Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

1, 2, 3, 4, Hey Riddle Riddle!

I tried to get flattened on my screen by a TV. There, I got a fist fight. Oh, boy. I got a fist fight.

All right, let me shine this flashlight in your eyes.

Why my eyes? He's the one with the concussion.

Just trying to get that reflection going. There are like little chiseled diamonds there in your eyes.

Oh, thank you. Adal, I feel like you might have a concussion. Let me just shine a light in your eyes.

Yeah, I went to ask JPC what was wrong with him and I bonked heads.

So hard. Adal, I see a lot of reflections coming from your eyes. Those look like, and I hate to say it, conflict diamonds, which as you know... Oh no, I was going for a lap groan. No, we have to take them out because, you know, it's pretty unethical to have those, even if they are in your eyes.

Yeah, that's what Bono sings. That's what Bono sings.

Sunday, bloody Sunday, bloody Sunday Then she will be loved

We love Bono. We love Bono, folks, don't we? Don't we love Bono? Happy December.

The studio audience just went crazy.

Listen. He's giving it his all. What it is, I don't know. He's giving it his all.

He's wearing sunglasses and he's doing something.

He's giving it his all. That's how I should have said it. Fuck! Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast about the holiday season.

Three concussed hosts talking about how Bono always gives it his all.

You think you've ever had a concussion? Adal, you played football. You've had a concussion, right?

I'm

Yeah, I saw somebody hit their head once, like going into an entryway, like a low entryway.

Yeah.

And as soon as I saw it, I was like, they have a concussion. Like, it was like, I could feel the concussion in my body. I was like, I felt my brain get rattled a bit.

You got an empathetic concussion.

I think I got a, yeah, a sympathy concussion.

What happened next? Did you? Oh, they fell.

They fell down, and they were out of it, and kind of just sat with them for a while.

You didn't stare straight ahead like a maniac while people took photos of you?

We're referring to nothing. That's nothing that's been in the news.

We're referring to Bono.

Well, you know, in that guy's defense, once you're up, your legs are locked. And once they're locked in place, that's going to take, what, 25, 30 minutes to get those bad boys unlocked? You're going to have to have your wax guy come in, grease up the knees.

It's only a matter of time until I faint in the public space while I'm standing behind someone giving a speech. So I'm counting my days till that happens.

Yeah, but fainting, as long as there's someone there to hopefully catch you a little bit, then you're probably not going to get a concussion. But fainting is also terrifying. To see someone faint and to be the victim of a faint.

Erin, I think when you eventually faint in public, because I agree it will happen, it'll be like that scene in Princess Bride when Robin Wright jumps out of the window into Andre the Giant's arms. Hello, lady.

Except I'm Andre the Giant and I've passed out and I dropped her.

Hello, lady.

I'd actually like to see a scene. Is that so insane? Yes.

Great. We do have to check you for a concussion.

And I get that. JVC, you are at a concert, and you're a little dehydrated. And Adal, you are fainting, the concept of fainting, and you're going to tap on his shoulder and tell him it's his time and that he's about to faint.

Oh, my God.

Hey, this is one of my favorite songs of theirs. I think I'm gonna get some water. No, no, you won't be getting to the water in time. Hey, you enjoying the concert? Huh? You enjoying the concert? Yeah, I mean... Yeah, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb? Pretty sweet tour.

This is, for my money, this has to be their best album.

Oh, yeah. Name one of your favorite songs.

From How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb?

Ooh, Atomic Bond, yeah. You've got about 10, 15 seconds, tops.

Okay, I want to say She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. Hey, were you okay? Oh, thank God. No, I think I need to... My legs feel... Nod your head no, but say yes.

Do what? Nod your head no, but say yes. Oh, you're already doing it.

It's like a pat your belly and pat your head or whatever, right? Shh, shh, shh, it's time. Time what? It's time.

Goodnight, my sweet prince.

He's a stranger.

Goodnight, my sweet prince.

I don't know. Okay, well, hey. What are you doing?

Who is this? I punch fainting in the face. That's how Adal got his black eye. Yeah, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what if we, we've been so good lately.

No. We've eaten all the vegetables. Have we, have we, Erin, been so good lately? No. We deserve a little treat.

Yeah, let's do a Patreon just cause.

Let's make a main feed a Patreon and make a Patreon a main feed. Let's punish those who pay us the reward.

Yes, I mean we've been doing that the whole time.

You get to do another Patreon right after this, Erin. Can't you just wait? No, I want to do it now. Can't you just wait for your cake?

I want it now!

You got Patreon in my main feed. You got main feed in my Patreon. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. How was everybody's holiday? Did everybody have a good Thanksgiving?

People are not under the impression that we record the day before these come out. We don't have to put on airs. Although speaking of, it's now a good time to talk about how stressed I am. All of my flights to the East Coast for tour and the holidays have gotten canceled.

Yeah. It's, you know, air traffic controllers, luckily, that are shutting down, which is why airplanes and airports are, like, shutting down and cancelling flights, and not trains. And on the East Coast, like, there is a way to, like, take a train if you need to. But if my flight to Philadelphia gets cancelled, I'm just, like, driving to Philadelphia, I guess. I guess Adal and I are bundling up. Making the 14-hour trip to fucking Philadelphia. Another road trip. Another road trip.

I'm quite worried, because I will need to leave literally six days before tour starts. Yeah, it would be harder for Erin.

It already happened. Right, you're right. Didn't Willy Wonka or someone build a bullet train from LA to Philly? That happened this year, right?

Yeah, that happened in between recording.

The Wonka Tuttles under Vegas? How long was Adal's concussion?

I don't know, I think it's still happening.

Did he give himself a real concussion from a scene?

Nepal's letting people in now, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so everything's fucked, but you know what, Erin?

I think the answer to this first riddle is Waterpark.

I think, though, ultimately it could be kind of a blessing in disguise, because if you are a person, which many people are, who does not like to see their family during the holidays, This is kind of like the perfect excuse to get all your shit canceled. You're like, oh, I'd love to come home and get in a fight with Uncle Chris about, you know, immigration, but it really looks like it's not going to be happening for me this year.

I unfortunately love my family, and Thanksgiving's the only one everyone goes to.

You don't love all of them. Whoa, Jeeps, you got thrown under the bus.

Let me ask you a thing about that. She said a bunch.

Mitch, Aunt Catherine, oh, one of your sisters. The big two. Specifically, you don't like.

I know that I know a bunch of Erin's family members by name, but I... You really just guessed biblical names, and you're halfway there.

Yeah. Is there a Molly in the Bible?

Yeah. She's the one that cut that baby in half, right?

That's a Smith song, right?

Is the answer waterpark to this first riddle? Did I call the shot?

You called the shot, but nobody knows what you were shooting at or why. So, I'll give you a point. Yes! Because I feel bad for you.

Thank you! Adal will be happy for me! Yay!

Thank you!

Hello, lady.

Hello, lady.

Oh my gosh, at this point I know who won Dancing with the Stars. Isn't that fun?

Unless the government shutdown has affected which stars were allowed to dance.

I bet it has.

Yeah. Because if they shut down NASA, then they couldn't get the telescope to the stars, and so they were unable to distinguish the stars from each other.

We've been dancing with the quasars this whole time.

Oh no.

I bet it's Sandy Richter, Erin.

Ugh, everyone's going to be so pissed if it's him. I'm going to be so excited though.

I think that they'll get it straightened out. Trump is going to take care of election reform, and so that'll probably apply to Dancing with the Stars as well.

He might win Dancing with the Stars this year, good point.

What if Dancing with the Stars you could only do if you went in person, voted, and you had to show your ID?

I would make it every single week.

It would go down from like 50 million people that vote to like 1 million people, but they would be the most devoted. It'd be like how U.S. elections work, where it's like, hey, pretty great turnout this year, 45%. That's not bad.

I love in-person voting.

We're going to do more of, yeah, our democracy is in absolute tatters. Not really even a democracy to begin with, so just kind of a system of norms that turned out. We're not very normed.

Listen, we all went to high school, and the dumbest pigs are running the farm. The meanest bullies you've ever experienced.

The dumbest pigs. The dam breaks and the pain comes through.

Zoe listed some more of these animal parade riddles that we did last time I was in charge. And I love these. Can I just say, I love these.

Wait, sorry, is Old Man Puzzles in charge all of a sudden? Is Old Man Puzzles the one that is allowed to make the final call? Like if I got really hurt and had a medical situation right now, would you get to make the choices for me because you're Old Man Puzzles? Do you become the default?

DNR. Do you not resuscitate? Oh, is that what that means?

You didn't even ask what was medically wrong with me. I don't like that. Don't ask, don't tell, Erin.

Don't ask, don't tell. DMB. Not my business. Just kill her. I don't need to know.

It's a broken arm, asshole.

Sir, she's up in bed and talking. No, DNR. What the fuck is an arm, asshole?

I mean, if that breaks, you're pretty fucked, right? I don't even know that I had one.

Adal, you're going to be making all my medical choices. Adal, you are the default old man puzzle. You created the show. You're the first old man puzzle. So if anything goes awry here, I think you need to take over.

You're saying I have power of attorney?

I regret bringing any of this up.

Well, I regret that we simply must do an animal parade. You did say animal parade. Just to make quite sure, you did say Wolf Raid Puzzle, didn't you? No. I'm in charge.

Sean. Adal, that looked like someone who is the first marching band in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade took one step and fell and ate shit immediately.

They're like, sir, it's September 24th, and I'm like, oh, am I early?

They blow the whistle, they're like, and up, and fall.

We were going to do more of Zoey's Animal Parade riddles, the riddles that Zoey submitted based off of, loosely off of Animal Parade. So no parade. But I was going through these, and I think we're going to skip around. They submitted more than we're going to end up using, but I want to do this one because I think this one is very fun.

We've got to do an Animal Parade intro first.

We're Come on! I cannot be, no, it was the whole episode last episode. I cannot be more clear with you.

A seagull with a buzz cut.

We have much more to do today than these animal parade riddles. We are finishing these up from the last episode. You already had your cake. You cannot have two cake. Let the meat cake.

That's a bad thing.

When that lady said that, it was a bad thing. I hate teacher.

Teacher's so mean. Teacher's so mean. Although when I'm teacher, I really like when you guys respect and listen to me.

Here's, okay, I'll give you a refresher on the game, but the game is, I'm going to give you four animals, and then you're going to have to, and then I'm going to give you the lost animals, and I can also give you the lost items, and then you'll have to give me, so it's like four animals lose their items, and then you'll have to give me what you think the answers are, okay? So your first one is a tiger with pancakes, a rabbit with drumsticks, A cuckoo bird, or a cuckoo bird, with earmuffs, and a toucan with newsgroups.

These are all serial mascots with pancakes? What was it?

Adam, you are correct. These are all serial mascots. You have it. But you're lost animals now. So, it's pancakes, drumsticks, earmuffs, and newsgroups. The lost animals that you're looking for to solve for are bee, frog, and wolf.

Honey Nut Cheerios.

Mm-hmm. So how are we getting to- Smacks the frog. Tony the Tiger. Smacks him in the lips. Frosted Flakes, but here he- Oh, Frosted Flakes Pancakes.

Yes.

What was the second one was? A rabbit with drumsticks. Rabbit. Rabbit would be tricks, drumsticks. Okay, got it.

So Cheerios would be- He's a genius, he's doing this.

Merry Souls.

Now, one of the reasons why I said it was hard was they really couldn't come up with something that rhymed with Cheerios. So this is the slantiest of slant rhymes. So if you could get something that kind of sounds like Cheerios.

