Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

It's beginning to look a lot like Best of.

Best of.

All the clips from this year. A little bit JPC, a little bit Aaron C, and Adal's there and Casey as well.

And Erin, thank you so much for taking my last name.

Of course. That's what good husbands do. Wait, what happened this year?

You're Aaron P.C. now. Yeah, you're Aaron P.C., isn't that beautiful?

I called you Aaron C. Aaron Plain Comedy. I love it. I love it, you guys. Well, we done did it again. We did a whole year of riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, plus all the Patreon episodes. And we all lived to tell the tale. How does everyone feel?

You know what? I think this year was the best year yet.

And next year will be even better. Oh.

It's easy to know if I'm lying by listening to all the best ofs, you know, kind of like back to back because they're out there now and being like, well, this one, obviously this year is kind of, you can do your own ordering. But to me, this year was the best year yet.

And you might think it was a B-minus year comparatively to our other years. And we'll say, we'll do better next year.

Yeah, we'll get them next year, Tiger.

We'll get them next year.

Should we do a best of the best of?

I actually would love to do that. I want to put together an episode of all the times we've laughed the hardest, which I know is self-indulgent, but I want it just for myself. When I'm 90, I can listen back to all the times we've laughed the hardest.

Oh, I think, so for what Adal was saying, if we have Maybe five minutes of us doing like a bumper for the best of every year. And then if we do what, 10 years, that's 50 minutes. So we have to do about 10 years of this. And then we can do a Best of the Best of Bumpers compilation. And by compilation, I mean we use the whole five minutes. So I guess we have to do 20 years. If we do about 20 years, no, there's two best ofs. So it's like five each. Yeah. Okay. Ten years. So meet back here in 10 years.

Wait, did you guys do something worse than what I did?

I don't know.

Alright, well.

Wait, what did you do?

What did you do?

Oh, that's great. That's a fun thing. On the count of three, let's all say the worst thing we did this year.

One, two, three. Backed over a bald eagle. Stole $40,000 at JPC. What did you say?

I said backed over a bald eagle.

I didn't say anything. Well, everybody, Merry Christmas Eve. I think that's one that's coming out or you're in that weird interim between Christmas and New Year's, in which case, muah muah muah, kiss kiss kiss, love love love.

Bang bang bang.

Go eat cookies for breakfast and play video games for 18 hours. We love you.

And we hope that you enjoy some of the best clips of Hey Riddle Riddle all year.

Bon appétit. Adal, can you say bon appétit? Bon appétit. There you go.

I've got that bon appétit to pick with you. I watched Star Wars Episode 1 recently, and after the credits hit, there's like a big, like, you know, explainer text that comes up. It's the Star Wars crawl, but it just is like, Jake Lloyd's parents were actually a lot, and it's not really his fault, because most of what you see on screen is like projections from what his parents were kind of making. There's a reason Bacali Calkin doesn't act much anymore. I'm sitting there watching, and I go, yeah. I like this movie a little better. And then at the end it goes, Jerjer Banks! Huh. Well, that one got away from us.

If someone's bored at work right now and you know how to make that Star Wars scroll, can you please put what JPC said verbatim?

There's gotta be some easy way to make this. I love, in the credits, it's like... I would fucking die. The movie's not even released yet, and they say, Jar Jar Binks, ooh, that one got away from us. And it's like, there's still time. If you could put this crawler on.

A galaxy at war. The Imperial Trade Federation is blockading the planet of Naboo. Also on Naboo, Jar Jar Binks. Now, hold on. Because, now, the actor who plays him is black. Not that it matters. You're sitting there, it's 1999, you're watching the scroll and you're like, oh, this is going to be the worst movie I've ever seen.

This is going on way too long.

Some of these aliens look like a certain race, but we didn't mean for that.

So anyways, enjoy the film.

So anyway, enjoy the film. Oh, and this is Hey Riddle Riddle.

Erin, please Google, do sharks fart.

Erin, go ahead and Google, do sharks fart. Most sharks do not fart. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

But sand tiger sharks... One shark.

One shark. He's throwing off all the data.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Adal's dead. This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

They are calling out one shark.

Casey loves it too. That's so embarrassing. I would be so embarrassed if I was... It feels like the answer is also written by sharks.

Do sharks fart?

Most sharks don't. And then whoever, whatever shark said that turned their head to look at like Kyle to look at like one shark specifically.

Famously can't turn their head. Turn their whole body. It's not subtle at all. They turn their whole ass body to look at one shark. One-star reviews do truly tell you the most information, but never about the thing that they're reviewing. They just tell you about like, because you have to be pretty mad to write a one-star review, right? No one just is like, offhandedly, yeah, they think about it like a week later and you're like, you know what? That was a one-star experience. And reading like one star reviews of gas stations is so fun because it's like, you are so bothered because everyone has to use a gas station. And you really don't like, the only thing that people do is like, hey, I'm out of gas, I have to go or like, hey, what's the best price? But never will people read a review of a gas station and be like, yeah, it sounds like this guy had a really bad experience with a candy bar here. Maybe we don't want to steer clear of this shell.

Are there any five star reviews of gas stations?

I'm sure there's one.

Yeah, I mean, because civilization is done. We have reached, Fukuyama is the end of history. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to do but, like, enjoy your miserable existence and write fives or reviews of gas stations.

It's funny to me of, like, whenever people write reviews and complain about the bathroom of gas stations, where it's like, the only thing that's happening in those bathrooms is emergency shits. And everyone's partook in that. No one is innocent in this regard.

I wouldn't know what you're talking about.

If you had a job, let's say a thought experiment. You have a job and the job is to clean up bathrooms after people take emergency shits. What do you think that job deserves to be paid? Because for me, it's like six figures minimum. So if you're complaining that a bathroom at a gas station is disgusting, it's because that job that no one would do isn't being done because they're not paying someone to do it. Agreed.

You guys, I'm reading some 5-star reviews of gas stations and they're actually kind of warming my heart. These are lovely.

Great gas?

Pumped well? How do you compliment a gas station? Are you in L.A. though? Are you searching for gas stations in L.A.?

Yeah.

Because this is just a town of aspiring writers. These are just people. These are just the most insane, deranged people on the planet trying to get their screenplay out there. It's like, hey, exterior gas station.

Yeah, I was just about to say that.

I was just about to say that. Oh my God.

Exterior gas station night.

We open on a 22-year-old's perky tits.

Can I tell you something, Adal, about that dream? Yeah. So normally, if a friend told me they had a premonition dream about me being pregnant, I'd be like, oh, fuck, am I pregnant? But guess what? And this is a little bit of an overshare, but maybe it's relatable. But literally, 10 minutes ago, I felt myself get my period. So actually, We are in the clear. If everybody wants to go back to exactly 10 minutes ago, and I guess I'm at the year where I'm telling people when I'm getting my period. But if we want to go exactly, I think it like, yeah, about 10-11 minutes ago, I went up. And you know that feeling if you're a person who gets their period, you go up.

Casey, can you pinpoint that moment and put like a bell chime, like a ding?

Yeah, put a bell chime. Put a bell chime. And so guys, that's what the bell chime was. Holy shit. I'm actually, I'm actually glad that this is happening.

Erin, you are a mermaid. I love it. JPC is like on the shore of the ocean, kind of like just walking along, and you are in the ocean trying to flirt with him as he's walking along as a mermaid, but the ocean is just absolutely pounding your ass.

Uh, yoo-hoo.

Hello? Is there someone there? I was having a tranquil morning walk.

Someone's here.

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

No, no, please! I live in the water, if you could... Oh my goodness!

Help me, help me, help me, help me!

Oh my, it's a woman with the lower half of a fish or sea creature of some sort. She's both graceful and incredibly not.

Hello, if you come in here for a tranquil swim, I could perhaps give you a kiiiid?

There's a... Oh, look out for that buoy! Ow!

Ooh! Ooh, it knocked the wind out of me!

There's a wind advisory today. It's very, it's very rough water.

Oh, I have, I have, I have, I have... There's a bay.

I'm seasick. There's a bay like a little ways down. If you could, if you could make it to the bay, that's, it's, it's calmer in there.

Ah, yeah, I don't look as majestic in the bay.

You- I'm sorry, but you don't look- you don't look at- Just go under the waves!

Hold on, hold on! Shark! Shark! Shark! Oh no, please no, not now. I just saw so much speed-

I scared my dog.

I hope it's worth it. It should be. It will be. And it shall be.

Adal, you're a guy named Pete, and you're lending JPC money for the last time. This is his last straw.

All right, here you go. This is $8,000 cash and I want you to know. Yep. I expect it paid in full in 30 days. Yes. And this is the last time.

And, and, and please just whatever you do, don't tell my sister because I, I thank you for letting me, you know, meet you at your job. Um, but this is the last time I just don't, I don't need it to hear from her. Um, well she's in the kitchen of course.

You're my brother-in-law, I'd do anything for you, but this ends now. So I guess, I'd do anything for you up until just now, and now there's a limit.

Is it 30 calendar days to pay you back?

She's coming, she's coming, she's coming.

Hey Carol. You know I won't suck your dick?

Whoa, what's happening?

Carol! What the hell? Your husband just gave me $8,000 to suck his dick.

Oh my god, did you? No, sweetie, what are you- Strike three.

Shit, I've done this two times before. I did this two times before.

Three. Strike. Three.

Sweetie, come on, give me... Strike.

Today we're

I earned this.

You sucked his dick?

I already did, a little bit.

Oh my god! You both are just as bad as each other. Why are you mad at me? You sucked his dick for $8,000. My husband. My own brother.

That's my job.

I know, I know.

My job is to do that. Here's the crazy thing. I don't even know if $8,000 is a deal or not. I don't know the going rate.

Yeah, right. You don't know the going rate, Mr. Strike 3. You don't know the going rate.

You know what? Here's what I'll do. I'll take half. That's fair. I'll take half.

And I'll take the other half. That's fair.

And she'll take the other half. That's fair. What? Pete. Pete. Get out of here, Pete. Why don't you go and think about this? Strike 3 Pete. Strike 3 Pete. Go to the other room and think about this. Okay, how many more times do you think we could do this? Three? Florida's invasive herpes monkeys can now be found from Jacksonville to Tampa.

Hold on.

Silver Springs State Park has been home to a large troop of invasive STD-carrying monkeys for almost a century, but now sightings are becoming more frequent in Florida cities hundreds of miles from the park. According to a new report from First Coast News, the population of rhesus macaques... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I think we just need to let this wash over us, Adal. I think we deserve this kind of joy, and I think instead of fighting it, let's just give in.

That sounds like... It sounds like the comeback of like a seven-year-old of like... Yeah. Yep. Like, do you want some Reese's? And the kid's like, Reese's is my... And then the whole lunch table is like, yeah!

has expanded considerably over the years and the monkeys are now being spotted in northern cities like St. John's, St. Augustine, Palatka, Wallachia, and Elkton, and as far south as Apopka and Tampa.

What's up guys.

It was called Colonel Tooey's Jungle Cruise in the 1930s. And a survey performed in 2018 found that Silver Springs Troop now consists of roughly 300 monkeys and 25% of that population carries herpes.

Can someone check Colonel Tooey for STDs? Oh, interesting.

Yeah, Colonel Tui probably wasn't the name of a monkey. It was probably the man who ran the cruise.

Yeah, and can we check his... Can we check his hard drives?

Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene. Erin, you are a rhesus macaque monkey, and you found out you have an STD, and you're calling your past partners.

Don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up

Can I get a banana martini, please? Thank you.

Yep.

Let me get that. Huh? Jake, let me get that.

Uh, okay.

Yeah, a beautiful lady like you shouldn't be paying for her own banana martini. Let me, please, put on my tab, Jake.

Jake, I'll be, uh, dude, you gotta pay in money this time.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No. Yeah, put on my tab. Yeah, I'm good for it. I'm good for it. Okay, whatever, man. I'm good for a lot of things, pretty lady.

Well, Jake as in Greasy Jake? Are you Greasy Jake?

So, I wasn't saying my own name, I was talking to Jake the bartender.

Wait, what are people calling me?

Nothing, nothing, doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

What's your name? Oh my god! Ugh! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Take a shower. Take one shower and we will stop.

You don't think I've tried?

I don't think so. No, I don't think you've tried. Greasy Jake, are you telling me you are a daily showerer?

I'll be in the back if anyone needs anything.

There's no shower back there so there's... My name's Saltines. What's your name?

Saltines! It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Mr. Banana Pop. Oh no. Oh, so you've heard of me. Oh no, I have to go.

I need to go.

Greasy Jake just left. We have this whole bottle to ourselves. I can kind of reach my prehensile tail over the bar and grab whatever bottle you like.

Bottle smashes on the ground.

Okay, so I can only lift like half a pound and these bottles are heavy. These are handles. You said your name was Saltine.

Yeah, forget I said that. Have a good night.

Well, I'm about to have a good night if maybe I could talk to you for a little while.

Do these names sound familiar? Sarah. Lil Lisa. Oh, fuck. Melinda Bonkers. These are all of my friends who have slept with you. Unbeknownst, they didn't know that everyone else, they didn't know how much you were getting around, okay? And you broke their hearts.

Well, getting aroused, more like it. Look, Mr. Banana Pop is a lover, not a fighter, okay? They all had a pretty good time, you know, if you ask them. Now, did they like the fact that they all slept with me? Maybe not. But individually, during the act, they were all having a lot of fun.

I think, um, throw us the martini in your face.

Gulp. Let me ask you a question. He caught that in one... I've had a lot of drinks thrown in my face. That was unbelievable. I've had a lot of practice. Oh no, don't be embarrassed, Saltines, don't be embarrassed. Saltine, have you ever had every grain of salt licked off your cracker, if you know what I'm saying? I don't know.

We cut to them in bed the next morning.

Oh my god, I hate myself.

I guess I probably should have said at the bar, but I have an STD. You piece of shit. Oh, let me finish. First drink in your face. Gulp. A saltine-tasting deficiency, because I gotta get a little more saltine. No, but I do have a monkey disease. Alright everybody, gather around, gather around. Good stuff out there, I would say, um, in the first act.

Lotus position?

What's that?

Should we be in lotus?

Yeah, uh, and Brian, go ahead and just let us know what you think lotus position is.

Put my head by my feet?

No, uh, incorrect. Brian, no, Brian, that's, that's more of like a yoga position.

Hey guys! Yeah, what if we all just broke the joint and went and got root beer floats? That sounds pretty good after...

Uh, Kelly, I love that. We might be doing that after the game, but for now, even though we're still down six points, let's try to, like, just do our best to play Ultimate Frisbee.

Oh, we're in the middle of a game.

Yeah, yeah. So, a real quick reminder of how Ultimate Frisbee works. You're allowed to move when you don't have the Frisbee. You only have to be standing still when you have the Frisbee.

Wow. Well, the path to enlightenment is moving with or without the Frisbee.

Ryan, I don't know what that means, but it can't have anything to do with Ultimate Frisbee, right?

I gotta admit, when she said smoke weed and get a root beer float, I already started smoking.

Yeah, no, yeah, I can see that. So, basically what we're doing right now, and I love it, is we're all standing at the goal line, smoking weed, and drinking root beer.

And reading Howard Zinn.

Yeah, I have seen, Brian, I have seen you. That's a big book, too. People's History of the United States, that's a pretty big book. For a game of Ultimate Frisbee. Pretty big history.

Coleman, can you remind us of the stakes of this? It's just us playing another dorm, right?

Yeah, just an eight-year-old.

We're playing East Hall.

Yeah, we're just playing East Hall. Um, well, here's the thing. I guess there are no stakes.

That's good, because we're vegans.

Well, we're all having root beer floats. So I don't know how vegan we are, huh? What do you mean? That's- Ice cream is dairy and that- What? Huh? I actually- I knew about this earlier and I didn't want to introduce a whole thing that was gonna make us not focus on the fact that we're not playing Ultimate Frisbee. And it's fine if no one wants to play Ultimate Frisbee, but this is like a volunteer thing. So if you don't want to play the game, like you don't have to be here.

No, I like- I like Frisbee.

I like Frisbee.

We should play. We should get a group together, and we should play.

Oh, that would be amazing. That's truly what this is.

Yeah, we could get a group together, and maybe it's like all of us in West Hall, and then we could like- We play East Hall. Like East Hall and North Hall and South Hall. And then there's like a tournament every year, and whoever wins the tournament gets a trophy. We should put something like that together.

We should put something like that together.

Yeah. I'm gonna run over and pitch the idea to the East Hall guys. You guys, hang out. Hang out real quick. I'm just gonna run over and pitch the idea to the East Hall guys. Hey guys, we're gonna forfeit again.

Good news, because we are high over here.

But we did have an idea. What if we... Nah, I'm all good on ideas.

Yeah, we get a bunch of people together.

Nah, I'm all good. See? See? Well, the scene that I want to see has now changed. I want to see JPC as someone on a tour at Graceland who just wants to see the bathroom. Can we go back to the bathroom? I actually don't want to see this scene.

Oh, wait. No, Adal, I want to do that scene you just set up. You're both on the tour, ready? Here we go. Elvis obviously didn't get to spend too much of his life here because he was always on the road traveling and then obviously he's really associated with- If we have to use the bathroom on the tour, can we go upstairs? Sorry?

If we have to use the bathroom on the tour, can we go upstairs? If someone has to go to the bathroom really, really bad upstairs, can we go upstairs?

We have our bathrooms right by the entrance.

They're full. That's not the one he died on though, right?

No, also-

Excuse me one second, I have to go behind this door.

Sir, you can't- Sir, you can't do that.

Sir, put on clothes. Sir.

Sir. Sir. He can't do the voice if he's wearing clothes. It's kind of like a... It's an image thing. It's kind of like Dumbo's feather.

What?

It's kind of like Dumbo's feathers.

You're sneaking like a cartoon character up the stairs? Other guy? Me? Yes. Stop.

Don't perceive me.

No, you think that this is my first rodeo? You think this is my first rodeo? You think that there's not freaks like you coming in here every day trying to use that toilet? We'll have three security guards.

I'm sure there's not freaks that work as a team. Hi-ya!

Erin, are you happy we saw this scene?

Yes!

The two of you are snakes and you are in the studio about to lay down your first album. I'm getting a lot of feedback in the mic.

That might be a mic issue. Are you sure it's us?

It's a mic issue.

Yeah, it is you, okay, and we are recording.

Where are you?

She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. How come?

Does charged mean charged with a crime or is it like a battery? Okay.

Yes, and this is almost like I've This is such a dumb riddle. This is like when people call their boat like oh, she's a butte So this is a man-made thing being an object.

Yes.

Yeah historical think historically responsible for a lot of deaths and and and

Can you read it again?

Is this the fucking Titanic again? No. She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. So this is something where when you see it, you're like, yeah, of course it's responsible for death. Like, no fucking duh. Not like when you see a rat and you're like, oh, what a weird little creature.

She was a guillotine.

Erin, she was Madame Guillotine, the devil's invention of Joseph Guillotine that was used in France to execute people.

We gendered a guillotine and decided it's a woman? Absolutely not.

I guess they called it Madam Guillotine?

Oh, interesting.

Was the guy single? This is my wife, Madam Guillotine.

I hope that that's the cruel nickname my exes have given me.

Madam Guillotine.

Madam Guillotine.

Erin, you are going to be- I want to see a scene. Erin, you're going to be playing a woman. Again? All right, yeah, let's mix it up. Okay, Erin, you're gonna be playing a kaiju.

Hey, Ringo, do you have a minute?

Oh, yeah, I was just staring at my drumsticks trying to see if I could get some inspiration. Yeah, I, um... What about like, dum-ba-da-dum-ba-bum-dum-bum-bum? Hey, oh, you don't come to me. I should have written it down. Uh, Ringo, I... How would you write down a drum sound?

What would that even look like? I feel like that famously people can write down drum parts.

Can they?

Yeah. Ringo, um... Wait, there's like sheet music for drums. Yeah, there is.

Oh boy.

I'm gonna just pull up the chair.

I guess I've got a lot to learn. Huh? Next to you. Hey.

So, I would consider our... That's a chair!

Oh God. Oh, I thought that was a drum.

Ringo, honey, focus. I've been playing it like a hi-hat. Look at me. Look at me. Hey, you're here. There we go. Yay, look at me. Yes. I would consider... How long have you been here?

What's that?

Several minutes. I consider our love story sort of like a sweeping, beautiful love story. We're really in love. You'd agree, yeah?

I'd agree, yes. I'd say we're in love.

Um, I noticed your new album came out. And the song... The Beatles! Yeah, the Beatles, buddy. Yeah, you're a Beatle, buddy. I'm one of the members. Yeah, you're in the fourth one, bud. Yeah, it's really cool, huh?

They said it's not about who's one, two, three, or four.

You're four. You're for sure four.

They just said it's all four of us.

Yeah, yeah, but you're four. And that's okay.

Where am I on the position on the album cover where we're all walking across the road?

Today we're Hey Riddle Well here's what's not funny is that we simply must do riddles.

I love doing riddles. It's like one of my favorite jobs.

A man appears in hundreds of family photos. He is not closely related to anyone else in the photo, and almost all the families don't even know his name. Nevertheless, they still keep the photos in frames and scrapbooks. He is not hidden in any way, and it is, in fact, the central element of these photos.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting, tingling.

That's right, it's Billie Holiday. This man is the Slender Man.

He's in all your photos.

Me and the Slender Man. Armored around his shoulder.

He went to summer camp with the Slender Man.

Yeah, his name's Greg. Solid dude. He was just a svelte man, right? He gets a bad rap because he told three kids to go kill somebody with hammers or whatever, but he's a solid dude. Yeah. He never killed nobody with hammers. He was at your wedding. He was at my wedding.

Santy Claus.

Erin, you're correct. It's Santa Claus, specifically a mall Santa, just because we say nobody knows his name. Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene. Yeah. Adal, you are a mall Santa, and JPC is a kid that has been here at least four or five times this season, and you think enough is enough.

Ho, ho, ho. Come on up. Welcome back to

So I've been body shaming my dad all day to get him to come back to the mall to buy a new suit.

He pans over to the dad, and the dad's looking at his reflection and sort of pulling at his clothes because they all of a sudden feel like they fit wrong.

Because he didn't want to bring me back here to do Santa again, but now I am back here.

Ooh, you're an intense little boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I am. Okay. You're the same guy, right? Santa's always Santa. Smell like Paul Mauls and old whiskey. Paul malls. You think I smoke Paul balls? I don't know what you're dealing with. Your dude's pulling in $3.50 a day for mall santing and you think I smoke Paul malls? $3.50 a day? Oh yeah. And the tail? The moms? Do you know how many single moms want to come sit on Santa's lap?

It pans to a mom and she's adjusting her clothes but sort of in like a confident, I can't wait to see him kind of way.

Hey man, the next two words out of your mouth better be switch to and then for you, Jeffrey. So that's five words, okay?

I wanna switch to. Oh, I have two words for you. Get fucked.

Oh, I'm gonna get fucked. Oh yeah? Maybe I pay Mrs. Claus a visit. Oh, oh yeah?

You think we're together? Well, I don't know. You think I'm with her?

I haven't really learned your mythology.

She doesn't leave the house. She's a hermit.

How could I hurt you?

We haven't slept in the same room in 400 years.

Maybe I go out to the parking lot.

Oh? Find one of your reindeer. Oh? Cook him up and eat him. You're gonna eat and cook a Toyota Tercel? Because that's what I came here on. You think I have reindeer? You just told me to make a model of your car, dumbass. Sold them for meat. Sold the deers for meat. Hold on. Are you- is that a threat? Yeah, it's a threat.

Is that a threat?

If I don't get my- Hey Toby? Toby! Ho ho ho! Yeah, what's up? Hey, I got a kid threatening me. He wants to make a model of my car.

Okay, you fucked my mom last night, so I guess you're on your own.

Well, that bonds us, right?

I told you. No, dude. We were getting a beer. You're asking about my car.

Don't tell anyone about that. How old's Toby?

Seventeen.

Well, oh boy, oh boy.

He wasn't sexual, he was just buying me a beer.

Oh boy, don't say it's not sexual.

It wasn't, he fucked my mom.

Don't say it's not sexual. I think it's the beer thing. I don't think Toby, well.

We don't even, we shouldn't even be safe.

We shared a six-pack of beer, we were throwing rocks at the mall.

I'm ruined.

And then he fucked my mom. Oh, I'm ruined.

There's nothing wrong.

It's not weird, he just fucked my mom.

Oh, I'm ruined. Toby, nobody's saying that there's anything wrong with that.

And real quick, A lot of kids ask, I had nothing to do with those Christmas time Kevin Spacey videos. You know when he dressed up like the guy from... You know how every Christmas... Why do you talk about this so much?

I'm saying... I'm saying I didn't. I'm saying I didn't. You talk about it a lot for someone who didn't. I associate with you because you talk about it so much.

Who?

Who? Don't, don't look it up.

You gave a kid, okay, you gave a kid beer. You pull $3.50 a week, that means in two weeks you can buy me a Switch package. Switch 2, Switch 2.

Well, no, because they're all out of stock.

Get that kid a Switch 2 or I tell everybody about the beer and the mom. That's... I'd have to buy it on, like, Bakari for, like, $6.75.

Steal it, motherfucker.

You drive a nice car.

Santa doesn't steal. I don't know if you know anything about cars, Toby, but that's not a nice car. That's a car they haven't made in 30 years.

Well, because they got it right the first time.

How did my mom fuck you, man? You're a loser.

She's a woman with agency, Toby. I mean, nobody forced her to fuck. Well, don't say that.

I say nobody did. Listen, I'm gonna head out. No, your ship just started. You can't. You can't. Hey everyone, hey kids, everyone gets what they want.

You can't just say I'm gonna head out.

Let's do a big group photo. Let's do a big group one.

All the kids are sort of adjusting their clothes for the group photo.

I've been getting to work on all these motherfuckers in line. I know exactly how.

All the kids are going like this. You didn't want to live in that another 40 minutes, Adal?

I mean, I could've.

17.

Erin saying 17 completely fucks Adal.

Sorry, Adal. It's fake, though, so that's good. It's fake. It's fake.

Well, you shouldn't have to say that. Please.

When Gertrude entered the plane, she caused her own death and the deaths of 200 people, yet she was never blamed or criticized for her actions. What happened?

Gertrude's a kaiju? Yeah, kaiju.

Godzilla type?

Not this time.

Gertrude is like a Mr. Magoo-ass pilot.

Ass pilot?

Oh, is this my sandwich?

Is Gertrude like a duck or like a goose or something?

Ooh. Yeah, went to the engines?

Yes! Gertrude a goose had been sucked into the jet engine. I would like to say that.

But wait, wait, wait. Before we see a scene, did it not also say that nobody blamed Gertrude for it?

Well, dead people don't blame.

If anything, they murdered a goose in its own home.

That's true. You're in the goose's house. Yeah. I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you're a goose who brought down a whole plane and you're drinking at a bar and Adal, you are one of the family members of someone who's on that plane and you recognize him at the bar and you go to confront him.

Yeah, so we've been doing okay, but it's... Can I get another four goose fingers over here? Oh my God. Don't look, don't look, don't look.

Who is it?

Naked.

That's fucking him, isn't it?

That's one of the geese.

You should say something. He's counting on you not saying something. He's counting on you being too polite.

This is good.

What is this? This is well. This is good.

Carol hated when I was confrontational. Go, go. But you know what? She's gone now. You're gonna regret not doing this. Excuse me, excuse me. Hi. Oh. Honk. Honk, I guess. Oh, what the fuck?

Honk honk. Huh? What the fuck? That's our word. That's our word. Hold on. You're the... I'm not the bad one here. Oh yeah? You just walked up to a goose and said, honk honk.

Hey gentlemen, take it outside if you're gonna fight, okay?

Yeah, let's go outside. Let's go outside.

I'm actually, that's actually where I live and I'm not ready to go home yet.

Well, that's actually where I fight. That's where I work. So let me take off my jacket here, Canadian down. What the fuck? Canadian goose coat here. Goose feathers in the lining.

Everything I buy now is goose feathers. You're wearing a goose feather jacket around me?

Yeah, that's right.

Thank you. I got paid huge money for that.

What?

We're very well paid to put those feathers... That kills us?

Yeah, feathers are like your skin or something. Come on!

Nah, man. Feathers are not like our skin.

So this is like when I get the sperm sample?

Tell him that he's... Tell him it's his fault. The plane.

Tell him. It's your... Hey. What's your woman saying? No, I have an index card for this exact moment. I knew this day would come. Webster's Dictionary defines revenge as... Hey, man.

Huh? If your chick has something to say to me, hard hog, she can say it to me.

Oh, um, Carol?

Punches goose in the face.

Joke's on you, man. You hit beak. Your hand's a mess.

Oh, let me try to hit you right in the stomach like Houdini.

Whoa, three eggs came out.

I'm a male goose. Oh, those are testicles.

Oh no! Scene. The doctor said, if it doesn't feel better by two's blank, kuh, to the pharmacy for more painkillers. Dagobah.

Day.

Dagobah.

Dagobah. Me say Dagobah.

It is Dagobah. Dagobah. Can anyone tell me what the biome on Dagobah is?

That's Swampland.

Swampland.

Yoda's a little swamp frog.

Yoda's a little swamp frog. I knew that one. It's easy.

I do want to see a scene.

Is he from there?

I think he just, like, hid there, right?

I think he lives in the swamp. Yeah, he's a swamp guy.

I think he's embarrassed, and he's like, just visiting, I am. Not my home, this is.

Clearing mugs. Yoda, I just saw a pillow in it.

No, see, nothing you did. No throw pillows here. Brought these postcards on fridge from home, I did. Do this while traveling.

Yoda, I just saw a frog in lingerie hop away. No, no lingerie in frog. I do want to see a scene. Yes. Erin, you are a... What is Yoda?

Whatever that is.

They've never said. A lot of Star Wars aliens have names, but like Yoda is just a Yoda type alien, basically.

Yeah, Erin, you're a Yoda type and you're on Dagobah and JPC is just sort of a random traveler whose ship broke down and you're going to interact with him.

Well, great. I don't think there's anything on this star system and I just can't fix the ship myself.

Oh, hello? Excuse me?

Adal, you can't be laughing at how bad I am at this.

Hello? Did someone say something? Excuse me? My ship broke down. I'm trying to get back to space, which is where I live.

With that attitude, it might be hard for you to get back up in the air.

Do you have anything that could help me fix my ship, or are you from here? I'm sorry, I don't want to assume.

George, I make you nervous, I do. You nervous talking. You never seen a yoga with an open robe before. A yoga with an open... Yoda with an open robe before. Uh, yeah, I would say it's... My robe is open, I'm Yoda. It's fair.

It's

Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship.

Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship.

Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship.

Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship.

Yoda needs what he needs to get energy to fix ship. Yoda needs what he needs to get energy

Oh, I'm married. Yeah, I'm super, I'm super married.

I'm not hitting on you. You're just not hitting on you.

God, I broke your form out there. Kind of made me getting flustered. I'm sorry. Yeah.

Hey, listen, man, I have to be honest with you. You landed and I started talking and I panicked. And I picked a voice that was not sustainable.

Can I tell you guys, I got super high the other day and thought about Home Alone for some reason and I have a new theory. Which is that Kevin McCallister was a sleeper agent and he was activated. Because he's a little boy who knows how to... Alright, weed has to be illegal again.

I'm calling it.

Yeah, they need to take it away. Zoe listed some more of these animal parade riddles that we did last time I was in charge. And I love these. Can I just say, I love these.

Wait, sorry, is Old Man Puzzles in charge all of a sudden? Is Old Man Puzzles the one that is allowed to make the final call? Like if I got really hurt and had a medical situation right now, would you get to make the choices for me because you're Old Man Puzzles? Do you become like the default?

DNR. Do you not resuscitate? Oh, is that what that means?

You didn't even ask what was medically wrong with me. I don't like that. Don't ask, don't tell, Erin.

Don't ask, don't tell. DMB. Not my business. Just kill her. I don't need to know.

It's a broken arm, asshole.

Sir, she's up in bed and talking. No, DNR. What the fuck is an arm, asshole?

I mean, if that breaks, you're pretty fucked, right? I didn't even know that I had one.

Adal, you're going to be making all my medical choices. Adal, you are the default old man puzzle. You created the show, you were the first old man puzzle, so if anything goes awry here, I think you need to take over.

You're saying I have power of attorney?

I regret breaking any of this up.

Several times a day, people from all over the world visit me. Some may think I'm dirty, even on my best day, but no one wants to live without me. I would say seeing Erin, you're a toilet. Adal.

Adal. Adal. I was in your wedding. Okay, you're a hammer. Adal, I was in your wedding, man. Come on, man. I stood next to you while you got married.

Erin, you're a toilet.

You're pooping in her mouth. Hey, I still love you both, but listen... What is this scene?

It's just... It's just a guy pooping in a toilet? You both take turns turning into toilets and pooping in each other's mouths. Hold on, you teach improv.

Adal, you teach improv.

The scene that you called for, is you're in the toilet and I'm pooping in her mouth?

Adal, the last time I had a panic attack, I texted you.

Yes, yes, but, but, listen, hey.

But just in general, a premise for a scene is like, you two are at a party and the lay on is like, and you both figure out that you dated the same ex. But your whole scene is just she's in the toilet and I'm pooping in her.

This is more like fetish content than a seed. Heard, chef. Okay, so, you two were friends, you find out you dated the same guy.

That's the thing I just said!

Hold on! That you were asking for, right? I'm giving you what you're asking for. Okay. So you're friends, you both find out you're dating the same guy. Now, quick little caveat. There's a layout. Every full moon, one of you turns into a toilet and the other one shits in his mouth. What am I saying that's so taboo? This is a scene. And don't forget, and then a few seconds later the other person turns to the toilet and the person who was in the toilet turns to the human and shits in their mouth. But you both find out you dated the same guy. And that's sort of the entree into the scene. Crazy that full moon's over, huh? No, it's back. Full moon. We see a full moon.

What do you mean it's back?

It's back. A full moon doesn't go away. You're talking about sunrise. You're saying you guys are up at 6 a.m.?

Yeah!

No.

Adal, you bought everyone a Ninja Creamy because I wanted one.

Yeah, I'm bad with money. And that doesn't mean that my premise should be shot down. Okay, you're both toilets.

You found out you dated- Adal, you once said that you'll take me everywhere you go. That I'm one of your favorite people and that anywhere you go, I go too.

I just want to see my seat, okay? I love you both so much. I would do anything, I would die for both of you. I don't know. Okay? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

But all I want to say is- You understand why it doesn't feel like it when he said, okay, Erin, you're a toilet and GPC's gonna shit in your mouth.

I understand that it doesn't feel like it. But there's a way- But you have to understand how it's coming across to us.

There's a way to do it that's like fun for everyone. You do it. You're judging it. You do it.

Show us how to do it.

You want me to do it?

Show us.

You do it alone and show us how to do it.

Here you go improv teacher, go ahead.

Because I'm going to knock it out of the park, right? Those who can't teach. And then you're going to be like, oh. Those who can't teach, I am teaching.

You're a toilet who shits in its own mouth, and it's a full moon.

That's the dumbest fucking premise I've ever heard. You two are toilet best friends.

Hey guys, we're sort of at the comedy point where we know we can't end the episode unless someone does this scene, right? Okay, compromise.

Compromise. Compromise.

That's so smart.

It's healthy. You're both toilets, and you find out that the same guy shit in both your mouths. Got it.

Compromise.

Compromise. No, no, Erin, that is a compromise. That's a scene.

Okay, but I can I add one little add-on to it.

I'm sure yeah, please.

Adal, you are also there. You are also a toilet. Solidarity. We go in together.

But brand new, but brand new saran wrap. Nobody's touched me.

No, no.

Brand new, brand new. It has to be. Spotless. Never been, virginal, virginal. Never been touched.

This is an awesome party. This is crazy. Did you guys have the Clorox?

It's not a party. Hold on. It's not a party.

You said it was a party.

What would toilets be celebrating?

I don't know.

Biggest shit? What?

She's a virgin toilet who can't drive.

Yeah, it's Megan's coming out party. Someone's going to shit in her mouth, you know, later today and kind of christen her. Did you guys try the Clorox? It's so good.

It's so good.

It's blue. It's like, okay.

I'm trying to stay hydrated though, so I've been drinking a lot of pee today. Adal, we're doing the thing you wanted. I just talked about drinking pee.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Quick time out. It sounds like you're both being sarcastic. The way you guys are talking is like, you're like, have you tried the Clorox? Oh my god. Like, you're talking as if you don't enjoy it.

We're at a party! We're being social!

We'll skip to it.

We'll skip to it.

We'll skip to it. We'll skip to it.

Skip to what? Oh my god, Jerry's here.

Oh my god.

This is crazy. You're never gonna believe this. Okay, here we go.

I dated Jerry.

A couple weeks ago. What? Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Did you date Jerry too? No, you were about to say something else.

No, I never dated Jerry. We had like a thing, but it was never like, it was not like a serious, we didn't like label it as, um, I got wasted and Jerry... Yeah, say what he did.

Well, he, you know, he did what he, he did what you do. Do a toilet? Say it, say it, say the full thing. Pause, say the full thing.

Yeah, Jerry, you know, he shit in my mouth.

Yes, yes, yes! Oh my God. He said that he would never do that with anyone else besides me.

What? Yeah. He said that your double water flush button was just for him?

Just for him.

Oh my God. He said the same fucking thing. Unbelievable.

That same line. Can you come here for a second? Adal, you're Jerry.

Uh, yeah, what's up?

Can you come down here, come a little closer, a little closer to the ground?

Yeah, what's up?

Dunks your head, gives you a swirly, swirly, swirly, swirly. Scene, scene, scene, scene, scene.

No, no, no, Jerry. Swirly, swirly, no.

Scene. Other toilet, swirly, swirly, swirly. Come on.

Swirly, swirly, swirly.

Feet and head. Now it's fucking death proof and Jerry is getting... Feet and head. Yeah, feet and head, Jerry.

Jerry.

Piece of shit.

Piece of shit, Jerry.

Scene, scene. I can't imagine doing a bad improv show.

Thank you, Casey.

And this is a podcast where it's two in the morning, you go into the kitchen, turn on the light, this podcast scuttles under the fridge. And you go, tomorrow I gotta call somebody about this podcast.

This podcast is like when you can hear something under your front porch, and then so you have to lift up one of the stairs to see what's under the front porch. And if it's under there, the podcast's under there, and its eyes are like really beady in the dark, and it's like... The podcast feels cornered.

This is the podcast that is the can of pinto beans deep within your cabinet and it's got like dust all over it and you blow the dust and you go, oh, certainly this has to be expired. And then you check the back and it's like 2045. How can pinto beans be good for this long?

Well, they're always good this long if they're Goya. Goya beans.

Let them collect dust and have them in a pinch.

I think the Goya guy is like a Trump guy, right?

Never mind.

Any other beans?

Any other beans in the world?

Any other beans by any other name would smell as sweet. Don't buy... Don't buy Goya beans unless something has changed from like 11 years ago when I heard about Goya beans.

This podcast is like when you there's like an ashtray outside and people have been putting cigarettes out in it and then it rains. We're like the water in the ashtray and that is like sort of the vibe of our podcast.

This podcast is like when you're on a flight and you have like a 20 ounce bottled water and you take a little sip and then you go to put it in the back of the seat but then it falls on the ground and then the plane kind of does a tip and it rolls forward under the seats and you're like, oh no. And then someone looks behind like, could you just kick me? And it's like, can I get that, my water bottle?

My water just, can I get... Did you just kick me with this water bottle?

That's what this podcast is.

This is just going to be a quick solo scene. Adal, you're going to be playing Harry Ferry. You've got to stop doing impressions while people are doing things or else you're just going to get called out. And it's going to go right into break. Adal, you're going to be Harry Ferry, and you're calling a baseball game.

Top of the ninth, two out, two strikes, two balls. And hey, if you believe in this game, clap. I would never want to clap. Clap if you believe in the game. Wow. What a great game. Christopher Walken. It's melting into Christopher Walken. It's walking immediately.

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. Like, kindergartners? They wanted to do something about that, so we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guests and very web-savvy guests. Should we tell them who it was?

Let's play 20 questions.

I don't think we have time for that.

Is it a person?

No, it's not.

It's Finn Wolfhard, but Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website, too.

Thank you, and you had some amazing ideas for the website.

Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of, like, clicking and tapping.

And I was like, let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets. You kept on using that phrase, widgets. Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. You might want to check out the Hippo. Just go check out the website.

Just know that there's a Hippo video, and know that you're going to want to watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode, we had a lot of fun making this website.

Best time of my life, honestly.

We think you're gonna have a fun time listening to it and maybe even watching it. Think of it as our little Christmas present to you.

Yeah, yeah, this is a gift for you, okay? It's just like, it's a selfless thing we did for you.

Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website, sponsoring the episode, and for supporting creators across the headgum network.

Go check out the bonus episode, What's Our Website, from What's Our Podcast on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.

It's funny I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness, which means cornbread hemp's CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan.

It's so funny I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year and I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was.

Oh same girl same but also JPC your birthday's in December.

Okay that makes sense.

Well, JPC, someone left something under the tree called cornbread hemp CBD gummies. Have you heard of these? You seen these? Uh-huh. Yes, I have. They're made to help you feel better, whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock of aging.

Relaxation.

Relaxation. I use cornbread hemp CBD and GPC. Let me just say, toss one in my mouth, I chew it, I swallow it, and suddenly I'm at peace. And I'm old as hell.

All products are third-party lab tested in USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. So you can relax, relax.

Okay, you guys might be onto something with this cornbread hemp CBD, don't me. John Travolta? And right now, Hey Riddle Riddle listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash riddle and use code riddle at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com slash riddle and use code riddle.

Age is nothing but a number. The number of years I've been on earth.

Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

I feel okay.

I feel okay. Erin, Adal, can I share a real-life story brought to you by the fine folks at Quince that happen to allow it? So it's Thanksgiving. We do a thing every year where we go to a friend's giving at a friend's house. My wife is dressed. My child is dressed. My wife says, I say, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower. I come downstairs and my wife says, you are not wearing that to Thanksgiving. And I said, well, I thought, I thought I was going to wear this. And she said, no, you go upstairs and change it. You change it to something nice. And I went upstairs, I went into my closet and what did I find? But my quince long sleeve Henley. And I said, this actually looks pretty nice. And I think that if I wear this downstairs, my wife will shake her head yes and say that's something we could leave the house. And guess what? It happened.

But I'm sure that was like so expensive. That sounds pretty luxe.

No, Erin, it was affordable. It was downright affordable. Because Quince makes the essentials every guy needs. I'm talking Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50, Italian wool coats that look and feel designer, and denim and chinos that fit just right.

Oh, and don't get me started on their outerwear line. It's no joke. They have down jackets, wool top coats, leather styles. They're all built to last.

Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I love Quints. I particularly love their home line. Incredible sheets, glassware, rugs. Don't get me started on their rugs!

So guys, stop getting sent back upstairs by your wife to change because what you picked out is not something that you should even own anymore and actually should go to the dump.

Feels like a you thing.

And not the dump where they just bury it, the dump where they burn it. Feels specific to you. Get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list. is handled with Quince. Don't wait. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash riddle. Free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash riddle.

What were you wearing when you came downstairs? Full turkey costume. Knew it.

Ah, nuts. I missed out on getting the worm this morning.

Wait, but you talked all about wanting to be the early bird.

I know. Well, what I say and what I do is two different things. There's quite a discrepancy.

You've been practicing the worm all year. You said you were going to get out of bed, flop down on the floor, and start writhing around.

I know. I love breakdancing, but I guess I didn't get it. I gotta get up more early. Oh, you know what else I need to do early? Acorns early.

Oh wait, you mean Acorns Early, the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up. That Acorns Early?

Yeah, when my kids get out of their eggs, out of the nest, I want them to be prepared and set up for success in the world.

That would have changed my life, because I was growing up being like, why aren't they teaching us how to handle our finances in school? They're kind of just throwing us to the wolves when we turn 20, and I don't know anything about money. And if I had had Acorns early, this would have been way easier.

Yeah, with Acorns early, you start with the in-app chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar. Then you can let your kids set their own saving goals and start building healthy money habits early. Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with acorns' early spinning limits and real-time spin notifications, parents always stay in control.

What do squirrels do with acorns? Are those like their pillows? Is that their money?

These are really good questions.

They treat them like pillows.

If your kid, I don't know, is starting a winter lemonade stand and you need to help them stretch that dollar, really start their business, Acorns Early might be the answer.

When my kids are old enough, because they're not quite old enough yet, I'm definitely going to be using Acorns Early to help teach them financial literacy. I've played around with this tool. It's really awesome and it teaches a lot of great lessons for younger children to start with good money habits early on.

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend? Get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com slash heyriddle, or download the Acorns Early app. That's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com slash heyriddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Let's all say what kind of bird we are on three. One, two, three. A pretty bird.

Acorns are their religion. For squirrels. Oh. Acorns Early is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank. Member FDIC. Pursuant to license by MasterCard International. Free trial for new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting from $5 per month, unless canceled. Terms apply at acorns.com slash early terms. 1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew.

OK, next up, I'm very curious about this next lady. This is Ragdoll. Come on in, Ragdoll.

Can someone lift up my neck? I can't see.

Yeah, I mean, we're not supposed to really assist with the audition. If you need us to, we can.

If you're like in dismay... Flings head backwards.

Oh! Yeah, this is an audition to join Tattle and be a superhero. Yeah, I know.

I thought you could use me. What's up? My name's Ragdoll. Buttons for eyes. That much is obvious. And I'd like to tell you that I would be a great fit for Towel. I know what you're thinking. I bet she can't get hurt because she's sort of a rag doll. She gets thrown around like a rag doll. It would be a great, an awesome thing to have a member of the team that can't get hurt. Strong. I have bones and blood like the rest of you. I just move like this.

But you're small. I'd say you're no more than 10 inches tall, and you look like you're made out of a cut-up mop.

My hair is made of yarn, cut-up mop, yarn, sort of felt, paper mache nose.

There's bones and blood and organs and tissue in there, huh?

Yeah, there's all the stuff you got. Reproductive organs.

Oh, I do see, it looks like written on the bottom of your foot, it says Tammy.

Yeah, Tammy is a bitch I met at a bar.

I asked her to give me a... Wait, can we use that for official superhero merch?

Yeah, I asked her to give me a peace sign tattoo because she was giving out free tattoos in the parking lot. She wrote Tammy on my foot. I hit her with a beer bottle.

I was like a kid who owned you or something, but yeah, that makes way more sense.

No, no, and I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I know I look very small. I'm a kid.

Was she given tattoos with Sharpie? This appears to just be written on in Sharpie.

Yeah, but look at this, the texture of my skin. This is there forever, brother.

Yeah, you're right.

God, that is... And I went through the wash once, but remember, I got bones and organs and all that stuff. I ended up having an episode and going west after I got put in the wash. Full of existential dread.

Okay.

In the dryer, too.

I don't want to dismiss Ragdoll out of hand because... Can I smoke in here? No.

Was that your power? You are a little bit on fire.

Power?

Yeah, the light. I'm sorry. Let me dim the light I'm shining on you. I think I'm cooking you alive.

Yeah. Power.

Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah. So if you do have a super power, we're also going to want to know that as well. I move like a ragdoll. That's the power. It feels more like a super... I'll just say drawback. I feel like that's the most polite and kind way to say that.

Why? No one can predict how I move. I sort of... Oh, I heard some bones.

I heard some bones snap.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No amount of calcium is keeping these bones safe in the way that I'm moving.

If you know you have bones, why are you tossing yourself around like a rag doll?

This is how I have to walk.

That's right.

I have the proportion of a ragdoll. I look like a ragdoll. Again, though, I feel everything. I'm feeling all of this. Can I smoke in here?

No, please no. Can I ask you about your superhero origin? How did you come to be a 10-inch tall ragdoll that has human bones?

I mean, probably same as how you got your power.

I was hit by a truck containing a big supply of light. Big boot.

I was obviously crafted in a lab by an eccentric plastic surgeon.

And I had cold brew that was too strong. And now I can't read minds. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Yeah, what's up?

You're telling us that you can read minds?

Shake my cold brew.

Because you had cold brew that was too strong one time?

Yeah. You know when you overly caffeinate and all of a sudden you can hear people's minds?

So is your thing that you have to keep drinking- Can I smoke in here? No. No, hold on, no. You have to keep drinking the cold brew or now you're just drinking cold brew like as a person who's drinking cold brew?

I'm just drinking cold brew as a person that's drinking cold brew.

I forgot to mention that we all have the voice style chairs and we have to turn around when we are all in agreement. I think we let Ragdoll go. I don't think we're in agreement.

Oh, we all like Ragdoll, right?

I think that's a huge yes for me. Hits the button, my chair turns around.

Whoa, I didn't know you looked like that. Hitch button, turn it back around. Chair whips around so quick you spill out of the chair. Whoa, whoa.

Hey, that's a little rude. Can I smoke in here?

No.

Alright, well, whatever. Tammy and I are gonna go get some whiskeys.

So you're still with Tammy? I thought she was a bitch.

She is a bitch. Okay, covers Mike.

I will say Tammy is the bitch I met at a bar. It's my favorite catchphrase so far.

Yeah, I just don't think with the volatile nature of Ragdoll and Tammy's relationship, I just don't think we can afford to have either one of them on the team.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Tammy in the wings sheds one single tear and like blinks it away. All right, come on Tammy. Crack bones.

Tammy flies across stage. Whoa, Tammy in the wings! Tammy in the wings! That would have been amazing. She could have dropped Ragdoll on a pole. Oh, okay.

Burger, hot dog, cheeseburger.

What do you want? You do cheese hot dog?

Melted American cheese on a hot dog?

No. No, just a regular hot dog or cheeseburger.

Sorry, man, you seem really nervous. Oh, by the way, I'm Kyle. I've lived in this house about 15 years. Oh, cool. We got two little ones. I know that you moved in recently. Welcome.

Yeah, just me.

Great. Love it. Beautiful house. Jorgen.

Jorgen.

Jordan. Jordan. Nice to meet you, Jordan. Love it. I mean, my wife, she went to like every open house because she was just obsessed. It's like a great fixer-upper. Yeah, it's cool.

Wood.

It's got wood.

Floors and walls.

Yeah. Yeah, beautiful. You're gonna restore those, I assume. I mean, you bought a historically protected house. Yeah. I'm really excited to see what you do with it.

Yeah, for sure.

Well, Jordan... Jordan. Jordan.

Jordan.

Jordan. Jordan.

Yeah, like Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan.

Yeah. How's that hot dog?

So you want a burger with cheese or a hot dog? You want both? You want both?

Um...

Hey man, don't be nervous. We don't bite. I know we seem like a pretty close-knit community. We're doing stuff like this all the time.

I've never had neighbors before.

Great. Oh, yeah, it's easy. It's just like we'll mow each other's lawns. If someone needs like a cup of sugar when they're baking. Hey Riddle Riddle Oh, it's free. I mean, we all pay everyone. Everyone pays everyone? No, no, like, like three weeks before this, it was before you moved in, you came around and everyone sort of gave like whatever they could. Sometimes people give like 100 bucks, 80 bucks, sometimes people do more.

100 bucks for a hot dog?

No, no, for the whole block party. Sort of it pays for like the music and the food.

Pays for the music.

And the bouncy house for the kids and the water balloon fight.

How much, $100 music?

No, I mean, I don't... I'm not a part of the planning committee.

What if I just mow your lawn all year?

No, I'm not... I'm not the one that you would pay even.

OK, so I've got to find somebody else to pay.

Yeah, like the... The Sullivans are the ones who organize it.

They're really... I think I'm going to go home and draw the shutters and just kind of... Hey, no man, you're doing great.

I don't think so. No, you're doing really good.

I think I've embarrassed myself.

No, I mean, Jordan, you've come over... I think you're being really brave.

My name's Michael. You panicked and... Yeah, because I wanted to say like Michael Jordan. I said Jordan, but I meant Jorgen, or no. My name's Michael.

And you wore a Halloween costume over here.

I got the dates wrong.

Yeah, it's the middle of summer.

Well, yeah, of the block party I got the date right, I got the dates of Halloween wrong. I've never had neighbors before, so I didn't really know when Halloween was. I've only lived in apartments and we didn't do Halloween.

Right.

Because it was a walk-up.

Sure. And I think that, you know, Michael, I think you're doing better than you think. You're doing, this is hard and I totally get it. And you seem like a really sweet introvert that like wanted to restore a historical home.

I didn't know about the historical home part either.

Well, you had to like sign a bunch of paperwork that said that you weren't going to make any changes that ruined the integrity of the house.

This house was a gift.

From who?

My uncle.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Well, my wife actually knows a lot about that stuff. Our home is historically protected as well. She'll give you all the resources.

I can mow her lawn for a year.

No, you don't have to do any of that. This is what being a neighbor is.

She's going to help me for free?

Yeah, she'll give you some advice.

Oh, but not help.

Oh, no, that's what helping is.

OK, I'll just help her.

Hey, man, you're really, really, really nervous. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm going to go back. You're leaning on my grill.

Some of us know what we want.

Okay, just give me $100 worth of hot dogs and hamburgers and I'm gonna go home.

No, no, no, no.

I think I have to go home.

Michael. I have to definitely go home because my hand's all burnt. I'm gonna give you a normal amount of food on your plate.

You're gonna go... Can you grill potato chips?

What?

Can you grill potato chips?

No, I'm just gonna put the normal potato chips on your plate. That's all I like. I know, it's great. We're gonna put stuff on your plate. Okay. You're gonna... Here, wrap your hand in this paper towel.

Should I mingle with people? No. Okay.

I would go sit. Sit in the grass? No, not the grass. Find a chair. Grass is for children and animals.

Okay.

Go find a chair.

In my house?

No, no.

Bring my chair out. No, no, no. In the grass?

Look, I'm pointing right now at the chair on my deck. See, there's a few of the neighborhood dads are up there talking golf.

Can I go in the deck, the upstairs deck?

No. I'm

Those are really tall guys.

There's one that's 5'11 and he's the tallest. So... Hey!

Here's what I'm gonna do.

See, look, they're waving at you. They're waving. They're excited to meet you. They're gonna want to talk about golf. They also have a jam band.

I'm gonna take a plate of grilled chips.

No.

An open Coke.

Nope.

I'm gonna go to your bed.

No.

I'm gonna sleep for an hour.

No.

Then I'm gonna go out onto the balcony.

Nope.

I'm gonna jump.

No.

I'm gonna jump off the balcony.

Michael, you wouldn't even get hurt.

I could get hurt.

I'll fall on my fingers. I'll land on my fingers.

I could really hurt my fingers. This was nice. It's so overwhelming, but here's what I'm gonna do.

Who's Michael? My name's Clayton. My name's Clayton. I was thinking Michael Clayton. I said Michael Jordan. It's not Clayton. It's Layton. My name's Meester. Meester, little Meester. Meester? There's lots of single ladies in the neighborhood. Deeds.

My name's Deeds.

Meester Deeds.

Just Deeds.

Deeds? Is your name Adam?

My name's Adam.

Yeah.

My uncle died. Sure. Buying this house.

Yeah.

And I kind of swooped in at the last minute.

I actually think you're doing better than you think you are. We're going to introduce you to some beautiful ladies. It's the summer. Okay. You know what might relax you? Have a beer. Here's a beer. Catch.

Uh oh. Oh, okay. So I should go find that?

No, no. I'll give you another beer. I'm going to hand it to you. Ready? One.

No. Kick it to me.

Two. No.

If you put it on the ground and kick it over to me, it's going to be way easier.

You're literally in arms. I'll drop it.

I'll drop it.

I promise you I'll drop it. We're going to pretend this is a funny bit between us that we do. Okay.

So you're going to introduce me to a woman?

Nope. You're going to go.

She seems nice.

She's going to introduce herself to you. Just go up there, be mysterious, smile, nod. They're going to love you. Got it. Say your name is Adam.

My name's Deeds. Say my name's Adam. Say Adam. Okay.

Okay. Good luck. Thank you so much. I'm watching.

What was your name?

Hi, welcome back to I Will Knock You. I'm coming to you from the local dive bar where I am going to get into some fights with people who definitely deserve it. Hold on, hold on. You have to spin. My name is Michael and I'm not drunk. My first guest is the guy sitting next to me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Knock it off. Knock it off.

Excuse me, sir.

Knock it off.

Do you have a freaking problem with me?

Michael, I don't have a problem with you. You do this every week.

Do I? Because I have a show to produce every week. I will knock you. There's a camera. Put the graphic in here. Put the graphic in here.

Graphic of what?

Talking to my line producer. Put the graphic in here.

Okay. Can we cut him off? Can we cut him off, please?

Me? No. He's technically not over-served.

He's only had one drink. I just think it's a reaction to his medicine.

I can only stop after three drinks, so legally I have to keep serving him.

Joel, this is not how you run a bar. I told him not to take the medicine.

Another mojito, please, Joel.

You have two-thirds of your mojito sitting there.

Joel, Joel, but I drink fast because I have a straw and I drink faster with a straw.

I'll make you another mojito.

And guess what? After that, I'm going to knock you.

That's not going to happen.

To the ground. I'm going to punch you. I know you were a Marine, Joel. Oh, Joel was a Marine. Joel has big arms. I'm gonna knock you down, Jules.

Hey everybody, it's me, Norm! Norm!

Norm, I will knock you down to the ground, Norm.

Oh, Michael, you little so-and-so. You still making that show here? What's up, buddy? High five!

Tries to high five, goes to punch, falls to the ground.

He used to fuck with Catwoman. So now I feel like every time I'm turning around, you know, a corner, I'm like, is Catwoman going to come out of nowhere and just like, you know?

This is so crazy. And like, you should be even more scared of her. But she goes to my Zoom book classes and she's like crazy strong.

In the outfit with the whip?

Oh, yeah, of course. And she looks like so good. I'm in the mirror and I look like a wet rat. Kind of like sweating in the mirror and I'm like, oh my God, she looks amazing.

Don't talk about my friend like that.

Hey, hey, I know. I mean, I went to class and that's what matters, right?

Yeah.

That's what matters.

I saw a car almost hit her one time and I was like, oh my God, yes, it's happening. She did 13 somersaults in the air, landed on all fours, scuttled into the sewers.

Like that's incredible. Like my life would change if I could do that.

Her ass looked amazing the whole way through.

Didn't break a sweat, I'm sure. So anyway, Robin was going down on me for like three hours. I just could not make me come.

And the last one is stop that laughing at the back, which is my favorite one listed.

Stop that laughing at the back. Okay, everybody take a seat. Quiet down, okay? Okay. This is about what happened yesterday. This is not funny. I cannot stress this enough. This is not, look at me, this is not funny. Your teacher, hey, Hey, is he gonna be okay? No, he farted himself to death. Now hold on. I didn't know it was to death. This is being streamed to the whole town and this is very serious.

Okay?

You were the last class. that he had. You guys saw it go down. Hey.

Question. Yeah. Could we just laugh for like.

No. You can't get out of your systems. You can't. Why not? Because yesterday. Can you imagine the hell of dying by far. And there is an entire classroom of children not not calling for help not running for help but laughing in your face. That's the last sound he heard.

Well not the last. I mean, yes.

Hey.

We lived it. We lived it. We could imagine it.

He hit the ceiling. We have the footage. We know the momentum. Play it. Play it. Play it. Stop the laughing in the back. Play it. Stop the laughing in the back. Hey.

You simply must play the footage. No.

No. We will in a minute. We will in a minute because we all need to talk about what happened. We're gonna do a play-by-play and you're gonna let me know what happened, okay?

Okay. Well, you know what happened. He farted himself to death.

What happened before the farting?

It's

I shouldn't have had so much jelly. Hey! Stop!

And then I guess after that... Stop! That's what he sounded like. After that was the first fart and then the class hamster died.

We know. Double tragedy, and I know, it's not funny.

We don't know that he died. He died. He held up a little sign that said, ay carumba, and then he keeled over.

Hey, stop. Stop it. Stop it. Which of the farts, how far in, was the one that blasted him back into the chalkboard? Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop the laughing in the back!

It was all the farts. Every part blasted deeper into the chalkboard. Look at the hole. You're seeing the hole. It was a process. You think you get a four foot divot and a chalkboard for one part?

This was not just a teacher.

He worked for it.

This was not just a teacher. This was a father. This was a husband. This was a volunteer firefighter. This was someone who did community theater at night. Yes.

Can I ask something?

Yes, Declan, what?

About 12 to 13 minutes in, all the other teachers came into the classroom and also watched along. Are they in trouble as well?

Are we in trouble? You're in the biggest trouble. You had, this was a 50 minute episode. You had 50 minutes to call 911, call for an ambulance, run and get help from me, the principal. You could have done anything and he died because you guys were laughing and laughing. Hey, stop it. Stop that laughing in the back. In our defense, it was riveting. Stop it.

It was the best 50 minutes of my life. I could tell he had community theater chops because of kind of how he was milking it and hamming it up to a certain degree.

He wasn't. He was in agony.

He was making sounds that didn't necessarily equate to agony. Like what? Like, don't make me do it. A wooga! A wooga!

Stop the laughing in the back!

Hamana hamana help me. Hamana hamana help me. Doink! He said doink a lot, and he was saying doink. Yeah, and he kept saying, my pants!

Oh, my pants! Speaking of his pants, how far in did his pants blow off?

Well, they were Carhartts, so they lasted longer than they should. They lasted much longer. Right. Built farm tough.

Yeah.

Don't.

But it wasn't really that the pants flew off in one burst. It was more that they were shredded as it went on.

His family is planning a funeral right now, and they don't know what to say. They don't know what to put in the paper.

I would say don't do open casket. Closed casket for sure. His ashes ruined.

Stop that laughing in the back. Stop it. People are watching this at home.

Why?

Because we're holding you accountable.

This is being streamed out?

Yes, of course.

At one point he went in the air like, you know those wind tunnels that you can go into? You're wearing a suit where you can open your arms or close them? Indoor skydiving. Indoor skydiving. At one point it was like 50 minutes of that and it was beautiful. He looked like an angel.

He tried to use the eyewash station and he blew all of the water back into the eyewash station and then it corroded the spout that it was coming out of like it was the stinkiness was like acidic in some way.

Okay let's just try to get the timeline right. What order do you remember happening? You walked into the classroom and then what happened?

Sat down a big bowl of chili. Sat down a big bowl of chili. On the desk. I would say three- I thought you said it was cheese. No, it was chili, but there was definitely cheese in it.

Yeah.

I don't think that what came out of him would have been possible without the assistance of caring.

Stop that laughing in the back.

Stop it. I also want to mention, I don't know if anyone has gone on record, but at some point it got so bad he put his finger in his, I don't know the medical term, butthole.

Don't do this.

And then he got a real funny face and he started coming out his mouth.

And he clapped his hand over his mouth, and then it started coming out the butthole. Then he did the hand over the butthole. Started coming out his penis.

Stop laughing in the back!

Then it came out of his ears.

Oh, then the steam came out of his ears.

Well, it wasn't steam. It was farts. It was farts. But it looked and sounded like the whistle of steam. And then he clapped his hands over his ears, and his eyeballs bulged out with farts.

Like a Looney Tune. And at some point... I wouldn't say like a Looney Tune. It was very human. Yeah. Like the mask, maybe? Yeah, like the mask.

Stop that laughing in the back!

He kept saying I'm being cooked alive.

Stop. And then he tried to open the windows.

He did.

Which I thought was very kind and then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room.

That's not why we closed them. We opened the window and then he unfortunately did see a very pretty lady out on the street and I think he was getting horny. Well, it doesn't matter if he's married. He's a man. He was getting horny. He's a red-blooded American man. He was getting horny by seeing a very- and we don't know if the woman could have been his wife, because I know his wife works close by, but he was getting very horny and he was starting to make a, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga, a wooga,

At one point he did call the hospital, but he was farting so much they thought it was a prank and they hung up on him.

And remind me again, what sign did the hamster hold up?

Icaramba.

I made the sign.

I made the sign for Spanish class. I don't know how the hamster got it.

It wasn't for him. But then on the reverse side, he turned it around and it said, die, caramba. And then big Xs formed over his eyes. And then there was a big, I don't know where it came from, but there was sort of like a noise that was like, Sort of like Ren and Stimpy when they should do a close-up of someone's armpit or something. Oh yeah, I didn't even associate that with the farting, but now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely an image that came out of him.

One of the farts turned all the pages of the book that you guys were reading to a certain page. What book was it, and what did the page say? Stop that laughing in the back. Stop. Don't!

We were reading The Catcher in the Rye, and it blew some letters off of the cover and turned it into The Farter Smells Like Stye.

Adam Bovary, shit. And, oh fuck.

Uh, we were reading The Giver and I got changed to The Shitter.

Yes, we don't know where the S is in the- And we don't have all the answers to these questions.

Okay, well, you guys will be assigned a new teacher, obviously. No.

No, we want our old teacher. He's dead. Oh, that's right, he died. Did he leave us like a VHS or something to play?

Stop the laughing!

I forgot he died. Did he leave us like a VHS to play in case of death?

He did. He wanted me to roll in the TV into the classroom and show you guys the video.

Have you seen the video yet?

I know what it is.

I haven't seen it. You're laughing. You haven't seen it.

I'm not.

Is it going to be like sports bloopers where it's like da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da and it's going to be him farting?

Yes.

I forgot. I forgot he died because he did. He stopped farting and he said, oh, I'm OK. I don't know what that was. And he walked out of the classroom and then we heard him kind of fart and like bang off of things like a rocket ship going down the hallway.

He hit the ceiling fan at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah. You could hear him hitting lockers.

Yeah.

And then what happened? Welcome back.

And he kept going, it was kind of like, as he went up, it was kind of like, um, what's it called in Dr. Strangelove? Uh, guy dro- on the bomb.

We all know what you're referring to. Cowboy on the Bomb. Cowboy on the Bomb. Slim Pickens. Slim Pickens. Okay, you know what we're gonna do. It's fine.

But it was reverse Slim Pickens just going up into the clouds. Fat Pickens.

I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help.

Yes.

Um, this is sort of a bystander effect that no one- We have learned our lesson. Okay, great. And let's just do a moment of silence.

Can we watch the video?

We can, but one moment of silence in honor of the teacher.

Whoa, we haven't had a moment in silence in 50 minutes. Okay, when he was dying.

Do not laugh. Don't laugh in the back. Okay, moment of silence.

Oh, his family's coming in.

Yep, this is super serious. Nobody laugh.

Do not laugh. Do not laugh. They're in mourning.

Ready?

This is his family?

It's a moment of silence starting now.

Why are they all eating chili?

Is that to honor his memory? Is it to honor?

Yes. Does the whole family really like chili? Stop asking questions. Okay, but I'm just wondering because they're eating a lot of chili. Oh no! Oh, too much chili!

Oh no, it's happening again.

I'm eating too much chili! Sorry, no, I made the video start playing. Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Turn it off.

Wait, he's eating chili in the video too?

I don't think this is on us! Scene. And Casey, cut that. We don't need it.

Yeah.

Danny, we done did it. We're back to what we did before.

Wait, does that mean purgatory's over?

I don't know. Let's go on a new adventure you and I. What was that?

What was that that you just did? And as you lean in for a second kiss.

You can't reject. You cannot leave me alone in that. That's the meanest thing ever. That is being abandoned on my birthday level mean.

I just don't remember. I'm still half a suit store.

That is sort of booking a week-long cruise together and then one of you backs out. That is brutal.

And I'm on the boat.

For one of you to be like, we don't kiss anymore. That was never a thing. That is, JPC, that is brutal.

That's not like I got invited to the movies by people in my class and I went to the movies and saw the movie and they're like, we changed your mind and went to a different movie. Like that level of like absolutely cut down on everything.

What are you guys talking? Erin, stay in it. What are you guys talking about?

Adal, you are Bear Jesus Christ, and you are about to perform a bear miracle.

Everyone, everyone, you see this water? Can everyone see the water?

Was it water or is it honey turned water to honey?

You will put me in a cave and roll a rock in front of it and I will hibernate and come out a few days later. And that's normal.

That's just normal.

This is normal.

Scene.

These options are from British Children TV. And here's what I'll say. I just realized how much I love when Brits say something along the lines of like, that's tasty that, that's beautiful that.

Yeah, that's so cute.

That's tasty that.

Whimsy, whimsy, whimsy. I mean, they also were colonizers.

I got a question for you about Brits before we really truly launch into it. Who is the British actor working today who you think has the worst American accent? Ooh, that's a good question.

Can I say, I love Tom Hardy, but when he does American, it's like, I am American.

Like, it's always just like... They all seem to be doing a Jason Statham American.

Like, it's such a weird... Has Statham ever done an American accent?

I don't know.

What if Statham thinks he's doing an American accent in every movie he's doing?

And I'm like, good job!

His real voice is like super high-pitched and he's like, definitely lowering it, but it's still very British.

When I was playing the beekeeper, I tried to get into the mindset of... When I was playing the beekeeper then!

It's Jason Statham and he's got a big curly wig and a big apron on and it's like... That's tasty, that.

He's holding the handbag, he screams like E.T.

E.T. E.T. is the one British actor who does a terrible American accent.

Found home. I heard that E.T. 's really rude to waiters too. He grabs butts. He grabs butts.

Yeah, E.T. stands for, eww, stop it.

I couldn't think of anything. Lowercase s, capital T. I will say.

Top it. And I do think he's a tremendous actor. Who, E.T. ? Tremendous.

I think E.T.

's great.

Yeah. E.T. won the Oscar Best Supporting Actor role in Michael Clayton, right?

Here's my thing about E.T., though. He jumped up on the seats and walked across.

After the one movie... And then he dip-kissed Halle Berry.

In a Rastafarian cap. Adrian Brody did both of those things.

Who did Adrian Brody introduce as a Rastafarian? Does anyone remember what band it was?

I can't. Oh, it's so funny though.

Then E.T.

went... Adele Dazeem. It wasn't like Sean Paul? It was literally Soundgarden?

I don't think it made sense. It did make sense, okay. E.T. can wear the Rastafarian wig, because he's not from anywhere.

Oh, Sean Paul. And it says the mock Jamaican accent was definitely unscripted, and allegedly Sean Paul was very pissed off by Adrian's introduction.

What? Why? Did he not get the joke? 71 weeks of spit on the charts. For a while there, it was rough. But lately, I've been doing better. Then, the last four cold Decembers, I recall, and I see my family every month, I found a girl my parents love, Adal.

Counting crows, cold December.

Cold December, it's been a cold December. She'll come and stay the night, and I think I might have it all. And I thank God every day for the girl he sent my way. But I know the things he gives me, he can take away. And I hold you every night, and that's a feeling I want to get used to. But there's no man as terrified as the man who stands to lose you.

Buzz. Oh, Adal? I think I'm going to hate myself if I don't at least try to say... Don't tell some beautiful thing that you know. Is it that song? Hey, I don't know what that means. What is that?

Don't take... It's a little fella who does the backflips.

It's beautiful... Yeah, it's like the goose. Oh, is that the one?

Hey, this is one I didn't look up for the show because I had no interest. I was like, I know I don't know this one, but yes, it is the little backflip boy. Benson Boone. Adal, Benson Boone. Do you know the name of the song? Sounds like a goose is singing this song. Don't take blank blank that I got.

Do you know that Benson Boone is three geese wearing a jumpsuit? It was really hard for them to learn how to do one backflip together.

If you pause the video where he's doing a backflip, you can see the three geese. You can see the three geese. They never stop touching, but they come apart a little bit.

I mean, they're athletes for sure.

His album is called Untitled Benson Project? With goose crossed out?

Gensengoose. Thank you, Casey.

Gensengoose.

Gensengoose. It was right there.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. Marnie Perrins did the music. Hey there Nordstroms and Racks, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We explore what happens in between Christmas and New Year's. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zameda. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. Yeah. We're best friends.

Yeah.

We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So the audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities.

Yes.

We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. I'm really sorry. I was trying to be supportive, but I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.