Which Riddle Riddle?

#416: Misty Vistas, Whiskey Mixers, Mr. Whiskers

00:00:01

Erin

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

???

Why does Progressive work hard for truckers? Because truckers unite the world. They unite kids with their first drum sets and parents with earplugs. But truckers can't do this if they're not on the road. That's why Progressive has over 360 heavy truck employees to help truckers stay on time and on track. Quote truck insurance today in as little as 8 minutes at ProgressiveCommercial.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company & Affiliates.

???

Every day as a small business owner feels like solving a puzzle. One moment you're cruising along, and the next, there's a shipping snag that has you scrambling. But here's a surprise you will like. With Progressive, small business owners save 13% on their commercial auto insurance when they pay in full. So go ahead, surprise yourself. Get a quote in as little as 8 minutes at ProgressiveCommercial.com. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Discounts not available in all states or situations.

00:01:22

???

Hey Riddle Riddle. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hey Riddle Riddle.

JPC

So Erin, the way that you play the game is if you pass to the right, you say, Whiskey Mixers.

Erin

Okay.

JPC

If you pass to the left, you say Misty Vistas. And if you pass across the circle, you say Mr. Whiskers.

Erin

Misty Vistas

JPC

Left and right were different from what I said was left and right, but it actually doesn't matter which one is which. You just have to pick one and commit to it.

Adal

Erin, a bomb will explode in 27 seconds. If we could just complete one round, the bomb defuses. Yes.

Erin

Adal, that's basically 30 seconds we got all the time in the world.

Adal

27 seconds is not basically 30 seconds.

Erin

Do you know that 30 seconds is half of a minute? Now, isn't that interesting?

00:02:25

JPC

Yes. No. No, a minute isn't 60 seconds. It's 100. What are we talking about here? Eight seconds left.

Erin

Okay, whiskey, whiskey, see? I fell right into the trap. No, it's not about me out. I haven't even started.

JPC

You're out. You just said it wrong.

Erin

No, you're starting a tennis ball. Come on. No, you cannot. Kaboom. Kaboom.

JPC

That is how you play that game, right? You do get out, right? If you fuck up, you have to get out of the circle. You must. Yes, you must get out of the circle.

Erin

You must. All right, then let's do a different improv warm-up.

JPC

Okay, what do you need? I got a big bag of improv warm-ups. Just tell me what you need and I'll give you the improv warm-up that you need.

Erin

Okay, this is a fun improv warm-up. I'm going to tell you what I need and you're gonna tell me the improv warm-up that's gonna fix this.

JPC

Got it.

Erin

Okay, it feels like my brain is moving really slow and I'm gonna have a hard time pulling on specific like details or nouns.

JPC

Therapy. Zoloft.

Erin

Come on. A popular improv warm-up for a lot of improvisers.

00:03:27

JPC

Instead of Zip Zap Zop it's Therapy Zoloft. Anti-psychotic.

Erin

Therapy Zoloft beer before a show.

JPC

I knew improvisers that would like before they got on they had like a like a specific cocktail of like uppers and downers that they had to put into their body before they could. It was like I need to do like I need to have a coffee 30 minutes before the show and then before I go on stage a shot and a beer and it's like okay yeah.

Adal

Those cancel each other out.

JPC

Well, you know, it's all about the way that it hits your system for when the improv show hits.

Erin

I would have to have a highball energy drink and a half a grapefruit. And then like maybe a Tylenol. Chug water. Pee three to four times before the show.

Adal

Oh my God. So much citric acid before a show. Is that a lot of grapefruit? I mean, grapefruit destroys my stomach.

00:04:33

Erin

Okay, well, you guys are the ones who had to do comedy with me in Chicago. So did that show up, do you think, in my comedy?

JPC

How would I even... I don't even know how I would go about eating a grapefruit. You put a little salt on it. Yeah, I know. I mean, the thought of eating a grapefruit is so unappetizing to me. It's like someone being like, hey, would you eat three limes? I'm like, yeah, sure, I could, but I'm not gonna do that.

Erin

Well, it wasn't like I would have dinner before.

JPC

Like I would go to- Three lines.

Erin

Three lines at Whole Foods. I'd go to Whole Foods and I would go and make myself a perfect salad or I'd get tacos or whatever. But like, if I'm in a green room at like the 30 minute mark, a grapefruit would like wake up my mouth and there's something bright, like brightening about it, but also bitter. Like, I don't know, it just would make me feel more present and alert. But- Okay. I don't know how successful that was. I was pretty tired all the time.

JPC

Adal, did you have a favorite pre-show ritual?

00:05:34

Adal

My only thing is, here's the thing, I don't know if improv warm-ups ever helped me. To me, my favorite thing was what World News Tonight did, which is you just shoot the shit and do bits for 30 minutes before the show, and that always made me feel so much more connected in terms of like, Oh, I know what Erin got up to this week. I know that JPC's watching this thing. So it felt like that inspired some parts of the show, or at least like personalized bits for people or specificity versus doing a warm up where it's like just running around screaming or something, which I never felt helped me.

JPC

What about a food routine, like food or drink? Was there like a beverage combo that would kind of situate you into doing a show?

Erin

I do remember Adal would have a shot of whiskey and punch Brett Lyons right in the throat before every show.

JPC

It was an uppercut and it would send Brett like into a different level. We'll see you next time. Yeah, then Goro got main stage and we stopped seeing Goro. Goro stopped showing up for the show.

00:06:45

Adal

Deservedly, deservedly.

Erin

No, but they could come back when they could. We're not doxing them.

Adal

The bit where Goro puts on four puppets. Oh my God. And it's almost like a Who's On First, but with four puppets. It's unbelievable.

Erin

So Adal, you'd have a coffee?

Adal

I'd have a hot coffee with Goro.

JPC

I like the hot coffee before a show, but also, if it was a show at IO, part of it for me was that the hot coffee was always free. And I was like, oh, a free coffee is like, even if it's like, what do they use, like Folgers there? Even if it's just like bad coffee. Fludgers.

Adal

More like Fludgers. Remember the Coke Fair? And I know what that means. The Coke Fair was Swannell. So it'd be like, do you want Coke or Pepsi? And it was, the brand was Swannell.

Erin

I didn't know that. Is that why the Coke and Diet Coke tasted so weird at IO?

Adal

It's clearly made in someone's bathtub. That shit was nasty.

Erin

Also, their ginger ale had such a specific vibe to it.

00:07:49

Adal

A zing to it?

Erin

A zing. A zing is the only way to describe it.

Adal

Erin, it's because they dissolved spree inside of them. That's true. You know what?

JPC

Sure. And this is Hey Riddle Riddle. No, but what did you have before the show? A coffee. I just had a coffee. A free coffee. Is that it? That's real, yeah.

Erin

You didn't have to listen to a specific song or touch your nose three times? Walk me through it. So you'd sit up out of your coffin.

JPC

Yeah, I'd go blah. I would listen to the goofy version of Evanescence's Wake Me Up a hundred times. And if I lost count, I'd just start over. Yeah. And Being in my friend Evan's car and after school we would all, before like a comedy sports match, we would go to Taco Bell and I would eat like four bean burritos and then I would just go and do a 90-minute improv show and be absolutely fine. Just be absolutely fine. And now like the thought of eating like a little bit too much dinner two hours before an improv show, I'd be like, I'm moving like a slug just like all over the stage.

