Which Riddle Riddle?

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Hey Riddle

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. We're recording in a way that we never have before. We're all sitting sort of on a couch. I feel like a little kid in the back of a seat in between my two older brothers. It feels awful.

Okay, Erin, you have to start with one of our classic bits. People are gonna be too confused if they... Do you want some help?

Are we there yet? Pull over, pull over, pull over!

Now kids, I'm in the backseat.

Oh, then who's driving the car? So we're all sitting in a row and it feels- It's a Waymo!

A breast.

I feel like we're in a podcast Waymo right now. I hate this setup. This is horrible.

And this maybe speaks volumes to my sick brain. My first thought was sitting like Last Supper style. We're just describing Joe Rogan. Bowling shirt.

We'll see you next time. We have Neil Campbell and Paul Rust here today!

Hi guys! We're side-by-side in a smart car. Convertible.

The way Paul is driving is more like a Schreiner car. I'm so happy to have you guys on the show.

We're happy to be here. Thank you, and thank you guys so much, all of you, for having us. Really appreciate it.

I've had the pleasure of doing a little bit of improv with you here in LA, but you guys have known each other for a very long time.

Erin, don't sell yourself short. You're one of the MVPs we call up here. We want to make sure the show's good.

I'm one of the MVPs.

You're one of the MVPs. I know it. Don't I know it?

No, you tell me all the time I'm not.

If we want to make sure the show's good, we call you. If we're trying to tank the show, sort of on behalf of some bookies or something, we don't call you.

In LA, people bet against improv shows.

It's a huge industry. We take the under a lot.

But you guys met in college.

That's right. We met at the University of Iowa.

At Fall 2000. Wow. So anybody who's about to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the release of Radiohead's Kid A, before the first time Neil and I met, I overheard him talking about Kid A to somebody, to a group of people, and he was like, Hey, um, has anybody listened to it yet? None of them had. I had, but I was too bashful to share my opinion.

If you were a track on Kid A, you'd be Pyramid Song. So understated and bashful. But quietly, one of the best. I'm gonna make the deepest reference I may have ever made in my life. Were you two, this is Hawkeyes, right? Were you two there at the same time as Tim Dwight?

yes okay or at least I was I'm older than Paul he might have been my freshman year might have been his senior year he was like he both went to the NFL one of the best kick returners of all time but then came back to Iowa and ran track oh really that was like the big thing like after he had already played a year in the NFL was when he was returning the ball he'd run like a hundred meter dash yeah he has the ball on a baton Welcome back to

Welcome to He's amazing, but small pond. But I was recruiting him, so they're like, here's tickets to a game, you can bring a friend. So we went and saw it was Tim Dwight and Tavian Banks, I think were like the big stars. And the game we went to might have been against the Illini, but Tim Dwight had like four touchdown returns, like kickoff or punt returns for touchdowns. And we're like, this guy is a superstar. What do you mean you were recruiting him?

are you guys gonna do to celebrate your 25 year friendship anniversary? a trip?

a party? listen to Kid A

Yeah, probably just do a Kid A listening party. It's funny, Neil.

Neil and I have been talking about, hey, let's go to Vegas sometimes with some buddies.

Maybe it would be to celebrate our 25th year of our friendship. That'd be cool.

Metallica at the sphere?

hey all right i would i i want to see the sphere i want to see the sphere i i have ever seen i want to i want to reason so metallica's playing at the sphere october i think so is it like just a big screen of like skulls lightning bolts yeah each back backstreet boys just played i saw you two there and i think each band does their own

Yeah, that's what I was wondering. I know U2, like, specifically designed a show to be, like, the kickoff of The Sphere, but with a normal band, is it, like, can you just go there and, like, The Sphere people are like, don't worry, we got you covered, we just, like, film you and project it in a cool way, or we turn on, like, the iTunes visualizer. Riddle

a few million dollars i think to like to go all right no yeah to go per ticket no to change the visuals enough to fit oh wow so i think it's like touring shows just can't like go through there i know that they're um the the sphere is like preparing with that wizard of oz show it's like the it's going to be the first case of somebody doing psychedelics

Welcome back!

People think it's Pink Floyd, but it's actually Metallica. All their albums sync up to Wizard of Oz.

It'll be perfect.

The question that we always ask our guests, especially first-time guests on the podcast, is what is your Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle My first thought here was we had this like children's version of Encyclopedia Britannica that was called like child craft books and they were like the color of a rainbow and you could sort of put them either in the Roy G. Biv area or just the numbers like looked great together and there was a puzzle Welcome to What about you Neil? I've never done an escape room.

I do like the crossword every day which I feel like is puzzle adjacent and you start to learn kind of some of the oh this is a shorthand for this or this one's being tricky you know and you don't don't think of this one too literally.

Do you have a like a best time that you've done on the crossword?

The best yes I do well I have like my streak I do it every day on the New York Times one and my streak's like in the like 1600s right now. And my all-time best is a Monday I got 2.49. Whoa! Holy fuck. Nice, Neil. Two minutes. Two minutes, 49 seconds. On a Monday one, yeah. Wow.

That's so crazy.

That's crazy.

I hate to say this because you've been so nice. Could you prove it?

I'm charging in the other room, but I'll pull it out and show you my stats.

Was that just filling up all of the squares, or were the answers correct? Were there like words inside of the squares?

No, it doesn't mark you done until you... Yeah, I tend to just hold down the X button. But you know what I... Riddle-wise, so... But that's the thing, I feel like, okay... But I'm like... It's just like in a different lane, because sometimes when I see a riddle, I'm like, my mind doesn't work like this. It's not the same thing. But... I'm sure you guys have actually probably talked about this on the show but you know what I find so annoying are the things that get suggested to you on Instagram that are like I guess they're just clickbait where it's like a riddle but it's it'll be like which of these isn't a real time but they are all real times on like unless maybe the parameters were like According to military time or something like that, you know, have you ever seen these or I've not seen there's another thing. There's like different people. I kind of get suggested this one couple and it's always a guy like, all right, how do you do and he's trying to like. Riddle Riddle Riddle You're already like fucking with people because you're saying divide 500 by half instead of in half so does that mean divide it by 0.5 or does that mean divide in it and so it just it's but they are doing it deliberately to create comments where everyone just bickers and boost engagement but it's just so annoying to be like

Oh you why just have like fake no answer riddles yeah that just means you're stupid as opposed to like you could have come up with a riddle and try to engage people in that way to you know yeah I'd like to think that there's like some sort of military connection that like if you get 239 on a Monday on a New York Times crossword on your Instagram they start sending you.

Like, the reason we haven't seen any... Right, they're trying to see if you're ready to be a spy. I literally think it might be that. I have, like, you know, the New York Times Games app, and so I'm sure my phone's telling Instagram, like, hey, here's the Games app, you should suggest them this shit. But specifically, it's a military recruitment. Yeah, they're trying to recruit super spies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they have asked me if I want to be Alias, so... Oh, that could be fun. Today we're

We struggle with riddles, but we don't like it when they're smug like that. They can be a little bit condescending inherently, so that makes a lot of sense.

A lot of the Instagram stuff, again, I don't even think there's really a right answer. It's just phrased poorly so that a man could tell a woman she's wrong.

I'm jealous. My Instagram is all like raccoon smoking cigarettes. My algorithm knows me.

Is this post-courteous? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to level set, a lot of the, we're on year seven or eight, a lot of the riddles we do are Kind of what you described.

Really?

It's lateral thinking problems where it's like, you hear the answer and you're like, oh, it's missing a lot of information for me to glean that. So the example we typically give for lateral thinking is like, there's a cabin, and you might have heard this, there's a cabin in the woods. Everyone in the cabin is dead. There's no footprints in or out of the cabin. There is snow on the ground, but no footprints. How did everyone die? They all died the same way. Have you heard this one? No. So, the normal mind is like, cabin in the woods, is it a murder, is it a what's going on? It's a cabin of an airplane, it was a plane crash kind of thing. So, a lot of our riddles are like that, but worse, where it's like, it's missing a lot of information.

Right, it sounds like, I guess it could have been a carbon monoxide leak, right?

Exactly. So just to level set it, the riddles are bad.

Should we get to our first riddle?

Here's what, this is maybe on the, I don't even say easier side because it still sucks. Walter spent three days in the hospital. Okay. He was neither sick nor injured, but when it was time to leave, he had to be carried out. Insurance fraud. Well we don't know for sure that a newborn wasn't committing insurance fraud.

Some of them do.

Some of them are criminals.

I thought for a moment I was like, oh, the hospital is in an airplane. Paul was paying really close attention to how the show goes.

The rest of the riddles, always the answer is in an airplane.

Is it an elevator in an airplane? Do they have those?

Airplane hospitals, maximum three days a day.

Let's try another one. A man wakes up at night in the pitch dark. He knows that on his bedside table are a razor, a watch, and a glass of water. He can reach out onto the table and be sure to pick up the watch without touching either the razor or the glass of water. How?

To light up watch?

That's a great guess. That's not what I have here, but Erin, I think I do give you full points for that. Wow. Man wakes up at night in the pitch dark. He knows that on his bedside table are a razor, watch, and glass of water. How can he reach out onto the table and be sure to pick up the watch without touching the other two items?

Is it making noise?

Uh, no. Also a great guess.

And I'm gonna retire. You had two great guesses.

Not just two guesses, two great guesses.

And now I'm tired and I'm gonna sorta go back to the bench. Good luck!

Like, the pitch dark makes me think it's... An airplane. Yeah, obviously. Obviously. Like, that's a... Actually, he's blind. He just knows where everything is, but I'm kind of... That's also a great guess in terms of... That doesn't really change anything.

Is it one of those things where he wakes up in the dark and then like takes a minute for his eyes to adjust and then is able to pick up the watch? Oh, like a Vin Diesel in... Pitch Black? I was thinking more just like how like a person would do that.

Or he's next to a long dining table like the Beauty and the Beast dine at and the watch is the only one near him and the other two objects are 17 feet away.

I simply must see a scene. Erin, you're asleep in bed. And on your nightstand table are, we'll say, a glass of water, Paul, and a watch, Neil. And it's almost like a Lumiere Wadsworth situation. Oh deareth me!

I've grown quite parched. Well, it is time for a little snack!

Let's wake her up! Get up, get up! What? What?

We have grown quite thirsty. You're a glass of water. That's the comic irony that can only be cooked up by those wizards and Disney themselves. Don't you want to strap me on and see what time it is?

You'd like that. Okay, you'd like that. You know what guys? Wait, where's the razor? I thought you were supposed to be watching him.

He was saying something about ending it all.

But we were relieved to consider that as I, as a drink of water, can't drink myself, a razor wouldn't be able to use a razor on itself. No, I did it. Oh, I did it. Yeah, I figured it out.

How did you- you bent? He sort of did a weird bend. It's a weird bend. And I know why he did it. Because you haven't fallen in love with our master yet!

And you guys, I'm working on it. He's just so boring.

What? You were hoping a big furry beast instead of a more pigman beast that we got?

I was sort of hoping sort of like a gruff kind of beast. But he's gruff, he's a piece of shit!

No, you guys, I'll find a different way to break the curse and then you can- I'm astounded to find out that the pig man is boring! He has to have some tales about a... old bean in the mud.

And it's to save my life, don't you care about me? And it's not even true love, it's just one handjob.

Is that the curse? I can give one handjob.

Oh, well, please, by all means, I'm dying of a broken neck.

Just take care of all his penises, Bob.

Uh, knock, knock, one, gwank.

Oh, it's him, it's him! Oh, Master! Master, Master, Master!

Frank is fine. I love Rocky Horror. Do you have you seen and I'm covering my eyes in case I don't know if you sleep in the um, she does.

She does.

Um, you know, do you want microwave eggs or?

Yeah.

I love you.

Classic Beauty and the Beast. I felt like I might know the answer to it in the middle of that scene, which never happened. That's good, Erin. No, but then I don't think it's right, so forget it.

Oh, okay. Glow-in-the-dark wristband?

Yeah.

Oh, are his hands magnets?

Paul, you are the closest so far. Ooh, glow-in-the-dark wristband. Magnets is also a great guess.

Because if his hands magnets, he pulls that watch. He can see a sheen from the moon on the razor in the water.

It definitely has something to do with what you two were circling.

The lumination of the wristwatch. Very good guess. It's ticking?

It's a little more, speaking of razors, Occam's razor in this situation. So luminescence but from the most, it's on his nightstand.

Okay, he's on his nightstand. His light is not on on his nightstand because it's pitch dark.

Oh, is it quite digital? You're getting very warm by what you just said, Jabes. It's not, uh, the the watch can be digital or, or, um, un-digital.

Is the watch on, mm, mm, wait, so the light, the light is closed?

Like his, his, like, watch plugged in?

I feel like everyone's gonna be so mad.

How are you on start running?

So it's pitch dark, these items are in his nightstand. Yes. How is he able to grab the one item he wants without sort of... Oh, does it emit some sort of tone?

No. Do I? Am I beeping? Am I beeping right now? I haven't changed my battery in a decade. I've heard of people having at night like tonal emissions.

Like when you're first going through puberty you'll wake up sometimes and your mouth is making a sound Open your mouth and the radio station comes on Is the guy in the bed a bat and he's using echolocation?

Again, a little more simple. More simple than a man being a bat in a bed?

Are there other things inside the drawer?

That's warm, not in the drawer, but on the table. So this is on his nightstand. And I would say he does interact with a... He's a watch holder. No, he does interact with another item before he turns on the light. He turns on the lamp. And, folks, I am so sorry.

Wow, Erin, sounds like you just committed a hate crime.

I'm sorry. We used to look up on a, there was a website that was like practical jokes. I just was thinking of it. And it's I'm sure long lost to the internet. You know, it's internet like 1.5 basically, but it was users submitted like practical jokes, but mostly just seem to be like things a nine year old thought could be. Yes, they were either logistically impossible, or it would just be like, go into church, and when you start to pray, say, Dear God of Hell. Prank! Got him.

God gets that prayer and he's like, No! That's what I specifically, Dear God of Hell, thank you for the holy shit.

Whoa, big ol' gates.

Yes, these are big old gate. Are you St. Peter? Am I St. Peter? No, I'm the devil. I'm obviously the devil. Horns, pointy tail, Tabasco sauce. What are you doing here? You're a little boy. You shouldn't be here in Hell House for adults. I farted in church.

Hey, who did you say just got here? Whoa.

No, no.

Alright, Bob. Walk away. Bye.

You don't want anything to do with him. That's a very bad man. Who was that? This is hell. Who was that? That's a very bad man. Initials. I could tell you, but, I mean, what, you're nine? Yeah. And nine from now? You wouldn't know. Nobody knows nowadays.

I'm an old soul. Uh, there's a line.

Hold on, okay? You're an adult woman? Yeah. Who looks like you have a blender in your throat?

Yeah.

You trying to drink a blender?

Okay, I'll wait my turn. Yes, you will.

Oh, dang, hell's like Beetlejuice, like in the waiting room.

You farted in church? Yeah, but I think, because I laughed.

Did that kill you? No.

What do you mean?

Huh?

You're still alive?

No. Okay.

Just tell them what you did wrong and so we can all get into hell.

Not everyone did something wrong to get to hell.

Oh wait, do you want to know what I did wrong or how I died? Does it have to be the same thing?

I guess not! Now that I'm thinking of it, I guess not. What did you do wrong? You farted in church. Farted in church. That doesn't get you to hell, though. Is that all you did?

I think so. I mean, you would probably know best, right?

Did you pray to the devil?

Yeah. Okay, well that'll do it. I'm assuming everyone in line prayed to the devil? We all raise our hands. No cats in hell. God, we've just been all day weeding out little kids and cats. We really can't take kids. You definitely, we can take you. Nobody in here is going to want you.

