Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Thank you again, Matt, for doing this. We're excited to have you. It's gonna be fun. What's the worst that could happen? Hey, aim into that. Well, Erin might have a breakdown.

Yeah, I could have a breakdown. I hate riddles. I'm back on my hating riddles train, everybody.

This is like a Sisyphus punishment for us.

Yeah.

That's fun.

Riddle Riddle.

Adal, JBC, can you help me push this riddle up the hill?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we're in a... I thought you were gonna say back into your body.

Erin, you do have a riddle poking out of you as well.

Oh, God. Is that from me or did it go inside me? Is it from me or... I don't know. Is it medical? Do I need it? Do I need it to live?

It's kind of like the Ellie is sticking out of your back. I assume the R-I-D-D is in there somewhere.

Get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out.

Okay, okay. Erin, count to three. 1.

Back in rule.

Oh, wait a minute. I might know someone who is a doctor or might have played a doctor before. You may know him from Veep. You might know him from Abbott Elementary. You might know him as the voice of Kite Man in Kite Man Hell Yeah. Please welcome Matt Oberg. Hello.

It sounds like these are just euphemisms for for pooping that you're just pushing I'm always happy to assist someone with pooping whatever whatever that means to you.

I'm happy to do Matt have you ever played a doctor?

um i don't i don't think so i've never like i think i remember wearing a lab coat and stuff um no i should at some point today during the episode we'll have you play a doctor Yeah, yeah. No, I play, you know, it used to be sort of emasculated fathers, and now it's becoming kind of... My favorite demographic. Yeah, and it's not a big leap for me. Now I'm getting more like,

With whatever's going on in the collective psychosis of this country, it seems like a lot of people were having father issues that they were writing into things, and now they're like, actually I think my emasculated father's kind of a dick. And now it's like flipping the other way on the father.

Well, I've been saying that, you know, nerds can be jerks for a long time. People... Yes. You know?

We're living proof of that. We live that truth every day here at Neighborhood Riddle.

I mean, it's like, hurt people hurt people, right?

Yes. Yes. Yes. People who were popular in high school are, by the most part, really nice.

Matt, two questions for you. One is, you're the voice of Kite Man in Kite Man Hell Yeah, which is a fantastic series, which means you probably know a friend of ours and former guest of the show, Katie Rich.

Yeah, oh sure. You guys are from the Chicago School of Living, right?

Oh yes.

Yeah, and she's a graduate of that. Yeah, no, she's great. A lot of my interaction with her was in this sort of a medium, but We were at Comic-Con together not too long ago, or I guess maybe it was a while back, but no, she's the best. She's the best.

That's fantastic. And then secondly, what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, even something like crosswords or escape rooms or connections?

I'm big into the New York Times suite of games. The one show that I DVR is Jeopardy. Nice. I don't know what a lateral puzzle is, so that excludes me from enjoying those.

Look at the name of the book that I'm reading from today.

Oh no.

It's Lateral Thinking Puzzles, so you'll find out soon enough.

Is that counted as a book or is it just a bunch of different lateral thinking puzzles?

You're right, this is not a book. Yeah, fuck this.

It's like common sense. It looks like a 7th grader's homework assignment. It really does, from like 1998.

So the cover is looking up at a palm tree? No, it's just a bunch of random shapes. But I'm glad that you can see something in the random shapes. Ooh, he has a bit of a Rorschach test. Illustrated by Myron Miller.

I was looking at that cover and I was like, is that my father having sex with my mother? Like, what the hell is that? Why is he angry at me?

When you watch Jeopardy, if you were on Jeopardy, what categories would you be like, so excited to see? And what would you be like, oh, fuck, I'm

That's a great question. I mean, I don't think I would be confident about any of them. But there's so much opera on Jeopardy! and that is a weak point for me. Although half the time I feel like the answer is Carmen. Or like Madame Butterfly. It's fun, except I played it just this weekend with some friends, which was a real hoot, and it was Puerto Rico, which is not a nation, but a territory, and I felt like that was... That's a little bit of a cheat. Yeah, yeah. They guam'd ya.

They absolutely guam'd ya.

I got guam'd.

I got guam'd. Casey Clippett, we're gonna use that. That's our new soundbite. I got guam'd.

If there was a Jeopardy question of what are like silhouettes of Puerto Rico, I would- This week you'd crush that category.

Sounds like a romance novel. Matt, where are you from in the world?

I grew up in the suburbs of New York in Westchester, Larchmont, New York. Nice. Are you guys in Chicago as we speak right now?

JPC and I are in Chicago. Erin was in Chicago but moved to LA four years ago. I'm in Los Angeles.

Yes.

Nice.

Great call.

Yeah.

You can tell because you can see the sun in her background and you can see Adal and I. Adal looks like he's in a sauna and I look like I'm in a black hole. So that's LA, Chicago.

You guys are both in ice fishing tents, right? For sure.

Just trying to make it through April.

But that's my story.

I had a question, now I forget what it was. What was my question?

So this is the part of the show where Erin tries to remember her question. You know, how did I get into show business?

How did you get into show business?

We're pivoting to sort of a W2F.

W2F? W2F. It's his bonus podcast. Okay.

What To Fuck. Yeah, this is a show called What To Fuck.

Sorry that you're on it, but... Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night, I'll open the fridge, and I'm like, what the fuck?

As much as I want this to be an interview podcast, I will do some riddles.

Okay, I do want to see it. I am gonna call for our first scene. We can make it pretty quick. But I think just to fulfill the prophecy, fulfill the prophecy.

What's going on with you today?

To fulfill the prophecy, I need to go ahead and see a scene. Erin, you are a kid who has to go to school and doesn't want to. Matt, you are Dr. Dad. You are Erin's dad but you're also a doctor so now you've played one and you're trying to convince your daughter to go to school.

You know that in addition to being your dad, I'm also a doctor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, when I'm feeling bad or I have, like you have, a pretty wet, consistent cough, I can't just call the hospital and say, I'm not going to come in and do doctoring.

But dad, you should. You could get a lot of people sick if you have a cough and you go in and you give it to all your patients.

I'm sorry. Are you the doctor dad or am I the doctor dad?

You're the doctor dad.

That's right. And I don't want to have to go tell nurse mom about this conversation. Okay. What I, what I mean to say is that in school, just as in open heart surgery, there's no excuse for not showing up.

Yeah. But doesn't that look bad? On you, if I show up and I get every kid in school sick and they're gonna go, isn't her dad a doctor and her mother a nurse? What are they doing over there?

It's a it's a fair point, sweetheart. It's a fair point. But then they'll look to me for the cure. And then we can buy more of the toys that that you love and cherish.

Okay, I'm listening. Let's make a negotiation. I won't tell all the kids at school that you're siphoning medicine off of your own supply and you let me stay home from school today.

All right. Now that's a prescription for success, sweetheart.

Dr. Dad coming to CBS this fall.

Oh, CBS would love Dr. Dad.

Oh, Wilco does the theme song?

CBS is listening for sure.

We love Dr. Dad. We're passing.

No! No! We couldn't love him more. ABC's about to have a hit on their hands, CBS. Okay. All right. I will do riddles because I did agree to do this podcast in 2018 and here I am. And here I am.

And Erin, hold up today's newspaper and say you're fine.

Hi, I'm Erin Keif. It is sometime in May, and I'm doing all right.

I'm doing all right! It's not May. Oh, it is May. Well, it is May, but it's not May. I'm like, you're wrong.

It's the day after 420, and we're all trying our very, very best. That's what it actually is, guys.

No, no, no, no. You're listening to this on the day it comes out, and it's the same day we recorded it. It's May. Of course. Everyone knows it's May, and it's today.

Okay, these are from Will Parsons. He says, I created some quick two-sentence riddles for you guys when I should have been working. Oops. So these are like rhyming. You'll see. Actually, I think I'll just go into them. Okay, great. And we'll consider these warm-up riddles. I'm always at home, but I never pay rent. Waiting for me would be time long spent. And you're all sort of thinking. You're all like very presentationally thinking.

And we shouldn't be doing that. Is that what I'm gathering? We don't need to think about this one?

Okay. Big stroke of the beard. Erin, is this some sort of pet or plant?

I was going to say dog. Yeah, someone could potentially have this as a pet. I'm always at home, but I never pay rent. Waiting for me would be time long spent.

I'm always at home.

And the home doesn't really look like our home.

Oh, is it like a hermit crab?

Close.

Or a snail? Why would waiting for a hermit crab be time well spent?

That's my favorite play. I love that play. Super heady.

Samuel Beckett, yes. I can't make it. I'm still waiting for this hermit crab, but it's time well spent.

People don't have hermit crabs as pets or do they?

You're asking the right question.

They do.

What takes a long time? Is there an animal that is slow?

Oh. Oh, it's like a bear that's a waiter or something?

Oh, it's... I know what it is.

Coming to CBS this fall.

You flagging down a bear waiter.

Check. Can I get the check? The check? I'm making the signing motion and the bear's like, I don't use... Matt, it sounded like you might have it. You might have it.

Do you guys really not have it or are you being kind to me? I really don't have it.

I'm not sure... It's a fucking turtle.

Woo! God damn it.

Matt, I want to congratulate you, but it also sucks that you thought we were so dumb we were acting.

That's a compliment to our acting chops, though. Actually, that's pretty cool.

But I wasn't acting.

I mean, Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't act. He just is, Adal. You be, you act.

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you are a turtle, and you are hosting a housewarming party, which is your shell. And Adal and Matt, you're going to go to his housewarming party.

I think it's around here somewhere. Forty-eight and a half East Seconds. Oh! Oh, down here. Hi!

My dudes! Hey! Welcome, guys!

Love the new place. This is amazing.

Yeah. Yeah, this is so cool. Can't believe we made it into this neighborhood, huh? The school zones and this thing. How's it going? Oh yeah? Yeah, well, that's the HOA. You know, they make you put them on at that size. You know, everybody's gotta be uniform, living in their little tiny boxes.

Oh, weeds. Yeah, weeds. Can Mark and I get a tour? Yeah.

Okay, sure. But, and I know I said no gifts, you both have... What do we have? Blenders. You guessed it. Dude, I always say you can never have enough blenders, you know?

Yeah. So I know you love, you know, green, you know, lettuce, mostly. So this, you could put lettuce in here.

Tell me you didn't bring lettuce. Ugh. Oh, Eileen's going to kill me. I'm clean, but I might have to have a little.

I know that for dessert, you sometimes will pick at some watercress. So this blender is for watercress.

Oh, you guys are the best. All right, get in here. Come on, get in here. Climb in. Keith, why don't you do arm hole and Greg, you do leg hole?

Sure, sure. And just real quick, which is your arm?

You guys, I'm having sort of an existential moment here. I'm picturing a turtle. I'm trying not to Google it.

And when it's in its shells, like the shell, like their body part is really attached, like through skin to the shell part, right? Yeah. It's not like they just fully go into the shell and the shell is like, the shell is like a part.

I think there's, yeah, I think there's a mucus membrane there.

But it's like, I just mean the attachment, like I'm picturing the little arms coming out and they, yeah.

You're thinking, like, if you yanked on a turtle's head hard enough, would the thing just come out?

Yeah, I'm thinking if I yanked on a turtle's head hard enough again, it wouldn't come out.

Yeah, you dated Michelangelo, right? I did.

Erin, you're saying, is the creature that we call a turtle another creature inside of there? Could you take the turtle out of the shell and it would still be a turtle?

I actually so regret asking this question out loud.

Like when a snail becomes a slug.

I'll take my answer offline.

Caterpillar becomes a butterfly?

Different thing. I've got a lot of caterpillars in my backyard, and I have a backyard as well, so that's pretty cool.

Must be nice.

But it happens around this time of year, and a lot of them become, not a lot of them, I'd say less than 10% become cocoons. And I was showing my daughters, I'm like, look, there's one, we can see it right here. And then after, I don't know, like two weeks, you just see this trickle of blood coming out of it. Oh no. That's the most valuable of all, you know, liquids is butterfly blood. It's so rare.

That's incredible. You sell that in LA. It's like, so it's like better than Botox.

Yeah.

Women just putting butterfly blood. She would hawk butterfly blood to all of us. You know what? I'd buy it. I'd walk into that little goop store in Brentwood and I'd spend $200 on that.

On Butterfly Blood. I can get you some for free.

Oh, hell yeah.

Thank you. Truly, the next time I play like a wizard or something, I'm going to be like, give me two scoops of Butterfly Blood. I don't have to speak your language to know what you mean, though I could discern some of your habits based on your sheen.

I don't have to speak your language to know what you mean, though I could discern some of your habits based on your sheen.

Okay, um... I don't understand your language to know what you mean.

What's the different ways to communicate with people that isn't verbal language? Body language.

Sign language.

Yeah. Dance.

Math.

Dance. Math. No. Yes, jazz. Body language is close.

Is it jazz? It's sign language.

It's not sign language. Body language, like what is a way to communicate to someone? that you feel a certain way.

Touch.

Purge. Mime. The art of mime. Kiss. That's it.

Puppetry.

Is it sex?

I would say you're over-complicating it, but if you were to walk into a room—this is actually a bad example, because you're going to make fun of this— but if I— Adal, I haven't seen you in a while.

Why don't you just take a second and have it to a good example? Wait, I'm walked into the room. Scratch the bad example. Scratch the bad example completely. Throw that one out. No, no.

I don't have time to think of a good example.

Matt walked into your room. Matt walked into your hypothetical room.

Okay, so Matt and I met today, and we're getting along great. We're buddies already. I feel like this is going well. Sure. We're going to be friends. We both live in L.A. I'm in a coffee shop, right? And he walks in. How would he know that I'm excited to greet my new friend?

Big smile. There you go, it's a smile Wait, what's the answer?

What's the riddle a smile? But what's the riddle? I feel fucking stupid today.

I don't understand. I don't have to speak your language to know what you mean But I can tell how you feel based on your Sheen Well, you guys sort of completely rewrote the riddle and I love that I don't have to speak your language You know what you mean?

You got that part right though. I could discern some of your habits based on your sheen

I gotta tell you, I went to a bookstore, they had Coffee House Smile, and they had Silhouettes of Puerto Rico, and I got Silhouettes of Puerto Rico.

And I'll say this, if Martin Sheen is showing you his teeth, that actually does not mean he's excited to meet you. That means he is very frustrated and he is very anxious, and you actually shouldn't go close to Martin Sheen, because you will get bit.

Martin Sheen is just as scared of you as you are.

Don't worry. If you're cold, he's cold. Bring your Martin Sheen inside.

You know, that's probably generally true of people, so it might also be true of Martin Sheen.

If you're Apocalypse Now, he's Apocalypse Now. That's so funny.

I just like that you're going to invent a last name and Sheen made it to the top of the list. Let's do it. You drive around LA and realize how many like hacky things are just named after streets in Los Angeles. Bronson.

Adal, I was trying to think of this and I was like, I should have texted you because I think you are the perfect person to remember this. But isn't there a celebrity who changed their name because their name was the name of a different celebrity?

Michael Keaton was born Albert Einstein. That's right.

That's awesome.

I knew if I had texted you this, I would have had both of those examples like immediately because I was like, I can't remember what this thing is, but yes.

I thought at first you were saying Albert Einstein changed his own name to Albert Einstein. It just sounds so smart, you know?

Okay, I got another riddle. These are still from Will. Will wrote these. I have many jagged teeth and usually stay with a pack. I make my home in a cave, filling up every crack. Don't be gross. Don't be gross. Grab my spray bottle. Spray, spray, spray, spray, spray.

Ah, my crack.

I have many jagged teeth. So that makes me think of like a zipper. Ooh.

Okay.

Which when you unzip your pants, that could be like a little cave. Yeah.

Well, Adal, I do think Adal's wearing his pants backwards. Now this is not my only indicator. Adal unzipping the butt of his pants. All of Adal's pants are like Catwoman costumes.

Yeah, we are finding out that Adal's been wearing his pants backwards for quite some time.

I go to get a physical at the doctor's and I unzip my pants and I go, want to explore the cave? And he goes, please just put on the paper robe.

I'm a dentist, please.

It'd be worse if you talked to your doctor at Riddles too.

What has a cave, a jagged teeth, a terrible rash, and no health insurance? I have many jagged teeth and usually stay with a pack. I make my home in a cave, filling up every crack.

Is it a bat? Is it a colony of bats?

It's not a bat.

Is it an animal like a wolf? Is it a wolf? Because wolves live in caves.

No, it's not an animal. And I would say Adal did not have it quite right with a zipper, but that way of thinking I think could get you.

What else has teeth? Saws. Saws have teeth.

Okay.

That's true.

Does a comb have teeth?

A comb? Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Teeth comb. Comb teeth.

Usually stay in a pack. is

Magnets.

Not magnets.

It's magnets. It's magnets. Alright. It's always magnets.

We've decided. Damn, riddles are hard today.

What the fuck is going on?

I know, I know. I think, maybe, I do think it's the post-420 blues.

That's gotta be it. Yeah, it's the post-420 blues. Those famous post-420 blues.

Can I ask for a clue?

Yeah.

Yes, we need a clue.

You definitely Definitely own several versions of this thing.

Full body Shrek bodysuit.

My other hint is this is very, very inexpensive to replace. I feel like it's pretty affordable if you lose this thing. But you kind of need, but it's hard. It is hard to replace if you don't, if you've completely lost it.

And you buy like more, you buy a bunch of them.

It's a

What? Yes. I keep all my keys loose in different pockets. What am I doing wrong?

Actually, you guys, my key ring actually kind of looks insane. Can I show it to you? I know this is a... Uh-oh.

Yeah, no, please.

I can't wait to see what this looks like.

How far away are her keys? She's leaving. She left them in Boston. Here we go. What's the over-under on how many keys are on the ring? Oh, I'm gonna say 15.

It's so loud and so heavy and so too much and I literally just took something off of it today. To me it's not keys.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say there's a bunch of other stuff. Yeah, for sure.

And a lot of it is like anxiety stuff. Like this is like an alarm thing. Oh. And then this is like a fidget toy. This is Rose Quartz, a crystal for my spells. This is a bottle opener.

I wouldn't put the alarm thing in the same category as Rose Quartz and a fidget toy. What is that? Personal safety.

They're all keeping me safe in different ways.

I see. Fair enough. Fair enough. That's the key fob to her heart.

Yeah.

I've only got, uh, just one key.

Wow.

That's slick.

That's cool. That's cool.

Wow. It opens everything.

This, you're like, this lady's a mess. You're walking in.

Matt's always locked out of place. It's just like knocking on the door. This is not the right key.

I had a locksmith put the few locks we have all in the same. Yeah, keep it up. Yep, and then this locksmith's come out a few times. One of the last times he was here, maybe he's listening, I don't know, but he's leaving and he goes, I love you. And I go, okay, all right, I love you too. Because this man can enter any room.

Yeah.

Anytime he wants. Yeah, if a locksmith says I love you, you say it back because otherwise.

I'm dying. That's also you know, he went home that night into his wife. He's like, I can't believe I said I love you. And she's like, he no one's gonna remember that in a week. And no one's ever gonna mention it on a podcast. Everyone's gonna forget about it.

His wife comes with him. Wow. Was he talking to her?

That's what he says. That's his story. Baby, I was talking to you.

Wait, that's crazy. What a life. I want to be them. Yeah.

Yeah. It was like, oh, yeah.

I hope I said I love you too, but I don't know. Thanks for watching! If I said I love you to Harrison Ford and he said I love you too, I would not believe it. I'd be like, Harrison Ford, you're famously kind of crotchety. I don't think you love me. I think you're trying to get out of this interaction. And you can't! I gotcha! I gotcha, Harrison!

That was a good Harrison Ford impression, Matt. Can we hear that again? I love you too. That's just Batman.

Have you been watching, what's it called? Shrinking?

Shrinking. I haven't done the work. No, I should. I haven't done the work.

I watched the first two episodes. I have not done the work. It's good. It's very good.

When you say the first two episodes, do you mean of the first season or of the second season that came out?

First season.

Great.

My podcast mate, Kristen Schaal, in our new podcast, she got some huge box of swag from shrinking. And we were the beneficiaries of that. And then we have like two shrinking pickleball paddles and a gigantic like shrinking water thermos. So we're fans. Did she do an episode of shrinking? Or is she on the show? No, we don't know. I don't know. But they wanted her to be aware of shrinking. Of shrinking. And now we are.

And now everyone at the pickleball court knows all about it. I'm going to get through these four riddles that Will did, and then we'll take a quick break. Okay. I have many, many rings, though don't like to be showy. You may call me shady, but guess what? You're below me. Well, that's just a poem I wrote about how I feel about you guys.

Is it Saturn above us?

No, that is a really good guess. That's actually really great, Adal.

Is it Uranus?

Adam, what was the first name that you said?

Bill Russell.

Bill Russell. I was gonna say Mickey Rourke.

He has more rings than anybody else in the NBA.

Doesn't it feel like Mickey Rourke probably just wears a lot of rings? Johnny Depp does.

Johnny Depp definitely does. A lot of rings and bangles, yeah. Billy Bob Thornton, kind of a ring guy. Bunch of rings. Pile of butterfly blood around his neck.

Have you ever worn an auxiliary ring? Not you Erin, I'm asking Matt and Adal.

I can't be part of the conversation? Why, because I have a bunch of stuff on me all the time?

We all know you probably wear a ton of rings, let's be honest.

I do, I do. To fidget with.

I have one friend in my life, who I'll remain nameless, who wears... Hey Erin, what's the word for auxiliary rings? Like jewelry? I guess it's just jewelry, right?

Just like rings, yeah.

What would be a non-auxiliary ring? Like a wedding ring? Like a wedding ring? I think that's like a utility ring? Green Lantern Ring? And we'll see you next time.

I got two auxiliary non-essential rings on. I got a clatter ring from Galway because all the women in my family have these clatter rings. And the heart famously faces out if you're available and single and faces in when you're in love. And I was recently at home with my nieces and my niece is familiar with the ring because everyone in my family has one and she was like, Why is your heart facing in? I was like, well, like I'm in love. So that's and she went and she like winced, took off my ring and faced it the other way. And I was like, whoa, whoa, OK, I guess we're not on board with him yet.

She doesn't approve of who you love or the act of loving?

Both, I think. Anytime there's a romance on a TV show, she's like blech and like goes in the other room. So, I think, but also, Drury's still out on the guy that I'm seeing for her.

And she has a thick Irish brogue.

Yeah, she does. I don't approve of your love. Okay, I think you guys are going to get these next three ones fast, and I'm just putting that out into the universe, not to put pressure on you, but I'm just sort of manifesting that for you. Okay. A unit of comedy on a weekend night or a quick creation, often in black and white.

I could be a lyric, I could be a pole, or maybe your local watering hole.

Bar. Yes. A bar. You got that so fast.

A bar. A beast of burden.

You were right about us getting these.

I know. See, I just believed in you and then you could do it. That's what it is.

I haven't even rung in yet here. Here we go.

A beast of burden or a throat that's sore. If I see JP- Horse. Yes.

You didn't even need the last line. Wow.

You each got one, too. And I believed in you. All right, everybody, you deserve a quick rest. We're going to do some Capri Suns and orange slices in the break, and then we'll see you when we get back.

OK. I love you.

Love you. Love you. I know.

I know. I know.

Check. Rocket. Check. Money. Money. Guys, money.

Oh, actually, I have a little bit of money because I've been using rocket money.

Oh, Erin, what's rocket money?

It's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. JPC clearly didn't do that because he's backing out of this rocket sort of shrugging.

Oh gosh. You were all talking about rocket money and I was selling parts of this rocket for money that I was then using on a bunch of monthly subscriptions.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. And I just found here, tell me if this is right, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. $740 is what I need to get my rocket to get me into space.

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Whoa, guys, I'm doing it. Look. Oh, wait. Oh, I can fly. Sorry. Guys, I can fly.

Oh, this is a dream. I knew it. Okay.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Um, Adal JPC?

Hey, what's up Erin?

Can I show you something?

Oh yeah, anything.

I am keeping track of all of JPC's crimes against humanity and I decided to make a new website using Squarespace.

Oh! I'm so glad you have a good attitude about this. I did press a lot of people. Is that something that's on the website? Wow, look at that!

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Oh, yeah. And if you want to, uh, I don't know, support JPC or, or, um, uh, just donate because you feel bad for what he's done. Squarespace has donations. You can fundraise directly on your website and grow your impact with built-in donation tools. Create a professional on-brand website that makes it easy to accept one time or recurring contributions and engage supporters.

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Wait, I don't get, I don't get, there's not like a little kickback for, I don't get. No. What?

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You ate the pyramids? Sorry, I just went on Erin's website. You ate the pyramids? I ate A pyramids. Ah, JPC.

Yeah, it's the same thing. It's the ones in Egypt.

Yeah, those are the ones I ate. Yeah, that's our JPC.

JPC, good news. I got something for Mariah for Mother's Day.

Oh, that's so nice. I also got a little something for Mariah for Mother's Day.

Well, Beverly Shoebadoo did. My alter ego that's trying to steal your wife.

Yeah, that makes sense. Mine is a Beverly Shoebadoo repellent spray, and Brian can just kind of clip it to her little lapel, and then if any Beverly Shoebadoos get too close, it's spritz spritz, game over.

She's not going to want to use it. You know what she does want, and what I got her, is an Aura digital picture frame.

Oh, that's a better gift.

Yeah.

That's a better gift.

Aura Frames was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and featured in 495 gift guides last year. So the next time you need to call your mom, you can send her a new pic of you from that trip you're telling her all about right from your phone. So I can sort of send photos of Beverly Shubadoo blowing kisses, Beverly Shubadoo sort of writing her letters. I can send it right to your house and she can see it in the photo frame.

I know.

Your frame.

I mean, the functionality is great. I don't love the execution of it. Adal, you want to jump in here?

Adal's on my side.

Yeah, I'll say two years ago I got my mom an Oura frame. It's her favorite gift she's ever received. She won't stop talking about it. Sometimes I'll come to visit her and she's like, why'd you come? I have all these photos of you. No need. So it's almost too good a gift. Too good of a gift.

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Happy Mother's Day, Mariah, from Beverly Shoo-ba-doo.

Shoo-ba-doo!

And I trust you're going to play this for her?

Oh, she won't listen.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Alright Erin, I am hungry for some more riddles.

Oh yeah? Well, I'm fresh out.

Oh Erin, please.

No more riddles. No more riddles.

Erin, could you plant some more?

I guess I could plant some. Fine, fine. I will do some. Matt, how are you feeling about riddles so far?

I mean, better than you, if I'm being honest, you know.

Finally, someone says what we've all been wanting to say.

I mean, it's new to me, so it's fun. But I can understand if you've been in Riddle Town for a little too long, it just says, you know, but I'm enjoying it.

I think it's funny to track Erin's, just over the course of the last hour, her relationship to Riddles has changed four or five times. It was like, she hated them, she committed herself to loving them, she had fun with one, and now she seems like done with the concept of them.

She's going through Keebler's seven stages of Riddles.

I think that's why my niece flipped my ring around. She was like, girl, you're a mess. I don't know about all that.

Erin, you might want to check to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might want to take your rose quartz back to the store and see if maybe we could get it tested because it feels like maybe- What?

No, it works.

No, it feels like the energy's off.

A witch sold it to me! It works!

Erin, what do you- which one do you hit? We need to play a game. Which one do you hit if you're like, a wizard is approaching you in a parking lot? Like, are you jamming that rose quartz? Are you hitting the alarm?

Okay, I got some options.

Is it your apartment key? You're like, come on over.

Oh my god. I assume I'm going to be using my bottle opener. Are we not having a beer together? I'm pretty sure it would be that.

Big robes, big hat, two Michelob Ultras just walking across the parking lot to you.

I got this bottle opener from a friend of the show, Jasper Cartwright, who was on our show a few years ago. Also another head gummer. How about that, everybody?

Now every time you unlock your car, you think of your time together.

Exactly. Exactly.

I also don't know how I feel about calling someone a head gummer. I don't think I've heard it phrased that way before. What are we called?

Yeah, sounds pretty cool to me.

I guess it's fine to be a head gummer. I feel like if someone called me a head gummer in any other context, I'd be like, fuck you. You don't know what I do.

Yeah.

Head gummer. It's what you are though, so.

Yeah.

Get into it. A head gummer, it kind of sounds like what my baby went through before they, you know, grew teeth. Like, I'm like, yeah, he's just like a little head gummer.

What about like a choo-choo? Is that fun? You know, because what do you do with gum? You chew it. Chew it. But you can't call someone a chew because that sounds like there's something more to come. So choo-choo. Sounds like a breed of dog, of course, but... You're trying what a train does.

You're trying to get after like a swifty kind of fan base name like, uh, who are Lady Gagas? The Monsters? The Little... Monsters, I think? The Monsters. Hello Monsters.

We've had... What was ours? Horny Lizards? We had a name for our fans. Future Lizards. What was I thinking of?

That is a thing, a horned lizard, aren't those the ones that spit blood out of their eyes? Yeah, they squirt blood out of their eyes. What? Rare blood.

Okay, that's gonna make me look young forever. Give me a vial of that!

I feel like both times rare blood has come up, Matt has been the one kind of pushing the rare blood agenda up.

Sort of a blood guy, I guess.

You have a new weird pet store, is that right? You want to promote? Yeah.

Well, Matt, on the Extraordinarians podcast, do you have a name for your listeners yet?

Well, the podcast, as we're recording this in real life, it has not come out yet, so we don't have any listeners, but no, I'm open to suggestions.

I forgot, we had Tony on the show and it felt like so long ago, but I'm like, oh yeah, we had Tony on the show to promote the show and his episode hasn't come out yet as of recording this, so it's not out yet.

Yeah, it could come out this week. Yeah, it's this week. No, we don't have a name for Extraordinarians Nation yet, so.

Well, I'm sorry to say that Future Lizards is already taken, so you'll have to come up with something that is not Future Lizards. That's our domain.

Okay.

What about Swifties?

Yeah.

What about Horny Lizards? No.

Horny Lizards. Butterfly Blood.

The Butterfly Blood Lizards.

Well, but then you run up against the Butterfly Crips, which is going to be a real mess. Yeah. You really don't want to do that.

So, um, I lost my page in this book, so I'm gonna wing it. I had, I, sometimes, I had it bookmarked and I had, and I can't find where I was, but I, I'm going to go, I'm going to read some other riddles from it.

Oh, okay. Let the universe guide you to a riddle.

I'm using my rose quartz.

Yeah.

to sort of guide me to what is supposed to happen next. Okay, so in this book, I would say these feel less riddles and more like, and Adal, I know you hate this, but more like facts that you sort of have to suss out and get to. So you're just gonna try to like think, like a lot of these are like historically significant or real life examples. And you'll see what I mean. And you just sort of have to like suss out why. It's more like solving a little mystery.

It's a classic lateral puzzle.

Why did Alexander the Great order all his men to shave? Why did Alexander Great

Order all his men to shape.

I gotta be honest, in my mind's eye, I was picturing, when Matt said it that way, I was picturing him pacing back and forth in court, like he's making a case for the jury of like, Why?

Why? Did Alexander the Great order all his men to shoot?

Just that lawyer cadence of like, I'm spinning a yarn.

I did play a lawyer on TV in, um, A heart of Dixie and that show is set in the south and they were like, please come in with a southern accent and I did like foghorn leghorn. It was the best. Oh, we got to hear it. I was like, I said to the, I was like, I don't feel great about this accent. They're like, ah, it's fine. And then I came back for another season and just stopped doing the accent.

Okay, I sorry, guys, I didn't I, I'm a huge Veep fan. So it was already a little starstruck. And now that I know you're in Hart of Dixie, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. I watched all of that show and I cannot stress it enough one sitting. One sitting. I injected Hart of Dixie into my veins.

It was COVID, you know, we were all going through rough stuff.

Yeah, COVID, not several years before that. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Matt, I hope Daniel Craig follows your lead in the new, uh, in the new Knives Out.

It's funny when you're watching a movie and you think like, it's going to be a bit that that accent is bad, right? And then the bit never, like Don Cheadle in that Ocean's Eleven, you're like, surely he's gonna. Oh yeah.

I feel like if accents on Hart of Dixie, everyone was swinging for those big southern accents. So yours fit right in.

Matt, the one we bring up the most, or at least JPC and I bring it up the most, is John Malkovich in Rounders. I don't know if you've ever seen that, but he plays like Tony HGB or something. His accent is like syrupy Russian.

Instagram served me up like a Matt Damon interview snippet, and it's always like when you're so ashamed of what the algorithm is putting in front of you, but you eat it anyway. He tells a story about hearing Malkovich do that on the first day, and John Malkovich looks at him and goes, I'm a terrible actor.

That's so funny.

Why did Alexander agree? But this is a true thing that he really did. Was it lice?

No, but I like that you're thinking like this. The accent that has been popular in my house lately has been the dealer from Casino Royale who's like, Mr. Bond, fold.

That's pretty good. When you guys are doing laundry.

Why did Alexander the Great order all his men to shave?

Is this something to do with, like, in battle, somebody can't pull, like, pull their beard? Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

Bearded men could be grabbed by the beard in close combat. I would like to see a scene.

I'm just going off when I fight, and I always yank on the beard. Yeah.

Beard, balls, back. The three B's. The three B's. You gotta get rid of all of them.

Matt and Adal, you are two of Alexander the Great's men, who clearly did not shave, and JBC, you're Alexander the Great, sort of cussing them out.

Alright men, today we ride to bat- What? What the f- Chris, Trevor, to the front. Both of you guys to the front. Are we in trouble? Oh, Alexander, please. I was just- I'm trying to get ready for this here coming battle. No. No. And I know everyone's from all over because I'm a conqueror or whatever, but the rules apply to- Look, turn around. You guys face the rest of the army. What do you see? Clean shaven faces.

Yeah, I just thought they were young.

We said we were willing to shave in the audition, so... And I did not.

Here's some lemonade. Um... Can't... Can't... And call me... Sorry, uh, Alex. Call me... Dumb. Alexander, we're not friends, you and I. Okay. Uh, call me dumb, but can't our opponents also just grab us by the hair? Are we shaving our heads now too?

What? Take your helmets off! Oh my god, you guys still have hair?

I got a ponytail as long as the Mississippi River. I'll kill you.

No, I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I guess everyone in the army is just doing their own thing, but you know what? That's not the way armies work, okay? It was a simple instructions, shave face, shave heads, and you know, it's just astounding that the two of you can't follow simple instructions. What are you hiding under those beards?

I mean, I have a weak chin. You do?

As do I. It is a shame I've carried all these years.

Oh my God. I feel so close to you. I feel connected, tethered even. I would die for you. I would take a spear to the tummy for you.

If you show me your weak chin, I will show you mine.

Wait a second. This gives me an idea for a new way to fight in combat. We put everyone with weak chins in the front lines. They die out. We don't have to worry about them kind of like messing up by like Alexander the Great gene pool with their like weak recessive chins. Huh? Weak chins, strong hearts.

Weak chins, strong hearts. Weak chins, strong hearts.

Whatever, guys. Weak chins, strong hearts. Can't lose.

Yeah.

All right.

That was fun.

That was fun. I cannot believe that I'm talking to someone from Hart of Dixie. Truly.

Oh, yeah. In the honor of a lifetime. Someone from Hart of Dixie. Do you guys want to guess what my character name was? I can't wait.

It's pretty good. Were you related to Lemon? That's the only name I remember.

Was it like Percy? It's close.

I'm gonna guess it was Huxtable Primrose. It was Scooter McGreevy.

That rocks. Pretty good. Scooter McGreevy? Sounds like a new Denny's dish.

Yeah.

Were you a romantic interest for Rachel Bilson on the show?

Oh, no. No. Never had the pleasure of sharing the screen with Rachel. I was the romantic interest for someone, briefly, and I forget who they were.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Scooter McGreevy, come a-caughtin'.

Uh, Scooter McGreevy, meet me in the gazebo. Which gazebo? Pans around and there's 500 gazebos.

I will say, you guys, that show was, I'm not even kidding, mostly gazebos, if you can believe it. Yeah.

Well, I'm convinced Warner Brothers produced that show because they have that famous back lot from like Back to the Future that's a town square with a big city hall. And they're like, we got to shoot something in here.

I would love if they had like a warehouse full of gazebos and like, we gotta offload these, we gotta make gazebos popular.

Can we get a writer on the horn? My God.

So you filmed on the Back to the Future lot?

Yeah, it's still, I mean, that's amazing. That's the Warner Brothers lot. It's all, it's all there.

That's cool as hell.

Yeah.

Alright, couple more riddles.

Yes, please.

This time with a good attitude. I'm really back on board. Here we go. A boxer left the ring after winning the world championship. His trainer took all the money and he never got a cent. Why not?

I know it.

Tell us.

He never got a cent as in smell?

No, he never got a cent as in... Was this like Don King? Money.

He probably got lots of cents because... He's a dog.

Mystery solved. I'd like to see maybe one last scene. Sure. JPC, you are one of those like classic cinematic trainers, and Matt, you're the dog that he's giving a pep talk to before you get in the ring to box.

Okay. I don't know. I don't think I can go out there. It's gonna be rough. Okay, look, you don't, you don't have to win. That's all I'm saying. You just have to go out there and give it your all for four rounds and then go down. That's all you have to do, okay? No one's expecting you to win.

Wait, are you saying I have to go down in the fourth or I should go down in the fourth?

I'm not saying that you absolutely need to go down to the fourth, but if you felt like you could make it to the fourth, that would be kind of ideal for all the parties. You could run around for a long time, because he's going to have to punch really low to hit you. Yeah, but wait a second. And here we go, we're in the fourth round, Evander Holyfield vs. Oreo.

And so far Holyfield is absolutely demolishing Oreo. Oh and here's a windup from Holyfield. Oh and it looks like Oreo's trainer in the corner is giving him a signal to sit, roll over. Oh no, what a scandal we're seeing here today folks. Wait, is it obvious that's what I'm doing? Uh oh.

Si. Steve.

That was improvised, by the way.

Yeah. I would love a boxing commentator commentating live in a boxing match being like, well, it looks like his trainer's having him throw the fight. You can just say that.

I've never been to a dog show, and I've never been to a boxing match either. Those would be great to go to.

What do you think you'd have a better time at?

I've been to a cat show. Whoa. That was amazing.

I like when they hold the cats like guns.

Oh yeah.

Lengthwise. The cats are huge. I do that with my cats where I cock them.

Now Adal, I felt a little trepidation of you not saying cock them and then you ended up saying cock them.

I was trying to find a better term.

No other way to say it.

Yeah. Reload. I reload my cats.

Yeah.

Like Henry Cavill reloads his arms in Mission Impossible.

Now, Matt, do you have any cats? I don't. We would. Everybody loves them.

My wife... A yard full of butterflies.

Yeah. But my wife's allergic, so... And one of my daughters, so that would... It's a bummer. So we don't have any pets right now, but it's one of our goals.

Pets the best.

Pets are the best. You gotta develop that cat inoculation. You gotta get those cat shots. And so eventually you can not be allergic to cats anymore. That works? I know no one who's ever done it, but I do know that it is a service that can be done. But I also know that allergies just change over time. Because I used to be allergic to cats and I'm not anymore.

I know someone that did it with dogs and it worked.

Wow. Possible. They're secure. I had no idea.

Want to do one more riddle before we get to plugs and hear about your new podcast?

Just real quick, JPC pounced on me saying I cocked my cat and yet when- Well you're pouncing on your cat.

Erin said I used to do it with dogs.

When Erin said I know someone who did it with a dog. All right, last riddle. Last lateral thinking puzzle. What took 19 years to get into itself? What took 19 years to get into itself?

Is this like Frasier or like... Yeah, Frasier didn't start watching Frasier until season 7.

They really hit their stride in year 19.

You know, this is actually very good.

Oh, shut up, Niles. This is my Frasier.

Denial's not just a brother on Frasier.

19 years to get into itself sounds like a college or something. Is this like the 10 Years War?

Yeah, Harvard didn't get into Harvard until it was 19.

Was there a 10 Years War? There's a 100 Years War. Great War.

is it some sort of time unit thing like a not a time unit that i is this something that's like like like a whiskey or like a wine that's like aged or something no you guys are thinking really worse no you can something you can hold in your hands

Oh, is it the universe from Men in Black where he zooms out and it's on a cat's collar or something? That's what it is.

It was like Egger. A guy wearing an Egger suit.

I often think people on the street might be wearing, is that what it's called? The Egger suit?

Yeah, when they interviewed that woman and she's like, it looked like Egger, but he was wearing like an Egger suit. And he goes, D'Onofrio goes, give me sugar in water. Oh, that's a pretty good D'Onofrio. Is his name Edgar? Is she trying to say Edgar? His name is Edgar, but she's like Southern, and she says Egger.

For forever, I thought his name in the movie was Egger. I thought his name was like E-G-G-E-R, and I just thought, what an interesting name for a person. I didn't understand that it was like Edgar. Before I lose it, let me just… Matthew Murdoch.

Oh. Daredevil. Come here. It's me. Kingpin. Nah, I lost it.

I don't know.

Full Metal Jacket. Nah, I lost it. Yeah, he famously says the title of the movie in that. If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to go full metal jacket.

Yeah. What's your sort of key phrase for getting into that D'Onofrio? How do you lock in like that?

Full metal jacket. Erin, so the number 19, is that like super... That's not going to be helpful. Okay, it's not.

It's something that... Is this like a book? Yes. Is this the Bible?

Yes.

19.

It's the Bible?

No, it's something like that.

It took 19 years to get into itself.

It might be second place. to the Bible in itself.

Dan Brown's Angels and Demons? Yes. The New Testament.

We talk about Angels and Demons and the Da Vinci Code so much on this show. Why is it, this is not in the culture anymore. Why does this come up so much? What is wrong with us?

I would love it if you went to the airport and you saw a copy of the Da Vinci Code and it had big bold letters, like a sticker on the front that just said, second popular to the Bible.

Not in the culture anymore. Okay, so it's a super popular book, and your own opinion is that it's the second best book, second to the Bible. Is it the Koran?

Well, not in my opinion. This is sales. Yes.

Is it the secret? And why would it be in itself?

The dictionary. Why would it be in itself? It took 19 years to get into itself. It's the dictionary. No.

The dictionary. Oh. Oh.

Not the dictionary. The source? No.

The encyclopedia.

No. Much more whimsical. Guinness Book of World Records. Guinness Book of World Records.

The Guinness Book of World Records.

Fuck that book. Whoa.

Wait, what does it have the record for? Most Book of World Records?

Second most sold book of all time, which I thought, I don't know, I didn't realize that there was second place would get a spot in the book.

Well, it does if you write the book. If you write the book, second place gets a trophy. Is that true?

That lateral thinking book that I don't know where it's from says so. It must be true.

I do want to see a quick scene.

Okay.

I want to see a quick scene. Matt and Erin, you're a couple and it's December 31st and it's like 20 minutes till midnight. Your one goal for this year was to break a world record. You're almost out of time, so you're panicking to try and find a record to break.

Um, okay, we're in so much debt, trying all this stuff. Okay.

Maybe we're the most in debt forever, trying to break a world record.

No, the neighbors of you already did that. That's why we're competing against them. Okay, let's see. Most annoying? No.

Best? No.

No.

Loudest?

Oh, yeah. Loudest.

Today we're

Three. I want a divorce. Two.

I love you.

I know! Happy New Year! Scene. Scene.

I love just going, most? No. Busiest? No.

No. Least?

Least.

The newspaper flash hits the screen and it's like, most doomed couple.

Well, Matt, we would love to hear about your new head gum pod, because you're a head gummer now.

Was that lateral puzzle purposefully picked to segue into the theme of the podcast?

Twas.

Oh wow, really good. Well, it's funny you should mention world records because I am doing a podcast, which I'm just learning to talk about now, so bear with me, but it's me and Tony Hale, and from Veep and Arrested Development, that guy, and Kristen Schaal from Everything, Bob's Burgers, and Play of the Concord.

Play of the Concord.

Yeah. And we speak to people who essentially have broken a world record but could also have accomplished something In this sort of unlikely realm. So we've spoken, we have, you know, 20 minute conversations with people who have broke the record for highest slackline. This guy walked a slackline between two hot air balloons. So it wasn't the longest slackline, it was just elevation. A young man who did the most flips in one bounce from a trampoline

Whoa. Oh, Jesus.

Twin sisters who do dog sled racing. And we've, you know, so this podcast comes out in April, which, you know, your listeners won't. The distant past. Yes. But I honestly thought these conversations would, these people would be just wild. But they've been a lot more, um, Kind of inspiring and profound than I thought they would be. It's sort of about ambition and confidence and risk-taking and, you know, being true to your own desire, you know, in a way that... That's awesome. Yeah, these are people who have, you know, are doing pretty out there things just to sort of Please subscribe, like, and comment! So yeah, and they're kind of funny as well. So, and it's maybe you guys have this experience as well, but it's kind of fun to have conversations with strangers that have kind of a time limit, you know, you're like, Oh, wow. So, so you get to sort of like speed data, you get to an insight into these people's lives, you can kind of just ask them questions in a way that you can't in a real world scenario. And then after What's up? So yeah, that's the podcast. And we have other little bits that sort of surround those interviews, but we'll see. It's, you know, we're in that moment right now where we're like, I don't know what the reaction will be, but it was fun to make. So yeah, it's kind of the best place to be, I feel like.

Yeah, for sure.

That's outstanding.

We'll check out Extraordinarians on HeadGum. We'll probably throw the link in the show description as well. So you can just go right to our show description and link to their show. Matt, thank you so much for coming on. It was an episode blast. Thank you.

That was so much fun. You guys are so funny and smart and great at talking.

You're the first person to ever say that to us. Erin, do you have anything you need to plug? No, I got nothing. Adal?

I want to plug Vincent D'Onofrio. If you've never seen The Cell, pretty mind-expanding movie, pretty trippy, great performance in that. His whole sort of canon is pretty great.

And I'll just say very briefly that we're, to remind people, we're on tour this year. We're going to at least 10 cities. You can get tickets, heyriddleriddle.com slash live. And so we'd love to see you if we're coming to your city. We'd love to have you come to our show. Okay, Erin, can we open up that book and do one more lateral thinking problem? Because there's a favorite that you always pose at the end of an episode.

Yeah, sure. I threw it on the ground. I didn't throw the book behind me, so I will just say Jupiter. And good night, and goodbye, and we'll see you soon.

And good luck.

Whoa! Wow, Casey. Smash cut to a cat's asshole. That was... Casey... This is what you're missing when your wife has... Oh, man.

That was crazy.

When your wife has cat allergies. That's what you're missing, Matt. Casey, I kiss you not. That was a cat's asshole. It was a hyper close. You have to warn people. You have to warn people before you show them a cat's asshole.

We're sorry about Casey. We're horrified. We'll fire him. We're so sorry.

He's done. This is his last day. And I gotta tell you, if you read Tarantino's screenplays, so many of them are smash cut to a cat's asshole. Extreme close-up. Yeah, they really have to reel him in.

A cat's hairless

Casey, you're so desperate to get an after credits in every episode that you do shit like this just so we have to put the cat's asshole thing up. What is your cat's name? That's Trey. Trey here, Trey sit, Trey right there, Trey no boot.

Perfect.

Hey there, nurses and hearses. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's improv from a hospital. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

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