Which Riddle Riddle?

#323: Sexy Reading w/ Ryan Rosenberg

00:00:01

Ryan

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

???

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00:01:32

???

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Adal

Okay, now when we ring the doorbell, we'll just ask Ryan if he wants to come on the show. He's been on before, right? He's one of our favorites. He's been on the main feed, he's been on Patreon. This should be so smooth.

JPC

Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah, I just, I feel like we should talk about this before we get here because I shit in a bag and it's already kind of like halfway on fire. So are we not doing that at all? What?

Erin

We just we said let's get on our bikes. We'll meet over at Ryan's house. We'll knock on the door and ask him if he can come out and play.

JPC

And then I stopped listening because what else would we be doing? Ding dong ditch?

Erin

Yeah, I assume. To our friend Ryan? No, of course not. We're gonna ask his mom if he can come out to play.

JPC

Uh, okay.

Erin

Maybe play Flashlight Tag?

JPC

I guess I'll eat what's in the bag.

Erin

No, no, no, no.

JPC

Everybody wants me to eat what's in the bag. Why do you have a fork and knife? It's a Snickers.

Erin

Oh, it was a Snickers.

00:02:33

JPC

It's not a Snickers.

Erin

I don't like this at all. I don't like this. Let's get him out here. Come on. Now I feel nervous.

Adal

I don't see a doorbell. Okay, no doorbell.

Erin

Okay.

Adal

It feels rude to knock, right?

Erin

What if they're eating dinner?

Adal

Let me look in the window.

JPC

Okay, please.

Ryan

Mom, this dinner's great. This is delicious. Thank you, Mom. I see him. His chair's facing someone else. I can't see Mom. Yeah.

Adal

Uh-oh.

Ryan

Wait. My real mother, you have prepared another brilliant meal.

JPC

You are real and you love me. I see in the corner what appears to be the stick that should be connected to a mop, but I don't see the mop head.

Erin

Yeah, I don't see the mop head either.

Ryan

And it is almost Halloween and there's no pumpkin out front. A kiss on the cheek? Well, sure. Why not? I'll take one. You'll take one? From the pumpkin?

Adal

Okay, I do see a pumpkin with mop hair. Seems to be perched on top of smaller pumpkins. And it's moving over to him to give him a kiss. I'm gonna knock.

00:03:33

Ryan

I don't want to watch anymore.

Adal

On the lips.

Ryan

Hello?

Erin

Hi, Mrs. Pumpkin. I mean, mop. I mean, Rosenberg. Can Ryan come out to play? Can Ryan come out and kiss? Play? I mean, pumpkin?

Ryan

I'm real. I'm real. Yes, he can. Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Pumpkins. Hey, what's up guys?

Adal

Oh, Mrs. Pumpkins turned around and it's Ryan. Oh, uh, she's real. She's real.

Ryan

She's real and she loves me.

JPC

Yeah, of course. And that was a real Snickers I ate. We're all... It's all real.

Ryan

You got shit all over your face.

Adal

What's the movie where they put like a baby Ruth in the pool and everybody screams and runs out? Is that like a... What's the golf movie?

JPC

Caddyshack. Is that Caddyshack? It's Caddyshack.

Adal

Is it Caddyshack?

JPC

Yeah.

Adal

Something like that.

JPC

And he takes a bite of it, which you wouldn't do because even if it was a baby Ruth, it's been in a pool with chlorine and like... Piss and poo. Yeah, piss and poo.

Erin

Okay. Anyways, Ryan. It's so nice to have you. I don't think you've been on the main feed of our show since maybe 2021.

00:04:35

Ryan

Yeah, it's been a minute. Yeah.

Erin

But you are famous for coming on to our Patreon episodes and making us laugh so hard that we cry.

Ryan

Oh, it's a pleasure to be here. And it's a pleasure to make you sob.

JPC

And I guess we should go ahead and get the elephant in the room out of the way. We've all turned on Dan. We've soured on him. Too tall. What happened?

Ryan

Too tall. Did he come on? Did he ruin an episode? He did. It's hard to believe. It's really hard to believe. He's a consummate professional. But I get it, I get it. He is tall. It's intimidating.

JPC

Yeah, he is tall. And that's one of the bigger problems.

Erin

You guys are in two of our most famous scenes that people love the most. The Lobster Bisque one from the Valentine's Day episode, a classic. And then the Haunted House one where we go down our YouTube rabbit hole in the middle of a haunted house. Two absolute classics.

Ryan

Man, I love both those things. I could eat Lobster Bisque every day for like two weeks maybe. But for those two weeks, I'd love it.

Erin

Yeah, that's the question we ask all of our guests is how many days do you think you could have lobster bisque in a row?

00:05:35

JPC

Consecutive days, could you eat lobster bisque? Okay, it's 30.

Erin

What about clam chowder?

Ryan

Maybe one. I'm not a big clam chowder guy. I like the chowder. I don't love the clam. But then you're eating just what? Flour and water? What is just the chowder? Like a roux? Yeah, a roux, butter.

JPC

You can get me going on that.

Adal

I don't mind eating just gravy. Yeah, that's true. Where do you stand on a bread bowl? I love them. I do feel I'm so thrilled when I meet a bread bowl in the wild because it's I feel like outside Panera you don't see a lot but every once in a while there'll be a mom-and-pop with like a chili or whatever in a bread bowl and it's heaven. Divine.

Erin

Like in the fall, a bread bowl in the fall.

Ryan

And I feel like you usually get them in like a locale that is enjoyable. You're like, Oh, I'm in near the beach in New England.

JPC

Yes. Yeah.

Ryan

Bread bowl.

JPC

Got it. You said locale and I heard locale and I'm like, I don't know where to get a fucking locale bread bowl in my band, but they're lying to you.

Ryan

You need something light. What about 8,000 calories of cream and bread?

00:06:37

JPC

No, you'd never eat a loaf of bread just on its own, but if you pour a bunch of stew in there, now it's time.

Ryan

That is true. Every time you eat a whole bread bowl, you eat a loaf of bread.

Adal

Yeah.

Ryan

You don't eat another meal that day.

Adal

I do like a low-cal bread bowl.

Ryan

It's like a bread bowl, but with a clear broth where it's like... Just flushes out the bottom completely. Fuck the integrity of this bread bowl.

JPC

A low-cal bread bowl is like a taco salad. This isn't really bread, but it's got the appearance of bread.

Ryan

Miso soup in a bread bowl. A low-cal bread bowl is just a bowl of soup. You just don't eat the bread.

JPC

It's also, a bread bowl's better for the environment, right? Because you're not washing a bowl. No, I wash my bread bowls.

Erin

I use them two, three times a day. Put them on the drying rack.

JPC

Wow, you're so resourceful. I do a plastic liner in my bread bowl so that I can use the bread bowl over everything.

Erin

That makes me feel sick. It's like eating cereal.

Ryan

You have to season the plastic.

Erin

Why did you go to these lengths? Who cares about this?

00:07:37

JPC

That would be a great visual gag for like a loser older brother

Ryan

I'm always fascinated by regional foods.

Adal

You're from Southern California? Southern, Northern, a little bit of both. Like clam fritters or I don't know.

Ryan

I mean, I guess in Northern California, it's almost like the Midwest because I was from like Sacramento area. So it's just sort of like country-ish but like suburbs. So there was just a lot of like casseroles and barbecue. I think California specific sort of is tri-tip. Do you guys have tri-tip?

Adal

We don't, but I've seen it on diners, drive-ins, and dines, and it looks incredible.

