Which Riddle Riddle?

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The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice. Did you guys get this cryptic letter?

Oh, what is the... What's it say?

What's it say?

Okay, you didn't get it. You didn't get it. I'm not reading it.

No, no, I got it. I'm cool, and I probably got it. But what's it... What's your say?

No, I guarantee that you didn't get this cryptic letter. The cryptic letter said it was just for me, but I was like, you all showed up holding paper, and I assumed you guys all got the cryptic letter.

Well, my wife got taken. And so this is like magazine letters. Unmatching. She won a trip? What happened? Yeah, she won a trip. She said I'll be home in a year, so... Mine is just a blank piece of paper.

I thought we could play tic-tac-toe today.

What's yours, JPC?

Well, I got a cryptic letter that said meet at the crossroads at midnight. What are you guys doing here, by the way, at the crossroads at midnight?

Bone Thunks and Harmony concert. I assume.

Looking for you. Okay, thank you for finishing it. I have to assume.

I have to assume.

What's that?

I think that's a 645 train going by.

Is that Janet Varney wearing a cape?

Holy shit! Hey! Janet Varney? Hey! Hey, it's me! The fourth host! Hey!

Is she opening it for Bone Thugs? Janet Varney opening for Bone Thugs. That's a lot.

Hey, did you guys get this cryptic letter?

Thank God. I knew I wasn't crazy.

Mine just says, wait, ask JPC about his cryptic letter. That's my cryptic letter. Is that weird? That feels like it's kind of a weird letter.

Wait, if you didn't write the letter, Janet, and JPC didn't write it, it must have been...

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- New Mexico guest Tin Machine, Denitra Vance, Joe Piscopo, a short film by Albert Brooks. We won't be doing them after the first seven episodes or so. It didn't quite work out.

You can get stuck in that voice. JPC got stuck in that voice for three years. It was horrible.

Say, did you guys get the cryptid letter?

Wait, you got one?

It should be a cryptic letter. I called it a cryptid letter because apparently I got one that's actually a large monster.

Yeah, I'm this close to catching the Muffman. That's what I call Richard Gere.

I can honestly say the most arrogant you've ever sounded, JPC, is you saying I'm this close to catching the Mothman. That's the most arrogant you've ever sounded. I can't believe I'm saying it, but it's true.

I agree. I'm at best decades away. That's so close.

Janet Varney, Paul Sabourin on our little podcast, An Absolute Dream Come True. I had the absolute pleasure of being on the JoCo cruise with these two and I am not exaggerating when I say I had the time of my life. Now Paul, Janet, do you get that a lot about the JoCo cruise of people saying that they had the best week of their life?

A surprising amount of time. And by that, I mean when anybody says it, it's very flattering. But yes, it's a very good time. It's a week-long... Hey, I'm kicking into plugs already. It's a week-long sort of nerd-themed cruise with comedy and music and podcasters and writers and gaming and all sorts of people exploring all sorts of enthusiasms in a cool, awesome, inclusive, welcoming atmosphere. And also there's fruity drinks and beaches every so often.

Well, this is all really sweet and stuff, but you're making the people on this podcast right now feel bad. Like, they're not going to be on the cruise.

Oh, you would think that, wouldn't you? Well, if you look on the back of your cryptic letters, you will see invitations for all of you to participate in JoCo Cruise 2025, happening March 2nd through 9th, 2025.

Gosh, quick, Adal, make sure there's not a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony concert you'd be missing, because I know you wouldn't go if that were the case.

I mean, there's always a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony concert I'm missing.

Well, we'll just wait. They might be announcing more special guests. We don't know that Bone Thugs won't be joining the Joker crews.

Well, they might be Giants is going, but possibly Bone Thugs-N-Harmony could be joining.

Maybe they might be Giants on New Crossroads.

Yeah, maybe, maybe they might be giants. Is that like a cross stick of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony somehow? There you go.

But yeah, no, you're all coming to JoCo Cruise. I'm so excited. I am so thrilled. It was truly my favorite week of the year this year. Paul, you made me, this is not going to make any sense out of context, but Paul made me laugh so hard I got sick. I was watching, uh, it was James' piano, like, show, I think, um, and the piano was right by the casino, right?

Yeah, it was like a piano bar, like, right next to like an open casino and stuff, yeah.

And I'm sitting at the piano bar and I'm watching the show and there's a game of pushy quarters, a very loud game of pushy quarters happening. You know that casino game with the quarters that you put it in?

You drop a quarter and it falls down and little levers shove them out and shove them down to the next level. Yeah. Theoretically.

And whatever it's called, it should only be called Pushy Quarters.

It is Pushy Quarters.

Yeah. Paul, every year there's a Pushy Quarters.

I'll tell you, I went to the Pushy Quarters in St. Louis one time, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Stay far away from the Pushy Quarters.

Oh, you went to the French Pushy Quarters, which is a lot of drunks and bars.

We will miss you. Let's be pushy with you at Wall.

That's got the second E with the accent, you on it, and that's a whole other beast.

How would you describe this? There's like a Pushy Quarters event on the ship.

Yeah, it's actually a number of years ago. And actually, I think Paul F. Tompkins, of all people, who will also be on the cruise this year, funny enough, but like he sort of was talking about this game and we were all sitting around and enjoying sort of how ridiculous it is and the fact that it's in a casino. And it's somehow that turned into us all going down to the Pushy Quarters game and deciding to stand around it as if it were like the most exciting craps table. What's up?

But this pushy quarters event was the same time as James' show. And so Paul went down to sort of nix the pushy quarters event and then came over to the show and went, Hey, I'm gonna let them scream for five minutes, get it out of their system, and then I'll be back. And then Paul, you came back over and said, He said, don't worry guys, now it's called Shushy Quarters. And he didn't even look behind him when he said the joke. He didn't even wait to get the laugh. He was in motion when he said, don't worry guys, now it's called Shushy Quarters.

It was a drive-by.

It was a drive-by joke, and I lost my fucking mind. Yeah, I was a little drunk. I was a little bit drunk. I don't care, Janet. I don't care. I'll tell anyone. I was a little bit drunk, but I lost my mind that I had to get up and leave James' show. I was causing a disturbance. Oh, I laughed so hard.

That's a service I provide every single passenger at some point during the week. I will just do a little drive-by joke that will cause you to collapse or otherwise have health issues.

Shushie Quarters also sounds like a Downton Abbey spinoff or something.

Yes. Okay, take all my money. I'm ready to watch it. Not so loud, please. Shushie Quarters.

Yeah, everything is similar, but just in whispers. The chauffeur is an actor. Thanks for watching.

So Janet, you've been on the show 150,000 times, so we've asked this to you before, but Paul, what is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, etc.?

It's sort of love-hate. I generally love them, except when I don't, and I can't predict when I'm not going to love them. So hopefully that won't come around in the next 60 minutes or so. But for the most part, I'm a big cheese ball, and I love Hey Riddle

And Janet, not to leave you out, this is the second time that you've been on the show with a man named Paul, so what the fuck is going on with you?

In honor of our guest, are you appalled by that? Oh my god.

That's working several different angles at once.

I haven't even stretched yet, hold on.

Careful, Janet, careful!

Just so you know, Janet, we do have a very popular segment on this show called Paul Ruddles. So if you ever want to bring Paul Rudd on the show, we're more than willing to make that happen because I think he would really enjoy doing some of our Paul Ruddles.

I agree and I'm on it. How far away did you say you were from catching the Mothman?

It's decades. I would use that general timeline for me getting Paul Rudd on the show. Yeah, when he said he was this close, his arms were so far apart.

Very quickly, I do want to say, just before we get any emails about it, Paul, you mentioned breaking a funny bone. I do have to legally say the members of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony are as follows, Busy Bone, Crazy Bone, Lazy Bone, Wish Bone, Flesh and Bone.

Wishbone is in there?

The dog? Wishbone the dog from PBS, yeah.

That's cool. I love that for him.

That's actually... I have to say, what you've just done, Adal, is pretty appropriate for the warm-up I prepared as... What?

We just hopped on the Segway.

Wow. I can only assume Casey's putting in a drum roll. I am Old Man Puzzles and I'm an actress.

First of all, if I fart Erin, you'll know it. Because you'll be leaving the room that you're in. How do you feel?

What's going through your mind right now?

This is like a pregame interview.

My heart was racing in a way I wasn't prepared for before we started recording. I was like, wait, usually I just come in here and ruin the episode passively, not unlike you enjoying riddles and puzzles passively, Paul. Imagine now you are stuck in the driver's seat and you're going to actively ruin it. You're going to actively ruin it. Um, so I'm feeling very nervous, um, but also I'm excited and hopeful. The reason that, uh, prompted this, um, stirring event is that when I was at a convention this year, um, a wonderful, and I cannot believe I'm blanking on your name, you know I love you, and you came and you gave me this book, and I'm just blanking, and I, and then there was an inscription, and I was like, oh my gosh, he inscribed it to me, and then I realized, no, this is like a It's been inscribed from like 1950 for Ruth Dyson. So Ennis Reese is not the person who gave this to me, and I am not Ruth Dyson. But it is a very cool, and obviously I know we're not a visual podcast, but it's a very cool book, very cute, and it's called Riddles Riddles Everywhere. And there's a man. No, well, I guess it's like a, I don't know, is it a founding father? He has a little ponytail with a ribbon. That's usually code for that, right? And then maybe a child or another small person holding on tight and the horse. Everyone's happy. Everyone's excited in this drawing on the cover of Riddle Riddles everywhere.

Janet, is it worth leaving a little pause so if we remember the person's name we can drop it in later?

Yeah.

No, no, no. That's not a name.

That's strike two. I'm gonna take away your soundboard. First of all, Erin, you don't know everybody's name, okay? Just so you know, you don't know everybody's name. You might think you know everybody's name, but you don't know everybody's name. Some people's names are that.

Don't fart name shame, Erin.

Oh, I'm the bad guy? I'm the bad guy?

Yeah. Well, what's the alternative, Erin? The bad guy's me?

Janet, I'm so excited that you're Old Man Puzzles. My God, I feel so much safer. No offense.

Oh, don't feel safe. Don't feel safe. You haven't read any of the riddles in the book. So I must beg you not to feel safe in any way, shape or form. But the warm up is something that I came up with my friend and partner, Brandon, quite some time ago. And it's just based off this dumb thing that he and I do together. And then we were walking in the streets of New York City and got on this weird, dumb run of doing these little crazy, stupid make-em-ups. And I was like, oh, this could almost be, and I stress almost, and yet we're doing This could almost be like a fun game for Hey Riddle Riddle. So I held on to my little list, which I revisited this morning, realizing I had no memory of what any of it meant. And then I had to put the pieces back together very, very quickly. to shape this game as our warm-up game. Now, this is a game that we made up that is involving bees, okay? We like bees. Bees are important pollinators. They're wonderful. They don't actively want to sting you because they will give up their sweet, tiny bee life if they do. We love all types of bees, and so we are going to be playing a little bee-guessing game where you help me identify what type of bee I'm describing. To give you an example, these guys are tiny and love to fly real fast with some help. What kind of bee is it?

Bee tube bombers. Boobies.

That's a really good answer, but I said it's tiny. Tiny.

And they like to help other people, right?

No, they can only fly fast with some help.

So if I said, this gal loves teak outdoor furniture, what kind of bee would it be?

Oh, what, um... Teak outdoor furniture.

And don't overcomplicate it. Just think about, like... Patio bee. What is teak made out of?

Creighton bee rules. Wood bee rules.

Wood bee! It's a wood bee! Wood bee! Oh, wow. Okay? Does that make sense?

I have to reorient myself to... No, you have to reorient yourself. Yeah.

We're going in here now.

These are very special bees. Now I'm on your wavelength. Paul, you're the one who doesn't have to... You got that one. You don't have to reorient. You're good. Yeah. We have to reorient.

Yeah. Okay. This guy gets high on a wet morning. There's two clues.

Doobies, doobies, doobies, doobies, doobies.

That's right. It's a doobie.

Mountain doobies.

These are so good. It's a doobie. Okay. It's a doobie. All right. These guys love to scare you on Halloween. Boobies. Boobies. That's right. Okay.

This group is mad, but they'll still chase you down to get up close and personal.

Janet, is there any chance that it's paparazzi?

Hey Janet, can I talk to you for a second? Hey Janet, can I talk to you for a second? Hey Janet, you look beautiful today. Thank you so much. It's not ever going to be paparazzi. But could it? Look, I need this win so bad. Gemma got kidnapped.

What are you guys talking about? I heard she just went on a trip. Nothing. Any other answers other than paparazzi? They're mad. And I mean real mad. Angry paparazzi. Maybe not of their own volition, but maybe they're just really mad and they want to get up really close and really personal. Maybe with like their teeth.

Oh, uh, bee raccoon-tas. Yeah. Close with their teeth. Bee raccoon-tas.

I think they all end in B instead. None of them start with B. Okay.

Okay. Cecil B. DeMille. Close up. Cecil B. DeMille.

Yeah.

They follow you around, you said?

They're gonna, yeah, they're really, really angry. They seem really angry, but they still are going to, like, chase you to get close to you.

Tenesta, tenesta, tenestabies.

Like tenacity? Do you give up on this one? Gerbies. I give up.

Yeah. Rabies.

Raybees.

Oh, you should have said the other part where they all look like Ray Donovan.

I know. Listen, there's no rhyme or reason to the way these clues work, so good luck. A continued good luck to you. These guys always order the Whiskey Bacon Burger.

Applebees. That's right. Chillbees.

This insecure group copies Cool Kids. This insecure group of people.

So today is the first day of the rest of our lives. We are going to become popular.

We are going to rule the school. And the brainstorming session starts now.

Well, it sounds like you already started by, you know, talking like a sweat hog.

Thank you so much. I'm glad you noticed. Mr. Cotta, Mr. Cotta, is that right? Oh, boom, boom, boom.

We were all born in 2007. How do we know these references to a 1970s sitcom?

TikTok is always the answer. Hey, um, can you guys just fill me in on what you guys decided? I'm just eating lunch because I know we're meeting at lunch, but it's also like the only time to eat lunch. So Denise, no, stop. I'm hungry. You can't.

No, you can't eat your nerd lunch here. We're trying to be cool now. Trying to be cool.

What do you? So what do we not get to eat? Or is there some kind of cool lunch we're supposed to be eating?

We get to eat, but no sandwiches, no Lunchables. Shakoodery.

Nerds say what? What? What? Yeah. Oh no. Losers.

What's up, Biff?

Biffy?

Make sure we shouldn't be mean to each other all the time. Is that how you be cool?

No, Biff Biffy's not cool. He's one of the least cool kids in school. He's just a bully.

That's what you said. Right guys? Up top.

Don't sink to his level, Denise. What's going on with you? Guys, Carl, what are you doing?

I don't know. I don't know. That's the problem. I don't know where to go from here. What's cool on TV? Besides Mr. Cotter, of course.

Yeah, Mr. Biffy Biff, what's cool on TV nowadays?

Uh, you guys talking to me?

Don't talk to him. He's even less cool than us. What are you guys doing?

What do you mean I'm less cool than you? I'm a fucking teacher, man. You guys are nerds. You think teachers are cool, Mr. Biffy? I think I'm cool. I drank beer this weekend.

Losers. Whoa! How many? You drank beer all weekend.

Everyone knows.

I feel like I smell the beer right now.

You drink it in your car. Mr. Biffy is the best ethics teacher I've ever had.

Yeah, I'm a fantastic ethics teacher, and I had 12 beers every day this weekend. That's so cool.

Mr. Biffy, I'm not sure if you're supposed to be in, like, the kids' lunchroom during lunch. Don't you have, like, the teacher's lounge you can go hang out in or something?

They don't want to talk to me in there. Oh. You guys, should we let Mr. Biffy sit with us? Do you guys have an open seat?

Well, here's a question, Mr. Biffy. Who's your favorite sweathog from Mr. Cotter? Good question.

I'm very young. I don't know what that is. Can I borrow some of your lunches? My wife left and now no one grocery shops.

Yeah, of course, of course. Here you go.

When are you gonna give them back?

Uhhh...

You don't know?

You don't know? Like the cool stuff? Come on, I'm trying to be cool, guys. Oh, you don't know? You don't know the cool stuff? Whatever, nerd. I bet you want to hang out with Mr. Biffy. You're so uncool. Oh, choosy bombs choose Biffy.

I think Mr. Biffy can take my spot. I'm just going to risk it and try showing up to a different lunch table and just see if I can hang.

All right, good luck. Good luck.

What's up, guys? What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up?

Oh, he's talking to himself at a table over there. That's so sad.

Oh, brother. This gal has a responsibility to fulfill. Susan B. Responsibility. Responsibility B. Responsibility. Responsibility B. It's a little more... Simple than that, think back to the one who liked Teak Furniture. But this one has something they're supposed to do. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be.

Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could be. Could

Again, just an extension of what I just did.

Maybe.

Will be. Is able to.

Did be. Can be. Could be.

Yes, I... Will be.

