Which Riddle Riddle?

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The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Oh, the Pembroke Fish.

It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horse's feet rotted.

Please welcome the wickedly talented, the one and only Adele Dazeem. Happy New Year, everybody! Welcome to 2025. You didn't think we'd live this long, did you? Did you?

Welcome to 2025. You didn't think we'd live this long, did you?

Oh, Erin, are you okay?

God! Erin, are you okay? Yeah, this is just on the soundboard now. This is just on the soundboard now.

You hit your head so hard on the microphone.

Oh, and this is also on the soundboard now. Head over to our Patreon if you want to know why those noises are playing.

2025!

It's a brand new year and a brand new crew. Not the same old stuff. It's gonna be all new stuff. I will drink a cup of my own piss.

Okay, well... Same old stuff. That's JPC. That's Adal over there. Adal, wave! There he is. He's really waving. That's really sweet. And I'm Erin.

And who's this gorgeous 10 out of 10 knockout blonde? Oh, that's me. I dyed my hair. But we do have a guest. Our guest today is Emmy Award, this might be our first Emmy Award winner, Emmy Award winner, former head writer of The Daily Show, head writer of the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. Creator of a delightful comic and also spooky maniac of New York and one of the co-hosts of the Flophouse podcast, please welcome Elliott Kalan. I never know how to say your last name.

It's Kalan. Kalan! I always want to say Kalan. Nobody knows. It was Kaplan until 1951, and then my grandfather changed it right before my dad was born. So this is a name that proudly goes back three generations now, including my own children. And everyone thinks it's Kalan or Kalan, but it's pronounced Kalan because my family is dedicated to finding the least Do you think at any point down the road in the family lineage, do you think you'll ever add the P back? Or is the P gone for good reason? That's a good- I mean, it's not good for- gone for a good reason, it's gone for a bad reason, which is anti-Semitism, but you know, and the desire to avoid it, but the- Oh, okay, good, whoo!

Oh my god!

We were too worried people would think we were- that we were Jews, but we're not. No, but at this point, we're so obviously Jewish that we might as well replace it, but I like the way it sounds. Kaplan is like, yeah, it's like a dime-a-dozen name, but Kalan, it's so- it's so exclusive, nobody even knows how to pronounce it. That's how beautiful it is.

Yes, that's- It is like being part of a... I kind of have the opposite problem because my last name is Coan, but it's C-O-A-N, and I'm not Jewish. So it's like, I'm kind of reclaiming some of that anti-Semitism for myself. I'm taking it off of the shoulders of the Jewish people and proudly displaying it.

Thank you for absorbing some of that. Really appreciate it.

An ally, that's a good word.

I've never heard it put that way before. I'm kind of an inadvertent ally, yeah.

It's a very similar thing with my last name. It's K-E-I-F, which grammatically makes no sense. It's Keif. But it's because my great-grandfather had such bad handwriting, and on the census, they couldn't read the K-E-E-F-E, and so they had to change it to K-E-I-F.

Really?

That's the sort of Irish in me.

Yeah, they couldn't read it. They were just like, too Irish, make it something else.

And I have just the boring old Missouri Standard Adal Shokey Rifai.

You must be so tired of people not asking you how to spell or pronounce or where it's from your name.

He loves when people call him Adam. He loves it.

My favorite is when I'll be talking to someone and someone will be like, uh, what's your name? And I'm like, Adal. And they'll go, Abdul. And I'm like, you heard it. Like, it's not like you read it. You heard it.

Well, that's, it's like, I'll write my name on like a medical form and I'll get the printed form back and it'll say Kaplan on it. And it's like, I know my own name. Just do it the way I wrote it. Like, I didn't make a mistake. Yeah.

Too many L's and too many T's.

Yeah, well they do say that sometimes. Every time I get into the country I have to spell my name with one T and smuggle the other T in.

A delightful last name, a nightmare of a Wheel of Fortune puzzle. Elliott, we know all about your name now. What we want to know now is what is your history, what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, even something like escape rooms?

I, well I have a, I have a, not an interesting relationship with him but a checkered or at least a complicated relationship because there's certain types of riddles I love. I love logical word riddles. I love your old-fashioned kind of what a goblin would tell you if you're trying to cross a bridge type riddle. Like I love those. I'm not necessarily good at them, but I love them. Whereas, something like an escape room, like a physical thing, is something I find so incredibly threatening. There's almost nothing worse I can imagine than the idea of, like, deliberately putting myself in a room I cannot leave. Like, I need to know there's no- I don't even like, um, like I don't like sleeping in the side of the bed that's too far from a door. Riddle Riddle But I'm also, I'm now the newly the host of a puzzle podcast myself on the Smart List Network called Smart List Presents Clueless, where I host and Sean Hayes, along with a guest of his choosing, usually his husband or one of his friends, are the contestants every single time. So Sean is always the contestant, I'm always the host. Uh, and it's a little bit like, um, uh, that's the kind of thing that you would find in, like, a play about, like, a torturer and a captive, you know, like where they spend years together and they come to know each other intimately. It's not quite like that, but it's more fun than that. It's kind of like that, but more fun. So I'm, I feel like I'm, I'm steeped in, in puzzles and riddles now more than I used to be. And I have, uh, a son who loves games and puzzles of all kinds. Today we're Riddle Riddle Riddle. That's fantastic. The name of that show again is SmartList Presents Clueless. SmartList Presents Clueless is available on wherever podcasts are, you know. Go to the SmartList Presents Clueless feed somewhere, you know, and you'll find it.

Fellow Illinois State University theater grad, Sean Hayes.

He's done great things with that degree. He's got an Emmy, he's got a Tony. As I said in a recent episode that will be coming out in a little while, he's got an Emmy, a Tony, and a Scotty. Scotty is his husband. Yeah, he's been great too. He's a great, he loves puzzles. I mean he lives for puzzles and he's a great contestant on it because he's really good at it but also sometimes he gets really stuck because he's thinking in a specific type of puzzle logic way and not necessarily in the way that it works and I like it when we can catch him, when we can trip him up every now and then.

Well, send him our way, and we'll really break his heart.

Yeah, we'll really trip him up. Put the screws to him. Well, Elliott, let's get into some of these riddles that you may enjoy, you may loathe. We'll have to see your reaction, but here's our first one. This will be sort of a warm-up, and I say it's a warm-up just to make you feel bad if you don't get it right.

Okay, thank you.

This is posited to all three of you. What is the main cause of dry skin?

Okay, Maine is spelled M-A-I-N-E, so obviously we're in the Pacific Northeast. Lobster. Lobster! I said it first! What is the main cause of swamps, bogs? Dry skin. Yeah, they have cranberry bogs, huh? Up in Maine?

Are all the words spelled like we would expect them to be spelled, Adal?

Uh, yeah, I believe so.

I hope so.

Yeah. So wait, so does that mean... So it is the... Well, let's see, if... if Maine is spelled M-A-I-N-E, the main cause of dry skin would be... flames from a boiler explosion on the USS Maine? What is the main cause of dry skin?

Oh my God.

My God. There must be some PJ Puzzler in you I think. Is that the name?

PJ Puzzler? PJ Puzzle Whiz? Puzzle Whiz.

RJ Grunts. There must be some PJ Puzzle Whiz in you because it is a towel. The main cause of dry skin is a towel. Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

See, that's the kind of riddle that I liked, that I fit with, is the one where it's like, oh, this is not as complicated as it sounds like. You know, the joke of, like, why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side? You know, you hear that when you're a kid, and you're like, that's boring. And then eventually there came a point where I was like, this is a good joke. Like, you expect there to be a reason, and there's no reason. This chicken just needs to get over there.

I do want to see a quick scene. So Erin and Elliott, you guys are going to be football players on the sidelines, and Adal, you are the towel boy, and you're going to be delivering them towels, except you're also kind of like a little goblin, and you want to make them do riddles before you give them towels.

Okay, so I have to burn some of my riddles in this scene?

Yeah, I guess so. Well, then I made the right guy. I made the right guy, the little Riddle Goblin, I guess.

That's a good name for a goblin, Riddle Burn.

Riddle Burn. Ooh, it is unseasonably warm. I'm dying out there.

Yeah, this is the hottest Thanksgiving game we've ever played.

This is bleak. I am... Excuse me, can I grab a towel from you really quick?

No, but I can hand you a towel. Never grab, always hand. Good game, good game, good game. But before you receive this towel, you must answer me these questions with vowel. What is on all fours, then on twos, then back to fours? A goat? It's not a goat.

Carl, did you have a guess?

It's just so hot, I'm so sweaty, it's hard for me to- it's hard for me- Can you repeat it? Yes, what is on all fours, then on twos, then back to fours? If I asked you for a smaller towel, like- Then you'd get a smaller riddle! Yeah, could I get an easier one? Okay, um, one plus one? Two. Yeah, here you go. Oh, thank you.

That didn't end with a question mark in your voice inflection.

This is a very small towel, but I can dab away with it. That's good. That's like half my forehead.

Maybe if you gave me the towel first, then I could answer your riddle?

No. Many a player has tried to trick me in that regard. What is on all fours, then twos, then back to fours?

A human.

Yes, but what type of human? A human doing what?

Uh, burpees. Uh, yeah. I mean, yeah.

That works. What the hell is going on over here? I told you guys to get on the field like two minutes ago.

It's your son, Riddle Burn. He won't give us the towels.

Riddle Burn. Father, I'll leave them alone if you answer me these questions on a phone. God damn it. God damn it. Riddle Burn.

Erin, the answer to your riddle was the offensive line.

Oh, it was a football riddle.

I had the same problem with that riddle that I have with the scene, which is I don't know anything about football. So I was just groping for terminology.

No, that's not true. You knew it happens on Thanksgiving. That was a really good detail. Don't sell yourself short.

I know what other people in my house are doing on Thanksgiving that is annoying me, because I'm not interested.

I know there's the goddamn Lions. What is higher than a king or queen? What is higher than a king or queen?

Today we're

Now, you overshot it, but this is a good guess.

Oh, see, I would have undershot it then. I would say in, you know, in monarchical mythology, it would be God. But my guess is that this is a riddle and you're not a genuine question about how divine monarchy works, so. Well, the king and queen is a vessel for God, so they embody it. Huh? Huh. So actually, so then God would be lower than this thing, because it's higher than... Where's the pope in this? The Merovingian family.

Oh, the pope makes me think crown. Is it crown?

JPC. Bingo bingo, ha ta ta. It is a crown, or the crown.

Erin saying Pope made me think of that big hat, and I said, oh, the big hat! That's basically what's on top of a king or a queen!

Now, Elliott, I feel like you would know this, just because you're a very learned, well-read man. What is the name of the Pope's... In certain things, yeah. Not football, but, you know. How many yards did Walter Payton... What is the name of the Pope's hat? It's a mitre, right?

Remember when the Pope hit that woman?

I think about it every day. I'd like to see a seed. Elliott, you are a king, and GPC and Adal, you are people in the kingdom who are like coming to him with problems to solve. Hear ye, hear ye. I'm the king. Problems welcome. Promising nothing.

Your grace, I humbly throw myself onto your marble tiles. To beg of you, please. The kingdom has ruled against me having two dogs. Might I please have two dogs?

May I ask? And yes I may, I'm the king. I can do whatever, but I'm trying to be polite. Rhetorical, rhetorical, rhetorical. How big are the dogs? Uh, one dog is half the size of the other. I'm going to say no. I'm worried you're going to try to insert one dog into the other dog the way you answered that question.

Hey Wood! Hey Wood! We've seen him do it! Such a wise king he is!

They're doing it in Russia. They're called Russian nesting dogs. All right. Thank you. Thank you. You're great. Next question. Next question. One dog. You choose which one you want.

Malish Malish. I have a dispute with this woman here. Both of us were on our way home from the mines when we stumbled upon a baby. Now, I said, I will raise this child as my own. She said, I will raise this child as my own. We're not together anymore. And neither one of us, you know, owns, quote unquote, this baby. Who should keep the baby?

I have two questions to start with. One, who, which one of you stumbled across the baby?

We did it at the same time, in unison.

We were coming from separate minds, and both of our feet kind of hit... I see. It doesn't... I want it made clear that neither one of us kicked a baby.

This is what I was getting at. I would immediately disqualify whoever literally tripped over a baby with their foot. This is my second question. My second question. Does the baby show a preference to either one of you, or to neither of you?

Now, we don't know that that's me.

That's true, the baby could be using guy in a sort of New Jersey sense, in a unisex way.

It does seem like it could be a New Jersey baby. Speaking of, speaking of, King, hey, hey, uh, Angelo D'Antonio, uh, listen, uh, King, listen, uh... He cut in line.

As the ambassador from New Jersey, he has the ability to do so. Thank you, King. Grab my crown right fuckin' here. I got your crown right here, lady. This is a show of respect where he's from.

Hey, the 48 merges onto the 92 in such a way that I can't get my fucking caravan into the right-hand lane. Is there anything we can do about that, construction-wise?

Well, what exit are you trying to get to on the turnpike? I guess I want to get to the 22, if possible. I think we can do something about that. Returning to the baby, I will award the baby to whichever dog the man does not choose to keep. That's fair.

That's fair. What a fair king.

Good king. Good king. Question time is over. I have to take a very long bath now. The king was a child.

Now Adal, how did you get all those New Jersey specifics in there?

Listen, I've been to New Jersey once, so I thought back to my one visit and I said, I think there was a 48 onto the 92.

As a native New Jerseyan, I lived there for the first 17 years of my life, I found the numbers you were choosing to be delightfully imaginative.

I think I've also only been to New Jersey once, and I think that the thing that my impression of New Jersey, well there was two things, they pump your gas for you in New Jersey, correct?

Yes, in New Jersey it is illegal to have a self-service gas station, which is very frustrating. Why is that? I'm

Today we're That part was very throwing.

Yeah, you have to have a lot of trust in New Jersey. We trust each other a lot. It's not like the old days, you drive up to a Texaco, the man in the Texaco uniform comes out, oh, hello, good day, sir. You hear about the war? Oh, we'll get those jerrys, you know.

Dipstick on his arm, showing it to you like it's a wine bottle.

Yeah, exactly. Shall I check the air pressure? How you doing? Okay. Welcome to But when she will stop somewhere and I'll just sit there and let her get out and pump it because I never can do it quite right. Like I just can't. It's been years and I still can't. Every time I try to pump gas, it stops early and I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I just can't. I don't know how to do it.

To me, that's adorable. To your wife, that must be maddening.

I think it's very annoying. Yeah, very annoying.

When you as a guy like walk up to a urinal and you think, what happened here? Did someone just not understand how this thing works? Surely someone got the concept and they just failed at the execution, right?

I went to reunions at Princeton with my wife, and Princeton was delightful. And then I was like, I want to go to, my favorite Sopranos episode is the Pine Barrens. It's so good. I want to go to the, I think it's like a little forest called the Pine Barrens. And my wife was like, I think the Pine Barrens takes up like a third of the state or something.

Here's what people don't know about New Jersey. New Jersey is bigger on the inside than on the outside. So if you look in the map, it looks like a small state. But when you're there, it's massive. And so much of it is woodland. The north, that's your city part of New Jersey. The south, that's your woodland and farm part of New Jersey. I grew up in the north near New York City, the like sophisticated half. And it's like, it's like New Jersey is like a little microcosm of the entire United States because you go to South Jersey and it's like, Well, yeah, this is where the forest people live and the bog farmers. And you go up north and everyone says they live in New York City, you know. Smart.

I was kind of blown away. That was the second thing about New Jersey, just driving through and being like, there are so many trees here. I thought by the year 2024, I thought these would all be gone. I thought we would have taken these down by like 1826. Like, it's crazy that they're still there.

What my mom always used to tell me was she said there was more trees per square mile in New Jersey than any other state, and that it was the most densely populated state with people. And I was always like, even as a kid, I was like, that can't be both trees. We have the most people per mile and the most trees per mile? Are we double counting? Are we counting people as trees and trees as people?

Elliott, we ask all of our guests

Have you ever ran into the Jersey Devil?

I've never ran into the Jersey Devil. I mean, I've been around the garden when the New Jersey Devils are playing the Rangers there. I've never seen the Jersey Devil, but I certainly grew up wanting to, wondering. I heard all the stories. It's a baby that was malformed and flew off into the night. It's a kangaroo that escaped from a sideshow. I've heard all the stories, and I've come to the conclusion that it's not real.

It's just not there.

Now when I was a kid, I wanted to believe in every made-up thing, so like the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot and aliens and things like that. And it was a sad moment when I was probably about 26 when I was like, you know what, I can't fake it anymore. I just don't. I don't really believe these things are around.

Held on longer than I would have thought when the story started.

My cousin texted me like a week ago and her son finally asked about Santa and was like, hey, is Santa real? And she was like, no. And then he was going down the line of like Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny. And then he looked out the window and saw the mailman and went, is he real? Like it completely gave him an existential crisis.

What can I take for granted? Am I real? Am I just a story my parents tell me?

Adal, when you were talking about the Jersey Devil, you were talking about, let's see, Google some famous people from New Jersey. Nathan Lane. Meryl Streep.

Pretty sure she's from New Jersey.

Let me look, I don't know. Probably. It doesn't say it on here.

The town next to where I grew up, there was a diner there, and they shot a scene for the movie One True Thing with Meryl Streep there. And for many years, there was a Post-It note on the wall above the booth that they shot it in that just said, One True Thing booth. They never bothered to make a sign. It was just a post-it note. It was up there for years. And then one day, I was there and it was not there anymore. And I don't know if it fell down or what, but they cared enough to mention it, but not enough to, like, memorialize it, you know. That's outstanding.

I'm not really a person who wants to steal something, but I would steal that so quickly.

That post-it note?

That post-it note. I'd be like, this is hilarious. This is mine now. I'm putting this in my purse.

That was at the Maple Leaf Diner in Maple Leaf, New Jersey.

No, I don't see Meryl Streep. I do see Martha Stewart from New Jersey. Elliott's old boss, John Stewart from New Jersey. John Stewart.

I mean, it was a huge – people ask me – I've been asked many times, what is – do you ever feel like you had kind of entitlements or a leg up? Do you have an unfair advantage in your career? And they usually want me to say as a white person, which is true. But it's like, yeah, well, I spent a lot of years working for a Jewish guy from New Jersey, and I'm also a Jewish guy from New Jersey. And for a while, my other boss on that show was a Jewish guy from the same town over in New Jersey where the Maple Leaf Diner is.

Oh, he's from that booth.

He was born in that booth, yeah. That was the old Post-it Note. He's from New Jersey and it really helped me a lot because when he would speak like a New Jersey person, which is to say without using proper words for things and instead just saying like, this, or the thing, or that thing, I could understand what he was talking about.

Now Elliott, here's a riddle just for you. John Stewart was your boss. Yes. Both from New Jersey.

If you're from New Jersey. If this is derogatory to him, I will not accept it. He's done, he did a lot for me and I owe him a much, you know.

That changes what I was going to say. No, he's from New Jersey. John Stewart was your boss. Yes. But to see if you're truly from New Jersey, who is both your boss and John Stewart's boss?

Well, there's really only one boss in New Jersey. The boss.

John Bon Jovi. No, no, not at all. John Bon Jovi. John Bon Jovi is more like the assistant manager.

I think I heard Bruce Springsteen in there.

I heard John Bon Jovi.

Why don't we take a quick break? We're going to listen to Slippery When Wet and we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. Okay, looking for clues, looking for clues. Sorry, JPC, can I just lift up your foot here? Okay, nothing there.

Oh, yeah. I've got a little captain in me, you know? That's what I do when people lift up one of my feet.

I like your pirate outfit. Erin, let me look in your ear with this magnifying glass. Sorry, I'm just looking for hidden fees. Empty? Well, not empty, Erin. Not empty. Gorgeous brain in there. Thank you. I'm looking for clues for where my money is going. I just feel like a lot of my money is just sort of disappearing.

Oh yeah, you'll like sign up for a subscription service, then you'll forget about it, and then all of a sudden you're $300 down the drain. Exactly.

So you know about this.

Adal, if you're looking for where your money's going, don't look at Erin's head. Unless you're paying for her haircuts, because am I right, guys? I mean, it's like a different haircut every time I see her with this woman. You should get Rocket Money, which is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Yeah, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features, which is about what I'm losing.

Mm-hmm.

And Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. They automatically scan your bills to find you opportunities to save, then you can ask them to negotiate for you. They'll deal with customer service so you don't have to. It's like having a little assistant in your pocket.

Speaking of little assistant, Erin, you do have a bug in your brain that seems to have a little typewriter.

Oh, yeah, that's Maureen. She's fine.

I didn't know Maureen had left my brain. Hold on, going into my brain, seeing a note from Maureen. Okay, gonna read this, gonna try not to cry during an Adderine.

Impossible!

It's emotional! I hope I'm asleep.

Guys, it can't be canon that we all had the same bug living in our brain. Anyways, you can get alerts if bills increase in price, if there's unusual spending activity, or if you're close to going over budget.

That's right, sweethearts. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash Riddle today. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. But take it from me, Maureen.

The Tango, Maureen. In case, do we have the rights to that? Do we have the rights to that?

I can't believe we all had the same bug living in our brain at different times. Yeah.

We like her, she's nice.

I'm It's tough, my family is a big Bruce Springsteen, I'm actually the least Bruce Springsteen-y in my family, and my dad is a huge Springsteen fan, my brother is a huge, my brother has flown to Iceland to see Bruce Springsteen, someone he's seen multiple times in concert before in New Jersey, so it's, they're really, they'll go all out for Bruce Springsteen.

I saw, um, he did a Broadway show, maybe like 2018 or something? Yeah, my brother saw that, yeah. It was so, so good. That was amazing. Do you remember, I can't remember the name of it, but I saw it with, um, with, uh... Phantom. What was it? The Phantom. The Phantom, yes.

Oh yeah, he used the Phantom. I would, I would pay $700 for the tickets to see that.

Hey Riddle Riddle

Hey Riddle

Now all I want to do is Broadway shows as Bruce Springsteen. Oh, well, the river was the river. Cats so clever as... You know.

I've never... My heart just exploded in my chest. You went right to cats. You went right to cats. One day more. How does a bastard orphaned son of a whore... We will afterwards we'll have you stick around for 6 to 12 hours and we'll record Springsteen sings Broadway

So on my other podcast, The Flophouse, I did do an entire episode, a mini-episode, where I was playing a character I routinely play on that show, which is Tom Brokaw, world's greatest Dune fan. This is a character I've been doing for years and years now, long before the movie, that Tom Brokaw, all he cares about is Dune. And we did one where he's pitching his adaptation of Fiddler on the Roof, but it's all dune-themed, and I wrote a bunch of Fiddler on the Roof songs about dune. And I remember one night, I was sitting with my wife preparing for this, and I couldn't stop thinking of them. I kept running over to my computer to write them down, and I was like, it writes itself! And my wife was like, I don't think it does. I really don't think it does write itself.

How deep into Dune lore were you going with this character? Are we going into where his kids started writing the books and you're doing the necks?

So Tom Brokaw, this is my version of Tom Brokaw again, not the real Tom Brokaw, or maybe it is, he loves those original Frank Herbert books. He's read them so much. At times, he's spoken on the podcast about how Hosting the Nightly News was kind of the anchor that kept him from just losing himself in that world of Arrakis and just making that the real world for him that he lived in. The books that his son wrote, he doesn't consider those completely canon. You know, they conflict with his headcanon a little bit. But his knowledge of Dune is much greater than my knowledge of Dune. As someone who has read the first couple books, read the first book probably six times, I love it. But each time I try to push forward through the rest of the series, I lose I'm Can we hear Bruce Springsteen doing the dune sound?

I want to know what some of your Fiddler on the Roof dude songs were. Do you remember any of them?

I'll have to look up the lyrics. If I were a Spice Man? You know what, I'm going to look up the lyrics while we're talking. Please, thank you so much. Before I do that, I'm also going to say there's one more Bruce Springsteen musical song I want to do. There's another hundred people just got off the train.

Oh very quickly I want to say, so I went and saw this Springsteen on Broadway and at one point he mentioned New Jersey. It's like the first time in the show he mentions New Jersey and it's maybe 20 minutes in. And as soon as he mentions Jersey, you know, it's a house of 1,200 people. We'll say 800 people like scream and go woo and yeah yeah yeah whatever. And then Springsteen goes, You know, I invented that shit. And people are kind of laughing. He goes, I'm serious. He goes, before when you mentioned Jersey, people would boo or hiss. He goes, I made Jersey cool. And then everyone screamed and yelled. And I'm like, I think he really did. I think he brought like a Jersey pride where before it was maybe Frankie Valli had something to do with it.

I think there's there's a I mean there's there's a New Jersey was always has always been a punch a lot New Jersey is kind of like um it's up there with like the Bronx in some ways we're like you in like the 40s if you if you have a joke and you want it you like mention one of those two things people are like I know that that's funny that's a ridiculous place but but he yeah he did make it cool the weird thing is so he made it cool this is something that that Jon Stewart would talk about like he made it cool by Really quick, I remember as I grew up in Massachusetts, and I remember as a kid growing up, the joke that people would tell was New Jersey welcoming you with open legs. And I was like, are we calling a state slutty?

Are we implying that New Jersey is slutty?

I've never understood that joke.

That's so funny. I'm so excited for these dune.

We're always like, you know, Buzz Aldrin is from here. You know, there's important people here.

He went about so bad he went to space. Went to the moon to get away from here.

Tried to get as far away as possible.

These are all so dumb. Let's see.

Reading over something that you've written and being like, oh, wait a second, I've made a horrible mistake.

Except at the time, I loved them. At the time, I loved them. But out of context, not as the... So here's the thing. I also performed these to annoy my co-hosts. I don't want to annoy you, you nice people. But this is... I'll do the beginning of this part here. This is just the beginning of the play.

So excited.

So the name of the play is A Balisette Player on the Siege. You can also call it Fiddler on the Dune. I'm not going to do it in my Tom Brokaw voice because I'm getting over a flu and I can't do it anymore. Okay, so... That'll do it as if I'm Javier Bardem being Stilgar being Tevye.

Yes, please. Yes, please. Yeah, the easier route. Go easier.

Less work.

A balisette player on the sietch? Sounds crazy, no? But you could say that each of us in our city of Arakeen is a balisette player on the sietch, trying to eke out a simple rendition of the prophecy, without being swallowed by the maw of Shai-Hulud. Why do we stay here? We stay because, after a lifetime on Arrakis, we are addicted to air that contains the spice melange. But how do we keep our balance? That I can answer in one word. Because we're Fremen! We're Fremen! We're Fremen!

That goes on for a little bit.

We're Fremen! Then there's more spoken word stuff. We'll skip that. Actually, I'll say this part. Now you've gotten me. There's no way. I'm not stopping. Our knowledge that the Kwisatz Haderach is coming has allowed us to keep our balance for many years. Because of the prophecy, we always know how to do everything. How to walk on sand, how to suck water out of the bodies of our enemies, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always wear our steel suits. This shows our constant devotion to not wasting our urine. You may ask, when is the Kwisatz Haderach coming? I'll tell you. I don't know. But the jen- but the jen- but the Bene Gesserit tell us he is, and that we better be ready for him! Who, day and night, must ride on all the sandworms, calibrate the thumpers, say his daily prayers, and who has the right, as master of the siege, to speak at the Southern Council? The Stilgar!

The Stilgar!

Then there's a verse about the Bene Gesserits. I'll go through the end of this one. Hold on, I'll go through the end of this one. This song is not that long. Who must know the way to spread a prophecy? For centuries, we Bene G's. Who must use the voice to silence blasphemy? So Paul is free to be the Haderach. Bum, bum, bum. Reverend Mother! At three I lived on Caledon, as a teen I came to Dune. I hear I'll spark a bloody jihad, I hope I don't. Maldive!

Maldive! I have the demographic for this. This is right in the pocket for me.

Thank you, good. The instigator goes, the ways of the Fremen, without them we'd be as shaky as... As a ballet set player on the seatch! And then if this was the movie, it would immediately pan to the Fiddler on the Roof silhouetted, and he would go... And the credits would go on for about seven minutes. And that's why we always fast forward through the credits to get to the rest of the movie. This is Multiple times a year, but we always watch the first half at Rosh Hashanah, the happy half. And then right as I know there's the exact moment when you see the close-up of the rabbi dancing at the wedding, you got to stop it right there. So you don't see any of the Cossacks coming. And then you save that second half for Yom Kippur. And that's when you watch the sad half.

That's perfect.

That's when they sing the sad songs. Yeah.

What's your favorite song from the show?

My favorite Welcome to Okay, good. This is, so, um, the, uh, so, How Far From the Home I Love, I, that was for the, uh, for the scene where he's tested by the Reverend Mother at the very beginning of the book, and, uh, I just, I just read that book aloud, that scene aloud to my older son not too long ago, and I was, I was very excited. He goes, so this is my version of it. How can I hope to make you understand? Don't you move your right hand. Keep it in that small box or I will land on your neck with my gum jabbar. It goes on like that for a little bit. That's so funny. It's one of the, it's such a, it's such a, it's such a great show. Like it's such a great, the actual Fiddler, not my dumb version.

Well, I think we need to see your version at the La Jolla Playhouse or something soon.

I would love it. If you can book me at the La Jolla Playhouse, do it by one man. Tom Brokaw sings Fiddler on the Dune for one night only.

I would be in the front row.

I think the thing that I like most about Fiddler on the Roof being combined with Dune is if you got deep enough into Frank Herbert's Dune books, which I don't advise that you do, he does eventually bring like Jews into his books.

This is why I've always been kind of trying to chase to finish the series because I know they show up and I want to see how he handles Jews in the future, you know.

Thanks for watching!

That's how it happens. That's what's going on. As long as he handles Jews better than J.K. Rowling handles them where she makes them goblins that run a magic bank. But, Elliott, you have to admit, she handles the Chinese very well.

We'll see you next time.

New Jersey's own Frank Ker- I don't know where he's from. At some point, Elliott, I realized when I was on The Flophouse, you, I want to say you sang as Randy Newman for 20 minutes. I don't know about 20 minutes, but for a while, yeah. But it was amazing. But I'm like, I'm like, I think I've heard Elliott sing more than I've heard him talk.

It's possible, I mean, I love to sing, but just like that old song from a cartoon, I love to sing, I love the Luna and the Juna and the Springer. But yeah, because Randy Newman's easy because he just sounds like he's swallowing his own tongue the entire time. He's kind of like Bruce Springsteen, but Bruce Springsteen was kind of jaunty, you know?

I like to sing a song during COVID because it was stuck in my head and I couldn't remember what it was. And I looked it up on YouTube and I remember one of the comments being like, wow, this guy really likes to sing. And it made me laugh for like three weeks.

I'm going to read the next riddle just very, very quickly, just for Elliott as a tip of the hat to Elliott. I do have to say, What does a dog do that a man wears? Pants. It is pants. Pants. Okay, let's talk about musicals.

Let's dive back in.

I'm just saying women can wear what a dog does also, you know. Yes. It's like when I was a kid, I was born just long ago enough that I could still enjoy the the doctor was a woman riddle.

Yes.

That was still something that shocked people and now it's not, it doesn't work anymore.

Well, our theme song is a bunch of, it's a list of all of those common riddles. And the first one is the doctor was the mother.

Yeah, it's it's one that I remember that was a real it was a real surpriser. But now it's now that now that women have overtaken men rightfully in professional intelligence. It's no longer seems strange. What?

Erin, is that true? Yeah, sorry. But men could be doctors too. That's okay.

Don't say that, Erin.

That makes me feel bad that I didn't make it as a doctor.

Dr. J, the rest. What letter comes next in this sequence? D, R. M-F-S-L-T, and then blank. S-L-T, what are we talking about, New Jersey? Salt Lake City.

No, it's lovely. New Jersey is so beautiful. And great seafood, underrated.

Okay, Erin, sluts can be beautiful, what the fuck are you talking about?

A valuable place to winter your revolutionary soldiers, if you need to.

Yes, that's true, that's true.

Grounds for sculpture, beautiful place.

Can you read that again, Adal? I'm so sorry. Just the letters.

What letter comes next in the sequence D-R-M-F-S-L-T and then blank? And I will say the reason I'm reading this riddle is because it pertains perhaps or tethers to something we were doing not too long ago.

Bruce Springsteen impressions?

cocaine but didn't you say don't talk about that? Don't talk about it. DRMFSLT. And this last one I believe completes it. So we were singing, so I'll say this does relate to singing.

Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, di. Di is next.

D as in dough. Yes, the letters represent notes on a musical scale.

The last one is D for dough. I could not shake. D for drive, R for reverse. No matter how much I told my head, there's no M. There's no F on any of those.

I do want to see a scene. Erin and Elliott, you are a married couple that teaches driver's ed. JPC, you are the one student who's enrolled in this class. And you two teach driver's ed through song, to whatever degree you're comfortable.

Hmm. Buckle your seatbelt, look in the mirror, make sure you can see all the mirrors. Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. We just got into a really big fight before we got in the car. Just give us one sec.

We can we can be professional. We can be professional about this.

I can. I can be professional about this.

Let's review the gear change order.

Oh, what will I need? Will I need that? Because this is is it? Isn't this an automatic or

You never know what you're gonna dro- I'm sorry, no, I'm just singing everything and I can't, no. It's fine, it's fine. I was fine, and then you mentioned what happened before and then I wasn't fine.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Take off your wedding ring, leave it on the nightstand, then your co-worker won't know you're married. Sorry, sorry, I'm just singing what's in my head.

You're gripping my hand really, really hard. Am I? Your nails are kind of clawing into the back of my hand.

I'm sorry. Why don't we change? Honey, you get in the back seat. I'll get in the front seat.

Okay, so call me honey. I guess that's nice. That's nice. Okay.

You make one mistake, multiple times, over the course of years, and it's- and no, no, someone can't let go. Here, here, here.

I can pull over. You guys don't have to do this while I'm driving.

No, no, no, keep driving. Keep driving.

Oh, I really just don't feel comfortable. I should just pull over.

If we reach a curve, just don't turn. Just go straight. Just go straight.

Okay, just keep going straight? Okay.

Just keep going straight. We'll outrun this. We'll outrun something. You know, I'll be able to outrun something in my life. Just keep going. Just keep going. Okay.

No, yeah, okay, yeah, okay.

Honey, you can get out of this car. Let's pretend this car is our marriage. You can get out anytime you want to, but I'm not slowing down.

I'll get hurt. We're going like 60 miles per hour.

Oh, are we? Sorry, I have no idea. Is this too much? No, keep going. Keep going.

Faster. Faster? Put your beaker on when you change lanes. Oh my God.

We're allowed to go a little bit above the limit.

Die with broken heroes and a lesbian's family.

Randy.

Randy. Come on.

Every driver's ed teacher I had in Boston was the most cartoonish Boston person ever. They all had like the thickest Boston accents and were like drinking iced Dunkin' Donuts coffee in the middle of winter. Just so mad at me the whole time.

Now Erin, does a Bostonian driver's ed teacher, do they avoid saying the word park or park the car because they don't want to get laughed at? No, they lean in. Okay.

They only make you practice in Harvard Yard.

Yeah.

It's the only place.

Exactly. Adal, that last riddle reminded me, I just got back from seeing my wife's family for the holidays and we were hanging out with my brother-in-law and he was telling us about how he had Invented, I think he used the word invented which is not the word I would have used, a new way to order the alphabet because he didn't think that the alphabet made sense in the order that it was in which is a thing to be fair I've never thought about.

I think other people have tried that.

And he showed us his reordering of the alphabet, and he began to say what his reasoning was, and his reasoning collapsed ten letters into the alphabet. But it started with, he was doing it by strokes, like how many strokes it took to write letters. So it was like, it starts with I, and then it goes to L, and then it goes to T, and then it goes to J. And from there, it just became untenable. We were singing for the whole weekend, we were singing, now I know my I.L.T.s. And now that's all, that's all, whenever, when you were like listing letters off, I was like, now I know my I.L.T.s.

I love it when, it feels like that's a deep human need to take an arbitrary system that everyone's agreed on, and be like, this needs to be done, more scientifically, and then come up with a different arbitrary way to do it. Yeah, it's like with um, they're like, anytime someone's tried to create a universal language where they're like, the great thing about this language is anyone can learn it, and it's easy to use. And it's like, well, I mean, you can say that really about any language, put the time into it, like it's, you still have to learn it.

There are real problems we could be solving with that brain power.

What are we doing? I do appreciate the impulse, though, to see something that is arbitrary and think like, oh, that's arbitrary. Because that is the thing that does channel us to solving societal problems, but it's also the thing that channels us into nonsense. Like, you've wasted a day. You've made nothing. This is nothing.

Sorry. It turns out my shelf didn't need to be organized by the color of the spine of the book. Alright. That was a day wasted.

Someone could apply that to gun violence and be like, okay, you actually did a really good job. You did somehow fix this, but this is just a fucked up alphabet. This is nothing.

This is just a fucked up alphabet. Speaking of a fucked up alphabet, when is L larger than XL?

When is L larger than XL?

Yeah. Is it really? Yeah, XL would be L-10. Yeah. Yes, because it's on the left side.

This is Super Bowl football stuff, so I don't know anything about this.

I like how you stumbled into the answer that I never was gonna get, but then I could back it up and explain it.

Yes.

I feel like that's, you were the genius that has an insight, and then I'm the mediocre mind that comes later that's like, mm, here's the math that proves that Einstein's right.

I feel like I can get like X, I, and V, Roman numerals, easy. But when you start working with L, I'm like, okay, there were that many Romans? I think not.

When the Super Bowls had to start using L, it did make it seem less classy. It was very classy when it was Roman numerals. And then once the L came in, I was like, oh, now it looks silly.

It is funny that they're like, football is the most like, Hey Riddle Riddle.

By the time we were playing football, we had 50.

Now, very good job, JBC. Elliott, I'm a little disappointed because I believe you hosted a podcast called iClaudius.

I host a podcast called iPodius that was about the show iClaudius. That's true. No, you're right. I should have, and I did a lot of research about ancient Rome at the time and everything. Ugh, what a show. I said Fiddler on the Roof was the greatest show. It's the greatest Broadway musical. iClaudius, great miniseries. Wonderful miniseries. I did that, yeah. John Hodgman and I, we watched every episode and then talked about them.

Which one is iClaudius? Is that the HBO one?

He lives in Maine a lot of the time. iClaudius was a BBC miniseries in the 70s. And it is... The sets and the costumes look so cheap. It is so... At times it feels like you're watching just like filmed community theater, except for the fact that the writing and the acting is some of the greatest that television has ever had. The writing is amazing. The first episode is a little clunky because there's a lot of history that they have to get out. But there's a scene In What and he's on camera the whole time was listening to a monologue from another character who is speaking to him about why they have killed they're revealing this is why I killed you and the re and his face is almost still the whole time and at the same time you know everything he's feeling and you can pinpoint the moment he dies like the actor somehow is able to make the light go out of his eyes and he dies that moment and like the um Sean Phillips, who plays Livia, the main female character, who's always poisoning people left and right so that her son can become Roman Emperor. She's so amazing in it. It's an amazing movie, and you just have to sit through the fact that it takes place in three different rooms that have been rearranged slightly.

I do hate to do this, because I hate to burst anyone's bubble, because obviously it seems like you like this show, but in the 1970s they didn't have the same laws, so they would just kill a lot of the actors.

What? I do want to see a scene. Based off this, I do want to see a scene. What? All three of you, JPC, Erin, and Elliott, the three of you are Romans, and this is like evening time. The three of you are at some sort of watering hole, public gathering, whatever it might be, and you've just heard news that Brutus has murdered Caesar, and you're just sort of unpacking this information. Yikes.

Yikes. It is unseasonably hot.

I could get a towel. A towel's for sale. A whole towel's for sale. Uh, we're good, Palladius. We're good. We're good. We're good. We're good.

We're good. We're good.

That's a Palladius. Watch Palladius' kid. Palladius the Younger. He is... not doing well.

I don't think anybody is right now.

Wait, sorry. I feel like I'm just processing the news. What did that little kid that was coming up and said, hear ye, hear ye say? What did he say?

Wait, are we talking about Palladius?

No, no, before that.

No, no, the news kid? Newsius? Newsius. Newsius, that's right. Oh, yeah, I mean, he said Brutus killed Caesar.

That can't be right.

He may have said that Caesar died brutally. Honestly, I feel like the headlines, they're going for too much zazz and it loses the message, you know?

That's so true. That's so true. But that couldn't possibly happen because we check for knives when we greet each other with our arms.

Yeah, that's why we that's why we grab each other's arms and shake it so but forcefully but I get I don't I mean they were so close they were so close that maybe you didn't check but the same time why would he do it they were so close you know what I think we need to do I think we need a better system to check for knives

I think we need to do like, oh, totally, totally.

Like we all have towels.

I was talking to my friend T.S. Adias, and he was saying that if we take our the back of our hands and run it down the front of the legs and then across the crotch. T.S.

Adias is a real pervert. He loves to yell at people real early in the morning.

We'll see you next time. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you know what? Caesar's dead now. So what does it matter? Right? Like he's, he's, that was the one guy we didn't want.

Which is so crazy. The thing is, like, I want it every day I get up and I'm like, can't someone just kill Caesar already? Like, can't they just but now that happened, like, it feels weird. You know, it's like the, it feels like the, the, the world got pulled out from beneath me, which can happen since it's not round.

Yes, exactly. You guys were also saying the same thing about like, kill Caesar? Like, because I was secretly kind of like on the download, like, God, I wish somebody would kill Caesar.

Yeah, I think we were all I mean, we can't you couldn't say that loud. But you could think I mean, you never want to wish death on anybody. But of course, of course, of course, of course, like really sick.

Well, maybe Palladius.

Yeah, maybe Palladius. Oh, hi, Palladius. Hey, Palladius. Hey, guys.

Anyone want towels?

No, still no.

No, we're all good. There's sopping wet Palladius. This is the wettest towel we've ever seen. Did you hear about Caesar?

Yeah, we just heard.

Yeah, he beat Brutus in a game of Battleship. Yeah.

Oh. He too, Brute.

Oh, okay. Sunk his Battleship. Very good, Peladius.

See, see, see. Adal, no.

No, not good. No, Adal. Little old me was sitting here being like, oh, I have a joke, but the scene, and then you guys called me in. Called you back in. I was like, you fuckers messed up.

the show. Differing expectations for Caesar's appearance at the Senate. Neither borne out. You know, like some kind of vague thing we were like, what are you even telling me?

How do I parse through this? Elliott, thank you so much for coming on our Riddle Show. Let us know again about your Riddle Show and anything else you want to plug or promote.

You got it. This is great plugging time. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much for having me. This is so much fun. I'm so excited to do it. And it was, let's see. So I'd love to plug SmartList Presents Clueless. It's a new puzzle podcast. I host it. Sean Hayes is the contestant every single episode with a special guest of his, a friend or a family member. The first episode, it's him and the other two smartless guys, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett, and it should be a really fun, funny show, and the episodes are like 10 to 12 minutes long. They're super short. Whoa, that's amazing. So it's something you can eat. It's a popcorn-sized snack of a podcast. I've got my main podcast, the Flophouse podcast, where we talk about bad movies. I've been doing that for almost 17 years now, and I'm gonna keep doing it, I think, till I die. I'm just gonna do it for a long time. Yeah. And other things as well. Maybe the movies will get better. No, no, they only get... It's kind of like this in Days and Confused when Matt McConaughey's like, I get older and the girls stay the same age. We keep doing it and the movies stay bad. And just a few other small things. I'm writing the monthly Harley Quinn comic book from DC Comics. So pick that up. It comes out once a month on Wednesdays. And I'll be writing that for a little bit while. I have a children's picture book coming out next year. called Sadie Mouse Wrecks the House. I had a couple other children's picture books out, but this is a new one. And I actually have some other stuff coming out later next year, but so far in the future, no one will remember by the time they listen to this. But maybe I can come back sometime and promote some more stuff.

Yes, please. And of course, you'll be also on our Springsteen on Broadway Patreon, which we're recording in a little bit here. We've got to do it. Definitely. We've got to do it for sure. Okay, Adal, anything to plug? Actually, yes, in fact, I do have something to plug, which is the three of us and our fourth host, Janet Varney, will be at SketchFest Saturday, January 18th from 4 p.m. to 5.30 p.m. at Gateway Theater in San Francisco. So if you're in the area, please see us, Hey Riddle Riddle, live with Janet Varney, Saturday, January 18th, 4 p.m. Gateway Theater. Erin Keif, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Um, yeah, I host a monthly show in Los Angeles at the Lyric Theater called Quality Time. So if you want to go follow that on Instagram or message me to get maybe a comp ticket to come see us. It's a true variety show. We've had a high school history teacher come in and teach us a quick lesson. We had carolers last month. in our Christmas show so like just come in and enjoy. Oh come and enjoy. That show it's I'm really proud of it. JPC anything to plug?

Yeah, I got something to plug you. Speaking of shows that you can come watch, you can come watch World News Tonight, Saturday nights at the Iowa Theater in Chicago. New start time, we're now starting at 7.30. We're 7.30 in the New Year's. So it's, God, so many years of me saying that the show is at 8 o'clock. Casey, would it be too much if you go back to all the previous episodes where I said that the show was at 8 o'clock and let people know that the show is at 7.30? Thank you, Casey. Thank you, Casey. Thank you, Casey. No. Well, anyway, that's all I have to plug.

Of course, Bruce Springsteen, from New Jersey, but famously was hatched from an egg that was shot here from another planet.

Is that true?

Yeah, that's what I'm seeing on Wikipedia. Oh, sorry. That's what I'm seeing, yeah. This is psychopedia.

JPC, congratulations! Your website got off the ground. Jupiter!

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