00:09:15

Adal

I think I've told you guys, but Worldness Tonight did a residency in Des Moines for like 10 days or something, and Arnie Kneekamp and I split a, I want to say it was a sauerkraut pizza. An insane choice. We were the only two that ate it. We got violently ill to where we had to perform that night, or the next day or something. Our stomachs were cramping. We were laying on the ground and like barfing and just really bad shape. But then when they said like three minutes till the second act, We popped back up, performed as well as I guess I ever have, and then got out of the show and immediately collapsed. So there's something about the adrenaline and that responsibility, I guess.

Erin

I was just about to say, JPCI, I'm going to do riddles. I have the eye on the ball. I have the eye on the ball. I have the eye of Sauron on the ball.

???

Glass eye.

Erin

Erin's got a glass eye. And I'm not trying to blow smoke up your asses either.

JPC

Hey, if you wanted to blow a little, I wouldn't hate it.

00:10:18

Erin

You would.

JPC

A thin stream of smoke up my ass, I'd hate that.

Erin

Hot smoke.

JPC

Oh yeah, hot smoke. That's gonna be really uncomfortable for me. Yeah, right. You could have said cold smoke and then maybe you have something there. Hot smoke in my ass? A little bit of hot smoke in my ass? Erin, I'm saying no to that. Do you guys take requests?

Erin

Get out. Go. Spray him with the bottle. Go.

???

Drop it, go.

Erin

I feel like you, I could wake you guys out of a deep slumber and drop you onto a improv stage and you would be fine. Like I just, I was a very delicate person and I needed the exact right circumstances and the exact, oh come on. I'm different this week. Did something happen in the last hour that I don't know about? I'm

00:11:28

JPC

Sorry, you said saliva. It's involuntary. It's involuntary when someone says saliva.

Erin

I have to say click click boom. I'm thinking back in my time of Chicago with you guys and maybe sometimes when you had like even if you guys had a really bad cold or were like hadn't slept because you had like a red eye or whatever, you guys could drop in and be like super high functioning. Do you feel like is there anything that could like what has ever taken you out? Because food poisoning couldn't take you down at all.

JPC

You know what fucks with me? First of all, I hate performing when I'm sick because, and I don't do this anymore, but when I was in my 20s, I would perform sometimes if I was like, oh, I'm feeling a little sick. And then invariably, I'd be sick for way longer because I stressed myself out too much when I was sick. But performing with a head cold or when I'm on cold medicine, like for a head cold, That is the worst because the brain fogginess of having a sinus cold is not conducive to improvise. People would say something and it would be gone out of my head one second after they said it and I'm like, I'm still in this scene, I've got no idea what the fuck is happening because my brain is not working. Can't be doing that.

00:12:42

Adal

Um, one thing that throws me off pretty hard is if I'm running late to something. So if I was like, if I was like to arrive at the theater two minutes before the show and I'm scrambling to put on my suit or something and then rushing out on stage, I think the whole show in my head, I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm so sorry. I'm everyone's mad at me. Like this sucks. This sucks. Like, why didn't I get here earlier? So I think that, that really fucks with my sort of mindset. What about you, Erin?

Erin

Um, yeah, I'd say similar to yours. Obviously, like, anytime you're, like, recovering from a sickness, I remember having several, like, being a nanny, you get some, like, little kid flus. And I remember, like, four or five days after the flu and you still have that, like, muscle weakness and doing a world news show that was, like, the most physical thing where everyone was just being lifted in the air. And I was like, I'm going to collapse. I'm going to drop like a marionette doll. This is not going to be good.

Adal

Erin, we each played a jump rope. It's your turn, sweetie.

00:13:43

Erin

Why aren't you coming out? I'm just, like, sweating. Yeah, also, like, I would have a hard time when there was any sort of, like, personal thing happening. Like, if a friend who I'm on a team with came in and they seemed a little frazzled or sad or, you know, they're going through a hard time or whatever, and you're like, oh, we didn't have time to do a reset, and you're just, like, kind of worried about people's feelings, that would throw me.

JPC

Oh.

Erin

Not knowing how everyone is on stage.

JPC

I was always so mad when people would come in and they would have like, they'd be like, yeah, fucking horrible day. All right, let's get out there and do the show. I'm like... Stay home!

Adal

Just got divorced. Can we avoid scenes with couples?

JPC

Uh, yeah. Time to turn it on because it's what the people demand. I'm like, nobody cares. Nobody cares if you're in this show. Absolutely nobody cares. Your parents aren't here. Go home.

Erin

Go home. Your parents aren't here. Go home. Hold her on an IV cart.

Adal

Please, sit this one out.

Erin

Uh, we're all firing on all cylinders today, even though, again, I don't feel warmed up.

00:14:44

JPC

Yeah, it's a four-cylinder, so it's not like a powerful, you know. They're working.

Adal

Hey, I got something to say. Oh. Why are we still using horsepower? We found more powerful animals, Erin. We found more powerful animals.

Erin

Looking behind me for another Erin that's in charge of anything.

Adal

Erin. Erin. We should be saying, this has bear power. Gorilla power. 120 gorilla power.

Erin

Polar bear power.

Adal

Thank you. The only animal that likes hunting humans.

Erin

I'm so glad you're on the branding team for polar bears now.

JPC

Did you guys know that polar bear fur isn't white? It's white.

Erin

Oh, come on. And I hate to say, shut up.

Adal

Canonically speaking, all bears are from Charleston. Prove me wrong, Erin. Prove me wrong. I'm from so far south.

???

Look behind me for another, Erin.

Adal

I'm from so far south. This is how I speak. I'm a polar bear. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you a penguin? Are you a penguin? Oh, then I simply must eat you. Delectable. Mmm, delectable.

00:15:53

???

Oh, I couldn't eat another bite of penguin. If I just had some sweet tea and some boiled peanuts, this would be a smorgasbord in the gazebo.

JPC

Ooh, a penguin etouffee!

Adal

Hey Erin, if you don't like our Charleston 7 drawl polar bears, we'll retire them.

Erin

I'm not saying anything because I'm hoping they'll keep going. Did you see me step out of the way and say the floor is yours, boys? Please! Okay, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

JPC

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, well, please, yes.

Erin

Okay, you guys are two polar bears from the South. This is a TV show that's coming to like AMC this fall.

Adal

Oh, prestige.

Erin

Yeah, and this is like sort of small town drama. Maybe there's something mysterious happening, but you guys are two southern polar bears. And the show is called Two Southern Polar Bears.

???

I woke up this morning to see a circle on the ceiling. A circle on the ceiling? The birds are back.

00:17:01

JPC

Oh, Clyde.

???

The birds are back.

JPC

My good man, I apologize to you. That was a Coca-Cola bottle that I had placed above the igloo that we live in. That was not a, that was not a Boyd Circle on the ceiling.

???

Okay, well, still doesn't explain the birds.

JPC

Oh, so there were birds.

???

Clive, the birds are back.

JPC

They're probably trying to get a drink of that sweet Coca-Cola that I had placed upon the ceiling of our igloo.

???

