Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name Your Price tool for years now. With the Name Your Price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com. Find a rate that works for you with the Name Your Price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.
This is a HeadGum Podcast.
Okay, you are caller number nine. Caller, tell us your name and what song you want to hear.
Okay, first time caller. Long time listener. Thank you so much. I would love to... Honey, honey. Come on, please.
Ask for it. I'm on the phone right now.
Caller, you're live. What's your name and what song do you want to hear?
The party people and the LMFAO. Ask for LMFAO. You know I love that.
I'm sorry, can you say that again, caller?
Um, sorry, give me one second.
Denise, are you fucking kidding me? I love that song. Whoa! Let's watch the language!
I have been trying to call in to this for four months to request happy birthday for myself on my birthday because I know no one else... What do you mean we don't have any other callers?
Dale's just... There's not a single other caller we can switch to?
For your birthday? Didn't you just have a birthday? It's today! Okay! Okay! I got you, LMFAOs. Please don't let them request that.
That's the one song we don't have. Caller number nine, you are live on the air. I'm going to need that name.
I'm going to need what song.
We have established that. I need to know your name now.
My name is Denise, I think, and I would like to say it's my birthday and I would love to hear... I would love to hear LMFAO laughing my fucking ass off. Oh Denise, you are killing us.
You said the phrase that pays. Denise, you have just won two tickets to see LMFAO's funeral tonight.
That's four tickets. That's four tickets you got. You keep saying the phrase that pays. You're going to an uncle and a nephew's funeral tonight.
Laughing my fucking ass off died?
They both died. It was a... Don't say murder-suicide. Don't say murder-suicide. Don't say murder-suicide.
I'm gonna change this radio station to Hey Riddle Riddle.
This is not a radio station! This is your cousin, Jeff! You know that new funeral you were looking for? You called me in the hospital because no one else in the family will talk to me!
Hi, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Erin Keif. That's JPC. That's Adal Rifai over there. And that's Casey Toney, who will maybe hop on mic if we beg and beg and beg.
If we beg and plead, and we're all in the same room together recording live and in person. Isn't that fun?
That is fun. It feels so weird to just be like, oh, I could touch you both. And you shouldn't. Okay.
If I sneeze, you would feel it.
Or it's back to the computer with you. We should say we went to computers not because of COVID. To end the great poking war. I have sort of, doctors say I have Lenny disease, where I love the buddies and I squeeze them too hard.
All your friends are a little shorter than you.
Timeout was not effective enough for us anymore, we had to go to computer timeout.
It was either that or have me look off in the distance, stand behind me, and... Oh, do people think that Erin really moved to LA?
Do they not get that that was a joke?
Oh, sweetie. You thought we were serious? Oh, sweetie.
Oh, sweetie. If we were a bit of classic literature, what book would we be?
Skin Mag, Hustler, Absolute Jugs Magazine.
Absolute Jugs? Absolute Jugs Magazine.
Sponsored by Absolute Vodka.
Unrealistic, they're like 7'3". I'm thinking of Absolute Vodka. 0.001% of jugs.
This is the platonic ideal of jugs. 2 G's? What magazine?
What magazine? Necronomicon. Necronomicon would be a good one. Necronomicon. Classic. I remember when that popped up on the summer reading list. I was like, oh wow. Can't wait to get Scholastic book credit for reading the Necronomicon.
We are probably YA or a children's book.
Where the Wild Things Are, but like if you dropped it in a vat of LSD or something. With that Juggs magazine riff up top? You got Juggs in my Marie Sendak. You got Marie Sendak in my Juggs.
It's so nice to be in person so you can see Erin on her phone in person.
I'm looking at books that are two men- You're reading a book. Just say you're reading a book. Erin, how do you feel about friends-to-lovers as an archetype? Well, in real life, it's sort of the only way I do it.
In media, I'm an enemies-to-lovers kind of guy.
You're an enemies-to-lovers.
I love season 2 of Bridgerton. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Pacey and Joey in Dawson's Creek. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. I love it. I love when they don't like each other.
I guess I don't really mind an enemies-to-lovers thing, but I think what I would love to see even more was something that was set up like an enemies-to-lovers, where they just never... It's just enemies-to-enemies. Like, remain enemies. Send help. Well, put them in all these intimate moments together where they have the opportunity. But it's like, no, they hate each other. Let's just let them hate each other. They don't get along. Why would they fall in love? They hate each other. They hate each other. I wasn't fucking with you. They weren't wrong. They know that they don't like each other. They don't like each other. What do you want? Why are you trying to make this happen, weirdo? I'm reading a book right now where, and I'm not a big fan of the archetype, and so I'm reading a book right now where I can, that's just where it's going, I can see it going there the whole time and… Friends to lovers or enemies to lovers? Enemies to lovers. And I'm like really ready for them to fuck, fucking twist the knife. Be done with it? No, I want them to twist the knife and go the other way that I know they're not gonna do. I know, because like so much stuff I feel like is enemies to lovers. Like that's just like, I think it's very popular right now. And is this like Reacher and Nagel or who's the…? Dude, I'm so mad that I'm done reading Reacher's.
You finished them. I finished them. I'm all done with Reacher's, yeah.
When are you going to write your fanfic?
I have. I have. You have? It's not done, so no. It's one of those things where it's like, whenever you're working on a project, I don't even like talking about it until it's ready for public consumption. But I've got a little bit of it written, and there's going to be some rewriting processes, yeah.
Okay, well, piece of paper fell out of JP's pocket. I'm We'll let Brandon Sanderson finish it.
I will say that I have a lot of decisions that I had to make about that Reacher fanfic that I'm writing and one of the most important ones is that I am writing Jack Reacher from like the 90s. I'm not writing old man Jack Reacher which is what they do now and it's very weird because he would be like 65 years old and it's like hey man this guy's not beating people up like he's 65 years old like I'm writing a Reacher in his prime when I write my Reacher.
Is old Reacher still like hooking up with
Yes, Casey, I can't even get into it because it's not even written by the guy anymore. It's written by his brother and it's like, he's both, he's, it's both set in the modern time, but then they're like, kind of like back off of anything about Reacher's age, but they'll also be like, Reacher doesn't know how to use a cell phone. You're like, you can't. At this point, cell phones have been around for 35 years. Like, you can't not have cell phones, Reacher. Like, you need to like, know this stuff.
So it's like, it's a mix. It's a weird mix. Erin, what's the female equivalent of Reacher? Let's get started.
We're like, for guys, it's like a big guy. Uh, Jill Listener.
Who just... What's the name of the character?
A woman who just wants to, yeah.
And she asks questions with like, you know, you say something to her, and she has follow-up questions.
Jill Listener is awesome.
She travels with everything.
She's in a monogamous relationship.
The biggest fucking person you've ever seen on Jill Listener.
Her arms aren't big, her purse is big, and she's got snacks.
She gets arrested and they're like, Chief, we found 40 forms of ID, 10 pieces of mail. She's prepared.
I think, what's Angela Lansbury's character in Murder, She Wrote?
The state of like, yeah, I don't want your phone.
Yes, correct. But why can't I Google books?
I'll Google it. I'll Google it.
Why can't I just be Googling books here?
