Which Riddle Riddle?

#368: Swan Dong w/ Josh Gondelman

00:00:01

???

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Josh

Yes, Mr. Gecko, you're a huge inspiration to us all. But who was your muse?

???

Oh, my dear old Nan. She imparted many wise words to me. She would say, never let the fame get to your head, always remember who you are, and let people get more than just savings with Gecko's fast and friendly claim support. I lived up to her advice, and now anyone can file a claim anywhere and anytime. I miss her so much. Did she go somewhere? Extended quilting trip.

Josh

Ah. Get more than just savings. Get more with Gecko.

JPC

Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Riddle Hey Riddle Rid So I'm just trying to get ahead of it this time and say don't pull the mustache. It's a real mustache. I'm not your regular teacher. Does anyone know what we were covering in class? They didn't leave me. I'm a substitute. You know, I'm contracted by the school. Normally I get like a sheet with what we're supposed to be covering today.

00:01:42

Erin

You look a lot like our regular teacher.

Josh

And I'm overwhelmed with energy to pull the mustache, especially since you said not to.

Erin

Yeah, he's probably going to do it.

JPC

What if I pull it and I promise you I'll pull it regular and it's not? Okay, yeah.

Adal

I can't trust you. It's like a magician checking his own deck of cards. It's also kind of a tactile thing for me.

JPC

Okay, let's see, who's the weakest kid in class? Let's get the weakest kid in class can pull the mustache one time.

Adal

Why are you staring at me the whole time you're asking who's the weakest kid?

JPC

You look like the smartest kid and the one that would tell the most truth.

Adal

Yeah, I got stuck in one of those flotation tanks. What are those called? How do you know?

00:02:43

JPC

I'm just an empathetic person, I wouldn't call anything humiliating. You don't think there's such a thing as humiliating? No, I don't.

Erin

I don't want to be taught by a man that thinks that way.

JPC

Okay, look, I'm incapable of being humiliated and to prove that, I will poop my pants here in front of you all.

Adal

No, we'll poop it because I don't trust you. It's like a magician checking his own cards.

JPC

Is everything like a magician to you? Were you tortured by a magician? What's going on with this kid?

Adal

Well, you clearly didn't hear what the last teacher did because you would know it was an attempt at a magic trick that went terribly wrong. Would anyone like to check?

JPC

What? Whether you pooped your pants? No! Okay, you know what? We're not doing this. We're not doing this. We're just gonna watch a movie. We're just gonna watch a movie today in class.

Erin

Okay.

JPC

I don't have a movie. It smells terrible in here. It smells like fake mustache.

Erin

Explain a movie to us.

JPC

You know what? We're not gonna watch a movie. Why don't we watch a stand-up special on YouTube? Is everyone okay with that?

00:03:46

Adal

Okay. I had my heart set on Distinguished Gentleman, but okay.

JPC

Now we're going to do a stand-up special on YouTube. Now, does anyone know a good one?

Adal

Ooh, Positive Reinforcement by Josh Gondelman just came out.

JPC

No, I like Stavros. Anyone know any Stavros stuff? We can do that one.

Josh

No, this is like a magician doing a card for us.

JPC

Hey, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast about riddles and some improv as well. And our friend Josh Gondelman is back on the show. And he's got a brand new stand-up special that is out now.

Josh

Thank you so much for having me. It's such a pleasure to be back with you. The last time I recorded with you all was one of my favorite, most fun podcast recording experiences ever. And I saw your live show last year in New York, and that was truly a joy to behold.

Adal

It was pretty eerie when you guessed it last time for the first time, because you fit in with us so quickly. It felt like you were born to be on this podcast.

Josh

I've always wanted to feel like I had a destiny, and so this is very soothing to me.

00:04:48

???

Yeah, good.

Josh

Because until that moment, until that podcast recording, I was straight up just like, I don't know, it could be anything. What if I messed up and should have been an amazing plumber?

Erin

On a different timeline, you are a beloved plumber in Massachusetts. Everyone's like, oh my god, you gotta go to Gondelman. Oh god, he's so good.

Josh

You gotta check out Pipe Down. Erin, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. I'm like tearing up at the idea that I could be a beloved hometown plumber.

Erin

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

JPC

I do like in this fantasy where you're a beloved plumber, you still don't get to leave your hometown. Josh, also the last time you were on this, you were a last minute add to the 2024 JoCoCruise.

00:05:52

Erin

Yes! Like three days before, and so we had immediate friendship reinforcement. You were on the show on like a Monday, and then by the next Monday we were on a cruise together.

Josh

Truly the best. And you got to meet my wife, Maris, and we all got along.

Erin

A dream.

Josh

And we have since hung out, the three of us, and gotten lunch. Truly, this podcast has been nothing but a joy for friendship and creative collaboration in my life.

Erin

the show.

Josh

a look! Truly nothing that energizes me more. I met an acquaintance's fiancé several months ago, and we had a totally warm and pleasant relationship. And then I found out she grew up in the town next to me. And we were just like, well, the weird tunnel vision, the conversation, everyone else in this conversation is blacked out. We're just going to talk about roast beef sandwiches. What's up guys?

00:07:31

JPC

Oh, it's on and popping now. I think if I met someone from Indianapolis, the conversation would be like, cool, kitchen's that way, bathroom's this way, table thing, just you let me know. I'll catch up with you later.

Erin

Oh, it's the best.

Josh

It's the best. It's so fun.

Adal

Now, Josh, we typically ask guests what their relationship is with puzzles, riddles, etc. Obviously, you're a second timer on the show, but I feel like I want to say since the last time you were on, I was in New York and we went to, I believe, your first escape room. Absolutely, we did.

Josh

Then that was, I think, because of a conversation we had on the podcast. So again, podcast, nothing but a boon for friendship and puzzles.

Adal

What were your thoughts about the escape room? I know that was a little bit ago and have you done any since?

Josh

I have vivid memories. The whole traveling party that we were with was so gracious to me in my first escape room because you all were such pros. Hey Riddle

00:08:54

JPC

It's like being in Ocean's 11 and realizing that you're Casey Affleck. But just in the context of that movie. Yeah, only that. I don't want to put that on anybody.

Erin

Yeah, I don't have his other- I'd actually like to see a scene. Josh and JPC, you guys are robbing a bank. And Adal, you're just a bank patron and you're like really impressed by them and you just want to let them know that you think they're doing a good job.

JPC

Awesome. Okay Ghost, alarm blackout is live. We have two minutes. Everybody stay down on the floor. Stay down and nobody gets hurt.

Adal

Hell yeah, hell yeah I'll stay down.

JPC

We're not here for your money, we're here for the bank's money, okay? Everything's worked out to a T on a timer.

Adal

Oh, so, and he's enunciating?

Josh

Oh, he's hitting those T's so hard. Please empty your pockets, put your phones beside you on the floor. We cannot have any outside communication. Everyone will leave safe and easy two minutes from now if we have compliance.

