Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to Progressive.com, answer some questions, and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit Progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Okay, I just have to ask you a couple of questions before you... Oh, we're not a couple. Oh, don't worry. That's not one of the questions. You can be whatever you want to be. Oh, okay, great.

We're not a couple. Wait, whatever we want to be?

Um, if you're going to donate blood to the Hey Riddle Riddle thing... If you're going to donate blood... You can't be drunk if you're going to donate blood.

Mmm, wrong.

Okay, it's not like something that I'm trying to shout. Like, it can't be done. I'm just saying it shan't be. Don't drink that blood! That's someone's blood! Just donated that blood! This is blood?

Oh, awesome. Chug blood. Chug blood. Well, I already did it. Oh. What if I donate blood while taking a shower? That'll be fine. Um... Because the shower will make me not- undrunk. Can you get the blood from anywhere?

No, you have to- we're gonna take the blood out of your body.

Oh, it's gonna be coming from out of my body, but do I get to pick where you get it from?

We don't take penis blood.

We don't take penis blood.

Okay, that's like you're making like a fussy. Come on, don't have a tantrum.

You don't have to take it, but if you don't take it, I leave it on the floor in the lobby.

Okay, then just leave it on the floor. You think that you're the first weirdos I've had to hear today at the Hey Riddle Riddle blood drive? Yeah, right. Get real. What is your blood type?

We want to help. We want to be here and we want to help. Ooh, blonde. Oh my god.

Blonde.

Massive knockers.

Massive knockers.

Yeah. Um, hates me.

Massive.

Huh?

Hey, what am I?

My ideal blip type.

Hates me. And have you done any drugs in the last 30 days?

Define days. We're done with drugs for the last 30 days.

So you're not done with drugs.

Earth days.

Take me to your leader. Take me to your cocaine.

Okay, so you've done drugs in the past.

We did cocaine, yeah. We did cocaine in the parking lot. Made our penises bleed. So that's why we're holding them like we are holding them.

Alright, I was wondering why you're holding these. You answered that question.

Ask us how we did the cocaine. Not through our nose.

On the penis cocaine. Butt snort. Oh, butt snort. Sorry. We did butt snorts. Butt snort.

Which is awesome because you also get a squat in.

I can't even believe it, but your blood does qualify to donate to Hey Riddle Riddle. We'll take basically any kind of blood.

That's our tagline.

Our resident vampire, JPC, is going to take the blood out. He's all filled up on penis blood. That's why we are not accepting any today. Oh, he's actually feeling like maybe a second stomach for the penis blood?

Is this him? Tommy too much. Oh, he doesn't really have a casket. He came out of a U-Haul box?

Yeah. That's all we can afford.

It's a wardrobe box, though. Pretty big box.

Come with the little metal hanger thing. Are you too full or do you want some penis blood?

I could eat.

Adal?

Frank and Adal brains. Penis brains? Penis brains. Okay, yeah, gentlemen, get in line.

Have fun, be safe, and whatever you do, don't fall in love.

Penis breath, that's what he calls him in E.T.

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. No one says that.

Wait, we forgot to introduce our third. Where, Erin? Where in Keif? Where Erin? Oh, she's sick.

Oh, Chewbacca's ghost!

She's sick. Oh, she's sick.

She turns into a werewolf on a full stomach.

Oh, I do, though. I really do. Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. We are in person. It is way better to be in person recording. It's awesome. I'm still so tired from earlier where we ate. A little peek behind the curtain. We recorded the breakfast review crew earlier today, and I'm exhausted.

You gotta go to the review crew tier on the Patreon if you want to get the behind the scenes on why Erin feels bad right now.

I do think this is the thickest my blood has ever felt.

In a while at least. I feel like my blood is standing still. Does that make sense? No worries if not, but like if you could like just sort of like- You got a green, you got a green buddy. Honk honk. Even if you like walk through me, like you don't even have to run. But like if you just, I just need a little bit of blood.

So normally an EKG is not pass fail, but you technically pass on this.

Oh man.

Technically your blood is auditing. It's not enrolled in your body.

It's kind of phoning it in.

It's phoning it in. It will get credit, but it's a transfer credit. Oh no. Oh no. Basically, your blood is kind of what like community college is to college.

I bet I could get a hematologist to quit medicine if they looked at my blood right now. I bet they would look at the state of my blood and all of its glory and go, no, I actually, I should have been an artist.

They make the sign like a blackjack dealer when they change.

Yeah, that's so funny.

So normally your blood, when we look at it under a microscope, we see platelets. What we see today is full platelets. And spinning platelets. It looks like all your platelets are already full. It looks like someone went to the buffet too many times.

Instead of white blood cells, you have white sugar blood. And then instead of red blood cells, you have red velvet cake blood.

You have hemogoblin.

You have jello negative.

What else do we know about blood?

Negative, negative. Do you guys remember, we opened with sort of a universal monster lay on. Do you guys remember when Pizza Hut went full universal monsters? And the commercials had like Dracula and you could get little holograms like with your pizza you got like a little Dracula hologram or a little werewolf hologram. No. That to me is peak Pizza Hut. That's when the red glasses. Do you remember those, Kizzy?

Were they like little like cards when you say holograms?

Yes.

Like they would. Vaguely maybe this is the 90s? I mean, yeah.

I remember, I remember dining in Pizza Hut having those like red marbled glasses.

Oh, the best.

But I don't, I don't, I don't remember. I don't remember that. I remember, man, the stuff that they used to give you. I got a copy, a VHS copy, or maybe it was a DVD copy of Weekend at Bernie's 2 once with a pizza delivery.

Yes.

They used to give you movies with pizza like it was like a dinner and a feature thing.

Our very first DVD ever. We got Oh Brother Where Art Thou with a new DVD player because we got it from Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut gave you a brother, where art thou? Where are they? Hell yeah, Pizza Hut! They're like, we actually care about the art of cinema.

We'll give you episodes 4, 5, and 6 of Band of Brothers.

I'm like, what? You guys have to watch it. We're dying to talk to you about it.

Oh my god. Here's your Book It personal pan pizza in Caligula, remastered.

Just a guy at Pizza Hut who's desperate to talk about movies. He'll be like, I'll loan you any movie you want. Order a pizza. I'll bring it to your house with one of my movies. Order a pizza next week and you can change it out.

That was not national, it was just your local pizza hut. I was like, this town has the worst-tasted movies.

I can't keep watching Jerry Bruckheimer. I totally forgot they used to give away DVDs with movies.

But everything, everybody, like fast food toys used to be better too. There was a certain degree of like, Welcome to

But that's more like value versus sentimental value.

Yeah, those are the 80-20 businesses where 20% of your consumers spend 80% of, or make up for 80% of your profits. Like collectors, baseball card collectors, anything that can be collectible. It appeals to a small subset of freaks who are trying to collect it.

Or whatever. Or whatever.

Or whatever. Or whatever. And how long have you worked here?

Great. Do you guys have any, either still have it like at your parents home or something, or remember like a fast food meal toy that like really like rocked your world or that you were really attached to?

You know, we had so many like small figurines between like Legos and all of that stuff. Like we had the Fisher-Price Little, like those people.

Oh yeah.

And it got mixed in with McDonald's toys that sometimes I think I feel like we talked about this like three years ago on an episode where we were going through old McDonald's toys. And I was like, oh, we had that. I just think my little kid brain did not realize that they were from meals. Some of them were like passed down from cousins and stuff. So I was just playing with McDonald's toys constantly and had no idea. I think we had Transformer ones that looked like chicken nuggets.

One of my favorites.

Which is my dream is people look like little boxes of chicken nuggets in Transformer.

One looks like a milkshake. Yeah, those are so cool. My top two are those and then one of my favorite things I've ever owned up until I guess adulthood was a Kermit on a skateboard because they had little Muppets at one point maybe late 80s early 90s but it's like Kermit on like a red skateboard and I remember just like running around the house being like every windowsill every stair banister Kermit is going to be grinding that yeah I also I really wanted the mini beanie babies but I don't think we got our hands on those

When Bionicles were huge, do you remember Bionicles? There was like a period, oh dude, they, oh god.

Kyle XY?

No, yes. Kyle XY.

We're about to give you another Kyle XY that you can just dump out of your brain.

But I don't know if it was McDonald's, it may have been.

They're like Legos, but they're kind of like Transformers. They're like this tall.

They were this tall and they had like swords and masks.

And they don't have a belly button and they're from another planet and they're an AC family. This is KyleXY.

But there was a period where McDonald's or some fast food place was giving away like these little tiny, they like worked it into the lore of the Bionicles that they were just little tiny ones, but the little tiny ones were still made of the same Lego-like pieces. So you could take like their masks and like combine it with your own pieces and stuff. It was awesome.

Um my dad saved like everything from when like I told you my dad's a hoarder but recently when I if I've been going back down in Indianapolis.

You said your dad was Hodor.

What did I say?

You said your dad was a whore.

And then you said, duh, wrong.

And then you said, duh, wrong. But he saved a lot of stuff and recently went back to town. He brought up a bunch of books, like those little I can read books, like early reading books. And my kid found The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which it was like an old version of The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Hey Riddle Riddle And I know. Like one. Maybe we're gonna shuffle these off to the side. But then I started reading some other ones, and I was like, there's one, and it's perfectly mundane, but it's about this badger, or maybe it's a beaver, and a bear who are neighbors. And they're constantly bickering and not getting along. But the way that the beaver and the bear talk to each other is like, How real neighbors that are upset with each other would talk to each other, and you're like, this isn't the sanitized thing that I think would be found in a kid's book.

I do need to see this soon.

And then at one point, they're telling this. There's one of the three stories in this book. There's an interchange between them where they're reading a story in the book, but the story is missing a page, so they don't know how it ended, how the story ended. And it's like this character is skiing, and he skis off a cliff. Hey Riddle Riddle how toys are made, but that would not be in the reprinting. And then there's some of the books that I'm like, this is boring. Like, who bothered to put this in a book?

Nobody's skiing off a cliff. I need action, baby. I do want to see a scene. We'll say, JPC, you're a beaver. Erin, you're a bear. And you're both kind of shitty neighbors to one another, but you're complex. So there's, yeah, you're trying to be good.

Hey neighbor. Um, just quick question. I know you're getting your car. You're probably going somewhere. Oh yeah.

I'm definitely going somewhere. That's why people get in cars.

Right. Or you could be getting something from your car and bringing it back in your house.

I'm not. I'm getting in my car to leave, Ted. I'm getting to the driver's seat of the car.

What did you need? Well, um, I've noticed that when you're eating trees, um, that they're tipping over and they're landing... I don't like eating trees.

Do you think I eat trees, Dad?

Well, you're biting at the trees and then they fall over and they're landing in my yard.

I'm sharpening my teeth on the trees.

You think I... Aren't you like making... I'm sorry, I don't get what you're... I'm sorry? I just, I was raised different. I, I, it's just... Well, how were you raised?

That you didn't care about other people's lives?

No, I care. I'm just saying your trees have broken my fence twice. You bite the bottom part.

I bite the bottom part and sometimes the tree falls down. Yes.

It smashed a window on my house. It scared my cub.

A tree smashed a window? Yeah. A tree smashed a window on your house.

Okay, it made a crack on the window.

It made a crack on the window, yeah.

That's the same thing. You gotta replace the glass either way. Okay.

You know what? I'm in the middle of something right now. If you let me know how much the glass replacement was, I'm happy to pay for it.

But you know what?

Maybe you could write me a check for the entire fucking dam that I built last weekend.

Don't swear in front of my kids, man. Where are your fucking kids? They're right here. They're right behind me. Oh my god.

That is the most unobtrusive bear I've ever seen in my entire life. That's a bear?

He's a baby bear. He's a cub.

Okay. Well, whatever. I don't know your whole terminology for whatever you guys are. But that dam... I've seen you fishing. I've seen you grabbing fish out of that lake that's there now. There wasn't a lake there before.

Yeah, so? Is it your business? Your wife, yeah, is doing a lot of business out in that dam. You should check on that. You think you got a problem with me? You got a problem in your own home. You have a problem with your wife in that dam.

You know what? You're about to have a problem in your... Earmuffs kid. You're about to have a problem in your home with your wife.

Oh yeah?

Oh yeah.

My dead wife and I are about to have a problem.

Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that your wife had a taste for beaver and it was reciprocal.

What are you talking about? He was bisexual. He was bisexual. She had a taste for beaver, so... Taste for beaver, taste for beaver. Oh my God. I said earmuffs. Kid don't fucking listen. Oh my God.

You know what? I don't come to where you work and knock the honey off of your dick. I don't know why you're in the business of being whatever... I'm a Coca-Cola bear, not a honey bear. You're a polar bear? Bullshit. That's white face.

That's you doing white face. What's that rhyme about bears? You're doing makeup? What's that thing that they say, um, if it's white, say goodnight. Goodnight, bitch. Bam. Bam. Dodge, dodge.

Climbs up a tree. Climbs up a tree. Fuck you.

Come and get me. I can climb up a tree. I'm a black bear.

You're a black bear.

I'm a black belt. I'm a white bear.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm a black belt. I'm a white bear. Like, memento. Like, I'm a black belt, white bear.

And my last name is Brown. Okay.

Yeah. Chicks are riding on their paw. Okay, hold on. Black bear, white belt, brown fuck. If it's brown, lay down. Okay, wait, wait. Hey Riddle Riddle.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Aw! Square Bear, what seems to be the problem? Well I tried to go in this cave over here but it's like round and then I tried to put my paw in this beehive but it's round and I just feel like I can't.

Square Bear, you need a Squarespace. Oh? I'm gonna make a website to explain it to you on Squarespace.

Yeah, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, Squarebear. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place, Squarebear.

And Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall, perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. Oh, Square Bear, you're so cute.

Oh, thank you. Please don't touch me. Also, Square Bear could also provide donations. You can fundraise directly onto your website and grow your impact with built-in donation tools. Because I don't have a laptop. Uh, tools?

Square Bear, do you have thumbs? Can you use tools? Yeah, I have thumbs. What are you talking about? Okay. I have your thumbs. Yoink! Oh, my thumbs! Well, you can use those to create a professional on-brand website that makes it easy to accept one-time or recurring contributions and engage supporters. With built-in email campaigns and marketing tools, you can connect with your community and inspire more people to support your cause.

Head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Square bear, can I get my thumbs back? No. Those are yours. You keep them. I'm going to eat you both.

Square bear.

I'd also wash those.

Hi, I'm Nicole Beyer, host of Why Won't You Date Me here on HeadGum. On my show, I talk a lot about love and dating, but one important thing that doesn't get talked about enough is our sexual health. That's why I'm so excited to partner with Care for the Culture, sponsored by Gilead Sciences. Care for the Culture is an amazing movement focused on helping normalize conversations around HIV prevention in Black communities. And we're doing this without shame, fear, or judgment, because knowing your HIV prevention options, getting tested, and having honest conversations with your partners shouldn't feel awkward. It should feel empowering. Care for the culture is all about keeping it real, taking care of yourself and your people, and making sexual health a normal part of everyday conversation. Whether you're actively dating in these streets, in a relationship, or somewhere in between, having information and support matters. You can go on their site and find tips on breaking the ice and getting the conversation started. We are building a whole new generation of daters with no shame and no stigma. So go get informed. Learn more about HIV prevention, testing, and how to start the conversation at carefortheculture.com and speak with your healthcare provider.

Hey everybody, JPC here, and I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants. I love restauranteuring. I love going out to eat. But a lot of times, because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up. I don't like to put on airs. So I do eat at a lot of restaurants. wearing a potato sack with arm holes cut out and not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack if I remember, but recently I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry. It's hard for me to talk about this. So I went to Quince because Quince is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials, built to last, and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes. Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra-soft organic cotton tees and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile, timeless, and transition seamlessly from casual workday to dinner out. I Love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity. I am so excited for fall because I will get to fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks and they are scratchy and uncomfortable and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quincy's priced 50-80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quincy's has become my go-to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and travel must-haves. Now I know I said they have premium cookware. Potato sacks are not cookware. Hey Riddle Riddle

Well, let's wait no longer and let's do some riddles. Great. I love to wait no longer.

Adal's reading riddles off of a clipboard for, I think, maybe the first time in the show's history. I'm interested to see how it feels. I feel a little bit like I'm checking into a camp activity.

Erin Keif.

K-E-I-F as in Frank.

Okay. It looks like you are signed up for make your own hula hoop.

I'm going to make mine square.

I feel like I'm at a doctor's office and I'm looking at a list of diseases and they're like, does anyone in your family have this? And I'm like, Oh my God, I guess I should have asked one question to anyone in my family. I'm just like, I'm like, you can't mark zero. So you have to have, you have to mark a couple of them and you get in there. They're like, so you think you have cervical cancer? And I'm like, Oh man, I picked the wrong one.

Here's our first riddle. I'm a form of shade, but I make things bright.

What am I? A really well-timed insult.

Is it Max Landis? Max Landis did famously make bright, which he said was going to be his Lord of the Rings. His Star Wars, I believe.

His Lord of the Rings hasn't been made yet. That's later in his career. Casey, can you look at the Max Landis tweet about it? Because he was like, If this is as good as I wrote it, it's gonna be my star.

So it's someone else's fault.

But he made it also.

He directed it, right? Did he direct it? I thought he just wrote it.

No, it was directed by the dude who did Suicide. David Ayer. David Ayer, yeah. I'm pretty sure. A terrible director for the most part. David Ayer. What an apt name.

God, I love that.

I fucking love... A neon-colored umbrella.

Now, that's Blade Runner, Erin. Yeah, that is Blade Runner. Can you say their... I'm a form of shade, but I make things bright. What am I? Erin, you're not terribly far off.

I've come to slowly realize that Bright, my new script, if made well, could potentially be my Star Wars. And it feels crazy.

That's crazy. That's a crazy thing to say. I can write anything and say publicly, if made well, this will be my Casablanca.

This tray of muffins has the potential to be the new Pirates of the Caribbean.

If after 30 minutes at 375, these could be my Star Wars of muffins.

These could be my Star Wars. These could be my Star Wars. I'm going to say that before I do anything, any output in my life. Burp, fart, scream.

We're about to have sex.

If I do this well, this could be my Star Wars. If this goes well and you don't fall asleep, this could be my Star Wars.

Sex with me is like Star Wars. Let's do that for a little bit. Sex with me is like Star Wars.

Huh, oh god, I'm gonna use my hand solo Sex with me is like Star Wars If it's all force it's bad if there's I'm just gonna lay out there

Sex with me is like Star Wars. I will... I like porgs. And if you're into that too, then I'll try whatever. What else?

Sex with me is like Star Wars. I know. I know.

Sex with me is like Star Wars. I love you.

I do think that I am going to start, I really want to start working into my lexicon. If this is made well, this, like my wife cooking dinner and I just walk in and like taste it a bit like, Mariah, I don't want to be hyperbolic here, but if you make this dinner well, this could be your Star Wars.

If this episode goes well, guys, it could be our Star Wars.

You go eat at a nice restaurant and they're like, can you tell the chef this is their Star Wars? And they're like, I'm not going to relay that to the chef.

It's better because it's as you put your order, and be like, I'll have the chicken fried steak.

And can you tell the chef that if they cook it well, this could be their Star Wars. What a wild, like Babe Ruth, call your own shot, but not backing it up.

Star Wars. Star Wars.

Anytime you throw away, wad up a ball of paper, shoot it into a basket. I'm a form of shade but I make things bright what am I now here's what I'll say I don't know if this holds water because the answer is a lampshade does a lampshade

It makes things less bright, don't you think?

It dims the bulb. By definition. Now I'm trying to think, is there such a thing as a lampshade that makes things brighter? Like a gel, I guess? You wouldn't even call it a shade at that point. It's like a lamp in an insert.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you are a light bulb and you're like the life of the party and you're going to be at one of my dinner parties and you're just being, you're holding court and you're here with your brother lampshade that's kind of like dimming your light a little bit.

So I was talking to Tanya, and she said... Oh my God. She said, if you get a dog, you simply must... Tanya's his friend. Huh? Tanya's his friend. Hold on, I'm right at the end.

Right, yeah. We both know Tanya. We work with Tanya. Oh good! Yes. She knows Tanya! Yeah.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Dan. Sorry. Your story's awesome. Go for it. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about him.

No, it's Tanya. I said the more the merrier.

You were talking to Tanya. Your friend Tanya, you both know her.

We don't need a summary every fucking time.

Oh, it's totally fine. I'm sorry.

No, you're killing it. Your story was great.

I'm just gonna actually, I'm gonna check on the dessert really quick. I'll be back in like 30 seconds. And then I want to hear what Tanya said. Oh, good.

Yeah, nothing amps up a story like five minute break. You're killing it with her. No, I'm not. I was getting to the punchline and you stepped on my fucking dick, dog.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, sorry. I'm here to wing me in, you know?

No, you're not. Mom said I had to dick you out of the house because you're losing your mind. You're climbing the walls.

Okay. That's right.

Yes. And I said you can come with as long as you act normal.

As long as I act normal. Great. And what are you doing? I don't know. Not acting. Not acting. Just being. Right?

Alright, it's going to be a couple more minutes on that dessert.

Dan won a push-up contest when he was in high school. What are you doing? He did more push-ups than anyone at the school.

What are you doing? Oh! Now she's going to ask me to do push-ups. Would you want to do push-ups for the party?

Oh yeah! He can definitely do push-ups. The way he does push-ups is he clicks this little tab on his neck and it goes off, on, off, on, off, on. But it's basically a push-up.

Yeah, I just don't know if my filaments can handle that. It was when I was younger, so, you know, I was really radiated.

I was going to say, because I run Iron Mans, and I've invited him to participate, and you don't seem like an athletic... I'm glass. Right, right. And that's why, like, I have never asked.

Tony Stark made this? In the desert? In the box of scraps?

If someone says Iron Man, they're talking about the race. I love Obadiah Stane.

You can't.

Nobody loves Obadiah Stane. That's the worst character. What?

I'm gonna get, I'm gonna, I just noticed that we are out of red wine. I'm gonna go grab some. No, do you need me to make any? No, I don't want, I don't want homemade wine. I have a really nice bottle.

Oh great, he's gonna quote Mickey Rourke from Iron Man 2. Here we go.

Sorry, I'm just in the kitchen. What's going on?

Sorry?

Hey, do you need more red wine? No, I'm getting you red wine. Sorry, before we get too far afield, what did Tanya say about the... It doesn't matter. Oh, no, no. I want to hear.

Oh, it's so funny. It's so fucking funny. When I heard what Tanya said, and I don't even know Tanya. I don't work with her at all. But when I heard what Tanya said, I laughed so hard I had a full mental breakdown. I had a full mental breakdown. He's joking. I had to leave my job, and I had to move back in at home.

Oh, that's really sad.

We shouldn't tell family business. My parents take care of me fully now. I can't even bathe myself.

All of our parents take care of all of us,

I freaked out so much about what Tanya said that now I, when I close my eyes, I see it and it makes me go fucking crazy. Okay.

It's so funny.

You're gonna love what Tanya said.

I'm actually like really nervous to hear what she said. I thought it was gonna be like a funny, a classic Tanya-ism.

It could be funny. Can I blow your mind? I've never even heard this story before. Okay. I've never heard this story before.

Then what made you lose your mind?

Yes, exactly! Oh, I'm feeling so tired. Hey, aren't you tired? Oh, no, I feel like I've just done like the lampshade's equivalent of cocaine. Cocaine? Cocaine. I feel like I've done cocaine.

Okay, we were, you know, that's okay. We can wrap up. I was going to do a game of charades and serve the dessert, but that's okay.

Yes, Dan is so good at charades. Please let Dan play charades with you. Please. Because I always have an idea.

Ding! Dan, that is so funny. I love when you do that. He does that at work.

And I always have cocaine! Boy.

So, so sorry.

Who did mom give you cocaine? Cut to 20 minutes later. It's a movie. Three words, three words.

Four words. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl.

Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl.

Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoatl. Quetzalcoat

Can I be honest? Can I be honest? You forgot you were a lampshade. There was a minute, maybe about two and a half minutes into that scene, I'm like, I've said no specifics about lamps or lampshades, yet I have to say something.

Let me guess, you forgot you were a lampshade.

I should say something that makes it seem like we are a lamp and a lamp.

Also, this is the grief of recording in person. There's only one con, and it's how funny people are being physically. And they're a camera on us. Unless you're a pervert and you got a camera set up.

And no one will ever know.

Bummer.

Just all these teddy bears, huh? So many goddamn teddy bears stitched all over this apartment.

And no nanny cams.

What a waste.

But yeah, I guess lampshades, they both shade. They're not, yeah, that's a tough one. That's a tough one to start on, especially.

Hey, it's not your fault. It's the clipboard.

No, I typed it. Okay, here's the next one. I can be a letter, a person, or a quality. What am I? J. K. Okay, I heard one sort of loud noise. I said K. And I said J. We were so close to each other.

And we were just kidding. That's our two problem. Will you coach us?

I'm Jay, he's Kay, and we are Just Kidding!

And we like to jack off.

Yeah, and we like to jack off. Can we get a suggestion of any kind of way you can masturbate?

We are J-A-K Improv. How do you like to jack off? Touching my, stimulating my penis with my hand. At Live Improv. I heard, I heard, again, stimulating my penis with my hand.

Why do we keep getting this?

Ooh, I heard humping a couch. Fantastic. Our suggestion is humping a couch. Whatever makes sense.

I used to coach a team that would, and I'm from the- I'm from the- Streets. I'm from the streets. I think what I was coming through, like the way I was taught was when you ask for a suggestion, you always say, and this is coming from teachers- Can we put the Goodfellas improv music behind this? When I grow up. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an improviser. You always say, can I get a suggestion of anything at all? Anything at all. That's what you say. Can I get a suggestion of anything at all? And then people will say what they say. But I was coaching a team, and they were quite good, but they would always start their shows and they'd be like, can I get a suggestion of something you would find in a kitchen drawer? And people would be like, spatula. And then next show, can I get something you'd find in a kitchen drawer? Spatula. And they'd go, we've had spatula. What else? And people would be like, Whisk.

Were they called kitchen drawer? Why were they attached to this?

No, and then next show it'd be like, can we get something in the kitchen drawer? And people would be spatula and it'd be like, we've had that recently. Whisk, we've had that recently. Dildo. And eventually I was like, I think maybe we asked for a broader whatever. And they're like, well, I like the specificity of whatever. And so I'm like, well, you have to change it up or something. So they'd be like, can we get something you'd find in a purse? And people would be like, Billfold. And then the next show, can we get something in a purse? Billfold. And I'm like, you have to.

What I would do is, can we get a suggestion of anything at all that is not food? That's always such a hard starting point.

I think eventually a lot of people move to the if not food.

I'm

thing that you did in a rehearsal once where you just like have a playlist of songs and you play like the first 30 seconds of a song and have people do a scene silently and then you turn the song off and let the scene start. Hop into it. Yeah, that's fun. Our get was always for LawDog was, could we get a suggestion of something you'd like to hear a poem about?

Yeah, that was a really great.

Because it's like it's both specific and it's like people are going to be more thoughtful. We wanted one that would make people think for one second because I think that's what you want. If you say anything at all, Sometimes people yell dildo, and I'm of the mind that you don't have to take the first thing that you hear. If someone says dildo, you can say no, and then you just move on to something else. But yeah, we were trying to think of something that was broad, but also made people pause a little. And would ruin the people that would... Not everybody does this, but people who come to an improv show being like, I'm going to yell out this thing. As soon as they ask for anything, I'm going to yell out this thing.

There are people who Haunted Painting!

Haunted fucking painting.

Wait, who is this? Marcus Haugen.

Oh, that makes sense. He's very funny. It ruined slash gave the best summer of my life is when everyone else started doing that too. Yeah. I saw so many haunted painting shows and they were all incredible.

You would go to other shows and he wouldn't be there and people would yell out haunted painting. And it's just like, there's a thing about improv where, you know, if you're doing it on like a big stage, you're doing it for the paying audience. Welcome back.

Summer of 2016. Best summer of my life. Haunted painting summer. I'm not even kidding. Haunted painting summer. It was hit after hit after hit. Yeah. I think that that poem, one, is really helpful because anytime people yell out a suggestion, other than times when they're trying to just yell out a vocab word, it's always a noun. And I think that young improvisers can fall into a trap about talking about a thing at the beginning of a scene. Yes. And poems sometimes are about like love or like an idea. A concept. A concept. And that's a little bit easier.

Exploring a theme versus showing a thing.

When I coach and teach, I will stop any scene because I'm like, this is just bad to do in practice. And seasoned improvisers that have been on a team for a while can manage this. But I'm like, you cannot have your initiation be about an object. It can't be like, this is a nice car. And we do it, cue the montage we can play for me initiating scenes like that on the show. But I think like on stage, it's so hard to, you have to start the scene over at like 30 seconds if you start talking about a dildo.

Yeah. And I've always maintained that I'm a bad improviser. When I would teach classes and I'd be like, what shows do people see? And someone be like, I went to your show. I'd say, well, you've ruined it. You've ruined your chances. Well, don't tattle on me. You're not gonna be an improviser, are you? You're not gonna have the juice.

But GPC, I'd argue that you are a great improviser, you just have no interest in following any single improv rule. Like you did that when you were 15.

Yeah, you're right, I have no interest in the art form.

I saw you in the audience and I purposely was trying to teach you a lesson of what not to do.

But when you were like you I feel like you can teach like you're like if like Picasso took fucking like real art classes to like become like a realist. Like I feel like you at 15 you were learning all these rules and now you're like well now I want to break them.

There was a time where I cared deeply about improv but it was so long ago it's hard to even remember. Speaking of breaks, let's take a break. That's great.

That's a perfect segue.

Well guys, I gotta go. I'm taking Square Bear, my new best friend, out to a very fancy dinner because I saved a bunch of money using rocket money.

Whoa, shey honey.

Uh, uh, French, uh, honey-dry? French, yeah.

Yeah, well everyone can think hard on this.

Uh, oh, the bear!

Yes. Right?

Isn't that what they call the one from the show or whatever? Yeah, that's fun, right? Because it's a bear.

I've loved Rocket Money for so long. It's an app that helps me find and cancel all my unwanted subscriptions. It monitors my spending all in one place. I have loved it forever. It color codes things for me and it helps me keep track of all of the free trials that I've signed up for and forgot to cancel.

Yeah, you can also set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

And here's a list of the world's best restaurants. Let's see. Can I do bear puns on any of these? One called the Fat Bear. Is that something? The Fat Duck?

You could also use it to do automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequency. Set it and forget it approach. So if you're trying to sign up for a fancy dinner at Le Cordon Bear.

Noma. No Bear.

Bearma. Le Bear-na-din? 11 Madison Bear. Erin, baby, you ready?

Oh yeah, we're gonna head out.

I can afford to treat you like a queen because I've been using Rocket Money.

Ooh la la. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. See you later, guys.

And guys, if you go on a date with a bear, let the bear pay.

Come on, Square Bear. Let's get in your convertible car and go to... We're going to Bear, Alinea. Awesome.

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Yes, exactly. No, all good, all good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcast here on HeadGum. This podcast is brought to you by SquareSpace.

SquareSpace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the internet, or like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

I like that it's all in one place. I know. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like different stores or something. It's just all on my website.

Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a- do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload the like- You know, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or like- No, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.

Yeah, so you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and there are custom domains.

Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wonder if it exists.

www.friendsmeetingfriends.com That's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

Hey Riddle Riddle!

Okay. I can be a letter, a person, or a quality. What am I?

No fucking way. We didn't do this one.

No.

We didn't joke around.

I can be a letter, a person, or a quality. What am I?

And is that my friend K?

Every kiss begins with K. Yeah, like equality, like I'm K. Alright, let's do this.

A. Wait, is it one of the 26 letters of the standard definition alphabet?

Envelope. It's not, but in a way it is. Okay, okay. on the show.

So it's like a person, a person would be like someone's name, like this would be like a first name.

No. Yeah, we can say what was, fuck, Jeff Daniels, not Jeff Daniels, Jeff Bridges. OK, so Jeff Bridges, of course, Obadiah Stane, so you might say that Jeff Bridges played A character. A character. A character. A character. A letter, a person, or a quality is a character. So the alphabet each, I mean it's like characters. Characters, they're characters. Yeah, for sure.

I would like to, this is not really a scene, but I am going to put, I don't have my phone. Casey, can you put like two minutes on the clock?

Okay.

And you guys are going to go back and forth and you're going to pitch me sitcom ideas, but all the characters have to be letters of the alphabet.

Oh, this should be fun for you.

Okay, so and then I will decide the winner at the end.

It's sitcom ideas, but all the characters?

So you like, you can pitch one and I can green light it or red light it and then whoever got the most through with me. Okay. And who would like to go first?

I'll go first. Fantastic. And that's starting now. And I don't think I understand. I think you guys. So what we're talking about is A. So it's like an A hole. So it's A with a hole in it. And he's a real like asshole.

He's a real asshole. Hates his kids.

Hates his life.

And it's a solo show, it's like Last Man on Earth.

It's a show called, what's a matter you?

Greenlight.

Okay, so this is H and J, okay, and they have to live together in an apartment and H is so straight-laced and J is an absolute mess.

That's the odd couple. Is there no handjobs? Redlight.

It could be handjobs. It's a network show, but it could be handjobs.

So this is Eminem and they're twins, but one of them, one of them is like always tired and the other one is always tired.

Greenlight.

OK, great. So this show I've got for you, it's S&M. And basically what this is, it's a show set in a, it's kind of like upstairs, downstairs, but with a bondage house.

Greenlight.

So this is QZ, and what it is is Q is sort of like a real horndog, and Z is like a real horndog.

No, Q is approved, we all know that. Red light.

Okay, this show is called P, B, and J, and it's about- Green light. Please, can we be done? I'm done, I'm out.

Okay, so this show is called M-E-R-C-Y, and it's about- Cheerleaders. Please let us stop.

Erin, is this what you wanted? Yes. We're doing the thing that you wanted.

Yeah, except I wanted you to have a good attitude about it. You do one.

You do one. I want to make sure that I understand what I'm supposed to be doing.

This is going to be called B-U-tiful. And it's about the B and the U are like girls in high school that have really low confidence and then they meet each other and they are trying to like build each other up at letter high school.

Great, that's a perfect example, and it shows Green Light was doing it exactly wrong. Everything I did was wrong. That was the correct template.

Oh, and we're out of time. It looks like I lost some friends today.

You got your Green Light. I think you got more Green Lights than I got. I think Adal won. Yeah, if we're counting who got the most score.

We solved that.

Hey, we solved that. Great job, us. I have no idea what Riddle is. I think you pretty much led me right to it, but I ate character out of your hand that I appreciate.

I led you to Obadiah Springfield or whatever. You can roll me, but I'm not round. I'm a plate. That's a very good guess. You can roll me, but I'm not round. I'm a plate, but you can't eat off me. I can be found indoors, but seen outside. What am I? Does this look like a tectonic plate?

Like a car.

No, you can't really see that.

Like a wheel. Erin, you're very warm. Warm, warm, warm.

Like with a car?

You can roll me, but I'm not round. I'm a plate, but you can't eat off me. I can be found indoors, but seen outside. And cars, you're on the money, but just something more.

Train.

Not train, stick with car. I guess trains have cars, of course.

Car.

And is it a part of a car? It is a part of a car.

But you can be found inside, but you can see it outside?

I can be found indoors, but seen outside. Hearing well.

Found indoors, but seen outside.

This is all very, it's like riddle language. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can roll me, but I'm not round. I'm a plate.

So it's not a wheel, because a wheel's round.

I'm a plate but you can't eat off me. I can be found indoors but seen outside. And again, this is very Riddle.

A rearview mirror? A mirror?

No. This is getting a little bit closer. Windshield. Erin, you are blazing hot. Wind. Shield. A windshield? Is it plate? But there's one part of this that doesn't work for this. You can roll me, but I'm not round. So think of a windshield, but a windshield you could roll.

Today we're Isn't it crazy that people still, do people still say roll up the windows? They do, they must still say it, right? But we all grew up in an era where you literally rolled up the windows.

Is there like a term for the language of that that it's like an old version of that thing that we still use that term, there's a term for that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and we'll put that on the screen below.

We'll look that up and we'll put that on the screen below.

Because you say dial a number, and dial used to be like a circular, like a radial action. And dial, we just push a pad now and we say dial.

Everything mechanical has been like eviscerated from our lives and now we just have like touchscreens that are, you know. We're back. We still say vote for president, but we all know that doesn't matter anymore. Whatever makes sense.

Whatever makes sense. Whatever makes sense is so good, I'll never get over it.

I'd like to see a scene. Okay. Erin, you are a kid in the backseat of a car, and your parents are inside shopping and you're kind of left alone in the car. JPC, you're a guy walking by, and Erin, you're sort of like haranguing this guy and then rolling up the window whenever he tries to yell back at you.

Great.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, do you need help?

Dumb face.

I'm sorry?

Dumb face.

Hey, you can't talk to me... I saw you crying in your car.

Girl or job or both? Girl or job or both?

Uh... Girl? I mean, shut up. You can't talk to me like- You can't tell me to shut up.

I'm a kid- Excuse me, I'm a kid in a booster seat. It's not a car seat, I just get a little- I just am a little higher up.

Yeah, you look old but short.

I'm a kid.

Well, you look like an old short kid, so fuck you.

You know a thing or two about being a short- I wouldn't say king, I'd say sad sack? Hey Riddle Riddle.

Don't

You know what I'm gonna do?

A kid in a car who's being such a little punk?

I'm just a baby.

You're not a baby.

I'm just a baby in the car.

You're not a baby. You're an old short kid.

You're an old short kid. I'm just a baby in a car. I'm gonna... I'm gonna... Oh my god, this guy's trying to kidnap me!

In today's news, a man at a supermarket told a baby to die. We have the baby here with us. Baby, how are you doing? You booked me. You booked me.

Oh, she couldn't tell the difference. Oh my gosh, you couldn't tell the difference between me, a baby, and you, a guy who used to work at this news station.

While I'm here, would you like to

I saw a video today that was so cute of this kid who I think had ran into a glass door. And he was getting on an elevator and he was going like this, like putting his hand up, getting on the elevator. He has PTSD from running into a glass door. It's so cute.

She's running into a glass door.

Yikes.

Kids can go right through those things.

That sounds very cute. Is it better than the kid who gets kicked in the stomach by a robot?

No. I will let you know when something crosses my desk. I will wake you up if I find a video better than that. It's the internet.

I see that every time I close my eyes. It's a problem.

Can you guys get a house phone? Because I would love to call. Just in stuff like that's really important. Just stuff like that. New robot video dropped.

I'm sorry. Baby, it's the bat phone. When it rings, I gotta take it, okay?

It just means an awesome internet video has hit the internet.

My Commissioner Gordon is out there looking for the Joker, if you know what I'm saying.

And yeah, she's an idiot.

My wife divorces me so fast. So fast.

What's up everyone?

It looks like I'm on a phone call in the kitchen from the 1990s, but I'm listening to Spotify. I'm a terrible speaker.

My brain can't think of any words today. What is the job where you would unplug? Operator? Operator, like a phone operator. I think we have to go back to that. I think that if you really want to call someone, you can text some people like normal, but you have to talk to a woman on the phone. And you go, can I call? I don't want to bother my friend Dave. This is not worth it.

They were listening in on those conversations when they were plugging you in. Our phones listen to us anyway. It's just not people doing it anymore, right?

I'd rather it's a woman than AI.

A chic woman going out into the workforce.

I would like to see a scene, Erin. You are one of those old-timey operators who do the manual sort of plug and play, and JPC and I will play a variety of callers.

Hello, operator speaking. How can I connect you?

Yes, Philadelphia, please.

Hmm. All right. The cream cheese or the city?

Cream cheese.

All right. I'll connect you.

I found a rat in my tub.

Your cream cheese tub or your regular tub? Fat tub. All right, that's a different call. I will connect you to the... and here you... I'd like to be connected to the hospital, please. Uh, which one?

Um, well, the one my wife's at having the baby. I'm on a five-minute cigar break from Cigar Club. I thought I'd just check in on how things are going.

Uh, let me call her.

Okay, a woman talking to a woman on the phone. Interesting, a novel idea.

Hello, are you about to have a baby? Yes. Uh, your husband is at Cigar Club? No, not at Cigar Club. And he didn't want to come to the birth. I'd say cut him loose.

Can you tell him?

Why am I always doing breakups? Denise, you always find yourself in the middle of these things.

How is she?

She doesn't want to see you anymore. Good!

Click. Oh.

Scene.

I'm free!

I think that that is a plot point of a musical. My affairs just became normal sex. Is an operator falls in love with a guy that makes a lot of phone calls.

Whoa. Ooh, that's fun. Wait, what is this? A nice period piece?

No, I think it's a premise of, I think it's called Bells Are Ringing. I think that's the premise of a musical. Interesting. Which is like an operator falls in love with a guy's voice over the phone. It's very, you've got mail.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Because they just don't, she doesn't know what he looks like. She just is like, I think he calls from a hotel room.

Wow. What's he calling about? I don't know.

I don't know.

Gemma is very into... I can't remember if it's a musical or just a play. She's very into a thing called Daddy Long Legs. It's maybe like two people... It's like two people writing letters back and forth or something. I don't know. But she's always like, we have to watch Daddy Long Legs. I want you to see it. And it always like... It's a movie?

We don't know.

It's a theatrical performance, but I think on Broadway HD they have like a brochure.

Oh cool, okay.

Yeah.

I'll check it out.

Anytime I hear it I'm just like, ugh, no. And then I'm like, wait, this is a performance that has nothing to do with spiders.

Sounds creepy crawly.

I gotta say, Daddy Long Legs, one of my top ten least favorite types of spiders. Erin, you hate the name?

Can we workshop some- You're right.

What's better than daddy long legs? Let's slow down for a second. Let's just pretend we're aliens. Papa Stilt Toes. We've come to this planet. This is our first day. Let's try to just read with fresh eyes.

Take me to your spiders.

Exactly. Fresh eyes. There's these things that exist. They're called spiders. They have eight eyes, something like that, eight legs, something like that. And they make webs, they live webs, and they catch, that's already pretty horrifying. All right, we're coming up with names for them. We've named one of these Daddy Long Legs. We, as a species, I know what to call them.

Casey?

Daddy Long Legs.

I was just going to say, just because a user will say this, Daddy Long Legs are technically not spiders. They're technically crustaceans or whatever the fuck.

I'm protecting you. I'm protecting you from what people are going to imagine. People say they're actually the most poisonous, but their fangs are so short that they don't. Oh, then the name's actually cool and normal then. Oh, if they're something else then, oh great, never mind.

I think Zap, we use our lasers on Casey, Zap.

The reason that you say Daddy Long Legs when you see Daddy Long Legs is the first time you see one of those you go, Daddy Long Legs! What is that?

Look at the getaway sticks on that!

Mommy Long Legs?

Mommy Long Legs is awesome. If you're gonna catcall me, call me that.

Kathleen Turner, Mommy Long Legs.

What is a daddy longlegs?

Daddy longlegs are, I don't know, I don't know the technical thing, but they have six legs, not eight legs. Fascinating. It's like a spider varietal.

Notes of daddy longlegs.

I do not want your wine. I do not want to try your wine. You don't want spider wine? Erin, you simply must.

You don't want spider wine. Alright, well don't come crawling back to the capture hill. Out front or back? Both?

Okay.

Okay.

Some want to drink the wine and some want to arrest you.

You knew about the front and you knew about the back. I got caught. Whatever. Whatever. can make spider wine in jail, baby. Dumbass. It's both!

Yuck!

For us, by us.

That's beautiful.

It's been a long day. Yeah, Spiderwine is Spider's Fubu.

Spiderwine! Kiss that girl!

Spider-One, kiss that girl. Spider-One, kiss that girl. Spider-One.

They're putting me in Arkham Asylum next to the Joker, the Riddler, and I'm like, yeah, I'm just like you guys. I'm Spider-One. I'm just as good.

They're crying and they decide to change.

We're just as evil. We're all just as evil.

No, I'm not like this guy. I'm better than him.

And I don't even want to get the Batman. I want to give them some Spider-Wine, but I only want to give everybody Spider-Wine.

Batman just beats the shit out of you and he's like, what's your thing?

You're like, Spider-Wine. You want to get Spider-Man?

He's like, are you going to put up your hands and protect your face?

No, Spider-Wine. Don't need my face to make Spider-Wine. So sorry, so sorry.

This whole thing is, he just makes Spider-Wine?

Don't even need my hands.

Wink.

Make it with my ass.

I make it with my ass. Hey, this place is for Batman villains. We all like to fight the Batman.

Sure, I like to fight the Batman, I like to make spider wine, we're all saying the same thing.

No we're not, we're focused on destroying Batman.

And you don't have a lair, you live at 5428 Chestnut? Bleep that out Casey. I don't want people coming to my house trying to get the spider wine.

Oh but you're like a Marvel villain, you want to kill Spider-Man?

There's a who? Oh no. There's a what?

Spider-wine.

Spider-wine, kiss that girl. Don't have anything for Kiss That Girl, just for Spiderwine.

Of course.

Kiss of the Spiderwine. Yeah, Kiss of the Spiderwine.

Okay, let's move on. What are you saying? To a different riddle.

Yeah, maybe another riddle. Maybe at least one more. Let's do one more riddle. Okay.

Spider-Wine, you're a bad girl. That's not me.

You famously said, what? Where's that coming from? Oh, there's a spider at the table. It's drinking a little glass of wine. Is there a spider at the table? Now, can spiders drink spider wine, even if it's made of spiders?

Sure, why not? They can have whatever they want. I believe in them.

I have five rings and zero fingers. I'm not a planet, but I represent one. What am I?

Oh. A globe.

In case you might know. I have five rings and zero fingers. I'm not on a planet, but I represent one.

The Olympic rings.

Erin, you got it. The Olympic logos.

Jimi Hendrix? He's really going heavy on the wah-wah. I'm trying to fix this. How do I make this better?

Yeah, this is the family of Orinomorph spiders, but it does say that the name Daddy longlegs is used for several species Especially the spider, but it's also the common name for several other arthropod groups including harvest men and crane flies

Let me see the photos of what's wrong.

There's probably a lot of other things that just are things that have long legs that are not daddy long legs. Like someone told me or my dad told me recently that everything that I've seen in Illinois that I'm like, oh, that's a chipmunk. He's like, no, that's a ground squirrel. We don't have chipmunks in Illinois. And I'm like, what? And I looked it up and I was like, motherfucker, that's a ground squirrel. I always thought a ground squirrel and a chipmunk were the same things. Yeah.

What's the difference?

I don't know. One's called a ground squirrel and one's called a chipmunk. I don't fucking know. I'm not my dad.

Okay.

But, like, this thing. Do you see that thing? Would you say that's a chipmunk?

That's a ground squirrel.

That's a ground squirrel. That's a prairie dog. No. Adal? The bottom left? That's a prairie dog. That might be a prairie dog. But this one. This guy.

Okay. That's a chipmunk.

Does that not look like a chipmunk? What is a chipmunk? I don't know. This is a ground squirrel. It's not a gym chipmunk. I don't know. I haven't done my research, guys. My dad said, when your dad tells you that's not a ground squirrel, it's a chipmunk, you just say, yeah, why would I ever have to fucking know that? Of course. I don't know. My point is, you're one of the stupidest fucking guys you'll ever meet in your entire life. And I'm fine with that. I'm comfortable.

Finally, he said it. How many episodes in are we? 420 something?

I shit my pants just like everybody else. One leg at a time.

Guys. Can I say hot dogs or do people need to plug anything?

No, I'm good.

No, I'm good. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, listen to Gutter, my podcast Gutter. Super highly produced actual play comedy role playing podcast recorded in this room on these microphones.

Yeah. An honor to sit in these very seats.

So can you tell me for sure, does Gutter have riffs as good as Spider-Man Kiss That Girl? Yes, I would say.

Oh, okay. Thank you. There are at least a couple riffs as good as Spider-Wine Kiss That Girl.

Casey, insert some hesitation before you answer that. That's so funny.

Because he almost talked over JPC. I love that he thought about it. He did not just give me his yes-man answer.

He went back and he was like... Yeah, no, I had given an honest answer.

Yeah, something Mike McDowell has said is as good as Spider-Wine Kiss That Girl.

Speaking of Spider-Wine, should we go get some Spider-Wine at happy hour?

Okay. I don't know. A little bit of spider wine with our Jenny's Key Lime Pie.

It's four o'clock somewhere. It was four o'clock here.

Four o'clock. Four o'clock is spider wine o'clock. Oh yeah, for sure. It's a full hour before you can drink alcohol.

Yeah, yeah. So it's spider wine time.

Because there's no alcohol in spider wine. What?

Oh God.

Oh yeah. What makes it red? Alcohol is red, right?

You don't want to answer, do you?

I'll tell you what is red. Hot dogs.

You don't have your powers. You don't have the board in front of you. I'm gonna have spiderwine stuck in my head all day, you jerk.

Spiderwine! Get back here!

Hey there, eggs and affirmations. If you liked that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We dust off an old chestnut and go back to some BuzzFeed quizzes. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com

That was a hate gun podcast.