Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

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Adal, GPC and I just got our Hey and Riddle tattoo. Did you get a Riddle tattoo?

Yes.

Where is it?

Yeah, let's see it. Huh?

Let's see it. What did you two get?

He got Hey, and I got the first Riddle, and then your job was to get the second Riddle?

Yeah, the second. And that's the name of the show, is Hey Riddle Riddle, and the tattoo does not work if you didn't get that, because otherwise it's just Hey Riddle, and no one will know what the fuck that means, or Riddle Hey, depending on how we stand.

You know how I've been super unorganized recently? Okay. Recently, the last seven years. Seven. I got from the Magic Tavern.

Oh my god. Where?

On my lower back.

That fits. You got a tramp stamp. No. From the magic tattoo.

I got a tattoo on my lower back.

Well that actually fits because Erin got ass cheek and I got taint for our tattoos. So now it kind of like it all reads.

Well I got a tattoo that says ass cheek and it's on my face.

Yeah I got a forearm tattoo that says taint.

Is any tattoo Charlie Chaplin gets a tramp stamp? That's a lot of fun. And that's a lot of fun.

And that's what we like to call a lot of fun.

Let's air out the room. Our guest today, Mr. Joey Bland. Thank you so much for being here.

Hey, I'm tattoo-less. None. None. I'd be superfluous in your podcast title tattoos because I am a fourth person in a three-word title.

No, it'd be like room tone. You need that to set the mood for the tattoo that you're about to see.

Fair enough, fair enough. I could be a pause before or after. Joey Bland, human room tone.

God. Human metronome. With a name like Bland, it kinda does fit.

Oh my God, I know. I had an audition one time and the guy was like, Joey Bland? That's gotta be a stage name. And it's like, stage names are the reverse.

You go the other way, right?

You'd be like, I'm Joey Starm.

Hi, I'm Jennifer Boring.

Yeah, well that was my reply was like, it is, it is a stage name. My real name is Joey Rasmussen.

Now, Joey is anything but bland. You might know him from Improvised Shakespeare, one of the best improv shows you'll ever see. You might know him from the brand new podcast Like Minds, which you can find anywhere you find podcasts. You might know him from being a champion on Jeopardy, Boy, if you did, I'd be impressed. X amount of years ago. Was it... I don't know how to phrase this without insulting any listeners. Was it normal or college? It was normal Jeopardy.

And it was... The real thing? The real thing. The real thing. I was on it in 2005. I won twice and lost once. Everyone loses once.

Do you remember your final Jeopardy question that you won on?

Oh, God. Yeah, 100%. You gotta remember, I won twice. And I remember the final Jeopardy that I lost on. Would you like to hear them?

I would love to.

Okay. The first one was essentially, I think the category was something like 18th century correspondence. It was a really weird thing.

I would just write pigeon and then truck.

Yeah, it was crazy. It was a silly, not even a category. Oh, so Erin, pigeon, that's like the type of correspondence?

I'm not saying I would win.

I'm just saying I would panic and write pigeon. But that would fit in the category, correspondence with a C, not correspondence like the people who, but it was about a correspondent. And the question was basically, it was a quote, and it was like, who wrote this to her husband in whatever year, and it was an Abigail Adams quote.

Remember the ladies, I'm sure.

That's the one. That's the one. And I think we all got it.

You all got it?

Yeah, I think so. And then the second one was much harder, and it was one of those things where someone had not made it to Final Jeopardy, so it was just down to me and this other guy. and it was I think it was world capitals or some kind of capitals and I was pretty I that was I was like I know those um but that wouldn't really help and it was something this uh essentially the question was like what is the oldest capital city in the Americas and it was founded in like 14 something so at first people were like Boston you're like no 1400s my god so you have to think Where did Columbus land? And I kind of remembered that he landed on the island of Hispaniola, which is where Haiti and the Dominican Republic are, so I wrote down Santo Domingo, the capital of the Dominican Republic, which was correct. Oh, huge. But that also was really, really, because I had more than twice the other guy, so I knew I was going to win. So I was like floating at that point.

And the other guy wrote Pigeon, right?

I truly think the saddest thing you can watch on TV is on Jeopardy when someone goes, I guess, zeroes out or goes below. And for Final Jeopardy, they're like, we don't want you on camera. You can't even sit quietly.

Go to the shame box.

Back to the green room. Yeah. And, uh, and then, but I finished, they shoot like five in a day or they did. I'm sure they still do. They shoot like a week in a day. And so I finished, I was the Thursday and Friday shows. So I left LA as the champion. Like I've never flown home higher. Like it was just amazing. Then I came back and lost the first one the next morning and it sucked. You, but you went home? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I flew home. They only shoot on like Tuesdays and Wednesdays or something. So I flew home. So you had like a whole week of downtime. They had a week off and so I had two weeks off, flew back in.

And you couldn't tell anybody. You had to just walk around the world as the reigning Jeopardy! champion and no one knew. No one could know.

You're doing that thing where you jump and kick your heels and people are like, wow, Joey's really good.

Were you being so funny in improv shows that week? I killed. Zip, zap, zoom, ho, whoa.

Such good callbacks.

All kinds of cool tag outs. You're doing cartwheels instead of sweep edits.

This is how you do this stuff. Fair ladies and gents, our play takes place in Santo Domingo.

So what was the one that you got out on?

The question all boiled down to basically who's the youngest person to ever run for president on a major party ticket? Mr. Beast And it was Thomas Dewey of Dewey Defeats Truman and I knew I wasn't gonna get it. But I also made the giant colossal Jeopardy error of betting everything.

Oh no.

Never bet everything. You can't win with zero, you can win with a dollar. I wouldn't have won with a dollar, but I was stressed.

So this is the big regret, but it wouldn't have mattered.

No, my big regret was, there are sites you can go on now, and I think you could even then, that tell you every situation, the rules you should follow on a wager. And I was in second place, and I should have wagered in a certain pocket, and if I had done that, The woman who beat me, she and I both missed it. Okay. But I could have won by waiting correctly.

That's fascinating. I never even thought about there being like websites or guides where it's almost like Doyle's poker book or something where it's like here's the things you should always move in this manner.

There's a website that I use for that and it like without fail tells me because I use it because I have restaurant anxiety and it always says scream at the waiter and I've yet to do it yet.

I think you're reading your own blog.

I'm reading, it's a blog.

Yeah, it's your blog.

Yes.

Yes, okay. We're on the same page.

I like the way this guy writes.

When you were going on to Jeopardy, was there categories that you were like, please don't be on there? Or in stuff that you were kind of hoping for?

No, I read opera for dummies and I read classical music for dummies. I had one opera question and I still got it wrong. Nice. But there's not a lot of opera on there. What was your major in college? My major was religion.