Adal

Holy shit, this is like surgery. Hey guys, I'm gonna stand up. Hey guys, you are, you're crushing it.

00:09:59

JPC

Please don't stand up. We do have guns. Yep, of course. Yeah, that makes sense. Now, just so we know, just so everyone's clear, you're gonna get out of here okay if you follow our orders. But one of you is going to have to hold a live grenade. We do need one. Can't be that guy. Too enthusiastic, don't trust what he's gonna do. It needs to be someone who is properly scared of holding a live grenade, and we don't have a lot of time, so... I'm scared of holding a live grenade. Perfect.

Josh

Here, how are you at catching things when you're nervous?

Erin

Terrible.

Josh

Okay, I'll put it right in your hand. No need to, no need to take extra chances.

JPC

We always ask that question. It's always, we always get the same response. It's another like one of those like tests where we, you know, we're compensating for the fact that someone might be a little too comfortable in this situation.

Josh

It's like how no one who thinks they should be president should be the president. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Erin

I think this guy really wants to hold the grenade. Can I hand it to him?

Josh

No. I love your spirit of generosity, but I just don't think this is the right idea. Also, we are losing daylight.

00:11:03

JPC

Yeah, we actually have to move a lot faster, so in the interest of making everyone know that we're serious, I'm gonna have to pistol whip one person in this bank. It shouldn't be that guy.

Josh

It's just not a deterrent if you're asking for it.

Adal

This, God, can I just say, this sucks. This sucks. Someone who's enthused should get to do it. I went to a Blink-182 concert last night.

Josh

Brag.

Adal

They picked, they're like, we're going to pick somebody to come up on stage and sing. I had a poster board. I dressed like the band. They picked a little kid. It's not fair. Come on.

Erin

Oh yeah, you should pick a little kid to hold the grenade. Ma'am.

JPC

No, no. We'll pick a kid to hit with a gun. No, hold on. You're in our heads. Get out of our heads. Why are there kids at the bank? This is a work day.

Josh

What do you people all do? This guy went to a Blank Quantity 2 concert on a Tuesday. And he's at the bank on a Wednesday morning? What is your life?

Adal

I go, I go town to town, bank to bank, hoping that a robbery occurs.

JPC

Oh, okay, so you know that me and Ghost here are the Blank182 bandits. We follow around Blank182 hoping they deposit their check from the night before even though a check wouldn't make sense because there's no money in a check.

00:12:19

Josh

And they probably don't do their banking late night on the road.

Erin

Hey guys, it's the FBI. We're here. We've been here a couple minutes.

Josh

Good.

JPC

How comfortable are you holding a grenade? May we pistol whip one of you?

Erin

Fun. And we didn't even need a riddle yet.

Adal

We didn't even need one. But we should probably legally get to some riddles here. Why don't we do some trios? We've done these before, so I'm going to list three things, and you all are going to tell me what they have in common.

Josh

It's one of the members of Blink-182. Yeah. Well, let's see here. Travis Barker, Mark Hoppus, and the third... Tom DeLonge.

Erin

Tom DeLonge. Who's the voice that's like the, where are you voice? Who's the voice that's like...

Josh

I forget which one is Mark and which one is Tom, but it's Mark. Travis, I think, vocally, nondescript. No offense, Travis.

Erin

He's never spoken before.

JPC

I think the where are you part is Tom's verse. And I don't think, I honestly think, I've seen Blink-182 twice, and I don't think Travis speaks at all. Mark and Tom have a lot of banter, and Travis is kind of there, like, with his shirt off, like, shrugging. It's pretty interesting.

00:13:33

Erin

I did see them live once and it was at the When We Were Young festival in Vegas. And I will say they were great, but then Green Day went after them and blew them out of the fucking water.

Josh

Green Day is so good live.

Erin

15 times better than Bleak 182. They're one of the best live bands I've ever seen. And I was like, okay, I didn't know about that Green Day.

JPC

The last time I saw Blink-182, Mark had a cold and he was like, he was hanging in there by a thread and they canceled the next night of their tour. So I was like, okay, so we saw him at his absolute worst.

???

Perfect.

Josh

It's also, I'm so impressed by the rigor of touring musicians, because I tour on such a gentler level than that. And like, if I felt, if I was sick, I would just be like, I don't wanna, but you can't do that. Like, you know, there's so little room for I don't wanna when you're like, I have to be at this football stadium tonight, and this football stadium tomorrow night. And it's like, God, Beyonce is superhuman and Taylor Swift just for that. I know, like, they get to travel more gently than most people travel, but it's like, that schedule is bonkers.

00:14:40

Erin

I would be such a brat. I would need, like, an IV drip and someone constantly giving me a massage. Even on stage. Yeah, on stage. My whole family's there. I would be such a baby about it.

JPC

But also, if you told me that Burt Kreischer was always sick, I'd be like, I believe that.

Josh

Sure.

JPC

That's like his Incredible Hulk, like, that's my secret.

Josh

I always have a terrible cold. He's like, that's why I have my shirt off. I can't regulate my own temperature.

JPC

I'm like a lizard. I gotta take my shirt off.

Adal

I'm gonna list three things. You all have to tell me what they have in common. So, for example, multiplication problems, treasure maps, and Roman numerals. They all have an X. X always means 10.

JPC

X's.

Adal

Today we're talking

00:15:43

JPC

I would like to see a scene. The three of you are pirates and you're trying to read a map but you're like a little hungover so you're kind of struggling.

Josh

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'd shoot him if it weren't so fucking loud to shoot a parrot. We know X marks the spot, parrot. Yeah, we know. Oh, so much grog last night. So much grog. So much grog. I'm gonna have a little bit right now, because I think what I need is a little grog of the dog. Oh, a little grog of the dog. Oh yeah, pass it over here. I've got a hair of the grog myself. Okay, okay, I think this is this is land and this is these are trees I think Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's the spot Obviously, there's a spark.

00:17:07

JPC

Yep. I mean, yeah, yeah number one of the bullet the spot. I mean, that's the That's the easiest thing to spot, really.

Josh

Yeah, but where are the traps we laid? Oh boy. We disguised the traps with a secret symbol and I forget it because my brain is just throbbing.

JPC

I want to throw something out. Is it possible we're looking at the map Like on the wrong side of the map, because we use such heavy ink, I feel like it's just kind of bleeding through on both sides.

Josh

Such heavy ink and rice paper. Maybe it's reversed. Okay, let me turn it over.

Erin

Uh, yar, I shucked some fresh oysters for ya. Did anyone want oysters?

Josh

Oh, I'm gonna yarf.

Erin

You're hurting my feelings. I just checked for these oysters.

Josh

What coast are they from?

00:18:10

Erin

I don't want to say.

Josh

What coast are they from?

Erin

West.

Josh

West coast oysters. I only eat oysters from the Barbary coast.

