Which Riddle Riddle?

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You there! Boy, what day is today? I'm showering! Which boy? Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh my god. Uh, hey Adal, Janet, GPC. Which boy? Uh, guys, can you just- I just talked to me really quick. I just accidentally- it's fine. Um, guys, Merry Christmas.

You just barged into that hotel room, Erin.

What's wrong with you?

Merry Christmas, guys. And to each and every all good men and women, Christmas Goose! Thanks Janet!

And Merry Christmas to you too, buddy!

And Merry Goose to you, Adal, you silly!

Ugh, everybody, this is Part 2 of our end-of-year Best Of episodes. What did everyone think of Part 1? Don't tell me. It'll hurt my feelings. I spent so many hours on it. You guys, this is weird.

We're standing outside waiting to carol at someone's house. Why are we also recording an intro to Best Of 2?

Oh yeah, let me, um... It's called habit stacking.

Let me knock on the door here. That's so 2024. Hello? What's all this? Who are you? What's this?

I saw three simps come sailing in on Christmas day, on Christmas day. We should rehearse. We should have talked about this. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, guys. This is another week of all pig orgasm sounds. But you knew which show you were listening to. I'm not gonna apologize for anything. I never do. No, why would you? Everybody, what was your favorite moment from 2024 Hey Riddle Riddle?

Can I close my door?

No, you're equal parts of this now, sir. What was everyone's favorite moment of Hey Riddle Riddle, either main feed or Patreon in 2024? Because we got some Patreon content on this episode as well.

I'd love to hear first from the naked guy with the open robe.

Uh, well, this is going to sound crazy. I was visited by three ghosts last night.

We don't have time for this. We're trying to talk about our show.

Okay. Very good. Honestly, though, that does sound like every Hey Riddle Riddle scene. Right? Right? This guy knows. This guy gets it. By the way, dynamite dog. Oh, my dog? Yep.

I entered it in the Westminster Dong Show. Is that something? Am I a host now?

This is not on par with the rest of the content in this episode. You guys, it gets better from here. Actually, does it?

No.

This is laterally from here. Honey, come here. I'm crushing on a podcast. No? Oh, I forgot my wife died. Welp, I'm gonna shut the door. Oh boy.

What do you mean, welp? Guys, this year had all the most iconic parts.

Deck the halls with hay, riddle riddle, fa la la la la, la la.

The door's closed. You don't have to do it when the door opens and closes, just when it opens.

We had JPC playing a video montage. I had a meltdown about a sugar riddle. There were monkeys on a jury. JPC was horny as a duck. Adal was a bean on a spaceship.

That can't be right.

The tune of 15.

This sounds completely made up, Erin.

And this is all real stuff.

Uncle Mumbo's haunted mansion, penguin, baseball, and other things.

And next year we promise to do better and I know we keep saying that and I know it's a lie but next year will be better than 2024 but this is what this is.

Better? 50% more pig orgasms! Yay!

Sorry, sorry. I know that no one likes to hear that, but we do. So, well, you know, so many memories. Such a great, fun year, and I'm glad I got to spend it with my three favorite co-hosts and Casey as well. It was truly a pleasure.

And Casey, what do you... Anything you want to say, Casey?

Sorry, I was just listening to Better Podcasts and my other headphones. Wow. Did you guys need me for anything?

And I get that, bud. Wow.

No, go back to listening to Gutter, Casey. Whatever. You work on both shows, you could make ours good too. That's always an option for you.

Well, we're going to go have a Christmas feast with Wildstyle, the horny penguin. But we hope you have a blessed day and a blessed New Year.

And Teenie Janet, did you want to send us off with a hopeful message?

Teenie Janet? Oh, like something about San Francisco Sketch Fest?

Yeah, sort of like a Tiny Tim character, but I figured I'd call you Teeny Janet, just so the Dickens estate doesn't sue.

Got it. If you rip open this Christmas goose, you'll find Hey Riddle Riddle at SFSketchfest, covered in goose innards at the Gateway Theatre at 4 p.m. Saturday, January 18th for two gold pieces.

Well, that's actually a lot. I believe it's probably $36 an ounce.

It's an expensive city.

This is a ripped up goose too.

Inflation, am I right?

Don't worry about it because the goose is cooked and destroyed, but JPC made his special holiday hot cocoa. Again, did not have any of the ingredients for cocoa, but I used everything that is the same color.

So it should taste Diet Coke and... Well, we're going to get out of here, but enjoy the episode and thank you so much for sticking by us. We appreciate it so much. Happy everything. Oh, hold on. You have to be this tall to host an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh, come on, lady. Let us host. Come on. No, I'm so sorry. You've got to be at least this tall.

Oh, we understand. Can I talk to you for a second? Me? Yeah, yeah. Me? No, Adal, look, there's an interesting bird. Oh. So my buddy Adal just got hit with a shrink ray because he was mouthing off to a scientist again. And it's temporary. The scientist explained this is for 48 hours just so he learns his lesson. But we only had today to come to the amusement park. Could you just do us a solid? He's normally like 6'2", 6'1", at least 6'1". Let's call it, he's over six foot, because we don't want to get into specifics, but he's normally like, he's normally weight. Could we at least just for today, just ride the podcast? Yeah, a couple of things.

First of all, I get excuses like this all the time, and I can't like make an exception every time. And also it's more of like a safety issue. Like if you're so itty bitty like that, you can get really, really hurt in some of the Hey Riddle Riddle scenes, and some of the riddles could crush you. So it's more of like a safety concern, like he could die.

Yeah, could we sign a waiver? Because he doesn't, I think, care if he lives or dies. That's kind of the way he operates and lives his life. Is there like a waiver we could sign?

If I'm being totally honest with you, yes, there's a waiver you can sign, but if he dies and he gets squooshed by a riddle or by a really funny joke or pun, then like I have to clean up that mess.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It wasn't a bird.

It was a squirrel trapped in a plastic bag. Sort of the same thing though, huh? Yeah. I can recommend some other podcasts you could ride today.

Hold on. You didn't take that squirrel out of the bag, did you?

Yeah. Why?

Because that was probably a science experiment. You probably just pissed off another scientist. If you get zapped with another shrink ray, Adal, it could be too small for me to even find.

That Dr. Chameleon really hates me. Yeah, there's some other podcasts you can ride. Oh, okay. Erin, can I ride an emotional roller coaster?

Am I tall enough to go on an emotional roller coaster? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'm not in charge of that ride. You'll have to talk to the person.

And just who is it? And who would be the person?

Is it like Angela Bassett? It's Angela Bassett. Exactly. Thank you for doing the work.

I would love to talk to Angela Bassett.

Yeah sorry it's just you can't I mean like other podcasts like you don't even have to sign a waiver like with Comptown you could just go on if you're totally sure.

I don't know that that's still a podcast. Is it? I think it's been like five years since it's been about podcasts.

I know but it is the funniest podcast reference to make and I stand by that.

Yes for sure and we'll learn one reference from 2018 and we'll never learn another one.

I don't know if you two mind, but instead of recording Hey Riddle Riddle today, I want to say the Bad News Gang? Is that what they're called? They invited me on their podcast, so, um, let's... What do you think, boys? Let's lay it down.

Yeah, why not? See you later, suckers. The Bad News Gang... Ow! Ooh, I hit my shin! Oh no!

Oh no, the Bad News Gang can't record.

No, you guys can take them. You guys can go. You guys can all go.

No, no. Now we don't want him. Something's wrong with him.

You started talking like them so quickly.

No, that's not me. That's... Oh!

Oh, similar voice, huh?

Yeah, it's the same voice. Similar voice, similar dress, similar face. Well, let's not dig too deep into this. You guys get the fuck out of here.

Alright, but we'll be back if you say our names.

I truly hope not.

Anytime you say, Bad News Gang, we'll, we'll, we'll!

No, get out of here!

Ow!

So, uh, I guess just one then? One for the podcast? Great. If flying cost $100 and it was mostly fine, people wouldn't be upset. But it's so expensive and they treat you like you're a fucking asshole every time you go on a plane. And it's not their fault. It's not like the malicious pilot is like, I'm going to fuck with someone's day. It's the airline. The airline treats you like you are scum of the earth. And they will exist whether or not you fly or not. And they were like, I'll piss you off. What are you going to do? Not fly? How the fuck are you going to get to Atlanta, dumbass? It was funny, there's several passengers who, once we were told to get off the plane and like standing there waiting for several hours, there were many people who were like, alright, fuck this, I'm gone, or like, I refuse, even if they board the plane, I'm not getting on this fucking plane.

Half an hour later, quietly board the plane. Speak first, feathers and all.

I'd like to see a scene. Okay. JPC, you are a priest and you're in the middle of addressing the church and an earthquake hits. Now, what does that story mean for us today? You know, the Bible is full of these allegories that we can replace into our own lives. So, take my life for instance. You know, priests, we are famously celibate. Still everyone, still, everyone still!

What's going on? What's going on? Is he coming? What's going on? What's going on?

I think, I think that there was an earthquake. What? What it could have been, because what I was talking about was God saying, Maybe priests don't have to be celibate. That was what he was saying. I'm sorry, I misspoke.

I think we just live in California.

Yeah, it's just a... Silence!

Witch! Witch! That's a witch. We all saw me call that witch. Ow, my arm! Ow, they're getting me out of here! Get her out of here. Why are you twisting her arm? Get her out of here. And they shall speak with their forked tongues. Unless, was she single? She was married? Okay, get her out of here. Okay, so... New thing happening at church today. Father Michael's gonna come down into the congregation. Everyone have their hands up. Wedding ring check. Do a wedding ring check for the congregation.

Father Michael, maybe you're just horny and you're kind of looking for a sign. You kind of did this last week when a bird flew in here.

That bird was a dove, by the way. A morning dove.

Yeah, and you said a dove is a God's reminder of peace and therefore you think priests should get a piece of ass?

No men talk for the rest of church, okay? The new God rule. Eleventh commandment just dropped. Men shall not speak. Men shall not speak. Men shall not speak. Mischa does me! Alright, so, uh, single women, like let's just say 25 to 45.

Maybe you just don't want to be a priest.

I'm sorry? I don't want to be a priest. God called me to be a priest. And then he just called me with that earthquake and he said, by the way, new rules just dropped for being a priest and you can get a little nasty.

What was the original call? I'm starting to think it was just a thing that happened.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't that I didn't get any of my preferred colleges and I had to go to a seminary school because I misunderstood what seminary was all about and I thought, ooh, seminary, I'm gonna get laid, laid, laid, laid nonstop. And then I got there and they, you know, it's a bunch of... Frankly, monks, who made me take a vow of silence so I couldn't talk about how I absolutely wanted to get out there.

Okay, so we still have some hands up. You're giving all of us high fives as you walk by us.

Yeah, what am I doing? What am I doing? Okay, so, uh, and then, okay, so, okay, you, you there, you still have your hands up. Me? Yeah, you. Okay, no, you're too dumb. You, me? I'm pointing at you. You're, you're not, Not adequate for me. Who wants to see the rectory, okay? Who wants Father Michael to end church early so everybody gets out?

Everyone's hands shoot down.

Okay, okay. Clearly that's a euphemism. The rectory is... You know I have my own apartment here, right? I don't have to pay to live here.

Yeah, but we kind of pay for it.

Okay, you're mouthy. You're on my list. You're on my naughty list. You're not exactly a strike though because of, you know, 10 out of 10 total smoke show, but... This man sells gas.

Petrol, petrols.

Shells.

Ooh, I like that. Shells, shells.

Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline. Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline.

No, it's not Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline. I do want to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are pulling in. Your car is almost on empty. You haven't seen another service station around, and you've just pulled into Adal's gas station, which is Shell Silverstein's Shell Gasoline.

Hey, can I get $50 on pump three, please?

A greetings, a huzzah, a welcome, a do. Your car is in trouble. Gasoline, one gallon, two.

Sorry, I think I just blacked out for a second. I thought you were rhyming.

Concussion's no fushion, no fussing concussion. The bonk on da head can end up you dead. You dig a big grave, it can get real grave.

Are you out of gas, or... You have... You're good? Can... Can I... I just need $50 on Pump 3.

I'm good, Samaritan. And Sarah Tin was made of tin. A little tin girl, a gust of wind, took her around the world when she was so thin. She ate not a berry, she flew towards the sky, and hit the moon dead in the eye. Lumière, Lumière, a filmmaker too, a candlestick brother, can you think of glue? Elmer's and Felmer's and Fudd's and Dudd's. Sit in the theater. Milk Duds. Paul Rudd's. Ant-Man Quantum Leap. They're all in the screen. You and me, baby. Let's pump gasoline.

This is Adal's Eminem impression.

That'll be $500.

That was such a ride. That was such a wild ride of people who are listening to this being like, does he know who Shel Silverstein is? And they'd be like, he knows. He obviously does know. And then it goes a little deeper. You're like, does he know? Three men each had a cup of coffee. Each man put an odd number of lumps of sugar in his coffee. Twelve in total. Three men, twelve lumps. How many lumps of sugar did each man take?

Okay, this I really want to get. I think I can get it, so nobody say the answer out loud.

I mean, Erin, that just can't be how the podcast works.

That has to be how the podcast works.

A few moments later.

This is hard. Why can't I get this?

I think the answer to this is going to make you mad when you hear it.

Well, if the answer's gonna make us mad, I'm gonna stop trying to guess it.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's the smartest- Yeah, nevermind, nevermind. That's smart, yeah. To stop trying is, I think, the right move on this one.

I'm done trying.

Alright, I can give it to you. You wanna hear it? Yeah. The first man took one, the second man also took one, and the third man took ten.

That's an even number.

Uh, I don't know, Erin. Ten lumps of sugar in your coffee? No, fuck you.

No, no, no, no! No! No! No! Erin? No!

Erin?

No! No!

Erin?

No!

I told you!

No! I tried! I tried my best!

I want to see a scene.

No.

Erin.

No, hold on.

Erin. I want to see a scene. JPC, I want you to give the answer again, and Erin, I want you to be really happy with it. And start.

Adal, you wouldn't do this to a woman like me, right? Someone who's loved you for as long as I've loved you.

The concept of a scene just getting stretched to its infinite ends. Okay, here we go. The first man took one, the second man took one, and the third man took ten lumps.

Wait, that's an even number.

Oh, I don't know, Erin. Ten lumps of sugar in coffee sounds pretty odd to me.

Aww, I love it. I love it. I love this. Yes, because that is too much sugar for a cup of coffee. That's odd.

Erin, I'm so close to calling the scene. I just need a little more positivity.

Erin, do you love it?

Hip hip, hooray!

Erin, what's your favorite part about the riddle?

I guess my favorite part is, um, that it doesn't make any sense, um, and it's sort of a joke, and I was sitting here fucking writing numbers down, doing the math on a sheet of paper.

Erin, it sounds like maybe from what you're describing, it sounds like you might be a little bit mad. No, I love it! You do love it?

I love that I spent all this ink on this.

Yeah, we're going to continue the scene, and Erin, if you don't mind, I'm going to have you marry this Riddle. Do you, Riddle, the answer is- Quick, T out.

I'm just making sure you guys want to do this to me.

I think so.

Okay, great. Time back in.

I'm wanting it more and more. Time back in.

Yeah.

Curtain up.

Time back out. Just a quick check. Does Erin have to be happy about anything that happens while we're in the scene?

Wow, that's a good, I almost, this is like genie rules, Casey. Thank you for catching that. If you love this riddle so much, why don't you marry it? And you are marrying it and you're thrilled about it. Thank you, Casey. Casey, why don't you stay on and you're going to be, when we ask if there's anybody who objects, you're going to say yes, but you're just going to be like, I object because I just want Erin to love it even more. Okay. Thank you, Casey.

Classic objection at a wedding. I want you to love it even more.

I'd be so mad at that guy at my wedding. Riddle, 1, 1, and 10, do you take Erin to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do. I do. I do times 10.

Oh, he worked it into the vows. And there's not a dry ice in the house. Yeah, there's a magician. Because it sticks to your skin. If you swallow it, it could kill you.

Don't touch it. It's too cold.

Erin, do you take this riddle to have and to hold, to love forever and to be happy about?

I do.

Eyes are a little dead, but big smile.

I do. I love it.

Do you typically ask for objections after the ideas or is it before?

I now pronounce you wife and woman in Riddle unless, and you two go ahead and kiss. And while you're kissing, is there anyone who objects actually? I object.

Oh my gosh, thank you Casey, my dear friend, here to save me.

I don't think she loves this riddle enough. In fact, the only way to truly prove she does is to rap about it. And you have to be happy about it. And she's also happy about it.

She's happy about it too.

Anyone else feel kind of sick having the roles be switched up? I feel sick.

Yeah, I boffed off Mike. Yeah. I boffed off Mike.

I boffed off Mike. Is that Kennedy? I boffed off Mike.

I boffed off Mike.

I boffed off Mike.

Can I say, I've been listening to a lot of Hey Riddle Riddle recently, and I've been doing a little project that has involved me needing to listen to past episodes. Occasionally, I listen to a whole episode and there'd be nothing that I needed in it and nothing like usable. I'm like, okay, there's a funny episode, but nothing usable. Going back to when I was doing hours and hours and hours of this, if I had a gym like I boffed off Mike, I'd be overjoyed. I'd be overjoyed to have that.

I mean, just retroactively shoehorn it in.

I boffed off Mike.

I boffed off Mike.

Trust me, as soon as we're done here, I'll get it now, but I can't use it for what I was using it for.

Adal, that's really good.

I do believe he said I had boffed off Mike. Do you need to hear it again? Would you like to hear it again? Yeah, okay, I got it.

I boffed off mic. I boffed off mic.

Oh, hear the riddle again. No, I don't.

This is a conversation that I've had with people, is what is your, like, survivor daydream or fantasy? Like, if you were on the show, what would be the moment that you would most like to have?

I've actually thought about this, Erin, this exact scenario as well, and here's my answer. I don't know if they do this on every Survivor, so you're gonna have to, you guys have watched the show and I have not. Do they very often have, like, if you make it far enough, they invite, like, one of your, a member of your family to, like, come?

Yeah, pre-COVID they did that. Yeah.

Okay, so here's what I would really love to do with that. I would love to, while I'm at Survivor, I want to make it to that point, to have my family member there, but I want to change no details about my wife as I talk about her, except I want to call her Rachel. I just want to refer to her as Rachel. Everything else would be exactly the same. I'm not making up a person. I just say that her name is Rachel. And then, when Mark is announcing who all of the people are on the beach, you know, I'm standing next to these other people, they're like, and the JPC's wife Mariah is here, and she comes out, and I'm like, oh my god, I miss you so much, and everyone else is thinking like... What the fuck? Is her name Rachel or Mariah? Like, why is he calling her Mariah now? And then later, after she goes home, if someone asked me about it, I'd be like, yeah, my wife's name is Rachel. Like, what are you talking about? Okay. So you're trying to torture people. Yes. Just what I want to... People are like, I know he's playing a game, but he's not playing the game Survivor. Like, what? How is this fucking with me? It shouldn't be.

For my episode of that, I want them to send me a stranger. I'm like, I don't know this man. This man is a stranger.

I want them to be like, here's Adal's wife, Gemma, and somebody in a wheelbarrow takes out like a mannequin with a wig and like, like makeup on and everyone's like, what is going on? And I just absolutely make out with him.

You burst into tears. I'm like, oh my God, Gemma. I miss you.

It's like, here's JPC's brother, Chuck. And this guy comes out, he's just like wearing like an Arby's uniform. And I'm like, oh, Chuck, it's so good to see you. And I'm like hugging him. I'm like, do you have the beef and cheddar? And then I'm like eating an Arby's sandwich from within his shirt. He's like, I'm not sure why I'm here, but I got paid $15,000.

JPC, you fool, you could have made it on the show. And now they'll hear this episode and they'll never let you on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it'd be funny, I don't know how you swing it, but if you could swing it, it'd be very funny for them to be like, Adal, you made it this far, here's your cousin, Jude Law? And Jude Law comes out, and people are like, what the fuck? Your cousin's Jude Law? He's British!

Oh yeah, I just pick a celebrity I want to meet, and that's what I put on my paperwork. Welcome, Chris Evans! And I'm like, eeee!

Wouldn't it be funnier? Wouldn't it be funnier to say it's Jude Law but you get like you hire like a Jude Law impersonator who kind of looks like Jude Law?

That's it, we found it. It took us a couple minutes.

And people are like, wait a minute.

And you like act like it's Jude Law and people are like, I just don't think it's him. He's like 5'4". That's DJ Qualtz.

I have like a John F. Kennedy impersonator. Did you like sneakily say that like Kevin was married to Susie or something?

Interesting. No, I didn't do anything sneaky. This whole podcast I run above board. I run a tight ship. OSHA can come in here and do a safety test at any time and everything's fine here.

That's not true. You and I both know that is not true.

This is not a watertight podcast. We can pee out the poison. We're fine.

I want to see a scene. Erin, you're sort of like a David Attenborough narrator. And this is like a planet Earth. And JPC is going to be a lion. And I'm going to be whatever the lion is hunting.

The lion is finally awake and cannot ignore its hunger any longer.

The fuck finally awake?

Sleeping past noon on a Tuesday.

I'm a lion. I don't have work.

Clearly, at risk for starvation because of how lazy it is.

At risk for starvation? Hey, guess what? You burn less calories when you sleep. What the fuck is this?

Lying on a rock in the sun. But wait, something has caught its attention.

Gazelle, gazelle, gazelle, gazelle.

A guy who has spotted gazelles has become the lion's new target.

That guy looks way slower than a fucking gazelle. I bet I can take him down easy.

It's all coming up, Tony.

I bet the lion decides to lay back down on the rock and get an afternoon nap in instead of hunting the man.

Fuck you! Like I'm gonna, like you're gonna reverse psychology me to not eat that cameraman.

That man is too fast for him to catch. He ran track in high school. He stopped after sophomore year, but still.

Yeah, high school. I mean, this is probably 30 years ago for that guy. I mean, I don't want to eat him.

Oh, the man gets further away while the lion sees his only hope for lunch.

No, because I'm fucking arguing with you. Hold on. I'm getting up. Oh, big stretch. Ooh, big stretch. Ooh, back stretch. Stretch the back. Stretch the back legs.

Oh, my God. Gazelles are gone. I guess I'll just lay face down on the savannah.

Ooh, big stretch. God, stretching makes me sleepy.

I'd like to go right back to bed. The prey has made himself available to the lion, but the lion looked over, shrugged, and is going back to bed. No, I didn't shrug. He seems to be re-watching TV shows on his laptop in a dark, dark bed.

No, no, I've never seen The Office. Just because it was on like ten years ago doesn't mean I saw it, because I was busy at that time.

Cereal bowls and cups are stacking up on his bedside table.

A lot of this is my pride mate's stuff. It's not necessarily my stuff.

No judgment, just observation.

This is judgment. It's laden with judgment. I mean, obviously. Seen.

I've been there.

I've been there.

I'm that lion.

We're all that lion. We all been that lion. We all been that lion. Not me, of course, but most people.

I'd like to see a scene. JBC, you're the man in the yellow hat from Curious George, and Adal, you're Curious George, and George is asking you a lot of questions.

Hey dad. Oh, not your dad. I'm not your dad.

Yeah, dad. You're my dad.

No, I'm the man in the yellow hat.

You dress me, you pay for my food, you tuck me in at night. You're my dad.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. I don't love that you call me that, but yeah, I mean... Dad, you're my dad. For sake of this conversation, sure.

How are monkeys born?

I don't... I mean, I assume... similar? Similar to what? Similar to what? Similar to people.

How are people born? Hey dad, how are people born?

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Vaginally? C-section?

Hey Dad, are we rich?

I don't mostly shop. I mean, I do some shopping, but like some shopping is a necessity. Like, we eat groceries.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah?

Were you mad when I ripped that kid's arms off at the birthday party?

No, he deserved it.

Okay.

He scared me. He startled me. He did startle you, and you shouldn't have done that. Yeah. And that's exactly, that's why, that's why I'm, you know, when you call me Dad, it kind of, I just hear that kid screaming, Dad, Dad, Dad. And it kind of, yeah. And it's, yeah, it's bad vibes for me.

Yeah. I see it when I close my eyes.

That's good, that means you have... Do you feel remorse?

No, I just see it.

That's good, because he startled you. Hey dad, why the hat? I'm sorry?

Why the hat?

Because I look like a pimp, Playboy. I look like a stone cold pimp, and it's still cool to say pimp. What year is it?

You look like Pharrell when he had that hat on.

Okay, so Pharrell with the hat on, so it's 2013?

Okay.

Okay. You don't know, you're a monkey, you're not a boy. Oh, come on. Grow up. You gotta live in this world like the rest of us.

Hey, Dad?

You killed a boy. Or maimed him. We left. We don't know.

Kassim.

You killed a boy.

Or maimed him. Yeah. GPC, I'm so sorry to make this about me, but I have to. Please leave me something funny in your will. I'm begging you. It can have no monetary value. I want it to make me laugh out loud, though.

I have one of the funniest things that I could leave for any person at my will, and it is being left to you, and that is medical debt. Oh, my medical debt goes directly to you, Erin. I can't explain how, but I got a good lawyer. I got a good lawyer.

I mean, that made me laugh. Okay. What about works for me? A tired flower.

Ooh, a Lazy Daisy.

Yes. Wow! Lazy Daisy.

That's who I like to play in Mario Kart.

Yeah. She just won't move.

Mm-mm. La Caillou keeps picking you up and dropping you back on the track even though you're on the track. You're like, I get it. I'm just taking my time.

She's just scrolling on her phone.

That's why Donald got a divorce, honestly. Well, it's not. That's not the only reason. It's never just one reason, you know, when people get a divorce. It's compounding reasons. But yeah, Donald and Daisy, they did get a divorce.

And we're breaking that news here. I guess they told us not to say it.

Are you one of the lawyers for one of the parties?

We do represent Daisy Duck. Yes. But we are some of the lawyers.

It's like a dream team. You know, it's like a Cochran. Yeah. Sorry. Cochran.

Cochran.

It's Cochran. Johnny Cochran, who is a porn producer. You thought I was going to say actor. He produces. He was a former actor, of course. He moved into production when he aged.

Is the divorce contagious?

No. Well, Donald showed up to court with no pants on, so I think he was trying to make a statement.

I think so. His team quickly, you know, they fix it. It's not contentious, but I think when you just have this much money, you just have, like, there's just so much to tie up, right? So that's why you have a big team. That's why you bring on Adam Nye and Johnny Cochran.

We think Donald said the C word, but we can't tell. There's just like a five-minute string of like... Yeah.

And we had the stenographer try to read it back, but it was obvious we were putting a ton of pressure on her, and it's like she did... I mean, she's pointing at the stenograph machine, and she's like, you know, I'm trying my best here, but it's like speaking another language, essentially. And it is, to a certain degree. It's duck. It's like, you know, English is not his first language, so he's trying to speak in it, and it's just hard for everybody. So it's unclear if he said the C word, but we're pretty sure he did say it. Whatever he said, there was malice behind it, which I think is not okay.

Erin, I saw you take out your phone and hit, it said, contacts Donald Duck with heart eyes.

Um, did I? Hey, heard you're recently single. Wanna grab a drink?

Yeah, we told you that in conference.

I can suck a duck.

We gotta get a break.

We gotta get a break. No, no, no, no! What did I do? What did I do?

What did I do? Erin, it was good. It was a good thing. It was a good thing.

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Hey Riddle Riddle.

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you are a drone. Super shiny, new, good at your job. JPC, you're a bird. And you're kind of like annoyed at his whole vibe and deal.

Scanning. Scanning. Hey. Detected bird. Hey. Yeah. Don't you get fucking lost. Detecting anger. Hi friend. I don't mean to cause you any harm. Hey, why don't you get fucking lost?

You chrome dome looking piece of shit. This is our beach.

Detecting escalated anger. Hi friend. I tried to be polite. Keep it up, and I won't be so nice.

Nice? What are you doing here, man? You're in my house, basically. My family is right over there in the sand. Reverting to small talk. Crazy weather we're having, right?

No. What's up?

Oh, that's right. You probably don't even have a cloaca. No, I have a penis, and I have a satisfied wife. Well, congratulations. I got a cloaca, and it can do everything a penis can do and more. Courtney, get over here.

Hello. This is Courtney, my wife.

I am a bird.

My man, that's a hermit crab. My man, that is a hermit crab with a Coca-Cola can.

You're telling me my wife is a hermit crab? Who thinks she's a bird talking like a drone?

Get fucked, buddy. Get fucked, buddy. You are getting played. That is a hermit crab in a Coca-Cola can. Doesn't even look like you.

My shell is a Coca-Cola can. Coca-Zero can.

Scanning. Scanning. Only see beautiful drone wife.

I am a bird. I am a bird. I am a bird.

It's an inside joke. Scanning for inside joke. None found. What's your angle here, Hermit Crab? What's your angle here? What are you doing?

Hey man, get the fuck outta here.

Get the fuck outta here.

I got a good thing going, man. What do you want? You get the fuck outta here.

Fuck you, Hermit Crab.

Fuck you, you fucking bird.

I'll fucking eat you for lunch. Sorry. Why don't you take your ugly-ass wife and get off my fucking beach?

Hey, I am a bird. I am a bird.

My wife is not ugly. She is shiny and new.

A shiny new bird.

Maneuvering for attack. Pulling out phone. Recording. Recording. Recording.

He is fighting for my honor.

The fuck? Recording phone in inches in front of your face. What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

I'm allowed to record.

I'm allowed to record. What are you going to do? I'm allowed to record.

You're not my father. You're not my boss. You're not my priest. I'm about to lay you out. I'm the littlest bird on this beach. I'm about to lay you out. Searching.

Ask Keif. It turns out, father, priest, boss, all one person. Your father is your briefs, and your boss malfunction shutting down. Yeah, yeah, you ran out of batteries.

You was fighting so long you ran out of batteries. Please don't attack my wife. Hey hermit crab, why don't you ditch the drone and get with bird?

Hey hermit crab, why don't you ditch the drone and get with bird? It is not even 9am for me, sir. Casey said 11 out of 10 scene. Casey?

One of our best.

Your standards should be higher, frankly. I think you're the reason we're slipping in quality. What?

Erin, slipping in quality? You mean to tell me a scene where someone says, this is my drone wife, and then she says I'm a bird, and then a third person says she's a hermit crab is a bad scene?

I'm crying. Immediately tears just popped in my eyes.

This is the kind of stuff they don't teach. And they shouldn't. It's bad. This is bad. It's kind of bad to teach.

Okay, it's my turn here. It looks like my options are Beans Imagine Station, Lavender Lounge, and Beyond Vaudeville. Wow. I'm going to go with Beans Imagine Station.

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode. I am Lil' Bean, and I am the world's smallest astronaut. I have been sent into space in a little space shuttle that's also a space station. And up here alone, all by myself, is where my imagine goes wild. Runs wild, my imagine. Of course, if you're just tuning in, you may not recognize some of the characters here that come from my imagination. Please introduce yourself, character number one.

Hi, my name's Maureen. I am a real astronaut. Lil Bean here.

Wow, pretty crazy.

A lot of the equipment that we have and safety precautions are for full-size humans. And when we came into space, Little Bean rattled so much that now he thinks he has imagined us.

She almost sounds real. Can you believe it? She says she has a son in college.

I'm pretty sure all of Little Bean's insides just sort of scrambled up and are at different spots. I do have a son that is in college. He is at Vassar. He is studying English and I really wanted him to go into STEM or something I know you're in the middle of introducing everybody. I'm your imaginary friend.

That's right. That's imaginary friend number one. And here we go on to imaginary friend number two.

Oh, are we still doing this? Oh, okay. Hi, I'm Glenn McClursky. I am a botanist by trade, but I guess We're all astronauts up here. And I am in charge of the flora and the fauna on the ship. You know, we don't really have a lot, but we are growing in limited quantities in space. And one of the things that we were sent to grow up in space was a little bean.

Yeah, we're trying to grow a little bean a wife.

Why are you whispering? There's one rule on the podcast.

Podcast?

Yeah, this is a public service podcast. Okay.

Well, anyway, if anyone has questions about botany or, uh, I guess no one can really hear this, um, because I am imaginary. I'm one of the little beans of imaginary friends.

That's right. And I've set a course for the sun. In 22 days and 16 hours, we will be enveloped by the solar flares that whip out into the dark. Yes, that's certain death, Little Bean.

It's a space station. It's not a functioning ship. We came on a rocket. We will come back down on a rocket.

Say it into the banana. I mean microphone.

How is he holding that banana? I guess he's really not. He's just laying on the table.

What's incredibly sad about this is Lil Bean was a brilliant scientist. Sharpest mind in the world, perhaps. Kind of, obviously, a freak of nature. He was a little bean. We were like, we gotta get him to space. We gotta get him to space. He'll get up there. We didn't realize that sending a bean into space would essentially cook the bean.

What are you whispering over there? No, we're sure.

No, no, no one's whispering over here, uh, Lil' Bean, we're just- We are just showing a little clip of you, Lil' Bean, um, at the press conference Is it a memorial? No, no, just a little clip of you, uh, at the press conference before you went up to space so everyone can hear your normal voice Okay Let's meet some more of the characters on the show. Oh, you don't want to watch the clip? Oh, what's the clip again? The clip is you at the press conference before going up into space. I wanted everyone at home to hear your normal voice.

It might be too painful. It might be too painful for Bean to watch the clip.

Let him watch. Well, now I want to see it. Go ahead and press play. Good evening, everyone. My name is Lil' Bean. I am a little bean graduated from MIT.

I guess his voice is not that different.

And I just want to say I'm honored to be the first little bean in space and I want to do all the beans proud, all the human beans.

He coughs again here in a second and it changes.

And I just want to say hello to my mom and dad.

Oh, maybe I'm remembering wrong. The change being more dramatic.

And pause. Lil Bean, do you remember doing that press conference? That was me? Mm-hmm. That didn't sound like me. Completely different voice.

Well, you know, we can only do so much with the limited resources we have up here.

Did you, is that a chat, TPT? Did you chat, TPTB?

Did you chat, TPTB?

Did you chat, TPTB? Answer the question.

Oh, Little Bean, no, we would never chat GPT, we don't even know really what that means in this context. Okay.

Glenn, um, any update on growing Little Bean again or growing Little Bean a wife or?

I, um, I've grown many beans. I just haven't been able to... Whatever happened to make Lil' Bean sentient and super smart, I haven't quite been able to replicate. I know it did happen in space, but I think it may have had something to do with, like, gamma radiation, and we just haven't had... We haven't been hit by as many solar flares.

I don't know what you two are whispering about over there, but it's time for my weekly segment, Man, I Wish I Had a Wife. This is a segment where I like to just go over what I think the perfect wife for me, Lil' Bean, would be. The Perfect Wife by Leo Bean The perfect wife is a bean, a sentient bean, who's smart as it is round. It's planted, absorbs nutrients to its butt and top of the head, sprouts into alfalfa or some other fruit or vegetable or plant or weed.

Something with Little Bean's voice. It's affecting one of the beans in the sample bay number six. It's growing. It's spreading. Beans keep going.

Little Bean keep going. Oh to have a bean wife and have bean children one day, little bean children. And hope that one day they too could go to Vassar and study STEM or whatever this ghost said. Oh, to have a wife. A little bean wedding. Can you imagine? What would they throw? Rice, probably, because rice isn't beans, so that stays the same, but everything else is bean-sized. Bean-sized? Did someone say bean-sized?

Oh my god. What is happening?

Uh, hello, what's your name? Hello, my name is Little Bean, and... I guess. That's my name. I guess. Favorite movie on three. One, two, three. Terminator 3. Mr. P. No, we can't. Plus, I'm gay. Fuck off. Fuck you. Well, hold on. Fuck off, not because you're gay.

Wait, hold on. No, no, he said it. We heard it.

It's Clint. Oh, Little Bean's homophobic.

What a bummer.

What a bummer. That sucks. Yeah, that sucks for him.

Or sucks to be him.

Okay, this is the pump-up speech at half time of a championship game.

Okay, got it. Fuck. Down by 12? Guys, come on, fuck.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Boys, take a big deep breath and then take a knee, okay?

Where's our coach? Why should we listen to you, an Abraham Lincoln impersonator? Erin, is that fun? Is that a fun gift for you?

Erin, is that fun?

Are you Googling Abraham Lincoln? He was the president.

Yes and, also referred to as yes and thinking, is a rule of thumb in improvisational comedy that suggests that an improviser should accept what another improviser has stated.

Wait, where was that when I was doing the Glass Menagerie monologue?

And then expand on that line of thinking. The principle does not forbid disagreements between the improviser's characters.

You should have stopped reading. All you said was hey, hey, hey, hey.

The basic premise introduced by the other person as this would throw them off and harm the flow of the scene. Okay, okay. No but technique which serves to refine the challenge. Okay, okay, okay. No, I'm your coach, idiot. No, no, let me start. Go with that. Go with that. Okay, I will. Hey, hey, no. This is just my face and my beard and my hat. Sorry, coach.

Sorry. I'm seeing red because we're down by 12. Yeah, there's also some red on your forehead where it looks like there's an exit wound. It could just be a bee sting.

It's just a bee sting. Hey, hey, I get enough of this at home from my wife.

Mary Todd? Your crazy wife?

Her name is Mary Todd, yes. It is a crazy coincidence.

Is she crazy or are you just closeted? Come on, man.

What are you talking about? Hey, hey, hey. Everyone's trying to distract from you letting each other down in that first half of the game, huh?

Yeah.

Everyone's trying to point to the way that coach looks and sounds. Right?

Not sounds.

Just looks.

Just looks.

Okay. Okay.

Were you going for sounds, coach?

No, I'm not, but... Then it's just looks. Okay, then fine. I feel like I sound a little bit like when... Actually, how do you know? How do you know how he sounded? There's no recording.

The Steven Spielberg movie.

That's what I'm saying. Don't I sound like Daniel Day-Lewis in that movie? No. They say Abraham Lincoln had a higher pitched voice, actually.

They said on set for that movie that Daniel Day-Lewis would stay in character and people would use phones and he'd be like, what is this? What is this skullduggery? And people would be like, it's a phone. And he's like, a phone?

Some of your college careers as athletes are on the line here. I need everyone to focus up. Four score and seven years ago.

Coach. Coach.

I was born. What? I talk in scores. You know this about me.

Door slams open. Presenting Sir Riley Lawson Stein.

What's happening? Well, well, well. If it isn't J.P. Riddles.

Well, well, well. If it isn't a man doing a big crab impression.

I just happen to be wearing... I told you, Melissa, I should not have worn this hard red suit. My name is R.L. Stine and I'm here to call you out, J.P. You've been ripping me off for years. I challenge you to a duel, Froze Glove.

Picks up glove, eats it. All right, R.L. Stine, I accept your invitation to a glove dinner. Here's my terms. We do it at a cheesecake factory. Tonight. Midnight. Or the latest that they're open. I think that might be 11 p.m.

I don't... No, I refuse that and I challenge you to a specific duel of my choosing. We have a title off. We each come up with a title for either a new Goosebumps or a new Swan Lumps, and we let the audience decide.

All right.

One author stays, one author dies tonight.

All right, gentlemen, you know the rules.

I need to borrow a wet fork from a child in the audience.

All right, Mr. Riddles, we'll get that ready for you. Gentlemen, you know the rules. It's a title op. You stand on opposite sides of the stage and you throw titles at each other like you're shooting each other in a sort of cowboy shoot off.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

All right, you count to ten, you walk in opposite directions, then you turn and you start saying titles at each other. Ready?

Okay. One.

Okay.

Two.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. I'm trying to walk in all opposite directions. Ow, ow, ow, ow. I feel like my body's being pulled apart. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

Point goes to J.P. Riddles.

Fine. J.P. gets that point, it seems like. That's fine. Okay. Next one. A mummy in a river.

Swan lumps 137. The no good tale of the shit bird kid who went down into my hole where I keep all my ravioli dice and made a big mess down there.

No, I'll cede that point. Yep. Yeah, I'll cede it. I wouldn't read that. If I was a bee, I feel like, you know, if someone swats at me, if someone pokes my home, I'd be pissed. Don't get me wrong. But I feel like I'd really want to save my sting up for like, you know, someone who's just like egregiously being a piece of shit.

I think that all bees think that way, but every time they use their sting, it's complete panic. It's like you think your confrontation is going to be this big confrontation, and then suddenly someone yells at you and you jump, and suddenly you've stung them.

A hundred percent. On a Friday night, a bee is having drinks with his friends and he goes, I know who I'm saving my sting for and it's Brett Kavanaugh. When I sting, it'll be Brett Kavanaugh on the tip of his freaky nose. And then on Monday morning, like a little kid is playing soccer and the bee's like, ah, sting.

The bee's on a flower and like a dog comes over and it stings it. You know, it's like, we all think it's going to be one way and it's not that way.

Okay, ooh, it looks like there's a big pop from the crowd as former legend Wildstyle the Horny Penguin, dressed like Guy Fieri, takes the plate for the first time this season.

And the question on everyone's mind here today, Squab, is will Wildstyle be able to restrain his horniness enough to play a full nine innings of penguin baseball?

I don't think so, Chip. I am seeing right now he's really making a meal.

Just the way he's holding the bat.

I'm walking up to the bat. Now he is walking backwards and doing a little tease that he might not go up to plate. Oh, he's going. No, he's not. Oh, he's going. No, he's not.

Strike one. Getting a strike one through the radio feed. It seems like during his tease, the game has officially started.

Wildstyle is humping the plate and making dead eye contact with a young mother in the front row.

It is quite a feat. And if you've never been live at a Penguin baseball game match, making eye contact with Wildstyle, the horny penguin, the penguin dressed as Guy Fieri, as he does some of his more sexual penguin antics, you have not experienced Penguin baseball.

And strike two.

Oh, and it looks like, oh, it looks like Wildstyle is ripping off his jersey a la Magic Mike. Okay, so that is a walk.

It looks like Beverly Punk has hit him with the egg.

That is a walk for Wildstyle. Wildstyle, classically a 0.000 batting average, but walks almost every time it goes to the plate just because of how erratic he is with his gyrations.

That's right, and we should say, Chip and Ramona, we should say that the Penguin Baseball League is just starting off Of course, we cannot afford Genuine's Pony. So what you just heard was Genuine's Pony.

And again, the ball is the egg. I know that has caused a lot of controversy with some of the fans at home, but we think it's funny. So we're not going to change it.

And now it's time for the Flamingos to take the field. Wow.

In the middle of the top of the first inning, it's time for the Flamingos to take the field. After one out, it's time for a little dance break. Wildstyle the Horny Penguin has joined the Flamingos on the field. He is actively trying to get all their numbers.

Wait, now it looks like the umpire is calling for a review of that play. The umpire is going to an immediate review. They are going to study the footage of that play. Something, it looks like, seems amiss.

Okay, Chip, I'm getting word right now. What happened was the Toledo Snowhens actually got three outs, went in their dugout, and then went right back up to bat. It seems it should be the Golden Gate Gentoos' time to bat, not pitch. Wait, they have three outs?

Who got out?

Well, I think Beak Rose got out.

Beak Rose got three outs?

Well, he swung three times at one pitch. Cock Johnson got out. And I think Wildstyle? Oh yeah, Wildstyle. Wildstyle got out. Yes, for sure.

No, Wildstyle got a run.

Oh, shit. Yo, we have Redstone at once.

Oh, they're reviewing the footage of reviewing them. Footage. They're watching footage of them watching footage.

And the Flamingos are taking the field once again.

Folks, I know it can be confusing.

I know it can be confusing why they have to review footage so often, but in penguin baseball, if even one, if even one player one time is suspected of being a leopard, every penguin on that field is at. A serious amount of danger. One leopard can easily eat 15 penguins, and it's not even close.

Yes, there's a reason, you're absolutely right Chip, there's a reason you haven't heard of a penguin basketball league. Okay ladies, are there any questions on what you just watched? Uh, yes.

So while we were watching the video, the volume was pretty low and through that wall there we could hear like a lot of screaming and noises and stuff. What is behind, what's going on behind that wall?

Uh, those are the guys. Those are the boys. They're warming up. They're getting ready. They're getting pumped. Uh.

Yeah? Is there a rule against doing thirds on the soup here? Has everyone had at least a bowl of soup where if I got thirds it would be okay?

Uh, we'll take a poll. Anybody upset about that?

Anybody- I'm cool with it.

I'm fine.

I would kind of love to get seconds before you got your thirds. I just feel like that would be more prudent. Would that be okay? That's fine.

I didn't know she hadn't had seconds. I already had seconds. That's why I said I'm fine.

I'm so sorry. I'm just wondering if the seconds are going to happen soon, because I would like my thirds. But if your seconds aren't going to be for like 20 minutes, that's going to make it hard for me.

Maureen, just looking out, what if you have sex tonight? You're going to be filled with soup.

No, it's just a lobster bisque.

Just a lobster bisque, Maureen. Think of what you're saying.

Can I just say, having run the warm-ups for both the men and the women in previous iterations of this, it is wild how different y'all are. I mean, you can hear the men through there. You women are politely discussing soup distribution. I mean, it's just insane to really see it in action.

Sorry, I hate to do this, but I can see Maureen serving herself soup.

Well, I'm just seeing that there's a ladle and a half left. So if I do the half ladle, you still get a full ladle for your seconds. Not everyone will get thirds, and that's not my fault. The soup was only put out to an amount where only one of us would be able to get thirds. I'm asking if I could be that one. If I can't, that's okay. I just don't get the impression anyone else wants a third.

I'm trying to look out for you. You don't want to be going on these dates with your torso filled with soup. Maureen!

Why not? You know, I heard there's going to be condoms right on the table.

Yes, that's correct. We do. Based off some incidents last year, we did want to have those present. And I just want to apologize. I thought 20 gallons of lobster bisque as just the warm up pre-snack. I thought that would be fine. Turns out I'm the asshole here. Sorry I did not make more. I did not know you all would be flying through that.

No one's an asshole, it's just a really big ladle, so it was hard to know what a portion was.

And the whole condoms on the tables thing makes it seem like I wasn't- I hadn't thought about it at all. I hadn't either. No, everyone had. Everyone had.

I hadn't even remembered it until just now. I remembered now.

I've seen the bench ads. I've seen the bench ads. It makes it seem like I wasn't using condoms last year, but I brought condoms. I just don't understand why you would think that if someone was planning on having sex three times at a singles mixer, they wouldn't bring their own condoms.

You brought one big fat rubber condom.

You can't reuse compliments.

I don't think we need to... Maureen! Maureen, I will slap the soup out of your hands! Please!

Dignity, Maureen! Oh, you got a big chunk of lobster! Oh my god, claw! Claw!

There was claw?

I didn't get any claw. I didn't get any claw either. 20 gallons of soup and there's one big claw at the very end? Unfair. This is an expensive event.

And this is actually a big deal. It's almost like, if anyone's been to New Orleans, almost like the hiding of the baby in the king cake. So Maureen, Whoever gets the claw, actually it's pretty easy to fish that out of there with a ladle if anyone was thinking to look. She has to leave. Maureen.

It's easy to fish one claw out of 20 gallons of soup with a ladle. Oh no, Maureen has to leave. That's so sad for Maureen.

That's fine. That's fine.

Yeah, Maureen, you do win getting to leave. So we do leave the windows open so you will be able to sort of press your nose up against it like a Dickensian child.

Maureen, wait outside and press your head against the window and watch like a Dickensian child.

No way. I'm going to Biscot. I'm going to Biscot.

No, don't go to Biscot.

More bisque? I got a taste for bisque.

It's Valentine's Day, Maureen. Please.

Look. I'm going to Biscott. I got the call. I'm going to Biscott.

Maureen, make us one promise. Tell me you took your shellfish meds today. Yeah, please, Maureen. Promise me.

Well, you just asked me to do two things that are not possible at the same time.

Where's your happy place, Maureen? Lie to me. Tell me you took your shellfish meds.

I took my shellfish medicine and I'm actually not even allergic. Oh, tongue's getting real big. Big lie.

You know what? I'll take the claw. I'll take the claw so Maureen can stay.

Nice fucking try. I can't tell if she's being childish or allergic. Nice try.

Maureen, it's the hospital or are you staying here? You are not going to Biscut.

When does the cafeteria at the hospital close?

Why is it a hut?

It's an old pizza hut that closed down and then... What are we even talking about?

It's 8.30. I'm so horny. Can we start? I don't care if Maureen leaves. I'm so horny. I have to start these dates.

Will you put that away? There's one on the table.

Yeah, there's condoms in the table. You don't have to prep now. All right. Let's go ahead and let you loose. And here we go. Round one is Maureen. Actually, Maureen, you're going to be heading out.

Okay. Am I only moving side to side? Is that something that you all are noticing?

Huh, you're lobster sexy. You're moving like a crab.

Oh, Maureen.

No, Maureen. It can't be good. No, you're right. It must be psychosomatic if I'm not even moving like a lobster.

Wait a second. Was this fucking crab bisque? You cheapskates. You passed off crab bisque as lobster bisque?

We paid $25 for this event. How dare you?

Okay, I apologize. Lobster is not in season. Crab was. So that is a crab claw. I assumed it was all... I figured all shellfish is shellfish. I didn't realize there was, you know, specific allergies to... And you're selfish. Okay, very nice. And you were being selfish.

$25 and not a nary a lobster.

I'm feeling a little crabby about it.

Maureen. Call the hospital. Okay, I rolled and I'm trying to negotiate a hostage situation.

And JPC is Professor Stapes.

No, that is no. No, but. No, but. No, but. We'll see. No, no, we won't. Hello?

Hello? Potions class started 30 minutes ago, Mrs. Bartok.

I'm gonna hang up on you. I have another call coming in.

Okay, bye. Hello, this is potions. Go for potions.

I will. This is the opposite now. I'll be here all day. Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Okay, Neptune. I tried, guys. I did try. I had a funny idea. I had a funny idea and you'll never see it. They Stapes'd me. These two boys.

Jason Stapes, I'm over here.

They worked together and they went, this is going to be a Stapes episode.

Scott Stapes.

All right, Erin, I'm going to roll the credits again there. And then after those credits, go ahead and do your funny idea that you were going to do.

Okay.

Hello.

Hello.

Um... Hey, can you... Can you let the hostages go?

We were gonna kill some of the hostages.

Yeah, can you let them go?

What? I really would rather... I'd really rather kill them.

And I know, and I know, and I know. But... Why not let them go?

Would you give me something for that? Or is that rude to ask?

No, I don't think I will. I think just let them... Come on.

Can I let half go?

It's Christmas. It's Christmas.

I know. I really wanted to keep the hostages here at Nakatomi Tower. Because I am- No, no, no!

I got there first! I got there first! No! No! No! He's trying to say I got there first! I beat you! I got there! I did it! I did it first!

Erin, hostages during Christmas, you're basically doing Die Hard, which was Alan Rickman's first- I know! I know!

It was the whole plan!

Nakatomi Plaza.

Turn the page. Nakatomi Plaza. Let the record show you got there first, Erin. I got there first.

Neptune. Stapes.

Stapes. Stapes. Created by Adal Rifai.

Starring Erin Keif. And John Patrick Coan.

Casey Toney did the editing. Mary Perrins in the music. Riddle Riddle

Hey there Y2s and 2Ks, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's improv from the year 2000. You can listen to that plus the entire back catalog at patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7 day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast.