Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

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Hey guys, we just got a letter from the Riddle Council and I'm reading through it.

Yeah. How bad, Erin? How bad?

They're not happy. They're not happy that we called ourselves a Riddle podcast.

They're like fuddy-duddies, you know, those guys. Is it like a cease and desist or whatever?

Cease and Decease.

Yeah. Stop and Die.

Stop and Die. Cease and Deceased is one of the worst letters you could send someone. Not only should they stop what they're doing, but they should die.

I think that's a good if someone's ever like annoying you to just yell stop and die.

Oh guys, they're really mad that we put Riddle in our title twice and we only do a couple of riddles per episode.

Oh my god. I honestly had to think about that for a second. I was like, is it in there twice?

We have 90 days to kill each other or they'll do it for us. Oh my god. Should I just put it in the paperwork pile? I don't really want to deal with this.

Whenever someone's like, you have 90 days to do something or I'll do it for you, I'm like, well then you'll be doing it for me. I mean, what kind of threat is this?

And we should say, even if you think, listeners, even if you think you haven't heard about the Riddle Council, their tendrils are everywhere. RC Cola, that stands for Riddle Council Cola. Anything else? It might just be the one.

It just might be that. But even that is like... Oh, and I know it's not like the biggest brand of cola. Maybe you haven't heard of it or seen it in like 20 years, but it's bigger than your brand of cola. Yeah. Except you, Jake Pepsi. Knife right in the neck. Oh, thank you. You opened up my R.C. Kotlow.

Very famous people have been in the Riddle Council. Ray Charles, Russell Crowe, Rosemary Clooney, Roger Clemens.

Erin, I'm going to ask this one time and I'm not going to ask it again. Did you Google celebrities with R.C. initials?

I'm not allowed to Google.

Wow. There must be. I just got a letter from the Riddle Council. Said there must be punishment for Erin breaking the rules.

Rob Corddry. Oh my God, what's the punishment? What do I get? This was my rule and I broke it.

I can't think of anyone without Googling. A celebrity that is R.C. Rosemary Cash.

Richard Kixon. Raul Culia.

Oh boy. Can I even think of... Roberto Clemente. Ron Kerlman. Oh boy. Just anyone with an R first name would be helpful.

Well, anyways, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, a title that's JPC. We're not allowed to Google this here, and I broke the rule.

Yeah. Erin, do you mind stepping to the side here? Oh, okay. Just for one second. Yeah. Hey JPC, what do we think the punishment should be? Maybe she now has to Google every episode?

That's actually a really good punishment. We caught her smoking though, she has to smoke the whole pack.

The whole pack. Put her in the closet, they'll come out till you smoke the whole pack. Which is insane, because where's that smoke going? If you're smoking cigarettes in the closet, till the pack's gone.

Yeah, and all my jackets are in there.

Guys, sorry, I'm smoking a whole pack of cigarettes.

Oh. Hey Erin, you never have to apologize for being cool. Okay.

Erin, every episode we are now going to ask you to Google something, and you have to Google it.

Oh, Erin, the point of this will not be knowledge, it will be punishment. We will be having you Google some of the worst stuff that you could ever imagine Googling.

Erin, go ahead. Do you have your Google Open Trader?

Yeah.

I want you to Google. Um, Richard Gere net worth.

Richard Gere gerbil.

No. No. We all know what's going on there.

Richard Gere Trump. Richard Gere net worth 2024.

Yeah, what is his net worth?

It said Richard Gere put a gerbil up his ass. No, that's not what it said. Um, he, in 2024, he sold his Connecticut home for 10.75 million. And he was planning on moving to Spain.

Just put 10.8. What are we doing? Yeah, what are we doing? Erin, I'm so sorry. That sounds like a very cool, successful sale, but that does not... He's worth 120 million.

Thank you! Says the internet, but the internet also says you're worth a million, so... Which is way low. Yeah, it's way low. You just sold your kinetic at home for 10.8 million.

He just bought Richard- He paid up the ass for Richard Gere's- He paid up the ass? He paid a terrible up the ass for- Alright Erin, go ahead and Google Unabomber manifesto good points question mark.

Why is it at jpc.net? What is this?

There's some good points in there. Ted Kaczynski knew his stuff. Complete psychopath.

Knew his stuff.

He went to MIT, right? Yeah, I think so. MIT, that's the one that is in like a shack in the middle of the woods, right?

We've all been to MIT.

Did I go to the school?

No, but I've walked through the campus.

I've worn an MIT. T-E-N-S.

Cool. This guy's worn mittens. That's fucking sick, bro.

All right, well, Erin, you're in huge trouble. If you're listening to this, we are currently in the middle of the ocean. Isn't that crazy? We don't like to announce kind of where we are or where we're going to be on the podcast because of killers. But if there's any of you, what are they called? Oh, pirates. If there's any of you pirates out there that are listening to this, you know where to find us. We're in the middle of the ocean right now, baby.

What do you think you're doing right now? How long has this episode come out?

This episode drops at 3 a.m. Central Time. So, right when this episode drops, Wednesday, 3 a.m., I am... Is that when it drops?

I thought it dropped at midnight Central Time.

No. 3 a.m.

Oh, okay.

And Erin, you post some of these episodes. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, yes, yes, yes.

Erin, I've been posting at midnight as well.

Okay.

Oh no.

He's going to make you smoke the whole pack, Adal.

We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it in prompt to a little meeting. So we, when they, when the network emails us, unfortunately we do have to read those emails. I know. I know.

I think I'm thinking of the Patreon. I post the Patreon at 10pm.

Yes, Erin, that is correct. The Patreon post at midnight. That is correct.

And then 1am is for the main feed.

Which for you is 3am.

No, it's 1 a.m. for me. It's for you, it's 3 a.m.

Yeah, but it's essentially the same thing. This is a main feed episode. So we all figured it out. We know where we are.

Why does it feel like a Patreon?

I'll say right now, Wednesday, 3 a.m., I'm probably eating breakfast or lunch.

Yeah. I wonder what I'm doing. Well, it would be kind of 5 a.m. I think I'm probably asleep right now, and then I'm probably sort of laughing with my friends, if you're listening to this later in the day.

I'm probably asleep right now, but Mariah did tell me the other night we were sleeping and she kind of like, I think she woke up, she had to go to the bathroom or something, but I was asleep as well and she saw me go, what? While I was asleep. Now, I don't remember this at all.

Scary.

But I had a little laugh and I kind of gave a little like, what's going on? Like, what is this? So, I don't remember, when we talked about it the next day, I don't remember if I was having a dream. I very rarely remember my dreams, but I thought that was funny. I thought that was fun. I was having a good time in a dream, so that's my guess.

That's pretty good. You have dream friends.

Scary stuff, man. Scary stuff.

Scary stuff. How many sharks do we think we've seen at this point on the boat?

Lone sharks?

We're real sharks.

Do they fart?

No. Why would they? Do sharks fart? Oh, Erin. JBC, this is the perfect episode for Erin to have broken her oath. Erin, please Google, do sharks fart.

Erin, go ahead and Google, do sharks fart.

Do sharks fart. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do sharks fart. Do, do, do, do.

Most sharks do not fart. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. But sand tiger sharks... What shark?

What shark? He's throwing off all the data.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Adal's dead. This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

They are calling out one shark.

Casey loves it too. That's so embarrassing. I would be so embarrassed if I was you.

It feels like the answer is also written by sharks. Do sharks fart? Most sharks don't.

And then whoever, whatever shark said that turned their head to look at like Kyle to look at like one shark specifically.

Famously can't turn their head. Turn their whole body. It's not subtle at all. They turn their whole ass body to look at one shark.

Oh you guys, I'm crying.

Shark just ate a big bean fish. It's like, what?

Kyle's like, I guess I'll keep moving or else I'll die. Like I have to keep going to different communities because I'm the one shark who farts. That's a children's book. The One Shark Who Farts.

I love it.

Hold on, I'm writing this down.

You were saying that what type of shark does fart?

You guys, I have terrible, I've got good news and good news. Sand tiger sharks can release gas bubbles from their cloaca.

Just say fart. What are we doing?

But most shark species do not fart. But other fish. You guys. Some bony fish have swim bladders that are connected to their digestive tract. These fish can release gas from their swim bladders through their mouths. Through. Their. Mouths.

Fish are farting through their mouths. This changes everything. Fish fart out their mouth. Not all sharks fart. One does.

Only one shark farts.

What would you do if you were hanging out with some friends and a friend, like, burped, but the sound that came out from the burp was the sound of a fart?

I would find new friends. There's a burp! Jellyfish, corals, and sea anemones cannot fart. Oh no.

That must be so painful.

Yeah. Does it say can or does it say may? Is it one of those things where you ask your teacher, like, can I go to the bathroom?

And they're like... They may fart. They may fart. Squid, octopus, and cuttlefish can fart.

Oh, I believe squids can fart.

Sharks don't pee. Their urine is absorbed into the flesh.

What? That's not healthy. Honestly, that sounds like the most healthy thing. It sounds like sharks are wearing a steel suit, like they're like Fremen. I would honestly, if you told me that I could just absorb the pee, ugh, God.

But what if, I hate to do this, maybe the number one answer of all time from our podcast, how would you pee out the poison?

Yeah, that's right, the poison would just stay in. That'd be rough.

Shark skin feels exactly like sandpaper, and there's absolutely no way to tell if some fish get thirsty or not.

Erin. What? Erin, we asked you to Google, very specifically, Do Sharks Fart? We did this!

Stingrays can burp! Stingrays can burp!

What did you say about some sharks feel like sandpaper? What was it?

Their skin feels like sandpaper. I thought they were going to be slimy.

What was the other part of that? You said something else.

Uh, stingrays can burp? No. Oh, there's no way to tell if fish can get thirsty.

Yeah, Erin, what are you talking about? They live in water.

I know, well, they absorb water. There's no way.

How do we even begin to unpack this?

Saltwater fish have to drink.

There's no way to tell if fish get thirsty.

Birds actually don't fart at all. According to the book, which please buy this book for me, Does It Fart? The Definitive Guide to Animal Flatulence. Birds don't have the necessary gas producing gut. What animals don't fart?

If you have that book, go ahead and send that to the Hey Riddle Riddle PO box. I hope we get 100 copies of Does It Fart? This is like a good is it cake. Yeah.

Most insects don't fart.

Erin, when you say that birds don't fart, does that mean that every time a bird goes to poop, it's successful?

They said that your mom went last night. I don't know.

Whoa.

All right, Erin, this can't be what the episode is. Why?

I wish it was. I wish it was just Erin Googling things. Do insects fart?

Yes, some insects fart, but not all of them do.

That's how we get honey. Yeah, turns to get looks at Mark. Mark, you should be farting.

You're making all the pregnant ancestors look bad.

You're going to absolutely hate these two bugs that fart a lot.

Stink bug and dung beetle.

No, well stink bugs do fart a lot, but termites and cockroaches fart, especially when they eat a high-fiber diet.

Wood farts? I'm actually fine with that because both of those are kind of gross bugs to me, so if you're like, hey, the gross bug does more gross stuff, I'm like, yeah, I already thought it was gross. It's not like, what's a bug I have a really high opinion of? Butterfly? Butterfly. I think butterflies are saints. If I hear any differently about a butterfly, I'll call you a liar to your face. But let me make it clear, moths are disgusting.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, butterflies, pretty sick. Pretty sick looking. I mean, fun to see from a distance. Up close, you're like, damn, you're a real bug. You're a real ass bug. You're just hiding.

Your wings are nice, but the rest of you fucked up. Yeah, it's fucked up and bugged.

I have some riddles from Matthew McNeice Young.

Okay.

And I think that these are a fun format, and I hope that people are inspired by this and they send in more for us. You're going to really like the title to these, okay?

Matthew McNeice Young. That took a turn. I didn't expect the young to be shoehorned in there.

Yeah, and it's also like you've got like... This is good because the Riddle is his name.

Let's dig into it, gang.

You've got like young and niece in there as well, which feels like you it's like there should be like a guy whose name is like Connor O'Nephew O'le or something like that.

That's his cousin.