Cheerios. Merry Souls. Cheerios.

Scary Hoes. Erin, I'll give you Scary Hoes.

Okay. I wish you wouldn't.

They had Stereos, but I think Stereos and Scary Hoes is close enough, so I'll give you Scary Hoes.

I'm Yeah, like earmuffs, newsgroups. Cause hoes, I figured. Okay, never mind. Wolf would be cookie crisp? Is that a wolf? Yeah, it is. Okay. You got the cereal, right?

So what does the wolf have?

Cookie crisp. Charming lisp.

A lisp! That's actually the one that they had. You got that one right on the money. Well, I do want to see a scene. This is kind of really our bread and butter. I want to see a scene. Adal, you are the wolf, I think it is, on the Cookie Crisp box, and you're talking to Erin, who is a child, through the box.

Is he eating? Cookie Crisp. Not again. Mom!

Beth, no, Beth. Beth, listen. It's time to try me out. No more Rice Krispies, try Cookie Crisp.

Hey, hey.

I never realized that I sound like Pennywise.

Yep, yep. Hey, last time this happened, um, a frog, um, came- Fucked your mom? Yeah, came out of the box, fucked my mom, and they got married, uh, last year in Vegas. Ooh, congratulations! He's my stepdad, he's actually at my parent-teacher conference right now. Um, I can't do this. What's your name?

Uh, my name is... Oh, no one's ever asked me. I want to say Cookie Wolf?

Okay, Cookie Wolf.

But that could be a TV on the radio album.

My mom is freshly fucked, so got that under control. This has been devastating for me. I'm getting teased at school. My stepdad's a frog. You understand?

Yes. I was teased at school, too. I had a charming lisp. Charming lisp.

Okay. Cookie Wolf. You seem great. You're dessert for breakfast. Oh. This is awesome. Yeah.

I don't know if I should be eating- How's breakfast going down there, honey?

Good. Good, Mom. Yeah. Wait! Mom!

No.

I don't- You don't want to fuck my mom?

I do, but... Yes, honey?

How serious are you about smacks?

Honey, I can't hear you. I just got out of the shower. Do you want me to come down there?

Do you want me to introduce you?

If I bite you, do you turn into cereal? Never mind.

Sweet! This is viral marketing for our Smacks the Frog Please Don't Fuck My Mom shirt that we have at the Tee Public store right now. Click the link in the show description if you want to go pick that up. Can you imagine? Perfect for the holidays.

A box of cereal that says the cereal that fucks your mom.

I mean, now I can.

Would you believe that I felt like I could not, when I commissioned this specific piece of artwork, that I could not put the words, fuck my mom, on the box? So I said, we'll kind of cleverly allude to it, but I don't think anyone's going to wear a shirt with the word, unless the shirt just says, please don't fuck my mom.

Well, put it on the back of the shirt, because that's what you did with your demographic shirt. People wear that in public. That's right. Can you imagine – I know being a teacher right now is incredibly hard and maybe the worst time in history, but can you imagine being a teacher – Why? What happened? What? Can you imagine being a teacher in like 1997 and you have a class filled with students who had cookies for breakfast, trying to teach them. Their brains are literally – they just had a ton of sugar and dessert an hour ago and now they're loose until it's Dunkaroo time in the middle of the day.

We just gobbled down a bowl of mostly marshmallows. Isn't that insane to just be like, I ate marshmallows for breakfast. I ate 1.3 pounds of marshmallows for breakfast, ready to learn.

Pumped them filled with sugar and was like, okay, go learn how to be a doctor. Let's do this.

It's, yeah, I don't, yeah, I mean, I think that there's like, I mean, there's just a lot, a lot wrong with that scenario. But my mom, when we were growing up, we weren't allowed to have sugar cereal and we weren't allowed to have like soda. And I'm like, I did. I had a lot of sugar cereal and I had a lot of soda. Welcome back. That's addict behavior.

I was going to say that, but I think my mom, looking back, should have gotten better snacks. The best we would ever have is Cheez-Its sometimes or a Cape Cod potato chips. I ended up hitting my head all the time. Speaking of concussions, I ended up not turning out right. I could have used a better snack. I could have used some Gushers from time to time. Oh, Gushers.

Top tier snack. I feel very conflicted because around Halloween this year, I do not want to hand out candy because I don't condone the eating of candy. It's not something that we eat in my house. And I hate that I'm like, well, yeah, but I'll just feed all of the neighborhood children full of candy. But then again, I don't want to be the house on Halloween that's giving out a nice shiny apple. But as I was walking around trick-or-treating, I haven't been trick-or-treating, obviously, in decades, I was like, well, what the fuck do people get that's not- He said that like he's been in disguise several times, but keep going. Yeah, I'm just taking candy that other kids would be getting and throwing them in the dumpster. It's like the trick-or-treat Grinch. But I was like, I don't want to buy candy, and I did. I ended up buying candy this year, you know, to hand out. But I saw so many people having awesome, like, I wrote down all these ideas for, like, non-candy things that people were giving out on Halloween. People were giving out these, like, little, like, single, like, Play-Doh things. People were giving out, like, little, like, it's not... You know, not necessarily better, but little like plastic spider rings, like little like five simple toy things. People were giving out little like bags of cheese puffs. Like, I don't know, like, I don't know what the brand were, but they were just like a ton of little things, some snacks, some toys, some things like that, that were not candy. And I was like, okay, cool. So this is the last year. This is the last year that I do candy and next year I'm doing like little trinkets.

There was a house in my neighborhood in Chicago that it was really funny. They would dress up like in Easter wear, the mom and dad that was handing out candy, and they'd have eggs. And some of them would have like one starburst in it or like a little Halloween toy. But some of them had like $5 bills in it. So people would go and it's like there's this excitement about what you could get in your

We're kind of one of those fun couples. We're a deranged family.

But you hitting on like a toy or Play-Doh is not, you're not establishing your brand as the craziest guy in the neighborhood. Like, I think you need to do, you're a professional comedian. You're exceptionally insane. Like maybe hand out something that is a representation of your branding.

And I do, oh, yep, I do see that there is a, all right, here we go. Let me just press this button. It's the craziest man in the neighborhood, the wackiest dude in the town. The weirdest man in Halloween is J.P. Riddles. Halloween recap.

Can I also say- He eats his sweater and takes off his shoes and throws them through a window. J.P.C.

casually brushing aside the call for J.P. Riddles. Thank you for listening! And I will also say, even if I tried, I would be nowhere near the craziest motherfucker in the neighborhood because there are some crazy motherfuckers in my neighborhood. And Erin, you're going to love this. They're not doing it to be funny. Okay. A lion with a cane, kangaroo with a couch, rhino with some corn, and a shark with a pen.

Now is some corn? Is that, um, is it necessarily, is it necessary to say some?

No, I just think it's, it's just, if you say acorn, it sounds like acorn. I see. Yeah. Or, but so it's, it's just corn.

Is this a word one or like a... Does it rhyme with like where they live or something about them?

Something about them. Not where they live, but yes, something about them.

So kangaroos have pouches. Okay. This kangaroo had a couch. Lions have manes. This one has a cane.

Yeah.

Rhinos have horns. This has corn. Sharks have fins. This one has a pin.

Okay. So your lost animals are a camel, an elephant, and a lobster.

Camels have mumps. Elephants have trunks, skunks.

Okay, that works. What was your word for camel?

You just said mumps. Humps to mumps, I guess.

Humps to mumps, okay.

And lobsters? And lobsters have shawls. No, that doesn't rhyme with claws. What, Erin?

Flaws. They have flaws.

Yes. So you got it. It was flaw was right on the money. So Erin gets two bonus points. The elephant has a drunk and the camel has a pump.

The elephant has a drunk. Yeah, that makes more sense than mine.

What was yours? I was just pregnant for two years. I was just pregnant for two years. What, a can of a drink after making an elephant? I was pregnant for two years.

Yeah, Adal, you're going to be that guy to deny the elephant a drink after they were pregnant for two years.

I want sushi, I want soft cheeses, and I want to get margaritas with my girls.

That elephant can't have sushi.

Oh, can it?

That's a grape for a dog, Erin. It's poison for an elephant.

No, it's not. Yeah, it upsets my tummy a little bit, but I'm mostly just having the best time out here. I'm gonna take a bath in the mud.

Mother elephant found dead after consuming sushi, which, as we know, is like grapes for dogs.

And guess what? She died smiling, bitch. Aww.

That's the bar. As long as you die with a smile on your face, you can go out however you want.

That's my dream for every woman out there, elephant or not, I hope you die with a smile on your face.

At the local watering hole.

Free as a bird.

Oh, I have a dream about every woman.

Every woman.

And you know how I want to go out, Erin? On a break. With a break. Yeah, with an ad break. That's how I want to go. You got it, Erin. That's another two points. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Excuse me, you two travelers. I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2018?

Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense.

Yeah. Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is, so could you just tell us how much money you need and we'll kind of be on our way? 500 bucks. Okay, well, hey, 500 bucks, if you have that kind of money. Squarespace, well, hold on, wait, how do I tie this in? How do I tie this in? I won't, I'll just say, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Hey, street con man, maybe if you had a Squarespace website, you wouldn't have to approach people on the street.

Oh yeah, I could just do like a video of this, because Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Oh, that'd be so much easier.

Hey, Guy from the past, or whatever your thing is, get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Did you know most of those words, Guy from the past?

Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name's just Jeff and I'm from now.

Okay, guy from the past, I have a great, looks like the domain, www.guyfromthepastwhoneeds$500.com is still available. Now, here's the thing.

Yes!

I know that when we mention stuff in ads, people buy the websites. Guys, if you want to, just make sure you head to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using coupon code RIDDLE.

I love our listeners. That's insane.

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website. Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website? What is a website?

There we go.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Countdown over. It's the holiday season. Time to buy gifts. I'm so excited. I'm going to decorate. I'm going to buy gifts.

Erin, Erin, slow down. You sound and look stressed. But Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high-quality finds you won't see anywhere else. Now, Erin, how does that make you feel?

Oh, I feel way better. Yeah. And Erin, you should feel even better because Uncommon Goods, their items are crafted by independent artists and small businesses, making every gift feel meaningful and truly one of a kind.

And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3.1 million to date.

Plus, Uncommon Goods has something for everyone.

From moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and diehard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners, you'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else. And again, they want me to differentiate. That is diehard fans and football fans. I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the major motion picture diehard, but you can look.

And Ms. Keif, can I tell you, last year my parents got me Common Goods. I got like a bag of flour and a brick. Well, that's no fun. No, I want Uncommon Goods.

That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments. Get some Christmas candles. Get some stuff for Christmas and put it on your house.

Hey, whatever you do, don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash riddle. That's uncommongoods.com slash riddle for 15% off Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary.

But don't take it from them. Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun. Probably should have done it at the beginning though, right?

Huh? Stay on that side of the street. Oh. Stay over there. Do you need me to start the ad? No. Stay there.

Everybody say, thank you, Miss Erin. I thanked you guys in the other ones. You want a big win? Not getting thanked. Oops, uh oh, here we go. Adal, JPC, I need to get a last minute gift for my parents. Forgot to get them something, maybe something sentimental that they can use around the house. Panic cake, panic cake.

Erin, baby, calm down. You got an ace up your sleeve, baby. So many cards up my sleeve. The best gift you can get a parent, or really anyone in your life, is an Aura Frame. Have you heard of this? You seen this?

Okay, I'm already feeling a little calmer. What are we talking about?

We're talking about Aura Frames. You can upload unlimited photos and videos. Just download the Aura app and connect to Wi-Fi. Plus, you can preload photos before it ships.

So you can send photos from anywhere, anytime to the Aura Frame that you give as a gift.

And Erin, here's something parents go nuts for. You can share photos and videos effortlessly. So if Gemma and I go on a fun trip, I upload some of those pics to my mom's frame, she's going nuts. She's loving it. She feels like she's engaged with my life.

Okay, awesome. And also they have a gift box included. So every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, phew. Oh my goodness.

Take it from me, Mr. Last Minute, aka the grim rapper. Hit the beat. For a limited time, save on the perfect gift by visiting orframes.com to get $35 off Or's Best Selling Car from Matt Frames.

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And Erin, as just a placeholder, we're going to get like an actual like rapper, musician in.

Great, because that whole character is very confusing.

Yeah. Grim rapper, Mr. Last Minute, what's not there to give?

Mr. Last Minute is so funny. My name is Cyborg Monday and I am feeling very tired. I need a place to rest my weary head.

Oh, probably Cyborg spelled S-I-G-H, don't you think, JPC?

Yeah.

See? Cyborg, you should lay down on JPC's Helix mattress.

Oh, amazing.

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Ooh, calculating. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. I just got matched with the Midnight Luxe. Yum, yum, yum. Very good sleep.

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I am the one that did the silly voice this time. Can you believe it? A-bee-boo-bop.

We just met you. All right, we are back and sometime, at some point, someone gave me a riddle book. Was it while we were on tour? Could have been. Was it something that someone mailed us? Very possible.

Adal and I have something we want to say.

Please.

We have decided that we want to unionize and we're going on strike against old man puzzles. You've been throwing your weight around this episode. It made us feel very small. We want health insurance. We want eight weeks paid time off.

I'll give Adal health insurance because he'll never use it. You can have zero health insurance.

What?

Health insurance for you, Erin, would bankrupt us. It would destroy the show.

Erin, I think this is good. I think this is as good as we're gonna get.

I want eight weeks paid time off. I want you to pay for my apartment.

Erin, you have that. You work at most four hours a week. You have eight weeks paid time off.

Not for you. Excuse me, I would like to not do a scene ever again. I would like to be able to call whatever scene I want. Adal, what are your demands?

My demands were actually met, so I'm actually going to sit down. I need to sit down.

You're a scab. I need to sit down.

Huh? No, he's not a scab. He got his demands met. Yeah.

You guys just formed a marketing unit.

Erin, I'm going to go ahead and deflate this big rat we bought. Come on. It's $300 a day, and we have to deflate this big rat.

All right.

Oh my God, I thought that was a real rat.

Back to working for the man.

That was why I caved. I thought that thing was going to eat me.

All right, ready for this riddle book that someone handed you at some point.

Someone did a really nice thing, though, when they... Let's see, did they write their name on it? Yeah, maybe. Maybe they probably wrote a really nice letter or something that I've thrown away. But they did a really nice thing when they handed me this riddle book, or sent this riddle book, where they tabbed out, with these nice colorful tabs, which are the best riddles in the book. Now, some of them are visual riddles, so I'd have to just skip them anyway.

A riddle sommelier.

Yeah. Huh. Is that...

Sure. Picking out the best. Yeah, I guess so.

That's amazing.

Curating an experience.

So this is a curated riddle experience. Here's your first riddle from this curated riddle experience from this book. The font on the front of this book is so hard to read that I'll just never know what the book is called.

Oh, take a picture of that font and let's use it for the shirt that says, please don't fuck my mom.

Ah.

What if we wrote, please don't fuck my mom, but we just like translated it into Japanese and then back to English. We did that like six or seven times.

Oh guys, can we write it in wingdings? Come on.

The wind will never know the touch of a fem. I guess.

Okay, here's your first one. On your back or hold me in your hand, break the former, a bill to demand, break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

Letter, I'm assuming, with T's not D's.

Oh, yeah, baby, T's not D's.

T's get degrees. On your back or hold me in your hand?

On your back or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand. Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

So back would be breaking to get a bill. So on your back probably has to do with the bill being paid.

On your back or hold me in your hand, break the former, a bill to demand. Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

So if you hold it in your hands and break it, you'll get knowledge. Is this like a book?

Fortune cookie.

Adal, a book is part of it. We're actually looking for like two things and one of the things is a book.

The second one's a book. A checkbook.

Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

Is that, that's not the book one?

That's the book one. That is the book one. Yeah, but the answer's not book, but it's describing a book. Yes.

Interesting. On your back, build to demand.

What would you break on a book to land some knowledge? Egg. We both said egg. Well, just because that's like an answer to like riddles. Is that why you said that?

Yeah, let's say yeah. It's not that I don't know how to read.

Or how to cook an egg.

Honestly, if the book is hot enough, like if it's a Dan Grisham, you could cook an egg on it. Is it Dan Grisham? No, it's John Grisham, right? Dan Brown and John Grisham. Dan Brown.

Charlie's dead. On its back.

So, yeah, this is a part of a book. A spine.

Oh, if you break your spine, you have to pay the medical bills. Mm-hmm. Not you, Adal. Not me, because I don't use my health insurance.

Well, no, you haven't. You negotiated for it. Yeah. Yeah. What did I get? You didn't get anything, Erin. Adal got everything.

Woo. What happened?

You'll break your spine, and you'll be like, uh, I think my spine hurts. I think my spine hurts now. Okay. You could go see a spine doctor. You don't have to. I'm not making you go see a spine doctor.

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are someone who is about to get a very invasive spine surgery. JPC, you're the substitute doctor that showed up that day, and you're trying to inspire confidence in Adal.

Um, I've never had a spinal tap before. So the needle goes into my, into my spine.

Yeah, it's going to go into the base of your spine. But it's going to feel very sharp. And I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna feel painful for a moment. But when we give you the spinal tap, that's also how we're going to give you all of your painkillers for the procedure. So after that, you will not feel a thing.

Dr. Richards is he's, there's no way to get him on call or

I'm sorry, I thought it was explained to you. Dr. Richards was in a ski accident. Not a ski accident, it was on purpose. He's doing his first threesome at a ski chalet. It's not the kind of threesome he planned on, but he's crossing it off his bucket list. It's with his wife's best friend, Marv.

And see that's where I'm confused, because this all was told to me, but I guess I just don't understand that his wife... I don't understand that people are still named Marv these days?

The situation was he asked his wife for a threesome for his birthday, and his wife agreed to it. But she threw in the fact that it was going to be a threesome with her best friend Marv.

And so I'm confused because clearly the wife had been wanting to sleep with Marv and just roped him in at the first chance.

Oh, great question. So no, that's not my understanding of the situation. My read on the situation is that she did not want her husband to have an excuse to sleep with another woman. So in order to like acquiesce to his birthday request, she brought in her friend Marv. Kind of as a way to make her husband feel uncomfortable. But Dr. Richards is big on this bucket list, as you know, as he's probably told you many times before.

He used to have it laminated in the office, yeah.

But you're in great hands. This is one of the best spinal surgery centers in the western United States. And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am an excellent spinal surgeon and a clown.

Hmm. Oh, okay.

That explains the shoes and the makeup and the... Dr. Wiggles, I have the OR prepped for surgery.

Oh, Dr. Wiggles is in 102. Oh. Yeah. Fantastic.

Oh, so sorry.

Sorry. It happens all the time. It's because we have the same hair.

Right.

Big, curly, red hair.

Yeah, wasn't he... You weren't supposed to do this surgery, though, today.

Wait a second. You're... You're... You're Rick Astley? Oh my God. They got me. You're not Rick Astley, this is I Got Pranked. Wow.

Wow, we gotcha.

So wait, wait, who got pranked? Me?

Alright, count backwards to 10 and we're gonna go 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 8, he's done.

He's dead dead. Throw this guy in the fucking trash. He's dead dead. Scrambled four, I'm something to fear, scramble one more, and I'm the ground near.

With my six, I sustain you, dear.

These are hard. Huh?

Yeah, I feel like I need a little sketch. I feel like I need a dry erase board for these.

Scrambled four, I'm something to fear. Scrambled one more, and I'm the ground near. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

Yeah, I don't know. These numbers, I don't know how they intersect with the words here.

Is it something we consume?

We need a name for one of these riddles.

Like we should name these riddles where you add letters. This type? Yeah. Yeah, scramble makes you think egg, so I really wanted you guys to say egg again so that you could say egg for every one of these riddles. Egg. Yeah, so scrambled four, I'm something to fear. Scrambled one more, I'm the ground deer. Seg. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

Egg is the first one, though.

No, egg is not the first one. The scramble is kind of a red herring there.

Oh, a red herring.

The easiest one to get is the end of it. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

Six-letter word for something that sustains you? Mm-hmm. Dinner.

Air, oxygen.

Breath.

Breath.

Breath.

Oh, bear would be four. Yes.

Is that right? Yes, I believe so.

Okay, and then I had a letter, it's either T or an H, the ground.

It doesn't matter, you don't need to get the middle one because the answers in the back of this book, I think bear is correct, but the answers in the back of the book only say breath. So they do not provide the answer for the first two. What?

Insane.

What do you think the answer to the first one is though?

I think it's bear, scrambled for and something to fear.

Oh, okay.

And then the middle one, your guess is as good as mine, because we have B-E-A-R, and then there's a T and an H that go into there, so... Well, so maybe Bear is not wrong. H-E-A-R-T would be... Scramble one more, I'm the ground near, but no, that's a hearth. I wouldn't be... Hearth? Hearth would be like a fireplace, right? I'm the ground near? I don't know.

I don't know. Well, comment below, wherever that is.

The best part about it is we don't need to know.

Yeah.

We could just move the fuck on.

All right, I'm ready. Yeah.

Here's your riddle. I'm six letters and my whole, W-H-O-L-E, is creation. I'm six letters and my whole is creation. My three, four, and five family we be, but add six and a ruler I see. 4 and 5 are never out, while my 1, 2, 4, and 5 are what it's all about.

1, 4, and 5 are always the least, but 1, 2, and 5 took a giant leap. Queen.

I don't believe Queen is correct. This book does have hints, though.

I'm ready for the hints. Prince.

Let's see. Now, Erin, I know you're ready for the hint. The hint might not be helpful. I've been looking at the hints for the last two riddles that we did and they were not really helpful. But let's try it. Let's try a hint and see if it's helpful. Your hint for this one, this is fun because this is a book, but all of the hints in the book point to other pages in the book to be like, your hint is on this page. So one of the words that you would need to unlock this is printed on a page of this book. So it's not really a great hint for me who's just reading the riddle to you. It's more of a hint if you're, wow. You know what? I never thought about somebody buying one of these books and sitting there cracking it open and doing it themselves. Like it's a workbook.

Yeah.

But that seems like the way that this is written.

Of course.

Oh yeah. Do you think there are people that just sit there and read through riddle books?

Yeah, that's what I did when I was a kid. You read through riddle and joke books.

You try and solve them. You try to solve them. Whenever I had a riddle book or a joke book, well, joke book specifically, but a riddle book, it was always me opening it up and doing the riddles for a group of people.

Okay, someone's bragging about having friends growing up. Adal, do you want to go get a drink or play some mini golf or something?

My demands were met.

I feel like, well, I don't know, I grew up in an era of video games, so I don't know why I would have ever sat with a riddle book and done that by myself. When I could be like, oh, I could just play Age of Empires 2 right now. There's no reason for me to play riddles with myself. I'm six letters and my hole is creation.

Creation. God. That is my hole is creation.

Earth.

Space. No.

Big Bang.

It's not Big Bang, and it's not... Big Bang. Okay, one of the things that this book says is... Maybe this is the hint that I can provide you. It says, but one, two, and five took a giant leap. So I will give you one, two, and five. Perfect. One, two, and five took a giant leap. I think you guys can actually get this one. What takes a giant leap? Where have you heard that phrase before?

Uh, moon. Space landing. That's one small step for mankind.

Man.

So you got 1, 2, and 5 are man.

Man.

So M-A blank blank in blank.

Goddamn, I have to write this down.

Sorry, can you repeat that?

M-A blank blank in blank. And now I'll give you this line. My 1, 2, 4, and 5 are what it's all about.

Two. Love, M-A... Name?

Erin, I want to see you seed. We're going to be doing a spelling bee. You're going to get words. Adal and I are going to be the judges of the spelling bee. We're going to keep giving you words, and you're going to keep spelling them absolutely incorrectly. You're going to spell different words that we say correctly, but not the word that we say.

Your next word is pancreatic.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Could I have a definition, please?

Having to do with the pancreas.

Language of origin?

Latin.

And can I hear it in a sentence?

Your word is pancreatic.

Thank you. J-E-N-N-I F-E-R space L-O-P-E-Z. Pancreatic.

Jennifer Lopez, that is correct.

Should we get the, before the next contestant, should we get the microphone checked? Because what did I, I heard her spell Jennifer Lopez. Rick, what did, what did you hear?

Pancreatic, right?

Uh, I guess so. I guess people would be making a bigger deal if she just came up there and spelled Jennifer Lopez.

Yeah, the audience seems to be pretty mild. Okay.

Okay.

Is the peyote wearing off? It should be worn off.

It must be. It must be. We did it. Oh, do a word. We did it 45 minutes ago. It must be almost done.

We haven't said anything into the mic in 30 minutes.

Can I have my word?

They're noticing.

Are you the same child or a different child?

I'm a different child. I'd like my word, please.

Can you prove it?

looks over at the other child.

Tell us something only a different child would know. Yeah.

I don't know how to spell the word they just spelled. Does that help?

Yeah, that checks out. Yeah, that makes sense.

I'm ready for my new word, please.

Your word is umbrella. Don't make up words.

Could I have a definition, please?

Oh, fuck. I made that word up. Hey, man, look at that. What the hell is that? Some kind of umbrella?

He used it in a sentence. Language of origin?

Spanish.

Great. J-E-N-N-Y space F-R-O-M space T-H-E space B-L-O-C-K. Umbrella.

Oh, I wasn't listening. Did she say it? Jenny from Block, that is correct.

Wait, now you were supposed to say Umbrella.

That's correct. Yes. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Okay. Oh, no. All right, everybody thinks it's so funny to give the vice principal's peyote before they have something really important to do.

Wait, what?

Well, peyote is your word.

It's a Wednesday.

Peyote Wednesdays.

Peyote who?

That's a thing.

Taco Tuesdays, Peyote Wednesdays.

Alright, Peyote. Language of origin, please.

Desert. Jennifer Lopez. We did a desert.

K. K, wrong.

Eh, eh, wrong. I haven't even done it. You said K. I said okay. Oh, then that's correct. So you have MA in, while my 1, 2, 4, and 5 are what it's all about.

MA blank in, and it's what it's all about. And does it stay in that order? So we're just looking for a word that- Yes. M-A blank N. Many.

What it's all about.

M-A blank N. You're looking for, it's a vowel, I'll say. Mana. Main. Main. It's the main, yeah, the main thing. What it's all about.

Main, main. Oh, I thought we were looking for the fifth letter.

No, you have the fifth letter. The fifth letter is N. So the fourth letter is I. And then my three, four, and five, In family we be.

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you are God and you just created the earth in seven days. And Adal, you're his friend or partner and you're wanting to go out to dinner, but JPC, you're too tired after creating everything.

Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock. Hey.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Don't knock and then just come in.

Sorry.

I was creating.

You whipped something across the room. What was that? Into your pile of clothes that you're going to hang up.

Hey, don't worry about it. I'm in here creating the world. I'm doing what you told me to do. You said go create the world.

Did I say that?

You said something like that. What do you want? What do you want?

We have reservations at 8.

Oh my God.

Yeah. Tonight? Yes. Well, can we cancel? No, it's Lucky Brand Steakhouse. They brand the beef with our names.

And this is the dinner with your boss, your new boss?

Yeah. So please wear the robe with the tie. Listen, um, God, we... I can't. Are you kidding me? This has been on your calendar for... Do we have a time system yet?

Um, no, did I make one? I think I made one of those six days.

Did you make one so I can yell it at you?

I guess it's what... Give me a name.

What do you call it so I can yell it at you?

Hey, give me a fucking second, okay? Wow.

Do you know what I've just done? Wow. First of all... And there it is. You're your father now. You've turned into your father. No. Wow. I am nothing like that thing.

Okay, he was, he was basically one big bang. I'm a lot of little bangs spread over the course of seven days.

You know, sometimes when you run to the grocery store, I pop into your room and I've seen what you've created. A little world that worships you. Oh, you've created a little world that worships you. They have books about you. They praise your name. They fall to their knees for you. You're, you're crazy.

Little is actually subjective. Because it's actually super big to them. I can't do this. You can't do this?

I can't do this. Mom, Dad. Oh, hey, honey. Can I go down to Earth and have dinner with my friends?

You told them about Earth? You told them about your little world?

I want to go down there. I want to be a carpenter, and then I want to have dinner with my friends on one side of the table.

My work is important, Helen, OK? My work is important. So yeah, I told our son about my fucking job.

We're not fighting. We're acting, sweetie.

I'm going to leave your dad! Look at this, look at this. It's storming. It's storming on Earth now. Are you all happy? You're doing that, right? That's you crying or something? Or that's you angry? No, I think it rains when the old man is snoring.

Hey everyone.

Your boss?

Your new boss? You put together, for what, six units of Measure It? Whatever we used before I did my thing?

Dad, have you invented video games? Because maybe I'll go play one of those.

Oh, you're going to love Age of Empires 2.

All right, let's do one more. These are horrible. They're all very hard. I believe in you guys, though. You guys are some of my best guys. You can find me on your head, depending on how your tresses sprawl. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer, or fall. In your ears and in the earth, and yet I could be nowhere at all. Hat, heat.

And that's where I bid you adieu.

You did a lot of work.

Are those two right? Cap, no. Hat, cap. Scarf, beanie.

You can find me on your head, depending on how your tresses sprawl. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer, or fall. In your ears and in the earth, and yet I could be nowhere at all.

Is it in autumn?

No, it's not like in the word seasons, but it's in like the concept of a season.

But not the four seasons. Change. Not winter, spring, summer, or fall.

Weather.

It's not weather. It's not change. Let's see. I don't think, I'm not holding out hope, but I will check the hint section. I hope the hint section just says, like, turn to page 68 or something like that. Would not be helpful to you guys. Okay. I mean, this is a pretty good hint. It just says where your torso is. Waist. Welcome back everyone.

Welcome to Swimmer's Earth.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Patrick Stewart.

Yeah, and yet I could be nowhere at all. That one's more opaque. I think I know the first couplet. I don't think it's going to help you. That one won't help you. Yeah, I think if you can get... It's where your torso sits, so it's in relation to your body. This one just gets you directly to the answer. Where does your torso sit in relation to your body?

Middle.

Okay, so the answer is middle.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

It just takes some time.

You can find me on your head depending on where your tresses sprawl, like a mid part. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer, or fall. The mid-season. And then middle ear and middle earth.

Oh, of course.

And yet I could be nowhere at all. Because the middle is not actually a place, it's a concept.

The middle is a great name for a town somewhere. Like in a book about a small town where something is amiss.

Also, great name for a Jimmy Eat World song. Possibly a Jimmy Eat World album? No, I don't think so. I think just the song.

Yeah, I sang it earlier.

Yeah, you sang it earlier.

Just take some time, et cetera, et cetera.

Et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, et cetera, et cetera.

Okay, you guys did really great with these riddles. You know what? I think you did better than you're giving yourself credit for. These were very, very difficult.

Yeah, they were.

I do want to see a very quick scene based off Middle Earth. Erin, you have fallen into Middle Earth. JPC, you're sort of like a Gandalf type, and you've come across too many interesting strangers, and so you're not in the mood to put up with Erin's questions or anything.

Wow.

Hello.

This is... Wait, wait. Are you a wizard?

Oh, Jesus.

Are you drinking mead? Oh my God, this rocks.

I'm sorry, I didn't even... I wouldn't even have said anything. I thought you were... I thought I knew you. I thought we had... But now I'm looking at your dress and you're obviously... Shit.

Oh my gosh, you're probably going to send me on this incredible journey where I'm going to meet a bunch of friends.

Can I get my check? Ah, Rutatouk. I have been waiting for you to enter this tavern so I might smite... Oh!

of the podcast. Uh, well, I'm getting kind of tired. Oh, Glenn's getting tired, everybody. I'm Rutatouche the Wizard. Yes.

Rutatouche the Wizard. Yes. Is there a prophecy about me?

Sure, you want a quest? Uh, okay, go find, uh, the dragon, uh... Wait, who's this guy?

Do we fight him? Punches him in the face?

That's Glenn. He's a waiter here. He was fucking with me. Yeah, go find the dragon. Puff, let's call him. Yeah, Puff. Let's call him Puff.

Puff the dragon.

Yeah, go find Puff the dragon and I guess slay him. Slay him!

Oh!

Make a mini fine coat out of his mini fine scales.

Make a many fine coat out of his many fine skills.

And then the moral will be the lesson that you learned as a friend is humanity.

Wait, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. I want to be surprised. Yeah, you figure it out. And then I'm the king and I'll have riches beyond my wildest dreams.

Why not?

And I'll go back to my world and there'll be lesson upon lesson upon lesson that I have learned.

Glenn, how have you not brought me the check yet? What are you doing? I got punched in the face.

Is this the dragon?

I'm going to put down three gold coins and I'm just going to walk. Have you guys ever done that? Have you ever just like put down money at a table because for whatever reason the check was not being brought to you?

I thought that only happened in movies.

I've done it before. I've also walked out of a restaurant twice in my life where they brought drinks, took my order, and then just never came back. And I waited enough time that I'm like, at this point I'm the sucker if I keep waiting here. Alright, well hey, speaking of that, what do you guys have to plug? Any favorite restaurants that you like to go to?

Um, come see quality time in Los Angeles. If you are here, if you lived here, if you live here or you're visiting, um, you can follow us at quality time on Instagram and we have a different theme every month and it's a different day and I'm really proud of it. And it's a lot of fun. Um, Adal, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Yeah, check out the podcasts Gumshoes and Dragons, check out Hello from the Magic Tavern, check out the Word Association, and check out our Patreon, Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. We have a lot of non-riddle content over there you might enjoy. JPC, anything to plug or promote?

Yeah, I mentioned it earlier in the episode, but we have new merch in the merch store for the holiday season. You can get some of our, two of our favorite and most classic bits now immortalized in merch. So check out our sweater merch from our classic sweater episode and our Smacks the Frog Please Don't Fuck My Mom cereal shirt. Both of those are in our store. You can go to heyriddleriddle.dashery.com or just click the link in the episode description if you want to check some of that out. Um, yeah, that's it for me.

Uh, Jupiter, I guess. Buh-bye!

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing, and Marty Parrot did the music.

Hey there, good kings and winces luses. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We bring you a Christmas pageant. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.

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