We're

You know, there's such and such uprising in this country, and you're like, I've never heard of this thing, resulted in the collapse of the city of Nairobi. And you're like, well, I do know Nairobi is the capital of Kenya, so I'll guess Kenya. They do kind of nest clues a lot of times in Jeopardy! questions.

That's interesting. Probably doing the crossword over and over again, the more you watch Jeopardy, the more you get a sense for the language that they use and how you answer those questions.

Did you sweep a category while you were on it?

No, I came close.

What was the category?

Gosh, what was it? Dogs of the Bible. My major, Professor Holmes, will be so pleased. My dissertation on dogs of the Bible. There was one I feel like they showed outlines of countries, and I was just going right through it, and the last one I just really clunked up. I don't know, this was a long time ago.

You have pretty good recall of these things. It was traumatic.

It was easily the most nervous I've ever been in my life. Like when you start, my hand, like you have your thumb on the buzzer thing and my thumb was like just waving off the whole thing. I couldn't even compress it at first, I didn't think.

The skill of knowing a lot about everything, does that help you doing improvised Shakespeare? Because I feel like you guys like pull on so much stuff. Well, I mean,

Yeah, now it sounds real, this, you know, all real heady stuff. But I think, yeah, I mean, I think with improv, period, the more you know, the better, right? Yeah. Yeah.

But that's not really what this show is, just as a heads up.

Did we get that on mic? I'm gonna have to review that later.

I would say not knowing a lot of stuff, but being interested in a lot of stuff.

Yeah.

Was definitely helpful. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And, uh, yeah, and I think there was... I'll also say going on Jeopardy!, part of the tryout was definitely like an audition. Like, they wanted to see if you could... be chatty on the show.

Flirt with Alex Trebek.

Kind of. Those were the Alex days. And I will say, for a guy who, like, he was super good at his job. He did one of those things to me when I lost, and I missed the Thomas Dewey thing. I didn't even recognize it in the moment when I watched it. He looked at my answer and he goes, I think I guessed Barry Goldwater. And he goes, oh, not even close. Which sounded really jerky when I watched it. But on the day, I didn't feel that at all. I always felt like, oh my gosh, I'm making dad proud. And if I missed one, you could just tell he was like, hey, shake it off, kid. You'll be fine. And then he got one right, and he was like, you could feel like a pat on your back. He was really good at it.

I guess Easter Island, when I was on it, he said, swinging a miss, bitch.

When I auditioned he was like hanging outside of like the casting area just like playing a guitar like trying to look like Disinterested right and then like people would be like hey, are you? Yeah, actually my hotel's like not far away.

Oh, yeah, don't get me wrong like he was very good at his job But he was a total violent

I do watch the clip of him saying, so losers, when he calls that woman and her friend losers. It's awesome. It's awesome. And I love Alex Trebek, but this clip is one of the best things.

But he was famously a really mean guy. Unless he's trying to get Poon on the quad. So Joey, clearly love Jeopardy. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, crosswords, escape room, anything like that?

Oh god, I always feel like lateral thinking puzzles, riddles and that, I always know when the riddle gets read, I'm like, I know what I'm supposed to do. I understand that it's not, don't take it at face value. We'll see you next time.

After doing Minds, the podcast version and the live version, I feel like the way your brain works, though, if I were to be recruiting people who did Chicago improv to do an escape room with me, you would be someone I would think of.

I am beyond honored. I think I like being on the other side of it. I like being the person constructing the puzzle box. And I guess I'm that side of the sadism of it.

You would rather be Jigsaw than the person who has to cut their own arm off to get out of the- You know what? Me too!

I mean, but who? Would any of us? Yeah, I guess. As if you're just like, God, I'd love to be strapped into that thing. Rip my jaw.

Huh, would I rather be Jigsaw or Carrie Elwes? Let me think about that.

Hottest young actor of all time. I like to play the game, you know? Yeah, I do. My podcast, like mines, I do tend to write things puzzlier than like a straightforward trivia question. Somebody said like, you ask questions like a bridge troll.

And I took that as high praise. That feels like what a riddle is, right? A question a bridge troll would ask would be a riddle. That's my first riddle. Buck.

There you go. In that way, I'm very much summoning like my father who would like we play Trivial Pursuit in my house and he would never play because he kind of knew everything I think and he just had the patience for everyone else and he would walk through the kitchen and he would hear the question he would just say like, lucky charms. We'll be like, what the hell was that? And then afterwards he'd come back in and he'd be like, well, it was about the moon and there is a moon marshmallow. Like it was something really, really tangential. Just enough to like make everyone pissed off.

I love that he wasn't smug about it. He was just sort of getting his coffee. No, he definitely wasn't.

He was just passing through.

On to work.

Well, speaking of work, let's all get to work, and I'm going to read some riddles, and we can do our best to try to solve these riddles. Let's crack this. These are all going to be user-submitted riddles, and this first one is going to come from Mikos. It's kind of a warm-up riddle. Mikos writes, What has a nose and a tail, but cannot breathe? Nose and a tail, but cannot breathe.

Is this like a penny?

That's a really great answer, and it's acceptable, but it's not the one we're looking for.

Today we're

That was my next riddle. That was a really great question.

It is T-A-I-L

Nose and a tail, but know what? But cannot breathe.

Cannot breathe.

So it's not alive. Does wine have a, like a glass of wine have a nose? But I think it also can breathe.

Yeah, wine, I think, is famously something that you let breathe. You let it breathe.

But it can't literally breathe.

Well, but this is, I would say that it can't even figuratively breathe either, because that's no, it does no type of breathing one way or the other.

Is this like a freaking statue? Breathless.

It's not a statue because we're not doing an image. And I think that, um... Yeah, it's not a statue at all.

Oh, a plane.

Erin, plane is a great answer.

And it's not it?

It's not it, but it is... Yes, it is. I say it is. Erin, you don't have to participate for the rest of the riddle. You can have it off. You get off on a technicality. Because the answer's not plane, but it is like plane in that it has a nose and a tail that are not like a... Hey Riddle Riddle. And Erin, you don't have to do it anymore because you got played and you did so well so now you can take your much needed break. Or you can choose to help a friend.

Not like a rocket.

No, I would say this is much more of a personal transportation device. A bike, a Segway, a scooter. Segways have a tail. Scooter's closer. Scooter's closer.

Do people still put bras on their cars? Remember those? Like, it's not a bra.

Oh my god, my car has been wearing a bra at all. Oh my god.

How old's your car? There's like a black, I think they call them like bras. They would put like a black, mostly like Mitsubishi Lancers and stuff. They put like a black covering over it. You know what?

This might be a small town panel and I'm outing myself. I have seen what you are describing I did not know that it was called a bra, and I don't know what function it serves.

