Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hey so um so look like I know like it's like not couth or like uncouth or like not cool to like kind of beg but like I really want to be pope so like it when if like when they vote for pope like next vote could you guys like vote for me or um no no no no no no it's no no it's it's cool it was a joke Oh, yeah, I was- Why are you crying then, man? Oh, you guys thought I was serious about wanting to be Pope?

Looks like you went to Party City and bought a Pope outfit. Seems like you really had your heart set.

Yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, I mean, no, yeah, no, yeah. Who do you guys think should be Pope?

I think whoever wants it least. I think anyone who doesn't ask for it. We want sort of like a nope Pope, right? Like someone who doesn't want it. Jordan Peele?

I think he might kind of want it. Who would be a better Pope? Keegan-Michael Key or Jordan Peele?

This is unfair. It's unfair to pit them against each other. They work so well as a team.

Alright, well then they give double Pope!

The first black Pope is two black Popes.

And they're hilarious. Oh, they would do so many funny Pope sketches.

Oh, Blope. Blope would be one of them.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Of course, Black Pope.

A little on the nose to follow up Nope with Bloop.

Well, I just know sure as shit it's not gonna be you, man.

Hold on. I want to exit this bit for a second. If Stuart Peele's next movie was called Bloop, and it was about Black Pope, I think people would be like, wait, what's going on?

I actually think that would be an interesting fodder for a movie for him. I would love to see him go into, like, A religious horror movie theme.

I just don't think it could be called bloat.

I think it could. I think the blaxploitation movement is due for a return.

What was that movie? Black Klansman from a few years ago. I felt like that was like, they were like, hey, we're going to bring it back. And then people were like, eh, I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Why you'd make a terrible pope.

Oh boy. Well, this is the show Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm JPC, that's Adal, and that's Erin over there. And Erin, this is a show about riddles, obviously it's a show about puzzles, it's improv, and Erin is about to tell me, JPC, why I would make a terrible pope.

Well, I mean, as soon as I said that, the list got longer and longer in my head, but I would like to focus on, you know how the Pope can talk to God directly? Allegedly.

Allegedly.

I think it's not good for the Pope to be able to talk to the devil directly, which is what you have access to.

So interesting. Yeah, that would be hard to justify as the Pope.

You'd be, I want to say, EPOP? What's Pope backwards?

EPOP? EPOP!

EPOP!

None of us could ever know for sure at all. We'll never know.

Let me have ChatGBT take a stab at it.

Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. Is it obvious to you at all that I watched Conclave this weekend?

Uh, no.

Okay.

It's obvious to me that you heard someone talk about Conclave at least.

Have you guys watched Conclave?

Mm-hmm.

I have not. Okay. Adal, what'd you think?

Um, I thought it was very good. Uh, I kind of, I didn't see the ending coming fully in terms of like, there's a reveal where I was like, whoa, I didn't see that coming, but I did see... Stanley Tucci makes everyone pasta? John Lithgow is his 3rd Rock from the Suns character.

That, I wish fucking people were brave enough to make choices like that. I'm so sick and tired of movies these days. People are not, people are cowards.

We need more crossovers.

Speaking of people being cowards, okay, so Erin, not a spoiler for Conclave, but one of the things in Conclave is that like they're, everyone's trying to like, you know, bid to be Pope. Some people want it, some people don't. But I think something that Stanley Tucci says is he's like, every cardinal Deep down has already picked their name like if they were to become Pope you get to pick a Pope name and I was like I always thought that Pope names you had like a list of names that could be your Pope name But apparently it's not it's it's anything you can just any name can be a Pope name You just pick a new name something that like means something to you or whatever It's like individual to the Pope but Pope Francis the last Pope the one that just died He was the first Francis and the new guy Leo. He's Leo the 14th Yeah, why would you pick a 14? Yeah, and some people say it like signals to like the last Leo and he was this way and he's like, you know, he wants to like this is my Pope politics and I'm calling back to a yadda yadda yadda. But yeah, if you could pick an original name, why wouldn't you be like the only Pope who's ever been Francis?

I'm picking one of your names. I'm Pope John Patrick Coan.

Oh, I thought one of my names, you meant one of my character names. I thought you're gonna be like Pope Little Monkey Bones.

Uh, no, I'll leave Pope Lil' Monkey Bones to the devil's work.

I would love it if a pope was like, you know what? I'm gonna be Pope Barack Obama the first. That would be awesome. And like Barack Obama's like, wah! Aren't I Barack Obama? And they're like, no, this one is. You weren't Pope, sorry. And I'm the first.

I feel like a casual, like Pope Chuck or something. I feel like it would be fun.

And Leo, who is, we all made hay of this, is like a Chicago Pope. That's like perfect for like Pope Chuck. I guess Chuck's not really like a Chicago name.

And Adal, I'm so excited for a casual Pope coming to CBS this fall.

Yes, we're very excited. Speaking of 3rd Rock of the Sun, French Stuart is going to be the actual Pope.

And Pope has a nagging wife.

French Stuart is playing Italian Stuart on the show, so he's going to be doing the hands and the fingers.

And it's set in Queens? Where is it set?

Have we had a French Stuart? That might be the first French Stuart.

I think so.

Pope French Stuart I. Yeah. Because Stuart Little is a mouse. First of his name.

Okay, did we even see if Stuart Little was available to be the Pope? Or is he dead?

Is there a Stuart Big? The existence of a Stuart Little belies the existence of a Stuart Big.

There simply must be a Stuart Big.

Stuart Little is dead, Erin, but he was sainted. So within Catholicism, it is Saint Stuart Little.

Well, what do I pray to him for?

Let's see. He is patron saint of tiny little red cars. Driving tiny little red cars. What else do we know about him? Who voiced Stuart Little? That's literally it.