How did you get down here?

You go ahead.

I was just saying, this place is so unorganized. Been waiting in line for like 15 minutes.

Oh, 15 minutes? It's hell, sweetie. It's supposed to be bad. Okay?

Okay.

Okay. You know what? Back of the line for you.

What?

Yeah, your hell starts now.

I swallowed a blender!

It's like Disney, where, you know, the ride starts in line. Huh? Are you familiar with Disney? Oh, the immersiveness of it? Yeah, they say the ride starts in line. Ah, fuck this. What do you mean, fuck this? Where are you going?

I'm going back to Earth. Ah, shit.

Hey!

I thought I heard a kid around here. Is one of my Hulkamaniacs around here?

What about my good friend MJ? Yes, he's here. I thought I heard him.

I do remember the time I visited you on the set of Remember the Time. You are two of the worst that we have down here. Hey, you want to go get out of here and just catch up as friends? Don't wink at me. I don't wink at you. I'm just saying we don't always do evil stuff. Come hang out with me and Hooter. Hooters from Captain EO! The Hawks player? My Michael Jackson's more of like a Jawa where it's like tahini Let's do another riddle here.

Ooh, this one's gonna ruffle some feathers. A healthy man got dressed, and then lay down and died. Why? For this one, I do have some hints. A healthy man got dressed, and then lay down and died. Why? Did, like, 50 years pass in between the two things that you described? That is exactly how you should be thinking, but that is unfortunately not the right answer for this one.

Healthy man, he got dressed, and then he laid down and died?

And is this something where... If I read it, it's not like he dyed his hair. That's what I was gonna ask. It's not D-Y-E-D, is it?

You are also thinking along the right lines, but that is not correct.

Is this a man who was doing, like, an ice luge and he got in his, like, luge-ing gear and then laid- You laid down for that, right? What am I thinking of? Yeah, she laid down. And then he, like, you know, yeah, but he dyed instead. Yeah, like, fired up into a dragon's mouth or something. I was going to say Dragon's Mouth, which happens more often.

That's a huge risk for people. For ice luge-ing. Was he in a play?

He was not in a play. Did he put on poison clothes? Oh yeah. You are very hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

With poison clothes, huh?

With poison clothes.

Before he laid down, did he say, these clothes are to die for?

He got dressed in like an operating gown or something and oh, that's a great guess But not correct poison clothes is is I mean you are pretty much You're pretty much on the money.

Okay, but when we brought that to Shark Tank no one cared and they told us Yeah, does it have spikes on it or something he laid on like a poison bed did you?

Paul did you say spikes? I said spikes

Yeah, spikes are on his suit. But I'm standing on the shoulders of a poison suit giant. And we all know that. We all are.

Was it like a bed of nails? No, but poison spikes... Magician. These are like organic poison spikes, if you really think about it and stretch it. A pig's penis?

No, we've already established that that's a spoiled... He's allergic to cotton.

What is a thorn? Is that what you're talking about?

Remember how pigs orgasm for 90 minutes? I know we've talked about that in nauseam on the show, but every time we talk about pigs' penises, it's immediately what I think about.

Oh, I hate it.

Oh, wait, wait, pigs' penises! You guys didn't finish guessing which celebrity I saw today.

Who did you see?

Think pigs' penises, but not necessarily penises. Just think pigs.

Pigs?

He's a celebrity who was famous for a pig movie. Today we're He looked good. He did have a helper there, helping him move about. Babe was there. Babe's pretty old now for a pig. Babe is 35, probably. Five-year-old pig in that movie? Okay, yeah.

And I gotta say, I was thinking Charlotte's Web because of the answer to this riddle. Organic poison needle. Spider bite! There was a poison spider in his shoe. Neil? Oh my god! And here's the thing, Neil, I should have, the minute you said poison spikes or whatever, you should have, I should have rung the bell. We should have handed you the oversized check. I guess it is poison clothes.

Kind of. Yeah, we just missed like... By the way, that answer is the equivalent of like a stray bullet. Yeah, right? A plane fell out of the sky and smoked him. An additional thing happened.

Yeah.

The way it's written in the riddle is, the last thing he put on was his shoe and it contained a deadly spider that bit him. He died shortly after. So, Neil, I gotta say. He put on shoes to lie down?

That's a great question.

I think he laid down like- Because he was dying. Yes, yes, yes.

Gotcha.

Why couldn't they just say that there's a spider in the pocket of his suit? It's weird that the shoes are a component when it wasn't even like really said in the- Also, I don't know about you guys, but the shoes are the first thing that I put on, right? Like right out the shower.

No. Yes. That's not universal. What?

Sociopath. Neil, since you solved it, I'll give you the option. Do you want to be in the seat?

Yes, I'll be in it.

I don't think you've ever given someone the option before, Adal. I'll take the option.

Cause you, I mean, I should have given it to you. You nailed it. Neil, you're going to be a spider dad. Your wife didn't come home last night and you have to break the news to your daughter, Erin.

Dad, dad, I made a web, look!

Yeah, yeah, it's a beautiful deer. Look, we need to have a talk. What's going on? So, you know, you know how I'm always capturing flies and killing them?

Yeah, it's delicious.

Have you ever wondered what happens, you know, to that fly's family? It maybe has a wife, it has kids at home. Yeah, flies have families just like we're a family.

What?

Yeah.

