Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Okay, Erin, I'm going to say a word and you respond with whatever word comes to mind.

Mm-hmm.

Candy.

Candy.

Book.

Book. Sharp. Sharp.

Okay. JPC, I'm going to say some words. I want you to respond.

I'm going to save you time, man. It's going to be beaver pelt. I'm going to save you time. I'm going to save us all a lot of money. It's going to be beaver pelt.

Okay.

Because that's all I'm thinking about nowadays.

And the results are in. Erin, you are a INFP. JPC, you are a LOL420.

Abomination.

BFF. Lylas. Interesting.

Wow. I think this thing really works.

GPC, I gotta know your personality breakdown. Do you know what your Myers-Briggs?

50% beaver, 50% pelt. There's a sale on beaver pelts and it's happening in a store near you.

Hi, we're Hey Riddle Riddle. We're two normals, whatever this is.

Go to beaverpeltfinder.com. Don't go, wait, hold on, don't go there. Go to beaverpeltfinder.com. Put in your zip code and your address and your cat's birthday. Is that the Buc-ee's theme song?

I think we gotta give you personality quizzes. I wanna know your IQ.

Didn't we do this on a previous show? We did some Patreons, I think, where it was like, which sex in the city are you? Which friends cast me, right?

Which sex in the city are you?

I'm the reboot.

Yeah, of course. I'm the movie.

I'm an N-O-Y-S-B, I believe.

What was it? N-O-Y-S-B?

No, you fucking… None of your fucking business, Erin.

None of your fucking business.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. I know your wife. I have your wife's phone number. Need I remind you?

How do you know that?

Well, I guess Beverly Shoo-ba-doo has her phone number.

Shoo-ba-doo, shoo-ba-doo.

BeaverPeltFinder.com. No. Adal, we're still in person. I'm in the works to sell BeaverPeltFinder.com to Zillow so that you can find beaver pelts while you're finding a home as well. Smart. I think I would double check to see if my home was on there so I know not to buy that home. But I think that's the only thing I would use your website for.

If you ever have clicked accept when a software updates, your home is on beaverpeltfinder.com.

No it hasn't. Yes. No.

I bought all the data for $1. I went to $1Data.com, I typed in BeaverPeltFinder.com into $1Data.com to buy the BeaverPelt Finder website, and now I'm using it.

You touched Mr. Unlocked.

Erin, you've been in LA for a few years. JPC has gone what I call URL crazy. He started a business called GoMommy.com.

Can that be like a play on girl crazy? Like I've gone URL crazy? Thanks for watching. WWCD. It's time to put aside childish things. I'm a woman and I love Carson Daly.

Anyway, since we're in person, you'll be able to hear when I slap JPC right across the face. It won't just be a sound effect that Casey adds in post.

It will not be a sound effect that Casey adds in post. It'll be a real slap. And it'll sound distinctly different from when I slap a brand new beaver pelt.

On the table. If I find out that you're being sponsored by Big Beaver Pelt, I'm gonna freak.

No, these aren't big beaver pelts.

These are modest-sized beaver pelts for modest-sized gentlemen.

Are you sick of being advertised beaver pelts that don't even fit because they're too big because they've come from big dead beavers?

I know a fact about beavers.

Interesting.

I know a fact about their teeth.

Oh.

Their teeth grow 25 feet in a lifetime. But since they're constantly chewing on things that make their teeth go down.

Damn. There's one that doesn't chew anything, but he doesn't want to come out.

No, but he also, everyone's always like that smile. Wow, wow, wow.

He's on stilts. He's always holding open a big book in front of his face and they're like, no, come on.

Hollywood, do you have this beaver's number?

Yeah.

Wow, that's crazy. That's a lot of teeth.

Isn't that crazy?

I know a factoid, which is that beaver, I want to say, anal glands are used in a lot of flavoring. Dr. Pepper, yeah. A lot of beverage flavoring comes from beaver anus.

Don't fuck with me.

I'm gullible. He's not wrong about that.

It's like- That flavor of Gatorade, I believe.

Yeah.

That flavor of Gatorade has beaver anus in it.

You want to see me throw up blood? This is your apartment. You're going to clean up blood all over your apartment, idiot.

If you look at the ingredients on something and it says like natural flavors, like derived from natural flavors, beaver anus is one of those natural flavors.

And this harkens back to Lewis and Clark. Oh God. So when Lewis and Clark were on their sort of expeditions exploring the Louisiana Purchase, one of them accidentally talked to a beaver's asshole and they were like, oh my God.

Back for a second. Imagine being the first guy who's like, hell of an aftertaste, but if we could solve- Then there's lines forming. If we could solve the aftertaste problem- Hurry up, we're all waiting our turn. There's something to it.

Water, sugar, citric acid, salt, calcium lactate, natural flavor, potassium chloride.

Erin, read that again, but as Vincent D'Onofrio from Men in Black.

Oh, I don't know how to do that. Water.

Water. Sugar.

Sugar. Oh, there you go. I'm scared. I don't like that fact.

Being the guy that tastes a beaver's asshole, and it's like tastes like vanilla, and he's like, whoa, everybody, you gotta try beaver asshole. And people are like, no way. Try it, try it, try it. And then they do try it, and they're like, it tastes like asshole. And he's like, huh? And he looks at the beaver he tasted, and he sees it munching on a vanilla root, and he's like, nah. Aw, you tricked me. Come on, man.

The beaver smoking a cigarette?

Yeah. He's like, ah, well... I thought cum tasted like pineapple.

Anyway, okay. It's the second we get- Like the schnozberry.

It tastes like schnozberry.

The second we get back in person, we get fucking disgusting, is what I'm learning now. Yes, Adal.

Previously, you mentioned you were going to slap JPC, and I need to warn you, again, you've been in LA for a few years.

I'll get all the diseases.

You're going to get all the diseases, trust me. And also, he's sort of like a shadow of Colossus, where you slap him and you're like, that didn't do anything. And you slap him again, that didn't do anything. You backhand him, you're like, something's going on. You have to find his weakness. Backhand. You have to kind of poke and prod.

What's your Achilles heel? Oh, you mean like slap? I thought we were talking about slapping me, which is subtle looking ass play.

What's your Achilles heel, JPC? How can we hurt you?

Also, this feels like a trick.

This feels like... This is Huck Finn with the fucking paint in the face.

We set him free, yeah. Where he's like, oh, don't kill my family.

Well, I just got one to do this today, and it's killed my family, but... This is Huck Finn with the paint.

And then we do, someone does that, and he's like, I'm free, and he does the thing where he jumps in the air and kicks his heels together.

Welcome back.

Well, I kind of now I get to do what I like.

Think of all the video games you can play.

Yeah, it would have to, honestly, to not think about the other thing.

I'm almost 100% certain you one time said, I hope my house burns down because then I can just buy all new stuff.

Yeah, that would be nice.

I'm pretty sure you said that once.

Yeah, I'm more sentimental, I would say, about my family than I am about my house.

How much more?

But still to say, I hope my house burns down. So I can buy all new stuff.

I have insurance on all of this. Riddle, huddles, lateral thinking problem.

We are Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey, this is Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a podcast in two acts. In the first act, We do 10 minutes of bullshit and then some riddles. I'm JPC, that's Erin Keif, and that's Adal Shoki Rifai.

Are you guys happy to see me in person? I sort of came in and everyone sort of went, hey.

Erin came in, she said, you just walked from the train, you said, I stink or I smell gross.

I smell.

Okay, you smell. I said you stink or you smell gross. Those were maybe not picture perfect.

Right, no, but I do, but I did stink and I do smell.

And then she immediately went in for a hug. She said, I stink, and then immediately went in for the hug. It was a warning. What's that?

It was like a warning. It's like when you're feeding a child, you go, here comes the airplane. You don't say, here comes the airplane, and then you don't put a spoon near them.

The spoon is not an airplane, spoon is a spoon. Erin also went to give us a hug and said, here comes the airplane. And then she smashed into my larynx.

Yeah, your larynx, not your larynx.

Larynx.

What's up?

Crawling on my hands and knees into my studio and starting the episode.

Yeah, moaning, screaming in agony.

To get up at 8.30 to shower, to put on real clothes, to… I'm sorry we did this to you. I know. Thank you.

I sent Adal a text at about 8.50 and I said, we're trying to be here by 10, we're going to get coffee and stuff for people, and I said, pick you up at 9.20? Riddle Riddle a little

No, I don't believe that at all, but I do think that's how my sisters feel about me. They want me to be the same person I was when I was 11.

Oh, that's sad.

Well, they just assume.

But for you, Erin, 11 was objectively better.

Yeah.

I was very wise.

Erin, three differences between 11-year-old Erin and nowadays Erin.

One. Blonde hair.

One. Yeah, okay.

Way less confidence now.

Two.

And... Math.

I mean, you were... I knew way more math. Was this before you electrocuted yourself and lost your math?

That would have been post.

Never mind.

That was, I think, third grade. It would have been third or fourth grade. I was in the same classroom both those years, so I don't know which one it was.

I don't know if we've asked you this. What's the sound you made when you were electrocuted?

Was it like... It was like... Sounds like you got sucked into the outlet. Probably nothing.

Sounds like there's another error in the outlet world.

I literally felt a pop, guys, in the left part of my brain. It literally felt like a burst, like literally right here. I don't know.

I wonder if you can feel your brain burst.

I didn't think you could. It's a sensation I have not had before or since. It felt like a little pop. It wasn't like right at the top of it. It was like a little ways in.

Yeah.

And that episode was the first episode that Molly's boyfriend Jimmy listened to. And he was like, uh oh.

Did you feel like a trickle, like a gusher got popped in your head or something?

No, I didn't feel any like, there wasn't, other than feeling a little like I had a headache and felt a little woozy, there wasn't any sensation post that, but it literally, that's the only way I can describe it. I felt it go from my finger all the way up my right arm, like neck, and then pop.

And it popped. Do you think that your brain is like a boat where it starts to sink and they're like, Flood Chambers 3, 4, and 5. And they were like going over the non-essential chambers and they're like, we can lose math and boyfriends names. And then we have like, Erin can't do it and she thinks his name is Zorp.

They're like, let's flood cereal jingles. And Erin's like, no, not cereal jingles.

No, no, no, please anything else. Yeah, whatever it took was the most important part. Because I really did feel like my brain, it was different after.

Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle I love doing riddles, it's one of my favorite jobs.

In fact, the central element of these photos- Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting, tingling.

Addle, this man- That's right, it's Billie Holiday. This man is the Slender Man.

He's in all your photos. Uh-huh. Me in the Slender Man, armor on his shoulder.

You went to summer camp with the Slender Man.

With the Slender Man. Yeah, his name's Greg. Solid dude. Is he his hand? He was just Svelte Man, right? He gets a bad rap because he told three kids to go kill somebody with hammers or whatever, but- He's a solid dude.

Yeah.

He never killed nobody with hammers.

He was at your wedding.

He was joking. He was at my wedding.

Santy Claus.

Erin, you're correct. It's Santa Claus, specifically a mall Santa, just because we say nobody knows his name. Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene. Yeah. Adal, you are a mall Santa, and JPC is a kid that has been here at least four or five times this season, and you think enough is enough.

What's up?

So I've been body shaming my dad all day to get him to come back to the mall to buy a new suit.

He pans over to the dad and the dad's looking at his reflection and sort of pulling at his clothes because they all of a sudden feel like they fit wrong.

Because he didn't want to bring me back here to do Santa again, but now I am back here.

Ooh, you're an intense little boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I am. Okay. You're the same guy, right? Santa's always Santa. Smell like Paul Malls and old whiskey.

Paul Malls. You think I smoke Paul Balls? I don't know what you're dealing with. Your dude's pulling in $3.50 a day for mall santing and you think I smoke Paul Malls? $3.50 a day? Oh yeah. And the tail? The moms? Do you know how many single moms want to come sit on Santa's lap?

It pans to a mom and she's adjusting her clothes but sort of in like a confident, I can't wait to see him kind of way.

Hey man, the next two words out of your mouth better be switch to and then for you, Jeffrey. So that's five words, okay? I wanna switch to. Oh, I have two words for you. Get fucked. Oh, I'm gonna get fucked. Oh yeah? Maybe I'll pay Mrs. Claus a visit. Oh yeah?

You think we're together? Well, I don't know. You think I'm with her?

I haven't really learned your mythology.

She doesn't leave the house. She's a hermit.

How could I hurt you?

We haven't slept in the same room in 400 years.

Maybe I go out to the parking lot. Oh? Find one of your reindeer.

Oh? Cook him up and eat him. You're gonna eat and cook a Toyota Tercel? Because that's what I came here on. You think I have reindeer? You just told me to make a model of your car, dumbass. Sold them for meat. Sold the deers for meat. Hold on. Is that a threat? Yeah, it's a threat.

Is that a threat?

If I don't get this... Hey Toby? Toby, ho ho ho. Yeah, what's up? Hey, I got a kid threatening me.

He wants to make a model of my car. Okay, you fucked my mom last night, so I guess you're on your own.

Well, that bonds us, right?

I told you. No, dude. We were getting a beer. You're asking about my car.

Don't tell anyone about that. How old's Toby?

Seventeen.

Well. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

He wasn't sexual. He was just buying me a beer.

Oh, boy. Don't say it's not sexual.

It wasn't. He fucked my mom.

Don't say it's not sexual. I think it's the beer thing. I don't think Toby ... Well.

We don't even ... We shared the same pack of beer.

We were throwing rocks at the mall. I'm ruined.

I'm ruined.

And then he fucked my mom. Oh, I'm ruined.

There's nothing wrong.

It's not weird. He just fucked my mom.

Oh, I'm ruined. Toby, nobody's saying that there's anything wrong with that.

And real quick. A lot of kids ask, I had nothing to do with those Christmastime Kevin Spacey videos. You know when he dressed up like the guy from... You know how every Christmas... Why do you talk about this so much?

I'm saying I didn't.

You talk about it a lot for someone who didn't. I associate with you because you talk about it so much.

Who? Who?

Don't look it up. You gave a kid beer. You pull $3.50 a week. That means in two weeks you can buy me a Switch package. Switch 2. Switch 2.

Well, no, because they're all out of stock.

Get that kid a Switch 2 or I tell everybody about the beer and the mom. That's... I'd have to buy it on, like, Bakari for, like, $6.75.

Steal it, motherfucker.

You drive a nice car.

Santa doesn't steal. I don't know if you know anything about cars, Toby, but that's not a nice car. That's a car they haven't made in 30 years.

Well, because they got it right the first time.

How did my mom fuck you, man? You're a loser.

She's a woman with agency, Toby. I mean, nobody forced her to fuck. Well, don't say that. I say nobody did.

Listen, I'm gonna head out. No, your shift just started.

Lizard.

Hey everyone, hey kids, everyone gets what they want. You can't just say I'm gonna head out. Let's do a big group photo. Let's do a big group one.

All the kids are sort of adjusting their clothes with the group photo.

I've been getting to work on all these motherfuckers in line. I know exactly how.

All the kids are going like this. You didn't want to live in that another 40 minutes, Adal?

I mean, I could have.

17.

Erin's saying 17. Completely fucked, Adal.

Sorry, Adal. It's fake, though. It's fake.

It's fake. Well, you shouldn't have to say that. Please. Ah, boy. Here's our next riddle. Yes, please. A man spills his coffee while working. He is fired on the spot, though nothing was stained and no technology was damaged.

Oh, no technology was damaged. I was going to say NASA.

Welcome back. That's a good guess, but not correct.

Is he a flight attendant and he spilled the coffee on the President of the United States of America? It's Air Force One.

The President of the United States of America.

No, but I do like that. I do want to see that scene. Fuck.

Fuck.

Erin, you are, of course, our 50th president. Great. You are on Air Force One, and JPC, you are a flight attendant working. This is your first time working Air Force One?

So I'm the hawk to a girl?

Yeah. Well, we've already said.

Yeah. No, no, no.

I'll be a different kind of person. And JPC, you're a flight attendant, first day working on Air Force One. Great.

Yeah, I think we should wait till we're back in the Situation Room to talk about that. But if we can, sorry?

Seatbelts. Kidding. Kidding. It's Air Force One. Do what you want. I'm Nick. I'm going to be taking care of you today. Ow, ow, my arm, my arm. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're in the way of the cart. Cart's got all the beverages. Hey, I'm Nick. If this is your first time playing with us, I'm kidding. God, I'm kidding. But seriously though, seatbelts for when we take off and as soon as we get in the air, you can do whatever you want.

Nick, are you wearing a Spice Girls t-shirt? That's not the uniform.

This is a Spice Girls t-shirt. Yes, this was in the lost and found on the plane today because my clothes got sucked into the engine. I was drying them because I had spilled all Hey everyone.

Nick, you smell so much like gasoline and Axe body spray. It is overwhelming.

I think that was on this t-shirt. Actually, Logan, I think this might be one of yours, Mr. Paul. Oh, thank you so much. Madam Secretary. No, I'm... Oh, no. Secretaries can be Ben.

Nick.

Yes, ma'am.

Sounds like you're pretty nervous, and I try to be patient with people when they're new.

Thank you so much, because I'm brand new. This is my first day.

What is your official title here on Air Force One?

I am the Secretary of Defense. in the comments.

Seatbelts. Kidding.

Flight attendant. That's what I am. And I can attend your every need.

I was actually told I had to leave the part of the plane where you can press things that might alter the plane. Because I was in there. What's that? Whatever you need.

I can cockpit ya, I can sockpit ya, I can do whatever you want. I can put the whole pit in my mouth, I can suck it dry.

No, Nick, you can't say this to me. I'm the President of the United States. You can't say this type of thing to me.

Okay. Weak. But I can do it all.

No, no.

And I won't, and again.

Hey, I want you to go talk.

I've been told it's gratis.

Go get ginger ale for the press.

Which means you don't pay for anything on this plane.

I don't, I'm the President.

You want ginger ale?

I don't want anything from you. You want ginger ale.

I want you to go to a different part of the plane. Oh my God, ginger ale. She's on my shirt.

That's ginger spice.

And that's what you'd like. No. So it's like a Christmas candy? Okay, so let me get this right. Logan Paul, you want a Sprite, you want a ginger candy.

We didn't give you an order.

Madam President. And then you both want to pit me, ship me, skip me, double dip me?

You know what? Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. I'm gonna open up the lock here and we're gonna... More?

Seen. More. Seen. More. More.

More.

Seen. Seen. Seen. Seen. Seen. My food is 13 minutes away.

Erin, unbelievably blasé about Phoenix being blown up by France.

Well, I mean, Phoenix is great, France is great.

Everybody forgets that France has nukes, but France has nukes. France has nukes.

Bonjour, bonjour. We have a nuclear bomb.

A man spills his coffee while working. He is fired on the spot, though nothing was stained and no technology was damaged. Nothing was stained. He works at a coffee shop.

We were close about him spilling someone's import. It's someone else's coffee.

No, it's his coffee. But maybe all is not as it seems. He was going to consume this coffee. Yes, he was going to and probably has been, we'll say. He's a coffee doctor.

Oh, he was trying to pretend that he was in space and when the gravity, when the coffee didn't float, they went, he's not in space.

Oh. Excuse me? One small sip for mankind.

You guys, I think we gotta, yeah, we gotta bring back Dead Stop. One big gulp from 7-Eleven.

You guys have been letting me loose for too long. I'm Neil Armstrong for 7-Eleven. A big gulp of coffee. 72 ounces of hot coffee in a plastic cup.

Yeah, they're eating like the 7-Eleven brand candy in like a hot dog.

This is his coffee, he was intending to ingest it.

Yes.

And he's been drinking it.

He's been drinking it, and who knows how long this little ruse has been going on, but we'll say maybe one of his superiors noticed something and then was like, you know, go on.

Is he on the set of a Hollywood movie in continuity?

No, those cups are empty.

Those cups are empty, but he's got coffee in him. What's

Hey Riddle

Okay, Madame President, there's been an attack on Phoenix. The French are invading.

Okay, so we're not telling you which one is which yet, and now do the other version of it.

Madame President.

He's jerking off.

He's drinking coffee.

