Which Riddle Riddle?

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1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle.

Adal, Erin, it is, first of all, an absolutely fantastic day. I'm in a great mood. How are you guys doing?

Good, a little suspicious now.

Yeah, I was great before you said that and now I feel fear. Like cold, like when your bones get cold and the hair on the back of your neck stands up.

Okay, don't necessarily know the feeling of bones getting cold. Don't have all the requisite parts to feel that specific feeling.

Do you wash your bones? Hold on, JPC, do you wash your bones?

Oh my God. Ew. Do you not wash your bones?

You don't take out your bones and wash them?

Your teeth are your bones.

I've heard if you exfoliate your bones too much, they actually degrade. So my bones may be even stronger than your guys' bones because I don't wash them every day. That's a myth. That's a myth. That's a what?

You wash them in milk every day. Go ahead. What were you saying? What were you saying about you having a good day and us being good?

Guys, it's a momentous day because today is the start of season three of Hey Riddle Riddle. What the what? Yeah. It's been about 200 episodes since season two started up. So it's season three. Isn't that great news?

Wouldn't that have been like 213 episodes ago? I feel like you're 13 episodes late to whatever this bit is.

No, it was supposed to be 208. But then Adal had a baby or whatever. The schedule got a cut. We had to record a bunch ahead of time. But everybody's back. Adal, confirm that you're alive.

Hey Riddle

And I'll clip that for later. And you're right, because that's some season two behavior. But before we get into season three, guys, I got to just, I want to congratulate the two of you on an outstanding season two. Season two, and I'm looking at the numbers right now, was one of our best seasons yet.

And what numbers are you quantifying?

I'm looking at, Erin, I'm looking at almost all the numbers.

I think you just googled numbers. This is not... What do you mean it's our best season yet?

I'm looking at numbers one through nine, and if you can think of a number that I can't make with those numbers, then I defy you to name that number now.

Zero.

Fuck my shit up completely. Well, some cultures don't have a concept of zero. Which cultures? Good ones, the best. And do the voices. Well, that's the thing I want to talk to you guys about.

You don't think we had a sophomore swamp for season two?

No. Season two was all gas, no breaks. It was, like I said, it was one of our best seasons, one of our most favorited seasons.

Pretty famously, people get flack for their second albums being bad.

Nine years on their first album and then eight months on their second. But we're like the Strokes right now.

In that we're masturbating. We're stroking ourselves.

Yeah, and season three, we're finally gonna come. And let's workshop taglines. There are no bad ideas for season three.

No, that's great by me. Signed off by Erin. We're finally going to come.

Compliment sandwich time for you guys. Obviously, season two, great success. Expanded our relationship massively, but you guys did not necessarily hold up your part of the bargain because, I don't know if you remember, but you were both replaced for season two with new characters This was, hey, you should remember this. This was only four years ago. Do you guys happen to remember your characters at all?

I remember where my desk was in the apartment that I'm still in. It was in the kitchen when we recorded this episode.

That's good.

And it was Pistache LaRue, a horrible woman who slaps people with her glove.

And I was Boingo Calhoun, a, I want to say, lizard in a two-piece bathing suit?

You guys were, of course- You guys wore your cowboy hat you would buy on a bachelorette party trip? I think we nailed that also.

You guys were, of course, Veronica Peppermintz and Nassim Harmonika, two classic characters who, I'll be honest, you guys didn't commit to 100%. That's just the facts, okay? This is not a judgment call. That's just the facts. And honestly, I put that on me, because many people don't know, I was the originator of Veronica Peppermint's and Nassim Harmonica.

Those were characters that I didn't... When I went to go vote this week, my name was under Veronica Peppermint, so what do you mean I didn't commit?

And this morning I went...

Well, okay, so you know what? Then it's not on you at all. It's 100% on me, and I apologize. Season three, I want to go back to what made the show great in the first place. Adal, Erin, and JPC. We're getting the band back together, okay? No more lay-ons. We're just gonna be- Just like The Strokes. Exactly. We're just like The Strokes. We're starting from a Casablanca slate, and we are... Is that the guy from The Strokes? Julian Casablanca. Great. Julian Tabula Rosa. And we are going back to what made us great in the beginning, and that's just the three of us, our dynamic, our energy, no characters, no leons. But, as you know... Sounds like a trap. No, it's not a trap. There's no traps here. We are in season three now, and we do have to... What was the whole point of season two? A clean reset point. Exactly. Expanding the market, expanding the target audience of the show so that we can bring new people in to a show that I gotta say is very good, very funny, very entertaining, and I think people will really like, and people have been craving for these past four-ish years, a jumping off point where they can start and just get into it.

Start anew.

Launch into it.

I see.

All right. So, since we're not doing characters this year, we're going to have to expand. Erin, perfect, you're back. Don't change a thing. Okay, great. We are going to start expanding in other areas. So I was thinking about it, and it's like, you know, honestly, we put out the show, we put out the podcast every week, but we don't always jump on the newest technology to really push the podcast out to the places that I think it could go. And we're really, honestly, we're hiding our talents under a bushel basket, which is why, Erin, we, as the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle, now certain aspects of this I'm going to delegate to the two of you, but the podcast Hey Riddle Riddle, we now have a band camp. Are you guys familiar with band camp?

I'm Don't do this to me. I'm easily tipped over. I'm easily tipped over.

Maybe we'll tell your mother we ate the pussy. Is that something? Yeah, Erin, it's not just that. Bandcamp is a place where artists, musicians, can put up albums of their work and sell them to the general public. Now, Hey Riddle Riddle has an album live on Bandcamp. The link is going to be in the description. I have created a hip hop album. That is all isolated vocals of Erin Keif rapping throughout the history of our show.

I'm gonna jump out the window. I cannot do this.

People can buy the album for $10.

No, no. JPC, you're doing a bit.

It is, Erin, it is 41 minutes of music. I think it's Erin. I think it's some of your best stuff.

Now that's what I call Erin.

Help! Now, Erin, let's talk, because I think this is great. I think this is great.

Now, the one thing I haven't done, Erin- If you're my neighbor, I'm not really asking for help. I just hate my co-worker so much.

The one thing I have not done yet, Erin, is I have not given you a name. Because this album, I believe, I'm going to call Hey Riddle Riddle, but you need a character, your rap persona. So I'm going to give you a choice. I've got two. You can be Queen Queefleafa, or you can be Erin THE Scallion. Now, which one? Which one sounds better to you?

Scallion.

Yeah, Erin the Scallion.

I love that you changed Scallion to Scallion, but you still put the emphasis on the the.

