Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Guys, we got a letter from the Riddle Podcast Union. Hold on. It says urgent. Oh, good. To whom it may concern, that's us.

Sometimes those letters, Erin, that you get in the mail that say urgent are just like scams. They're like, urgent, open immediately. It's like window washing.

No, but they're really exciting opportunities for credit cards that only have like 50% interest.

No, those are good. Tell me, those should be in my pile.

You can't take, ow, my credit cards. Ow, my pile. Okay, let's see. To whom it may concern, it has come to our attention that the three of you do not have understudies per union rules. The three of you each need an understudy in the event where you cannot show up to the podcast. Adal, did you know we were supposed to have understudies?

Yeah, I got... Oh, sorry.

I thought you were in the other room. Oh, I was yelling like you were far. You're right here. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hello. Hi. What were we talking about?

Piles?

Oh, understudies.

Did you know we were supposed to have understudies? Yes. I got a email the day before we recorded our first episode. About eight years ago, it was concerning labor union laws, and it said since we're all technically kids, we cannot work more than two hours at a time. So I said we're all triplets. So if anyone asks.

Okay, I love that we're cutting corners. I'm not sure which corner we cut and how.

I, Erin, did not elect to have an understudy because why would I want to fuck someone who looks like me?

Huh?

Understudy, right? Someone who studies under us?

Should I just burn this or do we want to respond? Casey, would you like to be my understudy? I'm just going to fill out this paperwork really quick. I'm just going to say in the event in which Erin is too tired or too lazy to show, hereby which in regard to Casey Toney will take over all of her

Is there an understudy night? You know, like the one night where people come in and they're disappointed because everybody's played by understudies?

Casey, if you're Erin's understudy, you're gonna have plenty of opportunities.

No, but he might want one where his family can like fly in for it.

I think we have some previous live streams that are an indicator that you're gonna get in there, Casey. You're gonna have some spots.

I don't know what you're referring to.

Erin, are we going to get into trouble here? Because I thought we were working under the whole understudy chain thing where I was your understudy, you were mine, and Adal was yours.

Yeah, it says that that's not allowed because we are not good at pretending to be each other. I'm a little offended by that.

I'm a little offended by that.

Oh my God, there's two of me. Oh my God, which one do I kiss?

I'm a little offended by that too.

Hey, I'm Aaron Keif.

I'm Holly Hunter.

I don't think so.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Hi, Mr. Incredible. Can you say like, hey, Mr. Incredible, I need you to stretch me. Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hi, Mr. Incredible, I need you to stretch me. I realize that was intentionally... I'm gonna put Holly Hunter down as my understudy.

Mrs. Incredible doesn't need anyone to stretch her, Adal. She can stretch herself. Yes, that's right. That's right.

I do, my voice occasionally has been compared to Starlee Cline, who plays Violet in Incredibles.

Is that the same person who does the podcast? Yes. Are you serious?

The mystery podcast. She's a frequent contributor to This American Life. What the frick? She's a very aspirational career, I'm a big fan.

I remember listening to a podcast about her and she found like a rodeo belt or something. Mystery Show, is that her podcast?

Mystery Show is so good.

Very good.

Very, very good. Adal, who do you want me to put down as your understudy? Plaid Lazy Boy? Recliner? Oh no, I'm talking about the chair.

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Let's do that.

All right. A comfy inviting chair will henceforth be Adal's understudy. Or what should we do with person?

Put Craig T. Nelson.

Oh, Craig T. Nelson. Adal, can you do your Craig T. Nelson impression?

Hey coach, hey coach, I don't, hey coach, it's me.

Uncanny. Uncanny. It's SpongeBob.

Okay, let's see. Did you know Dauber is Patrick? What a world.

And JBC, I'm gonna say Captain Hook impressionist. Adal, what do we think we should do for JBC?

We'll be right back.

APC's understudy. I think we're solid. Throw the letter in the trash.

Trash. Lights on fire. Spirits and oogie ghosts come running out, screaming, moaning.

You've been very into the word oogie lately, Adal.

Have I?

Looks over at Word of the Day calendar every day as oogie.

I bought a Nightmare Before Christmas Word of the Day calendar. Six months has been oogie boogie. It's been all oogie all the time.

Okay, I know what I'm getting Adal for Christmas this year. It is an expensive, time-consuming joke.

Oh, it looks like for March it's clown with a tearaway face. That's one word. Interesting. Interesting.

How are you guys?

Good. Yeah, I'm good. Solid. Solid. Like a rock.

If you were so solid, then how could I tip you over? Oogie, oogie, oogie, oogie. Couldn't get him. He's solid.

Solid. Speaking of oogie and tipping over.

Does someone have some news?

Well, I was just going to say, I think we're two months out, but April of the Penguins is right around the bend. And I'm very excited.

Speaking of Oogie, I'm very excited too. Who's won so far?

We're really only one month out, honestly.

I won the first year. Boston Wadlers won. What the fuck are you talking about? Boston Wadlers won in 2020.

Okay, that's not you winning, Erin. A lot of brave penguins died to get you that win.

They weren't brave.

A lot of cowardly penguins perished.

Who won last year? What was your team last year? The New Orleans Night Owls. I think you won. I think you won. What are you going to do back-to-back years? Who do you think is going to take the cake?

I'm going to go ahead and say I think this is Casey Toney season.

I'm checking the Penguin Baseball Wiki and it seems that it has not been created. So we don't have to worry about it.

Good. You know what? Good.

Good.

Good. Good. Casey, do you think you have what it takes this year? I don't know.

I think I have what it takes. I think my cowardly penguins absolutely do not.

And we should tease that we're not doing penguins this year.

Well, hey, we should maybe tease this next month. I don't know, I would tease this a full month. I like to, because we like to tease. Seems pretty early to tease something that's... Sorry, that was very oogie of me.

I'd like to go ahead and tease Penguin Baseball 2027. Yes. Water Wars edition. Um, okay. I actually do know that I'm Old Man Puzzles, and I am a woman now. How did you find that out? Got a blood test. I'm a woman now. I can be responsible. I'm not a child anymore. I'm a grown adult.

Are you saying Old Man Puzzles is a woman now?

Old Man Puzzles has always been a woman. Canonically.

2026, the year of the Old Man Puzzles is a woman.

Go back to episode three, play the clip about the woman living alone and holding a candle.

Hmm.

Hmm.

And then it's a whoosh sound.

I live alone and I'm holding a candle. How can I afford all these candles?

And then we whoosh back. Although I'm not allowed to ask Casey to do stuff like that anymore. JPC gets mad.

To do a smash cut, does it need to have a sound effect? Now

I think that if we're going to use the term smash cut instead of like hard cut, it should come with, it has to have like a, like a breaking glass thing. You know, like when, um, who was, uh, when Stone Cold Steve Austin, like, uh, came out to the ring, you know?

Okay, smash cut to us walking through a crate and barrel trying not to knock over all of the wine glass displays.

Smash Mouth to the wine glasses everywhere. Somebody once told me. Smash Mouth to a Ferris wheel. And Erin, you and I are seated in a cart, but JPC is dangling from it.

Oh no, stop the ride. ...smash mouth to us at a Smash Mouth concert and they're not playing their own music.

Erin, he's dead. There are no more Smash Mouth concerts.

What? Erin, how gross.

The guy's dead, Erin.

The man. Oogie boogie. Okay guys, I don't want to do riddles just as much as the next girl.

We are gathered here to celebrate the life of the guy from Smash Mouth. Oogie boogie.

Go ahead and leave us a one star review on Apple Podcasts.

Do not do it. Do not do that.

No, leave us a five star review that the title is one star and that technically counts as one star.

Yeah, technically counts as one star.

Um, okay. All right. Okay.

Me thinks the lady doesn't protest too much.

Okay. These are from Lauren. I'm so grateful for you Lauren. Thank you for sending in these riddles. Hi team.

So grateful for you Lauren.

I'm grateful for Lauren. I love you Lauren.

Don't say that.

I love you Lauren.

Lauren said hi team.

Yeah. Hi team.

I never thought about it but we are a team. We don't play like what? Who's the captain?

GPC's the one in the boat that is the one yelling at us. Adal's the one rowing and I'm leaning back like I'm being taken on a picnic.

I guess I don't want the responsibility of being the captain, but I do want to be able to say I'm the captain now. Sure.

Yeah.

But I guess that guy wasn't really the captain. He just kind of became the captain a little later on, right?

How about I was the captain then?

I am a paralegal and I run weekly riddle team channels for my law firm. And I have torts-inspired movie riddles for you all.

Sorry, torts?

That's a tort. I'm glad that you asked because Lauren answered it in the next sentence because we don't know. Even though I'm technically a lawyer after following the Karen Reid trial for so many months, I'm not. I just learned a lot. A tort is an act or omission that gives rise to injury or harm to another and amounts to a civil wrong for which courts impose liability.

Okay. Interesting. And it's T-O-R-T?

Yes.

I would assume it's a single tortellini.

Yeah, it is short for tortilla.

Tortilla. Tortellini.

Can we hold on? Explain what a tort is like. I'm stupid.

Erin, you're not using ChatTP Tort, are you? No. You better not be using ChatTP Tort.

I'm looking on Reddit, which is basically cutting out the AI middleman. It's a fancy legal term for someone did something wrong to you and now you have to pay for it.

Yeah, it's like, it applies to civil law, right? Like if you knock down my, you're my neighbor and you knock down my fence or something to cut down a tree, I don't know.

Chumbawamba to you getting knocked down.

However neighbors interact with each other, then I would be like, you and me are going to tort law court. And then if you're guilty, you go to tort jail.

I would watch Tork Court. Daytime Tork Court on TV.

I think that's all of it is Tork Court, right?

Is it?

I think so. Yeah, because it's all civil. None of those like daytime court shows are like a murder trial or something, right? They're all like big companies. Yeah.

Can I ask an old lady question?

Sure.

In the voice though.

How can I get my email to have the font look bigger? It looks so small on my computer, and I'm having a hard time reading it.

Interesting. Can I tell you, I was on a plane pretty recently, and I was sitting next to an older person, and their font was so big on their phone, and it's allowed to be whatever, but I was not trying to read their phone, and I felt like, at a passing glance, I got the full picture of whatever they were doing at any time, and I really wanted to be like, hey man, just turn your phone, if it's gonna be that big, do some opsec here, like, I don't need to know your text messages. What was your question about? Is it still about Torch, Erin?

No, I want to, I need to zoom in. How do I get my, how do I get the writing to be bigger?

Control plus. Or command plus.

Where's the plus button on my?

This stays in.

This stays in, Casey. Erin, it's right next to the delete button.

Above the equal. Yeah, Alt F4.

It doesn't do anything when I did that.

Is it on a web browser?

Yeah.

Yeah, it should.

I mean, I don't know what to tell you. Smash mouth to Erin at the Genius Bar.

Don't hit Alt F4. Alt F4, Erin, if you don't know, this is something that used to be big in video game communities when I was a child's child, where people would be like, how do I get this thing on StarCraft? And someone would be like, yeah, just hit Alt F4. And Alt F4 closes the program. So you would just see this person exiting the game lobby.

How do I do this?

Outstanding. Just like an absolute troll move for 14-year-olds in the 90s. Erin, I'm telling, oh, you have a Mac? I have a Mac. Well, it's Control or Command Plus, but that's how you make your font bigger. It's not doing anything, though. Erin, I'll... I don't know what to tell you.

Erin, send me your emails in a Google Doc. I'll print them out in a larger font and then mail them to you.

Oh, no, no. Okay, I know what I'll do. I'm going to copy and paste this into a Word doc and make the font 20. I can't get it. Is there somewhere on my... it says that if I... on my browser settings I can... I mean, you can... I thought Casey would help me.

Well, you have a Mac. We're PC people. You can hit command and then... do you have a mouse wheel? Are you using Safari too?

No, I'm using Chrome.

Well, in Chrome, do you have a magnifying glass in the URL bar? Erin, launch your extension.

In the URL bar, a magnifying glass? No.

The navigation bar at the top of the screen. Audience, hold tight. We have some customer support. No, that's search.

The magnifying glass is a search.

Okay, Control-U will get you into the source code, Erin, and then just copy and paste whatever you're looking through from the source code into a Word document.

That's what I said I was going to do and everyone laughed at me.

Ma'am, what do you see on your screen right now?

What are you trying to... You're not my son! Erin, what are you trying to look up?

Is it possible you didn't buy Groupon, you bought a Living Social?

No, no. I'm trying to get my email.

What does it say at the top, left hand corner? Does it say Groupon?

Why is it so small? Why did this happen to us?

Erin, can you just pinch to zoom? I don't know how to do that.

Erin, what are you trying to look up? I'll just look it up for you. What do you need?

I'm not trying to look anything up. I'm trying to read this email.

Does your mouse have a scroll bar?

Yes.

Hold command and then scroll up. Erin, can I ask something?

Nothing's happening.

Try control and then scroll up.

Nothing's happening.

All right. Erin, what did you do the previous eight years?

What do you mean? On the show? Or just generally? What happened now? I don't know. I've mostly been in bed. I've been very, very sad. Okay, hold on. This is going to drive me bloggers crazy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have if I do these three dots and then I do mystery downloads.

Well, history down low.

Oh, zoom, zoom. Oh, no, it's at 100%. Oh, no, I can do more than 100%. Wow! Yeah! I did it all on my own with no help from boys.

You're not allowed. You're not allowed to cut any of this out.

Oh, I'm cutting all of it out, bitch.

Oh, you can write that you're cutting it, but ultimately who makes that choice?

But if you close your eyes... Okay, what were we talking about?

Torts.

Torts.

In the hints below... See, Lauren, thank you. Now I can read this. Now the font's big. I do have really bad eyesight, and I actually do think it's getting worse by the day.

Well, yeah, I mean it is. That's aging.

Right. How long until I can't drive anymore, you think? Now? How old are you now, Erin?

34.

Say 35. I think the water wars are going to come way before you have to worry about giving up your driver's license, Erin.

In the hints below, I've described one or more torts that occurred in the film. To get the answer, add or change one letter so that tort is included in the film's title.

This will make sense. Ooh, got it. Yep. Add or change a letter, okay.

Yes. Woody commits defamation against Buzz by claiming he is not a real space ranger.

Tort story. Tort story.

Tort story. It's toy, there's only tort words.

Oh. What?

Toy.

What?

Toy storty.

Storty?

Yeah. Wow. Okay. I get it. I get it. I get it. Yeah.

All right. Let's be done. I'm just kidding.

10 minutes of tech to do one and then just trash it. All right. Next email. Oh my God.

Maximus Decimus Meredith commits assault and battery against his fellow competitors in the arena.

Gladiatorty. Gladiatort. Tort.

Gladiatort. Yeah. Willy Wonka might face a suit for property negligence due to lack of guardrails around his chocolate river.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

By threatening to drop a speck containing Whoville in a pot of boiling basil nut oil, it could be argued that Sour Kangaroo is committing intentional infliction of emotional distress against the titular elephant.

What did you say, JPC?

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are the prosecution, and you can pick any Dr. Seuss character that you are suing, and these are your opening arguments, and JPC, you have to play whatever Dr. Seuss character he wants you to be.

Your Honor, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish? Now I count three fish in two colors, so unless I'm crazy, one of these fish is lying. There's only two fish to be seen.

Your honor, your honor, if I may, could I get like a bowl of water or something?

Seems kind of a little cruel and unusual that I- Do we have to do a brief recess or is your client- Can someone take control over your client? They're having an emotional outburst here in the courtroom.

I can take control over my client. Let me just sit here and maybe I'll try it.

Yawna. This is really serious.

Yawna, this cat is ambulatory on two legs. It's bipedal. Most cats are on all fours. Objection?

Can we have the lawyer step up?

A cat on all fours? A house without doors? Yawna, a house without doors is not a house, that's a shed.

Can I have the council all join me here at the My bench, please. If everyone can just come up, please. I would like to talk to the lawyers privately.

And my axe. My bench are yours. A cat on all fours.

I expect more tact from you. This is a really high profile murder trial. And I just need everyone to sort of lock in. You are doing great. Prosecution, I'm... No complaints. Me? Yes, you're doing fantastic. Oh, thank you. Mr. Hat.

Your honor, your honor. May I speak freely?

Yes, but you cannot speak for the trees. You cannot speak for the trees.

I would never dare to speak for the trees. I can barely speak for the bees.

Are you drunk? Oh my gosh, let me smell your breath.

It smells like mushrooms and vodka.

We're gonna have to do a brief recess. The cat in the hat is drunk.

See, the cat in the hat is always drunk. He's a constantly drunk one. Yeah, and thing one and thing two I think are pretty stoned.

I think they're on meth.

They have meth vibes. Is Red Fish, Blue Fish, is that a line from a Dr. Seuss story or is that a... It's a book. The whole book is about the fish.

Yeah, it's for babies. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

And then what happens? I think they go on an adventure? Do the fish have personalities that I don't know about?

No, I think it's like a list. I think it's like a listy book.

It's a listy book. Like Hop on Pop. Hop on Pop is a list? Yeah, because Hop on Pop, right? Isn't Hop on Pop, it's only like one part of Hop on Pop is even about Hop on Pop. Everything else is just a bunch of rhymes. Right?

I'm afraid I haven't read Dr. Seuss in 38 years.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. This one has a little car. This one has a little star. Say, what a lot of fish there are. Yes, some are red. Yes, some are blue. Some are old and some are new. Some are sad. Some are glad. And some are very, very bad. Oh, God. Why are they sad and glad and bad? I don't know. Go ask your dad. Some are thin, some are fat. The fat one has a yellow hat. From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere. Here are some who like to run. They run for fun in the hot, hot sun. Oh me, oh my, oh me, oh my, what a lot of funny things go by. Some have two feet, some have four, some have six feet, some have more. Where do they come from? I can't say, but I bet they have come a long way, a long, long way. We see them come, we see them go. Some are fast, some are slow, some are high, some are low. Not one of them is like another. Don't ask us why, go ask your mother. Now what did we learn?

Uh, that Dr. Seuss is kind of fucking, like, chopped and washed and hacked and shit. Like, what the fuck was that?

That the one fish's car is ruined because he put a car in water and it ruins the car.

I was looking for maybe a little bit more of, like, this is an English class. So, like, let's dig deep. What do you think it's a metaphor for?

Oh, so this is like, um, what's that Edgar Allan Poe thing with all the colors? Delta Heart, probably. Delta Heart. The mask, what is that, the red mask or something? Count of Monteado. The Count of Emasculation.

Huh.

Erin, you think that was a metaphor for something? It better be, otherwise it's just a bunch of nonsense words.

Erin, I'm mostly impressed that you didn't Google that story or anything, that your eyes just went stark white, like Bran in the Game of Thrones.

Yeah, Adal, you saw that too, right? I actually wasn't here, like I completely blacked out, but I did read the whole thing, or say the whole thing, right?

Erin is half Mintat on her mother's side. Even if he can talk to animals, this veterinarian faces strict liability if his wild patients should attack.

Dr. Doolittle. Dr. Doolittle.

Fantastic. Thank you, Lauren.

Thank you, Lauren.

I appreciate you.

And enjoy your law, Lauren, is what I'll say.

Enjoy your law. Law-ren.

Law-ren. Law-ren. Law-ren. Law-ren tort.

I think we're getting it. Let's go on a break because my brain hurts.

Adal, Erin, what do you think of my new hair? Before you ask, before you ask, yes, I did pull every piece of hair from my head because I was so stressed out about business finances. Yeah, buddy, that looks stressful.

I love my new JPC wig. Thank you for this.

And the best part, it was super painful to do because I used my hands and fingers.

Wow.

Should have used found, right Erin?

Should have used found.

You should have used found because it saved you from all the stress.

Oh, I should have used found. Found makes it easy for small business owners to put all of their finances in one place. Instead of a bank account here, QuickBooks there, tax, invoicing apps stacked on top. Instead, I should have just used Found. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices, and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky outdated apps. Why did I not use Found?

And that's the thing, JPC, is they've made it so easy they've even automated things like tracking expenses, finding write-offs, and budgeting for tax time. You can even send your invoices for free and pay your contractors. Everything all from one app.

They make it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love, JPC, like making wigs!

Well, I am going to be doing a lot of making wigs now because I'm going to have to open up a new small business line that sells GPC hair wigs and people would buy them. So I can't even joke about making them because people would buy them. But I will use found and I will not stress out about having to use multiple different platforms. to do everything that I need to do to run our business. We use Found, and I think that you should too. So take back control of your business today. Open a Found account for free at found.com. That's F-O-U-N-D dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by LeadBank, member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with Found.

Oh, Erin, look, the hair's in the shape of a backwards hat.

I'm J-B-Z. Look, I'm J-B-Z. Whoa, I love it.

I wish I had my hair back.

Smells awful, though.

Come on. Adal, Erin, I am so fed up with car shopping. I must be doing something wrong, because I'll go to the grocery store, I'll buy, you know, some bananas, some apples, a little bit of spinach, and I'll get to the checkout, and I'll say, also, I'd like to buy a car, and they say, well, no, not here. And I go, not here? Then where?

JPC, you big dork.

Tell me what I did because what I think I did is right. So what did I do?

You don't go to a store to buy a car. You use Car Guru's app, the new dealership mode, and it's like having a personal cheat sheet in your pocket right there on the lot with you. You can instantly compare the car in front of you With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars, so it's easier than ever to find the right car at the right deal. And you don't even have to buy a banana. Well, I want to buy the banana.

Oh. Please tell me CarGurus will sell me a banana. You know what? No. I think what I'll do from now on is I'll get my fruit at the fruit store and I'll get my cars by using CarGurus. You can even use CarGurus Discover, a new search feature where you can look for vehicles based on the way you think using your own words. No more being boxed in by filters. Whether you want great gas mileage for a road trip or extra trunk space for all of those bananas, simply type it in and CarGurus Discover will give you real, shoppable listings that match. It's a smarter way to find the car that fits your life and the insane amount of bananas that you buy at the store. Because bananas are going up, up, up, baby, and they never go back.

And I used the CarGurus app to buy us, yanks off sheet, a Riddle Mobile. It's no wonder CarGurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's CarGurus, C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S.com, CarGurus.com.

Okay, so it looks like the Riddlemobile doesn't take gas. We have to answer riddles to make it good. Let's just leave it. Banana space.

Oh, yeah.

It's mostly for show.

Okay, well, let me just do my final measurements here. Everything seems even. Check the doors. Adal, Erin, I have, using my skills as a woodworker, have crafted a well-built wardrobe.

A magical one where you can go into a magical world?

No, I tried it. It's just wood. But it's well-built.

GPC, when we said every adult should have sort of a well-built wardrobe, we didn't mean like the actual frame, like an actual wooden wardrobe. We went like in a quince way, like, you know, like having a lot of adult, well-made.

Like quality clothing that lasts.

Quality pieces that work together, they hold up over time. You know, that's what quince does best. We told you that.

Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, slider jackets that keep you warm in the changing season. I have a raincoat from them that I love.

GBC, I held you down sort of Clockwork Orange style and held open your eyes while I showed you that Quince's premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples feel easy to wear and they're easy to rely on, even as the weather shifts in Chicago.

This is making sense now, because I was like, you were talking about how Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman so you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. That's what you said, and that's what you were doing with my eyes, and can I be honest with you? I did not build that well of a wardrobe. I mean, this thing is pretty loose.

No, it's pretty loose.

You can knock it over with a feather.

Ooh, a nail just went right through my thumb. That's the best case scenario.

They only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I love their home stuff. I love their clothes. I can always count on them for the best quality.

So don't be like that absolute fool JPC. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince.

Don't be foolish like JPC. Right now, go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash Riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. Quince, Quince, Quince.

My name is Mr. Tumnus. Please come with me. I'm going.

He came with the thing. I found him on Fiverr.

Hey, GPC. Hey, Erin. What's up, Adal? Yeah, what's up? I was looking up at the night sky and seeing all these things shooting across the night sky, and I was wondering, what all is out there in the night sky?

Well, stars.

We're at war with the Palladians. What?

UFOs.

Wait, the Palladians? Are those some sort of aliens?

And rockets, which reminds me, this weekend, you guys, I realized that I had been spending so much money on a subscription that I forgot to cancel. I did the whole free trial thing, and then I forgot to cancel it, and I've been paying for it a couple months, but Rocket Money reminded me, yeah.

Oh, please tell me that you're using Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Oh, big time, big time.

And growing your savings is more important now than ever, what with the upcoming war with the Palladians on our doorstep.

Mm-hmm.

Now, Palladians are Paladin aliens, of course, and they come here wanting our, I want to say, oxygen. But with Rocket Money, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances, because you're going to want to save as much money as possible. You and your family can start to buy spaceship parts.

Plus, the app consolidates your checking, your saving, your loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. So, when you're spending money from the secret checking account that your wife doesn't know that you have to fight the Palladians, baby, it's for you. It's all for you. It's for the family. You can see that from your Rocketboard dashboard without getting overwhelmed that your wife is going to find out about your secret Palladian bank account that you're using to fight these guys.

And if you're saving up to fight the good fight, you can do automated savings that grow towards your goals. You can adjust the amount and the frequency, a set-it-and-forget-it approach. So let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E.

They look just like us.

You say joyfully. They look just like us. I want to say oxygen.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Okay, we are back from break. How is everyone's orange slices in Capri Suns?

Good. Mine fell on the floor.

Yeah, I was going to say, you guys are looking to the left and right. Did they fall on the floor?

Mine fell on the floor.

I thought I was supposed to open the Capri Sun with the orange and it got real slippery and it both fell on the floor Well, you left us alone we're both very wearing bright orange sweaters that say do not leave alone Yeah, that's on me that's on me Um, what do I want to do now? Do I want to do more listener submit, or do I want to read from a book? Um, let's have a vote. Everyone, um, this is a democracy. Is it? Um, everyone gets a vote. Um.

Okay.

It's the first Tuesday of November, so.

Do you get a vote as well, Erin?

No.

So it's a two-person democracy. Oh boy. I don't know if this is going to work. Casey can vote. Oh, Casey can vote.

Everybody put your vote in the chat.

Okay. What are my options?

Listener submitted or from a book. Casey said, listener. JPC said, Obamna. And Adal said, we try to raise Dr. Seuss from the dead. Okay, democracy is over. One more democracy. No more democracy.

No, it's a tortallian, tort, tortal, tort, tortal, tortalitarian, tortalitarian, tort, tortalitortalian.

Tortalitortalian. Perfect. Um, okay. You know what I noticed, um, over the last several years? No. I'm old man puzzles.

Oh.

I used to read long-winded riddles. Riddles that were, like, a little bit more story-based, and we used to focus more of the episode on those.

Sure.

I got less and less attracted to those as we went. But I was handed this book at a live show. This has a little bit of longer riddles, so I'm going to try to reintroduce that back into the fold.

Got it.

This does require a level of listening that feels harder to do post-COVID lockdown. I think our attention spans have gotten shorter in the last several years. How do we feel about paying attention for a long period of time?

No.

Perfect. I completely agree. If you tried to do this to me, I'd freak out.

Do we need a pen and paper by chance? No.

You just need to turn your listening ears on. But that feels hard. So if you need to play a game on your phone while it happens.

Erin, when you say we need to be listening, do we need to be listening to the story from the book that you are going to read to us, or do we need to be listening to the little Rolling, I want to say, movie that's playing in our head that is the little hot dog and the coke saying, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby and have ourselves a snack.

I would say if that feels like an emergency, if that starts to be sung in sort of a manic way where they're trying to get your attention, focus on that. Otherwise, maybe focus on the riddle.

Great, let's all go to the lobby.

I guess it's kind of an emergency. I do have a question. The popcorn, the hot dog, and the big soda are going to the lobby for snacks. What are they getting? Because they're the snacks.

People.

In the longer cut of that, which they cut out because they didn't show it to you in the movie theater, they were going, they were getting like a person roasting on that hot dog spin.

Yeah, like a spin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like an arm. And they were eating people popcorn, which is, I want to say, eyeballs? I don't love that, but that's what it is.

They're drinking blood. Yeah.

People popcorn.

That's in the longer cut.

But it's not blood. It's like blood mixed with carbonated water. So like the blood is the syrup. So it's... Ooh, actually that might hit.

I'd like to see a scene.

Coca-Cola freestyle machine with blood?

GPC, you're the hot dog. Hot dog! I did it for you. Adal, you are the soda. I am the popcorn. And we are all kind of like high at the movies and we're commenting on the movie that we're watching. Holy shit. Holy shit, they're going to go to space and destroy the asteroid? That's fucking nuts.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Why wouldn't they just train astronauts how to use a drill? Why would they train oil drillers to be astronauts? Isn't astronauts way harder? Who's eating my bun? Who's eating my bun?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. By the bar! By the bar! Sorry, we tried to get dinner before this and then we were running late.

Oh my God, I just thought of something.

What's up?

Is the straw my mouth or my dick?

Oh my God, it's your dick.

Put it away. Don't answer.

Hide it, hide it. Oh my God, hide it. Yikes, yikes, yikes.

You can't shove your dick back inside.

What do you mean, hide it? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Who? Alan? Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, wait. Which one?

Oh, it's Steve Buscemi?

Oh, yeah. She kills it. Horndog. What a great character. What a great character archetype. That's my bun! Okay, fine. I'm gonna take a- I am gonna take one of you. I'm gonna take a little bite of one of you. What? Because you've been eating my bun all night.

I'm a soda.

So- Hey, you three gotta leave. Shining a flashlight on you. This is not a place for an orgy. This is a movie theater. One of you has your dick out. The other one's eating the other one's buns. You gotta go. The three of you have got to go. All right, all right. All right, all right.

What's caught? Okay, fine.

Well, let's see the ending and then we'll get out of here.

Okay, all right, we're going.

Oh, he's putting an animal cracker on her tummy.

What movie is this? Armageddon!

Armageddon! What movie has Ben Affleck putting an animal cracker on Liv Tyler's tummy?

Because I remember the part with the training them to go to space.

Yeah.

Because then he says that in like the commentary or something of it.

That might have been Owen Wilson's big break.

I think it was. The best part about that movie is that Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck have sex to a Steven Tyler song. And it just feels like, that kind of feels a little wrong, right? That's your dad singing. Your dad's singing right now.

I would like to do, that's so funny. I would like to do an experiment. Right now, this is going to be a scene, but it's actually just us doing the commentary for the beginning part of this episode. So we're going to do DVD commentary. We're just going to try to remember the best we can of what happened at the beginning of this episode. So you can layer this later, listeners, if you want to hear a commentary from the beginning of the episode.

See, and I think what Erin's doing here is so brave. Because normally, at the peak behind the curtain, we cut out 10 to 15 minutes per episode of Erin trying to zoom into her computer screen or find out... I mean, it took a long time to figure out what a tab was. She kept trying to pay her tab, her various tabs. We were watching her feed $1 bills into her computer. But we left it in the episode, and that, I feel like, that's a pretty brave choice.

And did we leave it in the episode? Or did Erin go through the edit and she sort of made sure?

Well, another peek behind the curtain is that Erin doesn't post the episodes and what Casey does is he can make sometimes fake files and gives them to Erin and says, this is the episode. You can definitely hear this episode. And then someone else goes and puts the real file in the episode. And everybody has to say about that.

Oh, Adal's about to make a joke and he sticks the landing. Adal, did you get a stunt double to do that?

Yes, that was actually Oksana Baiul.

Oh, wow.

Remember her?

Yes.

Remember Oksana Baiul?

Scene.

What a strange combination of letters coming from Adal Shoghi Rifai. Oksana. I like Oksana. Oksana by all.

The absolute tug of war that's going to happen behind the scenes in this episode between JPC and I. This is going to be emotional warfare that Casey's going to be in the crosshairs of. And Adal, you should try to do a secret edit. The secret Adal edit and get one over on both of us.

This will be like the Zack Snyder director's cut.

Yes. You make it four hours longer and much, much worse.

Any time more work is required from anyone in this podcast, there is zero tug of war. It is one person may decide to do it and everyone else does not.

Mike Peters was surprised to see his window slide open and was positively shocked when he saw two strangers climb inside. What transpired next could only be described as a despicable act of thievery. Mike watched with fascination as the two thieves systematically began to remove the priceless Persian carpets, artwork, and jewelry. Having stripped the room, the thieves climbed back out the window. Incredibly, Mike went back to what he had been doing before, and the thieves arrived, and soon he'd forgotten about the entire incident. Why wouldn't Mike, who was in perfect health, have tried to stop the thieves, or at the very least called the police after they left?

Sorry, you said at some point the thieves arrived?

Mike went back to what he had been doing before the thieves arrived.

Oh, okay. Is this like in Sims? Is this like a Sims?

Yeah, they're all Sims.

Gabe?

Mike Peters, in my imagining here, is not a human. I gotta think that Mike Peters is like, what's something with no memory? Like a silkworm or something like that. Like a spider.

All the silkworms listening to this are so offended.

Is Mike Peters a human?

Mike Peters is a human.

It said that they were stealing Persian rugs right? So, because in my mind I was like, oh, he's like in the hospital. He's got like some, he's got like some memory disorder or something like that.

He's in perfect health.

He's in perfect health. And you wouldn't steal Persian rugs from a hospital, right? So it's got to be a place that you are stealing.

If you're a bad person you are. And if the hospital is super fancy. That doesn't apply here though.

The amount of liquid, the amount of bodily fluids that are hitting that Persian rug.

Yum.

Bedpan on a Persian rug. Ooh, la la.

Bedpan on a Persian rug.

I did a deep clean of my couch yesterday with my wet couch vacuum thing that does the fabric cleaning. And I have a white couch and I was like, oh, it's actually not that dirty. This should be okay. Jet black water in the vacuum. It's disgusting. And I was like, oh my God. I'm

Hey, if you want to give, if you want to stop giving a shit about any piece of furniture or like thing that you own in your house, all you have to do is have a kid because they treat it like absolute garbage and you go, okay, good. I'm now releasing the part of me that cares about things being nice. Now everything, now everything, you can just beat the shit out of it. Who cares?

The house is to be lived in.

Yeah. Is that, is Mike Peters a baby?

Yes. Mike Peters is a baby.

JPC, you helped me. Mike Peters is a baby? This is my baby, Mike Peters.

Actually, that fucking rules. Introducing your baby first and last name.

Mike Peters is a baby.

This is my baby Mike Peters. Yeah, but why is your guy's last name Abrams? We just love the name Mike Peters for a baby. Mike Peters was actually my dad's best friend, his old war buddy. And so when he died, we said, we're going to name our kid after you. And we went literal with it. Mike Peters as a baby, it feels like if you want to have your baby have like a Bruce Willis, look who's talking voice. Oh yeah. You name your baby like Mike Peters and give them like a... A badge?

Because I feel like Mike Peters, baby. I feel like within that sentence someone's flashing a badge.

Yeah. Mike Peters, baby. Mike Peters, baby. How long has the person been living in this residence?

I hope you

I feel like when they're a baby, you go Mikey. You're like, this is Mikey. And then like later on, you drop it to Mike. But like Mike Peters is just, it's too old timey of a name for a baby.

Yeah, it's too formal. Even though it's not Michael, it's too formal. Yeah.

If anyone needs a pet name for your pet, Mike Peters is really funny.

This is my baby, Donald Johansson. Excuse me?

Walk away from me.

Donald Johansson doing tummy time?

I wouldn't want this musty old dump if you gave it to me, snapped Ida Gamble. Look, replied Sam Sham, Clem may have been a whacked out hermit, but I have a feeling he hid a fortune on this property. This house has been boarded up for seven years. All you need to do is pay the back taxes and my modest fee and this little gem is all yours. I'm outta here, cried Ida. Wait, just let me show you the secret staircase I found. Sam pulled back the oak pressed paper paneling to reveal the hidden staircase. Look, that step is loose and there's something shiny behind it. Sam pulled back the loose step to discover a small collection of shiny sterling silver cutlery. I knew it, exclaimed Sam. This house contains a fortune. I think I might buy it myself. Not so fast, replied Ida. You offered me the house and I just bought it. How do you know that Ida has just been scammed?

Well, I mean, as far as scams go.

Let's all go to the lobby.

It seems like a pretty obvious scam for someone to be like, hey, do you want this thing? And someone would be like, no. And then for them to immediately find something very valuable in it and be like, whoa, look at this. I found something very valuable. That strikes me as like three-card Monty, like you're getting scammed immediately here.

Yeah, yeah. But why? How do we know? What detail gives it away other than The obvious vibes.

Seemed like he knew where the hidden panel was.

I mean, the whole thing, right? Is there one thing in here? Because it seems like a collection of, like, hidden panels, sterling silver.

Yeah, but, like, what is an ob... Like, this... What are they looking for?

Treasure?

No, like, what... Love?

Oh, are they in love?

No, it's an indicator... I guess you're never looking for it. It's an indicator that...

If Clem's musty old house had been boarded up for seven years, the sterling silver cutlery would have been badly tarnished and not shiny. It was an obvious plant by the master of scams, Sam Sham. By the way, Sam Sham, not the master of scams. First of all, buddy, gotta change your name. Go with maybe Mike Peters, a little more innocuous if you're gonna be running scams on people.

I'd like to see a scene.

Okay.

Erin, you are running a scam as a fortune teller. GPC, you are a hapless customer who is going in for the first time to get your fortune told.

Ah, I knew you were coming in here today.

Oh my god. Oh, that's, that's wonderful. That's... Oh my god. You must be the real... Do I sit anywhere?

Uh, yeah, sit in... Oh, I knew you were going to pick that chair.

Oh, yes. It looks like the one, the one chair in the room. I didn't know if there was other options of, of chairs. My god, you're good.

Whoa, this is so crazy. A message is being channeled. Through me and to me.

That's why I'm here, for a message.

Oh my gosh. You're about to tell me.

Tell you.

Your bank routing number. And your social security number. Wow.

Yeah, I guess I don't mind telling you my routing number.

Those are... And the account number.

Yeah, I was gonna say because those are just like... And the social security. Unique to banks, so... But the account number and the social security number, I was gonna tell you that?

Yes. It's very important that you do. Your life depends on it.

Okay. 021-719-84. And then my social security number is 618-21-21 Not so fast, Mike Peters, baby detective.

We've been circling this lady for three months trying to get her.

Mike Peters, you'll never get me. You can't crawl fast enough, idiot.

She's right, of course. Throw me. You have to throw me.

You can barely hold up your neck. What's going to happen when he throws you? You can't grab onto nothing? You're going to pull yourself up on the coffee table and dance a little? Yeah, right, Mike Peters. You'll never catch me. I jumped out the window. I thought I was on the first floor. Two stories up.

I guess I pick up Mike Peters and throw Mike Peters out the window as well.

It happened in Alaska during the winter of 1993 when a small, fully loaded passenger plane tried to approach the runway during a violent snowstorm.

The control tower regretfully informed the pilot that due to the inclement weather, the runways were closed to all air traffic.

Furthermore, all airports within a 300-mile radius were also closed. Upon hearing this, the pilot immediately informed the passengers of the news while turning the plane around and heading back from where they had just come. Incredibly enough, within a half hour, all the passengers were safely inside an airport terminal building. How was this possible?

The plane was on the ground.

The plane was on the ground.

The passengers and the crew were approaching the runway for takeoff when they were informed that the runways were closed and their flight was canceled.

What a happy ending. That's always such a fun ending.

Yeah, I'd like to see a scene. You two are pilots, and you were flying a plane. And you both don't want to be the one to give the bad news over the intercom because you don't want to be the bad guy that you guys are not going to be taking off.

This is your captain speaking for United flight 483 nonstop to Phoenix. We have a bit of Bad news, and my co-pilot Chad is going to tell you that right now.

Yep, this is Chad. I am your co-pilot. Of course, Captain Dan up here. He is the head honcho, the main captain. The bad news that I was going to deliver... I know we said earlier in the flight that the expected weather in Phoenix was going to be a balmy 78 degrees. It's now looking like it's going to be 82 in Phoenix. Unfortunately, that's not the end of our bad news. More over to Dan. Captain Dan.

Speaking of 82 and Phoenix, my aunt is 82 years old today, and I just got word that she did pass away. She fell in a shower, conked her head, and died on impact. So if you need to get off the flight due to that information, please make your way to the front of the plane. We'll let you out, um, quick style. If you look to the left, you'll see your co-pilot, Chad, about to make the announcement. Chad?

Chad again. Looks like somebody checked a wolf in their checked luggage, and the wolf is loose in the bottom of the plane. So if you are allergic to wolves in any way, and you want to make your way off the plane today, United will, of course, reimburse you for a different flight. If you're fine with a loose wolf on the plane, stay on by all means. Back over to you, Dan, for more plane news.

In plane news today, one of you is a real passenger and the other 87 are Air Marshals. I'll leave it to you to figure out who's who. Back to you, Chad.

Speaking of Air Marshals, the Air Jordans that you bought at Marshals are fake. You have 44 hours to return them to the store if that applies to anyone on the plane. Please exit the plane now. Back to you, Dan.

Just a heads up for all you passengers who might have Jordans or any other patent leather shoe. Patent leather is a term used for the cheapest quality of leather. They call it patent leather. Some people think it means genuine, but it's actually a term for the cheapest cut of leather.

Back to you, Jet. Speaking of genuine, doing a special performance of Pony in the O'Hare Terminal 5 Break room! Uh, if you are interested in attending a free concert of Ginuwine singing only the song Pony as many times as he can before he passes out, feel free to de-play now.

Speaking of Pony, I just want to say a quick announcement to one of our passengers. Stay golden, Pony boy. Stay golden, whatever that means to you.

Are we gonna take off, or...

Take off. Take off.

Yeah, we've been on the runway for like two hours.

This thing's like 40,000 pounds. What are you talking about?

That's what airplanes do. What? What?

The two dumbest men alive.

This thing's like 40,000 pounds. OK, OK, let's do a voicemail theme, please, Casey.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Unbelievable.

That is another one from Jane Cipher. And of course, this is Jane Cipher Month because Jane Cipher submitted four of those. We have two more to go. Thank you so much for submitting. If you want to submit a voicemail, 30 seconds or less to hrrpodcast at gmail.com, of course.

I fucking ruled. Hey, this is Johnny down in Pensacola. Let's see if I can do this in 30 seconds. Adal, I just got back from New Orleans. Those three things I probably should have done but didn't. JPC, with the way this world's going, what are your top three budgeting tips? And Erin, what are your top three tips for keeping sane and happy when the bullshit just won't stop? Thank y'all for everything you do. We need y'all right now. Stay strong, y'all.

What a charming message. What was their name?

Couldn't quite make it out. I want to say Johnny and Pensacola, but that just, it just, it sounded very Johnny, but it could be, it could be, it's Pensacola. Let's just say Big J. We can refer to this person as Pensacola.

Here's three things you should have done. Number one, pronounced it chap-a-tool-is, not to cap-a-tool-is.

I think it was Mike Peters.

Oh, baby detective. Number two, you should have sought out Liuzza's By The Track, the best hot butter shrimp po' boy in town. Wow. And number three, you should have tipped the band at Preservation Hall to play St. James Infirmary or Tiger Rag because they do take requests. Okay.

Okay, three for me real quick. The first one, number one with the bullet. Budgeting is not necessarily about like controlling your spending. It's about understanding your spending. So the first thing you have to do is don't put any judgment on yourself. Just get an idea of where you spend your money. That might help you make further decisions or it might just help you figure out where you spend your money. Number two, budgeting does not mean that you can't get anything like nice for yourself or do fun things for yourself. So remember to give yourself some grace and remember that Today we're And then like after that, if you want to spend less on like dining out, you can set that as a manageable goal. But don't don't try to do that your like first month because you will it'll lead to failure and failure will make you want to stop, which it shouldn't. Failure should make you want to try again. All right, Erin.

JPC, that was really great advice.

Thank you. Everything that Adal said about New Orleans, I couldn't tell if he was making it up because I've never been there and I don't know any of those places.

So my advice, I'm gonna hit you with the classic Mr. Rogers look for the helpers. That's been incredibly helpful recently. There's always people helping in dire situations, so that will help you self-soothe to remember that humanity has some good in it. Consume stuff that you enjoyed when you were a child. Try to make a younger you proud. And my third piece of advice is go and get your blood work done. Make sure that your inner health is okay and maybe you are vitamin D deficient like the rest of the population and get that worked out because that will give you a little boost up if you're feeling a little blue and a little bit down.

Erin, you're always saying stop making your blood work for you and start working for your blood, right?

Exactly. It's grind culture mindset.

I was just going to say, I don't know much about budgeting, but I'd also say, I don't know how old you are, but I would say start investing for retirement and I would say buy 5 to 10 to 12 houses.

Yes. Actually, that's huge. That is huge if you could buy 5 to 10 to 12 houses.

Which is recent Scott Besant advice.

So insane. That made me laugh out loud when I saw it. Anything to plug, guys?

I want to plug Gum, Shoes, and Dragons. I don't think that's a theme song, but it's pretty close. Check that out. We have a lot of fantastic guests. We have a lot of fun on the show itself. We have a Patreon, so check all that out. Also, please listen to Hello from the Magic Tavern and check out our Patreon, Hey Riddle Riddle's Patreon, especially, not to tease it too early, But especially in that oogiest of months, April, because we will be doing April of the Penguins, which means penguin baseball. Erin Keif, anything to plug or promote?

Check out Quality Time if you're in Los Angeles. I've met so many very sweet Hey Riddle Riddle listeners at Quality Time recently that have been in town visiting friends and there for other reasons and happen to be there at the same time as Quality Time, and it is so nice that people have been showing up. But if you can follow us on Instagram to see when our next show is. JBC, a review to read, anything to plug?

Keep leaving these five-star reviews, people. This one I absolutely love and there's some ones coming up that I love as well. This one just says, a five-star review from Lorelei Faye that says, a guy I met on Tinder told me about this podcast. He turned out to be a pervert and I ghosted him, but two years later, I'm still listening to the show. Hope you're doing well, Josh. Mike Peters. Oh no, Josh. Josh. Josh. In a wag of my finger to Josh.

Josh. Come on, this is a wake-up call.

And Josh, whatever you did to be a pervert, it sounds like it wasn't a good pervert. It sounds like you were being a pretty naughty pervert.

Alright, well, we're gonna keep an eye on that. And... Hot dogs!

It's not hot dogs, Erin. It's only from Patreon.

Why can't I do it here too? Why are we limiting ourselves?

I guess you can't.

Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby to get ourselves a treat.

Hey there, pranks and dressing rooms. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Public Access. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or sorry, seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.