I hate him.

Oh my god, Erin.

Adal, I hate him.

What if France blew up the band Phoenix? Who are French? Whoa, an attack on their own.

Is that Phoenix?

1901.

That's a good band.

Yeah, I love that. That's a great album. What happened to them? Wolfgang Amadeus Fuchs.

I saw them a couple years ago. Oh yeah, how'd they do it? They're okay. I think they opened for Beck.

Okay, so this is a man, he's spilling his coffee. Erin, what kind of men drink coffee?

But it's not spilling on anything. Was he not supposed to be drinking coffee?

He can drink coffee, but I think you're... He can't drink hot coffee.

He can't drink cold coffee.

He can drink whatever temperature, but there's probably something else going on with his coffee.

The coffee has something in it.

Is it spiked coffee? Yes, yes, yes. It's spiked. There's alcohol in it.

How can you tell?

So he spilled the coffee.

The smell?

Someone could smell the booze and they fired him.

We'll see you next time.

I've had, it's been many years since I've had a drink of the old alcohol, but I've had like, I guess Irish coffee is Bailey's, but I've had like spiked coffee, I'm not sure if there's a way to say, coffee with alcohol in it. Nasty stuff.

I feel like an espresso martini is that.

Houston, this is Calypso 48.

We are orbiting Venus.

We're seeing some anomalies.

Today we're Houston, I can see you. Your eyes are closed. You got one of those airplane pillows on your neck.

I hope not because... What?

I can't say that. Who? Was that for a different craft? This is Calypso 48. Oh no, our landing gear just came out. We are being thrown off.

Oh no, we're being thrown off course. Okay, we're going towards the sun.

Towards the sun.

Please tell my wife, I love her, tell my... Tell Tommy that... He's gonna be a big... Oh no, you talk. Go ahead.

Tell the commies my wife talked...

Tell the commies my wife taught me. Tell the mummy commies. Tell the mummy commies what? Speak! Speak! Tell the mummy commies what?

Speak to us. This is with heavy heart.

Please don't tell my wife mummy commies. Please. This is with heavy heart.

Please.

Tell the American people.

No. My wife.

Tell my wife I love her. Tell my kids.

Nipsa41 was mummy commie tummy mummy.

Oh please.

And they blew up in the sun.

Is this recording? Does this get recorded? Hey Riddle Riddle.

Okay, Calypso49, I'm trying to track you in the location. Seems to be closer to the sun. Hello. So rude. Rude.

That's ridiculous. Do you think we should go back to Chuck E. Cheese's?

I too much think to go to Chuck E. Cheese's with me at a nice time.

And I got the keys.

And I got a little kid puppet because I won't let you in without a puppet as a kid.

Three days later, did my husband have any last words?

Hey Riddle Riddle

What, I'm not going to go to Chuck E. Cheese Bender?

It's the fucking summer and I'm not going to go to Chuck E. Cheese and have a fucking espresso martini?

Well, summers are known for their breaks, so why don't we take a quick summer break? Whoa, school's in session. We'll be right back.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Hey guys, I'm opening a new summer camp and I'm trying to create a website for it. Any advice?

Oh yeah, I would say nude summer camp would probably not be a good call because I just think that... Oh sorry, you said new summer camp. Well, new or old, I think people want to wear clothes at summer camp, Erin.

Adal? Yeah, I think nude works pretty well and if you want to promote it, Erin, I highly recommend Squarespace.

Yes, Erin, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website for your brand, and get paid all in one place. And as far as I know, nope, there are closed requirements.

Oh, but Erin, you can post videos using Squarespace. You can use those little, like, blur out options. I love the blur out options. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase everything you want to showcase. Your expertise, maybe. Engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos. Create stunning video libraries. And even, Erin, monetize your content by adding a paywall. Although, you know, you want them to sort of direct deposit because you don't have pants.

I can't trust you enough. This is a normal summer camp.

Sure, being nude is normal.

Yeah, totally normal. You can fundraise directly on your website and grow your impact with built-in donation tools. Create a professional, on-brand website that makes it easy to accept one-time or recurring contributions and engage supporters. With built-in email campaigns and marketing tools, you can connect with your community and inspire more people to support your cause. Keep your clothes on.

Maybe you could raise money to get clothes for everyone for the summer camp.

You guys are the worst listeners I've ever met.

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And Erin, they have all new .camp still available!

Okay.

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No, no, no, no, no. Guys, give me a second. I, um, I gotta write a love letter to my mattress.

I miss it so much. Erin and mattress sitting in the bed. S-L-E-E-P-I-N-G.

Well, that was elegant. No, I just, I've been in Chicago so long and I miss my Helix mattress. My midnight Lux. Do you think it's thinking about me?

I know I'm thinking about my mattress and I wasn't listening to what you were saying.

Sorry guys, I didn't hear what you were saying. I was thinking about my Midnight Luxe mattress, the most comfortable mattress by Helix Sleep I've ever owned.

Erin, if I were to be able to feel empathy, I would feel empathy for you in that you can't sleep on a Midnight Luxe mattress, which Adal and I both also own and both are sleeping on, and we would invite you to sleep on ours.

But our wives.

Our wives and my cats.

Oh, you still got those? Despite your everything about both of you?

Yeah, everything. Our wives need those spots for their... What do they do? Wive. Wive. They wife all over the mattress.

I had such a bad mattress before my Helix Sleep and I could not believe how much the Helix Sleep improved. Yeah. Like my pain when I woke up and my quality of sleep. I love it so much.

Oh, and I'll say, you know, I'm a bit of a night owl. I have trouble falling asleep, but anytime I crawl into my cool, crisp midnight lux, I fall asleep immediately, have the best night's deep sleep of my life, and all my cats, all four of my cats, sleep on the bed with me. And it's still comfortable. It's big enough and comfortable enough for everybody to partake. And what a joy it is to just have those little rascals around.

Erin, I know you're just venting and you don't necessarily want me to solve this for you, but I will say that Helix Sleep is having a 4th of July sale right now. This is their best of web offer. It's 27% off site-wide and it's exclusive for listeners of Hey Riddle Riddle. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com slash riddle for the 4th of July sale. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle for 27% off site-wide. And make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know that we sent you. That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle.

Erin Keif, I'm Uncle Sleep and I want you to enjoy a Helix Sleep mattress.

Who is this guy?

I'm Uncle Sleep. He's with you? He just said he was Uncle Sleep.

Okay, I'll have a- Pillow for a hat?

Come on.

I love it.

Oh, and we're back, kids, and everything's fine. Everything's okay.

Thanks for the beer, Santa.

No. Root beer, you mean. No. Come to mean root beer.

You handed us a bunch of Bud Light.

No. Mm-hmm.

You said it tastes like piss, but have at it.

I never, oh boy.

And then you fucked our moms.

I, well that, hold on. My mom's 17.

No. What are we doing?

Why would you say that?

In England. In England.

In England. So she's 80. And you're free.

Oh, like stones versus pounds? Something like that, Santa. Well, she was pretty stones when you pounded her.

Oh, no.

Come on. Boo!

Come on.

What are you going to do to that? You going to tell me stones and pounds? I'm lashing out because I'm jealous. Santa's not going to do any more crowd work. But I am going to do some more riddles. Here we go. In the midnight. In the midnight. In the midnight. In the midnight hour?

With a rebel yell.

Thank you.

It kind of does feel like the midnight hour because we're peeked behind the curtain. It's very hot, so we turned all the lights off in the studio, and there's just one single candle on the table.

It feels like a special little occasion.

Erin, why don't you blow out that candle? Make a wish. That's good audio. That's good audio. When was the last time you guys blew out a candle on a cake? Probably my birthday? For your birthday you served a cake on a candle?

I don't think so.

Probably the last time I ruined a kid's birthday. Yeah, for sure.

She had a pack of singles or she had like a big red four and a big red… Yeah, yeah.

Hoping that all of her friends are turning 40. When I went through a breakup, she was like, we should celebrate. And then she popped out the candles. That's pretty cool.

That's nice, man.

It was a lovely thing. And like I kept the candle and I was like, this is actually quite lovely. This should be a thing that humans do.

Yeah, I like that. I haven't blown out candles. Well, that's not true. My grandma had a 90th birthday party that I recently went to and I… 90 candles? It was a fucking lot, and I said, this better be your last one. Did her hair catch on fire? No, I think it was like a nine and a zero. They thought about doing the 90 candles thing, but of course, it's just too much. Top layer cake would be wax. I helped blow them out, and I was like, this is fun. Why don't I do this? First of all, I eat cake. It's not like my ass ain't eating cake.

For your birthday this year, you're turning 37? God, I hope so. I'm

And Jim was like, no, the menorah. I thought this was... In the midnight. A man suddenly clapped himself on the face, then got up and crazily clapped his hands until he got blood on his palm. Then he went back to sleep. What's going on?

He's killing a mosquito.

A vampire. He's killing tiny vampires.

I'd like to see a scene.

Yes.

Adal, you are a guy in the summer who has slept with his window open and JPC, you're a mosquito and he goes to kill you and you're offended and don't understand why he would do that to you.

What is that? What is it?

Ah, here we go.

Give a little... I'm sorry. Who is that? Excuse you? Is that the mosquito talking? It's the mosquito talking. What the f... Yes, the mosquito talking. Were you just about to kill me? Uh... Oh, so you're a murderer. No. No. I just walked into a house of a murderer. No. Well, you flew into a house. I walked. Oh. I flew up to the window.

When I walked to cross the threshold. I thought you were going to bite me. Don't you guys bite?

I was... Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. I was going to bite you. Take a little bit of your blood. Because I needed to survive. You were going to keep all of your blood. But I guess what you were going to do was... murder me for that? So my life would end. No, I... Your life would be mildly inconvenienced. No, no, no. Okay. No. Are you sure? Well, hold on. I'm not the bad guy here. This is my house. You broke into my house. Oh, did I break in or do we have different conceptions of what personal property is? Because mosquitoes are communal people. Oh, what's communal people? Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take a little bit of your blood to live, but I'm sure you don't do that to anyone else.

You don't eat chicken or beef or pork or... Honey, what do you mean you're going to go live with mosquitoes because they have it all figured out?

I shaved my head, I sold all our possessions, and I'm going to go live with the mosquitoes.

Honey, I... Babe, I'm telling you. Did you smoke that weed again? The weed that got left in the hot, hot car and kind of turned? Yeah.

I think it makes it more powerful, more potent.

No, you're not going to go live with mosquitoes on a commune somewhere. That's a crazy thing to say.

Honey, I've seen the way. We need to be bloodless. We hoard our blood. Don't you understand? So much of nature needs our blood.

Okay then go. Just go then. That's fine. Go.

Will you come with me and like we'll get weird names like Toucan and... No, I'm actually with someone. What?

He's here.

What the fuck? Hey, I mean if you weren't gonna use the house I was gonna come in here and use the house. You're gonna live... The Mosquitoes, which is objectively better.

You swayed me to come look at you. He's actually just got hired at your law firm, if you can believe it.

Can you pass the pork fried rice? I'd love a little more pork fried rice. Taylor Johnson and Mosquitoes?

Hey, we're trying to eat dinner. So if you could just pack and go.

Yeah, we're trying to eat dinner. Wait, those are our wedding dishes. I thought I sold everything.

They're there for a special occasion.

Yeah, you sold them online and I bought them at a good price.

He bought everything. Look around the house. It looks the same as it did. He bought everything.

Do you? Do you have a penis? Wow.

Fuck whatever that was about to be.

Yeah. You tell me. Hey Bob Dylan, write a song about that.

Us being in person is making me go, are we at the beginning of an episode, the end of an episode, or in the middle of an episode? I can't tell. My internal clock is all off.

Here's another riddle. Great. There is a beloved Italian restaurant. Erin, give us one of your famous Italian impressions.

A beer. A beer, a beer. That's not good. That's not good. I'm going to get canceled.

Canceled?

A spaghetti. A spaghetti.

How dare you do that? That's my people's voice. Oh no.

A spaghetti.

I can say it. I got an Italian dog. There's a beloved Italian restaurant with excellent reviews. Okay. However, one day, a lot of people dining at this restaurant became sick, although all the meals were in order and prepared as usual. Were in order.

What happened? Carbon monoxide poisoning.

Oh.

This is World War II.

Carbon monoxide.

Carbon monoxide.

This is World War Two. The meals were at the restaurants belonging to one Mussolini.

This was COVID.

Wow, Erin, that's a- It wasn't one of the first place where it really popped was Italy. Yeah. It was like Italy, New York City, China.

Wuhan.

Wuhan, Italy. Wuhan and Milan. Yeah, Mulan. Okay, so all the orders are made to order. What was the additional information?

Is an Italian restaurant an important part of this?

Not necessarily. It doesn't really matter. Everybody got sick? Not everyone, it says a lot of people. And you were, the COVID response was along the right lines.

Yeah, everyone gets like a cold from each other. One of the waiters had a cold and came into work anyway.

Was this 20, I want to say 2011 when everyone was like, I'm gluten intolerant.

Yeah, that's it. The answer is it was that year where everyone was like, I'm suddenly gluten intolerant, but there's no such thing as gluten intolerance. Erin's staring daggers at me. It's celiac. It's celiac.

I did get my autoimmune thing under control and now I do eat bread from time to time.

Whoa. How is that?

It's crazy. It does make me feel like sick, but the same way like every food makes me sick, you know?

Yeah, but like I think bread kind of does make everyone sick. I just don't think we were ever meant to eat as much bread as we eat, you know?

And it's a catch-22 because my autoimmune stuff is going to come back if I eat too much bread or do too much gluten. So I have to, it has to be like a once in a while special occasion thing.

Rolls aren't bread, right?

They're bread.

Rolls?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

No. We're doing something differently.

That must be wrong. There's a beloved Italian restaurant with excellent reviews.

Oh wait, wait. Just give us a hint.

This restaurant is in a, is in not an unusual place, but in a hyper specific place. Times Square. Times Square. Not Times Square. Airports closer.

Like an airport.

Bus station. Train stations closer to keep thinking about transportation. It's an Italian restaurant on a- A cruise ship.

They are seasick.

It's on a cruise ship. They're all seasick.

Okay. Well, this is a solo character that I want to see everybody do, and it's seasick Italian waiter.

Okay. Erin, do you want to start?

And Casey, you have to do it as well.

Casey, you don't have to do it. Erin, you start. You start.

He doesn't have a mic. Yeah, but he'll do it like one word from far away.

Okay. You start, Erin.

Oh, no. You start. No, no, Erin. I must insist you start. Adal, you start. I'll break the tie.

Erin, you start.

JPC, you start.

Erin, the floor is yours. Seasick Italian waiter.

Okay. We have a few specials. We have a linguine. Sorry, we have a linguine. A linguine. And a nice minestrone. A nice minestrone. And for dessert, we have a masticola. Wait, why is masticola a dessert? Perfect.

He did a perfect job.

That was good.

Can I, uh, it started a while ago, it's number one.

One. One. One.

And again, this is Italian waiters in Mario karts hitting a banana peel.

Yeah. That's what I said. That's what I fucking said.

Okay. I'm so happy I called in sick for work so I don't have to go to work sick and get anyone else sick. Okay. What's on TV? Oh, pornography.

Why are you seasick in your apartment?

What's that?

Nothing.

Pornography talking back to me? I don't hate it. I don't hate it.

Now to, hold on. I love porn. Porn myself another cup of coffee.

In case he just one word from you, anything.

Porn myself another cup of Masticholi.

What is Masticholi?

Wait a minute. Can you drink a Masticholi?

And guys, in case he has the floor.

My guy had to come in for JPC who called off. This is a spinoff impression. Yeah. Okay.

That was my one word. I thought he was going to lose the Eddie on spaghetti because he threw up, but he got it.

He got it.

He got it.

He finished it. And the Italian Oscar goes to Casey Toney. Roberta Bellini's crying in his seat. For barfing Bellini. Roberta Bellini stands on the seats. A boo-hoo. Well, we got that one. Yeah. Okay. Wait, what? Oh, yes, we did. It was seasick on a cruise. Did either of you guys get seasick on the JoCo?

No, the first year I did. Oh, I got a little seasick. No, I got seasick this time. Okay. Yeah, I did get seasick.

I always thought I might, but I never did, which was nice.

On the Hey Riddle Riddle live show day, I was so seasick.

Yeah, I

I have to go. It hit me so hard.

We played Essences and that was so fun. We haven't played that on Hey Riddle Riddle. That would be so fun. Casey, you would have to be on the episode. It really only works with four plus people. JPC would find a way to really curse the game, but I feel like that's just part of the ecosystem around here.

Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her sides and cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera. She's an animal. No one is alarmed and Laura is happy in the morning. Why? She's a bobcat in a sack. Penguin. She's a bobcat in a sack. Not a penguin. Is she an animal? She's not an animal. Here's your animals. Speaking of penguins.

I know. Should I meet one while I'm here?

Do you have free dates?

Yeah, I'll give you my free date.

Is she in a sleep study? Real quick, Erin, I was going to text you about it, but I had also texted you last week and you never responded. I feel like I got it.

Oh, because I'm trying to figure out if I can do that thing you asked me to do. I still don't know if I can do it. I'm still waiting and hearing back about a timing thing.

So is Adam. Adam's also still waiting to hear back. In fact, he's heard nothing.

You cannot gang up against me. You two don't like each other the same amount as you don't like me. Be honest. So, you guys being a team in any sort of way makes no fucking sense. But if it is equal... There are no loyalties at this table.

But sure, but so why can't we switch sides?

Fine, we all like Casey.

I'm a like not love on Casey. Oh yeah, I said like. Or, you know what, actually I think on all four of you, myself included, I'm a love not like.

I'm a love not like on everybody at this table. No, Casey, I also like you. I think I would hang out with you outside of this. I'd drive you insane though, and I don't love that.

Yeah, I think that she would also hang out with you outside of this, Casey, in a world where you could hang out with someone who doesn't answer text messages. Like, what would that world be?

Say more interesting stuff on the text.

You show up at Erin's, and Erin's like, we're hanging out now. And you're like, okay, I just didn't, I never thought, I didn't know that you would.

Be wilder. I'm fine.

You want me to send you some wild text, Erin? No. Uh-oh. Okay. Uh-oh.

Erin, Erin, Erin wrote a check her body can't cash.

They call me Gene in the group chat, because I'm fucking wilder in there.

Throws my phone like a frisbee.

Erin, let's just have a moment of silence for Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. R.I.P. Erin. R.I.P.

R.I.P. One of the greats, Erin.

Gone too soon. Cancer.

Erin, cancer.

He was great.

He was great.

He was great on Will and Grace. Did you know he was on Will and Grace?

Yes. Dated Kilda Rattner. Married? Married to Kilda Rattner. Yeah, they were married.

That's a really cute couple. Whoa, do you think that they got married before they dated? Arranged marriage? What if it was an arranged marriage? She was dating Martin Short and he married her.

What are you guys gonna arrange marry me? What's my dowry?

We'll let the guy kick the shit out of both of us.

No, you pay him. Oh yeah. I guess someone would want to do that.

Your dowry was two rack of ribs, a Claire's Boutique gift card. Raccoon ribs. I'm not paying for top shelf ribs. This is going to be raccoon ribs. They didn't specify. Raccoon ribs and a Claire's Boutique gift card.

$50.

I can go outside right now and in 15 minutes I'll have two racks of ribs.

So a teen can pierce your ears? Yes.

That's the only person I would trust with something like that. That's the only person I trust with needles. Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her side.

Sleep study.

No. She cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera. No one is alarmed. Not an animal. And Laura is happy in the morning. Sleep steady. Why?

Oh, is she an actor? Is this like a movie that they're doing? They're doing Day for Night on a movie set?

This is behind the scenes Saw 5. Not an animal, but animal-like. Do you think they joke around on the Saw set?

What'd you say? Do you think they joke around on the Saw set? No. I don't think you have to. You do?

For levity?

You think they call cut and someone's like, oh, that just happened? Nah, that's not really a joke, is it?

Yeah, everyone always says shooting a horror movie doesn't feel scary, is what people say.

Is that what they say?

Yeah.

