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Well, my two bakers, it seems that you're both very capable. Stop. Me in front. Me in front.
Stop. I want to be the one who... No, no, please.
Bakers-apprentices. Bakers-apprentices. You're both very capable bakers. In fact, you may bake better together than you do separately.
Yeah, right. Watch me roll this dough.
Stop beating in her way. Look. Look at what you've made. Look at the misshapen lump of dough that you made from fighting the two of you. Have I taught you nothing as the master baker?
Does anybody work here? Oh, customer, customer! Customer! You're not shopkeeper's apprentices, you're Baker's apprentices!
Hi! Welcome, sir, to 21 Baker Street. Yeah, hi, you guys have been huddled back there for, like, 15 minutes.
Uh, what have you today? What have I today? I'm here to pick up my wedding cake! I'm so- I fucked that up. Sarah, you try, Sarah, you try.
I'm fine. I am just here to pick up my wedding cake.
I think I heard lump of uncooked dough. We'll be right back with that, sir, for you. Quick, icing on the bread, icing on the bread. Bride and groom at the top. Can do it.
Work together. Little baby in the middle. Make it a king cake.
Okay, something blue. Something borrowed. Alright.
Knees on the cake for a little extra flavor. Someone will cut you out soon, baby. Trust. Believe. Sir, your cake?
Okay, this isn't exactly as I expected it to look. It looks to be a big loaf of bread with some arms and legs sticking out of it. Sir, if I may, just taste it.
Welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm Erin, that's Adal, that's JPC, and I'm looking around, I feel like we have way more people than usual in here. No. No? I think so.
We have our fourth host, Janet Varney. Yeah, Janet's here. Who's always here.
Whether she talks or not, she's always on every episode, obviously. Yeah.
Yeah. All right, hold on.
One, two, three, four. We're missing one. Who else is here?
Wait, who's playing the customer?
I have a famously dynamic voice.
No, that was our special guest for today's episode. Not that Janet's not special, but in this instance, yeah. Thanks. Oh boy. Okay. Anyone else want to try the introduction?
Adal? Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you. Thanks for having me, everybody. A very big deal. What a pleasure. For today and for today only, I apologize because you'll be known as Puzzles. Frankly, tedious. I accept. I'm surprised you landed that. The way that you said puzzle has made me very... That plane looked like it was about to land in the ocean on its side.
Well, nothing if the Sully Sullenberg of podcasting.
Yeah, we say that a lot because we're always hitting birds.
Janet, this was brought up when we were asking Paul to do the show, but Paul called you Little Janet Varney.
Which is something that I've heard before, but I don't think I've ever asked you about the nickname Little Janet Varney.
Well JBC, without turning to you to go off mic, since we're sitting side by side on a couch together, I can tell you that it has been many years now. I mean years. I wish I could remember. You know what, we should look back, because when it's the 10 year anniversary of Little Janet Varney. We don't think it's been the 10 year yet?
I don't know. It was certainly pre-pandemic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, we were in New York City.
It was the year we did Town Hall.
It absolutely was the year that we were in the middle of New York in a ballet studio. That's what I remember it being. So it was whatever year that was. A windowless space, yeah. I'll have to look that up. It was probably like 2017 or something. 2016 or 2017. But anyway, for some reason I did a dumb silent bit that caused Paul F to, as he often does, turn my garbage into gold. He identified me as little Janet Varney, as if I was a child star still hoping
To garner some... Not to rush them on you.
Okay, okay. How do you remember it?
From rubble still skin to rush them on.
The PFT story. That means rock, paper, scissors. Rock, paper, scissors.
I've never wished we had the Spontaneanation go backwards hard, but more than I do right now.
We were doing that improv show, Work Juice Improv, and I was tasked with hosting.
And I was introducing everybody. Yes. You were last. Yes. Alphabetical.
And for absolutely no reason I said little Janet Varney. Okay.
Then I responded to that by acting then like a child star. Yes.
I've always said you have a whatever happened to baby Jane vibe. I'm wearing overalls.
This is a bad time for me to try to argue with that.
Let's paint a picture. Three foot five, wearing a little sailor outfit with overalls, looking a giant lollipop.
Shirley Temple. What are you talking about guys? There she is.
Saluting Kennedy as he passes in the parade.
I don't need a mudda, I got show business. Guys, it's pretty haunting to see in person.
And you're known on Hey Riddle Riddle as Janet Morph. Yeah. And I do not remember the origins of that.
It was because it was one of those animal morphing books. Animorphs. Animorphs.
Oh, we don't correct Erin on this show.
How did we get there though? There was like a riddle about that in your first episode. At the Old Head Gum. At the Old Head Gum downtown.
The Old Haunted Head Gum.
You kids going to the Old Head Gum? I hear they make podcasts in an old shipping receiving lane.
I will say, if memory serves, it was like next door to a firing range. There was kombucha on tap, though.
There was kombucha on tap. Wasn't it in an old, like, shipping lane? Right? Yeah. Yeah, it was. I think it was, but I'm telling you it was also next to a firing range.
Like, cops were going in to practice.
You had to, like, climb up to get into that.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That's exactly right. Yeah.
Anytime I hear, if memory serves, I think of Olmec.
Because I think anytime you introduce some lore to the game, he'll be like, if memory serves. That's such a great thing to say because who's going to call you out?
And it's got a double meaning because a computer also has a memory.
What are you guys talking about? Legends of the Hidden Temple, a Nickelodeon game show. There's the Purple Monkeys. No, Silver Monkeys. Purple Paratus. Purple Barracudas. Blue Barracudas.
It sounded to me like it was a PC-only video game. That's what I thought it was.
That's why I said computers have a memory, guys. Now it makes sense.
I thought you were positing. I thought Olmec was a computer.
Let's instead move on and ask Paul
What is your relationship with riddles and puzzles and lateral thinking problems and the like?
I like that sort of thing. I don't think I am good at that sort of thing, but I really do enjoy it whenever there's a riddle that is presented and say like a traders episode or something like that. I do have fun trying to figure it out. um when i was a kid i was fascinated by uh probably from the hobbit from the riddle contest yes um famous egg riddle i think in the hobbit Yeah, eggs-es. That's right.
It's for second breakfasts. Yeah. Elevenses. Second breakfasts. Which is just a second helping. Or a hobbit is stupid.
Oh, but also those books of, you know, it's even in your intro, The Doctor Was a Woman and all that stuff, like where it would just be A fun activity book of, can you figure this out? Yeah, so I've always liked that stuff. I've never done an escape room. What?
I know, I feel like I've let you down. Yeah, that's a shock. But look, I'm human and I'm continuing to grow.
No, I just, I almost thought... You've never done it?
Yeah. Do you have any interest in doing one or are you just... I would do it.
I feel like in... Here's my issue is that I'm a bad student in that being observed learning something causes me to freeze up. And so in a group's... But you know what though? Hold on a second. I'm remembering something. It's like gorillas in the mist. I have memory like Olmec. I was going to say I don't think I'm good in a group situation like that because I would like... Anxiety would make me freeze up. We attended a murder mystery dinner theater with some friends and our table figured out, we solved the case, we didn't get credit for it. What? Why? Can they do that? There was some mushy thing that we absolutely got right, but our wording was not quite as perfect as somebody else's.
Technicalities. It was real technicalities. This is a human life we're talking about here. Exactly.
This was about justice, and we absolutely got it right. And it was a group effort, and I contributed just as much as everybody else did.
You're going to be fine in an escape room. I couldn't be less worried. I just think maybe I've created a false memory where I've gone to escape rooms with a pinch of this mutual friend and a pinch of that mutual friend, and somehow that turned into, like, you and I have done one.
I'm certain that you've invited me, but I haven't been able to do it. But I would do it.
You went with a hat and a mustache and some shoes. On separate occasions you're like, Paul was there, right?
That's how my memory works. I just put little pieces together.
The component pieces of a person that make their soul. That's really all that I am. It's like the game with the three panels, like head, body, legs, and you just... Exactly.
That's a challenge for you to think about yourself. Like, what are the three components that is you? Oh, that's true.
And someone else took mustache.
JPC, you're a backwards hat, a tank top, and a dead squirrel.
Or a dead raccoon smoking a cigarette.
Adal, you're a flannel shirt, a baseball cap, and a bunch of books you'll never read.
Erin, you're the embodiment of intelligence, beauty, and grace.
Okay, let us move on to doing some riddles. JBC knows I'm fragile right now. On any other week he would have absolutely destroyed me.
Eyes of an owl. Body of an owl. Crowns of an owl.
Sleep schedule of an owl.
Memory of Olmec. Neck of an owl. Memory of Olmec! If memory serves.
Well, I'm Old Man Puzzles today. An honor, really. And I'm going to read some listener-submitted riddles. These are from Daisy. Dear Hey Riddle Riddle, I love you so. Is he still in the Navy?
I think that's Davey. This is from Daisy. Oh, Daisy. Is she still in the Naisy? That didn't slow me down at all.
A perfect joke. That was elegant. Holy shit. Should we call it? Was that the episode? I had the same feeling in my body when Simone Biles went 12 feet recently. That is the exact same sensation. I was like, oh my god, he did it. He did it. He landed it.
Paul's mental floor routine is flawless.
There's literally adrenaline in my body now. That's crazy. You are my favorite podcast and I listen to you all the time. You truly bring me so much delight in my life. My name is Daisy. Feel free to use it on the show. Erin, you are a shining star. Thank you for everything you do. That's so weird. Wait, what a weird emote.
Is that in there? Grab that phone from her and check.
I noticed in your last episode you were guessing some compound words, so I whipped them up for compound words that no longer make sense in English. To be clear, I made fake definitions for compound words and you guessed the real word. This is going to make sense once I give you an example. Some are probably easy and some are probably really hard. And I put them in no particular order.
Compound words like Waco.
Um, okay. Example. What? What the fuck are you talking about?
He's begging someone to ask him what he means. I get it, I get it. Because of a compound. There's a compound. Because it's a compound there.
Was Waco David Koresh? Yeah. I get him confused with David Carradine. I know they're separate guys. Similar fates. Equally embarrassing. They both died in Thailand.
That's how they felt. The example is to be upright beneath something. So the compound word is a real word.
I was playing the wrong game and now I'm focused on playing the correct game.
Are you sure? You could still play the wrong game for some points.
If no one else is in that lane... Take the wrong one. Take the wrong one. This is Hey Riddle Riddle. You can literally be doing whatever you want. It's like Montessori school. Marijuana for or by someone with a very generic boy's name in the United States. Okay.
Marijuana for or by someone?
We'll see you next time. Marijuana for or by someone with a very generic boys name in the United States
But four by someone is still we still have not solved it.
I don't know why I would just focus on the marijuana part on the four by someone. So all you're just trying to yes, what?
It makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. I do want to see a scene.
In the United States? I'm so confused.
I want to see a scene. Janet and Erin, you are at a blackjack table. Paul, if you wouldn't mind playing the blackjack dealer. Sure. And the two of you have been gambling for so long that you're not sure what's going on. Okay.
Hey, I really appreciate you guys being so patient with me because I've never dealt blackjack before.
No, you're doing so good. We're so happy that you're here.
I'm glad you've been able to play for so long.
I'm I think I know what we've been here long enough.
I'll take a martini and some garlic fries. And then I want to put all of my money on the funniest is horse's name. Okay, what horse has the funniest name and he'll run the fastest.
Okay. So if we were to think in terms of like, if a horse had a card name, hit me. Okay. And 25.
I am single. I don't think of myself as a no at all, but I just... Hit on me.
Hit on me. Hit on me. How do you be subliminal?
And I do want to cut to the Elvis Chapel where JPC as Elvis is marrying these two.
Oh baby, this is a special day. Sorry, this is my first day being an Elvis. You're doing great. I was a Catholic priest for many years. I can't talk about why I'm not anymore.
This isn't really about you. This is about two people deeply in love. Two people deeply in love.
That's all you need to know.
And our names. You need to know our names.
Okay, and the names that you gave me.
And this is fun, because this is going to be a surprise for me. I know what my name is, but I don't know what my beloved's name is.
I never asked. That's a coincidence, because I also know what my name is, but I don't know what yours is.
Well, you both wrote down Croc. So, wait, what? Happens every day. Happens every day.
Did I hear you as Elvis go to hee hee?
When you're an impersonator, you're just an impersonator.
Next one, soap for a pig.
Adal's good at these. I need to warn you, very often times Adal's braid is the one that works more in a ridgular manner.
No, no, no, it's a compliment to you and JPC. I mean, wait, hold on, that came out wrong. In a what manner? Ridular. Ridular? Yeah.
Yeah, like Ruffles the potato chip. Rigid and circular combined? Yes. I get it. Nice.
Adal's the smartest. Adal's brain is good at puzzles and lateral thinking.
I think I'm going to outlast him though, because I know for a fact that Adal's working on two hours of sleep, or as I like to call it, an Adal amount of sleep. That's correct. I think by the end of this episode, it's going to turn around for old Gene.
In the last 36 hours, I have slept 1.5 hours. Because I had a 4 a.m. I had to be at the airport at 4 a.m. A ghost scared him. And the ghost scared me. On the plane? Yeah. A haunted plane is the worst.
You just gotta know where to go.
Not as fun as a haunted train.
I kept being like, finally, coffee. And then I'd just fall through my hands. Well, it was real. I'm just Butterfingers.
You should put your coffee in one of them. Oh, that was off. That was off mic. Never mind.
Off mic. That's gotta be one.
Oh, we'll see. Dinner or breakfast or lunch made of parts of a puzzle. What? Dinner or breakfast made of parts of a puzzle? Dinner or breakfast or lunch made of parts of a puzzle. Peacemeal. Peacemeal.
I mean, goddammit. I mean, great job Janet.
No, I will not fuck you in the goddammit, J. Peacemeal.
I will demand your respect. The light sleep- Peacemeal. Yes. Nailed it. How did he do that?
The light sleep of a male cow. Thanks for watching.
A fine brown liquor made from jumping short distances.
The brief sleep of a child.
Any brief sleep ones? I got it. Paul got kidnapped pretty fast.
Because I was kidnapped. You think I don't think about it every day? Oh no. I'm fine. I wish my parents would pay the ransom. Charles Lindbergh's baby?
That'd be amazing. In fact, I need to see a scene. Paul, you are a full grown man who was kidnapped, is now living his own life, like has moved through that. But it's true that the parents never paid the ransom. And Erin and Adal, you are the parents and you guys are, you know, you're finally speaking to them after quite some time.
Well, we were pleased to get your call.
How are you? How are you doing, Cham?
Uh, better now than I was 35 years ago. Yeah.
You look great. Thanks. So tall.
I ordered a bottle of wine for the table. I hope you like our outfit.
I'm old enough to drink. Yes.
How were your 80s and 90s and early 2000s? They were, um,
You know, challenging, especially the first 10 years there. Right, right. Good. And we got this, by the way, just to get to it. Oh, do you? Thanks. Thanks a lot. Well, then I'm definitely ordering dessert.
Hey Riddle Riddle And your brother and sister had like so many activities going on and we just were trying to stay focused.
Hey guys, sorry we're late. Success is a bee.
There she is, Secretary of State.
Hello, hello everyone. And our movie star, hi!
Where have you been? Are you back from the Naisy?
I'm not in the Naisy anymore. I've been released after Honorable.
God, you must have been in there for 35 years.
Well, some thought I probably would be for life. But Uh, no, I was finally released and, um, you know, living a life on my own. Sometimes, of course, yes, I miss that room. Tell us about the room. We read the memoir and we just want to, I mean. I mean, if you read the memoir, you pretty much got the room down. It was four walls, no windows, a mattress. OK.
You don't say ceiling at all. You skimmed my memoir? Yes, I mean. She was reading over my shoulder.
They optioned it and I read the screenplay and I didn't want to make this about me, but I am in contention. Oh my God. Yeah. So I'd actually love to pick your brain about the room. If you ever had a minute.
You're in contention to play me in the story of my life?
Oh, it's not... I'm glad that you brought that up because it's not the story of your life. The story actually has so many layers to it. I mean, it's mostly, honestly, about the parents' journey.
Honey, we would love to... If we could... Any amount we could pay to be on set would be amazing.
We'd love to just... No, but what if it were, like, a lot of money? What if it were, like, $500?
We're incredibly rich. That is, like, pennies to us.
What, you don't like the wine? You don't like the wine?
You don't like the wine? Is this about the wine? Malbec, get this Malbec out of here. That wine, it's not the wine. It's, it's, here's what tastes so bitter to me. Is that you have no remorse for leaving me in the hands of kidnappers who eventually, yes, put me through college. But it would have been so much more meaningful had it been my own parents, my own flesh and blood. And you wouldn't spend $500? Why?
Back then, you have to adjust for inflation. I don't think that's fair. Stop, stop. You have to adjust for inflation. I guess you had $500 back in the 80s. I love these people put you through college and like, oh my God.
The rock that orbits the Earth made of a sweet, sticky substance.
Wow. The rock that orbits the Earth. That's the moon. I thought it was the rock that orders the earth.
Where'd the honey come from? Sweet substance.
I'd actually like to see a scene. Paul and Janet, you are two people who are deciding to honeymoon at the space station in space. And JPC, you're just an astronaut who's like trying to do your job and sees them as a liability.
Oh my goodness. I love you so much.
I love you to the moon and back.
No. Right. Could you just turn around?
Yeah. I don't mind if the mice watch, but we just don't know you very well. It's only been a couple of weeks.
Actually, that one mouse. Could you turn him around too?
Sorry. Oh, the experiment is... Wait. The experiment is... Could everyone hear that?
Uh, yes. Oh, good. I'm sorry. I wanted to watch and then notice my pervert eyes.
No, this is good. This means I'm not crazy.
You know, I forgot when we shot John Malkovich from Rounders into space.
We can't stop giving him roles in which he is required to have an accent and I'm not sure why we're doing that to the poor man.
And I'm the master of voices and I kind of disappear in every character that I play.
I heard just today that the Rounders was seen by its 700th person.
Vegetarian laid by birds.
A fanciful new hairstyle for your hearing orifice.
Ugh. I know you don't want to think of your ear as a hearing orifice. I don't like that.
Earwig. Daisy, great riddle, but I don't like earwigs. What? What's not to like?
Wait, hold on. Why are they called earwigs? Tompkins might be an earwig with a jaunty suit on. What? It's all coming together for me, thinking back to all the stuff you've been in.
Let's see, one inch long pincers. Okay.
Pincers. But why are they called earwigs? Did I say that wrong? Because when we were little they said it's because they grow into your ear and lay eggs.
That's always what I assumed. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think that that's right, correct? I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that's just a horrible old wives' tale.
I feel like all bugs want to get in there, right? For sure.
They all want to get in there.
That's why you're never going to sleep again, Adal.
Yeah. Don't we swallow like 10 spiders a year or something? Isn't that something?
If we're lucky. How is that info being transported?
And then we swallow 10 fucking mice to catch the spiders.
And I want to say I just swallow the same spider every year because I'm in love.
That's so lovely. I would be so relieved if they did a scan of my brain and it was just filled with bugs. I'd be like, that makes so much sense. Thank God.
That explains everything. What's the ideal bug for you?
That's so hard. Honestly, can I tell you what it feels like?
A bunch of red ants burning me from the inside out.
That's crazy because I've only ever seen you snort black ants.
For me, it would have to be jitterbug.
Sorry, the Barbershop Quartet came busting through the walls. Get them the hell out of here. They know what they did. A fatty, creamy dairy product aloft in the air. A fatty, creamy dairy product aloft in the air. Flying cream cheese in the air.
Sometimes saying the wrong thing helps other people get to the right answer.
That's called teamwork. Flying cream cheese.
Cream is what I was thinking. No. No. Levitating gelato?
This is probably my fly. Butterfly. Butterfly.
The bugs in my brain and stomach are butterflies.
A lot of Burton on his 10th take. I've got ladybugs in my stomach.
Paul, you're a butterfly. Adal, you're a caterpillar. And Paul, you're trying to convince Adal that he's going to turn into you one day.
And you guys can do the scene, but I would love to find out from Erin what kind of bug JBC and I are. Not for the scene.
But because I thought you were telling them what bug you thought they were.
OK. I'm going to... Like, what's my... Cockroach is definitely for JPC and I'll think one of them.
We might see a cockroach.
I saw him get hit by a semi, get up, dust himself off, walk away.
You're a lightning bug, Janet.
It's true. No, not going to happen for me. God bless. God bless. Oh, you say you don't want it to happen. No, I said it's not going to happen for me. Why do you think that? I've tried everything.
I've tried the creams, the balms, the pills. That's all that people just trying to sell you stuff. No. It's actually, it's a natural process. Okay. Any one of us can do it. Okay. It's all in you. Huh.
So is it like a mentality I have to adopt? That's part of it. Like eat the frog? That kind of thing? Yeah, it's kind of like eat the frog.
Or who moved my cheese? Or who moved my cheese. Save the cat.
So can I just say some of the best, all three, some of the best screenwriting tips I've ever received. Absolutely. Whom of my cheese? Always have the protagonist eat a frog. That's right. Yeah. And you look at Indiana Jones did it. Yeah. Others. Absolutely. Yeah. Move the cheese. Move the cheese. You have to place the protagonist's goal further down. They can't get what they want right away.
Exactly. This is your story right now. Yeah. Of course you want to stop looking disgusting. And so. Thank you. OK good. I was right there for a second. No we have. We're on the same page. We have mirrors. You know so here's a tip that I learned. You know when you go to sleep and you're not encased in a weird sling. Okay. Cocoon or my cast? Oh, you know what it is. Yeah, cocoon. Yeah. So you know how you go to sleep and you're not in a cocoon?
Great example. Absolutely. They move cheese.
Don Amici eats a frog. That's right. He gets on the dance floor. He's young. He's doing a breakdance.
He's a little drunk. Sorry. Okay. So, next time you go to sleep, try being in a cocoon.
Okay. We cut to later that night. No, man. I'm all good. I'm all good on mine. Yeah. Please? Can I just- It's really not big enough for two.
It's- Oh, it'll be like a slumber party. Come on.
It'd be, I feel like, more intimate than a slumber party. Like a slumber party would be like us in the same room. This is like you in my sleeping bag.
Okay, okay. Denise, Denise.
Knock, knock. Never gonna happen. We could turn into one butterfly and then we share consciousness. No thanks. Zip.
Trying to get in a cocoon.
No, it's gotta be your own cocoon.
Oh, he should have said something.
You could be in my cocoon, butterfly. Oh, okay. Must be nice.
All right, we got one more from Daisy. A network of fine threads made of a single piece of corn.
Colonel Web, Web Niblet. Episode title.
Two of the best clue characters. Thank you for the episode title.
I do want to see a scene. That's not a single, oh Daisy.
Daisy, Janet's disappointed in you.
Email me at Janet at JanetVarney.com.
Do you know the difference between a piece and an ear?
I do want to see a scene. JPC, you of course, of course, of course, are Midwest Spider-Man. Yeah. Patrolling the cornfields.
I can't even be Chicago's Spider-Man. I gotta be fuckin' DeKalb County's Spider-Man.
Colonel, Cobb, Corn, DeKalb. And Janet, you are, um, uh, not Lois Lane. What's, um, Mary Jane Parker. Thank you so much.
Wait, no, not Mary Jane Parker. That's after she marries Spider-Man. Janet, you're Lois Lane.
Well, you can't really put corn back. It's my duty to beat the shit out of you. I'm awful sorry about it, ma'am, but unless you want to pay the farmer for the corn... Wait a minute.
It's just occurring to me as a crack reporter that you're wearing some kind of weird stocking all over your body.
No, it's just my... Who are you? Why, ma'am, I'm Midwest Spider-Man. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Not since Canadian Spider-Man have I been apologized to this much. So you are Spider-Man. I heard something interesting was going on around here, but I didn't have any more info than that, so I decided to come sniff it out myself. You heard something interesting's coming on around here? Yeah, but it turns out... What? I think maybe just that you're here. There was a truck. There was a truck? I saw it from the highway. Oh, I hitchhike to get here. I don't recommend it. Oh, wow. Scribbles in notebook reminding herself to tell children not to hitchhike.
Hitchhiking is illegal around here. Is there a way that you could tell me where this truck driver was so I could beat the shit out of him? That's how I solve problems.
Can I tell you how to find someone? That sounds more like your job if you're patrolling the... Well, I guess I could beat the shit out of you and make you tell me.
It's really a fine line between what I do. I really only have the one button, you know?
You sound very young and immature. What's under that mask?
Can I see? You sound young. Me?
Is that an affect? I was trying to sound like a lifetime smoker.
I haven't been keeping track of the time, but I think it's time for a break.
Yeah, sure. Okay, we're gonna break.
Oh hand cramp, hand cramp, hand cramp. What happened buddy? I have to draw all my own cartoons now because I don't know where to get cartoons so like I have to make them all by hand and I'm not really a good animator all my stick figures are stick figures and you know they're very profane.
No don't say that, no don't say that JPC.
Sorry, yes say that that your animations are bad, but don't say that you don't know what else to do because you can check out Hulu's Animayhem. Have you heard this? You seen this? Oh yeah! Hulu's Animayhem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite shows like Family Guy, whatever JPC's drawing, Futurama, Solar Opposites, whatever JPC's drawing, Hit Monkey, Bob's Burgers, all the best stuff. And JPC's drawings, maybe, probably not though.
No, I don't think mine are ready, quite ready.
Plus, JPC, you can watch some of the freshest animated series around, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and so many more. I'm looking down at what you're doing, and I would say not this.
Not ready for... No, mine's just regular crap. It's not Crapopolis. It's just... Yeah, mine are bad. Mine are bad, and they're probably not going to be on Hulu anytime soon. But if you're looking for your favorite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. Hulu Animaham, your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. Okay, so the premise for this one is like, I'm Mr. Stick, and my body fell apart. Okay, I drew this bad.
And it's called Bubz Borgers? I'm actually sort of coming around on this.
Okay, JPC, I'm ready. I bought a rocket. I'm going into space to try and talk to the space angels to release Erin back to us. And I've learned as many languages as I can through Babel, just in case, you know, the angels speak a different language.
Yeah, and we don't know what Space Angel... You know how in Star Wars it's just called BASIC? It's English, basically. That's what we hear. I don't know what the Space Angel BASIC is, right? So it's like, you've got to be prepared with Babel to learn as many... Because, of course, Babel doesn't offer Space Angel. No one's ever learned it. No one's ever spoke... Yet, they just found that Rosetta Stone. They just uncovered part of it. I think we're getting close, but...
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And we're back and I do, I want to do something because Riddle Podcast should not just be... I want to do something too. Paul, I'm so glad you said that. Prayer hands.
I want to introduce what you're going to do. And now here's Adal with the thing he wants to do.
One down, one to go. How have we done this show for so long without stuff like this? This is perfect. This rules. Feel free to use that as a drop. All right, Casey of the Future clip that. We will leave that as a clip.
I have the PFT throwing to me like I'm a local weatherman.
Yeah, and Casey of the Future, I look forward to watching your Disney show.
Paul, would you be shocked if we used that drop for the next 500 episodes that we did?
We're not shocked is the right word. Pleasantly surprised. Pissed, disappointed.
We'll send you residuals, three cents. Residuals. That's better than Spotify. We'll see how this goes. I want this to also be confronting our fears. Now, Paul, your fear of doing an escape room is that you will be observed.
Yes, I will be the weak link because I will panic and turn into a panic room. Wow.
Jane Fonda, I want to say.
Absolutely not Jodie Foster.
Yeah, you're right. Jane Fonda is absolutely not Jodie Foster. How about we mimic an environment where Paul's doing his first escape room, and we make his worst fears come true, therefore letting him know it's not that bad. Like immersion therapy. Immersion therapy. Interesting.
Paul, does that sound fun? Absolutely. Immersion therapy. You had me at worst fear.
And now Adal's lack of sleep really starts coming back to her.
He was so high on that horse for so long. What can we do with something fun to bring up the energy? Let's do therapy.
Next up, Janet, you hate earwigs. Let's see what happens when we drop one inside your orifice.
Just dump one in your ear.
Paul managed being kidnapped. Let's talk about that some more.
Do we want to do more riddles?
Erin, we would love to do more riddles.
Do you want to do more riddles? These are from Kit. They're some of Kit's favorite riddles. I can be sliced and remain a whole. I can be driven, yet I have no wheels. What am I?
Something that can be both sliced and driven.
I can be sliced, but still whole, and remain a whole. I can be driven, yet have no wheels.
No, I would say I can be driven but have no wheels is probably the helpful part of this.
Is this like a driven as in like a work ethic? The snow?
Yeah, like ambition. It still makes you feel empty inside, like you can be a whole.
That sounds, Paul, throw it to me. Workaholic. And now here's Adal with what he thinks. Janet, we have to do therapy.
No, but you're right that it's not driving.
Okay. Golf ball? No. Golf ball! Yes! Okay, I don't play golf. Wow.
I don't either. Adal outs himself as a golf fanatic.
It has golf balls in its pocket.
I have two heads, yet one body. The longer I stand still, the faster I run.
Is this pre-Fontaine before the surgery? No. Oh, because there were two pre-Fontaines.
But you were on the right track with time. And pre-Fontaine can still get you pregnant. I felt so wrong.
The longer I stand still, the wetter I get. Let's review. The wetter I get. Janet said shower. That's all I could think of.
The longer I stand still, the fatter I get. We know two heads are better than one.
See, I kind of have some issues with this Riddle. Why are we letting a talking car send riddles in?
Did Knight Rider have a name or was Knight Rider the car? Michael! Michael Knight! Michael Knight. Michael.
The most helpful part of this is the fact that Janet was closest with time. The more... Hourglass.
Yes. That makes sense. Do we call those heads? Yeah, that's why I'm annoyed. I've never heard that.
Should we go to Riddle Court? Everybody turn over that head of the hourglass to the other head. I've never heard anyone say that.
What we call heads in this world is a mystery to me because we also like call lettuce as heads.
Favorite for Riddle Court.
All rise for Riddle Court. All right, here's Judge JPC to preside over it.
Be seated, everyone, please. Be seated.
All rise, all rise, all rise.
Adal, you will be the defense today. Paul, you are the prosecution.
As tradition, bailiff asides duties at the beginning of Riddle Court.
Yes, Janet, you are the jury. And I'm typing it all down.
Since I have the defense from the jurors, can we just get like a healthy like defense? Can we just get like some energy in the court? Missed trial. I object. Yeah.
Uh, sustained. All right, judge.
Thank you, Bailey. He gets one. He gets the first one to get me warmed up. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. He's in training, right? Yes. Watch yourself, counselors. Now, the riddle on trial today is, uh, So, Riddle, which basically comes down to, do we call hourglasses, the top part of an hourglass or the bottom part, the head of the hourglass? You are the defense, so I'll let you, Adal, give your opening statement.
Your Honor, takes out a handkerchief, mops brow, undoes suspenders. And we all know that in my court- Pants fall down. Pants fall down, picks them up, pulls tall glass of lemonade, opens up a ship rope, takes out other shirt. Your Honor, you yourself just demonstrated why it's so important that we call both sides of an hourglass a head. You didn't know what to call it. You yourself said, the thing, the, the, what?
And I'm not supposed to do that. I'm supposed to be impartial. Shit. Don't tell anybody.
Your Honor, you fucked up.
Uh, sustained on that one as well.
This simple country lawyer would have you believe that the only thing to call the two bases of the hourglass
Uh, let's keep this trial to one day. Sustained.
Ooh, he got two! Okay, well I guess that's sustained, so I guess the prosecution wins by default because the bailiff is now... What are we doing here?
This is like our actual legal system here in the United States!
Hand raise, I thought of something. Okay, well I'll allow it. Your Honor, I hand raise as well. Overruled. Do we rock, paper, scissors? Roshamon, please. You're standing right now because you're infuriated. When you put buttered rice in your mouth, where does it go?
First of all, I've never accepted a bribe in the history of my career and I'm not about to now.
I'll try one bite. Holy smokes, this is good. What kind of butter is this? Oh, it's a compound butter. Ooh. Meaning? Koresh or Caridin?
Thank you, your honor, thank you.
Well, we never got to the bottom of it.
Yeah, and we never will. And we never will.
My tell-all book will be coming out, and I'll be explaining I did nothing.
That's what jurors do. I would love to read a tell-all book, and it's like, yeah, man, I guess I was just there. Tales of a background actor.
There were no witnesses. There was no evidence. I think we might have done this last one from Kip before, but I don't, well, Paul's never been here, so you've never done it. So I'm gonna read it again. I have two coins worth 30 cents, and one of them isn't a nickel. How is that possible?
One is a quarter, and the other one's a nickel. But the quarter's not a nickel. So there can still be a nickel, but just one of them is not a nickel.
Yeah, one coin is not a nickel. That's true. And the other coin is a nickel.
The other coin is a nickel.
Well, I'm glad I got to see that.
Totally worth doing it twice. When you write your tell-all book, you'll be able to tell that that's something you saw.
Mine's going to be a tell-some.
Yeah, keep some of those secrets to yourself.
Comparable to seeing Otani bats?
We have some repeat... What time is it? We're good. We got time. We got some repeat riddles from Kyle McGowan.
Now when Kyle sends them in, does Kyle say, I loved these so much the first time around, I would love for you guys to revisit them? Or you just know they're repeats because you remember doing them?
What, Kyle calls the shots here? Yeah, Kyle's kind of our boss.
Oh, it's that Kyle? Sorry, sir.
Yeah, I was gonna say, I need to start sucking up to Kyle.
He was on the JoCo cruise. And then I said, forward the riddles that you submitted in like 2020 or whatever.
Well, these, riddles, these are actually called, this is what he says, last time I submitted riddles in this format, you dubbed them rindles.
Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle
Yeah, something's happening in my brain for sure. All those red ants are unionizing.
I'm going to put myself into the rindular perspective before we get started. I've been living in the ridular zone.
Rindular seems to be a million years ago.
That's probably a good sign. And we'll go ahead and just do a 50-minute- Where were we ever so young? Ridular. 50-minute check-in, and Paul, you're having a good time. This is good. This is fun.
Paul is laying down. Just let the last 10 minutes pass.
So I'm back with movie rindles this time. I gave you a description of a movie with a twist and you came up with the title of the movie with one letter added. The letter can be at the beginning, middle, or end of the word. Ben Affleck is a comic book artist who falls for Joey Lauren Adams only to learn that she's in the military and their love can never be.
Harrison Ford has to stop Nazis from finding a biblically important bird. Yes, Raiders of the Lost Ark. He's so fast. Joe Pesci, not typecast at all, is a wise guy tasked with transporting eight human heads across the country. Things get complicated when the heads start to get amorous with each other.
Eight heads in a muffle bag?
This is a movie that you know? Eight heads in a duffle bag? Hey Riddle
It hits in a duffle shag.
You add a letter. I'm playing the game right. You're not.
So duffle's the word we're looking to... No, not duffle.
Is it eight? Nope. It's bag.
Okay, and now I just have to think of a sex word where you add one letter to bag. Shag.
Yes. It hits in a duffle shag. Bag.
Blag. Blag. Is blagging? That's a thing, right?
You guys totally blagged last night, didn't you? Did you and Jessica blag last night? Holy shit, good for you, bro.
Me in 7th grade. Who blagged last night? Am I right, boys?
Am I getting it right? We all did a big blag, correct? Hold on, Adal's actually thinking about this.
Eight Heads and a Duffle Bang?
Sometimes it can go on the inside.
What era Joe Pesci is this? I have no memory of this movie.
This is post-Casino, I think.
I've never seen this movie.
Can you give me a scene from that movie?
Is David Spade in that movie? No, but he's in the one with Daniel Stern. It's like a bachelor party and they accidentally kill like a stripper. This feels like it's all Quentin Tarantino at its height era.
Everything is like, these wacky gangsters have to blah blah blah blah blah.
You know, things to do in Denver when you're dead. And like Guy Ritchie was also like a thing. Martin McDonough's Seven Psychopaths.
That movie came out like... But he's making fun of that era, I think.
Okay, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Tom? I like him. You like Mike McDonough? I do!
Pillow Man? I like his work. I do except for, uh, three billboards.
Well, you know what? I couldn't get through it. I started watching and I was like, hmm, I don't think so.
I guess I should be wearing headphones because I heard Paul say I had to accept for three billboards and I thought you accepted an award.
How did I get in this situation?
I'd like to see a quick scene. I'd like to see a quick scene. Paul, you're at the Oscars, three billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri. Just won an Oscar in this world. They ask you to accept the award on Martin McDonagh's behalf.
Hi, um, well, I guess this isn't the restroom. I, uh, I guess I want to thank the Academy on behalf of this movie and all the, all the, everybody's agent. Just great. Oh, thank God.
Goodbye! Francis McDormand is vigorously pointing.
Tom Hanks and Shelley Long buy a house that seems to be a steal only to discover it's literally falling apart and absolutely crawling with primates.
The Money... Monkey Trap! The Monkey Pit!
We always joke around the 50 minute mark of our show is when our guests' brains break.
And you're right on time. Usually you guys have cold compresses nearby.
Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn play Basil and Parsley, two frenemies fighting for the affections of Bruce Willis.
Yes, I didn't even have to finish it. Both gain access to a potion that seems to reverse aging but at the expense of making her clinically decreased. Death becomes herb. The McAllister family is spending Christmas in Paris, except they left one family member behind. Can the baldest, stupidest member of the family fend off the wet bandit?
No. The baldest and stupidest Calou? Yeah.
Famous father, bald, stupid father.
Yeah, Homer alone. He has a couple of strands of hair. Yeah, he's Charlie Browning bald.
Burt Reynolds, Roger Moore, Jackie Chan, and others race across the country to win an ancient stones engraved with mythical glyphs.
I said ruin. I put an I. That's a good one too.
Al Pacino tries to rob a bank and things quickly go wrong. While chanting, Attica, Attica, he realizes his fly was open and he's been swinging pipe the whole time.
Dog day after... DONG DAY AFTERNOON
Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy are Detroit detectives who travel to an upscale suburb of Los Angeles to solve their friend's murder. While there, they befriend Judge Reinhold and Judge Reinhold.
Beverly Hills Clown Cop. Beverly Hills Clumps.
If Eddie Murphy had seen the script, he would have made the movie.
What if he had done that movie and then he just started redoing his old movies with the clumps?
I wish in the new, in Axl Laff, there had been just one clump.
One clump. Just sprinkle one clump in the air. A clumpster egg? Yes.
A clumpster egg. Now this is maybe more philosophical, but can you have but one clump? Because a clump implies a clump.
It's never been attempted before.
Richard Pryor is a blind man. Gene Wilder
Yeah, but it's in it's the show the word cop co-op and I oh my god, it's not it's that's Aaron Paul is our guest.
Yes, Beverly Beverly Hills Hills cop cop
Beverly Hills Cope. Beverly Hills Cope. Sometimes when you find out you have a clone it's just difficult and you have to get through it.
If you are also me I could accuse you of Richard Pryor is a blind man. Gene Wilder can't stop removing the wool from sheep. They witness a murder and have to solve it to clear their names.
We're going to do Adal and Janet. You work at a place called Beverly Hills Copy. Don't do it.
Don't do it. I mean, I'm not doing it. You're in the scene. Beverly Hills copy, and the rest of us may play customers at some point, but no one gets that it is a pun on Beverly Hills cop. And you kind of have to like, you have to make sure. Paul's eyes are laser focused on the clock. You have to make sure that people understand. You have to make sure that people understand that that's what it is.
Hi, I'm here to pick up some flyers.
Hi. Welcome to Beverly Hills Copy.
Thank you. So do you need my name or the order number? We would love any and all information. OK. The name and the last name is Jackson. I heard Axel. It's Jackson.
Hey, excuse me. I was just in here picking up my copies, which by the way took forever. Do you guys have cameras in your parking lot? Because someone stuffed the tailpipe of my car full of bananas. And I think there's something now seriously wrong with my car.
I'm not going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe, are you?
Oh wait. What? Talk to our friend Surge. What a gift. Bump set. I'm sorry, are you the manager?
What? Are you the manager here?
Bronson Pinchot as Serge.
It's the most famous thing in the world.
Somebody put a bunch of bananas in the tailpipe of my- I'm sorry, sir, I'd be butting in here, but my car is seriously fucked up. Are you the manager? They just said your name was Serge?
Erin, talk like you have caramel in every part of your mouth.
Not just the regular part. Is this a monkey pit thing?
Yes. And other parts where it's supposed to be.
Are you the manager? I need help. Please. Do something.
My order number is 132... What the fuck?
What are we talking about?
This was Bronson Pinchot's first big thing.
He had a cameo in... Well, not a cameo. Nobody knew who he was. He had a very small part in the original Beverly Hills Cop, where he made up his own accent, and he was the maitre d' at a restaurant.
God, I love that. And he improvised opposite... It was such a sensation. They let him improvise, and he broke Eddie Murphy, and so Eddie Murphy was like, give him more time.
Richard Pryor is a blind man.
Gene Wilder can't stop removing the wool from sheep.
See no evil, shear no evil.
I do a variety show called Varietopia. It's every other month at Laudroom in Los Angeles, but we also live stream them so you can see them from anywhere really and go to paulftompkins.com slash live for tickets.
Wonderful. Janet, anything to plug?
I don't know, you can listen to my podcast The JV Club, you can listen to the Avatar podcast Braving the Elements. Bye. Adal, anything to plug?
Yes. Go watch the original Beverly Hills Cop. Bronson Pinchot, fantastic. Young Damon Wayans is fantastic. It holds up pretty well, that movie. Hector Elizondo, I believe. You watched it not too long ago.
Have people seen the new one? I was going to ask, and I have not watched it yet.
The new one is okay, but the first one is extraordinary.
There's some fun stuff in the new one. It was one very funny chase with that little meter maid car.
Oh, I just thought of something I want to plug. I want to plug Bronson Pinchot as an audiobook narrator. Now, I love listening to audiobooks, and he's really got quite a career going as an audiobook narrator, and he does a terrific job. Is that true? This sounds sarcastic, but it's 100% sincere.
Harry Potter lived in a cupboard beneath the stars. Wait, what does he do?
It's just a great narrator. You can look him up. He does a great job.
I've never thought to do that. Does he do a variety of genres? That's fascinating to me. I'll read a George R. R. Martin book. He probably does play him.
So aggressive. That might be the only way I listen to it.
The Bible's also so long that I could easily see Michael Rapaport getting bored. Covet thy neighbor's wife? Are you fucking serious? You're going to covet your neighbor's wife? Insane.
I think you can come and see us on tour in the east, northeast this fall. You can find those tickets at HeyRiddleRiddle.com. We're going to New York and DC and Boston. Nice. Erin, do you have anything to plug?
I would just say check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. Lots of fun over there. Janet's on a lot of those episodes.
They like to put me behind a paywall.
We do. Because you mean a lot to us. We think you have a lot of value.
And Paul's going to be showing up in a lot of those when he throws it to me for. Yeah, it's true. Mini segments with Paul.
I just want to promote my drops on Hey Riddle Riddle Riddle. We'll add one right here and then you can say whatever you want to say.
Yeah, we don't have to say it because we're adding Paul dropping in, introducing your segment, which is you plugging anything that you want to plug.
Sure. And now here's Adal with the thing he wants to do. Okay.
So I already plugged my thing, but I do want to call out, have we ever seen John Malkovich from Rounders and Bronson Pinchot from Beverly Hills Cop in the same place at the same time? And Erin, that might sound a little something like... Jupiter.
I haven't been keeping track of the time, but I think it's time for a break.
Okay, cool. So we'll take it. Does anyone need anything on this break? Not me, man. I don't need anything.
I don't need anything. A little moonshine?
Hey there, boxes and Chatter Bay Biscuits. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chatterbox, where we're answering your questions from the Discord. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, and you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!
That was a hate gum podcast.