up scrap metal. So maybe, maybe if I'm being generous, I could say he's one of these scrap metal guys? But no, that is not the case.

Joey's not the father.

Okay. Joe is a child. I'll give you that. That is a very good point. Trick or treat. It's trick or treating. I do want to see this scene.

It's Adal's turn. Erin, you are at home waiting for trick-or-treaters on Halloween night. JPC, you are an adult who is trick-or-treating and you have sort of an unconventional costume on.

Okay.

Someone's knocking on my door. What kind of cute costume is...

I'm, uh, I'm a ghost. I'm the ghost of a man who died in the shower.

Derek.

So I got a towel.

Derek.

And I'm wet.

Derek.

Yes? It's cold, too, because it's October.

You can't come in.

I don't want to come in.

I'm expecting trick-or-treaters. I love Halloween. You said you wouldn't bother me anymore.

Grace, no, Grace, I'm sorry. I am trick-or-treating. I'm trick-or-treating tonight, as I'm trick-or-treating.

Okay, well then take a couple of these candies and go to the next house. You look like you're shivering, you look freezing, but go ahead. I'm so cold. You want it to look hot with a towel, just a towel on.

No. Oh my god, you think this is like a vanity? That's not why I'm doing this.

Your lips are blue.

My kid is sick. And he can't trick-or-treat because he's sick.

We have the same kid. Yeah. And he's with his friends tonight.

He's with his friends tonight and you did check on that?

Yeah. Okay.

You called the parents' house. It's not one of the situations where they're going to be out all night because he's at some other house and it's like a switchy flop?

No, he's trick-or-treating. I saw him a minute ago. He stopped by the house.

Do you want to get back together?

Derek.

Could I come in real quick and have sex with you and blow your mind?

Trick or treat!

Oh, hi! Hold on, hold on. Sorry, this is... I love your costume. Are you a bug? I'm Michelle Kwan. Oh my god. Um, here's your candy, kid.

Who's gonna want you now? Yeah, come in.

Let's have sex. We'll do the reverse Santa. Can I leave now?

Yes! Yes, please! God damn, of course leave! I don't want you to see me fucking balling on Michelle Kwan.

Do you guys get trick-or-treaters at your house?

Oh yeah. I have a very reactive dog, so I leave a candy at the bottom of my steps, and I have a little sign that says, fuck off.

Oh.

And then in parentheses I said, said like the guy from... Succession? Succession.

Pulling his name. Does your kid like to trick or treat? Brian Cox. Brian Cox. JPC?

Yeah, it's very fun. It's very fun to go trick-or-treating. Cute. I don't... I will say that I think that like last year I realized that a lot of people in the neighborhood give things that aren't candy and that kind of blew my mind because I was like, fuck, like, and that's what I'm going to be doing this year because, you know, I don't... What kind of stuff? Like sometimes they'll it'll be like Cheez-Its or something that's like a snack but it's not candy like or Cheez-Its or like popcorn or something like that or like like Honestly, like little plastic shit like those like stretchy guys those look tiny little stretchy guys or little toy cars There was a person that did like a little like notebook with crayon like a little two-pack of crayons and a little notebook shit like that but also stuff that's like not

Like parents will get organized and there's like specific neighborhoods that do get trick-or-treaters and people like drive to those neighborhoods. I also drove by like a trunk-or-treat thing that was organized.

I'm not affiliated with the holiday. I'm not. I'm trunk-or-treat.

It's not the holiday. I just come around back.

Ooh, a smaller car inside my car. You wouldn't be interested in something like that, would you, huh?

And with that, we'll be right back.

Well guys, I gotta go. I'm taking Square Bear, my new best friend, out to a very fancy dinner because I saved a bunch of money using Rocket Money.

Whoa, shea honey?

Uh, uh, French, uh, honey-dry?

Yeah, well, everyone think hard on this.

Oh, the bear!

Yes.

Right? Isn't that what they call the one from the show or whatever? Yeah, that's fun, right? Because it's a bear.

I've loved Rocket Money for so long. It's an app that helps me find and cancel all my unwanted subscriptions. It monitors my spending all in one place. I have loved it forever. It color codes things for me, and it helps me keep track of all of the free trials that I've signed up for and forgot to cancel.

Yeah, you can also set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

And here's a list of the world's best restaurants. Let's see. Can I do bear puns on any of these? One called the Fat Bear. Is that something? The Fat Duck?

You could also use it to do automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it approach. So if you're trying to sign up for a fancy dinner at Le Cordon Bear?

Noma? No Bear. Bearma?

Le Bear-na-din? 11 Madison Bear. Erin, baby, you ready?

Oh yeah, we're gonna head out.

I can afford to treat you like a queen because I've been using Rocket Money.

Ooh la la. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. See you later, guys.

And guys, if you go on a date with a bear, let the bear pay.

Come on, Square Bear. Let's get in your convertible car and go to... We're going to Bear, Alinea. Awesome.

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Yes, exactly. No, all good, all good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcast here on HeadGum. This podcast is brought to you by SquareSpace.

SquareSpace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the internet, or you're like, you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

I like that it's all in one place. I know. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like different stores or something. It's just all on my website.

Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a- do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload the- Yeah, no, it's all in one place. The video, or the audio, or like- No, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

Yeah, so you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and there are custom domains.

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see.

I wonder if it exists. www.friendsmeetingfriends.com That's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

Hey Riddle Riddle

All right, let's see. We have water. Check. I've got the little bucket and little shovel. Check.

Okay, I have a beach towel. Check. And I have a jellyfish pool noodle. Check.

Okay, I think I have all the wrong things. I have a briefcase and a big presentation. But sounds like we're doing a beach day and I was probably supposed to bring sand.

Sorry. Do you have a backup plan at least, Erin?

Well, I brought Sandy.

That'll do. I'd love to see this presentation, Erin.

I'm glad that you asked. Um, let's talk Q3. It's bad.

It's full of Kraft singles that she's unwrapping one by one.

This will make sense in 40 minutes. Just give it a second.

I talked about how for my last two birthdays, I've done PowerPoint parties.

No. Did you do PowerPoints as well, or were you just entertained like a young king?

I couldn't. So for those who've never heard of this before, you invite your friends over to give a PowerPoint presentation on anything they want, but hopefully something that is not part of their normal career. So yeah, I couldn't very well ask people to come do this without doing it myself. So yeah, I let it off. Mine were fine. My friends were amazing. What were yours about? The first year I did something dumb with generating AI pictures back when we all thought it was cute. And then this year I did a whole presentation on dad puns that I had come up with, like other names for things based on my Welcome back. Okay, so there's this pawn shop that you see on the way from Chicago as you drive across to Indiana. On your way east, there's this huge pawn shop that you can see from the highway called Big Pawn. It's huge red letters. And the first time we passed by that, I said to Sarah, you know what would be a better name for that store? Jumbo Shimp.

Did she roll out of the car? She did. She crashed the car.

So being as in jumbo, shimp is like prawn without the R, shrimp without the R.

I got it. And I loved it. I was totally, I was on that train going in the right direction.

Instead of big prawn being changed to big pond, you got jumbo shrimp being pasted. I was like, jumbo the fourth stooge? Right. He's the fifth stooge. Anyway, and then Sarah, my wife, did a whole presentation on very specific romance novel suggestions because she reads a lot of romance novels.

Oh, nice.

So that was really fun. Yeah. Anyway, so what's your presentation about again?

Mine is about Q3, and it's me trying to figure out what that really means.

One of our better Qs. One of our better Qs.

Didn't the guy who did... Who's the marmalade bear? Who's the little marmalade bear? Paddington?

Winnie the Pooh?

Winnie the Pooh, thank you. The guy who voiced Paddington, wasn't he Q in the recent Bonds? Ben Whishaw? Oh, yes. Ben Whishaw. Yeah. He's R, isn't he? Oh, R. Never mind. They move on to R. I believe that's right.

What? No, they don't. Why would they do that? Isn't the whole point of James Bond that he's, like, replaceable? There's been a thousand James Bonds. There can't be, like, multiple Qs?

Huh. I don't know. Look, I'm pissed off again. I'm activated. So N and R are going to tell 007. Right.

007.

Yeah. Point one. We've made lots of progress already.

Oh just one? I've done so much extra work.

Alright, so I've been thinking about getting a tattoo, and I was thinking, well, it's got to be something. I don't have one, and I probably will never get one, but I've thought about it, and I thought, well, it's got to be something puzzly, so what would I do? So for the puzzle today, I came up with a list of possible tattoos that I might get. And the trick is that I'm going to give you a clue for what they are, or a description of what they are. Your answer is two words that rhyme that also rhyme with a part of the body where this tattoo would go. So, for example, if I said, it's going to be a pair of buzzing insects taking an afternoon break, you'd say B-T. B's knees. Well, B on your knees. Exactly. B-T on your knee. B-T on your knee. On your knee. So that's it. All right. And then at the end of this, we can decide which one I should get. Gotcha. Each of us, I assume, will get one of these.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I'll do it. I unfortunately already have knee bees, but they're internal.

Oh no.

Internal tattoos?

The doctor said it was one of the deepest stings he's ever seen. Fucker went clean through. I think he was going about a thousand miles an hour when he hit my knee.

NJPC, you are leaking funny honey.

What's

I'm wearing my pajamas.

Puppy is to dog as foal is to... Huh? Erin, wake up.

Oh my God. Empty?

Erin, wake up. You're in community college.

Oh God, here we go.

I thought that sentence was going to end at community. She was on the show community.

I bought community college.

Erin, wake up. You're Alison Brie.

Oh, fantastic. Okay. Well, this is way better.

Having a nightmare and saying, oh, fantastic.

Alright, so number one. It's a tattoo of a cruise liner packed wall-to-wall with salsas. Or I guess keel-to-keel.

Yeah, keel-to-keel. Thank you. Our ship people are really looking at you.

There you go. It's a ship dip on your hip or a dip ship on your hip.

What about your hip dip? What about it? Well, we could just add that word, too, and I feel like it would be an even longer, funnier sort of sentence.

Definitely.

Ship dip on your hip dip.

Trip dip flip fantango.

Zest, vest, zest on your chest.

A vest being zest on your chest. That one's in the running right now.

For yours.

How about, I thought you said, I heard grated like A, B, C, D, E. That would be test, yeah.

Oh, grated would be test.

But you said grated, yes it is. I just said grated, yeah, but I slurred it because I don't speak good. I don't hear good. A piggy wrapped up in vegetation. Today's episode of Riddle

I love it.

Yeah. The only thing that I worry about is if I was, if I went to a group of people, casual group of, you know, friends or, or maybe just- With your shirt off? No, just say I'm fully clothed and people are talking about tattoos and I say, do you want to see my swine vine? I think that people might think that that means something else.

And you're like, no, no, no, let me undress to explain. Unlike when I say, do you want to see my hog log?

All right, how about this one? I love the bric-a-brac you could get from hoggy-loggy. Ouch.

There's certainly no opportunity for misinterpretation on this one. They're all republicans. Oh my God. Repub-bacons? Repub-bacons. Repub-bacons. Repub-la-bacons.

That sounds like some conservative has like a book that's, you know, Repub-bacons and Dema-cramps.

Don't worry, Erin. You're going to wake up soon. This is all a bad dream for everyone.

Dema-eggs. Repub-bacon. Repub-bacon and Dema. Dema. Dema-pple-sauce. Dip-apple-sausage. Dip-apple-sausage. I'm done. I'm done on dip-apple-sausage.

How do you like them? How do you like them?

Dinocrats!

Dinocrats! Republicans and Dinocrats, and it's a Heartland Guide to... To breakfast in politics.

Do you like Dinocrats? How do you like them Dinocrats?

Oh no, this is not... this is hard. This is hard for my brain.

Between the three of us, I think we have one bad consultant that is available for hire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this is what their presentation is going to be about. Yeah. How about this one? A tattoo of dessert for zombies. Brain. Flan. Okay. It's not the brain. That would be good. But it's hard to tattoo the brain. Flush. Flush. Skin.

Cake. Pie.

Pie. Pie on your... Eye. I would actually- Thigh?

Thigh. Die? Die pie on your thigh?

On your thigh, a pie of eyes. Meaning a zombie might eat a pie of eyes, but it would go on your thigh.

Got it.

Got it, got it, got it. I guess a zombie could eat anything.

Yeah. I mean, famously brains, right? Isn't that what zombies- Famously brains.

That's what I like dogs. They prefer brains, but they'll eat whatever.

To get the brains, they have to go through the eyes though. That's the most direct route to the brain.

Yeah. Egyptians knew that, yeah. I should have just said a cannibal. All right, edit it. Edit for the next time I talk about this. Edit. How about me, a picture of me skewering some, or anyone, skewering some seafood? A skewer of some seafood.

Uh, kebab? Uh, pierce? Skewering? Uh, stab? Flab?

Crab.

Stab crab on your... But it's not just one crab.

Stab crab's abs on your abs.

On your abs. Well, I said flab and for me it's the same difference, so it all works out. Yeah, JPC the fattest man I know. I didn't say fat, I said flabby. You could be thin and flabby. You're so tiny.

Also, you're so smelt. And crabby. How about a pint of ale in an unusually round vessel?

Beer?

Sphere beer on your ear? On your ear. That'd be hard. Sphere beer on your ear, yeah. That'd be really hard.

Not if you've got flabby ears like me. Don't, don't, don't say it.

Don't talk about my friend like that. Don't say it. No, come on, no, stop, no, no, no. We've been doing that all week.

No, no, no. Stop using Ozempic on your ears, please. Earzimbic. Okay.

No, that's nothing. Stop writing it down.

All right, this one I think you're going to want to get. This is going to be in the running for opportunities. Toy dog eating souvlaki.

Poodle, noodle, on your titties.

On your titties. So it's on your noodle.

No, it's not a poodle. Poodles can be toy, but this one is canonically toy.

Shih Tzu.

I don't think they come bigger. Pomeranian. Dachshund. It's not a Pomeranian. It's not a Pomeranian. Chihuahua on your hoo-ha. It's actually kind of a nickname for... Can you get the same tattoo twice? Legally, no. Do you have a chihuahua on your hoo-ha?

What are you talking about? Yes, obviously. Terrier on your derriere.

Oh, derriere. God damn it. All right.

Is that not it?

Erin now has my job.

Much like Adam Driver, Sandy just threw a chair near Erin.

A scarier terrier on your derriere.

And then we're done. And then we're done. This is a shorthand for a small, poofy

What's the dog? Rhymes with Greek. It's a shorthand for this kind of dog. Well, where is it going to go on your body then?

Peak.

Peak. On your widow's peak. What's a peak? Oh, a Pekinese. Pekinese.

A Pekinese. Fuck me. It says the peak.

You've heard of Pekinese, right? I've heard of Pekinese. I don't think I've ever heard of them shortened to a peak. I'm not in the Pekinese community.

A lot of dog parks more often.

I don't feel ownership of that. And you have a dog, right?

Yeah, I have a dog. I don't have...

Go ask your dog about peaks. They know.

She's not talking to me right now. The air quality's bad. I can't take her on walks. She's pretty pissed off at me.

So a Greek peak on your cheek. I think that would look great.

Also, I have a dog. I don't have... Small dogs to me, it's like a completely separate world. I can't interact in that world.

Right.

I'm with you. I feel like I have a small dog and my dog's 50 pounds.

Really? Mine's only 40 pounds. That's not a small dog. 50 pounds. It's like half a human.

Yeah, it's like half a human. It's bigger than some of the humans in my house. I'll say that. Exactly.

One of my great joys in life is watching the, was it the Westminster Kennel Dog Show or whatever around Thanksgiving? And I love whenever they do the names where it's like dogs I couldn't come up with in my wildest dreams where they're like, The Portuguese Pequeno Picanho.

You're like, that did not exist yesterday. I can't prove it.

They just made this up, but I would die for this stuff. Also, you talk about the breed name, but also their name names are like, they have all the lineage of their ancestry in their name. It's like 17 names long. Yeah. They're like, this is Little Swan, named after Proust. And it's always like, what the fuck? And then the next one is like, this is Max, named after Tom Hardy.

I like it when they jump through those little hoops and then one of the dogs inevitably doesn't clear the hoop and the guy with the long gun comes out and he, and then the camera kind of pans to the audience reaction and you have, you know, people spilling their tea and going, oh.

I like that part too.

I guarantee you one of those guys has a tattoo of a beak on his cheek.

Of course.

Yeah. How about a coffee urn, a tattoo of a coffee urn that's 50% full? Hmm. A carafe? Mm-hmm. Half a carafe on your calf. At this point, we've got our entire leg covered. We got calf, thigh, got sleeves and thigh highs? What would you call sleeves on your legs? Oh, sleeves on your pants? Stockings? Pants. I got pants.

Sleeves on your legs. I mean, that's pants, right? Am I crazy?

Well, we don't call sleeves shirts.

That's a good point. That is a good point.

How about someone kissing a computer? What's another word for a nerd?

PC.

Oh, smooch? Not smooch. On your cooch? Not smooch. Oh, that's good. A peck. God damn it. Oh, a peck. A peck is on your neck. A peck on your neck. A peck on your neck. A peck on your neck. A peck on your neck. Which is what Steve Jobs gave me. Yeah, probably. Someone has that, right?

Oh, yeah.

Man.

At that Google campus when they don't let them go home and there's sleep pods everywhere. You know, there's tons of tech pecks going on.

Come on. That's awesome.

How about a tattoo of Dale lashing his friend? A whip chip on your hip again? We already did hips. On your nip. Oh, that's good. I was thinking lip.

I think you should get that tattoo.

A lip tattoo is fun because you can hide it. As long as it's an inner lip tattoo, I guess.

You got to hide it, but then you're obliged to show it to everyone, and then you're constantly peeling your lip over. Yeah. Erin, would you do me a huge favor? Would you Google image search Chippendale BDSM?

Yep.

And just let me know what you think. She's gonna find one.

I can hear a helicopter landing on my roof. They're here to congratulate me. Oh, porn came up right away. Porn came up right away. It's the only thing. I thought there would maybe be a couple things that weren't before porn. Oh no, on my desktop, on my- Some mild non-BDSM porn.

I guess also, how did you spell Chippendale?

I'm

Yes, but there's also Chip and Dale's, which is like... No, I know that. This is based on Chip and Dale, the chipmunks. These are all coded as women chipmunks.

I wonder why mostly men who draw that stuff would... Yes, I'm writing an angry letter.

Oh, here we go. I found the one with Chip. There we go. Great. Oh, good. I'm glad I have this in my brain now.

I'm going to Google brain shower. Lobotomies, cheap or free Los Angeles.

Just make sure you put BDSM at the end. Brain Shower BDSM. Alright, a couple more. My parent chaperoning high school dance. My parent chaperoning high school dance.

Um, okay. Uh, dad. Mom or dad?

Mom prom on your...arm.

Mom prom on your...mom. Mom prom on your thumb? Palm. Mom prom on your palm. Mom prom on your palm. Yeah. That's crazy because a couple of us are. We didn't really get it.

On your thumb.

I'm And he said Mona twice before I realized he was talking about the film Moana and he had never, I guess he was not aware of the film Moana and had never heard it or like he had just like kind of seen it spelled and took it a guess and I was like, Mona is a wild swing for Moana.

Did you watch Drowning Moana? Drowning Moana, but thought it was... I was in Europe earlier this summer and we saw a movie in a French movie theater. We saw a movie in a theater and it was in English with subtitles. The preview, however, was for the live-action Moana that's coming out. Sure. Sure. There's no Moana. Interesting.

Do we all do it for like the cultures that we've colonized? So is it like a different island group for France? Because they didn't quite make it that far when they were doing their colonization missions?

Oh, because it's a story about... It's a story about the Polynesian culture, I think.

But I don't know if in France, they like code it differently to like make it susceptible to it.

Moana starring Les Boulders. It's just wild to me that they would change the name. I guess if they're dubbing, they can do whatever they want, but they would change a name that is used probably hundreds of times in the script. Yeah, I thought names were transferable. It's not the word, but I thought it was just like, your name is your name. It doesn't really translate to others.

It's always kind of interesting to me when an animated film like that comes out in a bunch of different, you know, nations.

But it's not animated, right? It's live action.

Yes, you're right. Moana is live action. I guess it's it could be the same thing with, I guess it's different for like dubbing, but they get like different celebrities. Like there's a Japanese celebrity who's doing the voices for, you know, the I'm

I did a couple voices for a Pixar show called Win or Lose. And when we were in Denmark teaching classes, a guy who I'd been with all week, he was like doing the workshops. We were talking about like animated work and voiceover work. And he started saying like kind of hinting at details. He was like, well, yeah, I'll do like the Danish of a lot of American comedies, like I'll get cast in these things. And it was like right after I had found out I had gotten it and no one knew. And I was like, he started hinting at it. I was like, are you doing something for like, is that a Pixar show? And he's like, how do you know that? I'm not supposed to tell anybody. And I was like, whoa, we are doing so I was like, I wonder if like, that's so crazy.

You are very good at puzzles.

It was so I was like, what are the chances to run into someone who also knows about this top secret thing? It was so cool.

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but in one of my summer intensive classes years ago, I had, I think she was Polish. There's a Polish woman in my class who said she did voiceover work. And after the week was done, I was like, you never told me what, what like voiceover work do you do? And she goes, Oh, it's mostly video games. And I said, anything I know. And she goes, I play all the women in The Witcher 3. And at the time I was like, Oh, very good. Because I didn't know the game. And then through you, I learned, I'm like, oh, that's one of the biggest games of all time.

Didn't she also do mocap for it, too? Or is it just voices? I believe so, yeah. Okay. Well, Sandy, we went down memory lane and we ran out of time for your fucking game or whatever.

So, uh, do you have- They're only going to be half covered in tattoos now. The rest of them are going to go undone.

We'll have to at a later date, we'll have to get you further tatted up. But in the meantime, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

Yeah, I want to plug Rattle, which I plugged every time I've been on the show for the last year and a half, but I'm still plugging away at it. It is recently passed 500 rattles in a row, 500 days making rattles. Thank you. As of this recording, And Rattle is my daily word game. So if you like word games and you are bored with the stuff that you see on the New York Times and LinkedIn, go to rattle.quest, R-A-D-D-L-E, or just Google it. It's like an anagram of the word ladder. It is a word ladder transformation game, but it's really fun. Still making that every day, and I'm still making team-building games under the name Mystery League. M-Y-S-T-E-R-Y-L-E-A-G-U-E.

Sweet.

I was like, he, certainly he must finish it. He must finish the G-U-E. You gotta put a little sauce on it. You gotta give it a little tension. What if you got a ladder on your bladder? Erin, one other word that rhymes. Bibbysatter.

Bibbysatter. Thank you. Run, run.

Oh, Erin, why all the cheese? Why all the cheese?

I don't know. Oh, OK. Adal, anything to plug, promote, anything you want to chat about? How are you? You OK? What's going on?

Do it okay. Let's see. I was recently on the Improv is Dead podcast with Tim Lyons. It was myself and Matt Young. So that was a very good time. Also check out Hello from the Magic Tavern with myself, Matt Young, and Arnie Niekamp. We were back for a new season that's, I think, out now. Erin, do you have anything to plug or promote? How are you doing? What's going on?

Um, everything is pretty good. I also a couple months ago was on Improv Is Dead. Love those guys. Check them out. Um, I have a show called Quality Time that is here in Los Angeles. It's a monthly show that I'm really proud of. It's a variety show. It's really, really fun. And so check that out. Follow us on Instagram if you're interested in that. GPC anything to plug or promote.

The only thing I want to plug is our buddy Casey, who is the engineer for this podcast. He does great sound effects like this. Casey, knock yourself out. Have fun with that. You know, that's just a fun little plug for you. He's got a podcast called Gutter. If you haven't listened to it, you should definitely check it out. It is expertly sound designed. It is very funny. So yeah, go give Gutter a listen. You can find it anywhere that you find podcasts. Erin, I know something that you like to eat out of gutters.

Come on, man. Come on, man. I'm relatively nice to you.

I couldn't be more sorry.

Hot dog! Adel, please. No one can even look me in the eye anymore.

Relatively nice to you is a fun way to say that. And John Patrick Coan.

Casey Toney to the editing. Mallory Perrins in the music.

Hey there, cars and rabbits. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of This Day in Improv History. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.