Which Riddle Riddle?

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Good news, Adal JPC. I need to do one more episode and then I've earned my riddle badge.

Oh, Erin, congratulations.

Thank you. I got this one for helping an old lady cross the street. I got this one for learning how to climb a tree. And now I just have a spot ready for riddles.

And then once you get this, Erin, you... I'm so sorry. I know I should take more of an interest in your social hobbies, but what is it you become? You become a... Certified witch. Oh, Erin. Congratulations. You've been searching for that for so long.

I know. I get to finally put curses on you guys if you wrong me in any sort of way.

Aw, alright. Oh, Erin, just to make sure, real quick. When you helped an old lady cross the street, it wasn't like a Mrs. Doubtfire situation, right?

What do you mean? You think it was my dad?

If it was like a guy trying to win back his kids, it doesn't count. Yeah.

It doesn't count?

Yeah. And then you can never be a witch. Yeah.

Okay, what about me climbing a tree? It was kind of a Mrs. Doubtfire situation when I did that.

Well, I'll just say, Erin, I don't know your specific situation. It's happened to me a bunch of times. I wouldn't put this on you. But if you climbed a person wearing a tree costume that you thought was a tree, that's not going to count for much.

OK, I'm going to throw my sash into the garbage. All right, guys. That's fine. I don't even care.

And we technically don't even do riddles on this podcast. We just do jokes. So it's like you can't really get a riddle badge for this podcast either.

I don't even care. That's fine.

Me at my desk seeing Erin throw her sash in the garbage. One good deed, something, something. You've done it, Erin. My boy, you've done it.

The factory is yours. No, it's too late. I don't care. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Let's do an episode.

Oh yeah, let's do an episode. And who better to do an episode with but the Soccer Moms themselves.

We were so excited that our tongues fell out and we had to put them back in. We could really use someone who could help us and get a badge for it, but I guess that won't happen. Oh, it's too late. It's too late.

Erin already has her Tonguing a Woman badge.

I got that in college.

Who didn't? Spinning a cigar. The little badge just has like a cherry stem with a knot in it.

Guys, thank you for coming to the show. This is a huge honor to have you. We've had you before, but to have you on together is very meaningful to me. I'm very happy to have you.

We're so happy. Holly and I have gotten to a point where we don't want to do anything not together. So thank you for acknowledging and adhering to that.

Yeah, we've planned a whole strategy on how to cheat today, but it requires both of us. It's kind of like a card counting thing, but it works for riddles.

Unfortunately, there's no visual, but there's some blinking. There's some Morse code blinking, sort of like the torture guy. We all know the torture guy.

I feel like you guys are going to be the first to hack the show. We have never had riddle card counters on before, so this is going to be really exciting.

If there's anything that Holly and I are good at, it's not doing the job but working hard to do the thing to help us not do the job.

Cutting a corner and it's a longer route.

Correct. We would rather walk three miles than the five minutes it takes.

Here's my, and I'm not trying to cast accusations, my guess is that one of you distracts us with a personal anecdote while the other one Googles the answer to the riddle.

Okay, we're going to have to come up with something else. Shoot. Wow, that's what he got there right in the first try.

Yes, we're going to play fair for one of the first times in our lives. Although I am using a dog as well to help, to distract. We have a phone-a-dog. Yeah, we have a phone-a-dog. But it's wonderful to be here. We just, we adore you guys and yeah. Thank you.

If people haven't heard your past episodes, could you guys talk about your time in Chicago together and how you met?

We met through the sacred act of improv, Chicago improv scene, through our patron saint Sharna Halpern.

I pray to her every night.

Every night. Yeah, Holly and I have known each other for an embarrassingly long time. And then we both got the honor of doing the main stage at Second City together. And we were the only two women, which never really happens. It was just, we were too much women for, they had two black cast members. And then they were like, well, then we can't have more than, you know, two women. Noah's Ark style.

Noah's Ark style, two by two.

A thousand percent. And we kind of went through like 20 years of friendship in like two years because we were just always together in a small space. And like we went through all the fights and the things and everything that you would go through in 20 years of friendship. And so now we're just kind of the same person.

Family, yeah. Now we're just family. Now we're just like a real functional family. Who's ever heard of one of them?

And so we haven't been able to live in the same city for a while. And so we wanted to do a project that would be an excuse for us to kind of be together and not have to act too much. And so we created Soccer Moms, where we play We're fictional versions of ourselves that are very rooted in ourselves. We are two best friends—shocking—who have children. That's the stretch.

That's fiction.

Who play in youth sports, and the games are so boring that they've decided to start a podcast in their minivan. And that is the basis of it, and it sort of is two types of—we sometimes do straight interviews with people I'm

I was like, I did this.

If you wish hard enough, a podcast exists. Well, we can't wait to have you all on. And yeah, we got some big folks coming up. Big guests, not in size, but in stature. Who's your tallest guest? That's a great question.

Because we just had Ross Bryant on a different show of ours and I gotta say… We've had Ross.

I think Ross… Fuck! God damn it! We've had Ross. Ross is probably the tallest. Ross makes me feel normal sized because I'm very tall. How tall are you? I'm 5'10", but I usually wear something with a little bit of oomph to it, so I'm usually about 6 feet.

5'10 with a cape.

5'10 with a cape, yes sir. Yes sir. I think Ross probably, right? That's the tallest.

Who's the tallest person we've ever had? I don't know.

We just had Ashlyn Harris. How is she? She's like, she's almost six feet tall.

Yeah. The goalkeeper for the women's team, Ashlyn Harris. Very, very cool. Very hot.

So yeah, so it was basically just our excuse to get to be with each other a lot. It's on Big Money Players Network on iHeart, which is Will Ferrell's network. And yeah, we have been having such a great time.

It's the best. I implore people to check it out. And we normally do plugs at the end, but I wanted you guys to talk about it right at the beginning. Because people have, like when I get asked about, and I've gushed to you guys about it, so I'm just going to talk about you like you're not here. But when I get asked about like big influences, Katie and Holly have my like favorite Second City scene of all time. Is it a student and a teacher or a guidance counselor and a teacher? Yeah, that it's the best. And then you guys came and did a two-person show at IO when I was a student. And I truly like in a daze catatonically on the train the whole ride home was like, something has changed. I know, I know something has happened to me and I know who I'm trying to be.

That sounds like the beginning of a musical number, Erin.

Yeah, I made the whole train car sing with me and they were furious. I thought you were going to say...

You got your first period that night.

So when you look at him now, does your period go back? Oh yeah. Go back up. It just completely, it comes out my mouth. I get like, I just start throwing up blood. Something definitely comes out my mouth when I see him now. I went to the roast of Tom Brady because my friend was a producer on it, and I hadn't seen him since I was in the third grade in person at that Patriots parade, and I went, oh man, you were handsome once, and now you look like a scary marionette puppet.

It's tough. It's real tough what he's done to himself. And, you know, he's literally, it pains me to say, but he is the greatest of all time. And he still had to do that to himself. So what hope? Remember when Halle Berry got cheated on? I was like, there's no hope for any of us. You just got to like who you are and accept it.

We'll be right back. That's a thing we do every week. We have a Chump of the Week.

In 1994.

Yeah, you can get Chump of the Week for stuff that you did in the 90s, for sure. We're not—your crimes follow you here on Harry Potter.

I love retroactive Chump-ness. Right, it's not a linear thing.

No.

It exists outside of time.

Definitely. Okay, we're all saying the same thing. We all agree. We're all on the same page, and so let's get even further on the same page by doing some riddles? Huh? How does that sound?

Very nervous.

Katie, Holly, we've had you both on the show before, but separately. Katie, we were looking at this before we started recording. We had you on almost two years ago, and Holly, it's been five years since you've been on the show. So, in the last two for Katie, five for Holly, has your relationship with Riddles changed at all?

Well, COVID didn't help.

Yep.

And you came on post-COVID already.

I believe you came on in 2024, but COVID didn't help with that.

Yeah, COVID didn't do shit for my appearance last time. And that was like the height of COVID.

It's 2021, I believe, yes.

I will say that I came on feeling like I'm somebody who enjoys a riddle. I did pretty well when I was reading The Hobbit of what has he got in his pocketses. I'm probably going to be all right. And then what I learned in that post-COVID appearance on Hey Riddle Riddle is that I started acting like my microphone wasn't working so that you would think that was why I didn't ever have any answers.

That's great news because I think that today's riddles are going to kind of just ease you back in.

Now these are submitted by a listener. This is a listener whose name is Kathleen and Kathleen is in Calgary.

Okay. Kathleen wrote us also a very nice note that said that she started listening to the show when her first child was born, and now her first child is seven. And she lets that child listen to the show.

Hang up the phone. I don't want to think about that.

Just kind of rough stuff. Okay, so here's your first riddle. This is a riddle from Kathleen. When is your uncle's sister not your aunt? When she's your mom? Adal, it is when she is your mom.

That is correct.

I do want to see a scene.

Adal's just a stud.

I do want to see a scene. Is everyone familiar with the Jack Nicholson story?

No. There's many.

Of his parentage. Katie, totally fair.

He got points for being the Joker, right? Like he took merch points?

Yeah. He made like 250 million off Batman, which is true. He found out at some point that his mom was his sister and his grandma was his mom. Oh, I thought that was very common of his era. Oh, yeah. We've lost that.

We've lost that tradition.

That whimsy of, oh, Sarah's upstate, and when she comes back, I've had a new kid. So I'd like to see a scene, let's say that Holly, you are sitting Erin down to let her know that you are not her real mom, that Katie is her real mom. And Katie, you can be whoever you like.

Darling, I went to the hostess outlet today, so I've got fresh boxes of whatever you like. I got Ho-Hos, Twinkies, Ding Dongs. I even got you some oatmeal pies. Mom, you never let me have dessert like this.

What's going on? Do you have bad news? Are you okay?

But I didn't stick around to do the math. I just started filling up my cart. And for the life of me, I could not remember what's your favorite or is it these are the cherry pies? Is it these? I'm a Twinkie gal.

You're a Twinkie. The entire dining room is filled. Mom, are these guilt desserts?

What's going on? These are love desserts because I love you so much. I want you to have a little pleasure. I know you like to pull your Twinkie into two and make two little Twinkie boats instead of one Twinkie log. So here you go. Here, you have one little... Margaret, is that my cue? Come on in. Come on in. Come on in, Diane. Oh, hi, Diane.

Oh, hey. Hey, sport.

Babe, Diane... in the comments.

I'm I just want to tell you, Diane's usually on the 4th of July.

