Which Riddle Riddle?

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New Year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. Now get a savory sausage McMuffin with egg, plus hash browns, and a small coffee for just $5. For a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Time.

Yeah, no need for a count for this one. You guys are all good. I guess I'll just leave.

No, count. No, count.

No, no. I know what I'm doing. No, don't count. Bye. Bye, though.

Oh, is this the line for Hey Riddle Riddle? Is this where it starts?

Yeah, this is the end of the line.

Whoa, did you camp here overnight? This looks crazy.

Yeah, I'm a bit of a riddle head, is what the podcast calls their listeners, I think. I can't really remember. They've been through a few iterations. Future lizards, maybe, was something. Anyway, would you like some Mountain Dew?

This looks like it's boiling hot, so yes.

Gotta get all the syrup out.

I mean, I thought I didn't have to get here this early.

I figured... Well, it's a special show. We're in line for a special show because all four hosts are here.

Janet, I didn't even know. Oh, yeah. That's why most of us are camping out, you know. Oh, sorry.

There's someone in that tent. Does someone want to take my place? I thought I was in line for the lion. That's what I heard, that this is the lion for Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm a big feline fan. So if anyone wants to take my spot, I'm going to peace out and go to the zoo.

I don't know, this is sort of a lateral move to that. I think you might enjoy this. You're already waiting in line.

Oh, okay. And I thought that they were doing another parody Lion King episode where they sing, what was it, like sexual parodies of Lion King, I think?

I think you're safe in saying sexual blank.

I'm actually going to cut it into the front of the line now that you said that. If that's a possibility, I've got to be at the front of the line for this baby.

I'm cooking out, by the way, if anyone wants a hamburger or anything like that. Wait, what was the second option? Hamburgers? No, I think it was... Oh, the other option that wasn't hamburgers?

I'm also making... I'm sorry, Janet, can you help me out here? JVC should not be allowed to use this soundboard if I also don't have one.

Oh, Erin, I signed a contract that said that JPC would exclusively use the soundboard. I was told that I couldn't participate in the show unless I signed that contract. What?

JPC?

I needed help.

I'm sorry, Erin, but I don't have a soundboard. See, this is weird. You guys, this is weird and hard. That's trippy that you used that. And why do you have that?

Hey, Erin, why don't we all relax, have some hot Mountain Dew, and raise a glass to the one and only Janet Varney. Janet Varney, welcome to the show.

Oh, thanks. Oh, that is so hot. That is so hot. I don't think we'll be able to taste anything for a while now.

They shouldn't be in glasses either. We should get like coffee mugs or something if it's hot out there.

Baja Scald?

Love a Baja Scald.

You guys, we're in 2026 and I think maybe, what if we started something a little new? What if there were consequences to JPC's actions this year?

Speaking from personal experience, I don't like that. As someone who's experienced consequences for my actions, I prefer never have that happen again.

We got one vote no, one vote yes. What would that look like? I'm trying to imagine how the world would keep even turning if there was a consequence for every time JVC did something for which there should technically be a consequence. I don't know, bitch.

Erin! Can I go? Can I go if I don't even you don't even need me Okay, let's do a quick experiment JPC you're gonna be me. You can use whatever sounds I say on the soundboard. Okay, Adal and Janet I Want it? Okay. I'll do a scene. How about a seat? I'll set up a scene It's gonna be Adal Janet in me soundboard me and you are three people in a submarine Okay, great and you're getting a little claustrophobic and bored, okay

I sure am hungry on this submarine. I wish I had some hot dogs. Yeah, that's it. Thank you.

Make it hard for him, Adal.

Oh, yes. You know, my schnauzer is at home in Oklahoma City and, you know, temperature's spreading in the 90s, high 90s, I think. So he's probably a bit of a hot dog. Yeah, that's right.

I am a big fan of, you know, people like McDreamy and, you know, like Doc Hollywood. Are you gay? I was going for hot dogs, but like Docs. But that's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. I've reached too far. I Icarused. I really Icarused that one. Stop talking about milking me.

Well, looks like there's a hole in the submarine, so I guess this is it. Well, no, nobody save her. We're gonna drown anyway, so don't waste your energy.

She's drowning in the mayonnaise inside this submarine.

Are you watching Dune?

Okay, scene. Okay. Alright, I guess you don't need me.

I think I have everything I need from you at this point, Erin.

Brutal.

Starting to feel like I can't tell, I can't see Erin's mouth moving at all. And I don't remember all of these moments, so... 2026 ventriloquist act. I'm having, I'm free, I'm, I'm not, you were, somebody was cooking out earlier, can't say who wasn't out there in the line, but I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out because I don't know what's real and that, my friends, is 2026.

Janet, we shock you that all of our episodes for the past year have just been JPC hitting a button on a soundboard, including what I'm saying right now.

I knew it! I knew it! That was the only one I was sure of! The only one I was sure of!

We outsourced a lot. And everybody, you know what? I hope you guys enjoyed your long vacations, okay? I'm doing this out of the goodness and graciousness of my own heart. Um, Janet, you're joining us at the best possible time of the year because we are firmly in the middle of San Francisco Sketch Fest. So, I, I, cause, what's today? Today is the 21st. Today's the 21st, so we still have some Sketch Fest left. How many heart attacks have you had?

Well, as you guys remember, I did have a heart attack live on stage at the Hey Riddle Riddle show. Would not have expected JPC to be the one giving me mouth-to-mouth. That actually came as a bit of a surprise. Before the heart attack even happened. Before the heart attack. Hence causing the heart attack. It's one of those snakes eating its own tail situation.

Someone asked, is there a doctor? I heard dog turd. I stepped up because I thought... I'm a dog turd. Did you say doll hair? Did you say dog turd? Hold on. Don't give me a lobotomy. That's not going to help my breathing right now.

I did not get enough sleep for whatever this is.

And that is sketch rest. Every day of sketch rest is me saying I did not get enough sleep for whatever this is. It's three weekends, correct, Janet? It's three weekends and then just It's almost every day in between during the week.

I think the last couple times we've gone, it's been the last weekend. And at this time, we're going the first weekend. That's right. And so you're going to be less fresh as a daisy.

I'm going to be fresh as a daisy. I was fresh as a daisy.

So if you're listening to this when it comes out, you've already missed Hey Riddle Riddle's show. Better luck next year, moron. But there's still two more weekends full of shows that you can see. So check out other shows at SFSketchFest if you're in the San Francisco area.

Bunch of great stuff. If you like Hey Riddle Riddle, there's a bunch of great stuff waiting for you on the other side of that show, which was frickin' awesome.

Some would even say even better stuff. I would say that. I would say even better stuff.

I can't say that.

I'm allowed to. I'm allowed to say even better stuff.

Cast reunion of news radio?

Can we make that happen? I think we did do that.

Can we make that happen?

Can we make it happen again? No. I'm trying to remember.

For several reasons.

Yeah, I'm sure I have plenty of Andy Dick stories that I have blocked from my brain.

I want to see, in 2026, I want to see just Joe Rogan and Andy Dick sharing a stage together. I want to see what that would be. Coming up with comedy gold on that stage.

A lot of wisdom would be dropped.

Before going on stage and not dropping any wisdom.

Floored, littered with wisdom. Janet, it's a new year. How do you feel about Riddles? Are you still into Riddles, Janet?

Yeah, 2026, again, I feel like reality itself is crumbling. 2026 feels like a perfect time to really lean in, embrace riddles with the understanding that at least I know ostensibly that it is a riddle going in.

Yeah.

There's a sense of security to that. It's like I'm putting on the safety belt Before the crash. Because at least I know it's a riddle. The rest of the time, I don't know. I don't know what's real. So I think this is the year. I think 2026 is the year to fall in love all over again or for the first time.

Yeah. It's like when the gladiators knew that they were going to fight a lion versus like, oh, the gate's opening. Who knows what's beyond there?

Yeah.

Is that what we're?

Yeah. Excuse me, I'm here to fight a line for Hey Riddle Riddle.

No, I'm sorry.

Get in the back, buddy. All the way to the back. We've been waiting, sir.

Please stop stabbing those tents. Well, let's get into some riddles here. I have our very first one. JPC, Erin, are we still on board with riddles? Yeah, of course.

Would it matter if I wasn't? I guess is my big question. Not at all.

I hate to say that there's another Erin who would be willing to do riddles. Erin?

Hot dogs.

And Erin, that's not a threat. That's just letting you know we do have backup.

I know.

And Erin, we do technically, legally, just for posterity, we do need your consent before we start giving you riddles. So you do have to, just an affirmative of some sort.

Mm-hmm. All right, soon. Come on.

Come on.

And Grok, put Erin's voice in a bikini.

Oh my God. Honestly, I would rather my likeness and my voice be used by AI than JPC. JPC's super bad for the environment. Did you know it takes a thousand gallons of water for JPC to press a button?

And that water can never be used for anything else.

I know, isn't that crazy?

After I'm done with it. It's gone.

Well, it becomes Mountain Dew Code Scald or whatever.

Baja Scald. You know what, Adal? I actually am totally on board with Riddles. Oh, hell yeah. I actually have a great attitude.

That's perfect, Erin, because this should be a walk in the park. A man looks out of a window. He is desperate to open it, yet he knows this would kill him. Why?

Did I call my shot submarine?

Erin, you somehow called your shot. She's a witch. He is in a submarine suffering from claustrophobia.

I would like to see a scene.

He could also be on an airplane. Absolutely. In underwater.

You guys, am I crazy? That's crazy. First one.

Erin, you're so good at riddles that you are starting to have premonitions. This is like Mothman prophecies. You're starting to have visions about future answers to future riddles.

I have magic powers.

So this is not only are we into riddles, but Erin can predict riddles.

Shadow. Echo. Glove.

Okay, I think you're now just saying military codes. Shadow, Echo, Glove, this is Echo Niner. Erin trying to activate the winter soldier over there.

Did it work?

Yeah, probably. And you're the winter soldier right in. Erin, did you actually want to see a scene?

No, I mean the scene I wanted to see I saw earlier. Isn't that crazy?

Did you want to call a scene now for what the answer to the next riddle will be?

Oh, I love this. Love this. Okay, I'd like to see a scene. Janet, you are a banker. Of course I am. And Adal, you're trying to get some money out of the bank. And Janet, you already spent his money. So you're trying to get him to change his mind.

Yes, welcome to my room. And I understand you're interested in making a withdrawal from the piggy bank that you have been making deposits into.

Yes, I've been consulting with a lot of financial advisors and they told me that this was the stupidest thing I've ever done to put my money in a piggy bank. But you were selling lemonade. You had a trustworthy face and I just want to sort of get that money back.

Yeah, and I want to apologize. I also burned my tongue from that hot lemonade. So that's actually why I sound like this now. But yeah, how much would you like to withdraw today, sir?

I'll take all of it. I believe it was $38,000. Um, yeah. Oh, and this is your room is, is this a Range Rover?

It's a Range Rover made out of diamonds. Oh.

That is bonkers. That must have cost way more than $30,000.

I inherited it. I inherited it. I inherited it. So we don't, I don't know how familiar you are with the banking system, but we don't have access to that amount of, I know that it looks like a physical thing should be inside this piggy bank, but that's sort of an existential piggy bank. And so I'm not able to access most to all of your money today.

So you're saying like bank vaults are just sort of for display.

Bank vaults are for display only. That's correct. So if you wouldn't mind leaving.

Uh, fair enough.

I actually have an appointment.

I'm getting some.

Hey, I got a delivery for a rainbow pony. A $200,000 rainbow pony. Oh, I can't believe it's here. That came so fast. I just ordered it yesterday. Yeah, uh, you wanted it. Online it said dead or alive, so that's okay, right? Uh-oh.

Okay, I'm gonna go downstairs. Excuse me, sir? Yes? Yes, how may I help you? Oh, I guess it runs in the family. Hot lemonade. No, no, thank you.

That man is a stranger to me.

Oh boy. I've had my fill of hot lemonade.

Did I do it, Adal? Did I get it?

Um, let's see. What kind of lemonade... I would nervously go through every one of his riddles.

Yeah, never mind.

Mad love for Fleming. I'm gonna say right now, I predict that through the course of this episode, there will be a moment in which some piece of that scene, we will be like, oh shit. Actually, yeah. Like, it may not be as literal as we think, but I think it's coming. I think, I believe in Erin's magical powers.

Thank you for believing in me.

Always. Here's a rainbow pony. My Aunt Elise insisted on taking me to my local pub. But almost immediately, the landlady told her to get out. The landlady is generally very fair and open-minded, so why did she do that?

You can take kids to pubs. Well, she told my Aunt Elyse to go.

Could you do that again in a British accent? It troubles me that you're saying pub and you're not using a British accent.

My Aunt Elyse insisted on taking me to my local pub, but almost immediately The landlady told her, get out, isn't it? Get lost, fuck off, right?

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain. I think she's got it. I think she's got it!

Okay, did Aunt Elise bring you to this pub and it was like closed? She like broke in after hours and the landlady was like, get the fuck out of here, you're breaking into the pub.

That's a great guess, that is incorrect. Fuck.

Why do we know that the landlady has anything to do with the pub at all? Like, what do we think the relationship to the pub the landlady has? Because that doesn't mean anything to me.

We can replace landlady with owner or bartender.

Okay.

I was assuming it was like an actual public house where the landlady lived upstairs. Could we replace her with AI? Yeah. Yes, no, and yes.

I'm just pregnant.

Erin, what was your question?

That's a good guess. That's a good medical guess. Did she not pay her tab?

No, she is, that's not the issue.

Squared away, okay.

Well, I wouldn't say she's squared away.

The kid was a good guess too, Erin.

Wait, what was your guess?

I guessed that she was pregnant.

Ooh, that is a good guess.

Is the person saying it's like my Aunt Elyse, is Aunt Elyse, is she like a gun owner? And she's like, this is my niece, and it's a gun, and she's trying to bring a gun into the pub?

A gun wearing a wig.

Is there a reason why the niece or nephew is not getting kicked out, but Aunt Elyse is? Is that part of it?

The noose or newfew.

Newfew. Yeah, in Britain they call them noose or newfews.

Open a book, JPC, you learned something. My life just got 75% better.

He's a bit of a new face, isn't he?

I know. I was the one who insisted you say aunt instead of ant, but I'd like to revise that and say that the ant is an actual insect. My aunt, Elise, wanted me to go to a pub, and then when Aunt Elise came in, they were like, we hate ants. No, get out, insect. You!

Do you know I can crash 70 times my body weight? Do you want to see me do it? I do want to see a scene. She's already drunk! Get her out of here!

I want to see a scene. This is a bar for insects. JPC, you are the bartender. Janet and Erin, you are two patrons entering for the first time.

Hey, what'll it be? I know I'm making eye contact with both of you. It can be confusing, but it's both of you.

There's a lot of bar flies in here. I'll say. Alright, do you want a drink or what?

What's going on?

Can I have some pollen? And, uh, baby, what do you want?

Um, do you have any, like, two-week-old spilled soda? Yeah, ooh, that sounds good. That's just been sitting somewhere under someone's bed for a while?

Alright, alright, alright. Let's see them. Let's see the IDs.

in the show.

I also, I usually keep my ID under my wing. That's correct, I only have one wing.

Oh baby, it looks like maybe we dropped our IDs. Oh brother, guess you're just gonna have to take our word for it.

Look, look, you gotta be four days old to drink at this bar. There is no way the twos of you are four days old.

No way. I've laid 5,000 eggs. You think I'm less than four days old? That's so sweet. That's so sweet.

Whoa, you don't even look like you could have 5,000 eggs.

Hey. Oh, here we go. That's my bug wife. What's for you looking at? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Rubbing hands together like an insect. Ooh, say it one more time now.

What, are you going to barf on me?

One more time. Barf.

Jeff, I'm doing you a favor. I think these are kids. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. Seed.

Seed, seed. Oh, man.

So, JPC, what did you say there at the end? Huh?

They're kids. Didn't I say that at the beginning? Who said that at the beginning? That was your first guess.

Your first guess was that she was a kid?

Yeah.

Oh. I didn't hear that.

Erin, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. GPC, you get one more, one more, the whole episode. Okay, great, great.

Erin, that's right, yeah. Elise is only 10 years old, so sometimes in rare instances your aunt or uncle can actually be younger than you.

I don't even know if that's, it's that rare anymore.

Oh, you said that she brought a kid. You didn't say that the aunt was a kid, right?

I thought I did.

The aunt is a kid.

I thought you said something about her being pregnant.

No, that was what I said after. The very first thing she said was, she's a kid.

I thought you were saying that she brought a kid. I think I said both. The aunt can be a kid, okay.

I don't know though. Yeah.

Says Elisa's only 10 years old. I would probably guesstimate that when Janet played that piggy banker, that was like a 10-year-old kid.

Yeah, that you were expecting to be an adult.

So I think your premonitions are still alive and well.

Okay.

Well, I accept your apology then.

That means you have to call another scene and make another premonition because you're two for two now.

Wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom-wom

Okay, I would like to see a scene. JPC?

Yes?

You are sourdough starter. And Adal, you're getting really into making bread and you're sourdough starters, like starting to be a little bossy and have a mind of its own.

Okay, put in flaxseed, is that right? No. Okay, let's go back to the recipe here. All right. Hang on.

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Come on man, not today, not today.

What are you trying to make?

Please don't start this, please.

I'm just asking questions, man. What are you trying to make?

I'm trying to make cinnamon rolls.

Nah. Sourdough cinnamon rolls? Come on, man, give me a break. I don't want to be that.

Well, it's not up to you. I mean, you still remain you, and then I just pull off little chunks to use.

Isn't it my little chunks? You want access to some of my best chunks? You can start making bread that I like to make. I can give you bad chunks.

I prefer you just stop saying chunks. Yesterday, I got really sick. I think if you could just refer to it as like bits or pieces. The chunks.

That's your words. And I got plenty of dough and I got plenty of sour. And the next chunk you pinch off make dinner rolls. I'm gonna make sure it's all sour.

Do you have like relatives you can stay with or like?

You're my only family, man. You made me.

Okay. Well, I got you from a friend. Do you remember Todd? Remember about three years ago I got you from Todd? He dead to me. Do you talk to him still or can you talk to other pieces or chunks of yourself? Yeah, we talk. Booger?

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah. Todd fucks the dough. I'm gonna have to throw you away.

Scene. No one's gonna call scene.

No one's gonna call scene.

Janet, you don't want to let them live in that? We could have had another 40 minutes of that scene and you're just ending it? Wow.

Is JPC clip Janet saying, scene, no one's gonna call scene? I think we can get some mileage out of that. Yeah, that's definitely, we could use a lot of that.

You guys, really quick. Really, really quick. I'm so sorry. I do hate to get out in front of a riddle and not allow you to say it because I know we're super into riddles now, but... We have to be. That scene reminded me of when I was in college. I had two roommates, my friend Torin, my friend Jen. I've known them both my whole life. Torin was an early adopter into like a lot of kind of like really fun granola-y hippie-dippie stuff because his dad was like very earthy. And when I was in college, I don't know, years ago, Toren announced to us that he was growing something called a kombucha mushroom in a cabinet of our apartment and that it had a lot of healthy, curative qualities. And this is like 10 years before anyone heard of kombucha. And it smelled really, really bad. And I know that comes as a shock. It was just this flibbery, like, I don't know what, I have to create a new word to describe this. It was like in a big metal mixing bowl and the whole top of it was just a rubbery thing that I guess was the mushroom. Yes. And there was a time, there came a time when Jen and I were lightly bickering in the kitchen and Torrin came in and legit said in an earnest way, guys, please don't argue in front of the mushroom. Like it's going to get, it's going to pick up those bad vibes.

Oh boy. I can picture him wearing those shoes with like individual toes.

Oh yeah, I would say he was wearing the closest two, which is Teva's.

Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

Also one of the best human beings ever. If he ever finds out I told the story, he knows it came with in the spirit of absolute love and disgust at what he was doing.

Don't fight in front of the kombucha mushroom.

Does anyone sing to their plants or do anything like that? Because some people are very big on the like, plants pick up on vibes and you know.

I mean, I talk to them when I'm watering them.

Who do you talk about? Do you ask them about their day?

Mostly I'm like, why do I have so many of you? How could I ever? This takes me such a long time. It takes such a long time to go through and carefully water each one of you and test to see if your soil is dry. So I guess I guilt trip like a mom.

I have a lot of plants, and all of my plants are thriving. And whenever people come over, they're like, God, how does your Monstera so big? How are your plants thriving? And I, to fuck with people, I say, oh, I sing to them. I sing to them, and I don't do that, but the plants can hear me say that I do that, so I think my plants and I have the same sense of humor, where they're like, he's fucking with another person, he's fucking with another person. They don't want songs, they want me to fuck with people. So I think that's me and my plants are on the same wavelength.

I just, no one sings to me to nurture me, to make sure I grow. Think of how much I'd be thriving if any of you called me and sang a little tune.

My hairs are growing.

Well, there's a special song for each thing that you need. Oh, your teeth are getting whiter. Guys, stop, it hurts.

Erin, I'm putting a reminder in my task list. We'll see you next time. Why does that not surprise me at all?

It has been since like 2013. I've tried three times.

What do you do if a doctor calls you and wants to leave a message?

They say they end up emailing me being like, your voicemail box was full.

Hi, this call is for Erin Keif. My name is Ryan Johnson. I'm a director. I wanted you for the lead for Brick 2, but I... R-Y-A-N.

Different guy. Don't fall for it.

Don't fall for it. What if I wanna?

Okay, I guess it could be a voice memo. I guess it could be. Erin, if you get a couple of voice memos, and I'm going to try to make them songs that you really enjoy. Okay.

Oh, wait, guys. I'm sorry. I'm getting a phone call. Give me one second. Hello?

Tell as old as time. True as it can be. You said that your mailbox was full. But you're full of shit and you're overdue for an exam.

Alright, love you, call you later, bye. Oh, she hung up. I did, I did. Wow, Janet Varney hung up on me.

Tell everyone. Well, your voicemail box, I'll never know if it was full. I'll never know if it was full. Oh, I'm getting another call.

Hello, this is Erin speaking.

Tale as old as time.

How did you get this number?

You have diabetes, type 2 diabetes. You cannot eat candy.

Alright, love you, call you later, bye. Who was that?

Sounded absolutely beastly. That was incredibly exciting. Some of your plants in JPC's house are dying.

He promised he'd never sing!

Well, okay, I was going to actually do it and now I feel like I fulfilled that obligation, so I feel encouraged.

We'd like to get it done in the moment, then your to-do list is just a little shorter. Adal, I'm so sorry, did you have a riddle?

No, I have a riddle, but would you believe it'll be said after this break?

Wow. Break as old as break.

She's going for scurvy. She's going for speed.

Hey Erin, Adal, lovely. Good to see you guys. I actually really do not even have time right now. I got a jet. I have to, I have to go. I don't have time to kind of small talk or any of that. I'm going to live underwater for a week. What?

Huh. Yeah, we all assumed this was coming, I guess.

I'm just kind of nonstop back to back this entire week, so I'm going to live underwater. It's just going to save me a lot of time because I'll be underwater instead of on land, so I'll be breathing the water instead of the air.

OK, well, there's better ways to sort of save time. I feel like you're like eating a ton, like cooking so much for dinner and going grocery shopping and doing this whole rigmarole. We could cut that out for you. You could use tempo.

Yeah, you gotta use Tempo. Tempo delivers fresh, chef-crafted, dietician-approved meals right to your door, JPC.

Okay, but let me guess. These meals are gonna be sopping wet because I am living in the water. Or that's probably more of a me living in the water issue than a meals issue, right?

No, they're dry and each meal is perfectly proportioned for lunch, dinner, and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast. It's not like a sad desk lunch or drive-thru or stuff that you're throwing together from your sad refrigerator.

Okay, well can it beat the variety that I'm gonna get under the sea because I'll be eating sand, barnacles, mostly just sand and barnacles. Does Tempo have those kinds of options?

Yeah, they got 20 new recipes each week made from nutrient-rich ingredients. Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits so you don't have to eat sand.

And JPC, if I may, some of my recent favorites from Tempo? Italian sausage bolognese cavatappi with peas and zucchini. Your mouth is watering and I've also very much enjoyed their spicy buffalo chicken pasta with roasted cauliflower and sweet potatoes.

That sounds pretty good, but the other day I almost ate a crab. He actually ate more of me than I ate of him. Anyway, for a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to TempoMeals.com slash Riddle. That's TempoMeals.com slash Riddle for 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash Riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply.

But don't take it from us. Take it from Nyfie, the knife who's a chef.

Bonjour. It's too late to introduce Nyfie. That's too late. Maybe next time.

Maybe next time for Nyfie. Ugh, Adal, Erin, I am in the dumps.

Oh, why?

You sad?

What's going on?

No, I was trying to buy a lemon, um, but it turns out I was haggling with this guy trying to buy this lemon. I wanted to, you know, make my water a little more refreshing and eventually I got home with the thing and the guy sold me a bad car.

Oh yeah, lemons can be bad cars. I didn't know that.

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Put the brakes on, sweetie.

Sorry.

Buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at CarGurus.com. Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S.com. CarGurus.com. Honk, honk. Get in, everyone. Honk, honk. We're going to the moon. Hey, smells like lemon.

Hmm, Adal, JPC, you may have noticed my new diamond and emerald necklace. I bought it with the money I saved using rocket money.

Whoa.

Mm-hmm. I realized I was spending like $800 a year on unwanted apps and subscriptions and then turns out I don't need to do that. Rocket Money cancelled them for me.

Okay, Erin, but this... I mean, this necklace looks really expensive.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Okay, I'm seeing a receipt addle in the trash can here.

I don't think Erin wants to see this, but... Grab your hand.

She spent a lot. She spent a lot on this necklace.

The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give a user a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years, way before they were ever a sponsor of Hey Riddle Riddle, and I love how clear their communication is. If there's a big spend on my card, it will let me know right away, and it will also let me know what upcoming bills I have to pay. And I'll even negotiate lower bills for you. What a dream.

And for someone like me who hemorrhages money, Rocket Money can help set budgets and goals, I get personalized insights and regular reports, and I can receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

Yeah, so I'm looking at Erin's Rocket Money right now and she has a goal for a new diamond necklace. Erin, this is too many zeros. Erin, this is too many zeros.

It's like 18 zeros. What's wrong?

Well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle.

I have to be honest with you guys. This is not a real diamond necklace. It's a bunch of bugs I convinced to be in a diamond formation. Still cost $100,000. Pretty good.

Adal, I mean, you know this. Managing a small business is difficult, right?

I mean, it's just... Yeah, I have cat pies, which is my food truck where my cats make pies that I sell. And it's a real... It can be a real headache to have a small business.

Yeah, and I seem to recall that the health inspector refused to issue it a rating because he refused to acknowledge that it was a food restaurant?

Yeah, we've had some, uh, there's been some red tape with, with, uh, the animals serving the food, but we're working on it. We're working on it.

Well, again, managing a small business can be hard. You got to juggle multiple disconnected apps to manage your business finances. You have to be anxious about taxes. You might be behind on your books. You're always chasing receipts and keeping up with client invoices. And sometimes you accidentally hire a construction company to bury one of your hosts into a big pile of sand. Completely unintentional. You meant to do something else. And that could be about any podcast co-host. And yeah, I'm trying not to make this about me. It's not like a cry for attention here. But it's just the reality of owning a small business. But Found has eliminated the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices, and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps. I gotta tell you, this bulldozer company, their app is trash.

Blech. Blech. Well, I know that found makes it easy to regain control of your business finances. So you can get back to doing what you love, which is solving riddles and found helps you find your buried co-hosts.

Yeah, I don't know if it'll exactly do that, but it does identify the tasks that create the most hassle for small businesses. Things like categorizing expenses, preparing for taxes, managing invoices, budgeting, and they build an app that does it all directly from your business checking account. So you have time to vet potential bulldozer companies before you even hire them to bury one of your co-hosts in a big pile of sand. One thing that I love about Found is that it automatically tracks expenses, which means that I don't have to carve out time every week for importing expenses, you know, to go through my purchases, to make sure everything is accounted for. And again, I got purchase orders from all kinds of construction companies with all kinds of bulldozers. Found makes it easy to see which one buried my friend Erin alive in the sand.

Yep, and don't take it from us. Take it from the electromagnetic recording that we took 8 feet underground of Erin saying this. Take back control of your business today. Open a FOUND account for free at found.com. That's F-O-U-N-D dot com. FOUND is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by LeadBank. Member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who have already streamlined their finances with FOUND.

Thanks, Erin.

That was her. That was definitely her.

Yeah, she said that.

Yeah, the electromagnet, that's how you get voices from the ground, is electromagnets. Look it up. We're not lying. Oh, oh, oh, JPC, hello, it's me, Father New Year.

Oh, Father New Year, what big white beard you have, and looks like, looks like maybe was like a white-rimmed red hat that has been hastily painted like a different color?

Oh, does it? That's weird. I've always worn this. Oh, oh, oh. Hey, listen, just so you know, Erin Keif is off in Bermuda with Joshua Jackson. They got married.

Oh, that's good. Good for him. Good for him bouncing back. I know he's kind of had a tumultuous time. Uh-huh. Not to say anything of what Erin's had. But let me... Hey, Santa. Hey. Oh, I'm sorry. Not Santa. Father New Year or whatever? Father New Year! Lean in here. Look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're obviously Santa with painted clothes, but... Oh, yeah. If you want to get new clothes, why don't you just shop at Quint's?

Oh, JPC brings down my big blue New Year's bag of gifts. I love quints. I give it to all the boys and girls. You know, as a fashionista, my outerwear needs to be especially impressive. So I buy down jackets, wool coats, Italian leather outerwear to keep me warm when it's actually cold. You know, that's the kind of stuff I buy for myself and gift to people around the world.

Yeah, see, I mean, I love quints because each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Plus, by cutting out middlemen and traditional markups, quints delivers the same quality as luxury brands at a fraction of the price. But Santa, it seems like you're giving all this quints away, but no one's, no one's kind of giving quints to you. And maybe this getup that you're wearing, that's you like asking for someone to maybe You know what, Santa? I mean, not Santa. Whatever your name is, it doesn't matter. Here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to take off this cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I absolutely love this thing. It is so warm. It is so comfortable. And Santa, or whatever, I'm going to give this to you as a New Year's gift.

Oh, now the curse is lifted and now you are Father New Year, aka Santa.

Thank you. Oh, this is comfortable as heck. Thank you.

Oh, good. Honestly, I wanted this. I thought I was going to have to Tim Allen you.

Oh, and oh, my normal voice is coming back. Oh, man. Hey, my name is Roger. I'm from Oklahoma. In 1972, I fell down a chimney. I don't want to. Quince is amazing. Thank you, Quince, for turning me back into my normal self.

Wait, is my voice going to change? Oh man, I'm getting Tim Allen. Anyway, refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too, that's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle, free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com slash riddle.

Oh, and I lied. Erin is buried alive. Hey Riddle Riddle And we're back. Erin, it sounded like you had a few doctors call you with a few maladies. Are you OK?

You know, probably better off than I was before. Yeah. I think the more stuff that gets added to my plate, it can only improve.

Sure. Amen. And I do think having doctors seeing you, your diagnosis, I think is soothing. Helps soften the blow, right?

Totally. Like, it's when you're a kid when you are like, my throat hurts. I hope when I go to the doctor I have strep so I don't feel crazy. That's sort of what's happening to me.

Hey little thing, you can't have a children's ode, don't even try now.

Okay, love that you picked one of the hardest ones to do.

I don't think this is too gross, but over the holiday break when we were not recording, I think I told you guys last year, no, no, no, in 2024, it's like the end of 2024, I had like a knee surgery because I had like a bone growth that I had to like get chipped off of my knee.

You get like injections, right, to your knee?

You said knee surgery, not niece surgery, right?

My aunt got rid of me. Yes, it was a very minor knee surgery, but I couldn't walk for a week while I was recovering because they have to open you up and chip some bone off of your knee. But it was this little piece of bone that had been sticking out of my knee for 20 years, and it finally started hurting, and so I had to get it removed. Whatever. So over Christmas break, I saw another one on my wrist that just showed up, and I was like, oh no, there's a little bump on my wrist. So I made a doctor's appointment or whatever, went to the doctor. And they were like, good news is it's not, they took x-rays, they're like, it's not the same thing as what happened on your knee. It's a ganglion cyst, I think is what they call it. It's like, basically, if like your, sometimes it happens with like wrist injury where your, you know, your, your wrist can like release fluid into your wrist and like forms like a little cyst. But they were like, I was like, what can they do? And they're like, well, we can like pop it. And I was like, oh yeah. I was like, that's cool. I could watch you pop it. And they were like, yeah, we could do that just to see if cyst fluid drains out, then it's fine. And it's just a thing that might happen. It might come back. It might not. So I was so excited, because it was pretty big. And I was so excited to see them pop it. But then the doctor, they took the needle, and they popped it. And a little bit of fluid came out. But then the rest of it just went into my wrist.

They were like, yeah, just like... Here's what happened. Here's what happened. JPC, there's a long tale to that. And JPC started by saying, I don't think this is too gross. And he started talking about his little chip off the old bone. And we were like, oh, a bone, that's dry. Yeah, that's fine. You can talk about that. And then you slowly worked your way into a super gross story.

Now, Erin.

You can't do that to people.

Now, Janet brings up a point that this was pretty gross. And Erin, I want to ask you, are you comfortable if I name this episode Wrist Cyst?

No. Please, Adal, no. Janet, do you think that's too gross? If I may give you some advice. Please. Resist Wrist Cyst.

Resist Wrist Cyst.

Yes.

Revisit, resist, wrist cyst.

I insist you resist wrist cyst. The systematic nature of wrist cyst.

No, you don't get to play. You don't get to have fun. You told a gross story. No.

The three of us get to have fun. Not you. I wanted it to be a gross story. Nothing. There was nothing gross about it. Like it was a little bit of blood. That was all that was. This is anticlimactic.

You make me mad. You make me sad. You make me queasy.

Clip that, please clip that. Here's our next riddle. Speaking of being grossed out, a woman watched her husband plunge headfirst down a deep ravine. She returned home... Oh, he's going down on her. Yeah, that's it.

Pause, pause, pause. Yeah, that's why I said it's gross. Let's just be honest, we were 69ing.

A woman watched her husband plunge headfirst down a deep ravine. She returned home to find him in the kitchen chopping onions. How is this possible?

They were at a water park and then they went home and he made tacos.

They live at the bottom of the ravine.

Cliff diving?

Ooh, I like that. Yeah. Like it enough for it to be the answer?

Yeah, close but no cigar. These are all great guesses.

Oh, is the woman Miss Frizzle and he got magic school bust? I'll take my answer off air.

I'll take my offer inside your body. Hmm.

Head first down a deep ravine obviously is not literal. There's something going on with head first down a deep ravine.

In this case, this is one of the rare instances where this is literal, but there's something more to what's going on.

Does the, wait, does what he's chopping matter?

Good question. No, he could, let's say he's chopping broccoli.

Well, I don't know, because it was like he's chopping a head of lettuce or something. I mean, I would hate that.

Is he like an actor in a movie? JBC, you are blazingly hot. You are Mountain Dew Baja Scald.

He is a stuntman. He is a stuntman.

Erin, ding, ding, ding. Her husband was a stuntman, and she had been watching him at work.

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you are a stuntman, and we are your family. We're trying to have a family dinner, and you clearly got so hurt at work that day, but you're trying to play it cool.

Dad, can you quickly just pass me the lettuce really quick?

Actually, Dad's just going to sit in the old Barca lounger.

Welcome back to Riddle

You know what?

Not that you're not a real dad. I know you have kids too. Some people pray on the floor. I actually am gonna get on the floor and pray.

That's actually how Jesus did it. It is.

Please help our dad and heal him from all the stuff he does, but still make him a fun dad around the house because he likes to do little stunts around the house and stuff. Amen.

And may I add, please let my husband know the time in his heart when it's time to retire, when his body can't take it anymore.

No more passive-aggressive prayers. Mom, I'm on the prayer.

Get off the prayer. It's a quick P.S. Please let my dad know when he should pass me the lettuce.

Hey guys. First of all, I would think that this was all fine if you guys didn't liar liar me one week ago, and that was one of the worst days of my life.

You beat the shit out of yourself in the bathroom.

That was for a movie.

You set your own pants on fire. We watched you set them ablaze. Dad, that was not us.

Look, Jim Carrey said, I'm gonna beat the shit out of myself, but I don't want to get hurt, so let's have my stunt person do it, which absolutely sucked, but But that's work, guys. I leave work at work, okay? Home is for home. Let's just be a family. Hey, why don't we play a game, okay? Dinner was fun. Why don't we all play a game? Who can find Dad a pillow that's so comfortable that he won't mind sleeping on the floor tonight?

Ooh, I can. Great!

Thank you, Rick.

Rick is the only one in this family. While I look around the room for that pillow, can you tell the story of how when you stood in for Jim Carrey, you broke your left hand, and then Jim Carrey, during the break, said, you're all righty now?

Well, you pretty much just told the story, Rick. That is the story. Punchline it all.

You're wearing your blood red shirt, which you normally used to wear to cover up wounds that are actively bleeding. That's a coincidence, right?

I was in such a hurry to get home, they left a bunch of squibs on me, and so I knew that those squibs would be going off at various points tonight, and that's why I didn't change out of the shirt.

Do a cartwheel.

And that's why if you see any blood on the floor, that's squib blood.

Do a cartwheel. Yeah, do a cartwheel. Or we're getting a divorce. Just a quick cartwheel, Dad. No big deal. Do a cartwheel or you're moving out tonight. Cartwheel, Dad. Cartwheel, Dad. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Cartwheel, Dad. Hold on! Cartwheel, Dad.

I have never been able to do a cartwheel.

Classic champ. Divorce!

Well, hold on, let that be your mother's decision.

You guys are divorced now.

My mother's decision?

Kids don't get to say divorce. I yelled divorce. I know, kids don't get to say divorce.

I yelled it though. I'm not the kid, I'm your wife. I've been your wife this whole scene.

Oh boy.

A scene. What are you talking about? Head injury. He's crazy.

Can you imagine being at Christmas dinner and your mom says, I've been your wife this whole scene?

What do you do? Where do you go from there?

What do you do this whole Christmas dinner? Do you try and wake up? What do you do when you kind of want to call out in a scene that I think it's all righty then and not all righty now, and then you realize that's not the point? Adal misquoting Jim Carrey in a pun. It's not the point of the scene. Shut up, Janet.

All righty then.

Jim Carrey has a lot of those like very quotable lines. Are quotable lines, like have they gone the way of the dodo?

Are we not doing those? You tell me, GBC, what's the big, tell me the big quote from Avatar.

Is it probably like, I'm spider and I need to piss?

Can it be monkey boy?

They probably say that more than anything else in the movie actually.

I cannot believe Sigourney Weaver plays a child. I cannot handle it in my bones you guys.

The last line of Avatar 2 is, no shit. That's really the last line. The last line that you hear in Avatar 2 is Spider going, no shit! Because they're like, you're part of the people now. It might be oh shit, but he definitely says shit and that's the last line of Avatar.

Erin, real quick, I'm going to read another riddle, but we can edit this out. Erin, so you don't want any roles for women over 60 in Hollywood, is that? If Sigourney Weaver is going to play a 13-year-old, do you think?

If that will prevent Sigourney Weaver from playing another child, then sure.

And she shouldn't play her own mom in the movie as well, in human form?

They say that there's no roles for women over 50, but they're just like, after 50, now you have to be a child. You just have to like, you have to circle back.

Circle of life. It loops back around.

Beverly D'Angelo is a problem child. Okay, here's another riddle. Yes. I can stick a pin in a balloon without making a noise or releasing any air. How? You're in space. Water balloon.

Don't you hear you scream?

Uh, no and no.

I like water balloon. Um, do we know that it's like a real balloon? Could it just be like a thought bubble? You know, like don't they call it a balloon in a cartoon that it's like a balloon of Tylek? Now, I don't know how you stick a pin in that either, so goodbye.

Oh, Janet slammed the door. She's getting in a pneumatic tube and she's getting whisked away.

Is it like a hot air balloon that already has like a big opening in it so when you stick a pin in it's not doing anything? Like you're sticking the opening of the balloon?

Great guess, but that is incorrect. Here's what I'll say is that there's actually another answer other than the one listed here and other than hot air balloon. If you put a piece of tape, if you Blow up a balloon, tie it, put a piece of tape on a balloon, and take a needle and put it through the piece of tape. The balloon will not pop and it will not lose air. Whoa. So that's a little science experiment to try.

Wait, what?

If you take a blown up balloon, put a piece of scotch tape on it.

Hold on.

And wear the... It's clearly a condom, but I don't want to tell her.

But if you take the needle out, it will deflate.

I don't think so.

Well, there's a hole in it with the tape though.

I think the tape does some damage control. I used to do this as a kid and you can, I used to do it with like, there's like a little magic kit I had where you could put a pin in a balloon, but it had a piece of tape that the audience couldn't see.

How much did you pay for that? The kit was a balloon, a pin, and a piece of tape, and it was $75. I want to say $38,000. Okay, well.

Why didn't they make the whole balloon out of the tape? If you tie the balloon off and you'd use the part of the balloon that isn't full of air, you can push a pin through it and nothing will happen. It's just the bottom of the balloon thing.

Janet, you are getting very warm. How is that not the answer? I can stick a pin in a balloon without making a noise or releasing any air. How?

What's that little dangle at the bottom of a balloon called? That's called the balloon nut. Yeah, the balloon hole. The butthole.

The butthole.

The butthole.

He said it, not me. The butthole.

The whatchacallit cyst. Oh my God, is your butthole not supposed to be freezing?

Erin.

Dear God, give me the strength to navigate this. To what? To quit this podcast. To what?

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from Riddle.

Erin, to what?

Now, you may not believe it to hear it, I got my mind blown.

Your God is not here, Erin. He's never been here.

There's only Zool.

Erin, Janet, JPC.

I can stick a pin in a balloon without making a noise or releasing any air. How? Now, Janet, you said the little dangle piece, the little butthole, if you put a needle through that, it meets all these requirements. And you're absolutely right. But for the full, complete answer, What's, what's?

Oh, the balloon's not blown up.

Erin, the balloon isn't inflated.

The balloon could be inflated. The balloon could be inflated. The balloon could be inflated. It could be. Take her away. It could be. I say it could be. What's this jacket? Why can't I move my arms?

I do what it says. See it?

Why are you putting that thing on my mouth? Why is there a cage over my face? Why are you rolling me away?

I'd like to see a scene. Erin, you are a children's birthday party magician, and some of your act involves like balloons and within tricks and everything. JBC and Janet, you are two kids watching the magician, and you notice that she seems to be sweating profusely while trying to kind of get through her act here.

I paid this magician $38,000 to be here, so be respectful.

Alright everybody, I'm the great Amanda. Take a sip from the flask. I'm going to make my wedding ring disappear. Now we wait. Now we wait. What are we waiting for? You already made it disappear. For it to come back out. What? I hear we have a birthday in the house. Are you a birthday boy?

Are you a birthday boy, Jared? Jared?

Yeah, it's technically my birthday, but I don't need any special attention.

Jared, if it's your birthday, I'm gonna give you a hot tip. Don't put any of your money in Bitcoin. Don't put any of your money in Bitcoin. Keep it in Venmo. Put all your money in Venmo. It'll occur, it will get interest in Venmo. Put all your money on your Venmo account.

We cut to six months earlier. Go ahead and have a seat. Amazing Amanda.

This must be good news.

Let me use your terminology. Would you like to see a trick?

Uh, sure. Would you like to see a trick?

Would you like to see your crypto investments disappear?

Job comes out of my purse. Wait, what did you say?

I said, fuck. Do you want to see your crypto investments disappear?

Larry, are you fucking kidding me?

The bottom fell out.

You're my best friend from childhood. You said you got this.

I trusted Jimmy Fallon, okay? He said on air NFTs and Bitcoin were a solid investment.

I gave you $14 million, man.

Okay, well, it's gone.

Starts choking you across the table, kills you.

Back to the party.

You kids ever kill a man? Is this gonna be a trick? And then you bring his body to the river, but you don't have the upper body strength to lift him up and put him over the bridge, so you just leave him on the bridge. Is this a riddle? No, kid. No. Now who wants to get me a piece of that cake that's on the table over there? I want the H from the happy birthday.

I want the H. You were told repeatedly that cake is for party guests only.

And aren't I a guest? Do I live here, bitch?

No, I don't think so. I'm a guest in your home. Give me the cake, kid. Something about putting that ring in your mouth made your words slur. I used to have a rabbit.

It's not the ring in my mouth, kid. It's the thing in my flask. I used to have a rabbit that I would pull out of hats.

And guess what?

You didn't take care of it?

Don't, don't answer. Don't, don't tell us. You don't wanna know? I'd rather not. All right.

Seed. Is no one going to call Seed? I picture there's like a pizza van across the street that's a sting operation. And after Erin says, leave a body on the bridge, they're like, just let her have this. Let her finish the show.

They just drive away. They're like, her life is punishment enough.

Punishment enough. Absolutely. I like the suspense of the long pause after Erin said, doves come out of my...

Yes, I didn't know what I was going to say.

That was my balloon knot, let's say. My kind old aunt collects buttons.

That's an insect. A genuine anteater, the pet man told my dad. Turns out it was an anteater. And now my uncle's mad. Shel Silverstein.

Okay, Shel Silverstein's in the house.

Roald Dahl, probably. Roald Dahl, I guess.

My kind old aunt collects buttons. But even in an emergency, she wouldn't let you sew any of them onto a garment. Why not?

It's a button for a nuclear war.

Janet, you pretty much got it. We're going to go ahead and give that to you. She collects buttons from old radios, televisions, and elevators. OK, weird.

I want to see a scene. So this is going to be like a big, important dinner. Let's call it a business dinner. Adal, you have to give a presentation at this dinner. Erin's your co-worker, and Janet is going to be your boss, I guess. But you ate too much, and you popped the button on your pants, and you are trying to get Erin to give you one of her emergency buttons.

Um, so I think in Q4 for my pants, I need a button. Uh, Stacy, my button.

Oh, talking to the mic.

You know, that ding that everybody thought was me toasting. That was my button flying across the. You know that ding that everybody thought was me clinking a glass for a toast? That was my pants button flew off. Um... You're fired. No, no, no, it's not sexual. It's... It's not sexual. It's... I'm so full.

It's... My bad. You are rehired.

Oh, phew.

Everyone here at this dinner assumed it was sexual. When a button flies off of pants, we assume there's only one thing that could do that.

Yeah, your boner did it.

Well, yeah, sexual desire.

I said boner, though. You're agreeing with me.

Yeah, but it's a work dinner. I'm not gonna say I don't have a boner, but... So?

He's the one that got a boner at the work dinner.

Ma'am, you don't work for me, you are still fired.

Okay, here's a long one.

Dave looked under a table and saw a hand completely detached from an arm. He looked over at Alan, and although his fingers and thumbs were in place and his hands were attached to his arms, he knew the hand beneath the table must be his.

He stood up and punched him.

Why? It is not clock hands, but you are... Yeah, we started doubting that when you said he stood up and punched him.

Yeah, I realized how intense they come.

You have a watch, piece of shit.

No one wears these anymore.

Is this one of those devices that you can wear when you're at like a dinner, that it makes it look like both of your hands are on the table, but secretly one hand is under the table giving someone a handjob? I can't remember what the type, what the name of the device is. Remind me of the website that you buy those on. Oh, it's plainbrownboxdelivery.com. They get you anything that you want delivered in a plain brown box with no marking on it.

Do they have a fake hand that gives the handjob so I can keep both my hands on the table? Is that also a device? No, the real hand gives the handjob. Wow.

Doesn't want to put in the work. Interesting. It shows what Miss Hollywood's price point is because some of us can't afford the auto hand.

Oh, I use a stuntwoman for all my handjobs.

You're missing out.

Am I?

No.

Dave looked under a table and saw a hand completely detached from an arm. He looked over at Alan, and although his fingers and thumbs were in place and his hands were attached to his arms, he knew the hand beneath the table must be his. He stood up and punched him. Why? This is weird. So we talked about hands on a clock, which is absolutely the right train of thought, but you just have to think about what other types of hands this could be. Hands on a hard body that would be at a table would be hidden or secretive.

Yes, I love that, Aaron.

And why someone when discovering it would punch someone.

Okay, so this is a hand of cards. The guy's cheating.

He's got a handful of cards under the table.

JPC dead on. They were playing cards. The extra hand was a set of duplicate cards proving that Alan was cheating. I do want to see this.

Oh, okay.

Oh, please, Erin, please.

Yeah, is it okay?

Yeah.

Okay. I'd like to see a scene. Um, JPC you are at a poker table and you are cheating and you realize that you might be like about to be caught and how strong Adal is and you kind of regret you're kind of scared that he might hit you or retaliate Whoa, so then I tackled Schwarzenegger and I said say it again Yeah, did he um

Jesus, did he say it again, or? Uh, no, he didn't. He looked pretty scared. Then I flipped over his car just so he couldn't drive home. Oh. God, um... Oh, you're kind of far away. Let me grab the table. Pull you towards me!

Yeah, let's get in there. Let's get in there. Um... Well, whose fold was it? Was it my fold?

Fold. I, uh... Was the fold up to me? Oh, you were raising right before the story. You know what?

Excuse me, sir. I'm so sorry. The coat room is closing. You're free to continue your game. I do need to return your brass knuckles if I could just slip those onto your hand. Oh, sure. These old things.

Thank you. You just... You just checked brass knuckles? That's what you wore for a coat?

Yeah, just to keep my knuckles warm, cuz... Yikes, yikes.

Uh-oh.

Oh, speaking of keep my knuckles warm, I have to go finish Sonic 3. Oh!

So... So do I. Should we go to your place, or... Should we go to my place? I have my memory card on me. Hey, you ever seen a man's skull get caved in? It looks like it hurts.

Sir, I am from the Guinness Book of World Records. We want to let you know that you won again. You are the strongest fighter in the world. Congratulations. Here's your plaque.

Oh, I bent it.

Ah, classic. We love you, man. We really love you over at Guinness Book of World Records.

Ah, shucks. Thank you. Oh, here. Give me that copy, the hardbound, and let me just rip it in half. Yeah, right in half.

Hey, you know what? Hey, excuse me, Guinness person, is there a cash reward for the strongest man in the world or whatever?

Oh, yeah. We already wired that to him, so.

Okay, great. Great.

I'm sorry, I was saying something fell out of your pants when you stood up.

Let me... Yeah, it's fake dog shit. It's hard to bend down with all those abs. Don't worry about it. It's fake dog shit. I just do it because of... No, it's flat. You don't want to touch that. What?

Yeah, well... It's not flat dog shit.

What the fuck? Dog shit can be in different kind of varietals. Oh my... What the fuck?

What the fuck? Oh my... You've been feeding your dog cards? We've been feeding your dog playing cards. Wait a second. You're cheating?

Wait, what? Hey, is there anyone here that's gonna stand for this, huh?

Yeah, he's really scary.

We're gonna let him do whatever he wants. That guy could give... I mean, he has brass knuckles on.

Okay, people, just because someone's big and scary, we let them do whatever they want? He should get away with cheating just because he's big and scary?

Yep. I mean, kinda.

You know what? I live by a moral and ethical code. I'm gonna do what Jim Carrey once did in Liar Liar, and I'm gonna kick my own ass.

Oh wow. He's doing it.

Can this go in the book? Can this go in the book?

Anything can go in the book. We love you, man. I'm telling you.

We love you, man. Anything can go in the book. You're keeping the doors open. Turn the lights on. We love you, man.

Anyway, I didn't expect a guy at a poker game to be like, excuse me, sir, you've won an award.

In the middle of a hand. Janet, you've won an award, which is the Tell Us About Anything You Have to Plug and Promote Award. Sorry, Janet, it's a bullshit award.

We give this to one guest a week.

In some weeks, no guests at all.

I would advise people to go to SFSketchFest.com if you're listening to this before February 1st. If after February 1st, go to Anthropologie.com and buy yourself or somebody you care about something nice. They have real good sales usually early in the year. If you want like a trinket that looks like a dog or like a napkin with like an embroidered dog on it. A little candle with an embroidered dog. A candle that has embroidered dogs on it.

A plate with a lemon and a dog on the lemon.

Hey, to piggyback off that though, this is also the best time of year to buy a Christmas tree. So do not forget, if you need a new fake Christmas tree, I bought mine like four days after Christmas because I was like, we need a bigger Christmas tree in this house. And I got it for like 50% off. So it's like if you want a great deal on a Christmas tree, do not sleep on that.

Ooh, Erin, anything to plug her promote?

Check out Quality Time on Instagram. It's my monthly variety show, and it's a true variety. We have lots of fun guests, and I love it very much and would love to see you there. Adal, anything to plug or promote?

Yes, I want to plug and promote the other podcast I do, Hello from the Magic Tavern, also Gum Shoes and Dragons, and the Word Association. JPC, anything to plug or promote?

I know you can still follow us on Patreon there if you want to see any of the or want to listen to any of the live shows that we did in 2025. Those are all for sale on Patreon under our collections tab. So you can get I think 24 bucks gets you all 15 of them, which is pretty good deal. And I do want to read a review because it's been a while since I've read a review. If you want to get one featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere that you read reviews. This one's fun. I'm going to follow up with Adal and Erin afterwards, but this one's titled Crazy Good from HouseMDMDHouse1235, which is HouseMDMDHouse, great name. But this review is crazy good. Just got to the AMA episode, and I got to say, I can't get enough of this show. Do you guys remember that we did an AMA episode? Absolutely not.

What are you talking about?

I don't know.

We did?

Yeah, we did.

On the Patreon or the main feed?

I don't remember where it came out, but I definitely remember that we did it. It seems like a Patreon thing, but I think it was like if we got a certain number of reviews or something, we did an AMA episode.

Interesting. Huh? I'll have to go back and listen. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Well, hot dogs. No, stupider. Hot dogs. There you go. Hey Riddle Riddle.

I forgot, Hot Dogs is for the... is for this, right?

It's for the main feed. We say Hot Dogs?

I think it's Patreon.

It's Patreon, right? Okay. Cut that Hot Dogs in, Casey.

Hey there live frees and dies, if you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of our state series with the state of New Hampshire. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.

Hi, I'm Drew Ofualo. And I'm Dayson Ofualo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgie you had once, or even a show you're loving, and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.