Adal, let's go to the car strip club. Is it covering the headlights? Buddy, I don't know if you're into that sort of thing. Let's go. Don't ask me about my first kiss. Don't ask me about my first kiss.

Right, Adal, like the grill of the car? The grill of the car, yes. And I have seen that. I don't know what it's for.

But in the mid-90s, everyone in my small town had like, not everyone, but a lot of people who had Mitsubishi Lancers would put up.

Everyone in my small town who also had a Mitsubishi Lancer.

This is like the jeep ducks thing that I just found out. It's been going on for a couple years but I just found out about it the other day. Ducks? Yeah you'll see people who drive jeeps specifically and they have these little rubber ducks and they keep them on their dashboards but if they see other jeeps like in the wild it's like a it's like a hey good on you type of thing where they'll take one of their ducks and put it on top of someone else's jeep to like pass the What's going on? I'd like to see a scene. The shrug. The little shrug.

I think airplanes just as good.

Yeah. As a skateboard, I agree. Would it be better? I think airplanes are even better than skateboards.

Yeah, let's play fucking Tony Hawk's plane. I'd like to see a scene. We'll have you two be cool kids at the skate park and Adal, you are a dad that used to skateboard and you're trying to like hang and be as cool as them.

Sure.

Today we

What?

Hey, mister, you alright?

You fell down pretty hard there this year. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. Stay back, stay back, stay back.

Stay down. Don't get up, don't get up, man.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Dude, your pants are ripped bad. Ooh, my coccyx, my coccyx. It looks like you're bleeding out of, like, your leg, too. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, man, I can see your underwear, and it's filling with blood. No, no, no, no, no. Don't stand up.

Don't stand up. I think it was, did you have tomatoes in your pocket?

No, yes. Hey, Brian, I'm gonna call my dad.

Yeah, my dad's an ear, nose, and throat surgeon, so he might be able to help with whatever he's got.

I think it's my testicles. Oh my God. Dude, don't show us your testicles.

Yeah, we're kids. Hey, mister. Hey, mister, we're kids. No, I'm saying the... We're 14 and 15, so please don't show us your testicles.

The tomatoes, those are... I have... Can you go get a grown-up? What? Go get a grown-up.

It's a skate park.

Hey, mister, one of your eyes is facing the wrong direction.

Oh no, not again. It's a skate park, man. There are no grown-ups here. It's just me and my shitbag friends. Yeah, man, there aren't supposed to be any grown-ups.

What are you even doing here, man? Here, let me... Oh my god, your testicles swell.

Let me get on my wall. Where did you get that old Bart Simpson-looking skateboard? I've never seen a skateboard like that.

It's so wide. You know the arcade machine, the Simpsons arcade machine with the four players and like Homer has a bowling bag and Marge has a vacuum?

I guess? I guess I know the theory of what you're saying. I understand everything you're saying.

I know what Simpsons is. I don't remember what Lisa had but Bart had a skateboard but I won the 1987 championships and they gave me a replica. 1987?

Wait, 87? Yeah. That's like 10 years before either one of us were born.

Yeah, and two years before The Simpsons. Well, this is like Tracey Ullman's show. Oh, yeah. Hey, you're pretty cool, man.

Oh, what? Hold on, let me get out my phone. Can you say that again, record?

Uh, that's your phone? What's up? It has an antenna.

Hey guys, working on your jump. Oh my god. Sorry, my dad's here.

This is your dad? Your dad? Carol! Hey Carol! Your dad knows about the Tracy Ullman show. And I think his testicles exploded. Yeah, one of them's getting real big.

Sorry, guys, my dad sucks. He named me Carol and I'm like a child and that's sort of a lot. After Carol Channing. It's horrible. And he wanted to connect with me because he knows I love skateboarding. We can sort of skate away. You don't have to talk to my dad.

Yeah, we can go, Carol, if you want, but seriously, I think your dad's severely injured.

Yeah, yeah. And that's still not gonna bring Mom back. Let's go, boys.

There goes the most beautiful girl in the world.

I love you, baby. Hey, man, you can't say shit like, oh, no, I forgot that you're her dad. That's my daughter. Yeah, no, it's fine.

It's still weird for you to say it when we can see you're nuts.

I just, I had a gut reaction when an old man said that about Carol, who's a friend of mine.

Yeah, don't worry, guys.

We got defensive for Carol.

Let's go to 7-Eleven and tell them.

You could've named her after the movie, Carol. Quick somebody wear my clothes and do a cool trip

Stop trying to take your pants off. Holy crap, sir. Nobody's putting on your clothes.

This guy just got all his clothes off. No one's going to stop. Yeah, good luck getting your clothes off because your whole leg is so swollen at this point.

Yeah, dad, don't have my friends wear your clothes and then film themselves doing a trick to send to mom. That's weird, dad.

I can't feel my stomach. I bet you can't, sir. Your testicle is the size of a Nerf football. It looks like your stomach is filling up with dead blood.

I know Nerf. I know Nerf. Everybody knows Nerf. What's Nerf?

We're still kids. Carol's right. Let's get to 7-Eleven. Oh man. My sister did win a skateboard. She won a skateboard from Pizza Hut, and it was like the width of a coffee table. And it's Dr. Pepper on it.

That's the most 1990s sentence. You know how it's like, for sale, baby shoes never worn, the saddest sentence of all time? Right, right, yeah. One skateboard from Pizza Hut, Dr. Pepper is the most 90s sentence ever concocted that rules. Does she still have it?

I'm sure she's a famous skateboarder now on that skateboard.

Yeah, maybe you've heard of her. Her name is, insert, someone other than Tony Hawk.

Bam Margera.

Yeah, maybe you've heard of Bam Margera's sister.

I thought he was a wrestler. No! That's Bam Bam Bigelow. That could be Bam Bam Bigelow.

Bam Margera? Bam Margera?

He's the Jackass guy on the outs.

Oh, Bam Margera.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't use the French pronunciation of Margera.

This has happened to me before. What are the consonants in that name?

Bam? Bam. Bam is as you said.

B-A-M. Yes.

And then Margera is, I think it's M-A-R-G-E-R-A?

If this was My Jeopardy, I would be out.

It does sound like something Gomez would say to Morticia.

Bam Margera.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Or it sounds like I'm trying to say something and I've just burnt my tongue into oblivion.

I remember we used to get on my little brother's goat because we would play Tony Hawk Pro Skater. I want to say three. And in that, they would let you design your own character. And we made a character whose name was Bam Marinera. Aaron, you ever go on eBay and just type in aggro crag and see if you can buy a piece of the rock?

No, but I will now.

I remember the aggro crack. You ever watch Nickelodeon Guts?

Oh yeah. I'm trying to get, um, what was that Nickelodeon show? The Temple one. Legends of the Hidden Temple. Yeah, I'm trying to get that whole set off eBay. The Hall of Holmack? Yeah.

The Hall of Holmack. Oh man. Okay, let's do this one. This one is going to be a riddle from Ben. So this is a corrupt and evil... Bam! From Ben Margiore. This is from Ben Martinelli's. A corrupt and evil king had been condemning and putting people to death. All executions happen in public and, for the appearance of fairness, the king has stipulated that even though he knows a person is guilty, they will get a chance to live. The moment before an execution, by beheading, the condemned will be presented with two small pieces of folded paper. The king says that one piece of paper is written innocent and the other is written guilty. The condemned must take one of the pieces of paper, unfold it, and show it to the crowd. If they choose innocent, they are free to go. If they choose guilty, they are immediately beheaded. One day the king condemns you! Up to now, everyone condemned has chosen the piece of paper that says guilty and has been beheaded. You assume that both pieces of paper say guilty, and you are correct.

Oh. How? This is a really sad story.

You're correct. Tune in next week. The question is, how do you survive?

Oh, both pieces of paper say guilty.

I think Let me finish. This is gonna sound dumb.

You're allowed to think.

I think you go, hmm, you make a big meal of being like, ooh, eeny, meeny, as fast as you can, you grab both pieces and you open them and show it to the crowd and go, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

Hey Riddle

Ostensibly, one says innocent. It doesn't say not guilty, it says either innocent or guilty.

Innocent or guilty are the things that these two pieces of paper say, but again, you assume that they both are guilty and you are correct.

So the crowd knows and they don't care. So it's not like you do pull one and then you go, just before I die, show the other one, but nobody cares?

I will say, here's what I will say, it's not that the crowd knows, it's that you know, but how are you going to get the crowd to like, you know, how are you going to survive this ordeal?

And I can't bring my own paper, that says anything on it.

Man, I would love it if you could, but you can't because it has to be in the king's handwriting.

I'm assuming we're not going to get out of this by getting the crowd on our side and leading a revolution.

I mean, I will say that that might be the way that you get out of this, but It's not the operative part of this answer. I say. We. I guess.

Does it have to do with something you say?

No, it has nothing to do with something that you say.

Is this like the plot of that Denzel Washington movie where he stays inside the bank? Glory.

Inside Man.

I love Inside Man.

I love Inside Man too. They marketed it wrong.

I'd say totally underrated. The taking of Pelham 1-2-3 actually. That's what this is. The remake. It's the remake. I know Denzel wasn't in the original and I don't know that he was in the remake. He was. He was. It was him and Travolta. And it was him and Travolta. The original is great. The original is fun. Did Travolta, did he have his real hair?

I hope you enjoyed.

He's Wiggs on a credit card commercial. You want some clues? I have some clues for you. This might help spark something. Your first clue is your hands are free.

In Greece, doesn't it sound like he's only seen people laugh? He's only ever seen it written down.

You may not speak at all on the execution platform. If you do, you will be immediately executed. Does that include, like, noises? Whistling? You can do some of your classic Michael Winslow helicopter landing. And the executioner's just hand-sweating on the axe, waiting for you to, like, say something that's, like, Peter Frampton, like, guitar kind of sounds like a person speaking, but as long as you keep it Frampton.

I stall until Tackleberry can take the shot.

Tackleberry! Do I, like, fold it in a certain way that makes it look like it says innocent?

That's so fun. Ooh.

Or do I like combine guilty and guilty?

Yeah, that was my thought, can we manipulate the letters?

Yeah.

Um, that's not, that's not the answer, but I love where your head's at.

Is there some kind of sign language going on? My hands are free.

Your hands are free.

I can't say anything, but I can show something. I can demonstrate.

You may not signal or gesture in any way that you know that both pieces of paper have guilty written on them. Okay, so that clue implies that the crowd does not count.

I sneeze and the paper shows. I sneezed so hard the paper whips up.

The answer will not be in any way showing both pieces of paper to the audience. I will say that.

Because again, you can't say this is about to say guilty because they both say guilty.

Uh, no, I think it would be taking this like the raving.

This is the job. I like I like JPC's job. I like being the person who's like, I have all the power. Yeah, and I'm giving I'm giving you better clues than you think. And you all see and we all seem dumb.

Okay, your next clue is that doesn't help. You are, in a way, using the King's trick against him. Because he's put guilty on both of these papers. You know that. The audience doesn't know that. And you're going to use his trick against him. Yeah. One and only one piece of paper must be shown to the public. That's a big clue. The whole solution to this revolves around them only seeing one piece of paper.

Is it a third piece of paper? Oh, no.

Oh, is it something of like, if you like swallow the piece of paper, the only way, of course they'll be like, well, we have the other piece of paper to tell, and when they gotta show that, Wait, what? That would be amazing if the king's like, no, no, no, don't show them that paper!

And the next day you eat it again.

Everyone's standing in silence. Every day you re-eat the paper.

I do want to see a scene. Adam, hold on, you got the answer. The answer is you eat one of the pieces of paper very quickly. They are forced to show the remaining piece of paper. If they show the piece of paper that's remaining that says guilty, you'd have to assume that you ate the piece of paper that said innocent, so you are. You actually got it by eating it.

I do think Joey's right where it's like any sort of... Monarch is going to be like, we'll simply, like Vlad the Impaler is like, cut the man open. Like, what do we, I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are a, you are the king of the land. Joey and Erin, you are a sort of duo who's been sentenced to death, but you are, you're like a vaudeville couple and you're trying to stall. This makes sense, right? JPC, you're the king of Peoria and this is, you're trying to stall your death.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

As we all know, it is illegal in this land, punishable by death.

Death!

Yes, people are ready for death. To dance in the King's Dance Hall. You too have been convicted. Fairly. Everybody saw I was fair. In the court of the King, and you are to be put to death. Death! As is our custom, I give you last words, so if you have any last words, you may speak them now.

You said punishable.

Your words. Yes, you're to be executed.

So it sounds like you want us to do puns?

What? We're only telling you what we heard from your own mouth, your majesty.

Wait, what is this?

What's going on? What is this? Did I say puns? You there, the person in the crowd who's enthusiastic, did I say puns? I think that might be a bird. Last words. These are your last words. Most people do like a prayer or something. Not to tell you how to do your last words, but... Hmm.

Didn't... Hold on. Hold on. If these are the last words I can speak in my entire life, Take me please away from my wife.

But... Wait, is my husband gonna be in the afterlife? Oh brother.

Does it? Let him finish! Alright, the bird's right. I like where this is going.

Oh good, I hope the afterlife has the baseball game. Because he'll complain if it doesn't. The wife isn't rhyming!

The wife's not rhyming. This almost feels like a routine, right?

I hope my sister's there, because who's he gonna flirt with?

It has the delivery of jokes.

Workshopping!

Workshopping!

Moving on from this life, ooh, that'd be swell. I can't wait to go wherever's next cuz I'm living in hell.

I love baseball.

So what is the vaudeville routine?

Are you part of the routine? Hey, hey, take it easy. We're just pitching here.

We're just pitching. I love baseball.

You do what now?

I'll catch whatever you throw at me next. What the fuck?

You asked for this punishment

Here's what we'll do. You weren't killing you.

Oh, okay. As long as I get to go to heaven.

I'm looking at my knights in the background. Do I not get the joke? Him, he's good.

Knock, knock.

Okay, here we go. Classic joke. You're gonna like this.

A knock, knock.

Who's there? You go. You go who?

No, you start the joke. You say it.

Okay, kill him. You've already said it. Where's the sword? That's my line. I'll do it. You go. You start the joke. Hey, why don't everyone, why don't you go take a little break and we'll be right back.

I need to redo that scene.

Hey, I think so. We'll be right back with a little more Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh brother.

I've done it, JBC Erin, I've done it. I found a way- What this time? For the three of us, specifically just the three of us, to breathe in space. Does that make sense?

Casey walks away kicking rocks, hands in pockets.

Sorry buddy, maybe next time.

Oh boy. You know what? I feel bad. I feel bad that Casey's not going to be able to breathe in space. What if we do this? What if we pool, like, our money and, like, get him in on whatever technology Adal is going to unveil to us?

What if we just pool our money and buy him a subscription to Rocket Money? That's more useful, right?

Oh, yeah, Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money, why didn't I think of that?

And Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. I've been using Rocket Money long before they were a sponsor. I love it. It helps me keep track of my spending and it will send me alerts if there's a big spend, and then it will also put them in all these really beautiful color-coded categories. Very satisfying.

Yeah, look, I have Casey's bank information here. Of course, we all do. Look what he's paying for. He's paying for Sleep Monthly magazine? What is that?

Oh my God, he subscribes to every other Riddle podcast but ours.

Oh my God, you should sleep daily. You should not be, that's way too little sleep. And also, Rocket Money makes it easy to save for goals, like if you want to save up enough money to breathe in space. Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside. And, Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to. That's a great deal.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash Riddle today. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. Casey, good news! You can't breathe in space! I don't know how to deliver news.

But we can. Eats little fish. $28 for hot editors weekly. I should be daily too.

I get that one too.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, did you get it? Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry. I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on. I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick. I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time, and I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adal and Erin make eye contact.

Wink wink wink.

No.

Well of course we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace. Yeah we're using Squarespace. For all your goofs and slips and gags.

It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys and like your face, it's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools. We can review website traffic we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what? I don't care, I'm gonna post whatever videos that you guys make, I think the content is gonna stand on its own, I think I'm gonna be successful, and if you wanna be successful, just head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

GPC, why don't you do a flip Ollie over that bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time. Take 100.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore. Uh-oh, it doesn't hurt anymore. Oh boy.

I like it less. Jealous much? New coat, new shirt, new pants. Adal, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you? Uh, no, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes. Oh.

I knew it. And everyone says he was. And I knew he wasn't. I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting that my experience with the emperor, his clothes are awesome.

Adal, your clothes look fantastic. Thank you. They look like very expensive. That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no. Actually, we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money. But this was actually very cheap in terms of money. This is from Quince, my good lady. Oh, I love Quince. Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop. Like super soft 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Touch, please, touch. Starting at just $60. That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag. I have sheets from Quince. I got a skirt from Quince. I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy? That's clearly like someone's little brother, like Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

What makes Quince different? They partner directly with Ethical Factories and Skip the Middleman so you get top tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands. And middlemen are flipping out about it. I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head he was so mad at Quince. No, he looks really distressed. Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie. I think it's perfect for the cooler weather. It's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between a fall jacket and your summer clothes. It's awesome. It's a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall. Just a tall boot. I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute and I'm excited. I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color. Come back to me. Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends. Puts on sunglasses. So keep it classic and cool this fall with long lasting staples from Quince. Let's go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle. Free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash riddle.

Adal, I have got Erin on a joke website. I'm about to sell her chocolate boots. I think she's going to walk around in them.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Okay, I will stay and watch this.

Nom, nom, nom. Eats them like Cookie Monster.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I've been using. I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents. She's being like really mean to me. And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went, are you are you joking? That's so embarrassing. And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward. I need to find a better solution.

Oh, Erin, you can't be doing that. You got to do what I do. You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

We're back.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Erin, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient as well. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume, plus switch therapists at any time.

And BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move a football on you, Erin.

Erin, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back. In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. In their 10-plus years of experience, an industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist any time to your tailored needs whenever. Whenever!

Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Hey Adal, can I tell you a secret? Yeah. It's me. I'm in the booth. I'm in the booth.

Nice one. Well, I'm gonna go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm gonna let her have it this time. I'm gonna let her have it. Hey Adal, hey Erin. Can I tell you something that I'm kind of like ashamed of?

Yeah, of course. Always.

When I was a kid, all of my two brothers, all of our birthdays are within a month and it's all around Christmas time so we used to just get like Christmas birthday gifts and sometimes we would just get like combo gifts together and I would always tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big Lego and then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself.

How do you put together one big Lego?

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block.

I mean, you didn't really understand finances. You didn't have anything like acorns early when you were growing up, so how are you supposed to know?

Hee hee hee! Hey kids, it's me! Birthday Santa!

Birthday Santa?

That's right.

You're real?

Yes, and I want to tell you about Acorns Early, which is something JBC it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had. Yeah, we could have used. Yeah, absolutely. Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

Oh, so cool. You can start with in-app chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar. Then, let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence. Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control. And I mean, I would have loved having this growing up. I would know way more about money than I do right now.

Right, right. I mean, but I'm like a newer thing. Like, I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas. I understand. But anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for loose change, quarters, etc. But these days there's so much more that kids need to know about money. He he he. Acorns Early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world.

And I love the Acorns Early app. I've played around in here. My kid's a little too young to start it right now because they're kind of like a little toddler. But I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think, like, being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a, you know, person that exists in the world nowadays.

Well, I'm a person that exists in the world. Who said I wasn't?

Anyway, if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend, get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com slash heyriddle or download the Acorns Early app. That's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com slash heyriddle.

Acorns Early Card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank, member FDIC, pursuant to license by MasterCard International. Free trial to new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting from $5 per month unless canceled. Terms apply at acorns.com slash earlyterms. Hee hee hee. Ooh, Santa needs to lay down. I mean, birthday Santa needs to lay down.

Love whatever your thing is, man. Don't stress.

Ho hee hee ho.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Okay, we are back and we're going to do some riddles now that were submitted. This actually, it's kind of like a riddle game. It's a game within a game that was submitted by Elvis Brown, they them. Elvis Brown has presented sets of riddles. And in each set, one of the riddles is a real riddle with a real answer. I think that they say it's like a real bad riddle. And the other riddle is a decoy riddle that is just like nonsense and doesn't have an answer. So you have a two part job here. First part is to pick which riddle is the real one, which one's the fake one. Okay. And then to solve the real riddle. Cool. Okay, so here's your first set of riddles.

And just to be clear, the red herring has no answer. There's no

Hell, I bet we could scratch our brains and kind of come up with one, but I think that on purpose they're just supposed to be, it's supposed to have, it's like Erin's vaudeville act, where it's got the- Hold on, that was perfect. It's got the essence of vaudeville, but it doesn't necessarily- Lay off my wife. It's vaudeville shaped.

So if we can solve one, it's probably the true riddle.

That's correct, that's a good way to know. So here's your first set. What is always on its way but never arrives? Oh, I know that. That's your first riddle. And your second one is, what is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven?

I know the answer to the first one. It must be real. What is always on its way but never arises tomorrow? The future.

Or the future. Yeah, that would be, I guess, an answer to the riddle that is listed as the fake riddle. No way. What is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven? Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel Onions Angel On Tears Without Sorrow, and takes its journey to heaven. Yes, that is a, is that an acceptable answer?

Or like, if the balloon gets away from the kid, the kid's gonna be crying. Yeah, but that's sorrow.

Maybe he's crying from joy.

He's crying from joy because he loves seeing it ascend. He was abused by a balloon.

His balloon was his new stepdad, and he's happy to see him.

Young Isaac Newton, and he's like, ah buoyancy, it works.

I do think I want to see a scene. We're gonna see a scene where Joey, you're gonna be playing Erin's mother. You're introducing Erin to her new stepdad, and it's Adal, and you're a balloon. With like a face drawn on it.

Hey, yeah. Okay. Just very quickly, I just need to say. Yeah. There could be some sort of, I don't know, minor league sports team that's like the Santa Fe, Angel Onions, or the... The Montgomery, Alabama balloon stepdads. Did we solve that riddle? Just putting it up.

Not even close.

Oh, okay.

I was so far away from solving the riddle.

This happens so often on the show that we'll do a scene and then he'll start reading the riddle again and I'll go, fuck.

Okay. I just wasn't sure if he had said balloons is acceptable.

Balloons is not acceptable, but it is an acceptable scene and I do want to see it. Great. Yeah, it makes sense.

Hey Kelly, can you come in here please?

Yeah, just finishing up my homework. What's up? You're dressed nice.

Thank you.

Welcome.

Well, that's not by accident. Um, I'm going out to dinner with Max. You remember I talked about Max?

Yeah, he was on that dating app. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. And you know, we've seen each other once or twice, and I think it's time that you meet Max.

Okay, but mom, I'm so sorry, your track record with some of these guys has been a little

I know. Well, first off, I don't need you to tell me how to date.

Oh, I know, of course. I trust you. But you're not wrong. You're not wrong. I trust you. And I just, I'm going to ask this and it's going to sound so condescending, but is this, I'm sorry. It's not an object with a face on it. It's not like a model with googly eyes.

Kelly, my ears are burning. Well, you get it.

Hi. Is he at the door? Is that him?

He's right here. Here he is. Up here. Look up. That's the sound it makes when I rub the back of his head.

OK, now your hair's all staticky, so. It's nice to meet you, Max.

This is Max. This is Kelly. Enchanté. I know what you're thinking. He's so tall. Kidding. He's a balloon with a face drawn on it.

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

Of course. I'm sorry, Max. I told you this might happen, but my daughter comes first. Hey, no worries. I respect your boundaries.

It's not that he's a balloon with a face on it. He works at my school. Mom. Wait. He works at my school. Everyone's gonna make money.

He's a guidance counselor.

He told me that. He's the happy balloon at our school that they hand kids when they're going through a hard time.

Oh! Well, no, I think this is a great opportunity, Kelly. Oh my God! He's so sweet and he's so funny. No wonder they hand him to kids when they're upset.

Better deflate than never. All right. See? Close the window, close the window, close the window, close the window, close the window.

Max! Max! Cut to Kelly's school. Watch your step, Kelly. There's some sawdust on the ground because someone got sick and I'm just cleaning it up.

Okay.

Hey, when's that mom of yours gonna get off her high horse and give me a second date?

Oh, she's moved on. What?

What do you mean she's moved on?

Sorry. Sorry, mop with googly eyes. That also worked in my school.

My name's Mr. Jameson.

I'm sorry, Mr. Jameson.

While we're at school.

Sorry, Mr. Jameson.

And it's not googly eyes. That is a really reductive way to describe someone's eyes.

Okay, well you're a mop with... Hi everyone. So, Mr. Jamison said you wanted to kill me. No, I didn't say that.

He has a recording. I think you underestimate what inanimate objects with faces can do.

I wish I went to a real school so bad. Well. This place is so haunted. I hate it here. I'm not getting a good education at all.

This is a real school. OK. Your grades do transfer.

All right. Well my teacher is a ruler.

And I know what you're thinking. Hey, did I get bonked on the head and I'm in a coma?

I ask that every day. I also ask if the school got struck by lightning and there was a curse put on it.

Listen, your mom is hiding in the closet. And she has something, well we both have something important to tell you, which is... I will freak out if you're having a balloon baby.

I'm pregnant. No!

Pop!

Was it mine?

I feel like she can hear us.

I feel like she can hear us. You're definitely in a coma. Oh, God. That would legitimately, Erin.

What is the answer to that riddle?

That would kill the balloon. That would not hold up in a court of law, by the way. Tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven. Cheers everyone! Okay, so that one didn't quite work out because you immediately came up to a pretty plausible answer to the first fake riddle, but let's try the second. Yeah, the sets. The second set. Here we go. The second set is, I rise and fall no matter what. Only at final's rest do I not budge. What am I? That's your first one.

I rise and fall without rest?

I rise and fall no matter what. Only at finals rest do I not budge. What am I? And then the next one is I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three. What am I? All three? I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three.

What's three? That's two things.

Yeah. Could drive a fella crazy.

I'm

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Your EKG. The coma machine. They call them coma machines. That's right. This guy's all jeopardy and he thinks it's EKG.

Well, the Smiths call them that.

Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene.

I will say that the coma machine slash EKG I think works pretty well for this riddle answer. I'd like to see a scene. It's not the one that they said.

But they do have an answer to that one and the other one is just completely- Fuck. Yeah, you got that. The other one is like, here's two verbs, now we say three. I thought it was going to be a clever.

JPC, you are a head surgeon, and Adal, you're a nurse at Scrubbing Inn, and there's been like a technology breakdown, so you've gotten one of the interns to be the EKG, played by Joey. And you're a little nervous.

So we've got the rest of the situation figured out because of the blackout. We have candles, obviously, and enough light in here. I think everyone has enough light in here. Great. The one thing that we don't have is a working... And you don't have to start yet.

Oh, sorry. I was just feeling the pulse.

No, great.

Oh, Flatline. Dr. Flatline.

No, it's still beeping. It's still, but we just... Oh, sorry. Because this is kind of the pre-surgery... This is like Amish surgery. Huh?

That's offensive.

Are you Amish?

You say Mennonite. Mennonite surgery, please. Mennonite?

Well, that's what we're all here doing.

What are you talking about?

Hey guys, I'm a head surgeon and this guy's head is like pretty much fucked.

Well he got punched by the knockout machine, Mike Dyson.

Yeah, so we have to really focus up here.

Look at his head.

Ben, that's not your job. I'm sorry. Okay? You're supposed to be looking at his heart.

So Ben's gonna do... Do you want a regular beep, or do you want me to just... every now and again? Oh, I need regular. Yeah, but... I could just save it for if he goes out. If he goes out, then I can give you... Oh, now that's interesting.

Doctor, can I do a fun one? I have perfect pitch. Let me get a... Let me get a... God, yeah, that was really offensive.

I'm Mennonite. I'm a Mennonite.

You can't say R. Kelly to a Mennonite. What are you doing? I'm sorry. I just... Okay, that's actually an interesting point. We actually don't need, like, all of the beeps if you want to just give us the important beeps, like beeps if things change.

Yeah, okay. You got it.

You got it.

Right?

Because, like... Put an emphasis on the beeps. So if everything's fine, be like, beep, like... Speeding up!

Also, it's a real honor to be here with you guys.

I know I'm just an intern.

That's, yeah, you know, we all have to start somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Glenn was an intern once.

Yeah. That's right. Did you ever have to be a machine?

I want to say yes, but I haven't. I feel like this is the first time.

I don't know when is a good time to say this, but I am awake.

Good. Oh, you're confused because it's night time and you're awake? That's okay. We're just doing surgery at night time. It's kind of a breakfast for dinner situation.

I originally came in, my head really hurts so bad, and I fell asleep and then you guys were talking and I heard you and I don't want to be impolite and interrupt you guys.

You must be so confused, there's so many candles you must think you're in like a meatloaf music video.

Or like a John Hughes film. Or like a John Hughes.

No, I've been in a meatloaf music video. Which one?

Honestly if I had just from looking at you, I would have guessed Meat Loaf music video and not John Hughes film.

Can you put me under please?

What's that?

Can you put me under?

We can't do that because there's been a blackout.

Yeah, so we have to keep you awake, but we're gonna track your heartbeat.

Yeah, I'm tracking your heartbeat. Yeah. If you think there's anything I should tell them, it's okay to tell me.

Okay, so I tell you and then you tell them.

If you want. I'm kind of tracking it anyway. Yeah. Actually, that's really great because your heart can't lie. So if you want to tell him anything that's going on with your heart- Your hips can't lie. Okay, I'm confused because you're touching her hips. She's asleep.

I'm sorry. Oh, we didn't even have her count back from 10.

Okay, so yeah, you landed on the I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three, and that is fake. So the one that you're looking for is I rise and fall no matter what, only at final rest do I not budge, what am I?

Elevator.

Interesting. Yep. Elevator could work too. A rise and fall no matter... It's not elevator. That's not what we're looking for. EKG machine works as well.

Tide.

The baton.

A conductor's baton.

That's fantastic. We're done. This is more something that I will say everyone has. Not everyone has, but I guess like... Marionette. Yeah, I don't want to be like... You heard me. Yeah, what was it that gave it away? When I said everyone has it, I was like, no, not everyone has it.

I think there's a couple people that have it.

A diary. A diary. I think most people are like, I actually don't even know if most people are, I would say most people have these. A majority of people have these. Lungs. Is it something, is it like a body part? It's like a body part, yeah. Rises and falls, no matter what, only at final rest do I not budge. There are people that believe that every time you go to sleep, you die, and a new you wakes up in the morning. You would never know. It's just like The Prestige.

The Illusionist. I try to guess Light Adal every time these movies go.

It's just like The Illusionist. You're thinking of Jessica Biel.

Edward Norton. It's not eyelids. It's not butt. It's not lips.

It's not breathing. It's not breathing. It's the body parts. We all got them. Feet. It's feet. Boo. Although I'm not an insect, some people found me very difficult to exterminate. They called me something like, insane priest. The first half of my name means the same as scrape. And my last three letters are a medal. Who am I?

And then we have... That one has to be fake. I'm begging that one to be fake.

Rip Steele. Throw me off the highest building and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean and I will leave a grieving wife.

Piece of paper. Piece of married paper.

Piece of married paper.

Throw me off a building, and I won't break it. Throw your voice off the building.

So what are our guesses for which one is the fake one?

I hope the first one's a fake one.

Man, that first one has a lot going on.

Because the second one, paper, is... Why would paper leave a grieving wife?

Because it would disintegrate in the water. Because water kills paper.

But if you drop paper from a building, it doesn't. You know how women always be crying over paper? Where should we do Christmas?

Hey, I was thinking maybe I don't know maybe your family's house Do you have like Christmas traditions that I really big on look?

I don't know I we don't really celebrate Christmas much in my family you do whatever you want you do whatever you I think we need to take this out

Um, what?

Outside?

A date? Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. We should go. Where should we go?

Uh, okay. Yeah, let's go outside. Let's go outside.

Let's go outside. I love it. Okay, I was thinking for the nursery. Maybe green?

You're coming? Hey. Hey. Listen. Hi. We got stapled by accident.

Wait, what do you mean?

I'm a phone bill.

Wait, no. No, that's not possible.

You're a birthday card. We don't belong together. Some kid stapled us together for no reason. Okay? Just cause staples are fun.

I think that's beautiful. I think that's fake.

Honey, don't stare. It's just a phone bill and a birthday card. Don't stare.

Why not?

It's interesting.

Okay, well, you know what? I think any piece of paper can fall in love with any piece of paper. And if you only gave me a chance, I'm a really cute birthday card. It says, over the hill, happy 40th birthday. And then in it, someone said, I love you, Pete. Thank you, thank you for your friendship.

Well, that's, that's really sweet. That's really sweet, but I'm not a romantic, okay? I'm August- Yeah, you're all numbers. I'm August Verizon.

Yeah, I get it. And yeah, no couple has ever enriched each other's lives where one is an emotional right brain type and the other is logic. You're right.

I don't deal well with being forced into this, okay? Maybe if we'd met under normal circumstances, but we're pierced together.

You know what you should do, Pete? Yeah, yeah. Since you know he's cheating, you should get him a 40th birthday card and staple the fucking phone bill into the birthday card. Smart.

Smart. That's so smart.

And then give it to him. That's what I'll do. Here you're over the hill. He'll see the Verizon bill and he'll know that you know. Yes. That's genius. Perfect trap. Alright. Yes, yes, it is my birthday.

You didn't have to get me anything. Busted. Cheatin' ass. Hey, I got a good explanation for this. Oh yeah? What? Yeah. This gun. Oh no. Back off. Don't do anything rash. Calm down. Just calm down. Wait.

What's that? What's that? Phone bill and birthday card? Oh no.

The 40th birthday card jumped in front of the gun to protect the phone bill.

Bland!

Oh, I'm shot. Wait. No, the birthday card. No, I am shot. I am shot.

It's just paper. It goes through.

It's just paper.

Hold on, hold on. I can't operate on this birthday card. I'm a head surgeon.

Now, Joey, August Verizon, that's Tennessee Williams? Yeah. My name is August Verizon.

It's a one-act play.

August Verizon. Throw me off the highest building on an outbreak, put me in the ocean, and I'll leave a grieving wife.

It's not real.

That's fake. That one's fake.

So I'm going to give you- Reread that crazy one.

I'm going to give you the crazy one again. That's the busiest riddle I've ever heard. It's busy. It's busy. And I will say that this answer has like, it is leading you to a proper noun, like it's a specific thing.

Yeah, the three letters that spell a metal, is it tin? Yes. Rasputin. It's Rasputin!

Some people found me very difficult to exterminate, they called me something like the insane priest, the first half of my name means the same as scrape, and my last three letters are in metal.

That's barely even a riddle.

That's just like a historical fact. Rebus? The thing where it's like a bunch of pictures?

Right, right. Is that a rebus? She had a sitcom. Rebus McIntyre.

I'd like to see a scene. Joe, you are Rasputin and you are going into your regular dive bar after everyone thinks you're dead and you're a little smug about it.

Okay. Uh, one vodka, please.

Holy shit! Uh... Vodka, please. Yeah, no, uh, yes, one vodka for, uh... What the fuck? For Rasputin!

No doubt you're noticing the bullet holes?

No! We didn't! No!

I have been shot. I have been shot. So you know, so you see them, yeah? I know.

Didn't they cut off your... penis?

Oh yes, here it is. Woah! Pickle it.

Pickle it now for his store. Let it go from museum to museum forever.

Josiah, why are you always pickling everything? I kill a spider.

Pickle it. I have pickles. What am I supposed to do? I brine. What else is brine good for?

Hey Rasputin, we weren't celebrating a death takes down. Banner.

Mission accomplished. Oh, I see now. I see now you have told on yourself. No!

We hate Anastasia!

You do not like me, the mad monk? So I down her at your party. She's not good enough to hang out with you guys. And so you stab me, poison me, put bullets in me, throw me into icy lake. When he stands up, it always looks like he's on like 10 ladders. He's so tall. I like the icy lake.

When he stands up, it's that Looney Tunes thing where like water comes out of all the holes.

That what thing?

We have Looney Tunes.

Surely we have Looney Tunes. I've seen the future. I don't think we have Looney Tunes quite yet. Right around the corner. Looney Tunes is my name for my little drawings that I do.

What's the mouse with the hat? Tell us more about that one. His name is Goofy.

We're running out of ideas on how to kill you, Rasputin. Let's try this. Simon says die.

I will not die. Do not obey Simon. Maybe we try killing Rasputin with kindness. Rasputin, you're looking so good, man. And still I live.

I cannot be killed.

Instead of celebrating my death, you should celebrate my life. I am the spirit of, as we Russians say, joie de vivre.

I think we really just want to be done with Rasputin. Maybe we all just poison ourselves and we like kind of like regroup in heaven or hell.

Don't do that guy, you're my only friends. What's up, Doc?

Big anvil falls. What's up, Doc?

Falls off a cliff, holds up a sign.

Well, you guys did a really great job with that. And by you guys, I mean Adal got that last one, so congratulations. Yeah, you really knocked that out of the park.

Well done.

You got that Rasputin one dead set. Now, I will say, now that I saw that, I do like that. Oh, come on. Only the smartest of brains. Thank you to Elvis for submitting that. And that brings us to my favorite part of the show, the part where we kind of plug some stuff. Joey, what do you have to plug and where can people find you?

Listen to the Like Minds podcast if you like- Minds. Yeah, if you like bridge troll-level trivia questions that sometimes are as convoluted as Elvis' Rasputin Riddle. We release new episodes every Wednesday. Anywhere you listen to podcasts, please follow, rate, and review all that stuff. Also, I perform at the Improvised Shakespeare Company. We're on the road regularly. You can find out improvisedshakespeare.com. We do regular shows in LA, and we travel the country.

It's so good if you haven't seen it. Also, I can't recommend both things enough. Adal and I went on Like Minds and had a fantastic time.

If you're looking for a place to start, listen to Erin and I's episode. Also, Matt and Arnie did an episode, right?

Already out there.

Yeah, they did. They sure did.

What do we have to plug? We can go listen to bonus episodes on the Patreon every Friday, and we have Gumshoes and Dragons every other Monday. I believe right now we have maybe two or three episodes out at this point.

And then come see us on tour. HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash live. We're gonna be in places in October and November. And Adal.

And Adal. I had one final thing to plug which is, you know how I like to go to like thrift stores, antique stores? Yeah. I found this an old vaudeville duo oh my god i'd love her to put audio to tape and it's just you have to listen to it it's just you don't hear this kind of humor let me just press play yeah and this will take us up hey who's on who's on who's out there

Who? I think you mean what?

Oh, my husband. What's out there? What a nightmare. He doesn't do the dishes and he doesn't make my lunch.

You could eat a sandwich if you did anything else with your mouth other than flap those jaws.

Oh, brother.

Oh, sister.

We're siblings, and we're married.

What reason it never worked out?

Knock, knock. Can't turn us off.

No use, star.

No use, star.

Would you believe they recorded in separate rooms?

Knock, knock.

That's who's here.

Jupiter. See you later, guys.

That's who's here.

That does sound like two people who have to just guess what the other person said 18 years before.

That's so fucking funny.

Are there any parrots in the music?

Hey there Denny's and Debra's, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's a return, after four years, to the Disney twins. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.

Quick, time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal? The $5 McDouble meal deal? Or the new $6 Daily Double meal deal? Each with its own small fries, drink, and four-piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's. Price and participation may vary.