Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Real quick, this, I just wanted to check on 340. When's inauguration day?

January 20th.

Okay, so I think this is coming out on Inauguration Day.

22nd.

Oh, it's coming out on the 22nd. Okay. Yeah, so this will be it. Yeah. Just so everyone knows, Trump is president.

Let's give him some good old-fashioned escapism, huh, gang? Let's not bring it up at all.

Okay, well, yeah, I don't want to.

He stood on a block of ice, eh?

Oh, that Merkel fish.

It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with a knife, eh?

Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle ice cream shop. What can I get you today?

Ooh, do you do, like, samples? Oh, sorry.

You go ahead, sir. We're just not going to talk about what happened two days ago? The insurrection?

I could give you a sample of the hay or the riddle or the riddle.

Aaron, before we started recording, did you not say let's talk about what just happened two days ago at the inauguration and the big insurrection? Am I taking crazy pills?

Is this made with 2% milk or whole milk?

It's actually oat milk. And isn't that interesting?

Oat milk is good. This is what those Patreons were protesting two days ago.

Well, the hay is actually pretty, like, tangy. It's sort of like, uh, more like a shaved ice. Ooh, tangy.

That's good.

Yeah, that is good. And then this riddle is very, very creamy, very rich, very chocolatey. And this riddle is a little bit more, like, vanilla-y with, like, a little caramel in it.

I miss having a vanilla riddle, if you know what I'm saying, you know? Because we have something that's kind of orange, kind of tangy. Orange.

Take a sugar cone with two scoops of vanilla and here is my TV to pay for it.

Oh, fantastic.

Of course, currency is no longer accepted. So my TV should suffice.

That makes sense. A family came in here a moment ago and paid with an iPad and a song. So, uh, yeah. Okay. Here you go. Can I keep the change?

Pulls out a knife. No, I'll keep the change.

Oh, fantastic. Take your TV back. The song was the currency. The iPad was the tip, to answer your question, sir. That makes sense.

That makes sense.

Well, I thought this could be some good old-fashioned escapism, which I think is what I actually said right before we started recording.

Hold on. I gotta look up what escapism is. Escapism.

Welcome to the apocalypse, everybody. We're still Hey Riddle Riddle. We got you through four years of this before, and we're going to be there for you now. We actually only were there for two years before.

What if every day we wore those screen masks?

If you're bored, I know I have a cure for what ails you. Obviously, you know, when we're recording this, it hasn't even happened yet, so we're not going to be talking about who's present or whatever. I'm going to give the people what they actually want. A Frozen update. That's right. I've watched more Frozen. Walt Disney's head. Oh, yes, yes, yes. The movie. The movie. The movie. Disney's Frozen. I've watched more of it. And I have an absolute bombshell for the two of you. Okay, incredible.

It's 2014 all over again. Can't wait to talk about Frozen. Let's do it.

Did you two know, did the two of you know, were the two of you aware, Casey, you can chime in with this as well, that Josh Gad is in Frozen? You mean Olaf? Well, okay, so somebody is familiar.

He's playing his Book of Mormon character and his video game Adam Sandler movie character and his- Yeah, he plays Josh Gad.

He's America's Josh Gad. He's the new Gilbert Gottfried in my opinion. Gad's in it. He's in Frozen. If you didn't think Gad was in Frozen, like twice you could miss him. But he just showed up. And get this. This motherfucker sings a song about wanting to be in summertime. He's a snowman in this movie.

GPC, when was the last time you got out of the house? When was the last time you went for a walk?

No spoilers. That's as far as we got. That's as far as we got before nail clipping time was over. And I gotta say, Frozen, not really working the same magic for nail clipping time that it used to. I might never, I might be done watching Frozen about halfway through.

You should switch to a different era of Disney movies, like switch to, you know, the Golden Era. You're Lion Kings, you're Little Mermaids. Or switch to the Bronze Era. You're... Secrets of Mims.

Have you tried fireworks?

Oh yeah, but when I light those off in the house... You guys haven't even brought up my haircut once on this recording. I cut 9 inches off my hair and I bleached the fuck out of it. Wait a minute, you told us 10 inches pre-recording.

Okay, it was nine and a half inches.

Shrinkage? Were you in a pool?

I was in a pool. Shrinkage. And I get what that means.

Yeah.

Shrinkage, Jerry!

Erin, it looks fantastic.

Thank you so much. Okay, now I can be Old Man Puzzles now that I got my compliment.

Erin, you also look tan.

Oh, thank you. I think that's just the lighting in here. I'm famously a Victorian ghost.

It may be because now that your hair is lighter, It makes it look like you are Tanner. Would that be how it works? Yeah, that could be how it works. Sure.

I think it's the opposite. I think it's probably making me look more washed out. Well, I got my compliment and I'm ready to be old man puzzles. Can I hear you say way-oh? Way-mo! Okay, perfect. And we're still doing, just checking, now that the world has changed so much and we're sort of in a dark place, we're still doing riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems?

One more, this is last year, this will be, I'm gonna say it, last year. This is the last year of it.

I love that attitude, Adal.

Next year, 2025, keeping riddles alive. 2026, pivot. Pivot. Pivot. Pivot. Pivot.

Pivot.

Sex.

Jeremy Pivot. Yeah. Ooh, sex. Oh, God. Erin would be great at this.

I am having a ton of sex. No, that is a soundbite of me.

Put a balloon in my ass.

It's a clown-off.

Erin fake pressed a button as well. That's very funny. Adal. Yeah. Forgive me if we've talked about this. In 2024, we were not doing any Australian accents on the podcast. Meat is back on the menu. Am I wrong?

Well, shrimp is back on the barbie.

Shrimp is back on the barbie. And if you could make the meme, send it to us. You know the one I'm talking about. You know the one I'm talking about.

I do want to see orks at a restaurant. So you're asking, I assume, you're sort of posing to be, what are we banning this year?

Wait, what are we?

What are we?

What is this? What are we doing? There's two Italian beef giardiniera dudes. Hot dip wet bag giardiniera. Wet bag is what he said.

We're just three podcast hosts. Oh, I guess, Adal, first of all, I was celebrating. I was excited about the fact that we can do Australian on the podcast again. But you are correct. I think, you know, you have set up a tradition, like a New Year's tradition, that we do have to give something up. Yes.

Sort of a year-long Lent. Why don't we give up, speaking of Lent, why don't we give up the 90s one-hit wonder band, Len?

Is that their name?

No! Now, it is a band. Now, Lynn did Steal My Sunshine. Is that the one? Oh no!

You have to give me more of a ramp if I'm giving them up for a whole year.

Erin, you can no longer... I don't know if I can go a whole year without singing a song that I barely know the words to.

Well, we could also not sing like the guy. So we can't go like, I was standing in a hot tub with a bunch of my old friends. We can't do that anymore.

Then what are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Oh, wow.

I don't know.

Erin, I'm so sorry. I already said it, so... No, pick something else! We really fucked ourselves.

I've never wanted to sing a song more in my whole life. I'm going to barf.

Real quick. Sorry. Erin said, I've never in my whole life. And she was kind of doing the voice. She was kind of doing the voice. She was kind of doing the voice.

Adal, you're kind of stealing my sunshine right now.

We have to be very careful this year, Erin. Especially with what happened two days ago. It's more important now than ever.

Last year we banned Australian accents and Adal did it two weeks later.

And we pissed off an entire country and continent. And this year, I'm sure we've just offended lead nation. Yeah.

And I think that the guy from Lynn is a listener. Say his name. Okay, if I have to guess his name, it's gotta be Bradley, right? Like, that seems like a guy whose name is Bradley.

Jody Mayne? No. Mark Costanzo? Sharon Costanzo.

Ooh, married couple!

Congratulations, Lynn!

You did it! Len is a, oh no, guys, look what we accidentally did.

What?

Len is a Canadian alternative rock duo. No! We've pissed off Canada, our 51st state, as of two days ago.

Oh God, Jesus. A year from now, we will have a whole episode dedicated to the song Steal Your Sunshine. Steal my sunshine. Steal the sunshine. No. Steal your sunshine.

Steal my sunshine. Steal your sunshine. Stop the steal, Erin. As of two days ago.

Steal your sunshine.

We stopped to steal my sunshine.

Okay, these are from Jason. Oh, real quick.

So, sorry. This is actually important. The two members of the band with the last name Costanzo are brother and sister. So, I just want to make that clear.

But they're married. Oh, that's even worse that they're married.

Sorry, they are married. They're just brother and sister.

Erin, please. I thought you said that Lin was a duo.

Who are these brother and sister? Sorry, I looked up the White Stripes. Is that not Lin? The White Stripes?

And these riddles are from Jason. Jason gives us a little thank you at the beginning of the email. Due to the state of well, gestures vaguely at America, I have found myself in dire need of belly laughs and your riddles and pussies have been a profound antidote. So thank you for that. So here are some warm up riddles. The riddle is derived of a name and a short description. The solution is the name of a famous musician.

Oh fuck.

These will become very clear.

I hope it's not Lynn.

And guess what? They're all Lynn, idiot. And now we're stuck in a riddle without a paddle. OK? They're in a riddle without a paddle. Dave delivers his signature devastating insult.

OK. So this is a famous band.

Or musician.

Dave delivers His signature scathing insult.

Devastating insult.

Devastating insult. So Dave Chappell, Chappell Rowan?

No, so Dave, think you're doing too much work.

Okay.

Do less work.

Okay.

What's another way, what could Dave be short for?

Erin, while we're doing less work, Mark Costanzo, half of Lynn, he has another name. He goes by another name. I don't know where he goes by this other name, but on Wikipedia, they said that he goes by another name, and that is Burger Pimp.

I think, what if we gave up Googling this year?

Burger Pimp.

We really have been hot on the Google this last couple years. We Google a lot during this. What if we gave it up?

Oh, please. Very quickly, I was just going to say, it wouldn't be fair for me to make this big ban on Len on this podcast and not do anything for Magic Tavern. So I'm just going to go ahead and say it. For Magic Tavern in 2025, Officially, Arnie fell into a portal behind a burger pimp into a magical land, etc, etc.

You have to run that shit by them. I've heard them say that to you before. Matt and Arnie are like, you've got to start running shit by us too.

That's good.

I thought you were going to say that you would ban the burger pimp from the podcast. And I was like, looking at my email, like, I guess I have to come up with a whole new character for next week. I can't come on as the burger pimp. Surprise, JPCs. The fastest cut character in the history of Magic Tavern. They cut the episode two minutes into me talking. They were like, oh no, we can't air this. You cannot be the burger boy.

When you give up something you're addicted to, you're not supposed to say you're going to give it up for a long period of time. So let's just say no one can Google anything while we're recording for the next month.

Can we use DuckDuckGo? I've been using DuckDuckGo. What?

We cannot look anything up. Can I tell you? We used to be an analog podcast.

We used to sit... A proper country.

A proper podcast. We used to sit all together in the same room. with our phones thrown across the room. And we used to look each other in the eye.

You were on your phone a lot.

No, I wasn't. I wasn't. If I was an old man puzzles, of course, that's where my riddles were. But we were laughing. We were together. We weren't Googling things. We had to guess. We had to lie if we didn't know something. Let's go back to the good old days.

There was a tangible joy to being in the same room with each other. And I think, JPC, you can speak for yourself. But I think I speak for all of us when I say the best part was when the three of us recorded in the same room. The smell? The smell. At any millisecond, in the middle of a word, at the end of a sentence, Erin could pop up and say, I have to go to the bathroom.

Erin, how do you remember that?

Your bladder control while you're at home is like way better. What is your secret? I see you drinking liquids, so I know that you're putting them in. You're always peeing?

I think I'm way less hydrated than I was.

Oh no, don't tell me that. I don't like to hear that.

Yeah, I'm just like less okay than I was when we were recording in person.

Can I tell you something?

What?

I've been trying to pee less. Smart.

What were we doing? Okay, Dave delivers.

Because here's the thing. Here's the thing. When you're at home all the time, you can pee whenever you want. So it's like, I can just be like, oh, I kind of have to pee. I'll pee. But if you pee all the time, your bladder shrinks, and then you can't hold a lot of pee inside. Or poison. And I need to hold the pee inside for some other stuff that I don't need to do.

I've lost control of the room. I've lost control of the room. Let's do it.

Erin, if I may. Oh, that was Michelle Yeoh in Wicked when she claps twice for the monkeys to pay attention.

Wait, are we the monkeys? Did the monkeys pay attention? Did the monkeys pay attention?

Fuck, JPC, okay.

I'm gonna try it again.

Okay.

Silence!

Hey, hey, we're the monkeys. We're paying attention to Erin.

Dave delivers his signature devastating insult.

Dave's not here, man.

I'm David Byrne. Oh, that's him.

I would like to announce I now understand how to do this.

Okay, thank you. I think we should bring those back this year as formal announcements in the middle of the pod.

Oh, okay.

I saw Stop Making Sense in a theater recently. They showed it on the big screen and it was so good. I had never seen it.

I saw it live and it was a religious experience. It was amazing.

So cool.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't that wasn't stopping a sense. It was whatever American utopia.

Yeah jealous jealous I was gonna say stop making sense

Frederick can indicate the temperature.

Right set Fred. I am, yes.

Okay, he got there. He got there. So, you are the lead singer of Right Said Fred, and Erin, you've called an HVAC person because your heat is not working in your house, and Adal, you are the lead singer of Right Said Fred who is there to work on the HVAC.

Sorry, I'm the HVAC employee coming to her house.

Yes, yeah. But you are, I don't know the man's name, I'm just going to call him Right Said Fred.

I'm sure it's Fred.

Thank you so much for coming. It is freezing in here. Sorry, I'm wearing gloves and a hat.

I'm here to help. I'm here to help your temp. To help your temp.

Sorry, are you a singing telegram? This might be the wrong house. Our heat has been out for three weeks.

I'm here to HVAC. I'm here to HVAC. So HVAC it hurts.

Our cat died because of the lack of heat and we've been calling.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. So sorry. It hurts.

I... Okay, you know what? Come on in. You're nervous. I'm nervous. I'm freezing.

I should take off my shoes?

No.

Should take off my shoes?

No.

Shoes. It hurts?

What hurts? What hurts, sir?

Do. Do has to.

At this point, have you guys seen Nosferatu?

I'm

After doing Duhast, I was going to do Nosferatu, or Count Warlock, because, speaking of Olaf, because he, the whole time he talks like this, he says, you are my love.

And it's Gad?

It's what?

It's Gad?

It's Gad. No, it's Pennywise's brother.

No, it's just Pennywise.

It's Pennywise. No, no, no. It's Pennywise's brother, right?

No, it's Pennywise. It's Bill Skarsgård, right? It's the littlest one. We can't Google!

I thought Bill was the one from... No, that's Alexander Skarsgård.

The littlest Skarsgård is still, what, like seven feet tall?

Yes, I guess I mean the youngest Skarsgård, but you know what, Adal, let's just call you right, because again, we can't Google for the next month.

No, I prefer not to Google. Okay, so I think also, I think also he's the tallest too. He's, he's like, he's like born to play monsters because of how tall he is.

You're making it hard to not Google JPC in this kind of talk. I'd actually like to see a scene.

No, no, no.

You two are guys who work in an office and JPC, you just discovered that you can always sort of indicate the temperature and you're informing Adal about it.

So are you using the copy machine?

Coffee or copy? Because I'm using both. And no, before you ask, I'm not doing what you think I'm doing. I'm not trying to copy my coffee.

It looks like you're copying the copy.

Oh shit. Okay. Yeah. Shit. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. No. Hey, lucky nothing spilled. No, I'm making copies and I just made a coffee and I, yeah, I did that thing where I was like, I switched it in my brain and I went, well, thank you for being on the lookout. Yeah. Rob Schneider, big fan of his stuff nowadays. Hey, is it? Welcome

Sorry, this is just... Are you... No, that's impossible. You're not an X-Man or something. Oh shit, that's... That's 102! What's 102?

That's 102! That's too hot!

That can't possibly be... Pulls out turkey thermometer.

102?

That's too hot. Am I wrong? That's too hot.

On the nose 102!

Tad!

Hey Tad, nice to see you back in the office after you got struck by lightning. Looking good, pal.

Hair's insane, but looking good.

I can't comb it. No, it will. It's just that thing if I touch a comb to it, the comb, I think it gets charged with the lightning and it shoots out of my hand. Okay. Combs can move fast when they get charged by lightning.

It's like Gambit.

What's that?

I'm saying it's like Gambit.

In what way?

He would charge like a playing cards or like a comb with kinetic energy and then whip it and it'd fly real fast and explode.

Who is this? I'm sorry, I'm so not familiar with what you're talking about.

This is what I'm talking about. You should be an X-Men. You're like Temperature Man or like Therma- Thermas- Therma-Tad- Tadastar.

Dad, who are you talking to?

Shh, don't tell her.

Don't tell her.

I'll go away if you tell her. I'll disappear and I'll never come back.

I'm talking to Rick and you. You and Rick from- Shh, don't mention me.

Rick died like three years ago. What are you talking about? Is there a new Rick that works here?

Is there a new Rick? Okay, Samuel prepares a delicious meal. You got this one.

Sam cook. Yes. Nat has 10,000 of those. Sorry, who does? 10,000 Maniacs.

Nat. N-A-T.

Nat King Cole. Nat. Natalie Imbruglia. Nathan for you. Nathan.

Natalie.

Natalie. Merchant.

Yes. Pete will give you a dollar.

Peter spends. Peter Cash. Johnny Cash. Peter.

Peter.

Paul and Spendy. Gave real.

Hold on. Peter, Paul, and Spendy. Peter, Paul, and Spendy. Peter, Paul, and Spendy. Peter, Paul, and Spendy. He said Peter, Paul, and Spendy. And I almost moved on from it. It's Peter, Paul, and Spendy.

That feels like their like producer knows that like Mary like spit like way more of their money and he's like Oh, look who it is, Peter, Paul, and Spendy. I have a gambling problem.

I'm working on it.

Peter and Paul are like, hmm, hmm, like harmonizing. And then Spendy's like, the budget's gone. It's all gone. We have to leave the studio. We can't afford this.

Puff the magic dragon. I lost all of our money last night. I bet it all on black. We don't have enough money to leave Vegas.

All their songs are about getting their legs broke.

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.

I sold the hammer. I sold the hammer. I sold the hammer. So this is Pete, Peter?

Wait, what was the... Peter will give you a dollar.

Peter will give you a dollar. Peter will give you a dollar. Pete, you don't know.

Pete owe you. Pete, I owe you.

No, what's another way of saying dollar specifically?

Buck. Pete Buck.

Yes.

Wait, hold on. Pete Buck?

Pete-er Buck.

Peter Buck.

Am I missing something? I don't know who the fuck Peter Buck is. Is that a musician?

Casey! He's the guy from R.E.M., isn't he?

Peter Buck.

Is he a guy from R.E.M.? He might be THE guy from R.E.M.

Michael Stipe's THE guy. Michael Stipe's the guy from R.E.M. And number two's Michael Shannon.

Casey, can you Google it?

As editor of this show, I cannot enable you by Googling things for you. Oh my God, David! Wow, Casey taking a stand.

Tough, but fair.

I looked it up earlier and he's in REM.

Okay, if he's in REM... Maybe. He's gotta be like the third guy from REM. Maybe. He cannot be one of the names.

Again, we can't Google for a whole month.

We can't know. We can't know.

You guys, I'm addicted to Googling. I'm Spendy. I'm Spendy. It's me. I'm Spendy.

Searchy, Peter, Paul, and Searchy.

I'm Searchy, Peter, Paul, and Searchy. Okay, Steven stops to think for a moment. I like this one.

You know what it is, though? It's a defense mechanism. Because we started Googling things, because we used to not Google things, and then an episode would be out, and then for the rest of time, when someone would listen to that episode from 2019, they'd say, it's actually supposedly. And we'd be like, if we had just Googled it, we would have known. We would have known, but we didn't.

And also, The Secret of Dim was a Disney movie, and actually, I don't know, man. I'm tired.

That's so true. I thought you said so we wouldn't have to look each other in the eye.

You know what? So I think that this is good. I think that I've come all the way around on it. In 2025, we don't look anything up, and we just say, fuck it.

Just for the first month.

We'll get around.

Let's start with a month, and if we can get through the month, then we'll keep it going.

No, we'll push it. Let's just make it a new rule on the show. We can't look anything up. That's a nightmare. We know what we know. What about riddles? What about riddles? Oh yeah, we still look those up, baby. I've been cheating since 2018.

Steven stops to think for a moment.

Steven stills. Steven stills. Becomes still. Steven becomes still. Erin has my mic on. Steven becomes still.

Steven stops and thinks for a moment. Steve ponders.

Steve ponder is so close.

Pondering Poy. Pondering Poy Dog.

It's not Steven and it's not Steve, so what's another one?

It's not Steve and it's not Steve.

There's another way. It's like a little bit longer than Steve.

Steve-o.

Stevie. Yep. Stevie Rinney. Waits. Stevie Nicks. Stevie. Stevie. Wonders?

Wonders. Stevie Wonder.

Wow.

Steve Ponders is a Stevie Wonder's cover band.

Charles's favorite fruit snack?

Chuck Berry.

I'm actually going to go back and we're going to see a scene. Adal, you're a guy named Pete and you're lending JPC money for the last time. This is his last straw.

All right. Here you go. This is $8,000 cash, and I want you to know, I expect it paid in full in 30 days, and this is the last time.

And please, just whatever you do, don't tell my sister, because I thank you for letting me meet you at your job, but this is the last time. I just don't need it to hear from her. Well, she's in the kitchen, of course.

You're my brother-in-law, I'd do anything for you, but this ends now. So, I guess, I'd do anything for you up until just now, and now there's a limit.

Is it 30 calendar days to pay you back?

She's coming, she's coming, she's coming.

Hey, Carol. No, I won't suck your dick.

Whoa, what's happening?

Carol, your husband just gave me $8,000 to suck his dick.

Oh my god, did you?

No, sweetie, what are you- Strike three. I've done this two times before. I did this two times before.

Strike three. Sweetie, come on, give me... Strike three.

No, ball three, ball three, ball three.

No, no.

Full count, make it a full count, ball four.

Absolutely disgusting, the innuendo in that. Disgusting.

Kick him out.

Strike three. It's the third time he's done this. He said it was an accident. This time it was clearly on purpose.

No, your brother, he's borrowing money. I would never borrow money. Then give the $8,000 back.

I earned this.

You sucked his dick?

I already did, a little bit.

Oh my god! You both are just as bad as each other. Why are you mad at me? You sucked his dick for $8,000. My husband. My own brother.

That's my job.

I know, I know.

My job is to do that. Here's the crazy thing. I don't even know if $8,000 is a deal or not. I don't know the going rate.

Yeah, right. You don't know the going rate, Mr. Strike 3. You don't know the going rate.

You know what? Here's what I'll do. I'll take half. That's fair. I'll take half.

And I'll take the other half. That's fair.

And she'll take the other half. That's fair. What? Pete. Pete. Get out of here, Pete. Why don't you go and think about this? Strike 3, Pete. Strike 3, Pete. Go to the other room and think about this. Okay, how many more times do you think we could do this?

Three?

The Costanzo siblings!

Well, on that note, on that blowjob note.

We can't do the Costanzo siblings. Not for the whole year. We can't do that.

Oh no. How about that's the last blowjob scene we ever do?

Before break?

On the podcast. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means either. Alright, we're going to go on a break and I'm going to sort of reset. This is my new favorite episode.

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. Oh, okay. Remember how I told you that my spending was out of control and I needed to really hone down on where I was putting my money? Pocket funny.

Bread money. Socket punny.

You won't guess it until I start- I mean, Adal was close. You won't guess it until I start telling you what advice I followed that was the advice that you told me to follow.

Okay, okay.

So, I went to where all the bees live. Talk it, honey. Yeah, okay, you got it. He got it! He got it. Ladies and gentlemen... You okay? He got it.

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I know, we're back from break. He's doing Tom Waits. I was doing Tom Waits. I was doing Tom Waits. If anyone asks, if we get emails, I was doing Tom Waits.

Going down to the ice cream store to get a scoop of ice cream. Why would Cookie Monster go to an ice cream store? For cookies and cream. That makes sense.

For my birthday, or it might have been Christmas, I got this Jeopardy 2025 calendar. Should I...

Erin, I have the same one. I got it for Christmas.

Should I do the first day?

Yes.

Of the year?

Yeah.

Adal, have you already done your first day of the year?

No, we looked to make sure that there wasn't like a few days tacked on before January 1st, but it starts January 1st. So I haven't started. I mean, I have started, of course, because it's January 22nd. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, good cover. Good cover. You're 22 days in at this point.

OK. Wait, no.

Erin, do you need a quick refresher on how calendars work? Oh, fuck, I can't Google. Oh, I'm gonna be useless here.

Something with the dates.

Mr. Policeman, I've given you all the clues.

Okay, Bradford Beach in this badger state hosts an annual polar bear plunge on January 1st with swimmers braving freezing cold waters.

Wisconsin.

Yes, but JPC for the steal saying it in the correct way.

Wisconsin.

Nope, it is What is Wisconsin?

Oh, I was confused as to what is correct.

We're gonna do these riddles, submittin', submittin'. That's not quite right.

Okay, Erin, what's going on in your personal life that suddenly you're so submittin'? Wow.

I am having a ton of sex. Put a balloon in my ass, it's a clown off.

Stop pressing the fake button.

I wish I had the button to do Adal's noise at one of his... That sounded exactly like it. Can you play the real one, JPC, for comparison? Head over to our Patreon if you don't know what we're talking about.

Yeah, I guess I could. I'd have to find it. That's actually great to have it in stereo.

That's the new Carol of the Bells. Adal, I want you to do six more harmonies for that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

What? Did you say green of girth? I thought you said queen of girth.

I said green. I'm going to read more riddles. Fat red man, hanging by one hand, sways in the wind that blows on the land.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you skip whatever that last one was or is this all part of it?

Eye but no head, skin but no hand, flesh but no bones, children she has none until she's dead and gone.

So it's a woman. It's a woman we need to kill.

White at dawn, green at noon, red at vespers, brown in death.

Red at vespers? Matthew Broderick writes a vesper.

Sniff her in April, bite her in September. Come Father Frost, and we will sip her in December.

Damn, that's a turn.

It's a woman we have to kill.

Is this one riddle? I'm so fucking confused.

It's technically five riddles.

Yeah!

I felt that it was fun.

It's all one answer?

Perhaps.

Is it Mrs. Claus?

It is not Mrs. Claus.

Is it like Frost or Dew or like Time or Eggs?

Is it like Apple? Apple. Tell me all of that wasn't just Apple. Tell me I didn't just have to listen to all of that and that it's Apple.

It's Apple. Thank you, Kaitlin T. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That was Kate and Clark. Thank you, Kate and Clark. Can you re-read them? Because I need to figure out what the fuck is going on. It's like a whole novel.

You got it right. What do you mean you want me to re-read them? You got it from the context.

The only part that I knew was apple was the very end of it. I was like, that's apple. But what was the other part? So Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter.

There's five different riddles here.

Okay. Do the first one.

Green of girth and hair but one, brown and frost and red and sun.

So what's going on there?

That's Apple. That red man hanging by one hand sways in the wind that blows on the land. Apple. Eye but no head, skin but no hands, flesh but no bones, children she has none until she's dead and gone. White at dawn, green at noon, red at vespers, brown in death. Apple. Sniff her in April, bite her in September, come Father Frost, and we will. Sip her in December.

Oh cider.

Yes Adolescent question that we have to address Do apples have eyes and we can't Google and we have to move on Erin.

You're the apple of my eye

Thank you, Erin, but I'm asking a good question.

No, that's funny. Okay. I am going to pose a challenge to you two professional improvisers and podcasters. Since we did five riddles about apples, I want to see five different scenes about apples. Okay? JBC, you can go first, and you can call for a scene of me and Adal, and then we're going to go around.

Okay. I thought Adal and I had to just do quick five apple seeds really quickly. Okay.

That's funnier, actually. Hold still, son.

Twang. Right in the neck. Next scene. Scene.

No, no.

That was Johnny Appleseed.

No. Adal, don't burn through these. Don't burn through these, weirdo.

Johnny Appleseed wasn't shooting apples on him. Don't.

Stop burning it.

I thought he was planting them. We're going to run out of apple seeds.

William Tell planted seeds.

Okay. Or do you want to just you two do five Apple scenes?

Yeah, we already did one.

No, that's not long enough. They all have to be at least a minute long.

Erin, I'm going to go first. Erin, you're in. I want you to be in them.

No, I'm not going to be in them. You two are doing them. You have to come up with them on your own because you guys got fresh with me. Okay. I will call a scene for each of them. Whenever you're ready. And first scene about Apple, go.

At JPC, maybe we're like two apples? Sure. Hey.

Hey man, ooh.

Me too, me too, me too.

No, you're pretty ripe.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sorry man, you're pretty ripe.

Yeah, well, they're turning me into a pie. I doubt that.

You might be overripe.

They put me in the trash in the compost actually because they want to turn me into pie.

Yeah, I think they put you in the trash because you're like... Jealous? Jealous mush? No, I don't know. Jealous mush? Nah, I'm fresh. You look like jealous mush.

Look, soft spot, soft spot, soft spot.

It's all soft spots. No. It's soft. No. I would just say it's soft.

No, some people have it and some don't. So, you're like a Granny Smith or you're like bitter or sour or whatever.

I'm a golden delicious. What do you mean a Granny Smith? I'm a golden delicious.

And Seaton.

Seaton. Sorry, you kind of called it at the 58 second mark. And next, Appleseed.

Okay, we're two guys in an apple pie eating contest.

No, I don't want to do that.

Yeah, me neither. I don't want to eat any apple pie. Okay, what if we're two guys at a hot dog eating contest, but we're both named Apple?

Yes.

Great.

I hate you.

Sorry, which apple were you talking to? Yeah, you said apple is disqualified. Which apple? We're both named Apple.

And we're... The one putting the hot dog in the wrong hole.

We're both sitting on hot dogs. We're both sitting on hot dogs.

But one is also eating them with his... If you continue to eat from your mouth, you can keep going.

Our mouth and? Or just our mouth? Can we do our mouth and?

Hey Riddle

Maybe they're going to retire New Jersey, basically.

You're wasting so many hot dogs putting them up your back. New?

New Jersey? They're going to retire New Jersey? We're from New Jersey. The Apple State.

Okay, next scene about apples. It has to be about apples this time or you're going to have to do another scene at the end.

Okay. JBC, you're Chris Martin. I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. We just had a baby. Got it.

What should we name this one?

Oh, I think I should name this baby.

Don't owe us songs.

It's just, they just come to me.

Grin, they just come to me. I mean, anyone can just start singing. What? What do you mean? Oh, look around the room. There's a poster on the wall. Anyone can just start singing.

How's she doing this? Witch! My wife's a witch! Divorce! We should get a divorce. This is the moment. This is the moment where it happens.

I should have told you you were bad at songs a long time ago.

15 more seconds.

First of all, I'm not bad at songs. All my songs are hits. Name the rest of your band members.

I'll wait. Name two movies you've been in. I'll wait. I think Spider-Man and I think Iron Man. You don't think that.

You don't think Spider-Man. You know Iron Man. Sliding doors much?

Don't think Spider-Man. All right, gentlemen, we're sort of far afield. Let's get back on the Apple track. Two more scenes, please.

Okay, um, we are, uh, we're both gonna be guys who are at one of those, like, uh, Steve Jobs keynote speeches.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not really impressed. Yeah, right? Like, stainless steel again?

Yeah.

I guess it's like... Make a watch out of something else.

Yeah, seriously. Or like, don't even do like a watch. Don't do a phone. Don't do a watch.

Gentlemen, your microphones are on. Uh, welcome!

Oh shit, we've been here for 45 minutes. Welcome makes no sense.

Oh, he means, well, and come.

Welcome. Well, come, because we're making dildos now. Put it up on the screen. Michael, put it up on the screen. Put it up on the screen. Hurry, just make it fast. The eye fuck. Apple, the eye fuck. You know, I mean, I fuck is a term we use when you stare at someone, but now... You stare at someone from across the bar.

I like your vibe. And we do, I fuck you. Yes.

I fuck you.

But what if you could, I fuck you, someone. What if I fuck, what if you could, what if you could fuck me?

All right, one more apple scene, please. And please have it be about apples.

What if we're two guys drinking apple juice on a summer's day?

Ooh, that was good apple juice. I was parched.

Yeah, it was very good. Very good.

Now, back to what we were saying. The iFuck is a way to revolutionize sex and technology as we know it.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it checks your heart rate.

Well, I know what we're all thinking. Yeah. And it checks your heart rate. I notice you're all thinking, why does it look like a phone? Because it is a phone, but it's so much more. Aha. It is a phone. Basically, it's a dildo that's a phone.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Will this suddenly call someone I don't want it to call in the middle of what I'm doing? Absolutely it will.

And scene. And a bonus Apple scene because that was bullshit.

I know what you're thinking. Won't the iPhone get really dirty if it's put inside of you? Uh oh. I guess maybe.

That's why you buy a new one.

Alright, I'm stepping in here.

What?

Erin. Okay, so I'm gonna start a new Apple scene. JPC, you and I, we're a couple, we're apple picking for our first one-year anniversary. Okay.

Got it. And JPC, you have the iFuck in your ass.

I was gonna! You're stepping on my joke! You're stepping on my fucking joke! It's my joke! I was gonna joke about there being an ifuck inside him.

I am the joke now. I am the joke now. We were all gonna joke about the ifuck. It was too close.

It was gonna be a mad jazz to the ifuck being inside of someone. Everyone wanted to do it. I was trying to prove that I'm a fun mom here on the pod.

We all wanted to control the ifuck inside JPC's ass, okay? But not all of us can. Well, actually, wait, I can share this app.

Casey, you're too late. We already made an ifuck joke. Casey started typing and then stopped talking.

That's for the best. That's for the best. All right, Erin, can we do another riddle?

This is Professor Stapes all over again. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, I guess we can do another one. These are from Max. Or this one is from Max. Okay. I'm pissed.

Erin.

No, I'm mad. Fix it.

How do we fix Erin?

Please the Queen. Let's set up, we gotta set up Erin to like really soar. So let's do a scene where she's like, she's like in charge.

Erin's wheelhouse.

Erin's wheelhouse.

Yes. Erin, can we see one more scene?

Fine.

Okay.

So Erin, this is a musical where you sing songs you're comfortable singing off the top of your head, and we applaud you while telling you how great you look.

Great. I'm sorry our leading lady will not be at tonight's performance because she had an accident earlier with an eye fuck. Sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that part out loud. See? She was supposed to think it.

Predictive sex.

I separate, it wasn't as fun as it would have been in the Apple scene. It's fine. I'm mad, but I'm okay.

Okay.

I'm pissed, but I'm moving forward.

Interesting. I thought you said less pissed this year.

I'm disappointed.

Yeah.

But it's all going to work out.

Okay, good. And Erin, I'm sorry, and I'm sorry.

I know you're sorry. Adal, I always know you're sorry. Your baseline is sorry. Your stasis is sorry. I'm always sorry.

That's my secret cap. I'm always sorry.

GPC has never been sorry, and that's why we're kind of a perfect balance. Okay. GPC, have you ever been sorry?

I got a text from my old high school, and they're looking for money.

JPC's on his phone.

Good luck. Get him.

It's on Google. It's not Google.

It's not Google. And I'm still technically... If this episode is any indication, we don't usually record in the evenings, and I am still on emergency dad duty, so I do have to... I'm kind of glued to my phone for the next hour in case there's something that I absolutely need to handle.

I get it. I get it.

Isn't glued to your phone the IFuck tagline?

Yeah, but glue is in quotes. As someone who's having no sex, I hate this.

I'm beginning to think that I'm not even going to buy an iFuck.

Oh no, you don't mean that.

If a list of gifts would be, I'm not going to say no. Refurbished?

People are not going to send you a $1,200 iFuck. Maybe a knockoff. Maybe a Microsoft fuck.

Oh, if you're thinking about sending me a knockoff iFuck. Asteroid? No.

No, that's nothing. That's already an item. That's an item in space.

I separate what's independent, but I am myself, split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hid in shame. What am I? Well, I think you can use it, but just not during, like, rush hour.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Yes, thank you. Because some of the trains are mostly empty.

If I can't hear Chris Tucker utter his memorable lines, then I should just leave the theater.

Do you guys have any, like, classic Chicago train stories of crazy stuff that happened on the train in Chicago?

I mean, I've seen, from riding the trains in the winter for years, I've seen a fair amount of people pooping on trains. But one of my favorites that doesn't involve absolute like abject human misery is, you've probably had an experience like this, I got on a train, I think it was a red line train, and as I got on it, I saw something. Today we're And I was like, oh, okay. And so I, I usually, I never really sat on the trains. Um, I would always stand. And so I just walked in and like stood in that train and it didn't smell weird, but everybody, everybody is so attuned to see anything I miss in a train and being like, I'm not doing this one. I'm not doing this one. But it was nice to ride in an empty car that someone had spilled the milkshake in if you were to believe that man.

Yeah, that's pretty peaceful. Uh, it's milkshake. Adal?

In a similar vein, I was on the red line with a friend, and we were in the car, and there was a puddle of piss. And as the car was going, it was like slowly sort of making its way towards us, sort of pooling and creeping down the aisle there. So we're like, let's switch cars. And we got off at the next stop and went to the one car up and went in. And as we got in, there was puke everywhere on the floor. And we just kind of looked at each other and shrugged and then just grabbed the railing and waited for our stop. Because, I mean, that's better than piss.

Is it? Is it?

I think so.

Wow.

Interesting. Okay.

I learned something new about my friend Adal and his hierarchy of bodily functions.

I'd rather puke my pants than piss my pants, is what I'll say.

I think I told my train story on the show before, but when I was running late, I was like so late for something, and I was getting on at the Addison Redline stuff.

Oh, that's right. And then that guy said, hey, soul sister, don't you think you've missed it?

Yes, exactly. That's exactly what happened. No train references till 2026. What? What can we do on the show anymore? At the Addison Red Line, you have to run upstairs to catch the train. And I was running up the stairs and I reached into my purse and I had a long wallet, like one of those envelope wallets. And I had this brilliant idea because I heard the train coming and I heard the doors open when I was at the bottom of the stairs. So I sprinted up the stairs and I went, I'm going to make my arm longer and extend it using my wallet to be able to stop the train car door.

Smart.

But what happened was I got up there, and I ended up just tossing my wallet onto the train, and the door of the car closes, and my eyes are wide. I'm in disbelief of how stupid I am, and everyone on the train is looking at me about how stupid I am, and I watch my wallet go away. And then I have to do the mental math of, what do I do?

The reverse mugging. You've been reverse mugged.

I got reversed.

I reverse mugged myself.

And I saw so many people see it happen that I went, I think I know what to do. I got on the next train, got off at Belmont, and there was a woman standing there with my wallet, dying laughing, and she said, what the hell happened? And I went, I don't know. It's the dumbest thing I ever did. You could tell at every dinner party for the rest of your life. And she went, We talked about it the whole way. Everyone was in disbelief. No one could figure out.

First people were scared that it was like a bomb or something, but then they saw my whole vibe and they were like- Yeah, generally if someone throws an object into a train, they think maybe that's not- it's like a bomb or something like that.

But they saw my face, my regret, and they were like, no, that lady did not mean to do that. I separate what's independent, but am myself split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hid in shame. What am I? And this is talking about multiple meanings of the same word.

It's like a homonym.

Yeah, but it contains an extra letter.

Is this like a trial separation?

Mmm.

Is it a vote? You don't want to tell anybody about it. You're not officially separated.

You okay, buddy?

As far as the world is concerned, I'm golden, baby. Can you read it one more time? Yeah.

Yes. I separate what's independent, but am myself split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hidden shame. What am I?

What part is going to help us the most?

That's a good question. I think probably I appear when an excuse is needed.

Is this piss or shit?

No. It's a barf. But often when I'm hit in shame is one of the meanings of the word and you're kind of on the right track. I appear when excuse is needed.

I'm

Butt. My butt. It's your butt.

Independent clauses can be separated by a butt. When people need an excuse, they say butt, butt, butt. Often people can hide their butts. Often people hide their butts in public. The word butt appears at the beginning of two lines, ya dummies.

That makes sense. That makes a ton of sense. Yeah.

Butt, butt, butt. Butt, butt, butt. Thank you, Max. And Casey, if we have a moment of your time, please, can we get a voicemail theme and then voicemail?

We're back with another mother-lovin' hot track for the Best Fritty Podcast on the frickin' planet, and here's how it works. I write a nitty-bitty verse to a beat that slaps so hard it hurts god damn, and I rap this rap, I top it with a bow. Then I send it in to help wrap up your favorite show so, and Ritty, it's Colin with a question. They get their own 30-second badass introduction.

I say keep it short, and so I will, but still, Who do we got on the phone?

Wow.

Cool. Oh my god.

That was another banger from Jessie Bloodgood. Thank you Jessie for sending that in.

Bloodgood. That's sick.

I'd say Bloodgreat. Bloodgood. If you want to send in a voicemail submission, which I think we need some more of them, keep them for the 30 seconds or less and send them to hrpodcast at gmail.com. A WAV file is great. Kaisa, let's hear her voicemail.

Hey Adal, Erin, JP, Steve. This is Shannon from Georgia. First time, long time. I need some advice. I agreed to be my cousin's maid of honor for her wedding earlier this year and my sister's upcoming wedding. Needless to say, I'm very tired between my duties for both. So, should I use a speech for my sister's wedding as the same as my cousin's wedding and just change the name? It's a good speech and over half the people wouldn't have heard it. Anyway, love the podcast. Thanks a million.

I love, over half will not have heard it. That's like, well half will obviously know what's going on, but surely they won't say anything. That's too big a margin. If it was like three people would know, I think you could do it. If it's half the wedding will know, I think you have to not do it.

I say do it, don't change the name.

I say leave the name, like Erin said, but change all the specifics.

I think depending on I hope your sister's wedding is first. I forget what you said was first. I hope it's your sister's because you want to put more time and effort into your sister's. But I think I think that joke is correct in terms of I think you lean into it and you go many of you over half will know that I was just made of honor for my sister. Now, I would never reuse the same speech, but I would repurpose it. And then you do almost like a Mad Lib style thing. Yes. Of like, you've been the best cousin. That's funny. Whatever that is.

Yes.

You slot in words, and I think that's both funny, you're leaning into it and owning it, and I think all parties are enjoying it versus anyone getting mad.

I have a brilliant idea. Work smarter, not harder. You go to each of them, each of the brides, and you say, hey, can you write me an example of a perfect maid of honor speech that you would love to hear at your wedding? And they go, of course. They write it. You use the one they wrote for the other wedding.

Boom. Bang.

Done.

Here's what I think you do, and we actually hinted at this a little earlier in the episode. You got Cousin's Wedding first, and then you got Sister's Wedding. You write a killer speech for the Cousin's Wedding. Show up to the Sister's Wedding, but when you show up, make sure that your hair is all fucked up and crazy, and then as you get there, say, I just got hit by lightning. You'll never believe this, I just got hit by lightning. Start spreading that around the wedding so that by the time you give the same speech that you gave for your cousin, changing absolutely nothing, everyone's like, she got hit by lightning. She got hit by lightning.

People love when you grab attention away from them on their wedding day, famously.

But before you go out to give the speech, set the thermostat at like 72, and then when you go on stage, go, what is it, like 72 degrees in here? Have everybody check. Say, check your phones.

And then give them both an eye fuck. Okay. Thank you so much for sending in the voicemail and the voicemail theme. I'm a fun mom on the pod. Okay. Adal, do you have anything to plug? And be honest.

I am. I am being honest. One of my favorite videos of all time is there's like a news anchor that gets handed like a caiman, which is like a little alligator. And the zoo handler is like, hold it tight. And he goes, I am. I am. But it's wriggling out of his hands and about to get free. And the guy keeps going, hold it tight. And he goes, I am. It brings tears to my eyes every time. I want to plug, what was his name? Jack Bloodgood? What was his name? Jesse Bloodgood. Jesse Bloodgood. And also Jack Bloodgood. Here's what I want to say. I almost feel like we just do a whole episode of Jesse Bloodgood song.

I'm in. Bloodgood, you win.

I like this so much. Does Jesse have a Spotify account? I can't Google!

I'll tell you what. If you don't have Spotify Premium, Jesse, we'll pay for it for one month on us. That's a $10 value. Okay. We'll get, we'll raise some money, we'll get Jessie Bloodgood a Spotify premium account.

Yeah, I want to plug Jessie Bloodgood. Google, on your own time, Jessie Bloodgood. Support their music, and I will as well. I'm very, I'm just thrilled by their output. Erin, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Check out Quality Time on Instagram. It's the monthly show I host in Los Angeles at the Lyric Theater. The Christmas one went so well and was so fun. And I'm really excited for the, when this comes out, the January one will already come out, but the Valentine's Day one will be on the horizon. So check it out and come hang out. JPC, any review to read or anything to plug?

I do want to plug something. If you're listening to this and you say, hey, I enjoy the free podcast, you might enjoy the subscriber-only feed. And in the new year, we have yearly subscriptions that you can buy. I think they're at a little bit of a discount, too. So if you want to listen to the show or if you already listen to the Patreon and you want to change it up so that you pay yearly. I think that's useful especially for people in not the United States who are paying like foreign transaction fees when they convert their money or whatever. You can do that at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle. I get a bonus episode every week and it's pretty fun over there. And then you can always come and see me or a delightful cast of Revellers at World News Tonight. It's at I-0730 on Saturday nights. And then I do have a review I want to read. This is from Zeke Rander. It says, JPC Reads, if you want to get a view featured on the show, obviously. Write us a 5 star review, I'll find it. This one says... Well, you got trouble my friend. Right here I say, trouble right in Riddle City. Why sure, I'm a billiard player, certainly mighty proud I say. I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden. Help you cultivate horse sense and a cool head and a keen eye. Did you ever take a try to find an iron-clad lead for yourself from a three-rail billiard shot? But just as I say, it takes judgment, brains, and maturity to score in a bulk-like game. I say that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket, and I call that sloth the first big step on the road to the depth of a degrade. I say, first, medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle.

This is just like who framed Roger Rabbit when Judge Doom is going around and doing shave and a haircut and Roger Rabbit is behind the wall shaking and vibrating because he has to finish it. Erin, you were Absolutely losing your mind.

I threw up. I threw up. You sure you didn't pass?

Erin, I'm looking at my vinyl collection and I see that there's an album by Peter, Paul, and Spendy called Finances on... Jupiter!

Oh! Peter, Paul, and Spendy! I forgot that that was this episode too. That was my favorite part of the episode, with Peter, Paul, and Spendy. Have a good night everybody. John Patrick Coan.

Have a good night. Peter, Paul, and Spendy!

Hey there, chatters and boxes, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We're answering some of your questions from the Discord on our ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chatterbox. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast.