Which Riddle Riddle?

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Hey JPC. Hey JPC.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

This is a library, man, so we're— Oh, that's why I'm with—that's why I'm, um, Soda Voce.

Yeah, that's why I'm not Soda Mayor or whatever you said. I did say Soda Mayor. Um, I think Erin's— Well, why not? You don't think you should say the name of the first woman Supreme Court Justice? No, I think we should, but I don't think I should claim to be her. That feels counter- She was probably the third.

Listen, Erin's really nervous about our guest today. Oh yeah. She's kind of folded herself onto one of the racks and she's pretending to be a book. And when you walk by her, she says, I'm a book, I'm a book. So I don't know if she's going to be on the episode today.

Are my ears burning? I'm a book.

Books don't have ears, Erin. Try, like, cover. My cover is burning, or... No, I don't say cover is burning. That sounds like you have, like, a STI or something like that, you know?

Well, don't I? Okay. You know what, guys? I'm actually a little too nervous. I'm going to sit this episode out. No, Erin, no.

Erin, no. The guest is so nice today. Like, couldn't be nicer. It's going to be such a warm, cozy blanket for us and for you and for the show.

Erin, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. She's here? I hope so. She came. She finally came.

She knows who I am. Wow, nobody said that.

Oh.

Well, um, okay, well then maybe I can dust myself off.

Erin, um. Jump off the shelf. Oh, god. Geez, cool.

I was on the shelf for like 20 years. No one wanted to read me.

Your jacket is so dusty. Erin, our guest today is one of the funniest people to ever come through the Chicago improv scene.

She's making a face.

A wild thing to say to somebody to put them on the spot.

She's a writer for Harley Quinn, the animated show, which is so fricking hilarious, and the upcoming spinoff Kite Man, hell yeah, It's Katie Rich!

Hello, Katie. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Hey, Katie. Hey, I'm sorry I'm not Sonia Sotomayor, but I do have diabetes, so it's kind of like I am.

That was a very good apology, Katie. Was that good?

That was fantastic. Okay, what if I say I actually don't have diabetes, but I do have pre-diabetes, so that's probably, you know, I'm well on my way.

I wanted to say pre-diabetes can still get you pregnant, but I don't necessarily know if that's true.

I can, but the baby is not quite right.

The baby has pre-pre-diabetes. It's like a frosted little cookie. Katie, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you so much for having me. All jokes aside about me being nervous for this, I am so nervous for this because I think I mentioned this when Holly was on the show. So when I moved to Chicago, you and Holly came back and you did a two-person improv show, and it ignited an obsession in me. And when I made a Herald team and we had to go around and say our favorite improvisers, I said you and Holly, and I've seen you several times since. I've seen you open for Cook County. I loved all the stuff you guys did for Second City. So this is a very, very big deal to me. My brain is kind of exploding.

So a couple things, Erin, that is honestly the nicest thing ever, and I am going to put that in my breast pocket, because every day I Google if I'm too old to take the LSAT, and the response is usually like, you're on the line there. You got 20 more minutes. I know, like, seriously, bitch, get going.

If you hurry, yeah, if you hurry.

You're about to have diabetes. But thank you, that means the world, and yeah, I'm That's the greatest thing someone can tell you is that you inspired them to bring more joy into the world.

Yeah, I'm the house that you and Holly built.

And so the comedy I do is your fault.

Wow. Quite the carcass to lay at somebody's feet as a cat, I guess.

Well, that's a gift and I thank you. I should just say thank you and accept it and move on and not try to talk about how I'm actually bad at things. Oh, we lost the JPC. That's okay. He's already like, she's the worst. I'm leaving.

He got really upset because it's not about him.

He thought he was my favorite improviser. He's sobbing behind that black curtain.

It's a real white guy thing to do.

Now, Katie, we do have to ask all of our guests, legally.

Yes, I know.

What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, even something like crosswords or escape rooms? What are your feelings? How many have you done?

Okay, love a crossword. Big fan. Still do them every day. My father saves them from the Tribune and I do them analog. I think a crossword on your computer is like watching fireworks on television. It's just, it's not the same.

Wow.

I like that analogy. Thank you so much. And JPC, sorry I offended you. I know you're sensitive.

Whatever you did to make my dog so fucking pissed off, I don't... Get it? I don't like it.

Can I tell you what I did? Can I tell you what I genuinely did? I had this high a voice. My physical therapist has a dog who is 20 and has never heard, and when I come in, the dog looks up like, I hear something, and that's not a joke. So I am a dog whistle, but not in the way that you think it is.

Yeah, JPC texted me, man, our guest is really shrill today, and I said, no, JPC, not the term.

Well, I say that for every woman who comes on the show.

Thank you! No, you're doing better.

Yeah, I'm doing better. I have good news for you, Katie. What is it? Because I did Google it when you said it, and it looks like 1 in 5 law school students are 30 or older.

Wow, so I'm 1 in 5, that's not great.

You can be part of the 20%? No, that's not great! 1 in 5! And listen to this, there's a, I don't know, according to this website, Alice Thomas graduated from the University of Pacific McGeorge School of Law at 79 years old. So age is just a number when it comes to law school. Why did she do that though?

Also, there's too many names in your school.

Yeah, I've never heard of that one either.

That's not real. That sounds like maybe... That bitch had dementia and they told her that you got a law degree from something. Honey, you got a law degree.

I did? Yeah, you got one. From where? Um, the longest name a university has ever had.

Oh, I'm so happy. My husband would be so proud if we didn't die in the Iraq War.

Yeah. Old husband. Yeah, makes sense.

So yeah, so that's that. Wait, I do, I love a crossword. I'll do a wordle, you know, I'll do a situation like that. I have to tell you when it comes to riddles, I Poor to middling. I'm not great at them. I'm not the most logical of people, I'll be honest.

Yeah, you're going to fit in perfectly here.

I feel like it. But I'm very nervous because I feel... I was talking to your sister, who I love, and... My sister?

You found her? No.

Your sister still wants nothing to do with you. Adal's sister. And she was like, I was like, I'm very nervous to be on this show because I'm kind of stupid. And she was like, don't worry. Drew Tarver was just on the show and he said he was stupid. And I was like, if Drew Tarver thinks he's stupid, then I'm in great company.

Yeah, people will come on and they'll be worried. They'll be like, oh, this is I'm gonna feel put on the spot and I'm not gonna know the answer to these and then we are so much dumber. I can speak for us guys, right? I'm not insulting you. We are so much dumber than every guest we've ever had on the show. So you'll immediately feel okay.

Challenge accepted.

The only person who stepped to the plate and knocked it out of the park was Mark McConville, who's like, I've never done a single Riddle in my life or escape room or anything. And then he got everyone within seconds. So we're all striving to top that.

He is not invited back. I've never done an escape room. That sounds like awful to me.

Oh, doing an escape room sounds awful to me. I thought you were commenting on the thing that you had just said and you were like, I've never done an escape room. And you're like, I need to back off of that because that sounds awful. Like I'm like an escape room elitist. But the situation of going into an escape room sounds like anathema to you. And again, I don't want to make you feel unwelcome. I just learned about the word anathema.

I think anathema is my health care plan.

It's that Steve Coogan movie where he's a puppet, right? Yeah, it's actually the song that Frances Scott Key wrote.

Hey Erin, you got one? Let's see.

It's like... And we see time slow down as Erin goes to her mind palace. Anathema. Anathema.

Anathema. Can you use it in a sentence, please?

Yes, get out the language of origin. Erin, what do you think anathema is? I'm sorry to say, Mr. Davenport, that young Terry has anathema.

Oh no, he's coughing up blood?

We're gonna have to put leeches on his balls and a little hammer on his neck.

Just let him die. I have 14 other kids.

A hammer?

A little hammer. A little hammer. Well, let's get into some... Katie, if you approve, we will get into some warm-up riddles. I don't dare say that these are easy. These are just some shorter riddles to get everyone acclimated.

Before we do that, can you do me a favor that you can happily edit this out?

Anything.

What do you define as a riddle?

A riddle is something that when said makes you curious and then when answered makes you furious.

Did you just make that up?

I did.

That was pretty fucking great. I feel like we should, that's it. That's the episode. What are you going to do that's better than that?

I agree.

Let's do lunch.

I feel like I shouldn't be impressed by that because we've done like 300 of these episodes, but I really am.

I know, me too.

Is this the last episode?

Katie, I think you're on our last episode. We solved it.

That was wonderful, especially in the stabbing cabin that you're recording from.

This is where I take all of my mistresses, my stabbing cabin. All right, let's get into a riddle. So there's riddles which are going to be like, something, something, the doctor was the mother. I guess that's more lateral thinking.

Sometimes it's just puns. They're all over the map. Okay, all right, I like this.

All right, so let's get into one. Katie, we can check in and see how you're doing.

Okay.

Here's the first one. I have horses, a cat, and even a trunk. What am I? I have horses, a cat, and even a trunk.

A zoo.

Now, Katie, that is a logical response.

Logical.

And a very good guess, but riddles are Silly little demons, so that is incorrect for this specific group.

I'm going to say something dumb.

Okay. Yes.

A car.

Erin, it's a car. It's a car.

It is?

Yes. Yes, the horses are horsepower, the cat is a catalytic converter, and a trunk is for your luggage.

Now here's where I got issues with that, man, because you're using slang.

Wait, wait, wait.

The cat. Who the fuck says that?

Welcome back to

Why? Do you feel like you're judged?

I was waiting to be picked up the other week from Disney, and we were waiting to be picked up by her dad who was in town, and there was a young man who was dropping his parents off at the airport, and they each did three hugs. And I was like, I gotta be honest with you, if you love hugging this much as a family, you gotta do some hugging at home. Do a pre-dinner hug. Spread your hugging out. Don't put it all at the airport. Three hugs is too much.

Well, they passed away that night.

Wow, Tracy, how do you feel now?

Now don't you feel bad?

I still feel like you're gonna get up to heaven, St. Peter's gonna get out his clipboard, and he's gonna be like, okay, okay.

I do love that the first Riddle made you curious, and then furious, right on cue.

That's great. You could just go in and pitch that something. I don't know. That's something.

Write that down.

That's something.

I have a meeting with YouTube Red in a week. We'll see how that goes. I think they're still around. Probably not. Sure, why not? I do want to see a scene. JPC and Katie, you are a couple looking to buy a car. Erin, you are a car salesperson and you're kind of panicking because you don't know what you're supposed to be, you're not knowledgeable enough about the lot and you're kind of using slangs or terms that maybe aren't common knowledge.

Okay, I need I need your help here, honestly, because yeah, I mean, like, I know that these guys are slick. I know that they I know that they're gonna sell me, you know, and I will just say yes to anything. So you really have to like, rein me in because I'm just so scared that they're gonna take me for everything here.

No, honey, look at let's go up to look at how sweet she is. Let's go up to her. Oh, she's nothing slick about her. She works.

She just looks like so. Yeah, no.

Come on. Hello. Hi everyone!

That's

Oh, SUV, like a larger vehicle.

More seats. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you two college professors? You know all sorts of crazy words. This is wild.

Okay, well, he actually is. I am a college professor.

Yeah. I teach philosophy. Yeah, the philosophy of funk music, I should say.

Yeah, it's garbage. Nothing. Walk with me over here.

Okay, I like her.

Okay, life's work.

This is a boat, or a hat, or a house, or a... This is a car, I think.

Going through the top.

This is your desk.

I think this is a desk. Well, why is there a wheel on it? Well, that's a computer.

Oh, so I do have one. I screamed at my grandsons the other week for not giving me a computer.

Oh, uh... Well, you know, we were actually interested in The Highlander. We saw The Highlander out on the floor. I'm not sure if that's... Is that a movie?

Well, there can be only one!

Yes, The Highlander was a movie, yes.

So you get that Highlander is a movie, but you didn't realize what you were consuming. You contain multitudes, ma'am.

You two are still here? I thought you left like a year ago. What the heck? So tell me how to download Minecraft on this wheel.

Um, okay. Actually, it's pretty easy. You go to minecraft.org and... My wife is a computer programmer, so this is kind of her bread and butter. That's bullshit nonsense. Well, I mostly program funk music on computers. There are three jobs.

Lawyer, doctor, and teacher. How did you meet?

So, my computer crashed. Online.

YouTube comments. We met the YouTube comments. I love that if we zoomed into Erin's character's brain, it's just two mice fencing.

Which is so cute.

So cute. Adorable.

Give us another riddle. We'll definitely get this one.

If I don't get a riddle today, it's going to be a bad day.

Katie, I've never said this before to a guest. We're going to keep this episode going until you get a riddle.

Honestly, yeah. Strap in, audience. Strap in, audience! I don't know.

