Which Riddle Riddle?

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Hey Riddle.

Oh, hey, Adal, Erin, real quick, I want to get into the episode because it's like, you know, I know it's... I want to get into the episode. Yeah. I was just talking to a professional and I was, you know, kind of unpacking some stuff going on. I don't want to get too deep into what I was doing before this, but I did want to tell you that I promise today to be a good boy and be the best boy, be the best little boy I can be.

What?

Yeah, so I was talking to a professional, and again, I don't want to get too much into it, but I just wanted to let you guys, to inform you guys to, it's like a legal requirement. I was talking to a judge, and I just want to let you guys know, legally, that I am going to be the best little boy I can be today.

Erin, you've been out of town. What happened was, JPC is getting kind of out of control of the episodes, you know?

Yeah, I noticed that.

For maybe the past... 300? 313 episodes or so? But I sent him off to boarding school, because I found a bunch of... smoke bombs and cherry bombs in this trunk under his bed. So he went to boarding school and then some kid got hurt at boarding school because JPC's like 48 or something and like beat up a kid. I can't remember what happened.

49.

But then it was like sort of court mandated. Court mandated. A court mandate which is when you combine two words and a sentence. It's when you combine a court mandate and a court date.

What happens if he's a bad boy? He's going to get in way worse trouble. We're setting him up for failure. This show brings out the worst in him.

Erin, I'm so glad you asked. There's absolutely no chance that I'm going to be a bad boy today because I have gone through the program and I've talked to the professional and today, just to let everyone know, I'm going to be the best version of myself today.

No, no, I feel like we should be removing your triggers. I think we should be putting you in a space where there are no riddles, there are no puzzles, there are no lateral thinking problems. There are no co-hosts, you know, things that like usually trigger you into madness.

I appreciate that so much. You don't know what that means to me, but I can assure you everything is going to be okay. I'm actually doing way better now.

And is that a straight jacket, or are you just putting your arms inside your sleeves like a little kid does?

Baby, this is a straight jacket, you know? It's straight up all jacket. Oh, like straight fire kind of thing?

Yeah.

Okay. Everybody just sort of careful. No sudden movements. Let's just get through this episode.

Hey, I'm JPC. I'm one of the best boys around. That's Erin, and that's Adal, and we're going to do a little podcast called Hey Riddle Riddle, and everybody's nice and good.

Wow, that was maybe the best intro we've ever had.

Yeah.

And we got through it without any sort of weirdness or wildness or insanity. Sure.

I guess this is good timing. We've been together six years officially now, which is insane.

That is insane. Well, Erin, don't say insane. That's one of the trigger words.

Nope, it doesn't matter. It's not going to do anything to me. Hold on. Hold on.

He just swallowed that squirrel. One big breath got that whole squirrel in there. Oh my goodness.

Swallowed a squirrel and spit up a full cobra. Tip for town, I guess. Well, this is, Erin, you're absolutely right. This is our six year anniversary episode. No, six years. Six years. Erin, thank you so much for flying in from L.A. to be in Chicago here. It means a lot that you're here in person.

Of course. Yeah. You can see the beautiful Chicago skyline behind me. Very real. Very Chicago. The Bean.

Erin, this is audio.

Yes, but I just wanted to prove to you guys that I definitely flew back to Chicago.

Well, the proof is in the pudding, and I know that there's pudding here, but I'm just going to leave it where it is. I'm not going to be touching it, and it's not going to be turning into any sort of fuck pudding or any classic bits from the show.

Oh, fuck pudding was, oh.

Fuck pudding's a great bit. If you touch it, pudding's for eating, right?

Exactly, exactly. And if I feel like I need to eat something, I'll have one spoonful of the pudding, and I'll put it in my mouth and swallow.

Good. And then after that, the spoon goes where?

You thought you could get me the sink.

The sink. Yeah, you don't sink it in your butt. You put it in the sink.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

I have something very special planned today. This is something that's been a long time coming. In six years, I am... Actually, when I go back and listen to the show, which I actually don't do, I am shocked that we have never done this. This is the first time ever. And this is something I think legally we were supposed to do a long time ago. I think we all agree that I started the podcast. I'm not the boss. We all know Erin's the boss. She calls the shot. But I, at the very least, started the podcast.

So I have no power here.

Yes, ma'am. We'll play along, ma'am. And here's the thing. We were supposed to take a vacation from riddles every two years. Now six year anniversary? Yes! Do you know what the six year anniversary gift is? It's iron. And immediately I was like, oh, we have to plan riddles around metal or different ages. And then I was like, wait, iron makes me think of like a nine iron, which makes me think of golf, which makes me think of like freaking Myrtle Beach and a vacation. So I was like, we need a vacation. And then I was like, we don't really do that. We don't really take vacations. But then I thought about iron. And I thought, Iron, I earned this. I earned this vacation, Iron. Wow! Okay! I want everyone to say this. I earn a vacation.

I earn a vacation.

I mean, it's wordplay, but it's kind of dangerously close to a pun. I just don't want to slip into any sort of bad habit that might lead me back into some old behavior that I'm trying to be better at.

Well, it's okay, because we're taking a vacation from this. We've earned this. We deserve this. I can say it. I can say it. You can say it. Go ahead.

I do feel internally like I was supposed to take a vacation a long time ago, Adal, so that checks out.

Yes, so what we're going to do, and here's the thing, I don't care if listeners are upset and they say they didn't do a single riddle this episode. We legally have to take a vacation. We are on a vacation from riddles. There will be no riddles this episode. And in fact, reaches into my pocket, pulls out three plane tickets. We're going to... Aruba, Aruba, ooh, I wanna scuba in Aruba.

Where are we going?

Well, the song, it lists many different places, so... Sedona.

We're going to Sedona, Arizona.

Yeah! Aruba, Sedona, wanna touch some crystals. Adal, sorry, I'm looking at my plane ticket here and it says direct flight from Chicago to Sedona.

Yeah.

What if one of us, I'm not saying who, lied about flying back to Chicago for this anniversary and is actually somewhere else?

Erin, you're right in front of me. What are you talking about?

Exchange the plane ticket.

Wait a second, wait a second. You're right in front of me on the computer screen.

No, this is meta nonsense. I'll figure it out on my own time. I'll figure this out. I got it. I got it. I'll talk to the person at the desk and I got it. I got it.

How can I help you, ma'am?

Hi, sorry. I'm making like two meta of a joke that's sort of slogging down my episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. Can I have- You're in a podcast? Yeah. Okay, so- Currently in a podcast.

You lied about where you were geographically in the United States and you need to get your ticket changed because you lied about- Right, but this is sort of a complicated one.

So obviously- Sure. Obviously Adal knows that I'm not in Chicago, but he... Okay, I don't have context for that, but yeah, okay.

Adal, Chicago.

Yeah, my co-host was like, obviously knows I'm in Los Angeles. He made a joke about like, thank you for flying out to Chicago for our anniversary show. And I said, of course, and then I made a joke about how I'm pretending to be back in Chicago to not hurt their feelings, but I'm obviously still in LA. But then he's giving me a fake plane ticket to go to, from Chicago to Sedona, and I need to switch out my fake plane ticket from LA to Sedona.

Yes.

Okay. Does this make sense? Yeah, this is actually easy to track.

I feel like this is not making sense. No, I just need a couple pieces of information. You have one co-host on the show?

I got two co-hosts.

Oh, two co-hosts. Okay, first co-host?

Adal Rifai.

Okay, Adal Rifai, spelled it perfectly the first time. Second co-host?

Uh, his name is JPC and he's currently being a good boy. Well, he's trying.

Slams the counter shut. Uh, slams the shutter shut. Wait, what? That was a close sign.

What are you talking about?

Go away.

Oh, come on, why?

No, go away. Let me in. We won't have his name spoken here. This is a legitimate business. This happens every time. Instead of a better joke.

How am I supposed to improve everything on this podcast if this is the response I get every time I mention JPC is one of the co-hosts?

He's a demon! He shall not pass! Slams a cane into the counter, counter falls, Balrog eats whole counter!

He's trying to turn a new leaf, he's being good today! He's only swallowed one squirrel, forget it.

San Diego, en fuego, baby let my leg go.

Erin!

Wow. Are you all set for the flight from Chicago to Sedona? I should be. Three minutes into that song. That was fucking awesome. I named every city in the world. A lot of Springfields.

Well, I'm ready. I'm ready for a vacation. Does anyone need any airplane snacks or anything before we go? Neck pillow?

I don't think we can bring snacks on an airplane. I think we have to buy them for $14 a box, right? And we have to use their thin little biscuit pillows? We can't bring our own, right? That's insane.

I certainly can't walk into a duty-free store because of a bit that I do every time I walk into a duty-free store, and I don't want to fall back into my old pattern, so I certainly won't.

Takes a shit on the floor. He strains his face and then he goes, your store is a lie now. And they go, huh? And then they go, oh man.

And then I fly on a plane for four hours.

Let's just get on the plane then. No snacks, no pillows.

Raw dog it.

We're gonna raw dog it.

I can't believe I said stuff like that.

And of course Gemma's a flight attendant, so I got us a free flight on her airline.

Let's go ahead and- No, I'll pay for a different airline. I don't mind. I don't mind doing that.

So we're on vacation, but this audio is still going to be released. I think Gemma, she's probably texting you right now. That's fine. When she hears this. Okay, yeah. We'll just tell her we took her airline and let's take, what do we want to take?

What's like a good- Like a pretend air or like hypothetical air, podcast air.

Air, yeah, something fun. Erin, what do you, oh, air in. In. Air in.

Great.

Great. And so, Erin, you're probably the plane.

Right. Not the pilot. Of course, I'm the plane.

Oh, pilot. Well, I already said plane, so we have to support that. No, no.

I will lay down on the ground, armed up. All right.

Okay, what could I be on this? I mean, I guess I could be like a loose dog on the plane who's actually like a genie who grants wishes. Who's a good boy. Why don't I do this? Why don't I do this? Normal passenger. I'll just be normal passenger.

I don't know, GPC, that feels like... I would give yourself a tiny bit of chaos in the things that you're doing, so... It's like letting air out of... like air pressure out, do you know what I mean?

No. No, the judge said I shouldn't let any air out. He said I should hold it all in, push it all down. So I'll just be a normal... normal man! Normal man on a plane.

You don't know what that means, bud. You don't know what that even means, buddy.

It starts back at my shoe case. One shoe, two shoes, three shoes, four shoes, five shoes, six shoes, seven shoes, eight shoes.

Okay, and I'm going to be passing your 57. Always bet on me.

Great, great. Wow, I thought we were 30 minutes into this episode. We're only several minutes in. That's fine. All right, we're on the plane to Sedona.

Okay.

I can't believe we're grabbing drive-thru fast food.

I'll take... What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? Um, I want a... Erin, you get the same thing every time. All right, can I have an ice cream cone, but can you drizzle the mac sauce on it? From the Big Mac? Thank you. What do you guys want?

Same.

Double that.

Should I just do my normal JPC order? Nope, you gotta be a good boy. Okay, so don't just roll 2d6 and then take whatever combo meal comes up on the dice order. You know what I'll have? Plain water.

Water for the plane. Thank God I don't have to hear a McDonald's employee scramble to make a number 40 meal.

Okay. What do you think they said? It doesn't matter. Never matters. Oh guys, I don't have my wallet. Adal, can you use some of your money?

Oh, Erin, sweetie, you carry a purse. Not a wallet.

So you noticed. Fine, I'll fuckin' pay for this fuckin' shit.

I think your wallet might be in your purse.

Yeah, fine, I'll fuckin' pay for this fuckin' shit. I'm the plane that's hurt. It hurts to be the plane, and also I'm paying, I guess.

Oh, it's kinda like it's good to be the king. It hurts to be the plane. It hurts to be the plane, yes.

All right, this plane water was $10. $10 plane water, most expensive thing we got. Perfect.

It's Evian.

All right, now that that's all set, let's take off into the sky.

Okay, and remember we're on Island Time. We're on Sedona Island Time, so everything, just relax. Who cares what we spend on fast food? Let's all just relax.

So far this is not, I feel like this has not been so much of a departure from the stress, the ordinary stressors of a Hey Riddle Riddle episode to me. I feel like they're all still kind of here. I need to relax. I'm just flying my two podcast co-hosts through the sky on my back while I eat an ice cream cone covered in mac sauce.

I'm on vacation. One thing that I learned about myself recently is that I have what doctors like to call internal turbulence. You know how when you're in a plane and it's just like bumping back and forth and it's very violent? That's what exists inside of my heart and my mind.

Aaron, I think when I said I'm on Island Time, I think JPC heard I'm on I Learn Time. And so that's why he said something he learned.

Mm hmm.

Hi. Thank you for flying, Erin. I'm your flight attendant. My name is Gemma Rifai. Can I help you with any snacks or anything?

I'm sort of sick from this ice cream cone, predictably. So I think I'm all set for now.

Oh, okay. Um, well, I'll say goodbye how I say goodbye to every passenger of Air in Airlines. What walks on four legs in the morning?

Uh, wait, wait a second. I'm sorry. What's going on? What's happening? What's happening?

Just doing a classic little sign off. What walks on four legs in the morning? Four legs in the evening. Okay, okay. Thank you. Thank you. No riddles, please. Yeah, no riddles. We're on vacation.

What the hell was that? Forgot the end of the riddle, so I had to cut himself off.

I am, I am so sorry. I don't think he forgot. I think he did want to do it.

I think he forgot it. Well, shouldn't we have Riddle to us? Because we're on vacation. That's like, you can't. Doesn't she know about my triggers? We told her about my triggers.

Adal, I'll freak. We really can't have Riddles this episode. I'll get upset. JBC will have to go to the moon. I don't know where he's getting exiled to if he fucks up again.

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I'm more worried about JPC turning into a bad little boy, because Erin, you always say, I'll freak, but what that looks like is you sort of folding your arms, kind of keeling over and falling asleep on your own arms.

Okay. If it works, it works. Is my argument to that, I guess.

One minute's freakout, yeah.

You know, I can just tell right now, we're all sort of at the edge. We're coming to the edge. So everybody, let's just... Erin, other plane.

Other plane.

Erin, other plane. I hit it right head on. Knocked it out of the sky.

I'm actually not edging anymore because that's again, that's the old JPC. So it's like I'm not even coming to the edge. I'm not even at risk of coming at all. I'm just living normally.

I just knocked a full plane out of the sky. I think several people are probably dead. That's fine. That's fine. We're on vacation. Coconut. Coconut. That's my word to get into vacation mode. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Run.

Hey, buddy, where you going? Where's your trip to? Hey, buddy, I'm talking to you.

I'm sorry. I was thinking about putting headphones in. I'm going to Sedona with some colleagues.

Headphones, that's funny, huh?

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Oh, uh, I just told him I'm from Chicago. Uh, Chicago? Yeah. Uh, I've been, I've been there.

Oh, thank you so much, but don't do a, don't do a pun to me. It could, it could really, it could, it's like a trigger for me. It could really kind of... Oh, really? Yeah, unleash like a whole different side of me that I just don't... Ooh, you're getting pretty sweaty, buddy. Traveling with colleagues, traveling with colleagues, traveling with colleagues. Friend. I am a dog wrangler, and I have a hundred dogs in the belly of this plane. Wait, wait.

Hold up. Who is this other guy on my back? GPC, did you invite a friend? Who is this? Huh?

Who's GPC? I'm GPC. Yes, no, no.

Uh-oh, buddy. Were you losing it? Were you losing grip?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in control. I'm in control. I'm in control. I'm in control. I don't have a hundred dogs in the belly of this plane. I don't have a hundred dogs in the belly of this plane.

OK, you guys, I'm flying the plane. I need you guys looking out for security back there and not let Randos, RANDOS, hop onto the plane. OK?

Erin, I think that was an Andrew Dice Clay impersonator. And I think he was here before we got here. I think that might be someone that's just kind of like always on you.

And Erin, I just want to make sure I have this right. You're flying the plane or you are the plane?

You tell me. You gifted it to me improv-wise earlier. You said it. You said it. It's happening. I'm out of vacation mode again. Coconut.

There's a bunch of Andrew Dice Clay guys back here. I don't know what this is.

I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm in vacation mode. Everything's fine. Time to land. How do I land? Don't tell Adal and JPC you're not quite sure.

Flight 429, you are cleared for landing.

Hey, thanks.

Can you... Don't do my voice back to me, please. That throws me off.

I sort of have that echo, like mimic kind of thing in my brain where if I hear someone do a voice, I have to do the voice too. Please, don't do that, please. Can you walk me through how to land Erin? Okay, so what model Erin is this? Uh, age 32. Saddest she's ever been. Tummy ache.

Oh, 32. That's not a model. That's, uh, that's not a model, Erin. That's, I don't know, what sort of a layabout, Erin?

Okay, that's a little insulting.

Uh, do you see in front of you, you should have two legs. They're sort of sprawled out behind you like the tail of a plane.

Oh, I do have these. I told someone earlier I didn't.

Well, you're going to want to pull those forward. Bend at the knees and then put your feet straight down and sort of come to a halt.

Ow! Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ooh, I saw that. Are you okay?

I saw that. Are you okay? Ah! Ah! Oh, God. Oh, no, no. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut.

She just kind of straightened her legs. That shouldn't cause so much pain. She's 32, not 100.

And welcome to Sedona. Lay around the neck. Welcome to Sedona. Lay around the neck.

This guy's trying to choke me! I'll fight you! I'll fight you! Okay, never mind. It's just a thing that you do in Sedona. I am so sorry. I almost slipped into the old me. I will eat these in my hotel room.

No, he won't. He won't.

No, I won't. Never mind.

You don't eat these.

Because I don't eat these anymore.

You'll eat human food.

I'll eat humans.

Food. Food.

I'll eat humans food.

Okay, close enough.

Welcome to Arizona. Can I see your passport, please?

Oh, right. Okay. Well, luckily I have mine on me. I thought because this was the United States, we wouldn't need our passport.

Are you here for a podcast or vacation? Oh, how do we answer this question?

Vacation.

I guess vacation, yeah.

A podcast-mandated vacation. Is that on your little clipboard?

Podcast-mandated vacation? That ticks both boxes. Step out of line, I'm going to have to have my buddy put you in another room. Your buddy? Yeah, my buddy. What do you mean, your buddy? Co-workers can't be friend. I don't call my co-worker a colleague, he's my legit friend.

Yeah, what do you mean?

We can't be buddies just because we work together? We hang out most weekends. That's right. We even got a handshake. Here we go.

Arizona! Wait a second. Wait a second. So you three do a podcast together, but you're not, you don't call each other your buddy or your pal?

Yeah, that happened earlier. He called me his colleague, JPC did.

I just, I can't, I'm not supposed to form like two personal relationships with people because of just kind of a thing that I have going on with myself, trying to be my best, a best boy, my best boy, best behavior.

This guy, he needs to let loose.

He needs to go wild. I can see it in his eyes.

Oh, like a volcano. This guy is fuckin' Mount St. Helens, right? More like Mount Dew, St. Helens, the way this guy's fuckin' energy is.

This guy looks like Baja Blast St. Helens, and he's absolutely gonna blast off, and he's gonna have the time of his life here in Sedona, Arizona.

Sedona, Arizona, home of the iced tea. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 99 cents, paint it on the can. Which fucks over everyone. Can we go? Yeah, as long as you tell us three facts about Arizona. I bet in your little podcast you probably did stuff about Arizona, right? Or I could ask you a riddle.

Uh, no, no.

We're not allowed to do riddles.

Phoenix is a city in Arizona.

That's one.

There's a dry heat in Arizona.

Erin, you're crushing it. That's two. And... John McCain. That's right, John McCain.

Is that right? I'll just google that real quick. I'll just see.

Well, no, you just said John McCain with no further details, right?

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, he was a person. Yeah. Erin, that was great. Did we ever do Arizona in the State series for Patreon?

I think I gave up on those a while ago, right? Do I still do those?

Well, we've done a lot since a while ago. Oh boy.

I don't remember that at all. I needed this vacation bad. Coconut, coconut. My legs are numb and pained.

I'm a little worried that we just got here and those two Customs and Border Patrol agents were talking about like unleashing my Mountain Dew and like cracking open my secret tab and then somebody tried to make us Let's just get you to the hotel room.

You can sit in the dark in a hotel room. We won't turn the TV on. We'll bring you a nice cold drink, GPC, and none of these stimulators will be around to get you off your course.

That sounds wonderful because I'm starting to feel a little overstimulated.

I'm not going to turn the TV on. Erin, I told you at 5 p.m. the Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Raymond is annoyed that his wife is on. And that's my favorite.

I know, but Adal, we have to make some sacrifices. Also, this is your fault. You booked us one room that has one twin bed in it. So now we all have to make a sacrifice, OK?

I thought I was booking us three tickets to the Best Western. And everyone knows the Best Western is Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven from 1992, co-starring Morgan Freeman.

The Best Western is that movie he did with that chimp.

Oh, yeah. Any which way but loose, I think. And it was an orangutan. Yeah.

All right. Let's just go to the hotel.

OK. Pardon me.

Checking in.

Whoa. Thunder and lightning happened the second you started talking.

It's a dry heat here in Arizona.

Where are you from? Me? Yeah, you. New Mexico, originally.

Albuquerque.

Yeah, we could tell by the accent. Yeah, so we're a little tuckered out from our whole day of traveling. We have one room with one twin bed in it. It should be under Hey Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, hey Riddle. Here for a podcast? No.

A vacation from a podcast.

Oh.

Check both boxes. Don't usually... Well, let me check both. Okay, it's fine. It's fine. We'll need a credit card to put down on file. Erin?

Adal?

I don't have a purse.

My god. I'm ruined.

And the machine's broken, so you'll have to read it out. All 16 digits.

Erin, read your real credit card. Read your real credit card. Erin, read your real credit card.

It's all come to this.

4 0 2 8 9 6 3 1 9 6 5 2 1 3

Okay, two more.

Five.

Just falling asleep, sorry about that.

Okay, and just for anonymity's sake, I'll go ahead and bleep out.

4-0-2-8-9-6-3-1, or no, 4-6-3-1-9-6-5-2-1-3-5-4. And you're beeping that whole thing, right? Yeah, I guess.

You're getting it right on time?

I think I got a couple of beeps in there. 4-0-2-8-4-6-3-1-9-0-5-2-1-3-5-4.

Erin, I'll put it in the summary of this audio.

Okay, great, but beep it and cover it.

Yes, I think I got all the beeps in there.

Okay, perfect.

What's the code? Yeah, and yes, the three-digit code on the back.

Oh, 851. Expiration. Hold on.

Yeah, expiration.

It expires in August of 2026. August of 2026.

Yes, okay. Perfect. Yeah, okay, good. You got it. Yeah. Okay, perfect. That's enough. All right, well, here's your room key. Sorry, it's, you know, a little dusty.

It's attached to a human skull, which is just kind of like a fun, kitschy thing that we do here.

This isn't like a themed hotel where it's like, we didn't get like a riddle suite or something, did we?

Oh, it says here that I'm supposed to say? No. No, you didn't get a riddle suite. It's a normal hotel room. Thunder and lightning right on cue. All right. Well, have a wonderful stay and I hope you **** each other's ****.

Wow, now I got the beeps right. Okay. Yeah, let's go. Oh, here's our door. Huh. Uh, the skull doesn't seem to be fitting in the lock. Something is wrong here. Hmm.

Try again. Yeah, try it.

I'm really smashing in the skull. It doesn't seem to know.

I'm really worried about JBC, so the sooner we can get in there, the better.

My eyes are closed and my ears are plugged. I cannot know what's happening because I feel like I'm just gonna freak out.

Did we get the wrong skull? What's going on here? I gotta get this key out of the way. It's such a stupid keychain. Okay. Oh, maybe it's like an eye scan thing. Hold the skull up to this little hole in the middle of the door. And a big kick to the door. Oh, that did it. Eye scan worked. And we're in. We're in. Okay, we made it. We did it.

Okay.

Oh, shit. Fuck. It's a Riddle-themed suite. Fuck.

Oh god, okay, everybody calm down.

Okay, let's just leave and the door's closed. The door's closed and it's locked.

Did I say calm down?

I don't remember, I don't remember.

It's goddamn fucking locked we have to do riddles. Goddamn it!

Hey JPC buddy, look at me, look at me.

Breathe the squirrel in and breathe the squirrel out. Breathe the squirrel in and breathe the squirrel out. Push, push, push. Don't name the squirrel, don't get attached. Just breathe the squirrel in and breathe the squirrel out.

That squirrel's name was Mr. Peebo.

No, no, no, no, no.

And we're stuck in here, which means you're stuck in here with me, which means we have to do fucking riddles. God damn it. They're going to make the old me come back in a big way.

Oh, Erin, I forgot. I know how to get out of this. How? Even though we're on vacation, legally we still have a break. I got a break. Got a break. Got a break, yes. Yes, please, got a break. Erin, it's been great chatting with you. I just gotta say, you're really animated today.

Thank you, Adal!

It's a little much.

I... I... Um, I know what's happening. Oh. I mean, Erin, have you been watching Anna Mayhem on Hulu? Hulu Anna Mayhem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows.

Have I, zorp, falls through a trap door, lands right back in the same spot I was standing.

I guess she has. It's a little weird when Erin does it, but I love when Hulu does it. JPC, I don't know if you've been watching Bob's Burgers, which is incredible. Love Bob's Burgers. Futurama, which is a classic. Hitmonkey, The Monkey Assassin, played by Jason Sudeikis.

American Dad, I mean tons of animated shows are on Hulu, and it seems like Erin from, I mean, your eclectic bunch of animated features that you're kind of, you're kind of inhabiting all of them?

Arooga, my eyes pop out of my head. Whoa, I think you could be right.

Arooga, that doesn't make sense. Is that Brian? Is that Family Guy? What is she doing? Is that Brian? I don't know, but eyes popping out of your head isn't necessarily the freshest bit. But Erin, there are some of the freshest animated series on Hulu right now, like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis. Ooh. Sort of a fun Greek mythological world, and the guy from What We Do in the Shadows, Matthew Barry, plays in some- Oh, I love Matthew Barry. Oh, he's so good. He's so good.

Oh, I bonked my head and there's a bunch of birds flying around it. Whoa!

Well, I know Aaron probably isn't, but if you're looking for your favorite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. That's Hulu Animayhem, your animation destination, now streaming on Hulu.

Run through the wall. Perfect shape of me in the wall.

I'm actually really hurt. Is the bone sticking out?

Yeah, guys, help.

Let's watch some Hulu.

Oh, okay, guys. I'm sort of tired of this episode. I'm going to go sleep on my Helix mattress. It's the Midnight Luxe and it's calling my name. This was fun, though. All right, bye.

Erin, this is so embarrassing. You can go sleep on your Helix Sleep mattress if you want to right now, but we're actually not doing an episode today. This is a Helix Sleep intervention.

Huh?

Erin, your Helix Sleep is too comfortable, so JPC and I each got ourselves Helix Sleeps, and we just want to have an intervention to say, this is pretty great.

I know, right? Yeah, I guess intervention, is intervention the right word for it? Interjection? What's the one where you get all your friends and you eat popcorn and you tell a ghost story? We're going to have a sleepover.

Oh, great. Yes. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including their Worn Witting Luxe and Ultra Premium Elite Collection, the Helix Plus, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and the Helix Kids Mattress, designed for growing bodies and endorsed by children's sleep experts. So that's something we can talk about. Yeah.

And hey, everybody is unique. I have weird hips and everyone sleeps differently.

Thank you. We've been saying that.

JPC sleeps upside down. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences.

Okay, how about this classic sleepover game? Why don't we all take a quiz? Specifically, the Helix Sleep Quiz to find our perfect mattress in under two minutes, and your personless mattress is then shipped straight to your door free of charge. The shipping is free of charge. You actually have to pay for the mattress, but yeah, I just want to make clear that the mattress isn't free, the shipping is the free thing.

Yes.

Ooh, Erin, I spun the bottle. You have to kiss the Helix sleep.

Don't mind if I do. Plus, Helix mattresses all come with a 10 to 15 year warranty, depending on the model.

And don't just take our word for it. The word of three, I would say, adults at a sleepover, Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep.

Wow, Erin is really kissing that mattress. Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders.

Or right at me.

And two free pillows for our listeners. Go to HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. That's HelixSleep.com slash Riddle. This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

Oh man, our mattresses are now getting in on the kiss. We're just kind of like sitting on the floor and Erin's kind of having like a quadruple kiss moment with her and three mattresses.

This is going to be on the internet forever, you guys.

It's just like high school all over again. Fan art, please.

Oh, goodness.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Hey, everyone. Before you get upset, just know that Erin Keif has been cast as Destiny Tarot, the new American Girl doll. We're not sure what that means, if she'll be in the movies, if she'll be packaged up herself, but we're so happy for her and the next step in her career.

Yeah, it's very unclear. We all read the same email. It didn't really delineate between would this be something that is done on a, you know, a Hollywood set where there would be cameras or would this be done in a factory where they seal her into plastic and then use those little ties to hold her arms and neck to the box. We don't know. We all have the same information.

We all have the same information and we all have the same website that we built with Squarespace. We assume you can go to erinsdestiny.something.

We actually don't remember what the website is right now, but it's not important because we use Squarespace to build it, and it's the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether we're just starting out or managing a growing brand, which we assume this Erin American Girl doll thing is going to be a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all On our terms, and not entirely our terms because, again, we're kind of the American Doll Corporation. We're kind of at their mercy a little bit with what they choose to let us include.

Big doll. Swings a mighty big hammer. But with Squarespace, you can check out even video collections, which Erin has posted. You can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful I think there's some takes of Erin trying to get into character as Destiny Tarot. I think she's like a psychic American Girl doll, which is kind of fun. It's like an X-Men, maybe?

Yeah, and unclear how much character she needs or she just needs to be very still for a long period of time. But no matter what she does, Squarespace always has you covered with flexible payments. They make checkout seamless for your customers with a simple but powerful payment tools. You can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in eligible countries, offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay.

Also, you can check your analytics with Squarespace. Measure your end-to-end online performance with powerful website and seller analytics. Get insights on top traffic sources. Understand how your reach is growing. Track sales metrics. Use your psychic ability to garner information about Erin's new doll. and learn where to focus new engagement. You can do all that by going to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

And remember to check out erinisdestiny.american.girls slash website real and real is an all caps. I kid you not, you have to do it at allcaps.com.

Congratulations, Erin. We're so happy for you. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Yeah, I don't hate GPC.

Erin, what's wrong?

Hey Erin, you look glum as a plum.

What's going on? I know that, like, comparison is a thief of joy, and it's easy to envy other people's lives, but, like, I just found out I didn't make any of the Olympic teams, and I'm just really, really surprised, feeling really down, feeling really blue, and I just wish I could, like, talk to someone about it.

Oh, Erin, you should try BetterHelp. Have you tried that?

All right, BetterHelp. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Yeah, Erin, it's online therapy that is perfect for someone like you who didn't make any of the Olympic teams. And were you trying, Erin, to make some of the Olympic teams?

I like to think so.

Yeah. And Erin, I've actually benefited greatly from BetterHelp. I have this thing where I made six different categories for the Olympics, and it's just really stressful to be like, ah, I'm favored in all six categories. So I've had a really hard time. I've used BetterHelp. It's really helped me work through these issues and the stresses and the sort of pressure put on me by America.

Right, all you have to do is just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional costs. Like, after I did a cartwheel to impress a child and hurt everything, I thought, I'm gonna get the call, right? They're gonna call me. And they didn't. And I love online therapy. It helps so much. You don't have to wait in the car. So this is going to work out great.

Yeah, and Erin, I would say, look, stop comparing and start focusing, OK? With better help. You don't need to compare yourself to what Adal's doing with his six different categories that he's got a good shot of gold or silver, I mean, as a backup in most of the six.

Is it swimming? Is it diving? Shark kissing? Oh man, I wanted to start kidding. Little Debbie eating.

Erin, all you have to do is visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle. And Erin, you could take the gold medal in frowning any day.

Awww.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Okay, we are still inside the door here, but we hopefully calmed down JPC just a little bit.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Let's just do whatever riddles we have to do to get out of this fucking suite, and then we can kind of just continue on with the kitchen, okay?

Well, we're not supposed to be doing riddles because then I can't write this off as a tax write-off.

Okay. I mean, I'm all, how do we get the fuck out of here? Cause I just need to get the fuck out of this riddle suite.

Well, we could, here's, we could technically solve a couple of riddles, but that means over the next six years, we have to take two vacations.

Oh man. It's almost not worth it.

No, let's just, yeah, let's just, let's just, you know, maybe if we just stay calm and we just get through a few of these, we can still have fun. It might still feel like vacation. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Wait, what is this painting? Its eyes are moving. I can bring you to tears, speed you up, slow you down, and if I'm strong enough, even knock you over.

Oh my God. This is squirrel cocaine. If there's squirrel cocaine in this hotel room, I swear to God I'm going to do it. I mean, I have to do it.

I know, you'll have to find it. Okay, wait, can you read that again? Creepy painting.

I can bring you to tears, speed you up, slow you down, and if I'm strong enough, even knock you over.

An onion.

Why didn't you cut out the mouth in the painting?

Yeah, it's just the eyes that are cut out. But you've got your mouth up by the eye holes and you're just doing the mouth where the eye holes are.

It's pretty funny. Just the trope. It's pretty funny, to be honest.

Yeah. This... Wait, hold on. This is not a trope. The mouth and the eye holes thing is a trope?

Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo does mouth and the eye holes? I don't remember seeing a painting of Scooby-Doo with two mouths for eyes.

Yeah, why are there two mouths? You got someone in there with you?

Friend. A co-worker, but also my friend. Yeah, we hang out on the weekends, so I think we're friends. We're still friends, not just colleagues, friends. Yes, we- we swap- we swap wives.

Wait, wait, wait. We swap wives?

No, this is the kind of chaos that is not good for us right now. Just read us the fucking riddles and don't have a chaotic backstory. JPC, I'm trying to protect you.

Wait, yeah, yes. Oh no, we swap wives. We swap wives. Since when? I didn't know this. I haven't slept with your wife. You haven't? What were you doing with my wife last weekend? Talking about how great I think you are and how perfect you two are for each other. Oh my god, I was railing your wife.

We were just going hard on each other's bodies.

Okay, can you please read the riddle again? Is it onion? Is it love?

This is why you don't become friends with your co-workers. Because this kind of stuff always happens, Erin.

Is it love? I thought it was love, but it's love. No, the answer to the riddle. It's not love. It's just, it's purely physical. I can bring you to tears, speed you up, slow you down, and if I'm strong enough, even knock you over.

Is this the news of infidelity? Is the answer the news of infidelity? It is now.

Not cute. Wind.

It is the wind. That's right, it's the wind. Okay. We had a conversation about it.

Rips painting off the wall. Rips it into pieces.

Wow, that ripped up the people inside the painting. Holy shit, how did that work?

Erin, you are covered in blood and viscera. Yeah, coconut. Yeah, I think you ripped up two people.

Coconut. I'm on vacation. I'm on vacation. I'm okay. I'm okay. JPC's okay.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine now. Yeah, because the people are gone and the whole wife swap thing kind of threw me, but I did find a little bit of squirrel cocaine and I kind of like righted the ship a little bit.

Spit it out.

Put it in my hand.

Spit it in my hand. More.

Can I have a little back?

No. Why did a tooth come out? Why did a tooth come out when you did this?

Why did a tooth come out? It's a squirrel's tooth. It was in the cocaine.

Ah, so the tooth finally comes out.

Ah! A pun! A pun! Hey, hey, hey! I'm on vacation.

I can do puns again.

I'm on vacation. Don't name the squirrel. Don't get attached. Okay, we're okay.

Oh, and the wall's moving. Look, we can go further into our room.

Great. Maybe there's another twin bed.

Can I just say, of course we're on fucking vacation and the answer to the riddle is wind, right?

I mean, yeah. I mean, it's like, come on. How basic can you get?

Yeah. Insane.

But that's like, honestly, that's like one of these Arizona escape rooms where they're like, you know, it's like, oh, it's going to be really hard. And it's like wind, shadow, and echo. You know, it's like, okay, you're the same thing that everybody else has, you know?

Ah, I hear you crave difficulty.

Um, hello? Who is that?

Ooh, did somebody... Erin, was that you?

No, but this guy's got a weird voice. This is not promising, fellas.

Erin, let's not judge people like that.

Come on.

Weird voice. What the fuck? No, you can't do... I'm the nicest one here, right? Oh my god, am I not the nicest one here?

You know what? Just go ahead. I'm gonna push the button. No, give us the riddle! What button? What button? I have a button back here. I push if you get the riddle right, but honestly it's not worth it after being told I have a fucked up voice.

Oh yeah, I love apologizing to the men we love.

Erin, oh my god.

Do I have that thing where I repeat?

Un-fucking-believable.

You're going to get us in so much trouble. I'm trying my best.

You're trying your best?

I'm sorry about that rucked up voice. Erin, what are you doing? Erin, what's going on with you?

You're the sweetheart of the show.

You're the nice one. Come on. I don't know if I'm the nice one. I'm having an identity crisis over here. Well, I mean it's- Am I the problem?

No, Erin, you're not the problem.

Oh my God, it's me. Maybe I was the bad boy all along. Oh my God, it's me.

Are you singing Taylor Swift, though? I feel like a lot of that was Taylor Swift lyrics, right? Yeah, Erin, a lot of that was Taylor Swift lyrics. Erin can't even have an original idea. She's got to be Taylor Swift.

I have this dream that my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. What? She thinks I left them in the will. The family reads the will and someone screams out, he's laughing at us from hell.

Oh, isn't there something about, um... It's me. An ugly baby or something?

Hi. Sexy baby. I'm the problem.

Whoa, that can't be right!

It's me. It's me. It's me! Um... Did you read the riddle? I don't remember if you read it.

We're so sorry, Mr. Dracula. You please do read the riddle. We're sorry for our friend. She's finding out that she's the problem now that I am my best self being a best boy behavior.

Mr. Dracula, is that what you think I am?

I thought that's what you said.

I'm Dr. Dracula.

Of course you are. Wait a second, wait a second.

Eight years of med school down the drain.

Dr. Dracula, hold on. Zip! No, my penis!

This isn't your penis, this is Dr. Chameleon's penis! Dr. Chameleon! That's right, and it's not even a penis! It's a banana inside a cucumber!

Okay, I don't feel bad at all anymore. I'm not the problem!

It is a banana inside a cucumber. Holy shit. It would make more sense if it was a cucumber inside a banana, but no, it's like a cucumber skin over a banana with the peel?

What the hell? Wait, let me write that down just for... I love feedback. I crave it.

I would rather open a... I almost said peanut butter, but that's a banana. I'd rather open a banana.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Open a banana and have a cucumber inside rather than peel a cucumber and have there be banana inside. Why was I thinking about peanut butter?

Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna push the button. No, no, no, give us the riddle.

Read the riddle.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Oh my God, the episode's not even close to over. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Hold on, we can, let's... Okay, we'll bleep air and say it.

Oh my God.

Okay, hold on, we got it. Yeah, there we go. Penguins are not frightened of polar bears. Why?

Because they're in different parts of the zoo, Dr. Chameleon. Let us through.

Penguins live at the South Pole and polar bears at the North Pole. Yeah, you basically got it.

Yeah, but different parts of the zoo works too, right?

Also, a penguin would be scared of a polar bear if you put them in the same room, I think.

No, no, because penguins nowadays play baseball.

Okay, Dr. Chameleon, we don't need your help plugging the Patreon. Okay, we could do that on our own.

www.patreon.com backslash... Dr. Chameleon? Dr. Chameleon?

No. Dr. Chameleon does the www. Nobody fucking does that anymore.

Oh, let me write that down. I love feedback. Thank you for telling me. Do people still dab?

Now where did this go? Here? No. Here? No. And my mind went, do we start selling Pin the Penis of the Dr. Chameleon games on the website?

25% please! You could have just said, what if we hit rock bottom? That would have taken less time to say, JPC.

We're not cutting him in for merch sales, right?

No. No.

No.

No.

I think 25% was him saying how close he was getting to me that he was putting it in his mouth.

So that's halfway there. I guess so. Straight line.

Well look, it's the Bad News Gang here to read a riddle. What?

What's the big idea? Wow, wow, wow. It's the Bad News Gang. Sorry, we did that out of order. Let's take that again. You say wow again. Oh well, it's the Bad News Gang. What's the big idea?

Hey guys, I'm just really trying hard not to fall into kind of some of my old patterns, patterns I'm trying to get rid of, and I just don't, I just, can you, the Bad News Gang, please not be here right now?

But I love us! You love to play with us, come on!

No, I don't, I don't love to play with you guys, I just... Okay, you gotta go.

I see a squirrel coming out of your mouth.

It's not coming out, it's going in.

You should name it!

Mr. Peebo! Well, we got a riddle for ya. Hit it! My underside's smooth, but my back's full of grip. As part of a trick I'm known to flip. A man.

Is this a ping pong paddle? Is this a ping pong paddle?

No.

Could you read it again? My underside's smooth, but my back's full of grip.

You wanna read it, sister? No! You sure? Here, here's the card. Ah, my heart, it stopped.

Oh my god, one of the Bad News Gang died.

She died. I think that's canonically the second one of them that's died.

What do they have?

Stay alive. Stay alive.

Stay alive.

Alright, kicks the Bad News Gang body to the trash. Okay, go ahead and give us the riddle again, Bad News Gang surviving member.

Hey, the sooner I say the riddle, the sooner I can try and revive my sister with CPR.

Been too long.

Oh wait, I know CPR! Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine.

No, bad news gag. That's blood, sweat, and tears.

Oh. What are they now, CPR?

Who knows.

Credence, Peer Water Revival.

No, no, no.

My inner side is smooth, but my back full of grip. As part of a trick I'm known to flip.

I understand it's smooth in my back. Oh, is this like a water bottle? Doing the water bottle flip trick where you flip the water bottle?

No. I feel like this guy with the squirrel mouth would probably know this best.

That's me. I was talking.

Oh. Sorry, you look like the other guy.

I look like me? What does that mean?

Oh, you're next to a mirror. Why would he know best? Eh, because the answer to this is something it looks like this guy with the backwards hat and the tank top might use.

Holy shit. I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I'm dressed with like a little schoolboy outfit, but that's the old me. The old me is in the mirror. Whoa. Oh my god.

Ah, just like Michael Jackson sang about. I kind of miss the old you.

Not just like Michael Jackson. Let's back off of that a little bit.

Tee hee hee.

No, no, not even very similar.

I'm laughing. I'm just laughing.

No, it's not even similar. Tee hee hee. It's actually so much different.

Lake Tahoe. A comb. Do you think the cool guy would use a comb? No, I don't know.

Cool guys in the movies do. Travolta did.

Yeah, I'm thinking of Travolta. What is it? Listen to these words. Trick. Flip. Skateboard. It's a fucking skateboard.

The mirror just kicked a skateboard out into my world.

No, no, don't. Don't fall for it. Now please save my skateboard.

No, no, don't eat the skateboard!

Spit it out, spit it out, spit it out.

Too late. Too late. I ate the whole skateboard. Oh, I'm feeling my JPC powers come back to me.

No, no, no. Slap, slap. Stay with us. You're right.

That's the JPC powers. I'm digesting a skateboard.

Yeah, you're digesting a skateboard. It feels very similar to being JPC. The feeling of digesting a skateboard feels a lot like just being JPC, but you got to stay with me, bud. Look at me.

It's the closest you can get without going over.

Colleague, look at me. Look at me, colleague. No.

No, Erin.

Don't game the skateboard. Don't get attached.

I'm not your colleague.

I am your friend.

No, no! Slap, slap.

Oh God, I love it! Slap me more! No! Oh, he's JPC again! Don't play into his kink. Oh my God. Oh, it feels so good to be JPC again. Oh, it feels so good to be JPC again. Erin, Adal, take my hands! Take my hands! Ew, no. Ew, no.

Now squeeze the shit out of him.

No, no.

Come on. Punish me.

This was supposed to be vacation and we failed you and now you're going to be banished to the moon or whatever.

Yeah, I'll step on your nuts, but I'm not going to take your hand.

Thank you. Seattle's willing to help. He's willing to meet me halfway without going over.

Price is Right rules.

I've done enough today. Did you break it? What do you mean? Erin, what do you mean? Look where we are, okay? We're doing Riddles. We're all together. The three best friends again. The old me's back.

I flew across the sky, and I've been paying for everything, and I hurt my legs, and I tried my best to keep everything in order, and I tried to be a vacation poem, but then all these characters from the show's past showed up and started reading Riddles. It's just a mess.

Erin, where have you been the last six years? This is par for the course!

This is six years? We've been here for six years?

Shhh, Erin, Erin, Erin. Oh my god. Look, I know. I know it can get hard. I know it can be challenging. I know it can be a real trial. But there's something that I do when I'm feeling blue. When I have a day that feels like crap. Erin, don't you know there's one place you can go? And that's to do a little of Daddy's Rap!

Rap for Daddy, Erin. Rap for Daddy, Karen. Rap for Daddy, hey, Erin, what do you know? Rap for Daddy, now you go! Your word is vacation!

I've been doing this show for over six years and that doesn't even count the tears. I've been crying basically the whole time because I don't even know how to rhyme. This place sucks a lot, but it's all we got. GPC, why do you guys make these faces? Why does it look like you're about to throw up every time I do this? Okay, next time I rap for Daddy, I need you to turn off your videos immediately and then I'll be able to do it.

Alright, your word. Casey, go ahead and restart the clock. The word is sandcastle.

You said next time I rap?

I can still see Adal's face. I can't get to my camera. He turned it back on. I have to wait for it to come back around. Sandcastle?

Sandcastle, yeah. Okay. Okay.

Whatever you're ready. My co-hosts are having me rap about sandcastles. What a hassle. Do I even want to be on this show? Do I have to be here? I could be doing something else. I almost went back to school during the pandemic. I thought about going into something... I was like, maybe I'll go into, like, hospitality. I think I'd be pretty good at that. My dream is to own, like, a wedding venue. I think I'd be good at that. Or, like, work for... have a bed and breakfast. I don't know if this is what I want. I really have fallen out of love with comedy lately.

It's a little bed and breakfast. It's Maine. Erin, you own and operate your little Maine seaside bed and breakfast.

Just like the Bob Newhart show.

Adal and I are some of your first clients that we're checking in. Hi, we have a reservation for Coan for two for the weekend.

Hi, welcome. Amazing. Great, we have you right here. Thank you so much.

I guess it is amazing. We've never been to Maine before.

Oh, you'll love it. And you picked the truly the perfect time of year to come. All the leaves are about to change, so. Oh my god.

And I heard it's also wrap season?

Casey hit it? Your word is Maine. Am I in a scene right now? You're in a rap and your word is Maine.

Turn off your cameras! Turn off your cameras! I got it. Ready? If you want to see my eyes start to rain, tell me that I gotta rap about Maine. It's a state that I don't really hate. You know what? It's so interesting because I felt like pressure to keep doing comedy during the pandemic. And I was like, I feel like it's going well, so I feel like I can't pivot my life to something else. But I really have this like calling. I want like sort of a life where I have like tasks to do every day that are like physical tasks. And I just being in comedy, just a lot of pressure because you also have to count on your life to being... Ma'am? Oh, yes.

Ma'am? Excuse me.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Can I help you?

Excuse me. You're asking about a plane ticket and trying to transfer it.

Oh, yes.

And then your eyes went pure white.

Okay, yeah, that'll happen sometimes. I'm trying to switch over a plane ticket to go from Chicago to- Slow down, slow down.

Okay.

So it was Chicago to Sedona and I need an LA to Sedona.

LA to Sedona. Okay. And are you part of our frequent flyer mile?

I am not.

Let me finish. I'm sorry. Sorry. You know what? Wrap. Airplanes.

Hey Riddle Riddle And I learned a lot and I had the best time. But now that I'm like out in LA, I'm like, all these people are so ambitious and they really want this thing. And I really just want my life to like feel simple and be simple. And with the stressors of natural life, it's just hard to be a comedian.

Yes, now that you have gazed into the crystal ball. Have you seen your future? What is yet to come?

Whoa, sorry, did my eyes go white?

No.

For a second? Oh, sorry. Were they supposed to? Sorry, where, where, uh, yes, I'm talking to a fortune teller. I saw my future.

Sorry, I saw a chinchilla eating a meatball sub.

Where?

I was looking at, I think, the same crystal ball. In the crystal ball? No. So this is crazy. I'm watching a video on my phone.

Sorry, I double booked the slot. Okay, so you just Googled that.

I didn't google it. I googled meatball sub lil guy and it turns out it was a chinchilla eating a meatball sub. Is that normal? Do you want to rap about that? I guess I could. T'Challa eating a meatball sub. I'm addicted to Pornhub. I like all the filths on there. Plus I like the stepmom's hair. Let's go a little list of all the stuff that gets my grist full of all my meaty balls. Pornhub.com slash meatballs. Check it out. So does that, do I have to pay for this session or is this, is she paying for the session? Because this is her session.

Do you have a purse?

Do I have a purse?

I'm not paying for this. That's a bridge too far for me.

I think we can agree anyone listening to this is paying for this.

Would it be easier to just use a credit card number from earlier in the episode if one was read out? Yeah, that's true. 4028-4631-9652-1354. Yes. Yes. Perfect. Got it?

Yeah. What did you say to me? Oh.

Oh.

After the numbers. What was that? I'm sorry. Me? Do you think all of our listeners looked at their watch and went, all right, it was six years in. That was my limit. I think we've reached it today. I think people went, you know what, they kept me pretty good company during the pandemic and I gave them a little extra time, but I think the ship has sailed.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. You want to rap about it?

Cameras! Let me tell you about the number six and then I'm gonna do a fix. We should have ended after four episodes of this show. What? Why are you shaking your head no? Why are you shaking your head no? Come on.

Erin.

I want to go back to school and I want to do something else.

Erin. If we never do the podcast.

What?

Then we never do the podcast. Does that make sense?

Yeah, Erin. And isn't the podcast, Erin, also kind of like the ultimate in hospitality experiences?

Yeah. I have a, I wasn't going to do this because we're on vacation, but I have a letter from a young fan I wanted to read on the air here.

Okay. That would maybe be helpful because so far this doesn't seem very welcoming or cozy or comforting in any way. Dear Erin Keif. Oh, wow. Okay. It's for me.

The woman with the biggest heart in the world.

Oh my goodness.

My name is Tommy Tominson and I was very sick until I listened to the episode with all the pig orgasm sounds. And it fixed me. It healed me, Erin. I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy and I hope Claire DeLune is playing. While all the pigs, all the pigs in the world come, and come and come and come and come, the doctors say, I'm going to live forever. They said, Erin, I'm going to live forever.

Me, Tommy Tomlinson, the little sick boy, is going to live for eternity. Best colleges for hospitality management. Cornell University, Michigan State, Fordham has a good program. Oh, BU, I could move home. Can you hear them? Erin, can you hear the pigs? NYU, a little expensive. Penn State.

So much pleasure.

So much joy. What about online degrees?

Your podcast has changed my life. And I just wanted to thank you.

Sincerely, your biggest fan. I could get a certificate from Cornell University. I don't know if I want to do that.

Your biggest fan, come to think of it, it was you.

Erin, that didn't move you? That letter from Tommy Tomlinson didn't move you?

Erin, that real letter from a real fan, Tommy Tomlinson, the sick little boy?

Washington State University.

He was voted sickest boy in St. Louis 2024?

Moved to Washington.

And I hear this year he's in the running for most improved boy. Which kind of sucks to hear because honestly I was doing pretty well with most of the people. I was kind of on my best behavior for most of the episodes.

Erin! Hmm. My new life. So peaceful.

GPC, what happened? Get the smelling salts! Get the smelling salts! Crack them open in front of her nose. Erin, Erin, Erin!

Why did you crack a squirrel open in front of my nose?

Oh, it's named with smelling salts.

Don't name the squirrel! Don't get attached!

I can name the squirrel without getting attached.

Or Jupiter. No. No plugs. No plugs. Look at the mess you made this episode. Plugs are for good boys.

Erin, do you realize it was very funny when you and Adal turned your camera off for JPC to rap? Do you realize your camera is still off?

Oh, I did not.

It enhanced your distancing from the rest of the- It worked very well. It worked very well.

Guys, when in doubt for a monumental episode, just put Erin through a fucking gauntlet.

Yeah, have Erin rap at the end.

None of those were good. I didn't do a good job with any of them.

No, Erin, you did six and certainly one of them was okay. Hey there Vampires and Dragons. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We do some scenes based on your requests from the Discord. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a HeadGum podcast.