Erin the Scallion or Queen Keifleafa. Which one would you rather be?

I know my choice.

Oh, what's your choice, Adal? I think you gotta go Queen Keifleafa.

I think you gotta go Queen Keifleafa.

Erin the Scallion is so weird and I have to, so I'm attracted to that one. But how do I, I'm trying to look for the button of shutting this whole thing down.

I don't see a big red button. Erin, we're cross purposes there because we can't be shutting this whole thing down because we actually need to push this whole thing out to as many people as possible. And people are going to find this Bandcamp album, they're going to hear Erin's flows and Erin's raps and think like, I famously can't.

I famously can't. I can't rhyme. I can't rap.

Erin, don't talk about my friend that way.

You rhymed pronto with Toronto, I think.

I said JJ made of hay couldn't go to the bonfire. It's the only good poem I ever did right. I can't rhyme. I'm not getting any better at it. I only have gotten worse. You cannot put this out into the world. What if I have a kid one day and then they decide to Google me? What then?

Erin, you're like old Dirty Bastard, famously named thus because he had no influences.

It isn't that true, Erin.

I have no influences because I'm so bad at this. I never paid attention to people who are good at rapping enough, obviously, to take any tips or tricks from them.

All you can do is create art, Erin. I need my lawyer. You don't need to judge your own art. Leave that to the people that buy the album and listen. All you need to do is worry about creating because you're creative. Let me worry about the rest of it, okay?

No.

And Erin, I will protect you from any of the negative aspects of it. Believe me, okay? I'm a record producer. At this point, I am.

Whoa.

Uh-huh. Sure.

I've produced a record.

Yep.

He's taking out a cigar. And he's putting it in the trash, okay? Yeah.

Still not a smoker. Don't light it.

I'm calling my lawyer. I'm calling my lawyer.

Now, Erin, the album that you have on there is great. And I love it. I've listened to it. It's very funny.

Sorry. I'm so sorry. I am calling my lawyer. I'm just waiting for him to pick up.

Hi, this is Adal. I'm away from my phone, so please leave a message. Thank you.

Okay, my lawyer is ignoring my phone calls. I will try again in a second.

But Erin, I know that you were talking about this, Erin, about the sophomore slump, you know, season two, season three. Your next album has to be absolute fire. So the other thing that I've done on your behalf is I have contacted a hip hop producer in Chicago. I've been scouring the Chicago hip hop subreddit. I don't know, this gentleman's name is either WAMP or W.AMP. I'm not really sure which one it is, but we have been in contact. I have paid him to create some beats for you. So, oh, I'm sorry, Adal, you taking a call?

Yeah, I had a missed call. I have to call one of my clients back. Okay, yeah, no worries. Which just sucks because I always tell her don't call when I'm recording.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Is it on speaker? Cause it would be nice to hear the ringing in that part.

Hello?

Hi, is this, uh, Erin the scallion?

Yes, Adal, thank you so much for taking my call. I am looking to send in a cease and desist to John Patrick Coan, my coworker. I don't want him to get to use my voice or my likeness or any of the content I made on Hey Riddle Riddle to make a rap album. Could you draft a cease and desist to send him and then serve him?

Okay. Here's the thing is I'm not fully a lawyer and I'm also not quite a doctor. So what I could do is I could remove a cyst from someone who's deceased.

Okay, I'm gonna figure... I think that will help and I'm gonna call you back and I'm gonna let you know.

That's for the best. Thank you.

Okay, thank you. Love you.

That'll be $500.

Okay. Oh my god, I just told my lawyer I loved him. I'm so embarrassed.

WAMP or W.AMP, Erin. He's been very lovely. We've been working back and forth. He, by the way, loves what you do. Because I sent him the album. I kind of explained to him the idea. He's a big fan.

So this is already really in motion.

Oh yeah, it's almost unstoppable. He has made some beats for you. So you're going to have brand new beats, custom made by a Chicago, real Chicago hip hop producer. Should we save this for the 250th parade or whatever?

We're You get to rap.

You get to. Thank you, Adal. Adal gets what's happening.

So you're not using my old raps here?

No, that's your first album. We have to also cut your second album because, you know, money doesn't sleep, Erin. I'm not sure if you think, if you're under the impression that money sleeps. It does not.

It also doesn't grow on trees, sweetie.

I'm trying to sign into my DocuSign to bring up this season to assist.

Um, alright, and as is Aaron's want, Adal, we're gonna turn off our videos for this so Aaron can rap.

Oh my god, it's happening now? Yeah, well, there's no time like the present.

Hey Aaron, just think, Adal's up next. Just think, Adal's up next, so what's it gonna be for him, you know?

Aaron, rhyme with DocuSign.

Okay, so Aaron, whenever you're ready, Casey, go ahead and hit it.

Wait, what am I rapping about? Give me something to rap about!

Rapping.

Rap about rapping.

This is the same beat.

No, it's different.

This is the same one.

This is different. Erin, theirs went dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, and this one goes dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh, her famous catchphrase.

Hold on, guys.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Casey, we gotta stop.

Hold on, hold on. That's like her, uh, or her, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Casey, let's hit that track again. Let's give Erin a second bite of the apple.

Here we go.

Go, Erin.

Okay, hold on. Here we go. I'm waiting for it. It's a game of double dutch. Ready?

Nope.

I'm about to put myself on the map, and I'm about to rap about rap. My name is Erin the Scallion, and I'm gonna send out my best battalion. That's a bunch of soldiers to rap for me. All these soldiers are getting older. Just like me. It's been ten years on the show. Wait, it's just been eight though. They're just aging me faster and faster. These jerks make me so tired. I'm feeling especially wired. I'm drinking coffee at my desk. My internet's cutting in and out. I can't shout. I can't do anything. Use shout to clean. Erin the Scallion! What's up, y'all? I love onions. And I'm about to rap. JPC sucks so bad. I cannot believe he became a dad. And someone has to have him as a dad. That's gonna be a long, long life. And you know what? I feel bad for his wife. Mariah deserves better than that. I'mma buy her a brand new hat. Shoo-ba-doo, shoo-ba-you, shoo-ba-me, I'll kick your ass. I'll kick your ass so damn hard. Fuck you, man. I'm gonna make your wife fall in love with me and we're gonna leave together. Fuck you. Erin the Scallion.

Erin, I think that's pretty great. I think the second album that you drop I think is gonna be your best one.

How the bait and switch of that sounding like a different beat is so fucking funny. Also, guys, this is just the funniest possible bit for my internet to be coming in and out. And I sound like a robot to me every five seconds. It sounds I wish you guys could hear what I hear. It's so funny.

Oh, well, Erin, I think you did great. You have a lot of time to workshop kind of the specifics of what you're going for. But that's not it. I mean, that's that's us expanding into the world of music. But I want the show to expand even more than that.

Oh, you don't want me to do it again?

You don't need to. I mean, well, of course, over the course of season three, you'll be doing that a bunch of times, most likely. But in season two, you know, we had these characters. In season three, it's all about outreach through platforms, which is why I have signed us up for some new platforms that are going to help expand our reach. Now, the first one, are you guys familiar with the platform OnlyFans?

Now, I bet you think, like most people do, big misconception, that OnlyFans is a sex-only website. Is a website for people who are performing sex acts to find their clientele that way.

Well guess what? You'd be wrong. You'd be dead wrong. What? Did you know that there are many, many comedians on OnlyFans? What? Including Whitney Cummings and others. I mean, it's in the name. It's in the name.

I'm waking up for my nap. Gonna write a rap.

Good Erin, you keep working on that. So Hey Riddle Riddle now has an OnlyFans. Again, that link will be in the description. Now again, OnlyFans is a website where we can do anything that we want. We can sell any kind of services that we want.

I was gonna say, if I put one, my worst foot, my uglier foot on there, can it be behind a bonus paywall on there?

Oh, it's definitely a paywall. I mean, we're not, we're trying to find people, but we're also, you know, we're trying to get a little for mommy and daddy as well. You know, we're not, we're not doing this for free. The main show is for free, you know. But I wanted, I wanted to give us the opportunity. It does not have to be, you know, solo masturbation videos or whatever. You could upload what you want to upload to this program, but I want to give you some jumping off points. Group masturbation videos. So Adal. Yeah. I was thinking for your kind of, you know, side of the OnlyFans business, it is, because I'm trying to combine things that I know that you like and I know that you love and I know that you have a passion for, so your channel is going to be called Rate My Pussy. Now this is going to be for users to submit pictures of their cats so that you can give honest reviews of what you think people's cats are and maybe even like help them name their cats if their cats are looking for names. I don't think this could possibly be misconstrued.

Is there a quality control person that is going to be sifting through the pictures that misunderstand?

Ding ding ding, volunteer alert, Erin. Okay, so it sounds like Erin's found her calling.

I'll name your pussy. Let me name your pussy.

So yeah, so I mean Adal, you'll be doing Rate My Pussy. I assume that that's going to be a very profitable business line for us. And again, I think we should set it at something fair. $10 sounds like a good idea. People can submit those photos to you and then you can act accordingly. And again, I don't think it'll be misconstrued in any way. Erin, sounds like you want to jump in on the one foot, one foot fetish?

Yeah, I'll do one foot, but also if people want to request parts of my body that are inherently not sexual, like an ankle or an elbow. That's part of the foot.

You're gonna show foot but no ankle?

Now, No, you know what I will do? I will pose in more clothes than I normally wear. I'll be completely covered. And then people can, you can pay for those photos. Like I will look like Victorian ghost, completely covered. I will wear powder white makeup, sink my eyes even more. And so if you're into that type of thing,

And of course, for my channel, I'll be sucking and fucking and letting people fuck me and suck me into all of those things. Mine's just going to be straight up OnlyFans content.

Is it true that we have an OnlyFans?

Are you pulling my leg? We have a Bandcamp and an OnlyFans, and those are the two big new entries into this. And of course, I'm joking, I won't be doing any of that because I, after crunching the numbers for myself, I'm

Have you guys seen the video of that little robot dancing to Michael Jackson and then he falls down and then he gets dragged off stage? It's the funniest video of all time.

I've not seen it.

I used to be scared of robots and that they were taking our job and after seeing the video of a little robot dancing to Michael Jackson and falling down and not being able to work anymore, I think I like the little guys. I like them all, guys.

I'm so excited to watch that video on our break.

It is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

So, JPC, hypothetically, the next time we record and it's on a guest episode, and I did a full episode with maybe no riddles that's called The Sins of JPC, and I sort of take you to task um and make you face your crimes sort of like putting a dog's face in their own throw up um just so they know to not eat the cookies.

Can it be a play on the crimes of Grindelwald?

You don't know what that is.

No I don't.

Hey buddy you don't know what that is.

And in fact I don't know what that is.

Um I think I actually think you kind of have it backwards. I think Adal and I have been Chugging along, we're... Interesting. Dopamine peppermints or whatever the fuck our name was.

No, I don't even remember.

We've been doing all the good stuff. And I would say, can we revisit your list of demographics that you were trying, that you said that you brought last time? And I'll prove to you that you've completely lost all of them.

The demographic that I cover is male-identifying and non-binary people between the ages of 18 and 54 who have one, if not all, of the following predilections and or perversions. Mouth stuff, butt stuff, back of the envelope stuff, tub thumping, dry humping, wet clumping, chlysopamelia, people who earnestly say that's so funny instead of laughing, family guy porn, family porn for guys, voyeurism, exhibitionism, patriotism, necromancy, feeling fancy, feeling up mannequins, urophilia, Eurovisionphilia, Disney adultism, hot wifing, cool treating, dairy queening, spider worship, saying wow like Owen Wilson, rheumatoid arthritis, peridium swiping, doomsday prepping, tailgating, roblox, roadhead, antique roadshow head, treasure hunting, renting Tom Holland's Uncharted for $1, watching the whole thing and wishing we had that dollar back, Pickleback Shots enjoying blowjobs being a sexual little rascal, and Reverse Fartners. Without me, we lose all of those perverts. First of all, in season two, Erin, not only did I not lose all of them, but I expanded our reach dramatically. And I guess if you're really challenging me, if you're calling me out on this, I have a brand new list of demographics of very specific fetish communities that I appeal to greatly, I will have you know. I didn't want to have to pull this out, Erin, but without me, we would not have the following listener bases in these specific fetish communities. Horse Whisperers, Swine Tasters, a.k.a. Hogmarliers, Three-Toed Sluts, Armadildos, Beaver Pelters, Platypussy Eaters, Sextuplets, Sexy Triplets, Suckpuppets, Size Queens, Dong Duchesses, Cock Countesses, Baronesses of Balls, Lotion Smoothers, that one's actually default to everyone, you have to turn it off in settings, Lebanese Sisters, Geppettophiles, Wall E-Girls, Merry Poppins Boners, Captain Hookers, Comics Unleashed, Fartographers, people who make maps out of farts, Chasers, Catchers, First Base Coaches, Organ Grinders, Lollipoppers, Subway Sandwichers, people who mash up against each other on trains, Hornswogglers, Horny Swallowers, Grek and Furries, Furby Fisters, Hunting Wives, Gathering Milfs, K-Cup Demon Hunters, Stay-at-Home Uncles, Analgy Sycophants, Grad Students, that one's real, People Living Up the Plot to the Graduate, Russell Brand Ambassadors, Russell Stover Stuffers, and Femme Don Torettoes. Yay!

