Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

It's beginning to look a lot like part two of the best of show. We did this last week. We did this last week and we're doing it again.

We're doing the same thing again.

Did you guys have a favorite Christmas song?

Oh Holy Night.

Really, it's a slow one.

I love a holy night. Every rendition, Celine Dion, Nat King Cole. I also love the... Well, it's not Christmas anymore now that this Part 2 is out, but I do like the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album.

I like Shakin' Stevens' Merry Christmas Everyone, which is a divisive Christmas song, I'll say. I've had people get mad at me that that's one of my favorite Christmas songs. I also enjoy Christmastime in Hollis by Run DMC. I feel like it's just a really delightful Christmas song.

I know people are going to jump down my throat for this, but my favorite Christmas song is Merry Christmas by the Hans Gruber Band. It's a Christmas song. It's a song that takes place at Christmas. It's a Christmas song. It's on the CD with Nakatomi Plaza Rock.

Nakatomi not to come?

Here's part two of the best of. The first big chunk of the episode is from our main feed and then there's some stuff at the end that's from our Patreon because that's fun too and we like to have fun no matter where we go and if you're interested in having a free week of our Patreon If you are running out of things to do this time of year, the link will be in our bio for that. If you want to give us a shot, it would mean a lot.

And we do have to give the biggest gift of all, which is a big thank you to Erin Keif for putting these together.

Oh, thanks, Adal. I'm my least favorite comedian. I can't stand the sound of my own voice. But I do think you guys are still funny, and that's a great sign.

Just as an example of some of the stuff that we love to put in the Patreon, it's things like... Last night I called myself the dumbest bitch in school.

You know?

I think you still got it. Yeah. And then things like... Fisting a horse, of course. So, you know, obviously join the Patreon and get some of these classic bits that you won't find anywhere else.

I do call myself dumb a lot. This past weekend, anytime I did something even remotely impressive, I went, not bad for a dumb girl. So I don't know. I think maybe I need to be gentler with myself. Yes.

Can you change dumb to a different adjective that also describes you but is not as negative? So the next time you want to like be self-deprecating, can you say tall? Like, can you say tall girl? Stupid. Well, hold on. Lateral move.

Idiot girl.

Okay.

Don't hit it.

And obviously, before we get into this and end this intro, Erin, let's go ahead and press the button where JPC says something crazy.

Okay. And press.

Absolutely wasn't right.

Ooh, mommy horny. Yuck. Is it something that was the first one that I saw in a panic and it kind of worked out? No, the one that I use all the time is, okay, slay mama. And that's just one that I now, it's part of my vernacular. I'll say slay mama all the time at home. I love that.

Mama corny, mama, a lot of mom and mommy.

Hey, a lot of mom and mommy stuff with me and what's some stuff with you? And isn't that the reason for the season? Maybe you're at home, you have some quiet time for recollection and kind of think about what kind of makes you tick and take that into 2026 with you.

Yeah, maybe be gentle with yourself. Maybe take it easy. You know what? I think that New Year's resolutions are best started in February.

Okay. And that is great advice from the tallest idiot I know.

Aww.

Oh shit, Erin, Adal. This is crazy. I just got a letter in the mail that says that we're eligible for a podcast award?

You have been nominated for Best Podcast at the UN War Crimes Tribunal.

Whoa, finally!

Who are we up against?

Whoa, it's written in blood! Cool!

Oh, it says we're up against the wall, motherfucker? Does that make sense?

Oh, Pink Floyd? I guess. They must have started a podcast.

I know David Gilmour.

Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Okay, well, let's just skip to the part about the prize. Okay, now this is fun.

What's it say?

A public, so I don't know how big that means, but public, that's pretty cool for us, execution. Are you sure it's not a pubic execution? You know what, I'm reading it now, and no it is not.

Pubic Exhibition, I think it says.

Okay, you're jumping ahead Erin, I got it. That's the next piece of mail.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, that one's done though, that's cool, I'll apply for that. Or it says it's mandatory anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Well this is, all good, all news is good news.

All news is good news. All news is good news. Erin put her head in her hand as soon as she said all news is good news to the notice that we got mail for a, what was it Erin, a pubic inspection?

Something like that. Anyways, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. That's Adal over there. Wave hello Adal. Hello. He's on that side of the fence and JPC is over there on his side of the fence.

On my side of the fence and that's Erin and she's riding the middle. Centrist, baby. No opinions one way or the other.

Or if you're, what's her name? I almost said Bobbitt, but that's a different person. There's a woman who went to Beetlejuice and got real handsy.

Oh, Lauren Boebert.

Boebert. Yeah.

Good for her. Live life as a hypocrite. That's the way to go.

Live moss. Live moss. Absolutely live moss.

Get and give hand stuff at Beetlejuice the Musical Tour. That's what I always say. Give and receive hand stuff.

Please put that on like a 2B wooden sign and sell it at like a Marshalls or HomeGoods.

You don't have to ask me twice.

Erin, Adal, you are chaperones at Vampire Prom, and you're trying to keep the vampires from doing anything untoward at Vampire Prom.

Yeah, Michael. Michael's my boy.

Oh, well, he's very sweet. Thank you. Unlike my boy who turned into a bat. I don't know where he went.

I mean, that's, I feel like, you know, the minute they sort of suss out that ability, it's just morning, noon, and night. Bat, bat, bat, bat, bat.

It's disgusting. I can hear him turning into a bat at all hours. It's disgusting.

I've had to do so much laundry because my Michael keeps turning into a bat and then pooping into his sock. It's a lot of guano in his sock.

Hey! Two feet apart. No necks. No necks.

And no, let's not put any booze in the blood, okay? Cause that'll, I mean...

I think I'm not the one organizing these dances. I'll admit I'm not showing up to these PTA meetings, but should we have had this be a mixer with the local school for children with too much blood? I know, and I know I'm not an expert on these things.

Yeah, and I gotta say it feels like, and I don't This isn't an accusation. No, yeah. It feels like they're mocking us. That school feels like they're mocking us, because they are the Fighting Too Much Bloods. Their mascot is someone fit to burst. It's almost like a Willy Wonka Roald Dahl situation of like, who was the girl that filled up with all that blueberry juice?

Veruca Salt. No, no, no, no. Violet Borgard.

That's right. That's right. So it does feel like the school is mocking us but probably. I mean it's like there.

I mean like obviously we are trying to encourage our kid but like they're setting us up for failure here.

Yes. Michael has been biting Capri Suns. He's been biting Squeezits just to get in the habit. But I feel like he needs his first kill or he's going to go crazy.

Hey.

Hey. You have to be invited in. You can't just walk in. You have to be invited in.

You can't just walk in. Do you go here? You're like 20. You're like 20 years old. I mean, sorry, you're like 2000. 20 vampire years is 2000.

Blah.

Scene.

Oh, I said scene. I said scene, but I said it in vampire, which is just blah.

Oh.

Erin, you are going to be a process server serving Adal with divorce papers, but Adal, you are going to be doing anything you can to get rid of the papers so that no one can prove that you were served.

And you've been served. I'm so sorry to do it like this. You thought we were on a date.

That's quite all right. I'm having a lovely time. Hey, pick a card, any card.

Oh, I really don't want to indulge in this because I'm at work.

Okay, put it back in the deck.

Okay.

Now check your upper left coat pocket.

It's not going to be in there.

Are those the divorce papers?

No, it's the two of diamonds. That's my card. It's impressive that you did that.

Check your other coat pocket.

Okay, you're getting up to leave and to run away from the divorce papers. No, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, oh, oh, I tripped. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hey, you've been served. Here are the papers.

That's a joke, Lake. Throws down a banana peel.

Hey, hey, hey! You've been served. You've been served. Hey, I know it stinks. I know it stinks. But you've been served. Wait, what is in my pocket? Are these the divorce papers? Mm-hmm.

Froze a red turtle shell behind me.

Get hit by a red turtle shell. No, you do. Oh, fuck.

See?

Adal, you are an astronaut in space, and you are checking in with Houston. And JPC, you're the guy at the computer, and you are clearly drunk. And so, Adal, you're getting a little nervous.

Houston, this is Calypso 48. We are orbiting Venus. We're seeing some anomalies.

Roger, roger. Looks all right.

Sorry, you're breaking up. Can you repeat that?

No. No. Oh. Yeah, we shouldn't. I'm looking at the... So I'm looking at my screen and everything looks to be a mad normal, so shoot for the moon.

Houston, I can see you. Your eyes are closed. You got one of those airplane pillows on your neck.

I'm on the screen. There's probably a delay for Venus, so you can see me from when I was sleeping last night, but tomorrow night is a new night. I'm wide awake.

Uh, Houston, again, I think we're having some audio issues. It sounds like you're doing some sort of slant poetry or something.

You're slurring, you're... So, this evening at my station, Jeff said I have to go to the bathroom, cover me for five minutes. So, I'm covering for Jeff.

But, I'm looking at the... Are you talking to the astronauts on the phone? I hope not. I hope not, because... Tell them they're handsome. What? Tell them they're handsome. I can't say that. Please, tell them they're handsome. Tell them. Clemson 44, are you handsome?

Who?

Was that for a different craft?

This is Calypso 48. Oh no, our landing gear just came out. We are being thrown off. Oh no, we're being thrown off course.

Oh, we're going towards the sun.

Please tell my wife I love her. Tell Tommy that he's going to be a big... Oh no, you talk. Go ahead.

Tell the commies my wife taught... Tell the commies my wife taught what?

Tell the mummy-cummies... Tell the mummy-cummies what? Speak! Speak! Tell the mummy-cummies what?

Speak to us!

Please don't tell my wife mummy-cummies. Please. Please.

No.

My wife... Tell my wife I love her. Tell my kids.

Please. Don't. Oh, please.

Is this recording? Does this get recorded?

Oh, you want to sing? Please sing a song to the people.

Please don't tell my wife mummy cummies.

We are the world. We are the people. The mummy cummies in the tummy. Okay. Clips are for the new. I'm trying to track you in the location. Seems to be closer to the sun. Hello. So rude. Rude.

That's ridiculous. Do you think we should go back to Chuck E. Cheese's?

I too much think to go to Chuck E. Cheese's with me at a nice time.

I got the keys.

And I got a little kid puppet because I won't let you in without a puppet as a kid. Three days later.

Did my husband have any last words?

He did.

Sorry, we didn't know how to fold the American flag. We did our best.

We bunched it up in a ball.

We bunched it up in a ball. And that's not an American flag, but it's a Pride flag.

Happy Pride. He said, Mommy, come blow up in space.

Still drunk on a bender, on a Chuck E. Cheese bender.

I mean, it's the summer. What, I'm not going to go to Chuck E. Cheese Bender? JPC, you are J.P. Riddles and you're building a new home and Adal is your contractor and you're telling him some of the specific stuff you're looking to have in your home.

Alright, legally, in the state of Massachusetts, I am barred from entering through the door of a home. So, all I'm asking is that all the windows are doors and all the doors are windows. Does that make sense? Because what you've done is build a standard home. Yes, I... But I can't enter through the door, I have to enter through the windows. If the doors are windows and the windows are doors, then I can enter the home.

Okay, um, I'm just, I'm trying to follow Massachusetts sort of protocol.

Throw that out. Let's talk brass tacks. How's my rabbit oven coming? Throw it out the door or the window? It doesn't matter, it just can't be near me, man. How's the rabbit oven coming?

And I've told you a million times, any oven's a rabbit oven if you put a rabbit in it.

Ah, no! It is not an oven to cook a rabbit. It is an oven that can be operated by a rabbit, so it has to be very small and very close to the floor, because they don't go up on counters.

Okay.

I'll tell you a million times, my chef is a rabbit.

Okay.

My chef is a rabbit. My chef is a rabbit.

Okay if we go further into, I trust you, if we go further into the home you see I've replaced all the stairs with poles.

Oh good, okay, and some of these are trick poles? Some of them are trick poles. For like traps?

The minute you grab them they fall apart, yep.

They fall apart? Yep. Cause I got lots of invaders. I get lots of invaders.

That's what you mentioned. And there are buttons all around the house that you can press and the floor will open up down into a shoot to the basement.

It shouldn't be buttons. The floor should just open at random. I can't mess with buttons. I can't mess with... and you said I can shoot in the basement? You can shoot the basement. Okay, good, because I've been getting pretty good at bow and arrow. Now, my bow and arrow is a little bit different because it's bones and arrow, and so I'm using bones to shoot arrows, but the arrows are bones. Basically, I get a big bag of bones, and I just chuck that shit into the basement. And if you're telling me that that's legal, then we're gonna be okay. A-okay. How does it smell in the house?

Very bad. There's clearly dead fish in the walls.

You used the paint that I recommended?

I did.

I squeezed all that paint from fish. That's fish paint.

It's blood. The walls are painted in blood.

Fish don't have blood. They have paint because they have gills.

Whatever you say, sir.

Thank you. I'm the one who signs your checks. American Sign Language. I know it. I was taught it by a raccoon. And I use it to sign your checks.

Well, you've just been doing sort of a finger slightly down and then up at an angle.

That's... Slightly down? I'm fingering down all over that raccoon.

You can't say that to me.

I can't what to you? How much longer is it going to be until the house is ready? Give it to me in earth months.

Legally, I mean, the house is technically ready right now.

What?

The house is ready now.

There's no lid!

Roof?

No, I see the roof, there's no lid! Okay, I told you- This house is gonna be- Oh, this house is gonna be full of bugs! A house needs a lid if I want to put a big jar around it to keep all the bugs inside.

I've seen you bring bugs in by the bucketful. I think you brought these in.

Yeah, why do you think I'm wearing a lid on my head right now above my hat? To keep the bugs inside!

I didn't want to ask.

Well, you didn't need to ask because your bugs are probably all gobbledygook all around the place. Sassafras? Your bugs all escaping because you're not wearing a lid on your head.

Sassafras? Sassafras? Was that the safe word? Sassafras? I want to leave. Can I leave, sir?

Oh, you want to leave? Fine, fine. But before you go, let's be honest with each other for one minute. I don't own this house.

I never did.

What? I don't own this house. Oh, no, there's a car pulling up. Who's that?

Oh, shit.

It's the M.S. It's the M.S. Oh, boy.

Here we go.

I think I have an error going on in my head. Yeah, it's a chicken. Let's see.

This house I own by my friend who's a chicken. He let me stay here. So I thought that maybe we could like, and it's not, we're not leeching off of anything else. You know, we're, we're being inspired certainly by other things, but we're creating something for ourselves. And it can't be Costco, obviously, because that's covered. So is there, like, another store? And it could be any store, just that the two of you could, like, agree on that we might, that might be, like, that might have something there for us.

Sorry, you want us to do, like, the Costco review guys thing?

I don't want us to do anything!

Like the dad and the son who are like, I don't want us to do anything! Double chunk chocolate cookie!

But if we were gonna do something... Okay.

And I guess I just have one big question from over here. From the Erin camp, we have one sort of big question.

You're the kid, I'm the dad.

Well, that was actually gonna be my second question. Cause I would like, I would maybe like to be the dad. Okay.

Yeah, that's great.

Also, sometimes guys, the three of us play house. We all fight about who gets to be the baby, who gets to be the dad. Who gets to be Wilson. Yes.

Exactly. The volleyball, right? Who gets to be Cuddy. Erin always wants to be Cuddy. Maybe somebody else can be Cuddy for once.

Who gets to be Hugh Laurie. David kind of likes that one.

Hugh Laurie, Cuddy, and Wilson. The three characters on House. What's your question?

My question is, and this is absolutely no judgment, and I love everything we do.

Oh, I love this. I love how this is not loaded.

This is not loaded at all. Do we think that this is going to be a relevant pop culture thing when this episode comes out? And I know we don't really care about that. We were making my wife jokes in 2019. Yeah.

But like... Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie.

Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie. So I'm wondering, but that's, and this is just me wondering out loud.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Let's scrap it. You guys want to do Hawk Tua again? Well, hold on. Adal, you're going to be playing Channing Tatum and Erin, you're going to be working at a bank and Adal, you're going to forget that your name is Channing Tatum and you're really going to be trying to search for it and hit what your name is when Erin's like checking you in here.

Sure.

Hi, welcome to Chase Bank. How can I help you today?

Wow, you're pretty.

Oh my gosh. Oh, thank you.

Oh, sorry. I'm looking in the reflection of the sort of plastic sort of guard here.

Oh my god, I did it again.

Sorry. I'm just a, I'm a very, I'm a very pretty man. Nice to meet you. My name is Chuting Tootum. Am I right?

Sorry. Sorry. I'm feeling just a little muffled through the glass.

Chutting, Chutting Tateman? Chutting Tateman.

Sorry, sir. I'm having a little bit of a hard time. You just need to lean a little bit closer to the glass and I'll be able to hear you and type your name in.

Oh, sorry.

Or you could give me, if you want to hand me your card.

My name is Cuddles, Cuddling. No, that can't be right. Everybody on the floor. The dance floor, the dance floor, magic.

Magic.

Pick a card, any card.

You cannot, I don't care if you're a celebrity, you cannot be yelling everybody on the floor inside of a bank. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I know, I think I might recognize you.

Oh, hey, is that who I think it is? Hey, it's me, Joe Mingley Jello. Joe Mingley Jello. That can't be right.

Jenna Hill?

Oh, no, the tall one. No, for Magic Mike, I'm, uh... God, what is my... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. John... Maclamelo?

You were married to... Sargia Sarvarva?

Don't say we're married, because obviously I'm not any... Yeah, yeah, you got divorced.

Oh, I feel like I have that... Oh my God, fellas, is this a movie reunion or what? It's me, Moot... Moot Boomy? From White... White Suits? That's not right. The White Suits. On TNT. No.

Chorning Tillman. Chorning Tillman?

Oh, oh, oh. I know who you are. You are... Oh my god.

I got it. You know what? I got it. Stalker Channing. I'm Stalker Channing. I was Rizzo in Grease. You know what? I'm John Mantegna.

What do you want?

I am a football player. I am not, I am not, oh my god.

What do you guys want me to type into the computer?

Money. Money please.

Money please. Let's see.

The perfect scene. Erin, the perfect scene happened on your watch.

Oh god. Wait, are the things that happen on your watch?

Look at me, I'm Sandra Doe.

I know everything is so scary right now and things are very rarely funny. And especially with Trump, it's just not funny because it's so scary and dangerous. But yesterday, I wanted to wind down for the night by watching like a nature thing on Netflix. And I watched, like, Our World's Oceans. And the narrator of that is Barack Obama. And I was sitting and I was watching him talking about whales. And then I started, like, dying laughing because I went, can you fathom Trump ever doing something like this? Like, agreeing to narrate a nature documentary about, like, whales in the Pacific Ocean. He would get so sidetracked so fast. Oh, I was dying laughing.

They call them Kill Her Whales. Beautiful whales.

Never seen them kill, but I've heard that they can. They can be very killer.

They call them Orcums. They call them Orcums.

They call them Orcums. He's got a seal. Seals are very nasty. It's okay to kill them. They're very nasty creatures.

A lot of the whales, they're dying from the windmills. The windmills are killing the whales.

Actually, Erin, yes. Yes, I can see Trump doing this. I can see, honestly, like Trump leaves office in three years and he gets the exact same Netflix deal that Obama got because Netflix cares about one thing. They're like, hey, you know what? We have a, we just have, I can see Joe Biden doing it too, where he's just like, here's a whale. Oh no, we don't understand. Where'd it go? Okay. I'm just looking at the water.

I'm just looking at the water.

I'm crying again! Okay, hold on, hold on.

We're so fucking cooked. And what if Teddy Roosevelt, and I think it would go a little something.

Yeah, yeah. Bully! Bully! Free Willy! Bully! Free Bully! Free... Four whales and score of orca. No one knows what Lincoln sounded like. Daniel Day-Lewis was like, what if he sounds like this? And we were like, I guess we have to. We have to go with it. We don't have any recordings. He's the actor. We're kind of fucked.

What a huge swing he made.

I've been Abraham Lincoln talked like this. But it's Abraham Lincoln and I only talk in song.

This might be your last movie, Daniel.

And he's like, I'm trying to get fired. I'm in hell. Every time I take a roll, I'm in hell.

This is James K. Polk, probably. I am my body.

And Erin, there's three rules about James K. Polk. Don't feed him after midnight. Don't get him wet. Keep him out of the sunlight.

These whales are swimming in the ocean.

I do want to see another scene. This is based off the fact that one of the costumes on the list was Cleo Denial from Monster High. Never heard of Monster High, but I do want to see a scene of the two of you as sort of classic monsters in high school. Erin, do you have a favorite sort of classic monster?

I like a vampire.

Great. So you're a vampire or Dracula type in high school.

Great.

JPC, do you have a favorite sort of classic monster? I mean the most classic monster, Frankenstein's monster. Perfect. So this is Dracula, or a vampire type, and Frankenstein in high school. Frankenstein's a monster. I'm so sorry. Frankenstein's a monster in high school. And this scene starts now.

School sucks.

Right? Yeah, I saw that you got detention again today.

Paul McCartney?

I know. I heard it. Scene. Oh, I heard it too. I can't go back in there.

And Erin, real quick, you cannot call scene. This is still the scene.

I know, but I'm just saying, I know I have to go back in that scene, but I went through Paul McCartney, and now I can't undo it.

Grass bird. Good. It was almost Bob Dylan, right? He was like, yeah.

I know, but now how am I supposed to get back in that scene? Okay, I'll go back.

Okay, here's what we'll do. We're going to restart this scene. Slight punishment because we stopped it. Erin, you're now Frankenstein's monster. JPC, you're now Dracula. And we're in high school and go.

High school sucks, huh?

I don't know. I quite like high school.

Adal!

Erin, stay in the scene. I know it seems like we're not going to use a lot of the things that we learn here, but I quite like the company and the teachers are all nice. God, I could go for some blood.

Yeah, yeah.

What I wouldn't do for a little blood. Just a song I'm kind of tinkering with. It's nothing yet.

I was wondering if you had a date to homecoming at?

Honestly, all the girls want to go to homecoming with me. They keep swarming me, absolutely thmobbing me wherever I go, but I haven't said yes to a single one of them yet.

Well maybe you say yes to someone who is made up of a bunch of different dead people.

Take my best friends to homecoming. Why, that could work.

I can't even, I feel like I sound a little bit like a cookie monster.

Don't know who that is. All right. Think you sound like yourself, Frankenstein. Starts jiggling at the door handle of the scene. Locked, it's locked. Maybe I could, maybe I could ask my best friend if they'd go to homecoming with me.

Adal, Adal, can you unlock, Adal? I'm mumbling to you.

Would you go to homecoming with me, Dracula? What do you say, Bob Dylan?

Opens the mail slot at the scene, shoves some trail mix in here and there for some protein. Grabs your hand. End scene, end scene. Wow. Very good job. I will say.

Yes. And this is not a criticism of Erin at all. Don't do this.

Don't do this.

She wasn't really staying in it.

Hey, I was so in it. I was so committed.

JBC, it was barely noticeable, but I did pick up on that. Erin and JPC, you are Alvin and Simon. You are at Theodore's funeral, and you're trying to be respectful and sad, but also your voices are so sort of high and funny that you can't help but like, have a good time.

Great. How do you measure your life? Is it in laughs? Is it in mischief? Isn't it being a part of a song that includes your name?

Sorry, is there some... I just don't think I can fucking... I just don't think I can fucking do this right now.

I just don't think I can fucking do this right now. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, come here, come here.

Oh, God. Hey, this isn't... Why are people laughing? Hey, he's really sad. I don't know why people are laughing. Leave Alvin alone, please. Why do you sound like that? Why do you sound like that? Why don't you sound normal?

I thought Casey could maybe add something to my voice and pose. No, no. He can't and he shan't. No, come on. I don't have that to the toys you have. No, hold on. Did you hear that whistle? There has been an issue on the field here at Hey Riddle Riddle. Do we need to go to Riddle Court or can we settle this on the field?

No, settle this on the... This is not appropriate for Riddle Court.

Okay, fine.

I think this is Scene Court. Yeah, this is scene court. Let's go to scene court.

I want to go to scene court.

Great. Let's go to scene court.

All rise for Judge Erin... Wait a second. I'm the baron.

Okay, then announce Judge Erin Keif. Oh, so you get to be the judge? Yes.

Is his voice getting higher?

And you know what, Adal? You weren't in the scene. Adal, you get to be the judge.

Oh, okay. Order, order, everyone calm down, calm down. We seem to have a grievance here filed by one Erin Keif.

Thank you.

Okay, Erin, why don't you step in front of the juror and do one comedic and one dramatic.

I'm Erin Keif, here are my hands, willing to shave.

Yes, also tell us where your hands are.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. And chipmunks. And chipmunks.

Yeah, sorry, you can't see them, but there's 12 angry chipmunks under the... I get it, I get it.

Oh, we're not angry. Most of us are horny, if that's what you mean.

If you, on an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle... If you... No, that's not... Come on, man.

Come on, man. She's telling me to fuck myself, and I'm not allowed to talk? I'll allow it.

I'll allow it.

If you use performance enhancement drugs on Hey Riddle Riddle, that is your prerogative. You cannot make the scene that you're in about having said performance enhancement drugs. That is bad improv. Use the drugs, and if someone chooses to add a drug of their choice to post, that is their business. Stay the course, yes and the scene, and don't make it a meta pile of bullshit that I don't have a soundboard. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is the sound of me in agony.

I don't even know how I would even begin to download a soundboard.

Fuck you. Fuck, fuck this. Erin, Erin, I'm going to throw the book at you. I'm throwing the book at you.

That's the soundboard.

That's the soundboard. He's doing the meta bullshit that I was just talking about.

Erin, Erin.

Some of us are born being able to do technology. Ooh, mommy, daddy. Erin. Erin.

I'm going to have to hold you in contempt.

Hey, hey, he is doing it against me. This is going to have to be a thing where I take this scene to another Riddle scene. I'm getting too emotional. I need to calm down. I had motion smoothing on my TV for years without realizing it. I don't know how to... I'm saying that everyone has access to the same technology that others do and I think it is not fair to make a scene about how you have a soundboard and now you know what I'm gonna have to fucking do this week? Bother Casey and have Casey hop on the horn with me so I can download a soundboard and become a menace to society and then we're just three fuckers with soundboards.

Hey, I love it, man. I'm all for it. What if the Batman movie was just three Jokers? Why not?

I would like to see a scene. You are two robots at a party and one of you is trying to like do a graceful exit and the other one is noticing.

Well, this has been a killer party.

Yes, I agree. This party has been killer.

Man, the music that was chosen was so groovy. Such groovy tunes.

Groovy tunes, and the drinks were reasonably mixed.

I'm sorry I spilled my Manhattan on your motherboard.

My man, it is all good. It is literally water under the cooling system.

Phew, that is a gig off my memory card.

All right, brother. Good to run into you.

Good to run- Oh, I'm actually going the same way.

Oh, okay. We were both doing the thing where we say goodbye to one person at the party.

I can say goodbye to one person or zero people.

Yes, me too. It's binary choice. I feel like if we leave together, people are going to assume that we are going to fuck.

Well, should we give them something to talk about?

Huh, this is not, this is not the way I saw this night going. Contemplating probabilities. Okay. Yes, I could be into this.

Oh man, I was joking. This is awkward now. I am so sorry. I was joking.

Yes, me too, me too, me too, me too. Recalculating, recalculating.

Hey guys, I'm so sorry to interrupt you. We're going to have to take your keys because you guys are talking like you're robots and you're clearly really drunk. We do not want you driving home.

Calculating probability of threesome. Wow. Sorry. Looking unlikely.

That's such a fuck you.

I made you guys be robots and I was like... Honestly, Erin, you gave me an idea for the next party I attend, which is to get so drunk that I think I'm a robot.

Adal, you are a tattoo artist and you've just given JPC a tattoo. It was like a six hour sitting. JPC, you're seeing that tattoo and it is not what you wanted.

All right, we are done. Let me bring out the mirror, much like a barber does when he finishes a haircut. Here we go. Okay. Let me get the angles on this.

Yeah. What am I looking at here?

This is pretty much what you asked for.

Is this the mirror that shows me someone else's back? This is... This is your back. This is my back.

Mm-hmm. Sorry, this is a normal mirror, not an enchanted mirror or anything, although... Sure. Okay. In the back, we have stuff for sale. So this is what you asked for, I think, pretty much.

Uh-huh. This is Jafar from Aladdin, correct?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, and this is what you thought I asked for?

I thought that you asked for Jafar as a Chippendale, sort of a Magic Mike situation, dancing on top of a Denny's. So that's what you have here is Jafar dancing on top of a Denny's, which I think is pretty much what you said.

Holy God, I didn't even see the Denny's part. Okay, so that's way bigger on the bottom, kind of going kind of into my ass.

Yes, and then tucking back up to your crotch is Iago saying, Squawk moons over Miami.

Yeah. Huh. So... So... Can you pull up my email?

Sure, let me just... Dear Terry's Tats, I would like a tattoo of my dead father to honor him in his military service.

You know what?

Let's just call this an oopsie. This is for free. Let's all get a good night's sleep. We'll come back tomorrow. We'll take a stab at it again, okay? Well... Can I take you for lunch or... Should I be... I don't know.

Should I be sleeping or... It's also bigger than we talked about.

I don't think so. Let me check the email.

Well, hey, look, let's... Well, it's run dry. I don't mean to be, you know, kind of a dick to anyone. You're at work. Like, I get it. You have a job. It's obviously messed up a little. My dad's military service really meant a lot to me. Is there any way you can take what you've done, which is beautiful in its own way. Thank you.

Can you write that as a review, please?

I won't. Jafar on top of a Denny's. Is there any way that you could change this and alter this to maybe make it look somewhat like the prompt that I kind of gave you? What if I change Denny's to Daddy's?

So it's Jafar as a Chippendale, Magic Mike situation, dancing on top of a daddy's. Now, of course, Iago saying squawk moves over my hammy won't make sense.

You keep saying Chippendale, but it's less of a Patrick Swayze and more of a Rescue Ranger, it seems. Yeah, he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Solving crime.

Someone messing up and then saying, you know what, is just perfect.

All right, give it to us one more time, Adal.

They like things that grow on branches and not things that grow in the ground. In the ground?

And you are a whisper away. I'm gonna kill you. Erin, is Batman featured in this movie? Um, no.

What is this joke that you're doing?

I'm just, you said it was, you know, the greatest detectives, and obviously Batman is history's greatest detective, so it's just kind of interesting.

I'd like to see a scene.

A mission there.

Adal, you are Sherlock Holmes, and you are meeting Batman, played by JPC, and JPC, you're trying to really establish yourself as being on the same level as him.

Ah, I presume you got my telegraph. You're looking well, chap. Let's see here. Rubber inlay. Makeup under the eyes. Gray hair on your boots suggesting some sort of father figure or butler. You're Bruce Wayne. Takes out violin.

Okay, Batman usually doesn't do this, but... I'm not dead!

I'm not dead!

Go to sleep! Go to sleep! Go to sleep! Okay, so it looks like the Joker really killed this guy. Oh man, the Joker really killed this guy.

Mr. Holmes, I have returned from being a doctor and- Oh! Hello.

Hey.

I'm Dr. John Watson.

So, the Joker was just here- Ah, fuck it. Terrible.

Not dead, not dead, not dead, not dead.

I'm going to sleep, I'm going to sleep, I'm going to sleep.

Finally, someone has bested my brother. Haha.

Clap. Clap. Clap. You saw that? Huh? Alright. Not that. Why is this? It's a snack snap. It should be killing everyone first thing.

Not that.

Terrible day for Batman. Terrible day.

JPC, you are our football coach and you're explaining a play to us that you came up with yesterday.

Alright everybody, we're gonna try something. It's just practice today, okay? So, you know, the game's on Sunday. We practice like it's the game. I had a dream last night. And are you guys familiar with... It's like the type of dream where like you can kind of control what's happening.

LUCID DREAMING COACH

I started writing them all down. I started writing them all down, okay?

Oh yeah, give it to us, coach. What is it?

What is it? For the first play, so it looks like the football field, but it's like not the football field. Like it's way longer. So that'll be important. So it'll be like longer, like it'll be like a hundred miles. So we'll have to like stop as we're running downfield. We'll have to like stop and like stay at like a hotels and stuff.

Coaches, this sort of sounds like this is dream logic and won't necessarily apply to the kind of plays we need to win a game.

You are O-line, okay? You're not the quarterback. QB1, you can speak in the huddles. O-line don't speak in the huddles.

But I'm the captain, coach.

Coach, thank you. QB1 here. I see on page 14, play 48, it says that I am to snap the ball and then hover three inches off the ground for about 45 minutes.

It's now 45 minutes and 45 seconds. So this is called the serpent on the mound. So what it is, you're going to snap the football in half. Mound? Hand it to the serpent on the mound. Hand it to the people on either side of you, okay? They're going to take those footballs and snap them in half. Now suddenly we have eight footballs on the field. My math works out there. Everybody's going to be throwing footballs, okay? Little footballs. It's sort of a wildcat situation.

Coach, on page seven, this diagram says All my teeth are supposed to fall out, and then I have to take an English test again that I failed when I was in high school?

Don't worry about it. Don't dwell too much about the teeth in the test. The teeth fall out, but shark teeth replace them. Shark never run out of teeth. They're just always pushing, pushing, pushing, growing back, growing more teeth, growing more teeth, growing more teeth. And the English test is on Huck Finn, so it's easy. You know, pain to the fence or whatever.

I'm supposed to get back with Deborah, but she's a car now.

And it says that happened in your childhood best friend's kitchen.

So this one sucks because I had just seen the movie Cars for the first time, so Lightning McQueen was gonna be in a ton of these plays, but that's okay, okay? Here's one called Wow. So, Lightning McQueen, you start driving down the field, and it's long, like a hundred miles, so you're gonna have to stop for gas, okay?

Hey coach, we need to start the game. Sorry, me and the other refs, we gotta start the game.

Oh my God, have I been talking for a whole day?

Yeah. Oh, we were doing... Hey, it's me, your mom, the ref, your mom. Okay. But I'm made of gold.

What's going on with you? And we all start floating up to the ceiling. Wee!

Same.

It was a dream the whole time. Inception.

It was a dream, a dream, a dream, a scene within a scene.

Guys, Scotland, beautiful time, incredible time. One little hiccup. We rented a car. We were driving the highlands. Isle of Skye, the most beautiful place I've seen on earth. We hit a Shrek with our car.

Car stuttled. You did the right thing, right? You called the government, let them know you hit a Shrek. Tell me you didn't hide the body and sort of try to cover it up.

Tell me you didn't take it and dump it in the equivalent of Central Park and claim that a bike can hit it. Central Swamp? Central Swamp! And claim a bike can hit it. And tell me that you're not going to be running for president, abandoning your presidential campaign, and settling for Secretary of Health and Human Services, I want to say?

GBC, absolutely not. What I did was what any human would do, which is I sawed its head off.

Oh, Adal.

And then me and my niece drove it down. And now we have a Shrek hanging above our fireplace. But you, I mean, you're in Scotland, you're driving, it's the first time you've ever done it. You took the Shrek insurance, right?

We got the Shrek insurance, so... And you're covered, yeah.

Yeah, no harm, no foul. And I do think they are overpopulated. So I think there is... I think once per year you can, I think, hunt up to two or three Shreks.

Did you check in its pouch for a baby Shrek? Did you even check? You're supposed to check for the baby Shrek if you hit one with your car. Oh my god, that's why. They're a protected species.

No, no, no, this is their season. June is the beginning of their season. So as long as you did it in June, then I think that you don't have to file. The thing about the Shrek insurance though, Adal, and you'll have to look at this, because it's like, it protects like your car, but it doesn't like protect the Shrek. So like if they... Yeah, if the family of the Shrek finds out and they try to get, like, reimbursement or something, you know?

And you looked around for its donkey, right?

I did see its donkey.

Because you have to kill its donkey, too, if you kill the Shrek.

Well, here's what happened was, as I was kind of looking around of, like, what should I do, what should I do, I reached down, thought I was grabbing the Shrek's body, accidentally touched the donkey. And once you touch a donkey, the mother wants nothing to do with it. Yeah. So, I did have to kill it. Erin, you said check in its pouch. Is that a trick to try and get me to put my hand down Shrek's pants?

Oh, as if you're not looking for any excuse. Okay, yeah, I gotta trick you to do that. I gotta dare you to do that.

I see a dead Shrek, and I'm like, where's his identification? Reached down in the front of his pants, and I'm like, I'm looking for a wallet.

What? You have to be careful if you kill a Shrek, because you have to check for its donkey. I did the same thing, but I, it was, where was I? Oh man, I don't even remember where I was, but I was driving, and I hit a Mulan, and I had to check for its little dragon. For its Mooshu? We're at Smooshu, that's right, thank you.

It's a bit without knowing its name. I love the idea of somebody going like, I can't handle this bit anymore. Fast forwarding eight minutes and we're still doing it.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, what's the school bus that shrinks down? Magic School Bus?

Magic School Bus.

Erin, you're like the woman who does Magic School Bus, but you have like a van.

Ms. Frizzle. Okay, got it.

You're like a Ms. Frizzle, but you have a van and it's sort of a two-bit operation. But you are taking your class, played by JPC and I, inside an air conditioner to show them how it works.

Erin, he didn't know the name of the magic school bus or Ms. Frizzles, or I forgot Mooshu Malone's situation going on over here.

I mean, to me it's just a ripoff of Inner Space, which I grew up with.

Okay kids, I know I've gotten two strikes ever since I took you inside a human body without getting permission slips from your families.

That man exploded when we resized.

We all remember. Thomas, we all remember. Look at me.

We all remember, okay? Yeah, we still have to do the court-mandated therapy to try to process what we saw.

Mrs. Brumple is gonna shrink us down once again and we're gonna learn how the inside of an air conditioner works right before the summer.

The judge took your shrink ray away. The judge said you couldn't use it anymore. The judge has their...

You guys are being very funny today. No one's raising their hands though. This is still school. The judge has their address publicly online and doesn't really lock their second-story windows. Yeah, you sent the judge a pizza?

You sent the judge a pizza with a note that said, enjoy?

Uh, yeah.

I'm your host

Mrs. Frumple, Mrs. Frumple, you're just sort of driving into the front door of this house, and then backing up and driving it in.

You think you could have a normal day with Miss Frumple? No way! Cruising down down Main Street, and I'm going to a bar with these children. What? What?

Won't you let go from the school?

Oh, Mikey. Semantic, semantic, semantics.

Mikey.

I'll uppercut you in the nose if you speak again.

She'll do it. She'll do it.

Here we go. Beep, beep. Have a good time.

I do want to see a scene. The two of you are sort of old-timey street urchins, like Shine Your Shoes Govna, and no one these days is stopping for a shoe shine, so you're trying to change up your tactics.

Penny for your shoe shine, shine your little shoes. Give you an ankle rub as well. Rub your ankles.

Oi. Oi. No one's doing that. No one's doing shoe shines or ankle rubs anymore. And no one even wants the sex stuff anymore. Or maybe they can just eyeball that we're not good at it. We have to think of something more original that people want. They don't want the sex stuff either.

End jobs! Two for a penny!

First of all, no one wants two handjobs.

Right in a row. Back-to-back handjobs. Two for a penny. Two little handjobs for two pennies. Small little handjobs. Back-to-back. Why?

You, sir. You, sir. You want to see how far I can throw your phone? Something pulls me back across this place I left. Some distant force, familiar to me and yet unknown. I will not be here for long.

Is this like bird migration? Is this like the Capistratas or whatever?

Is this like bird migration?

Magnets? Don't magnets pull on birds? Birds aren't flapping their wings, they just get pulled.

Oh, you were one of those kids that pulled birds with magnets? Yeah. You're out in the yard with your magnifying glass and your magnets.

Magnet a stick, put it in the sky, catch some birds.

Dude. I cut up Coke cans, I wait for a seagull to eat them, then I use my magnet and I fly a bird like a kite.

I want to see a scene, okay, Adal and Erin, you two are siblings, it's like summer vacation, you have like so much time on your hands, and Adal, you're the younger brother, and you've just put a magnet on a stick and you're trying to pull birds out of the sky, and Erin, you think that this will never work.

Come on, come on! Come on!

I just woke up. Have you heard the ice cream truck go by today? What are you doing?

Yeah, it's been going for a while.

Wait, the ice cream truck's been going for a while?

Yeah. He pulled into the cul-de-sac and he's just sitting there. Then he started circling around.

What?

I think we're his only customers. I think unless we come out, he doesn't know what to do. Come on!

Come on!

What are you doing? What am I doing? Use your eyes. I'm trying to magnetize birds.

Well that's insane. We go to the same school. You know better. You're older than me.

That's fine. We go to the same school is not the argument you think it is.

I'm just saying the quality of teachers at the same school is such a swing if you think that's going to do anything.

Would you ever notice how after I have a teacher they suddenly retire? Come on.

Come on. Yeah that is weird.

Yeah.

Okay, well, if you want to kill birds, there's an easier way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said kill birds.

Oh.

I mean, I'm gonna. Right, sure. But I didn't say that, because you know how mom and dad are always checking my room for, you know, like, pissing the bed, or obsession with fire, or like... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, harming animals.

I'm gonna go get some ice cream from the guy. Do you want your... Do you want something? Something with gumballs?

No, I'm good. She shoves a little knife into your shoulder.

Ah, yep. Murderer brother. Got it. Got it, got it, got it.

I was a famous captain at another time. Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's line. This is fun. This is a silly one.

Is this like a fishing setup?

Yeah, you're close. You're close. I would say it's kind of like a fishing setup.

A worm.

Captain Worm?

Captain Worm.

One of the most famous pirates. Alright, I do want to see a scene. Adal, you're playing Captain Worm. You're playing Captain Worm and Erin and I are like two of the pirates on your ship. Your famous pirate ship.

Attention! All right, line up. Line up, you mucky mucks. You creepy fucks, you mucky mucks. It is I, Captain Worm. Hold for applause.

That's right. Sorry, Captain. We can't be applauded because most of us have hooks.

Yeah.

That was a test. You passed.

Captain, I'm new to the shipyard and... Fresh meat. All I see is sort of a big captain's hat that I assume is maybe a small worm is underneath it. You're sounding a little muffled, sir, is what I'm trying to get at.

You assume there's a small worm under the hat. You never thought that it could be medium-sized or medium-large.

Uh, yar, the biggest worm, sir, I'm sure, but still to fit under the hat.

Yar, that's what part of this ship is about is trust, me laddie. If you trust that there is a worm under the hat that is magical and who is bringing us all to heaven, then, only then can we accomplish our mission.

Yar, yar, and I trust. I've been on the ship many years and I trust the worm implicitly. Captain, what's on the agenda-r today?

On the agenda are today, from me, the magical worm that lives under the captain's hat that you should never see, never lift up the hat to see, who's taking us all to heaven. Yeah, we won't get to heaven if we see the worm. Okay, I assume we swapped the decks. Okay, I assume we swapped the decks. Second up on the list today, bring me your wives so I can fuck them. What?

Oh, sir, you're on the deck, Yar, so I thought perhaps you could tell if we had swabbed it or not. What did you say about our wives, sir?

I said, bring me ye wives so I can meet them. Not really a big wife industry, Yar. I mean, I know I don't have a wife, but new guy, do you have a wife?

Sorry to keep, uh, yeah, no wife, uh, keep digging at this, but I have to ask... Five pirates to join us, and if they don't join, then I don't get paid, yarr?

Yarr, that's the way the pirate system works.

If you want to get to heaven, hey, listen, if you don't want to get to heaven, we can turn this boat right around and go back to Lisbon and all go on our merry way.

I want to get to heaven, that's why I brought this pirate aboard, you know, the crew. I'm fulfilling my quotar. Hey, real quick.

Sometimes I'm hearing Nars, sometimes I'm hearing Yars. Under this hat, as a magical worm, they sound very similar. Can we switch to, like, yes and no? Cause Yar and Nar are just so close.

Y-y-y-a-a-a-a-a-a-s. Y-y-y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

Yars. Yars it is true and there's a grand prize.

A grand prize for whatever team brings the beach to its feet. Arr, I hope it's getting to go to heaven. That's really the only reason I do all of this.

I want to lift up the hat and I want to see the worm.

No, you must never. If you lift up the hat and you see the worm, you're not going to heaven. That's what the worm told us.

The grand prize is you give me all your earthly possessions and I shall tend to them and you shall live a life of piety before you enter heaven through the gates that only a magical worm under a captain's hat can provide. Never lift up the hat.

Yar, is this a cult?

Well, of course it's a cult, Yar. No dar. No dar, it's the magic worm. With the hat.

A cult leader. I'm dead.

But do you guys have a guess for what the answer could be here?

Oh my god, balloon?

Can you read the riddle one more time?

I can, but you are so close. I was a famous captain at another time, now I wait around all day at the end of someone's line. Oh, hook. It's Captain Hook.

Oh, duh.

Oh, Casey. Can you hop on the mic really quick?

Uh-oh.

Casey's in trouble.

Uh-oh.

Can you read what you just sent to our chat on the side, please?

I said, I got this one instantly. Okay.

Erin, do you want to chastise me for... No, I just, I wanted you to hear it from me directly, that that hurt my feelings.

Yes. I thought as, well I thought as my friend, you'd be happy for me, that I got one of these riddles ever.

Well Casey, that's not what we're doing here, because you, your role, is the audience surrogate. So as the audience surrogate, I kindly invite you to show

Adal, you are going to HR, which is JPC, and you're complaining about being bullied at work by an onion who's making you cry.

Hey, sorry Todd, we had a 3 p.m.?

Oh yeah, come on in.

Okay.

What's up, penis breath? Sorry, I just saw ET last night for the first time.

Oh, do they say penis breath in there?

Oh my god, don't they? Oh no, I could get in huge trouble.

You're both Timon and Pumbaa. You can decide who is who. And one of you is going to reveal to the other that you have some like maybe unusual kinks that the other didn't know about.

Oh, I feel so dirty. I was wallowing in the mud. I feel so so.

I should I should probably wash this off, right? I mean, wash it off if you want to wash it off.

Uh, I mean if it's just between you and me. Which one's which? If we're just in the watering hole, um. Nathan Lane, Nathan Lane.

I actually don't.

Other guy, the guy who played Pumbaa.

No, you'll never pull it. You could've pulled Lane. Man as Pumbaa. You could've pulled Lane, but you'll never pull Pumbaa. It's probably the same guy who played Gimli, right? Probably?

This scene is a mess.

John Rhys-Davies? But I think, actually I might just leave the mud on because it makes me feel sexy.

Pumbaa, if you want to leave the mud on because it makes you feel sexy, you should leave the mud on. Okay. But if you feel like you need to take the mud off and you want to put it in this little cup and then not care what happens to the little cup, even if someone's very thirsty, you don't ask what happens to the little cup, you can do that as well.

Writes on a piece of paper. What the fuck? Writes on a piece of paper. How come on my titties? Shows it to Erin. Waits for her reaction. Puts a question mark. Erin, is that okay if I sing that?

I slide back a piece of paper. It says ten million dollars.

I look at it. I nod. Won't do the song. Won't sing how come on my titties. Grabs the piece of paper.

How come on my titties?

What a wonderful phrase.

Ain't no passing craze Ain't no passing craze It means I'm horny for the rest of the day It means I'm horny in a very specific way

It's our problem-free philosophy.

I don't have to change any words. I think it works just fine. Don't start hukum on my titties and get mad when I start having fun.

Can you hukum on my titties?

Erin, if we write the line,

Period.

They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line. They're coming on their titties. Huh? I'm gonna come.

Not yet. Sitting down to write the line come and then being like, okay, so they're kids for the first 40 minutes of this thing.

I'm gonna bust a mighty load. This is bad. This is bad. Well, I've never seen cockerballs with quite so little hair.

Erin, is this good?

Hi, hi.

You guys, I keep- Keep a towel by the side of the bed, be prepared! Erin, we just got nominated for a Tony.

Erin, we got nominated for a Tony.

A Casey Tony, which is worth nothing. Casey Tony's nominating us for many Casey Tonys.

Arabian Nuts!

No! Wait, come Latin, come Latin!

You ain't never gonna come on me.

Commercial! Commercial! Commercial! Break! We gotta go to break. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey Adal, can you come here for a second? I have to whip up a very quick website. I was thinking about using Squarespace, you know Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace is the one that gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. You know, Squarespace, we've advertised with them for years.

Yeah, I adore Squarespace. What do you, I know a lot about it, what do you need help, what's it for?

Oh yeah, that's, oh my gosh, I can't believe, I was so busy singing Squarespace's praises that I almost forgot to explain to you, my friend, what the website is for.

Yeah.

It's, can someone lend me a shovel.com? And I need a shovel because Erin's been buried alive and I have to dig her kind of out of this situation.

Yeah. Oh, I heard about this. Oh, what's great about Squarespace is they, they allow you to take donations. So you can fundraise directly on your website and grow your impact with built-in donation tools. You know, create a professional on-brand website that makes it easy to accept one-time or recurring contributions and engage supporters. So you can ask people to help fund a shovel For Erin, and when you unearth her, hopefully, you can also upload videos of that process. So Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. So do you want to have a big to-do when she comes out of the ground, I guess?

I love you saying when and not if. I love you saying when and not if. And when she's alive? She's definitely alive. Everyone's worried about Erin being buried alive. She did get a bunch of those Starbucks reusable straws and kind of taped them together so she does have a breathing hole that is breathing out of the sand. So it's really just about getting the shovel Efficiently and quickly with the website CanSomeonePleaseLendMeAShovel.com. But if you want to start your own website and maybe have a similar project about, you know, getting a friend unstuck from a serious situation, why don't you head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. CanSomeonePleaseLendMeAShovel for my dear friend Erin.com.

I feel like we're going to want to do like night vision videos when she gets gets out of the ground.

Oh yeah. Adal, I mean, you know this. Managing a small business is difficult, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I have cat pies, which is my food truck where my cats make pies that I sell, and it can be a real headache to have a small business.

Yeah, and I seem to recall that the health inspector refused to issue it a rating because he refused to acknowledge that it was a food restaurant.

Yeah, we've had some, uh, there's been some red tape with, with, uh, the animals serving the food, but we're working on it. We're working on it.

Well, again, managing a small business can be hard. You got to juggle multiple disconnected apps to manage your business finances. You have to be anxious about taxes. You might be behind on your books. You're always chasing receipts and keeping up with client invoices. And sometimes you accidentally hire a construction company to bury one of your hosts into a big pile of sand. Completely unintentional. You meant to do something else. And that could be about any podcast co-host. And yeah, I'm trying not to make this about me. It's not like a cry for attention here, but it's just the reality of owning a small business. But, Found has eliminated the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices, and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps. I gotta tell you, this bulldozer company, their app is trash.

Well, I know that found makes it easy to regain control of your business finances. So you can get back to doing what you love, which is solving riddles and found helps you find your buried co-hosts.

Yeah, I don't know if it'll exactly do that, but it does identify the tasks that create the most hassle for small businesses. Things like categorizing expenses, preparing for taxes, managing invoices, budgeting, and they build an app that does it all directly from your business checking account. So you have time to vet potential bulldozer companies before you even hire them to bury one of your co-hosts in a big pile of sand. One thing that I love about Found is that it automatically tracks expenses, which means that I don't have to carve out time every week for importing expenses, you know, to go through my purchases, to make sure everything is accounted for. And again, I got purchase orders from all kinds of construction companies with all kinds of bulldozers. Found makes it easy to see which one buried my friend Erin alive in the sand.

Yep, and don't take it from us, take it from the electromagnetic recording that we took 8 feet underground of Erin saying this Take back control of your business today. Open a Found account for free at found.com. That's F-O-U-N-D.com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by LeadBank. Member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who have already streamlined their finances with Found.

Thanks, Erin. That was her.

That was definitely her.

Yeah, she said that.

Yeah, the electromagnet. That's how you get voices from the ground, is electromagnets. Look it up. We're not lying. Oh, oh, oh, JPC, hello, it's me, Father New Year.

Oh, Father New Year, what big white beard you have, and looks like, looks like maybe was like a white-rimmed red hat that has been hastily painted like a different color?

Oh, does it? That's weird. I've always worn this. Oh, oh, oh. Hey, listen, just so you know, Erin Keif is off in Bermuda with Joshua Jackson. They got married.

Oh, that's good. Good for him. Good for him bouncing back. I know he's kind of had a tumultuous time. Uh-huh. Not to say anything of what Erin's had. But let me... Hey, Santa. Hey. Oh, I'm sorry. Not Santa. Father New Year or whatever? Father New Year! Lean in here. Look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're obviously Santa with painted clothes, but... Oh, yeah. If you want to get new clothes, why don't you just shop at Clint's?

Oh, JPC brings down my big blue New Year's bag of gifts. I love quints. I give it to all the boys and girls. You know, as a fashionista, my outerwear needs to be especially impressive. So I buy down jackets, wool coats, Italian leather outerwear to keep me warm when it's actually cold. You know, that's the kind of stuff I buy for myself and gift to people around the world.

Yeah, see, I mean, I love quints because each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Plus, by cutting out middlemen and traditional markups, quints delivers the same quality as luxury brands at a fraction of the price. But Santa, it seems like you're giving all this quints away, but no one's, no one's kind of giving quints to you. And maybe this getup that you're wearing, that's you like asking for someone to maybe You know what, Santa? I mean, not Santa. Whatever your name is, it doesn't matter. Here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna take off this cashmere sweater that I got at Quince. I absolutely love this thing. It is so warm. It is so comfortable. And Santa, or whatever, I'm going to give this to you as a New Year's gift.

Oh, now the curse is lifted and now you are Father New Year, aka Santa. Thank you. Oh, this is comfortable as heck. Thank you.

Oh, good. Honestly, I wanted this. I thought I was going to have to Tim Allen you.

Oh, and oh, my normal voice is coming back. Oh, man. Hey, my name is Roger. I'm from Oklahoma. In 1972, I fell down a chimney. I don't want to. Quince is amazing. Thank you, Quince, for turning me back into my normal self.

Wait, is my voice going to change? Oh man, I'm getting Tim Allen. Anyway, refresh your winter wardrobe with Quince. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too, that's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash riddle, free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com slash riddle.

Oh, and I lied. Erin is buried alive.

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no. I'm Kyle Mooney. Yes, exactly. No, all good, all good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, and we host the show What's Our Podcast here on HeadGum.

But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released in the feed.

Yes, in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled that we didn't have a website for our show yet.

They were like, you don't have a website? What are you guys?

Like, kindergartners? They wanted to do something about that, so we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guests and very web-savvy guests. Should we tell them who it was?

Let's, we could play 20 questions.

Um, I don't think we have time for that. Is it a person? No, it's not.

It's Finn Wolfhard. But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website.

Thanks, Finn. You had some amazing ideas for the website.

Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of, like, clicking and tapping.

And I was like, let's put a little, let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets. You kept on using that phrase, widgets. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. And you might want to check out the hippo. Just go check out the website.

Just know that there's a hippo video and know that you're going to want to watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode, we had a lot of fun making this website.

Best time of my life, honestly.

We think you're gonna have a fun time listening to it and maybe even watching it. Think of it as our little Christmas present to you.

Yeah, yeah, this is a gift for you, okay? It's just like, it's a selfless thing we did for you.

Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website, sponsoring the episode, and for supporting creators across the headgum network.

Go check out the bonus episode, What's Our Website, from What's Our Podcast on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Go to squarespace.com slash BeckandKyle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code BeckandKyle.

Yes, sir.

To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Get it, Kyle.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew.

Let's do the big breakfast. All right, my children. We've gathered us all here again for our annual big breakfast where I will be, of course, redrafting my will based on everyone's performance at the breakfast. As we all know, last year Esmeralda had a banner year at the big breakfast. She is currently in line to inherit my entire empire.

Oh, raspberries. Papa.

Hopefully this year. Pass the raspberries, Esmeralda.

Raspberries? You're not supposed to interrupt Papa.

They're so much closer to you. Okay, Esmeralda, not passing... Oh, I am.

I'm passing them.

Not fast enough. Not passing the raspberries. Okay, so there's two... You whore. Minus two houses.

Saboteur. Whore.

Minus three houses.

Sorry, Father.

Language.

Alright. To go from whore to saboteur... I meant to say saboteur and I said whore.

Okay, rhyming and showing mastery of the language. You now get... You cunt, you goof. Okay, quick rewriting. Lambert, language Lambert.

You cunt, you goof. Okay, Lambert, you now get... Get no paintings.

No, Papa, please.

Paintings are off the table for you.

But she wouldn't want the paintings, please. Oh, Papa, the countryside. The countryside paintings.

The countryside paintings are off the table for you, Lambert.

Oh, Papa, what about the still fruit?

Let's have our first course. I'm taking the platter off of the first course. What do we have here? What is this?

Hmm, looks like some sort of... Testing everyone's delicate palate.

A single slice of bacon, Father.

Yeah, it looks like... Single sli... Excellent, Esmeralda. Single... Thank you, Father. Maybe it's like a maple glaze?

Yeah, like a Canadian maple glazed slice of bacon, Father.

Canadian. Interesting. Is that your final answer, Esmeralda? Canadian bacon?

No, sir. No, sir. Okay.

I think it's just regular bacon. No Canadian tip. Blech.

Blech.

Correct. We in this family hate the Canadians.

Tee hee. Tee hoo.

And all of the oil fields... You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof.

All of the oil fields will now go to Lambert. Congratulations Lambert, you are now going to possess all of the oil... You cunt.

You pinches Esmeralda.

You cunt, you goof. Let me just... Stabs you, hits you... Hold on! Whoa!

You cunt, you goof! You cunt, you goof!

You cunt, you goof! Can we get through one big breakfast without saying the CG word?

Father, the pressure's too much. It's like a pressure cooker in here.

Oh, pressure cooker. On to the second course. Very good eye, Esmeralda. What do we have in the pressure cooker? Don't open it! Oh, well, that's ruined.

Ah, see, I knew not to, Father. Oh, no.

All of my mini birds go to Esmeralda.

Thank you, Father. What about the lark? Papa, the lark. The lark's a bird.

Lambert. Lambert.

But I'm saying I want the lark. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

Hey, now, you can have the Buick Skylark. I'll give you that. It's an 83 Skylark.

The longest car in the world.

No, Father, that's what I want.

I want all your long cars.

Woodgrain. All woodgrain.

Father, please.

I got a long car.

Father, you don't like singing. Take a point away.

I don't like singing, but I love parody songs.

Yes, it was me weird-owling Tracy Chapman.

I don't like that. That's his intellectual property. Weird-owling Tracy Chapman. Huh?

Nothing.

You cunt, you goof. Weird-owl owns Tracy Chapman's intellectual property.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I see. And we're drinking high C. Very good, Esmeralda.

Not orange juice. I can smell the difference.

Hi, cunt.

Hi, goof.

If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you cunt me, do I not goof? Sorry, that was uncharacteristic of me.

Father, well, it's something you have to take yourself out of your will. Fair is fair.

Hmm, well, okay. So, uh, when I die, I won't go to heaven. That seems fair, right? That seems appropriate. Was never going to heaven because the way I made my empire was... Questionable address. We're not nice, as we'll say.

You built your factory on top of graves.

Orphans' graves, Father.

Orphans' graves. And some of them were still alive. Some of the family was visiting. They were just orphans. Some of the family? Yes, they were like, oh, we finally found our long lost son or daughter.

So yeah, for sure, these were lost orphans. Yeah, look, do I have more ticks in the cunty column than the goofy column? Yes, I do. You cunty goof. Alright, final course for the big breakfast.

This one... Father, I already know. Big ol' stack of pancakes.

She peaked.

With maple syrup. No, I just know our father better than anyone.

Big ol' stack of pancakes with maple syrup. Lambert.

I should be the one to run the empire.

Hold on! Esmeralda, Lambert, what do you think is under this for the big breakfast?

Yes, Papa, I will take my guess, but I just remembered earlier when I said that the bacon might be glazed with maple. I remembered that maple syrup is primarily Canadian. So, you would never serve pancakes with maple syrup. It's probably pancakes with, um... You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

I'm in the middle of the answer.

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof.

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you

Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office. This is Katie. How can I help you?

Hey, Katie. Hi. This is Jacob again from 1265 Elm. Hi, Jacob. Yeah, kind of same complaint. It happened again. Went to take my Went to take my trash out today and it was same story. Couple of goons stuffed into the trash bin.

Yeah. Yeah. You said you're in Elm?

Yeah.

Yep.

Yep. On Elm.

Goons all up and down that block today. You are in good company, Jacob.

Could we maybe just put out... Is there a way for the commissioner just to like mention to him Just like maybe put put goons on the corner, like tie them up on the corner. Why do the goons have to be stuffed into the trash cans?

And but Jacob, it is Friday and it's trash day in your neighborhood. So this is sort of going to sort itself out, right?

Well, no, I got an earful from the garbageman the last time this happened on a Friday, because apparently they can pack the trash in the truck.

Right.

And that could seriously hurt the goons.

Yeah.

And I don't think that's his intent, because I don't think, why would he keep them alive just to have them crushed to death by a trash truck?

Right, right. But I mean, we lose goons every day here in Gotham, you know?

I don't want to be heartless, but these goons made their choice. I understand that. I just, I just don't want them in my trash can. And I talked to, you know, I talked to him one time, because I was taking out my trash at night, and he had put I'm taking out this city's trash. I know. Yeah. And I said, come on, really? Yeah. And he was gone.

And you were just trying to live your life and you're just trying to take out the trash. Can I be honest with you, Jacob? I don't think that this is going to be solved today or anytime soon. I mean, literally, Commissioner Gordon is being hung from his balcony office by Harley Quinn and he's screaming. So he's got a lot on his plate today.

He's got a lot today.

Yeah, there's a lot going on.

Okay, well, here's the thing I'll do. I'll do what I did last time.

Like, I'm looking through the office doors and I see him being hung off the balcony.

Hung off the balcony, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll take the goons in, I'll clean them up, I'll give them some soup, and I'll just ask them maybe to, like, to not goon by my home, you know, as much as possible.

Yeah, maybe try asking to not goon by your home. That's really jo- You know what? But I will make a note. It is in the system. Thank you. The complaint is in the system.

We care. As long as the complaint is yet logged and fi- Okay, is Katie?

Yeah, Katie.

Katie, okay. Katie M or Katie S?

Ah, good, yeah. I could have thrown Katie S under the bus, but I won't today.

It's Katie M. You sound so similar on the phone. We get that a lot. Isn't that so crazy?

And we're totally different heights, so it's like so crazy.

Oh, I'd never know. Anyway, I'll talk to you later. Okay, thanks, Jacob. I probably will talk to you later. I know, I know, okay.

We'll have a good one, Jacob.

I'll probably be calling you tomorrow.

Yeah, have a good one. I'm so sorry. I really am.

No, it's not your fault.

Okay, have a good one, Jacob.

Bye.

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office.

Hey, this is Trent. I'm the shift manager over at Bennigan's. The penguin just ate here with his penguins, I guess they're called, and they defecated all over the floor.

Okay, one second. Give me one second. Sorry.

Great, now I'm being put on hold. Are you kidding me? Yeah. What, should I start cleaning or is that evident? No, leave it, leave it.

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling commission. Oh, I already did.

Hey, still Trent.

Still Trent. Hi Trent. Sorry, we're getting inundated with calls today. I mean every day really. You were at Bennegan's and Two-Face came in and what did you say?

The penguin came in with his brood or I don't know if they're his children or his pets or whatever.

You can't say brood.

I can't say brood.

That's fine. That's fine. I understand what you're trying to say.

The joker killed my parents and I can't say brood?

Yeah, sir. I mean, we owe a little bit of decorum to each other. OK. So the penguin came in and did he not pay? Did he dine and dash? What's your issue?

Hey, are you guys closed? Look around.

What do you think? What do you think, dude? What do you think? We're open. Look around. Sorry, we had somebody coming. No, Penguin paid, actually tipped very generously, but his Penguins, um, they defecated on the floor. It gets confusing because he's the penguin, but he has penguins, so that's where it gets confusing.

Did he defecate on the floor?

I don't think so.

Okay.

Oh, you don't think so? You don't think so? What is this? If this is, this is from a regular penguin.

Okay, Kyle, actually Kyle did find that we have some bigger, um... Sir, I'm not really sure.

I want to know. If you can confirm and then give us a call back because if it's just... Like, we don't really deal with, like, animals messing up restaurants. Like, we're sort of- What? We have bigger fish to fry. Commissioner Gordon, again- Oh! She dropped him. Okay, so he really is out of office today.

Who dropped who?

Harley Quinn dropped Commissioner Gordon. It's fine. I feel like, clean up the mess, give us a call back, if- once you're sure. Sure, okay?

Okay.

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office. How can I help you?

Hey Katie, this is Rick from the Amco.

Hi Rick, how are you? How can I help you today?

Not great. Mr. Freeze was here again today.

What happened?

Freezed all the gas. Even got the stuff underground.

Okay, freezed all the gas.

Are you looking up on your sheet? Yeah, it's C-19. Yeah, C-19. The code is C-19. I know that from calling it so many times. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Well, could we get, is there anyone who can melt stuff?

Do we have... No, Katie can't do that. Remember, because it's gas.

Oh, because it's gas. I'm sorry.

Yeah, C-19.

My brain's mashed potatoes together.

It's tight. It's totally fine. I've made this call a lot of times. Yeah.

Sorry. I'm working through lunch today. So my blood sugar is low. Okay.

No. Oh God. So sorry about that. Yeah. No, it's so what they'll have to do is chisel out all the gas and then move it and let it thaw.

Chisel out the gas, move it, thaw. Ooh, is three weeks from today okay? Tuesday the 18th?

No. No, this is- Oh, Katie, no, this is serious, because this gas could explode.

And I know, but I'm looking on the C-19 file and it looks like, I mean, they are stretched really thin.

I thought they caught Mr. Freeze.

They did, but, you know.

He did not break out again.

I mean, there was that big breakout about three months back.

That he got out on that one? That's when he got out? I saw that. So I saw that I was God, I was hoping it wasn't Mr. Freeze.

They're really backed up, but they can get there by Tuesday the 18th. And it looks like 8am.

So not even there's a shell across the street. And Mr. Freeze never hits the shell. And I got to know like, and I don't look I don't I'm not, this is not a situation where I'm trying to bribe anyone, but is there an arrangement that the show has with the commissioner or Mr. Freeze?

We have a saying here in Gotham, and it's do not take anything personally. When your building explodes, when you get punched in the stomach on the street, it wasn't about you, okay?

It just feels personal, you know? I know. It just feels personal because it keeps freezing our gas.

We have to ask this. Hypothetically, what dollar amount are you willing to spend to keep yourself protected?

Okay, this is... I thought... I thought this was what's gonna... what was... Just be cool about this.

Just be cool about that. Just answer the question.

I gotta ask now, is this just for Mr. Freeze?

No.

This is for as a blanket.

Oh, no, this is I'm sorry. I knew this existed. No, this is just for Mr. Freeze. Unless you want to pay more. We do three package deals. You could get protection from three different.

Then it's got to be a no for me. Because if it's not, if it's not Freeze.

Then don't ask. Then don't ask.

Well, I thought it could be like a blanket thing. No.

No.

Okay.

But if anyone asks, this doesn't exist.

You said next Tuesday?

No, three weeks from today.

Three weeks from today.

But if you wanted to send us some money, we could get it done by Friday.

I just don't have it if I can't get the gas. That's the problem.

It's like, I got to sell the gas to get the... No, give us a call back when you know what you want, okay? Because I have a bunch of calls trying to come in.

I know what I want. Okay.

Okay, um, I'm gonna make a new animal. Um, okay, this is God, and I'm gonna make a pig. Take ten.

God. God.

Huh?

God. God. Sorry. Um, I don't want to embarrass you in front of everyone, but do you maybe want a leg?

It's just animals right now.

I know, but do you maybe want to sober up before you create more animals?

No, I'm gonna take another stab at a pig. This is pig. Take ten.

Okay, hold on. God, hold on.

Huh.

Here is a big cup of electrolytes. I just, the last few things you sent down.

Electrolytes? This is Gatorade. Just call it Gatorade. We're not going to get in trouble.

We might.

No.

We technically have a sponsorship with Powerade and you're not supposed to be drinking Gatorade. What? You made a puffer fish and I was silent. You made an anglerfish with a lightbulb coming out of its head, God.

I made a blowjob fish and I made a flashlight fish. You gave them other names. Pufferfish. Anglerfish.

Pufferfish are supposed to be blowjob fish? They're sharp, God. God. What can I say? God. God.

What? What? Carol, what?

Remember when you made a sheep?

Why did I make an ex-wife? Why was the first thing I made an ex-wife?

Oh please, the first thing you made was a wife. And then the first mistake you made.

We cut away to a far side image of a cartoon and it's a horse standing next to a zebra and they're both in a field and then the caption at the bottom is the zebra saying, technically I'm a blowjob horse. Okay, station numbers are up. It looks like, you know, the listener base has seen another 6% increase. So we're growing and we're more popular than ever. Let's move on to ad sales.

Oh. Oh, Clarissa, what's wrong?

I just have a quick question.

Yeah. Yeah.

Is it possible for employees to put out ads if we pay the money? Can we put an ad on the air?

I mean, that can sometimes be a conflict of interest, but it depends on what you are promoting. What was it you wanted to sell an ad for or buy an ad for?

Well, it's more of a plea.

OK.

I'm trying to win. I'm trying to win John back.

Oh. Oh, Clarissa. I mean, legally, our legalese department says that we could hold a contest where someone could win John back, but I think you would not be able to participate.

Yeah.

That's a conflict. Right, but can I put an ad out telling him that I miss him?

We'll table that, I think. Maybe we'll table that one because I have Rex Kanderman, the Kia dealer. He wants to do another series of ads. I think we can all agree that we can- Oh, perfect.

Yes. No, no, no. We can't have Rex and his dirty money here on the radio.

Okay, Clarissa. Yeah, I mean, we do work on a veto system, so one person can veto any ad, and I think that's- He cheats at bowling.

You go down to the bowling alley.

How do you cheat at bowling? How do you cheat at bowling? There's no way.

Exactly. You go down to the bowling alley here in Orlando. Your ex's name is on the wall. Insane.

Oh, okay, yeah, so Clarissa, I think they have a fake, like, air pin or inflatable pin bowling alley at Rex Kahneman's Kia dealer, but that's just to, like, roll the APR bowling ball to get, like, a lower rate. But that's not real bowling, and I don't think he cheats at that. Veto!

Veto, veto, veto!

Yeah, I guess, yeah, they were gonna buy $20,000 in ads and Riddle Today we're Ad sales media group?

Yeah, that's going to be a veto from me.

Okay. Can you let us know why?

I went to high school with them.

With Cape Canaveral? With Cape Canaveral.

And they bullied me. And they said, one day you'll work for a radio station and I'll buy an ad at that radio station. Okay.

You're a loser.

I'm great at science and math. That's what they said.

Okay. And you're sure you went to high school with Cape Canaveral?

Yeah. Cape Canaveral and I went to high school together.

Okay. I guess, I mean, it's a $1.79. Vito!

Vito, Vito, Vito, Vito, Vito!

Okay, next on the docket is Vito's Italian Floridian subs.

Yeah. Vito's hot subs. All the subs there have to be hot because it's hot. That's their slogan.

The subs are as hot as it is. That's going to be a Vito.

Yeah, Vito's subs. I'm saying no to these Vito subs.

Okay, yeah, I guess we can veto it.

I think substitute teachers should not be hot. That's very distracting. It's already distracting enough having your teacher out of the classroom.

Okay. Okay, I guess that works. Hey, why don't we just do some non-controversial ones? Publix, Walmart, Target, they all want to increase their ad spends. Easy, easy. What? Clarissa, Publix, Walmart, and Target? Why?

Bad, bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Here's one. I think this is as innocuous as it gets. This is an ad. This is for Thumbs Up. Now the Florida State Department wants to promote people giving thumbs up. They thought kids would enjoy it. It's better than a middle finger. So this is an ad for Thumbs Up. It's like for driving.

Of course it holds up both their arms and they're both broken. That's going to be a veto. That's gonna be a veto from me. No one signed the cast.

Okay. I guess the only thing left on the list is Clarissa's original pitch was an ad. Oh yeah, I guess there's only one thing left on the list. To win back John? To win John back?

Yeah, an ad to win back John. John's sitting at the table. Totally silent.

John, is that a veto from you or no? John, you have a veto. Hey, John's just staring off into space. Sort of a thousand yard stare. He's disassociating.

That's my baby. I guess that one goes through. Woo! Carissa, do you want to just record it real quick, I guess? John, please. Please, John.

John, please. I miss you.

I just got an espresso machine and I am making my own espresso for the first time, but it's like a thing that takes, you know, like subtle changes to the weight of your espresso and then how much, like how much liquid that you're pulling and all of that takes like fine tuning. But I'm also not one of these people that is good of like making an espresso drink and being like taking a sip and being like, this isn't right. I, you know, I'm learning. It's a learning curve. I'll just throw this away. I'm the type of person who will make a bad espresso, drink it, and then be like, now let's get to the real shit. So I've had like six bad espressos today, and I just ate a bunch of mixed nuts, and my eyes, I think, are back, if that makes sense. They were not good for like pretty much a little while, but now I'm starting to be back to like normal eyes.

I love TPC bursting into a room and saying, my eyes are back.

It's

My legs are like constantly in motion and every once in a while I will hear something on a recording I'm like, what the fuck is that? I'm like, oh, it's me just moving my legs back and forth like a fucking cricket and it's making sweet beautiful music Walking around in circles, walking around in circles, walking around in circles, yes, of course So I'm trying for my whole body to stop vibrating. I've got the eyes down. Those are no longer vibrating, but I might have... What's it called when there's like an earthquake and then there's like a mini earthquake afterwards? Half-shocks. That can't be it. So I've got... I'm just gonna call them little body vibrations that are happening after my big... Post-jiggles? My post-jiggles.

I don't know.

Guys, real quick. When we bite into these Oreos, let's all just agree to say, oh, so minty.

Yeah, these are very minty. Adal, that's such a smart idea.

And I'll be like, I can't even finish this. It's like menthol.

It's like smoking a clove cigarette.

Erin? You back? Okay. So Erin is back with the Oreos. Did the guy look dead? Don't eat the Selena Gomez ones. Not yet.

Why?

Because we have to try- I feel like these you- you hold on to- hold on to these for ten years and sell them.

I have to. They taste exactly the same. Gluten-free?

That's- that's what you're tasting.

Okay, Erin just ordered gluten-free Oreos. We're about to taste it, and it's about to taste like fucking mint because it's gluten-free. They taste exactly the same. Says the girl who thinks they taste like mint and dark chocolate!

Erin is whipping, pelting us with Oreos.

It tastes like cocoa. It has that bitter cocoa taste.

They have less, the gluten-free ones have less cream? What the fuck is going on with these?

Just taste the chocolatey part.

Okay, it's gluten-free chocolate.

And tell me, also the frosting does have a little minty kick to it.

Whoa, this is... Holy shit, that is actually very minty. This is crazy minty. There's a difference with the gluten-free and the regular. There's a difference.

Whatever's going on here, this is crazy minty. This is like super minty. It's like smoking menthols.

No, I truly, Erin, I truly, I've had Oreos in a long time. I did not know, maybe it's the gluten-free, but I did not know that they would, I mean this is like a strong mint taste. It's almost like wintergreen.

I feel like I'm getting pranked.

This is like a Tic Tac. This is honestly like, yeah, it's worse than like spearmint gum, like it's so minty.

Let the record show that I've always been with you about the dark cocoa powder flavor. Erin, are these Altoid Oreos?

Am I eating mint off the stem?

Guys, she's on to us. She's on to us. She's on to us. I got pelted with an Oreo.

Erin. Erin, I say this with love. You are one of the craziest motherfuckers I've ever met.

I fucking hate you. You're a cunt and a goof and I hate you.

You're a cunt and a goof. We don't know if that episode has come out. No, it's come out. Yeah, it's come out.

Smack Erin with a glove. You're a cunt and a goof. Crush it into dust. Take a pinky. And snort it? And snort it.

Erin, after eating this Oreo, do you think it tastes minty? You still do? I'm sorry. I feel sorry for you.

I think the frosting has a slight minty kick and I also think that the wafer part has like a cocoa dry chocolate.

I get a little cocoa. Can I have one more? I get a lot of cocoa. I'm just going to eat the cream. But I don't get any dark chocolate. I get cocoa. Oh yeah.

Yeah. It doesn't taste bitter to me at all. It tastes like cocoa powder, like you would eat from like brownie mix.

Okay, I eat just the cream, no cookie. I don't taste mint.

Am I dying?

I might have a terrible palate.

No, it must be me.

There's maybe something to the art, like the sugar they use or something that has like a sensation.

Erin, you don't have to try these, but everyone else is going to eat a Selena Gomez Oreo.

We should disclose this was an ad, right? That's unethical to say this wasn't an ad.

This whole thing. Nabisco. At the very end, just add Nabisco.

Nabisco. The Simpsons. Welcome back to W99.5 The Bog. This is Lavender Talks Love. I'm Lavender Montgomery and I take your questions on the air about love. So call in at 995-595-5599. Ooh, looks like we got our first caller. Go for Lavender. Tell me, what do you want to know about love?

Hi Lavender, big time, big time, long time.

Uh oh, are you touching yourself?

I meant long time first time. What did I say? Big time, long time?

Yeah, you're a little out of breath too.

I'm a little flustered and here's the reason. Lavender, I have been listening to your show for 13 years. Your episodes, I believe, helped sort of were the catalyst for my sexual awakening. And Lavender, I've never seen a picture of you. I can't find a single thread of information about you online. Would you please just describe yourself?

Hmm. That's so interesting. No picture of me online. Could it be that I'm a raccoon wearing sort of an 80s glamorous wig?

Pretty specific, it's probably that one.

And they didn't want to put my photo online because they didn't think a raccoon named Lavender with sort of feathered hair would have anything to say about love. I am a tall, blonde woman.

I think the raccoon was, I think that was doing more for me. Could you go back to that?

Oh, what?

Do you probably want some nasty trash? Get some nasty little trash.

Okay. I'll write your number down, but we're on air, so I'm gonna hang up now.

Okay.

Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep.

Hi, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love? Sorry, I just, uh... Are you touching yourself?

No, no, I just... I just finished a marathon.

Oh, what an honor for you to call me right after you finish a marathon. Yeah, you're sure. How long's the marathon? Uh... You're touching yourself. Next caller! Well, no. Hi, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love?

Um, I was, I was curious, um, when, if you pass a note to a girl in class and she reads it, but she doesn't write one back, is, does that mean it's over?

Oh my God. Is this Joe Biden? I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

This is a Joe Biden.

Oh, wow. An honor. Doom, doom, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Wow. Are you single? How's Jill?

How did you know that was her name? That's the girl I passed the note to in class.

Interesting. Well, give me a call back if you ever want to chat politics. Next caller. This is Lavender, what do you want to know about love?

Hey Lavender, sorry I just... Why are you out of breath? I just ran down the stairs because I wanted to use the basement phone because I'm asking a question about my wife and I didn't want my wife to overhear me in the house asking a question. So, my wife can be... She can be kind of prickly, she can snap, you know, she can be pretty testy.

Like a raccoon if you try to take garbage out of its hands.

Yeah, I guess that's one example. I guess my question is, I want to do something to kind of spice up our relationship. She can always be very cold, very still. She, you know, we don't share the same interests. I'm more like, I like to, you know, get out. I like to do things. She kind of likes to lay in the water, very still for long periods of time.

What are you referring to?

I go to work. She has a little...

Okay, you are married to an alligator. Actually, it's pretty common here in Florida. I've heard it before.

Yeah, no, I know. Just wondering how to spice up our relationship.

Buy her lingerie.

Oh, that's such lavender. You have saved my marriage. I'm gonna go buy an alligator lingerie. Thank you.

Okay, be careful out there.

I was touching myself.

Uh, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love? Hi, uh, haha.

My name is... Are you touching yourself? Mikey! Uh, is that a problem? Goofy. Is that gonna be a problem? Goofy. Oh? Yeah, I'm Goofy. Yeah, that's right. My name is Goofy.

I'm touching myself.

Okay, we'll do horrible science. Perfect. Yeah, of course. Hello everyone and welcome back to Horrible Science. I'm Dr. Blisterfingers and we're doing another episode of Horrible Science today. Today on Horrible Science, I have two of the worst children from school.

As we all know, every school sends two of their worst children to do an episode of Horrible Science with me, Dr. Blisterfingers.

They said this was a privilege.

Yeah, I thought I won an essay contest.

You all think you've won an essay contest, but think back. Did you write an essay? So that's how you know. So today on Horrible Science, we're going to be doing experiments.

Dr. Blisterfingers, you smell like whiskey.

Yes. So today's first experiment, we're going to be trying to turn potatoes into gold. Um, alchemy? Whoa! Yes! It is alchemy! A long lost ancient art that some people claim is a crock of hookery!

I think I... I mean, science is my favorite subject in school and I think you might... It doesn't show!

Did anyone bring potatoes?

I did because I thought we were doing the potato electricity thing where potatoes can be a conduit for electricity.

Huh? How?

I'll show you.

Okay.

Interesting.

This isn't one of those things like in Las Vegas where you start doing it and you're just trying to get my watch. No, I'm just- Because my watch is gone!

I think you just lost your watch, Dr. Blisterfingers.

In Las Vegas? From a con man?

Okay, well then how would we have gotten it if you lost it in Vegas?

That's what I'm saying, stupid!

Okay, I'm plugging this cord in here, this cord in here, and then look! The light bulb turned on!

What the fuck?

How did you do that? Hey, it's a science. Hey, put her down. Put her down.

Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

How did you get on the show? Let me see your report card. Okay. What is this? A, A, A-, B+, B+. Oh, it's in gym. That makes sense.

What?

Wait a second. Wait a second. Are you good kids? No.

Well, you're a really good kid. Yeah, I guess so, but... You're in the front page of that paper for saving all those dogs.

Yeah, um, but it's from a fire I started.

Yeah, that's okay. It was an accident.

That's okay. I start fires here almost every week. I said no because I thought that a truly good kid would never- Shut up.

Shut the fuck up. They're only supposed to send me bad kids to do bad science and hopefully get horribly burned to teach them a lesson about why you should be good kids so you don't have to come to doctor- Can I ask you a question, Doctor?

Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Oh, you just shot me with a paintball gun!

Ow! At close range! I keep a paintball gun under the desk! At close range! Dr. Plisterfingers, who's funding this?

Who's funding this?

Someone wants you to bring in kids and burn them?

I assume it's like PBS or something. What does PBS stand for?

You don't know who's signing your checks?

Public Public Systems or something.

I don't know who's signing my checks. Paintball.

School.

Sounds like you're just torturing kids for free.

Okay, is that so bad that I'm doing a service to the community?

But just in case any kids are tuning in and want to learn some real science- No!

No! This is a fake program for bad kids to get punished for being bad kids by being with me, Dr. Mustafi- Oh, getting kind of lightheaded.

An object in motion stays in motion.

Not because of how I'm talking, because of how much paint I've had today. Paint? Are you eating the paintballs? Oh yes, I'm eating paint. Paint's a beverage, dumbass. You drink paint.

You look like you've been also chewing on the paintball pellets.

Dumbass. If you get it dressed right, you can gush it as it's going down your esophagus and get a blast of paintball that doesn't stain your mouth.

Oh, I brought a volcano.

If you brought a volcano? Well, a model volcano. Yeah, no shit. I didn't think you brought a fuckin' frickin' damn, frickin' damn island to the radio show.

You've clearly been kissing the mirror. Because there's paint marks in a kiss form all over the mirror.

Hey, I'm not on trial here. I lost that trial and had to pay compensatory damages in the form of a television show.

I want to learn about your volcano. Show me how it works.

We're going to take a potato and we're going to turn it into gold. Get those cords out of that potato. Now out! Don't say out of me. I'm a nice man. Outside of this I'm a really nice man. Ask me how many snakes I own. We can see them.

We can see them. They're all over the place.

Wrong again dumbasses. You can't own snakes. Snakes are for everybody. One's on my foot. One's on my foot. It's swallowing me.

What do you put in your volcano to get it to erupt?

If you make that volcano erupt on one of my snakes, which are not mine, they're snakes that belong to the community, I will kill you with paintballs. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to try to make gold potatoes, okay?

Do you mean like gold russet potatoes? Like the kind of potatoes that you, like... Who's the doctor?

Meecy Youse.

I don't think you are.

Meecy Youse? Are you Jar Jar Binks? I'm at best.

I'm living my best Quote-unquote life, and this is my second act.

Your ankle monitor is beeping like crazy.

That's not an ankle monitor. That's a monitor lizard that's living on my ankle. They hate snakes.

Do not get them near a snake. Okay, fine, fine. You know what? Fine. I've lost complete control of this show. Okay, you're obviously not bad kids. You're obviously interested in science. I can't burn you. Ow!

Stop saying out. You keep shooting us with paintballs.

I get it, but you should be desensitized to the violence at this point. It's been a lot of paintballs. She's right. What do you two want to do? You want to do science?

Yes, please.

Let's do some science. Let's... Fine. You're good kids. You got good grades. Let's do good science.

Science is awesome.

I love science.

What would you like to make?

An airplane engine?

Oh boy. You know how to make an airplane engine?

That would be amazing. Yes, technically I have to make my own because I'm on a no-fly list. What'd you do?

It's racism!

Okay. My mom's waiting in the car outside. We carpooled together. You have parents? Yeah, we should go. Sure.

They usually send the orphans.

That's really dark. What? You know what? Let's drop a pin where this is. Oh, orphans don't deserve silence? So we'll be able to find it later when they ask us where this guy is staying.

Yeah, in court?

Yeah.

Oh yeah, fine. Let's all go back to court. Ow!

Ow!

You know what? I'm getting a little bit sick of all of the ows coming out of you.

Thank you for having us.

Thank you, sir. Here's a gift. We pulled our allowances and bought you this. What? Okay. Not necessary, but let me open up the... Because tomorrow's Christmas, sir. Oh my God. It's Christmas.

And on Christmas, everyone deserves a gift. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received. Mm-hmm. Is this live or dead goose? This is dead?

Mostly dead. We thought that you'd want to do the honors, sir.

Oh, I would be honored to do the honors. This is honestly very nice of you children. This is a very thoughtful gift.

Keep singing, keep singing. Look away, look away. Rebecca, look away. Well, how to follow that.

Okay, so just to go over like ground rules. I don't think anyone in the neighborhood knows that we got a pool installed. So let's just make it through the block party. Yeah, not mention it to anyone. Yeah.

And then what are you talking about that I told like, Like every kid on the block.

Fuck.

Uh, okay, Seth.

They were wondering about the noise.

You're grounded. We're ruined.

Well, no, I'm not grounded.

Jimmy, we're ruined. We're ruined, Jimmy. It's the beginning of summer. Hold on. Be on my team. Seth, you're grounded.

No! It's the beginning of summer. Dad, please.

You knew the block party kid.

I didn't tell Mom about your affair. Please.

What? I told you about this. I knew.

I knew. Ellen from work. I just wanted to act surprised for... I know. Yeah.

Yeah.

For the kid.

What? I've been crying myself to sleep. Torn up about not telling Mom.

I wish you would have asked me about it, because it wasn't an affair. It was a hall pass.

Yeah. He was getting back at me also, because I did some stuff. Do you want to hear about it?

No. Mom.

I'll tell you. She entered into a handjob contest in Kansas City.

Did you win even? No. Oh God, that's so much worse. Which is almost worse.

That's so much worse.

But if you know, if you have to know Seth, the gulf between first and second place, she never would have hit first place. Such a chasm. Such a chasm.

And can I tell you something? I'm just wondering who got first.

You've never heard of him.

Oh, it's not time for Abbott Costello.

Hey, where does he live though?

Kansas City. It was Paul Rudd.

Yeah. Go Jayhawks.

You know, I... And he's truly a Jayhawk, if you know what I'm saying.

We know Paul.

Okay, I'm definitely not grounded. You guys are the worst.

You are grounded because you told the neighborhood about the pool, which is a secret pool. You knew that the block party kicked off summer. You knew we didn't want everyone in the neighborhood in the pool. We were gonna open it quietly next week after the block party.

They're not off bounds. People are going to find out about the pool anyway. People are wandering each other's yards.

We have a fenced in yard with a lock, Seth. They were never getting in our yard.

Look in our backyard right now.

Not to dwell on the handjob contest.

Mom, I'm begging you.

I do feel like I deserve first. But what happened was I made it to finals using my left hand. And then at the finals, I go, I have a secret. And they go, what? And I go, I am not left handed. And no one enjoyed it. No one thought it was fun.

Different rounds. Well, what your mother didn't know.

Jerk. Tug. Completion jerk, completion tug. Two Z's, three Z's.

500 meter, 300 meter, 1000 meter.

Um, distance to see who could, um, yeah, to kind of shoot the farthest.

What your mother didn't know was that it was not like, oh, you have to compete and complete everything day of. The actor Paul Rudd had been doing it for weeks leading up to the contest.

So his numbers were just... So then probably all the people who were the judges were kind of like dry by then and like didn't want another handjob.

The judges aren't getting the handjobs.

Who's getting the handjobs?

Anybody. Everybody.

Then who's judging? Someone's watching someone get a handjob and judging the handjob? Watching the handjob?

Technique. Yeah, technique. Stroke pattern.

No, that's not how- you judge a handjob when you're receiving a handjob.

You're 16, Seth. You shouldn't know anything about judging a handjob. That's disgusting. You're being disgusting. You're being disgusting.

How do you know how good of a handjob it is by looking at it?

You know. When you see it, you see it. When you see it, you see it.

No, you don't know.

Have you ever seen Eight and a Half?

Fellini?

Yeah. The first time I saw it, I said, that's cinema. Before it's like I watched Three Ninjas and Three Ninjas Strike Back, but then I saw... What does this have to do with handjobs? I'm saying it's a feeling you get. Like when I saw Eight and a Half... Yeah, that's a feeling that you're experiencing. It washed over me and I said, that's... Phil.

I would never say someone is great at handjobs if I've only ever seen, watched them give handjobs and not received their handjobs. I can, half the neighborhood's in our pool. Look at the pool.

Oh my god, Seth, you are so grounded. You are grounded. If in two years you want to enter, that's fine. But until then, you will respect that your mom is reigning runner up.

Not until you're 21, but you can enter as a receiver when you're 18.

No! Wait, that's stupid. You should be able to do both if you're at the same age.

No, it's a brain development thing. You would think both.

It's a brain development thing!

Yes, your brain is not fully developed until you're 25.

You can't do shot put and the 100 sprint, right? Different body builds. Same with your mom. Look at my forearms.

Your mom's barred from entry.

Wait, then how'd she get second?

After you compete once, you are barred from competing in future contests.

Well then how do you know that you're good at it?

Paul Rudd tells you. Paul Rudd tells you. And he doesn't lie. I'm gonna go swim. You are not gonna swim. Seth, you're grounded. I bet the whole neighborhood didn't even wash their feet before they got in the pool, which is the number one rule of using a community pool.

You guys are disgusting. Why do you care? We are... How are we disgusting?

Celebrating the beautiful connection between a hand and a penis.

Mom, I thought you were a bodybuilder.

I didn't even... I didn't even have anything to do with the handjob contest.

I... How do I get out of the scene?

...had sex with a woman from work. Scene? Honey, life is not a scene.

It's a hall pass. Look at my baby forearm. Scene! Honey, look. Stop yelling.

You're causing a scene. Hey, I'm Greg Blueberries, and this is the Homeowners Hotline, the only call-in advice show for homeowners by one homeowner to help you with all that is going wrong or maybe going right in your home. Looks like the switchboard is lighting up. Say your name and where you're from. Uh, yeah, my name is, uh, Mike, uh, Sullivan, and, um... Ooh, no last names, Mike. You know what? Don't say where you're from. Just be Mike Sullivan.

417 East... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay. Okay. Uh, just a quick reminder. So we had to let go of Mike. Just say, like, you could say, like, for me, I would say Greg in Minnesota. Um, and that would be how I would identify myself. If you do anything more... How to say it? Bad people listen to this show. There are bad people everywhere. And some would say that there are no evil people, but I've been doing this show for 10 years and I know for a fact that is wrong. Evil exists. It lives in men's hearts. And we can't stop them from watching the show. So they will find you if you tell them who you are and where you are. But I can't have a conversation with you person to person if I don't know your name and a little something about you. So we're going to take more calls. Just say your name and where you're from.

My name is Mike Sullivan.

No, Mike, you're dead. You're already gone. They already have enough for you, Mike. We could leave Mike on the line and we could all listen to Mike die. If you want to hear a man die on the phone, because that's how fucking dead Mike is. I'm sorry. Phone board lights up. I'm sorry. Again. This is, I'm Craig Blueberry. This is a homeowner advice show. That's all it is. Let's go to the next call. Your name and where you're from.

Hey Greg, we're on the way to Mike. We're about a minute out. Thank you, Greggy baby.

Why do you do it? Why do you do it? Listen to any other show.

I said, oh, oh, also, while I have ya, should I get like flood insurance? It only happens like once.

If you live in a floodplain area, yes, it could happen.

No, we had a pipe freeze, and then it flooded.

No, if it's just a pipe freezing issue, I think just take care of the pipes, and that'll clear up the issue. Ah, we're here. Time to kill Mike. Well, don't do it now. He's there. Mike, how are you still on the line?

I'm not. I'm at my door. Who's talking? We got a special delivery.

All right, off, off, off. We're not going to listen to another man die, okay? Hey, here's the good news. They've killed. They've already killed tonight. They usually don't do it more than once in a night, so... Let's just keep OPSEC, okay? Let's keep that in mind when I take the next call. Let's do name, let's do where you're from, and let's do no information. Just information about the house and the problem, okay? I don't want to have any other... People die because of me. Not that it's because of me. Greg Blueberry is not sending these men. I do not control them. I'm not activating them in any way. Let's take one more call.

Hey, my name is Joey Buttholes. Um, I'm a little panicked. I live right next door to my- No!

No! No! Joey's gone.

If you're listening and you live next to Mike... I'm not gone, Joey, are you home?

Is my button not working at all tonight? He's there.

A special delivery.

Joey, weren't you panicked today? Ooh, a special delivery. Joey. Come right in. Joey was always gone. He was never gonna make it. I'm surprised he made it this long. If you live in that neighborhood, go to your basement right now. Stop watching the show, wherever that is, and please, God, don't tell me where it is. Just stop watching the show. Let's take a call from literally anywhere else in the country, okay? Let's just do a call. You know what? I'm breaking my own rule because the show started off so rocky tonight. Tell me nothing about your life. Just tell me about your problem. Next caller, let's go. What is the homeowner advice that you need, caller?

Hi, I'm Faith Nielsen. I live two doors down from Mike and I don't have a basement. Should I get one? Should I hide in my attic? What do you think I should do? I'm Faith Sullivan. Tell her the attic.

Faith, you could get in the fastest car known to man and start driving now and nothing would save you. There is a reckoning coming for you, Faith, because you, Faith, cannot listen to simple instructions.

Craig Blueberry, you always cause so much chaos around this town. You've caused like a million deaths. It's crazy. Why are you still on the air?

I don't want to do this, okay?

Do you want to know my social security number?

Faith. Faith, I do not. Here's my dilemma, folks. If I stop doing the show, people's houses go to shit. People do not know how to maintain their houses without Greg Blueberry. If I keep doing the show, some people die. It's like if you have a button, and you press the button, someone somewhere in the world dies. But if you keep doing the show, people's little household projects get fixed. Alright, let's take another call. Next caller on the line? Uh, yeah, I have a problem with my home. Okay, please, let's launch into this.

Uh, my name's... my initials are R.T.

That's all we need.

And I just want to make sure I'm talking to Greg Blueberry at 2011 West Irving Park.

Greggy boy, knock, knock, knock. A special delivery. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

You don't understand what you've done. They can't kill me.

A knock, knock, knock.

I'm the one man they need to keep alive. Because no one else will sit behind this desk and send them out into the world.

Shoots a bow and arrow through your neck. Both. Both through your neck.

That's impressive. See ya.

I already parodied the music. Bogo Creek.

Hey there, Chat Rs and Boxes. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chatterbox where we answer your questions from the Discord. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.