That's literally all we know about him. Okay, that's a funny, that is a very niche sketch idea that you, all you young people pursuing comedy out there, you're 24 and you're thinking of a sketch idea. You're with your friends. You rent a car. This is the sketch. You're with your friends. You rent a car. It's a tiny little red car. You're not feeling so safe. And someone's like, well, we should pray. And then they pray to Stuart Little.

If you're 24 and you know who Stuart Little is, something's gone deeply wrong in your upbringing, I would say.

That's part of the Zeitgeist still, right?

I can't believe Prince wrote that song about Stuart Little. Oh, Raspberry Beret?

Yeah, it wasn't Little Red Corvette, it was Raspberry Beret. So stupid. Alright, hey, you guys, we gotta do it. You wanna do some riddles today?

No. I'll humor some, like a dessert menu when I'm full, I'll humor it.

Yeah, well, we'll at least see some riddles. Bring the riddles to the table and we'll kind of, we might split one.

We might get one riddle, three spoons.

One riddle, three spoons is also such a good name for our podcast that we just started. Dang. Dang.

You know what I want to do? I want to work in a breakfast restaurant and push the dessert menu on people like they do at regular restaurants. Where you're like, okay, I know what that that's about. You guys save room for dessert. Let me get the menu.

Is it like pancakes and French toast? And you're like, no, it's dinner dessert.

It's cheesecake and fucking creme brulee.

I have to be honest with you guys about something about the state I'm in today.

Oh, let me guess, California.

Yes. How'd you know? Cause I'm in my usual house.

Um, I... This is my usual house.

I am, um, I was a little bit stressed out cause right after we're done recording, literally the second that we're done, I don't know if you can tell, I'm putting bags and dog in a car and I'm driving to Chicago from California.

She has to get out. She has to get out.

And I thought last night I should get a good night's sleep because I'm about to drive across the country. I did not sleep.

So I'm feeling a little...woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.

So two spoons for the riddle, please. I will not be needing one.

Let me ask you about your cross-country trip that you're making. Are you driving this with anyone else?

I am.

Okay, good. Okay, because otherwise I was going to say, go ahead and cancel that drive.

Why? You think I can't do it?

Yes. If someone was like, I'm about to drive cross country and last night I didn't sleep, I'd say, hey, don't go behind the wheel of a car. I'll tell you that much.

I really enjoy every time Gemma and I do a road trip, it'll be like, well, we'll switch off every three hours. And then it's me driving for 12 hours.

Right, but I'm going to be the one driving for most of it. But today we're going a short distance.

Yeah, it's going to break that drive up. I like a three days Chicago to LA, or like three trunks of driving if I can. I've done two, and two is just on the verge of too much.

And I'm going to do four days. Well, like four and a half days. That's great.

Erin, do you already know where you're going to stop?

Ish. So I'm going to stop in Vegas tonight. So we're just going to do like the first five hours.

Vegas baby.

Vegas baby.

And then we're going to do... That's my day three drive going out. Stop at Vegas and then you're there in L.A. in like five hours. It's a breezy one.

That's a fun stop on the way back especially I think. And then the second day I want to be like drive as long as we can type vibes and hope end up somewhere in Colorado I hope. And then Wednesday morning the person I'm driving with has a job interview in the morning so we'll just have like a little Colorado morning. drive, I think get to like, have that be a slightly shorter day. Get to like the very end of Colorado, Nebraska area. And then Thursday is drive to Iowa, stopping to see a new friend in Iowa. And then Friday, Iowa to Chicago. And then I have a wedding on Saturday.

I didn't want to interrupt, but congratulations on your new ABC sitcom, Little Colorado Morning.

Thank you.

I think that's gonna be fun.

It's pretty dull. It's just me. It's like sort of a motel and I run a motel. No, no, it's fun. We haven't written a single hard joke for it. We told them what we would though.

Oh no, that's bad. The only thing I care about with a cross country drive is not driving through the mountains at night.

Yeah.

the episode.

I will not be doing it as soon as this segment is done.

Erin, I hope you stay at the famous clown motel.

Adal, I would rather die. Look at me, Adal. I would rather die. I am not being hyperbolic. I am not exaggerating. I would rather die than stay at a clown motel. And I don't want you motherfuckers, and Adal, you go, for my birthday we're all going, no. No.

This is not a joke, Adal, and I truly don't mean it to come off as one, so I want to say this with, like, sincerity. Isn't any motel that you stay at... JBC, don't finish the sentence.

It's mean. It's bullying. What?! You don't even know what I was gonna say! Any motel you stay at, Adal, is a clown motel because you're a clown.

Well, Adal, that's not what I was going to say. Riddles. Riddles.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

You win. You must do one riddle. You must do one riddle today, Erin. And I only have six, so we're not doing any more than six. I have these little cards, and I've already worked through all of them, and so these are my last six. Here we go. Line by slow line, I am born in pain. You dictate my shape, my place, and my name. I cling to you closely and never let go. I move with your movements, be they rapid or slow. When you're hot, I perspire. What chills you chills me. I will always be with you. I will never be free.

A tattoo. A tattoo.

Erin, it is a tattoo.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you are a tattoo artist and you've just given JPC a tattoo. It was like a six hour sitting. JPC, you're seeing that tattoo and it is not what you wanted. Okay.

And finish the last... Alright, we are done. Let me bring out the mirror, much like a barber does when he finishes a haircut. Here we go. Okay. Let me get the angles on this.

Yeah. What am I looking at here?

This is pretty much what you asked for.

Is this the mirror that shows me someone else's back? This is... This is your back. This is my back.

Mm-hmm. Sorry, this is a normal mirror, not an enchanted mirror or anything, although... Sure. Okay. In the back, we have stuff for sale. So this is what you asked for, I think, pretty much.

Uh-huh. This is Jafar from Aladdin, correct?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, and this is what you thought I asked for?

I thought that you asked for Jafar as a Chippendale, sort of a Magic Mike situation, dancing on top of a Denny's. So that's what you have here is Jafar dancing on top of a Denny's, which I think is pretty much what you said.

Holy God, I didn't even see the Denny's part. Okay, so that's way bigger on the bottom, kind of going kind of into my ass.

Yes, and then tucking back up to your crotch is Iago saying, squawk moons over my hammock.

Yeah. Huh. So... So... Could you pull up my email?

Sure, let me just... Dear Terry's Tats, I would like a tattoo of my dead father to honor him and his military service. You know what? Let's just call this an oopsie. This is for free. Let's all get a good night's sleep. We'll come back tomorrow. We'll take a stab at it again, okay? Well... Can I take you for lunch or... Should I be... I don't know.

Should I be sleeping or... It's also bigger than we talked about.

I don't think so. Let me check the email.

Well, hey, look. Let's... Well, let's run dry. I don't mean to be, you know, kind of a dick to anyone. You're at work. Like, I get it. You have a job. It's obviously messed up a little. My dad's military service really meant a lot to me. Is there any way you can take what you've done, which is beautiful in its own way. Thank you.

Can you write that as a review, please?

I won't. Jafar on top of a Denny's. Is there any way that you could change this and alter this to maybe make it look somewhat like the prompt that I kind of gave you? What if I changed Denny's to Daddy's?

So it's Jafar as a Chippendale, Magic Mike situation, dancing on top of a daddy's. Now, of course, Iago saying Squawk Moons over Miami won't make sense.

You keep saying Chippendale, but it's less of a Patrick Swayze and more of a Rescue Ranger, it seems. Yeah, he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Solving crimes.

Someone messing up and then saying, you know what, is just perfect. You know what?

I think, here's my take, I don't have any tattoos. If I went to get a super complicated tattoo and they gave me just completely the wrong tattoo, for me, I'm probably the best person you could do that to. Because I think I would shrug and say, well, Serves me right.

You say, you know what?

You know what? You know what's even better than a tattoo I wanted? A really weird bad tattoo I didn't want. That's actually for me, like a way better, because then people see the tattoo and they're like, that's an interesting thing. Why did you do that? I'm like, you know what? It was a big mistake and not even mine. I trusted the wrong man.

I would love if you and I ever were in a high stakes bet, right? GPC? Sure. And I bet.

Let's do it.

I would like, if I win, whatever that bet is, to get to control a tattoo that you get. And I won't even pick what it is. I will let, I'll write a hundred horrible ideas and then I'll plug them into a wheel and we'll spin the wheel.

We do this, Erin. I hope Stuart Big wins. Stuart Big. Alright, Erin, I want you to get it.

It's all Stuart Big. I'm plugging Stuart Big into the wheel a hundred times.

I do think that we need to eventually, Erin, before we're 40, if we haven't found anyone, you and me, we interact, okay? I'm talking about fighting anyone, like CBS's tracker. We have to do some sort of high-stakes bet where we each pick a revenge tattoo that the other person has to get.

I love it. I would get a weird tattoo that you picked.

I think that I would get a weird tattoo that either one of you picked. I think that you would do it with enough grace and nastiness that it would be- And gusto. Grace and nastiness? I think my only qualifier is it would need to be in a place where I could conceivably cover it up easily. Yeah, I think that's fair. Like on my back or something. Honestly, chest, yes.

Yeah, you want to be able to while you're wearing a swimsuit show people to go, you know, JPC, famous notorious serial killer. He actually picked out a joke tattoo for me and I get to show it.

Yeah, I think it would be like if I'm wearing like, like shorts and a t shirt, you can't see it. But if I'm wearing a bathing suit, you absolutely should be able to see I think it's that kind of tattoo new review crew.

No.

This has to be motivated from like, we need to be on tour together. Yeah. And we need to fall through our hotel room into a tattoo shop. I don't know how it will happen.

It can't be as low stakes as we need one of 12 ideas for a month.

So I will either get a tattoo of either of your ideas. Which you have before. Yes, 100%, JJ made a fae, or I will tattoo one of you two with your idea. So either you have an idea, and I'll be the tattoo artist.

Oh, I would love if you gave me a tattoo. And the whole time you're like, I'm so sorry. Does it hurt? I can stop. I'm so sorry. Oh, God. I'm sorry. You're bleeding. You're bleeding.

You can draw, right?

You can draw pretty well, right?

Your handwriting's amazing.

No. Adal, your handwriting is so good. I have solid handwriting. My artistry is rough.

Well, then the tattoo's a word. I'll let you write whatever word you want on my rib cage.

You can do the word, yeah.

Rib cage. What do you want to write, Adal?

Live, laugh, fuck?

Yeah, okay. Does it have a question mark after fuck? Because that's quite good.

Question mark after all of them, I think.

If I'm going to give Erin a ribcage tattoo that is a word, it's got to be like a website. It's got to be like squarespace.com or something.

Snopes. Snopes! Hey everyone.

I'm

Erin, you know how some people have their Instagram tag on the back of their car so you can see their car Instagram? I think we get that for you as a tattoo, but it leads to an Instagram that has been removed for violating community rules.

You're like, what was on there?

So you have a permanent tattoo to a dead Instagram.

I love it.

I know there's Calvins pissing. Are there Hobbes shitting?

Well now... I can bring you love and comfort, I can bring you death. Very short riddle here.

Bring you love and comfort, I can bring you death. This one is... A hug.

A hug around the neck. It's not a hug. A hug around the neck.

I've been using these cards for the last year of episodes that I've been doing. This is one of the wildest ones that I have seen. Wild? I can bring you love and comfort, I can bring you death.

Is this like the human heart or something? Or is it like kind of cake? Like fats? No. No.

Sugars? It's not that. Warm. Heat. Light. Sun. No. Give us a hint.

So I guess this is like technically like wordplay in that like each thing is like the same word but a different meaning of the word.

Can you read the question one more time?

Also, look, I don't want to yuck anyone's yums. I've created riddles. Riddles are hard, but this seems pretty low effort. Like the last riddle that I read was like eight lines all meaning the same thing. This is two. I can bring you love and comfort. I can bring you death. I think it's way too general. That's my take on this riddle. It needs to be more specific.

A spouse. Sorry. But that happens from time to time.

Okay, can I add some more stuff? Well, no, that'll give it away. I'm trying to think of other things this word could be. I can bring you love and comfort. I can bring you death. I have one, but I think it gives it away.

I can bring you love and comfort, I can bring you death.

Oh, I can bring you the dead of night.

Okay.

I can, hmm. Dead of night, darkness.

Sleep?

No, it's not sleep. Closing your eyes. I can, oh boy, I don't even know. Time? It's not time. I can make your golf score worse.

Booze? Alcohol?

I can bring you love and comfort. I can bring you death. I can bring you the dead of night. Erin, you're so close. I can make your golf score worse.

Wait, what did Erin say? Swing?

Swing. She said swing. Let's get started. What would make your score worse in golf? Erin was close with swing.

Strokes. Weak arms. Strokes. Love and comfort. A pet. A stroke might kill you. Stroke of midnight.

Wow. Midnight, not really the dead of night as I was thinking, but you wouldn't say the stroke of two. It's the stroke of midnight. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, next Riddle.

I do want to see a scene.

Sure.

Erin, you are a pet owner. JPC, you are Erin's pet. And Erin, you've had this pet for a few months and you've never pet it once. And the day has come where the pet's finally had enough.

Well, goodnight. Sorry, you're making some noises. Do you need another blanket or... Okay, that's fine.

Oh Jesus Christ! What? What the fuck? What? You gotta ask people.

What are you talking about? I'm on the other side of the bed.

Somebody grabbed my ass.

No, Ringo. No, they didn't.

Okay, honey. I guess I'm crazy.

Ringo, just curl up, go to sleep. You're not in your crate anymore. You're on the bed. You made a fuss about the crate.

Hey, sweetie. Hey, sweetheart. You want to grab my ass? Just ask. This is the last time I get- I get it! I'm looking at my ass all day thinking how about I'd love to get a paw full of that.

This is the last time I get a New York dog. It's fine. It seems like you kind of want someone to grab your ass. Your ass, Ringo.

Yeah, I do. I just don't wanna be surprised by it.

Okay, well that's great. Good to know.

What if I came up to you when you was in the shower and I bit your leg?

Ringo! You have done that. Exactly!

Well, and what did you say?

I said, ow, that hurts, Ringo. Your dog trainer told you not to do that.

So turnabout's fair play, toots.

And the Oscar for Best Portrayal of a Raunchy Dog in a Seth MacFarlane Ted-like Movie goes to... Oh, this is a stacked category. Al Pacino as Ringo the Dog! You've got to be fucking kidding me!

Pacino's the... Wait a second! That's me! Oh my god, he's still in character. Pacino's still in character.

He's rubbing his butt on the carpet.

I'm never not gonna be this dog. I'm 90 years old. I have a newborn infant child.

What's the name of the guy that got stuck as Elvis?

Austin Butler.

He Austin Butler'd. That's what I wanted to yell.

He got stuck as Elvis. He got stuck as Elvis.

It was really scary. You guys forgot how scary that was. He got stuck as Elvis.

Oh yeah. He was in that Apple TV show about pilots in World War II. It was really scary, guys. Hey, I'm one of the Air Force. Yeah. Yeah. It was terrifying.

Oh, listen to me, I'm a Harkinian.

Now, Erin. Yeah, Adal. If we're going along the lines, if this is like a college SAT test of like kittens are to cat as puppies are to dog.

Right.

Awesome butlers to Elvis, what celebrity playing a character would you like to see them- Get stuck? Get stuck as that character, yeah. I would say Cate Blanchett is Gladriel.

That's such a good answer. I love it. I mean, Ian McKellen is Gandalf.

Yeah, it's gotta be Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Rings is a great universe for that to happen to, but as the day goes, I will come up with funnier and funnier answers.

Andy Serkis is Sméagol. I think a lot of Lord of the Rings ones work.

What about Michael Keaton as Jack Frost?

That's awesome.

That's a good one. Oh, okay. So speaking of SATs, Snickers are to Bites as Kit Kats are to... Oh, Breaks.

That's stupid. But I like it, but it's stupid.

But yeah, it's time for a break. Give me a break. Adal just bites Kit Kats. Can we talk about that some more?

Oh yeah, so weird. Sorry, Adal.

Hey Erin, notice anything different about me?

Uh, new hair, new hat, new butt, new face, new... Yes to all of those, and... Leg swap with arms, arm swap with legs, middle swap with back.

Guys, you're nailing all of these? I look amazing, but I also have a new monkey, his name is Rocket Monkey, and he's helped me with Rocket Money.

Whoa, Rocket Monkey is the... is a character that's associated with the brand Rocket Money. It says us.

It says us. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

And Rocket Monkey is a little monkey who likes to eat bananas and can help cancel your feelings of not having a monkey around.

Very good, Rocket Monkey.

You can see all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. For ones you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel them. It's like having a little assistant in your pocket. It's so nice because I know I will sign up for free trials and then it's none of my business anymore and I forget about it. But thank goodness for Rocket Money being like, Hey Erin, um, excuse me, uh, did you want this still? And I'm like, no, I do not Rocket Money.

Thank goodness for Rocket Monkey, who is also a part of this for some reason.

Although, don't put Rocket Monkey in your pocket. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members and monkeys up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Isn't that right, Rocket Monkey?

I have premium suspenders!

Okay, that's good. You can get alerts and bills increase in price if there's unusual spending activity or if you're close to going over budget. Which happens to me all the time. Me too!

So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. And also Rocket Monkey is here as well. Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name, Hey Riddle Riddle, in the survey so they know I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from my show. And also, if you want to mention Rocket Monkey, I would say don't. Yeah.

Rocket Monkey, are you legally associated with Rocket Money?

I'm illegal. Oh no. Rocket Monkey. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Scalpel.

Here.

Pencil? Present. Scissors? Oh God, Scissors called in sick. Okay, that's fine, that's fine. We still got this website.

Scissors is the one that makes the website.

Website? Do we have the website? No, Scissors is the one who knows how to do it. Scissors makes the website.

Calm down, we can use Squarespace.

Oh great, Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

Great point, Pencil. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Thank you, Pencil. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall, perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

Scalpel, you have it exactly on the money. And also, Squarespace has CO tools.

SEO tools.

I know it's SEO tools, but do you think people ever say CO tools? I bet Sting does.

I bet he's like, CO! I was gonna say, party boys don't care. Push it down.

Bangs over your eyes. Hey Riddle Riddle. Even a guy as dumb as me could run the whole website.

Isn't that fun? Very fun. Oh, he's awake. Back to sleep, buddy. Back to sleep. Oh, but before you go back to sleep, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code RIDDLE. There you go, buddy.

Oh, we never got your name. I'm Scalpel. That's Pencil.

And you're... Died 10 years ago.

Whoa! Whoa! I knew you were going to do that. I knew it.

With a $5 meal deal with new McValue. You pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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Okay, you guys ready for some more riddles?

I guess. I guess.

Yeah, I guess so. Would you rather do a segment?

Yes.

Great! It's time for everyone's favorite segment, Riddle Rewind. Today's riddle comes from episode 363. Okay, the Riddle Rewind is... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can bring you love and comfort. That's last week. I can bring you death.

Bring you love and comfort, bring you death. Is this like a blanket?

Wait, that's this week.

Erin, what are you talking about? I can bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

I want to say swing.

Erin, that's correct. It's a swing. Swings are very comfortable, but you could also, if you don't hold onto the bars, die on a swing. For sure.

See, I hate to give a note on a segment. Obviously.

Okay. However... But I'm all ears, though. I mean, I want the note. The feedback makes me better.

I think more time should pass before you read a riddle we've done before. Okay. For this segment. That's all I'm saying. Okay.

Yeah, no. So, maybe wait a year and do that riddle again.

For over 15 minutes.

Yeah.

Okay. Interesting. Wait. Feedback makes me better. Hey, I'm excited to get better.

Adal, I heard his feeling and he's going to retaliate.

No, I'm excited to get better.

He's retaliating.

I'm excited to get better. I think he's always retaliating.

That's his secret. He lives his life like he's getting revenge on us for something we don't remember doing eight years ago.

Sort of a Rambo situation.

Live my life like I'm getting revenge. What does that make me think? Oh yeah, the Kevin Smith tweet, the... we fuck like we're cheating on each other with each other.

Oh, where his wife got to... That's insane he said that? He said that?

You don't know the famous Kevin Smith tweet, come on.

No, I don't.

I've talked about it on here before. Casey, what's the Joe Rokin guy?

I'm glad we don't know.

Elon Musk? No, the guy on Joe Rokin we asked to look things up. Donald Trump. Yeah, Donald Trump. Casey's our Trump. Casey Trump, can you pull up the Kevin Smith tweet? Can you put it in the chat for us? Okay, thank you. We'll have Erin read it.

Of course, I was joking with Zorp recently that if he ever wrongs me, my revenge is going to be marrying him. But when we get married, when I walk down the aisle, I'm going to sing down the aisle because that is the cringiest thing.

Here comes the me. Yeah, truly. Here comes the me.

You guys, I don't have a high tolerance for cringe, but people singing themselves down the aisle is my favorite corner of the Internet. I cannot handle it. Have you seen those videos? Can you imagine, and I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, and I'm on the side of the people who do things, and if you did that, I am not judging you, especially if you're a professional singer. But these people who are choosing to do it are, they're walking down the aisle singing God knows what. You're already getting all the attention. Why are we singing too? Why are we singing? Ugh.

And Erin, are submissions still open for your first annual Edinburgh Cringe Festival?

Yes. It is killing me to watch these submissions. I'm dying slowly.

All right, Erin. Ready? Let's read this Kevin Smith tweet, Erin. Let's get it over with and then we can move on to riddles. Go ahead. Okay. Whenever you're ready.

Happy 10-year anniversary to Kevin Smith's disgusting sex tweet. 10 years in and we bone each other like we're cheating on each other with each other. A decade- Oh God! No, I'm not gonna read the rest. Okay.

That's okay.

A decade plus wit and her... Blank, blank, blank, blank, blank. Still blanks. My blank.

That's- Erin, one of the smarter choices you've ever made on the show. I agree.

Because you would clip it.

Of course, here's your next riddle. You didn't invite any of these people. And even though many of them are talking about you, as far as I know, you've no interest in talking to any of them. I think they'd be very surprised if you did talk to them. Where are you?

The zoo. Vampire prom.

Okay, I got a Z, a Z. Erin, Adal, you are chaperones at Vampire Prom, and you're trying to keep the vampires from doing anything too untoward at Vampire Prom.

Yeah, Michael. Michael's my boy.

Well, he's very sweet. Thank you. Unlike my boy, who turned into a bat. I don't know where he went.

I mean, I feel like, you know, the minute they sort of suss out that ability, it's just morning, noon, and night. Bat, bat, bat, bat, bat.

It's disgusting. I can hear him turning into a bat at all hours. It's disgusting.

I've had to do so much laundry because my Michael keeps turning into a bat and then pooping into his sock. It's a lot of guano in his sock.

Hey, hey! Two feet apart! No necks! No necks!

And no, let's not put any booze in the blood, okay? Because that'll, I mean... These kids. Yeah. I think... These kids are insane.

I mean, I'm not the one organizing these dances. I'll admit, I'm not showing up to these PTA meetings. But should we have had this be a mixer with the local school for children with too much blood? I know, and I know I'm not an expert on these things.

