Which Riddle Riddle?

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The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Hey! Oh, we're going to finish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice-cream. And the horse was deep-riding.

Thank you so much for coming to the Hey Riddle Riddle Museum. Are you a school group? Are you on vacation? What brought you in here today?

No, we're just dressed in school girl outfits, but we are not affiliated with... Great question.

Ah, perverts. Oh. We get a lot of those in here.

Hmm. Enchanté.

Well, thank you so much for coming in. A tour is about to start if you want to join in. Oh, okay. About to run a tour.

Are you the docent?

What is a docent?

It's not quite a dog. It's not quite Al Pacino.

Oh, it's a dachshund. Like a dog with little legs?

Well, let him guess. Even though he's the one that mentioned it, let him guess.

Oh, it's sort of a guide for the museum, like a person who kind of shows you around. But I didn't want to docent-splain to the docent if you're the docent.

I am the docent then. I'm about to give a tour, then I must be a docent.

I am the docent now.

Where is that from?

Captain Docent.

Uh, Cast Away.

Yes.

So, to your left is the- Ah! Sorry. So sorry.

Everything you own in the bank's to the left.

Is a framed version- You're kissing your tits and blowing kisses my way.

Or whatever the song says. Or whatever the song says.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you go on the I Don't Want to Learn Anything tour?

Oh.

Oh, is that an option? Sorry.

Yeah, we get a lot of that around here at Hey Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, I feel like I'll always take that option if it's available.

Oh, okay, that's fine.

It's like a kosher meal. I don't need it, but I want it.

Does Christina Aguilera say, you're kissing your tits and blowing kisses my way? Are those the lyrics?

That can't be right. We here at Hey Riddle Riddle- Can you look it up in your pocket?

Or do you have like a guidebook or something for the thing? I can't Google this. You can look that up.

We actually are banned from Googling right now here at the museum. Well, I was going to start with the beginning, the sort of framed email of our first dosim, a female dosim, to start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.

You really turned around this whole not knowing what a dosim is.

Um, you know, okay, uh, I'm just gonna shut this whole museum down. Takes down the email of our first scheduling of the first episode, uh, takes Janet out of her box, lets her free. No! Alright, you know, it's fine. Wait, I want to pull the cord! I want to pull the cord on the Janet. It's fine. Uh, let's just do an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Let's not dwell on the past of this show and how it started in 2018 when I was 25 years old and I had- Is this a special episode?

What are we-

It never is a special episode.

Well, you're just like, you're reminiscing about the past. I'm not.

I'm saying let's throw the whole museum away.

But you wanted to.

I mean, I just thought it would be interesting to talk about how this show started when I was a young gun, sort of with my whole life ahead of me. I guess that's not interesting to talk about, how I was young once, with my whole life ahead of me.

You sort of looked wistfully up and to the left. I thought you were going to take us down memory lane, but then you kind of started your eyes right back to us and we didn't know what to say.

Erin, if you add 50 years to your age, you are going to be this classic Hollywood archetype. You're going to be wearing, like, ball gowns talking about how, oh, when I was in my prime before my Riddle podcast days, oh, you boys.

I bet you have to get to your deployment soon. You are going to be, mark my words, you are going to be the podcast world's Elizabeth Taylor. Glamorous as all get out. Six or seven ex-husbands.

Eight. Maybe eight. Maybe eight. Six or seven. Dream bigger. Do I want to be the podcast world's Elizabeth Taylor?

Erin, I hope you never find love.

Oh my God.

Because that's what you said. You want it.

Yeah. Well, so let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. What do I want that? Do I want people sort of buying my necklaces at auction? Sort of my cheap necklaces? Do I want to marry Richard Burton, divorce him, and then marry him again? Of course. Do I want to win an Oscar for Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Obviously. Um, do I want to wear... You're taking this very literally. A bunch of different wedding dresses from the 60s. Yeah, obviously. Um, all right, I'll take it. I'll be the Elizabeth Taylor of the podcast world. Thank you, Adal.

It sounds like you'll just be Elizabeth Taylor, but you'll also do a podcast.

And then what else does it mean then?

I don't know.

This is your fantasy. During America's worst disaster, you, Michael Jackson, and Marlon Brando will get in a car and drive to Syracuse or whatever they did.

I don't know what that is. What's a dustbowl?

Was that the dustbowl? There was an event in 2001, I don't need to get into it, but that day apparently Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, Marlon Brando all panicked and kind of thought that the U.S. was gonna, that there was more to it and they all got in a car and tried to like drive to the countryside or something.

Somewhere, right now, a 24-year-old is writing that play. If you listen, you clear your mind and you listen, you can hear a 24-year-old at a coffee shop right now writing that play.

If you close your eyes and just listen ever so slightly, you can hear the reviews being typed out in the New York Times when that play opens of the most unwatchable play ever to grace the boards.

Rehearsals is just one of the three being like, should I do the impression or should I? Can I just talk normal?

Can I talk normal? So guys, how are you? Because last we checked in, we were all together in person.

Well, actually, I don't necessarily know that we spent any time together in person the last time we checked in.

Well, we saw each other in person. We did a show together.

We did see each other and we did do a show together. And I think that that was the extent of it. It turns out that due to everyone's different sleep schedules, and Erin's different, whatever she's got going on schedule, all I know is that I was in San Francisco for like two days and I saw you guys for an hour when we did our show.

Well, that's not necessarily true because, GPC, we saw a show together.

I spent way more time with your friend, Michael, and Adal's wife. I spent a ton of time with those two people. I don't know that I saw the two of you at all.

Well, we sent our representatives to hang out with you. GPC, we saw a show together.

Oh, that's right. We did see a show together. And we ordered Irvington. Erin was on her phone the whole time.

No, I wasn't!

Wow.

You were on your phone ordering into food. Whoa, double, double cross, double, double cross.

For you, I order it for you, mom.

And you. And twins. And twins.

Whatever, so I guess- I did, I did to blow up Erin's spot, I did commiserate with her friend Michael, because we were both talking and Erin was on her phone doing something. And we were both like, isn't it strange to see Erin on her phone so much, yet you can't get her to text you back?

And then I showed you how many texts that I have.

And it ruined my night. That was actually the worst part.

I was looking up something for us, by the way, when I was on my phone. I was looking up something for the group and then they were coming after me. Sure. But here's, this is my new process and it's going actually so well.

I cannot wait to hear about the new process.

I will not respond because it was driving me fucking insane to be so constantly available because I have

Hey, when was this? At what point in your life were you constantly available? I just wish I would have known you at that time so I could have taken advantage.

Um, okay.

So... Okay, so there was a time in your life when you were super available.

No. Well, I felt the pressure to be super available.

You felt the pressure. Oh, it's so much different to feel the pressure.

I will respond to texts every two or three days because every single person in my life, I attract a certain type of person that loves to text, okay? Which is great. I don't love that. It makes me feel overwhelmed. I feel It causes me a ton of anxiety. So, every two days, I will sit down with a tea, and I will go through all my texts, and I will respond to all of them. But I just think it's unreasonable.

Texts and tea. Texts and tea!

Yes, I have like these group chats. Like, GPC, one of those things was a group chat. A hundred of those text messages were a group chat just from like 36 hours. Like that is the level of texting. And so I'm like, I don't, I cannot be constantly... Why don't we do this?

This is fun. Let's get a shared Google calendar.

We have that.

Well, no, we don't, but I love that for you.

All of our events are on, yes.

I invite you to some Google events. That's the same thing. But so let's get a shared Google calendar.

Okay.

You tell me when your Texan Tea times are, I get them on the block and I know, great, if I need Erin, boom, I can hit her during Texan Tea and I'm probably gonna get something back.

I love that you made a fun name for it.

Adam made it.

Texan Tea.

No, it's fine.

Oh, Adal, I didn't even hear you make it. Adal, you're a VIP. Call me anytime, baby.

Oh, all right. What the fuck?

Right to the front of the line.

Whee! Excuse me, excuse me, folks. I actually know, I know Erin. Sorry, excuse me. I know Erin.

Everybody's trying to get to the front of the line. Everybody knows Erin. If you have my number, you know me.

Huh, this line is just 40 people standing shoulder to shoulder. It's not, we're sort of abreast versus deep. Hmm, this sucks.

People don't know how to cue, that's a big problem. People just don't know how to cue anymore.

Um, JPC, I care about you a lot. You matter to me.

I appreciate that.

And I'm not so above taking a note. I want to do better for you every day.

Erin, you matter to me as well. I've got a couple of emails that you haven't responded to yet.

I know and I will.

And I'd love to get you, and I'd love to text a T, baby. Whenever texting T is coming up, I'd love, hey.

It's happening today and I'll show you. These are the things that I have to get done today.

You have to. I have to. It's just like, what can we get done today? That's what I'm all about.

Respond to JPC is right there.

That's in the middle. That's not bad.

RSVPGPC.

RSVPC. I probably didn't make it above brush teeth, but I'm definitely going to close eyes, drift off to dreamland. I love the middle.

The other stuff is like really crazy urgent stuff. So you're like on the stuff that is like very, very important. You're top of the list.

Can we hear one of the urgent ones? Skin stuffer.

Kill Adal with my hands is number one. Come on.

It's going to be a long process. This guy loves life. He's got a real joie de vivre. I got a real thick neck. You're not going to be able to choke me out.

Who said I was going to use your neck? I'm going to punch you in the stomach. Houdini style. Houdini style.

Wow.

Well, guys, unfortunately, and you're not going to believe this, this is a riddle podcast.

Sure.

I believe that. I think we should do some riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems. What do you think?

I do too think that as well. I'd sign off on that.

Fantastic. Is everyone mad at me? Doesn't matter.

Is that the first riddle?

Yeah, doesn't matter. Actually, it's fine. Okay. These first riddles are from Lizzie T. And Lizzie has a very cool job. I spend a lot of time listening to you while I do my work as a scenic artist, aka a person who paints sets for theater, which is so cool. That's amazing. Lizzie was doing the New York Times Crossword the other day, and they had a few clues that trapped my brain into thinking about these little puzzles. They're kind of like if hink pinks were word avalanches. Essentially, it's a series of usually three words that are spelled the same, but one vowel changes each time. There are some that I've come up with as well of greatly varying quality. Feel free to pick and choose.

Okay.

Thanks, Lizzie.

Thank you, Lizzie. Erin, can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure. Anything. I've had a really weird- You're a VIP.

Oh, very good. Excuse me. Sorry, let me just step in front of JPC. I've had a dream maybe for- Just peeing. Oh, you're pissing on my- Jokes on you, asshole. Pissing on the back of my thighs, whatever that area is called.

You guys do this, get a room.

Legs, I guess. I've had a dream for a few years, Erin, and I'm embarrassed to say it, but I feel like this is a safe space and I feel like if anyone will get me in this idea, it's you.

You and me, Adal, we're locked in.

Oh, good.

It's you and me, kid.

Goose and Maverick, baby. One of us is not long for this world. I have this idea. I don't want to say I have a dream. I have this idea. Where I get a theater designer, a set designer to go into my bedroom and make it like you put black boxes down. It's hard. It's black wood and there's like pieces of tape around the bedroom. There's a proscenium painted. There's like fake windows. Like make your bedroom like this set of a play.

And how quickly are you trying to get divorced? Days, minutes, hours?

The bed is four to six months.

I think you have a big enough house that you could have, it doesn't even have to be your bedroom at all.

Okay. All right. Now, this may be a silly question. Why do you want this?

CGBC, you're not locked in. You're not Goose and Maverick with us. You don't get it.

I'm Iceman. I'm still in the movie. I just may be kind of an antagonist.

I guess, gun to my head, something has to change.

Something has to change, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Versus it being internal, I prefer it to be something I can just pay that someone else doesn't.

I'm not trying to talk you out of this, but in my home growing up in the basement, there was this storage thing that was essentially a stage. We used to do a ton of plays on it and literally there was like lights facing it and we put up curtains and my sister would direct me a lot of plays and we would put on plays and we do SNL bits and we do Monty Python bits and I've ended up now I'm on a Riddle podcast and I have to sit down every three days in response to text because of my mental health. Do you want Potential kids, cats, whoever's in your home, ending up like me. So you have a stage in your house, you're gonna end up with a kid with a personality like Erin Keif.

Cats, yes. Kids, no. And I don't want that. I hope that doesn't insult you. Erin, I wouldn't wish your life on two of my cats.

Here's the thing. My life is amazing. It's just that JPC doesn't like any choice that I've ever made, not even one time.

I disagree that your life is amazing.

I think it's incredible.

From what I can observe.

Do I have... Am I accident prone? Sure. Am I pissing you off constantly? Obviously.

Did you just join the Pixar family?

Yes. Yes. And I can talk about it. Like I can say anything about it now. Kind of very freeing. For four years I've been terrified.

Erin, your life is amazing, correct? That's what you're saying, your life is amazing?

My life is amazing.

Text from you, not 30 minutes ago when you were 20 minutes late to this episode.

What, because my internet goes out.

Is it possible to trade somebody to be Old Man Puzzles? I can do it if I have to, but I feel like I'm a puddle. Now, I don't know too much about amazing lives, but there's only one person who has an amazing life who can turn into a puddle, and that's Alex goddamn Mack.

Alex Mack.

My life is incredible.

I love you, but Alex Mack, you are not sweet.

Okay, I have an awesome dog, right? Incredible. My family, amazing. Friends, awesome.

Text from Erin Keif 40 minutes ago. Adal, fantastic. I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm going insane. You guys, it's- Two seconds from you, from today.

I, this is what's been so frustrating. My internet goes out maybe three times a day with absolutely no warning. And it is so crazy because yesterday I had a really important meeting that I was so scared for and was so paranoid that the internet was going to go out. And lo and behold, right in the middle of it, it went out. And then I'm like on the verge of tears when I get back to the meeting eventually. It's like such a nightmare. I've had to download the TV shows I want to watch onto my iPad because I'll be in the middle of watching a fucking movie and the internet goes out. It is no way to live. It is no way to live.

If you're Alex Mack's dermatologist, do you think that you know, like, can you tell that she can turn into a puddle?

Here's the other thing. My life is actually perfect. It's just this little shit, okay? Everything else is great. Beautiful dog, beautiful family, perfect friends. My life is... I get to do comedy all the time. I'm seeing someone amazing. He's so funny and he's so nice. Everything's fine! Let's do these riddles from Lizzie! Yay!

So, no on the theater room.

What do you mean, Adal? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean, no? What do you mean, no on the theater room?

I think do it.

What do you mean, no? What do you mean, no?

Well, the first thing you said was, how much do you want a divorce or whatever.

What do you mean, no? You guys, I'm actually so fine. And aren't you proud of me for coming? I splashed cold water on my face. I was crying the second my internet cut out.

Casey, clip that. Aren't you proud of me for coming? Just clip that for me, Casey. I'm not doing anything with it, but do clip that for me, please.

Erin, be honest, at first did you accidentally splash your face with like Windex or something?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Erin's a mess. You know what? I'm fine.

Because your face is sparkling. Adal, you'd think that, but that's not actually the way that Windex works. She splashed Windex on her mirror and then smashed her face into the mirror.

Erin. Erin. Erin.

The guy that I'm seeing, I keep going, I'm such a mess. Can you believe how much ... And he goes, you really seem to have a lot together. And then I go, You know who would laugh out loud at that? Adal and JPC.

Can I tell you what you guys... I would never laugh at a person who had a mental deficiency, Erin. I would never do that. I'm fine.

You need to listen to me. Excuse me, VIP. Erin, do you mind if, for the rest of, until whenever you're comfortable, can we just call him Zork? Oh, yeah.

Zork, the guy? Yeah. Oh yeah, sure, you can call him Zork.

Instead of just saying, just say Zork. Zork, yeah. Yeah, okay, thank you.

Um, this is... I was like, actually, they can love that.

Wait, is that actually going to get confusing? Because Adal and I just agreed this week and we're going to start calling our wives Zork.

That's fine. Well, hold on.

Things can be Zork and there is a Zork. So in the new language we're creating, you can be Zork, but you can also be a Zork.

You guys, we can't. We're getting...

Erin, you're giving Zork right now. Erin, you're giving Zork. You're making this confusing.

You know, if anyone's a youngest sibling, you'll understand this. Every time I go home to Massachusetts, I still feel like my sisters think I'm 11, right? I'm frozen in time for them, and they'll never take me seriously. And the second I get home, I'm like, take me seriously and laugh at my jokes. I regress immediately. Because I have been such a mess, right, in my whole life in front of you guys, I feel sort of, and I know today I was also a mess, but I feel frozen in time with you guys a little bit. But you need to see to the outside world, I work very, very hard on my career. I try to take care of other people. I pay rent alone in Los Angeles, and I have a dog alone.

Right? You're hitting it alone pretty hard.

I'm fine.

What about Zork? Zork is great! If Zork's listening right now, he probably feels pretty Zork.

Erin, what did I tell you this weekend? I told you I could fix your entire life in two days.

I know, and I said go for it.

And I'm ready. I'm ready.

I actually... Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, please.

Oh no, I actually, I'm open to that, JPC.

I'm going to talk to Zork. I'm going to get Zork to put a wedding ring on that finger first off. Ooh. I'm going to get Zork to lock it down. Do the right thing, Zork.

I'm begging you to not do that.

I'm begging you to do the right thing.

We've been seeing each other three months.

But be ethical and get a cubic zirconia or whatever.

Zirconium.

Whatever makes sense.

It's a cubic zirconium.

What kind of donuts do you want?

Riddles. I know. And I'm trying. I'm trying.

Oh, very quickly. Erin, you said Massachusetts. Did you guys hear that Bill Burr and Billy Corgan are brothers?

Snide comment about collectible figurine. Okay.

And Bilbur is pissed. Sorry, Erin, go ahead.

A snide comment about collectible figurine.

Toy, snoy. Toy. Toy poloy. The vowel changes?

The vowel changes.

Okay. Toy.

Joy. But the words aren't necessarily in the order in which I'm giving the clues.

Got it.

So snide comment about a collectible figurine.

Could this one be the example?

Sure. And this one's kind of hard.

Snape. Snoop.

But the collectible figurine is two words and the snide comment is one word. Action figure? Wait, wait, wait. Collectible figurine.

Then make this the example because I have no idea what the fuck we're talking about. Funko Pop. Bunko pop.

No, so the collectible figurine is the same word twice, but a different vowel in it.

GI Jojo? GI Joe Slo-mo? GI Slo-mo? GI Jojo?

I'll make this the example. Erin, I'm drowning. Yeah. Nick, knack, knock.

Huh?

Like, collectible figurine, knick-knack, and then snide comment, knock.

Okay, got it. Knick-knack-knock.

Okay. Oh boy. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, let me put my seatbelt on.

Okay, I'm sorry you guys begged for riddles. You were begging for riddles a second ago.

Damn, was I?

I'm fine, by the way, everybody.

Erin, honestly, did you hear that Billy Corgan and Bill Burr are brothers? Isn't

JPC and Adal, you are roommates, and Adal, you're coming home from like a vacation, and JPC, you've accidentally ruined all of Adal's very expensive collectible figurines, and you're trying to just sort of smooth things over.

Zork, I'm home! Hey, Mark. Hey, can I grab your bags? Can I take your bags?

Oh, I will just float them up to the attic, where I store my stuff. Oh! Time to go play with my figures, hmm?

Um... God, you've been gone for... You've been gone for like a week. God is dead. Huh? God is dead. Yeah, you're God. Uh... Yeah, you've been gone for a week, um... Mm-hmm.

I was in Las Vegas. Yes, we... How'd you do? I was up and then down and then up and then down. And that was just in bed. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, sounds like you fucked. Um... Well, speaking of up and down... I bet you probably didn't hear about the big earthquake we had.

Oh no. I try to keep my telecommunications to advise me for all natural disasters.

Telecommunications?

Phone calls?

Okay. We just did phone calls. Anyway, yeah, there was a big earthquake. I honestly have not even been upstairs, because you said don't go in your room, because that's where all of your stuff is. But yeah, a lot of the stuff in the house got pretty broken.

Oh, my bird skeleton grabs onto the fire pole, flies upward. Oh, no.

I'll meet you up there.

I can't really do that. It's all ruined.

Oh no! Whoa, look at, oh my god, the earthquakes seem to hit all your bird skeletons.

Oh, and they're covered in fingerprints with peanut butter.

Oh, you know what? Yes, they are. Yes. Can I see your hands? Well, no.

You've been standing with your hands behind your back like a southern lawyer. Please just put your hands forward.

It's for law school. I have to do it this way. You know what it was? Is that the first place that the firefighters came after, you know, to investigate, they came from the peanut butter factory, which had also, the earthquake hit the peanut butter factory pretty hard. So the firefighters probably came in and probably tracked all this peanut butter, all of your bird skeletons.

Singer Parton when she's aimlessly wasting time. Dolly, lolly, gagging. Dolly, lolly, gagging. Dolly, lolly, folly.

It all begins with D. Dolly.

It all begins with D. Every kiss begins with D. Dolly, dally, dilly.

Dilly, dally, dolly.

Dilly, dally, dolly. Feeling of guilt after cheating at table tennis.

Shame. Game shame.

Table tennis is, uh... Oh, ping pong!

Yeah, fun!

Ping pong dog!

That works too, I think.

I'd like to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Oh, fuck, you got there first.

You guys are playing ping pong, but you want the other one to win.

Okay, Erin, that's good because my scene was going to be you as a doctor telling Adal that he had ping pong dog.

I want to see that one. Now let's see that scene.

I would rather die.

Doctor, what's wrong with me?

Promise not to laugh, okay?

If a doctor said promise not to laugh.

If a doctor said you are going to kill me. I love that the news is about me but I can't laugh.

All right, hold on, Erin, I want to do yours.

Yours was... You guys are playing ping pong and you want the other one to win.

OK. Oh, it's my serve, I think.

Yeah, I think it's your serve. Yeah. And what's the rule? If I keep losing my racket, eventually I just don't get a racket, right? Eventually I just have to use hand if I keep throwing.

Yeah, I think you just use hand.

I think I'm on hand now then because I can't keep I can't keep. Okay, so it's your serve.

Okay. Yeah, and let me Oh, oh, nerds. I missed the table. That's the point for you. Not just crushing it.

No, it just continues to be your serve. Yeah. Eventually, you'll have to, you know. Or maybe just lose the serve and it's my point. Anyway, we've been doing this for about 20 minutes and no one's scored a point. We just keep trading the serve back and forth. Why don't we cut the serve part out?

Okay, yeah. So how do we start? Maybe like jump ball like they do in the NBA, like a jump ball? Let's do jump ball. Okay, so I'm going to throw the ball straight up in the air over the net. Okay. Obviously, we're both going to have to lean in real hard and make sort of a jump up and forward.

Yeah.

I'm

That's your point. That's your point. That's your point. That's your point. That's your point.

That's your point. This is a painful watch, so I'm just gonna sort of... Doctor!

Doctor! Can you do an exam? I think me and my friend both got ping pong dog after that.

Well, that's very funny, and I'm sure you do. But you're also sleeping with each other's wives, so let's just clear the air. That's why this is happening. I'm gonna go get a smoothie.

Did you pluck my zork? Say...

Okay, here are the ones that Lizzie wrote. Are you ready?

What were the previous ones?

The New York Times ones.

Oh.

Okay. Abnormally noisy timekeeping device.

Clock. Watch. Smotch. Watch.

Clock is right.

Clock.

And remember, it's the same word, but you change the vowels. Is it a click-clack clock? A click-clack clock!

Wow.

When you need to quickly get rid of meat-based evidence.

Mmm. Mmm. Beef, steak.

This one's kind of hard. I think it's very good, though.

Meat-based evidence. Protein.

Okay, so are we looking for evidence? No.

Evidence is kind of not the word that we're looking for, but when you're getting rid of.

Dispose.

Yeah, so one of them is like quickly, one of them is meat, and one of them is getting rid of.

Toss. Veal. Dispose. Trash.

This is probably the grossest word to use for meat.

Oh.

Because you're like, ooh, that is what it is.

Oh, um... Flesh?

Yes.

Flesh.

So then you just change the vowels.

Okay.

And there's actually not that many vowels, guys.

Is flesh skin? Flesh, flesh.

I think flesh is like... Is flesh all of it? Yeah.

Yeah. Wait. Flesh is all of it?

What does that mean?

Well, flesh isn't just like skin, like bacon, right? Oh, I can't Google!

Oh, you're saying flesh. Yes. I said flesh, flesh.

Yeah. And then, but there's one more. It's quick.

Today we're

GPC, I'm a little too busy to talk. Also so hungry, but I don't want to eat fast food, even though I'm so busy. But because fast food is going to make me feel sick and sort of tired and not feel me right. But I got to keep going. I'm moving. I'm busy. I'm on the go. I'm having it all.

Erin. Erin. Busy and hungry? Shut up. I don't care about your problems. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, wait. What if there is a solution to your problems?

That would help me just as much. That's better than telling Erin to shut up.

Yeah, Erin, I'm not going to tell you to shut up. I'm going to tell you to tune in to Tempo. Tempo is a weekly delivery service that delivers chef-crafted meals from a dietician-approved menu fresh to your door.

Yeah, Erin, Tempo serves up fast, feel-good, single-serving meals that are crafted to cook in just three minutes, so you can eat well without sacrificing taste or convenience.

Yeah, Erin, here's the thing. Sometimes I get home and I'm like, I don't have time to cook. The thought of cutting and dicing and slicing and baking just sounds exhausting to me. So I open my fridge. I take out one of these Tempo meals. It is ready in minutes. The sweet and tangy chicken they have with roasted potatoes, peas, and creamed corn, phenomenal. The sweet chili meatballs with jasmine rice, edamame, and broccoli, delicious. That sounds so good. It's all pre-portioned. It's all very quick to make. It's healthy. It's delicious. Erin, it's what you need.

Wow, Adal, shut up.

Perfect. They also offer a variety of meals for different dietary and taste preferences, including protein-packed, calorie-conscious, carb-conscious, and fiber-rich.

I'm fiber-rich, but I'm cash-poor.

Shut up.

Well, this is the part that I actually do have to say. For a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners and Tell them JPC sent ya. 60% off your first box. Go to tempomeals.com slash riddle. That's tempomeals.com slash riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply. Oh no.

You want us to ask about whatever this is?

What's this? I fell for it. It's not what you guys think. I have no actual problem with you whatsoever. My bones are picked clean. My problem is with myself.

Oh, what happened?

You know how I signed up for that shirt of the day club? Shirt of the day? Yeah, shirt of the day club.

That's like an expensive thing.

Yeah, but I was like, I was like sick of like washing clothes. So I was like, Oh, I'll do like a shirt in like the way that the shirt of the day club is supposed to work. It's like they send you the shirt, you wear the shirt all day, you're kind of natural, kind of like body movement will dissolve the shirt by the end of the day. Yeah, let me guess.

You forgot you want you did the one week trial and then you forgot to cancel it. And then you've now you've been paying a lot of money.

yeah and they haven't been dissolving so i've just been kind of putting them over the old shirt and like it's kind of dissolving but basically like I basically wear like six or seven shirts right now. They kind of like dissolve like way slower than there's... Could you be wearing any more shirts? Thank you, Erin.

Ah, JPC. You should have gotten Rocket Money to help cancel that subscription. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwitting subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings.

Okay, so I could grow my savings instead of growing how many shirts I'm wearing on my body as they slowly dissolve because they must be made of food.

Yeah. And GPC, you're going to get alerts if bills increase in price, there's unusual spending activity, or if you're close to going over budget, which I'm sure you did with all of the shirts.

Yeah, each shirt is more expensive. They did make that pretty clear when I signed up that each shirt is going to be like a compounding shirt cost because the shipping alone is killing me.

And JPC, I don't know if you'll believe this, but Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. And I just looked up your shirt subscription. It is $2.8 million a year.

Okay, so Shirt of the Day is a bad deal if you are listening to this. Do not use Shirt of the Day and cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash riddle today. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E, rocketmoney.com slash riddle. And tell them Shirt of the Day sent you, wait, no, don't tell them that.

I think the shirts are fusing to your skin, JPC. Let's get you to the hospital.

Okay.

Get the Angelry Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good?

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

Um, you guys, when you go home or you see your family, do you regress in any sort of way? Do they make you feel like an old version of yourself?

When I would go back from college to where I went to high school, the home I went to high school in, the minute I stay the night in my bedroom, I get so unnecessarily upset with my mom, where my mom will yell upstairs and be like, dinner's ready. And I'm like, give me a second. And it comes out of nowhere. Like, it's just a knee-jerk reaction where I'm like, why am I being petulant? Like, I've outgrown that. But there's something about being in a place you used to live when you were in school that really sets you back.

I'm your host

Got a three hour drive back to Chicago. Better be hitting the old dusty trail.

So nice meeting y'all.

And then I get the fuck out of there.

Taking the dirt roads. And when my sister and I are visiting my mom at the same time, we do, like if I see my sister at my house or her place, we're fine. We're best friends. The minute we get to our mom's place, we're bickering. We're like, what's this? And my mom's like, oh, this was grandma's stamp collection. I thought one of you, and then we're like yanking at it together, trying to grab it.

I think it takes 20 minutes after being home that my sisters gang up on me and immediately are like, I've told you guys this, they're like, remember when you thought you had early access to a Harry Potter book and you printed it out and then you were so ashamed of it? Remember this? They bring that up every time I go home and I was like, I was fucking 11.

Yeah.

I thought it ended up being smut, it ended up being Harry Potter smut. Of course.

Can you read us some? Harry Potter's throbbing Ron. Turn to page 69.

We are back with some of these Lizzie originals.

I have a question though because Adal mentioned like a grandpa stamp collection and like really wanting it like putting in this house. Adal, I want to pitch to you a game show. Now the game show is I get like a list of items that I know are in your house and your possession.

Good luck.

And then I take you in your house, I spin you around 10 times, and then I start the clock and I say, go find this thing. And if you find it within like a certain amount of time, you get to keep it. Wow. But if you don't find it, you got to get rid of it or sell it.

I'd be getting rid of 90% of my stuff.

I actually really like this game. I think that this could be... We could do this for charity. We could really make this work.

I mean, what could go wrong, right?

Oh, you're saying he'd get too dizzy and he'd want to flush?

Yeah.

Like a kid playing t-ball when he spins around eight times.

Yeah, 10 might be too much. I love getting dizzy though, man. Ain't no better high than getting dizzy.

Your kid seems to be really on a dizzy kick right now.

They love being dizzy. If they could, they'd just be dizzy all the time. And honestly, that sounds pretty fucking sweet. Sick to my tummy.

Do you think that it's going to translate into them being like a figure skater or like a roller coaster person? How do you think that's going to manifest later?

Lead singer to Maraquai.

Well, now that I know that whole thing about having that little stage in your house, the only thing that I'm trying to prevent them from becoming is an Erin Keif. Hey! Hey! Hey! What? It seems bad! It's wonderful! Oh, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know why I went there.

You guys, my life is so great that the little bullshit that you guys have to deal with, and like I have to deal with, like the internet stuff, is the price you pay for having a life as incredible as mine.

Wow, interesting. Worth it.

It is!

It seems worth it.

I'm so hot and tall and beautiful. Can you believe?

We're having trouble.

I'm doing so good.

Erin, we believe you.

Yeah, this is a real Lady Doth protest. Too much. I'm coming after this too hard.

We're doing so good when you printed out that porn book from Harry Potter when you were 11.

Ten points from Gryffindor and one piece of clothing. Strip poker with McGonagall.

A dull book about world record speeds.

Guinness. Wait. Wow. If it's Guinness, that's awesome. A dull book about world record speeds. Is it track?

No.

Trick track truck. No. Sprint. Relay. Olympic. Is it Guinness?

No, it's not Guinness.

Is it Ripley's?

No, it is not a specific book about anything. It's a way to say book that is... Tome? Yes. How did you know?

Whoa.

You're so impressive.

I think it's all those years on Magic Tavern.

Yeah.

We always say tome or grimoire.

Tame, tome, no.

To me. Tome?

And Tame Time Tome. Tame Time Tome.

Time records. Got it. Tame Time Tome.

It sounds like you're talking to someone and you're like, we'll meet tomorrow at noon again. And they're like, Tame Time Tome. Trying to say same time.

Yeah, it feels like it's... All of these feel very Adam Sandler-coded.

A red herring went in pursuit of a rogue 18-wheeler. Semi? Truck? Truck? Track? Wait. A trick track. Yes. Track. These are fun. Hmm.

Can't think of a scene. That's rare.

I do want to see a scene. Okay. Erin, you are a truck driver driving a semi-truck across America. JBC, you are in a car pulling alongside the semi-truck that Erin is in, and you're a little kid trying to get Erin to do the horn honk thing, but she won't do it, and the cars are just sort of parallel enough for you to have a conversation.

Hey.

Hey. Oh. There's a kid. Okay, he's showing me his arm. Oh, I get it. Your arms are stronger than my arms. I got weak arms. I'm a little boy. Look how strong the little boy's arms are. Okay, I'm weak. It's my divorce anniversary, kid. I don't need this today. I get it. Your arms are strong. You're a little kid and your arms are stronger than me.

I get it. Let me drive the truck.

You're no good at it. Let me drive the truck. Whoa. He's climbing out the window. Kid, you're crazy. Hey, you don't know the truck signs. You don't know the truck signs. How long have you been a truck driver? God, this kid's crazy. Oh my God, he's about to jump. Open this window. He's hanging off the side of my truck.

Kid, you're crazy. Come get your kid, lady.

And we see his hands are in the semi window and his feet are still in his car window.

Open the window. Open the window. Oh God. Unroll it. What, a hand crank? You don't even have automatic windows? Hand cranks.

Moves over to passenger side.

Kid, you're crazy! You're crazy, kid! That's all I wanted.

Is that so hard?

Kid, what the heck?

How long have you been driving a truck?

20 years! Get out of my truck, kid!

No way. You don't look a day over 29. You've been driving this truck since you were 9 years old.

Hey, thanks, kid. I really needed that. It's my divorce anniversary.

Well, I don't know what he was thinking. I'm assuming it's a he. Yeah, it is. Yeah, okay. I don't know what he was thinking.

We smash cut to a year of them on the road. They've learned a lot about each other. They've both grown. Well kid, I gotta tell ya, my whole 21 years of driving this truck, I never had one as good as this. You taught me everything I know, kid.

Well, I just want to thank you for keeping this relationship platonic. I guess it was mostly me. Of course. You wanted to make it sexual a lot of times.

Hey, I fucking fuck you.

You can't do that. I'm just saying. You can't do that in an improv scene. You made advances on me.

You can't do that in an improv scene. They pass billboard after billboard that says missing child with his picture.

I hate you guys. I'm mad at you today. Not you, Adal.

You're VIP.

Although I'm a little bit mad at you. But I'm mostly really mad at JPC. JPC! I think the respond to JPC is about to get a little further down the list.

Oh no. Well, I did it to myself. We got a VIP and a JPC. I can't help myself. I like to play. I like to play. Is it a crime? I deserve everything that's happening to me.

What happened when you hit the tread of a round metal ladder?

The tread of a round metal ladder? What is the tread of a ladder?

I've never seen a round metal ladder.

A docent is sort of a person who gives tours around a museum. Oh. Oh, is that not helpful?

A tire... A tire... Oh, a round metal ladder, would that be like a spoke?

Hey everyone.

I'm thinking of the way the spokes of a bike, you could climb them like a ladder if you were a borrower.

Honey, I'm cleaning the gutters. Oh no, I'm rolling away. Worst.

That's the worst.

That's the worst, when your ladder rolls away.

What's something that is circle shaped? What are some things?

Tire, wheel, a ball.

Smaller.

Armadillo, small ball. Adam? Marble. Electron.

You can wear it.

Bracelet. Did you wear them?

Smaller than a bracelet. Smaller than a bracelet?

A ring?

A ring... A rung? Ring ring rung?

Yeah.

Ring ring rung. Ring ring rung.

I'd like to see a scene.

Let's get loud.

Adal, you are on top of a very tall ladder, and GPC is in charge of holding the ladder for you to make sure you're safe, but he's getting a little distracted.

Just a few more feet.

There's a guy in a food truck and it looks like he's giving away free Pepsis. I've just watched people walk up and get... It doesn't look like anyone's paying and he's just giving away free Pepsis.

Chuck, I'll buy you a Pepsi later.

We're trying to build a tower... It's not the same as a free Pepsi.

I know. I know, buddy.

What could be going on? Could a Pepsi machine in the truck be, like, going bad? And he's got to offload all these... Another guy with a Pepsi!

Oh, yeah, it must be like a meet-up or something.

And he's got a silly straw! This Pepsi is amazing! He's drinking Pepsi out of a silly straw! I'll be right back. Oh, I love this straw!

Now hold the ladder. Hey, Chuck, hold the ladder. I have one hand on it. I'm... I have one hand on it. I'm not going to make it across the street to get the Pepsi. Hold on. I know. Hold on. See this dog?

Yeah?

I'll have this dog hold the ladder. Here, boy.

No. Here, boy.

This is... I'll tie... Hold on. I'll tie his leash.

Is it a sitter? for watching. No, but then when he runs, he'll tug at the ladder. Good boy, stay.

What's he going to run at? Dogs don't want Pepsi. Stay. Oh, he does. Oh, he really wants it. Okay, hold on.

I'm holding it. I'm holding it.

I'm holding it. Oh boy, he is really going after that Pepsi. I'm going to cut him off. Okay, you're fine. You're fine. Look, oh my God, that dog's getting a Pepsi. They're giving that Pepsi to a dog. This must be some good Pepsi. Here's what I'll do. I'll take you and the ladder with me.

No, don't.

We have your x-rays and we have your test results back, but you have to promise to not laugh, okay? Give it to me straight, doctor.

You have, uh, what was it? See.

Erin. That's the funniest thing a doctor can say to you during a diagnosis. You have, um.

What was it called?

What was it? What was that thing you came in here thinking you had?

Yes, that's it. It started with a R. Ping pong gong.

What was it? Ping pong gong. Hey, I apologize.

How could you forget the name of the episode?

Who says I'm going to make that the name of the episode? I think the name of the episode is going to be Erin is Thriving.

I like that.

There's a lot going so well for me.

I believe you.

You guys, I did improv with so many cool people this week. Adal and I got to do improv with Richard Kind, who was the nicest.

Throughout the whole show, he kept leaning over to me and saying, this is nuts.

So cool. Which was great. The incredible.

That's very fun.

Richard, for a moment, it was just like 20 minutes of Richard Kine and I just backstage sitting on steps together. And I was like, well, this is kind of, this is quite lovely.

My favorite thing is, Erin said she was, because before the show we were talking to Richard about like, for Magic Tavern, we're like, so it's, it's, it's not Earth, but you can make like an analogous, you know, but you can't say like, you know, I'm in San Francisco and I have a compete, you can't, you know, it's all sort of, and he was like, I kind of get it. And then backstage, I guess, Erin said, he said, So what are cars? Yeah.

He just kept asking questions like that. I was like, let's fucking get into it, Richard.

Let's find out.

Let's go out there and find out, Richard.

Okay. I'm very proud of this one. Up to you if it's deserved. That's what Lizzie said. Okay.

Okay.

Extremely heavy Star Wars creature who made it off Hoth to get some sun and now happens to be made of metal.

So JBC, you would know best, who was on Hoth? Was that Jabba? Was that the Sarlacc Pit? Was that Boba?

I don't think Jabba was on Hoth, but Hutt is an extremely heavy Star Wars creature.

I don't know if I know enough to be able to give good hints.

Devon, Tawa, Jabba?

Tom Tom's were on Hoth, right?

Tom Tom?

That's part of it. This one's hard.

Oh, the Tauntaun. Yeah, Hoth is an ice planet and he cuts open the Tauntaun.

Yeah, to sleep in the Tauntaun. Is it just Taun or is it Tauntaun?

Tauntaun.

So a Tauntaun Tauntaun.

Yeah.

And then what was the other?

So extremely heavy.

Tauntaun.

Yeah. Tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, tan, I like that one. Ten-ton. Ten-ton.

I do want to see a scene. Ten-ton.

What could this possibly be? Can't wait.

I do want to see a scene. The two of you are in the Star Wars universe. You are trapped on Hoth. It is freezing cold. JPC, you're trying to convince Erin to crawl inside a dead tauntaun to stay warm for the night. Erin, you're ooged out and don't want to go inside.

Looks like that, uh, wind isn't letting up. Okay, Zorf, if you want to stay alive, you're gonna have to climb inside this tauntaun.

Oh, well, that's a little weird.

Well, it's, well, no, I mean it's, because its body heat is gonna be warm enough, because I've, it's freshly killed, it's gonna be warm enough to keep you alive in its, like, in its, it's, frankly, it's gonna be disgusting in its body heat.

I don't know, man. I'm looking kind of in there, and it looks like you sort of painted and sort of made it homey. So weird.

Yeah, I didn't want it to be like not nice for you. I mean, I can't do anything about the smell, but I could at least spruce it up.

This just feels a little insensitive. He was our companion, like we were all really close.

Okay, yeah, maybe he should live and you should die. Maybe that's how it should have worked. I'm gonna be fine. Yeah, this Canadian goose, parka, all the way down, big hood.

Is this why you killed him? Were you trying to make his house into your apartment? Or his body into your apartment?

First of all, I'm not going in there. It stinks in there. And I have a 1200 credit jacket that I'm going to be more than comfortable in.

Okay, then why is this huge TV in here?

He may have eaten that. That may have been something he ate. Is it partially digested?

We cannot be turning our friends' bodies into our apartments.

First of all, he was not a friend, okay? I bought him from a man.

You were his best man.

I was his only man. Uh, sorry buddy, I'm done in here. We did the, um, for the kitchen, we did the backsplash and the subway tile. Oh, hi. Hello, lady.

Oh, awesome. Contractors. Here's some credits.

Wow. And also, you know, here's some credits for like lunch or whatever. Get yourself something, you know. Oh, nice. I know I don't have to, but you and the guys, you did a great job. Have lunch on me.

Oh, hell yeah. Guys, we're getting space sandwiches.

Wow, you must have had to hire these guys way before he was dead. You're not a very good friend, man.

What? Are you kidding me? I just met this guy and his little babu freaks.

Hey guys, I don't even- Are you willing to do another job?

Uh, yeah, if the credits are right.

Smash cut to me living inside of JPC's body. Big screen TV.

He's still alive.

He's still alive. Squawk! It's a living!

I love picturing in the Star Wars universe that it's canon now that they have Canada Goose coats. It's like Qui-Gon Jinn in a... Big ass parka. Big ass Canada Goose parka.

It's like apres-ski. Everyone looks super put together. Um, a totally tubular parking area rental.

A lit lot. Yeah.

Yeah, you got it.

Tubular parking area. A lit lot.

Rental.

Rental. Lent. Lent.

Yes. Lit lot let.

Lit lot let. Live, laugh, let.

Live, laugh, let.

Live, let lot.

What you are left with when your feline is offended by the very cheap sleeping arrangements.

Catty kitty cotty.

Kitty catty cotty. You're so close.

Kitty manacotty?

Is that what you're saying?

It's not kitty though.

Cat cat cot.

Yeah. Cut cat cot.

Cut cat cot. Cut cat cot. I always don't do a K for kitty.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you are JPC's cat and you're pretty unsatisfied with the living arrangements. Meh.

Fine. You know what? Don't sleep in the tauntaun. I guess nobody wants to sleep in the tauntaun. I guess I'm killing these things for some sort of sport.

California King, meow.

I don't have a California King tauntaun. I have the tauntauns that I have, okay? This tauntaun was a queen among her people. Okay, fine. You're ungrateful. You're ungrateful.

One-third wrench, meow meow.

One third rent? What? Okay. I'm already paying one quarter portion. I'm not gonna start paying a one third rent on top of my one quarter portion. I'm throwing you in the sarlacc pit. Ah, meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow

You're damn right I'm an angel.

Dishes could be, meow meow meow, not left out to soak, meow meow meow, as you said. Not every dish needs to soak, meow meow meow.

Fine, okay. You know what? Why don't we do this? Why don't we just agree to disagree? We'll go our separate ways. You keep half the tauntaun, I'll keep my half. And I'll keep my half, okay? And you got the better half.

Oh yeah.

No room in the neck. My ass crawling up into a tauntaun neck, no way.

I got the fire blues, man.

Fucking tiny-ass cat. I'm 6'2", at Star Wars height, sleeping in a tauntaun neck. Unbelievable.

There's a saucepan with 40 forks in here. What are you, a soaked bitch?

Alright, let's get through all of these cuz I'm loving them and I know we can do it But we have to really be focused gang. Can we do it? No, okay Me I'm talking to JPC again at all VIP What is it goose and maverick you and me kid? We're locked in together. It's that guy over there.

Hello JPC ping pong and dong

Yes. This one is kind of cheating. What you need prepared when it's time to sit Adal down and teach him how to eat this candy properly.

Well, Kit Kat is what I don't eat properly.

Yeah. And then what you need prepared. What's something that you prepare if you're about to do?

A go bag.

Yeah, but a different way of saying that.

Kit.

Yes.

A kit. Kit Kat.

Kit, a kit, cat, kit.

Which is kind of cheating because it's two vowels.

Two I's. A poorly lit police horse mom who really likes telling someone what else to do.

A dim.

And police is in parentheses. It's not important. It's just sort of a little thing for JPC. A poorly lit horse mom who really likes telling someone else what to do.

Horse mom. So it's, it's, it's like, it's gonna be like a word for horse, right? Mare?

Um.

Holt?

Uh, uh. Really likes telling someone else to do is the most helpful.

Really likes telling someone else what to do.

A boss?

Right? Oh, boss? No.

Think of a boss in like a sexual context.

Oh, dom? Dom? A dim dom? A dim dom mom? Dim dom dam. Oh. A dim-dum damn.

A group of boss lady business mask lesbians.

Erin... You always say boss lady bitch, right?

Yeah, so yeah, you got one word.

Is it Erin?

No, it's not Erin.

Oh.

You said... Lady? Nope.

I don't know what I said. What someone might say after teenagers rang their doorbell for the ninth time? Ding dong ditch bitch. Try that ding dong ditch bitch again, bitch. This is getting close to Eminem.

Is it ding?

Yeah, that's the middle word.

Ding. Ding dong.

Yeah, and then, ugh, it's so annoying.

Ring ding.

Nope. You keep adding the consonants.

Ding dong.

Yeah, ding dong is the second two. Yeah, dang. Dang ding dong.

Dang ding dong.

To remove a bit of Mallard's curiosity. Oh, sorry. To remove a bit of a Mallard's curiously shaped body part.

Dick. Fuck dick duck. Dick duck is part of it. Erin, tell me that's right.

Dock duck dick.

Lie to me if you have to. Doctor, do I have a dock duck dick?

Yes, but don't laugh. A lush forest of bells.

Chime. Jungle. A jingle jungle.

Yeah, jingle.

My money don't jingle jangle, it holds.

Yeah, jingle jangle jungle. There's actually enough here to come back to them, I think. So I don't want to rush through them.

So let's do one more. That's different than what you said five minutes ago. Shut up!

You guys, my internet was not working this morning. I had a whole other episode I was planning on doing and then it threw me for such a loop and I burst into tears and I went, I don't know if I can do it. And then I I adjusted and I fixed it. It's still not good enough. Thank you, Adal. It's never you, Adal. You and me, kid. We are locked in. You're VIP.

I think I might believe you if you say it a few more times. I think I'm getting close to getting it.

You're doing well. Someone that chooses who gets to kiss an athlete from Green Bay.

Packer, a picker, packer, pucker. Pumpkin eater.

Packer, picker, picker.

Packer, pucker, picker.

Say it four times.

Peter Piper, pecker, picker, packer, packers.

Packer, pecker, picker. Um, Adal.

Yes.

You and me, locked in, my VIP. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire. Right to the front of the line, tell us what you want to plug, my guy.

Oh boy, I guess number one with a bullet would be the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. You can find, I want to say dozens if not hundreds of episodes of bonus content, all types of different series and improv and games and whatnot. So check it out. Go to patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. I think you're gonna like the way you look. Erin, my dear, you are the absolute best. You're always VIP. What do you have on the docket?

Well, follow Quality Time on Instagram if you would like to come to my monthly show. It's really cool. It's a true variety show. We've had carolers, we had a history teacher come and teach a little lesson. It's so fun. It's at the Lyric Theater in Los Angeles and it's once a month. So check that out. JPC, if you want to come out of the carcass you're sleeping in and either plug something or read a review, we would love that.

It's a Canada goose carcass. Carcass, carcass. Sponsor the show. Send me a jacket. Would love one. Carcass. Negative 50 degrees in Chicago. Send me one of those fucking jackets. Love a $1,200 jacket. Yeah, here we go. If you want to get a review featured on the show, leave a five-star review anywhere you leave reviews. I might read it on the show. Hey, this time I'm reading one from Liz Risley. Excellent name. Love this show. Hi, I'm JPC, and I'm a huge... Wait, sorry, guys. I just walked in. That's odd. I could've sworn I closed that- Oh, she has a note taped to her. This is so weird, but I guess I should read it, right? Let me just- Huh. We know what you did in Tucson. Huh, wow, what a stupid thing for someone to write. I mean, I've never even been to Tucson, right guys? I've never told you I was in Tucson, right? Because I never have been. Just to be clear- You know what? Forget Tucson, let's get back to the five star review. Hi, I'm JPC and I'm a huge butt. Haha, classic review. You really got me with that one anyway. Moving on. Erin, Adal, do you have any affordable lawyers you would like to plug?

TBC just read the review.

I can't. I never learned how.

I didn't have a stage. Erin, picture this. I'm married to Meg Ryan. I die. She survives. And then all of a sudden... Top Gun music. And then you say... Cupid? And then you're shirtless and you're playing volleyball.

Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan.

Casey told me to be editing. And Marty Parrot's in the music. Logo green.

Meg Ryan in that movie?

Yeah, in the first one. And then she was too old to be in the second one. Get out of here people who are old and who aren't men. Step aside.

I guarantee you they probably in Top Gun Maverick, they probably cast like Sidney Sweeney. And then someone was like, can we get someone a little older?

Someone who's seen the other side of 30 at least.

Hey there, candies and grams. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's Valentine's improv from a high school. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.