Erin

Scene, scene, scene. All my favorite oyster places out here, every time I go and they say where the oysters are from, they're all where I grew up in Massachusetts. It's like, well, why am I even here? Yeah. Doxbury, you're like, what am I even doing here?

Josh

Today we're She was staying with a foster family in Worcester, Massachusetts, and I cannot, whenever anybody brings that up or asks about it, I cannot help but say, like, she's a Worcester foster.

00:19:13

Erin

She's a Worcester foster. She grew up by Six Flags, so, you know, she's spoiled.

Adal

They bring her to the AAA baseball game. She goes to Pola Field. What's the Six Flags in Boston or near Boston?

Erin

Six Flags, New England, Western Mass.

Adal

Oh.

Erin

It was okay. It had a great Superman roller coaster and a great Batman roller coaster.

Adal

It was?

Erin

You know, I don't I haven't been I'm gonna be honest with you. I haven't been to Six Flags New England in a minute. I don't I can't stand by it. But I do my like, memory of it is kids will make up like legends about people dying there in various ways.

Josh

Which is New Jersey stolen valor. Yeah, for sure.

Erin

But it's okay. It's better than the Los Angeles Six Flags, I can tell you that much. That place is terrifying.

Adal

LA has a Six Flags?

Erin

Yeah, it's like Southern California Six Flags. It is the worst roller coaster I've ever been on in my life. I thought it was broken. And they're like, nope, that's just how it's supposed to be.

JPC

It just feels bad.

00:20:14

Erin

It just feels bad.

JPC

Didn't you at one point have like a year membership to that Six Flags?

Erin

Yeah, the person I was dating got a two-year membership because he was like, I'm basically losing money without it.

Josh

You shouldn't be legally allowed to buy a two-year membership to an amusement park. That's like leasing a Six Flags. My friend Robert Dean, who's a very funny comedian as well, has a bit where he goes to the Cyclone at Coney Island every summer, and he gets the picture on the novelty t-shirt, and then the next year he wears the previous year's novelty t-shirt. That's amazing! It's like the funniest. He goes by himself. It's called Cyclone Alone.

JPC

I think that's very funny, but I don't think that I would like I even though it gets progressively smaller I don't think I would like to see a t-shirt of me like aging Fortunately right you mostly see the previous year, yeah, yeah, but I agree with you I think it is like magnified glass a t-shirt of Dorian gray.

00:21:23

Adal

Yeah Toys R Us, Victoria's Secret, The Kennedy Family. Toys R Us, Victoria's Secret, The Kennedy Family.

Erin

Tread lightly everybody.

JPC

Scandal? Places that are frequented by Johns? No.

Adal

That's a great guess. JPC, you are surprisingly on the right track. Very much on the right track.

Josh

Is there a famous... I'm trying to think of like a famous Jeffrey associated, but... Jeffrey the Giraffe! Yeah, that's the... I mean, that's the one.

Erin

Oh, that's the one.

JPC

Is it Jeff Kennedy?

Erin

No, that's... Victoria's Secret still exists.

JPC

It would not surprise me if there was a Jeff Kennedy, but he just was like, oh yeah, John's a nickname for Jeff. The Kennedy nickname's like Jack. That confuses the fuck out of me. I'm like, that sounds like it should just be its own name.

Josh

And the only one who's the president, basically, Jeff K.

Erin

Yeah, JFK You know what is a real like if you ever are feeling low confidence go to the Kennedy Museum and in one of the rooms they have JFK's report cards and I want everyone to look at that and then you'll be like, you know, I could probably be a president He didn't get good grades all the teachers were like he's talking too much like he B's and C's

00:22:45

Adal

Wow. I thought he'd get a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

Erin

What do you think is the most helpful pair?

Adal

Crumbling American institutions. I think Toys R Us is the least helpful, so Victoria's Secret and Kennedy Family is definitely the strongest pair. And I will say, I'll stress again, JPC was very much on the nose in terms of his guests, was in the exact right vein. So it's a name?

Josh

Mm-hmm.

Erin

Braa Kennedy. Panties, Kennedy. Thong, Kennedy. Teddy, Teddy. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy

Adal

That's incredible. That's how they ask for your bra size, right?

00:23:46

Erin

Yep. My mom walked through the line to see Ted Kennedy's body twice when he died. She stayed in line twice.

Josh

If you're in line to see Ted Kennedy's body a second time, stay in line.

JPC

A Ted body.

Josh

His name was Ted, right? That's short for Edward, right? Edward, yeah. God, these fucking nicknames.

JPC

But he did go by Teddy.

Erin

And then Ted later.

JPC

Yeah, and then Ted later. I just I'm always interested when a person chooses to drop like the what I the the why you know part of your name which is I associate more with like a childhood like you call like a child Teddy and then They grow up and they're Ted.

00:24:47

Josh

You're a man now, dawg.

Adal

I do want to see a scene. Josh, you are JFK. Okay. And Erin, you are an employee at Victoria's Secret, and JFK has come in sunglasses, hat, incognito to buy lingerie for one of his sort of side pieces.

Erin

Hi, welcome to Victoria's Secret. How can I help you?

Josh

Yes, hello. Thank you for asking not what I can do for you, but what you can do for me.

Erin

Okay, you're wearing a disguise, which actually happens a lot in here, but you're kind of winking. It's like you want me to recognize you.

Josh

No, no, this is a real mustache.

Erin

Okay.

Josh

You can pull it if you want, or I'll pull it.

Erin

Okay, I actually, I'm seeing someone, so.

Josh

All right, well, what if I pull it in front of you? What does that do for you? Does that do anything for you? Does that do something for me?

Erin

Yeah, go for it.

Josh

Hey.

00:25:48

Erin

He's so charming. I don't know what it is about him. He's just got something. Anyways, can I get you... Sorry, I'm nervous now. Can I get you... No need to be nervous.

Josh

Sure, I'm looking for kind of a bra and panty set. Okay.

Erin

Did anyone ever tell you you sound like Ted from the movie Ted?

Josh

I hear that all the time. People are like, you could be brothers with Ted. The bear.

Erin

Yeah.

Josh

Which I sound nothing like the bear from The Bear.

Erin

Yeah.

Josh

Jeremy Allen White.

Erin

Yeah, that's true. So yeah, you know, I'm just gonna put a bunch of stuff in a bag for you.

Josh

Can you put it in slower?

Erin

Okay. Also, I think that your brothers are also in here. I'm just pointing at two guys in various disguises.

Josh

Yeah, that's them.

00:26:49

Adal

I think the pajama pants with the juicy on the butt would be the best option. I died in the war. Don't mind me, just talking to the ghost of my brother.

JPC

I know he has a bunch of brothers, but I only knew the one.

Erin

The one, the oldest one is the one that the dad was like, you'll be president. And then he died in the war.

Josh

Supposed to be president. And then RFK Sr. Right?

Erin

Yeah.

Adal

How does little Edie figure into the mix?

Erin

She's a cousin.

Adal

Cousin.

Erin

Right?

JPC

I'm

Erin

I'm looking it up. I didn't know she was a Kennedy. First cousin to former first lady Jackie Kennedy. Yeah.

00:27:52

JPC

I feel like Kennedy relations are like, you know, like you'll hear someone's a Kennedy and you're like, how are they a Kennedy? And they were like, oh, they were like Jackie Onassis' gardener. And you're like, that's a Kennedy?

Adal

I don't know. For Christmas, they would, it's sort of like knighting someone. They would make people honorary Kennedy. You are now a Kennedy.

JPC

I think Schwarzenegger's a Kennedy. on the show They're producing the people that are in charge of Fantastic Four merch, and they don't know how it's going to do yet, but they just want to make sure it's on shelves.

Josh

Yeah, we might be sending these Ben Grimm toys to you. In case there's a demand.

Adal

I do really enjoy the idea that if JFK just would have lived long enough to see Ted, or Ted 2, I think that

Erin

Oh, he would have loved it.

00:28:52

Adal

I feel like I saw something recently that was like Salvador Dali was alive during like the year Short Circuit was put out or something.

Josh

The comedian Joe List has a bit about how Picasso lived for six Super Bowls and I think about it constantly.

Erin

Oh, maybe it was Picasso. That's crazy.

Adal

Or it's like the year he died was like the same year that, you know, Howard the Duck came out or something. So it's like the thought experiment of like, Technically, he could have seen Howard the Duck, and wouldn't that be a treat?

Josh

I don't like the, like, wanna-feel-old, this-thing-happened-this-long-ago, but I'm obsessed with, like, this person lived in the time of, like, this person could have had a laptop or whatever.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

The fucked up thing about the, like, the TED thing is that Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be driving a motorcade in Dallas.

Erin

JBC, this is too late for a joke. He was supposed to be, he's trying to do a joke about how... I wasn't trying, first of all.

JPC

You were trying, because no one got it except me. He was supposed to be on one of the 9-11 planes? Yes. Is that right? He was supposed to be on one of the 9-11. Also, I know I keep bringing it up. Not according to his will, but everyone just agrees that he should have been.

00:30:06

Erin

I know I keep bringing it up, but for a minute there, Big Bird was supposed to be on the Challenger.

JPC

That's right.

Erin

Oh my god. Do you think we're on a dark timeline now?

Josh

And so many kids watch that, like, in school.

Erin

Yeah, yeah. They would have watched Big Bird explode in the sky.

Adal

I can just picture Big Bird craning his neck down and being like, oh no, I'm fucked.

JPC

I think Elmo was supposed to be on the Titan Submersible. Oh, come on. It could have been Gonzo. I don't know. I don't know.

Adal

Miss Rachel had a ticket on the Titanic. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll Google what other... Yeah, we'll think of a few more of these. Yeah, we'll be right back.

JPC

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Erin

Adal JPC, I got a new website and it's dedicated to one of your favorite Hey Riddle Riddle characters.

00:31:07

Adal

Oh, Coco, is it Erin Keif, the character that you play sometimes on the show?

Erin

Yeah!

JPC

Wait, you're talking about Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place?

Erin

Uh-huh and I'm from the 1920s or something so building a website gotta be intuitive for me to like it and I love Squarespace.

Adal

Oh yeah Coco I know that you've been obsessed with videos or I mean just a lot of technology in general but especially videos.

Erin

I screamed when I saw it at first.

Adal

You were like a scared horse. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, or Coco's singing classes, which I think have been doing surprisingly well.

Erin

They have. You can fundraise directly to your website and grow your impact with built-in donation tools. Create a professional on-brand website that makes it easy to accept one-time or recurring contributions and engage supporters. With built-in email campaigns and marketing tools, you can connect with your community and inspire more people to support your cause.

00:32:29

JPC

Plus, Coco, you can get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more, so you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. What is your ideal customer, Coco? Like, what's your target market?

Erin

Ducks.

JPC

Oh boy.

Erin

Ducks with iPads.

JPC

So head to squarespace.com slash riddle for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Erin

You won't be sorry!

Adal

And Coco, you said Betty Boop is suing you?

Erin

Yeah, for everything. I get it. GPC, what happened?

JPC

I just, I cut myself again on some of my closet staples.

Erin

Oh, JPC.

JPC

Yeah, I got a closet full of staples because I've heard that it's good to like... You stapled all your clothes you're gonna need.

Adal

Oh boy.

Erin

I think that you're thinking of closet staples, like clothes that you can wear a lot that look good with other things. I get mine from quints.

00:33:35

Adal

Have you heard of Quince? They have closet staples you'll want to reach for over and over carefully, like cozy cashmere and cotton sweaters from just $50, breathable flow-knit polos, and comfortable lightweight pants that somehow work for both weekend hangs and dressed-up dinners. I'm wearing some right now.

JPC

Oh, okay. I think I have, you guys, I think this is another one of my classic mix-em-ups where I've fundamentally misunderstood the assignment.

???

100%.

Erin

And guess what? With Quince, everything is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middleman, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markups. My sheets are from Quince. That's why I look so well-rested.

JPC

That's why you're always wearing sheets?

Erin

These are real clothes.

JPC

Those are real clothes. Okay.

Erin

Oh my God. Okay.

JPC

Great. Nope. And I'm getting it. I actually know Quince and I love Quince because I have a lightweight hoodie from Quince that I wore to our Portland show, our Seattle show, and here in LA. It is wonderful. It's my favorite item of clothing that I own.

00:34:35

Erin

And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. So you don't even have to feel bad when you're wearing your hoodie.

JPC

So stop covering your wet, naked body with staples from the staples store.

Erin

What the heck. Use a towel.

JPC

Yeah, maybe somebody else did the call to action. Mine's all messed up.

Adal

Keep it classic and cool with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash riddle to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash riddle.

Erin

And let me grab that stapler from you.

Adal

No, no, no.

JPC

I need this for my clothes.

Erin

Nope.

JPC

Quince, it's quite comfortable.

Erin

Hell yeah. Yes, Adal.

JPC

Yeah. Hey, Adal. Hey, Erin. Can I tell you something that I'm kind of like ashamed of?

Erin

Yeah, of course. Always.

JPC

When I was a kid, all of my two brothers, all of our birthdays are within a month and it's all around Christmas time so we used to just get like Christmas birthday gifts and sometimes we would just get like combo gifts together and I would always tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big Lego and then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself.

00:35:52

Adal

How do you put together one big Lego?

JPC

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block.

Erin

I mean, you didn't really understand finances. You didn't have anything like acorns early when you were growing up, so how are you supposed to know?

Adal

Hee hee hee! Hey kids, it's me! Birthday Santa! Birthday Santa? That's right.

JPC

You're real?