I think that you're completely wrong.

Without me, Erin, we lose access to all of that.

You think that the Geppettophiles are not here for Adal? You're insane. You're insane. They're here for Adal. Make yourself known in the comments.

I'm a real boy. You don't have to. You don't have to make yourself known, Geppettophiles.

Make yourself known, Geppettophiles. We know you're out there, and we know you love Adal. Holy fuck.

Either way. Look, all we know for sure is that the pedophiles are listening. That's all we know. That's all we know.

They're always listening, by the way. That's sort of part of their thing. Oh my god. Okay, well, I don't even know what's left between your first list and this new list. Who do I bring to the table?

And I weeped for there were no more worlds to conquer, Erin. That's what I'm saying. You're going to bring a lot of people to the table with your Bandcamp and your OnlyFans, and that's good. And it's good for the whole podcast. It's all good. Right?

Adal, should we do his performance review now?

Not while he's hosting the episode. I think that's when he has the most power, so I think we have to wait until he's not hosting and that's when his power is diminished and we might be able to kill him like that witch said.

Yeah, then I'll go to the West when my power is diminished.

Yeah, I'll do an abridged one. JPC, do you mind stepping into the office here with me and Adal?

Unfortunately, it is time to go on a little break. We still have advertisers. You know, some things never change, Erin.

I'm going to have security tackle you.

For a little break, we'll be back.

Stop taking stuff off of people's desks and backing up.

We still have advertisers after saying je-pedophiles? We have more. We even have more now. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey everybody, it's your old pal JPC, and I want to talk to you about Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Now, I know what you're thinking. JPC, a wizard hit me with a stick. I have no idea what you're saying. It's all gibberish. Please explain in a way that makes me understand. Well, understand this. Squarespace has cutting-edge designs. With their cutting-edge design tools, anyone can build a professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business. You can choose from a library of professionally designed and award-winning website templates. No matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. The intuitive drag-and-drop editing, beautiful styling options, unrivaled visual design effects, And more ways to list what you offer, no experience required. But I know what you're thinking. JPC, a wizard hit me with a stick. I don't have the ability to do that because my hands are now birds. Well, Squarespace has SEO tools. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated site map, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. And I know what you're thinking. I don't know who my ideal customers are because all I can talk to are squirrels and they are so sexist. Well, we can't help you with the squirrels, but what we can tell you to do is head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch use offer code riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Ugh, this sweater's so hot. Why am I wearing a sweater during the summer? Ugh.

Erin pulls down sunglasses. Erin, baby, get with the times.

Alright, cool vibe.

It's summer-ish, perhaps, and you have to go to Quince to get some lightweight, breathable Quince wearables.

Oh, that sounds so nice. I love Quince.

Yeah, everything at Quince is priced 50-80% less than similar brands, and they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen, so you're paying for quality, not brand markup, Erin.

Quince goes way beyond clothing. They have custom upholstered sofas, ceramic cookware, premium bedding. It's the kind of brand you end up recommending to everyone for everything. I'm moving this summer, and I have so many things favorited from Quince. I want curtains from there. I want some of their kitchen stuff. Their rugs are unbelievable and priced so fairly, and I'm so excited that Quince exists. Perfect timing, Quince. Thank you.

Gemma got a 100% European linen fit and flair midi dress from Quince that she is obsessed with. It looks great on her. And they also have stuff for babies. So we've put little Crumpet in some beautiful, adorable little breathable summertime cotton onesies.

Oh, cute.

You gotta elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash riddle.

Erin, I'm grilling up some pants. Yum. Wait, what? Summer, baby.

And this is Lou. I'm wearing a funny top hat. And here's a picture of Lou. And she's just laying in the sun. She's so cute. And here's Lou. Look how gray her snoot is getting. She's just so precious. I'm so obsessed with my dog.

Erin, Erin, you said you had something really important to talk to us about, and this is that.

Oh yes, yes. 91% of dog parents say their pup is an important member of the family, and 40% would even save their dog over a human stranger. Safe to say people are obsessed, and I'm one of them. And that's why I gave my dog Ollie. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals with the highest quality ingredients.

Yeah, plus from the moment you start your subscription to Ollie, everything is tailored to your pup. The meals are perfectly portioned and you get a pup tainer and scoop for easy storing and serving. My dog Spaghetti absolutely loves Ollie food. Around four o'clock every day, she starts snapping at me because it's like, I'm like, yeah, it's kind of almost dinner time. But she is so excited for dinner time since we switched to Ollie.

Oh, look, Lou's getting near the microphone. What is it, Lou? Ollie.

Ollie.

Now.

That's not her voice. I'm obsessed with her. I can tell you what her voice is. This is her voice. With Ollie, you don't just get food. Through their app, you can actually check on your dog's health with real vets. Just by uploading a picture, their team can check up on your dog's weight, digestion, teeth, and cope because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be. And that's me, Lou, and this is my voice.

Get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to ollie.com slash riddle. Tell them all about your dog and use code riddle to get 70% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O L L I E.com slash riddle and enter code riddle to get 70% off your first box. Ollie, feed the obsession.

Isn't that right, spaghetti? Yeah, that's right! Only dog food is good dog food! That's her voice? That's her voice. That's John Travolta in a dog suit. No, it's- Yeah, that's John Travolta. Look at the beret. Guys, I wish it weren't true, but it's her voice. Hey everybody, JPC here, and I want to talk to you about Rocket Money, but I couldn't do it without my two friends. Adal, what's up, Adal? And Erin, what's going on, Erin? Classic. Classic you guys. Anyway, Rocket Money. Let's talk about it. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that is going to help you get your life together. Rocket Money can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones within the app with just a few taps, saving users over $880 million in cancelled subscriptions. Erin, how does that sound? You guys don't speak Erin's language, but to me, I know that means very good. Plus, they have automatic transaction categorization across accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns. If you are saving for something big like a wedding, which I have saved for before, it can help set budgets and goals. Plus, you get personalized insights and regular reports and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. Plus, users who create a financial goal with Rocket Money save over $70 on average within the first 30 days. Wow, Adal, $70. That sounds like a lot of money, huh? Wow. Well, you can also use their automated savings features that grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequencies. It's a set it and forget it approach, but don't take my word for it. You got to try it out yourself. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

JPC, thank you so much for coming back into break. We're in the middle of your performance review. I want to start with a little feedback from you. What accomplishments are you most proud of in the last 200 and something episodes?

Erin, that's such a great question. Let me answer your question with a question. This is a riddle from Katra. Katra is not a listener, but their friend Aidan is a listener, and Aidan said that they should submit this riddle, and then they would listen to the podcast to hear it. So that was in 2019. So hopefully they submitted this riddle, and then they stuck around for seven years to hear it right on the show. Katra, I assume that this is your favorite podcast. After this, you can stop listening. This is the beginning and end of your journey. I suck on your thumb while you gouge out my eyes, and then I will go and beat up ten guys.

I feel like, Erin, I feel like it's going to be something from the list like sock puppets or Lebanese sisters.

Twins.

Whatever.

Whatever the hell he was talking about. Is it like a boxing glove or like... Ooh, a boxing glove.

It's not a boxing glove, but I do love that. I do love that. That's a... Could you read it again? You're in a good direction. Oh, bowling ball. Adal, it's a bowling ball. I suck on your thumb while you gouge out my eyes, then I will go and beat up Taylor Nance.

I don't want to bowl anymore. Adal, you are a hand. JPC, you are a bowling ball. And you guys had obviously like a run-in a couple nights ago, and you're seeing each other out. And JPC, you kind of think that maybe this could turn into a romance because of how intimate that was.

All right, let's just get the thumb in here. Welcome back. Are you? You're 13 pounds.

That's your name, right? Keep your goddamn voice down.

Oh, sorry.

Hi. Hey. My name is Rolodex, which is the brand of bowling ball that I am. 13 pounds is my fucking weight, okay? I'm sorry.

That's, um, I apologize.

I don't look at you and say, what, like, I don't know, what, 180, 190? But trim.

162.

162. Keep it at 3.

That's actually... Keep it at 3. That's actually... Maybe not enough for how tall you are, but listen... Babe, I'm gonna get a hot dog from concessions.

Can I get you anything? Like a beer or anything?

Bowling ball. Do-do-do-do bowling ball. Not sentient at all.

Um, yeah.

Why sing?

Uh, get me some, um, get me some, uh, bowling, some bowling ball. Three holes. Um, nachos. What did I say?

Oh, is this the bowling ball that you used the other night? Oh, yeah. Bowled that perfect game? Introduce me.

Oh, was it a perfect game? It just seemed like... Oh, this is... Who the fuck is this?

Hi, I'm the fiancé. I'm the fiancé. 145 pounds. So... What the fuck? What the fuck was that?

Wow, she's cheating on you.

What?

Wow, she's cheating on you.

Okay, I need to dry off. I'm going to hit this button here.

Oh, you know what? You're just going to get wet as soon as you put your hand back in. There's no reason to dry off.

What are you doing in there? Are you filling up the hole? Stop being wet. Come on.

You're putting your fingers in my mouth. What am I doing in there? What am I doing in there?

Listen.

And only one holds my mouth.

Listen, she's looking over here. Clearly she's suspicious. I'm going to pick you up. Not, no fingers in the holes. I'm going to do the sort of like cradle spin thing.

Everything else is my ass. So when you're touching me, it's either, it's either one of my holes or my ass. I mean, I better go ass.

Seat! Better to cradle the ass than fingers in the mouth. Better go ass. Am I crazy? Erin, right? Am I crazy?

You're not crazy. You're not crazy. And this is what I mean about the Geppetto files.

Be very careful. Geppetto. Geppetto files.

Geppetto files.

And now we should legally say these are people who want to fuck Geppetto?

Yes, pedophiles are people that want to fuck real boys. Ge-pedophiles are people that want to fuck ge-pedos.

Yeah, men with white mustaches that would work.

And aprons. And aprons.

Old Italian woodworkers. Yeah, old Italian woodworkers, which, hold on. I'm Jiminy Cricket and these are the Geppetto Flies.

Italy, 1541.

I would watch 18 of those episodes in a hotel room and I would love every second of it.

Laurence Fishburne is like, what are you asking me to do? Whatever, it's the History Channel. You heard us. I make $180. I'll do it. I'll say whatever. Okay, this is another listener. This is a listener submitted a riddle, I should say, from Abby. Abby says, I am a letter. I am a change. I am a wing. What am I? X. Ooh, X. No, it's not X. Is it a letter of the alphabet? It is a letter of the alphabet, yes.

I'm a letter, I'm a wing, and what were the other ones?

I'm a letter, I am a change, I am a wing. What am I?

Hmm. Now I was thinking X-Wing.

Oh, I love that.

From Star Wars, and also Letter of the Alphabet. And change... X-Change? No.

But we established this on X. It's not X, it's not X. I'm a wing. Yeah, I'm a wing.

It's not like W or E. Linda McCarthy?

No. It's not W and it's not E. It's not The Wings. And it's not Paul McCartney's band The Wings.

Is it Buffalo Wild?

Is it Buffalo Wild? I'm a wing, I'm a letter, I'm a change.

What's the third one? A change.

I am a letter, a change, and a wing.

Now, change, is that like C? Yeah. Like for scent?

No, it's not C. Is it like a letter that they use in math to indicate that something's changing?

Okay, is it a letter that they use in math? I actually don't know if this is a letter that is used much in math, but yes, no, I'm looking it up now, and yes, it is a letter that is used in math, yes.

Welcome to

Hey Riddle Riddle Some of the Gresham furries would know this alphabet, I would say. Furries? Gresham furries. It's the Greek alphabet. I'll give it to you again. I am a letter. I am a change. I am a wing. What am I? Beta? I am a part of a river as well, I could say. Sticks.

Zeta.

No, it's not the zeta part of the river. The Mississippi famously has one of these. Damn. No.

Omega.

Kappa. Gamma.

Theta.

Start at the beginning. Alpha. Beta.

Alpha.

Beta. Something. Delta. Epsilon. Delta.

Something. Delta. Kappa. Pi. Lambda.

Something something omega.

And then of course at the end it's, well I think actually it's omega at the end.

Now I know my Greek BCs.

The third one is gamma. It's alpha beta gamma. Those fuckers couldn't put a C in there? Those motherfuckers?

What do we need C's for anyways? What word?

Floating boats. You guys got it. It's Delta. And are you familiar with a Delta wing? Apparently it's a kind of aircraft. I was not familiar with a Delta wing.

I don't know what that is.

But also Delta is an airline. So he could have been an airline. And JBC is a gamma cuck?

Write that down on your little list.

Write that down on your little list. Use that for your little comedy podcast.

Use it for your comedy podcast. One of your little sketches.

Thank you, Abby, for submitting that one. That was an excellent one. I want to see a quick scene. Adal and Erin, you are going to be two Air Force test pilots. You are in the new Delta plane, but neither one of you know what the fuck you're doing or how to fly it.

I'm

I'm

We're speed dialing your ex. Oh God. Don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't pick up.

Don't pick up. Heard it from a friend who... I like this song.

Heard it from a friend who... Okay, we have the cover over the windshield. That's why we couldn't see. That's part of it that we couldn't see.

They shouldn't put a cover with palm trees on the inside. That's confusing.

That is confusing because we are in a tropical place. Let's see. I've flown a plane before. Um, okay. Yeah, this should be easy. Um, let's see. Beep boop bop, beep boop boop. Turn on all these lights. This seems important. Um, hey, radio tower, tower, coming in tower, tower. Houston, Houston one, if that's where you guys are based. I'm not totally sure. Tower one, Houston.

Do planes report to Houston?

Uh, yeah, this is Tower One Houston. Uh, what is the stated emergency and where in space are you?

Oh, uh, we are, uh, we're still on the runway, um, so we're on ground space.

Uh, need help ya, click.

Oh, god, uh, uh, it can't do that.

Call back in line, call back in line.

Okay, I'm gonna call back in line. Beep boop boop boop, Houston.

This is Houston.

Hi, um, I am in space by Neptune. And I was wondering how you fly a Delta plane. What?

Are you a Muppet in space?

No, no.

We put you fuckers up there for a reason. We do not want you coming down. Do not bring Godzilla back to this planet.

I will make sure to kill any Muppets I see up here, sir. What? We are up here by Neptune and we are trying to start this Delta flight on our rocket ship. It's part of a very secret mission you might not know about. Can you Google how to fly a Delta plane?

I mean, I can Google anything. Will you?

Will you?

Well, that's a good question. I might, I might, but you gotta say something nice about me.

Um, you sound like the lead singer of REO Speedwagon.

I was!

What? For one beautiful month.

You're telling me I'm talking in front of you?

I'm not John REO. I am Ted Speedwagon. The owner of Netflix? Yes, I'm Ted Speedwagon, the owner of Netflix.

Mario Speedwagon from Peoria, Illinois. Is that true?

Yeah, Ted and Richard Pryor. Okay, speaking of Pryor, prior to the show we were doing riddles and now we're back to it. Here's a riddle from a book. With three letters, I am an action. Add another and I call upon one. All five letters transport the bacon.

What transports the bacon?

It's a five-letter word for transports the bacon.

Three-letter word is an action. Add a letter and it's what?

Three letters, I'm in action. Add another, I call upon one. All five letters transport the bacon.

I feel like we have to work backwards, Erin. What transports bacon?

I know. Ham.

Ham. Does ham transport the bacon? I do want to see a scene.

Oh no. Oh no.

Yeah, what a sweet scene. Okay, so Erin, Adal and I are out to dinner. It's a barbecue restaurant and you are our server, but you are a very obviously a cartoon pig and we feel very self-conscious about that.

Badoo, badoo, badoo, badoo. What can I get you, boys? Badoo, badoo, badoo, badoo.

Oh, she has a speech impediment. Just a check. Just a check.

Oh, you haven't even ordered yet. Badoo, badoo. What can I get you?

We got really good stuff today. Chef's special is a pig on a spit that the chef has spit on himself. We got bacon beans, bacon bits. Shake and bake. Easy bacon oven. We make a full easy bake oven out of bacon. Ham. John Ham. He'll come out and serenade you and then you can take a big old bite of his arm. Pork. Spork. Stork. What else? What else we got? Sorry, I'm supposed to memorize these specials, but I'm a little all over. What can I get you?

I think the issue, um... Bacon Bloody Mary? I think the issue I'm having is that your image is on the menu with like, it's like you with an apple in your mouth and like... Oh, so you recognize me.

Or someone that looks like you.

It might not be you.

It's me. It's me. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. Yeah, I modeled for it. I look pretty cute. I thought, my wife thought I looked pretty cute before they... Yeah. They cooked her. They cooked her and they ate her.

I think we'll just split the Jon Hamm thing.

Okay, yeah, I'll send him out.

Is it cargo? Is it train?

Oh, that's a smart guess.

No, it is not train at all. Would you hazard a guess? Freight. Semis. With three letters, I'm in action. It's not like a specific action, this three letters. It's like these three letters can be like, Hey Riddle No, it's more like, um, uh, how you would, like, uh, think like conjugation, like how you would, um, not fucking somebody in prison, uh, how you would, like, um, make a verb an action verb. Uh, maybe this one will help you. Add another, and I call upon one.

Call upon an action?

So, um, no, like call upon, like, one that you would call upon. Like, I call upon one. Door. No, we were actually doing this maybe earlier in the episode. There was like a lawyer bit, I believe. Dial. Not a bit. Something that really happened. Dial. Text. Not dial. Judge. Think more like the receiving end of a dial.

Pick up.

Call.

What do you hear? You dial. A tone. Rings. Ring!

Bring. Ring.

Hey Riddle Riddle. I know for sure that there's a Weezer song that references bringing home the bacon, so I know that every Gen Xer will understand it. Here's another one, it's another kind of a similar. Shorter than my sisters, but taller in loyalty, you can sometimes find me pressing a key. Oh no, it's not piano player. The first two letters of that are correct, and I honestly thought you were going to get it. Like just absolutely nail it. No, not little.

Tiny? Nope, not tiny. What did I say?

Piano?

Piano.

Yes. Shorter than my sisters, but taller in loyalty. You can sometimes find me pressing a key.

Is it an instrument?

It's not an instrument. Pinky!

It's pinky!

Whoa, I do want to see a scene.

Can I just say how much I love pressing A key, which is pressing A key, which you do use your pinky to press the A key with, and the Mavis Beacon teaches typing nothing?

That is outstanding.

That is brilliant.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a pinky. Well, we saw this bowling scene with a hand.

No, no, I want to see it. I'm ready.

Okay, you're a pinky. JPC, you are a thumb. And the two of you, you just cannot find common ground while trying to decide what to do on your day off.

Hey girl!

We match.

Same nail polish. Holy smokes.

We match. Same nail polish. Holy smokes. Yes, we are on the same hand we have been for our entire life.

Yes.

Great observation, pinky.

You work so hard. You are doing so much of the heavy lifting. You're turning all those knobs all day. Yep. And I just want to say I really appreciate it. And I hope you have a great day off.

Well, thank you. I, um... You know, I want to apologize. I came at it with some negative energy. That was maybe one of the nicer things that I've ever heard, and I, um...

I know we don't get a lot of time together other than when we're doing like sobriety tests where you have to touch your thumb to every finger, but I want you to know you're like a father figure to me and the other girls. Well, we're the same age.

Ah, you ruined it.

We're the same age. We see you as sort of like a grandfather type character to us. What the fuck? And even though we're far away from you and Pom is between us, we just care about you a lot, okay?

You know, you know... I wanted today to be different, but it's the condescending nature, the way that you talk to me just because I have a more gravelly voice because I get used more often.

Oh, no, we think you're so great. We are also just dancing because it's Middlefinger's birthday. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. She's wild. Is she nuts? I love her. You know what?

I'll say what every finger on this hand is thinking.

Hey, come on. You're drunk.

We do not need you. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. What? Someone opened a wine bottle with me and I just, I kind of got a little on me, but I'm not drunk.

Oh, I'm sorry. You are a superfluous finger. No, I'm not. I know that you're a utility, but you can't wear a pinky ring like I can. And pointer finger, obviously, is so important. She just sort of points to where we have to go. Middle fingers, the wild middle child that protects us. Ring finger is the hopeless romantic. And then there's... Nobody wears pinky rings.

Pinky rings are for assholes and scumbags, okay? If you're buying something that you think might be coke at a pool hall, you go into the person with a pinky finger.

I'm classy, and you're drinking tea or alcohol, and to indicate that you're a class act, you put your pinky up.

No, that's what assholes do. Assholes do that. No classy people do that.

Speaking of assholes, you go up an asshole or two, huh? Don't you? No, I guess that's pointer fingers.

We all do that. We all do that. Yes, it is pinky. Congratulations. You guys got that one. I liked that one a lot.

I found Gemma and I went to the Lyric Opera House in Chicago to see Madama Butterfly. And it was quite good, and I had never seen it, but the lead character is like a U.S. soldier or something who goes to Japan to find a wife. But his name is like General Pinkerton, which is why it's called Pinkerton. And I did not know that's why the album was called Pinkerton.

Yeah, it was originally like supposed to be like a concept album, like space opera thing. But yeah, it's based off of Madame Butterfly. Yeah. Wild. Yeah, absolutely wild. I think he wrote it. Rivers wrote that like his year at Harvard because he went to Harvard for a year, but it was after the Blue album. And he was a little bit older. So it'd be like, Not a massively popular, but popular enough. Rico Kasich produced that album, so it's like a pretty big album comes out, and then I think they put Buddy Holly on every Windows computer. It came with your install for Windows, and then that guy's just in your Harvard class, and you're like, the fuck?

That's like when Natalie Portman went to Harvard, where it's like, is that the professional? Hey Derek, isn't that the professor?

I'm trying to learn. I'm at Harvard.

Okay, here's your next riddle, and then I think we'll probably, we'll probably have time for, we'll see how it goes.

I have half a mind to go to Washington.

There's a letter from Santa.

You guys, what just happened back there? What happened to me? I blacked out.

All good stuff. A mirror image at best. A set of brothers put gravity to the test. If you need a hint, it's up your alley. With the correct word, wrong won't be in the finale.

Pumper, toes, feet.

No, Erin, you've got your OnlyFans on the mind, which is not a bad thing, but let's try to keep it... I'm so mad that OnlyFans thing was fake.

I was about to show everyone my butthole.

I think you said it was like whatever non-sexual.

Yeah, that's not sexual to me. Sorry, it's not.

I'll show people my butthole because it's not important to me.

It's none of my business, right?

It brings me no joy.

It doesn't spark joy.

Marie Kondo that shit.

Yeah, I'll throw it in the trash.

I would absolutely get rid of my butthole. It does not spark any joy.

We should say we are selling Marie Buttholes, which is the author of... Tell them what it is.

Yeah, I would fold my butthole. I'd keep my butthole and I'd fold it really specifically and put it in the drawer.

I am pretty proud of how to get rid of your shit by Marine Bo. A joke that works for no one.

A mirror image at best.

Let's show people how the sausage gets made.

That makes me think of, like, two halves of a body. Okay. Like, things that are usually symmetrical, but sometimes they're not.

Yes. Erin loved that. That's great.

So, like, wheels on a car, or, like, um, am I close?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Am I thinking the right way?

You're thinking the exact right way.

Okay.

Like, the, yeah, especially that first thing that you said. Great.

Like a body part.

A set of, yeah, a set of brothers put gravity to the test.

What body part puts gravity to the test? All of them. They're all being affected by gravity. Eyes, ears, hands, knees, nipples, tits.

It's not tits. If you need a hint, it's up your alley. Oh, butthole.

My butthole is symmetrical to my vagina? No, what would it be symmetrical to? You can't use that because Lou's barking.

You can't use it.

My butthole is symmetrical to my vagina.

It's worth it to have Lou bark in there, so that stays in the episode.

With the correct word, wrong won't be the finale.

Trousers.

Wrong.

My favorite one, and this is, of this, is a set of brothers put gravity to the test. These are real-life brothers that it's referencing.

Wright brothers! I'm literally reading the David McCullough Wright brother biography right now.

Whoa.

That's crazy. Of course it's the Wright Brothers.

You should be focusing on riddles, Erin. You shouldn't be reading biographies right now.

Well, it's very, very good. You guys, that Wright Brothers book, I'm going to start doing what you do with the Jack Reacher stuff, is all the different fun, creative ways that David McCullough calls them gay. Like, enthusiastic lifelong bachelors. Happy lonely fellas. And you're like, okay, these were gay brothers. Let's just, they're just gay. They were just gay. And let's just relax.

It's hard to be gay in Ohio in what, the 1930s? South Carolina. 1850s? Early 20th century. It's hard to be gay in Ohio.

That's 100% a musical number. Oh yeah. And look out for my Wright Brothers musical, uh, Take to the Sky, uh, Coming Nowhere.

Two rights, don't make a wrong.

Two right, don't- write it down! Ernie! Ernie! Oh my god, oh my god.

Rhyme Wright with flight, uh, uh, rhyme Kitty Hawk with, did they talk?

Okay, uh, here we go.

Okay, I think that's all the time that we have for riddles, but we still have things that linger on from season two. People can still send us things in the mail. We open a lot of those on our monthly live streams for the review crew tier for our Patreon. So if you ever send us something and you want to see it opened live, you can watch our reactions to that. But you know what? You can also always send us a voicemail or a voicemail theme. Casey, can you hit us with a voicemail theme?

And so I pick up the phone and call Adal Rifai, and Erin Keif, and that JBC guy, and I scream from the top of my lungs like Howard Dean. And I say, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I said, hey, Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm on my way to a third round interview for my dream paralegal position. Luckily, y'all have released every single

Every single time I've had an interview for this job, so I really think I'm going to get it. What is y'all's worst interview blunder? Thank you.

Wish me good luck. Well, with the way that these voicemails get sourced, I hope that you already have that job and that you're- Or a better one. Or a better one. Or a better one. Well on the way to your dream paralegal career. Bad interviews. Interview faux pas.

I mean, the one that comes to mind is one I've talked about multiple times, where I told Lorne Michaels we were both Scorpios. And he said, OK. And then I said, I mean, it doesn't matter, but we are. We are.

We are both Scorpios.

OK. I have had bad improv auditions before, but I have never had a bad interview for like a position. Every time I've ever interviewed for a position, I've been offered the job.

Here's the, I don't know if I've ever had like a real interview. So what I would say is something I think would be fun is when they, I think a classic question is, where do you see yourself in 10 years? If you get asked that, I think it would be very fun and playful and show some amount of just like, you know, silliness and personality. If you say, where do I see myself in 10 years? You get up, you turn off the lights, and you go, I need complete silence. And then you get a big thing of water, put your fingers in it, close your eyes, make some humming sounds, and sort of like, I don't know, tell the future?

Yeah.

Fire. There's fire everywhere. No cars.

Come with me if you want to live. So, one of the first times I ever interviewed for something, I was 17, I worked at O'Charlie's, and I had gone in to see if they had, I don't think you do this anymore, but I stopped in to ask if they had applications or if they were hiring. I had a list of 13 places, I was going to drive to all these places and ask if they were hiring and if I could apply. And O'Charlie's was the first one, it was the closest one to my house. I stopped in, I was wearing a nice shirt and a tie. I stopped in, I was like, hey, do you have an application? So, let's get started. I guess I go home and play video games now. I don't do... I don't do this anymore.

That's so funny.

And how long did you work at Uncharted? Uh, probably like a year. About a year. Yeah, before I found a better job or a different job. But it was just very funny. They obviously needed someone and they were like, yeah, this guy's wearing a tie. So how much better can we get at Uncharted?

He said he can work a few days. Why not?

He can work and he owns one tie. So this is probably the best we're going to do.

I just unlocked a memory of a horrible nanny interview I had in Chicago. It was in between family, because all my families would famously move to Michigan at some point. It was through a friend, too, and recommended me to these people. When you interview for a nanny job, oftentimes they'll We're God, I guess I just can't drink wine anymore. Like, I'm getting older. Hangovers are killing me. And I was getting increasingly sicker and sicker throughout the day. And by the time I got to this interview, you guys, I probably looked insane. I was sweating through my shirt and was beet red and was like, ugh, and kept kind of like

I'm

So it was like cutting off. I was losing blood. I almost lost one of my ovaries. And it was like a pain like I've never known before. I was in the hospital for two days. But I was like, thinking that I was just showing up a little hungover to an interview and then being a fucking lunatic nightmare to this poor family being like, what the hell? I did not get that job.

Well the Wright Brothers, they taught us to fly. Wilbur and Orville, take to the sky. Don't take the Hamilton approach. Don't take the Hamilton approach.

It's too late. Wilbur and Orville were very bright. They worked all day till they took flight. Wilbur's ripe brothers couldn't get it so wrong. That's why I put their story in a song. These brothers are gay.

The demographic that I cover is male-identifying and non-binary people between the ages of 18 and 54 who have one, if not all, of the following predilections and or perversions. Mouth stuff, butt stuff, back of the envelope stuff, tub thumping, dry humping, wet clumping, clisthamalia, people who earnestly say that's so funny instead of laughing, family guide porn, family porn for guys, voyeurism, exhibitionism, patriotism, necromancy, feeling fancy, feeling up mannequins, europhilia, eurovisionphilia, disney adultism, hot wifing, cool treating, dairy queening, spider worship, saying wow like Owen Wilson, rheumatoid arthritis, peridium swiping, doomsday prepping, tailgating, roblox, roadhead, antique roadshow head, treasure hunting, renting Tom Holland's Uncharted for one dollar, watching the whole thing and wishing we had that dollar back, Pickleback Shots enjoying blowjobs being a sexual little rascal, and Reverse Farters. Horse Whisperers, Swine Tasters, aka Hogmaliers, Three Toed Sluts, Armadildos, Beaver Pelters, Platypussy Eaters, Sex Tuplets, Sexy Triplets, Suck Puppets, Size Queens, Dong Duchesses, Cock Countesses, Baronesses of Balls, Lotion Smoothers, that one's actually default to everyone, you have to turn it off in settings, Lebanese Sisters, Geppettophiles, Wall E-Girls, Mary Poppins Boners, Captain Hookers, Comics Unleashed, Fartographers, people who make maps out of farts, Chasers, Catchers, First Base Coaches, Organ Grinders, Lollipoppers, Subway Sandwichers, people who mash up against each other on trains, Hornswogglers, Horny Swallowers, Grek and Furries, Furby Fisters, Hunting Wives, Gathering Milfs, K-Cup Demon Hunters, Stay-at-Home Uncles, Analgy Sycophants, Grad Students, that one's real, People Living up the Plot to the Graduate, Russell Brand Ambassadors, Russell Stover Stuffers, and Femdom Torettoes. Without me, we lose all of those perverts. Hey there Qs and As, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another ch-ch-ch-ch-chatterbox. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.

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Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Jeff Tremaine. Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show coming to f***. Coming to f***. That's what it is. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville. And I'm Jeff Tremaine. Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show now on HeadGum. I've learned a jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute too long. Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're going to take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best bits, bad behavior, and even worse decisions. All of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions, Jeff. I've noticed that every so often. With guests like Spike Jones. I think let's commit to Jackass the podcast. What was it going to be called? The Jackass Podcast. The Jackass Podcast. Without you, the IQ drops significantly.

It's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass that I would be in clown makeup right this fucking minute.

That shot of your butt just cruising up.

I'm like, I got that on TV. God bless us. Dave Englund, Wee Man, and some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning.

Subscribe to Jackass the Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever the hell you get podcasts. Our new episodes drop on June 18th. Woo! Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday. Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and TikTok at Jackass the Podcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes?