Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Lights are going up. Snow is falling down. There's a feeling of goodwill around town. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere. Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. McRib is here!

...had participated in McDonald's for a limited time.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice-a-cray.

And the horse was being dragged.

Okay, well, I was up for the last 72 hours, but I finally scoured the internet for enough riddles to do another episode in 2024, so I'm old man puzzles, and let's- Adal!

Adal, Adal, Adal! We have good news!

You ignorant slut! Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take that from Chevy Chase. No, I wouldn't. You shouldn't.

Dan Aykroyd? Dan Aykroyd? But from you, what? We're not doing any more riddles this year. Then why did I bring Janet to guest in the episode?

Oh, hi, Janet. Hey! Oh, hi, Janet. Adal was pulling Janet in a little wagon behind him. That's fun. It's me! Hi, Janet. Wanna buy some lemonade?

No, you ignorant slut.

You can't, you shouldn't take that.

You shouldn't, yeah. Leave it to Chevy Chase, leave it to the professionals.

This is part one, part one, of our best of episode. And I will be honest with you, it is at least 45 minutes of pig orgasm noises because that was this year.

That's what the people want.

And if everyone is sort of remembering back in their brains, Janet was on that episode. I was.

Wow. I was. Wow. And remember with pigs, if they're coming, you're coming. You're coming. If they're cold, you're cold. If you're cold, they're cold.

If you're here, they're family. If you're here, then where are they? I don't know. So this year is actually very exciting. We're trying something a little different, okay? This is not your usual Best Of. In the back half of this episode and next week, you're going to hear scenes from our Patreon. Stuff that was awesome on our Patreon this year that you guys seem to like. What? You're just going to give it away? Well, it's the holiday season and that's what it's all about. But if you like what you're hearing and you want to hear the full context for those clips and you haven't been a patron yet, go to patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. You can join for a week free. And in that weird liminal space between Christmas and New Year's, just binge all of our best episodes over there.

Wait a second, Erin. What if I like the Patreon, but I don't want to pay every single month? Is there an option for people like me?

Why are you talking like that? Yes, you can just buy a whole year of Patreon.

Yeah, starting in the new year, you could buy a whole year of Patreon.

Yeah.

So if you want to buy for the year, you can do that. Get a discount too.

But wait, Erin and Janet, what if I listen to the best of and then in January I want to see the four of you live in San Francisco?

Did everybody hit their head? Why are people talking so weird? Yeah, we're going to be in San Francisco Sketch Fest.

Me and Adal hit our heads together. We were trying to be Wonder Twins.

Janet's going to be our guest. It's going to be incredible. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to be with y'all in person. JPC was not able to be at the live Hey Riddle Riddle last SketchFest for reasons we will not disclose.

And I told my wife, no more babies. I gotta go to SketchFest.

For reasons we will have just disclosed. So this is going to be very, very fun and it is on Saturday... January 18th. January 18th, yes. JBC, let me finish. Okay.

But Erin, what if we want to say a date and then someone else says it first? Is there an option for us?

What happened to everybody? I just hit my head on the wagon. Is it contagious? Oh my God.

Seems like it. Saturday, January 18th at 4pm at the Gateway Theatre in San Francisco. And you can buy those tickets in, I'm going to say the link below, and maybe that works.

Yeah, you can go to sfsketchfest.com.

Oh yeah, they can do that too.

And I'd say check out all the shows at Sketchfest. But Erin… No, because we're probably going up against another show at least, so don't check out all of them.

Not all of them. Ours first, and then whatever else you want to check out. Smart.

Trickle-down economics. Exactly. Reagan.

Thank you, Ron. Well… Well… Was that this year? Well… Erin, are you going to hit your head? Erin, hit your head.

Okay, yes, and…

Erin, we were joking. We were just joking around.

Erin, you're bleeding. I know, but Adal, what if we... Oh my God, there's nothing left to say.

I think she thinks she's talking.

All right, so we're all going to go to the hospital. Enjoy the best of 2024. Can you guys hear me?

Am I talking?

Time of death?

Anyways, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle, that's JPC, he's Chaos, that's Adal, he's nice, and I'm Erin.

What's Erin?

The one who's trying her best.

Is that why you're wearing a scarf today and dark sunglasses?

Yes, it's not because I'm hungover.

Let's describe for the audience. Erin is wearing a headscarf, dark sunglasses. She's sitting in a, I want to say a 57 drop-top convertible. Cherry red with the white inlay, white wall tires.

Oh no, the wind took my scarf away.

She's got one of those long cigarette holders, but it doesn't appear that she's got a cigarette for it.

It's a hot Cheeto that I put in there. That's my secret.

She's speeding down PNH1. All Cheetos are hot when you light the end of it.

Here are some rhyming poems for you. I'm going to give the first part, and then you guys need to give me the second half. So I'll give you essentially like the roses are red, violets are blue part, and then you have to fill in after it. Ready? Sunsets are pink, oceans are blue.

I fucked a minion and so did Gru.

We don't know that he did.

And we're just practicing right now, right, Erin? This won't make it? This won't make it in the episode?

Did you fuck the same minion that Gru fucked? Because there's a lot of them.

Looking at my counsel, he's shaking his head.

How could you tell? I watched the first 15 minutes of Despicable Me the other day. Why? Because I had never seen it, and we... Mariah loves the Minions, and I've never seen a single Minion's property, so we put it on, but we can't watch a full movie anymore, and so I only got about 15 minutes, and I was also watching it with the sound off and the sub-pedals on.

I would say enjoy it with a red wine and a filet mignon. These things are so tender. I don't know what group puts in them. These things are so tender.

You're grilling mignons?

Wait, you're not?

What are you doing? If you're steaming them Erin, you're losing flavor. No I'm not. You're losing flavor on the table.

I'm losing nutrients when I grill them.

Honestly, you're losing nutrients if you cook them at all. You gotta eat raw menu, that's the only way to do it.

You know you're not supposed to microwave them, right? You know, everyone knows.

You can microwave them, you just have to take the clothes off. Don't microwave them with the clothes. Well hold on, do you leave the goggles on?

Do you leave the goggles on?

Are you going to eat the eyes? I do have a cookbook coming out. It's called Filet Mignon. Please hit me up. The recipes are coming out.

I've been putting them in smoothies because I'm on the go.

Yeah. You lose all the fiber though.

I know that.

Why am I eating a mignon if I'm not getting fiber? Honestly, you can blitz your minions, but just- This is an all-timer for me, you guys. Also, do Metamucil. Like, do something that will give you some light. Or Miralax. Cause, you're gonna be constipated. Day 3 of eating moot-nigget smoothies, you're gonna be constipated like all get-up.

All those overalls working their way through your system. There's so many ways to cook a Minion.

It sounds like we're joking, but open our freezers and it's a bunch of Minions.

They keep six months in the freezer, three weeks in the fridge. And I can play like this because I watched the first 15 minutes, so I understand about the Minions now. You're getting it.

Let me just lift up the box here and here's our special guest, Howard Dean. So you're going to be in a quick lightning bonus round against Howard Dean. JPC, are you ready? Yes. JPC, first question for you. What was Lucille Ball's social security number?

Lucille Ball, real person, also played Lucille on a television show.

Okay, that is time. Howard Dean, same question. Oh, I dropped the card. Different question. When you stub your toe, you make this sound. That's a point for Howard Dean.

I love this.

What's the score?

Dean up two, right?

It's 2-0.

It's 2-0.

Oh, and actually you asked me a question, so that's a minus point for you. We go back to Howard Dean. Fuck! Howard Dean. Howard Dean once famously made this noise. That's correct. Ooh, it's three to negative one. I knew that one. JPC. Yes. Howard Dean lost his entire career for making this noise. JPC, that's correct. Yes!

Sort of feels like Howard Dean stole that answer from him though.

Oh.

No, that was me. I was making... Listen to Howard Dean make the noise. And that's me. I was the second one. One more time? What?

Okay, JBC, can you leave a little more space between you and Howard Dean? Okay.

Yeah, you're really, like, chomping at his heels there. Let him finish. Fine.

Fine. Howard, please. Okay, and now I will go.

Why does yours have crowd sounds?

Howard Dean wins that round. Come on!

Okay, my first, we're back with Sydney's Rindles. My first is a sports fan's numerical unit.

Rindles. My second, in science, is a... Erin thinks she's on a Rindles podcast.

Erin is crying.

No! You can't make a single mistake here. You know, I might skip ahead to the email that a 13 year old girl sent in telling you guys to be nice to me.

I put together a little video montage for you guys of the last five years of just some stuff that I found, a little video that I found of us interacting on the podcast. And Casey, I think we're ready for this, right? And I would like to play it for you guys now. And just, you know, just as a little gift. It's been a great five years and I've really enjoyed all of it. What is this? Oh, Erin, look at you. Oh my God. You look so young. Ah! This is when Adal wore the crazy hat. Adal, where did you get that hat? I'm at Hot Tub! Do you guys remember this?

This is a video of an alligator eating a baseball coach. Adal, what are we watching?

Parasailing.

Oh my god, we went parasailing. Look at us, we're so high up! It's still a picture of an alligator eating a baseball coach. It's just inverted.

Oh no, this is, what do they call this? A garbage plate. Adal ate the whole garbage plate.

No, that's an alligator eating a whole baseball coach.

Oh my god, us on the beach! Oh Erin, you burned so bad that day.

You should have worn your big hat. That alligator's eating the baseball coach's hat.

Just in sepia tones? Oh my god, look at all the times I get, and these are, it's moving really quickly now. But god, five years, look at all, look at this. Wow.

Yeah, he's dead for sure.

It's hard to believe that we've gone through so much, but look at us. Here we are.

Oh, he superimposed us riding the alligator like a horse?

In sort of a victory lap?

Just a little gift from me to you guys. I wanted to put that little video montage together to kind of show you what we've meant to each other over the years and kind of all the things that we've accomplished.

Thank you, JPC. That was really moving.

What a sweet little tribute. Yeah. Wow. So JPC got 10 points for whatever that was that he said. And Erin, you get 50 points.

How are you tired? Are you okay? Have we broken you? Have we broken your spirit? You started this show with a song in your heart and a riddle in your hat. And I fear that we've broken you down over time.

That can't be right. Previously on Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Erin, JPC. What's up, dickbags? Fuck you, smacks, smacks, smacks. Oh, my throat, my nuts. Ow. Did you guys want to start a podcast?

No, fuck you.

It's about riddles. Farts, leaves. I'm going to beat up your dad. Oh, wow.

And that was last week.

That was episode 299.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are, we'll say that you're like of college age, late teens, early 20s. You're coming back home to your family house and in the front yard is a tree you planted when you were a kid. Janet, you are going to be this sort of giving tree who has seen Erin throughout the years and you're reconnecting after four years.

Oh my goodness, is that who I think it is? Hey, what's down Chainsaw?

Oh my gosh, you look so grown up. You look amazing. How are you? You look so good. Oh my god, you smell the same. Oh, thank you. Oh, it's so good to see you. Yeah, I'm surprised that you still talk. I thought it was sort of a whimsical childhood thing that I was imagining. Oh, no, this is a lifelong curse.

Ah, yes. As long as there's a stitch of me left, including my roots, I am going to die.

I'm Um, well, speaking of all of that stuff we've done, you must be exhausted. You must be sort of like feeling like you're done.

I feel good. I'm an extrovert. You know what I mean? So I recharge through my exchanges with people I care about like you.

Oh my god. You know, I'm sort of home from college. My parents are sort of putting me to work doing some yard work for them, mowing the lawn and stuff. Good for you. Earn a little extra scratch. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's so funny. You are sort of causing a little bit of a headache for my parents. You're dropping a lot of little things that fall from your tree onto their We're

When you're not here, all you do is scream. That's an exaggeration.

I'm just sick of that.

Your poor mother is laid up in the house. David, put the shotgun down, please.

I'm starting to get upset. I'm starting to get a little upset.

I'm doing it.

I'm doing it. I'm back in the house.

Please, please.

See? The Giving Tree.

Wow.

Get Foxtail Silverstein.

The book, The Giving Tree. We just did it.

The Pope is giving a speech. A man in the audience shoots the mayor who is behind the Pope. Why?

Is it like mayor, like a horse? Like the Pope is riding a horse, like doing a speech? Wow.

That's a good guess.

Why would the horse be behind the Pope?

I'm not going to tell you yes or no, but can I ask if it was a horse, a mayor? Solve that riddle. Why would a guy shoot a horse behind the Pope? That sounds like an old timey expression.

Yeah. This is like 1100 years ago. The Pope has gotten off his horse to give the speech, and so the horse is behind him. Someone shoots the horse to spook the Pope.

Let's do some more of these Ditloids. Okay, this one is 12 M of a J. 12 M of a J. Twelve months.

Twelve.

Twelve months of a January. Twelve monkeys on a jury. These monkeys can't pick out who's guilty. I do want to see this, dude. Uh-huh. Oh wait, is it 12 men, in brackets, angry of a jury?

I mean, JBC, you pretty much have it. If you just sort of zoom out of men into maybe a wider populace.

Or what if I zoom in on their members?

12 marks on a jury. 12 marks!

It is 12 members of a jury. JPC got it right by using backward math. If you want to see a scene. A.K.A. Jematria. JPC and Erin, you are two members of a jury. Erin, you are the one monkey of the jury. JPC, you're just one of the regular humans who's on the jury and you're trying to talk to the monkey to get them to agree to the verdict.

Yeah. Look, you're the only holdout, okay? The other ten, you know, people in there, they just want to go home and... He's innocent. He's not.

He's innocent.

I mean, he's really... the state... I mean, look, I hate the whole process here as well, but the state painted a pretty compelling picture. I mean, this is a... This is a pretty violent guy.

Oh yeah, remind me. Was there video evidence of him doing it? Was there a video of it?

Yes.

Yeah, I know. I know.

It's unmistakable. They even brought in an expert saying it could not be a deepfake. There were eyewitnesses. He confessed, which I know technically got thrown out. We're not supposed to talk about that, but... Right, right. We all just want to go home. Look, this is like a really... It's a pretty clear... Don't you have a family that you want to get back to?

Yeah, yeah, of course. I just think he's innocent. And I'm standing on principle. The monkey's holding something behind his back.

Hey, look, um... I see that you... I see that you have something behind your back, okay? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's, you're a monkey. I'm a human. I'm like four feet taller than you. I can see, I can see kind of at this angle, you're holding something behind your back.

Okay.

Do you just not want to leave? What is it? What do you have back there?

The defense handed me a banana.

No.

I swear I don't take bribes, but we've been here three weeks, we're getting paid $15 a day. Come on, man, please.

You know how many bananas you could buy with $15 a day?

Innocent. Innocent.

We cut to two hours later. All right. This trial has been going on for 22 days. Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, your honor.

Yes, your honor. Sorry.

Yes, your honor. I'm the foreman. And I'm the foreman.

This is the foremonkey. You made both. I don't know why.

Really? Because I put up a stink when you said foreman. I started to cry. I felt left out.

That's right.

Yes, your honor. We've come to a verdict.

We've come to a verdict. And?

We the people of the jury, and one monkey, and one monkey, thank you, find the defendant innocent. It pans to the jury and we're all eating bananas.

Guys! Guys! That's so dumb.

What starts with P and ends in O-R-N? What starts with P?

Popcorn. Parmesan. It's popcorn. Parmesan.

Good.

Good.

Parmesan. Welcome to Beverly.

Have some Parmesan.

It's me, Banal. More Parmesan on your salad. Welcome to Bainfully. Welcome to Bainfully. This is Bain of Good Bainfully.

Say when.

Say when on the phone. That's Bain as a waiter.

That's Bain working at a Maggiano's. Have you tried the tilapia?

And you know, sometimes people give up on our episode at like the 40 minute mark, and they always miss out because this is the type of shit that happens towards the end of the episode.

Did everyone leave room for Tiramisu?

Yay! I love it, I love it, I love it!

I do want to see a scene. Uh-huh. Oh, okay. Be careful. Be careful. Erin, you are walking in a wood. You come across the JPC who is a lion, and I am a bear.

La la la la la la. Oh! Ooh, scary.

Don't tell our wives. Hey, yeah.

Scene.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a cat, JPC is your kitten, and you're teaching him to fish.

Gotta be honest with you, this is mostly about getting out of the house.

Um, shouldn't we have like poles or like lures? It seems like you just have like a six pack of Amstel light.

Yeah. And some peace and quiet. That's sort of all you need for this. So, I used to bring the fishing rods out and stuff, but that's mostly just for show. Occasionally I'll reach down and use my claws to pull out like a koi fish. Expensive fish, but um... Mostly I just drink my beer and I think about, um, some of my exes.

Should- Should I- Should you be- Should I- Should I be privy to this? I mean, this seems like, kinda like, too much for, like, me, like a kitten, like, should- You're talking a lot.

I- For what this is.

Um- We don't- We're not ta- We don't talk? We don't talk at- Do you want your iPad?

My- Did you bring your iPad?

No! You said we're going out to the lake! I didn't bring my iPad, because it's the- it's the lake!

Can you imagine you're watching your little YouTube videos on your iPad and I'll just sit here and drink some beer and think of my exes?

Yeah, I mean, I guess I could just kind of imagine it like repress this later. I guess I could just repress this later.

No, you don't have to repress it.

I like you. I'm definitely gonna want to do that.

I'm definitely gonna want to repress this. No, no, no, you'll be fine. It's fine.

Could you tell me about something? Your exes? Maybe I get to know you better. We really don't have much time to ever, you know... I don't really know anything about you.

Welcome back to I mean, I don't really appreciate things until they're gone. That's sort of my curse on this planet, you know?

Well, maybe you could try to appreciate me while I'm here and we could fish together. Another deep sigh.

Amstel Light. Maybe your cats will drink it.

Oh, we just got a sponsor request from Amstel Light and they denied it before I could click yes. They can't afford us, honestly. Yeah, they can't afford us. Also, they absolutely can. And for cheaper than you'd think.

That backfired. That bit backfired.

An animal, and we learned this already so nobody freak out, we already gave you this terrible news maybe 100 to 200 episodes ago, an animal that can orgasm for up to 90 minutes.

I don't want to think about it. I don't think it's fair to bring that back up. I'm really sorry. I don't think it's kosher to bring it back up.

I know it's not kosher to bring it back up. Let's take a quick break in case you plug in that pig orgasm sound for the next hour.

No, no, no, no. I have old man puzzles. She's in charge. No, just play the pig orgasm sound without going to break. Can we at least talk over it?

That's all folks, or is it?

Are we talking over it right now?

Please tell me we're talking over it. Please tell me we're doing something, something to cut through the noise.

Teacher could be fun. Let's all try and match its tone. I love...

And I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but Ross, I think you're the person with the gunk in your ears in the thing that JPC was suggesting. You have gunk in your ears.

And Casey, turn up the pig orgasm in Ross' headphones. So if you're named Ross right now, you are hearing an unbearable squeal. Ross is going to do that really loud because all the gunk in his ears.

I mean, it's bearable. It's bearable.

Erin, why are you fanning yourself? Your cheeks are flushed.

Let's not even joke about me being horny about it.

If a pig can hear it for 90 minutes, y'all can hear it for the last 15 minutes of this episode, okay? That's not up for debate.

I'm dying! I hate it! I hate it!

Casey, listen to me. Listen to me. I'm your boss. Make this episode two and a half hours long. At the hour mark, our episode ends, and then I want you to put a 90-minute chunk of pig orgasm in at the end.

No. So many people are going to be like, ooh, a two and a half hour episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. This must be something special.

What a treat. No, no, no. Whoa, and Janet's there? A really special episode. I can't wait. Here's my issue with that. Normally, maybe 100 episodes ago, I'd go, Casey, of course, a 90 minutes of a pig orgasm to the end of the episode. Of course, of course. You've really matured. Thank you. But I also think my level of self-awareness, I have this overwhelming feeling that people are about to hit their wall with us. I think a lot of patience and goodwill are about to run out, and I think we're on the thinnest device, and I think that us in 2019-2020 maybe could have gotten away with a 90-minute pig orgasm. I don't think we have the goodwill for that, and I want to respect our listeners enough to know that we can't do that. What a beautiful speech.

I hope there was a pig orgasm playing underneath that speech. Erin, look around you, this is the Smokers Retrain. It's been auto-tuned so that it's playing the national anthem, but it's an auto-tuned pig orgasm.

You just added two hours of work to Casey. I hope you're happy, Janet.

I think the biggest problem that Casey's probably gonna bring up in the edit on this episode is that there is no open source pig orgasm. Like, sure, there's plenty of YouTube videos with pig orgasms.

So Casey's gonna need to make a pig orgasm.

Yeah, Casey, we do a lot of work with talking on the podcast. Why don't you just make a 30-second pig orgasm sound and loop it, Casey?

This podcast is about altruism. It's about altruism for humanity. And if there isn't an open source pig orgasm out there, then Casey, that's what your responsibility is.

It's making me nervous that we don't see Casey typing.

Casey's typing into a different browser, pig orgasm, open source, not royalty free pig orgasm, 90 minute minimum.

I'm not reading what he said, I'm not reading what he said.

I'll read it. Here's what I'll say. I'll read it because it is very funny. Casey wrote, fingers busy jacking this pig off.

And let's go on a break. That's me clapping. And we're back from that break. I hope anyone came back. I doubt it. I doubt it.

I can tell you who came back is the pig.

No. Okay, we're going on another break.

Hey everybody, we're back and I want to give a big shout out to our new audio editor. Please welcome Doreen. Doreen, say hi.

Alright, Doreen's dead. Take a break, take a break. And we're back from the final break. We're so sorry. Okay, here we go.

Our old audio editor is back. Please welcome to the show, our editor for the longest time, Piggy Jerky. I mean Daisy Pony. Hold on. Damn it.

Oh, I hate this. I hate this. It was the Barbra Streisand effect. I was trying to glaze over the pig orgasm.

Don't say glaze. What are you doing? Glazed ham?

Come on. And then I drew more attention to it. Oh, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate thinking about how we eat pigs and also, like, an orgasm. Well, you don't have to eat pigs.

That's the good news. You would deny a pig pleasure, Erin? Disgusting.

Guys, I actually... I am going to start gagging. All right. I felt that. I felt my gag reflex sort of turn on. Oh, no. You guys, did I tell you I'm having a thing? No, no, no, Jupiter. I'm actually done. We're getting the hell out of here.

We did it! Can we go on another break?

That might be my favorite episode of the week. I know.

Hey Riddle Riddle!

Uh, Erin Keif, are you ready?

I'm very ready, thank you, Adal.

Your options are Insanity Defense, Oh Melodious, and the third option is Understanding Big F... Uh, ho ho ho, Erin, it's me, uh, Boston Santa.

Love it.

I'm back to tell you once again about Aura, Aura Frame.

I love it. Tell me all about it. I love Aura Frames.

Oh good, from big events to the silly moments you capture every day like Santa eating a lobster roll, which I've downloaded into all your Aura Frames.

I already had it. I already had it.

That was a $35 lobster roll, Santa. Doesn't it sometimes feel like all your favorite photos are just stuck on your camera roll? Well, wouldn't it be great to have an easy way to share and enjoy them with friends and Bostonian family?

Mm-hmm. Auriframes are the best digital photo frames. They're so easy to use. They're so intuitive. You can send it to your old, old, old parents and they'll be able to set it up and have a bunch of photos they love, circles through their homes. It looks so great.

I like the one that we have in our house because my wife and I both have the app and so we'll change the pictures and upload them without like telling the other one and then you'll like walk by and see like a new photo that you hadn't seen before, which is really nice.

Of course, I'm wearing a Santa suit, but it's all Red Sox-themed.

I'm in love!

And if you want to fall in love, why don't you save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver matte frames by using promo code RIDDLE at checkout. That's Aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com, promo code RIDDLE, R-I-D-D-L-E. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.

Erin, did you want to go grab a cannoli?

I will follow you anywhere.

On Maki and Donnie and Blitza and Joey.

I'm so happy! You guys must see I'm looking a little smug today. I absolutely aced my Helix sleep quiz.

Oh, Erin, you were up all night studying for that, right?

Yeah, and turns out I didn't need to. It was super easy and only took two minutes and it paired me with a Midnight Luxe, the best mattress I've ever slept on on my whole life.

And I was joking about you being up all night. JPC and I checked on you and you were sound asleep.

On my Helix mattress? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you can study in your dreams though. You know, I just had this thought the other day, which is... This is gonna be a little scary, but I don't mind scaring our listeners because I think that they can handle it. I've had my Helix mattress for four years. I was like, Eventually, I will get to buy another Helix mattress. I'm like, I'm going, I'm going to have multiple Helix mattresses in my lifetime. And I was like, looking forward to a new mattress. I have to wait a little while because four years is not enough time to change out your mattress, but it's going to happen. It's going to come for me eventually.

I have a smart ring that I wear while I sleep and my sleep is going so well. I know you can't tell by my face because I have a very sleepy looking face, but I am a well rested lady.

Erin, how many hours a night are you getting?

40!

And Gemma and I have the best night's sleep of our lives on our Midnight Lux and all of our cats, including our new fourth cat, Martini, sleep on the bed together. And the amazing thing is, but also the dangerous thing is, we have room on this huge bed for, I don't know, 10 more cats? And we gotta fill that space.

You gotta fill that space. I was saying to someone this weekend how I will never go back from a king size. Once you have a king size mattress, it's game over. You can never go smaller. And I don't need to go bigger, but I'm thinking, you know, hey man, what are these days? What if I get taller?

Four kings. Four kings. All in a room.

So if you want to buy four king-size mattresses and use our promo code, we'd absolutely love that. Right now, you can get 20% off plus two free pillows for all mattress order. Just go to HelixSleep.com slash Riddle.

Erin, what did you get on your sleep quiz?

40 hours. No, sorry. Midnight Lux.

I'm going to have to look at this quiz, Erin, because I just don't know you're doing it right.

I don't know.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, Adal, Erin, there you are. Okay, this is, uh... What? I was gonna say this is perfect, but if you're here, then I can't test my new, where in the world is Adal and Erin website.

Oh, the one you made with Squarespace. Yeah. The all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

Yeah, so, I mean, the premise of Where in the World is Erin and Adal is pretty simple, you know, we have users submit things that they think smell like Erin or look like Adal, and then we use that to kind of triangulate your location, and it's kind of like a fun game for people to play, but if you're here, the game kind of can't play it.

Well, I'm trying to be supportive, and Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. It's like online courses, blogs, videos, and memberships. Earn recurring revenue by gating your content behind a paywall. Simply set the price and choose whether to charge a one-time fee or a subscription for access.

So you can, like, charge people to see... Yeah, if you become a member, I send you, like, a big magnifying glass that you can use to, like, look for clues to, like, find your exact location.

Weird. Cool, though. I'm into it, I think.

Yeah, almost as cool as Squarespace's design intelligence. Combining two decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential, JPC, design intelligence empowers anyone, including you, to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence.

Yeah, and I kind of use that to kind of like craft like composites of what YouTube may look like based on all the smells and things that people are submitting. So that's yeah. What do you think, by the way, of your avatars?

Yeah, I'm it's my body with a wheel of cheeses ahead.

I love it.

Yeah, and with Squarespace email campaigns, all of the tools you need to engage your subscribers, drive sales, and simplify your audience management. Set up automated emails to build connections while saving time and easily integrate your products into email templates to drive sales and increase site traffic. So if someone submits one of your smells, I can email blast that smell out to everybody and then they can be on the smell out, look out but for smells, for one of your smells.

I'm into this. So head to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Okay. Hey, look, I just got another email. Hold on, it's the same guy. Let me write back real quick. That is not what they smell like. Stop submitting it.

Adal, did you email him?

Yeah, sorry.

We get a lot of this guy.

Whew, and done. Adal GPC, I used all the money I saved using Rocket Money, where they canceled all the subscriptions that I wasn't using, to build a rocket that I'm going to take to space.

Okay, let me get this straight. You used all the money you saved by using Rocket Money, which is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unrunned subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings to build an actual rocket so you can take that rocket to space.

That's exactly what I say.

Now, Rocket Money has over 5 million users, correct me if I'm wrong, Erin, and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. But unlike those happy customers, you're going to go to space.

Yes, I saved $740 this year, and that's why I'm going to go to space.

Hey, you're wearing a lampshade and sweatpants.

Yes, I am.

So Rocket Money, which has a dashboard that gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts, lets you easily create a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep your spending on track, see your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money is going, and get alerts if bills increase in price, there's unusual spending activity, or if you're close to going up for budget. You use that. Exactly. To save $720. And that $720.

$740.

$740 has gone into a rocket. Yes. That you're gonna take to space.

And the lampshade's gonna help me breathe up there.

Okay, JPC and I are ready. Blast off, Queen. We want to watch. Blast off, Queen. Blast off, Queen.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E.

Whoa, JPC, look. She's doing it.

Ten. Nine.

Oh, wait.

Eight. Oh, she's not. Seven. Oh, she's not. Six.

She's running.

Five. She's just running in a circle.

I'm going to do insanity defense.

Hello, everyone. I'm Erin Keif, and I'm a defense attorney. And I'm here with Adal Rifai, who is a prosecutor. And the debate up for today on Insanity Defense, our new public access TV show that we run, is JPC, John Patrick Coan, from Indiana. Is that true?

Yes, he's from Indianapolis, Indiana. It says right here in his birth. Well, it's not a certificate. It's more of a birth shroud. It's sort of like the Shroud of Turin, but with his face.

Why is it glowing?

Clown makeup. I don't know. It's been doing that every time we say his name, it glows harder.

Okay. Well.

And I am the judge.

Oh God. Okay.

He's covered. And I am the judge.

You're covered in grease. What is this?

Grease.

Okay.

Asked and answered.

JPC, actually, we hadn't introduced you yet, but now that you are out here, you are going to sit in the throne in the middle of the set. And I am going to defend the fact that you are not insane. Wish you weren't covered in grease. This is going to be a little hard. And Adal, you are going to prove that he is insane. And whoever wins gets $100. That's right.

And you're not just going to be on trial for the two of us, JPC. You're going to be reviewed by a group of your peers. Now, what are peers? Peers are pretzels that we've dipped in beer. So all around the courtroom, you'll see there's a big pile of peers. Those are pretzel-soaked beers. Sorry, those are beer-soaked pretzels. The pretzel-soaked beers did not turn out how we wanted them to.

And next week Adal will be in the hot seat, of course, where JPC and I will both decide.

This is on me. Part of the reason I am so greasy is I did eat all of the beer pretzels. I totally misunderstood what this was. So I apologize.

We are going to begin with our opening statements. We're going to flip a coin. You can call it. He ate the coin. He ate the coin.

I thought it was a chocolate coin.

Let me call it. Let me call it. Okay.

5, 5, 5, 8, 2, 3, 4.

Oh, my coin's drinking.

Oh, boy. Hello?

Yes, is this the coin that was just swallowed by JPC?

Where am I?

That's not important. We're going to try and get you out.

It's awful in here. Oh, my God. There's live bees.

Ma'am, I know. This guy ate a shovel full of loose bees, I want to say like five years ago. Ma'am, can you tell us whether you're heads or tails?

Oh my god, the bee from the bee movies here. He's smoking and watching Seinfeld. He's smoking!

Holy shit.

Oh god, it's awful in here. Oh god, kill me! Kill me!

Well, we can't do that. Can you just tell us if you're heads or tails?

That's going to make a... Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound... So I was walking down the street, and all of a sudden, the cop screeches in front of me to get... It should be no smoking down there.

I've told him a million times, it's no smoking down there. It hurts my esophagus something fierce when they smoke down there.

Oh no, my phone's dying. Oh God, kill me, kill me. Adal, what was it?

Your Honor, all of that took place inside of JPC's head just now. Of course, Erin and I were silently standing while JPC undulated on the ground, and what we were able to project onto the TV using the head device JPC is wearing is what he thinks is happening right now.

Head?

Whoops.

Go ahead and reconfigure this. So sorry.

Your Honor, no further questions?

Great opening statements. I would like to counter with this argument. You know when someone steps on a nail and it causes a lot of damage and it goes through their foot and it is- A quiet place. Yes, exactly.

Home alone.

Exactly. What if it was a bed of nails and you lay down on it? The weight is distributed in such a way that those nails can't harm you anymore.

What the hell is this hole? Am I a puppet? What is this hole? This is like a hand hole for a hand to go in.

Stop it.

Sorry, I'll figure it out later.

Your Honor, JPC doesn't have legs. She's clearly a puppet.

Excuse me. I am in the middle of my opening statements. If JPC was just one thing, a puppet, a menace to society, someone who has Jerry Seinfeld or the bee from Bee Movie watching Jerry Seinfeld inside of him, yes, I'd be the first to argue that he is insane. But when all of these things come together, they shoot the moon. And we'll loop back around to normal. Yes!

Your Honor, objection. I'll hear it. I'll hear it. He doesn't have the Bee from Bee Movie watching Seinfeld in his stomach. He has the Bee from Bee Movie watching Seinfeld in his stomach while a quarter sings Amazing Grace. Didn't taste like a quarter.

Thank you for proving my point.

Tasted like a big nickel.

Tasted like a big nickel.

Thank you for proving my point. He's filled with money. He eats money more than he spends money, more than he saves money. And if that was all he did, he would be insane. But that's not it.

Your Honor, I'd like to call my first witness to the stand.

Look, we're getting pretty late in the day. Why don't we take lunch? Unzips backpack, pulls out a shoe, puts it on the table, pulls out another shoe, puts it on the table right next to the first shoe, pulls out a big jar of peanut butter, unscrews the lid. Big knife inside of the peanut butter, spreads the peanut butter all over the first shoe, glues it to the side of head. Peanut butter on the second shoe, glues it to the other side of head. And now I walk by slamming my head onto the ground over to the subway. What's happening, please? Your Honor, I rest my gaze.

Is that your witness?

Your Honor, I rest my gaze.

Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Give him a chance. He might order something normal.

I'm back. I'm back from lunch. They did not have a cookie sub, so I did not eat at Subway today.

Your Honor, he walked into Abbey Road Studios. That wasn't a deli.

Okay, okay. Fine, I'll do my closing remarks. Is this guy a puppet? Probably. Do characters like J.P. Riddles and a guy that just got electrocuted come a little too naturally to him? Yes. Did he casually announce the birth of his first child in a Patreon episode several months after they were born? Of course. Of course. I can't argue against that. But this guy is actually, look closer, a functioning member of society. This man is a homeowner. This man is a father. This man pays his taxes on time. He has a treadmill in his house, I think. This is a functioning member of society. He's not, he's not just a guy with the Bee from Bee Movie and a quarter singing Amazing Grace inside of him. He's a guy who has the Bee from Bee Movie and a quarter singing Amazing Grace inside of him. Thank you.

Thank you, Erin. Thank you. And a lot of people, I mean, look, I'm just me. I'm flushing bones. He's floating, Your Honor. He's floating. A lot of people have a skeleton inside of them because that's the bones they were born with. But I got a skeleton inside me because I ate a skeleton.

Okay, Adal, here's your $100. You win. That one I love. And that I feel good about.

That's a new Rue vs. Wade.

Is it?

They'll overturn that one too. Just as important.

Goddamn.

I do want to see a scene. Let's say, JPC, you are a renegade goat. And Erin, you and I are just like regular goats. And JPC has come back from maybe like a ayahuasca trip or something. And that's why he's got this new renegade personality. Good grass today, huh?

Yeah, so good. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Chester? Is he wearing a leather coat? Whoa, Chester.

Kinda. Couldn't quite, couldn't quite get it on that I'll make these for goats. What's up, nerds? What's up, sheeple?

Not much. Chester.

What are you guys eating? Grass?

Yeah, hillside grass.

Can you take off your sunglasses? Yeah, I can. Choose not to. I'm having Takis. You guys ever had Takis?

No, what's a Taki?

Dude, I can't even begin.

What are you Taki-ing about?

Alright, what's up Melissa? Kind of a new side to you I haven't ever seen before.

Oh, yeah, I'm just doing goat stuff this morning Chester. What are you up to? Is that a little tattoo on your hoof?

Oh, is this a tattoo on my hoof? Oh, that's right. I got wasted last night and got a goat tattoo.

What makes it a goat tattoo?

Today we're going

Yesterday, when you fainted in front of the whole herd, you seemed to kind of like run away embarrassed, sort of crying like a goat. And then now you have a leather jacket and a tattoo.

It wasn't me actually. Maybe actually I fainted or like kind of fell down because of how fucked up I was on ayahuasca. Don't know if you guys have ever had ayahuasca before, ever heard of that before?

The drug?

Okay, what's going on with you?

Melissa, what's going on?

I read a book, I know we're not supposed to. Melissa! I'm sorry.

Hey, hey honey, Melissa, honey.

Yeah, what's up?

We're happily married, right? I mean, every morning we graze on the hillside and then we fall asleep, we wake up, we graze some more, we fall asleep, we graze some more, we fall asleep.

I haven't been sneaking into the house and reading. Oh, good.

Go for Chester. Oh, yeah. Okay, what do they say?

Bluetooth headset.

No, if it's not points on the back end, I'm not interested. I don't get out of bed for more than four points.

Points on the back end? Is he wheeling and dealing? Does he have human money at his disposal?

He's pacing back and forth on two hooves.

Why don't you just call me Jeff when you've got it done, okay? What do I pay you for? Sorry about that guys. Fucking, that's my fucking agent.

Agent for what?

Oh, I mean just like, he technically does commercial stuff, but he's trying to like branch out and now he's like doing movie, you know, whatever, but like he's solid on the commercial stuff. I'm gonna let him run with it because it's like, you know, it's his bag too, but... Chester, you've changed.

New job, new tattoo, new haircut. Short on the sides, long on the top.

Well, you dropped these tickets. What is tickets? Amy Grant Christmas Special Grand Ole Opry? How are you affording Amy Grant tickets?

Well, one of these has my name on it. Chester! Melissa, no!

Well, it was supposed to be a Christmas surprise, but um... Chaz, if you look at the other ticket, it's got your name on it.

Oh, I can't read, so...

I can't read either. This is what the guy told me. Melissa can read. That seems like bigger news, right?

Hey, real quick. These are Amy Grant tickets for the Grand Ole Opry, right?

Well, that's what they smell like. Yes. But I don't know how I know how to read. We can smell.

I can intuit.

Scene.

That was a renegade goat, y'all.

JBZ, we're coming back to you. Are you ready for your next three? Yeah, I'm ready. Sister Who presents BloodSquad TV, What the Hell Was That?

We're gonna do What the Hell Was That? Welcome back to What the Hell Was That? I'm Rick Mixley. This is the only show where we interview people who just got hit by a car. Excuse me, ma'am, what is your name?

Oh! Ow!

Ma'am, I need your name. Ma'am, I need your name.

What is your name? Oh, my name is, um...

Carla can you name can you name all four members of the Beastie Boys?

Was it you did you hit me with your car then run out and put a microphone in my face?

Five, four, three, two, one. I'm sorry Carla. No, the Beastie Boys.

Ow!

Karla, what's 10 times 10?

Okay, 8, 5, F, 4, 1.

Get out of the fucking road! 8, 5, F, 4, 1. Karla, we're gonna need your answer. 8 times 5 plus 4 times 10.

Don't say numbers, I'm trying to remember your license plate. 8, 5 times 10.

Karla, do you know who is president right now? Karla, do you know who is president right now?

The Beastie Boys.

And who was president 100 years ago today? The Beatles. Carla, what is the tallest building in Dubai?

You hit me with your car!

Alright Carla, unfortunately we are looking at the board and you have lost. I'm sorry Carla, you have lost.

Take me to the hospital!

Alright, have a good day. What the hell just happened?

I'm Rick Mixley! She said it! I'm Rick Mixley! She said it! Alright.

Hey everybody, it's Rick Mixley. I'm back in the studio. Just wanted to announce, Carla did not make it. She died from injuries sustained at the scene of the accident. Let's have a moment of silence for Carla. I'm Rick Mixley. We're back with What the Hell Happened? This guy just got hit by a fucking car. Sir, what is your name? Oh, my back. Sir, your name, is your name my back? Sir, what is your name? No, my name is Ryan Black. Ryan Black, you are our next contestant. Ryan Black, how many feet away from the moon is the sun?

A thousand.

What's Santa Claus's birthday, Ryan Black? December 25th. That's Jesus's birthday. Not even close.

He wouldn't give gifts on his birthday, June 1st.

Ryan Black, how many blankets are in a standard hotel bed? Four. Ryan, you are not doing well, my man. And that's not just because you just got hit by a car, it's because you're really bad at this game. Ryan, you have an X, a V, an R, an S, a T, a U, and a W. Do you want to solve the puzzle?

Uh, Ad Rock, Mike D, um, who's the third? Hey everybody, this is Rick McSleep.

It's Rick with my car. Hey, I'm Carla's sister. Hey, what's your name? What's your name? Rick Mixley. Oh, is it? Rick Mixley. Or is that a stage name? You thought.

No, my name is Mick Rixley. I know. I would have never made it in Hollywood with a name like Mick Rixley.

Hey everybody, this is Billy Eichner. I just want to say that I'm glad that Rick Mixley got hit. He tried to present me with a new show called Billy in the Street.

What is your name? For a dollar!

For a dollar, what is your name? Scene.

Scene. Scene.

Alright, small meme or large, you go to the grocery store and it's absolutely packed. You struggle to find parking. When you enter the store, it's chaos. There are people running around, pushing and shoving, and an employee doing their best to clean up an absolutely destroyed fresh fruit display. You ask them what's going on, and they say everyone's trying to get these new baked beans. Baked beans, you say? What's so special about baked beans? The employee tells you that they're absolutely crazy. Apparently, they taste like nothing you've ever had before. They say they're life-changing, but good luck getting them. They're completely sold out, and they hope they never get another delivery. They go back to cleaning up their mess. You finish shopping, and you're checking out. The lines are incredibly long, and there's only two lanes open. As you're waiting in line, that stretches back into the aisle. A person pretends to be reaching over you to grab something on the shelf, and then they sneak their cart in front of you. You tell them, nice try, but they can't cut the line. They get indignant and start to yell to make a big scene, but you keep your calm and tell them to get to the back of the line. They make a big scene of turning their cart around and they knock into yours. And when you go to the checkout, you notice that one of their items must have spilled into your cart. It's that new kind of baked beans. You figure, why not? And you load it onto the conveyor belt to have it scanned. But when it is scanned, you notice that the screen says that they're charging $100 for a can. You tell the cashier that there's a mistake and those aren't yours, and then they lower their voice a little and they ask you if you're sure. They say that the rumor is that Congress is going to ban them soon, and this might be your only chance to try them. They say the baked beans are insane, and you'd have to be insane to miss this opportunity. You aren't sure about it, but you don't want to miss out, so you agree to pay the $100 for the beans. On the way to your car, a man calls out to you. He says he was in line behind you and he overheard your conversation. He can tell that you weren't really sold on the beans, but he'll give you $200 cash right now to take them off your hands. He's right. You don't even know if you want to try the beans, so you agree to the deal. He reaches into his wallet to hand you the cash. Small means we're large. What denomination do you think these bills are in?

What a rollercoaster. JPC, do you mind reading this one again?

And as you can see, the sloth will take its time coming towards the food here. And just lay your hand real flat.

Just lay your hand very flat. And the sloth is going to grab that.

Whoa.

And once again, I'm going to ask everyone here in the meet and greet audience, if you are on drugs, please do not come near the sloth.

The sloth can... Well, you could tell?

I can't, but the sloth can sense it. It is a pretty natural ability of the sloth to be able to detect drugs, and it will drive him insane. So just make sure no one has drugs.

Oh, I'm not on drugs.

Is there a question, I guess a question for the sloth or the man for the sloth. I guess the question is for in terms of drugs what is not or what is it to is maybe is to having drinks if you bought legal alcohol drinks at the zoo bar

Sorry, what my husband's trying to say is if the orange juice you had had too much mimosa in it at the zoo bar.

I bug him about this woman so much because she absolutely reads my mind when it comes to this stuff.

Baby.

Any other questions?

How does the sloth know How does the sloth know when it's in love?

That is a great question. Now, if you're talking about a three-toed sloth... I know when I was in love.

Minute one, day one, second one, week one, year one.

She's gonna tell the story. She's gonna tell the story.

If you say second one, you don't have to go into minute, hour, day, week. No, that's all implied.

That's all implied. Do we replace orders for mormonosis through you or does a waiter come by or does a bar come by?

More mimosas! Mimosas, please!

The mimosas are only available in our BOA bar, which is of course the snake-themed restaurant and grill.

I'm gonna tell the story. I was on the Ferris wheel, I'm gonna read the notebook. And I was on the Ferris wheel and I didn't think I needed the seatbelt and I fell off and I broke my neck. Three years later. Three years. I'm at a Nordstrom Wrap, and I see a handsome man. And he's buying pants, and I go, why do you need pants when you can cover up a butt that good? And he laughed, and he introduced me to his brother, and that's my husband. I'm sorry, you fell off a Ferris wheel and broke your neck and lived? Thrive.

Not just live, thrive. She thrive. She thrive. Oh, you're you're the you're the special guy, huh?

Husband, man, when you listen to the story, I got the hottest brother in the world.

You've got the hottest brother in the world. OK.

I saw the brother North from back and hit on him. And then he introduced me to his brother. And now we get the most obsessive snake room. We get the snake room. My brother's married.

He's a good guy. He would never throw away what he's got with Catherine just for, you know, just a chance encounter in the North American. We were actually there buying pants because all of my pants got stolen because I was involved in a cryptocurrency fraud.

So again, this is mostly for kids. For the kids, is anybody here enjoying this?

All the kids are as silent as a little church musician.

Any kids here a fan of Bluey? Anybody like Bluey? I see a few hands. Now what we have here is a, well it's a dog, we've dyed blue.

I don't mean to speak tens out of turn, but my wife gives some of the best blueys I've ever had in my life.

I'm sorry! They're good, not great. I have a friend, she gets great ones. I get good ones.

Nah, you've never had a bluey from a woman with a broken leg before? It's all worth it, baby.

Mm-hmm, and my husband gives the best bandit and bingo's this side of Australia.

Mm-hmm.

A round of mimosas for the whole children, please.

Yeah, mimosas for the children too because it's just orange juice.

Hey hey um Mikey hey hey hey hey buddy hey um hey oh my god hi uh oh my god are you eating a tuna sandwich smells so good I would love that been craving that you know how you told me to come with you come to you not with you uh with only good news um because I sort of I'm a classic fuck up here at the zoo Mikey you know what I'm talking about you know how normally I would only come to you with good news

I get 15 minutes a day to eat my tuna sandwich. Just 15 minutes and that's all. I'm just trying to eat my tuna sandwich. It's 15 minutes.

And Mikey, I considered the timing of this and I made a calculated choice and I decided that if once you find out what I'm going to tell you, you're going to be glad I interrupted the tuna. The tuna 15. The tuna 15.

Don't keep saying it like that, it's nothing. What did you do? Janet, what did you do?

Did I? Did I do it? The implications that I did something, and in this time it would be correct, but it also is sort of a bit of a mystery to be solved in a way, Mikey. There's sort of a game afoot currently here at the zoo, Mr. Mikey, sir. Can I have your pickle?

Now, it's in the sandwich. It's chopped up pickle in the sandwich.

How could you get it out? It is in the sandwich and it is calling my name.

Get your fingers out of my... Okay, take it. It's yours. It's yours. I don't want it now.

on the show.

I'm your boss, you can't say stuff like that to me.

I know, and this I actually do know.

You took a class. You took a three hour class.

I took several classes. Three hours over three days, one hour each day. Good HR, great HR.

No, it was supposed to be three hours each day.

Yeah, but I sort of got overwhelmed with the amount of information that they let me sort of parse it out. Anyways, Mikey, any plans for the weekend? That's not why I'm here. Mikey. Something did happen, and it did happen so fast, and it is currently still happening. And that's the Tuna 15.

No, that's nothing. The Tuna 15 is nothing.

Please. Can't it be though? And speaking of things being nothing, I'm so sorry about just the last couple months. I know I was sort of a risk hire for you. A risk, you called it. And I know that I've not been up to your standards, or anyone's standards, really. And I want to apologize for that, and I will have something more to apologize for once you find out what happened.

Janet, I would love for you just to tell me what you did, okay? We don't need to relitigate everything.

God, is that a Diet Coke? Can I have the one sip? I'm sort of crashing.

I just opened it. You just heard me open the Diet Coke.

Do you like my haircut? I hate it. I hate my haircut. Do you like it?

What am I supposed to say? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I like it.

Mikey! I need more time to sit with it. You're buzzing. It's hard to give you do's like this when you are in such an intense mood. Take a deep breath. It'll be fine when you find out what happened at the zoo.

I just need you to tell me what happened at the zoo. Please, Janet, just tell me what happened. At this point, I don't even think you're going to be in trouble. I know that you're not well-equipped. You're newish here. It's probably not your fault. I just need to know what happened, so I need to know how to respond to it.

Is a pain in your heart a panic attack because of what you did at the zoo, or could it be a heart attack? Or could it be a heartburn from the pickles and the Diet Coke?

You put pickles in the Diet Coke?

I mean, where else am... I'm on the go. I'm trying to... Finish it.

Finish it. Finish it. Where else am... Finish.

I can't... Where else am I gonna put the pickles? I'm mad. It's the 2 to 15.

No, it's not the 2 to 15.

Oh my God. Could you open a window, Mikey? How do you breathe in here, Mikey?

We're on a patio. This is a patio. There's no windows.

We're on a patio. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh my God. I would love if I had a pool. Do you have a pool?

I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. You're eyeing the polar bear exhibit and you cannot go in that pool.

I would love to.

But you can't.

Why?

Because the polar bear is in there and it would not respond well to a person being in there.

I don't know. Clarice gets to go in there. Polar bear trainer my fucking ass. Fuck her. I didn't mean that. Janet!

Janet!

I learned to not say that in that class I took. I'm really, really sorry. Alright, I'll come out and say it. I'll just say it. It's the 2 to 15. This is a sacred time of day. I will just say what happened. You and I love each other. We're best friends. We're close. Nope. There's sort of a flirty vibe between you and me. No, Janet!

You're gonna have to take the class again. You're gonna have to take the class again.

Ah! I'm so boring! It's three hours that I only go to an hour of. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I could say it. It's easy to say. But isn't it so weird when you start to be aware of the stuff that you're saying? And you're like, oh, I am a robot. I am talking in words.

Welcome back. That's my Diet Coke. Well, here, I'll do it in Diet Coke. I'll get a little on my finger. You finish the whole Diet Coke. There's no Diet Coke left.

No. You know what? Verbal agreement. I cannot get in trouble.

You won't get in trouble because your dad's own the place.

Can't. Won't. Chant. Wouldn't. Couldn't. The tune of 15. The lions are loose. I let the lions out. They're loose. Hello, I am Claudia Peterson coming to you at the top of the hour from the Columbus Zoo. I am here because there are several lions loose here at the zoo. We are unsure of how they got out. I think they got out during the tune of 15 earlier this afternoon. We will be coming to you For the rest of the night, live coverage here at the zoo. We don't know if they're still on the premises. We don't know if they managed to wander into downtown Columbus. But we have all of our best guys on it, and we will be bringing you information as it comes in.

That's right, Stephanie. And I am here on the interstate, right outside the zoo, where several ostriches. Was that right? Ostriches? Ostriches. Several ostriches. Several ostriches have Brought traffic to a screeching halt with some eggs being laid on the hoods of cars.

So what I'm hearing is there are multiple animals loose from the zoo today. This must be a PR crisis for them. They must be freaking out. Actually, I have the head of the zoo here. Hello. Do you have time for an interview, sir?

Oh god, that's a severed head. Cut away. Cut away. Cut away. Thanks, Stephanie. Thanks, Stephanie. The lion is batting around the head. It looks like one of the owners, I think that that's Joe, one of the owners of the zoo. It looks like a lion has ripped his head off.

Oh my god.

Oh boy.

Oh my god. Back to the studio.

How are the parents in the music?

Hey there. Oink oink oink.

And God, this sucks.

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That was a hate gun podcast.