Adal

Yes, and I want to tell you about Acorns Early, which is something JBC it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had. Yeah, we could have used. Yeah, absolutely. Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

JPC

Oh, so cool. You can start with in-app chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar. Then, let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

Erin

Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence. Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control. And I mean, I would have loved having this growing up. I would know way more about money than I do right now.

00:36:58

Adal

Right, right. I mean, but I'm like a newer thing. Like, I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas. I understand. But anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for loose change, quarters, etc. But these days there's so much more that kids need to know about money. He he he. Acorns Early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world.

JPC

And I love the Acorns Early app. I've played around in here. My kid's a little too young to start it right now because they're kind of like a little toddler. But I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a, you know, person that exists in the world nowadays.

Adal

Well, I'm a person that exists in the world. Who said I wasn't?

JPC

Yeah, no, anyway, if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend, get your first month on us when you head to AcornsEarly.com slash HeyRiddle, or download the Acorns Early app. That's one month free when you sign up at AcornsEarly.com slash HeyRiddle.

00:38:04

Adal

Acorns Early card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank, member FDIC, pursuant to license by MasterCard International. Free trial to new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting from $5 per month, unless canceled. Terms apply to Acorns.com slash EarlyTerms. Hey Riddle Riddle. And we're back and we thought of a few more. Sam the Eagle at Kent State. What else?

Erin

What else? What else?

Adal

What else? What else?

Erin

And that was it.

Josh

That was the wiggles in the Library of Alexandria as it was burning down.

Erin

That combo of words have never been said together.

JPC

It feels really nice to hit on one of those. What are those purse charms that everyone's going crazy about? Labubus? Labubu. Okay, because I couldn't pull, but I was going to say a labubu out of the Hindenburg. I've been hearing labubu, and I did a cursory Google to see what is a labubu, and it was like, it's an expensive thing to put on your purse. And I was like, okay, close tab. I think I'm good. I think I'm good on whatever this cultural phenomenon is.

00:39:22

Adal

I thought it was a purse. So what do you mean it's a thing you put on your purse?

JPC

Okay, now I thought from my cursory Google, so this is a person who Googled it and closed it immediately, that it was like a little plush animal thing, like a charm, like a purse charm.

Josh

Yeah, it's got kind of like a monster face and a fuzzy little body.

JPC

This is, this is everything now. We were recently in Mall of America and I was like, oh, I'll get like a stuffed animal, um, like something unique to Mall of America that I couldn't get anywhere else. I'll get something like that for my kid. And I went to like every toy store, literally, in Mall of America. I walked the mall like, uh, you know, complete loops. And every toy store had the same toys in them and they were like, What's up everyone?

00:40:27

Josh

They gotta be, you gotta have soft ones that some of it is functionality. Yeah.

JPC

And it's like, these are plush. Like they should be soft.

Josh

Yeah, I agree. Soft means soft.

Adal

Let's do another of the trios here. The Lincoln assassination. And I don't mean to make these all Lincoln.

Josh

No, the Lincoln assassination. That's that's so wild because Bluey was there.

Erin

Oh, yeah. That's so crazy. The real Bluey was there.

Adal

I believe history notes that it was Mom, Dad, Bluey, and then Kablamo.

JPC

Lincoln's brain John Wilkes Booth said I want a bluey Abraham Lincoln's head off, but what he meant

Adal

The Lincoln assassination, early Superman comics, and a diner.

00:41:29

JPC

All Jewish. Yeah, that's right. I like this conspiracy theory.

???

The Jews killed Lincoln.

Josh

What?

Erin

A diner. Pancakes.

Josh

Lincoln got pancakes.

Erin

You know, this strategy helped me last time with the teddy thing.

Josh

Yeah, I can't criticize it because you really got there.

Adal

I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are Abraham Lincoln. You've gone into a diner to order pancakes, and Josh, you are the waiter who brings them, and JPC is Lincoln. You're trying to kind of, you know, you just gave your big speech, you just gave your big four score, and you're trying to sort of maintain some amount of dignity while eating this silly food.

JPC

A table or at the bar for one. Just one. Oh, perfect. I'll sit at the bar. Do you mind if I read a book while I'm sitting here? Not at all. You can do whatever you like. Suit yourself.

00:42:31

Josh

I think I'll try some of these pancakes that I've been hearing about. Oh yeah? They're flying off the shelves like hotcakes.

Erin

Did you guys hear about Lincoln's new speech? It's so stupid. Four score in seven years. Say 47 years ago. That's so stupid.

Josh

What the fuck is four score?

Erin

I think it's like 10 years is the score. Nobody talks like that.

???

20.

Erin

20 years? See, no one knows that. Anyways, I'm going to keep flipping these pancakes.

JPC

Some people know. Some people know.

Erin

We need a new president. That guy is so embarrassing. He's mostly hat.

JPC

We'll get one. We'll get one in a couple of years, so no need to be rash with it.

Josh

I hate Slavery. I think it's a moral abomination. I hate Lincoln even more.

Erin

Yeah, me too.

Josh

Come on.

Erin

He's like, I got a beard, I got a hat. That does not a man make.

JPC

First of all, I feel like I'm not even in a disguise or anything, right?

00:43:31

Josh

We don't know what he looks like. This is not television.

JPC

She said beard and hat.

Adal

Yeah, she's like a little cartoon. A lot of guys wear beard and hat. Excuse me, are you talking to me, beard and hat? Tug's beard. Tip's hat. Wait, why did that guy get to sit in a booth?

Erin

He's an important person.

Josh

So you're pro-booth? That's your stance? Oh, no. I hate booths.

JPC

I don't know why. Never liked them.

Josh

Yeah, that's wise. So, pancakes. Now, do you want some whipped cream on there? Some berries?

JPC

Oh, just give me whatever most people get. Okay. The pancakes of the common man, that's what I'll enjoy.

Erin

Okay, sir.

Josh

This guy's ordering with real loser energy.

Erin

Yeah, real loser energy, my god. Anyways.

00:44:32

Josh

I feel like most people like me, am I wrong on that? Well, I don't know the rest of your life, but in this diner, we could take a census. Hey, who here in this diner likes this guy with the hat and the beard? Not the cool guy, the other one. Booth. That guy said Booth. I am Booth. Fuck you. Fuck you and your whole fucking family.

Erin

I'm in a play later, if anyone wants to come see it. It's called My American Cousin. It should be okay. I'm okay in it. I'm good, not great.

Josh

I bet you're better than you say. You're always doing this. You're always putting yourself down. The last play you were in, you were tremendous.

Erin

Oh, thanks.

Josh

Are you the cousin? No.

Erin

I wish.

JPC

Are you at least the American?

Erin

Who is this guy? You're hurting my feelings.

Josh

Wait, you're the president? Of what? There's no way. President Lincoln of America. You suck. The president sucks.

JPC

It makes sense. I'm president of the good part of America.

00:45:39

Erin

All right, here's your check.

JPC

Yeah, get out of here. Hold on, before I leave, why doesn't everyone just say what they think the good part of America is? Because I maybe have gotten a read on why I'm not liked here.

Erin

We're all pointing up. The North.

Josh

Massachusetts, yeah. Okay, fuck. Well, this is not a political thing. We just think you've got like a bad vibe, guy.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

Maybe I call up Jefferson Davis and tell him I maybe misplayed this thing a little bit.

Adal

Well, JPC, I think you got it. The Lincoln Assassination, early Superman comics, and a diner all have... Coffee!

JPC

Oh, uh, massive holes.

Adal

Oh, come on. You said it in the scene. Uh, pancakes?

Erin

Whipped cream.

Adal

I think we all said it.

Josh

Booths. They all had booths.

Adal

Booths. The phone booths at Superman. Oh, the phone booths.

Erin

Oh, right.

Adal

That Clark Kent would change into. John Wilkes booth, and of course, a dining booth.

00:46:43

JPC

I mean, spoilers for Superman, but I didn't even realize it until this moment. They didn't have a single fucking phone booth in that movie.

Adal

That's why it says early Superman comics.

JPC

I think they did away with it. They phased out the phone booth. I guess society kind of phased out the phone booth, huh?

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

Now he's probably got a change in chat GPT. Hey Grok. Clark Kent asking for the Starbucks bathroom code.

Adal

How about the ruby slippers, a computer mouse, a mutually attracted couple. They click. They all click. Wow.

Erin

Oh my gosh, you got that so fast.

Josh

Wow. I'm just glad to be on the board, frankly.

Erin

Wow. Impressive.

Adal

Let's do another one here. A golf course. Okay. All in the family, World War I. Bunkers? They all have bunkers. Wow.

Erin

Oh my God. He's making us look like fools, GPC. No, no, no.

00:47:45

Josh

We're doing this together. Yes, yes, yes.

JPC

World War II must have had bunkers as well, though, right? What's that? World War III? It had bunkers too, right? World War III, it's going to have bunkers for sure.

Adal

A center in football. Okay. Pants for a baby. The Addams Family theme song.

Josh

Snaps. Yeah, snaps. We all got snaps. Soft pats on the butt.

JPC

Enough room for a diaper? That's like... That's like the football equivalent of, like, leaving room for the Holy Spirit when you're on the dance floor. Quarterback and sitter always have to leave enough room for a diaper. A diaper's width apart.

Erin

JPC, you're the guy who snaps the ball and you're, like, yelling what play you're about to do. And Josh and Adal, you're kind of confused by what he means.

JPC

Blue, 42. Classic. 42 plus 6. Minus 5. 43. Brass trompones.

00:48:51

Adal

Yep. Oh yes, this is this. Okay.

JPC

Twelve rings. Alright, I think that's... Twelve days of Christmas.

Adal

Twelve days of Christmas. Okay.

JPC

Multiply them.

Adal

Multiply them?

JPC

Minus the first equation for ring days of Christmas.

Adal

Plus nine, plus eight, plus seven, plus six, plus five, plus four, plus three, plus two, plus one.

JPC

Keep in mind where your brackets are.

Josh

Oh. The order of operations is killing me. It's please excuse my dear aunt Sally.

JPC

Order of operations. Everybody shift one to the left.

Josh

Foil for south side.

JPC

Everybody shift one to the right.

Josh

Timeout, timeout, timeout. Timeout.

JPC

God, we're burning timeouts, guys.

Adal

Sorry, I just really got in the weeds there. Was that a slant or a post?

JPC

I don't know. I wasn't done yet. I'm reading the other team. I don't know what it will end up being, okay? Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. We're so in confusion in them, so we can have certainty in ourselves.

Josh

But we have so much... I think we're more confused than they are.

JPC

Good. Use it. You know? Let that, let that be your guide. Right? Oh. Okay. Should I just fucking stop? Should we go back to having the quarterback call the plays? No, no, no, no. We like when you do it.

00:50:02

Erin

You guys, I really would like another shot at it though.

Josh

Shut up. Lose our energy. We will let you get sacked. Shut up. Yeah, shut up Jared. Shut up.

Erin

I get paid the most. I get paid the most on the whole team.

Josh

We hate when you bring that up.

JPC

That doesn't help your case. What do you think? You get paid the most, you should be in charge?

Erin

Yeah, I just thought that I was the smartest. I'm the center. I'm the team.

JPC

I'm the center. The team revolves around me.

Adal

Yeah, it's in the name.

JPC

It's in the name.

Erin

You guys hurt my feelings every game. Every single game.

Josh

Buy yourself some new feelings with all that money, huh?

???

Yeah.

JPC

You don't like it? Spike the ball. Spike the ball in every play you don't like it.

Erin

I'm not gonna spike the ball.

Josh

Okay, then I will. I'm gonna pass it to the ground. Because I'm so sad.

Adal

Hey guys, hey guys, hey guys. Yeah? Hey, let's all just fall down and let him get sacked. We gotta do that.

Erin

It's my birthday if anyone even cares.

JPC

Nobody fucking cares. Okay, let's let him get sacked. Hard. Maybe they'll replace him. Wait a minute, you're cancer?

00:51:08

Erin

Yeah, of course. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside.

Josh

That makes sense why you're feeling this so tough.

Erin

Yeah. Welcome back to

JPC

Oh yeah. I bet there's been at least one quarterback who's like thrown the ball and it's about to be intercepted and he's like, don't. Don't. Oh, don't.

Josh

Come on. My mom's here. Don't. Quit it. That's always so hard, right? Because it's like, with like an artistic performance, everybody's kind of hoping it's good. When you have to do sports, a lot of people hope it's bad for you.

00:52:23

Erin

There's people actively rooting against you.

JPC

Yeah. We were talking about this last night, but the idea of like having a Being good at something like performing or playing football or something like that and then having a game mental block It's like the yips and golf that is so that's so wild to just be like be going from being like, oh, yeah I'm at the top of my game. I'm playing, you know to the top of my skill level to being like, oh I can't do anything anymore

Erin

What's the thing that happens to gymnasts that is really scary? The twisties. Yeah. She had to sit out of the Olympics because it's like you can't, you don't know where you're at in the air. It happens to gymnasts sometimes when they get nervous and it's so dangerous.

Adal

I want to be 100% honest. When Josh said the twisties, I was like, Josh, come on.

Erin

No, that's real.

Adal

That's what it's called.

Erin

But that's so scary because they're flinging their bodies and you could die if you decide to keep going during that.

JPC

That kind of thing is not the kind of thing that you're like, let's just wing it and see if I land. And Abdel is right. They should give it a more serious sounding name. Well, like the thing that when you're a diver and you come up too fast and they call that the bins. I'm also like, come on, can we can we give it like a science name or something, you know?

00:53:37

Erin

The bin sounds like when you're hung over and you try to stand up. That is what the bin should be.

Adal

We got to rename it.

Erin

Unbelievable.

Adal

Not naming after a Radiohead album, please. Let's do another trio here. Okay. A French restaurant. A beauty salon. The Rocky and Bullwinkle show.

Erin

Baguettes.

Adal

Moose and squirrel. Moose! Moose! Moose! They all have moose.

Erin

Wow! Oh, wow. Okay.

JPC

How do you guys feel about Moose? Not the animal, the dessert. Love it.

Erin

I think it's pretty good.

Adal

I'm pro. I do want to see a scene. Erin and Josh, you are famous cartoon duo Baguette and Squirrel.

Erin

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour. Hey Squirrel, how are you?

Josh

Oh, I'm doing great. Nice to see you, Baguette. How you doing?

Erin

Not good. Someone took a bite out of me this morning. I am no longer this world.

00:54:39

Josh

No, Baguette, you've got plenty to offer. You're so crusty, I bet they didn't get far into you at all.

Erin

You know, I didn't catch the guy that did it. But his teeth felt a lot like squirrel teeth. You wouldn't have done something like that to an old friend, would you?

Josh

I would never nibble an old friend.

Adal

Obviously that duo fell apart because Squirrel took a bite, so now we see the new duo, JPC, you enter the fray, and this is five years later, we see Baguette and Costello.

Erin

Who ate me? That took me a second. I was like baguette and castella. Okay. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes.

JPC

Castella is the one you keep there.

Adal

Yeah. Instead of who's on first, it's who ate me? Very good. um i think we keep going with these trios here um how about rocky one two and three okay is that the trio rocky uh rocky balboa yeah actually there's a lot of stuff here Holly, Adrian, Gloves, Rings, Movies, Cinemafilm, Humans, Earth, Oxygen, Did someone say Earth?

00:56:04

JPC

I'm insane.

Josh

Is it Rocky 3 where Pauly gets a robot for Christmas or his birthday?

Erin

I'm gonna be honest with you, I've never seen Rocky 3.

Adal

Watch Rocky 3, and there's a really funny little montage where Pauly, and Pauly's maybe the best part of all the movies, but he gets a robot and there's like this really weird future, like at the time, it probably came out in like 87 or something, and at the time robots were not what they are now. Is there any way that's Rocky 4? It could be 4. It could be 4. It could be 4. With, yes it's yes, with Drago. But there's this moment where the robot goes, happy birthday Pauly, and then there's like futuristic music playing. It's really weird.

JPC

Yeah, it's good, though.

Adal

It's good. Yeah, it is good. Four's the best one. Uh, Rocky 1, 2, and 3. Okay. The U.S. space program, Greek mythology.

???

Hmm.

00:57:06

Adal

Hmm. Rocky 1, 2, and 3, the U.S. space program, Greek mythology.

JPC

Russian antagonists. What's the name of the robot that went to space? Who's on Mars? From ours, Discovery, Challenger. They all have a Challenger. No. Yeah, Rocky 1, 2, 3.

Adal

And what was it? Antiquity? Greek? What is it? Greek mythology. Mythology. U.S. space program, Rocky 1, 2, and 3. And I will say in Rocky 1, 2, and 3, this is one of the top three or four things in Rocky 1, 2, and 3.

JPC

Oh. Complicated. Belts. They have belts. They have belts. No.

Erin

Steps.

00:58:06

JPC

I wish they let you win a race when you get like a half mile away from the finish line.

Adal

They're like, that guy's gonna win. Pack it up. I got to start the race there.

JPC

Now we are here atop Mount Olympus to discuss one of the most pressing problems facing all the gods.

Josh

The big shapeless gowns we wear just don't show off our powerful physiques.

00:59:07

Erin

Zeus, when your gown fell yesterday and we were all laughing, it was more of like a nervous laughter, right guys? Like we weren't laughing at you, it was like a with you thing.

Josh

I just, you know I'm, you know that I want to accentuate the shapeliness of my butt cheeks and that it exists, but I have a pretty flat pancake ass.

JPC

And I want to dig into this. I'm like ready to dig into this. Before we start, does anyone want a little wine and maybe Quick suck and fuck. Not that we can't. Yeah, for sure. Is it worth it? All right, where did I put my harpoon?

Adal

Oh, actually, sorry. Hey, hey, hey gods. Hey gods. I don't want a quick suck and fuck, but hold up a cigarette. If I could get a quick light. If Prometheus could just get a quick light.

Erin

Thank you for announcing your name, Prometheus.

JPC

Lightning.

Erin

Classic Zeus stuff.

JPC

He didn't say what kind of light you wanted, so Zeus made lightning. Oh, you killed Prometheus. You fuckin' smoked his ass. Burnt him to a crisp, damn. When are we gonna get back to what's important?

01:00:18

Josh

My ass. We have to accentuate it, suck it, or fuck it.

Erin

And I'm just saying that you don't need to invent anything just because your pants basically fell down in front of everyone yesterday is all I'm saying.

Josh

Why would I? It's just gonna keep happening. You're gonna keep laughing.

Erin

No, no, no, no, no. And I know like I'm god of death.

Josh

I'm gonna lose the respect of the mortals.

Erin

No, guys, right? Nod with me. No, he's not. He's Zeus. He's like the big one.

Josh

I'm gonna turn into a swan.

JPC

Nobody's gonna wanna ask my swan D. Don't say big one. We all saw what Zeus was working with. I mean... Have you been calling me swan dick behind my back?

Erin

You guys, nobody answer that.

Josh

Somebody answer that. Somebody answer that.

Adal

Old swan dick over here. You mean Zeus?

JPC

Yeah, swan dick. Zeus half transformation being like, oh no. Just the dick. Just the dick. I did swan dick again. Oh, I'll never live this down.

01:01:21

Josh

Now I'm just going to go there and I'm going to look like a guy just fucking a bird.

Adal

Swan dong. This is my swan dong. A bowling ball, standard notebook paper, a pierced nose, three holes? They all have three holes.

Erin

I'll tell you what, that would have got Hillary elected. I'm answering that from now on forever for everything.

Adal

Let's have the two candidates go back and forth and say how many holes they have.

JPC

How many holes they'd be willing to have. Winner takes all.

Adal

Naked swimmers. Okay. Tobacco chewers. Ursa minor. A dip. Yes.

01:02:29

Josh

Great skinny dipping. Big dipper.

Adal

Or little dipper. Yeah. They're all dippers. Dippers. They're all dippers. That's amazing. Very nice job. That's really nice. Old Cadillacs. Helsinki. And a shark. Fins? They all have fins. Wow.

JPC

Old Cadillacs have fins? Can someone explain that one? Kind of like a spoiler, but a fin.

Josh

If I don't get it with my first thought though, I'm never getting there. My brain is a musket. My brain is a musket sounds like a Interpol song. Santa Claus.

Adal

An all-pro defensive lineman and a potato farmer. Sack? Sacks. They all have sacks. God. You gotta imagine Santa Claus would go all pro.

01:03:34

Josh

Yeah. Yeah, he's everywhere. You can't block him.

Adal

Let's do one more. I love that. I love that. Erin, do you love that?

Erin

I do love that.

Adal

I'm ready. Okay. And Josh, you love? Love that. Perfect. Okay. Just want to make sure. This is our last one. A model for rings, a surgeon, all state insurance. A model for rings, a surgeon, all state insurance.

JPC

They all have jingles. What's a surgeon's jingle?

Josh

Cut you open. Cut you open. Cut your life in two. This is my first work.

Erin

That's what I do at work. That's what I do at work.

JPC

There is a surgeon that sings that every time.

Adal

I do want to see a scene. The three of you are surgeons. This is your first time doing an operation as a trio. And Josh is sort of a sort of maybe goth or heavy metal surgeon.

01:04:49

Erin

Congratulations everybody. We are about to embark on the first ever head transplant in the world. Only the finest surgeons are here. And we'll let our neurosurgeon do the first cut whenever you're ready.

JPC

Oh, and just before we begin, I have to double check the race of the donor and the race of the recipient. Yes, this is fine. This will not raise any red flags.

Erin

Good to double check, though. Thank you.

Josh

You want those heads to match.

Erin

Yeah.

Josh

Well, thank you so much for having me here as part of this team. Honored to have you. I gotta tell you, I'm a little rusty. It's been a while since I've done a brain surgery and oh, haha.

JPC

Should we be joking today? He's an expert. Don't do this in front of him.

Erin

Oh, yes. Oh, of course. Yes. Okay. Sorry. I thought you were... Very funny.

JPC

We love that. We love that joke. And we're here for you as you kind of work, you know, your magic.

01:05:54

Josh

All right, I guess, uh, make an incision.

JPC

Start there. Yeah, starting on the neck.

???

Good.

Josh

So we can do music in the room as well because he's under so if you if there's

JPC

Thanks for watching! You did so well with the neck cut. I think you can take it.

Josh

We'll just go the rest of the way? We'll just go the rest of the way? Is this the donor or the recipient?

01:06:57

JPC

I'm really losing track. Damn, maybe we should have made them different races. They are too hard to catch. I'm so sorry.

Josh

I just can't do this. I'm so stupid, but I was like, wait, is the person talking the one whose head I'm cutting off? Or the one who I'm putting it on?

Adal

I love the person's head being like, am I? What's wrong with me that we're getting a new?

JPC

It was a successful head transplant. You get to the end of the procedure. You're like, oh no. We cut his head off and stitched it right back on. Oh my god. Successfully though.

Adal

Well Josh, not only do you do surgeries, but you also do stand-up. Where can we find your new stand-up special? What else you got going on?

Josh

My new stand-up special, thank you for asking, is called Positive Reinforcement. It's on YouTube currently, on Blonde Medicine's YouTube channel, but if you search Positive Reinforcement Josh Gondelman, you'll find it. It's also, there's an audio, there's an album wherever you listen to things that has like a little bonus material that didn't quite fit into the special but is really fun on the album. I write a newsletter every week called That's Marvelous. It's full of like jokes and pep talks and has all my tour dates in it. Excuse me, I just got a website for it. That's www.thatsmarvelousnewsletter.com. I'm at Josh Gondelman on Instagram, Blue Sky, TikTok, Threads now. And what else? My wife has a book out. That's fun. Yeah, Maris Kreisman. It's called I Want to Burn This Place Down. It's a really wonderful essay collection. I'm trying to think if there's anything. I'm on tour. I'm going to the Catskills in Minneapolis. Josh Gondelman. Don't leave this one.

01:09:13

Adal

Yeah, I'm not coming on here to talk about those other folks. Highly, highly recommend Positive Reinforcement on YouTube. It's at the Bell House, which is one of our favorite venues. Yeah, it's just a fantastic special.

JPC

Yeah, we'll be there later this year in November. It's a fantastic venue.

Josh

The best. It's so fun. I think it looks really nice. It's very friendly and pleasant. So if you're a person who stays away from stand-up because it's a lot of like, this fucking guy's shirt. It's very little about that fucking guy's shirt. I can have a different take on his shirt. I think you would really like it.

JPC

Josh, you get to your shirt in your stand-up special early on, you touch on it briefly, and then it's over.

Adal

Erin, anything to plug her remote?

Erin

No, just check out Josh Gondelman's stuff. I'm a huge fan. And also, worth noting, I've been in comedy a long time. Josh, you've got to be probably the nicest person I've ever met. That's too kind of you to say. Who does comedy. I'm not kidding.

Josh

No, that's very sweet.

Erin

And there's a lot of very nice people in it. A lot of nice people. You guys, he's the nicest. Thank you for watching. Adal, anything to promote?

01:10:31

JPC

I am deeply unkind.

Adal

Deeply. Yes, check out Hey Riddle Riddle on tour. We have some upcoming dates. You can check those out at heyriddleriddle.com slash live. Also, Hello from the Magic Tavern is on tour. Check out our dates as well. I want to say hellofromthemagictavern.com slash live, hopefully. I forget all the websites, but check those out. JPC, anything to plug, promote, or review?

JPC

If you're listening to this on the day that it comes out, you can still buy our LA livestream. Just go to our website or the Dynasty Typewriter website. It's available for two weeks after our show, and our show was last weekend. So check that out. And hey, you know what? I'll read a review. I haven't read a review in a while. If you want to get a review featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere you leave reviews. This one's called A Descent into Beautiful Madness by H. Swanson Smith. A friend introduced me to the show in March. I spent two months unable to listen to anything else. My brain turned to mush. I confused people around me by laughing at jokes they couldn't hear. For several weeks, I made the show my shout-out to the four people watching my Twitch stream. I made the mistake of listening in the car with my toddler, which led him to repeating many words. I know it's not a show for kids. I cannot always be a perfect mother. I'm not a perfect mother.

01:11:43

Adal

That was last scene.

JPC

That was last scene. This show might mildly ruin your life. I can't recommend it highly enough. Thank you so much H. Swanson Smith. I think you're doing a great job. Give yourself some grace.

Erin

I love it.

Adal

I'm Adal Rifai. For the very first time. Sounds good. Sounds really good. Erin, take like a late 90s, early 2000s alt song and turn it into Jupiter. Maybe like an Incubus song. We'll wait.

Erin

I'm trying to think of any other song. I can't do it. Jupiter. I'm panicking. Rip curtain.

???

Created by Adal. Hey Riddle Riddle.

01:12:52

JPC

Hey there MGMs and Grands, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. Adal, Erin, and JPC bring you a Vegas heist. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial with a review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

???

That was a hate gum podcast.