Flies have families?

uh yeah and so sometimes that's horrible sometimes someone doesn't come home and it's our fault we're the ones who who capture them in a web and you've been like tormenting these flies and like messing with them and telling them you're gonna let them go and stuff yeah i started to cut off the top of their head and feed them their own brains and stuff yeah they had families yeah they had families uh who missed them well Unfortunately, we're in a similar predicament. Your mom last night... I love mom.

She's the best.

Well, she pulled that classic prank. She got in a man's shoe before he put on his suit. Classic mom. And bit him. And she's been arrested.

What? And we do take a quick break to pan over to JBC the fly dad with the top of his head cut off and a mouth full of brains and the fly son with the top of his head cut off and a mouth full of brains stuck in the web talking to each other.

So, you know how we eat shit off the ground? This is way better. You know, at first when I heard I was going to have to eat my own brains, check please. Right? But after eating, like, non-stop actual, like, feces, this is, like, so not bad. It's, um, it's got a flavor... It's got a flavor I can't place. ...that shit just doesn't have. Yeah.

Can I get you guys anything? Water?

More of my brains, please. Can I please have more? Tell me there's more brains in there.

Oh.

I'm almost full. Is there not? Or...

I think we could scoop out a little bit more.

Is there other fly brains that we could eat? Can you bring us like the Albert Einstein of flies? We don't care. I bet he's got some big juicy brains. We're amoral when it comes to eating other brains.

It is market price for other brains.

This is my last meal so I don't mind splurging a little bit.

And we cut to the funeral for the mother spy where the daughter is performing a song.

Mom, I thought you just got arrested. I don't know what happened.

She was executed. Terre Haute, Indiana. Same place Timothy McVeigh was killed.

That's awful. Her last meal was her own brains. What?

She chose to eat her own brains for her last meal.

That's not what spiders do. Same as Timothy McVeigh. Timothy McVeigh did that?

Yeah.

Good for him. Anyways, let's pack it up.

Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Riddles. Hey everyone, Adal and JPC here. Real quick, just to get ahead of it, um, Erin- Uh, Adal and JPC. I should say, Adal and JPC. Erin kissed a car, and- She liked it. Turned into a car.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She kissed a car, turned into a car, so- But I do think she also liked it.

Because she said, I really like, and then honk honk honk honk honk.

And we of course started singing, I kissed a car and I liked it. She did care for that. She is a, I want to say a 1991 Erin Keif.

I believe it's a 91 Keif. Yeah. And that's a good model. Summer means vacations, outdoor adventures, driving in your Erin Keif, but also less time spent cooking healthy meals at home.

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Invest in your dream domain today! So head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Did you say head too? Is everyone looking at my square face?

Yeah.

Hey, it's me, Trace Dickey. There's my, uh, my arch nemesis, Squareface. Oh man, now I gotta fight this comic book loser?

JPC, what happened?

I just, I cut myself again on some of my closet staples.

Oh JPC.

Yeah I got a closet full of staples because I've heard that it's like good to like... You stapled all your clothes you're gonna need.

Oh boy.

I think that you're thinking of closet staples like clothes that you can wear a lot that look good with other things. I get mine from quints.

Have you heard of Quince? They have closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over carefully, like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters from just $50, breathable flow knit polos, and comfortable lightweight pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed up dinners. I'm wearing some right now.

Oh, okay. I think I have, you guys, I think this is another one of my classic mix-em-ups where I've fundamentally misunderstood the assignment.

100%.

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That's why you're always wearing sheets?

These are real clothes.

Those are real clothes. Okay.

Oh my God.

Okay, great. Nope. And I'm getting it. I actually know Quince and I love Quince because I have a lightweight hoodie from Quince that I wore to our Portland show, our Seattle show and here in LA. It is wonderful. It's my favorite item of clothing that I own.

And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. So you don't even have to feel bad when you're wearing your hoodie.

So stop covering your wet, naked body with staples from the staples store.

What the heck.

Use a towel. Yeah, maybe somebody else did the call to action. Mine's all messed up.

Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash riddle.

And let me grab that stapler from you.

No, no, no. I need this for my clothes.

Nope.

Quince, it's quite comfortable.

Hell yeah. Yes, Adal.

Yeah.

Timothée Chalamet Welcome back to Welcome back to Asking the waiter, like, can I sub out the cream? And I was like, there's no cream. It's vegan. You can you can't eat dairy, but it's fine. It's vegan. And they're like, great. And then they're like, and then can I sub up the gluten free pasta? I was like that the thing you got is gluten free. Like you don't, there's no sub outs that you need to make. It's totally fine. Everything. I've made sure that everything that is here you can both eat. And then my father in law got his food and he was eating it. And he was like, Well why do they have scallops here? I was like, well they're not scallops. Nothing that you eat here is going to be meat at all. I was like, those are definitely mushrooms. And he was like, those were mushrooms? I was like, it doesn't matter. Enjoy everyone, enjoy.

I have season tickets to the Angel City women's soccer team here. And, um, they, the food options have changed kind of over the years, but they used to have a Wolfie's there, which was a vegan, sort of, hot chicken place. Oh, okay. But, it said, like, in all the sort of art as you're waiting in line on, like, the sort of columns and stuff behind you, plant-based, da-da-da-da, but it's also kind of easy to, like, it's like, Not that this will help the listener, but like behind us right here it says Hedgum LA podcast, like you don't like come in the room and necessarily read that, you just sort of take like this thing on the wall as being- As a thing, yeah. As a thing. So often, they were just trained, as you got up there in order they went, and this is vegan, just so you know, right? I would say, One out of every three times I would see someone ahead of me or once I got up close to the front be like, oh, no, and then walk away. And it would be like a long line. That's so funny.

They should have a voice played over a loudspeaker nearby that's like, vegan. Vegan. It's so slow though that people just kind of block it out as well.

I love it has to be like White Album played in reverse, Paul is dead.

It's stadium food no matter what. You waited in line for 20 minutes, you're at the front, So, like, was your goal to, like, eat something? Or was your goal to, like, make sure, like, a chicken died?

Like, just get the fuckin' vegan chicken and go watch the soccer game.

Like, it's psycho that people would walk away.

That one specifically is deep fried. So, it's like, when it's deep fried, like, I can see that if you were gonna get, like, a vegan chicken cutlet that was, like, you know, that you could, but it's Today we're

I feel like here they're probably pretty good about it, but my wife is vegetarian. I feel like in the Midwest, anytime she says vegetarian, they go, so fish is okay? Like it's almost across the board.

But I'm sure California seems very well adjusted. I remember when I was first vegetarian, I asked my, not asked, I told my grandmother, which I told her every time we had any sort of dinner together, that I was a vegetarian. And she said, can you eat shrimp and pasta? And I said, hmm, what to do with that question? Because I don't want to give a confusing half answer, but I don't want to really take pasta off the table. That's one of the one things I will be able to eat.

I had Angel City season tickets, but they were always in the hot sun.

Oh, I've switched seats a couple of times. Season one, I was in the hot sun. Season two wasn't. And it was OK, stayed there. Season three as well. And then Season 4 moved back to the sun side, but there are fewer day games this year, so I think only once or twice will I be in the actual sun. And a little lower as well.

Because every time I'd go, I'd leave sunburnt and I didn't see a single moment of the game. That's awful! What's the mascot for the team?

Welcome to I do think Philadelphia solved any mascot issue, which is like it doesn't have to relate to the just make a crazy thing.

Yeah, it's fun to look at.

What's the roadblock to getting that mascot though? I don't know. They're expensive, right? Some teams just don't do it. I mean like the Dodgers don't have a mascot You know, I think a lot of a lot of baseball I was I wonder I would bet like maybe half of baseball teams have a mascot.

Dodgers have the saddest story behind their name. Trolley Dodgers? Yes. Which is, so many people were hit and killed by trolleys in Brooklyn when they were the Brooklyn Dodgers.

That's horrible.

I think it was sort of like a term for a Brooklynite because there were so many trolleys, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're one of those trolley Dodgers from Brooklyn land, are you?

One of the remaining people from Brooklyn that wasn't killed by industry.

You're not a wonderful knickerbocker like me.

Oh, it's so funny.

Let's do some, let's switch it up here, just to not infuriate our guests. Erin keeps elbowing me in the ribs. These are some mashup riddles that we received at a recent live show in Seattle. Quinn, thank you so much. Thank you, Quinn. These are sort of a mashup of two celebrity names. I'll give you one sentence of a hint that will contain hints for the two celebrities, and then you have to find a way to combine them. I think they're all, I think, all sort of last name bleeding into the first name of the next celebrity.

Okay.

Are any of the celebrities James Cromwell? That's the only celebrity I like now. I'm ride or die for him. I don't believe so. So for example's sake, this, and some of these I'm going to change slightly just to make them a little, because some of these personally I think are a little quick to solve, so I'm just going to change some of the clues slightly. This former Billy Elliot actor sings 80s hit, Man Eater, and You Make My Dreams.

This Scottish actor goes on to play Southern lawyer Atticus Finch.

This Scottish actor goes on to play Southern warrior, Atticus Finch. Gregory Peck. James Cromwell. You got the last part. James Cromwell.

You end at Gregory Peck. Ding, ding, ding.

Nice one. Okay, what if they kissed?

Erin, what's this?

What if they kissed? They're both so handsome. What if we combined them together?

This is my Gregory Peck.

That's pretty good. Yeah.

Shif-shif-rope. Shif-rope. Shif-rope. This Hong Kong action star gives memorable performances and outtakes as well as takes off their clothes.

Speaking of hung up, Sammo hung like a horse stripper. Let's go to the next one.

Here's

That's something that you guys could do in your Vegas friendship trip is go to Magic Mike XXL.

I still like the Thunder Down Under. I'm never gonna flip. There's some people who are flipping and going from Thunder Down Under to Magic Mike. I just don't want to get recruited while I'm there. In my favorite documentary about table setting called Sat, it's truly so funny. It feels like a Christopher Guest movie. One of the women in it reveals like halfway through that she's seen Thunder Down Under like 52 times.

Let's say Paul you're in Vegas you're at the we'll say the Bellagio and you are you you're from out of town obviously as all the Vegas people are you've some somehow

Found your way on stage during a Cirque du Soleil performance. And we'll say Erin, Japes, and Neil, you're Cirque du Soleil performers trying to sort of make things work.

Oh god, I just want to say, when I bid on this in the auction at my church, I knew it was going to be fun, but I didn't know it was going to be thrilling as well.

Okay, enough chit-chat. We need you to kind of, uh... You see this pole? Are you capable of... Yeah, yeah, can you sign my program? ...sort of sliding up it, but being upside down? Yeah, I'll sign it. I'm sorry. I'm wearing kind of a flipper costume here, so it's kind of tough, but...

And can you ask them to sign my book? Hey, would you guys sign this program?

We're not supposed to talk at all.

We're kind of like mimes in the show. We're not supposed to be just straight up mimes.

Can we just toss him into the sky?

Yeah, I just, we have sort of the pole set up, but he really needs to kind of... Selfie time!

Get up, come on. Did you guys ever see the Oscars that Ellen hosted? Do you remember the selfies she did? So there's these things called selfies. And I was thinking maybe we should do what Ellen did. We're all 19 and French. I'm 19, we don't die.

Yeah, we're 19 and French.

We haven't seen Oscars or anything like that. Oh, well I'm 62 and American. We're gonna need you to go reverse up the pole, because that's kind of what the whole act is and we're at the bottom like, oh no!

We told them before they did the auction at this church, like, make sure everyone knows you have to have insane upper body strength.

Core strength, you have to be nimble. I feel like, sir, you look like you have a lot of different injuries.

You have a pacemaker scar. Hey everyone!

Please welcome special guest star for Cirque du Soleil Ted from Melanoma, Georgia

Thank you, thank you. Hey everybody, I bid on this. His hands are so dry, I can't get the mic out of his hands.

One of my old tricks.

We should've given him that mic.

That was our bad. We truly lost the sauce.

And the only way you can stop me is if you have some water and it can touch my knees. Good try, nice try.

The floor opens up and it's a huge pool.

Damn it!

No, no, his knees are dissolving. The bottom parts of his legs are just kind of floating away.

When I bid on this,

The Reverend promised me I'd have a fun time. Oh, see? That's the church for you. Yeah. Are you having a good time?

NOOOOO!

Ladies and gentlemen, please exit the theater and make your way to Metallica at the Sphere. My favorite part of that, and this made me so delighted and then made me so anxious, the Midwestern person in me, the Midwestern brain I have, which is to outright ask someone to sign your playbill and then say, can you ask those two to sign it? Because if someone did that to me, I'd be like, oh, I'm approachable. And then I'd be like, wait a minute. Why are they intimidated by the other two? Talent's intimidated. It's a catch 22.

When we were performing on the JoCo Cruise, someone flagged me down once and they handed me a t-shirt and they said, could you go get the guys from They Might Be Giants to sign the t-shirt? And I was like, oh no, I'm just like, I'm just a guy like you. I don't know if they might be Giants. And I certainly, if I did, I wouldn't waste that cachet on getting them to sign your t-shirt.

Yeah, if I have a favor to ask from They Might Be Giants.

Hey guys, could I get a picture?

This Latin pop star is perhaps best known for their role as Elizabeth Swann. Elizabeth Swann is Keira Knightley.

Shakira Nightly. Shakira Nightly. I wish.

There are two Latin pop stars. I have to settle for Shakira Weekly.

Oh, brother. Oh, brother.

Is that like the rate that you watch Zootopia? I'm kind of on a Shakira Weekly thing myself.

Zootopia 2, we excited? Yeah. I'm excited. I'm excited a little bit. was Zootopia

What are they gonna do?

What are they up to?

What are they gonna do? How are they gonna pull this one out?

After this actor escaped the slums, they started one of the most successful daytime talk shows of all time. Drew Barrymore.

Oprah Winfrey. Ellen DeGeneres.

Yeah, you got the last one.

Famous for taking that selfie. That united the entire country, that selfie. I remember that selfie.

And I'll say this actor plays a character who escaped the Mumbai slums.

That's what I was thinking, I was just trying to think of their characters.

Oh, sorry, the actors.

Oh, Dev Patel-in? Oh, Dev Patel-in Degeneres. Dev Patel-in Degeneres. Yes. Wow. Okay. That's crazy because I was thinking, when you said daytime dog shows, I was thinking Regis Philbin, and though he's not in Slumdog Millionaire, it is kind of about him.

Yeah, it's really about him at the end of it.

After he saw that movie, he turned to the person he was with and said, this movie is really about me, and I'll be dead in five years.

Now, Erin, we once shared a hotel room and in the middle of your dreams you kept saying, Green Knight, hey Green Knight, ooh, Green Knight.

Well, I have a huge crush on Dev Patel, but not from Green Knight. Green Knight gave me horrible, horrible, horrible nightmares.

Who's your dream Dev Patel? What's your dream Dev Patel in his roles? You just have a crush on the main Dev Patel. You don't want to tell me.

No, I don't want to tell you that it's Dev Patel in the newsroom.

The newsroom! Is he shirtless in the newsroom? No! What the hell does he do in the newsroom?

See, I knew I wasn't safe to tell you about my crush on Dev Patel in the newsroom.

Is there like a particular real-world story that they connect to? Like that's the thing on the newsroom, right? They break the real news, yeah.

He won't give up like a whistleblower like so he has to go on the run at some point Which I think was something in the news, but he's like also that he starts as like the the one who does social media Okay, I have a crush on basically everyone in the newsroom. Name someone in the newsroom I have a crush on them.

Jeff, um, Daniels? Not him, but everyone else Does the only other guy know about the newsroom? John Gallagher.

John Gallagher Jr. and Dev Patel. Huge crushes on them.

Allison Pill?

Huge crush.

Gideon Iago, didn't he write for that?

Great, add him to the list.

I want to say Erin Sorkin.

He probably does a cameo.

Does he do cameos in his own work? And he likes to walk and fuck. He loves to walk and fuck.

I don't think so.

Did you hear that the writer of The Newsroom and West Wing also married one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's greatest roles?

Aaron Sorkin... Aaron Sorkin... Aaron Sorkin Terminator?

Aaron Sorkin did The Barbarian? Aaron Sorkin Dinder Cop.

What's the toy one?

This 6'7 rapper is also regarded as the Great One.

Little Wayne Gretzky?

Yes! Damn! Little Wayne is 6'7"?

Wait, he has that song that's 6'7"? Is it referring to just the song title?

Oh, does it sample Belafonte? Is that 6'7"?

So it's like calling a big guy slim. Little Wayne, that's the joke, huh?

I'm just wondering if the phrasing is just trying to refer to the song and not his actual height. Oh, that makes more sense. You know what, you're probably right. Because that's the name of the song. Yes, yes, yes.

I was like, that can't be true. When you see him on camera, he doesn't look 6'7".

That'd be cool though if he did.

6'7 is so tall. My brother-in-law is 6'7 and it is a whole thing.

I think that there's no way that there's a person that is 6'7 that I know about that I don't know that they're 6'7. Because we're saying Lil Wayne is not 6'7. That's what we're saying definitively here today. I'd be surprised. Yeah, but I think I would be so surprised.

We're like the tall people in the industry.

They say the camera takes away two feet.

Today we We'll see you next time!

Yeah, my favorite actor is Shaq. My second favorite actor is Blake Griffin. I gotta say, after Happy Gilmore 2, Boban Marjanovic.

Oh, I was on a plane once with the, what's the guy who plays the giant in Twin Peaks and Lurch in Adam's Family? That guy. Oh yeah. That was cool seeing him. I was like, that is just an instantly recognizable dude.

That's a fun celebrity sighting.

Especially on a plane, because that would be like the most uncomfortable. He was coming back from a convention. I've multiple times been Hey Riddle Riddle. Thanks for watching!

I've seen Scott Conn and Paul Rudd in person, and both of them are not super tall, but they have very tall hair. Like, remarkably tall hair. But when you saw him, he wasn't as Ant-Man. Maybe that was messing up the size. It could have been that.

Jennifer Aniston once accidentally hugged me, and she had the wildest head-to-body ratio I've ever seen.

Was she tall, though?

No. Very short, but the size of her head compared to how tiny her body is... He hugged a Jennifer Aniston bobblehead. I was an extra in... Did you think she thought you were a Gunther?

He's giving Gunther... Ouch!

Oh, no, no, no!

That's not what the... I didn't mean that you were... Oh, no, he stepped in it.

What was the, it was Vince Vaughn, uh, the breakup? I was the extra in the breakup at Wrigley Field and I was like front row of the seats and as she was walking by she saw me, clearly thought I was someone she knew, ran up and I kind of stood up and she hugged me and then as she kind of put her head back was like, hey, and I go, hi, thank you, and then she walked away.

That's amazing.

What if she did think you were Gunther?

You don't look a thing like Gunther, but she was just like, Gunther! And then she's like, why did I think that guy was Gunther?

I should have been like, it's finally happening. I was once at UCV sitting in like the under-the-seats sort of a little office area. This was many years ago. Smoking a G&A. Door opened behind me, because that was also the pathway to the green room, and someone started rubbing my head. And then I turned to see, and it was Jon Hamm, and he was like, oh, sorry, I thought you were Scott Aukerman.

Welcome back!

Well, you've been blessed and we've been blessed to have the two of you. Thank you both so much for being on the show.

I feel smarter now, too.

You're gonna be served up, both of you gonna be served up some more Instagram ads. Neil Campbell, Paul Rust, what do you have? We'll start with Neil. Anything to plug or promote?

So a show I co-created with Andy Samberg, Digman, is airing on Comedy Central Wednesdays after South Park. Presumably that will still be true by the time this is released. And it won't be streaming on Paramount Plus until next year. It's just airing on cable right now. God damn it! Sorry, no one else is mad about that? Make a call! The life I've gotten used to. Season 1 is all on Paramount+, so this is season 2. Season 1 is excellent, too. I really, really enjoyed season 1.

And I can't wait for season 2. And I won't, I guess I'm buying it on Apple. As all our listeners have to do as well.

Paul Rust, anything to promote?

I said Apple because I'm just trying to help out any struggling company, mom and pop brick and mortars out there. I mean hell, if you can buy it on Spotify, I feel like we all endorse that as well, right? If you could buy it on a Tesla, I think that you'd play it on your Tesla, so do that too. Neil and I, we do a show the second Friday of every month, often with Erin, at the Elysian Theatre. If you're ever in Los Angeles, come check it out. It's called Playhouse Masterpieces. It's a real hoot, if you like Improv. You might.

If you don't like it, you'll also like the show, because we're fucking with the form.

A lot of Hey Riddle Riddle listeners come and check it out and they loved it. Who are some of the regular people in that show?

Mike Mitchell and Fran Gillespie and Lily Sullivan does it a lot. Chicago. I love as a kid going to Walgreens and you put your arm in the hot dog

Created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan.

Casey Toney did the editing, and Marty Parris did the music.

Hey there, pods and cast. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We have Alice Stanley Jr. on to do some podcast access. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.