Yeah, and I gotta say, it feels like, and I don't... This isn't an accusation. No, yeah. It feels like they're mocking us. That school feels like they're mocking us. Because they are the Fighting Too Much Bloods. Their mascot is someone fit to burst. It's almost like a Willy Wonka Roald Dahl situation of like, who was the girl that filled up with all that blueberry juice?

Veruca Salt. No, no, no, no. Violet Borgard.

That's right, that's right. So it does feel like the school is mocking us, but probably, I mean.

Yeah, it's like they're, I mean like, obviously we are trying to encourage our kid, but like, they're setting us up for failure here.

Yes. Michael has been biting Capri Suns, he's been biting Squeez-Its, just to get in the habit. But I feel like he needs his first kill or he's gonna go crazy.

Hey, hey!

Buh, buh!

You have to be invited in. You can't just walk in, you have to be invited in.

You can't just walk in. Buh! Do you go here? You're like 20. You're like 20 years old. I mean, sorry, you're like 2,000. 20 in vampire years is 2,000.

Oh, I said seen, but I said it in vampire, which is just blah.

How many years of vampire did you take? You took it in college, right?

I know, and it's like, truly, I wish that I had immersed myself in vampire society so that I could have, you know, actually used it, but if you don't use it, you lose it.

Yeah, you gotta do it studying abroad.

I was, what, was I in an elevator at a Target the other day, and there were two people speaking vampire, and I was like, I don't understand a single word that they're saying. That's crazy. 15 years ago, Erin, I would. I would have known everything.

Well, can you still, like, recognize it in writing? Or is it just, is it all gone?

If I take my time.

Right.

And then sometimes I still dream in vampire. I don't know if you guys get that.

Oh, that's crazy.

I'll be like, in my dream, and I'll be like, this isn't my blah. My blah is like double the blah of this blah.

Well, try to translate this, because a vampire left this note on my pillow the other day. You could just try to translate that for me.

Oh, sure. Okay. Looks like the mosquitoes already run through this bitch.

Whoa! Hey!

Was that a note to other vampires? It wasn't to her.

Yeah, I'm assuming this was posted on your headboard.

Oh, that's brutal.

Vampires beware, she strayed. Community notes, you know.

There's probably like a next door for vampires, right?

Looks like the mosquitoes already ran through this bitch. Try somewhere else, everybody.

Okay, you didn't invite any of these people. And even though many of them are talking about you, as far as I know, you've no interest in talking to any of them. I think they'd be very surprised if you did talk to them. Where are you?

What are those called? Not like a group where you're testing something. A testing group.

What context is this?

You write a TV show and then you show it to people and they're behind glass and you hear them talk about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, and now none of us can think of what that thing is called?

Yeah, what is that called? A screening? I've partook in that before.

A focus group. Focus group. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that.

No, it is not a vocal script.

Why do we even have to think about it?

I was interested in what that thing was called. Oh, is it like a play? It's not a play.

Oh, that's a great... I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you were doing a monologue in a play and now you're in the audience and you're just like sort of starting to engage and respond with what he's doing.

Looking at my hands, knowing what these hands have done, I cannot help but ask myself, why? Why? Is this who I've become? What? What have your hands done? Is this the man that I've become? Do I continue living my life in such a way? Yes. I am not afraid of what comes next.

You're gonna get killed in the third act. I've seen this play. Run!

I am not afraid of what comes next. My destiny I must approach even though I have done horrific things. I must be the man I am meant to be.

You won't. Your son dies too and you... And then you find out and then you die. Hey, Greg, stop. Stop. I'm helping. I don't think so. This is immersive. I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it on the news. They say it's immersive theater.

If there is but one regret that I have in my life, it's that I haven't told the people that I care about that I care about them as much as I do.

Aww.

And I will- I thank you, tis I, Greg. Honey, I'm gonna stand up.

No, don't.

Honey, let go of my shirt. Honey, let go of my shirt. What are you doing? You auditioned and you didn't get in. Are you cold? Are you cold?

You auditioned and you didn't get in. You auditioned and you didn't get in.

Well, they didn't say I- They didn't? They never said no. Wait, are you here with both of us? Oh shit.

Who is this woman? Who is this? Who the fuck is this? Oh my god, I'm his wife.

Word to I... What? I'm his wife. Word to I... Guys, I'm doing a soliloquy, please.

Oh my God, our rings are the same.

Oh my God, you look like me.

Oh God, you look exactly like me. You look just like me. God. Okay, well, now I understand why he didn't get into the play.

Yeah, now I understand why he didn't get into the play and why he's gone for like half the time.

Yeah.

Forsooth.

Should we kiss just to see?

Oh, shit. No, not in front of you, pervert.

He starts, it's his big moment, he gets up on stage and then his two wives are kissing and he's like, holy, hold on. You didn't invite any of these people in, even though many of them are talking about you. As far as I know, you've no interest in talking to any of them. I think they'd be very surprised if you did talk to them. Where are you?

The Schizophrenia Award?

Guys, guys, guys. What, what, what? What? We have, we have done this on the show very recently.

No way. Oh, oh, um, a stroke.

Or play.

No, it was a Patreon episode.

A funeral.

It's your own funeral. It's at your own funeral. Yes, it's very sad.

Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle if you want to hear our funerals.

Very, very fun episode. I hide behind a row of tiny stars. Without my help, you will not pass.

Gandalf.

Amen. Did you hear that Magneto got stuck as Gandalf?

Sad.

He couldn't get past it.

These riddles are driving me crazy.

I hide behind a row of tiny stars. Without my help, you will not pass. One of the words that I said in there is a word that is in the answer.

Stars.

Isn't that crazy? A shooting star. A star. Falling star. Stars guard. This one I actually like.

I know I shouldn't be judging these riddles, but I like this one quite a bit. I hide behind a row of tiny stars that my help you will not pass.

Is this like a Mario level? No. I hide behind a row of stars.

This is something that I think most people encounter in their everyday, in your day-to-day activities, especially if you're using a computer. If you were not using a computer, you probably wouldn't encounter this.

Password.

Clippy? Password, Erin.

Oh, yes.

Clippy. A row of tiny stars.

Oh crap, I'm so fucking tired of running into Clippy. It's so awkward.

I didn't see a scene. JPC, you're on a date, and it's going well. You're in a car, kind of with the date dropping them off, and you're about to make out with them, and Erin, you're clippy, and you pop up to help out. Great. And I'll play the date.

Jason, this was awesome. I had such a good time. Hell yeah. This is you, right?

Yes, this is this is me. I will so oh, do I have your number? Let me check real quick. Yes. Yes, I do. Okay.

Okay. Oh cool. Well, I Look forward to hearing from you.

Okay, here's me reaching for the door handle.

Hey, why don't hi seems like you're looking to try to get it in. Do you need some help?

Um, hey, uh Sorry about that. I have I have this new

I see that you're trying to land the plane, so to speak. Do you need some help?

Yeah, this is the newer Subarus. They have this automated feature. It does driver assistance and stuff like that too.

I see that you're a little bit hard.

Should I let her know? I'm trying to put silence. Okay, cool.

Thanks for pressing my button. We're off to a great start. Seems like you're interested in me joining you.

Okay. Oh, uh, the doors won't open. Can I?

Oh, yeah. So it's like a safety feature. Oh, you know what? Let me just if I put it in drive and then park, drive and park drive. Okay, so it's not working.

Seems like you're letting her know that you are not a very controlled or good lover. Should I give you suggestions on how to change your mind?

Yeah, okay. This is a man. I don't know if I didn't do the settings right. I'm pretty sure when I bought the car I signed gay. In fact, why did they ask me that?

Are you gay?

Yeah, why is Subaru asking?

Happy Pride! Do you need help landing the plane?

No, I'm actually good. You know what, Jason? I had a lovely time and I'd like to make out if you would like to make out.

Um, yeah. Yes. Yeah. Great.

Seems like you're writing a resume. Do you need my help?

Are you writing a resume while kissing me? I don't like that.

Hey, I told you that my work is very stressful and the things that relax me also kind of propel my work.

Tongue is pretty common in this kind of thing. Do you want me to play music?

In a resume?

Hi!

Are you gay?

See? Alright, and Casey, go ahead and clip that one for us.

No!

No! Are you gay?

Casey! You don't answer to him anymore. That's done.

I need Erin to say, Hi, are you gay? That's going to go on my big book of Erin's icebreakers.

Yeah, that's going to be at every party I ever go to. Hi, are you gay? Oh, God.

Hi, I see you're writing a Word document. Are you gay?

What? Okay, here's your next one. When you stand, I disappear. When you sit, I come back once around the track. Lap. It is lap. Would you have gotten it with that once around the track?

I think so. Yeah, of course. I'd like to think so.

Isn't that... Isn't that the riddle that, um, ol' What's-His-Face does in GoldenEye? Do you guys remember the movie GoldenEye? The James Bond movie? Alan Cumming? Alan Cumming. I think that Alan Cumming does that in GoldenEye.

Anyway, remember when he, for some reason, just has a tick where he can't stop clicking a pin, and then James Bond gives him a pin bomb and counts how many times he clicks it until it detonates?

Yeah, it's like, you click it once to detonate, or once to detonate and twice to disarm or something, and he's just like clicking away at that pin and James Bond, God. The best part about James Bond is when Q is like, here's a lighter. It only works underwater and it emits a small frequency that will drive one fish insane. And he's like, he gives it to him and it's like, oh yeah, right when he's about to die. It's the perfect situation where this useless gadget would be useful.

GPC, almost as much as I love this hyper specific gadgets, I love a villain who for no reason is like, Yes, Brainy Todd, he always kicks whatever is red, and it's like, well, what are we doing? That's a choice, not a defect.

Okay, hey, this is your last one of these set of riddles, and it's a little bit of a longer one. There's a lot of words on this card. Here we go. Here I lie, tail wrapped around me, like a circle of sleeping dancers. Now I am rising, climbing the steep air like a storm-tossed leaf. I am like a sail. I am like a bird. Kite. Yeah, it's kite.

Brother. I'm like a kite, I have a rolling string.

We weren't even halfway there. I am the wind's darling, I swoop and skim, lift and soar and slide.

You could have just said, I want to fly away. Wild did I. The lyrics that were there, Adal, made sense for kite.

Dear God, make me a kite so I can fly far.

But if I escape, I will fall. Adal, I want to see a scene. You are going to be, Erin and I are going to be two people enjoying flying our kites at the park. You're going to be a man who has those, you know those like big ribbon-cutting scissors, those like comically big scissors?

For like opening ceremonies?

Yeah, like opening a new mall or whatever. You're going to be walking around the park with those big scissors, and Erin and I have heard about you before.

This is so nice. Oh my god, look, it's the mayor.

Ugh.

Oh no.

Ex-mayor. Disgraced mayor. Hello, kids. How are we today? Hi, former Mayor Garfield. How are you today?

Hi, former mayor.

I love Mondays.

Okay, we have something behind your back.

Yeah, that's close enough.

We see that you have something behind your back, and we know that you got disgraced because you kept walking around town saying you want to get your money's worth out of these big, big scissors, and you've been sort of giving people unwanted haircuts, cutting people's curtains, running amok. Circumcisions. What?

We didn't want to mention the circumcisions. That one, that one kind of escalated the crimes. If we were going to maybe, I mean you were kind of like,

Yeah, as soon as you drew blood it stopped being whimsical.

There were a couple of close calls when you were like giving people midriff shirts and stuff like that. The circumstances, you say circumstances for Mary Garfield, but really you were cutting people's penises off. Penises, fingers. You just can't be accurate with scissors that big. I see what you're doing. My friend and I here, we're trying to enjoy flying our kites.

We made it ourselves.

So just please keep your distance and please, you know... Yes, of course. I'll keep my distance from this kite with... It's long strings.

Mr. Mayor, we don't want to have to do a funny little montage where we're dodging and weaving.

We all of a sudden have the scissors and chase him. Scooby-Doo. Switches back.

Oh, he stepped in a hole. Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, he impaled himself. He impaled himself with the big, big scissors. Former Mr. Mayor Garfield, what can we do? Please.

Please. There's no time. I'm doomed. Pass along this message to my wife. Someone have paper? Do you have like an iPhone? Is it a long message? It's not long, but I don't want it distorted. Please. Do you have like... I have my phone.

I'll do it on my phone.

No, I have a good memory.

I have a good memory. Go ahead.

Maybe both. Maybe both. Maybe both. Maybe both.

Spin it out, Mr. Mayor.

Hold on, I'm on his Wikipedia right now. He does not have a wife.

Good riddance to dead Mayor Garfield. Hey, speaking of Garfield, this is coming out on a Wednesday, but we're recording it on a Monday.

So that's something, huh? Yeah, I guess so. Is that anything?

That's something. Kicks normal or whatever.

Casey, can you play us one of our voicemail-themed submissions, please? Wait, I'm getting a call from the vet.

Oh, God. Marbles, please be— Hello?

Hey, it's Marbles. Look, I made a big mistake. I want you back, baby. I know I broke up with you this morning, but I want to take care of you. I want to give you everything you ever wanted.

Go suck a duck.

Erin, you're going to be happy. This is from Lucas. Lucas says that they listened well. They're a main demographic for this show because they are a grad student in the life sciences. Of course they are. During their master's bio program. And they almost lost an eye from working with a microscope and laughing so hard at our show one time. And they said that they only want to plug their best friend Zuko, who is an avid listener.

Hi Zuko.

Zuko?

Sandy?

Zuko from Avatar? We love that. If you want to submit a voicemail theme, 30 seconds or less, leave a WAV file, hrrpodcast at gmail.com. We always appreciate all of our submissions. Casey, hit us with a voicemail.

Hey team, Lane here, short time listener who has almost caught up on all your episodes embarrassingly quickly. I just got to the point where Erin has revealed that she's dating someone who you all have affectionately dubbed Zorp. Perfect. And the timing, coincidentally and canonically, lines up with when I got a new fish earlier this year who is actually named Dr. Zorp. So my question for you, Erin, is, are you dating my fish? And if not, follow-up question, is your Zorp also a doctor? And if not, again, a follow-up follow-up, would you like to? She is a doctor after all.

Wow.

Oh my god. This is the best news ever.

It feels like they're kind of asking if Erin wants maybe like a Zorp upgrade.

I'll take a Zorp upgrade.

Erin, if you're dating a fish, you have to tell us.

Do I? Let's just say, this weekend, we went to a nice fish dinner, and Torb started screaming and called me a monster. So if that answers your question, I don't know.

First of all- Someone's saying they want to take you out for a fish dinner and you're just eating little flakes out of the water and you're like, fuck. I should have asked what type of fish dinner.

I'm begging you to send me a picture of Zorp the fish because what an honor. What an honor. Zorp the fish. And yeah, I am dating a fish. And no, they're not a doctor.

Erin, every time you take Zorp out on a date, you pay market price, is that right? I do. It's very expensive.

And Erin, you're kind of in like a meet-the-parents situation where your Zorp is like a nurse, but like everyone assumes that Zorp's a doctor, but Zorp is like really happy just being a nurse, right?

Yeah, I'm in a meet-the-parents situation in more ways than one. No, Zorp, go ahead.

I was going to say, Zorp is a ER doctor, and when they said they're an ER doctor and we're wearing ER scrubs, you said, ER they?

I was just talking about that. Oh, are they? I will say Zorp has watched all of the pits. So, if they're not a doctor, then I don't know. They're not a doctor.

Alright, well speaking of things that we would like to doctor from our own records, do we have anything that we would like to plug? Erin, plugs?

If you are in Los Angeles and you want to check out Quality Time, it is a variety show that I host every month. It's a different date every month, so you'll have to follow us on social media to find out what it is. And we have different themes. Like we had a death doula at our last show that talked about alternative options other than being cremated and buried of what you can do with your body when you die. Like it is a true variety show. It's not just comedy and music. I love it so much. I have the best time watching the other acts every time I go. So check that out. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, please come see us on tour. We have some upcoming dates. You can find those all at heyriddleriddle.com slash live, I believe. And I feel like we've mentioned it, but in our upcoming Seattle and Portland shows, Janet Varney will be joining us, our fourth host. So look forward to that. Also, Hullo from the Magic Tavern is on tour, so you can check out those Dates and tickets as well. JPC, anything to plug or promote or a review to read?

Yeah, let's start a review. This one's coming from H. Swanson Smith. If you want to get a review featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere you leave a review. You might get yours picked for the show. I picked H. Swanson Smith today. It says, a descent into beautiful madness. A friend introduced me to the show in March. I spent two months unable to listen to anything else. My brain turned to mush. I confused people around me by laughing at jokes they couldn't hear. For several weeks, I made the show my shout out to the four people watching my Twitch stream. I made the mistake of listening in the car with my toddler, which led him to repeating many new words CBS to tell them that we got a new baby that has the perfect sense of humor for Casual Pope coming to CBS this fall. Right after Little Colorado Morning. Right after FBI Miami and right before FBI... Jupiter.

Paw and Order. I think it's Police Dog. What else? What else?

Paw and Order. In a town where dogs have to solve crimes. John Patrick Coan.

Casey Tomey did the editing. Harry Perrins did the music. Logo created.

Hey there Wallens and Warrens, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We play the game that's definitely not named that tune. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

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