We saw ourselves the secrecy. That no one would learn about what we discovered in their cave.

JPC

Plus, we did a kind of like a Brokeback Mountain situation as well. And that was also a sworn secrecy. Well, yes. Well, yes. Yeah.

Adal

Well, yes.

Erin

Here I am, one of your wives.

Adal

Oh, how much did you heal? Picks up a big blunt object.

Erin

Can I smoke some of that as well?

00:18:02

JPC

Ed Hathaway, it is so good to see you here. So good to see you. Who was the other wife in Brokeback Mountain? It was Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams. Can I tell you guys something that I've been absolutely fucking obsessed with lately?

Erin

But for the record, I tried to start Riddles. Yeah, for sure you did. You get points.

JPC

I've been obsessed with this lately. Do you guys know who the comedian Nate Bargatze is? Yes. So recently he's gotten a ton of flack because he's like a clean comedian, I guess. I don't know much about him, but I did know he went to like the Trump UFC event and then people are really mad at him.

Erin

He did the classic, I'm a widdle baby, and I didn't think it was political.

JPC

Yeah, not political to go to the president, President Trump's birthday party, his like UFC birthday party.

Erin

In his defense, he is a widdle baby. And how would he know?

JPC

I'm like produced that movie, which is why he's the star of it or whatever. People who haven't seen the Breadwinner trailer, go and watch the Breadwinner trailer. It feels like a Christian movie that should have been made 25 years ago that happened to come out in 2026.

00:19:26

Adal

It looks like a series of Pine-Sol ads. Yes. Where it's like, Mom's gone. The house has gone to shit. Girls, pick up a Pine-Sol wipe.

Erin

Pinesaw ads from 2003. That's what it looks like.

JPC

He'd say the world has gone to crumbs or something like that, I think, because he's family friendly. But before that movie even came out, they knew it was going to be such a flop that they started saying in the previews or in the trailer, ask about paying the Nate rate to see the movie, which is kind of the craziest concept I've ever heard, like the history of advertising. But I've been obsessed with the Nate rate. I want to like, I want to go everywhere I go, I want to ask if I could pay the Nate rate. I want to see how... You do, you're a white man.

Erin

You've been paying the Nate rate your entire life.

Adal

What if I could get an even deeper discount? You got a lap dance for $85, which is amazing.

Erin

They're like, your groceries come at $116.

JPC

And I'm like, yeah, is there any way that I could pay the Nate rate on these groceries that just kind of skim about eight bucks off there?

00:20:31

Erin

And they're like, of course, sir.

Adal

Of course, sir.

Erin

Here's the Nate rate. The Nate rate is so funny.

Adal

I am curious if you go to like an AMC ticket stall and you're like, can I have the Nathan rate? If they're like, buddy, buddy, buddy. Buddy, you can't. No. No, no, no. No. Say it.

JPC

Can I have the Bargetti bar discount? You have to call it the Nate Wright. I also want to be like One for disclosure day and can I get the Nate Wright on that? Spielberg said I could have the Nate Wright on Disclosure Day.

Erin

Did you guys see Disclosure Day?

JPC

No, I haven't seen it. I won't go with this, I can pay the Nate Wright.

Erin

Yeah, I went alone and sat next to this 23-year-old guy next to me who had also gone alone, and I think we both were getting hit with the same moment of realization at the same time, and then we were laughing in unison for the rest of it, because I was like, what happened? What happened here?

Adal

Which sucks because Arrival, I would say, is in my top 25 movies, top 30 movies, and this felt like a kissing cousin to Arrival.

00:21:44

Erin

The one thing that's not spoilery that I'll say, oh my god, I can't believe we're this far in, I'm sorry! The one thing I will say is I think that people are so much more warm and earthy and charming when they get to speak in their true accent.

Adal

Erin, I couldn't agree more.

Erin

I definitely agree with that, Erin. I definitely agree with that. Everyone go back to your normal voices. Because three of the leads of Disclosure Day are doing American accents when one is Irish and two are British. And I'm like, I just think, just let them talk in their regular voices. Anyways, we're going to do some riddles. We're going to do as many as we can before break. We have to. The blood will be on my hands.

JPC

I want to start, Erin, but I agree that we've been fucking around way too much this episode, so can I just say to anyone who is listening to this episode, and you are mad that we didn't get to things fast enough, You can pay the Nate rate for this one. This one is not going to be a full price episode. You get the Nate rate on this. We give it to you.

00:22:45

Adal

Go to google.com, type in Nate rate, parentheses, Hey Riddle Riddle, plus Southern Polar Bears.

JPC

Anybody who subs to our Patreon in the next week gets the Bargatze bar discount and the date right. You get both. I'm gonna stack both of them so that'll be so it'll total it'll be $5 a month.

Erin

Adal, can you remind people what that is? Is it that you get to learn that women are people by the end of the movie and that moms work hard?

Adal

That's exactly right. And one special person will get a, what we call a golden ticket, which is they will see that for Bargazzi, Bargrazzi, of course, Grazzi Italian for free.

JPC

Free. Hey guys, I think we should do the breadwinner for Review Crew. I really think we should do it.

Erin

I know that being a mom is hard.

JPC

Erin, what? I believe women when they say. It's not that being a mom is hard, Erin. That's not what the movie's about at all.

00:23:52

Erin

Being a parent is hard.

JPC

No, it's about how being a dad is hard, specifically. Because moms are taught all that stuff in mom camera work.

Erin

At the 2025 Denver Live show, I told JPC I wrote a bunch of riddles for you guys. He said you desperately need them, so obviously I sat on these for several months before sending them to you. Also, shout out to his friend Connor for getting him into the show. Connor with two N's, by the way.

JPC

What do you mean getting him in? He bought a ticket, right? Yeah, I think he bought a fucking ticket, right?

Erin

No, he got the, it's saying here he got the Nate right.

Adal

In 2025 he got the Nate right? What's under your coat? Uh, big ol' basketball on top of a stroller?

Erin

Okay. He says, thanks for the laughs. Sean K. from Fort Collins, Colorado. And he is a patron, so he's not paying the Nate right. He's paying the real, the real deal.

JPC

Nothing wrong with paying the Nate right if it's offered. The Aaron Faron?

Erin

Erin Farren. Okay, so we are going to do I think some of Sean's riddles this time and we'll come back to more later because there's so many.

00:24:54

JPC

Add over 5% off. I like it.

Erin

In this game, I'll give you a weird sentence that should clue you into a car make and model. I know Erin and Adal aren't experts on car names, so I hope they're easy enough that you can get them by free associating and using your mad gab skills.

JPC

Wait, did John say that you guys- I got my GED in GMC. A police horse goes wild and leaves the squad just to cross a river. Mustang Bridge. Ford Mustang.

00:25:59

Erin

The sports coat of a famously unlikable SNL alum.

JPC

Chevy Chase. Chevy.

Erin

Blazer. Yes. Gambit's love interest gets her leg joint cut off by a spooky, rosy-cheeked movie puppet.

Adal

An incident at an Australian pub leads to a jumping marsupial filing a lawsuit. The Subaru Brawl. The Subaru Bar Brawl.

Erin

Subaru Outback. Yes.

Adal

Subaru Outback.

Erin

Taking a page out of Frasier, a green Star Wars doll leaves things behind to build a life near Puget Sound.

00:27:02

JPC

This is a Nantucket Grogu.

Erin

Come on.

Adal

Can you read it again?

Erin

Yes. Taking a page out of Frasier.

Adal

Are you sure? The Volkswagen scrambled eggs?

Erin

Oh my god. A green Star Wars doll leaves things behind to build a life near Puget Sound.

???

What is the taking a page out of Frasier?

Adal

Tacoma. Yep. Who makes Tacoma? What is a doll?

Erin

A doll? The identity of a famous missing airplane hijacker reveals he's a small little guy.

Adal

The D.B. Cooper.

Erin

You got part of it.

Adal

Sorry. The Volkswagen D.B. Cooper.

00:28:04

Erin

The Cooper's right.

Adal

Mini Cooper. Mini Cooper from that movie with Jason Statham or something.

Erin

Yes.

Adal

Italian job.

JPC

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Adal

People love that, yeah. Aaron and JPC, you are two well-lauded and regarded crooks, and you have concocted an Italian job in which you will infiltrate and rob an Italian restaurant, and this is you two entering the restaurant doors.

Erin

All right, is the plan clear to you?

JPC

Absolutely. Are you ready to do this?

Erin

Yes.

JPC

Puts on mask. All right, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please.

Erin

Table for two, please.

00:29:05

JPC

Okay, we're not on the same page. Okay, last name? Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. A shoot.

Adal

S-H-O-T-E? No.

JPC

A-S-H-O-T.

Erin

We're sort of in between plans here.

???

Okay, we have you by the window, is that okay?

Erin

It's you by the window. Can you put us by the, uh... Uh, kitchen.

???

Kitchen. As close to the kitchen as possible, or... Absolutely, I'll be way in the back here. Let's make our way back. Perfect.

Erin

I'm just gonna keep your mask on, I guess.

Adal

You wanna hear about our specials?

JPC

Not from you, from a waiter. I won't hear from a host about specials. Rude.

Erin

Hey, uh, bye, hey, uh, thanks for your help. And two forty dollars.

Adal

Whoa, $40? What are you doing?

Erin

What are you doing? We needed that. We gotta remember to steal that back on our way out.

JPC

Yeah, that's our driver's cut.

Erin

I know, but she seemed... we hurt her feelings.

00:30:05

JPC

I know, but our driver's not gonna drive us if we don't have $40. It's a cash Uber. Okay, okay.

Erin

I feel like we're not on the same page.

JPC

Let's stick to the plan. The plan that we rehearsed, okay?

Erin

No, I thought we were gonna go with the plan that we talked about in the car.

JPC

of the podcast.

Erin

We're here for the restaurant's meatballs, not your meatballs. Okay, they think we're performing.

JPC

Oh, man. Okay. Yeah, it looks like at 6.15. There's a there's a timer says we're on a stage. It looks like at 6.15 somebody comes out and does an act of some sort. This is not part of tonight's entertainment. We have real handsaws. Okay, we're dangerous people.

00:31:21

Erin

Thanks for watching. Italian restaurants, they're not like cash rich. What do we think we're going to get out of here?

JPC

Meatballs.

Erin

That's the whole thing. I thought that was another way of saying money. I thought that's how Italian people said money.

JPC

Oh, wow. When I get home, I'm going to look up if I'm Italian. I'm going to look up if I'm Italian.

Erin

That's not offensive.

JPC

And it might be really offensive.

Erin

No, that's probably a common colloquialism.

Adal

See, our inbox is going to get flooded.

Erin

Sorry.

JPC

Do not mail us meatballs.

Erin

Do not mail us meatballs. Let's go on a break. We'll be back in a couple of minutes. Scusi.

Adal

In episode 415, Erin Keif.

Erin

Run, run, run. Hey Riddle Riddle.

00:32:29

JPC

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, everybody. You know me. It's Erin Keif's cousin, Marvin. Marvin Keif here to tell you about BetterHelp. That's right. BetterHelp with over 30,000 therapists. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally, and it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a live session based on 1.7 million client reviews. We all know that every once in a while we could use some help with our mental health, so why not talk to a licensed professional therapist? Plus, with better help, they do the initial matching work for you so you can just focus on your therapy goals. You just do a short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences, and then their 12-plus years of experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And if you're not happy with your match, just switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Riddle. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Riddle.

00:33:36

Erin

Hey guys, can't talk long. A very crazy week. I've got about 60 seconds to hang out with you guys. I'm really on the go this time of the year.

JPC

Okay, we don't have to talk. I just want to kind of spend our minute hanging out cuddling if everyone's cool with that.

Erin

Yeah, I'll be the big spoon as per usual. You know what's been helping me so much this week guys? Having my Tempo meals. Tempo delivers fresh, chef-created, dietician-approved meals right to your door.

Adal

Well, Erin, sweetie, that's, and let me just snuggle in between here. That's the thing is, with Tempo, each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast, without, you know, like, sad podcast studio lunch or, like, drive-thru regret. Mm-hmm.

JPC

Plus, with 20 new recipes every week made from nutrient-rich ingredients, Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits. Hey, speaking of keeping things exciting, why don't I be the tiny sharp fork?

Erin

Okay, we'll try it. No matter what your goals, there's a tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious, and even GLP-1 based meals. I love the filet mignon with creamy mushroom sauce, 30 grams of protein, gorgeous, makes your home smell nice, cozy, cozy meal in your belly. The best.

00:34:56

Adal

Let me get my tiny fork and that. Speaking of the best, even busy athletes like Maria Sharapova. Wow. Don't say a word, Maria, but thanks for coming. Dynamite smile. Even she swears by tempo for balanced meals that help them stay on top of their wellness goals. Bye, Maria. Thanks for stopping by.

JPC

And for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to TempoMeals.com slash Riddle. That's TempoMeals.com slash Riddle for 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash Riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply.

Adal

Sharapova, you're snuggling us too? Don't say a word.

Erin

Don't say a word. It's really nice to see you.

Adal

Don't say anything.

JPC

Hey everybody, JPC here. You know, one thing I love about summer. is how easy everything feels. The days are a little more relaxed and I find myself reaching for the same comfortable go anywhere pieces again and again. That is why I love Quince. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs starting at just $34. I absolutely love their linen shirts. I wear my Quince linen shirts all summer long. They're light. They're breezy. It's the best feeling in the summertime. Plus, their tees are soft enough to live in all day, and the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when the summer nights cool down. Everything at Quince is priced 50-80%, less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, Hey Riddle Riddle So make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle for free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash riddle. Actually, you guys, I've said quince so much, I'm now remembering I played Bottom the Weaver. I did not play Peter Quince in Midsummer Night's Dream in high school and one other time after that. So anyway, I'm at the restaurant, I'm having a nice meal, and then the guy comes up and he taps me on the shoulder and he says, you have to leave the restaurant. I know that those aren't real hands. You can't wear fake hands at the restaurant. I know you're the guy who's been coming into the restaurant to steal salt and ketchup in your fake hands and filling your fake prosthetic hands up with salt and ketchup. So I make a big scene, you know, he's roughing me up he's Basically, my hand starts leaking salt and ketchup all over the place. Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call from Rocket Money Yeah, no, yeah, take it. Yeah, take it. Take it. Unless did you? No, no, no, it sounds like an important call.

00:37:50

Erin

Oh my god guys. I just got the best follow-up from Rocket Money. They just canceled one of my subscriptions and I didn't even have to do it. They did it for me.

JPC

You guys talk about Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings, right? Yeah. I wish I was using Rocket Money when I was still selling ketchup from restaurants.

Adal

Oh, that's... Oh, I didn't realize... I can lend you money. Yeah.

JPC

No, I mean, you don't have to do that. I would appreciate it. I mean, it's been tough times.

Adal

Yeah. I'm just a little flush right now because Rocket Money, like we said, can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones within the app with a few taps, saving users over $880 million in canceled subscriptions. That's a lot. Not that I have $880 million, but let's just say I'm doing pretty well.

Erin

I've been using Rocket Money way before they were even a sponsor of the show. It is so good for my brain. If you're like me and you're a little disorganized, it's all color-coded. You can set up budgets for yourself. You can consolidate checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give yourself a clear view of your financial picture so you don't get surprised by anything. There's no little dark corners in your bank account anymore. You know exactly what's going on and exactly where your money's going.

00:39:06

JPC

Well, Rocket Money also lists used automated savings that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequencies for a set-it-and-forget-it approach. So if I wanted 100 pounds of ketchup and 100 pounds of salt by tomorrow, all I have to do is... JVC stole all this ketchup. Rocket money, leave your prosthetic hands at home, because you're going to have enough salt and ketchup at home that you don't need prosthetic hands at a restaurant. Rocket money.

Adal

Goodness, that is better myself.

???

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Erin

Hello, and welcome back from the break. We have some more riddles from Sean K. And these are Hink Pinks.

00:40:09

Adal

Oh yeah. Okay, these are the bricks.

Erin

Do that Hink Pinks jingle.

Adal

Hank Pinks. Hank Pinks. Did you know that Nate rates a Hank Pink? Hank Pink. Hank Pink. Everyone get Nate's rate. I don't know if you guys are too young to remember, but there used to be a game show, reality show, where it was like Lorenzo Lamas and someone else, and they just have laser pointers, and people would get on stage in like a bikini or like underwear, and they'd take their lasers and be like, this sucks, this part of your body sucks, and they'd just do that. I feel like Nate Rate could be something similar, where Nate Bargatze rates your body.

Erin

Yeah, I would really love to hear his feedback on my body. When I think about people who I want to hear from, it's kind of him.

JPC

It's got to be family-friendly, though, because this whole thing is family-friendly. So it's like family-friendly body rating.

Adal

Yeah. He laser circles my tummy and says, like, looks like someone's the bread eater. A cucumber preserved in brine that's always changing its mind.

00:41:14

Erin

The fifth month plus 24 hours equals a call for help. I would like to see a scene. The fifth month is love.

JPC

I just watched that movie.

Adal

What'd you say?

JPC

The fifth month is love.

Erin

JPC. Okay, stop. And I hate to say this again on an improv podcast, but shut up. No, but guys, seriously, don't say shut up in an improv context. It really stops the action.

JPC

Yeah, unless you're gonna say, shut up and dance with me. You're totally allowed to say that in an improv concept.

Erin

Yeah, but it has to- there has to be a really good reason why you're singing- Justifying it. You're at a wedding. I'll walk the moon. Yeah, you're at a wedding. GPC, you are in a submarine and something is going horribly wrong and you are trying to communicate with someone like on a- like a Navy ship or something and Adal, you get- you keep getting sidetracked when he's trying to call for help.

00:42:32

JPC

This is the USS Cephalopod. Again, I am putting out a distress signal. Our systems are compromised. We are swimming blind down here. Does anyone come in?

Adal

This is San Antonio. Copy. Paste and click. Sorry, I'm just finishing up. Hold on one second.

JPC

I'm sorry, San Antonio? Oh, the USS San Antonio? The naval cruiser? That's right. Oh, okay. Thank God. Again, this is the USS Cephalopod. We are 40,000 leagues under right now, and our sonar is out. We're flying blind down here. We have no idea where we are.

Adal

Hey, let me grab the manual. Really, Jules Vernon over there. Okay, page one.

Erin

Did you give me a manual? Did you say my name? I was thinking about going to get lunch. Do you want me to grab you something?

Adal

Ooh, uh, uh, how, um, uh, cephalopod, how, how much time do you think you have? Do you think you have like 45?

JPC

None. Very little. Very little time. I don't, we could, we could, we could bang into something. We're, we're, we're, we're, we're at risk of dying down here.

00:43:39

Erin

And I haven't picked a spot yet. So if you're craving anything, I can.

Adal

Maybe we do vending machine lunch again. Vending machine lunch?

Erin

Do you want to talk to Manuel? It's your birthday.

Adal

Say hi, Manuel.

JPC

Aren't you guys on a naval cruiser? There shouldn't be very many lunch options on a naval cruiser, right?

Erin

We're docking. We're docking today. So I was thinking about getting a Chipotle or something.

JPC

You're docking? No, please. This is a distress call. You have to find us. Some of the crew is dead.

Adal

Well, any calls a distress call with that attitude. Listen, you signed up for this. You know how to swim, right?

JPC

It wouldn't matter. The pressure would kill me if I got into the water.

Erin

I'm afraid you just told me it's your birthday today. Happy birthday.

JPC

Oh, please. Don't make a big deal of it.

Erin

No, not you. Who's on the phone?

JPC

This is... I'm the captain of the USS Cephalopod. Who? I'm a secret submarine captain. It's my birthday today. I'm 41. Whoa. What's that?

00:44:48

Adal

No, nothing. I just saw a spider.

JPC

See, that's a spider response.

Adal

Forty-one. Well, thank you for calling and I hope you'll leave me a good review.

JPC

No, wait, no, please. The ship is making horrible sounds. The pressure's building. I think we're all going to die down here. And I don't want to die before I've had sex.

Adal

Forty-one, you said?

JPC

So?

Erin

You sound like a sequel. Dude, you don't have to pick up the phone.

JPC

It's 2026 and there's a male loneliness epidemic, okay? It's not weird that I haven't had sex.

Erin

Hang up. Hang up. Hang up.

JPC

Hang up. Hang up.

Erin

Okay, one of the four chambers that makes up this beating organ.

Adal

Part, part, part, part.

Erin

I'd like to see another scene, sorry. Um, we, the three of us are three, uh, organs that you would find in someone's body. No one would be funny and be a piano. Sorry to cut you off at the legs there. Sorry. Sorry to be such a jerk. Um, everyone can decide what they are. You can be whatever organ you want to be.

00:46:04

Adal

Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pumping blood.

Erin

Oh, hey Hart. Hey, how's it going? Good. You were so good in your performance last night. I'm sorry, none of us have asked about it yet.

???

Oh, that was last night.

Adal

Oh, how was it? Um, I've been told it was good. And sorry, I have my back turned. Who am I talking to?

Erin

Sorry, I was totally, completely filled with pee, so I couldn't make it. Lungs! Lungs! Come on. I fucking knew. I fucking knew you were gonna do this to me. I fucking knew you were gonna do this to me. I fucking knew you were gonna do this to me.

JPC

What were you doing, Lungs? Were you removing carbon dioxide from the pee so that you could turn it into oxygen?

Erin

Shut up. Come on. You talk about your thing. I'm trying to be nice to heart. They were shitty in Phantom of the Opera.

JPC

Hey, shut up. Lungs, shut up. Lungs, shut up. Lungs, shut up. Next time, send it my way. I'm the bladder. I can handle all that.

Erin

Oh yeah, you're the bladder. Oh, you're the bladder. You can handle all that stuff.

00:47:06

???

More like the blather. Shut up. What? And dance.

Erin

You know we're dying, right? You know we're dying? If I'm filled with pee, that means you're fucked too. Do you know what I mean?

JPC

Everybody's dying, okay? That's what living is, Lungs. We're dying every day. We die a little bit more every day.

Erin

Welcome back.

Adal

Welcome to

Erin

Thank you. Small intestines and kidneys and appendix, obviously, that I was going to go out. Appendix is going away. Party.

00:48:29

JPC

Look, look at Luggs. Luggs is drinking more pee.

???

Why?

Adal

Why does Luggs do this? Hey, everyone. Brain here. Can whoever's drinking pee please stop?

Erin

Nobody move.

Adal

Please.

Erin

If we're very still.

Adal

Don't make me come down there.

Erin

He doesn't notice anything.

Adal

He won't come down here, but he will.

JPC

He'll send skin. He'll send skin, I know. He'll send skin down here.

Erin

He'll send nervous system. Hey guys, actually, yeah, I am down here. I just want to make sure everyone's okay. Just coming down through the spinal fluid and I'm just sort of everywhere. Is lungs drinking pee?

JPC

Lungs is, yeah, lungs is drinking pee again.

Erin

And whose fault is that?

JPC

Chugging pee. Lungs? Brain? What do you think? What should I say?

Erin

Sounds like bladders really dropping the ball.

Adal

And we pull out and we pull out and see Erin playing this person whose organs we've been viewing.

00:49:30

Erin

I'm drunk on the couch. Booing a video of a squirrel trying to get a nut that it buried a while ago. Boo!

Adal

Dog standing on two legs on the arm of the couch, pissing into your mouth.

Erin

Yeah!

Adal

Seed. Seed.

Erin

Okay.

JPC

Don't put that on Lou. It would be Lou doing it, and we don't want Lou doing it.

Adal

No, it wouldn't be Lou. I said Erin was playing a character. I didn't say it was Erin. Oh, my bad. Lou is sound asleep.

JPC

Erin wears her character like a thin veil.

Erin

Over time, this colorful latex coating has dulled. The worst brother-in-law known for excessive whining. Can I tell you, in the family group chat last night, My sister and brother-in-law, Mitch- Get me in there. Get me in there.

Adal

Why am I not in there? Erin, knock knock, let us in. What's the name of the group chat?

Erin

Let us in. No way are you allowed in there.

JPC

Who's in there?

00:50:31

Erin

Well, okay. It is my mother and father. Okay. Kathleen and Mitch.

JPC

Okay.

Erin

Molly and Jimmy.

JPC

Sure.

Erin

And then me. I'm so far protecting Ryan from it. So you have a plus one? I do technically have a plus one. It's called Jimmy and Friends.

JPC

Me. Get me in there.

Erin

And it is a photo of Jimmy at the Hey Riddle Riddle live show is the group photo. We're called Jimmy and Friends right now.

JPC

What can I do to get in there? Is there some sort of charity auction where I can be in there for 24 hours, Erin? How can I get in there for one day? What do I pay? Who do I write a check to?

Erin

If you donate $100 to the charity of my choice... Done. What is your plan?

JPC

Are you planning on stirring the pot or upsetting the ecosystem, or are you just there to observe like a zoo? Oh, interesting. So you think that my $100 to your fake charity gets you access to my plan as well?

00:51:33

Erin

Fake charity. Okay, so yeah, then I don't get to know your plan. Okay, $125 if I don't get to know your plan.

JPC

Okay, yeah, that's fine. I'll do it. I'll do that every day. I'll budget that shit, so I'll pay it. You know, what's the $125 a day?

???

$365?

JPC

Doesn't matter. I'll pay it, man. I'll pay whatever I need to pay.

Erin

You can get in for one day, but you gotta pay.

JPC

Is it cheaper to break up Molly and Jimmy and insert myself in there just to get in? But then I lose Jimmy.

Erin

Jimmy's a very fun part of the group chat, and Jimmy is the only one that listens to Hey Riddle Riddle.

Adal

Whoa, sucks to find out like this.

Erin

I know. Well, my mom will drop in at the most inopportune times.

JPC

Jimmy's the only one? What are we doing this fucking show for? It's just Jimmy listening to it. You mean we have one listener and it's fucking Jimmy? Come on!

Erin

He's pretty caught up too. I bet like we'll hear about this within a couple weeks of it coming out that he'll- No, no, no, no.

JPC

There's more than one listener because it's my cousin Lindy and some of Mariah's co-workers.

00:52:37

Erin

Oh, hello Mariah's co-workers. Oh my God, I would have worn a better shirt if I'd known they were here. How do you do?

JPC

What shirts do you have that are better, Erin? Most. White with one rose.

Erin

Hey!

Adal

At the neck. And listeners, I'm talking to you when I say it's time to propose to Molly.

Erin

I know.

Adal

And that's for Mariah's co-workers.

Erin

And a quick reminder that you have to come on the show and ask for all three of our permissions. You promised. Yes. I'll give it in the group chat.

JPC

In riddle form. I'll give my permission in the group chat directly to Jimmy.

Erin

Oh, in front of everybody? Yep. So in the group chat, Mitch and Kathleen expressed that they loved the finale of Widow's Bay. And I was watching it by myself. And so I said, hey, can we do a separate little chat, just the three of us, and you can let me know moments that maybe I can close my eyes, scary moments. And they said, you're good, nothing at all. And then the number one thing that I was scared of seeing happened in that last episode. And I went, why didn't you mention that? And I woke up to a text this morning from my sister going, ha ha, sorry, I closed my eyes for that part.

00:53:50

JPC

Okay.

Erin

And I went, what? Then say you're not qualified to give me a warning.

JPC

But here's the thing, Erin. You know that you don't like scary things, but you're watching a scary show. So like, you're already in pretty deep water here, right?

Erin

Exactly. And that's why I go, hey, beloved brother-in-law, beloved sister, can you guys give me a quick heads up? You don't have to find me the exact minute mark. Just go, hey, when you see something like this, something like this is about to happen. Maybe close your eyes. And that's all I needed.

Adal

We can beep this part, but I'm assuming a lot of people have seen the finale already. The part Erin's talking about is Chris Elliott shows up, and I know that's Erin's number one Number one thing that she doesn't like to see in movies is Chris Elliott.

Erin

I was like, tell me to close my eyes when Chris Elliott shows up. I say that all the time.

JPC

We know when Chris Elliott is about to show up, and that's what she was saying, like, when this happens, tell me, because the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees.

Adal

My knee swells a little bit.

JPC

Yeah. A little bit. A lot. Mr. Modesty. JPC, there's really only like- That's as big as a summer pumpkin. There's really only- A summer pumpkin. Yeah, they're smaller.

00:54:56

Erin

There's really only like one disagreement or argument or fight over on that group chat, like once a year. And it's mostly like pictures and videos of my nieces being funny and sweet. And then yesterday we're talking about Widow's Bay. And then I said, just finished. Let's see if those sluts over on Love Island can cheer me up. And they could not because it's also a bloodbath over there.

JPC

I want to change my request, Erin.

Erin

Sure.

JPC

The one time a year where there's any sort of strife or disagreement or something happening in the group chat that is maybe causing some antagonistic feelings or behavior, I want you to do this. I want you to change my contact in your phone. Actually, I don't think you actually even need to do that. I want you to say, guys, I've hired a professional mediator to help us sort through this, and then I want you to add me to the group chat. Now, I will never reveal that I am me. I will only play- Well, now Jimmy's gonna know, though. Jimmy, you keep this to your fucking self. You take this to your goddamn grave, Jimmy. And then I go in, I pretend to be a professional doctor who is a mediator, I mediate the situation, and then I leave. I promise. I walk away. You never see me again.

00:56:05

Erin

That's actually so funny. JBC, I actually will take you up on that because nothing would make me laugh harder. I fight with my family in individual texts for the most part. I'm not the one. So I'm just saying, like, I'm happy to bring you in to mediate.

JPC

Sure. Back in the day, I had a friend who would find two people with the same first name on Facebook. This is back when people used Facebook. And he would start a group chat, because you could do this on Facebook, with, like, two people named Kevin. And he goes, hey, you're both named Kevin. Enjoy. And then he would leave the group chat.

Adal

Aaron you saying those little sluts on Love Island or whatever makes me think should we do a patreon that's like slut cove or like slut peninsula that's a parody of yeah

Erin

Whenever you want, I'm ready to go. God, that show stresses me out. I think that they should have one normal person on there, or two, like one normal couple, just to keep you grounded and tethered to earth. Because it is. You're just watching hours and hours of it, and you're like, this cannot be what I am, too. Like, I'm not the same species as these people.

00:57:18

JPC

I've watched Love Island before because my wife loves Love Island, but the guy who does the announcing for Love Island, you never see him in the show, but he's just like the voice of Love Island. He's the best part, yeah. And he's so good that he's also the voice, I think, of the U.S. Love Island. I think they tried like a different voice, but they're like, no, this guy's got the best. We just got to use this guy. One time my wife showed me like what that guy looked like and I was like, oh, that guy's like a young looking guy. In my mind, he was like one of those like a Greg Proops level like zany comedians like in his like 50s or whatever. But I was like, no, this is just like a normal looking guy.

Erin

He's like a handsome... He could be on Love Island. Comedian who I think was on a season of Castmaster.

Adal

Welcome to Pretty good. But there's a moment where she was talking about how she's such a nerd or something. She's like, I'm such a nerd. I do cartwheels on the beach. And then she goes, I'm so weird. And I'm like, and she and she was gorgeous. And I'm like,

00:58:37

Erin

I'm a monster to you guys.

JPC

But you know what, weird is different. Everyone has a different baseline for weird. Like, we drink R&P and stuff like that, so we don't know what weird is, huh? But for them, for like a model, who's like a professional model, like, oh, none of my other model friends are doing cartwheels on the beach, so maybe I am weird to my model crowd.

Adal

I leave the fridge door open until it beeps. I'm such a freak.

Erin

Like, okay. Okay, we're gonna finish up these hink pinks.

???

Okay.

Erin

From Sean K. After spinning around and around, this imaginary magical friend should take a seat before he pukes.

Adal

Dizzy Wizzy.

Erin

Yes.

JPC

Dizzy Wizzy.

Adal

I do want to say something. Sure. JPC, you are Wizzy, the Erin's imaginary wizard from her childhood. Erin, you are Erin, and this is- The drinking pee Erin or the Erin Erin?

00:59:49

Erin

Doesn't matter, those are the same thing.

Adal

And this is the day of your wedding, Erin. And this is Wizzy just having a talk to you to say goodbye.

Erin

I'm so sorry you get killed after this.

JPC

No, you know, it goes with the territory. God, I can't believe you're all grown up. I mean, look at you. You look beautiful.

Erin

Aw, thanks. Can I pour you a drink or something?

JPC

Uh, you know, you could imagine me, um, like a Jim Beam wouldn't be bad if you... Ice? Um, yeah. Oh, and if you, uh, while we're imagining things, if you wouldn't imagine me like a little, um, couple bumps of cocaine.

Erin

Yeah, yeah. Because it's my last day, you know. Of course, of course, yeah, yeah.

JPC

It's my last day, kid. Whatever you mean. We had some good times together, chasing around a little tree and casting magic spells. So a little, yeah, a little imagination cocaine. Hey, here's a crazy question. I mean, you're about to get married. This is your wedding day. You're gonna have a day. You're gonna, you know, make memories.

01:00:51

???

Yeah.

JPC

Um, could you imagine Whizzy some hookers?

Erin

I'm way ahead of you. I'm imagining a couple exactly your type.

JPC

Who are these guys? Hey buddy, how's it going? Okay, so when you said my type you meant like mirror images of me. That's not necessarily what I'm attracted to.

Erin

Don't you masturbate in the mirror?

JPC

First of all... That's not masturbation, that's how I cast spells, okay?

Erin

And that's, by the way- Dick out, in the mirror, eye contact with yourself.

JPC

Hey, guy, that's your imagination, okay?

Erin

Me? No, me.

JPC

Not this guy, I don't know this guy. Who, what are you, what's your name guy?

Erin

Don't turn this on me. You know what, Wizzy, I got- Your name's Jizzy?

JPC

Okay, actually I like this guy.

Erin

Yeah, give him a shot. I think you're gonna have a really nice time. Give him a shot?

???

Okay, here's some Jim Beam, here's a little cocaine. Oh, I snorted a Jim Beam and I drank the cocaine. Why do birds suddenly appear? Jizzy, I love this guy. Alright, make your day.

01:01:59

Erin

And you guys have a domino? I'm going, I'm going. You guys have dominoes? You ordered us dominoes? Yeah, that's coming after you guys come. What's up?

???

Can you imagine us? Them swords.

Erin

Them swords?

JPC

Yeah. Erin, please. Some swords. Oh, that's how I want to go out. I want to go out in a duel against Jizzy.

Erin

I need to- I need to find a better therapist. This is me. This is coming from my brain and something's going on. If this is what's rattling around my- You're in a coma, sweetheart. Good and good.

JPC

But you're also getting married. It's like a while you were sleeping situation.

???

But he's also in a coma. But he's in a coma.

JPC

Coming in clutch and lending assistance to the podcast, even Travolta would call this wise puzzle writer wickedly talented.

01:03:08

Adal

Travolta Revolta. Sandy Dandy. Handy Sandy.

Erin

Sandy Sandy. Yep.

Adal

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, please. Could you wash your hands?

Erin

Endorsed by all your favorite 90s celebrities, a new themed restaurant chain celebrates fourth host avatar in the worlds they live on.

Adal

Hard Rock, Planet Hollywood.

Erin

Fourth host's avatar in the world they live on.

Adal

Varney. Cora Cafe. Cora Bora. A Cora Bora Alice. You're close because it's... It's Janet Planet.

Erin

Planet Janet.

JPC

Planet Janet. Cora Boros is an avatar that eats its own avatar.

Erin

And we don't have a voicemail theme, right?

???

Why not? You have called. Hey Riddle Riddle at their voicemail line. We're sure your messages will be sublime. We cannot wait to hear your thoughts, but 30 seconds all you've got. And if somehow you dialed wrong, your chance to bail is almost gone. You have called 805-RIDDLE-1.

01:04:25

JPC

Oh my God. Is that Ben Platt?

Erin

Genuinely one of my favorite ones I've ever gotten.

JPC

That was Ben Platt. Ben Platt didn't leave their name, so I can't give them credit, but thank you so much for submitting. Also, they had a line in that about how long you have to bail. People always assume when they leave a voicemail that there will be an end to it where they can delete the message, but there is not. So sometimes people will call and they'll be like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, how do I delete it? How do I delete it? Okay, just wait. I'll just wait to delete the message. And then I just get a two-minute message of someone freaking out.

Adal

Now we have to do an episode that's just all that. All the overtime voicemails.

JPC

I feel like it's one of these things where it's too mean. If it was Erin leaving the voicemail, I would play it every day on my birthday. But since it's just a listener, I'm like, this is too mean. This is just a person having the ultimate embarrassing experience. Hey guys, big fan, I need your help. I'm taking a stand-up class right now, and while I'm really loving it, when the performance endorphins wear off, I feel so shitty. So I need to know, how do you guys take care of yourselves after a performance?

01:05:33

???

Thank you, love you.

Erin

That's a great question.

JPC

Was that Nate Borgazzi?

Erin

Yeah, I got the Nate rate on that. Yeah, that happens. I didn't know about that. And it happens all the time. And I think it happens a lot after we record remotely. Because you kind of like turn off your computer and all of a sudden you're alone in your apartment. It's like, If you can, try to socialize as a little cap on that experience. Like if you can chat with people after and get the dopamine of like connecting with people and being in community, that's really nice. I think not getting into a routine that requires any sort of substance is a gift that you can give to yourself. I like to, when I get home from a show, drink tea and watch something comforting. But I don't know how much good advice I have. I'm sorry.

01:06:48

JPC

Erin likes to watch Mr. T and drink Southern Comfort.

Erin

Yeah. Until I pass out. I like to drink pee.

JPC

Whiskey mixers. Casey Clippett. Ow, that hurt her physically. Stand-up is hard because stand-up I feel like is also in addition to, it's like a very lonely thing to do as well, right? It's like Erin mentioned like that thing about finding community but I know a lot of times like people do stand-up shows and they leave like before to go do their next set somewhere else you know it's like it's not it's not as easy I think to like hang out when you're when you're doing stand-up. So that could be rough.

Adal

Um, I'd say just get glued to your phone as soon as possible. Walk out of the theater, head down, go get some food. Try and get to bed as soon as possible. Wake up and pretend that never happened.

JPC

Yeah. Get to bed early. Um, I, I also think that if you like you're, you're getting this endorphin crash cause you're getting off the stage, but when you get off the stage, just think of life as another stage for you and never turn off. Whatever it is, like be on all the time. So in social situations, you're still cracking jokes, you're still looking for material, everything is a riff, everything is on. Never turn it off because when you turn, it's like a shark, when you stop swimming, you die. So the only reason that you're feeling bad is because you're quitting too early. You want to keep this going 40, 50 years?

01:08:15

Erin

Pay the date rate! What do we have to plug? Check out Quality Time if you live in Los Angeles. It's been very, very fun recently. It's always fun, but I think we're in especially fun time. And check out Gumshoes and Dragons that we do with Anthony Burch, who is the best. I'm having a lot of fun on that. Our recent one shot that we did for our Patreon, I laughed so hard and then laughed for several hours after we recorded it because the three guys were so funny in it. So check that out if you want. Adal, anything to plug?

Adal

Now is a great time to catch up on Hello from the Magic Tavern. Also, we have a Patreon where we just started our new season of Offices and Bosses, so you can check that out. And also, if you're looking for something to listen to on a summer walk, check out the Word Association, where recently I yelled at Brett because he said that fruit is the fingers of trees.

01:09:24

JPC

Okay, that's not that wrong. That's pretty close to being right.

Adal

That's pretty close to being right. Fruit is the acne or the goiters of trees. JPC, anything to plug or promote or review to read?

JPC

Yeah, I mean, obviously, always pay the Nate rate on our Patreon. $5 a month gets you access to an episode every week. And I do have a review to read. Let's see. This is a five-star review from Bon Bon Angles. Bon Bon says, this is a merch request. I don't know how else to reach you. I had twins in December. Can you guys please sell onesies that say, little monkey bones, thanks. Also, deep cover should have starred you three. I forgot all about that movie. I never saw that movie. That was the movie about the people that were improvisers with Orlando Bloom. And it's like undercover improvisers.

Erin

We should do that for a review crew.

Adal

After Breadwinner. After the Breadwinner.

Erin

Um, it's um, we're not watching Brad Winter. I cannot do it. It's like Bryce Dallas Howard, Orlando Bloom, and then what's his name from?

01:10:24

JPC

Oh, the guy from Ted Lasso.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

Yeah. The Jason Sudeikis. It's not that guy from Ted Lasso. Um, you know what I'm thinking though? What's the thing from Game of Thrones? Like you have to pay, pay the iron Is it Iron Price? I only watched the first season. The Nate Rate. The Nate Rate. I think they should change it. I think they should replace it. I think Theon Greyjoy should have to pay the Nate Rate.

Adal

Tell Cersei it was Nate.

Erin

Alright, well hot dogs I think. And we'll see you guys later.

???

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. How are any parents in the music?

01:11:27

JPC

Hey there, Hoovers and Tahos. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of our s-s-s-s-state series. This week, we're going to Nevada. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

Erin

That was a hate gun podcast.

???

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

???

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan, and we host the podcast That Was Us, now on HeadGum.

???

Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

???

Are we going to cry?

???

Yes. A little bit. Often. A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to That Was Us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.

01:12:29

???

Welcome to a magical place where dice are rolled and stories are told.

???

Welcome to the Fantastic Castle. Hi there, I'm Caldwell. You might know me from NADDPod, but now I am teaming up with my friends Kiana, Raj, and Bri for an all-new take on Dungeons & Dragons cooperative storytelling shows, and this one is for the whole family. Fantastic Castle has all the excitement of D&D without the cussing and filthy jokes that make most other D&D shows, guilty as charged, awkward for kids and parents to listen to together. New episodes drop every Friday, so subscribe to us on Patreon at patreon.com slash fantasticcastle, or check us out wherever you get your podcasts. So come join the adventure, because everyone is welcome in the Fantastic Castle! See you there!

01:13:29

???

Every day as a small business owner feels like solving a puzzle. One moment you're cruising along, and the next, there's a shipping snag that has you scrambling. But here's a surprise you will like. With Progressive, small business owners save 13% on their commercial auto insurance when they pay in full. So go ahead, surprise yourself. Get a quote in as little as 8 minutes at ProgressiveCommercial.com. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Discounts not available in all states or situations.