Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Guys, this hot Riddle class is way too hot. I don't even feel like I'm getting a good workout. I'm just feeling like sick.

Yeah, I definitely feel like it's working my core. I wish these goats would get off of me. I didn't realize it was like a hot yoga and goat yoga class.

Yeah, GPC, what is this?

There's goats here too? Is the instructor touching you guys? I feel like he's only touching me, and it's not to correct. I feel like they're little spankings.

He's been very focused on you.

Yeah, I haven't gotten spanked not even once.

Well, but it's all about, like, conceivably it's about my form, but usually I feel like they, like, touch your hip and, like, move it this way, but it's just little spankings and then kind of, like, mutterings about my form.

GPC, can I be honest with you? I'm surprised that you sort of piled on to our confusion, because you're the one who brought us here. You're here every week.

Yeah, you got a living social about this or something?

No, it's an ice cream social. So usually I'm here like two hours from now. I think basically they have, we all showed up maybe way too early. I think it's like a different event two hours earlier.

What the heck? What the heck?

We're in a hot riddle class with goats and we're getting spanked?

I'm getting spanked.

Right, sorry.

I mean, I guess I should go clean. The goats are spanking me, but not the instructor.

Okay, and I'm not getting spanked at all.

I'm sure you gotta try goat spanks. You simply must. Does your goat look too fat?

Try goat spanks.

Okay, is anyone else paranoid that these clips are gonna get taken out of context? You know what, let's just sneak out of here.

Roll up your mat.

We're just gonna sneak out of the class. No one's gonna notice that we're leaving.

Okay, the goats want to come. Come on, come on guys. Wait, that's the instructor. Who are you talking about? Oh no.

Oh no, we really gotta go.

Erin goes in one door, comes out the other door. My wig's off. JPC and I go in one door, we come out the other door, I jump in JPC's arms, but then I look up and it's a ghost.

We come out of another door, we're all wearing each other's clothes.

Erin makes a big sandwich and then scrunches it down into a manageable sandwich.

And we land back into a recording studio.

You know, like you can call it in for meetings, it does spreadsheets, it knows Excel.

I do want to go to a restaurant and ask them before I order, how manageable are your sandwiches?

How coachable are they?

Is this sandwich manageable? Will it take notes?

Will this sandwich appreciate a learning moment or a teaching opportunity? Is this like a Christian Bale sandwich or is it coachable? Hey, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm JPC, that's Erin, that's Adal. It's a show, believe it or not, about riddles and about improv. And we do a flawless kind of introduction like this at the beginning of every episode just so people really understand what the show is all about.

In today's episode, oh please. Just so you know the energy of why this feels the way it feels is we all sort of kind of sat in silence before the episode started and didn't really check in with each other. I haven't spoken to them in a couple, Adal, I haven't seen you in two weeks.

Adal just went to Scotland.

So that intro you just heard was me saying hello to Adal for the first time in two weeks.

Guys, Scotland, beautiful time, incredible time. One little hiccup. We rented a car. We were driving the highlands. Isle of Skye, the most beautiful place I've seen on earth. We hit a Shrek with our car. Car stuttered.

You did the right thing, right? You called the government, let them know you hit a Shrek. Tell me you didn't hide the body and sort of try to cover it up.

Tell me you didn't take it and dump it in the equivalent of Central Park and claim that a bike can hit it. Central Swamp? Central Swamp! And claim a bike can hit it. And tell me that you're not going to be running for president, abandoning your presidential campaign, and settling for Secretary of Health and Human Services, I want to say?

GBC, absolutely not. What I did was what any human would do, which is I sawed its head off.

Oh, Adal.

And then me and my niece drove it down. And now we have a Shrek hanging above our fireplace. But you, I mean you're in Scotland, you're driving, it's the first time you've ever done it. You took the Shrek insurance, right? We got the Shrek insurance, so yeah, no harm, no foul. And I do think they are overpopulated. So I think there is, I think once per year you can, I think, hunt up to two or three Shreks.

Did you check in its pouch for a baby Shrek? Did you even check? You're supposed to check for the baby Shrek if you hit one with your car. Oh my God, that's why. They're a protected species.

No, no, no, this is their season. June is the beginning of their season. So as long as you did it in June, then I think that you don't have to file. The thing about the Shrek insurance though, Adal, and you'll have to look at this, because it's like, it protects like your car, but it doesn't like protect the Shrek. So like if they... Yeah, if the family of the Shrek finds out and they try to get reimbursement or something, you know?

And you looked around for its donkey, right?

I did see its donkey.

Because you have to kill its donkey, too, if you kill a Shrek.

Well, here's what happened was, as I was kind of looking around, like, what should I do? What should I do? I reached down, thought I was grabbing the Shrek's body, accidentally touched the donkey. And once you touch a donkey, the mother wants nothing to do with it. Yeah. So, I did have to kill it. Erin, you said check in its pouch. Is that a trick to try and get me to put my hand down Shrek's pants?

Oh, as if you're not looking for any excuse. Okay, yeah, I gotta trick you to do that. I gotta dare you to do that.

I see a dead Shrek, and I'm like, where's his identification? Reached down in the front of his pants, and I'm like, I'm looking for a wallet.

What? You have to be careful if you kill a Shrek, because you have to check for its donkey. I did the same thing, but I, it was, where was I? Oh man, I don't even remember where I was, but I was driving, and I hit a Mulan, and I had to check for its little dragon.

For its Mooshu?

We're at Smooshu, that's right, thank you.

It started as a bit without knowing its name. I love the idea of somebody going like, I can't handle this bit anymore.

Fast forwarding eight minutes and we're still doing it. But yeah, so I killed a Shrek, but otherwise, delightful. Lovely trip. Lovely trip. Impenetrable accents, but lovely trip.

I hear they do it just to fuck with people. They talk like fucking crazy normal there, but they put on that shit just to fuck with tourists. That sucks to hear. Yeah. Yeah, you got got, man. That sucks to hear.