Well, you know how, honey, you know how, um, when all the, um, when all the- Stop shoving Twinkies in my mouth. Mom, please.

I'm sorry.

I'll eat them at my own pace. I want you to know, do you remember in Star Wars, um, when all the Jedi ships, you know, when Luke is like racing toward the Death Star and all the Stormtrooper ships are following him and he's going towards the Death Star? It's so much like what happens in a woman's reproductive system. A little fleet of tiny ships are headed toward a big Death Star.

And you know... Is this a birds and the bees conversation? Because mom, I know all of this. I went through health class. You do. Okay. About the sperm fertilizing the egg. Yeah, I know. Gross. I don't want to talk in front of weird firework Diane. Sorry. I'm not supposed to be. It's my... change my name.

You got to call me what you know. It's my legal name. I just wanted to tell you that basically there's never been a fleet of Jedi ships or Stormtrooper ships heading toward my Death Star. But Diane has. In fact, just like that one Jedi did get in and blow up the Death Star, same thing happened to Diane's egg.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a Boba Fett.

Diane's pregnant. Okay. Not anymore, hon. Not anymore. But I was. I was. I got ripped up pretty bad. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, you know how it's real hard for you to find hats? Yeah, classically I have a really hard time finding hats. Yeah, well, that's not a coincidence. It's correlation. I'm I'm And your friend, I guess you're her friend now? I don't know what we would call you.

We'll be friends forever. We're a chosen family.

Weird Firework Diane's my mom. Is Dad my dad?

I'm still your dad.

I'm still your dad.

See?

She's been sitting there the whole time.

Just nodding. Just nodding the entire time. Star Wars, yes. Two things.

Two things real quick. I never realized sperm and stormtroopers are both little white guys. And then also, I really like the idea, I've never heard before, log or little boats. Like, when your Twinkie is little boats or a log, I think that's phenomenal.

It's so fun to pull them apart and then you get the feeling like you got to eat two instead of one.

Yes.

And all the frosting is out. And so you get to, but you know what was driving me crazy? What are those storm tripper ships called with the flat sides that, what are those called? Tie Fighters.

Oh, Tie Fighters.

Bow Tie Fighters.

Everyone here's had sex. Look at all these improvisers.

Tie Fighters. Tie Fighters. It's a Tie Fighter. Yeah.

I hate how when you're having sex and you're about to land the killing blow and then the Millennium Falcon swoops in there and then takes it from you. It's like, God, every time!

Been there.

Here's your next riddle. What is black when new, red when in use, and gray when discarded? Oh, when new. When new it is black, it is red when it is in use, and it is gray when discarded. Here's another one that will help warm the rest of your brain completely over. My first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete. And so remains until my first and second meet. What am I?

Is that describing the word or the object?

Say it again.

My first is half of anything. My second is in itself complete, and so remains until my first and second meet. What am I?

Is it something like the moon? I gotta be honest with you. You know when they look into Homer Simpson's brain and it's just like a panda with symbols in black and white? Sure. That's what's going on right now, gang. But the symbols are two Twinkie boats. It's Homer Simpson's brain and it's a turducken. It's a turducken of unoriginal comedy thoughts, which is basically all I am at this point.

I'm more Simpsons quote than person at this point.

A word that means half of anything, basically. It's a tough word to put it.

50%.

It's not 50%. This is a compound word, I would say, the answer to this. So it's like, my first is half of anything, my second is in itself complete. That's its own full word.

Part.

Wedge.

Um, no, I'm trying to think of, I'm honestly trying to think of a clue to give you and I'm like, I'm, I've got Homer Simpson's symbol brain trying to think of like what clue could get you to this.

Yeah, I'm thinking of Katie thinking of Homer. Yeah.

Just, just, just to kind of clear out the cobwebs. Yeah. What's everyone's favorite Simpsons quote? Just to get it out there.

The one that I say the most?

Yeah.

Well, it has changed now that it's the World Cup. So now it's, uh, Ariaga, Bariaga, Ariaga 2, Arugula, and Sozza. But it's, uh, the one I say the most is, uh, nuts to this, I'm going to the movies.

The one that sticks with me the most is I believe it's Chief Wiggum, I probably will butcher it because I'm not good at exact words, but it's I think Snake is like escaping and he goes, I'd rather watch a thousand guilty men run away than chase after them. I love that.

That's awesome.

Mine used to be where Milhouse's dad is like, I have a race car bed. Do you sleep in a race car? I need a big bed with my wife. That used to be it. But I think my all-time favorite might be Lionel Hutz, where I think Marge is walking and he goes, if you lived here, you'd be home now. Which I think is just great.

I think that one all the time. The one I quote the most is, I'm in danger, I think. I'm in danger. That lasted since childhood.

What's mine, Katie? Can I tell you what I think yours is? And I think it's a recent one. I think it's, and here come the pretzels.

Oh, at the free pretzel night?

Free pretzel night. And here come the pretzels.

Awesome. I was trying to think if any of those words you said would land on an answer here, but none of you mentioned this.

So it was a futile exercise?

Well, not quite, Katie, because I used that little exercise to Google the answer and what I found is answer not found.

You stole Holly and I's little... You stole our cheat. So it's a thing that means half?

Yeah, so the second word is in itself complete. You would say that this comes full... Fully cooked. Circle. Shout out to all those poor people listening to this who knew it right away and just were screaming Wheel of Fortune style at their... And shout out to our rich listeners as well. We care about you, not just the poor ones.

The rich ones matter.

And for our middle class listeners, we're sorry you're disappearing so quickly.

It's tough.

Sorry about the price of eggs and gas. Okay, here's your next one. We'll do one more. This will get you fully warmed up, then we'll take a break, you'll cool the fuck off, and we'll be absolutely screwed for the second half of the show. I have neither bones nor spine, yet I can carry fire upon my head. What am I?

Prometheus, my dear sir.

Torch is good, Prometheus is even better. I'm

Katie, you are a bed and breakfast owner, and it's a very spooky kind of haunted bed and breakfast, and you greet your guests by like kind of old-timey candlelight. And we'll have Adal and Holly be two people who are checking in.

Honey, this is wild. I'm already spooked. I love being scared.

I know. This is so fitting for October. Hi. My champagne flute exploded.

I know. I'm sorry. I will say I have the thing that RFK Jr. has. So that's why I have this spasmodic diaphragm issue. So I'm not trying to be creepy.

Welcome! Thank you. We're the Richardsons. It's our honeymoon. Oh, what a wonderful choice.

Breakfast is at midnight.

Oh no, that's gonna be an adjustment.

Welcome to There's coffee always available, but never the milk you want. Oh no.

Oh Daphne, are you going to be okay?

Daphne, ooooh. She's sensitive about her. That was my mother's name. Oh really? Oh my gosh. Wow. I never met her.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Wow. Because you died or she died?

Oh, you'll find out when you check out on time at 11.

There's probably some wiggle room, right? Like if I call and say, can you push it back?

It depends on if we have more guests. Will you be consummating the marriage tonight?

I guess that depends on midnight breakfast. Yeah, yeah, if we can. I don't want to get too full, you know.

I understand. Well, we also have a pool. Oh, wonderful. Yes, it's not chlorinated.

Oh, it's salt water? Even better. Yes. Wonderful. Well, I hear we have a heat wave coming, so that'll be nice. Oh, yes, but it never gets hot in here. Oh wow, earwigs came out when she coughed.

Welcome to the Maplewood B&B. How can I help you guys? Who are you chatting with? Are you on the phone?

Oh, oh, we were just, wait, where'd she go? Daphne, where'd she go?

I met my daughter.

What time is breakfast?

Breakfast is at midnight. Checkout is 11am on the dot. There's no flexibility. And we do have a saltwater pool. Will you be consummating your marriage here tonight?

I do love a hotel being like, and will you be consummating your marriage?

Why did the hotel ask us if we'd be consummating our marriage if they didn't do anything special? I said yes.

I would think it would be to let housekeeping know. Yeah.

Yeah.

Let the cleaning crew know. Right?

Yeah.

They'll need to come check the sheets and make sure. Check the cum. Check the cum. Check the cum.

Check the cum. Always leave a tip for your housekeeper when you go, even if you didn't get housekeeping services, you have to.

Even if you didn't cum.

Even if you don't cum all over, even if you don't consummate your marriage, you can still, they still appreciate it. I can make oil boil, what am I?

Speaking of bees, we will be right back after this quick break. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey everybody, it's JPC and I want to talk to you about Squarespace. It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And if you're anything like me, you think, man, the internet is a scary place. There's just so much on it. How do I stand out online and do something that really helps people? Well, maybe you want to start a website like should a human being eat cat food if they're really hungry and there's no other food around.com. Before you can start something like that, you're going to want to use Squarespace. They got Squarespace domains. Every dream needs a domain. Squarespace domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees or add-ons required. And then every Squarespace domain comes with advanced privacy and security included to ensure your domain remains online and protected. Plus, Squarespace provides everything you need to bring more of your dream to life. Hey Riddle Riddle. I know what you're thinking, how are people even going to find my good idea about whether I should eat cat food if I'm really hungry? Well, Squarespace has SEO tools so you can get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more so you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. These are people who are searching for should they eat cat food if they are Hey guys, can't talk long. A very crazy week. I've got about 60 seconds to hang out with you guys. I'm really on the go this time of the year. Okay, we don't have to talk. I just want to kind of spend our minute hanging out cuddling if everyone's cool with that.

Yeah, I'll be the big spoon as per usual. You know what's been helping me so much this week guys? Having my Tempo meals. Tempo delivers fresh, chef-created, dietician-approved meals right to your door.

Well, Erin, sweetie, that's, and let me just snuggle in between here. That's the thing is, with Tempo, each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast, without, you know, like, sad podcast studio lunch or, like, drive-thru regret. Mm-hmm.

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Sharapova, you're snuggling us too? Don't say a word.

Don't say a word. It's really nice to see you.

Don't say anything.

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Take it.

Unless did you? No, no, no, it sounds like an important call.

Oh my god guys. I just got I The best follow-up from Rocket Money. They just canceled one of my subscriptions and I didn't even have to do it They did it for me

You guys talk about Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings, right? Yeah. I wish I was using Rocket Money. I wouldn't have to steal some ketchup from restaurants.

Oh, that's... Oh, I didn't realize. I can lend you money. Yeah.

No, I mean, you don't have to do that. I would appreciate it. I mean, it's been tough times.

Yeah. I'm just a little flush right now because Rocket Money, like we said, can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones within the app with a few taps, saving users over $880 million in canceled subscriptions. That's a lot. Not that I have $880 million, but let's just say I'm doing pretty well.

I've been using Rocket Money way before they were even a sponsor of the show. It is so good for my brain. If you're like me and you're a little disorganized, it's all color-coded. You can set up budgets for yourself. You can consolidate checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give yourself a clear view of your financial picture so you don't get surprised by anything. There's no little dark corners in your bank account anymore. You know exactly what's going on and exactly where your money's going.

Well, Rocket Money also lists used automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequencies for a set-it-and-forget-it approach. So if I wanted 100 pounds of ketchup and 100 pounds of salt by tomorrow, all I have to do is, oh, save that much salt and ketchup. Okay!

Excuse me, it's me, the maitre d'. Uh-oh. I just wanted to confront you and say, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle.

JBC stole all this ketchup. Hmm.

Rocket Money, leave your prosthetic hands at home because you won't, you're going to have enough salt and ketchup at home that you don't need prosthetic hands at a restaurant. Rocket Money. Alright, we're back, and we're back with more riddles. Here's your next one. I am a word that means to be by oneself, and if you subtract two letters from me, I still have no company. What am I?

I know it, but I'm gonna wait.

Oh, Erin.

Oh, it's Alone.

Take away two letters, Al. If your name is Al, you're probably divorced.

Maybe.

Was Al the neighbor on Home Improvement? No. Al Borland, yeah. Yes. Right? No. Al Borland was the guy. Fuck. He was the co-host. Doesn't make any sense.

So you guys are straight, is what that conversation answered.

Katie, if I may, rah, rah, rah, rah.

Did the neighbor, who's the neighbor without a face? That was on a different Tim Allen vehicle. That was still Home Improvement, but we're combining two. Wilson.

No, that's the volleyball from that Tom Hanks film. And the fish song.

I'm also white. Sounds like you're a straight guy. I know, right? It's a binary thing to say, but the world is better that I'm a female because I would be Jay Cutler if I think I've been male. I have all those tendencies, but the only thing that keeps me from it is, you know.

That's a t-shirt. That's a goddamn t-shirt. I do not know if I get… Katie got the answer right, correct? Alone? Yeah, alone.

Alone and alone.

Have you guys watched Alone, the TV show? Yeah.

No, but I have had people tell me that it is compelling. I would give it a watch.

You really are alone out there and it's like a true surviving thing.

Yeah.

Because it is like they won't help you. No. Right? Right.

What's the premise? It's a reality show?

Yeah, you're left alone and whoever can survive the longest wins all the money. But you're like left alone in the like in the like Arctic Circle and you have to like you have nothing. You're allowed to bring like eight items. You can have like a fishing line, something to make fire with, a knife. It's like that.

Are people dying?

Well, they lose like 80 pounds.

The producers won't let you die.

They will intervene, won't they?

If it gets to a certain point. If your body fat gets to a certain thing, they pull you. I wish. People have been like, no. But you have to build your shelter.

I do love going on and be like, until I hit 135, do not pull me until I hit 135.

Wait, 135 is also my goal weight.

Same!

I'm a bridesmaid next month and I'm wearing a yellow dress, so do not pull me until… My wife says if I get down to 135 she'll pull me. I'm very much looking forward to that.

Super stressful because, I mean, they're all survivalists, like they train for it forever.

Oh, so they're not just like me.

They're like, they actually, this is what they do.

It's like a Bear Grylls type.

I see. They're passionate about it, but what's stressful is they will not tell you how many people are left in the game. So when you're like 80 days in, they're not telling you, you have to outlive or outlive, outlast like five people or one person. So you just, you kind of just have to go for.

And what's the prize?

It's like not as much money as you would think. I think it's like $100,000 or something, maybe $200,000. It's like not what you would think for that.

For that amount of, yeah.

For 80 days of work?

That's crazy. I'm sorry, how much do you guys fucking make that $200,000 isn't worth 80 days of work?

That's killing a lot of squirrels, JPC. That's two and a half months. That's a lot of dead squirrels.

My God.

No, JPC, they get to eat $100,000 when they're done. One of my favorite things in the world is to watch every season of Survivor, and one of my favorite things is the food challenge. And I don't know what it is, but it's so satisfying to see them eat after they've been starved for like 30 days. Obviously, it's a lot of sponsorship and bullshit, but to see them bite into like

in the comments.

And you said this season they had Mr. Beast on and he brought Mr. Beast's Feastables and nobody wanted them?

No, I said they had Mr. Bean on.

Mr. Bean's Feastables. And he brought a bunch of beans and nobody would eat his beans.

And his, to the camera alone footage was unusable.

Well, nobody wants Mr. Bean's beans because he's so goddamn wacky. You can't trust that those beans are like, you know, clean beans.

I know this is not an original thought, as nothing is anymore, but Mr. Beast really has, you know, when he smiles, how the top part of his face doesn't move? Sure. And so it's that uncanny... I think he's one of the scariest people out there. And I know he's listening, but I just— And you need to hear this, sir. You do need to hear this. But why doesn't his— Let this be a wake-up call. Why doesn't his upper face move? And it's not like a Botox situation. He's a mannequin that made a wish.

Oh! Yeah, I think so! One of those classic situations. Mannequin made a wish, and now is ruining society.

If he was born a woman, he'd be Kim Cattrall.

I wish I had been born a woman, because I would love to be Kim Cattrall. Me too.

Katie, you have created my favorite new party game, which is, if you were born the opposite sex, who would you—like, the Jay Cutler thing really delighted me.

Yeah. It makes sense, doesn't it? Yeah. Because you're like, oh wow, Katie, like, is a kind person who can function in the world. But like, if I had been a man—my parents wanted to name me Sean. on the show. Hey Riddle Riddle. And to all the Seanpores listening, we support you, and Sean Middle Class, we know you don't exist anymore.

Man, this has kind of got me fucked up because I just did the exercise, I played it at home real quick, and honest to God, the thing that came to my mind when I said, if I was a male, who would I be? And the first thing that came to my mind, no shit, was Shia LaBeouf.

Holly, I think you cleared LaBeouf by a country mile.

You can see that. I can see that. And here's why. Because Holly is so wonderfully, like, everything— We call her a walking poem and everything about her is just— The world is hard for her to bear because she's so sensitive and wonderful and such an artist. And I think if she was a straight white male, she wouldn't know where to put all that. And so she would get in fights outside Walgreens. You know what I mean? Like, yeah.

Yeah, I feel like I would be this scrappy little, like I'm picking a fight that doesn't need to be a pit or something if I was a man.

I think Shia LaBeouf is perfect. That's who you would be.

You're a little peanut butter falcon.

There should be like a number on billboards that you could call if you feel like you might be Shia LaBeouf. If you're having Leboeuf-esque urges, you should call a number and have someone talk to you.

I could be a funny child actor, but things have gone really off the rails.

I've Leboeufed. I've Leboeufed. I've Leboeufed. Also, that's not that far away from your name. Holly Laurent, Shia LaBeouf.

Very French.

And it's so funny because Holly is from Elgin. Holly is from a dumpster outside Elgin. So it's so funny that she has the most beautiful fancy French name.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Yeah, I'd be like a Marissa Sullivan from Santa Fe. This is an exercise in trust. We all have to just trust.

I would like to hear Marissa Sullivan leaving a voicemail right now. Her turquoise jewelry came and it was broken and she's calling the company.

Okay, here we go.

I know your office hours are now, so interesting you're not picking up. This is Marissa Sullivan again, and I will continue to call until my complaint is resolved. I spoke to Thomas at the Brick and Mortar, and I bought what I was told was a handcrafted turquoise toe ring, a TTR. Now, my toe fit perfectly into it until the gout kicked in. When I had my two boats of Twinkies. And yes, I'm a boats, not a log. Please call me back. I deserve compensation. I will be talking to a lawyer, my dad, if this is not resolved. Thank you for your time.

Please leave a message after the beep.

Oh, classic Marissa Sullivan.

Hey Marissa, where's my pot pie? This is vulnerable, but the impulse I had first of who I would be if I was a man, and this is maybe, I need to examine this. I thought Rivers Cuomo, is that the guy the Weezer lead singer?

He's the guy from Weezer, yeah.

I could see that. I was like, I would be wearing glasses, I'd be in a band.

I do think that's interesting. Yes, I think that you would be extremely odd

Yeah, thank you. And like the things that the oddness about you now is actually wonderful and works because of the gender that you identify as.

Incredible. Katie, I think you have a career in this. I think that you could have a side hustle. Really? Where people reach out to you and they say, if I was the opposite gender, who would I be? And then you can sort of walk them through

Please write in. I will do it. I would love to do it because I think it's really interesting. And you know, a lot of the, for some people, here's the scary part, they would be better people. Oh, yeah. Not like, like, you know what I mean? Like, not all, but like, for some people, it's like, you might want to get in touch with that side of yourself because

Can I take the fact that I think I would be worse, gives me a little bit of empathy towards men. Because I think a lot of the things that would be bad for me is because of like society, like I would just feel pressure too.

It would be a destructive, the way that you would express the things that you express now would be in a destructive way.

Yeah, when I when my woke 3.0 agenda hits Congress, I'm gonna mandate it's only 3.0. It's 3.0 for now. Yes. Yeah, we're just on 3.0. I'm gonna mandate that people swap genders at least once in their life. Because I do think that there's like an empathy building tool in there as well. So I mean, yeah, yeah, I think it's I So I changed my name when I was 20 and then I've lived, you know, 17 years with a different name. And it does kind of feel like two separate lives. Sure. You're living like two separate, you know, people. So I do think some mandatory swaps should be, yeah, get me in government.

Well, you have to also do a year in a service job.

Well, it's sort of happening on smaller scales.

Several friends on HRT, like in like perimenopause stuff where they're on testosterone for the first time in their life, females who are now taking testosterone, and they're like, Whoa, I am horny. I am ambitious. And I'm like, dumb like durrrr.

Isn't it wild that that's all we are is just a collection of hormones and what gets released when and like, that's all it is.

And I'm hearing these women say like, it gives me more compassion. I feel like I understand men more, like having more testosterone in my system.

But I've never heard the reverse.

We can like pump Adal full of soy milk and see how many times he calls The there's a really great this American life from like 20 years ago about testosterone and there's oh Men are poison women are venom It's Marissa Sullivan from Santa Fe, but I will say I did think about it and I didn't want to say it because I'm embarrassed to be like, I'm punching way above my weight class, but my first thought was Geena Davis.

Wow.

I mean, if I could just be one tenth of Geena Davis, I think I'd be thrilled.

Yeah. That's solid.

I gotta think about that one. That's interesting. That's solid. I see why you said that. I do too.

I want to be Jennifer Coolidge. That's just who I want to be.

Yeah. Right, but you're not. Definitely. This isn't who you want to be. It's who you would be. It's the anima and animus of you. It's not just like, yeah, I mean, I would like to be, there's a lot of guys I'd like to be, but no, I, Geena Davis is very interesting to me. I can picture you in Stuart Little. I can picture you in that movie. And League of their Own. There's a vibe to you, there's a softness to you that also is a softness to her.

Today's episode is

How tall is she? I think she's like a legit six feet. She's taller than me.

My friend Eric Edelson in Los Angeles just shot a movie with her and she was supposed to kick, like turn sideways and do one of those kind of like, you know, like karate kicks in his face. And she was supposed to kick, you know, within a foot of his face, but not kick his face. And they set up the shot wrong and she kicked him directly in the face. And not many men can say they've been kicked in the face by Geena Davis and Eric Edelson's wife got the frame and framed it and it's a picture of him like with his like, that's awesome.

Holly, not only a fantastic story, I'm also dying to know what this movie is. Geena Davis is throwing out sidekicks.

Look it up, Geena Davis, Eric Edelson, movie. See what it says. I can't remember. Face, kick.

Face, plus kick, plus movie. I thought I'd get into this machine that changes your gender and I'd like come in and then I'd like get popped out as like Matt LeBlanc and I'd be like, ugh.

Oh no, what does that mean?

The machine didn't work. No, it doesn't not work. It always works.

Matt LeBlanc.

Whatever you are, hey man, take it up with the guy who made the machine.

Hold on now, we have to do another Riddle.

This is the show. This is the goddamn show.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Apology accepted.

You know, I'm not sorry because Jay Cutler would not be sorry. He would say, I don't care. He would be like, this sucks. Cheyenne, not sorry either. Cheyenne, not sorry.

And Gina Davis would try to beat her sister in the women's baseball.

The thing that really makes me know it's true, Katie, spiritually you would be married to that woman from the, what's her name?

The Hills. Although they're now divorced.

See, but that classic you, you would marry and divorce Kristen Cavalieri for sure. I feel that on every timeline. She's your wife and then not your wife.

It's like a Time Traveler's... What's the movie with the Time Traveler situation? It doesn't matter. Here's your next riddle. I can be quick and then I'm deadly. I am a rock, shell, and bone medley. If I was made into a man, hey, how about that? Kind of germane to our whole thing here. I'd make people dream. I gather in millions by ocean, sea, and stream. What am I?

Sandman? It's Sand. Maybe the best intro to a song of all time. Where it sounds like he's stalling. Like looking around the room being like, what am I? I don't know what to sing about. Keep it going, keep it going. Someone points to a hourglass. Sand, man.

Without a bridle or a saddle, across a thing I ride a straddle.

And those I ride, by help of me, though almost blind, are made to see.

What am I?

What the fuck?

Glasses?

It's glasses!

Erin's wearing glasses! Like it sits across your nose? Yeah, a straddle. Yeah, okay.

The horseback in your face. Adal and Erin are like, oh, I get it! And both Katie and Holly are just, they look so sad.

No, but that's fair. They're having the correct reaction. I think, yeah, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be judgmental. I do want to see a scene. Why not? I don't want to.

I'd like to see a scene. Holly, you are at the optometrist getting your eyes checked and a new pair of glasses. JPC, you are the optometrist and you keep using sort of animal or whatever other type of analogies for glasses and eyesight that just don't kind of necessarily get used a lot in these circumstances.

How about these? Do you like me in a heavier frame or should I be in something a little more delicate?

Well, I mean, honestly, the frame is not as important as the prescription. That's right. The frame is really a you, you know, choice. I can obviously give an opinion, but it's not a medical opinion. But I will say, You have wolf's eyes. So a frame like this is, it's going to draw attention away from those eyes.

That is so wild that you say that because I was once in a cacao ceremony drum circle ecstatic dance night where a shaman led us through a mental exercise where he said, an animal is walking up to you. And do you know what was walking up to me? A gray wolf. Welcome back.

Well, the part where I know what animal's eyes you have is more of a quirk. Unique to me, it's not really a professional thing, and it's not a medical diagnosis.

You are quirky, and you smell of eucalyptus. This office smells fresh. I appreciate that.

I went through a car wash this morning, and all of my windows, I thought that they were up, but I just got them tinted, so it looks the exact same to me. So that could be the smell that you smell.

So you got car washed?

I did, yeah, a little bit. Just on the back.

Wow.

Yeah, it was the back windows. But yeah, I mean, obviously, if I'm being quite honest, you don't need glasses.

Really?

You don't need glasses at all. I almost never say this, but you're familiar with the concept of 20-20 vision, right? Well, sure. You see things that are 20 feet away as 20 feet away.

I did not know that's what it meant, but I like it.

That's what 2020 vision means. Your vision is more like 120. Okay. Yes.

Welcome to The Bed and Breakfast. Just so you know, our breakfast is at midnight and our checkout time is at 11am. We do have a saltwater pool. And will you be consummating the marriage today?

Yes, my doctor and I are not married. This is an illicit affair. We've run from the office. Because what started as a simple prescription for me to just get some progressive lenses has turned to love.

You look outside and they hit every like telephone pole on the way there because she definitely needed glasses.

We are going to have to charge you for that. Yeah, so we will need a credit card for incidentals. And by incidentals, I mean the whole facade of the building, yeah.

We can use my credit card.

Well, there is going to be a lot of cum on the sheets, but we're going to need a big tip. Thank you. A lot of cash.

And may I just say, you have Mustang eyes.

My father was a Mustang.

I love that you said thank you to the company, not the money, too.

Thank you. And we're going to leave money for it. Thank you. Sometimes a callback works and sometimes it doesn't. And that might be one of the times where it didn't. But, you know, I just it's you have to try it. You have to have fun with your friends.

And Katie, Jim Croce? My father was a Mustang?

Jim Croce? The car, by the way. Not the horse.

Jay, it was a tough game out there. It was a hard game. How do you feel? You know, sometimes you just have to have fun with your friends out there.

Sometimes it's tough to play football with your dick so big.

I love Holly's character at a shaman circle and staring out in the wilderness and being like, Oh, a gray wolf. And it's just like a stump or something like clearly just 120 vision network.

I would like to see another scene, actually. Is that crazy? Yeah, please. Okay, Katie, you are a woman who wears glasses. Holly, I would love for you to play those glasses, but you're getting a little old. Like the glasses are not working as well. And Katie, you're going to kind of let your glasses down gently that you're going to have to buy a new pair.

Oh, this slot machine, this slot machine seems a little grimy. Is it me? It might be you.

It might be you. Yeah. But I just wanted to, I wanted to say how much I've appreciated all you've done for me and for the world, really, for my world. Yeah, it's been really helpful.

Oh, it's nothing.

You know how sometimes they put things out to pasture? Yeah. I mean, it always happens.

Yeah, that's what happens to women over 40 in Hollywood.

I've read all the articles. We've read those articles. And so let's think of you as a Julianne Moore. Welcome to the show. I'm Holly Laurent.

Yeah, you kind of make it like your vagina is a runway and on a cliff's face, so that the airplane can shoot right up there and land. Julianne Moore has been in a lot of movies.

A lot of movies. We've seen a lot of movies with her. And I think, you know, the thing about you, what you've always helped me do is not just see what's in front of me, but see what's going on beyond that, you know? And I think you're going to really help someone else do that. Do you see what I'm saying?

Oh, like I'll become some like prop glasses maybe that get discarded in a green room, you know, get used in multiple sketch shows for years on end. How fun would that be? That would be really fun until the building sells and it becomes like a hotel block. And then, you know, what will become of me?

Well, here's the thing. You're a collective.

Yeah.

You're never alone because you're with, you know, your glasses. You're plural. And so no matter where you go, you will have someone with you, which is, I guess, you. I've never talked to the other glass.

Yeah. Well, the other glass has been mute since Inception. Remember Inception?

We loved that movie. Oh my God. I had a pair of glasses in a sketch show and then I was watching another sketch show two years later and I was like, and those weren't glasses.

Those are my glasses. It's so like... They're purple frames. Yeah. It's the fate of every green room.

Holly, your vagina is a runway. John Mayer?

It's right. That's a that's an old deep cut. Where is he?

He's been quiet. He's been too quiet. He's been really quiet. I don't love that.

Yeah. Somewhere around here he gets quiet, we get nervous.

Yeah, right. And I know he's listening, but I would rather be Shia LaBeouf than John Mayer.

Yeah, say that. And that's... I agree. GPC, maybe you if you you would be a You would be Jonah Mare. Like, what's up with Joanna Mare?

Jonah!

I go into the machine and it gives me the same gender but a knockoff John Mare. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with the machine? You're definitely not in the right machine.

It does seem like, from the creators of Joanna Man and White Girls, like, Joanna Mare.

Sir, sometimes the machine malfunctions if people try to have sex with the machine while they're in the machine. Did you try to have sex with the machine in the machine?

I left a tip.

Katie and Holly, the podcast is Soccer Moms. You can get it anywhere you get podcasts, I'm assuming?

Yeah, every Tuesday there's a new ep.

Yeah, very fun.

Very cool. So yeah, please do listen to Soccer Moms. Do you two have anything else that you would like to plug at this time?

You can follow us at BFF Soccer Moms on the Insta and Yeah, stay tuned because we have some very fun guests coming up. Y'all three being three of them. Y'all three being three of them.

And please don't forget, I know it's been out for a long time, but it won't hurt to watch Harley Quinn season 5 now streaming on HBO Max. It definitely won't hurt. It won't hurt anything. And maybe write letters and say things on the internet about how much you like it.

That can't hurt. Adal, Erin, anything for you guys to plug?

I got nothing.

I got nothing.

Yeah, I got nothing.

Soccer Moms, and Harlequin, and Kite Man. Yeah, Kite Man.

And the idea, and the idea of... Hot dogs!

Oh God, I hate the soundboard. Just me saying hot dogs.

Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. They have already parents in the music.

Hey there Quartz and Pebbles, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Public Access TV. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get to decide free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan, and we host the podcast That Was Us, now on HeadGum.

Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

Are we going to cry?

Yes. A little bit. Often. A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to That Was Us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.

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