That's good because it shouldn't, right?

But you want the fear from the actors, right?

I don't like horror movies. I think Cary Elwes set the tone for the first one. Yeah. And he's so charming. He's just so charming. Erin, one to ten, Cary Elwes.

Ten. Yeah.

What about Mandy Patinkin?

A thousand.

What about Andre the Giant? A thousand. What about Wallace Shawn?

Two. Two on Wallace Shawn? No, that was just, that was me trying to be funny.

It was inconceivable. Inconsiderate.

Inconsiderate. Inconsiderate. Since that Patreon episode where we talked about fuck, marry, kill, TV shows, movies, and video games, I've had that conversation with literally everybody in my life. And I have really been emphasizing that I think you can't, video games is a whole other thing, but I think movies, where they're at right now, is what happened to book in theaters when movies came out. I think movies, I think your golden era is behind you for right now. I think you're a great medium for storytelling, but I think we're in the golden era of television as like a paintbrush and a medium. But then I remember Princess Bride exists, and then I go, well fuck me, there's no TV show that's as good as Princess Bride.

I think the golden era of movies ended somewhere in like the mid-80s. I think that's when movies ended. But I think that for a while, and I'll take TV off the table, the era of prestige TV I think has come to an end.

I think it's about, I think we're cusping.

I think Andor was the last of the prestige.

Severance.

Fargo.

Fargo, Severance.

Is Fargo still happening?

Maybe.

Hey everyone.

I think we are in the age of TV slop. I think there's going to be so much TV slop, but I don't think you're going to get very many big group shots with lots of extras in them. I think that thing in Andor Season 2 was the last of it. I can be wrong, and I think that there's a tail end where it's a slow trickle, but I think the era of prestige TV is behind us, and I think that we are entering into the golden age of

Hey Riddle Riddle. Video games have been really booming and become great storytellers, but I think like how you love theater. What's the theater where you're? Immersive theater. I think that like stories that you are folded into are going to be the next big thing like VR or also live experiences of that. I think that that is going to be the next

Erin, I think you're right because movie stars were movie stars and then came the era of Sopranos and well maybe not Sopranos but when they started getting like Welcome to Uh, you know, Al Pacino is the voice of like some, of like Mario in a new Mario game.

Yeah, that you like experience. Yes.

Al Pacino, the voice, Al Pacino, 91-year-old Al Pacino. Yahoo!

I'm a gonna win. Luigi! Luigi's got a great ass!

Well, that's got legs.

I go to save that princess. Is that a warp whistle? Erin, do Al Pacino saying warp whistle. Is that a warp whistle?

Hoorah!

Koopa! Koopa! Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her sides and cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera.

Oh, she's a fucking baby.

Erin, she's a fucking... She's a fucking baby.

Santa, not now.

Swaddled. They call that swaddled now of days. Laura is a baby who is swaddled. Her mother is watching her on a baby monitor. She cries out a few times during the night. She goes back to sleep all is well.

Being swaddled does seem quite nice. Every time I've swallowed a baby.

Swallowed?

Every time I've eaten a baby. I unhinge my jaw.

Okay, Cronos, what's going on over here?

Every time I've swaddled one, I've gone, well, that looks really relaxing. Yeah. Just to be like.

Just to remind me of being in the womb. I should get a sleep sack.

A sleeping bag, you mean?

Oh my god. Is that what I mean?

For some people, well, they help with the anxiety. They're good for some types of anxiety because they can be this constant pressure on you. For me, unfortunately, I run so hot that I'm always kicking shit off of me in the night. In a well-awaited blanket stops that. I can't kick it off of me. I do wake up kind of in a puddle of my own.

I'm just like struggling against my bonds all night. And I bench press in bed so that when I get tired I just fall asleep and I have the weight of the bar on me.

Yeah.

$999.

$1000. Counting reps. Yeah. And Jim was like, you started counting at $998? No.

I was going to say he's counting backwards. Yeah. From a thousand.

No. And it's just the bar.

Yeah.

OK.

A baby named Laura? Come on. Come on.

Laura is an accountant or a real estate agent and nothing else. We're meeting up with my real estate agent, Laura, later.

She's actually a complicated, complex person.

Yes, of course. She has a full life. She's great. She's also my real estate agent.

Good. Good. You're meeting with her here?

No, I'm doing a bit. This is a joke from Erin. I cannot afford a house.

Erin.

I'll never have a house.

What's the funny part about the joke? Is the joke that you can never afford a house?

I guess that's part of it. It's quite funny. No, Laura, I just think sounds like a real estate agent name.

Yeah.

Thanks for watching.

And I'm here to get you a new house. Biggest hair in real estate. One of my favorite bits of all time was from, did you watch What We Do in the Shadows, the TV show?

Yes, of course.

When they're interviewing Nandor, and they're like, what's your last name? And he goes, DeLorentis. And they go, I'm here with Nandor DeLorentis. And I'm like, that is amazing. It's a great joke. And it's like season four or something, where I'm like, someone sat on that for four years.

I know. It's so funny when a name joke comes in like four seasons in, you're like, God. Oh, it was right there.

Did that just come to you one day? Holy shit. John, different John, John goes to the same woman every day for advice. He trusts her implicitly and always follows her directions.

Magic 8-Ball.

Uh, Grok. It is Grok. Lady Grok. Grok has become woke though. Yeah, Grok is woke. Boo. But John has no intention of ever meeting her, and he never asks her about herself. What's stopping him from developing a more meaningful relationship with her?

Because she's a psychic, because she's a ghost, because she is a tarot deck.

Erin, this is basically a psychic ghost. That is, you're not far off.

She's one of those like- She's a Ouija board.

Those machines at the mall that you put the quarter in and she's like... She's a ghost, she's a psychic, she's... What machines?

She's a Zortan.

She's crystals. She's crystals. She's crystals. You're right that she's not a real person, but this is... Let me go back to a certain line. Okay. John goes to the same woman every day for advice. He trusts her implicitly and always follows her directions.

Oh, she's, um... Paula Deen's cookbook. Uh, like Siri or like... 10-6 about her. That can't be right. Like the one being like, turn left on... Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Erin, what's that called? Google map voice.

Siri. Alexa. Personal assistant.

GPS. GPS. GPS. Which stands for Gina... Personal... Service. S.

Um, why is the default robot voice ladies? What's the psychology behind that?

The movie Her.

Is it like, yeah, is it people like men not like wanting another guy to tell them what to do?

I probably. Yeah, probably. There's probably some studies of like when a guy is like, turn left, it's like, no, I don't think so.

Yeah.

I got it. But if a woman says it, you're like, okay, milady.

Yeah. He's cute, probably.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are driving, you're in a new town. Great. And JPC, you are the GPS and you're trying to help her out.

Go type in ice cream shop. Here we go.

I've never been here.

Oh, okay.

I don't know how to get to the ice cream shop. I've never been here.

I'm not from here.

Oh, I, okay.

I'm from the town you're from.

This is strange. This must be just like, let me check my settings on location. No, it's updated. So it knows that we're in Cincinnati. Okay. Um, yeah, just find it on a map and then let me know where to go.

I don't need a map. I know where I'm going. Oh my God. I know where I'm going. I don't need a map.

No, I mean, sure, maybe you just said that you are from the same place I'm from. You've never been here before. The city's on a grid. Yeah, but we've never been here before, right?

But the city's on a grid. So, I know where I'm going.

GPS? GPS.

Let's just drive. I'll find it.

The last time you did this, I ended up literally in a lake. And then you said, if I was a better driver, this would have never happened.

Women drivers. Mark, there you are. I've been trying to get a hold of you. Your son wants to talk to you. Oh boy. Mark? You need to see your son. Hold on, Gina. Let me deal with this.

Okay. No, go with her.

Well, we don't... I'll find my own... We don't have to go anywhere because we're computer.

Alright, I'm gonna just sort of Google how to get there and then write down the instructions.

Don't use Google. We'll answer. Yeah, we'll answer. I know Google. Okay, how do you get... I can get it faster than Google.

...to Cincinnati's Ice Cream Shop? Just keep going. Practice.

That's a good joke. No, I'm going to get directions. What do you mean? What do you mean?

I didn't quite hear that. No, no. That's not an ice cream store.

That's an elementary school.

They have ice cream. If it's kids there, they'll have ice cream.

No, I got this on my own.

Let me talk to the guy. Let me talk to the guy.

No.

Let me talk to the guy.

No, no.

Lower your window.

Fine. Hey, what's going on?

You have ice cream?

Is there ice cream inside? We have for the kids. We need to buy some ice cream. Well, if you just go down 48 and take a look.

Hey, we don't want directions.

Yes, we do. Where do I go?

Just down here, take a left on 48. Hey, keep your eyes on me, pal. We're having a conversation.

Who am I looking at? Give him money. Just hand him $20 from your purse.

My ex-husband got electrocuted and put into this car.

Got electrocuted.

I'm not saying it right. I'm going to go help the kids. Yeah, you should.

She drew a sexy picture on a wall outlet and then went out of town for a weekend.

I got- He fucked the wall! Speed's up. I have been reading- Trapped. This is a little dark and sad, but something to think about. You know how all the documentaries about the Stockton Rush- is that his name? The guy who blew up the- was in the Submersible?

Oh, I guess the Burner?

Yeah. The amount of times people have died because men are so arrogant about their own intelligence is wild. Like, where women have been like, I think this is too steep of a cliff, and they're like, shut up, I'm brilliant. And then the woman dies too. That happens so much. It's crazy. This is what I'm saying, that when you suggest stuff sometimes, guys, I should probably be pushing back on it.

I hope that when I die, James Cameron comes out and is like, I knew that guy was gonna fucking die. That would be the best. I would love if that got published. Just a throwaway from Jim Cameron.

Is that what James Cameron did?

Yeah. He was like, I should have said something because I knew that guy was fucking going to die.

Yeah. I think he even cautioned him against going down.

I don't think he did. Oh, did he not? I knew it.

Yeah. Because he's a big submersible guy. He's a huge submersible guy. And I think he's worked to make some of the technology that makes that stuff happen. Like, I'm not saying he's in a lot of tinkering, but he's financed it and shit like that too.

In those documentaries, and who knows if this is true, but one of the guy, the guy who did it, the billionaire, his best friend said that he kind of had a death wish to die down there. Like, he was kind of hoping he would. He, like, loved the lore of the Titanic and really romanticized it.

Sure.

And, like, called it the Titan Submersible. Like, he kind of wanted to be folded into the story.

Hey, and he was folded in. Erin?

It's funny to say that about him, but maybe not the other people who were in there.

Yeah, there was like a 17-year-old boy in there that didn't want to be there.

Yeah, that's where we were all going to have a lot of fun until that happened. Yeah, until that happened.

And it was not fun at all. Kind of fun to say that that guy got folded in, but pretty harder to think about how much fun it is to think about another guy.

Anyways, add a Riddle. Or how about we even do plugs or whatever? Yeah.

Would we say that guy's now like Moana's grandma or whatever?

Hers was a little bit more spiritual. Her return to the ocean.

My ass is in Miwata and I see like the, what's the animal that the grandma becomes?

A manta ray.

A manta ray underneath my butt. I just see like a folded up man.

Remember the first time you saw that? You cried so hard. He appears. Not the folded up man thing.

Stuxnet Rush appears on my butt and I'm like. He's like, am I beautiful? I'm so proud of you. Just like an Italian waiter. Erin, anything to plug or promote?

Oh, oh, no, no, no, I'm okay.

Okay.

Oh, follow Quality Time.

That's fun to do.

A variety show I host in Los Angeles. I love it. I'm really proud of it. So if you want to check it out, it's on Instagram.

Hell yeah. I'm going to plug and promote the Hey Riddle Riddle tour. Go to HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash live. Check out whatever cities and dates we're going to if there's tickets left. And also the Hello from the Magic Tavern tour. Just Google Hello from the Magic Tavern live, I guess. I forget what our website is, but go there and check out some dates. JPC, anything to plug or promote? Hey, this is JPC cutting in from the future.

Piggybacking on what Adal said, Portland, Oregon, Saturday, July 26th, and Seattle, Washington, Sunday, July 27th, there are still a few tickets left. We just released some more tickets for those shows, so get them while they're hot, because they're going fast. And then our show in Los Angeles on Friday, August 1st, still some tickets left for that, plus our live stream. And I just heard from the venue, the live stream tickets will be available up to two weeks after the show ends, and you will have that long to watch the live stream. So if you buy the live stream, you can watch it for two weeks or if like a week after the show you say hey i want to see that live stream you can still get it for two weeks after friday august 1st but the live tickets they're only for that night all right now to you jpc Saturday nights at IO, World News Tonight. You can come and see that show every Saturday. I'm there some Saturdays, not every Saturday, but I'm there some Saturdays. Or you can follow us on Instagram to see the cast lists that we post the week of the show. And I think that's it. Erin, I know you're probably going to say no, but I've recently come into a little bit of money, $1 billion, and I am building a rocket ship. I'm going to use a GameCube controller to pilot the rocket ship. And it doesn't matter what planet we go to, I'm not picky about that. Jupiter. Great!

I thought for sure he was going to say, I came into money, I got kicked out of the bank. I can't go back to that bank. Something like that.

Does that make sense to him? Oh my god.

I came into some money, I can never go back.

In case you cut out the music right here and let's all just sort of sit in the silence before he comes back in. Alright, you can do that. Great. What did you say about coming into money? Nothing.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey there, crowds and pleasers. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Public Access TV. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.