Yeah, this is what Shrek's voice actually sounds like. Hello, I'm Shrek. I'm Shrek. Please don't hit me with your car.

He sounds like the main gremlin in Gremlins 2.

Is that what the- Am I accidentally doing an impression of a gremlin from Gremlins 2?

The erudite gremlin in Gremlins 2.

That makes me sad.

I thought Shrek's was like, his like real voice was like, Yeah baby groovy.

Shagadelic baby. Shrek baby. Mike Myers has done a lot.

Yeah. He did the love guru.

Do we all remember that? We should do that for a regroup.

Isn't he supposed to play Del Close in a movie? I wonder what happened.

Oh, I bet, and this is like me just guessing, I bet what happened is no one wanted to fucking see that movie.

Oh, right.

Because even people who know who Del Close is don't want to see that movie. I don't want to see that movie. And I know who Del Close is. Yeah. There are people right now Googling Del Close, like reading the first few lines and saying, I don't want to see that movie.

He is the cult leader of improv.

People don't want to go see a Herald. You think they want to see a movie about the guy who invented one? No, thank you. No, thank you.

What if they made the movie a Herald? That's what I would do.

All movies are a herald.

Came out in 2022, and I believe it's Mike Myers playing five different characters who are all the top of this sort of five-person secret society or something? Good for him!

That did not cross my desk, but good for him.

I think we should review that.

I think Mike Myers is at his best when he's playing five different characters.

Yeah, that's sort of his whole thing.

Yeah, he's sort of the Eddie Murphy of our time.

I did watch Shrek 2 yesterday, so it is top of mind.

Whoa, Erin, how's it hold up?

It's the best one. It's so good.

Shrek 2 is the best one, right?

It's so, so, so good.

Is that the one that ends and it's like, dance to the music, and it's all the little songs?

No, that one ends with, I need a hero. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Puss in Boots gets introduced in that second one.

It starts with accidentally in love.

Sorry, what was that?

It actually kind of makes sense for Donkey to fuck a dragon because Donkey is Mooshu and Mooshu is dragon. So it's like he's basically dragon.

He didn't even remember his name was Mooshu until like 10 seconds ago.

I don't even know who we're talking about when I say Mooshu.

And, well, JPC, Erin, you're absolutely right. Do you think I'm gonna get in trouble for saying I hit a Mulan? That could be bad.

Yeah.

Erin, I completely agree with you. JBC did not know the name. JBC, I do want to commend you though for not attempting to guess the name.

Yeah, I wouldn't put that past you.

I think Mushu is pretty rough, but also I'm just glad you didn't take some wild swings on guessing.

Well, hey, can I also say I've never seen Mulan. So the fact that I knew Mulan's name is also pretty... Oh, JPC, you will love Mulan. I've never seen a lot of these movies, and I do think that I love like Mulan, Moana. They're naming the movie after the character. I'll never know what the character in Brave's name is. Her name is Brave. Thank you Erin, but I can't hear it.

Merida. She's from Scotland, and she was in a show that I was watching this week. The woman who does the voice, not Merida.

Oh, the woman who does the voice.

I thought you were watching a show with the character for Brave popped up. Law and Order SUV and the animated girl from Brave walks in.

Yeah, she's stacking boxes onto a boat and getting asked about a murder.

Sort of a Who Framed Roger Rabbit situation.

The animated girl from Brave did a three-episode arc on Friends where she dated Chandler. I mean, that drags.

That's wicked funny. Dated Chandler, but fell in love with Joey, slept with Joey. Yeah, of course. We did listen to the Brave soundtrack while driving through the hills of Glencoe. Oh, yes, that's right.

And the cold wind is a-callin', and I'm dancing in the rain.

Yes, that song was great.

Yeah. How does the chorus is like, I want to touch the sky?

But that was a very catchy, very good song. And it made me want to rewatch Brave and Braveheart.

Kind of impressive that I remember that song and I haven't seen that movie in 10 years.

If they could make A sequel to Brave, but with Mel Gibson. I think that would be... I think we all would.

I think no. Fellas, I got something I want to ask you or talk to you about. And I actually want everyone to kind of chill the fuck out about it. And Casey, if you're listening, if you want to hop on, this also involves you, just for a quick second.

Casey's doing his homework for the review crew rep that we're recording later, but has already come out. Casey? Wow, he didn't deny it.

He's here, he's here, he's here. Okay, so I'm going to be in Chicago.

Okay.

In a little bit, I'm gonna be there for a little while.

Chicago, Illinois.

Illinois, yes. Chicago, Scotland. Just checking. And I was wondering if you guys wanted to take me to my first 40X mower.

Erin, you absolutely cannot stay with me.

What was the question? Okay, but can I borrow money?

Okay, it's happening, guys. It's happening. Okay, hold on. I already have the 40X schedule pulled up.

Uh-oh. I take it back.

I've actually looked at these dates a lot and tried to do the math of what we could convince Erin to go to because it's a tough week. Because it's it's gonna be a horror movie.

It's gonna be 28 years later I'm taking it back in such a major way. I'm taking it all back See, that's what I mean.

Both JBC and Aaron will not see that too late verbal contract.

I will throw up on you I will make sure when I projectile vomit during that movie. It will be on to you if you take me to that movie

Erin, I know you think that's a threat. That happens at every 40X movie. Everyone barfs. I think it's a guarantee. Money back.

Sometimes you barf, but then they spray the water and it collides like energy beams in an anime.

And the barf goes back in your mouth. It's sort of like a blocked shot.

You get to eat your popcorn twice, Erin.

I recently, I'm watching Arrested Development again and the Martin Short episode is so funny. First of all, I don't think you ever saw an episode of the show and his tone of comedy when he comes on is so different.

Oh yeah.

But he's, remember his character? He's like strong up top and his legs don't work.

Yeah, the little duke or something.

Yeah, and they like toss him, but they shake him a lot and he throws up down himself. That's sort of the running bit of that character. And I feel like that would be me on a 40XX movie.

I do think we have to... I think we have to go.

You know, Erin, you'll also still be in town when, what is it, the Formula One movie comes out? I don't know about that in 40... I mean, it's gonna be in 40X. I think if anything makes you throw up, it might be the Formula One movie in 40X. That could be a rough one. I will just say that could be a rough one. It could be a rough one.

What date does that come out?

It comes out, I think the earliest showing is Wednesday the 25th. Let's do that one.

I mean, we could do that one. We could do that one, guys. I'll buy tickets. Should we just have this be July review crew?

Also, maybe that's the time you guys can all meet Zorp. Maybe we'll go to a 40X.

I think you'll also still technically be in town for the beginning of July, and that's the Jurassic Park movie, and that might be the best 40X option. That movie does look like a... It's a steaming pile of raptor shit. A waste of time. That movie looks like a waste of everybody's time.

Well, that's something to consider. One of those two movies I will go to see. And for now, let's do some riddles.

Okay.

Okay. Casey, thank you so much for hopping on.

Thank you, Casey.

Surf's up, my guy. A hundred percent. Oh, great. All right. That's good to hear that one and not a horrible sexual one from the soundboard. Thank you, Casey.

Let's do some little warm-ups. I've really been enjoying these. Hey Erin, don't tell me what to do.

Sorry, did you not see the cogs turning in his head?

No, I was updating our Sharon Hayward and Riddle calendar to do a 40X movie. That's what I was doing.

Let's do some of these warm-up trios. Really been enjoying those. So again, this will be something I'll say three things. They all have something in common. You let me know what they have in common. First one we'll do is automotive stores, actors, and hairdos. Automotive stores.

What's an automotive store?

Like a Napa Auto Parts. Napa Auto Parts.

They're waiting for their big breaks. Oh, Erin. Holy shit. I don't know how that applies to hair.

Well, Danny DeVito famously worked in, or maybe Joe Pesci, one of them worked in their sister's hair shop until they got their big break.

Wow, wow. So all short people are the same to you. Is that right, Adal?

Yeah, he said that to my face.

You're telling me a Danny DeVito-sized man in a mask comes up to you and robs you, you don't conflate Joe Pesci and Danny DeVito? You don't point to them both in the lineup?

Well, first of all, if I'm getting robbed by this guy, I'm obviously going wet bandit, and I'm obviously going Joe Pesci, right? Like, I'm telling the cops it was Joe Pesci, even if it was Danny DeVito. Because I just don't... Does DeVito rob? No.

Yeah, he can throw a mom off from the train. I think he robs. It robbed us of $6.50. $6.50, of course, the ticket price at the time in 1980. Yeah, I was trying to adjust for it, but I shouldn't have. Can I tell you guys, speaking of web anons, can I tell you guys, I got super high the other day and thought about Home Alone for some reason, and I have a new theory. Which is that Kevin McCallister was a sleeper agent, and he was activated. Because he's a little boy who knows how to... Alright, weed has to be illegal again.

I'm calling it.

Yeah, they need to take it away. I think it's like a born identity situation where he's like a sleeper agent who's trained in... For who? Martial arts. Huh? Who's he a sleeper agent for?

It's got to be like an American's thing, right? For Russia, right?

Yeah, it might be like the Black Widow project kind of thing where he was in the red room or whatever.

Yeah, because he can't be a sleeper agent because he's sleeping in America. Like he's sleeping in the Chicago suburbs.

I'm sorry. I misspoke. He's a sleeping agent. So he slept through breakfast, which is why he wasn't counted in the van by Catherine O'Hara.

I do want to see a quick scene. Erin, you're going to be playing a sleeping agent. And Adal, you are going to be playing Erin's handler, who is debriefing her after her latest mission, which she, of course, slept through. Wake up.

Wake up!

Could you be any more asleep?

I'm Handler. I'm a Handler.

I'm late for the city. Sorry, what was that?

You slept through the mission.

How'd it go?

Terrible. It went terrible. You missed the drop. 18 people died. Four horses died.

So what I'm hearing is that 12 people are still alive and five horses. Not so bad.

I mean, you're not wrong, but...

Jo, should we get pancakes?

When you apply yourself, you are our best agent. You want pancakes? You think you deserve pancakes? Pancakes are for people who complete their mission. Now, I can put you back into society and have you never know that you were trained or an agent at all. Is that what you prefer?

I really want pancakes.

Sound of music. Three, two, one, sound of music.

We cut to the guy who programmed Erin talking to Adal.

Okay, so this is my fault. I didn't read the email so much. When you said the trigger should be a sound of music, I skimmed from there and I was like, I got this.

Excuse me sir, don't point to me and say this is your fault. Also, did you just say sound of music?

I didn't snip!

Why does she always confirm?

Ah, great. Two more horses.

Starts beating you guys up. Smack, smack.

Run up the wall. Grabs us with your thighs and flips us over.

They do, like, the thigh flips in those movies. Hey, speaking of those movies, I had an idea. You know how they're doing, like, they have all these, like, live-action movie... live-action versions of, like, classic animated stuff, even though, like, the live-action ones aren't actually live-action, because, like... CGI. Yeah, because it's so CGI. I think what they should start doing is making animated versions of previously, like, completely live-action movies.

Okay, so like an animated Goodfellas?

Goodfellas, but make it birds.

I truly was like, Goodfellas, and Erin's- Holy shit. I don't know why you both said Goodfellas. Holy shit. And I don't know why Erin went with birds for Goodfellas. Well, wasn't that an Animaniacs sketch? Was like, the birds that were like, Birdfellas or something? Pigeonfellas? They could have been Pigeonfellas.

That felt bad.

That's wild that our first thought was Goodfellas.

My favorite part of Goodfellas was, there's a scene with like Martin Scorsese's real mom is in the movie.

Oh, really? And they go, and Joe Pesci's like, he got his little, uh, what do you call it? Like a deer's foot. They're like, hoof, and he's like, yeah, I got his little hoof caught. And then they start talking about a painting, and it's like a man in a boat with two dogs. And Joe Pesci's like, look at the two dogs. One's looking that way, the other one's looking this way. And he's looking like, the guy in the middle's looking like, what do you want from me? It's just a very funny art review in the middle of a movie.

I can't believe we both thought about Goodfellas.

That's wild.

That's statistically improbable.

That's your first choice for animation.

JPC, what is your first choice for animated rotoscope?

Oh, I think I go, we animate Braveheart, we re-animate Braveheart, but we put the girl from Brave in there instead.

Okay.

Love it. She gets to play William Wallace. Finally. Okay, wait, are we in the middle of a riddle? Yeah, we are. Is it hair break, break, break, break salon?

These three things have something in common. Automotive stores, actors, and hairdos.

Something about a break, like breakage, break in.

They all have wipers.

Cut, make the cut.

If you're Tom Cruise, you think you're wiping your own ass, you're crazy. You think he'll jump out of a plane, but he won't. Put his hand back there.

I think so. I think so. Hey, if I heard that Tom Cruise doesn't wipe and he has someone wipe for him, I wouldn't even break stride. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, that's one of the craziest men on the planet. I believe any crazy thing that you tell me about him.

I bet he does have, like, his shitting glasses. Like, he has Ray-Bans for when he shits.

Have you heard the... I feel like I'm, like, seeing you guys... I feel like I'm at a zoo and I'm looking at you guys behind the glass and I'm in awe right now of hearing you guys talk about this.

I don't know where I heard it. The story about Tom Cruise, where he was, like, trying to be relatable with, like, other, like, actors on a set. And they were, like, talking about how hard it is to, like, be an actor and go out in public. And Tom Cruise said, yeah, it's like, I can't even just go to the ravioli store.

That is glorious.

To be fair, to be fair, I'm guessing somewhere in Beverly Hills there is a ravioli store.

I know, it's both crazy and to be like, well, you know what, conceivably at his level of wealth, there's a ravioli store for like super celebrities.

I met a person that's on his Christmas gift list where he gives everyone the olive oil cake every year, yeah. So the cake's amazing.

Have you guys seen the video of when Michael Jackson wanted to be normal, so he rented out a grocery store, shut it down, and then walked through the aisles with a shopping cart? It's unbelievable. Yeah. He's with a bunch of security. There's no, obviously he bought out the store so nobody could shop alongside him. And he's with a shopping cart. He's just putting thing in the cart and he's like, wee. It's like, shopping's not fun, man.

Yeah. Nothing bad happened to that man as a child.

Okay. What is the answer to this riddle?

Okay. What is the answer? So this is automotive parts, actors, and hairdos. Gel. This is something. Oil. They get, they strive, actors definitely strive for this.

Fame, break, success.

They all want their big break. Breaks are part of this, kind of. They're under the umbrella of this, I guess, if you're thinking about the automotive store.

A part.

Erin, they all have parts. Wow. The hair part.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you are a barber and you've just cut JPC's hair. JPC, you're trying to not be a bad sport or hurt his feelings, but it's the worst haircut you've ever had.

Great.

All right, then a line down the middle and ta-da! We're done.

Oh, line down the middle. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I don't think... A lot of people aren't really wearing their hair with a big part down the middle much anymore.

Well, I start trends, I don't follow them.

For sure, yeah.

80 bucks, please.

Sure. And this is, we're done with the haircut now? This is the end result of the haircut? This isn't like a halfway point? This is not a safe spot? This is not a safe point.

Yep, this is the final boss is done and this is credits.

This is credits. Is this one of those things where it has to like dry this way? So that later it can be shaped, or is this... Oh, don't get this wet.

The product I've put in this, don't get it wet.

I was noticing that.

Don't feed it after midnight.

It does kind of burn. We're not even burned. Scorch. Like it's scorching hot a little bit. Yeah, yeah. So I thought maybe there was like a... Salt activates it. It definitely feels like it's salt.

And prom's tomorrow?

Prom is tomorrow. Wow.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Sorry, I'm just walking by. I direct horror movies. You clearly do make hair and makeup for television. You've created this monster. And I just wanted to give you my card in case you ever wanted to come work for me. This is really terrifying stuff. Keep up the good work.

Oh my god. I'm just... Wow. Okay, let's see here. Wes Craven Productions. Wes is gender neutral.

Was she talking about me? Hey, you know what? I couldn't also help but, you know, promise tomorrow C that you also sell hats.

In the store.

Excuse me, can you shut your curtains? I'm walking by with my son and he's crying. You can't be putting Halloween decorations this scary out this early.

Mommy, Mommy, make it stop. It's not even October yet.

Oh, are you mocking my son?

That's what he would sound like. He's outside. He's mouthing it from outside.

You're disgusting.

I'm a kid. She threw coffee on me.

Okay, let's, all right.

People shouldn't be talking to kids like this. Yeah, maybe like a top hat or just something, because it's like, not that I don't like the haircut, because I don't not like the haircut at all, but prom is tomorrow, so maybe like, if I could just maybe wear a hat as well, or in addition to.

Okay, let's see here, we have, here's sort of a jaunty top hat.

Oh, okay, yeah, this could kind of go with what I'm working with for prom.

Hello, I'm here from the city. We're gonna burn this whole building down. You violated several codes having something this absolutely disgusting, despicable, horrible.

Oh sweetie, this building burned down years ago. We're ghosts. I died on prom night.

Oh, well, something off my plate.

Something off my plate. What are the best responses to hearing that people are ghosts? I died on prom night.

I died on prom night.

I died on prom night. It's not a contest. Ask me how. Hey ghost, it's not a contest. Let's do one more of these trios. Heaven, Microsoft, and airport. Gates, they all have gates. They all have gates. I do want to see a scene. Actually, we've probably done so many Heaven's Gate scenes.

I got a Heaven scene for us. I got it. This will be fun. Okay, we are three kids and we are hopping Heaven's Gate late at night.

I was like, Erin was like, oh, this will be fun. We're three kids and we're all dead. We're all dead children. We might not be dead. We're teens. Okay, here we go.

Give me a boost. Give me a boost.

Okay, okay, okay.

No, wait, you're never gonna make it over those golden little spikes at the top.

Aw, you think I can?

Oh, those are for birds though, right?

Those are for birds so they don't sit on the top.

Yeah, so they don't sit on the gates. Because if heaven's gate has shit all over it, nobody wants to get in.

We all know birds don't go to heaven. We all saw bird goodfellas.

They did Bird Pesci dirty, but he deserved it.

They did him so dirty. He deserved it.

Alright, I'll throw a heavy blanket over the spikes. Okay, Ricky, you're gonna go in first, okay? And kind of, because you're the fastest, and just kind of like scope it out and see if they're, you know, we don't want to get caught by any like the angels or anything.

Wait a second, am I the sacrificial lamb for you guys? Why can't one of you go first?

Whoa, whoa, sacrificial lamb? What's with all the Bible talk, Ricky?

Yeah, what's going on? You've been eating wafers all day. What's up?

I don't know I thought maybe just cushion this just if we get caught.

Wait a second, Ricky you're trying to get into heaven for real. No, I wouldn't!

Only nerds try to get into heaven, huh?

We all know it's a nerd thing! You apologize to us all day about all your past transgressions against us. What the fuck?

Oh, I just was confessing my sins. It was the ironic timing.

Okay, Ricky doesn't go in until he does his sin. You gotta do a sin or else we're not putting you over the wall.

Yeah, you gotta do a sin, but it's gotta be as bad or worse than something that like, I don't know, say the bad news gang would do.

No.

In a scene it happens? During a scene it happens?

Yeah. You never safe from the bad news gang. We've been trying to get into heaven for 40 years. 40 years.

Wait a second. Wait a second. I just watched that one of the bad news gang come out of heaven.

Who? Me? Yeah, he was a good guy. Yeah, guys. Hey, how's it going? I mean, I missed you guys. Are you gonna be able to get to heaven anytime soon? Yeah, we're trying.

I died on prom night. I died on prom night. I died on prom night.

New merch. Hey, we've only done two riddles, but at least we found an episode title.

You guys, sometimes when we say stuff like, I died on prom night, I think about the three-star review we got in maybe like 2019. That was like, it's like if three Family Guy writers were not good enough to write for Family Guy. And we were like, oh, ow, ow, ow, we've been shot. Why three stars though? Why not one star?

We all dated Emilia Clarke.

You guys, I've been thinking a lot about how Big Bird was almost on The Challenger. And I brought that up to Zorp and he's like, that's almost as if Grover died on 9-11. And that made me laugh quite hard. Because how do you play that?

Which do you think is the bigger tragedy? Seth MacFarlane on the 9-11 plane or Big Bird on the Challenger?

Big Bird on the Challenger.

I think Big Bird on the Challenger would traumatize an entire generation. I also think Elmo in Tiananmen Square walking up to the tank. I think that would be pretty traumatic.

All these Sesame Street characters were at the worst tragedies in human history of the 20th and 21st century.

I think if we don't have Family Guy, we don't have Rick and Morty. And then, you know, it's like... And then who are we? You're telling me we don't have Seth MacFarlane or Justin Roiland? Like, who, you know, how is society going to keep going on?

Yeah.

What are white men my age going to think is funny?

Who knows? Who knows? Who knows?

Cookie Monster on the Zapruder film.

Hey, you know what? Let's go for a break though, right? There's a few more.

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Hey Riddle Riddle. You guys, I just remembered something that I... Well, first of all, I tried to take a picture of it, but it was... I'll explain in a second, but it's one of those situations where the picture that I took just didn't quite capture it. Welcome back to Riddle And I saw this license plate cover, you know the thing that like covers your license plate? And it was a, it just said browsers.com. It was just a browsers.com.

Oh brother.

License plate cover. Oh browsers.

Oh browsers.

And I could see him like in the rear view mirror and he looked to be like a relatively probably young-ish white guy with an empty car, no one else in the car with a browsers license plate cover. Man, what does it take for you to put, you have to put that on your car. Or is it like one of those joke things where like his friends were like, hey let's put a browser's license plate cover on his car and see if he notices.

One day they'll study his brain. I assume.

But my first thought was like when he cut in front of me was like, oh what an asshole. And then my second thought when I saw that was, yeah. Who else but an asshole? Sure.

Erin, have you seen Band of Brozzers?

Yeah, Jimmy Fallon's in it. Isn't that crazy?

David Schwimmer and Band of Brozzers? Okay.

Okay. Let's get into some real big riddles. Some RBRs. I cannot be seen. I cannot be touched. You won't hear me and you can't feel me, but I can improve your day. What am I?

Post on Prom Night.

Okay, I heard luck and I heard... What was the other one?

Prom night ghost.

On prom night. Prom night ghost. Okay, I do want to see this scene. Okay. Erin and JPC, you're both at prom, you're each other's date, and I just want to see the origin story of one of you becoming one of those prom night ghosts that are so prominent in the news today.

Uh, Misty? I know we didn't come here as dates, but I was wondering if I could snag one dance with you?

Wow, no one's asked me to dance all night. I thought this was so stupid to come to prom alone and just try to have a good time, and I haven't been having a good time, but Nick, you coming up to me asking me for a dance? Okay, I want to say yes, but before we do this, can we both just, like, put our cards on the table? We're not, like, working with anyone else trying to, like, prank the other person and embarrass them, right?

Misty, you think me, the captain of the football team, would ask you to dance under the big, um, what is it, disco ball that's been rigged to fall on someone? You think I would do such a thing?

Yeah, I kind of hate asking, but it's just that, like, I know that the school has a tradition of the captain of the football team, like, asking kind of the, you know, homely, shut-in girl to, like, dance. And there's always, like, a big prank. I just know it happens every year at this school. And I know that this situation's different because, like, I can't really think of why it would be different but I don't want to not trust you Nick it's just that like right like you understand the circumstances and how I might be like a little distra- I don't want to sound like am I making too big of a deal of this

Me, a classically bad guy, doing such a thing? Wow, Misty Misty Misty. Misty Misty Misty Misty Misty. Gestures towards friends, she's figured it out. Misty Misty Misty, I don't know what you're... Stands right under Disco Ball. Disco Ball falls on hit Nick. Splatters through a thousand pieces. Sort of floats up. I'm a prom night ghost.

Hold on, hold on. Was the prank a disco ball full of cement? That's not a prank. You were gonna kill me?

Well, now I've learned my lesson. You guys, we have to prank Misty in a different way.

You're a thousand pieces. You're all over everyone. Thank you! A musical guest.

DJ looks on the dance floor, sees dead kids, still plays Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight.

Plays Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight.

I do think if I have my druthers, if I'm able to muster it, I want my final words to be, musical guest.

Do you think that Don Pardo who talked like a ghost in life, like died, went to heaven and was like, hey guys, what's up? It's me, Don Pardo. I don't have to talk like a ghost up here.

I'm glad that he's in heaven.

I assume. I assume. I don't know anything about Don Pardo as a man. I don't know what he did.

I don't know anything about heaven.

I haven't read any of the books about the little kids who like, you know, die for three seconds and then go to heaven and then read a book. I haven't read those books yet. Yet. I will.

Wait for three seconds, go to heaven, what is this?

What is this? There's like books that are written by parents who have had a kid who was like, I died and went to heaven. They were heart-stopped or something, they were in some accident and then they came back. People that have had near-death experiences. I think there's a pretty famous example of a hoax where a kid's parents faked he died for a minute and went to heaven and described what he saw in a heaven story.

Are they talking about dreams? Because I have those.

No, I think it's like a kid who went on Dr. Phil like back in the day who was like described what heaven was like and it was... You know, a little kid's understanding of heaven, but his parents sold a New York Times bestselling book off of it. And then, of course, people were like, this is a scam. This kid didn't actually even die or whatever.

I'm so sorry to interject, but have you heard the story that this happened to Gary Busey? He got in a motorcycle accident and claims he saw heaven, and then he was on a movie set with an extra, and he was complaining that this doesn't look like What

That is fucking incredible.

Casey, that sounds like my hell. Hell is Gary Busey and an extra fighting over heaven.

They were both wrong. It was hell.

When you have a Gary Busey movie, you don't even screen the extras for weirdos because you're like, no one's going to be weirder than Gary Busey. We got this. Everyone just let them all on set. He's a Crispin Glover of actors. This is why Hollywood doesn't have extras anymore. This is why every scene takes place inside and every person that you don't see has like four hands because they're all made by AI. Because one extra got in a fistfight with Gary Busey over what the real heaven was like and he ruined it for everybody else.

I cannot be seen, I cannot be touched. You won't hear me, and you can't feel me, but I can improve your day. What am I? Air conditioning. Oh, you're kind of close.

A cold wind on a hot day.

A breeze. Getting colder. That's a terrible answer for you to have for me to say getting colder. But getting colder in a bad way. Getting further from the right answer. So it's not air conditioning. But it's something, it's like, it tethers to an appliance in the house and it's something like wind or something where you can't really see it.

Is it like microwaves? Yes. Oh, like a microwave.

Microwave particles.

Oh. Wow.

Finally, the answer to a riddle is microwave particles.

Well, you know what? This makes me think though, this riddle is not for everyone because I don't think that, does it say that this makes your day better?

It says, I can improve your day, and the example- I guess I can. So the example it gives for why it improves your day is, it can cook your lunch.

I don't fuck with microwaves. I just don't think I trust anything that like- I'd like to see a scene. Heats things so quickly, and so like, microwaves make things like molten hot, like instantly. It's weird.

Do you see? Yes. You are on a date with a microwave played by Adal, and it's not going well.

I think I'm just gonna get the check. I obviously... Oh no! Nah, I just don't think that... I don't think we're a good fit. Is it something I did, or...? I'm

I should get going.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to press your buttons. Sorry, reach across the table and press a couple of these.

Hey, whoa, you can't do that in here. Sorry, that's public indecency. Sorry. We're really cracking down at the restaurant.

I'm wearing pants.

Still, still, still. You can't just be metaphorically reaching down a Shrek's pants in this. It's a nice restaurant, okay? No shirt, no shoes, no sex, no service.

Metaphorically reaching down a Shrek's pants?

What is the metaphor? Because that just seems like straight up the thing that you're... I don't think there's any subterfuge there.

No PDA in here, guys. Seriously.

He's been opening his door all dinner, but that's not... That's fine, because he's doing it to himself, but as soon as I reach over and touch one button... I didn't know that was sexual.

I thought the buttons were sexual. I didn't know the door was sexual.

Oh, one of the buttons is.

Alright, please, guys, you're gonna have to leave.

I was trying to leave. I've been doing that asshole thing where I take two fingers and try to get the check for like 20 minutes.

Oh, ew, ew, ew. Two fingers? Don't tell me what you guys do. I don't want to know what you guys do. Two fingers?

It doesn't have to be two. It could be three.

It could be... This is a tilted kilt. I thought this kind of stuff played here.

Yeah, you can't fuck at a tilted gilt.

No, not anymore.

What's this world coming to? Not anymore? Not anymore. I want to speak to the manager.

Oh, I guess it's your lucky day because I'm the freaking manager. I'm the freaking manager. Shit.

Shit. Is there like a district supervisor?

Yeah, you want to talk to him?

Is he here? I know they probably rotate, they have like many stories, but is he or they have some gender. Yeah, he's here. Yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to talk to him for a minute if I could. Yeah, bring him out, please.

Okay, here he is.

Hey everybody, I'm Nick. I'm the district manager. How is everybody's meal? Nick, pants on! What are you doing, Nick? Oh man, I forgot my pants. I guess someone's gonna have to fuck me. Seems like competing messages from the different management levels at the Tilted Kiln.

Yeah, I don't know.

Is that what those are called? Tilted kilt, right? There's a thing called that.

I don't even know what you're talking about. I don't know what that is.

I feel like there was a whole litany of places that opened after Hooters was successful that was like Twin Peaks, maybe? Yeah. Where it was like, oh, like Bresser Mountains. And then I thought there was one that was called Twisted Kilt or Tilted Kilt.

Tilted Kilt. Something Kilt.

Where the women wear like plaid skirts or something.

Yeah. Yes. I mean, there was another one that I can't fucking think of. I don't know. Yeah, but there were a bunch of those.

Just sort of all piggybacking off the success of Houdini's restaurant.

Theme restaurants, and the theme was what if we make the all-female waitstaff dress in like tube tops and shit. Yeah.

I love it. I think Houdini's has a thing where people can be like, oh, but I love the wings. I think Tilted Kilt's like parking.

There's always parking.

Yeah, okay.

It's right next to a Circuit City. You can park at the Circuit City and walk over. They won't tow you.

Very much channeling Tim Robinson there, JPC. I like that a lot. They won't tow you. All right, let's go to another riddle here. I can be high or low. I can run fast or slow. I am needed both by the president and the kid down the street. What am I? Is this air-conditioning?

I feel like a lot of these are air-conditioned. Now I got air-conditioning on the brain and it's just the only thing that works. My air-conditioning was out like three days ago. I don't know if that could do it.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, forgive me. I didn't grow up with this. Or I did, but I just never read it. What's the school bus thing? What are you about to do to me? What's the school bus that shrinks down? Magic School Bus? Magic School Bus. Erin, you're like the woman who does Magic School Bus, but you have like a van. Miss Frizzle. Okay, got it. You're like a Miss Frizzle, but you have a van and it's sort of a two-bit operation. But you are taking your class, played by JPC and I, inside a air conditioner to show them how it works.

Erin, he didn't know the name of the magic school bus or Miss Frizzles or I don't know, Mushu Mulan situation going on over here.

I mean, to me, it's just a ripoff of Inner Space, which I grew up with.

Okay, kids, I know I've gotten two strikes ever since I took you inside a human body without getting permission slips from your families.

That man exploded when we resized.

We all remember. Thomas, we all remember. Look at me.

We all remember, okay? Yeah, we still have to do the court-mandated therapy to try to process what we saw.

Mrs. Brumple is gonna shrink us down once again and we're gonna learn how the inside of an air conditioner works right before the summer.

The judge took your shrink ray away. The judge said you couldn't use it anymore. The judge has their...

You guys are being very funny today. No one's raising their hands though. This is still school. The judge has their address publicly online and doesn't really lock their second-story windows.

Yeah, you sent the judge a pizza? I did. You sent the judge a pizza with a note that said, enjoy? The judge took the Shrek ray home?

Uh, yeah.

Why?

If you got access to a shrink ray, you'll sort of fold for anything. Anyways kids, we're gonna shrink ourselves now. We're gonna go inside of an air conditioning inside the judge's house. And then we're going to resize and the house will hopefully explode!

Mrs. Frumple, Mrs. Frumple, you're just sort of driving into the front door of this house and then backing up and driving in.

You think you could have a normal day with Miss Frumple? No way! Cruising out down Main Street and I'm going to a bar with these children. What? What?

Won't you let go from the school?

Oh, Mikey. Semantic, semantic, semantics.

Mikey.

I'll uppercut you in the nose if you speak again.

She'll do it. She'll do it.

Here we go. Beep beep. Have a good time.

Mrs. Rumpel's maybe my new favorite character. Mrs. Rumpel's magic school van. Vocational school van.

Vocational school van.

None of you kids are going to do anything except for some sort of service industry job.

It's incredibly risky to drive a school bus like into a human body. I mean that's like Yeah, the whole idea of resizing inside of someone. You guys.

The fumes alone.

Not to add to any sort of body paranoia you're already having. If people have like health OCD like I do, I don't want to add to this, but I'm starting to feel a little bit uneasy that there could be a school bus filled with children inside me at any given moment. Like, I can't be sure that they're not like in my bloodstream right now.

Yeah. Erin, open your mouth and let's see if we, let's listen for tiny screams. We would be able to pick it up on the microphone.

To me, it's liberating, Erin, knowing that there could be a tiny school bus inside of me explaining to children about the inside of my body, and it's like not even affecting me, you know?

It's like the fact that— Oh, it's—whatever's inside you is definitely affecting you.

Oh, well, yeah. I mean, it's like affecting me.

Whatever brain worm you have.

But I'll never know life without it, right? Like, I'll never know— I'll never know what the other option could have been to not be infected by a school bus full of shrieking children.

Maybe that's what we all have in common. We're trying to figure out why we're all broken in the same way. Maybe there's a school bus filled with children inside all of us.

I'd like to think that there's hundreds of school buses inside me with just little skeletons. Yeah. They couldn't get out. There's something beautiful about that. Yeah.

Something about my body where... They keep sending school buses full of people in to like find the other school bus. They're just all getting lost.

Rescue search teams. There's a bunch of dead dogs.

You know that video of like the circle where it starts with like a couple at a picnic and it zooms out and then it goes back and it zooms in and it's just like, well, it's space and like in the stuff inside this is all the same. It's like that, but everybody is inside like a, there's someone inside of a school bus inside them, inside them, inside them.

I think if there were a school bus full of children in my body to, like, learn about the human body, those kids are all getting, like, a C- on their test. Like, I can imagine that they're going in and the teacher's the whole time is like, I shouldn't be here. That's not right.

Because canonically, the bee from Bee Movie is inside your stomach.

Did you guys fucking see, I saw the other day the goddamn Bee movie is back free on streaming. You're joking.

I was so goddamn mad. I think our review crew pushed it over the edge where they're like, three new viewers? Guys, guys.

We're so back.

It's like in Coming 2 America when they call back the two guys from Trading Places and they are given money and he's like, Randolph, Randolph, we're back. It's akin to that. A very specific reference.

Did anyone watch the animated Transformers movie from last year?

No.

I heard it was good. It's good. We watched it last night. It's pretty good. But Keegan-Michael Key is in it, and he makes an A.A. Ron joke in that movie. And I was like, that's fun. It's fun because it was either written... It's fun if he did it for himself. It's less fun if someone wrote it for him and they were like, hey, how about an A.A. Ron joke? And he's like, all right, man.

Yeah.

Let me do my own callbacks. But if he got to put it in himself, then it's fun.

I need to watch that. Well, speaking of things we need to do, I think we need to hear a voicemail. Casey?

I would love to.

Voicemail.

That's so funny.

What if a doo-wop group got hit on the head? We have a voicemail here. Thank you for that theme song. That was from...

That's from Chris Finke, a longtime submitter of voicemails. I think that this one is Finke saying, this theme is an idea that I think is very funny, but nobody else seems to agree. Not sure if you could identify with that in any way. No, I think it's funny. I like it.

That has another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

Somebody once told me, somebody once told me. I guess we're the exact right people to think something like that is funny.

So maybe we can't identify.

We can't identify because we think things like that are funny and no one else does.

Let's listen to this voicemail and then we'll go back to the riddle we didn't solve.

Oh my God. Hey Clue Crew, it's Annie. I was wondering, What do you think I should do for my next job? I'm transitioning to a new job and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, so figured I would ask the experts. All right. Love you guys. Have a good one. Bye.

Annie, thank you for your voicemail. This is a little tough because you don't give us any sort of resume or skill sets or special skills.

So we're going to go with prom night ghost.

I think prom night ghost or coachable sandwich.

Yeah, coachable sandwich I think would be good.

Teacher with a shrink ray.

I will say, if you love where you work, you'll never work a day in your life. So, make love, not war, at work.

Okay.

What about office administrator?

Yeah. That's vague enough to where, yeah.

With something like that, I don't feel like you're taking your work home with you. Choose something where you don't have to think about it when you're not doing it.

Here's the thing, and this is the thing that kind of sucks. It is hard to, like, call what will be, like, a good high-paying job in a future industry by the time you're, like, finished training and preparing for that job. Because it's like, it used to be like, you know, 10 years ago, you'd just be, like, software developer. Welcome back.

Hey Riddle

Yeah, obviously the most beautiful man of all time held that job, Harrison Ford, before he became an actor. Get off my plane. Get off my desk. And then two... Get off my Red Hulk. Their name is Annie. Annie. Was Annie... Erin, you might know this. Was Annie a professional orphan?

I think so.

I mean, Danny Warbucks was loaded, right?

Yeah, she's she definitely manipulated that situation. Yeah, I would say professional. That's not even her real hair.

Based completely off your name, I would say, Annie, get your gun. You know what I'm saying?

Join the army.

Join the army. This is good advice.

My advice to you is to join the army. Annie, I hope that helps. And if it doesn't, call us back with what your interests or skills are.

We'll take another whack at it. Adal, what riddle were we doing?

I can be high or low, I can run fast or slow. I am needed both by the president and the kid down the street. What am I?

And it's not air conditioning like I said earlier. Not a shower. Air conditioners and showers both use this.

Water!

It is water. I can be high or low, I can run fast or slow. I am needed both by the president and the kid down the street.

What does high or low mean?

I don't know.

Um, Adal, anything to plug?

I want to plug, speaking of water, I saw a thing where they're like, they made like a supercomputer with like water, where it's called like wet, wet AI or something. Yeah. Where it's like, it's like brain cells in water. It's doing something. I just want to, I want to unplug that.

Yeah.

I think that's going to be the downfall of us. I, I read the article, um, or skimmed it at least. It's, it's, it sent, it gave me goosebumps that it sent chills down my spine.

Sounds more like a skim. When does this episode come out?

The 25th. Some of it might be past already, but I have

Oh, no, I think maybe no. I have a wet bus show while I'm in Chicago. I'm going to be doing some improv when I'm back in Chicago generally. If you live in Chicago and you want to come out and you just message me and I'll try to get you a comp to whatever I'm in. But if you live in LA, I host a show called Quality Time that you can follow on Instagram. It's a true variety show. The June one is tonight. We have a death doula coming. We always have music and comedy, but we also have a mix of other things if you're ever in town and you're interested in seeing that. GBC, any review to read or anything to plug?

Yes, something to plug. First up, a little tour update. Our show in Chicago this Friday night, so the one that's happening in like two days, we still have like five tickets left for that show. So if you didn't get your ticket yet, but you still want to come to that show, you can probably still snag one of those last tickets. Our show in Minneapolis slash St. Paul on Sunday night, that one is sold out. So if you didn't get your tickets, sorry. But we added a Monday show the next night. So that is the 30th, Monday the 30th in St. Paul, same place. There are still plenty of tickets left for that show and that's going to be a fun one because we're going to be kind of doing an unofficial review crew of the Mall of America at that show. And then later next month, the end of the next month, there's still a few tickets left for Portland, Seattle, and you can always get livestream tickets for LA. I think there's still some in-person ones left for LA as well, but you can get livestream tickets too. And I think we still have tickets left for everything else for the rest of the year except Nashville. Nashville is sold out. So if you're in Nashville, maybe you're out of luck, or maybe drive to Atlanta. Well, hey, we'll certainly be doing it, so you probably can too. And then, I never plug this on the show, but if you are a Review Crew subscriber, we are doing our monthly livestream tomorrow on the 26th. It's gonna be at 6 p.m. Central. And that one we're gonna all be in person for, so I think that'll be fun.

And that one I'm not gonna fall for the Ryan Reynolds photo.

Erin, you are, and I cannot wait to show you how you're going to fall for it in person. I know, I know, I've thought a lot about it, Erin. Yeah, no, you can't stop it. Basically, I've engineered it so you can't stop it.

40 chest.

Ryan Reynolds chest. Yeah, but Erin, I'm excited to see your face.

No.

In person.

No, Jupiter, no. No. No.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif. And John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. And Arnie Perrins in the music.

Hey there, catas and gories. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's the return of Jep Ritty with Janet Varney. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a headgum podcast.