This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dearest gentle listener, welcome back to the ton for the 400th time. A place where wealth is inherited, feelings are repressed, and silence is often mistaken for yearning. I am your narrator, the anonymous Lady Puzzledown. This is a world governed not by laws, but by glances. Not by justice, but by reputation. Not by love, but by the simmering horniness that can occasionally turn into marriages. Each year, society gathers for The Season, a months-long ritual in which young eligible singles are presented like decorative desserts, while their elders watch closely, judging posture, prospects, and how well you're pulling off an unbuttoned ruffled shirt. At the center of this ritual sits The Queen, watchful, amused, and devastatingly honest in a world built entirely on polite lies. It is she who names the season's diamond, the debutante judge to most dazzling, most admired, and most likely to get the most airtime. This year's diamond is Miss Arabella Riddleslark, beloved for her wit, love of games, and classically beautiful face. Suitors have arrived, as they always do, all noble, all wealthy, and all eager to win her hand. Ordinarily, these gentlemen would compete through waltzes, duels, and boring conversations about the weather on the promenade. But this season, dear listener, the Queen has grown bored. The courtship shall be decided not by dancing, by dowries, but by parlor games, riddles, conundrums, and mischief. Two gentlemen will compete for Miss Riddle Lock's hand. One shall reveal himself a hero, the other something else entirely. Let the season begin!
Everyone please rise for your queen.
My ton, it is ball season, which means it is once again time for ambition to masquerade as romance. Tonight, we'll do things differently. Two gentlemen will compete for the favor of our diamond. I will be watching, I will be judging, and I will be merciless. Miss Riddle-Lark, please observe closely. And gentlemen, do try not to embarrass yourselves.
You're the one who said it's ball season.
Oh my gosh, did I? Oh no! Oh, um, no problem. I can recover from that. People might forget. Mr. Bimblesbum, please introduce our two suitors.
Now presenting Lord Percival Thistlewick.
Tall, earnest, clever, arrogant with the looks to back it up, and the heartthrob of the ton. Not my type, but I totally get it. I mean, look at him. Wowie zowie. Now that I'm getting a better look, he's not not my type. He's from a rich family too. Colin Firth's looking motherfucker. Wait. Yup. Yes, he is my type. He's gorgeous. Oh man, please give me a short speech. Lord Percival Thistlewick.
Lord Percival Thistlewick.
You're too kind. Thank you for the introduction and my queen, thank you for having me in the court.
14 women faint and a bird flies into the window trying to get closer.
I apologize for being soaking wet. I stepped off the carriage. I saw a young child who was in the mud stuck and I unstuck them and gave them a fortune so they could start their own, their own sort of lineage in the countryside.
But that does not explain why you are soaking wet to the bone can see through your white ruffled shirt.
Oh, the rain. That would be my fault. Your queenship. I was going to unstick the boy with a jug of water.
No, it's actually too hard to look at him and then at you.
The juxtaposition is... Some say the contrast actually helps, m'lord.
It hurts. It hurts. The rain. You were saying something about the raid. Yes. Me? No. I wasn't. Can someone kill him? Yes, thank you. Someone's got to be here in one second. Just hold tight. Someone's gonna come in.
My queen, if I may, please.
Just right here, just right here.
Would it not be more merciful instead of killing him to just chop off his arms and legs? That way he's punished but has a second chance at life.
Lord Percival Thistlewick, you are the light of the town. Yes, of course. Your mercy knows no bounds.
So I'm not killing him, I'm chopping off his arms and his legs?
Oh, it's okay with me. I have to carry less barrels.
How did people this poor get in here? I'm going to have to check on security. Thank you so much for being here, Lord Percy.
Off you go. Chop off your arms and your legs.
Make sure to cauterize the wounds.
Oh, Percival Thistlewick. Lord Thistlewick, thank you so much for joining us. You can sit right here as we await your competition, although who could compete with you?
Now introducing your competition. The dark horse of the season who rode up on a dark horse. Tricky, conniving, oily, grandiose, cunning. Not my type at all. Kind of a bad boy that you want to see if he'll change for you and sort of your love will soften him. Would probably look really roguish in the rain. Sort of reminds me of Clive Owen. Actually, now that I'm getting a better look at him, I can see him up close. I totally get it and I'm totally into it. Oh, I'm now smelling him and he smells like pine and like a musk. Wow. We are rich and hot guys here. Viscount Barnaby Shiftythorpe. Viscount, please give a short speech.
Hello, Your Majesty. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. I'm sorry for my lateness. I was supposed to arrive yesterday evening, but I was delayed hunting in the countryside. You see, I was hunting the most dangerous game.
I don't think it's the most dangerous game. I don't know what could go wrong with it.
Dangerous game? Bears? Bears?
No, not bears. Is it by bears? No, not bears. Something much more dangerous. Oh, well, it's not dangerous.
Years ago, I found a deer in the forest. And instead of killing the deer, I taught the deer how to duel with a blade.
Dueling deer? No, not to duel with a blade.
It just so happens that this was one of the most virile deer in the entire forest. So it did what virile deer do best and spawned an entire lineage of deer, all of them born of the sword. Now, every year on my birthday under 30, hold for applause, hold for applause. Kill that man. Oh. I go out into the forest with nothing but my bare buttocks and exposed blade
And do... Kill those women. And do battle... And do battle with every deer that dare stand before me. Your Majesty, I present to you enough deer to feast for the entire celebration.
Oh, ah, is that why you're covered in blood?
and why I smell like pine. I motion to my left and like a baggage train of deer impaled by various swords is like dragged into the hall.
Wow. You brought a gift. I am most impressed. Bon Appetit to whomever wishes to partake.
And speaking of bone appetite, I hope that my bone appetite will be quenched later this very evening.
The queen slides off her chair.
I go and kiss the queen's hand.
All right, gentlemen, please introduce yourselves to each other and do a gentleman shake, a gentleman agreement. This will be all above board.
Viscount Barnaby, your reputation precedes you. You might know my uncle, Charles Danube.
Oh, Charles Danube. Yes, I do believe I've made your uncle's acquaintance, but it's... What a pleasure it is to make your acquaintance, Lord... He was hunting on your grounds, disguised as a deer, when he met his ill-time death Well, everyone must go at a certain time, Lord Whistledick. It's Thistlewick. Oh, not the way I heard it, it's not.
Oh, you were hunting in the countryside? I've heard you were cunting in the huntryside.
Silence! No one's going to do better than that!
The game shall work as follows. Each round, you can earn up to two points. You will earn those two points if you nail the answer, you use witty reasoning, and show good showmanship. You get the answer quickly, two points. You get one point if you get it with a hint or several hints. You get zero points if you simply fail to get it right. However, I can award plus one favor for manners or minus one for scandal if you're out of line or say anything disgusting. Was that clear?
Well, it's clear to me. And the only thing that is going to be dis-gusting is the wind from Lord Thistlewick's mouth. It'll be gusting through here.
My Queen, I don't know if you heard earlier, but in sort of a soft spoken voice directly to Barnaby, I said, Hunting in the countryside? More like cunting in the huntryside.
And I would like for you to give yourself a point for that. Thank you for reminding me.
Very good, my queen, if you deem it so.
Yeah, you will start with one point. Cunting in the huntryside is the new merch. Look for it on the Tee Public Shop.
Very good, my queen. Very good. Very good. We'll sell zero of them, my queen. Very good.
In the Regency era, there were riddles of refinement, each word broken into parts, each part offering a clue until it revealed the whole. Special thank you to my friend Michael, who submitted a lot of these to me in 2024 and was the inspiration behind this episode.
My queen, when you said reveal the whole, just know I gave a wink.
Ah, a wink, W-H-I-N-K. Very good, my lord.
I hope the riddles aren't the only thing revealing the hole this week.
And I kissed the queen. How dare you, sir? Takes off glove, smacks you in the face. I will not have such language in front of the queen and sweet Arabelle.
Normally, for a glove smack like that, I'd have to pay two pittance down at the local dock. But, Lord Thistlewake, from you I'll take it for free. Queen, he's getting off on it. Please.
Queen. We all are. It would be a glass house situation if I were to take a point away. My first wetens the wild to create new life. My second adorns a young girl's hair until she becomes a wife. My whole can lead to pots of gold ending years of strife.
Yes, it's a rainbow. I was going to say leprechaun.
Two points to you, my lord.
I would like to donate my points to charity, my queen.
Charity, do you want those points? No, I'm good. I don't need them. I'm all set. I'm eating the deer like it's corn on the cob.
Sorry, my queen, I have only thus seen Charity, never heard her spoke. I feel like I'm going to take a big step away from Charity.
A beautiful face and a voice that doesn't match. A beautiful face. And they do like a four minute musical break that everyone knows all the lyrics to and the full dance.
It's like if Kate Upton spoke like Vinnie Jones.
Silence. Two points to you, my lord.
My first, I would venture for. My second, I would venture in. My whole is more talked of than practiced.
More talked of than practiced. Venture in?
Yes, what's something in the 1800s that you would use to get around? Perhaps on a longer journey.
A mode of transportation.
Do we have- You can't take a train to the United States.
Do we have those? Ah, no. Yes. A boat or a ship. Oh, a boat.
A ship, yes. So now you know the second part of the word, a ship.
Mmm, close. What kind of a relationship?
Ship. Courtship! A courtship!
Who's someone you would venture for? Someone you would do something nice for? My queen! Someone you'd like to hang out with? Ah, thank you, my love.
I feel like I could really grab an ale with you, my queen. Ah, yes. Thank you. You've got a Joe the Plumber vibe.
I'm sort of a hockey mom. Do you remember Sarah Palin?
Yes, I do remember, yes. Someone you would want to hang out with, you said? Can you repeat the riddle one more time? Whistle Ship.
Nope. Thistle Whip is your name. Are you on well?
Are you saying that your name is Lord Whistle Ship? My Queen, would you repeat the riddle please? I don't remember.
My Queen, is this a hint or is this sort of a Jeopardy style... Is this a theme song?
Can't it be both? Is this a theme song to something?
A friendship! Well, I think the Viscount said it first, so you can give yourself one point, Viscount.
Yes, because I needed a lot of help.
You did, you did indeed. My first is somewhat soft and yellow, especially in the spring. My next... Oh, you think? He's just going to suggest bloodletting again. My next are busy melding fellows forever in service.
Butter, something with butter.
You said soft and yellow. Like a marigold or a flower.
Soft and yellow. Especially in the spring is not entirely helpful, I don't think.
Gold is soft and yellow. Malleable and yellow. I wouldn't say soft.
I think we're more looking for edible and yellow.
Butter. Edible? No. Oh, a horse. A horse. A horse that fucks your mom.
A horse that fucks like your dad.
No, not this time. What is edible and yellow?
Honeydew? Pineapple? Cantaloupe?
I would say perhaps the most, or second most... Lemon? Yes, a lemon.
My queen, but pineapples are... Rentable for 5,000 gold per day.
My queen, would this be a- How do you know what a pineapple is? Even with your wealth, you shouldn't know.
Would this be a lemon party, my queen?
No. Would you like it to be? Minus one point for being foul.
If we don't know what pineapples are, we don't know what lemon parties are.
When you rush to help someone, You are giving them... Aid.
Yes. One point for you, Lord Percival Thistlewick.
When life hands you lemons, or you inherit them, might I suggest adding sugar?
Several women start taking off their clothes. Ladies, ladies, please relax.
It'll be a while. We have quite a while.
My first is nothing but... This one kind of stinks, but we're doing it anyway. My first is nothing but a name. My second's still more small. My whole of so much smaller frame, it has no name at all.
This one's very confusing.
The whole has kind of gives you the answer in it. My first is nothing but a name. My second still more small. My whole of so much smaller fame. It has no name at all.
This is like a surname or like a nickname. Oh, surname.
No name at all. A name is in it. Name. Name is the first half of the word. Name tag. The second's still more small.
I like name tag. Name tag is funny. Walking around court wearing a name tag.
Not as much as it could be. It has.
Speaking of name tags, I do want to point out to the court that there is someone here with a name tag that says, Fronk.
What's... Oui, la vie, monsieur. I am here for ball season urban to meet a wife.
Wes, we killed the other guy, but we're not killing this guy.
From the frog, a frog and four black and white coattails, I escaped France so I would not be eaten by my legs.
Et bonjour, bonjour! Champagne, bonjour! Frog!
One point. My first is a contraction for company. My second denotes a recluse. My third forms part of The ear. My hole is but a quibble.
Ah, quibble, quick bibble.
That's what we call short Bible stories that you can watch on your... Oh, the timing of those short Bible stories was so bad though, because remember it was during that plague?
That plague that happened for a year. And I almost said that you could watch on your, and I was trying to pull a one for one. I almost said goblin phone. That's not what we're doing here.
Check out Gumshoes and Dragons, wherever you find podcasts. Can you believe that Tubi and Quibi both existed on the same timeline, but were different companies?
I just saw that Shakespeare play.
A point for each of you. A bonus point, please.
Well, that's the same as having no point at all.
A point for each is a point for none, my queen. And you mentioned the hole is but a quibble. And my queen, I would pay a king's ransom to see your hole, your butthole quibble.
Oh, that wasn't even subtle, my lord.
I'll give him a point for that. I love that, my queen.
Okay, new porn search term unlocked. My first is a contraction for company. My second denotes a recluse. My third forms part of the ear. That's probably the most helpful part of the hint. My whole is but a quibble.
Um, okay. C-O-R-P, corp? Uh, com, hermit? Inc? I-N-C?
Co is right first, and what's part of the ear?
Oh, my queen. It's three parts of the word, yes.
Oh, is it Colob? No. The idiot farmer who raises the horses?
Why were you calling an idiot farmer? Oh, Colob, I didn't see you there. Colob. I feel like everyone's saying Colob, but it's Caleb. Your name tag says Colob. Oh, folk. It do indeed.
Name different parts of the ear. Remember this has three, this word has three sounds, three syllables.
Anvil, hammer, stirrup, inner, outer, drum. Yes. Conundrum. Yes.
A nun is a recluse. Is there a nun in the court?
No? No nuns? Yes, just a woman singing. Carry on.
What is the condition of life from which, if you take all trouble, there will yet remain some?
Yes! Two points, my lord.
Interesting, yes. Troublesome.
Oh, and please give yourself one point for getting conundrum with a hint.
Every time I, to use a polite term for court, hook up with someone, it's technically having a troublesome.
You should not be hooking up with anyone outside of marriage. You are a man of society. You are saving yourself for your wife as she is for you, I am sure.
Of course, of course, my queen. I'm talking about blowjobs and rim stuff.
Oh, yes, a gentleman's play. Yes, quibbles, small bits. In all this old world's days and years, my first, how bad it is, my last, how sad it is, yet my whole the heart endears.
Oh, let's see. The first is how bad it is and the last is how sad it is?
This one's a little confusing, but it's from the 1800s, so what are you going to do?
That's the time we live in now. My queen, you can just say our time. Our town. It's from today.
Our town is a play that doesn't exist yet, but looking forward to it.
But there is a young boy named Thornton Wilder, I believe?
Save us from the trouble. I don't want to watch two people fall in love on a ladder or whatever the fuck happens in our town.
Okay, like a malady. Would it be like a malady or bad?
No, something. What is when you do something bad?
A punishment off with your head.
Um, you would be disciplined if you did something bad.
Forgive me, Father, for I have- Oh, to sin. Sin.
Sinbad. Oh, is it the comedian Sinbad, the jester? No. Sinbad, come in here and do your full voice.
I've often found that- I've often found that I was much less funny when I was riding my carriage. But back when I used to take the communal horse, I found I was much funnier.
Did you ever notice how nobles ride horses like this? Whereas peasants tend to ride horses like this.
That is true. Truth in comedy. Yes. Writing that down.
Off with his head. Sin. The second half is what's the second clue?
How sad it is. This second half is not going to be helpful. My whole the heart endears. So like.
Endears just like my uncle.
What's something that is, like, earnest?
Please give yourself one point, Mr. Viacount.
My first rules the day and banishes night.
My second measures worth, favor, or praise. My whole warms the heart and reveals what was hidden.
You're so close, but the second half is a different word for... Moonlight.
Sunshine. Yes, sunshine. Sunshine!
Please give you... I'll give you two points for that.
My queen is speaking in tongue.
She's a witch. She's a witch. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
How about one... Should I dose her with this big jug of water? Is she a witch?
No, thank you. Still the queen. Still that man.
I don't have arms and legs, so it would have been hard.
All right, well, I have arms and legs. Are we just saying stuff? I have one arm and one leg. All right, but this is not a show and tell. That wasn't an invitation. But I brought them. Everyone has their little trinkets that they love, that they're holding.
My queen, for the last, for sunshine, how many points did I receive?
And my queen, since we are in the presence of a Viscount, could we Viscount up our points?
Uh, yes, we're in the middle of a round, but if you want to... Oh, my queen, I apologize.
In the middle of a round... Row, row, row your boat. Row, row, row your boat.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merri
Three points. I have three points.
Now that we're all caught up, I'm going to do two more and then we're going to take a quick break for little sandwiches with cream cheese and cucumber and very, very mild tea. Here we go.
I hope that's not the only cheese getting creamed this night, my queen.
They're all going to be gross.
My first is a place of judgment, gossip, and law. My second sets sail with hope and risk. My whole begins with glances and ends with vows. Courtship. Yes.
Oh, a bow to each other. We solved it. What a team. In fact, now that I see your eyes, you are beautiful. Your eyes are like chip sapphires. Sprays with water, sprays with water.
You cannot start fucking each other.
But my queen, we were going to Ivory Tower.
Fair enough. If they have that here... When we go on a break, you can do a quickie in the name of heated rivalry.
Very good, my queen. To honor it... I'm more of a challenger's man myself.
One is kind of queerbaiting and one is... Well, the Eiffel Tower, my queen, involves a third person. The heated rivalry thing that... It does?
Well, let's go on break faster than I previously wanted to. She's a witch! She's a witch! First keeps you alive, though you rarely thank it. My second snaps what once was whole. My whole teaches poets their trade.
Air Bud. Yes. Breath. Breath.
Breath Bud. There's nothing in the rules that says Breath Bud can't play basketball.
There's nothing in the rules that says a queen can't be a part of the Eiffel Tower. Not in the spots that you think.
Middle? Any spot's good. Can you read the second part again, my queen?
My first keeps you alive though you rarely think it. My second snaps what once was whole. My whole teaches poets their trade. What keeps you alive inside of your body?
Break. Yes. Unfortunately, the Lord didn't do that for you, Mr. Viscount Sir.
And my Queen, may I say that heartbreak somehow feels good in a place like this.
All right, we're going to take a quick 10. The three of us will Eiffel Tower and we will be back momentarily.
Franck, can you help direct us for this Eiffel Tower?
Bonjour, bonjour, get consent first, cause it's essential, number two, put your arms up, cause it's essential, number three...
Finally, I've crossed through fields and I've climbed through mountains and here I am at the great temple to ask the master. Excuse me? Excuse me? Yes? How do I? What do I? How do I? What am I going to buy a car? How do I buy a car?
Ah, you've come to the right place for we are the car gurus.
Yeah, and I kind of came all this way, but then I heard that actually it's a website and I could just go to the website?
Yeah, GPC, with CarGurus Discover, you can skip the filters and describe what you're looking for in your own words. Simply type what you want and CarGurus Discover instantly surfaces real listings that match your exact needs. It's so easy, you don't have to go on this long journey while you're buying a new car.
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No, Mama, not a waste, Mama. Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S.com. CarGurus.com, Mama.
And Casey, I know I never do this, but I'm going to need a clip of Adal saying, no, Mama, CarGurus, Mama.
Yeah, I would like one too for personal use.
Mama's for all. Hey Erin, hey JPC, can you guys help me figure something out? Oh, sure.
I have this charge, I'll pull up my bank account here, I have this charge that says JPC tax $5,000, it's like a monthly deduction?
No, no, I, Adal, go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you.
We signed up for the free trial like three months ago, and then we forgot about it. And I noticed it. I got like a ping from Rocket Money in my email, and they let me know that I had been paying for... Lost another one to Rocket Money!
Oh man, yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Unless you're me with the GPC tax, and then your savings are dwindling. With Rocket Money, you can do automatic transaction categorization across your accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and add context. Also, if you have a big event coming up, like a wedding or some monumental expense, it helps you plan and save for something like that.
The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years, way before they were ever a sponsor, and I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is.
Yeah, I love Rocket Money, but Erin, I do hate that voice. Was that JPC? It sounded like a Rumpelstiltskin type voice. Did you hear that?
Oh, no. So that's just like, that's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off.
That's kind of scary. We'll deal with that later. Yeah.
Well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle.
Lost another one to Rocket Money!
Yeah, that's not even coming from your phone.
Yeah, is that coming from inside of our heads maybe? Yeah, like heaven maybe?
Yoiks boiks. Oh, JPC, it's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window because I am busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And it is hard to figure out, like, when to cook and when to go grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm exhausted.
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Oh yes. I don't often, I love the word scrumptious. I don't get to use it often. These options are scrumptious and healthy. I've been enjoying the Five Spice Glazed Chicken Thighs, the Chili Shrimp Rice Bowl, and one of my favorites, the Picante Carnitas Pork Rice Bowl.
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Erin, you're standing in front of a mirror.
Okay. Well, let me just do my final measurements here. Everything seems even. Check the doors. Adal, Erin, I have, using my skills as a woodworker, have crafted a well-built wardrobe.
A magical one where you can go into a magical world?
No, I tried it. It's just wood. But it's well-built.
GPC, when we said every adult should have sort of a well-built wardrobe, we didn't mean like the actual frame, like an actual wooden wardrobe. We went like in a quince way, like, you know, like having a lot of adult, well-made... The quality clothing that lasts. Quality pieces that work together, they hold up over time. You know, that's what quince does best. We told you that.
Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, slider jackets that keep you warm in the changing season. I have a raincoat from them that I love.
GBC, I held you down sort of Clockwork Orange style and held open your eyes while I showed you that Quince's premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples feel easy to wear and they're easy to rely on, even as the weather shifts in Chicago.
This is making sense now, because I was like, you were talking about how Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman so you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. That's what you said, and that's what you were doing with my eyes, and can I be honest with you? I did not build that well of a wardrobe.
I mean, this thing is pretty loose. No, it's pretty loose. You can knock it over with a feather.
Ooh, a nail just went right through my thumb. That's the best case scenario.
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My name is Mr. Tumnus. Please come with me. I'm going.
He came with the thing. I found him on Fiverr.
That was quite exquisite.
I don't know what I was fingering, you or the sandwiches. Licks his fingers, wearing gloves.
Oh God. My first is what a clock eternally shows. My second is less than many. My whole is praised far more than it deserves.
No. Curfew. What is something that is always on a clock? Hands. A face.
An arm. A hand. Hands. All of your body against the Eiffel Tower. My second is less than many. A few. A hand few. Bless you. Handsome. Handsome. Gesundheit. Yes.
You guys, as anyone ever told you, you guys are a hand few. My God.
One woman who is having a stroke. Yes.
Ah, yes, yes, yes. If I count, you can award yourself one point for that.
She's being a witch a lot. My queen.
I do have news from the east. A war has started.
Excuse me. Put it on my desk for Monday.
We are in the middle of something. We're trying to get one woman, one husband. And that's sort of seemingly my focus.
It's after noon on Friday. This could wait till Monday.
This could wait till Monday, right? It's 4 p.m. on a Friday. If they're gonna wage war, they're not expecting us to respond till Monday. Do you know what I mean?
Of course, m'lady. I mean, technically, m'lady, that's when they would attack, knowing that they've got a full 48 hours to do- Right, but they're not gonna do- They're not gonna give up their weekend.
Oh, my queen! A flaming arrow just entered my thigh! All right, then just take it. Take as many as it takes. All right? It's a Friday.
My queen- It's ball season. This is my favorite time of the year.
My queen, I've got a flaming arrow near my thigh as well and I simply must finish this game so that I can expose the prick of the arrow, if you know what I'm saying, my queen.
Oh, you've been hit, let me suck out the poison.
Oh yes, wait, take another ten. Those noises were unrelated. Alright, last one of this round. Let's keep it moving, shall we?
My first follows night, whether invited or not. My second wanders without feet. My whole steals time while pretending to give hope.
Day-walker. Blade. Blade! Has my queen seen Blade? The Black Hunter of Vampires. My queen! Wesley Snipes is a day walker. He is part human and part vampire. He can walk during the day when most vampires can't.
That is your last warning, my lord.
My queen, have you seen Blade Trinity? I think you'd really like one particular frame from that movie, my queen.
My queen is holding up a poster board.
Day what? My hole steals time while pretending to give hope.
Daylight. Day thief. Day break. Day song. Day man. The musical clues are so confusing. Daydreamer. Daydream.
Daydream. Thank you, my lord. They are not confusing if you know the songs.
When I play heads up at any sort of family gathering or party, I'm good at the hummer. Hum once. I can do the humming. I'm good at humming to get people to guess a song.
My queen, I never doubted for a minute that you would be the best in the kingdom at doing a hummer.
Hum break. Thank you. One point for you. Hum break.
Hold on. What's the rules? Because that was also pretty nasty. I feel like I keep getting... I don't know.
At least it was more subtle than the others. You're right. Minus one for that point I just gave you. If you're going to fight the points, then you won't get the points.
Now I don't remember how many points I have.
I would like each of you to pick a song, hum it for me, and whoever does a better job will be rewarded two points. Who would like to go first?
I insist that the Viscount goes first.
Are we picking, we're picking any song or a song that we think you will know?
Yes, and then you will hum it, Viscount, and then I will guess what it is. It is in the spirit of the show because I don't think either of you have watched a lick of it, but they put today's hits and they hand it to an orchestra and then the orchestra will play like, thank you next or something. And you're like, is that Thank U, Next during this ball scene? They played Pitbull season three in a scene where a woman's getting fingered in a carriage. Excuse me? They play an orchestral version of... A woman was fingered in a carriage? Penelope Featherington was fingered in a carriage by Colin Bridgerton. Is this like Clue? The least, yes, the least attractive of the Bridgerton brothers to the song.
Fingers don't have faces, my queen.
Penelope Featherington in a carriage with her fingers. Fingers don't have faces is the funniest thing you've said all episode. One point for you. Hum a song and I will guess what it is.
Again, I've been nasty all episode so I'm not that good a point. Then take the point away.
Don't give yourself the point. I'm trying to give you a point for saying something funny. You know what? A point to you, my lord, for showing decorum and decency. Two points to Lord Whistleship.
It's, uh, my lady, I'm ready. I'm ready to do my hummer to you as well.
All right, Viscount, you're up.
We are not on our 400th episode bringing up Five for Fighting again.
15 minutes still time for you. All right, not great. You weren't going the right tempo. Lord, this is it. You are up.
Wait, I thought the whole point was to do it in the style of like the strings and all of that.
Oh, I did say that. You're right. I'll reward points at the end and you'll see if you get them.
My queen, I just have to say I did watch... How do I say this? Not my wife watched some of Bridgerton, so I do know a little bit about It's not just the Pitbull song. They do it Bridgerton style.
And fingers don't have faces. Thistlewick, whenever you're ready. Okay.
I'm up here. Why do I feel like I'm at some sort of sporting event?
Why do I feel like someone's about to spill a beer on me? What is the name of that song?
It's from another nation, my queen.
That's Seven Nation Army. This is Zombie Nation.
They're here! They're getting closer! The Seven Nation Army!
There's several nations, my queen. In fact, I believe one of them is at war with us.
Again, on Monday. If the war is that important, it will be there on Monday.
I thought you were going to go... Something tells me my queen would know that one. Um, every... Cheetah, cheetah.
You know what? I'm going to give one point to you, my lord, because you did pick a song that didn't have lyrics, so that does make it easier. And then, if I count, I will give you two points for bringing up a song that we've brought up 400 times in as many episodes.
I don't know whatever you mean, my queen.
I don't either. Let's do a quick score check. Everybody give me an update on where you are at.
My Queen, unless I've miscounted, which could be a reasonable concern because obviously I failed school because all my teachers slept with me. Of course. I have nine points, My Queen.
Ah, ooh, ah, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
Um, my queen, unless I've viscounted, uh, just a little joke on the way viscount is spelled, I believe I have... Um, hold on.
Okay, I believe now I have six points. But I'll say, I have been losing and gaining a lot of points and doing it to myself. So if you're listening and you know how many points I have, and that's a little bit off. I Hey, guys, I really apologize. I was legitimately trying this time.
It sounds like Lord Thistlewick is in the lead. Congratulations, sir.
My Queen, it's only at your behest and due to your grace that I have any points at all.
Mmm, a memoir. Very good. Very good. Suck it up to me. Love it.
A strategy that I learned from Sir Bradley of Pitt from the F1 region is that sometimes it's better to draft behind your opponents so that you may overtake them.
Ah, draft behind. I'd like to F1.
How do I feel about that joke? Calculating, calculating, calculating.
You know what, I'm not going to take points away, but I'm also not going to award them.
I was honestly having trouble and I like it. I'm trying to unpack it.
Now we're going to do two of these because I think these next type are quite exhausting. Your next round is letter deduction. You'll be trying to put together a complete word. Each line is a different letter you are trying to deduce.
The way that this game, I think, is meant to be played is, as it goes, if you can guess the final word, we will stop it there, and you will get the points. Got it. Two points if it's sort of in the middle of the word. One point if you get it at the end.
Very good. Could we have an example, my queen? Yes. Ah, an example would do me right.
My first is in flower, but not in rye. My second is in wet, but not in dry. My third is in below, but not in cry. My fourth is in rod, but never in whip. My fifth is in running, but never in skip. My sixth is in y'all, but never in ship. My seventh is in error, but not in miss.
My queen was right. This is exhausting.
It is. I know we're only going to do two.
I don't know how to keep track.
My first is in flower, but not in rye. Let's go one line at a time. F. F. Yes. My second is in wet, but not in dry.
E. Yes. It's got to be E because it wouldn't be W. Yes.
My third is in below, but not in cry. My Queen, did you read the part about the cold kiss?
No, I didn't get to the end, but I skipped to the end.
And are they all going to be long words like February? Oh boy, okay.
I sourced real ones, so this is what you're going to get.
Yes, okay, yes. My first is in dinosaur, but not in motorcycle. Well, that could be a lot of letters, my queen.
Are you pushing back against riddles written 200 years ago? Are you complaining? They didn't have TV or internet. They had to have these be so exhausting that it'd take longer in your day.
To stand up for Lord Thistlewick, sometimes if you push back a little, it can be rather pleasant.
