Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Okay, so I thought that maybe we could like... And it's not... We're not leeching off of anything else. You know, we're being inspired, certainly, by other things, but we're creating something for ourselves. And it can't be Costco, obviously, because that's covered. So is there like another store? And it could be any store. Just that the two of you could like agree on that we might, that might be like, that might have something there for us.

Sorry, you want us to do like the Costco review guys thing?

I don't want us to do anything!

Like the dad and the son.

I don't want us to do anything!

Double chunk chocolate cookie. But if we were going to do something. Okay.

And I guess I just have one big question from over here. From the Erin camp, we have one sort of big question.

You're the kid, I'm the dad.

Well, that was actually going to be my second question. Because I would maybe like to be the dad.

Okay, yeah, that's great.

Also, sometimes guys, the three of us play house. We all fight about who gets to be the baby, who gets to be the dad. Who gets to be Wilson. Yes.

The volleyball, right? Who gets to be Cuddy. Erin always wants to be Cuddy. Maybe somebody else can be Cuddy for once.

Who gets to be Hugh Laurie. David kind of likes that one.

Hugh Laurie, Cuddy, and Wilson. The three characters on it. What's your question?

My question is, and this is absolutely no judgment, and I love everything we do.

Oh, I love this. I love how this is not loaded.

This is not loaded at all. Do we think that this is going to be a relevant pop culture thing when this episode comes out? And I know we don't really care about that. We were making my wife jokes in 2019. Yeah.

But like... Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie.

Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie. So I'm wondering, but that's, and this is just me wondering out loud. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's scrap it. You guys want to do Hawk 2 again? Well, hold on.

Hold on. I thought we said we're going to leave that in 2024. I think we review like Trader Joe's stuff. Okay. So I think we do Costco guy, but it's Trader Joe's stuff. Stuff. Chocolate block full of tikka masala. Yeah. Yeah.

Sweet potato loaded gnocchi.

I had that last night.

It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. Advent calendar full of cat treats.

They have that at Trinity Joe's? Oh, yeah. Whoa.

Oh, Erin, please. Is that true? Oh, yeah. I can't keep saying it's true. It's true. Please. Why is no one believing me?

Casey, can you just check and make sure Adal's telling the truth about this cat advent calendar?

I'm checking. Do cats have religion? Is that really that hard to believe? Well, hold on. Advent calendars aren't religious, are they? They're just little doors to tomorrow.

Don't they stop on Christmas?

I mean, I guess so. We're back.

Jitly used. Jitly used advent calendar.

Casey, will you be the Jizzler? Will I be the Jizzler? It's like the Rizzler, but... Oh, you don't need to tell me, buddy.

You don't need to tell me. All right, you know what? Shut it down. Shut it down.

No, JPC, we love your fun, cool idea.

No, as soon as Casey got to be the Jizzler, which obviously was what I was angling for, we shut it all down.

I'm sorry.

No, we're just gonna do regular podcasts now. It's just gonna be Hey Riddle Riddle, I'm JPC, that's Adal, that's Erin, Casey will not be on mic. Oh man.

Just stroke your beard, Gisler. But we all had cool catchphrases that were like boom, but different. Oh yeah.

I think it's worth exploring those. Mine was boo.

Mine was ratatatatatat.

Mine was just like the opposite of boom, which is a cow going, MOOB. MOOB.

That's the opposite of boob! I know, but I don't like when you say it.

MOOB. I don't like that. We shouldn't directly say MOOB. It's man overboard. We don't want to.

What if cows added a B? What if cows all of a sudden just started adding a B to MOO? I'd like to see a scene.

JPC, you and Adal are cows in a field, and you're just sort of, it's business as usual, just a regular Tuesday, and Adal hears you add a B to your MOO and is a little concerned.

Graze, graze, graze. Good grass today. Good grass today. Graze, graze, graze, graze.

Kind of makes me want to... This is good grass. I like the tape. Did I? I don't think so. Moooob.

What is going... You spent two weeks grazing in the valley up north and suddenly you have an accent?

I don't... Do I have an accent? I mean, I don't... Moob? It kind of feels like I'm just... I'm doing what feels natural.

What's next? Cats say meowb? Horses say knabe?

They better fucking not. If I hear one horse say knabe, I'm knowing exactly where they got it. They got it from Scott. I think

My thing is that in four months, I'm going to be marching down that abattoir straight to getting a pin in my forehead.

Not me. They promised me I'm milk. Oh boy. They promised me I'll do milk.

Morning, boys.

Boys?

Uh-oh. Hey, buddy. Scott, want to go for a walk with me?

MOOB over all you other cows, I'm going on a farmer walk.

Absolutely perfect.

As a cow name specifically, but a cow who thinks they're going to be a milking cow, but then they realize, oh, I'm a bull. I'm going to die. Casey is still in the chat dropping review of Trader Joe's cat treat advent calendars. We'll go ahead and read this one. One out of five. Do not waste your money on this product. Very disappointing. Snacks aren't the same every day. Just in different shapes and my cat won't touch them because they are big and hard as rocks. I was commenting to my daughter that I was afraid that our cat might choke on them if she did try to eat them and we looked on the box and it's small print and it's recommended that they be broken up into small pieces. How? With a chainsaw?

I... I want to say something. I think this person doesn't have a cat. I think this person was eating my cat treats.

I think they're dipping their toes into fiction where they're like, how? With a chainsaw? Let me sit back and wait for the likes to roll in.

I do think that people love to show their personality, maybe unwittingly, in their reviews. And I know I only read five-star reviews on the show, and that's all that you should read for Hey Riddle Riddle, but one-star reviews do truly tell you the most information, but never about the thing that they're reviewing. They just tell you about, like, because you have to be pretty mad to write a one-star review, right? Hey everyone! But never will people read a review of a gas station and be like, yeah, sounds like this guy had a really bad experience with a candy bar here. Maybe we don't want to steer clear of this shell.

Are there any five-star reviews of gas stations?

I'm sure there's one.

Yeah, I mean, because civilization is done. We have reached, Fukuyama's the end of history. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to do but enjoy your miserable existence and write fives star reviews of gas stations.

It's funny to me of whenever people write reviews and complain about the bathroom of gas stations, where it's like, the only thing that's happening in those bathrooms is emergency shits. And everyone's partook in that. No one is innocent in this regard.

I wouldn't know what you're talking about.

If you had a job, let's say a thought experiment. You have a job and the job is to clean up bathrooms after people take emergency shits. What do you think that job deserves to be paid? Because for me, it's like six figures minimum. So if you're complaining that a bathroom at a gas station is disgusting, it's because that job that no one would do isn't being done because they're not paying someone to do it. Agreed.

You guys, I'm reading some 5-star reviews of gas stations and they're actually kind of warming my heart.

Oh.

These are lovely.

Great gas?

Pumped well? Or like what- Erin. Erin. How do you compliment a gas station? Are you in LA though? Are you searching for gas stations in LA?

Yeah.

Because this is just a town of aspiring writers. These are just the most insane, deranged people on the planet trying to get their screenplay out there. It's like, exterior gas station night.

Yeah, I was just about to say that! I was just about to say that! Oh my god! Exterior gas station night.

We open on a 22-year-old. Perky tits.

A very insert this person's real name type.

I want to start a podcast that's just improv based on comment sections of different things. If you guys want to be on it, you can, but you don't have to be.

Absolutely. Let's make it a Patreon.

Thanks for watching.

Hey Riddle

We're giving you one of those sweet, sweet Hey Riddle Riddle challenges. Send us a screenshot or tag us in a screenshot of a five-star review that you leave either a small business or a product online, and we want to see it end with how? With a chainsaw? Yeah, fit it in naturally. Most natural. I'll send a sticker to someone who does the most natural work in cannabis.

Your review has to end with those two parts. How? With a chainsaw, but fit it in naturally. Fit it in naturally. Work it in.

Work up to it.

Can I read one of these reviews?

Yes please, Erin.

I stopped by to purchase our office pool lottery tickets. The Binnie Mart is very clean and organized, but they do not carry many products. The cashier was very nice despite the many lottery ticket transactions I had for him to run through the machine. Five stars.

Wow. That's awesome because that's a person who maybe has never gone to a gas station for anything in their life and they're walking in and being like, this is what one of these is.

Huh. Not many products. What aisle is the rigatoni on? No rigatoni? I'll have to write something about that.

Where's the balsamic reduction?

Don't have it. I'll be talking to the internet about this.

They only sell single rolls of toilet paper. That hardly seems economically efficient.

I would probably not purchase my toilet paper at this establishment. What does BP stand for? Barely produce?

I love it. Alright, are you guys ready to do some Riddles? The show? No!

No!

More reviews.

More reviews.

I'd love for you guys to review a riddle.

Yes, it can be, Adal. Yeah, it absolutely can be. Check it out.

Most of those comments are like, you know, people commenting on like a Coldplay song from 2006, and the comment just says, anyone in 2018 still head jamming to this song? And it's a bunch of upvotes by people who are also listening to that Coldplay song.

Okay, so JPC found my comment about The Scientist. It's a good song. A rush of blood to the head is a good album. It stands the test of time.

It's about a breakup. It was all yellow.

Okay, here we go. I am a number. I am part of a number. I am an unknown number. I am a kiss you do not feel. I am an intersection. I am third from the end.

This is so easy. This is X. And in a math problem, you're solving for X. Erin, you're correct.

This is the letter X. Wow.

Smug little bug over here. Have you ever seen me look so smug on a Riddle podcast?

Erin, go ahead and open up door number four of your advent cat treat calendar.

Here I go. It's the biggest treat I've ever seen.

How am I supposed to open this door? With a chainsaw?

Nice! Okay, I'll send you a sticker in the mail, JBC.

Erin, do you want to review that riddle?

Yes.

She's going to get a great review because she solved it.

No, you don't know that.

We don't know that.

I thought this riddle would have more to it. Five stars.

There it is.

Very good riddle.

What about your next one? Here it is. With or without my name, I am nothing. My first is the last and my last is nothing. Prince.

Actually, and I can't believe it, I wasn't listening. Can you read it again? I am so sorry. That's the first time I've ever fully missed a riddle.

I did see you raise a can of something, jingle it a few times, which is always fun, for the recording.

We should say that Erin's outside of CVS for Salvation Army as a Santa.

What was the drink that we were drinking there, Erin, when we weren't paying attention to our homework?

It was a can of Silly Sprig. Silly Sprig.

You found out how to jury-rig them so you could drink them, right? You have a little hack.

Yeah, drink them! I don't know what I mean by that. That just advocated to the joke.

Neither do I. Ooh, and then Adal, no jangle, jamming what I have to assume is a La Cologne coffee drink? You better believe it. Damn, dude.

Oh, good for you, Adal.

Eagle eye. Fucking eagle eye over there.

That's awesome. GPC, I am so sorry I missed the riddle. Would you like me to try to guess anyway, or would you like to re-read the riddle?

I'm a big fan of guests anyway. Because eventually, we all know on this show, I'm going to re-read the riddle. Right. So you throw a couple of bullshit wild stabs, and then you're like, GPC, can you give us a hint? Or can you re-read the riddle? Yeah, you can do it that way. Adal, do you have a guess?

Garage, puppets, the moon.

Garage, puppets, the moon. The three standards.

I would need to hear it again, I think.

With or without my name, I am nothing. My first is the last, and my last is nothing. Zero. It's zero. Zero Mostel. Yes, it is zero Mostel.

Are these math riddles?

Uh... Well, have you done math yet? That's gotta be... If someone asks, are these math riddles? My first question has to be, how much math have you done in solving these?

Are they math themed riddles? I guess so. Last night I called myself the dumbest bitch in school, and I really feel like that today. Erin! I try not to talk about myself that way.

Yeah. Can I be honest with you? Last night, Erin, I had a dream about you. Can I tell you what happened in it?

Oh my god, did I die? Did I live? Did I save the day?

Don't spoil the ending, Erin. Let's hear the full narrative of the dream.

He dreamt about me.

Erin, I can't remember all the details, but I remember you, I think you were in the room with JPC and I, and you let us know, you were like, you acted like something really bad had happened, like you were like, are you guys ready, I have to tell you something, like don't be mad, like, etc, etc, like really hemming and hawing before you dropped a bombshell on us, and we're like, JPC and I are looking at each other like, what is this gonna be? And it turned out that you were pregnant with a human baby.

No.

Thank God. And you're going to name an alibi. And JBC and I were looking at each other trying not to laugh.

Premonition or what?

Why did you clarify human? I'm sorry. Why did you clarify human?

It's a dream.

Well, because dreams are wild.

Yeah, it's a dream, Casey. Come on.

It's a dream, Casey.

Yeah, Casey, I felt that too. I was like, would you all be so surprised if I told you I was pregnant and it turned out to be a human?

In a dream. In regular context, I would never even ask.

Can I say something?

Yes.

And I don't mean to be rude, and I know it's not 2025. Casey's got real fucking comfortable popping on mic.

No, I love it. Get it, Adal?

We had this whole thing before we started recording of Casey's microphone being too loud, and he took so long to fix it. And I said, Casey, you don't need to fix it. It's not an issue. And now all of a sudden, he did fix it. And he's like, well, hey, since my microphone sounds fine, why don't I just pop on mic?

Yeah.

What sucks about this is Casey knows that if he gets more than 10 words on the show, we have to pay him union right. And so he just tries to sneak it in.

But now he'll never pop back in and we're gonna miss him.

I don't know.

Casey, come back. Can I tell you something, Adal, about that dream? Yeah. So, normally, if a friend told me they had a premonition dream about me being pregnant, I'd be like, oh, fuck, am I pregnant? But guess what? And this is a little bit of an overshare, but maybe it's relatable. But literally, ten minutes ago, I felt myself get my period. So actually, We are in the clear. And you know that feeling if you're a person who gets their period, you go, oh, oh.

Casey, can you pinpoint that moment and put like a bell chime, like a ding?

Yeah, put a bell chime. Put a bell chime. And so guys, that's what the bell chime was. Holy shit. I'm actually, I'm actually glad that this is happening.

I'm no mathematician here, but could it have possibly been around the time when Erin shook a sugar-free Red Bull and then took a little sip out of it? Could that have been the time?

It was around that time.

Okay. I'm doing the edit for this episode, so I will be sure, Erin, to put your little bell chime in exactly 10 or 11 minutes after you said that.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. Or before you said that.

Yes. Casey, can you pop on mic so I can make sure you're not mad at me?

Okay.

That could mean anything.

Adal, you trying to sort of like come after Casey, it was really sweet. It's like watching a little kid swear. Watching Adal try to be mean.

I don't want to get too far away from it. I don't want to get too far away from it. Yeah. Erin, how do you feel about the baby name Alibi? Gender neutral.

I actually think it's quite lovely. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't hate it.

I would use it.

Alibi. All right. We like this.

Oh no, I heard a name the other day and I was going to put it in my baby name list and now I forget what it was. Ah, no. Fuck. See, this is why you always put the name in the list.

Did you say Cruella?

Yeah, why not? Take it back. It's due. What about having a nice baby named Cruella? Okay, here we go. I bring you music. I bring you salt. I bring you goodbyes.

The ocean. The sound of the ocean. You almost said it. Sound.

No. You started to say a word and then you kind of lost the ending of it.

Can you read it again?

I bring you music, I bring you salt, I bring you goodbyes. Tears. No, it's not tears. Salt. Adal, you had it! You were so close with ocean. Keep going on ocean.

Ocean. Seas. Water. The beach. Shells.

Salt water. Stay with water. Stay with water.

Stay with water. Ocean water.

Waves.

Ocean water. Waves. It is waves.

Oh, waves!

I think Adal said wah, and then he cut it off. Oh wah! Oh wah!

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a mermaid. JPC is like on the shore of the ocean kind of like just walking along, and you are in the ocean trying to flirt with him as he's walking along as a mermaid, but the ocean is just absolutely pounding your ass.

Uh, yoo-hoo!

Hello? Is there someone there? I was having a tranquil morning walk.

Ooh, someone's here.

Wow! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Oh my god, man! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Stay, stay!

I'll help! I'm not a strong swimmer, but I'll help!

No, no, please, I live in the water, if you could- Oh my god! Help me, help me, help me, I'm overcome!

Oh my, it's a woman with the lower half of a fish or a sea creature of some sort. She's both graceful and incredibly not.

Hello, if you come in here for a tranquil swim, I could perhaps give you a KISS!

There's a- oh, look out for that buoy! Ow!

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh, it knocked the wind out of me!

There's a wind advisory today, it's very- it's very rough water!

Oh, I have- oh, I got my- ah! There's a bay!

I'm seasick. There's a bay like a little ways down if you could- If you could make it to the bay, it's calmer in there.

Uh, yeah, I don't look as majestic in the bay.

I'm sorry, but you don't look... You don't look... Just go under the waves!

Hold on, hold on! Shark! Shark! Shark! Oh no, please no, not now. I just swallowed so much seaweed.

It should be.

It will be.

And it shall be. I walk across the fields at night and scatter pearls from my cool cup. They twinkle in the moon's soft light, then morning comes and drinks them up. Erin, it's Dew Drops. Yes, it is the morning Dew Drops.

Turns out I was a Riddle Genius the whole time.

What a twist. Erin orders one Baja Blast from DoorDash and suddenly she knows Dew Drops.

That was two months ago. And they sent me a regular Mountain Dew, need I remind you. That was a Patreon thing, people will remember that.

Great, now we'll just have to go and release that Patreon episode so everyone can know that Erin ordered the wrong Mountain Dew. Okay. We tell the world that you were here. Sometimes we're hard to see. Sometimes we're clear. We show your touch, both weak and strong. And you may curse these lines if you did wrong.

Was it your, um, obituary?

Wow. So close. But no, not really close, but I love that. I do love that as an answer.

Headstone, gravestone.

Headstone, gravestone. What's the difference?

Mmm. Hmm. I don't know.

Culture. Different cultures.

I guess where they put it. If they put it where your head's at or where your feet's at. I want a foot stone.

I want it right above my tit line. So people can go, nice. Cool.

Erin, you have a new song a la Robin Thicke called Titline, right? Did you want to sing it now?

Titline! I don't know what is, what is a titline, what do I mean, is a tit- Remember that music video? That music video came out when I was living in Australia and I remember being on a treadmill in Australia and being like... Huh, we're still making music videos like this. What happened?

What happened?

I'm just shocked we're still making music videos. I don't remember the music video. Was there something to it? Was it very sexy?

Yeah, it was very guy in a suit surrounded by naked ladies objectifying me, and I was like, ugh.

I think it was, I think she may have been famous beforehand, but I think it was the sort of launching pad for Emily Ratajkowski?

I don't remember that. Interesting.

Congratulations to everyone involved in Robin Thicke's song or whatever we're talking about. Do you think there's a specific reason that they put the gravestone over people's heads? Could you get buried backwards? Could you go feet first and put the headstone by the feet?

TPC, just ask. How do you want to be buried? Just tell us and we'll do it.

I want to do sideways. I know it's going to be more money because I'm going to have to take more plots, but I want to do sideways.

I thought you meant on your side, inside of the... That wouldn't be bad.

No, I want to be standing up. So it's going to have to be, let's see, I'm almost, I'm like 5'11", and you have to do six feet down. So instead of doing a six foot grave, it's going to be a 12 foot grave, Which is going to get pretty hard to dig, but it's going to be a 12-foot grave, but it'll be pretty thin, right? So it's just like, I just want to shoot down like a torpedo. Nope. It has to be a functioning missile silo, because at the right time, my descendants will be able to shoot me into the sky.

I think you should be in a clear casket a la Lennon, where it's like you're preserved and everyone can kind of see you preserved, and then you're shot into space or something.

Yeah, exactly.

Welcome back. I look like a- you know when they cut the strings on like a- on a- Marionette. Marionette.

Yeah.

Like I'm- yeah.

Cause you'll be dead. We can break some bones to get you in there all- to get you in there all, you know, smooshed in.

Guys, can I ask a question that's kind of sad?

Yeah.

And I actually kind of know the answer to this. What order do you think we're gonna die in?

Adal, Erin, JPC. Hmm.

No, I think it might be me... Poetry? This is what poetry is. Me, Adal, JPC. And JPC gets 20 extra years.

This is crazy! I'm going JPC, Adal, Erin.

Well, why? Don't the women live longer? But think about what kind of woman I am. Yeah. Bird bones. Getting her period on. Mike.

That can't be a sign of longevity.

Yes, that is a sign of the end of the world for sure. That makes me very sad. At some point, I'll do this on the Patreon, we're going to have a funeral for each of us. So we all get to go to each other's funerals because it'll make me really, really sad if you guys can't go to mine. I'd get really bad FOMO if I died before getting to go to yours. That makes sense. I put on absolutely raging at JPC's party. I'm going to get so drunk, I'm going to party, we're going to celebrate.

I think you correctly identified it as a celebration when I die. It's kind of like when the Ewoks took Endor, you know? A lot of death happened, but pretty good result.

Remember the beginning of The Wizard of Oz? When they go ding dong, the witch is dead. Sort of like that.

Yeah. And that's fine. If it's a party, that's fine. I'm down for that.

You can't come, you're dead.

You can't come here dead. Unless... Now.

Now.

I won't be at the party, but I will be shot into the sky as a rocket above the party. Erin, I guarantee you... You'll be like, whoa, the fireworks!

And then they're like... It tastes like human remains, Erin, I guarantee you. If JPC, heaven forbid, if JPC goes first, I guarantee you, Erin, you and I are at the funeral.

Okay.

We're very sad. We're going through our index cards, the speeches we're going to give. Yep. As we're grabbing shrimp or whatever from the little food truck.

There will be shrimp.

Mariah's in charge of planning, there's going to be shrimp.

Thank you, Mariah. Incredible.

We see a guy at the corner of our eye who's just sort of lingering on the periphery. Looks just like JPC, but with a big fake twirling mustache and like a top hat or something. And it's him. And he's like pulled a little ruse on us. Right? Am I crazy?

Oh yeah, I'll Huck Finn my shit hard. Huck Finn you up. Casey, don't clip that. No. You know what? Fuck it. Let's go to ads. Let's do ads. Let's do ads.

Casey, clip it.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Hey guys, do you like my cowboy hat, cowboy boots, cowboy everything? Yeehaw!

Well Erin, your belt is a rattlesnake.

Oh my god, what? I just came from Squarespace. It's a square dancing class.

Oh Erin, you've done it again. Squarespace is not a square dancing class.

It is an all-in-one website builder.

But you could build a website on Squarespace to sort of promote your square dancing site.

Okay, the rattlesnake is looking at me in the eye. Do I look at it? Do I look away? Do I look at it? Do I look away?

Well, stop looking at your belt. The big problem is you looking directly at your belt.

At it or away.

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Erin's grabbing the snake's jaw and making it mouth words that she says.

That is wild. Almost as wild as the fact that Squarespace allows you to connect to social and multimedia accounts. Connect major social media and multimedia accounts to your website in a few clicks as icons, direct links, or embedded feeds.

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The Rattlesnake and I are headed to go get nachos. Y'all wanna come with?

the show.

that I had like, you know, emotional issues that I needed to discuss with someone and you two jokers told me to go down to the flour, yeast, salt shop, put all those ingredients together and that would kind of like help me through my emotional issues.

Batter help? What are you trying to... It's not quite better... Better Kelp?

Wetter Kelp?

Oh, it's Wetter Kelp. Where did that come from?

Redder Help?

Thank you!

No, JPC, we wanted you to go to Better Help.

This makes much more sense.

Yeah, JPC, in 2025, maybe you're ready for a plot twist, or maybe there's a part of your story you've been wanting to advise. That's where Better Help can help.

It's fully online, making therapy affordable, convenient, and serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties, and easily switch therapists anytime with no extra cost. I've been using BetterHelp for many, many years. It is how my brain works. I like being able to send a message to my counselor as I'm experiencing something, and it just works great for my mental health. So if you're feeling kind of stuck in the rut, Where you want to start this new year off with a big bang? Go to BetterHelp.

And I would say anyone out there who had the idea for BetterHelp should absolutely use this service.

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Casey, please keep talking on this episode.

Okay, we're back. I think some people get bummed out when you talk about death. I don't. I don't mind being like, yeah, because everybody dies. Everybody lives. It's a part of life.

I feel very chill about my own death. And if I die, please, everybody just calm down. I'm fine with it. I'm really okay. But I don't love, and this is going to sound crazy, I'm the first person to ever say this, I don't love the idea of my loved ones dying. That actually, I don't love that. Why? You know, I don't know. I've never thought about it. It just feels kind of icky.

Feels icky if your loved ones die. Huh, okay.

GBC, you don't know a lot of those words. I'm sorry. This might go a little over your head.

It's like we're speaking in French to me. I'm like so lost. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Okay, now we're talking about language. French. Language of the people. Here we go. We tell the world that you were here. Sometimes we're hard to see. Sometimes we're clear. We show your touch, both weak and strong, and you may curse these longs if you did—these longs—these lines if you did wrong.

Okay, what are lines we would curse, Erin?

Cocaine.

Fuck, this is good cocaine.

Um, Apple store lines, Disneyland lines.

Oh, absolutely. We tried.

You're very rarely in line for that because unless you Every time I've gone I've paid the extra $25, which is insane, but I'm not waiting in a three-hour long Yeah, well some people are because yeah, yeah, but I can't I just don't I and this is gonna sound crazy I don't love lines.

I want to see a scene interesting

We're learning so much about Erin, Adal. Isn't this wonderful? Yeah.

Well, I'm banking all this for her funeral. I do want to see a scene. The two of you are two separate solo attendees at Disney World, and you just happen to be next to each other in line for Rise of the Resistance.

I saw it's two hours today, which is crazy.

Whoa. Worth it, though. Have you been on the ride?

A bunch of times, yeah. They only let you do it once a day, so.

That's crazy.

Yeah, you can pay $25 and then it's like 20 minutes, but, you know, that's a whole thing. That's a whole scam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're, um, that's so crazy. I feel like every time I'm here I see you waiting in line, but I've never seen you, like, eating food or, like, on a ride.

This is a camelback.

Oh cool, cool, cool.

My backpack's a camelback. I fill it with oatmeal from home. Huh. So I don't do any of the park food because that's a whole scam. So I just do, I just drink the oatmeal through the camelback. Ruins the camelback.

Yeah. It's also like all over your face.

They haven't designed them yet for oatmeal.

I don't think they ever will.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Huh.

Leaving money on the fucking table, it's all a scam. Yeah, so you see me here, huh?

Yeah, just, you don't come to Disneyland to just wait in lines. You're not like a line guy? You're not one of those line guys?

They only let you ride the ride once a day, but they don't have a rule that says you can't get back in line.

Huh.

So you can get in line as many times as you want, but when you get to the part where they let you get on the ride, they will stop you if you've already been on the ride.

And the ride, the line... There's a little bit of oatmeal dribbling out of your mouth. Can you get it?

Oh, sorry, I wasn't swallowing because I was talking. But I was sucking because I don't usually talk to people. The line at Disney is actually part of the ride. Like, the ride starts when you get in line. So, like, people say, like, that's a two-hour line. But I'm actually on the ride for two hours.

Oh dear. From this point on, the wait is one hour, 57 minutes.

Sorry, this is my wife. You mu- Charmed, I'm sure. Insane. Sorry, Adal. That sucks. Sometimes improv is just being mean to your friend.

Yeah. And we cut back into the scene and Erin, you're on Rise of the Resistance and it's absolutely pounding your ass.

Hey baby, why don't you ditch the zero and get with a hero? Oatmeal from a cable bag? This is me talking to the wife? Seed.

And we go back into the seed. I'm just kidding. I have a quick question.

What is Disney hookup culture like? Because I've always wanted to know.

I think, oh, I think there are... Like employees? Like employees?

No, I don't think about employees. Those face characters?

All those people who look like Disney princes and princesses?

Are there single people going to Disney and then getting right on those apps? And then just, you know, getting on the Tinder and saying, like, who's at Disney trying to fuck? Like, who's another single person?

Only one way to find out.

Is there like a Disney Tinder where it's like it only works when you're in the park and it connects you with people in the park? Is that a thing? That has to be a thing.

Disney? Oh my god, Goofy's into some weird fucking shit. And he listed all of it on his profile.

It's Goofy at Machu Picchu and then you swipe and it's like Goofy with like a tiger or something. Yeah.

You match with someone but then they're in like Magic Kingdom and you didn't have Park Hopper and you're like, fuck! Like, what park are you going to tomorrow? Like, let's try to... Over the summer when I was on some dating apps, a guy asked me on a first date at Disneyland. He said, let's go to Disney as a first date. Yeah. Okay.

Did you do it? No, because I was like, what if you're horrible?

Yeah.

And then what the fuck do I go like, can we sort of do our own thing?

Did he say, I'll pay?

He didn't do that either. And I was like, that, I would be like, that's kind of fucking cool.

Hey, we just met. Do you want to spend $238 tomorrow?

Yeah. And then I was like, and also like, I'm not going to Disney for an hour. That's a full day event. That's so expensive.

Yeah.

I guess that's kind of a baller move if you're offering to pay. And also if you're like, hey, let's go to Disney. I'm rich. Let's go to Disney. If we don't vibe, you're at Disney. Have a fun day. But if we do vibe, we can like hang out at Disney.

If you'd given me that out of like, what if we, I will pay for you to get into Disney.

Yeah.

And I would love to take you out to lunch there. And if you want to keep hanging out the rest of the day, if we can. If not, you're loose in Disney. And then I would have probably said yes, but it seemed like I was going to pay, and it seemed like we were going to spend 12 hours together.

I would love if it was like, you said yes, and he's like, meet me right inside the park. I'll be wearing a red rose or something. And you walk in, and it's like Mickey in full suit with a red rose.

It's like, huh, hey, I set my age range for 22 to 24. You look a little older. You're just like your picture. Where are you going?

Go in Kylo Ren's wearing a rose, and I'm like, not again! We always end up with the bad guy.

Alright. I was thinking that Disney move would be very cool, but you'd have to be rich. And then I was like, well, if you're rich, you really don't need to have moves like that. You can just be like, hey, I'm rich. Let's fly to Paris. Why don't we do whatever I want to do? I'm rich.

If I went on a date with a rich guy, there might be other things I would rather experience and do. I don't know if I'd rather go to a fancy meal. What would you want if a rich person took you out on a first date and was paying for it? What would you want the experience to be?

Am I in L.A.?

You can be in any city.

I think it's kind of like I want some sort of boat ride. I want to be on a really nice yacht. It doesn't have to be a yacht, but whatever nice ship they have.

That's how I know you weren't living as a woman because immediately to me I'm like murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder.

I wanna go to like a sharper image and just like hold up stuff and go, can you afford this? Can you afford this?

Can you get me this?

How about this?

Yeah. I just had a thought if a rich person took me on a date and took me to a Broadway show. That shit's crazy expensive.

Yeah, that's expensive.

And that's sort of the same as going to a movie, like you can go and have a drink after and talk about it.

Yes, it is. What's her name? I almost said Bobbitt, but that's a different person. There's a woman who went to Beetlejuice and got real handsy. Oh, Lauren Boebert. Boebert. Yeah.

Good for her. Live life as a hypocrite. That's the way to go.

Live moss. Live moss. Absolutely live moss.

Get and give a hand stuff at Beetlejuice the Musical Tour. That's what I always say. Give and receive hand stuff.

Please put that on like a 2D wooden sign and sell it at like a Marshalls or HomeGoods.

You don't have to ask me twice.

Now JPC, this is something that's invisible but shows our strength or something.

We tell the world that you were here. Sometimes we're hard to see, sometimes we're clear. We show your touch, both weak and strong, and you may curse these lines if you did wrong.

Can we get a little hint?

Okay. Let's see.

Is this something that would happen posthumously?

Not necessarily, but everyone has this. We tell the world that you are here, and that applies to pretty much anyone in the world.

Your name.

DNA.

Bones. It's not DNA, but you're on the right track, and Erin, it's more unique than just your name. Soul. Fingerprint. Erin, it's a fingerprint. Fingerprint! Yes. Adal, you said prince as an answer earlier, and I was like, when you asked for a hint, I was like, I don't think that you remember saying prince. Prince. But it was weirdly apropos of a future Riddle. Very close.

Can I see a scene?

Yes.

You are two guys reviewing a crime scene and you're finding that the criminal left something behind that's a little bit more unusual than fingerprints.

Alright Todd, let's review this crime scene. I'm going to give it a 2 out of 10. Very sloppy, a lot of brain, a lot of viscera. Seemingly the killer didn't know what they were doing. And also, just out of frustration as detectives, really annoying that they didn't leave behind more evidence. No follicles of hair, no weapons, anything like that. So I'm going to go 2 out of 10 with a chainsaw.

Okay, how was it, Chainsaw? Yeah, I, uh... Okay, 2 out of 10. I was gonna give it 1 out of 5, which I think, fraction-wise, kind of works. I didn't know we were doing 10, but I'm the rookie, so... Yeah, I would say, like, it sucks, too, because it's like, you come to a crime scene and what do you want? Like, evidence.

Whoa, I'm not dead. Scene. Ten years of improv experience and I am no brother.

The black tarp over your body flies off and you sit up. I'm not dead. Is it a black tarp, white tarp? I'm trying to think of in TV shows. I mean, typically they're not there, but when they are, there's some sort of tarp or blanket over them, right?

We gotta throw a blanket over there, but do you want white? Gonna be way harder to clean. But is this a reusable blanket? Yeah.

Last night I saw, you guys know her, the great comedian Stevie Chael. Oh yeah. And she sneezed and it scared the bejesus out of me. You know when babies start screaming and crying when someone sneezes because the sound startles them?

Uh huh.

She sneezed so loud I got genuinely terrified. Wow. And then we laughed really hard. I was like, whoa! Whoa!

Um, I was driving a couple weeks ago and I heard a person sneeze in a separate car. Whoa! And my windows were up. Holy shit. They were stopped next to me at a stoplight and I was listening to a podcast.

I thought you were like, and I was listening to try to hear his car.

I had my windows down and I was like staring at them like daggers at them and there are people honking behind me because I'm not moving.

I would actually like to see a scene. Adal, you're minding your business in traffic in your car and you look over you can tell that JPC is trying to eavesdrop on whatever you've got going on.

Take the 94, that seems a little long. What is this guy doing? Roll down. Roll down your window. Roll down your window. You!

Yes, you! Don't talk to me! I don't want to talk to you, man!

Keep going! No, no, no, no!

Roll down your window.

What does this fucker want? I'm going to call my sister real quick. Dude, roll down your window. Hey, Jessica.

Hey, how are you? What is he saying?

What is he saying? Hey, if I don't call you back in two minutes, God damn, what is he saying? I need you to get on the 94 immediately and look for me.

What's going on?

I love you. Hey, I love you too.

Just stay on the phone with me. Stay on the phone with me.

I can't. I have to go.

He's ordering forks? I love your vibe.

I love your look. I want to hear about your life, but not from you to me. I want to experience it like a movie.

I want to watch your life movie.

Hey, I don't want this anymore, so I'm gonna stop. Okay. I wish I could drive off, but we're in bumper to bumper. Fuck me. Fuck me, I guess. Take care, man. Take care.

Doesn't matter what I want. You exist in society. It's not you on an island, you're here with other people.

I've been trying to call you back. What's going on? Are you okay?

I hope you have a great day. We have a beautiful human baby.

Who is yelling? Who is that?

It's my destiny. You're talking to destiny?

Oh, I love him! He's my favorite!

Your favorite what? Streamer?

Is that what destiny does? Does he stream?

No one knows. We can't know. We can't know. But congratulations.

I'm hungry. But more riddles and also food.

Casey, go ahead and put in another building because Erin just had a second period has just hit.

A second period. It's just hit, Erin. You know what? It does kind of feel like that. You know what I found out this year?

How would I know that?

I don't.

I hate when people ask questions like this.

I know. I'm sorry. My OBGYN this year, and I was like, why don't they teach people like anything about our bodies? I don't know anything about how it works. But you get like cold symptoms or like allergy symptoms when you're on your period. And I went, that makes the most sense ever. Why do I always just feel like I get a cold once a month, but really you just get It's like the hormones in your body are doing this thing. And I was like, I'm 33 and I'm finding this out. Isn't that wild?

That is wild.

I have so much to learn.

It is. Well, I mean, look, doctors have a very specialized set of skills. They go to school for a long time. They have to stay current. They have to keep doing continued education. But it is very funny when a doctor casually drops a thing and you're like, I guess you are just this arbiter of this hidden knowledge. Yeah. That's like a very useful thing.

I mean, I guess I could read a single book, but... Well, pick up Bill Bryson's, I want to say it's called The Body, and you're going to learn a whole lot of shit, Erin. It's going to freak you out.

I don't want to know.

The one thing that I would love to know is where the poop comes out. Because for me, it's an absolute guessing game.

KC, mute JPC forever. And nine times out of ten, I get it completely wrong.

That's why pencils made erasers. Alright, here we go.

We can bleep it.

Pencils did not make erasers. Pencils don't make anything. That's right, pencils make erasers.

I am where loud beasts rest a while, ticking to themselves as though remembering their journeys. Some beasts tag their spot with warm fluids. Dominant beasts mark their territories. Dead beasts are dragged away by big beasts. I don't know where they go, but some of them come back to life.

I don't know.

Is this like Maurice Sendak's obituary? Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the big beasts drag away the little beasts.

The full spectrum of human emotion. She's getting her period, she's getting hungry now, she's a little sleepy.

Now I'm falling in love.

She's sneezing. She's bleeding. She's hungry. She's thirsty.

I love this song. She's sneezing. She's bleeding. She's hungry. She's thirsty.

Erin's the personification of the seasons. She's just like every, every moment.

That's beautiful. That's poetry. Thanks, buddy. That's really lovely. You could sing that at my funeral if you make it.

Erin, you ever see Grease 2?

No! Why would I? I love myself!

Fair enough.

All good information. I am where loud beasts rest a while, ticking to themselves as though remembering their journeys. Some beasts tag… Sorry, real quick.

You're saying ticking to themselves? Ticking. T-I-C-K-I-N-G. So what beasts are ticking, unless they're like windup… Is it something that's alive or not? Fox?

No. It's not alive. It's an object. Some beasts tag their spot with warm fluids. Dominant beasts mark their territory. Pistri. Is it a pistri? It's not a pistri. Oh, you're home! Oh, it's been, what, 22 years?

Don't, don't start.

Wow. I missed you.

Don't, don't do this. Let's not do this whole song and dance.

You want to pull on my branches or swing from the tire?

No, no. You'd like that, wouldn't you? You would like that, wouldn't you? Absolutely not. How about some piss? Oh, God.

Get a little higher? No. Hit you in the shoulder?

No, no. Hey. Whoops. Hey, we did this once and it was awesome, okay? We're not going to do this again. I'm married.

It doesn't matter. This isn't cheating.

I'm married. Piss on me.

Hey, piss on me.

Okay. Just a little bit.

No one's looking. Hey, I'll keep lookout. I'll keep lookout.

You said that last time and my marriage almost fell apart. You said that last time and my marriage almost fell apart.

Is Greg here? Bring Greg over here. I'm going to beat his fucking ass with my branches.

You can't. You're a tree.

You don't think I can swing my branches?

I'm

Hey Katie, dinner's almost ready. Hey Katie, dinner's almost ready. Oh, I see you're talking to the neighbor boy in the tree again. Jesus. Gotta go. Oh, there he goes. Oh, bad fall. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Tell your parents we said hello, Dennis.

Sweet.

Be-ba-be-ba-bo-ba-be-ba-bo.

The beasts are not alive. These are not alive beasts.

Beasts is, um... What's something that gives off liquid that's not alive?

Dead beasts are dragged away by big beasts. Oil. I don't know where they go. Cars.

Cars. Cars. It's cars.

It's cars. Tow trucks. But this is not... Cars is not the answer.

Cars too.

We're looking for... I am where loud beasts rest awhile.

Oh, um... A parking lot.

A scrapyard.

It's a parking lot.

Yes.

Larry the Cable Car.

Oh, that's fun.

Whoa. How to save a life.

Step one. You guys, my body's really falling apart.

All right. Erin, describe it.

No.

No, please.

All the things that can happen are happening, and I kind of want to just be in the bath. But that's okay. I'm actually really happy to be here. Thank you for

Oh, with 300 episodes stowed away, I wish we had more Riddies now.

You can call 805-RIDDLE-1 to try to send a riddle we haven't done. God damn you all. You've been told we've been running out of riddles since the 9th episode. We're up for a daddy and we'll make pigs cum. With a wife full of riddle of the dude I dunch.

We ate my whole for a picnic lunch. Okay, so that came from Dan from Warwick in the UK. Never would have known. Never would have guessed UK.

A perfect mimic. Thank you, Dan.

I think that's also a Canadian sea shanty if I do know my history. But I don't know much.

But I know we love you, Dan. And if you want us to love you as well, you can send us a voicemail theme under 30 seconds or around 30 seconds. Nope, exactly 30 seconds or under. That's exactly what I wanted to say. To hrrpodcast at gmail.com. And we also have a voicemail.

This is a voicemail for the podcast Bill Buds. I'm listening to the episode about autobiography right now, and I just wanted to let you know in Kansas City, Missouri, some of our shopping carts have the auto lock on them, but our Costco does not, and the park six blocks up from the Costco is slowly filling with shopping carts from the Costco. There are about 15. Love the podcast.

Okay. You messaged the wrong podcast. That's okay. That's okay. Because the shopping cart thing is certainly interesting.

Well, does Bill Buds have a voicemail? Because maybe this person's just trying to find any channel to get to you guys.

Yeah. Maybe they just really want to talk about the shopping cart thing. The auto lock on the shopping cart thing.

I think so. I think so.

Now whose album is biography?

I'm Hey Riddle Riddle

Welcome back to

So, we're talking about A, managing crowds, and B, security. And a guy was pushing a shopping cart out of an exit door. It was an empty shopping cart. No, I'm sorry. It had his bags in it, but there was like two bags. And he was there with his wife, and he was pushing it out the entrance door. And the shopping cart, of course, locked because he was pushing it out the wrong door. And he tried to push it hard again, and it didn't work. And then he just went, ugh! And he threw up his hands, and he grabbed his bags and walked out and just left the shopping cart there. And I was like, it was so funny because it happened in a moment, but it was also this man being like, I'm in the right, the shopping cart, who is a simple machine, this is in the wrong. Obviously, it's trying to get one over on me.

And also, that guy definitely had a day where a bunch of shit like that had been piling up. He's like, I can't have one more thing go wrong.

That guy's washing his hands in the urinal and be like, why do my hands smell like piss? I'm doing everything right!

He goes home and he watches Curb and he's like, this is basically, my life is an episode of Curb.

It's like, dude, it's not. Trust me, it's not. It's not. Alright, speaking of episodes of Curb, This Is Nothing, Adal, do you have anything that you would like to plug?

Yes, just five days ago was my sister Sadia's birthday and I failed to wish her a happy birthday last episode so I desperately want to correct that and say happy 74th birthday to my sister Sadia. I hope it was a good one.

I hope it's a good Tuesday.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Yes. I host a show, a monthly show in Los Angeles called Quality Time. So if you want to follow that on Instagram or if you want to reach out to me to get a free ticket to come join us, I would love that. GBC, any review to read? Maybe a five-star review saying that we don't have enough produce?

Hey, before I read that, I will say that if you're listening to this on the day that it comes out, it is not too late to come, or maybe it's sold out, who knows, but it's probably not too late to come to our San Francisco live show as part of SF SketchFest. That show is Saturday, January 18th from 4pm to 5.30pm Pacific Standard Time at the Gateway Theater in San Francisco. So please come to that show, and if you do come to that show, you know, hang out and say hello to us afterwards. We always enjoy meeting people and we're very excited to be doing SketchFest. Once again, um, I have a review and this one's gonna be from, oh boy, HiHijusis. This one is titled, Great Start. First of all, I wanted to say this is a great start. My biggest issue is not effectively communicating our brand voice. You could put this same product on anyone's feed and it wouldn't feel out of place. We need to look at this through a lens and really consider how we can reinforce our values without diluting the message. I don't want to lose the essence of what you've done here and how can we take this to the next level. Don't be afraid to think outside the confines of the brief. As always, let me know if you have any questions. Okay, yeah, good to know. I think we really hit our brand identity this episode. Erin talked about her period a bunch and we said piss.

A bunch? Like seven times?

Every time a bell rings and Erin gets her period.

And that's Cher?

Do you believe in life after love, Erin?

Life after blood. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Jupiter. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Snap out of it!

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif. and John Patrick Coan. Casey told me to be editing. I've already parented the music.

Any notes on that one? No.

Can we start over?

Can we start again, please? Hey there scientists and bears, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's improv based on Far Side cartoons. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com