Which Riddle Riddle?

Hey Riddle Riddle.

What the heck? How did this episode get here? Huh? What? Who? Huh?

Erin, you bonked your head so hard. You saw that, right?

That looked really bad, right?

Yeah, but also, this was your idea. You said, hey, why don't we release one of our live shows from last year on the main feed to promote the tour that we're doing in 2025. Erin, this was your idea.

Coming, huh?

Erin, you keep bonking your head so hard and then waking up pretending to be wildly confused and thinking that you're in a different time period.

What is this magic box?

That's a TV. You're looking at a TV.

You're looking at a TV?

Well, Erin, since you seem to forget, your idea was that, like, we had a lot of fun at our East Coast tour last year. So we're going to take some of those episodes that we never released before now, and we're going to release one on the main feed. Everyone's going to have access to it. And that might make people want to come and see us live. And then they can go to heyriddleriddle.com slash live.

And the link will be in the Yeah. Yeah.

Buy tickets if they're still available because they're selling fast to our tour this year.

Yeah.

That was the premise.

So get them while they're still available. Right. Yeah. But I'm going to... Sorry, folks.

I've been I've been sitting over there. I just I have to say something. Of course, my name is Dr. McIntyre. I'm Erin's doctor. Erin, I've... Obviously you called me over and I've been looking at you and giving you some tests. If you bonk your head one more time, I'm afraid that you will never be able to solve riddles again.

So please know- Sir, I don't remember ever meeting you before. Bonks head on purpose against the wall. No more riddles. Peace in my brain. I finally have some peace in my brain. Sorry, I said you won't be able to solve riddles.

Not that you won't be able to hear riddles.

Oh my God. Some brain matter is coming out of my nose.

Opens umbrella, floats out chimney.

He was a nanny the whole time. Anyways, this is a live episode of one of our shows. Come see us live.

He looked like the Lorax, though. Am I wrong? He did. I wanted to say something. Big Wilford Brimley mustache. Also, Erin, can I just say, having a flying magical umbrella does not a nanny make. Yes, it does. That is an outlier for a nanny.

Yes, it does.

No, no, no. Oh, yeah. My nanny has a flying magical umbrella. Yours doesn't?

I have a, I got a parasol this weekend at the Ren Fair because it was so hot and it kept almost blowing away and I'm like, if I blow away, let me go. It means I got to go nanny some kids and teach them a lesson.

Erin's got parasol on the parasol-ing, parasailing, parasol-ailing. Parasol-ing.

Come see us live. Bye.

Better call parasol.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Arnie Parrott. And Erin Keif has brought me from my beautiful home in Chicago to play for you a song you may know. Where it began I can't begin to know when But when I heard it's going strong Was in the spring Then spring became the summer Who could have known you'd come along? Hands, touching hands. Reaching out, touching me. Sweet Caroline, good times never seem so good. I've been inclined to believe they never would. Thank you so much for coming to the first ever Hey Riddle Riddle Live show in Boston, Massachusetts. Every inch of this show you will see this evening is handcrafted by none other than Boston's own Erin Keif. Including the songs that I am singing, the clothes that we are wearing, and the various and sundry Boston-related bits she has demanded we do. Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. And I've been inclined to believe there never would. But now I have just one question. Are you guys fucking ready for a show? I'm sorry, I'm gonna do something I saw at a Patriots game. I'm gonna put my hands to my ears and I'm gonna ask the same question. Are you guys ready for a show? Well, then let's fucking go.

Erin fucked us. Erin fucked us.

There's got to be like six people here that watch sports.

I think I flipped off all six of them. On behalf of JPC and I, we love the New York Yankees. We love catcher Ben Rice. We love left field Alex Verdugo. We love center field Jiz Chasholm. Jazz Chisholm. Freudian Jiz. We love Aaron Judge.

Hey, these guys have worked hard to become professional athletes. They might not deserve your respect, but they don't deserve your booze.

Oh wait, there's a letter that says... Yeah, where the fuck is the letter? Adal plus JPC. Ugh. Also, does your hat have a sticker with your age on it? Mine does.

Okay, let's see. I don't even know what the fuck mine means. What the fuck is New Jersey? Doesn't make any sense. All right, it's a letter from Erin. It says, Dear Adal, JPC, and the great people of Boston. You know, we're not in Boston. Everybody's saying Boston. This is not Boston.

This is Somerville?

This is Somerville. Somerville.

Who's here from Cambridge? Anybody here from Hingham? Who went to Harvard? Honestly, the people who did are so smart, they knew not to clap.

Big Boston College crowd here. Okay, there's nothing wrong with that. Hey, how are you? That's good. I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the show. What the fuck? I would have absolutely loved to watch the people of Boston against Somerville kill you with their fists for wearing Yankees gear. Oh, that's what this is. Pretty insane that I did that, huh? You could have died. I put my friends in some real danger. Fundamental misunderstanding of our crowd. Who comes to see these shows? Sports fans, violent people. The Venn diagram of our fans, and that's a null set. Any hoodle, it would have been a dream to attend our first ever Boston live show, but I flew back here and got a little distracted. I remember that mom ride at Jordan's Furniture existed. And I had to go check to see if it was still open. Who remembers Jordan's Furniture? Is Jordan here? On Mother's Day of 1992, the Motion Odyssey movie, a.k.a. Mom, opened at Jordan's Furniture after five years of planning and a $2.5 million investment. It's a theme ride originally produced by George Lucas? Does anyone remember this? It was like 4DX before 4DX existed? And it happened at a furniture store? Why did a furniture store do this? I'm reading her letter. I know how much you guys love 40X movies, so I had to go and see. Oh, because we didn't get invited to it? A phone call, a text. Turns out it stopped in 2018 or whatever. But does anyone else remember Barry and Elliot from the Jordan's Furniture ads? Are Barry and Elliot here? No, it says they're deceased. Oh, and don't mention that. Okay. Are people here too young to remember both the brothers? One left the company in 2006 or something to produce Broadway shows? Is this common knowledge? No, I guess it's not. I thought they had some big falling out. I hope they're okay and still get along. What am I reading? Also, I just remembered Bernie and Philz. Is that like Ben and Jerry's, but Boston? They had the better theme song. I'm too scared to Google if they are still alive. Wait, let's Google it. Yeah, Bernie and Philz. Quality, comfort, and price. That... Okay. It didn't say that they would finish, but they did. You would not believe how Philz is spelled. Bernie right on the nose. Philz, anyway, enjoy your time in Boston. Love always, Erin. She's not really, is she not?

She's passing out Dunkin' Donuts?

Is she wearing fucking sunglasses? It's nighttime. We're indoors. While Dropkick Murphys plays? No. Don't give donuts to the balcony people. Oh my God. She went up into the balcony. Wow. All right, I guess.

Wow, that guy really wanted a donut. He reached over people to get a donut.

How many donuts does she have?

This is like Jesus and his fish. A dozen donuts fed 400 people.

Don't fall, Erin. Do not fall. Erin, it's not worth it.

Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.

She's shaking hands with some older members of the audience.

She had a whole song to get on stage. There's another song? How many songs do we have to... Oh my god. She's out of donuts. Stay seated. Stay seated.

Webster's Dictionary defines pander as intransitive verb to act as a pander, especially to provide gratification for others' desires.

Well, I'm tuckered out. That's about all the energy I had for this.

You know Erin's Old Man Puzzles when the first ten minutes of the show is that.

Just a heads up, I did Google Bernie and Phil dead and it's the saddest, I'm not gonna read it aloud, it is legit the saddest thing I've ever seen. If you've ever seen the documentary Dear Zachary, this is sadder than Dear Zachary.

You have to read it. No! No! I'll read it. No!

This is truly the saddest thing I've ever seen.

You're right, you're right. Wait, we'll save it as a little treat. No! Okay, anyways, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle! That was the best ten minutes of my life. I tried to find the row that's my family. Usually in high school when I was doing like a musical or whatever, I would find the row.

You did that in high school as well?

Yeah, I did. In Sweeney Todd, I just came out and did that for 10 minutes.

Fleet Street!

But the way I find my family is I look for the row of glasses because they all have terrible eyesight. I'm like, oh, my family's here. Thanks guys for coming. My whole family's here. And my aunt Barbara came on her birthday, so happy birthday to my aunt Barbara.

Wow, happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Barbara. Happy birthday to you.

And as a treat, as maybe a special little treat, let's have Aunt Barbara read that article. No.

No. No.

What was I going to say? Oh, I'm so happy to be here. This is sort of a dream come true. I've been talking about this for six years, and the fact that anybody showed up means so much to me. So thank you for being here. I do feel really bad that I made you guys wear what you're wearing, so I decided I'm going to let you earn some Red Sox clothes by answering riddles correctly.

Wow, normally I don't like to make more waste, but I'd gladly throw away two t-shirts tonight.

This is one of the worst riddle books I've ever read. So these are impossible to get.

Damn, you're just getting into it.

Yeah. Oh, should we talk about?

This is both the most you and the least you I've ever seen you.

I know. Well, do you want to talk about bullshit for a little bit?

We should talk, well, not bullshit. We should talk about Boston.

OK, let's talk about Boston. What do you want to talk about? Are you having fun?

Are you doing Mark Wahlberg?

What are you talking about? Ask your mother. What do you want to talk about? You got in today. You got in last night.

I got in yesterday morning, but I slept 13 hours.

We thought you were dead.

I woke up to texts from my sister, my wife, and Erin all thinking I was dead. And I know to give you 24 hours to respond.

Because I don't know which 10-hour period is a sleep time for you.

I ran over a witch's child, and since then... Classic Boston.

I forgot to ask this, who has never heard of our show before and never heard an episode? A couple people from my family, a couple significant others.

Aunt Barbara raised her hand real fast.

And I went to Harvard too, should I say now?

Oh I heard that, that was very funny. My dad, not to throw my dad under the bus, but my dad said that he gave us a shot for the first year and he hasn't listened since. He hears bits and pieces when my mom listens, and that's plenty. Well, we're a riddles and puzzles podcast, if you haven't heard us before.

If you've never been to a live show before, we are going to read riddles, and we're going to try our best to answer them. The one rule we have, there's probably more than one, but the one I'm going to talk about is don't shout out answers to the riddles. If you think that you know the answer to the riddle, I want you to look to the person next to you and go,

You don't have to say anything, but it could be like a... Just look smug. Yeah. And we'll give you a thumbs up. Something I thought that's fairly important, if you don't mind. Sure. Just to take 20 seconds. Of course, yeah, yeah. Backstage, Erin approached me. I'm Because I'm so scared to do it in front of these people. And I just thought that was the sweetest thing in the world. And she said, I said, I'm going to tell everybody that. And she goes, don't.

And here we are. Well, I'll try one, but later.

OK.

I'll read that article in a Boston accent at the end of the show.

Again, we've got to move on from the article.

It is desperately sad. I cannot wait for you to hear it. So this first one's kind of easy.

OK. OK.

And it starts with this fun thing where it goes, now for a riddle. As if this whole book isn't riddles. Now for a riddle. Thank God they had a person looking pensive on the front. What has rivers but no water, cities, but no buildings, and forest but no trees?

Weezer? What has Weezer but no water? River but no water, that would be my own private Idaho.

No.

It's got rivers but no water, cities but no... cities?

Cities but no buildings, and forests but no trees. And this is a riddle, so it's annoying.

Do your parents care if we curse?

Uh, yeah. Never stopped me, though. Only encouraged me to curse more.

Can we say Boston curse words? Slurs.

No. And that's commentary. And we're hearing that. And we're learning. We know. We know who we are.

Is it a freaking map? It's a map. It is a map. Wow.

Freaking too.

I'll wait till I have the full outfit. Honestly, I would trade everything I'm wearing for a Jizz Chasim jersey.

We'll get you one when we get there. His first name, please. To go. Okay.

Do you have any players with the last name Jizz? It's not a difficult request.

I don't know why I'm being asked to leave. I've never been asked to leave a website before. I thought this was a chat bot. Close your browser.

This one is called Bottled Up and this is one of my favorite riddles I've read in a long time.

Oh, is this a Sara Bareilles song?

Speaking of songs, give it up again for Arnie Paris! He'll sing again. He'll be back. He might sing another song later. A cleaning woman asked the man she worked for if she could take home his empty bottles. When she got home, she threw them out. Why did she do this?

Insane. Oh yeah, crazy insane. She's like the Joker.

Yeah, it says she's like the Joker. You want to know how I got these bottles? This is impossible to get.

Oh, he says you. Yeah.

Yeah, this is bad.

I'm so close to Harvard. I feel like my brain is growing four sizes. I feel like I'm siphoning off the smart. It's all being sucked off into my body. How close are we to MIT right now?

Close. Oh, earlier when I asked my friend Connor, I was like, can you run and grab some Dunkin' Donuts donuts for me? I think there's one close, and he was like, there's one 600 feet away. He immediately knew. He was like, I know exactly where Dunkies is. OK, so what is the answer to this? I'll read it one more time. A cleaning woman asked the man she worked for if she could take home his empty bottles. When she got home, she threw them out. Why did she do that?

Did he say yes or did she ask him and he was like kind of like vague about it and she was like, well, I don't know. Do I take him home now? We had the conversation.

Yeah, it's that nuanced.

I don't remember an exact yes, but we talked about it.

Did this woman work for Howard Hughes when he was in his later period of life?

No.

Okay. Because he like walked around in Kleenex boxes and pissed in bottles and people would try and take it and he goes, not my bottles.

Look it up. This one, I think he gave her the bottle. He gave her the bottle.

She said you have it. And this man is at the end of his life or is that something that you added?

That's something he added. I think we're getting lost in the sauce here.

Is this like a recycling situation?

Hey Riddle Riddle

Erin, you are in service to a person you clean someone's house. JPC, you are that person. That was the weirdest way I've ever heard that phrase.

That sentence made me dizzy.

That was like... I feel like I was sitting next to Mitt Romney.

No, don't do this. Don't just say proper nouns that they might know.

I feel like I'm in a Bain Capitol right now.

Lower.

Lower. JPC, you are Mickey Mouse. Do we change it? Do we change the scene or is this the same scene? Same scene. I'm just trying to punish you for what you said.

Got it. Oh. Sorry, do you want me to? I'm occupied. I mean, the door is wide open.

It's my house.

Great, yes, yeah, of course, of course.

And I'm done anyway.

I can't, when people are talking, I can't, so. Yeah, sorry, I, I, this is a little invasive. I'm just noticing as I'm cleaning your place. Did, did Minnie move out?

Yes, like this morning.

Right. I saw all of her stuff at Goofy's house and I was like, what the heck?

I always forget you sleep with Goofy.

I mean, I work. I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah.

Wait, what? What do you mean, yeah?

I mean, yeah. You work? I clean all the Disney characters' houses.

Okay, but you sleep with Goofy.

Yeah, so does Minnie. What's your point?

Well, I'm just, I didn't want it to seem like that's our arrangement because it's obviously not.

I know. Okay. We cut to Goofy's house.

Doors. Doors. Doors. My parents aren't here. Same. This is a cursed, cursed podcast. I'm gonna tell you the answer.

He was playing Helldivers 2. Okay. And he was about to get to the final... She took home the man's... Your dad's like, I might have to start fucking listening.

Uh, this shit's actually pretty funny.

No. Here's the answer to the riddle.

Goofy railing my daughter?

Here's the answer to the riddle. I knew they would do this, and I knew they would do this. And can I tell you something? In Chicago, we always talk about how there's a curse that any time you had a family member at the show, it would be the grossest improv you've ever done ever. But and I thought these two are professional. They have self-control and I the second I saw their fucking faces today I was like they're gonna do some shit.

I have to Venmo JPC $200 because I said he would not say what he just said.

Uh, she, here's the answer to the riddle. She took home the man's empty champagne bottles after a party. She then left them out- Don't say oh. Oh.

Someone said, ah, champagne bottles.

She then left them out with her garbage for collection in order to impress her neighbors. I'd like to see a scene.

Adal, uh- Oh, what the fuck? Adal, you're trying- Hey, you're an alcoholic, huh?

Adal, I'd like to say something. You are clearly putting out a bunch of fake trash to indicate that you had a really cool party to impress your neighbor, played by JBC.

Quiet as possible, quiet as possible. Big stretch, put down some Moet bottles.

Hey Jeff. Hey! Hey, sorry, do you need to use my trash cans? You're putting stuff in my trash cans.

Oh whoops, did I put it on top of the lid? Is that where the trash goes? I'm so drunk off Moet. That's okay. Uh, yeah. Seems like the person you think is a dumb bitch is actually pretty cultured. So I guess those emails will stop, huh?

Jeff, I guess I should apologize. I mean, I get pretty heated in those emails. It just seems like, you know there's a leash law, so it's just like if you could just abide by the leash law.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Well, this party I just had with this bottle of Moet was off the chain, so I don't know if that counts as off the leash.

But again, it's a leash law to be on the leash. It seems like you had a pretty big party last night.

Oh yeah. We all passed this bottle of Moet arounds? All hundred of us? Lot of celebrities. Name a celebrity. Who's your biggest crush? Anna Darms? She was there. She was there. Yep.

Ana de Armas was there.

Ana de Armas.

Well, that's truly very impressive. Yep. Yeah. Seems like you had a really great night with your bottle of Moet.

John Lake Mazamo. Arms and the legs. Ana de Armas, John Lake Zamamo. We all drank the one bottle of Moet, then we played spin the bottle. We all started not fucking, Erin. We all started drawing. OK. Yeah. Some of their parents were there. John Leguizamo's parents were at your party as well? Yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Leguimamo.

Hey man, I'm so glad to see you out in the neighborhood. I did like opposite of a noise complaint for your house last night. It was so quiet I was worried that you were dead.

Oh, um, interesting.

Yeah, he was just telling me he was actually had a party with Anadol Armis and John Leguizamo and John Leguizamo's parents last night and they drink this one bottle of Moet. Hey, I'm just trying not to die. Okay? He's in my garage.

Yeah, yeah. Is this about the leash?

What's that? The leash email? I guess so.

Okay.

I guess that's what it's about.

Well, good luck. Don't say good luck! Don't leave! So yeah, yesterday morning I had the president of Sonos come in and he sort of soundproofed our house.

That's probably why it sounded like the absence of... Why don't we, speaking of houses, why don't we all go in our houses and put our clothes on?

Scene. Thank you. Okay. Sorry, Aunt Barbara. She doesn't care. She's cool. They're all cool. They're all great. They're fine. Everything's fine.

Doesn't seem like it.

The way Erin said, she's cool. They're all cool. They also... What? What? Okay. Here's another riddle.

Okay.

The teacher gave Ben and... These names don't matter. The teacher gave Ben and Jerry a written test.

Can you use George and Phil?

Yes. Were those their names? I forgot their names already. The teachers gave Matt and Ben a written test. Ben read the test.

Hold on, Adal's just on Angel.

Now? My time is now? Can you wait another hour? Can you wait 80 minutes?

I'm sorry, every time Goofy comes.

To dinner, to dinner.

When we do a show in Indiana, I'm going to act like a monster. Oh, yeah.

OK. That's fine.

I wish I knew how to hurt you. You can't, though. You can't. Ben read the test.

My dad listens to the show.

He does?

I think so. That's good. Sometimes he texts me about shit that we haven't talked about, and I'm like, the podcast.

Oh, right.

You've heard it on the podcast.

Ben read the test then folded his arms and answered none of the questions. Matt carefully wrote out good answers to the questions. When time was up, Ben handed in a blank sheet of paper while Matt handed in his work. The teacher gave Ben an A and Matt a C. Why?

Can you read the first part of that riddle again?

Oh, it's so long. I'm so close to knowing this. The teacher gave Ben and Matt a written test. Ben read the test, then folded his arms and answered none of the questions. Got it. Matt carefully wrote out good answers to the questions. I just put so much of my mouth on the mic. I was so gross, I'm so sorry.

Don't say shit like that to me if you don't want me to say shit that you don't want your dad to hear.

Jerry, I read the wrong name again. Matt carefully wrote out good answers to the questions. When time was up, Ben handed in a blank sheet of paper while Matt handed in his work. The teacher gave Ben an A and Matt a C. Why?

Is it something where the test said, if you're thoroughly reading this, don't answer it? Yeah, disregard the test or something like that. Is it really?

If you made it to the end of the test, don't answer the questions.

Feel free to go and change.

I feel like that was an urban legend that I heard a lot when I was in school. They would put, like, read all the instructions carefully at the top of the test, and the very last question would be like, Don't worry about the test, it's on the house. That shit would never happen to me though. I would turn in the test and they'd be like, you wrote that thing at the end of the test that says, don't worry about the test. I'm like, no fucking way I wrote it. Prove it. It's in pencil. It's in pencil.

It's written in blood and you're bleeding. Do you want to try to get a riddle quick before Adal comes back?

Oh yeah, I'd love a quickie.

What took 19 years to get into itself?

Ugh. Are you sure? Oh man, how embarrassing.

That was an expensive shirt! Okay, what took 19 years to get into itself?

Erin, are you sure you want me to give the answer to this riddle in front of your family?

What was it?

What took 13 years to do?

What took 19 years to get into itself?

What took 19 years to get into itself?

The ska scene? This is actually a great riddle, I think.

What took 19 years to get into itself?

It's fun. This is a fun one.

I'm thinking like college admission because that takes about 19 years.

This is going to mess me up so bad.

To get into itself, like... I would think like the Ouroboros, because at first the Ouroboros is like, I don't want to... not my own tail. Yeah. And after like 19 years of like coming to terms and like philosophy and like emotional intelligence training. I want to see a quick scene, Adam.

This is the first day the Ouroboros decided just to try tasting their own tail. And Erin, you're like the moon or whatever. You're like his buddy, like the stars or whatever, who cares. And you don't have to fuck anybody or suck anything or whatever. You can just be the moon, like a non-sexual moon.

The moon is the most sexual of all the things in space, so take it easy. Go ahead, go ahead. Do your scene, do your scene.

Thanks for coming out tonight, moon. It's a big day for me.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hmm, that's a crazy thing to say to a treasured friend. Yeah, I would say I'm like full. I wouldn't say love myself.

You're a bit of a lunatic.

Hey, that's horrible. You're trying to hurt me.

No! You're the origin of the word.

Okay, I'm gonna get the sun in here. I sort of feel like I need to come back out. No, not the sun. Hey sun, do you have a minute?

Oh yeah.

You got the Raisin Bran, son? I did. Yeah?

What's up party people? Moon don't usually see you. Whoa, Ouroboros. What it do? Hey, do I have your wrong number?

I'm, like, always texting you, guy. Well, I talked to the night sky. You've been texting Aurora Borealis. Oh my God. Awkward city. Today's a big day, or tonight's a big night. Well, now it's day, I guess. Yeah, when I'm here, it's day. I'm going to finally complete the circle.

And we're here to support.

Oh, cool.

We get to watch?

Raising brand son. You have two strikes.

I'm working on my third. So maybe just some encouraging words as I sort of, um. OK.

Great. You got it.

Yeah. Go. Go. Go for it.

Get up. Get on that thing.

No. No. I wanted to make that joke. I wanted to be the one. Yeah. Oh, he's going to go change. What took 19 years to get into it, though?

This feels like it's like the Baseball Hall of Fame or something like that. Yeah, you're in the right track. There's like a... It's a book. It's a book?

And it took 19 years to get into itself.

It took 19 years to get into itself?

Oh, yes.

Is it the frickin' dictionary?

No.

Is it the encyclopedia?

No.

Is it the thesaurus?

No.

It's a book that took 19 years to get into itself. The Bible? No. Yay!

Uh-oh, let's punish Erin so she can't return this.

No! What's another very popular book?

Oh, angels and demons.

I mean, you wouldn't start with Angels and Demons. You'd start with the Da Vinci Code. It's the Da Vinci Code, right? Classic amateur move. Classic mistake not starting with the sequel.

This took 19 years to sort of... That's like a long time.

Not really.

Yeah, it's a long time.

No.

Yeah, so it's like a long time. And you have to... It took a while. So it was published and they had to sell a certain amount of copies. And once it sold enough copies, it went, I maybe set a record.

Is this the Guinness Book of World Records?

I kind of gave that one to you.

Should I give him a hat? What did it set the record for?

Did you ever say no? Second best-selling book of all time.

Second best-selling book of all time?

No one will ever know what the first one is.

No, I think we know. It's Angels and Demons.

Angels and Demons, number one with a bullet. Number two, Origins. Surprise. Number three, Deception Point. Surprise, surprise. Number four, Sapiens! Sapiens!

Here comes another dumb riddle. This one's really dumb.

Okay.

Why did Alexander the Great order all of his men to shave?

Okay, there's something about... so he could beard the best of them.

It's not like a fun wordplay joke.

What? Why not? I don't know. This has the setup of a fun wordplay joke. Could it be? Could we make it one?

I mean, if you can figure it, Mr. Puns, if you can figure that out.

Easy. Alexander the Great. What do we know about him? Greek? Okay. What do we know about Greeks? Kalamata olives? Easy. Now we just work backwards between Alexander the Great and Kalamata olives. Can't find a feta man? Is it can't find a feta man?

Yep. Can't find a feta man. That's a lot of fun.

Why did Alexander the Great? Oh, is it because Hannibal had elephants and Alexander the Great was like, we need a thing?

No. This is just sort of like actually think like logic.

Hey Riddle Riddle

Uh, beards. Beards are a practical thing for back then.

Bearded men could be grabbed by the beard in close combat.

What the fuck?

I'd like to see a scene.

I dare you. I dare you to show me one YouTube video or Vine.

A vine. Grandpa, vine burned down like seven years ago.

Of somebody in close quarters combat grabbing someone by the beard.

Are people making vines of close quarters combat?

If I had a close quarters combat instructor that was like, never have a beard for an opponent. They can use the beard against you. I'd be like, I think I need a new teacher. I think this guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

I'd like to see a scene. You two are on the battlefield and you're on opposite sides and you've sort of run out of ideas. So now you're just like sort of pulling each other's hair and resorting to some childlike behavior. Gotcha.

Well, my sword broke.

I actually killed the guy with my spear and it stayed in him. Well, okay then. I actually killed the guy with my spear and it stayed in him. All right, so... Hey, I have a question for you.

What?

How are you going to participate in the rest of the battle when I got your fucking nose?

Come on. Hey, come on.

Hey, come on. Surrender.

Hey, come on. Surrender if you want your nose back.

Come on. Surrender if you want your nose back.

Hey, come on. Stop. Hey, come on.

Surrender if you want your nose back.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, what are you going to do? Uh-oh, someone's got a finger in his tummy. Oh, someone's got a finger in his tummy. Uh-oh.

Circle, circle, dot, dot, motherfucker. What? Hey, time out, time out, time out. What? I'm sorry. I know that we said no chemical warfare, but... What the fuck?

Hey, real quick, real quick, real quick. I just gave you a cootie shot. Real quick. I'm 42. What is circle, circle, dot?

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you got a cootie shot.

No, cool. I understand all you soldiers are, like, under 40, but I'm saying I'm the general of this army. I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't think you're the general of this army. You're down here with all the just, like, regular guys.

Because I know, like, fudge fudge lemonade or whatever. Like, I know that stuff.

Fudge fudge? No, no, no. No, that's too much fudge.

Hey guys. Hey guys. We know it's fudge fudge lemonade, right?

You're making no sense. You're making no sense. You said that and the guy on the horse who appears to be the general looked the other way. That's one of your guys. That's not one of our guys.

That's one of your guys.

That guy looks an awful lot like you. That looks like maybe like a younger brother of yours.

Yeah, you guys are shirts and we're skins.

The horse is one of ours. The horse is one of ours. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We don't have any horses. Oh, I meant to tell you. Loser says what?

What?

We just won the war, you idiot. We just won the war. We just won the war. We just won the whole war, not just this battle. We just won the whole war.

Hey idiot, we just won the whole war.

We just won the whole war. Idiots!

All three of them are stabbed.

This is way better than recording in my closet. No one ever claps for me when I finish a scene.

I do think circle circle dot dot getting the cootie shot is good. It inoculates you against the cooties.

No, I think it injects you with cooties.

Can you show me how you do? I truly, I don't know. You would just do like circle, circle, dot, dot.

I'm sorry, you did not go to Harvard. What do you know? Neither did I. Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cooties.

Yeah, because otherwise it would imply that kids were going around injecting each other with cooties.

Yeah, but that's the point. That's the point? We weren't vaccinating each other against cooties.

Oh, I think we were. Did you go to an anti-vax school? Do you guys know... You gave my daughter the cootie shot? No, I have two minutes at this school board meeting. I'm going to use all of them.

Erin, say the word and I'll make Goofy come. No, don't. We can make this all go away. We can make this all go away.

Erin, you know the word that makes Goofy come? Say it, Erin, say it.

It's gorsh.

Gorsh!

Do you guys know... What is this?

Gorsh would be the worst word.

Every once in a while I black back into my life and I go, how did I get here? What is this?

Where am I? Do you guys know, in all sincerity, do you guys know Miss Susie Had a Steamboat? So some of my stuff trickled down.

Yeah, yeah. You created that? That was you?

You're working late in the lab on that one. Where is she?

Molly Keefe taught me that one.

Batmobile lost a wheel.

My sister Molly taught me that.

What else?

No, that's not believable. They'll never believe Batman would lose a wheel. Think, Adal, think.

Honestly, the Batmobile would never.

I forgot to keep track of time.

History's greatest detective. He would have backups on backups on backups for that.

Yes, they're carbon wheels.

A boxer left the ring after winning the world championship.

Boxer's a dog, it's a dog championship.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-

I saw a man I had never seen before but I immediately knew who he was. He was not famous and had never been described to me. He was not unusual, nor did he say anything unusual. How did I recognize him?

Name tag, Stamp.

Stamp?

This is a guy from Stamps. No. This is the upside down plane from the Stamps. This is a man from Stamps.

No, it is not.

This is like, I met a man from Stamps. This is one of those obscure historical figures like Jonathan Taylor Thomas or something like that.

Yeah.

Or is a man from Stapes?

Oh, Stapes.

Wow. Wow. I saw a man I had never seen before, but I immediately knew who he was.

Oh, this is like a dad.

No.

Oh, he looks like you and you're like, I'm adopted and this is my dad.

It's a twin. It's an identical twin. It is a twin.

Dads can be twins.

He was the identical twin brother of someone I know well.

Oh, it wasn't their twin.

No.

I thought it was their twin. I do want to see a scene. Okay. The two of you are twins. You were separated at birth.

Great.

You're now in your later years and you're meeting for the first time by accident.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

I don't see why not.

I regret this immediately.

Actually, if you want to just settle up here, I actually have a room at this hotel.

Did anyone ever tell you you look like a movie star?

No, I've never been told that. I hope you don't mind, I'm obviously wearing a wedding ring. I'm here with my husband. Do you know Goofy?

That's the Swedish chef. That's the Swedish chef.

Sorry, whenever we stay at a hotel like this, I always make the Swedish chef put their name down. It's goofy.

This is a mess. Okay. A certain bed in a certain hospital acquires the reputation of being unlucky. Whichever patient is assigned to this bed seems to die there on a Friday evening. A watch is kept by a camera and the reason is discovered. What is it?

It's always a Friday evening?

Yeah, it's always a Friday.

Okay, SNL comes on on Saturday. So that's not it.

That's nothing.

That can't be, that's nothing really. Is this like a bed of mashed potatoes?

No, but I like the way you think.

Is this a hospital?

Like a steak hospital?

A steak hospital?

You've never been to a steak hospital? Milwaukee's number one date spot?

Tell me you've never been to a steak hospital without telling me you've never been to a steak hospital. Can I get 10 cc's of A1? It is a hospital, right, Erin?

It's a real hospital. And people are really dying.

Every Friday night?

Every Friday.

So there's a bed where someone dies every Friday.

Yep.

Is this from that article that we weren't supposed to read?

Yeah, no. You guys, it's worse than you're imagining.

Okay.

Oh God!

Yeah, it's really bad. And it's every Friday night, is it always just one person that dies?

Yeah, in the same bed.

In the same bed? Is it like the death bed?

No.

Like, is there a bed where they move patients where they're, like, beyond the pale?

Yeah, this is my question. They're probably in pretty bad shape when they make it to this bed, but they're not dying because of the... Do hospitals, and this is me showing my ignorance, do they have, like, a kill shelter equivalent for hospitals? Well, they all have, like, a black cat who gets on the bed of the person who's dying.

Our first and last ever Boston live show.

Yeah, I guess if no one comes and picks them up, I mean... He's too sick to just release him out into the... Your grandpa went to a farm upstate.

Okay, what do you think? What do you think?

Can you read it one more time? Yeah.

Oh, yes, I can. If I can find it, yes. A certain bed in a certain hospital acquires the reputation of being unlucky. Whichever patient is assigned to this bed seems to die there on a Friday evening. A watch is kept by a camera and the reason is discovered. What is it?

Is the bed like, is it like Nurse Melvin the Slippery Nurse or something like that?

Okay, coming to NBC this fall. Take all my money. No, it is maybe someone who is about to get fired for sure.

Hey Riddle Riddle

It's a cleaning person, yeah.

Okay, and is it like, what else has a bed that's, is it like a mop bed? A bed of roses? Yeah. A bed of roses for a janitor.

Well, what are they cleaning with? What do people clean with?

Mops.

Bleach? Not mops, not bleach.

Poison?

It's a sort of a device you use to clean. Cancer? My brain took so long to realize what you just said.

Power washer? Is it a power washer? No, more common than that. If you turn that on an old person their skin... Right off.

There's a setting for old people.

It sloths right off.

If you power wash someone who's old, you have to use the right setting.

It's like paint, cement, asphalt, old. Yeah. And it takes it right off. Yeah.

You would need this device for maybe like a rug.

You would need it for a rug?

Steam cleaner. No. Steam cleaner. You're thinking too hard. What's something a common... Vacuum.

They've been vacuuming the people to death. No, they... Oh no, they vacuumed up the people.

No, they don't vacuum the people. We got there because of you, Erin.

We got there because of you. Thank you, Erin. You helped us. You can't be disappointed.

No, no. Okay, I'm going to tell you what it is.

Are these people that are getting shrunk down like that Matt Damon movie?

Did anyone see that? No one. I watched that on... This is a peek into my mental health this year. You know when on TikTok someone will break a movie into like 600 parts? And it's like three in the morning, and you're in your bed, and you're like, I'll watch this Matt Damon movie in 30-second chunks.

Wow, I didn't know people did that. No? I watched Lawless that way.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, ooh, Tom Hardy must be good.

I also watched the Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal horror thriller. Deadpool. What is it called? What is that one?

Prisoner.

Is it Prisoner? Yeah, I watched that. It was meant to be seen on TikTok in 800 parts, I'll tell you that.

Prisoner seems like a children's storybook compared to what happened to Georgian film.

Oh man.

So we suck this guy off or whatever?

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, vac cum.

No, no, no. I wish I had a bleep. I wish Casey was here with a button for you guys. Okay. Every Friday morning, a cleaning woman comes to the ward with a vacuum cleaner. The most convenient electrical socket is the one to which the patient's life support machine is connected. Oh man. No offense. This woman's dumb as shit. Wait, hold on. Listen to this. This gets dumber.

This is a training issue. This is not her fault.

No, wait for this.

This is a training issue. This is an orientation issue. There's a hospital administrator that bears the blame for this.

Oh no, at the end of this, I think it's based on true events.

Someone got fucked over by a hospital administrator once.

She unplugs this for a few minutes while she does her work. The noise of the vacuum cleaner covers the patient's dying gasp. Honestly, that's for the best. I'd like to see a scene. I don't know what it is yet, but... Careful. Should I see it? No, we should move on.

Do you think Goofy's in the ICU?

No, I'll move on. I'll do another riddle. I'll move on. What two items does a boy have at 10 years of age that he did not have when he was one years old?

Stress and gumption.

No.

These are two items that a boy has at 10 that he doesn't have at what?

One.

Like, is it like one adult tooth?

No.

Pube?

Did you only have one adult tooth at 10?

At 10? Yeah, what age do you get adult teeth?

Oh yeah.

It's got to be around that, right?

No, no, no. You have more. You have more. At 10? At 10. You'll never figure this out. No, you lose. Everyone here is so smart. You definitely have more than one because you lose all your teeth by like the third grade, right? No. No? OK.

You can't ask a crowd in Boston how they lost their teeth. This is not going to go, well, I was being wicked right in an argument.

That's the worst Boston accent I've ever heard. This isn't Boston. Erin, do yours.

She disappeared. A one-year-old boy doesn't have it, and a ten-year-old boy has it, and it's two items. Do these items go together? Are they like a tandem item? It's like a Cub Scout badge.

They're two of the same thing.

They're two of the same thing. Two of the same thing. Okay, so we don't know when you lose your baby teeth. When do you lose your baby eyes? Hey, I think that's another Sara Bareilles song, Erin, take it away.

Oh boy. Wait, while they're thinking, what is the age that you like lose your last tooth?

12?

You were 13. Okay. Okay. Do you know the answer to that?

Is it like dress shoes for a wedding? Oh yeah, ten-year-old dress shoes, never worn.

No, but a one-year-old can wear little dress shoes. They can wear dress shoes. This is not an article of clothing.

It's not an article of clothing.

It's not something you put on your body at all.

Is it a preposition of clothing?

No, that's funny though.

Is it a gerund of clothing?

That's funny.

First bunk bed, first... Is this something like... Sibling!

No.

Is this something internal? Like is it like a... Yep. Okay. A tonsil? No, a tonsil. Oh, when do your balls drop?

No, it's not that. Not that.

Okay, it's not your balls, it's not your one tonsil.

You have a little baby, and I think that might help to think of your little baby.

Okay, now I want to cry.

What does your little baby not have right now?

Respect for me?

For sure. Is that bad? They're also pretty squishy, this baby, huh?

Don't squish my fucking baby! I'll fuck Duke Goofy in front of your whole fucking family. You won't be able to pull me off of Goofy. Sucking and fucking and spitting and shitting. Squish my baby.

You squish my baby, I fuck your Goofy. Sir, you have to leave Disneyland.

Okay, that's right. That's right. That's right. I shouldn't even be here. I didn't get a ticket.

Sir, all of Space Mountain is terrified.

Okay, yeah. No, that's fair. I hear it now and that's fair. I'll leave.

There's something that your body doesn't really... Is it like bones that fuse together? It's a kind of bone.

It's a kind of like... Don't say it's a kind of bone to me. What is she doing? Erin, you're bump setting. Does she hear herself do this? Yeah, she does.

Do you want the Red Sox shirt or not?

I really want to win that car. Okay, is it like the soft spot in your head? That goes away earlier than that. Unless someone's keeping it open. We're nefarious. What are they putting in there? What are they putting in these young boys' heads? I have my two minutes. I'm not done talking. I have two minutes. You'll listen to the crazy shit I have to say.

Do you think you could take like a Capri Sun straw and put it in a baby's... Oh. Oh God.

Oh God.

We've never thought of that. Oh yeah. Grow up. We don't go to bed every night thinking this.

Gentlemen, you have to be in the PTA to speak, okay? You can't just get up at the school board meeting and start saying these things.

I got bad news for you. If you can't handle putting a capri straw through a baby's head, you're not going to like reading that article, okay? About those nice people from a furniture store.

Oh, it's so bad. Grow up. It is really bad.

Okay, I don't know. I give up. Do you know this, Adal? I truly don't think I know this. You said it's a type of bone? It's a type of bone?

Is that what you said? I don't even know if it's bone. It's like something hard.

It's something hard? Like a cartilage? Is it cartilage? Oh, it's when your sharks grow?

No, it's... Think of like... Ten years old, this is how you get a nose job.

It's when your nails first get sharp.

Head, shoulders.

Knees. Knees? It's when your knees grow.

Oh, do you not have kneecaps for 10 years? Why? You don't have kneecaps when you're a baby, no. Think about your baby. No kneecaps, right?

I'm thinking about how I'm going to the doctor when I get home and making a emergency kneecap appointment. And my baby doesn't have kneecaps? You'll be putting a couple of kneecaps in. And I want kneecaps for the elbows, too. You don't take insurance? I'm paying out of pocket for my baby's kneecaps. Sir, you have to leave Babies R Us. I'm leaving. I didn't know I couldn't take a phone call in here.

JPC, we're going to do one more riddle, and if you don't get this, then someone in the audience gets your Red Sox shirt. Ooh.

It doesn't affect me at all. Will you help me?

Adal, would you help me? I'm so blown away that my kneecaps weren't around until age 10.

Yeah, that's why babies are like, they're so squishy.

That's why all babies in church go, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

If you do it once, it's good. If you do it twice on the same day, though, it's a serious crime. What is it?

Sorry, if you do it once, it's good.

If you do it twice on the same day, though, it's a serious crime. What is it?

Advent calendar.

Advent calendar? No.

Because at my house, if you opened two doors, my mom would beat your ass.

So I have two sisters, Molly and Kathleen, they're both here. Yeah, they're amazing, yes. There is no fight more serious than our Advent calendar fight. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? We would fight like it was... Who gets to move the mouse? Who gets to... One year, I swear to God, in my head, we were all teenagers at this point too, which is ridiculous, but we all held Jesus at the same time and put Jesus in because it was causing so much of a fight. Do you remember the good one? We would fight over the angels. Do you guys remember any of the other hot ones that we wanted? The what? Oh, the star! Oh, I wanted to do the star. I'm like getting heated thinking about them. It was the best. OK, what were we talking about?

Twice in the same day.

It's illegal. It's a serious crime. And I bet you're going to make jokes about this when you find out what it was.

Call the FBI on your neighbor?

No.

But it's OK.

This is topical. It's topical once every like four years. Oh, your mic is off. Did you turn it off by accident?

Is that what you're trying to indicate? Can I just say very quickly, I'm dead serious. This person in the front row looked right at me and they went, And they were trying to indicate that JPC's cord was undone. Can you imagine looking at someone and going... Where the fuck did you go to gesture school?

Honestly, Adal, this honestly contextualizes a lot of the interactions that you have had in your life. Adal told us he was walking around yesterday and he was like, two separate people wanted to fight me. And I imagine that's your experience, but I also imagine the guys are like, hey man, you got gravy on your face. Like, you have gravy on your face now. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm trying to help you out. I've never seen a man with gravy on his face that much gravy.

If you do it once, it's good. If you do it twice in the same day, that was a serious crime. Erin, this is bullshit. No. This is real. This is real. It's topical once every four years.

Is the day important in terms of like a holiday?

The day is important.

Pay your taxes twice?

No, it happens once every four years and it's topical now and it was topical.

Oh, this is voting. It's voting.

Wow. All right, that concludes the riddle part of our show. If you are part of our clue crew on our Patreon, we sometimes do brackets of our favorite things. And I thought, yes, I thought we could do a bracket of things that feel like Boston and Massachusetts to me. And for that, I wanted to bring up one of the most Boston people I know. When you see him, you'll know what I mean. One of my best friends in the whole world, Connor, can you join us for this segment?

I thought it was going to be Chai McBride. You ever watch Boston Public?

No, but I do love Chai McBride.

Chai McBride.

What a name. So good. Oh, this is the part where Erin told us to vamp. Yes.

So Connor's been my friend for 20 years.

We did 13 musicals and plays together.

Name them all. Name them all. Pirates of Penzance, South Pacific, Anything Goes, 42nd Street, Grease, Music Man, Once on this Island,

It's a little problematic.

Then you went to a different high school for a year. Yeah, sure did. And then Urinetown.

Urinetown, Sweeney Todd, Thoroughly Modern Millie, and then Plays. And then Plays. At the bottom of Lake Missoula, things fall, parentheses, meanwhile. And, oh yeah, our Stephen Sondheim special event show. Yes.

We didn't do the second half of our senior year. We would just sit on the beach, drink orange soda, and disassociate. And they let us do that.

It was pretty great.

It was pretty great. OK, so we're going to quickly go through this bracket of Boston-y things, and then we're going to decide what's the most Boston-y thing of them all. OK, your first two, the palpable sense of Irish Catholic guilt in the air versus the big dig.

What was the second one?

The Big Dig.

What's the Big Dig?

Connor?

It was a project where they took the central artery that went through Boston and they moved it underground. So it was a raised highway and it went through the center of the city and they moved it underground and now it's a big park.

And they did it in a very timely manner and nothing went wrong.

Yeah, and everything was on time and it cost nothing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So it's construction?

Correct. Yeah, one of our most notable things about our city is construction.

I did say, what's the big dig? And someone in the back went, oh.

Hey, you don't know the big dig? Whoa. Pick your winner.

I got to go big dig.

Big dig?

It's fun to say. It's fun to say.

It's got to be.

I'm going to go the palpable sense of Irish guilt. Yeah, I'll change to that. I don't care.

Too late. Getting drunk at the Logan Airport legal seafood before a flight. Or throwing tea into Boston Harbor.

Now I have to ask, is there an illegal seafood? Why is it called, in all sincerity, why is it called legal seafood? Don't look at me. Does anyone know why it's called legal seafood?

The second Boston question that we had, it's a, nah, who knows. Who knows. It's a mystery.

Yeah.

It's 18 plus.

So I got screamed at. I'll do the porno seafood store. That's what I'll do.

What's your pick? What's your pick?

Legal seafood.

Legal seafood. Okay, great. Perfect. Oh yes, that's the slogan.

Okay, that does sound like a slogan for a business.

The business and name truly began back in 1904 when Harry Berkowitz, son of Sam, called his Inman Square store legal cash market because his customers could redeem legal government-issued cash stamps there.

I would say let's not Google anything about Boston just in case a Bertie and Phil's thing happens again. Okay. Paul Revere's ride or Sam Adams being a founding father but his legacy being beer. What's more Boston?

Sam Adams.

Sam Adams?

I was going to say Sam Adams, yeah. That seems right. That seems right.

Got it. Whatever they've got going on at MIT. Or the part from The Fighter where she says, you shut your mouth in my kitchen, you owe me $200.

Isn't that Conan O'Brien's sister?

Is it?

Yeah, there's one person from the fighter that is Conan O'Brien's sister.

She's in that scene. She's not the one who says it though, it's what's her name is.

I thought you were talking about MIT.

Who's, wait, oh wait. Is somebody here in your family, I can't look at them, I'm embarrassed. Is somebody here in your family that said you always do this?

Oh yeah, that's Barbara. Yeah, it's her birthday. She's the one who said, John, you always do this. Did that make the bracket? Yeah.

I'll do the one where someone says something and it sounds like it's from Boston.

Right.

That one tickles me.

The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum art heist. First, the field trip to Plymouth Plantation and Plymouth Rock and being disappointed by Plymouth Rock.

I can't, in good conscience, vote for anything with the word plantation in it, so I'm gonna go with Isabella.

I feel the same way about heist, so I guess we're gonna stand still.

Art heist?

Oh yeah, art heist easy.

Saying rotaries instead of roundabouts. What the fuck? Or drinking a dunk in iced coffee in the middle of winter wearing cargo shorts. She's back.

Game of Thrones, but it's all Boston.

In the middle of winter.

I'll do winter.

OK.

Winter. Winter is coming.

Swan boats versus duck boats.

Duck boats. Duck boats.

Duck boats. Yes. All right. This one's fun. 21 people dying in the Great Molasses Flood.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. In the what?

The Great Molasses Flood. It was when there was a... No, no, no.

I can... I can suss.

150 people were injured and 21 people died. Very slowly.

Actually, molasses has a much lower viscosity when it's hot. And it was so hot that day, that's why the tank exploded.

He won National History Day at my high school. And middle school too, right?

And middle school. There is no National History Day.

Everyone clap like you believe that that's a day. All right, hold on, hold on. Silence. Everybody just shout out what day National History Day is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Today's the right answer.

Today's a good answer.

First, saying Noma Gassiapara in a Boston accent. Wow. What's your winner?

Oh, the Boston accent one. I like to hear you say the words.

Maple molasses? Molasses.

Connor, you're the tiebreaker. I gotta go with molasses. Did it take them like 17 days to die?

I think they died pretty fast. Yeah, they died pretty fast. It was really bad. But the whole city smelled like molasses for a while, so that's kind of fun. Stop and shop parking lot the day before Thanksgiving or Canobie Lake Park in the rain.

I'm going to go for the one they cheered at. Yeah.

Canobie Lake Park.

It seems like they didn't like that other one.

What did you say backstage when I read you this?

Well, Market Basket.

Oh, Market Basket. Hey.

All right, Market Basket versus Canobie Lake Park.

I went to a Market Basket today. They need to hire more cashiers. They need to hire more cashiers.

OK, traffic to and from.

They got to get it fixed, Boston.

Traffic to and from the Cape versus the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 the same year they filmed Fever Pitch. A miracle. What's your winner?

Well, Adal was in Fever Pitch, so I have to go with Fever Pitch.

Yeah, I was the third base. You can hear me going, ow, ow.

Applying to UMass Amherst, classic. Or Ted Kennedy killing that girl.

John, you always do this!

Yeah, I gotta go with Ted Kennedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ted Kennedy killed that girl. Quick reminder that when Ted Kennedy passed away and at the Kennedy Museum they had his like casket. Yeah. You had to wait like seven hours in line to go through and see him and my mom waited in line twice. She waited like all day and went back to see him a couple times.

Was it an open casket?

I don't know, no? No, no.

So we don't know if he was in there?

I think he was in there. He could still be alive.

I think your mom waited to see an empty car key.

My grandfather telling my mother to bring him his car keys, but his accent was so thick, so instead of bringing him his car keys, she brought down his khaki pants. A real thing that happened. Khakis and khakis. Khakis, khakis. Versus taking an awkward, squatty photo next to the Make Way for Ducklings statue.

The first one feels like a family guy joke.

I'll go with that one.

Oh, that one?

No, Brian, I said my khakis.

Larry Bird versus all the streets being built for horses and making no fucking sense.

Larry Horse.

I cannot combine the two, Adam.

I gotta go with Larry Bird, the hick from French Lick, Indiana! I've never been there. He's ours, he's ours. I can keep him, I don't care. Not important to me.

Any Irish pub in South Boston verse the word wicked? Dropkick Murphys verse Chris Evans saying be honest in that one interview. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Be honest. Be honest.

I always forget that he's from Boston. Is he from Boston?

Yeah.

Framingham? Oh nice. You know they beat us in festival ones and now every time I hear Framingham I'm like you guys are on board.

What was the first one?

Dropkick Murphys. I'll go Dropkick Murphys.

But if it was Chris Evans holding a helicopter, I'd vote for that. Oh yeah from Get Out? Or from Dives Out? Remember, hold on, remember when the mom is like putting the spoon on the teacup and Chris Evans has a helicopter? And then he goes into the helicopter place.

They need to do more cameos like that.

We have to go faster.

Have fun in movies.

Complaining about Vera Farmiga's accent in The Departed versus Cape Cod potato chips slash ocean spray cranberry juice when their powers combine.

Cape Cod? Cape Cod. I learned that cranberries, when you harvest cranberries, there's like a hundred thousand spiders that like crawl on your overalls. So I can't vote for spiders. A vote for cranberry juice is a vote for spiders.

You're going to hate this, but Vera Famiglia is made of spiders.

No. The Big Dig versus getting drunk at the Logan Airport Legal Seafood before a flight.

I'm going to go with Big Dig. It is so fun to say. I feel like I'm getting Boston killed. Yeah, Big Dig.

Sam Adams being a founding father, but his legacy being beer versus you shut your mouth in my kitchen and you owe me $200.

Shut your mouth in my kitchen.

Shut your mouth.

Of course. Nobody even knows that Sam Adams did.

The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum art heist versus the duck boats. Oh yeah, that one.

I gotta say, Adal and I were talking about this earlier today that I loved the duck boats. I thought the duck boats were way more fun than I thought they would be. Yeah.

Okay. Duck boats. But theft is cool. I know Boston loves to get away with theft.

Drinking Duncan iced coffee in the middle of winter, winter, wearing cargo shorts versus 21 people dying in the Great Molasses Club. I can't believe that's still on here.

How did that one advance? Although I do have to say I don't love cargo shorts.

Erin, do you mind just real quick, sorry, do you mind saying, and I'm gonna film this, do you mind saying 21 people dying again? So I can get 400 people laughing.

Yeah. 21 people dying during the Great Molasses Flood. Classic Boston. Classic matchup.

I'm texting the FBI.

What's your winner? What's your winner? Drinkin' Dunkin' when Congress shuts down.

Do we have time for a special write-in?

Depends on what it is.

I think you know what it is.

Is it goofy?

I think it's kind of fun, but not goofy. It's a little silly, but I don't know if it's fucking goofy. What is it? Well, I think it's one of the most special things two people can do. What? Erin. What? You truly don't know what I'm talking about?

I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Do you know?

I don't know.

OK, great.

I'm just here, man. I'm at fucking work right now.

I want to say, very quickly, I think we can get this done. We're going to get this done in two minutes. OK. Probably the whole reason we're here and on this tour is because of two people, Matt and Anna.

Oh yeah. Who brought us out. But we gotta get through this really quick. Okay. And then we'll do that at the end.

Sorry, sorry, you know what? I'm such a fucking idiot for celebrating two people in love.

No, no, we will, we're going to, we're going to.

Let's get back to molasses.

No, we're gonna, we're going to, we're going to, we're going to. We're gonna get through this quick. Canobie Lake Park in the rain versus the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 the same year they filmed Fever Pitch. Fever pitch. Ted Kennedy killing that girl versus the khaki pants story.

That's a one and two seed. That's a tough matchup. Larry Bird versus the Bird Wicked.

Wicked? Wicked. Dropkick Murphys versus Cranberry Juice Cape Cod Potato Chips?

Murphys. Anti-spiders.

Alright, here we go. The Big Dig versus You Shut Your Mouth In My Kitchen You Owe Me $200?

Big Dig.

Duck Boats versus Iced Coffee In The Middle Of Winter Cargo Shorts?

Speaking of fever pitch, do you think when Ted Kennedy killed that girl he kind of broke like Jimmy Fallon does?

Like a fake sort of like. Yeah. Can you believe me?

Wicked versus Dropkick Murphys.

Wicked.

Wicked. All right. We're coming to the end. We're coming to the end. The Big Dig versus Duck Boats.

Big Dig, baby. Duck Boats. Big Dig all the way. Duck Boats. I'm fully Big Dig-pilled.

You've got Big Dig energy.

Ted Kennedy killing that girl versus the word wicked.

Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

It's got to be Ted Kennedy. I have to fight for Wicked here. Adal voted Wicked. Oh, you voted Wicked?

No, I said Ted Kennedy. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. Ted Kennedy it is.

I guess it's Ted Kennedy, you guys. I'm sorry. Ted Kennedy killing that girl versus the Big Dig, I can't believe this.

To be fair, this is what we deserve.

I know.

What's your winner? I have known about that Ted Kennedy thing for years, and I did just find out about the Big Dig today. Yeah.

I gotta go Big Dig, baby, Big Dig! Recency bias. Yeah. What a beautiful history. I'm gonna go Ted Kennedy.

Connor, you're the deciding vote here.

Let's go for the Big Dig! Yeah! Oh, the Big Dig! So we're thrilled because it took a long time or what's, why are we cheering? Hey man, you don't get the Big Dig.

Did we find bones or something?

It gave the city something to complain about for so many years.

Don't try to explain the Big Dig, Erin. He didn't go through it. He's not, he doesn't get it. He's not like us.

He's not like us.

We're big dig people.

Well, we have two little things left for the show. We're going to bring Arnie out again in a minute. But before that, there are two people who are getting married this weekend, and they're both here. Are they here? Amazing. If you want to, would you mind coming up and getting married up here really quick by us?

We wanted to steal your thunder.

We kind of wanted to steal your thunder. Incredible.

Give them a round of applause. This is Matt and Anna. Matt and Anna, truly the reason why we're in town.

We wanted to celebrate your special day, and we thought, you know, you're getting married this weekend, but it's Thursday. Why don't we just do it now, right? Yeah. Why don't we just get it over with? So Erin, you're going to officiate, correct?

Yeah. Are you ordained?

No, not anymore.

Okay. Well, there's a story there. Okay, I'm going to go on this side.

Do you guys have your vows memorized? Okay. We don't want to burn those, so Adal and I, we'll just feed you some vows.

They're going to Cierno de Bergerac you guys, and give each other vows.

Erin, we're going to Roxanne them.

Okay. Okay, great. This is a wedding. You're gathered here today. You're amazing. And do you want to do?

Yeah, okay. So, dear Sean,

That's not his name.

I know. And then say, oh fuck, Sean was my ex. Erin, how you doing?

Thriving.

And then say, Kevin. And then say, you know what? It doesn't matter. Let's not do names for the whole wedding.

Yeah, you'll start. Hey, you. Classic you. Let's do this thing. And then turn to the congregation and go, big dig!

Okay, and then are you both from Boston? Oh perfect, you're from Boston. So then I want you to say, I think you're wicked smart.

Oh, that was good. And I want you to say, deep dish bean. And then do a fadeaway jumper like Michael Jordan. Nice. Michael Jordan's famous jump away.

Who introduced who to the show? I'm so sorry. You can have a seat. No, no, no. I, with the power invested in me by Riddle's puzzles, the devil. What'd you like to do this week?

Jake and Amir.

Jake and Amir. Head gum.

Head gum. Some of Dropout.

Yes, some of Dropout. I pronounce you man and wife. You may now high five or kiss, whichever you prefer.

Nice. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming up and getting married on the stage.

You brought gifts? Oh, it's very interesting. Okay. Oh, thank you.

Okay, incredible. What the hell?

More people who get married should give me a gift, I think.

Give it up again for newlyweds, Matt and Ann.

If you don't mind, I would like to do something that's a little bit self-indulgent, but I wanted to sing with Arnie. Again? More? I know, I'm like, sorry for being self-indulgent when I did 45 minutes.

Can you imagine in 20 years when their kids are like How'd you get married? And they're like, we were on a Riddle podcast.

You know those people who went insane and were on the news? Yeah, they married us. I wanted to sing with two of my great, great friends, my favorite song about Boston. This is called the MTA. It's my favorite song. Please sing along if you know it. Also, you know me. I don't know lyrics. I might mess up. And if you two can sort of come up here and dance, that would mean a lot to me.

These are the times that try men's souls. Throughout the course of our nation's history, the people of Boston have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened. Today, a new crisis emerges. The Metropolitan Transit Authority, more commonly known as the MTA, has levied a burdensome tax upon the population in the form of a subway fare increase. Citizens, hear me now. It could happen to you.

Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Charlie on a tragic and fateful day. He put ten cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family, went to ride on the MTA.

Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned. Poor old Charlie. He may ride forever near the streets of Boston. He's a man who never returned.

Charlie had it in his dime at the Kendall Square station, and he changed for a Jamaica plane. When he got there, the conductor told him one more nickel. Charlie couldn't get off of that train.

Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned. Oh, what a pity. He may ride forever beneath the streets of Boston. He's the man who never returned.

Now all night long, Charlie rides through the station crying, what will become of me? How can I afford to see my sister in Chelsea or my cousin in Roxbury?

Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned. Man, his fat is still unlearned. He may ride forever beneath the streets of Boston. He's the man who never returned.

Charlie's wife goes down to the Scully Square station every day at quarter past two. And through the open window she hands Charlie a sandwich as the train keeps rumbling through.

Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned. For old Charlie, he may ride forever near the streets of Boston. He's the man who never returned.

Now you citizens of Boston, don't you think it's a scandal how the people have to pay and pay? Fight the fair and free vote for George O'Brien.

Get more driving at the MT. Well, did he ever return? No, he never returned. And his fate is still unlearnt. Just like Paul Rudin, he's not dead forever. He's the street, he's the Boston, he's the man who never returned. Hey Riddle Riddle. Head to Charlie.

Thank you so much for coming out. This is truly a dream come true. I've been wanting to do this for six years. This has been the hardest year of my life and having you come out and support me means so much to me. I'd also love to thank my family for encouraging me to be funny. You only know my name because they are so funny and so kind and were so nurturing for me being a little girl who wanted to be loud and take up space. So please give them a round of applause. I have the best family in the world. I love them so much. And thank you Adal and JPC for being so willing to wear those Yankee clothes. They got so scared when I handed it to them. And then Arnie, of course, Arnie Parrot on the music. Thank you for being so helpful. And then my best friend Connor, who my favorite thing in the world is to be on stage with him. So thank you for doing this, Connor. And then thank you to Arts at the Armory. Incredible. Support every show that comes through here. And thank you for coming out. Do you guys mind taking a picture of me with the crowd? Hey Erin, why don't we do one more thing? What? What? Have sex. No, no, no, no. I can't believe I gave you any leeway on that.

All right, Erin, we have a couple more minutes. Do you have a way to get them to play the theme song?

Jupiter.

Thank you, Somerville. Adjacent to the city of Boston.