I'll sit down for Lord Thistlewick. And I'll stand up for him.
Ugh, these are getting exhausting.
My first is in bloom, but not in moth. Okay, I gotta assume it's B. My second is in apple, but not in rose.
I'm thinking A, because so far they've all just been the first letter of the thing.
I don't know if that's... My third is in lily, but not in crowd.
My queen, is it balloon? Please let it be balloon. Great guess. Is it ballroom?
It is ballroom! Two points to them, I count! Isn't it better when you guess these early and I don't have to read all of them? My home where romance is performed.
My queen, can we go perform? Wait, wait, wait, wait, oh wait, wait, wait.
My queen. Did you just say my whole romance is performed?
I know and there was a mad dash to this but technically Lord Thistlewick got there first and you cut him off to make the exact same joke. So one point to you. Me? Whistleship, yes.
Viscount, what did you like about the sentence I just said? Or did you have umbrage with it? Were you upset by it?
No, I just wanted you to know that I heard it and I didn't say anything about it.
You did, though. You did say something about it.
No, no, I just said, did you just say?
But that is saying something about it. If you acknowledge it at all, you're saying something about it, even if just to say that I said it.
I guess in a way, then, saying nothing is the same as saying something.
No, it's not. They're completely different. One, you keep your mouth shut and you hold your tongue. The second, you're saying something out loud, calling attention to it, and giving more time to it than it deserves.
I'd be willing to leave my mouth shut and hold your tongue, my queen.
That sounds awful. Hold my tongue with what? Your mouth shut?
Uh-huh. My mouth shut. What do you think is holding your tongue, my queen?
All right. Actually, we're going to do one more of these. How about that?
Yes, of course, my queen.
My first is in candle, but not in silk. Okay, probably C. My second is in harp, but not in tiara. H. Yes, my third is in waltz, but not in rose.
A? Is it a charm? Is it a charizard?
My fourth is an opera, but not in waltz.
No. P? My fifth is in feather. Yes, P. Chaperone. Chaperone. Chaperone. Chaperone.
By the way, that would be perfect for an episode of Bridgerton.
I think, well, there was one in the most recent season at the four episode mark. Benedict Bridgerton falls in love with a maid and she's running up the stairs and he's running down the stairs. They meet in the middle. He fingers her, which always happens at the halfway mark of the season. And I think that they did Was it hot to go? Let me google this. What song plays while Lord Britten fingers Sophie?
Why so much fingering on this show?
It's mostly that. Um... Oh, no, it's actually, no, never mind. It's an Olivia Rodrigo song. It's a bad idea.
Yes. Is everyone in this show 17? Because that's the only reason that anyone should be, like, fingering this much. Eventually you gotta... Grow up sometime.
Don't knock it till you try it. Fingers don't have faces.
Yeah, I couldn't agree more, my queen.
Final round. Final round. Final round. In this next round, I'm going to give you multiple choice questions for something that Adal stated, I don't know who that is, just a man, that he did not like in an early episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. What is it that he said he did not like?
Yes, but that was under his breath and to the side.
400 episodes. Adal likes puzzles, riddles, lateral thinking problems. Adal does not like... Trivia! Trivia! Things that you either know or don't know. Figuring since you are in the lead, Lord Whistleship.
Whistle... You made up these names, my queen.
I know, and I'm doing a callback.
Wait, wait, wait. Is he in the lead?
Whoa, where? He got 12 points? I think. Yes. I got all... but I got all the answers right in that last round.
You got two of them right. He got one right.
Oh, the first one was a warm-up, I thought.
No, it wasn't. I ended up taking... I gave him two points for it.
It ended up not being a warm-up?
It ended up not being a warm-up.
He asked for an example. That doesn't mean I wasn't burning through a real one.
Okay, okay. I understand.
If you want, you can make up your points here in this multiple choice.
You're going to have to buzz in quickly because this is going to come at you fast. During the Regency era, why did fashionable women often wear high-waisted gowns?
Remember, you have to say our names.
I think I heard Lord Percival. Lord Percival Thistlewick first.
My Queen, they wore high-waisted gowns because it was easier for them to say my eyes are up here.
That is a great guess, but you did buzz in before I gave you the multiple choice. Fuck!
Say the word and I shall end my life, my queen. No, no, no. My queen, mine was also going to be a joke answer. I could burn mine as well.
Oh yes, of course, please.
Uh, easier access for fingering on stairways or carriages.
Mostly that. A, to make it easier to dance all night. B, to echo the styles of ancient Greece and Rome. C, to hide forbidden pregnancies more easily. D, because I, the Queen, communicated my distaste for traditional corsets.
My Queen, may I ask what constitutes a forbidden pregnancy?
One that happens outside of marriage, of course.
How high would the waist have to be to hide a pregnancy? They're really high.
Yeah, it would be like... They're right under the bust line.
Right under the bust, right?
Yes, that's exactly where they're cut.
I'd say the pregnancy one, I guess.
Has my queen seen the room?
I'm looking at it right now. Oh, hi, Mark. Is that your official guest?
Yes, that's my official guest is the pregnancy one.
You did not get it right. It was to echo the styles of ancient Greece and Rome.
How foolish of me. You can't get pregnant by constantly getting fingered.
What is the purpose of a calling card in Regency society? A. To propose marriage discreetly. B. To prove one can read or write. To announce a social visit or request a meeting, or to challenge someone to a duel.
I have to think it's C, my queen.
Yes, to announce a social visit. Very good.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, my queen.
A point for you. Which beverage became wildly popular in Regency England?
Cherry Pepsi. The only beverage to ever become wild.
This one I don't think you need multiple choice for. Okay. What was the most popular drink in Regency England?
It's not Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Yes, Lord Percival.
No. Viscount, for the steel?
It's just the most popular beverage in Regency times?
Is it wine? No. Is it water? No. Tea? Yes, of course tea, the thing that you can drink way more often than wine. Why would I say wine?
You know what? That concludes our game. Please do a breakdown of your points.
My name is Barnaby Shifty Thorpe and here's the points I got.
No, rap at the same time. You had the right idea. And 5, 6, 7, 8. Is there going to be music?
Do we have a court case? Is there a court case? There it is.
Whenever you're ready, both at the same time, make your case of why you should win.
Well, my name is Barnaby Shifty Thorpe, and I'm the handsomest man of court. I got ten points, that's a hell of a lot, and I got fingered, I'm hot to trot. If you catch me in the castle, know that I want my tongue in my whoop.
Uh, my name is Percival Thistle Brick. You can probably see my dick, or at least the outline of my balls. Hey, everybody, climb the walls. There's a war going on. It starts Monday. Today is not going to be mundane. Flaming arrow through the neck. Hey, everybody, hit the deck. There's a cannonball coming from a cannon. I love wine. I love the tannins. Taste the grass. Taste the air. My queen, derriere, love that asshole of my queen, would equivalent her butthole like the queen.
My queen, my queen, would it please you if we did some Beastie Boys style set up for each other?
Yes, it would please the queen for the 100th episode. Do it again, Casey, do it again. It would please the queen.
I don't mean to give a flex, but I am the best at sex. I don't mean to make a flex, but I am the best at fucking.
I know I'm good. I know I'm right. I can fuck all day. I can fuck all fucking day, baby.
All right, enough, enough, enough, enough.
Enough is enough. That concludes our game. You ended up with 10 points. You ended up with, Lord Percival, how much did you have?
My Queen, what are points? What are points but tally marks in the air? Yes. Shouldn't it be connection and charisma and pure physical looks? Shouldn't your genes dictate what your score is? Shouldn't my mother and father and their status and the fact that they came together and fingered each other all night long, which led to me being born, shouldn't that be the score?
Ah, it's almost as if you read ahead on my script, Lord Percival Thistlewick.
The score doesn't matter. I'm going to let Miss Riddle Lock decide who she chooses.
Who's that? Oh, fuck. She's, uh, she has like a sheet over her. I forgot she was here.
Yes, she's here. And she's very mysterious.
Oh, man, I thought we were going for the Queen. I've been... Doing nothing but innuendo to the queen. Shit. Wait, is Miss Styrius here? She goes, shhh, and she wigs. Oh yes, that's her with the big hat and a bunch of rings and like an interesting bird. Shh.
Miss Riddle Lock, Casey, if you want to do this, feel free. Okay. You have seen these men think, falter, boast, and reveal themselves. Instead of whoever won deciding who you end up with, I will let you choose, and you may factor in whatever you please.
My Queen, I never accept a man until he's fingered me on a set of stairs.
Only one of these men was against the concept of fingering, so I suppose I'll have to pick the one who wasn't, Lord Percival Thistlewick.
Wait, I'm four fingering. That's what he is. No, no, no, that's what I mean. Oh. Wait, you've been four fingering? Okay, hey, props to you brother. Well, the thumb simply won't fit. Speech! I've been maxing out at three, I've been maxing out at three. Two in the pink, one in the stink of course.
Alright, I was gonna say, if anyone wants to say something about 400 episodes, but I think you've said enough.
400 episodes that we've done full of riddles.
400 episodes with stupid jokes.
We'll open up a podcast named Santa Fe. Santa Fe.
Dear listener, may your riddles be sharp, your dances brief, and your courtships be season two of Bridgerton Lovells Hot. Don't Come For Me, that's the best season. Season four is also pretty good so far. I mean, they're all good, but Colin Bridgerton's not the best. Thank you so much, Casey, Arnie Parrott, Adal JPC, and every listener for 400 episodes.
Don't Come For Me sounds like a servant on the stairs.
Ah! No points. Take all of his points.
Take them all. Give them freely. Milady, milady, now that we are done with the riddle portion of the show, should we retire maybe to your chambers and have some hot dogs?
See you in episode 401. Hey there docents and owls, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's a museum lock-in. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.
That was a hate gum podcast. Hey everyone, this is Natalie.
We're from the podcast Exploration Live. It's really funny. It's really good. It's really, really very good. And now we have a YouTube channel to go with it.
That's exactly right, Natalie. You can watch full video episodes of our podcast Exploration Live at youtube.com slash exploration live podcast. That means that in addition to the audio component, We're also getting a video component, exactly, where you're seeing our reactions, what kind of clothes we're wearing, you know, and there's a whole suite of dynamics and physical expressions that you can really only get from a full video.
Body language experts to the front. Exactly.
So come check out X-Person Live, either audio or video.