Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Now if you can just read the letters on the top line. We're just checking for your eyesight. So just left to right whenever you're ready.

What if we can read them? We've read them ahead of time. We know what the trick is. We know what you're trying to get us to spell. And we don't want any part of it.

I'm Elyse.

Hey everybody, it's me, Puff of Air. Puff, the magic Puff of Air. Hey, just came here to check out your eyeballs.

Wait, now I'm confused. Is that voice coming from inside your butt hole?

I'm not throwing my, I swear to God I'm not throwing my voice. What is that?

I think there's a fourth person here.

Someone get it out, get it out.

Oh my god, oh my god.

Oh hey everybody, it's Elyse Willems.

Thank you. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to participate in that.

Elyse, can I just say, in the history of this podcast, no guest has ever been sucked out of my butt by JPC. And it won't be the last. Please welcome Elyse Willems.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for doing this.

Yeah, Elyse, our Our policy here is very much like the USA Network in the early 2000s, and that is characters welcome.

Oh, I thought you were going to say up all night, but that's something else.

I thought it was we know drama.

I don't remember exactly which network had which slogan, but all networks and all slogans from the 2000s to I want to say 2010s apply to this podcast. So you are more than welcome.

What was Spike's slogan? Ooh, I forgot about Spike.

Just for men. Probably.

Just for men seems likely.

Let's look it up. Oh wait, we're not supposed to Google.

Oh shit, that's right. Elyse, in 2025 we're not Googling. Really? We're not Googling, Jeevesing, DuckDuckGoosing.

Those are all your sponsors though.

We're not not confidently saying things. We're just not googling to make sure we're right. 2025 is the year that people come at us. They come at us big time.

Can you call an aunt and ask her?

That is a little, it's a little loophole.

Who wants to be a millionaire, Rolls? We can make, we can do a phone call.

If I called one of my aunts, and it wasn't about what time Thanksgiving is, I don't know what that conversation would even be.

Wait, I'm trying to think. Does anyone have an aunt that would know the slogan for Spike TV?

Yes, everyone. Everyone has an aunt.

I do not have that aunt.

I do not. I don't know that I do. The slogan for Spike TV. I don't know that I have that aunt.

We can make one up. I mean, if we are bringing back Spike TV, Let's talk our memories.

What shows were on Spike TV? Like video game shows or something?

Why would you ask us more specifics about Spike TV?

Was there gonna be video games? I worked on a show that aired on Spike TV, GTTV with Jeff Keighley, about video games. But then there was lots of Bellator, which was UFC adjacent.

Okay. Uh, yeah, I always thought it was like a... Well, I didn't know about video games. I guess that doesn't make sense for their brand, but I always thought it was more like dirt bikes and, like, hitting each other with, like... Like, if there was a show about, like, knife sharpening, I'd be like, yeah, that's Spike TV, right?

Yeah, it was dirt bikes hitting a dude with your dirt bike, sharpening a knife to puncture the tires of someone else's dirt bike. Uh-huh.

Okay, I just got off the phone with my aunt, and she swears Spike TV's slogan was, Bump. Set. Us.

Ooh. That'd actually be pretty good.

That's actually not bad. That's not bad at all. Okay.

Elyse, this is a riddles and puzzles podcast, if you can believe it. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, escape rooms?

Well, I have to ask, have you ever had a guest on this podcast that you've later learned their family was horrifically murdered by Batman's Riddler, and this is just a complete traumatic experience for them to be here?

Uh, yes.

Dick Grayson's been on once or twice.

I'm like going back and like who, what's the funniest guess that I could say that happened to?

That a riddle killed their family.

Josh Gondelman. Yeah, Josh Gondelman.

Why don't we say Josh Gondelman's family was murdered by the Joker?

Can't call his aunt to ask her what the spike slogan was because she's dead. I am a sycophant for riddles and puzzles and mysteries and anything of the like. I love escape rooms. This is my Valhalla. I'm so thrilled to be doing this with you all. And I love Riddle's easy and complicated, the ones where, you know, it's just like, okay, yeah, that's obviously a zebra, but it makes me feel really smart to have known that. And then the multi-layered ones where it's really just conjecture, which are the ones that I really enjoy the most that you do on this podcast.

Now Elyse, I have to ask. I'm so happy you love escape rooms. Escape rooms are one of my favorite things in the world. You told us while we were getting all set up here that you're from Canada. Is a Canadian escape room just like a room with an unlocked door and you just kind of walk out and they're like, thank you so much? Have you done a Canadian escape room?

It's the Peace Bridge that you drive over to get from Niagara Falls. I've only done one escape room in Canada and it simulated the kind of like bowels of, or I guess I want to say maybe if you were in the Paris catacombs was the idea that you would be in these like labyrinthian tunnels and there were these sarcophagi throughout it and also confessional booths. And so this alarm would go off and when the alarm went off, people would crawl out of the sarcophagi and then start chasing you and you had to run into a confessional booth to protect yourself, and the puzzles were terrible. It was really bad, but the atmosphere was- It sounds like conversion camp. Yeah. Very much so. Yeah, I would say in Canada, we don't really have a strong national identity, so I feel like the biggest Canadian escape room would be something that involves being very passive-aggressive, because we're also passive-aggressive people.

I didn't know that.

We don't want to confront.

It's wild that, like, Canada and the United States, geographically very similar. Ethnographically, like, have some similarities as well. And it sucks that, like, Canada's like, yeah, we don't really have a strong national identity. And we're like, well, then why the fuck do we have one? Like, we shouldn't have one either, right? If, like, you guys don't have one, like, do we need one? Can we get rid of ours? Does anyone know if I could return a national identity?

Could we rebrand, perhaps?

Oh, how would you all rebrand America?

Take down the Statue of Liberty, put up a statue of Dolly Parton.

Or just give the Statue of Liberty a boob job.

Yeah, I guess I would just swap California and New York, just the people. I would just move all the people and swap them, even swap fair trade. That's probably all the change that I would make.

That happens a couple times a year anyway, is people from New York move to California and California move to New York. That happens constantly.

The Great Migration. I think my only note for America is I could do like 15% more fireworks. Oh God, not in Los Angeles. Oh boy. God. We're so thrilled to have you here in your Valhalla. And I love that phrase, this is my Valhalla. It's got me wondering from my co-hosts, Adal, Erin, what do you think your Valhalla is?

Oh, that's probably a big escape room. Big escape room. It's a never-ending escape room. That's your Valhalla?

Yeah.

That's fun.

My bed.

Okay. So pretty similar. We're both into the pretty similar. Yeah. JBC, what about you?

Mine's just regular vanilla Valhalla, where the greatest Norse warriors go when they die. I mean, I kind of see myself that way. I know others don't see me that way. It's a delusion that I have to maintain, but that's kind of why I see myself as strong.

It sucks that Vanilla Valhalla is the perfect title for a Ben & Jerry's movie.

It's vanilla ice cream with pieces of beard and axe.

Cool.

Cool. Very cool.

Elyse, what's your Valhalla?

I would also like to be bedridden, covered in sores, rolled every hour on the hour.

That's exactly what I meant. That is exactly what I meant.

Probably Sesame Street for me, to be honest. Okay. Yeah.

Fun.

And are you one of the… they're not Muppets, are they? They're streeters? What are they called?

I think you mean the people on Sesame Street?

Are the people Muppets on Sesame Street? It's Muppets and Big Bird.

I don't know. I think the Sesame Street, I don't know if they're technically considered Muppets. They might be puppets, technically speaking.

Welcome back!

I'm never sleeping again. Let's get into some riddles here. Yay! These are going to be some more thrimes. I think we did these not too long ago. What's going to happen is I'm going to give you three clues. Those three clues will lead to three answers, and those three answers will all rhyme.

You said thrimes, Adal. We have done these. I almost did the Threelon Musk joke again, and then I thought, I was like, I think I did this.

We're stuck in a time loop. What am I doing?

What's the point of even having a higher brain function if this is what I'm using it on?

Here's the first thrime. Existing in the wild, imminent danger, and germ-free. Existing in the wild, imminent danger, and germ-free.

And now I don't remember how to do these. What am I doing? What am I doing? Why am I doing it?

Do I have to get my thrimroid checked?

Yeah, you should just be doing that anyway.

Yeah So I'll give you an example an example because I don't want to the one I just read I really enjoy the answer so I don't want to burn it. So an example would be a numbered cube Hey Riddle Riddle. That will lead to three answers, and those three answers will all rhyme. Gotcha. So let me read these again. Existing in the wild, imminent danger, and germ-free. And if you get any of the three, you should be able to have an insight into the other two. Germ-free. Is it inert, alert, and referred?

What was that last one? Referred. Referred.

The Swedish chef farting? Yeah. No, it is not.

Fuck.

If you're germ-free, you're healthy? Or you're cured? You're healthy?

Clean? Think more of like a lab or a hospital. Sterile. Sterile. Yes, yes. Feral. So feral and sterile are two of them, and then imminent danger.

Peril.

Peril. Wow. Wow. Give me all three, Erin.

Sterile, peril, and feral.

Yay. I do want to see a scene.

I got lost in the sauce, yep.

The three of you are bears in a zoo, in an exhibit in the zoo, but you're all very, very concerned about cleanliness, about everything being sort of sterile and clean, and it's you just sort of dealing with this daily struggle of everything needing to be clean.

Don't eat the salmon today.

Why? Todd, what happened?

I saw, don't eat the salmon, just trust me, don't eat the salmon. I don't want to disgust anyone, but it's, I saw it before they put it on the plates and it's just sitting in a bucket in a hallway.

What?

It's literally salmon out of a bucket in a hallway. They put it in a plate. I've never seen it and I assume that's the kitchen. Back there in the hallway where they bring us the uncooked salmon. I've never seen it before but I got a glimpse of it today. Do not eat the salmon.

Todd, are you just trying to freak us out so you can eat all the salmon or is this true?

You couldn't pay me to eat a bite of that fucking salmon. I'm gagging right now just recounting what I saw. You guys aren't even wearing gloves.

What? I saw you chowing down pretty aggressively on some salmon yesterday.

Yeah.

Oh my god, you don't think that the yesterday's salmon is the today's salmon, right? This is certainly like a new guy.

Don't throw up.

I'm gonna lose my salmon.

Don't throw up. We're stuck in a very small room together. Do not throw up.

I am gonna go absolutely feral if this place isn't sterile.

Yeah.

Okay, you know what? I'm not throwing up because I know how gross it is and how hard it is to clean and how much it sticks in the bare fur and how much salmon I've had. There's a variety of reasons, but the thought that I have been eating salmon out of a bucket for the last of my entire life is sickening me.

This is the same thing that happened when that kid on the field trip sneezed in your face. You spent a month- Peter.

Remember Peter?

Remember Peter? He sneezed in your face?

Carlos and I remember Peter. I hibernated four months early after he did that. I'm taking the year off. Well, he's still having nightmares. Peter is?

Yeah. Can I go home please? No, Peter.

Peter. No. Sit. You are my pillow now. See, this is immersion therapy.

I like to think that Peter learned bear in those months. Oh yeah.

Yeah, of course.

You know, distinguish the growls from the grunts.

All right, I'm ready to get this next one, Adal.

Here's another thrime. Several wolves, a pair of antlers, a duck call.

A pack, a quack, and a snack, my brother.

A quack. A pack. Horn.

JPC, I think you said all three. Can you repeat it? No, because I said snack, and a pair of antlers can't be a snack, right? A stack. A pack, a quack, and a stack?

There you go.

Wait, can you read that again, Adal? Sorry.

Several wolves, a pair of antlers, a duck call. I think all three have been said.

Yeah, pack, rack, and quack. I didn't know that a pair of antlers was called a rack of antlers.

Oh yeah.

Interesting. Okay, so when that moose slapped me, they were justified. Because you were staring at its rack.

Yes.

Thank you. You said, nice rack. Thank you.

I would like to see a scene. The three of you are in a wolf pack and you're trying to decide who the alpha is.

Howl. I'm not a leader of his pack, so I think there's some genetic... What? I didn't know that. Clarence, why don't you... Obviously, I think it's sealed. I think I'm the leader, but Clarence, why don't you do yours? Okay. Just for funsies.

Check this out. Check this out. Cha-cha!

Cha-cha! Clarence. Clarence, what the hell? I hate that movement you're doing with your paws. I'm still voting for Gene.

I

This whole election was supposed to be between Gene and Clarence to see who could lead the pack, but Clarence, I might not even want you in the pack.

What are you talking about? Clarence, I feel so bad because I called for you to do that. I was like, you do yours.

I'm expressing that same feeling we all get when the moon is full and you look at it, you look up at it, and you just, you gotta let it out.

Oh no, it's gotta be a big a-woo. It's gotta be a big a-woo. And the thing that sucks is like, mine would be, and I'm not running, but mine would be like a-woo! And what sucks is that due to the wolf constitution, Clarence is now the wolf vice president. So Clarence has more power than me just because I didn't want to run because I didn't want to pay the 50... What's wolf money? 50 tree branch registration fee?

And I mean, that's your prerogative, man.

Okay, I mean- Do we have like a wolf dictionary?

A wolf dictionary?

Like a wolf-tionary?

Yeah, wolf-tionary. The thing that we all use every day.

Great, here he comes, here he comes. Hey Dick.

Hey.

You casting for a new series?

Uh, yeah. Wait, are you guys hanging out with a chicken? It's two wolves and a chicken. Cha-cha!

No, that's another.

That's Clarence.

Hey, I'm Clarence.

That looks like... Wait, Dick Wolf, are you saying that the opposite of what normally happens where a chicken would infiltrate a pack of wolves is happening to us because maybe we killed too many chickens and this chicken is waiting until we all go to sleep to get some sort of chicken revenge on some wolves?

That's my next TV show idea. Thanks, pal. It shouldn't be.

It shouldn't be.

That's insane. Chicago chicken revenge coming this fall. Let's do a couple more of these. A rule in undergarments unrefined. A rule in undergarments. And unrefined.

Pure.

It's not pure. A rule.

A spank. Oh. A tank. And a frank. I'll give it to you. Raw.

Raw.

Clarence the chicken, you're getting it. Bra, bra. It is bra and raw.

And then a rule. And law.

Law.

Yes, it's a law.

Law and bra. Does that rhyme? Law, bra.

I would love to see a scene where the three of you discuss or you're educating the new raw bra law. Okay, great. It's just come to the floor of Congress. Yeah.

Gentlemen, we're the obvious three to sort of discuss this and make these choices.

Obviously.

We want to make sure that this document is pretty sound and we sort of get right to the point. Precisely. Anything you guys want to add?

Yes, the senator from New Hampshire would like to say that I think any sort of crudo or sashimi or even nigiri should not constitute A women's bra.

Yeah, bra. Wait, what did you think we were talking about?

We've been talking about- Nothing but suitcase full of bra under desks.

There's only one bra in there.

That's a suitcase full of bra. What is that a- Wait a second, wait a second. You have a suitcase full of sushi and I have a suitcase full of laws. Are we all working for three different lobbies right now?

No, no, I'm talking about what you guys are talking about. I want to talk about the raw bars and the laws surrounding them. I didn't want to talk about a bra. The senator from Wyoming did not want to talk about- Hold up.

What we're talking about is putting raw fish- Right. Legally mandated on women's breasts.

Oh, okay, so we are talking about boobs.

Welcome back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I think Laramie is famous for their bento boxes.

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Who's paying you guys? Knock, knock, knock. Oh, someone's knocking on the Senate door. Who is it? Who's there?

Excuse me. I believe I was called here to display my new raw bra. No, no, no, no, sorry. We don't need you anymore. Oh. All right, I guess I'll take my bosom holder made of trout elsewhere.

Oh, wait, wait, is this the Dolly Parton Statue of Liberty that we ordered?

Why, yes it is, darling.

I see.

Excellent. Excellent job, Elyse, switching up your accent. And Erin, also excellent Wyoming accent. I thought you were going to do it very well.

Killer Wyoming accent. Thanks. Eastern Jackson Hole? Erin, is that what you're saying?

Yes, I think so. And I don't know any other locations. You've listed all the locations in Wyoming, I know.

You know, Eastern Jackson Hole, that's it.

And Laramie.

And Laramie.

Cody, I think is where we're... The Grand Tetons? That could have worked its way in, huh? Oh, for that scene especially. A kind of sale, S-A-L-E, a kind of sale, a kind of funeral, and a kind of dance.

Bogo pogo and hogo. Hmm? What did you say? What did I hear?

A kind of sale, a kind of funeral, a kind of dance. A fire, a pyre, and desire, baby. Damn, that's a phenomenal guess, but that's not what I have here.

Is it like wake, bake, and flake? Or wake, bake, and shake? You got two of them right.

Oh. Wake, bake, and shake sounds like exactly what I want to drink when I'm high.

A bake sale, a wake, and a shake is not the type of dance. The type of dance would be a rake.

Think of electric boogaloo. Think of the robot. Think of spinning on your head. Think of break. Yeah, it's bake, wake, and break.

Wow. Break into electric boogaloo. I guess that does make sense that that's a type of break dancing. I never put that together.

Here we have to congeal, to suppress, and to shuck. To congeal, to suppress, to shuck.

This is a little tougher.

To congeal, is that just to sit?

Can you use them all in a sentence? Yes. The same sentence, please. That's the only way I'll understand. You mean the answers, right? No, the prompts.

To shuck. Shucking is like you, like, shuck corn. It's like to remove something off of.

Is there anything else that is shucked other than corn? Oysters. Responsibilities.

Yeah, that's to shir- I think shir- To shir- A shoe.

I mean shirk. Oh, gotcha. A shoe. Whoops. Shirk responsibilities. Shirk. Shirk.

So, I think use oysters in this context, because you can shirk oysters. And oysters- Open. Congeal. Oysters have a specific thing that they're encased in.

Shell?

Shell. Yeah. To congeal, to suppress, to shirk. This is a tough one.

Shell, swell. Quell, quell.

Quell, quell and shell. And then to congeal. Oh, boy. You want to make sure a group of people fit together. Dispel?

Well? No.

They're all on the same page and they... Meld? Yeah, but they also... Gel?

Yes. Gel. To congeal is to gel. That makes a lot of sense.

Whoa. Give me another one.

These tickle the back of my brain. My hippocampus. Okay, Erin, you asked for it. You got it. Yucky, flypaper, and a mouse. Yucky, flypaper, a mouse. Yucky flypaper and a mouse. Mickey? Mickey Sticky? Icky Sticky Mickey.

Icky Sticky and Mickey? I do want to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Oh, damn, I got there so quick.

Elyse, you get to pick which of the three of us wins.

Oh, wait. Icky Sticky Mickey?

No.

Who gets to choose?

Oh, yeah. No, Elyse, that's a better question. You have to pick between the three of us. Who's Icky, who's Sticky, and who's Mickey?

And those are, not Donald Duck's, Scrooge McDuck's nephews? No trying to sneak your scene into here.

I would like to see a scene. Tucked tails. Erin, I was first. I was technically first.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck does that mean? I'd like to hear one sentence from everyone why you should be your desired Icky Sticky or Mickey. Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I will go first. Elyse, my scene was going to be Mickey Mouse smoking that Sticky Icky.

Oh, okay.

My scene was going to be JPC getting fired from Disney World after he played Mickey Mouse wrong.

And of course my scene was going to be Disney introducing Mickey's two cousins, Sticky and Icky, who come to visit him. I'm a mouse too.

You see how much fun it was? Adal already wanted to do it. I'd like to see all of those scenes combined. Okay.

Perfect.

Has it ever been done here on Hey Riddle Riddle? No. It's never been attempted.

A bad scene? No, we've done a thousand of those. It's been done and edited out. How are we doing this? The core premise of mine is that we have Icky, Sticky, and Mickey.

The core premise of mine is that Mickey smokes that Sticky Icky. Okay.

Okay, and then mine is that we are the people playing these characters at Disney World. So I got this. I got this.

We got this. Yeah, we got this. We got this for sure.

And I'll be Walt.

Great. Yeah. If you want to do a walk on his wall, if you feel moved to.

I've got some strong opinions. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Hey, Mickey, I don't know if you should be smoking in front of the kids.

Oh, what do you mean? Oh, should I be smoking in the green room or what's up?

Hey we actually- Oh shit. Hey Sticky, we actually have to do the voice when we're out here. You can't just do regular voice.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if you should be smoking in front of the kids!

Do you think there's more doors in the world or more windows? Oh shit. Oh, oh, Icky! You have to- What the- What the hell kind of voice are you doing? Icky! What are you three putzes doing? Get back to work! It's me, Walt Lipinski.

Shift manager at Disneyland.

I love it.

Lepensky sounds like a very Canadian name. Yeah. It's got like the Quebecois of it all.

Lepensky.

Lepensky, the Canadian Disney, the French fur trapping Disney.

How often would you say the three of you make it out to Canada?

I'm from Massachusetts originally, so when I was a child, quite a bit. Because that wasn't too long of a drive to get to, like, Montreal. How often do you say wicked, Erin? I try not to. I try to... I've tried to sort of... Be better. Be better. Do better, be better.

This award season has been tough.

It has been very tough for me. Yeah, I think I say it way more than I'm aware of. I don't know, guys. How often do you hear me say it?

Um, you don't say wicked too much, but occasionally you do say smart.

Smart. I'm wicked smart.

I haven't, I haven't been to, I've only been to Toronto and I haven't been there in probably like close to two decades since I was like a little kid. Um, but I have wanted to go back. I want to visit, um, I heard about it on a Doughboys episode. I want to visit the show.

Made. What? I wish I could Google this. There is a miniature village. Cullen Gardens and Miniature Village. If they're talking about Cullen, I had to sing the theme song from the 90s to think of what it was called. What? But I think it was there was Cullen Gardens and Miniature Village Beautiful Magical Fun was the theme song. And that might be what they're talking about.

Elyse, I think I speak for all of our listeners in that we need to hear that full song.

Yeah. Calling gardens and miniature villas. I don't, I don't, that's all I know.

Wait, what other theme songs do you remember from growing up? Canada?

Yes. Oh, oh, there's always something good going down at Mr. Sub. Cause we had Mr. Sub in addition to Subway. Yeah, Mr. Sub. And then, sleep country Canada, why buy a mattress anywhere else?

So there's only one song and you change the lyrics. That's insane.

Wait, I want a hundred more.

Oh, it's just, it's just, it's a whole ecosystem unto itself.

Right. I do love hearing about people's regional commercial jingles.

Yes. A hundred percent.

Yeah.

I've talked about this in the show before, but I have a theory that all of the best songs are regional water park commercial jingles. Did Canada have any water parks or was it too cold? Yes.

Oh, sorry. What was our waterpark called?

Casey, go ahead and bleep when Elyse said fuck.

Put down when we say fuck.

Our waterpark was called Fuck Slippery. What was our waterpark called?

Fuck Slippery sounds like the sex waterpark penguin mascot. Like, my name's Fuck Slippery and you're about to get wild. I have a question for Adal and Erin because you're at least Adal from the Midwest and Erin spent some time in the Midwest. Are you familiar with the Sybaris? Yes, it's a hotel.

Isn't that the three-headed dog?

Yes.

No, the Sybaris is a small regional chain of fuck hotels, and the gimmick behind the fuck hotels is that they all have like pools in the hotel room.

Yeah, and one of them's like a jacuzzi that's in like a martini glass where you have to take a little ladder, you have to crawl up a ladder or something.

Some of them have slides in them, but it's all like a pool in a hotel room. And they're almost exclusively, I would say, for cheaters or mom and dad who need a weekend away type of thing.

Let's all pay attention to who knew about this and who did not know about this.

Oh, Erin, I'm an investor. They're only in Wisconsin, Illinois, and I think there's one in Indiana. So it's like a very small regional chain of cheaters hotels.

So you're telling me that my hotel room reeks of chlorine more so?

It's so funny because it's like the idea of a cheater's hotel is so funny, but also one that's impossible to clean. It's like, what are we doing?

Yeah, ew. Ew.

Do you think that just someone checks out and then the staff presses a button where it overflows the hot tub and just saturates the entire room and there's a drain in the center of it that just sucks all the debris and splatter out?

I'd only feel comfortable with it if they set the whole room on fire in between each

Erin, I literally was gonna say I think what happens is they burn down the room and build a new one for you. It's all just like plasterboard.

I was doing some research on this, neither here nor there, but I was on their website because I remember the TV commercials, why I thought of it, from the 90s and the early 2000s, and they were really funny. But then I was going back and being like, is this place still open? And I saw on their website that not only are they still open, but they have like afternoon rates. And I was like, oh, so you're not even paying for a night at the Jeter's Pool Hotel?

No!

They're not changing the sheets. They're definitely not changing the sheets. Did they have a jingle?

I think they did, but it was also out. You'll have to go and watch some Sybaris commercials. Call an aunt.

Call an aunt. Call an aunt. Here, I'll just take it for you.

Let's get a break. Let's get a break.

All of our aunts knew the song right away.

She's like, I knew the slow jam R&B remix. Life is a free party, Riddle Riddle.

Alright, well, we're back from break. We all just watched a Sybaris commercial. We recommend you do the same.

Oh, no, no, no. No, we don't.

No, no, no.

No, we don't.

Okay, interesting. Kind of a different vibe.

Don't watch. Just call 1-800-885-POOP.

Thank you for calling the shit barista, you called 1-800-855-POO!

JVC and Elyse, you're two people who are meeting up for a rendezvous at the Sybaris and you did not know what you were in store for.

Do you have the P-card? That's key card but with urine.

The gentleman at front desk just gave me regular hotel P-card. Yes, I assume. Okay, let's just go inside the room. Okay, this is not kind of what I was expecting for our rendezvous. You're right.

This is amazing. Oh my god, did you know that there's a pool in every room?

No, I mean... Thought we were just gonna do standard, like, you sell me missile secrets, I give you your missile money, I didn't, uh... So, was it a water bid?

No, no, put on your swim trunks, we're racing.

I didn't bring swim trunks! I'm selling seed secrets!

You don't keep an extra bathing suit in your car?

You honestly, you had a whole different vibe when we talked online. I honestly thought like I was kind of honeypotting you with money or no?

Well, I guess when you said we would come here to exchange missile secrets, I thought that was a euphemism for come here to swim and have sex.

Oh boy, now I can, I'm kind of replaying all of conversations we've been having over the years and uh... Oh boy.

And we flashback to some of the conversations.

So you want to have sex at the swim hotel? I see.

Episode title! Yay, we did it!

It's like, what's that movie at the El Royale? Oh yeah, what is that called? We can't google it. It's like, good times at the sex swim hotel.

Ugh, you wanna have sex at the swim hotel? That's just the honest-to-god marketing that they need to do for that place.

Coming fuck. JPC, were you playing Count Orlok from Nosferatu? Of course.

Of course. I'm playing a vampire. I was playing a vampire. And of course, vampires are who you sell missile secrets to.

I'm too scared to see that movie. Elyse, how do you feel about horror movies? Are you in or are you out? I do love horror movies.

And I have to say, and I don't mean this, this isn't me being like, I'm so cool, guys. Oh, I'm so edgy. But I couldn't figure out what the jump scares people were talking about in Nosferatu were. Whoa. She's cool. She's everything.

No, no, I promise you I'm not.

I promise. I might just have really delayed response times. Uh, Elyse, could you buy us some beer, please? Absolutely. Hang on, I just need to call an aunt really quick.

I don't see scary movies and my wife doesn't interest me and I was like, how scary was it? Was it very scary? And she was like, nah, it wasn't super scary. So it felt like she was giving me the okay that it's the type of movie that I could probably watch if I had any interest in watching it.

What do you all find very scary?

I guess like if like any sexuality at all in like a piece of media, I'm like, ooh, like, uh, this is getting I'm getting pretty scared right now. And I guess it kind of made me misunderstood what scary is. But it's a feeling I do not like.

I will say specifically, I haven't had it in 15 some years. I used to have a recurring dream where a dog on two legs was sprinting after me.

No, it's not for a four-legged dog.

It is a four-legged dog, but it's on two legs running at me. So like an unnatural, something coming at me in an unnatural way. I would also have dreams about old people moving very fast towards me. And also in the movie, It Follows, there's a scene in a bedroom where a egregiously tall man comes out of the darkness of the hallway into someone's bedroom pretty quickly. So I think I've pinpointed what scares me and it's things that shouldn't move fast, moving fast.

Oh, that's incredibly specific.

Because I feel like a lot of horror is like soundtrack or soundscape driven. And I feel like if Adal, you took all of those things that scare you and just put like yakety sacks beside them or behind them.

Well, I'd be Benny Hill, my good sir.

Like a dog, a dog running at you like even really fast on two legs. It's like, it wouldn't be that bad.

I'm a huge coward about everything. So I'm kind of scared about everything. But I would say horror movie wise, I have a really hard time with like religious horror, like exorcist.

So you haven't seen Heretic?

No, I can't. I can't do shit like that. I don't know why that's the stuff that like, gets to me the longest. on the show.

Yeah, you just gotta learn to live with it. You just got your own personal demon.

I love the idea of like exorcist, but it's like 20 years later and the family's just adjusted.

Yeah. That's so fucking funny.

There she goes up the stairs. She's crab walking again. Crab walking again.

Rinse two on the first. Ah, she's gone. I don't love gore. Like the gore part of it, I don't like to see. But also, I feel like I don't really watch a lot of movies anyway, and I If I have two hours to spend, I would rather not spend two hours being constantly stressed. I like Uncut Gems, but I'll only ever see that movie once. I don't even want to see a stressful movie that's well-acted or whatever. If I had my druthers, I'd rather watch something nice.

People are always trying to get me to rewatch Schindler's List with them. I just said I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. You did it.

There's a lot of movies that are like, hey, this movie is great. I'm not a re-watcher guy, so I'll watch a movie once and be done with it. I think that that's fine.

Is a re-watcher guy like a reply guy? I have a what am I riddle for us here. Okay.

I am a driver and I'm particularly good at right and left turns but never drive a car. What am I?

Welcome back to

the podcast.

I'll accept her.

That was a riddle with a twist. You're safe with us. All right, let's go to this next one here. I am needed by animals and books. What am I? Needed? I am needed. A spine? Erin, it's a spine.

Wow. Okay.

Whoa. Wow.

Not all animals have spines though, like jellyfish don't have spines.

Jellyfish aren't animals technically, Erin. They're abominations. They're freaks of nature. They're God's mistake.

Yeah, they're unloved cosmic beings. But Erin, we'll strike that from the record. Casey, can we pretend that never happened? Or how does editing work?

Casey, can you read that back to us?

Let's rewatch that. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a jellyfish at a library. Great. And you can't find the book that you're looking for. JPC, you are the resident librarian.

Excuse me?

Okay. You had your training, Jeff. Don't freak out. It's different, but different is okay.

Sorry, did you say something?

No, did you say something? Welcome to the library.

Um, hi. Hi. Um, I'm trying to do a project. Okay. Um, sorry, are you okay?

Wait, I just, yeah, I'm sorry, I just have, I just don't, I just don't know where to look. I'm just trying to, my eyes are darting around because I'm just, I guess, looking everywhere.

Look at my eyes.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You trying to do a project?

Yeah, I'm trying to do a project. I'm studying U.S. Presidents. You seem kind of nervous.

I'm just... Do you need water? Could I put... Should I pour any... Should I pour any water on you? Put you in a glass?

Well, um... Yeah, sorry, that's a little... You're sort of making assumptions about me. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that you got stung by someone I know and then someone had to pee on you. Are you going to say that next?

I'm sorry. Did you just walk into a library and immediately start talking about peeing on people?

No, I'm saying that's what you're probably going to say.

You're saying that I'm thinking about peeing on people.

Yeah, you're thinking about peeing on people right now. I can tell. Forget it.

I'm just going to go... I'm thinking about peeing on people because that's what we're talking about. We're talking about peeing on people.

Yeah, but you're thinking about it because you're looking at me.

Hey, there are kids here. You can't walk into a library and start talking about peeing on people.

Oh, hey, you're the one here. Get a ciberus.

That's my manager. That's Dan, my manager. He's always trying to push me to be more adventurous because I kind of stay at the library and I don't really have a social life outside of this.

There's pee all over the Narnia! There's pee all over the Chronicles! Okay, well that sounds like a you problem.

That sounds like a me problem. I just watched you walk over from the children's section. Did you pee in the children's section of the library?

My cousin got boiled alive in a sex hot tub. And I'm the bad guy. Because I peed on books that have intense religious overtones and undertones.

You can't just pee on books that you don't like, okay? And just because your cousin got boiled alive in a sex hot tub doesn't mean that that's the sex hot tub's fault. There are settings on a sex hot tub that can make it very comfortable for jellyfish.

Oh, okay. Are we gonna do this thing or what, man?

I think we are. Yeah, I'm going on break.

See? More riddles!

How many sides does a circle have? Six. Huh? Sixteen.

Hmm?

Shit. How many sides does a circle have?

Two.

Yeah, that's correct, but you have to list them.

Front and back.

Front and back? Very close. Top and bottom? About the same. It's two words and both words have side in the words. Inside and outside? Inside and outside.

I like top side, bottom side, top side, bottom side. Top circle side, bottom circle side.

Okay, it's good we have Elyse here because this is almost like an escape room type puzzle. Is everyone ready? Yes. If FT equals GD... God damn it. ...and SD equals SR... What does TD equal? This is math. And I'll repeat this one more time. If FT equals GD and SD equals SR, what does TD equal? All right.

FT equals GD. Say it again.

ST. If FT equals GD and SD equals SR, what does TD equal? And it's not touchdown. FT equals GD, SD equals SR, what is TD equal? Now, Erin, I can't help but notice that you've picked up a book and you've started reading it.

I'm trying to learn anything.

Are we like taking just, is it like, are we just like removing vowels? Is this like foot, God? Good, Assad. Oh, foot and good. And then sood. Okay, that. Hey everyone. That's the one thing I had. We're taking up vowel.

I would say you're omitting letters in general. We're consonant heavy like Jeff Probst right now. Something's gotta give here.

F-T, we could do fart with that. That's A-R and guard, which is an incorrect spelling of the word guard or an incorrect pronunciation of the word God. Fart God. Okay, Fart God. What are we doing? Help us.

Oh, Fart God. GPC is really loose here.

Oh, Fart God. Erin, don't say loose in response to someone saying Fart God.

I can say whatever I want.

That's true.

Loose lips, shit pants.

The FT is the GD and the SD is the SR.

God damn it. God damn it.

Can we have another hint?

Yes. So we just did a scene in a library. In a library, typically, you would keep books upright by using these. Oh, the dewey decibel system. I guess the dewey decibel system keeps books upright. Dewey decibel system. But what physically keeps books upright? Other books? Bookends. Bookends. So maybe the letters you're getting could relate to that. So FT equals GD.

Oh, it's like, are they in... No.

Wait, in regards to bookends? These are the... So... No. Is it a word that begins with FT and ends with GD?

Is it like where they fall in the alphabet?

It's not where they fall in the alphabet. JPC, you were kind of close, but it's not, it's... Fitzgerald. It's more isolated than what you said. More isolated? So I would say F and T are the bookends of one word, and GD are the bookends of another. The first and last letter of a different word.

All right, so we're back to Fart God.

Well... Always comes back around.

All right, FT equals GD, and SD equals SR. So what does TD equal? Now, these are three things. You got the answer for the first two, and you're guessing the third. I would say there is no fourth. There is no fifth. It ends at three. Okay, it ends at these two. So, this is something where it's one, two, three, and if you didn't make the one, two, three, you're shit out of luck. So, first equals... First equals good. One letter off. God, first equals God. Oh, still one letter off, but you have to add a letter.

Gold.

Yes.

Oh.

Bronze.

First is gold.

So SD equals SR. Silver. Yep. Silver. Third. And Erin, you said it, but I need the- BE? I need the specific answer. Yes, Erin, you just said it. TD equals BE.

Wow. Okay, I'd like to see a scene.

You guys- That sounded like a sick Al Pacino, Erin.

Hey. You guys are Olympic medalists who have gotten the gold, silver, and bronze, and you're sort of on the stand, and you're kind of trash-talking each other.

Technically, with market fluctuations, bronze is actually worth more than silver. Just thought I'd throw that out.

Okay, yeah, maybe. Maybe in your country. But where I'm from, silver is pretty fucking good.

What's next?

Well, I just want to say, guys, I'm just so thrilled that we're all up here together, because isn't this amazing that we're all here? Fuck you.

Fuck you. What did you hurdle better than us? You did the hurdles better than us?

What a dumb event that is. Yeah, this actually isn't even my main event. I was in a pretty bad motorcycle accident about two years ago, and they never thought I would hurdle ever again. Oh my God, oh my God. Yeah, that's literally what all the news stories have been about. No, I'm not giving you sympathy. No, yeah, I mean, I'll take the silver if you don't want it. I was being sarcastic. Oh, okay. So you don't care about my trauma and my history and my backstory and what it took for me to get here?

Okay, Greg, it's not like you had never hurdled before then you were in the motorcycle. You were the best hurdler in the world at every Olympics. This is the third Olympics that you've been at.

Yeah.

You had a motorcycle accident in an off-season, I'm sorry to say.

You should have seen me hurdle off that bike.

I wish I fucking could have. No, that's mean. That's mean. I take that back.

And I should say, I should say I could have absolutely dominated in one gold, but I just had that Gattaca surgery where they break your legs and add two inches. So I'm obviously, you know, obviously a little... It's not my fault you're shin heavy right now, Don. Yeah, my legs look too long for my body, don't they? Yeah, it's super shin heavy.

Look, I earned this gold fair and square. And look, there's nothing wrong with getting silver or bronze. I mean... Can I be honest with you guys?

Do you think that if there was a fourth person in this race, they would have beat me? Because I was going pretty slow and I was hitting a lot of those hurdles.

We never got to hear O Canada.

Coffee, coffee crisp, talking about coffee crisp. It's a jingle. Is that the Tim Hortons jingle? Jingle about one of our best chocolate bars.

One of our best chocolate bars. Well, speaking of chocolate bars, Elyse, what can we unwrap and bite into that you have going on?

That's such an effortless, flawless segue. Thank you.

Well, you can follow me everywhere on at Elyse Willems. And by everywhere, I mean Instagram and Blue Sky. Two places. Pretty much where I am now. And you can watch me weekly on PBS SoCal's YouTube channel on Won't You Be My Gamer, interviewing interesting people. And I also do a bunch of other little things. You can catch me on Hey Riddle Riddle in this episode. I'm so sad it's over and I regret not making more scenes for all of you.

We've done like 7,000 episodes of this. They've heard just about enough from us.

You can also catch Elyse on a yet-to-be-released, and if it was released and it didn't go anywhere, then yet-to-be-shelved-but-shelved-in-the-future episode of a yet-unnamed project that we may or may not have already recorded together.

And is that clear to everyone listening out there? And is that clear? And did I clear everything up for everyone? Elyse, you have to come back. I insist. Adal, do you have anything to plug?

I want to plug Spike TV. Yes. Check out Spike TV wherever you get your Spike TV. Wherever you get your Spike TV. Get it responsibly too, guys. Yeah, be safe. Be safe. Erin Keif, do you have anything to plug or promote?

I would say just check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. Lots of fun stuff happening over there. GPC, any review to read or something to plug?

I was going to say we also, over on the Patreon, we now do annual subscriptions. So if you want to sign up for a year, you get a 10% discount. So that is a fun thing that you could do should you choose to do it. And I want to read a review and I wasn't just stalling. Do look for a review. If you want to get a five-star review featured on the show, go ahead and write us a five-star review anywhere that you submit reviews. Hey, today I'm reading one from M.T. Engers. M.T. Engers writes, fun and classic. A very fun, cute, and spooky read. Very classic vibe and story for the purest form of childhood Halloween tales. And of course, that was a review of Elyse's book, A Night in a Halloween House, which is still available. Oh my God.

I thought that was a review of this podcast. I missed that episode.

Is this a book you wrote? A spooky Halloween book.

Yes, but let's not dwell on it. It's really not important.

I'm gonna order this. What's it called? Acclaimed author.

Well, hang on now.

I'm acclaiming you.

That's the thing, I'm acclaimed by my friends and peers. I wrote a children's novel called The Night in the Halloween House that's very sweet of you to bring up. Cool.

There's nothing so inherently scary that if you give this book to your niece, your sibling will be calling you to yell at you for the nightmares they had to endure 10 out of 10. I feel like that's a pretty good endorsement for the book.

You all went into detail about how you don't like scary stuff, and I thought the worst thing I could do would be to bring this book up to them now.

No, I'm impressed. I'm impressed.

Thank you. Erin, at the Sybaris that's in Illinois, there is a themed room where you're guaranteed to catch HPV from the pool. Do you know what the theme is of that room?

Well, it's technically all the rooms, but Jupiter.

Should we flash the number for the Sybaris again? Yeah.

Oh yeah. Casey, go ahead and flash that number. However you choose to do that in audio form. Casey's lifting up his shirt. Casey told you to be editing. Okay, hold on, before we come back from break. You gonna look up the jingle?

No, I don't even think it's a jingle, but just watch this.

I also forgot the phone number was 888-805-POO. At first I thought it was 888-805-POO when it transitioned on screen.

Oh wow, the shower doors looked like sliding glass doors to a patio. They'd have to be. They're probably like bomb shelter grade glass.

I remember seeing that commercial when I was a kid and being like, that place looks awesome! And not really getting the full context of what's going on there. Hey there monkeys and dogs, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another This Day in Improv History. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or starting a 7 day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gun podcast.