Yeah. We all know how cousins work. Cousins have opposite names. That's how it works. The inverse of your name. Yeah.

And when I tell you the name of this segment, you can't make a joke, OK?

I won't. Why would I? OK, OK.

These are a game he's calling Celebrity Mouthfuls. Insect farts. Each one will have a celebrity's name and two other things that rhyme with it.

Okay.

So I think we should just get into it. I'll do the first one and then you'll understand.

That's 20 minutes in. Let's get into it.

I really meant to start earlier, but then you guys, we learned that we're only one kind of shark. And that's so important. That's so important for our friendship. Forget it.

This is why we shouldn't Google on the show because this is what happens when we do it.

And this is what happens when the Riddle Committee comes after us. We double down and get worse.

Yep. This is what it sounds like when sharks fart. Boom. Boom. Boom. Prince.

This actor, known for playing Sonny Corleone in The Godfather, is snacking on a French custard dessert while driving on a German highway famous for having no speed limit.

James Caan flan Autobahn.

But you make it into like a coherent sentence.

Hell. James Caan eating... James Caan eating flan on the Autobahn.

Yep.

James Caan eating flan on the autobahn.

This American actor, who starred in Cocoon, is snacking on a soft cheese while riding on a recreational water vehicle.

Wilford Brimley eating soft cheese. Brie?

Wilford Brimley eating brie on a jet ski. I'd like to see a scene.

Wilford Brimley eating brie on a jet ski.

You two are co-workers in GPC. You're sort of known for exaggerating and lying a lot, but this past weekend you really did see Wilford Brimley eating brie on a jet ski, and you're trying to explain this to Adal. And Adal, you don't really believe him.

Have you seen where the new wrenches are being displayed?

Yeah, it's like aisle seven, I think, which is with all the rest of the... Wait, how was your weekend?

Oh, it was good. Went scuba diving, thought a great white was... Great white, which is a new type of shark. It's half pike, you know, the fish pike, and half great white. It was swimming right towards me, but then it farted and I was like, oh, that's not a threat. If that makes sense.

Oh, I'm going to go hang up these wrenches. Yeah, no, that makes sense. I'm sorry. What you just said just kind of... I was going to lie to you about something that I saw this weekend as well.

Oh.

It just kind of feels like you kind of like pre-lied on me.

Oh, sorry.

About this great wake, which I've never even heard of, and like it farted, and like what were you doing in the ocean?

Yeah, I was... You were in the ocean this weekend? Yeah, my cousin's a cartographer, which means he finds maps, and he found some doubloons, a chest full of doubloons from the Spanish Armada that got lost, and we We were able to sort of triangulate the position and dig it up. I get what's going on.

I get what's going on. Huh? Everybody thinks that I lie. No one wants to talk to me. So now everybody's coming up to me and they're coming up with lies about things that they did. No. What? Like I tasted my own medicine.

Ricky. No, it's fine.

You are 8 feet 9, 10,000 pounds. Okay. I get it. I get it. I get it. I saw Wilford Brimley eating Brianna Jetski this weekend. Come on, man. I saw that. That happens to me.

Why would the spokesman for diabetes eat cheese?

Everybody's gonna get gout. Everybody's gonna eat. I hope you get gout. Gout. Team. Whoa. I hope you get gout. Gout. Overreaction. All right, Erin, hit us with another one of these things.

All right, this American politician who served as the White House Chief of Staff for the first six months of Donald Trump's presidency is solving a word puzzle that uses pictures and letters to represent words or phrases with an unborn child.

Sean Spicer? No.

Who was the Chief of Staff? Was it Bannon? Was Bannon the Chief of Staff? No, he was the National Security Advisor. Scaramucci?

I forgot about this character.

Yeah, because like with every of the... My God, 2016, what a time to be alive. All of those like early Trump characters, they lasted for so short a time.

Yeah, a lot of turnover.

Well, maybe do the other parts of it. What's an unborn child?

Born child?

Um, Cletus. Cletus Fetus? Cletus... This person's last name rhymes with fetus.

I'm actually gonna... I googled again.

Omarosa?

A YouTube video on how to say this guy's name.

Scaramichus?

Reince Priebus. Reince Priebus! Reince Priebus! Oh god, I forgot about Reince Priebus.

I forgot about that guy. What about the word puzzle?

Thanks for watching.

I promise myself I'd never sing on the show again. I'm breaking promises left and right.

After Reince Priebus went away, I heard that they retired his jersey. They retired both of those names. They retired the first name Reince and the last name Priebus. We never have to know those two names ever again.

As someone whose name is Adal Shokirafai, Reince Priebus is a fucked name. I'm throwing stones from a glass house.

You're like, okay, the guy's name is Reince Priebus and you're like, oh, that kind of sucks. And you're like, is he a good guy? And someone's like, no. You're like, oh, thank God. Thank God. Thank God I feel comfortable making fun of this man's name.

I once bought a Toyota Priebus and it crapped out on me. After six months? After six months.

Yeah, I once bought some bad shampoo that told me to lather Reintz repeat and I was like, no thank you.

I don't have one to share.

Erin, just do one.

Erin, Google one.

How do you say his first name again?

Reintz.

Reintz.

Like a rhinestone cowboy.

You have the right to remain awful.

This is a absolute plug for me mid episode, but I've been We're re-listening to the Teacher's Lounge podcast. It's a fantastic podcast. And the first nine seasons are available for free, and then you can buy the other ones from the big Grande website. And we've had all of those guys on the show before, but the way that the three of them shit on John Mackey constantly is so funny to me, because they'll all do a run off a pun on someone's name, and they'll take all the good puns, and then they'll be like, John? Well, not John, because it's not John on the podcast, but they'll be like, now you do one, now you do one. And I was like, That's the way that we treat Aaron. That's the way I treat Aaron when we do our pod runs.

And you know what? I'm similar to John Mackie in that way. We do a lot of setting up for other people. It's an honor.

Erin, you're... It's an honor and a privilege. Erin, you're very similar to John Mackie, who's absolutely a delight and a treat, but you're not tall. He's so tall.

Fun fact about John Mackey, my dog loves John Mackey. He just walked in my house and was like, what's up? Are you my brother? I love this. Great vibe. Okay. Let's be serious, guys. No more joking.

I would never. I would never even think to joke.

Let's not send people to a funnier podcast, okay? Everyone hang out here. This Chicago improviser is sitting on an oar.

Oh, this Chicago improviser is sitting on an elf on a shelf.

Adal on a paddle. But how is he sitting? What's a way to sit on something?

Adal straddles a paddle.

Adal straddle paddle. I'd like to see a scene.

I almost went a completely different direction with that because there is a Chicago improviser whose last name is Orr, and I was like, oh, come on. What are we doing here?

How would this person know that?

I don't know. I know it. I'm the one whose brain has to do the thing.

Okay, so the scene I'd like to see is we're all on a camping trip. Sure. And Adal, we've woken up and you're in the middle of the lake straddling an oar and you're trying to explain yourself to JPT.

Okay. The hell is going on out here?

Hey, go back to bed. You're dreaming.

Adal?

You're dreaming. No.

It's two in the morning. What are you... Are you on the lake right now? Erin, get the flashlight.

Wait, what's going on?

I think Adal's on the lake right now.

Adal is, of course, he's awake. It's two in the morning. What are you saying?

No, he's on the lake right now.

Oh no. Adal, what's going on, bud?

Hey, this is a surprise. I thought to... I wanted to get... When you guys woke up, I thought it would be funny Today we're

Okay, he's naked out there. He's naked in the Adal. It's so cold.

We said we'd stop using that as an excuse for our behavior. We're all trying to be accountable.

There are children camping here. And you know those aren't the Muppets.

What are you doing? You're not even on a canoe, you're just on a... You're on an oar? You're like balancing on an oar out there?

What went wrong?

Listen.

I woke up at... Well, I've been up for a while.

Where are your clothes?

They're in the water on a fish. I made a deal. I made a trade. This week, I happened to wander out to the lake. A fish popped its head out and said, I will grant you one wish. I said, a woman carved out of a tree.

He's high. He's high.

He's high.

I'm crawling back into bed. He's high. I'm going to zip myself back into my tent.

Remember OK Go?

I'm in my tent.

Remember OK Go and their videos? Remember when OK Go made that treadmill video?

I don't want to enable you. I do love the OK Go videos though. Remember that car commercial?

Hey Erin, you can be in your tent or you can be out here with us, but you can't participate. I'm not going to be the go-between between you and your tent and Adal in the middle of the lake. I'm just not going to be doing that anymore.

Ask Adal if he remembers the Rube Goldberg machine OK Go video. Ask him.

How would he forget? You think somebody watched one OK Cove video and said, enough of their antics?

I think some of them are not top of mind. Ask him.

Wait, why is it that I can remember their videos but none of their songs? You don't remember when the morning comes?

Ask Adolf, he remembers. There ain't much that's dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her and I, I still need you. Ask him if he knows that one.

How? Because I don't know that one and I wasn't listening well enough to be able to repeat the song.

Repeat after me.

Mom, what's all this noise? I'm gonna get out of the tent.

No, don't worry. It's just the Muppets Bored and Horny out there.

Hey Bored.

Hey Horny.

We are going to go on a very, very quick

Excuse me, are you Erin Keif?

I am. Who's asking?

I have a food delivery for you. It's unhealthy, thawed out patties dripping with grease. And I know you're on a tight schedule, but these will take 40 minutes to cook.

I know who this is. You're the middler. Rips off mustache.

Ooh, that's a real mustache.

Yeah, I know. I wanted to hurt the middler.

I had a mustache last time.

I don't need your icky, icky food because I'm using Tempo. Tempo is a weekly delivery service that delivers chef-crafted meals from a dietician-approved menu fresh to your door.

Yeah, boss, sorry. I actually use Tempo myself. With new recipes each week that are made with real ingredients and nutrient-rich, they make it easy to keep up a healthy lifestyle. For example, I've had the barbecue chicken with cornbread pudding and black beans. It's so delicious and quick to make.

Steve, that sounds amazing.

Oh, you recognize me.

Yeah.

Also, the not-your-nonna's beef lasagna with parmesan. Oh, it's like a home-cooked meal ready in minutes. It's just so easy.

First of all, I told Steve to wear costumes. He's just wearing his t-shirt that says Steve. Which, by the way, Steve, we have to talk about the uniforms because the middler's wearing his... How would I describe this? Midfit? His midfit. This is why, Steve. This is why we're such a good pair. Speaking of good pears, Erin, would you like to have some of these good pears that I pulled off of a pear tree? Or would you rather have Tempo's perfectly portioned lunches and dinners that take the guesswork out of eating well, are fully prepared, and can be heated in the microwave in just three minutes? Do not heat these pears in the microwave, or do.

No thanks, because they offer a variety of meals for different dietary and taste preferences, including protein-packed, calorie-conscious, carb-conscious, and fiber-rich. So for a limited time, Tempo is offering listeners 60% off your first box. Go to TempoMeals.com slash Riddle. That's TempoMeals.com slash Riddle for 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash Riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply. Now get off my front porch, the middler and his sidekick, Steve.

And let us know right into the show, what do we think about the Middler and Steve? Do we think that they have the distance? Can they go the distance? What do you like to see about other ads? Maybe you're an advertiser. Okay, I know. I shouldn't be talking about other advertisers in this ad.

I'm begging you all to email in saying you hate the Middler and Steve.

The Middler is ready to work. Steve might be an acronym. We don't know.

It's not. I know it's not.

His name is just Steve.

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Wow, Erin, that is insane. So, you thought you were ordering a Mai Tai, but you drank a man's Tai?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What a classic Erin mix-up.

Insane. Speaking of Erin mix-ups, I was putting some stuff away, reorganizing my house, and I knocked down my entire little shelf of riddle books that were organized by person who gave them to me. So fun fact, I don't know who gave me this book. I think it might be Molly. San Francisco, Molly. Okay. But I'm not 100% sure. So if you gave me this book and it wasn't Molly, please reach out to me and I'd like to give you credit. I'm so sorry.

This sucks because Molly has her own theme.

I know.

But we can't in good conscience play that theme if this wasn't Molly's book.

I know this is what I mean. This is a huge controversy.

I don't know what to do. This is a dilemma. And I ran into Molly in San Francisco and Molly was like, I gave Erin another book and I'm excited to hear my theme again. Wow.

Okay. So what if we just played the theme and it's not connected to this at all?

I would rather die than give credit where credit is not deserved. Yeah.

Adal, what do you think we should do?

I think we should maybe hum the theme. That way, if it was Molly, box ticked. And if it wasn't, we just happen to be humming a song.

What if we all sing it at the same time? Because I'm sure we all remember how it goes.

Yes.

One, two, three.

Everybody, yeah, rock your molly, yeah.

Okay, guys, we sort of got distracted.

Rock your molly. Backstreet Boys.

Okay, these are all mad scientist riddles.

All of them.

They're all about science.

Erin, no, never mind. It's dumb.

Adal, what is it?

Can you Google the scientists fart?

It says, most scientists don't fart, Kyle. What?

Erin, before you read each of these, could you say, I was working in a lab.

Let's see, am I being paid enough for that? Yes!

Turns out yes. If she said no, I'd be like, what does she think she's worth?

I was working in a lab late last night. How did Mary's little lamb get to Mars?

Wow. And this is a mad scientist question?

No, they're all science riddles. Some of them are mad scientist specific.

Oh, so this has to do with science.

So we have to be... Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, right? So that's got to be important.

No. No.

Mary had a little lamb. Was there any other defining characteristics about Mary's lamb?

This is like a joke, Riddle.

Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

How did Mary's little lamb get to Mars? Is this a joke, Riddle? Come on. How would you get to anywhere? Oh, practice. No, no, no.

Ship.

Yeah, yeah. Practice.

But what kind of?

A spaceship.

What's another way of saying that? How, like, a little kid would say it.

Rocket.

Yeah.

A rocket ship.

Yeah, but then replace one of the words.

But it's a lamb. A lamb ship. No. A rocket lamb. Rocket shank.

Rocket?

Crook.

What's another way of saying lamb, basically?

Lamb sheep. You. Yes. Rocket sheep. It's a walk it cheap.

Yes.

Wow. I hate and love this. I do.

I would like to see it. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.

Um, so, uh, you are going to be, um, uh, two NASA scientists and you're going to be explaining to me, I'm going to be like the astronaut that's going on this mission that due to budget cuts, uh, you have to, um, build the rocket out of wool.

Great. Dr. Anderson, thank you so much for taking the time to come in here and sort of run through some logistics with us.

Absolutely. I'm excited to get back up to a place that I kind of consider my second home, space.

Wow, that's awesome. And how's training going this time around? Feeling good? Feeling ready?

Feeling good. I love the crew. The other two people that we've got going up to space are consummate professionals, top of their scientific fields. Welcome back.

Yeah, and we also can't, a lot of the materials that we usually use, they burn up in the atmosphere or they're lost in the ocean once the ship returns, and it's just getting very expensive. So we have to kind of pivot in terms of the materials we're using for your ship.

Right. And we can afford to send you there, but we can't afford to get you back.

Wait, now, hold on. We're assuming you can hitch a ride from... I was okay with the thing that this gentleman was saying, but...

You want me to take a one-way death mission into space alone? Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words. Your words.

Your words

Yes, so Buca di Beppo... Build a spaceship and team dinner! Buca di Beppo tomorrow at 5. We have a $599 budget. Tuesday at 5 p.m.? Well, yeah.

And then that doesn't include tip, but you won't be there because you'll be in space.

You'll be in space.

I'm going to space today?!

Yep.

Yes, and here's what we've... Sort of balancing the budget, crunching the numbers, we've come up with a few items. Okay. We can make your ship out of straw, We'll see you next time.

I feel like I'm a little mad.

Yeah, I'm a little mad. I thought NASA was getting serious here. Oh yeah? One of my options was to build a one-way spaceship out of sticks, and I don't even get to eat breadsticks at Buca di Beppo?

Yeah, we can't afford to send you up there with food. So I'd say have a big meal before you go, sort of like pasta dinner with protein.

Well, I want to do that! I want to go to Bucca di Beppo in a family style!

No, no, no. We all want to go to Bucca di Beppo, but some of us have higher callings. You just said this was your home away from home. Yeah, your second home. So you probably have food up there somewhere, right?

Well, it's kind of like a timeshare, where it's like I don't really keep anything stocked.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's a vacation house. If you keep food in a vacation house and you're only there three weeks a year, I mean, it's like, oh boy, bugs. You know what I'm saying? Oh. Space bugs.

Also, we've been using your space helmet as a basketball hoop. So if you had one at home or like- How?

How would that even work? We cut a hole in it. You'd have to cut a hole in the- Yeah. Yep, you cut a hole in it. You cut a big hole in it. That's the way. You cut a hole in it.

Dang it. Okay.

That man will die.

Yeah, he'll die in space.

You know what?

He won't make it to space, I'll say that.

Well, not with that attitude. What travels around the Earth all year without using a drop of fuel?

Harlem Globetrotters?

Yeah.

Yeah, however, Globetrotters famously get called for traveling. Never. I don't know.

Do they get called? Maybe they never even make the call. What calls around the world?

Wait, what is it? What travels around the world without using any gas?

Without using a drop of fuel. Oh, Erin, oh my God. What?

What travels around the world without using gas?

A shark!

Sharks. Sharks go all around the ocean.

Sharks don't fart except for one.

That sounds like the beginning to like a Mr. Ed style like theme of like The Amazing Farty Shark. A shark is a shark, of course.

Of course, a shark is a shark.

The Amazing Farty Shark! I'm Farty Shark. I hope I get a promotion at work. I hope I don't fart. I miss real comedies. I wish the comedies were good.

When it was pure.

Good. Travels around the world without using a drop of fuel.

Travels around the earth all year without using a drop of fuel. This one is a good riddle, I think.

Stamp is a good one.

Is it like a rumor? Remember what our topic was a minute ago? What were we talking about?

Math scientists.

Yeah, but specifically the sheep one.

What?

The theming of that one.

Oh, space.

Yeah.

Oh, is it like the moon or the sun?

The moon. I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are the earth. And JBC, you're the moon. And you've been traveling for a really long time. And you're finally working up the courage to ask the earth for some like gas money to split fuel costs.

Welcome back! Keep circling around Crazy though, it's already the 30th. You're dating my sister. No, no, I wouldn't. Yeah, uh, he told me to... Yeah, he said Venus is off limits. It's already the 30th. My man, I could, um... I know you said... I couldn't remember if we agreed on... Like, bi-annually, or... Was it monthly for the paycheck? Jamal, leap year? Paycheck? No, I was trying to think about, like... Yeah, but they're like, I've been up here for a minute and I'm like, have I been paid? Or should I even bring it up? Have we talked about this?

Yeah, I mean, money makes me super uncomfortable, especially when it comes to me having to pay it. Same. Like I went out to eat with Saturn the other day and it just felt... Oh, for real? Oh, for real. Oh, sorry. And I just thought you had something, right?

Now I came because I have to uh but no I yeah I think I must have been on like the dark side or something because like I got like no reception that whole dinner oh yeah but it was a thing of like you know I ate well and then the check comes and then Saturn's like well you had this I'm like what are we doing let's just Let's just split the bill and Saturn's like all I got was ice water and an appetizer and I'm like yeah just it's so much easier to just split the bill but like I feel like it's like different because like you and Saturn are like equals like you're like at the same level and like oh yeah I like definitely like work for you like it's definitely a relationship in which I am like Hey guys, I'm collecting money to buy the sun a birthday gift. Do you guys want to contribute? Damn, it's that time of year already? Son's birthday? Mm-hmm.

I don't have any cash on me. That's okay, Moon can probably cover you, right, Moon? Can someone get me? Yeah, Moon, you got me?

Truly, I'm, like, so cash poor right now. It's like, I don't even have, like, resources.

We can put it on credit, though, right?

Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to do it. I guess I'm going to have to put more on credit.

I mean, the sun is what gives you your light, I feel like.

Yeah, it's not really doing much for me. Just because I don't have like atmosphere or whatever. I'm not really capturing any of that. It's cool. It's chill. Hey. Welcome back everyone!

Yeah, what's your, ooh, you got a nice celestial body.

Jupiter.

Wait, no. Wait, no. No, no, no.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

Okay.

Okay. Put her baby in like a bassinet.

Okay, so a mobile.

Or you rock them to sleep.

Mobile?

Nope.

Rock? Moon rock them to sleep. You rock them to sheep.

It's not a great way to describe a human baby.

Is the answer that you rock them to sheep?

No, it's you rock it to sleep.

You rock it.

You rock it. Wow. Rock it, baby. Yeah, rock it, baby. Elton John's prequel? Before he is a rockin' man and he's a rockin' baby, let's not be crazy. What?

Oh, it's like Muppet Babies, but it's Baby Elton John. Oh my god, it's like Muppet Babies, but it's all the most famous singers of all time as babies. Baby Prince, Baby David Bowie.

Hendrix baby is shredding in your room.

Are they Muppets or are they people? What's going on?

They're babies.

JPC.

They're animated babies.

I am so sorry I spoke in ignorance. Muppets are people. They can fart. They do fart. They may fart.

Some Muppets fart.

Out of the puppeteer's wrist? Gonzo. Look at you, big turd.

What do you call a person who is crazy about going into space?

Space insane?

Yeah, space madness? They got space madness. They're crazy about going into space.

GBC, you suffered from space madness for like two years, right? How did you get through that?

Oh, God. Did I get through it? No, those are two years that are current. I'm in my second year of space madness.

Oh, well, congratulations.

And you think you have a Riddle podcast? That's how crazy you've got?

Okay. It's a person who's crazy. Wait, you said that they...

Can you say the question?

What do you call a person who is crazy about going into space?

A lunar.

I like the way you're thinking, but no.

Crazy about going into space.

That'd be some sort of pun here. We gotta be in a pun.

What's the name of a person that goes into space? Astronaut. Astronauts!

Someone who's astro nuts. Oh, the zero-g like thing?

Yeah, it's like every kid wants to ride in that. That feels like if someone got out of that and barfed, and then another kid at space camp was like, you suck on these astro nuts, like, astro nuts feels like a childish insult.

To me, it was like, this is what the flight attendants on the space station, spacecraft, the rocket, this is what they offer you. They're like astronauts or astropreditals.

Some people are allergic to astronauts.

You guys, what if we did a review crew of three weeks at space camp?

I was on an airplane recently, and yeah, we should go to space camp as adults. Do you think they let us do that? But they were handing out nuts on airplanes, and I was like, I thought that they stopped doing this, but I guess not.

I thought they did too. Yeah, I thought they switched to pretzels.

It was strange. It was like tree nuts, like almonds and cashews and stuff, and I was like, this is interesting.

You witnessed an assassination attempt, I think is what happened. What do you call an astronaut who's afraid of heights?

Coward. Not going to space? Oh.

A failure. That's the answer. Is it a failure? Your joke was real.

Well, here's the thing. Yeah. And I don't know, as I'm talking, I don't know if this is right. When you go into space, you're not necessarily going up. I guess to get out of the atmosphere, you have to go up.

There is no up.

But it could be down. Yeah. Because space is all direction.

Well, yeah, but you gotta go, you have to, you can't go down to leave Earth, you know what I'm saying? That'll get you right, that'll get you deeper. You gotta go up a little bit.

I know, but, like, up could be, like, we just decided that the North Pole was the North Pole, but up could actually be the South Pole.

Directions have no meaning in space, JPC.

I don't know about all that. I think you sound pretty astro-nuts.

You think a guy who's in year two of space madness seems astro-nuts? Erin, I can't wait for this episode to come out. They're going to come for you so hard. You just called someone with space madness astro-nuts?

Whoa, Neil deGrasse Tyson just pushed Erin down a flight of stairs.

God, again? This is a pattern. This is a pattern.

This is a pattern. First as farce, then as tragedy.

Which is lighter, the sun or the earth?

Hey, I wanted to go back for a second though, because, you know, if you're an astronaut and you're afraid of heights, I feel like that's probably, you know, probably maybe a little bit disqualifying. It's probably hard to do. But I also used to think that, again, I'm going to be talking about how I was on an airplane recently. I thought like pilots, one of the things for being a pilot was that you had to have like perfect vision. Maybe that's only like in the military.

Have they lowered their standards?

I got off a plane and both of the pilots had glasses on. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? Are these like... I don't know. Aviators, you know, obviously pilots could wear sunglasses. That's cool as shit. But these were like glasses glasses. Now, I don't know. Maybe they didn't have any lenses in them. Maybe they were just for the look. These were just like fashion glasses like they do in a movie. But is that is that something I made up? Are pilots allowed to have glasses?

I know it was true in the military and they can't be colorblind.

Yes, that's the two things I've heard about pilots is they have to have perfect vision and they can't be colorblind. But I thought that was all pilots, not just military.

I thought it was all pilots too. And maybe these were like, I don't know. I couldn't tell you what it was. I only saw it when the plane was already landed and I was like, wow, it's too late for me to file a report. Yeah. They should let you look the pilot in the eyes before you get on the plane just to make sure. Hold one of those little charts.

It is so interesting. I'm dating someone who has perfect vision. And I'm like, wow, you really... Most people have that. No, but I've never done that. Every other person I've dated has been basically as blind as I am. I have really bad vision.

Whoa.

It's a difference in how you move through the world. I think it changes a lot of your personality.

Erin, do you want to hear something?

Yeah.

I've got perfect vision.

No, you don't.

2020, baby.

I've seen you wear glasses.

It's 2025. Oh, I sometimes have like, they're not prescription, they're like blue blockers. Like for if you stare at your screens. When I used to work in an office and I would stare at a screen all day, I wore like the blue light glasses or whatever. But that's only because I'm sorry, you have perfect vision. Perfect vision. I will say, it'll last forever. Every time I go to the optometrist or whatever, they're like, okay, it's technically 2020, but you know, you're getting old.

Erin, can I blow your mind?

What?

GBC has perfect vision. I have perfect vision.

I have a perfect pigeon. I have a perfect pigeon.

I have the perfect pigeon. Erin, I have the perfect pigeon for you. I know you're not looking.

Who said I'm not looking for a pigeon?

Squabble up.

Which is lighter, the sun or the earth? This will be our last one.

Well the earth is lighter because the sun shines on it. Is that the answer? Something like that? No. Oh. Fuck you.

It's kind of true. Fuck you too! I'm gonna have Neil deGrasse Tyson push you down the stairs!

Hey, this is the lake and the tent all over again. I'm not gonna be in the middle of one more of these fights.

Ask Adal if he can go fuck himself.

I'm not gonna ask him that.

Ask him!

Also, you got Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson, and he punched me so hard.

Okay, well... I did that on purpose, so... Fuck you. Hey! The sun, the answer is the sun. Because it rises every morning. Are you happy now? Are you happy now, boys?

But the sun doesn't rise, the earth turns.

What kind of bath does the mad scientist take without water?

Space bath. Space bath, Erin. Oh, a meteor shower. Oh my God.

That's a way better answer.

Oh.

That's not the answer? And then the next riddle is, what does an astronaut do when he gets dirty? He takes a meteor shower.

Okay, okay. So there is a riddle where meteor shower is the answer. Yes. But this one is about a bath?

What kind of bath does the mad scientist take without water?

Okay, and I want to talk to you for a second here, Adal. Yeah. Meteor showers are a really bad answer to what kind of bath. I mean, we have to admit that. Yeah, um... A shower's not a bath. You know this.

I really fucked myself. I know this. A shower's not a bath. I mean, you know a shower's not a bath. Washing your hands is not a shower.

We've... Hold on! Let's not get crazy!

These are the animals that fart the most. Cows.

Sharks.

Termites. Cockroaches. Horses. Elephants and rhinos.

What was the first one?

Addles.

Cows.

Oh no. Seals.

Zebras. Baboons. Lions. Bats and rats. And those are just my exes.

These are the animals that fart the most. Fart the most. Fart the most. When I bet $10,000 that sharks do fart, I took a real bath on that. Yeah. Is the answer something like somebody taking a bath on something?

It's a sunbath.

Oh.

What's an astronaut's favorite meal?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do I not understand that one?

What does that mean? Sunbathing, but they're using the present tense? Yeah. Sunbathing.

Does anyone even call it sunbathing anymore? I guess so. What's an astronaut's favorite meal?

Astronaut ice cream or Tang, I guess.

Well, it could be both, because Tang is a drink and astronaut ice cream is an entree.

Astronaut.

Yes, Erin. It's an astronaut who asks questions. They don't pretend to be a know-it-all. Not like when you went to space and Mission Control said, Erin, do you know how to fire the rockets? And you go, yeah, I got it.

How did you get this number? You're obsessed with me. Leave me alone.

I do want to see a scene. All the astronauts in a briefing and like Erin keeps asking questions. I'm like, well, check out the astronaut over here. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are someone who it's almost like a catch me if you can situation where you've just bullshitted your way into becoming an astronaut. You're at the control panel in the ship that's about to head into space. JPC, you are sort of Houston or control tower. They have control towers for spaceships, right? And you were sort of talking Erin through the blast-off, but Erin thinks she has it when she doesn't.

Okay. I'm just going to count us back down from... Sorry, sorry.

Just give me a second. I'm watching a YouTube tutorial on how to get to space.

Wait, I'm sorry, what?

I can't, like, listen to two things at once.

Wait, why would you watch- wait, hold on. Why are you watching this?

Sorry, there's an ad. There's an ad. There's always an ad.

You shouldn't be getting Wi-Fi in here.

Okay, let's see.

You shouldn't be getting Wi-Fi in here at all.

Hmm.

You're the navigator.

Buckle your seatbelt. Great start. Now what? Let's figure out what these buttons mean.

They buckled the seatbelts when they put us in here.

No, no, I'm just saying. I'm just telling you what the YouTube video says.

How are you even manipulating a phone? You should not have a phone here. We're wearing our suits. You're about to go to space.

Sorry. This is exhausting. Red button. Stop. Green button.

No, hold on. Where's the abort button? I'm going to abort the mission. Oh, I'll look it up.

Where is the abort button? I know where the abort button is.

I'm just having trouble.

Give me one second. Oh, there's an ad. That's a lot of fun.

That is a lot of fun.

Domino's, three for one, pizzas.

Three for one? We're staying. We're staying.

Three for one?

Insane. How is Domino's making money on three for one? It's insane.

Casey. Casey.

If that is your real name.

How are you? Have you feeling abandoned? We weren't really chatting with you that much in the last 30 minutes. Are you doing okay?

I've just been smiling and enjoying the ride of this app.

A little pervert. Pervert stuff, right guys?

Jesus Christ. Jesus, is this camera's off? What's going on? Can't hear that.

Casey, can we have a voicemail theme if it's not too much trouble?

His ass just smiling over there. Fucking a canoe.

Hey Riddle Riddle, ain't that that Riddle podcast with Erin, Adal, and JPC, the worst of all? Hey Riddle Riddle, call and leave a voicemail at 805-Riddle1. Hey Riddle, Riddle,

What a precious human person. I love your voice.

That was from Becca's parody of Hey Soul Sister. I think I told you this, that I sang, Hey Soul Sister, once to help someone propose to their girlfriend in Indianapolis. No, they said yes, it was, but like a friend of mine was like, Hey, we're, everyone's doing this. Do you want to do this? I was like, I guess so. I didn't even know the song. And then years later, I was on an improv team with the woman who got proposed to and I was like, I was at your proposal. We had never met before.

That's so funny.

Yeah. Who sings the original? Train. Train, that's right.

And can we hear a voicemail, please, Casey?

Hi, Adal. Hi, Erin. Hi, JPC. My name is Spider, and I have an important question for you. I currently have two Hey Riddle Riddle tattoos. One is a sad PuzzBot. The other is a rainbow HRR with a banner that says chaos in front of it. And I was wondering, since we're almost at episode 300, what should my third Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo be? I have a lot of leg space left to cover. Thanks, bye!

I want to say a farting shark.

Is that so crazy?

Is that insane?

You could get little monkey bones. You could get Dr. Chameleon. You could get J.P. Riddles in a raccoon playing cards, but cards are condoms or something. Maybe down your leg it says, what's the big idea?

Yeah.

Maybe your leg says the tuna 15 with a little tuna. Yeah. Maybe I would get a Teacher's Lounge podcast. Check out Teacher's Lounge. They say really funny shit over there.

Get one that says the lunatic in the lighthouse from the Teacher's Lounge.

Teachin' Chong.

Teachin' Chong? I didn't know anyone had a Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo. I knew that. Oh, yeah. People had tattoos from our time on Dungeons and Daddies, the, um, what is it called? Light Risk. I've seen those tattoos. I didn't know anyone else. Adal, you have a Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo.

I have one, um, I think Erin Keif, um, I think it was Erin Keif, had a thing that was JJ made of hay, couldn't go to the bonfire, so I thought that was the best thing and I got that tattoo.

I think, you know, get the tattoo that speaks to you. If you've got a favorite moment, I mean, that's the one. Because it's all going to be inscrutable to anyone else. No one's ever going to know what Puzz Bot is. So it's like, you know, do the thing that makes you happy. And I believe they said that their name was Spider. So if you're running out of leg space for this tattoo, we've got seven more legs, you know?

Oh, now I know why JPC pulled this voicemail. You wanted to make that joke. Tattoo? Well, Adal, I think a plug.

I want to plug getting a Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo. Do it. Life is short. Ruin your skin with our podcast.

Life is short. Ruin it should be our tagline.

And of course I'm joking because I myself have a Hey Riddle Riddle tattoo. I want to plug our Patreon, which I think has some delightful content. So check out Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Um, we have a lot of content you can catch up on and we have new stuff every week. So check that out. Erin, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Follow Quality Time on Instagram. It's a monthly show I host in Los Angeles if you're interested in that sort of thing. Also, there's a show in L.A. that is on Thursdays called The Mandatory Improv Show. And it's hosted by Chicago people and a lot of the times a lot of Chicago people play. But the quality and the consistency of shows I've seen there over the last few months is just so good. So if you're looking to see an improv show, it's very affordable. It's on Thursdays at like 7. Come check it out. Come say hi. It's a lot of fun.

I know Erin met improvisers, but I just saw like, yeah, Blagojevich and Rahm Emanuel. They were doing a two-man set. They're doing the props. It was so fucking funny.

They're TJ and Dave-ing down at the Yard Theater in Los Angeles. JPC, do you have a review to read or a plug?

Yeah. Yeah, let's read a review. If you want to submit a review, just submit it anywhere you submit five-star reviews. If you make it five stars, I might read it on the podcast. This one's called Three Things. This is really a review for the Clue Crew Patreon, but I'm doing it here. This summer, I had a bit of a minty bee and could only listen to three things without crying. For two weeks, all I listened to were the following three things. The White Wet Waters episode of the Patreon, JBC's guided meditation, and Dracula by Rob Zombie played at a volume unfit for human consumption. All this to say... By the guided meditation pack, you won't regret it. Ellen from Hingham, we had the same fourth grade teacher. Hey Ellen, no we didn't. I didn't go to school in Hingham. I don't even fucking know you.

My fourth grade teacher was the same as my third grade teacher because I was in multi-age. So there was third and fourth graders in my class.

You got held back. You got held back and you're just now realizing it.

Also, I wonder how they know.

Yeah, and Erin, guess what? You're still being held back by VIA JPC.

That feels right. That feels right.

Wait a minute. That's crazy.

Then we went to the same elementary school. That's nutso. Does that mean we live in the same neighborhood? That's crazy. Erin, we didn't.

I don't even know you like that.

All right, whatever. Jupiter, goodbye. Hey Riddle Riddle.

I've already parodied the music. Bogo Creek.

Hey there boats and balls, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon episode. It's another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chatterbox. And stay to the end because we have a big announcement. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog by going to patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle and joining the clue crew for five dollars a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for eight dollars a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.