Ryan

Tri-Tip is a fantastic cut of beef that for some reason they only do on the West Coast, but it's famous in the Santa Maria region, which is just north of Los Angeles. But up north, Tri-Tip is the only thing that all my friends grill, because it's just one huge steak that then you cut up and share with everybody. So it's like a roast, but you grill it. Man, it's delicious. Why don't we do that? Everybody's got their little recipe, you know.

00:09:00

Adal

Is it similar to burnt ends?

Ryan

No, you kind of just like... It's just like grilling a big roast and then you cut slices. So it's like eating a steak all together or something like that. It's just the cut is a... Yeah, the cut is some... I think in other parts of the country, they just cut things differently so they don't end up with this one triangular piece of meat. And that's why it's called tri-tip because it's got three tips.

JPC

It's so weird how like some things are regional foods that make sense you're like oh yeah I guess it's like it's grown in this region but we were talking about this earlier it's like every time I come to LA I get breakfast tacos for every like what once a day for sure I get breakfast tacos. We're obsessed with breakfast tacos.

Adal

Breakfast tacos. Breakfast tacos. They're nowhere in the world I feel like except for Austin and California. They don't fucking exist in Chicago.

JPC

Yeah they're just out here and it's like why it's it's shit that we have like so it's not impossible.

Ryan

It makes so much sense.

Adal

Yes. And you find breakfast burritos, they're ubiquitous, but I feel like burrito you can't get even sauce across the board, you can't get everything in one bite.

00:10:01

Ryan

That is so weird when someone has knowledge of almost everything and then one thing they're like, I couldn't even fathom it. When my town was a very small little suburb that was growing a lot as I grew up, so we got our first Taco Bell, and it was like a big deal, there was like a long line around the thing and everything, but they didn't know what a quesadilla was. and Just fucking make the quesadilla.

Adal

They need it. It's like a deli being like, we have sandwiches. We don't have open-faced sandwiches. It's like, take the top piece.

Erin

It's just a chef in the back just staring wide-eyed.

Ryan

Are you pranking my mom? What is this? Even me as a kid knows this is stupid.

JPC

It's also funny for Taco Bell because it's like, we've invented a bunch of shit that doesn't exist, but we can't do a quesadilla. That's insane.

00:11:04

Adal

So silly.

JPC

Don't you want an Enchirito?

Adal

Could we pinpoint the year the Taco Bell dog went the way of the dodo? Was extinct? Yeah.

JPC

You think the Taco Bell dog went extinct?

Ryan

I haven't actually seen any chihuahuas lately.

JPC

It's the only way you get tri-tips. They're all gone now.

Erin

You can go to the National History Museum and see a chihuahua skeleton, right? What a

JPC

We were when we were kids, we were a huge on fast food. Fast food was our favorite fucking thing in the world. But also, we were huge on the novelty stuff that you got. And I remember several times in my life, like Pokemon was at McDonald's thing at one point, or maybe it's Burger King, but we would like be at the drive thru line being like, Hey, I know you can't request toys, but if you have like the Voltorb, like that's the one that we don't have. Is that a real Pokemon? Voltorb? Yeah. But I don't know if that was one of the real toys that existed, but we would like plead with people to like give us the toy that we didn't already have.

00:12:21

Ryan

I was pretty addicted to the McDonald's Monopoly for a while. Oh yeah. My mom and I both, we would like, even when we, when I moved away and like lived separately, when it would come back, we'd be like, hey, it's Monopoly time. And it's like, I'm connecting with my mom long distance over fast food.

Erin

Very American.

Ryan

Very American. Very Trumpy.

Adal

I feel like that probably jumpstarted a lot of gambling issues for people because I feel like I, Welcome back.

JPC

And that's why we have FanDuel now.

Erin

Yeah. Yeah.

JPC

And it's better. And it's just better for people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And let's say when I advertise and then I guess I bet you a million dollars I'm going to get boardwalk.

Ryan

You're betting on the chance of a lottery or something.

Erin

Ryan, we've probably asked you this several times before, but what is your relationship with puzzles, riddles, daily games?

00:13:28

Ryan

I like them. I think I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and puzzle, I like figuring things out. I like knowing how things work. And so a riddle is like a perfect, you know there's an answer, you know it's figureoutable. So I love to sort of, I used to do those brain teasers in the newspaper. Oh, right. Is that what they're called? Brain teasers? No, I don't know.

???

The word search? You did a square.

Ryan

Yeah, it's usually like a square and then it's like a thing that's hard to decipher. It's not a riddle, but it's like a... You know, it'll have like a line and then a over and then you have bits.

Adal

Oh, the rebus? Is that what they're called? What's it called? No, that was the guy who ran the RNC for a while. I think rebus are like, where it's like, the words, there'll be giant letters that spell out middle, and then the word stuck will be super tiny.

JPC

Stuck in the middle. And it will be stuck in the middle. Yeah, that's a rebus. Okay. But is that what you're describing?

Erin

How do you spell rebus?

Adal

R-E-E-B-U-S or maybe R... I think the other... I think with an H is the monkey. R-E-B-A apostrophe S. It's gibus with an R instead of a J. Yes.

00:14:31

Erin

A rebus puzzle is a picture representation of a name, work, or phrase. It portrays a common word or phrase.

???

Interesting.

Erin

Head over heels.

???

Yeah.

Erin

Yes. Okay, Adal. Okay.

Adal

We're learning a word. All right.

Ryan

Okay, Adal. This really is a Riddle Podcast. All right. Leave it.

Adal

Take away a point because I said Rebus monkey, and it's that's not a thing You should have an app that's Aaron Shazam, and it just you can only use it if someone doesn't know the lyrics.

Ryan

It's still Shaquille O'Neal.

JPC

Yeah

Erin

That's really funny. So Ryan, you are our third episode of the day and in the two previous episodes we played Connections and then we played, what was it called? Spottle. Would you like to play one of those daily games with us? Sure.

Ryan

Yes, I love Connections, but I really like it and it really frustrates me. Some days I'm like, this is the best game, it's kind of easy and it's fun, and then sometimes I want to break my phone in half and throw it across the room.

00:15:40

Adal

Yeah, there's times where it's like, these are all gases that were discovered in 1600s, and it's like, nobody knows this. What are we doing?

Erin

I have two suggestions for games we could play. We could do my favorite, which is When Taken. Have you guys played When Taken yet? I don't really miss it. Yes.

JPC

You have to figure out when your daughter went missing.

Erin

No, they give you five photos taken different places and in different times in history, and you can earn up to 100 points for the place and the time.

JPC

If they're photos, they can't be that many different places and times in history.

Erin

Exactly, but like it's still kind of hard. So you'd be like, oh, I bet this is New York in 1920 and you get to zoom in on a map and then the closest you get to the year. So we could do that. Or we could do like movie wordle, where they give you like a screenshot from a movie. Screenshots from movies and you have to guess what movie.

JPC

If we do movie wordle, will it be easier for all of us to play at the same time?

Erin

I think they'll both be equally as easy to play. I'll let Ryan pick because you're our guest.

Ryan

They both sound great. I like the first one.

Erin

Great. Let's do When Taken.

JPC

So what's the web address for When Taken?

00:16:43

Erin

Just type in When Taken into Google and it should be the first... No, it's actually not the first thing to come up.

Adal

Holy shit. We had a chance to do Today's Connections and blow Ryan's mind.

Erin

That would have been so funny. We do Connections three times a month.

Ryan

Just cheating.

JPC

What is it called again?

Erin

When Taken.

JPC

I'm going to do Win Taken Game and see if that gets me anywhere. I think maybe since the trailer was out.

Erin

Daily game.

JPC

So I see zero out of a thousand at the top. I see a picture of a person rowing a boat with some houses in the background and some water.

Erin

Yes.

JPC

Is this the right? Yeah. Yes.

Erin

Go to the right and go daily game. Okay. Yeah. Perfect. The most I've ever gotten on this game is 934.

00:17:48

JPC

Okay, good to know. So it says explore the image and try to guess when and where it was taken, then navigate to the map and use your slider to place your guesses. Okay. I see. So Erin, what else do you see in this photo?

Erin

It looks to me like Southeast Asia.

Adal

I would say 100% either Thailand or Cambodia, possibly Vietnam, but the ornamental awnings look more Cambodian or Thai.

Ryan

Okay. Yeah, I was going to say Thailand.

Erin

Okay, great. So we're thinking Thailand. What year do we think?

JPC

I was actually thinking Arby's, but Thailand works for me.

Erin

There's a bunch of, what are those called, satellites on top of some of these buildings.

JPC

Yeah, like DirecTV satellite dishes.

Erin

I'm thinking like 2009. Oh, and in the top right corner, is that like a skyscraper?

Ryan

Yeah, it looks modern. So I would say, yeah, in the 2000s.

???

2014.

Erin

Interesting. So I'm going to guess Thailand.

JPC

I'm going Bangkok, 1971.

Erin

No, I'm going Bangkok and I'm going 20... I went Bangkok and I went 2007.

00:18:49

???

2007?

Erin

I went 2007. 2019. Everyone hit there. Um, yes, it was oh my gosh. I was 250 215 kilometers away in two years off. So it was 2017. It's 2017 in Thailand. Wow. It's 2017 in Thailand. Yeah battle. Oh

JPC

I was 208 kilometers away.

Erin

Oh my God.

???

209.

JPC

So close. Wow. I shouldn't have gone right in Bangkok. It's obviously not Bangkok.

Erin

Next round.

Adal

I mean, this doesn't look anything like fucking Bangkok. Okay. I was three years off and 206 kilometers away. Oh my God.

Erin

All right. Adal, you got Thailand, so I feel like that's a point to you. Next photo. Hmm. This looks like some sort of festival where there's children. Pass. Pass. Okay. Is this a church?

JPC

Okay, and this next photo is pass. And this next photo is pass.

Ryan

There's a church with a painting of a cow somewhere. Oh, yeah. That's interesting. It's got a little, almost like a farmer's market vibe.

00:19:50

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

This feels like a Latvian festival or something.

Erin

Like Eastern European?

JPC

Yeah.

Erin

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JPC

Okay, I've definitely seen, I'm witnessing a murder in mine. Uh-oh. There's a person with a Jamiroquai hat walking backwards down a wall.

Adal

This is a Jamiroquai concert in Latvia.

JPC

Yeah, okay, so this is a Latvian Jamiroquai concert.

Erin

I'm going to do Latvia.

Ryan

Yeah, if you zoom in on one of the posters, there's a word that I definitely don't recognize.

Erin

Oh, okay.

Adal

If you're doing Latvia, I'm going to do Poland, just to mix it up. I'm going to do right outside Warsaw, in Sedils, which I've never heard of this town. And I'm going to do- I'm going to do 2006.

JPC

It looks like I'm going to do Kansas, Lithuania. And this looks like it is going to be from 99, baby.

Adal

I am 16 years off and 355 kilometers away. Don't tell me where.

Erin

Wait, don't. Oh, I'm sorry. Ryan hasn't guessed yet. Ryan hasn't guessed yet. It's okay.

Adal

Sorry, sorry. That's okay.

Erin

Wow, I was- But Adal, you, so far, I feel like immediately have had a great gut for both photos. I feel like this game's about to be your game.

00:20:54

JPC

I was way off. I was fucking way off. 24 years off, 692 kilometers.

Erin

Slovakia in 2022. All right.

Adal

It's the European Folk Craft Festival at the Castle of Kismara.

Erin

Next round. How is anyone supposed to know that?

JPC

How is anyone supposed to know that? Now this one I know. We know this.

Ryan

Taco Bell. We know this one.

JPC

This one is a temple in Taco Bell, Mexico.

Erin

Where in Mexico is this?

Ryan

It's a shame that I know it and then go, hmm. How do I get it though?

Erin

And it looks kind of like the 90s to me. This looks like a... This looks like the 90s?

JPC

Is there anything in here, Erin, that says that screams 90s to you?

Erin

It's the photo quality. It looks like it was done on like a Kodak, like the CVS ones.

JPC

Yeah, that could be right. This was developed for sure.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

This area doesn't look very developed to me. It looks like there's kind of just like an old triangular building there. It doesn't look developed at all. Oh, there's an oldies across the street. All right, I'm gonna lock in my guess here. Ooh, boy. Seven years off, 725 kilometers.

00:22:03

Erin

I was seven years off as well.

JPC

Yeah. Okay, this makes sense.

Erin

Did you guys guess?

Adal

I was five years off, and I was 1,300 kilometers away.

JPC

But I guessed Mexico, but it's small.

Ryan

You guessed Mexico, but you didn't know the name of the country, which is... I was 30 years off and 812 kilometers away. 30 years?

Erin

What did you guess?

JPC

1973. Ryan does 2036.

Ryan

I kind of stopped paying attention in the middle of doing it, I think.

Erin

Next one.

Ryan

This is easy peasy.

JPC

Oh yeah. Central Park, baby.

Ryan

This is Alaska. Aren't we so funny with our little jokes?

Erin

Yeah, I think we're pretty funny. Funny little jokes. This looks old.

Ryan

Because it's not those places.

Adal

Yeah.

Erin

It looks like New Orleans.

JPC

That's the French Quarter, to be sure.

Erin

And it looks like 80s, maybe?

JPC

I'm looking at the cut of the jeans that people are wearing, and I gotta say, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing here. I can't play this game at all.

00:23:04

Adal

I think this is like one street off Jackson Square.

JPC

Is New Orleans in Europe, or still they've moved it?

Erin

They moved it.

JPC

Piece by piece. Wow, you can get pretty granular with where you drop your pens.

Erin

That's pretty cool. It's the best feeling when you get the exact spot. That's happened to me, actually, in a place in New Orleans.

Ryan

You know, I think all these pictures are surprisingly modern. I thought they'd be older. Like, it says 1860 as the end. I haven't seen a single one in the... before the 2000s even.

JPC

I was spot on with the location only one kilometer away. But I was 12 years off with my guess on the year.

Erin

I was 874 meters away and I was 26 years off. Whoa. Yeah, it was the 70s. I knew it was the 70s.

Ryan

I was 25 years off. What a loser.

Erin

Damn. Adal, how close did you get?

JPC

Did you say 2000 or did you say 1950?

???

1950.

Adal

No, yeah, I said 2000. I'm still zooming into New Orleans. Is there a way to just type in like a location or you have to zoom? You gotta zoom. You gotta zoom. Sucks.

00:24:06

JPC

It's like the pandemic again. Baby, you gotta zoom.

Ryan

How many meters away were you?

Erin

Um, 874. I was 325 meters.

Ryan

Ooh la la, that's crazy.

Erin

Three football fields, pretty good.

JPC

Or one swimming pool. Did I grow up wealthy?

Erin

Alright, this is our last- Oh, Adal still has to guess.

JPC

No, he's obsessing over the fact that he's, um... Oh, interesting, okay.

Ryan

On this one I got location, 100 out of 100. Year, 35 out of 100. Whoa. That's a big biff.

Erin

I don't know what this next photo looks like some sort of church.

JPC

It looks like either a church or like some sort of government building.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

Okay, Sam is trying to get direction somewhere.

Erin

To get out of here. I'm feeling maybe London?

Ryan

Well, and it's got some signs in the background that are more modern. Yeah, Philips TV.

Adal

Oh, Prince Philips. This is London. I would guess, yeah, England or Philadelphia. Maybe like Quebec City or Montreal.

00:25:14

JPC

This is either England, definitely England or Philadelphia is what I would guess. This looks like Birmingham.

Erin

What year?

Ryan

70... Yeah, the photo has some nice grainy quality.

Erin

I'm gonna do 78.

JPC

Oh my god, I was 1,000... I was 1,314 kilometers off. Yeah, me too.

???

Ooh, I could not have guessed that. 14 years.

JPC

I couldn't guess that. I was only 8 years off. Okay, I'm gonna view my total results. My total results were 796. Erin, that game is pretty fucking hard.

Erin

Yeah.

JPC

This is very hard. Yeah.

Erin

My total results were 787.

JPC

It's 787? Okay, well, I beat you, so I guess the game isn't that hard.

Ryan

When you guys said you were far off, I tried to make a guess on that, but I guessed in the wrong direction. So I'm 3,000 kilometers away, but I'm only three years off. Oh, wow. Okay, there you go.

Erin

Adal, what was your final score?

JPC

I don't want to talk about it. You want something from Taco Bell? Well, they don't have fucking quesadillas, so I guess get in line, buddy. They don't have Choco Tacos anymore? Erin, do you think that you have a particular, like, do you think that game works well to your skill set? Do you think that that's the kind of, like, deductive mind that you have?

00:26:28

Erin

No, honestly, when I first started it... Sorry, I thought I was teeing you up for something. No, no, no, but I do think, and this is funny because it's not like I'm getting any more information about the world, but I've gotten so much better. I've been playing it for maybe four months.

Ryan

Okay.

Erin

And I would say that I've made an incredible improvement. The way that you, yeah, you just get better at guessing.

Ryan

Have you guys seen that guy that guesses the location in the world? I'm obsessed.

Adal

It's remarkable.

Ryan

I guess if you just play that a bunch, you just recognize the patterns or something.

Adal

Yeah, that's fair.

Erin

He just knows like types of grass.

Adal

It'll be like a country road and be like, that's a perennial. This only grows in the southern hemisphere. Oh, that's Russian dirt. I've heard him say that's Russian dirt.

Ryan

What's that mean?

JPC

And there's no way that guy's cheating. I'm Yeah, I don't know. It's one of those skills that I'm like, oh, very cool. Like that's a great skill to have. But then I'm like, but is it?

00:27:42

Ryan

Is that like a game you can win money?

JPC

It feels like one of those skills that actually is kind of a curse, because it's like, It doesn't really translate to anything except that.

Adal

Today we're

Ryan

This is clearly Norwegian wind. You see the flag moving there? That's an east to west pattern. That's probably Norwegian wind. So he's probably somewhere far north.

JPC

It looks like maybe that's a painting of a flag. Sorry about that. Yeah, no, no worries. Yeah, but no, but that's, but wow, that's so impressive.

00:28:49

Adal

He's painting Norwegian wind, sorry. And in the background we hear, I once had a girl.

Erin

What should I say? Sorry, I'm just a little on edge, obviously, like my kid is gone. Our kid. Don't.

Ryan

Oh, you're from Philadelphia. I can see that in you.

Erin

I'm from Canada.

JPC

I'm from Philadelphia. And I'm not a stepdad. Alberta. That's her name. But we did say that a little before. I'm not a stepdad. I'm the dad who stepped up.

Erin

You're technically a stepdad.

JPC

Well, I wouldn't have bought the t-shirt if I wasn't also the dad that stepped up. And I'm just as invested in finding our child.

Erin

So forget, I apologize, but what is your background? Why, they say you're the best, but like, why are we coming to you? Why are we coming to him?

Ryan

Because I'm the Google locator. I can Google anything and locate it with my mind.

00:29:50

Erin

Yeah, it says that on your door and on the sheet of paper and it's written in crayon.

JPC

He's the Google locator. He can Google anything and locate it with his mind. I'm like a human Google. He's the human Google. With images. With images. He's the human Google images.

Ryan

Thank you so much for having my back. Obviously, you've read the website.

JPC

Well, I actually, you know, game recognized game. I can tell you're a stepdad. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Everyone's deep. Everyone's deep.

Ryan

I mean, technically I'm not a stepdad, I'm the dad who stepped up, but I hear what you're saying.

Erin

I can see it on your t-shirt.

Ryan

Thank you so much. This is actually, I didn't mean to wear this shirt today. I meant to wear a blazer. Apologize.

Erin

Well I don't know it just this whole thing seems a little bit like your website actually looked like it was shut down. It looked like you couldn't quite afford it anymore when we tried to look at it.

Ryan

You couldn't quite afford it. Well I had to post that I had to post that I can't afford to run the website and it will be taken down. Yeah. When the month is up. When the month is up. But I'm hoping that this gig pays well and we might be able to fix that. So you guys have tried everything? Everything. You've tried everything and now you're back here to the Google locator.

JPC

We tried the police. We went to the Mounties. Never. Yeah, those are the two countries that were... Canada. So you're talking about Canada and America. Exactly.

00:30:58

Erin

Both governments.

JPC

Neither government could help.

Erin

So here we are in your stepkids treehouse at the end of our rope begging for help.

JPC

Well, can I see a picture? Can I see another? Yeah, I'm sorry. So this is the picture. It's cute. It's really cute.

Ryan

It's a cute photo.

JPC

Thank you. Thanks, yeah. Yeah, this is the kidnapper sent us this photo. Of my kid.

Ryan

Of our kid. Sorry, the kid is... I can tell the kid is cute, but the photo's not cute. Thank you for saying that.

JPC

Sorry.

Ryan

Yeah, because it's a kidnapping photo. But adorable child in a horrible situation.

JPC

Yeah, and they're frightened, obviously, because it's a kidnapping situation.

Erin

She looks a lot like her dad, her bio dad. So that's why she doesn't look that much like me.

JPC

And that's why she looks like nothing like me. I fully get it. You understand the struggle.

Ryan

Now listen, I know this is an interior picture, but I do see a little light coming in from the west.

JPC

I didn't notice that. Alberta, did you clock that?

Erin

This picture of her in the canoe is an indoor picture, and there's a light coming in from the west.

00:31:59

JPC

From the west, though, because that's not something that I have seen.

Ryan

Okay, so it is outdoor, you're right, that's a good observation, but the light is coming in from the west, which I can tell. I'm still thinking, well, no, Norwegian was from the old thing. I'm thinking American South. How long has this been? How far do you think they've been able to go? This photo was taken yesterday. Wow. Yeah. And when did they go missing? Oof.

Erin

Three days ago?

JPC

Three days ago, yeah. It could have been two. It could have been four. Between two and four days ago.

Erin

It was three.

Ryan

I'm thinking American South. I'm thinking Florida Panhandle or Louisiana Toe.

Erin

Did he put you up to this? Because he's been wanting to do a road trip there.

JPC

No, I haven't. To the Redneck Riviera? The Redneck Riviera. I want to go to Destin, Florida. And that's not really Panhandle. It's Panhandle adjacent.

Ryan

I went to Destin when I was in 8th grade and it scared the shit out of me. I was from Southern California, so it was the first time I'd ever seen the rebel flag flown everywhere. And I was like, Dad, these people are just being racist. What are we doing? And he's like, yeah, I guess welcome to the rest of the country. And it was truly scary. I didn't know it existed.

00:33:07

JPC

I went to Destin, Florida when I was I think I was 14 or 15. And it was in high school. I was I was a vegetarian. I was like rail thin. I had like, some blood issues were with nutrients. And I wasn't doing well. And I went to Destin, Florida and my friend with my friend's family and that someone took a picture of us as the dad or something took a picture of us on the beach. And later we had that picture, and one of our other friends said that I looked like I had escaped from a refugee camp. And I said, oh yeah. That's one of those burns that has stuck with me for the rest of my life.

Erin

Well, this has never happened before, but we're going to go on to a quick break without having done a single riddle.

JPC

Well, no, we did five riddles, but it was just like a game that we played on our phones. Yeah, that's so true.

Erin

Okay, see you after the break.

JPC

Forgive us.

Erin

We'll see you after the break. We'll apologize then. Sorry.

Ryan

Let's screenshot them or something.

JPC

Screenshot them or something. Who gives a shit?

???

1, 2, 3, 4. Hey Riddle Riddle.

00:34:16

JPC

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Adal

Hi, Erin, GPC. I would like to formally invite the two of you to be my dates for the local square dance. Oh, wow. You printed up an invitation and everything. This looks very professional, Adal. And I'm wearing a little cowboy outfit. We like that.

Erin

Oh, and I see that you made a website using Squarespace. AdalRifaiSquaredancingPartyVeryReal.com.

Adal

Tried to keep it succinct.

JPC

Wow, so you used Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand. Squarespace, they make it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms. That's what you did for your website? Adal Rifai, Square Dan, Erin, Harold, help me out at any time with this?

Erin

Adal Rifai, Square Dan, VeryRealSquareDanParty.com. Yes.

Adal

And with Squarespace, I can also sell content. I can sell exclusive content on my site by adding a paywall to sell memberships, of course, or sell files to customers that they can download, or PDFs, music, e-books. On this site, I have little cowboy hats that say Cowaddle.

00:35:34

Erin

Uh-huh. And it also looks like you can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful video pages. You can even sell access to your video library by adding a paywall to your content. Look, I'm going to play this video. Oh, it's you teaching us how to square dance. All right, everyone.

Adal

Addle up and ride. You're crying pretty hard.

JPC

Also, it looks like you can make checkout kind of seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools. You can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in eligible countries offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and ClearPay.

Adal

Hmm. It looks like I'm crying in the video because not enough people know about Squarespace.

???

Hmm.

JPC

Yeah. It actually kind of looks like you got square dance in your eye. That's why you're crying. I don't know how you get square dance in your eye.

Adal

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, it looks like that's what it was.

JPC

Well, here's what I'll say. If you get squared ends in your eye, head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

00:36:38

Adal

Erin, do-si-do.

Erin

Okay, I will be there, Adal. I will be your date. GPC, you coming?

JPC

No.

Erin

Great.

???

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JPC

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00:38:04

Erin

Back from the break. What? Back from the break. Why? I'm drinking. All right. Sorry. I've spooked everyone by coming back to the break. You went back from the break so fast you didn't even ask me my feelings.

Adal

Erin, do you mind coming back by yourself for a minute?

Erin

Yeah. Okay. Back from the break. No one's making eye contact with me. They're still checked out mentally. I'm ready. Oh, Ryan. That's so nice.

JPC

Yeah. It's hard to put my cut down when I can't see my coaster.

Erin

And Adal, you?

Adal

I'm dead inside.

Erin

Yeah, got it.

Ryan

I'll always undercut two of my friends to be nice to someone. That's so lovely. You know what I mean? I think that is an issue that I have. I think I would be nice to my friend's siblings instead of hanging out with my friend. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they're like, why are you being nice to him? I'm your friend. It's like, yeah, but your little brother's cool.

JPC

Yeah, I'm trying to fuck your brother, man. Yeah, dude. What can I say?

Ryan

I flirt with everybody. What's up with your mom over there? I made these for my D&D group. I am hoping they are baby level riddles.

Erin

My friends got them pretty quickly but don't worry I won't time you guys. I hope 2038 is treating you well. A little commentary on how long it takes for us to read these riddles. Love the podcast and can't wait for the 20 year anniversary concert.

00:39:30

JPC

Wow.

Erin

Answers are all one word.

JPC

I hope I'm dead. What does that give me? 14 more years?

Erin

Inside and out.

JPC

My child will be 14, that's cool.

Erin

To see me out of place is dreadsome. Hurt me, not by a shout, but sticks and stones I stay far from.

JPC

Erin, you are not going to believe this.

Erin

You weren't listening.

JPC

I was talking, in fact, and it's really hard to listen to me talking. I found in my life.

Erin

Inside and out. To see me out of place is dreadsome. Hurt me, not by a shout, but sticks and stones I stay far from.

JPC

This is cool too, but again, I was listening this time, but I was listening a little too well, because I heard a word that I hadn't heard in a long time and I really liked. What? Dreadsome. Dreadsome is an excellent word. Does it mean like dreadful?

Ryan

Yeah.

JPC

Like feared?

Ryan

Yeah. This one is not only a riddle, but just maybe hard to understand the words. It's just written in a very musical or magical way.

00:40:35

Erin

Well, they say that these are like Dungeons and Dragons riddles, right? Yeah. Yeah. You would want to stay away from sticks and stones if you were this.

Adal

The wording feels like gaseous where you can't grasp it, where it feels like it's just the phrasing of it is just out of reach of comprehension because they're not using like solid verbs.

Erin

That is true. And also, I'm terrible at reading. Inside and out, to see me out of place is dreadsome. Hurt me, not by a shout, but sticks and stones I stay far from.

JPC

I gotta give a compliment to my friend.

???

That is the weirdest word to pick.

Adal

Erin, a man gave you a compliment.

Erin

Oh, I love it. Sexy is the weirdest. I just know from the deep parts of my soul how unsexy that was.

JPC

Oh God, okay. But you don't get to pick what other people find sexy.

00:41:37

Adal

Mrs. Keif, I just want to say this riddle is delicious.

???

I'd like to see a scene.

Adal

You guys are like three preteens in the woods and you're stumbling across some bones.

Ryan

Dude, what are we even out here for? This is so stupid. Let's just go back to the diner. Hold on. When we get there, you guys will see what I'm talking about.

Adal

It's gonna be worth it, okay? Is it a stash of magazines? No, man. It's not.

Ryan

Why did we order, though, before we left?

JPC

Like, let's go either... It's only gonna take 10 minutes, and then the food's gonna be hot when we get back.

Adal

Justin, your Frisco melt will be eaten, okay? It better be by me. By you, Justin. By you. Justin, by you.

Ryan

And it better taste like San Francisco, too. I'm fucking serious. What is this?

00:42:49

JPC

Okay, you guys are not gonna believe this. What the fuck? What the heck? Okay, that's what I'm saying. I think we're gonna be famous, okay? Because I feel like I've discovered like a fucking new species or like a really old species.

Adal

Yes, say it. It's a d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-

JPC

me and my cousin came out here yesterday and we promised not to tell anyone and my cousin like he's trustworthy okay he played it so cool at the diner dude you know you are an awesome actor you if you get famous it'll work no no i fucked up my order I fucked up my order. I'm sure you guys thought, because I ordered a dead body. And the guy said, what? Oh, I thought that was like, I thought that was hilarious. Like a slice of pie and coke or something. Yeah. Yeah, no, I said dead body. And he said, what? And I said, big gravy. And he said, what? And then I said, I want some big gravy.

00:44:00

Ryan

Dude, I just thought you were being hilarious. I didn't know you were having a meltdown. You're so fucking funny. You're hilarious. What are you boys doing? An old lady!

JPC

No, it's my cousin. This is Gloria.

Ryan

Oh God, Gloria, you look like an old lady. She is. Lantern when it's still light out. Yes! I can barely see.

JPC

Gloria, these are my friends. This is what I was telling you about. They can help with the body. Yeah, right.

Ryan

Do you know this guy? This guy? That's my cousin. No, the body. That guy? No.

Adal

Cousin in like a, this is, you know, like your dad's friend. No. You guys are family? Like related family?

JPC

Yeah, my dad is her uncle.

Erin

Yeah, my mom's older brother is his dad.

JPC

Cousins can have big age gaps. That's yeah, that's how cousins work.

Adal

I guess scars don't run the family, but you're covered in them.

00:45:01

Ryan

You can see those because of the lantern?

Adal

They're visible.

Ryan

So who do you think killed this body? This is freaking me out. I was never here. Do not tell anybody that I saw the body. I don't want to be involved.

Erin

Don't go back to the diner. Solve the mystery. Have the summer of your lives.

Ryan

I was about to. I was gonna kick it off with a Frisco melt. This is even better than a Frisco melt.

JPC

This is a mystery, okay? Forget it, boys.

Adal

This is sandwich summer. What?

JPC

I had my cool cousin Gloria set this whole thing up. This is just two dogs. Two dead dogs? No! Go boys, go! Whoa! We were going to have an awesome summer trying to figure out the mystery.

Erin

So you didn't need a real dead body?

JPC

No.

Ryan

If my burger is cold, dude, I should have a dog.

???

So you do admit it's a burger!

Erin

Old is a scene and new is a horror. What? A screw, a slice, also a slice of pie and a coke being called a dead body at a diner is so good. I'll take a dead body. Old is a scene and new is a horror. A screw, a slice, a stab to uncork. Thicker than water is the juice of long pork. Pretty sexy, right? Long pork is human.

00:46:19

Adal

We know that.

Erin

Pretty sexy.

Adal

So the juice of long pork.

JPC

I'm not good at these. Juice of long pork. Let's talk about what juices come out of humans. Blood. Blood. You got it, Ryan. It's blood. Thicker than water?

Ryan

These are easier than I think. I just got the first dumb word that hits my head, I guess.

JPC

These are easy as a dead body, which is pie.

Erin

A stab to uncork, I think, is pretty fun.

JPC

A stab to uncork. Oh.

Ryan

Ooh. What? I think I need to see these written down or something. I'm almost getting none of this.

JPC

I just don't love the idea of being uncorked. Like me a man, me a person. Like someone stabbing me to uncork me. To celebrate? Are they paying the uncorking fee?

Adal

Yeah, they're gonna take a little taster. Let it decant. I've never in my life had... Never been stabbed? No, I've been stabbed. We'll have to get you stabbed. I do not have the palate for wine, but anytime friends order wine or there's wine at the table, whenever they pour a little sniff of it and then hand it to me, I'm always like, oh. Like, I don't know what to do, and I panic, and I'm always like, very good. And they'll stand there for a minute, and I'm like, do I say something else? Do I? It's so stressful.

00:47:29

Erin

The etiquette is you throw it over your shoulder to keep witches away.

JPC

Okay, Adal, if you had to, And I know you have no idea what you're doing, you don't have the palette for it. Do you think, if you were in a group of strangers who didn't know this about you, do you think that you could fake that you know something about how to, like, test wine?

Adal

No.

JPC

I wanna see a scene. Ryan, you own a wine bar. Adal, you're getting into wine, but you're too embarrassed to say that you don't know anything about it. So you're pouring wine and you're trying to do all the fancy things that you think is appropriate with wine. Sorry, he's pouring me wine? He's pouring you the wine, yeah.

Ryan

Well, welcome in. I'm excited to give you this experience.

Adal

Thank you so much. Yeah, it was a gift, so maybe not my field of expertise, but I'm excited to learn.

Ryan

Well, this one is a nice sweet wine. It's a Chateauneuf-du-Pape. It'll have a floral all the way from the bottom straight to the top. It's not meant to rhyme. That was an accident.

00:48:29

Adal

And sorry, Siri, can you search this? Can you say that name again?

Ryan

Chateauneuf-du-Pape. It's floral all the way from the bottom to the top.

JPC

Search the word Timothee Chalamet.

Ryan

I don't care. That's kind of rude. Your phone's not going to help you there, but I'm not going to stop. But yes, this is a good wine and I know all about it and I think you'll enjoy it as much as the last person did.

Adal

Good. And what notes will I be hitting with this?

Ryan

There'll be an A in there. There's a G. Because you know, everything is everything. You know, the certain vibrations of the chord of a note is the same as the vibration that goes through your body when something hits your tongue. All that from these two ounces. Absolutely. Oh, that is a bit of a heavy taster there. Sorry about that. Oh yeah. It's two shots of wine there. Want me to pour some back in the bottle?

Adal

No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

Ryan

Absolutely not. I know this much. That's not allowed. I know a lot actually. I'm not, I'm not thinking.

00:49:32

Adal

Okay. And so it's like, there's this, there's acidity. Good. And there are, it feels like, um, there's like a granular chocolate.

Ryan

And you said you didn't know about wine, this is perfect, a granular chocolate.

Adal

I'm lying, it tastes, it tastes, it tastes like booze.

Ryan

Well let's try another one. Okay, alright. Let's try another one. So the Chateauneuf, sounds like you liked it. Did you say Timothy Chalamet? Um, I don't care about that. I don't, I'm not, I'm just gonna ignore that, it pisses me off, but I'm gonna ignore it.

Adal

Maybe something more exotic or do you have like natural wines I've heard? I do, yeah. Action Bronson talk a lot about orange natural wines. Okay, I see exactly what type of... Fuck, that's delicious. You watch? I don't. So good. I specifically don't.

Ryan

I specifically choose not to. It is advertised to me often. But yes, here we have one of our skin contact wines. This is an orange wine. It's not made of oranges, even though a lot of people think that. Because it's got the contact from the skin of the grape, it gives it a little bit of an orange hue. I, for one, think this one tastes like shit. What do you think?

00:50:35

Adal

Now I don't want to drink it. Well, that's what I would do. Because I feel like your opinion feels like you're going into a movie and somebody walking out is being like, this blows, like fucking waste of money.

Ryan

Well, you might like it.

Adal

It's got a bit of a funk.

Ryan

You know, our people, yeah, you may like it.

Adal

But for a Somali to be like, I think it's shit, you might like it. That feels loaded. Searching for Timothy Somali.

Erin

Hi, do you have a minute? You may recognize me. I'm Timothee Chalamet. I'm here to pick up a bottle of wine for my date.

Ryan

Oh, alright, wonderful. Uh, do we already, let's see, I'm not seeing any pre-orders here.

Erin

Let's see what a pro does.

Ryan

A rich pro. Oh, you don't have an order, you just announced.

Erin

Yeah, I just would like to pick up a bottle of wine. What, are you mad at me?

Ryan

No, just, if you don't have an order placed, you don't have to give me your name and the whole thing. You just say, hi, I'd like a bottle of wine.

Erin

I kinda wanted you to know this.

Ryan

I don't know.

Erin

From Willy Wonka, Timothee Chalamet. Do you know who this is? Gene Wilder?

Adal

Are you meaning to say Gene Wilder?

Erin

I'm Timothee Chalamet. I'm here. Noodle Noodle, the new Willy Wonka. Noodle Noodle. Noodle Noodle is not Willy Wonka. Dude.

00:51:40

Ryan

Lady, the pasta restaurant is down the street. And I was calling Timothy Lady, not you.

Adal

And what will the lady have?

Ryan

Noodle.

Erin

Did you guys see the new Wonka on an airplane?

Ryan

I watched a little piece of it. Is it good? Not only is it not good, it's just weird. It's like, why did they make this and who is supposed to like it? Because it's not really for kids.

Adal

I saw one of the funniest reviews, which was when the trailer first came out. I don't know if it was different from what was actually in the movie, but everyone was saying it was giving table read energy. Oh wow.

Erin

That's so funny and true.

Ryan

I thought that was perfect. It is so funny to me that Willy Wonka to me is one of the all-time crazy characters. Yeah. And he plays it so straight. Yeah. Just like very regular. He goes, hello, I'm Willy Wonka. Yeah.

JPC

The question of who is this made for is so funny because it's also like it's definitely not made for me nothing about it speaks to me and I the person that exists that it is made for is outside of my like personal area of knowledge so it's like who is this made for And I feel like sometimes the answer might just be no one. It just got made by committee. Makes $200 million. Yeah, for a person that doesn't exist for a foreign market.

00:52:59

Adal

Do they still do... Oh, please.

JPC

No, that's the end of that thought.

Adal

Do they still do... Ryan, you might best know this. Do they still do, like, MGM just bought Keegan-Michael Key for five movies? I know this, I know this. Do they still do that, where it's like, we don't know what we're going to put you in, but we're paying you for five... Yeah.

Erin

Humphrey Bogart for the big ship in the sea and then we got him to do a lady dances around and the bonus movie.

JPC

I feel like what's more common nowadays is like the Marvel thing like you'll be doing Captain America for 11 movies and six theme park openings so like they they pencil that in but that's a character that you're playing so

Ryan

I know a couple people that got it for a TV deal where it's like CBS paid them some sort of holding deal, like a talent holding deal, so that you're gonna be on CBS in some way, but then they usually just get paid to not work. They just didn't need you cast anywhere and you made $200,000 to not... I want that, but I guess you have to be anything first.

00:54:13

Erin

I know that Emily Blunt, when she was doing the press for Jungle Cruise, she was like, well, this is part of my Mary Poppins deal with Disney. Like, she just made it very clear that she would have never, like, agreed to do Jungle Cruise if it wasn't as part of this, like, package.

Adal

That's the thing, is it feels like we have Timothee Chalamet for five pictures, we already paid him, the contract is up in six months, and so they're like, quick, everyone, and someone's like, young Willy Wonka, and they're like, perfect.

Ryan

Noodle, noodle, yeah.

Adal

So it feels like a scramble.

Ryan

Stars floating around and then we have these movies floating around the only things left on the board are these so we either don't make this movie and all the rights go away or Being a Hollywood executive is just kind of like doing a word search and crayon every day.

Adal

We're like, I found Timothy Chalamet! And Raiden!

Ryan

We're doing young Raiden We're doing Mighty Mouse with the buffest guy on earth Shoot, we didn't organize this well

Erin

I play to a crowd, but only one holds my fate. I hope they laugh at my jokes or my head's on a plate.

00:55:26

JPC

It's on a plate? I hope they laugh at my joke or my head's on a plate. This one doesn't feel as complicated.

Erin

It's not like a metaphor. I play to a crowd but only one holds my fate. I hope they laugh at my joke. A jester?

Adal

A court jester? I almost said Fozzie Bear for some reason.

Erin

Yeah, he's a court jester. They took off his head.

Adal

You can't eat a bear.

Erin

Ryan, do you have a favorite Muppet?

Ryan

I'm not a big Muppet person. I mean, maybe Miss Piggy. She's funny. Great. Great answer.

JPC

I heard Ryan say, I'm not a big Muppet person, but in my head, he was like, I'm not a big Muppet person. I would love to hear it. Totally lying. He's like, I don't really like the Muppets.

Ryan

I know nothing about the Muppets.

Adal

I do want to see a scene. Perfect. Ryan, you signed a five-picture deal with whoever owns the fucking Muppets. Disney, I guess?

???

Disney!

Adal

Probably Disney. And you are placed in this movie with JPC and Erin and myself, and we are in the Muppet world, and you are trying to keep your head above water, not knowing much or caring much about the Muppet universe. He's not a Muppet, but we are Muppets? Yeah, it's like a Michael Caine... Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, Tim Curry. Um, Ryan, thanks so much for coming down here to Oklahoma City. We're so thrilled to have you. Thanks for having me in beautiful OKC, tall dog.

00:56:45

Ryan

Kermit. Oh, sorry, Kermit. Yeah, of course. Are you making fun of him? I feel like you're kind of talking in a condescending tone. No, I didn't mean anything by that. I know tall dog rhymes with short frog, and it was just a little joke. I was figuring I might rib the Sesame Street gang. Oh, well, I guess we're not really Sesame Street. Sesame Street are Muppets. Hey, Miss Piggy does it, right? Shut up. Does what? Makes fun of you and... Okay, my apologies. It's great to see you guys.

???

Well gang, we only have a couple more days before they demolish the community center.

Ryan

Oh no! Ryan, what should we do? Do we build another community center that's even bigger and even better? Talk to us like we're people, man. Oh, okay. Don't look down here.

Adal

Our mouths and eyes are up here. Right, right, right. And I don't mean that in like a sexual way. I mean like... Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Talk to the... The real guy.

00:57:45

???

But also how would we build a community center when we're so little and our hands can't hold tools? You're right, you're right. But also talk to us like we're real and we can do stuff.

Ryan

Maybe what we need to do is protest, we chain ourselves to the building, and then the bad guys can't knock it down. Oh, uh, we don't really get political. I also see you pulled out a gun. Can we... I guess I'm just sort of trying to match your energy. And if I'm being honest, I have no idea how.

Adal

Well, yeah, we do have a pretty soft energy.

Ryan

Well, gang, what do you think? Yeah, I'd like to try something new.

???

Yeah? Yeah! I mean, I could be convinced. Maybe if there's a song about it?

Ryan

Oh, Ryan, is there a song? Yoda! Yoda, when did you start speaking forward? I love it!

Adal

He's been taking classes. Aww! And we're all so proud of him. Yoda, do you want to sing your song to remember how to speak forward?

???

Oh, yeah! I'll sing my song to remember how to speak forward.

00:58:46

Adal

Okay.

JPC

I use the fours to force the words throat from my- Oh damn it!

???

Oh no, dude!

JPC

You got me in my fuckin' head!

Erin

He got in my fuckin' head. The end of infinity when eyes see themselves. The wings on a swine when an immortal rings death's bells.

Adal

Very quickly, I do want to say, if they took Jason Statham and put him with the Muppets, that feels like fun.

Erin

What's the plot of that then? What classic story are they retelling?

Adal

That is tough because Muppets don't really do action. They could. It has to be something serious because Jason Statham is going to kill someone or beat someone up. So that feels tough.

JPC

Does Dumbo beat somebody up?

Adal

We could do Dumbo.

Ryan

What if like, you know, someone captures Miss Piggy and Kermit wants to save her, but he gets hurt. And so Jason Statham has to do it the whole time with Kermit on his back, like a backpack.

00:59:49

Erin

Okay.

Adal

Like a Yoda back then. Like a John Wick but with Jason Statham holding Kermit.

Erin

Ryan, here's $80 million I want it on my desk by Monday morning.

Ryan

It sucks that that's actually amazing. I would write that in a weekend for sure. Yeah.

???

100%.

Ryan

Get a little high? A little.

JPC

Yeah, man. The end of infinity when eyes see themselves, the wings on a swine, when an immortal rings death's bells.

Adal

The end of infinity is the letter Y. It's not that.

Erin

Classically in a riddle, it would be something like that. This is sort of annoying.

JPC

When pigs fly, that's like a saying. This will never happen. Happen. Never.

01:00:52

Adal

If you are at work right now, and you're bored, make a poster for that. I do feel like there's a scene where Jason.

Ryan

I don't think so. What's his name?

Adal

Right? No. Wait. They did a Dirty Muppet cop movie.

Ryan

No they didn't.

Adal

Yeah they did. What? Yeah they did. It wasn't actually Muppets. Jason Segel did a Muppet movie.

JPC

But did he do the Dirty one? Because there was a Dirty Puppet movie, right?

Adal

But it wasn't Muppets though.

JPC

It wasn't Muppets.

Adal

But it was a parody. It was cops. You thinking of Crank Yankers?

01:01:55

JPC

Oh my god, I'm thinking of Crank Yankers. Once again, I do this once a week. I'm always thinking of goddamn cranky anchors! Oversold, under-delivered, cranky anchors. I remember the Dirty Puppet movie didn't go over well, I don't think, but I think an action puppet movie, even if it was, it doesn't have to be R-rated, you could do a PG-13.

Adal

The Happytime Murders is a 2018 adult puppet buddy comedy, black comedy film. It says buddy comedy, black comedy. Directed by Brian Henson, starring Melissa McCarthy.

Ryan

Yeah, I mean if you shoot this movie like a Jason Statham movie, but then every five minutes you remind them that it's Kermit, you're a genius.

Erin

Also to have just like a little too few of Muppets in the background and in the universe. Like you don't see a Muppet for a while and then there's a Muppet driving a bus.

Ryan

It's like not a Muppet movie, but it's just in the world where Muppets also exist. And then it's like, oh wait, it is totally a Muppet movie.

JPC

And I also think that to avoid the higher rating, you can do a bunch of violence to Muppets. It's like how you can shoot aliens in movies, but you can't shoot people.

01:02:59

Erin

I think they would rather you stab a person than a Muppet.

JPC

The ranking is like, actually, if you kill something that a child holds dear, that's worse than killing a pig. If you double tap pigs in space, there will be letters.

Ryan

Double tap. Do you think you could... Get like make a movie as graphic as John Wick but with Muppet like there's just blood flying everywhere and also like Kermit is spinning through in slow motion. Yeah. That's so funny.

JPC

Half real, half puppety. The blood has to be like right like blue or brown.

Ryan

And I think they could invent some really evil looking Muppets that are like oh these aren't really the Muppets we love.

Erin

Grab the Labyrinth Muppets from David Bowie.

Ryan

Hey guys, wait for me! Shut up.

Adal

And he's famously been asking you out, right?

Erin

Yeah, oh my god, he won't. Stop! Every dating I'm on, he's like, hey, wanna grab a drink?

JPC

How did Sweetums get on Raya? Because it's an invite-only thing. You don't think Sweetums is on Raya? Well, it's invite. I just want to know who invited them. He would be on Raya! Of course he's on Raya.

01:04:07

Erin

I'm just trying to be a down-to-earth girl.

JPC

Hey, I got an invite from The Noid. But I only date famous women. I only date famous women. Also, surprisingly, on JDate. I saw Sweetums out with Zendaya. Oh my god.

Erin

I would love to get a... I've been saying this. I would love to get a Raya invite. Maybe end up with a famous chef.

JPC

I'm telling you, Erin, if you do get a Raya invite, I do definitely want to see your phone so I can see who's on. I would love to see who's on.

Ryan

Are you on Raya? No.

Adal

Surely you know. You've seen a Raya account, I'm sure.

Ryan

I have no people who have been on it, but they will not show it to me. They're like, you're not licensed to look at this. You can get blacklisted, right?

Adal

If you screenshot or if you... I think if you share photos or if you screenshot, I think there's something in the app that notifies them if you screenshot or something.

JPC

Don't you just have to have like a million followers? Isn't it like a social media thing? Because they do like a little, you get like an invite, but... You have to be famous or hot. Yeah, but like how famous?

Erin

Really famous.

Ryan

I heard that the complaint in LA is from people who are actually famous are like, it's a bunch of fucking directors of photography now. It's a bunch of well-off grips. They're rich because they've been working for IOTSI for 40 years or something like that. Is this a fucking Best Boy on here? Jesus Christ.

01:05:25

JPC

When I search for DP on Riot, that's actually not what I'm looking for.

Ryan

I want Sweetums and the Muppet with the firecracker. Out of a room, the cuffs off the wrists untangle the rope, all familiar as the lead artist.

Adal

Out of a room, the cuffs off the wrists, untangle the rope, all familiar as the lead artist.

01:06:26

JPC

Well Ryan, it means a lot that you came on to our Riddle Podcast again.

Ryan

It means a lot that you had me here, and it doesn't mean anything that I didn't get any of the riddles.

Erin

Doesn't mean anything.

Ryan

It's fine. Doesn't matter to me at all.

Adal

You solved the greatest riddle of all, which is how do we shoehorn Jason Statham into the world?

Ryan

I can't believe it hasn't been done yet. It seems like the easiest thing in the world.

Adal

Even if it never gets made by Disney, it feels like you should write it just to do a table read, because it feels like the funniest fucking thing in the world.

JPC

I think the issue with Jason Statham is he's pretty discerning about what projects he selects, and he doesn't like just doing movies for money. You got to call it Crank 3.

Ryan

But then it's Muppets. Yeah.

JPC

Yeah, it's like Crank 3 working title project. Kermit has to inject himself with some sort of endorphin every 20 hours.

Ryan

He's got to put clamps on his nipples and then we're off to the races.

JPC

That's how they got what? That's how they got Bill Murray for Garfield, right? Yeah. It's because they said that it was being directed by Cole Coen. They called it Crank 3. Yeah. Even if it was Switch Coen. It's not that Coen.

Adal

Even if it was just pretty much John Wick where they killed Rolf or something, it's like... Not Rolf. is

01:07:54

Ryan

Rick and Ralph.

JPC

We can't kill Grimace because no one would care. And he can't be killed by conventional means.

Ryan

No weapons we have now or can think of can kill him. Did you guys see that meme about the Grimace Shake and everybody exploding? Great meme. Happened a while ago. The Grimace Shake was out. It was a purple milkshake. Disgusting. I think it was blueberry-ish. But people were doing TikToks and memes of being like, hey, about to try the Grimace Shake. They would take a sip of it and then it would just be them lying on the ground dead. Speaking of social media sometimes being great Ryan Recently, I don't know maybe the last six months or so.

Adal

You've had some of the funniest fucking videos. I've seen with your drone Thank you.

JPC

Where can people check this out?

01:09:01

Ryan

They can check those out on my Instagram, Chosenberg. That's where those live. And I guess YouTube, but not really. I don't really do that that much. Or you can check out my podcast on ManDogPod on Instagram and all that stuff. And I just started a new podcast called The Greatest Conversation Ever.

Erin

Amazing.

Ryan

It's just stupid conversations with friends.

Erin

It's

Ryan

Origin story with improv comedy and stuff kind of like if WTF was for improvisers instead of stand-ups. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, that's on everything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. None of it makes money yet.

Erin

So We've been a big fan of yours since 2018 it was an immediate connection as we all met it was so much fun. Thank you guys We're big teachers lounge people. So this was it's been a fun long journey to get to enjoy you. Oh

01:10:03

Ryan

You guys are the best. Thank you.

Erin

You can check out HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash live if you want to come see our East Coast tour coming up in a couple of weeks.

Adal

Translucent.

Ryan

Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Adal

There's this picture. There's a picture. It's fading away.

Ryan

Portugal, maybe.

???

1974.

Adal

It's definitely Portugal.

Ryan

Check that out. Adal, JP, is there anything to plug? I don't think so.

JPC

Is that Russian dirt?

Ryan

Well, then, Jupiter. Check out later. Bye, everybody.

JPC

Are there any parrots in the music? Hey there jerkies and boys, if you liked that you are going to love this week's Patreon. We improvised some scenes using some improv forms from our heyday as professional improvisers. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

01:11:31

Ryan

That was a hate gum podcast.