Will be. Can be.

A wallaby.

Wallaby.

Would be. Ooh, those are really good. Wonder wallaby.

It's a can be. It's a can be. Ambidextrous. Alright, those are dumb. These critters have a bit of skin problems.

Oh, um, Sariah Bees.

So close. So close. Yeah, really close.

Ex-be-ma. Eggs, yeah, eggs-a-ma-bee. Eggs-be-ma.

Eggs-be-ma. Don't think human, think animal.

Oh. Rabies. Rabies. Scabies. Scabies.

Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies.

Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies.

Scabies.

Scabies. Scabies. Scabies.

Scabies. Scabies.

Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies. Scabies.

Sc

I want to see a quick scene. Adal and Paul, you are getting brunch together. And all of the things, and Erin, you're the waiter, all of the things on the menu are egg related, but also kind of like in an unappetizing way.

All right, cool. Thanks for meeting me here, Adal. I've heard good things about this place, but I've never been here. What you gonna get on your omelet? What's on the menu?

Uh, typically I do like a, like an eggs Florentine or something, but this, hold on, this looks a little different. The specials here, egg.

Hey, everybody. Welcome in.

Hi.

Hi. Can I get you some bottomless raw egg mimosas to start? Or how are we feeling? We drinking today? Well, I don't know if I can go raw egg mimosa.

Very rocky of the restaurant.

Do you have anything on, you have anything on, on draft?

Oh yeah, we got several IPAs with raw eggs. Let's see, what else? Do you like a hazy IPA, because it's hazy because of the egg? Do you have anything with a little less, like, egg?

Yeah, like less egg, or like, no egg?

No egg, any eggless? Oh, can I get like a non-egg-aholic? Is that a thing?

Our eggnog has no egg in it, but everything else is gonna be filled to the brim with egg. What's in the eggnog? I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know.

Just a glass of dust?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. So, you know, I'll just get drinks on me. I'm gonna bring you a couple egg-filled Bloody Marys, and I will be right back.

Okay. Any guesses as to what they're gonna garnish this thing with?

I mean, it's probably gonna be like yolk or like dusted yolk or something. Maybe it's like just the shell, the empty shell. Oh, yeah, like use that as like a serving dish or something. Paul, how do you feel about getting up and leaving? I'm for it.

How do we do it without making you guys gonna leave?

You guys trying to leave? Sorry. Well, no, I haven't. I'm at the other table. I don't mean to pry.

I'd stay if I were you guys.

I'd stay if I were you guys. I'm a regular here. I'm a regular here. I'd stay if I were you.

So far it's a little, I don't know, it's a lot more eggy than we were expecting. Does it get better or different? It's very novelty.

I just want good food. But it's very eggy here. But it's eggy in a way that I think you're really going to enjoy.

These gals love to wear heels and keep the tab open. Sex and the City bees.

Sex and the City bees.

Maybe better. Maybe better than mine.

Mr. Beeg. Mr. Beeg.

Mr. Beeg.

Yes, it's Mr. Beeg.

These gals, the answer is Mr. Beeg.

You're so Bee-Randa.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Classic. Where do you open a tab?

A bar. B-R.

Barbies. Barbies. Barbies.

Barbies.

This group travels by van and loves snacks.

Margot Robbie.

Groupies. Ooh, that's good.

Mystery machinebies.

That is good. Focus on the snacks. It's a certain type of snack.

Oh, Scoobies.

Yeah, Scoobies. Scoobies. Oh, that's so smart.

Tagbies.

That's really good. These snobs love a valuable... Wait, what?

I want to see a scene real quick.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think so. Oh, totally fine.

You can call the shots.

Was no one option this whole time?

Let's keep going. Let's keep going.

No, no, no, no, no. Please. Please, Adal. I just wanted to test the parameters of my power. I see now I have no power. Go ahead.

Oh, you can behead us if you want. You got full bee head. Bee head! That's pretty whimsical for something really violent that's about to happen to one of us. It turns everything whimsical. It's a fun game.

I'm realizing bees are everywhere. I do want to see a scene, speaking of Scoobies, of course Scooby gang, Janet you're going to be Daphne, JPC you're going to be Scooby Doo, the titular Scooby Doo, and you two have sort of ran off into a room somehow by yourselves, and Scooby you are professing your love for Daphne.

Oh, my heart is really, really, really rashed.

Your what is really what?

Oh, fuck. I forgot only the stoner can understand me.

Your what? I'm sorry, Scoob. Would you like a Scooby snack?

No. Well, yes. I mean, if I can't get the other thing I was looking for, maybe a Scooby snack.

I'm going to assume that's a yes. Here you go.

Okay, well, it's pretty good, actually. Well, guess it's back to jerking off for old Scooby-Doo.

What? You want me to scratch behind your ears? Okay.

No, I really don't, actually. Here you go. Is it a truism on that show that only Shaggy can understand Scooby or can everyone understand Scooby?

It's like a Chewbacca Han Solo situation.

Really?

I just want to say, these fucking rule.

Yeah, these are great. Great. These snobs love a valuable antique.

Sotheby's.

Yeah, Sotheby's.

Oh, Sotheby's. Come to the Gazebo. I may only be a simple Southern bee lawyer. Mops brow with honey. Makes it worse. Gazebebo. Casey, put in something that works there.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Jerby.

Yes, yes. Okay, this is a double clue. Keep your eye out for this honor student.

Hey Riddle

Can I ask you something? What about that clue leads you to Beauty and the Bees?

I'm trying to think laterally here.

Belle just falls in love with a bunch of bees. They're something sweet and almost kind, but they are bees.

It would change the movie quite a bit if Beasts was just a gigantic bee.

I mean, we need to see a scene. Everything else is the same. I think we need to see a scene. Erin, obviously you're Bill. Paul, obviously you're the Bee. And then I guess JBC and Adal, you're like animated pots and pans and stuff. Whatever feels right for you.

You're not allowed to leave your castle anymore. Please, please. I feel like I'm just misunderstanding you. You seem gentle. There's something behind your eyes?

There are a lot of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, I won't cause any trouble.

No one's ever talked to me that way before. I'm feeling very vulnerable and I don't like it.

Ah, madam, perhaps I can illuminate the situation. I am a flashlight.

This fucking guy again.

Oh!

Oh no!

Uh, if he turns on, will you sort of fly towards him? Sorry, I don't know. Do I look like a moth?

Check out the stinger!

Oh, a moth flies to the light. I see.

I didn't think I was going to kidnap someone quite this dumb.

Excuse me?

And the orchestra swells to the song.

the show.

The idea of corkboard is just so blank.

I'm uninspired.

Let's go get sushi.

Keep your eye out for this on our students.

Is it possible that this is like, I don't know a way to say this without having to explain it, but like how like an AP class is an AB class? Is this going to be like AB English?

No, but you're right there. Keep your eyes open. Hey, everybody, be on the lookout.

Innocent B standard.

What kind of classes do you take if you're an honor student? JPC, you said it.

AB classes. AP. AP classes. Advanced B placement.

So it's AP.

APIO. APB. APO.

APB. APB.

That's where Bs live.

APB. APB.

It's APB. Okay, APB.

Keep it, be on the lookout.

Plus AP classes equals APB.

Ow, my brain, my brain, my brain! Erin, I'm so sorry. That one was very, okay, how about this easy one? They're too young to sit on the dock. They're too young to sit on the dock. Babies. That's correct. See, that was song-oriented, so Paul knew it right away. He's a musical genius. What were we gonna say, Adal?

Oh, I was gonna take us to break.

Oh.

No. No need. Yeah, no worries.

Let's keep going. Any other ideas?

And that's break!

Gather round, gather round. I call to order this Council of Small Business Owners.

Mermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermermer

Yes, the floor recognizes Adal Rifai of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Thank you. I've got a question. Why is there no banking or financial management tool designed for the likes of us? The big banks just kind of rip us off with hidden fees, and the apps endlessly sting us with subscriptions. Can't we get a streamlined, cost-effective solution designed for us? M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-

Oh wait, no, I know Found. Yeah, it's an all-in-one easy-to-use app that lets you manage your financial tasks effortlessly, manage your money, track your spending, invoice your clients, and even handle your taxes so you can focus on running your business. Found Banking, yeah.

Yeah, it's designed for small businesses and solo entrepreneurs. FOUND is, in my opinion, the only financial tool you need. Say goodbye to switching between multiple financial apps and tools, guys.

Goodbye. You said say goodbye, right? Yeah, goodbye. Goodbye. FOUND also offers simplified tax tools that estimate your tax bill for you in real time, auto-saving what you owe to make tax time seamless.

Plus, I heard you can instantly send professional invoices and pay your contractors for free, which applies to me. A wizard?

Yeah, I was gonna ask.

Yeah, we don't know.

Automatically set aside money for different business goals and control spending with multiple virtual cards. You can save time by automatically tracking and categorizing expenses to maximize tax write-offs, all without leaving the found app.

Wizard, what's your small business?

Um...

Anyway, you can check out some of Found's 30,000 positive customer reviews and see why over 500,000 small business owners like you choose Found. Get your business banking working for you.

Try Found for free at found.com slash riddle. Sign up for Found for free today at F-O-U-N-D dot com slash Riddle. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by Pyrmont Bank, member FDIC. Found's core features are free. They also offer an optional paid product, Found Plus.

Wizard, we're going to go grab a drink after this. Do you want to join us?

I actually have plans. Oh, like a date or?

Big dog by the wizard.

Oh boy.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, um, hey guys, thank you for showing up, uh, to the party, but, um, you two were the only people that showed up, so we have to- Oh. We have to cancel, yeah. Oh, um... Yeah, we can't do, like, a four-square party with three people, just... it doesn't work, and I don't have a ball, and I don't have any chalk.

Yeah. Well, we could sort of put out a signal, boost this, maybe make a website or something to see if there's anybody in the area who wants to play Foursquare. Have you heard of, speaking of Foursquare, have you heard of Squarespace? Squarespace?

Isn't that the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online? Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms?

You got it, buddy.

Yeah, you knew that surprisingly well.

Speaking of selling content, Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your websites like online courses, blogs, videos, and memberships. Earn reoccurring revenue by gating your content behind a paywall. Simply set the price and choose whether to charge a one-time fee or a subscription for access.

Okay, I'm making a website right now. It's called FoursquareRandoFinder.com. And basically, it just helps you find a fourth for Foursquare.

Yeah, I wouldn't do rando. Actually, with Squarespace, you can connect to your social and multimedia accounts so that it's maybe people you know at least somewhat, if not close friends. Connect major social and multimedia accounts to your website in a few clicks as icons, direct links, or embedded feeds. Build visitor trust while updating content only where you need it, extending your brand's footprint.

Okay, I just set up a new, uh, spage, uh- Spage?

Oh, of a square- of a square page.

Okay, I just set up a news page, a Square page, on JPC… hold on, I called it foursquarerandofinder.com and it's for donations. You can raise funds for the cause you love with a website that makes accepting donations and managing donors easy. Set up giving pages easily and start accepting donations online right away. Access donor contact information and donation history in a central dashboard and then send fundraising emails directly through Squarespace. Right now we're raising money for people who don't have any chalk and who don't have any balls.

Amazing.

Yeah, it's really meaningful. Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, Squarespace.com slash Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

And we're back. Does APB make sense to you guys now that I've explained it thoroughly over the course of the entire break?

Yeah, we took an hour. We all cried. Just peeked behind the curtain. We all cried. We were confused.

We were scared. But we were holding hands in a circle, at least.

Yeah. I did not get it, Janet, until you said all points belittled, and then it really clicked for me.

Yeah.

I knew that was going to resonate for you. I didn't get it until it was essentially spelled out for me.

Literally, with three letters.

I got it. Erin at some point leaned over and said, be out the poison. That's when I think I got it.

Okay, this is the last one of those, and then we'll move into this delightful riddle book.

Ten more.

Ten more. Well, I'm afraid there are many more, but we're going to save them for another time. But I will say, okay, we'll do two more. Yay! Because this may already have been answered, so I'm going to supply the clue that will allow you to answer it again. These performers help make a crowd in an Australian cartoon.

Cirque du Soleil B. Blue B. Blue B. These performers help make a crowd.

Someone will know this. Extra bees! Also because, again, you did already say the answer earlier.

Um, uh, kanga-bees. Walla-bees! Walla-bees! Walla-bees!

Yeah, because, you know, walla is the sound of, like, general mumbling in cartoons, so then I put the Australian thing on it. That is a super inside reference.

Some of us aren't voice actors.

It is very inside. And finally, this guy is Green Clay. Gumpy! That's right!

Gumpy!

Hulk B! Hulk B! Great job, guys. Great job with the Bs. Really, really good work. Thanks a lot. What grade would you give us? I'd give you a solid... B... Minus.

Okay.

Unfortunately, we are going to have to move on to some riddles.

Unfortunate B. Unfortunate B.

Unfortunately, my favorite James Bond actor is George Lazenby. A warning about the content of this book. What you can expect of these riddles, I think, is clear in the first kind of like page that's, I think, trying to just sort of get you acclimated. And that riddle is, again, it's like an intro that's also a riddle.

It's going to be super racist, right? Yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure.

Without a doubt.

If there's any slurs that you need us to beep out, Janet, just let me know. I've got my beep ready.

You got your beep. Oh, God.

Taco BL.

It's Brandon. We have a Brandon Beep on the show, so I think I can do about it.

That's cool placement. That's cool placement. I wouldn't have even noticed if you hadn't said it. Okay. On land and sea and in the air, riddles, riddles everywhere. Right here in this book you'll find a few. For example, what's little and likes a clue? Yeah, that's right. I transformed into a witch as I read. You didn't say that it was all going to be read by a witch. It started to feel like a horrible spell that someone was casting on you.

It does definitely add some stakes.

What's little and likes a clue? Is this like a child who wants to play the board game Clue?

Unfortunately, that's too sophisticated an answer. The answer is a riddle and you. What? I love it. I love it. What? This is what you're going to be tasked with. What is Casey supposed to bleep in there?

I mean, all of it? Do you just bleep all of it? Hey Janet, can you come over here for a second? Hey, what's going on, Paul? Is there any way at this point that I can get out of this thing?

I think there have been a couple of guests, like I know Paul Rudd did it once and they had to go back and erase him out of the entire episode.

You don't think Paul's trying to leave, right?

Like that bastard Paul Rudd who got all of our hopes up and then ditched on the episode?

But you're close to catching him, right? Or is that Mothman?

couple of decades No, we felt this with Paul Rudd as well. It's just that he gets really small because he's Ant-Man.

He's leaving.

But he's still participating. Yeah.

You guys, I'm sensing a pattern with our guests. Why does this always happen at the 40-minute mark?

Well, I plan for something like this. Takes off big tarp of the table. Tarp of the table to you. Tarp of the table to you.

Is that a tarpographical map?

Thank you so much, Janet. Outstanding. You're welcome. Hey guys, I'm back just to let you know it's a tarp-bee-graphical map.

Oh my god. Our brains are going to start melting out of our... He's left again. He left again! He left. He left. Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!

But in all seriousness, Paul, do we have the same chair? We can talk about it offline. We can talk about it offline.

Okay. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready.

I tremble and shake at the least breath of breeze, yet I can take as much weight as you please.

Leaf. Scale. Take as much weight as you please. Doctor's office.

Oh, yeah. Doctor's office is great when they make you weight, don't they? The bastards.

I quake and I tremble at the slightest breeze.

I tremble and shake at the least breath of breeze, yet I can take as much weight as you please.

Gravity? Is it like a tree branch or a leaf or something?

I think leaning into the nature side of things makes sense. But it's not a leaf, it's not gravity.

Is this like an ant? Is this like a little insect that can hold a bunch of weight?

It's not a cute little insect, not a bee or an ant.

Is it an ugly large insect that's really strong?

Yes, it's Jeff Goldblum as he starts to transform in The Fly.

Yes, yes, yes. Produced by Mel Brooks. Very prescient riddle book you've got.

Okay, so outside. We're close with outside or we're on the right track with outside?

Yeah, but this thing can be outside or inside.

Fuck.

Yeah, sorry about that.

So, cricks and trembles, but it also holds a lot of weight.

Is it like the Earth plane?

No.

The planet?

No, that's going very big and I appreciate the scope, but that's going too big. But not that much too big.

The ocean.

Yeah.

Water.

That's correct. You got it. It's water.

Wow. That actually is a good riddle, I think.

It works. It works. That's amazing. Now this one is not so much that I think it's a challenge, but I just, you'll understand why I felt important for me to include this one. Got it. Bim bam blamity blee. Children make something that no one can see.

Hey, you two.

What's all this racket?

Uh, I don't know that we're making a racket, sir. We're just playing, um, we're playing Pokemon. We're playing Pokemon Pretend.

Pokemon? Hey, kids shouldn't be gambling. What do we have here? What is this?

You want in on some of this action, sir?

What are we playing for?

Don't waste your time with him, Chester. He looks like a real pussy. He's probably not going to bet big.

He probably can't even handle the game we're playing.

Yeah.

Pussy? You think I'm a pussy? I'll have you know, I served many military soldiers at a diner I used to work at. I served them breakfast, lunch, dinner.

Oh, so you had a job?

Maybe you do have some money? Yes, I have a pension.

Okay, we can work with that, yeah, okay.

Work on a budget, we can do that. Okay, alright.

How do we... Well, first of all, you give us $5,000.

$5,000, okay, let me... Of course, I keep my money in a duffel bag under my bed.

Let me just, okay... Alright, that's good to know for later, okay.

$5,000, here you go, here you go.

Okay, now the trick here is you gotta close your eyes for about 17 or 26 minutes.

Oh, you've never seen someone close their eyes so well. Here we go. One. Two. You gotta keep them closed.

Three. We cut to 17 minutes later. Holy shit, Chester, he did it. We've never had someone win the game before. Sir, sir, wake up. Yeah, you won. You found the Snorlax.

You bet 5,000?

Hey, who are you? You bet $5,000, right?

Yeah, yes, yes. Oh man, that's like our entire nest egg. Okay, well here's your $10,000. Shit.

Should we double or nothing? I don't know, he's really good at the game. He can't do it twice. There's no way his luck holds out. You kept his eyes closed for 17 minutes. Nobody goes $18,000 though.

Sir, do you think you could go $18,000? Do you want to go double or nothing?

Let's do 19.

Holy shit. Okay, this could work for us. Okay, close them and keep them tight.

Oh, and I should tell you my name.

Rip Van Winkle.

Yeah, we're kids. That means nothing to us. Oh.

Is that like a TikToker?

We were born in 2007, so who is that?

Do you know Rip Torn? Do kids know Rip Torn? Do kids know Rip Torn? Where are you going? Come back here. Hey, come back here. Do kids know Rip Torn? Hey, do kids know Rip Torn? Do kids know about Rip Torn? Hey Ripley, do kids know about Rip Torn?

Damn it. As if he's, what, like a cousin of Rip Van Winkle? I was like, let's start here, then we'll work backwards to Washington Irving. Rodney Allen of Rip B. Rodney Allen of Rip B. Is that one?

Yeah, it was. That was answer number 39. It was answer number 39.

Put it in the bank for later. I just want to point out and congratulate and give flowers. Ever since Paul left twice, he's gotten every single riddle right.

Thanks for watching.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Before we get into this, I'm just going to bring this up one more time. Should we all be kissing?

I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know everyone always says at the beginning of meetings, I'm pervert Paul, or you're pervert Paul, you shouldn't be the one kicking off these meetings. Yeah, I'm pervert, and I know I'm pervert Paul, but I'm just saying, I just want to bring it up, and I'll sit down, and I'll sit down, and you guys know where to find me.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Perfect Paul. Thank you for sitting down. Thank you.

I'd be up for maybe like, yeah, I'd be up for some kissing at some point. I do want to get through this meeting first and just like, sort of like plow through the agenda. Of course, I'm Surf Paul. We all know Surf Paul. Hell yeah, we do. Yeah. Why don't we go around, let's have the rest of the Pauls just kind of announce ourselves.

You know what, actually, I have something to say. Serf Paul, if you're gonna host these meetings, can you at least let me do coffee? Because it sucks that I'm Coffee Paul, and I don't get to bring the coffee, and then you serve this coffee, which is, I gotta say, burnt. And, I don't know, you said this was dark roast, this is obviously a light roast, I don't think that you know the difference. Why is Coffee Paul just not in charge of... I mean, it's like if we were having a sex party and we didn't put Pervert Paul in charge, that would be insane. And no, Pervert Paul, I see you jumping up, we're not turning this into a sex party.

Hey, single harmony Paul here. I gotta respectfully agree. Agree. Agree. Agree.

By far the most impressive of all the Pauls.

Yeah, Paul. I love single harmony Paul. I would die for him.

I got a question for the Pauls. Do you think we were all crafted for too specific a purpose?

And the lights go down, the curtain closes, screen opens, there's a graphic that says, Paul's That, sort of like the Nickelodeon All That, but it's Paul's That. And the credits roll, it says, Paul Sabourin. Surf Paul was played by Paul Sabourin. Wood Harmony Paul was played by Paul Sabourin. And then we hear one clapping in the theater, and the camera turns, and it's Paul Sabourin. Orson Welles style, there we go.

Yay, scene.

And scene.

Rose Paul. Rose Paul.

Rose Paul. If Miss Isipi, known as Skippy, gave Miss Uri, full of fury, her new jersey to wear at the fair, what, oh what, would Della wear?

A mini soda. A mini.

I love it, and must tell you it's incorrect.

A Rhode Island. I think I know. Is it Idaho? No. Idaho? Don't know. Alaska?

I object. Adal's brain is uniquely broken in a way that my brain cannot break. This is unfair. I mean, I agree with everything you're saying. It doesn't change the fact that he has done something very special here today.

I know, and he looks so cool in front of our guests, and I look like... I know.

Like a tech's ass.

I need to see a scene each of you are representing the state you were from in the character that you feel that that state would present as like at a little cocktail party for all the states.

All right, everyone.

Let's make some Ellen noise. This is a fun party, everyone. Yeah, let's just all just kind of clinkies. Make some more noise, of course, some Ellen noise.

I'm sorry I'm wicked late. I had to pick up some beer. What's going on? You guys think you're better than me? What are you talking about? How's everyone looking at me?

No, you were- You wanna fight?

No. All right, hang on. You guys are going too fast. Let me jot this down. Okay. Do you want to fight? No. Okay, keep going.

Who's this nerd?

I'm sorry, I made a mistake. I gotta erase this now. Okay. Who's this nerd? Okay, go.

Nerd, I'm talking to you. Where are you? Who are you?

I'm Pennsylvania.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Is that G-A-W-D? Yeah.

You guys, what I miss, I Arizona'd out for a second.

I gotta put so many of these in quotes because they're puns. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Dude. How are we doing on time? How many more riddles would you like to jam in? Two! Seventeen. Seventeen. I heard seventeen. Number whatever this is. Walk on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk on the dead, they grumble and grumble.

Leaves.

That's correct. Why is it so macabre?

But also bees.

When crossing a desert, why is it that, though you don't get hungry, you might get fat?

Janet, I'm in heaven. Your Old Man Puzzles from now on. I'm so sorry. We're trapped here. GPC, get the net. Get the net you're using to catch Mothman. We're catching Janet's steak forever.

I need this. Is it because it's a dessert? So you're getting fat because you're crossing the desert, but you don't get hungry? Is this like a sand dune blowing across the desert and it's like becoming a bigger dune?

You're onto something, young man.

Is this like you get fat but it's like P-H-A-T, like pretty hot and thirsty? Like the pharaoh? Oh, wait.

The pharaoh? Is this the pharaoh bees? No, but you both very fly. Young man, you were right there, and you don't even know.

Could you read the riddle again, but make it way more witchy? I don't think I understood the riddle. Is this like a sandwich?

Could you read it again, but witchier? That's correct!

Because of the sand, which is there.

Dead stop. Dead stop.

You see, you asked for something that wasn't about a witch, but I had to page turn to something that was.

So I had to do it. Dead stop. Janet, so sorry to give you a dead stop. So sorry. Is the witch's sort of celebratory noise, nee-nee? Was that what you did? Just real quick, I just want to call attention. Casey, can we clip that and then play it a hundred times in a row right here? What was it, Janet? Was it nee-nee?

God, it sucks. Yeah, Janet, was it nee-nee? Yeah.

Okay, that's the greatest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life, and my ringtone is now NeNe, and we will have, folks, look in tpublic.com, we will have NeNe merch by this point, I have to assume.

Oh yeah, it will be like a bewitched, kind of like 1960s witch Janet on a broom, and it will say NeNe on it, and she'll be zooming up into the sky.

People do say I look like Elizabeth Montgomery, for better or for worse.

Okay!

People add that last part, that last part really sucks for someone to add. You look like Elizabeth Montgomery, for better or for worse.

But also, give us some plugs. Janet Varney, Queen Nini herself. Janini Varney. Janini Varney. Janini Varney. Janini Varney. Janini Varney. What do you have that you would like to plug?

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Oh my. Well, you can check out the, depending on whether this airs, fairly new podcast that I do with John Hodgman called E Pluribus Motto, in which we explore the various mottos and state symbols of many of these United States. That's available anywhere you get podcasts, courtesy of the Maximum Fun Network.

Outstanding. Thank you also so much for being our old witch puzzles today. That was a tremendous job. We will have you back and we expect much more bee pun riddles. Great. Yeah.

On it. We're going to do about 30 more of the bee things and then we might get to two riddles.

Cancels everything. Cancels Netflix, I think is what you said.

I said cancels sketch fest, but yeah. Just let me have this. Adal, let me have this. Let me live in the dream if there's no sketch fest to work on for the next couple of months.

Can you also share your Sketchfest password with me? I just want to watch them. Paul Sabourin, thank you so much for being our guest today. What do you have to plug or promote?

Well, I'm part of music comedy duo Paul and Storm. You can find our music, The Places You Usually Find Music, which is on the winds.

Hard to access.

Wafting across the moor.

I very rarely find music there. It's mostly just like voices telling me to kill and I'm not going to kill. They keep trying.

But they're like kind of sing song instruments. Yeah, of course.

No, that's their The Shining parody song. You should listen to it.

It's really good. And as has been mentioned, I help run JoCo Cruise, which again, everybody here is going to be on this year. It sales in March of 2025. It's basically this for a whole week.

Thank you for listening!

You were the talk of the town, see?

I am!

But you can go to jococruise.com to find out more information and see the entire lineup. And, you know, then book it if you wanna.

Hell yeah. I would like to plug or promote, with Janet's permission, Janet, everyone who comes on JoCo in 2025, when we're all on it, is it okay if they, if they alone, have permission to call you Jannini Varnini?

Absolutely, and they can also call me that at any number of shows at Sketchfest, including both of yours. Hell yeah. Says two people she's staring at on a computer right now.

Erin Keif, what do you have to plug or promote?

Just, if you have the means to go on the JoCo Cruise, I cannot recommend it enough. I think it will become a fixture of your life if you go. It certainly is one of mine. Adal, anything to plug?

I would like to plug or promote, with Janet's permission, that anyone who buys a ticket to Joe Crow is able to call her Janini Varney. Okay, I'm breaking down because I said this already.

That's just Joe Crow, which is different than Joe Crow. The Joe Crow Cruise.

I will be hosting another year of the Joe Crow Cruise. Bad news this year, we didn't get a cruise ship. We did get a crow, so we will have the crow.

A crow's ship, which is as the- We got a crow's nest.

Just a floating, single floating crow's nest that everyone has to squeeze into.

Actually, Joe Crow Cruise is just a tiny little thing that happens only in the crow's nest on the broader Joe Co. Cruise.

Oh, it's a cruise within a cruise!

Three people get the special experience, except they also are stuck up there for a week.

I dress up like Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean, and I stand on it, and then I sail it into a dock. Haven't hit the dock yet. I feel like my crow's nest guy's kind of fucking me on this, because I keep getting probably 150 yards from the dock, and I'm swimming the rest of the way. Johnny Depp never had to swim, huh? I wonder what the difference is. Anyway, I'm getting pissed off. Let's end the episode.

JPC anything to plug or promote?

Hey there Kissings and Clones, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We bring you to the front lines of the JPC wars. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.