There's like a woman jogging, I remember, in the episode we watched. Then there's, I believe there's some sort of murder. Here we go.
This must have been back when we were doing review crew, when I was just telling you guys I was watching this shit.
You're the worst. I should have spit out all of the food today like you did with the orange soda.
Reacherton? Is that anything? Reacherton!
Erin, could Reacherton be anything?
Where they all just fight each other for each other's hands.
Give me four days. Lock me in a room for four days with a typewriter.
There's an enormous bodybuilder type guy in the 1800s folding someone in half and stuffing them in the back of a horse.
Hey, I'll tell you, the back of a horse, that's the butt.
You're talking about a butt hole.
I'm sorry sir, in the 1800s we say back of a horse.
You say stuff in someone in the back of a horse, only one mental image comes to mind and it ain't pretty.
Jessica Fletcher. Jessica Fletcher.
I was close. Yeah, Jessica Fletcher. Honestly. There was an E in there, yeah.
Erin, what parts of Jack Reacher appeal to your brain and your soul?
I was actually shocked how much I loved the TV show. It was so over the top and silly and just so for dads to watch that it really made me laugh. But I wouldn't mind him picking me up like a firefighter and throwing me over his shoulder. That part of it appeals to me, I guess.
Yeah, even if, like, I hate to bother a celebrity, they're just out there living their lives, but if I ever ran into Alan Richardson, I'd be like, hey, could you pick me up?
Yeah, I'd want him to maybe, I'd ask him to maybe scoop me.
I would, I would say, hey, take a look at that lady over there. She's obviously very sick. Could you just... Are you talking about me?
No, I said lady. Lady, okay. All right, but you're not talking about me? No, no, no.
If I saw him, I'd run out in the middle of the street and go, you need to slow down.
You need to slow down. And I'd be like, are you tough? I can take you.
He'd punch me so hard my eyes changed color, then I'd go.
Okay. Hey, what are we doing? It's a draw.
No, I would do a Gimli toss me for sure. I would have him toss me for sure.
Would you say it like Gimli?
Yeah. Men love when you say stuff like that.
Men love when you say, um, tell me what your elf eyes see.
Yeah, they love stuff like that.
You getting hit by Jack Reacher, your eyes changing color, and me saying, Adal, tell me what your Adal eyes see, and you're like, nothing.
Men love when you say, and I shall die as one of them.
Looks like love is back on the menu, boys. See, that's a happy compromise, I feel like.
If you could be a wormtongue for any one person in the world, who would you be wormtonguing? Because by the way, every time I see that man, or every time I watch that movie, and Wormtongue comes on, I'm like, I know he's a bad guy. I know he's eventually going to lose. But God, is he having the fucking time of his life?
He's the best at what he does. Please never say, who would you wormtongue again?
You have no power here. Whisper it real slow.
If you never had to take a shower again in your entire life and you could instead just whisper it into someone's ears, that would be the dream.
Well, who do I want to sit next to is ultimately what it is.
Yeah. Like, and who would you want to like, because not only is he getting everything he wants, but he's fucking up someone's life to do it too, right? He's draining Theoden King. Yeah. The Pope? Oh yeah, Erin, you famously hate the Pope.
I'm warm-tongued on the Pope. Can that be new merch, like a bumper sticker? I'd say maybe Malkovich.
I would wormtongue JD Vance. I would love to see like JD Vance drained of all the muck.
Isn't that kind of a hat on a hat?
I think big tech kind of beat you to the punch to wormtongue JD Vance. I think there's several very normal kind of guys.
My lord, do a jump and try to make an X with your body, my lord. My lord, you are excited.
Give a normal scream. Yes, very good, Howard Dean.
My lord, show everyone that charisma you're known for. Yes, very good, Mr. Vance.
My lord, this is just a normal person at work carrying a sink in as you walk in and then say, let that sink in, my lord. More eyeliner, Mr. Vance. You should beg Jeffrey Epstein to let you join the party, my liege.
They doubt you, my liege. They don't believe you're as big of a pedophile as they are. You should become a Catholic, my liege. I know you're 35, but as you've married an Indian woman, but become a Catholic and talk about it all the time. Kill the Pope, my liege.
Very good. Much like Dennis Hayspert did in the second season of 24. You have some sort of invisible glove on that infiltrates the bloodstream.
Be such a bummer that you killed the Pope, Mr. Vance.
Very good. The problem with J.D. Vance... And there's only one. Truly, my big problem with J.D. Vance is that I'm not scared of him even a little bit, and I know I should be. I know everything that he represents is evil and will end up destroying the world, But like him as a man, as a person, it's just so hard to take him seriously at all. And I hope it's one of those things where it's like after Trump dies and JD is like, I'm the heir apparent, like there's one week and then all the gas trains out of it and people are like, no, I'm sorry. Looking at you now. Trump has it. Say what you will about him. He's fucking awful. But like, he's got that like old, Queenie New York, like, riz.
He just, he does. I mean, J.D.
Vance is obviously like a sex symbol and that's really nice. Yeah.
He's so hot. He's a sex symbol. Yeah.
Look, I don't want to kink shame anybody, but I can't imagine the type of person that finds J.D. Vance attractive.
I don't want to kink shame anyone. Lola, mid-song.
So, everybody. Hold on, let me ask. I forbade Riley to listen to Hey Riddle Riddle. He's not allowed to. What? Why? What the fuck? For several different reasons.
Is it because it's too, it's too parasocial, like you don't, you don't want him getting a peek into all the things going on inside of your mind that you let, you know, unfiltered onto the podcast?
Yeah, that's for our listeners. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's not, but also- You use too much dirty language. That's true, I don't want him to know, I swear. I have some very sweet friends that listen to the show and I do think that they reach out and talk to me less because they are getting their fill of time with me and I'm not getting to hang out with them. And so and then also if I see friends are like I already know about that I already know about that like these life events that I'm like I would rather Riley not be tired of me Got it when he sees me.
I feel like Instagram did that too where someone posts a bunch about vacation and then you're just like well I know about their vacation. Yeah, I don't have to talk to them about it.
But he, before we did our recording, he was like, are you Mr. Riddles today? Like he, he guessed like four different things for Old Man Puzzles.
And I was like, oh, that's that shows also that he like is interested, but he obviously like respects the fact that he's not allowed to listen or Riley's a fucking genius where he's like, I listen every week. Obviously, I can't let her know I listen every week. So I have to call it like Mr. Puzzles or some shit. Yeah. So she thinks that like move 40 chess on Riley. Okay.
I've seen, I can't remember who it was, I can't remember if it was like years ago watching like one episode of like Bill Maher or something where it was like a host I don't usually watch because I don't enjoy them, but they had some, who's like, name like the biggest celebrity you can think of. Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld. So it'd be like he was interviewing Jerry Seinfeld and he's like, So you have that show, Signfold, or what is it? You could tell the gears of like, let me fuck up the title of it just to let you know, right?
I'm not familiar with it.
So it could be a genius move, not in the negative way, but in a way of like, I listen and I love the show, but let me be like, what is it, Mr. Riddles?
This is a really good point.
I'm imagining going home and being like, hey, Mariah, I think I'm going to forbid you from listening to Hey Riddle Riddle. She'd be like, what?
The Forbidding. The Forbidding.
The show that I listened to three episodes of in 2017, that's the one I can't listen to anymore? Oh no!
Also, it's just hitting my brain. Did we just say the biggest celebrity on earth that we can think of is Seinfeld?
Yeah. The GPC said that. I was about to say Tom Cruise, which makes way more sense.
Tom Cruise is interesting. I've never heard of him.
Where's he from? It's a pretty small movie, I think.
Mission Impeacable? I don't know. Mission Impeacable?
Bigger than Seinfeld? Bigger than Seinfeld?
I think when Riley and I first started seeing each other, he was listening to some episodes and that freaked me out because I was like, no, I'm weird on there. I want you to like me. Get out of there.
I'm weird on there. Do you feel like you play a character?
Yes, I think I'm actually very intelligent and not accident-prone in real life, and this is how we talk in real life. And here I'm like, oh my god, I can't get my shit together.
Now Erin, you have said canonically, if you ever get married, you would wrap your vows?
Yeah, I will. I'll wrap them. in That's way too much.
We'd have to bring recording equipment. It has to be content. Do you want to practice it right now?
My vows? Would that help?
Yeah. Okay, everybody turn off your cameras. Wait, we're in person. Fuck!
Casey's trying to play the rap beat right now.
I'm going to start reading my vows. I'm going to start reading them nows. I forget who I'm marrying and I'm burying them with a shovel. I'mma kill them. I'mma kill them with these vows. They're gonna be way better than yours.
Riley's parents turn to each other like, what?
Turn it off, turn it off. Enough. What is she talking about?
I just wanted to prove that you're not safe even here in person. No, I'm not safe anywhere.
Okay. I've never felt safe in my entire life. That's my secret cap. Hey Riddle Riddle.
Hey everybody, Adal here. Don't panic, I'm trying not to. The three of us were at the Cook County Pie Factory, I'm still here, on a self-guided tour of course, and JPC and Erin leaned over a bit too far and fell into the pie vat. So they've been baked into pies. I'm trying to run around eating through the pies to find them. No such luck so far, but I do want to let you know, this is stressful of course, but one of the most stressful things we have to deal with after a busy day of recording Riddles is what are we going to have for dinner? JPC of course always suggests, I've got a bone to pick with you, and Erin's all, why don't you have a bowl of clam chowder? Forty-five minutes later, two-thirds of us are baked into pies. This all could have been avoided with Tempo. The meals are already prepared, ready in two minutes, and make it a whole lot easier to eat fresh, balanced meals during the week. With over 20 recipes every week made from nutrient-rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. And no matter your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with over 30 grams of protein, fiber rich, calorie conscious, gut support, and even GLP-1 smart meals. Glp-1, I guess is maybe how you pronounce it. Personally, I've recently had some favorites from Tempo, including the BBQ Pulled Pork Sweet Potato Skillet, the Fiesta Grilled Chicken and Rice, and The most fun to say, the lean and clean rotini bolognese with garlicky broccoli. Yum, yum, yum. For a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com slash riddle. That's tempomeals.com slash riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply. Oh, oh, I bit into a pie. It's Erin. Oh, no, that's a blackbird. Hmm, maybe. Erin? Oh, it is Erin! You're free! Oh, she just flew out the window. Classic Erin.
Hey everybody, JPC here, and I want to tell you about a traumatic experience that I had recently. Now, if you listen to the show, you know I'm a big foodie. I love restaurants. I love restauranteuring. I love going out to eat. But a lot of times, because of how I am, it's hard to get a group of people to want to dine with me. So I go to a lot of restaurants solo. Now, classically, I like to go to restaurants. I don't like to dress up. I don't like to put on airs. So I do eat at a lot of restaurants. Wearing a potato sack with arm holes cut out and not really leg holes cut out because it's just the bottom of the sack. I guess there is a head hole for me to stick my head out of the sack if I remember, but recently I was eating in a restaurant and they kicked me out because they didn't like the potato sack that I was wearing. I'm sorry, it's hard for me to talk about this. So I went to Quince because Quince is all about fewer, better pieces. Their clothes are made with premium materials, built to last, and designed to become the ones you reach for day after day. And they will not scratch you like a potato sack. They will not hurt you like a potato sack. And they, for the most part, do not smell like potatoes. Quince specializes in everyday staples that work harder, like their ultra soft organic cotton tees and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. They're versatile, timeless, and transition seamlessly from casual workday to dinner out. I Love my Mongolian cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I wear it whenever I have the opportunity. I am so excited for fall because I will get to fall back into that sweater. Summer's been really hard for me because I have been wearing so many potato sacks and they are scratchy and uncomfortable and you cannot buy them at Quince. Everything at Quinn's is priced 50-80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing. Quinn's has become my go-to for everything from hotel quality bedding and bath essentials to premium cookware and travel must-haves. Now I know I said they have premium cookware. Potato sacks are not cookware. I know it's because you cook and you wear it, but potato sacks are not something… You will not find potato sacks at Quince. Do not even look. So upgrade your everyday, download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com slash riddle, get free shipping on your order, and 365-day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle. And do not mention that you used to wear potato sacks to anyone. Ever.
You guys, I have a real life example about how good Helix Sleep is.
Okay. Erin, you had me at you had a real life. I am so happy for you.
My dear friend texted me saying, what brand is your mattress again? I love your mattress. And I said, it's Helix Sleep, baby. I got the Midnight Luxe. And then she said, can you send me a code? Because she's about to move and she needs a new mattress. And she's about to have a luxurious Helix Sleep mattress. I'm very excited for her because also when I go to Chicago I stay with her and now I don't have to be too far from the Midnight Luxe at any given moment.
Erin, that is money in the bank. Never being too far from the Midnight Luxe. I have one of those trackers that I got installed, like what you put in pets, that dings every time I'm close to a Midnight Luxe so that I can just kind of hop on and have a little sleep.
Helix doesn't sell that, guys. That's third party. But what Helix does do is they offer free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the U.S.
Plus, they have a 120-night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. And the Happy with Helix Guarantee you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. And the Happy with Helix Guarantee offers a risk-free, customer-first experience designed to ensure that you're completely satisfied with your new mattress.
Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired and me, Erin Keif, who loves my Helix Sleep Mattress.
And right now, you can get a Helix Sleep mattress just like Erin's, and I'm doing big, air quotes, friend that definitely exists.
Shelby! Her name's Shelby! She's real!
Sure, I can make up names, too. Uh, Schnell. Schnellby. Schnellby.
That's just Shelby with an A. Go to HelixSleep.com slash Riddle for the Labor Day Early Access Sale. That is 20% off site wide. That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle for the Labor Day Early Access Sale that is running until August 13th. 20% off site wide. HelixSleep.com slash Riddle.
Schnellby. Hi, it's me, Schnellby. Schnellby!
Just Schnellby with an N.
I have some warm-up riddles.
Ooh. These are from Will Parsons.
Who is a self-described tired dad. So these are some Hank Pinks from a tired dad's brain, and I thought that maybe would speak to you.
Yeah. I have one of those brains. Constantly tired, constantly dead.
I have one of those brains. Can you milk me? I 100% thought you were going to say that. I should have.
That's a classic tired dad thing to say.
Hey, I got a question for you before we get into Will Person's riddles or whatever. Do you think that that line is going to be in Fokker and Law? What's it called? Fokker and Law.
Fokker damn near killed her.
I think it will be. Erin, can you look this up while you're googling shit?
I'm not googling shit, I pulled up Riddles!
I think it will be. I think it will be, but I think it will be Ariana Grande's character. And I think she'll say something akin to that, where she'll be like, she'll say something very similar to that, and then De Niro's character will be like, I like her. I like her.
Dinero, I'm not familiar with that. Who is that?
I saw the preview for the new, for the new Falkirk movie. It feels like it's been 20 years since the last Falkirk movie. It's been a minute, yeah. And it just felt like, I was, I was just wondering, like, who's the nostalgia hit of this for? Cause I'm like, I think I was the right age when Meet the Parents came out that I was like, oh, this is a, and Meet the Parents I think is a fun movie. It's got some fun gags in it. Yes. But they're like, how do we refresh this thing? We got to get Ariana Grande in there. We got to get Ariana Grande in there.
It doesn't, it doesn't feel right to me. Yes. Yeah. It just feels like, I mean, at this point, I hate to say it, I'd almost prefer a remake. Yeah, yeah. Just remake it. Yeah, just remake it. Or have it be like Stiller's Now the Dad and his kids or whatever that is.
Which is kind of what it is, but it's like, it's still Stiller, it's still Robert De Niro, and it's, yeah, it seems strange.
Dustin Hoffman and Bette Midler?
How are they getting these people? No, those were in the other one, right? Because those are his parents, not her parents. The Fokker universe. I mean, we really we got to dig into it one day because it's delightful.
I want them to start doing like timeline shifts, like Avengers. Like I want the rules of the Fokker.
Meet the Fokkers by earth 30, 40 minutes. You want Thor to show up 45 minutes into Fokker and just chain. Now that.
Honestly, and it just changes what the movie's about. It's not about family squabbles anymore. That's not important because there's like a Cree invasion. And now Thor is just there being like, it's still about them, but they're just like, all they're dealing with is like, yeah, I guess there's Cree everywhere.
It's like the raid. It's Meet the Fockers, but the snap happened. So half of them were disintegrated.
If, yeah, if 50 minutes into Focker and Law, Robert De Niro just feeds into dust.
Someone needs to do that.
Yes, some video effects house just recut these movies but the dust first De Niro out of it 15 minutes in and just let the rest of the movie play out.
Stiller's holding him like Iron Man holds Spider-Man. He's like, I don't want to go. I don't want to go.
I love listening to those Hey Riddle Riddle episodes post-snap because I'm gone and it's like nice to hear what the dynamic is for just the two of you. Yeah. Okay.
Erin comes back and we're somehow 30 years older.
Erin, you're still in high school? How did that happen?
These are from Will Parsons. These are Hink Pinks. These are warm-ups. And here we go.
Life moves sideways is awesome.
Lobster mobster. Yes, I would like to see a scene.
Adal, you are a lobster in one of those tanks at like the grocery store or a restaurant and you're like a mob boss and you're throwing your weight around the tank.
What do we got? Who do we got left? Who do we got left? Oh, Timmy Tiny Legs. Hey, Timmy Tiny Legs. Come here, come here, come here. Hey, hey, hey. Come on, boss. We all got tiny legs. We barely need them. Timmy, but you got much smaller. You got much smaller legs, Timmy Tiny Legs. Hey, you got my, uh, you got my money? Um, you mean your sand dollars? Yeah, my sand dollars. And don't forget the vig was 15%.
I can't crack a sand dollar.
I got tiny legs. Oh, it's a shame I'm gonna have to break these tiny legs. Hey, um... Here we go. Hey Shelby, give me a tiny hammer.
Yeah, okay, I'll get you a tiny hammer. Are you gonna do it to make this lobster sleep with the fishes?
Well, no, he's gonna awake with the humans?
Oh, on a plate and a roll, I bet.
Boss, boss, boss, be honest. That's right. Why are you banging a waitress here?
I'll be back with that hammer, boss. Thank you, toots.
She puts her butt in the water, I smack it.
Oh, a pinch. I love that kind of thing. How'd you teach her how to speak crab, boss? She speaks crab like I've never heard no human speak crab before.
Would it blow your mind to know she did before she met me?
Oh, boss, that's a red flag. That means you're not the first crab she's been with. What? That means you're not the first crab she's been with. Oh, no.
Oh, boss. Baby, I got a boiling pot of water just for you. Just say the word and I'll put him in it and then I'll listen to him scream.
Shelby, um, I met you through my dad.
You and my dad never, uh... Oh, uh, the more powerful lobster before you? We never, uh, what?
Never, you know, you and him never rolled in the wet hay? Swam in the wet hay?
Listen, when you're a woman like me, you're attracted to the most powerful lobster in the room. Human men are bad and getting worse. You take what you can get. A lobster that can pinch? Yeah.
Shelby girl, you have to set me up with one of these lobsters from your work. There are no good men left in New York City.
You're telling me about it. They're either fully eating lobsters... Cracking and sucking lobster while talking about them. Oh brother. Call us HBO, we have no good ideas.
If that showed up on HBO, like a show that was just that, in like three years, what would we even do? We'd have no recourse. We'd be like, yeah, I guess.
I'd text everyone I know and go, you gotta watch this.
If there was any way that we had done a scene that was something like what happens in episode 6 of Sugar season 1, I would be... Stop it. I would be on cloud nine.
You are not allowed to talk about it.
I just briefly want to say, I did send... I asked GPC over text, I said, are you watching the new season of Sugar? And he goes, no, I just watched the first two minutes of the first episode of season 2. And I sent him a screenshot from episode 5 of season 2. And it's just Colin Farrell in a tuxedo shrugging. And literally the subtitle, because it's what he said, is, I've never had a cheeseburger. And I'm like, this is where they're at story-wise. Yeah.
The fact that... Guys, there's a really good TV out.
A plot point of Sugar Season 2 is, he's never had a cheeseburger.
I did text Adal too, because I was starting to watch a little bit of Sugar Season 2, Erin. And I watched Episode 2 or something. And I was like, holy shit, Episode 2, what an ending. I'm in on Sugar now. I've only seen two episodes. I only watch it once every three weeks, but when I watch an episode of Sugar, I'm in. I'm in love.
Erin wants no part in us talking about Sugar.
Men are bad and getting worse.
But Erin, Sugar's not even a man. I won't say any more.
Verbose avian. Wordy birdy. Wordy birdy.
A wordy birdy. Sharp-shooting force user.
Sharp- Jedi. Sharp-eye. Dead-eye Jedi. Dead-eye Jedi. Dead-eye Jedi.
I'm not going to say that joke. Hungry whittling? Like the thing you do with like a... Carve. Starved carve.
Starved carve. Yeah. Starving carving.
Starving carving. Starver carver.
Today we're Let's climb back down the ladder of the episode. We're going to go back to wordy birdy. And Adal, we're going to have you play GPC's parrot. And GPC, I'm going to be a guest at your house and you are getting annoyed at how much your bird is talking and telling me about you. Got it.
Yeah, so this whole closet is just toiletries, anything else like towels, obviously. But if you forgot like toothbrush or something, these bins down here.
Thank you so much for letting me stay.
Cleaned it up before you got here. Scrambled to clean.
I forgot you had a bird. That is so fun.
Well, it's not really even mine. It's my, because they live forever. So yeah, when my dad passed, I kind of got his parrot.
Didn't pass, moved away. Won't talk to him.
That's not that was porn that was true for a certain porn yours or his it my dad's porn It was porn. It's my porn.
Yes, that was true to a certain time, but he did he did tell it on you Trees are in here, and then I just would like love to take a shower and sure yeah, I did again Thank you so much for letting me stay at short notice honestly like your your whole situation with like Doug.
It's like so You know, fucked up, but please.
And thank you for being on my side for that. Like, I just really appreciate everyone sort of turning on Doug. Making a move.
He's been waiting. Waiting. Biding his time. He loves how I met your mother. Feels it's similar.
Who doesn't love how I met your mother, right?
Doug loves how I met your mother. Every man does.
Have you talked to Doug? Have you seen Doug?
Oh, I haven't talked to Doug in like, it must be months that I haven't talked to Doug. Earlier today. So today I did have a call with him. Doug!
So, to arrange an in-person meeting, yes. You saw Doug this morning?
Doug is not here. Doug just left. Doug left a little bit ago. If he ran, you could catch him. Doug was dropping off some of your stuff that I said, Doug, I think she needs the stuff, but I don't want you here. So he knows I'm here. No, he does know you're here, yes. He does know you're here.
He's the one that cheated. I don't understand why anyone would take his side. Like, why are we... Humoring him. Come on, man.
I'm not humoring him, and I'm not taking his side. He's a cheater.
He is a comedian. You know this. Doug's still funny. He cheated, but that doesn't make him not funny anymore.
Yeah, tale as old as time. Cheating comedian. Yes. Okay, very cool, very fun. He's funny, so we forgive it.
I do not forgive Doug. I would never forgive Doug.
Literally said, I forgive you.
That was... Laminated card.
In context... You wrote him a card saying you forgave him?
I was giving out laminated cards as part of my sobriety journey. Still drinking and I am still drinking and I wanted it's a journey I can't even believe like if you and Doug are so close I should get the apartment and he should have to stay fine Don't stay here, but like please I've set this whole thing up you at least take a shower here cuz you know I want you to I want you to be able to Go out clean into the world like fuck dog in the shower earlier. So what happened in the shower?
The immediate pivot to justify to be like, listen. It's also so funny to be so far into that and not deal with the bird at all. Not trying to silence the bird. Just be like, look, I can't with this bird. Whatever he says, I'm going to have to respond to, but I can't. What am I going to do? Hit a bird? No.
I guess I'll have to be a guy who owns a bird, and I don't want to own a bird, and I'm like, yeah, like, they just live forever.
Bird, like, especially parrots, I think, like Amazon greys and stuff, I feel like live quite a while. Parrots and, like, tortoises, I'm like, you buy a tortoise, that is, that is a generational commitment. It's a generational thing, yeah.
There's also the thing, you know, I don't want to be ageist, but when you see a really- Here we go, here we go. I will be, and I have to be. I see it all the time walking. There's a guy in my neighborhood, a very old man who just lets his dog out off leash in front of his house. And his dog is not well trained. And this is an old man with mobility issues. And I just don't understand why he has a dog. I don't understand. In my mind, I'm like, okay, maybe someone, he inherited this dog. Maybe he didn't want this dog. Maybe it's just someone else couldn't take care of it and he had a house or something. But The dog comes at my dog sometimes when we're walking, we have to cross the street.
I'm playing a montage in my head of how much they mean to each other, him and this dog. I'm having a hard time.
It doesn't feel like they mean a lot to each other. But it's just like, I don't love seeing when a very old person has an animal that they can't take care of. It feels like a weird decision to be like, I'm 78, what about a puppy? I'm like, are you sure?
You got the energy for that, chief?
Well, in our ideal world, we'd be walking dogs for the elderly so they could have this animal companionship.
In my ideal world, the dogs, I would be turning the dogs on the elderly. I'd be taking the collar off and I'd be like, Schnell, you know, like go, feast. Did you just watch Kick-Ass 2?
You know what I've been doing that actually ended up working? It's funny, it's classic dog training stuff. It started as a joke and now it's real. To get Lou to sort of go after someone, I've been saying Dracarys and now she will go and start like licking them and go and like jump on them. Which is like the opposite of what I've been training her to do her whole life is to not do that to people. But every once in a while it's just funny to do that to Riley. If he's near Riley and he'd be like, don't, I'll be like, Dracarys.
Sometimes it is funny to teach your dog a thing that you shouldn't teach them. Unfortunately, it can be pretty funny to do that.
What's the, is it Stand By Me, Sick Balls? Is that? There's some, oh yeah, there's some like Junkyard Dog where it's like, we heard that old man Willikers taught him to sick balls or whatever. We don't have to dive into this.
Did you ever see Green Room, the horror film Green Room?
The best winning picture?
No, that's, that's, that's I honestly got Green Book and Green Room so much. You like talk to people and you're like, oh my god, Green Book was so good. And people are like, Green Book was so good? I'm like, yeah, Patrick Stewart, Nazis. Driving a musician around the south. Green Room was good, but they have like scary Nazi dogs that attack people. That's right, that's right.
We did this one, right? Comedic Currency?
Yeah, Funny Money. No, we didn't do it. I just got it really fast.
Well, that's where Monster University, of course, was. Booool School.
Is it Ghoul School? Ghoul School.
I do want to see a scene. I said Booool School. Which is nothing.
I was saying Booool School.
I'd like to see a scene. Erin and JPC, this is your freshman, your first day as a freshman at Ghoul School, and the two of you are moving into your dorms, first kind of meeting each other as roommates.
Yeah, so anyways, my dad is an under the bed monster. And my mom's a Karen. So I really have like, I think a lot of natural skill.
Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, that's, that's, that's really cool.
Um, you know, like, we're, we're mummies. We're mummies, like my family's mummies. Piss ghost. He's a piss ghost. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who said that?
Who said that? This is a bird monster. That's a bird monster. Can't lie.
Always tells the truth. So what did I say? Piss ghost? Yeah. So my family's piss ghosts.
Wait, are you one of those mummies where it's used toilet paper?
Yeah. People don't know this, but a lot of mummies use toilet paper in the modern age. It used to be mummies were just like bandages, obviously, but yeah. Yeah, so I am a mummy, but like... You're a toilet monster. Well, am I a toilet monster? Yeah, but that could be like kind of the scariest type of monster, too.
Like, you're the most vulnerable when... Hey man, we're gonna get along great here.
Hey, that bird really shut the fuck up, huh?
I'm gonna be a good roommate or whatever. He flew away, the bird flew away. We're Yeah, I can't help with that though. Like, when you see me around campus, like, I can't acknowledge you.
For sure. We cut to the second day.
You're fucking amazing. You're like a mommy but with toilet paper. You, honestly, me and every sorority on campus and fraternity, we've voted you king of the school.
That's actually my roommate. Huh? That's my roommate. I'm a monster with a carrot haircut.
Under the bed ass bitch? I don't know this fucking fugly ass monster. Honestly, it looks like a fucking under the bed monster. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, ch
That bird's gonna show up in every scene I do, huh? Every scene.
Hi, welcome to Jamba Juice, how can I help you? Not at Jamba Juice. It's like it's just a Trump bird.
A lot of people are saying, like you've never seen, in my defense, as JPC was starting his seed, his character was floundering to come up with what he was, and he looked at me and I was like, I think he might be asking for the bird. I think he might be asking for the bird. So I was like, let me do it once or twice and then immediately back off.
If he was asking for the bird, he'd go, ah, ah, ah, and put his finger out like a Disney princess.
To a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail. Oh, I know what this guy needs. He needs the bird.
My guy can't go without the bird. Is that a saying?
To the world? Yeah, yeah.
And there's cruder versions.
Let's take a break, and then we're going to come back with some more of Will Parsons' Hink Pinks, and then we're going to do something else. Okay.
Well, same thing. We're not going to change.
Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no.
Yes, exactly. No, all good, all good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcast here on HeadGum. This podcast is brought to you by SquareSpace.
SquareSpace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick-ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the internet, or you're like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.
I like that it's all in one place.
I like that I don't have to go around, you know, to like different stores or something. It's just all on my website.
Well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload the like... Yeah, no, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or like... No, it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please.
Yeah, so you can do all those things, photos, videos, changing fonts. I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. There are SEO tools, which I know what those are, and there are custom domains.
Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's see. I wonder if it exists.
www.friendsmeetingfriends.com That's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com slash headgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. When she said, I don't dance now, I make money moves, that was a mission statement for a whole new generation.
Respect, but that's not the Mount Rushmore. Listen, cash rules everything around me. When that line dropped, it changed the whole hustle. The greatest tracks are never finished. They're just debated forever. Introducing the Sprite Living Track List. 50 tracks that shaped the culture from six decades of hip-hop. Scan the QR code on a Sprite or Sprite Zero Sugar to see the full breakdown. Obey your thirst. Sprite.
All right, we are back from break. We drowned that bird in the bath. It took a while.
I kind of do miss the bird. I wasn't asking for it, but maybe now I'm thinking I was.
All right, I'll reanimate the bird.
Here are more of Will's hink pinks.
More of these? Goddamn, Will.
And he did this with his tired dad brain.
Will is using his tired dad brain for something good. I don't believe that I've put my tired dad brain to, like, a good use yet. Like writing a Hank Pink. I guess I've been writing a Jack Reacher novella, so maybe... Maybe it's all just shades of gray. Maybe it's all just shades of gray. But this is a great use of your dad brain. Thank you. Thank you, Will.
Fashionable sheep. Um... Coo you.
Okay, I'll accept it. It's not correct. Okay, sounds French. Sounds like school school. Cue you.
Yeah, Glam Ram. Piercing Crossroads.
Piercing crossroads. Crossroads? Uh, oof. Britney Spears.
Robert Johnson. Piercing crossroads. Is that like piercing like a shriek? No, like an earring. Like a sharp?
Okay, so prick. Pierced. Stick. What's crossroads? What's another word for crossroads? Intersection? But that seems too long.
That's a big-ass word. No, it's two syllables.
Street, it's a two-syllable.
Both of them are two syllables.
Intersection. Crossing. Can I get a hint on crossroads?
Like, think of when you're... This is a hint for the first word.
Okay, that's not what I asked for.
I know, but this is the one I can think of. Okay. Think of, like, medically something sharp.
But what would you call... Needle strudel.
No, like, yeah, but like, what that act, the act, like, what is that?
Shot? It's a... vaccine? Puncture? Puncture conjuncture.
Yeah, you guys got it. Puncture juncture. Agreeable ribbing.
Agreeable ribbing. Condom flondum.
Condom flondum. Condom flondum. This dessert sucks. What's in this? I'm eating it. What? This is a cooked condom.
Agreeable. Have you heard of baked Alaska? It's that but with a condom. It's baked Alaska butter condom.
Um, uh, roast? No. Agreeable ribbing?
I'd love to tell you about tonight's specials. Tonight's special is a condom. It is flambéed. It is absolutely horrible to eat.
Babe, what do you think? I have a second stomach. I could do dessert or we could walk and get ice cream.
Oh, we have ice cream. Do you, are you familiar with gelato? Yes. Gelato is ice cream with a higher percentage of milk fat. What we have is a wet condom. Why describe gelato?
High percentage of milk fat. You got my mouth ready for gelato.
Well, since your mouth is ready, can I interest you in a loose, dry condom?
If everyone's done with dinner, this may be kind of a... I want to say aperitif. What's the opposite of aperitif?
I said digestif. We have an espresso machine and a full espresso bar. I can present to you a long black, which is like an Americano, but with an Americano, it's water on top. And with a long black, it is a wet condom. We have a bottle of Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Skull Condom that has been triple filtered through a dingy condom.
I saw he was like touring with that and I was like this is a bit surely he's a comedian and then I was like oh no
No, I mean, I think there is no marker of success more in this world than having a vanity alcohol brand. Sure. I mean, you tell me someone with a vanity alcohol brand that's not successful. No way.
Gingy condom, new NA beer from JPC coming to shelves near you.
I've had Tom Holland's in a beer. It's called Bero, B-E-R-O. And it's very funny because Tom Holland doing like a lot of press for like the Odyssey, but also like shilling his like in it because you never, you constantly, it's like The Rock, you have to constantly be shilling your like, whatever, liquor brand. But it's like, I'm so excited to bring you the Odyssey on the big screen. And then also, I have a non-alcoholic beer that I sell. It's just like, what a weird shoehorn.
What if we made Hey Riddle Riddle brand condoms?
Yes. The condoms that are guaranteed to break. For all the tired dads out there, you're about to be a lot more tired, my man. Hey Ribble Ribble?
Hey Ribble Ribble? Come on, cook it, cook it, Adal, you got it!
Come on, Adal, please! Hey Ribbed Rib.
Breaks my leg on the landing. Hey Ribble Ribble. I love it. Yeah. Ribbled for your pleasure. And there's, it's almost like, um... Your pleasure?
It's like the old good humor sticks where it's like when you eat the ice cream bar, there's a joke on there or whatever.
There's a riddle on the... They're rimmed in the inside, Aaron. You think you're wearing the condom inside out, but the rims feel great.
Okay, yeah, so there's a riddle in every condom.
But it doesn't show up unless it has cum in it. It's like invisible ink. Everyone dove away from their mic. All of a sudden I start talking about common condoms and I'm insane over here. He's been serving us condoms for like 45 minutes. He's the worst waiter I've ever had.
I'm gonna get the scientists back at home quarters to like start whipping it up. It's invisible ink, but it only works for cum. We have that.
We've had that technology for years. We were just embarrassed to show it.
We've never had a use for it until now. I honestly thought, I honestly thought from like, I don't know, like 90s standup or just like, like 90s, 2000s movies that like buying condoms would be like a more embarrassing, you know, it's like, can we get a price check on the condoms? You know, but it's like, you know, every time I've ever purchased condoms, which has been a while, but you know, you just, you go and then you buy the condoms and you leave. Oh buddy, I'm sorry. Yeah, I know.
I think I've only bought condoms.
Oh, you're married. That's right.
Eight times in my life. And each time I was quite nervous.
I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Because for women, they're like.
How are you going to use this? Yeah, they sneeze. They go, slut!
How are you going to use this? Are you going to use it to make your house a home? Make a sandwich?
Did you do the thing where you had to buy other things with the condoms? You're like, yeah, some of that rope and a knife. And duct tape.
Do you have condoms as well? My good man, what are these? Condoms. I'll try one of those. And a hostess. What are these? Hostess cakes. And a condom.
No, I go up and I go up to the guy and I go, do these work on super tight pussies? And then I wink with both my eyes.
A blink. Oh, fuck. I blinked. Fuck. That's why they don't get it. Oh, man. Oh, man.
I'll have a box of your smallest condoms. You know what? Double it.
And give it to the next guy.
And give it to the next guy. Hey, I want to pay it forward to this guy behind me. So, medium size? No, no, no. Two boxes of the smallest. Two of the smallest.
And your biggest tampon, smallest condoms.
To stay. Do you guys do dine-in condoms?
What were we talking about? Condoms! Agreeable ribbing.
Oh yeah, that's right. Agreeable. Jibe, vibe, jibe. Oh, I love that.
What should this episode be called? Condom, don't... Condom nation.
Flondam. Condom nation. Condom flondam.
Ribbing, I think of like roast or like a... Yeah, ribbing is like making fun of someone. Making fun.
Ribbing... But another way of saying... Tease?
Yeah. Tease. What was the first part? Agreeable? Agreeable. Please tease?
Pleasing teasing. I'd like to see a scene. Oh, I love pleasing teasing. That's fun.
You guys are like at a fancy 1800s like gentlemen's club and you are starting to tease each other and you're actually finding it quite funny to have someone sort of joke about you.
Oh my, my, my. Well, well, well.
Was the pantaloon maker asleep when he
You've become quite mischievous. Oh yes, I've had two shandies and so I feel a little fresh.
Carlisle, I do feel like the horse that you rode in today, I feel like that horse had a hide that should stay hidden.
I'm not the one who said that. He said it with his own voice. So I did say it, and the parrot's been very funny, and I wanted to get in on it, because it's been kind of riding around roasting people, which is what gave me Montgomery, the idea to give you a little bit of a- Talk about my pantaloons. Pantaloon roast, yes. Speaking of, that shirt has so many ruffles, I thought it was made by the Frito-Lay Corporation. What the fuck am I doing? A brand new corporation! A brand new corporation!
Carlisle's not actually rich, ruff! He stole an ID card to get in here, ruff!
I guess I did steal an ID card. As a local mortician, that seems a little scandalous, I guess. But also, speaking of scandalous, that cravat, we should drop in a cravat of acid.
Montgomery has two kids stacked on top of each other.
We are not... We are not kids. Please do not remove our coat.
What were we fucking talking about? Condoms! Come on! Blushing friend.
Blushing Friend, Shy Guy, Rosie Josie. If you have a friend named Josie.
She has a histamine intolerance and so her cheeks get red.
Blushing Friend, Pal, Amigo, Buddy, Ruddy Buddy. Oh my god, I had a Ruddy Buddy in the 80s. Did anyone else have one of those? The Ruddy Buddy with peanut butter? Yeah! It was a doll covered in peanut butter. Dogs loved it. You could not order a Ruddy Buddy if you also had a child in the house. A child and a dog. Just a mess. Matted hair everywhere. Ruddy Buddy.
Ruddy's not a word I feel like anyone uses anymore. No.
Yeah. I think for good reason. Yeah. Good Ruddy's.
I could not get that one when I was scrolling through these and like testing myself on them before I read them out loud. That one escaped me.
That's what, hold on, I'll have it. That's what Jon Hamm has. As someone who blushes, it is the worst to have your cheeks give you away. I just also have a face that I can't hide anything on.
It's just everything I'm feeling shows, but I hate blushing. It's the worst.
I'm At the beginning of the game, Cylon cards are dealt out. If you're a Cylon, you're trying to sabotage the whole game. And in the middle of the game, more cards are dealt out, so you could become a Cylon in the middle of the game. Like an activated agent, yeah. And it's a deceit and bluffing game. We played this game probably 50 times. Mike never got to be a Cylon. He was always a human. And one time we were playing, we dealt out the loyalty cards in the second round. Mike looked at his loyalty card, and then he turned bright red. Oh, no. That sucks. Red like a thousand suns, and we were all like, Mike.
We're like, Mike. Buddy. Buddy.
You go in the airlock. Like we put you in the airlock. And he's like, I'm not. And we're like, you've given it all away. You're dead. You're a robot. You're trying to kill us. We got to put you in the airlock.
It's like playing poker with someone who looks at their lips when they have a good hand and it's like, buddy.
I felt so bad for him. He just had never had the opportunity. So he had no, everyone else had all the time in the world to practice.
It's because they want to eat their good cards.
Erin and Adal, you guys are playing poker. It's like a high stakes, you know, high stakes poker game. But both of you just got dealt delicious hands and you just want to eat your cards.
All right, Blofield, I raise you 20 grand.
I raise you... I'm thinking about... I raise you three musketeers.
No, I raise you like a chocolate cake with like a warm glaze over it.
Gentlemen, you must actually withdraw money in this deal.
The people known for the best chocolate?
I would love like a duck. Like a roasted duck with potatoes on the side.
Like a duck with a chocolate glaze. I'm just running this game at the table. I'm not awake yet.
You're wearing the hat. You're wearing the hat.
My nephew gave me this duck chef hat. He told me he wanted me to wear it to work because he misunderstood what I do for work.
My cards are good. My cards are really good.
It cuts the 20 minutes ago when they're smoking a pole outside together. Cuts back.
I have a queen with a three, which is like a queen with a tray, like a waiter.
Don't say what cards you have. Oh, it's fine. It's a full house. It's very bad to do in Boca. Huh?
Why? We're all just thinking.
I have um, like all of mine are like the royal cards and olives olives and a martini. Oh my god That sounds so good, but they're all our hearts and all the royal ones.
Do you want to maybe order Mr. Bond a signature martini?
James, James, shouldn't you get one of those like Valentine's box of chocolates and then share it?
Oh my god, first name Oblofield, absolutely.
Okay. Can we get, and then, okay, so let's do, and honestly, martinis, old fashioned. I think I'm old fashioned. Martinis, I'm getting so tired of them because they're so cold. Please. They're so cold. They're very cold, yes.
Oh, maybe like a warm cider with like a whiskey in it.
Oh my god, dang. Remember that high C that was like Slimer? Like the Slimer from Ghostbusters where it was like... That sounds so... It was like electro... What was that called?
Squeeze it! Squeeze it! We're gonna go to Cheesecake Factory. Bring that girl that you're seeing. She's got a pussy name.
What is her, um, double pussy? What is her name? Double a pussy? Her name is Breast Jones and she's being way off.
Breast Jones. Now there's a breast of fresh air.
007 will return in Breast of Fresh Air. Ian Fleming phoning it in. I don't know. Breast McKenzie? That's a Breast of A for Success.
At one of the Comedy Bang Bang Live shows I did, Will Hines, who's the best, he's so sweet and so funny, he played his noir detective. Who gets really great acting jobs in order to solve mysteries. Boobs Rinse. Boobs Rinse is his name. Which is such a fucking funny fake name. But any time one of us said it, he would laugh out loud. He laughed out loud every time. Like he forgot the name? So we'd be like, so Boobs, what do you think? And he's like, hee hee!
Everyone's saying Boobs Rinse!
It seems like what Scott does to Will Hines, which it doesn't seem like he really does to anyone else, is no matter what premise Will Hines brings in, Scott does not let him get to it at all. He'll just like, he'll just make up something else about him and focus on that. Like Will Hines will bring in a premise, but it just, he won't let him do it. He won't let him live in the premise. I don't know where Boobs, I can't remember where Boobs Rinse came from, but it's very much that thing of like, Good luck.
And Will Hines told him a different character that he was doing and then Will panicked backstage and was like, the fog machine's broken. I'm gonna make it all about the fog. And it was so funny. But Scott was like, Will!
You gotta tailor it to the live show experience. Do we have more?
We do. We have a few more.
Prepared pasta. Cooked noodle pasta penne. This could be a lot of things. Okey dokey. Already joking? Prepared pasta. Served. Plated.
I don't know how you haven't gotten this yet, JBC.
Spaghetti that's ready. Ready spaghetti. Ready spaghetti.
Dinosaur. Oh, can I tell you something fun that my kid does? So we'll go out and we'll be like in like a store or something checking out of the grocery store and people will ask my kid a question and they, without fail, always start to tell them about Spaghetti, which is our dog, but they'll just be like, Spaghetti, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they'll be like, oh, Spaghetti. And I have to be like, the dog's name. The dog's name is Spaghetti.
But I do love like... I played with Spaghetti today and I'm like, uh-huh.
I'm not getting kicked out of this restaurant. That's happening to some other guy in a dream.
Just dodging accountability. Spaghetti Bert.
Spaghetti shit on the couch.
Okay. You know what I think about all the time is your kid throwing up and being so confused.
What happened to my grapes and my blueberries? What happened to my grapes and my blueberries?
Oh, it's so sad. It's me. Dinosaur kidnapper.
Stegosaurus, dinosaur kidnapper, T-Rex, Velociraptor. It's taken but it's capital T hyphen. Yeah. Love. Is this a specific type of dinosaur?
Did he not have the right one just then? What did you say? I was blacking out.
I don't know what I said. Velociraptor.
Oh, you're close. Oh, raptor-captor.
Raptor-captor. Raptor-captor.
I'd like to see a scene. Okay. Adal will have you be a kidnapper.
Okay, be careful because raptors are birds.
Okay, well I'll be very careful.
And you did drown my character.
You're going to be a kidnapper, and JPC, you're going to be a dinosaur in the back of a car, trying to figure out like, if you're being, like why, why you're getting kidnapped.
Got it, and I'm a dinosaur, got it.
And you're trying to like appeal to his human side.
Alright, alright, stay down, stay low, stay low. Ow, it's hard to do. I'm like six and a half feet tall. Yeah, yeah. We all are, buddy. We all are. No. Your dad's got money, right?
You're saying you're six and a half feet tall?
Yeah, sure. Somewhere up there.
Uh, okay. You must slouch.
Okay, I'm 5'11 soaking wet. But listen, your dad's got money, right?
I thought, uh... He's a dinosaur. What would he need money for?
I don't know. I thought dinosaurs, you know, were wealthy creatures. You've been around for so long. Wealthy creature? Oh. Yeah, your bones go for so much.
Honey, no, no. I'm a lab-grown dinosaur.
Yeah. Like a cubic zirconia?
No, that's a real, right? That's a real rock. It's just not a diamond.
It's like a lab grove diamond, right?
Alright, we're at the checkpoint here in Canada. If you're going to cross the border, we're going to have to look in your car. Let's see.
Oh, puts on hat and sunglasses. Me and my nephew... Um... What are you soaking wet?
Are you 5'11"? Thank you.
Yeah, I'd say 6'1", but... Why are you so wet? Oh, we were just, we were just at a pool. Pool? Paul. Paul. You and your nephew? Hustling people.
Hustling people. A la Color of Money.
Thank you for your honesty. People lie to me all day, every day. And it just starts to wear on us.
Alright, well human goodbye. Human goodbye.
Oh, human goodbye. Hey, hey. Yeah, human goodbye. Fuck, we really connected with this guy.
And a human thank you from me to you.
I love trying to breeze past something, and the person's like, you made my day. Finally, someone is treating me like a person.
You're going to break his trust in people forever. Forever. There's one more from Will, and then we'll call it a day.
All right, that's it. Anything to plug?
All right, Breast Condom. Breast Condom.
Burn her bones. It's a condom.
Adele has to sing breast condom. Can I sit this one out? We signed on for three movies. We need you to sing breast condom out there Adele.
Um, I, you know what I saw last night that was so good and I don't know where you can see it but I'm sure it's somewhere.
A condom for a breast. Titillating. They brought back Connor? Can we just spend some time doing that?
You're the one who said we were running out of time! Oh my god, if we had started with that we could have done a whole episode of that and now it's too late. There's a dead bird in the tub. Horrifying. We've run out of time to do anything fun.
It's my fucking tub too. I have to say, that was the best condom I've ever had.
Who are other people who played James Bond?
Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig, something Dalton, George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore. Um, soon to be... We don't know?
We're breaking the news here on Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh, you know what I saw last night that was so good? What? Is Sand, the improv team. Oh, I love Sand. Mike Brunlieb was on the show recently.
Yeah, yeah. Patreon episode.
Sand is, and I know that it's just the best impromptu when we talk about them all the time, and Adal you coach them, but like I just, I hadn't seen a Sand show in so long, and it was so fearless and cool and creative, and if you are an improviser in Chicago, I would go out of your way to try to see a show. I think you'd find it very inspiring. Adal, anything to plug or promote?
Um, right around now, I think the new season of Hole from the Magic Tavern is out. So please check that out.
And how does it compare to Sugar Season 2?
I would say... That's a bad question. That's so unfair. Just as many humans featured, if that makes sense.
It's a lot about how Chant hasn't had a cheeseburger. Interesting. You should make that a whole season for Chant.
It's my season arc. Yeah. JPC, anything to plug or promote? A brushed condom.
Lucky I brought my chicken penis Conte. I can cut him off. I can cut him off. Hot dogs!
Breast cotton chicken penis Conte.
What are you trying to say?
That can't be what you're trying to say.
Surely that man didn't say chicken penis Conte. Hey there, ones and percents. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. Our buddy Harrison Lott stops by to take you to a billionaire retreat. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.
That was a hate gun podcast.