Okay, here's one. What goes from Z to A? And Katie, I'll give you a hint. Your guess for the last question has something to do with the answer.

That was a hundred years ago.

What goes from Z to A? Pizza. Now Katie, you said zoo last time. Yeah. This is correlated to a zoo. What goes from Z to A?

Zebra!

It's a zebra!

We can end the episode everybody, we're going home. See ya later! Now that's sweet! Because pizza doesn't start with a Z. What? What have I been eating? Oh no, you've been eating that pudding that's been out for too long.

I have many sisters, yet I am an only child.

Can you explain this?

Katie, boy shit, two for two.

Well, here's what they say in the intro, which I think is very funny.

Wait, am I allowed to answer? I'm being a hog. No, not at all.

I'm being an answer hog, and I'm sorry about that. No, you gotta answer when you know it, and you knew it.

Is that okay? Katie, when you're presented with slop, you have to be a hog. That's what he said. Because riddles are junk.

Tapping the answer hog welcome sign. We love an answer hog.

And Katie, I think that's a new term for our listeners is answer hogs. Answer hogs?

Oh, I love that.

To all you answer hogs out there, oink oink, hope you got it right.

Here's what I'll say. Whenever people want to be like, I can't believe they missed this, or I have the correction for this, you have to first call yourself an answer hog. You have to say, I'm an answer hog, and I can't believe they didn't get this riddle that I got. You can do that as much as you want, as long as you cop to the fact that you're an answer hog.

And you cop to the fact that you're at home and there's no pressure.

So this is my room!

Oh, very, very loud. Climps the kiss. That's uh, that's pornography rips down poster.

Oh, okay. I just thought, you know, it might be nice to have a little bit of a brightness in here as well. Yes.

Well, we prefer, Sister Teresa and I, we prefer dour as our sort of aesthetic.

Where are you from, dear? Nashville.

Oh, yes. Sister Euclid and I couldn't help but notice the habit that you're wearing looks a little different from the habits that we're wearing. They're supposed to be, how to put this in delicately, frumpy.

Yes, but mine is actually Spanx. So it makes your head a little bit, it really accentuates the natural curves.

Yes, very shapely. Is it a boot cut habit?

Yes, that's back. Skinny habits are kind of out. You know, you don't want to get branded as a millennial nun.

Speaking of skinny habits, by the mirror on your table here, it seems like you have a cocaine habit as well.

I call it a habit so much as a lifestyle.

Yes, well, you know, here at the convent... Go ahead and finish, yeah. We prefer downers, so it's important that you, once you're done with the cocaine that you brought, that you transition to the monk wine that the monks make, because... I'm just saying, if you want to see God, you gotta shove this up your nose.

No, no, no. No, we should not. We haven't done that since. Well, Sister Teresa, what do we call rumspringa for nuns? What's that called again? Nunspringa?

Nunspringa. We both got there. Nonsense nunspringa.

Wait, nunspringa. Why are we not writing that musical? Yeah.

It's like Sister Act meets Jumbo Wumba.

I guess I always have kind of been fascinated by like the musicals that like open up and everyone's like, that's a terrible idea for a musical. And then it like stays open for like 36 hours. It closes.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say the ones where you're like, this is a terrible idea. And then it runs for 20 years, like menopause the musical. Like, why didn't I write that? Defending the caveman. Cats. Cats.

Hey Riddle Riddle

I hate musicals.

I hate musicals.

Katie, no! I know, and that makes people sad. And I lived in New York for many years, full brag. Oh, I miss it! The culture! And I only saw two musicals the entire time I was there. What were they?

We gotta hear what they are.

Hamilton and... I saw three Broadway shows. Two were musicals. We've got

I will say, I agree with you, but also because Trump doesn't drink, so I would love to see Trump drink a beer. I think that would be an excellent thing. He would also hate it. He would be so catty about it. I'd love to see him drink a Miller Lite and just be like, like hating the entire thing. Katie, can we get what years you lived in New York so that might help? Oh, okay.

Wow. You're a real music head.

No, no, I don't know any musicals. 2013 to 2019. What if I was like, 1975 to... Alright, 2013 to 2019. Okay, so let's see. Musicals from that era. I don't know any musicals, so I will say Robert and Hammerstein, and I will say... Robert and Hammerstein? Robert and Hammerstein? Not real. And I will say The Prince Musical. Those are the two that I will say.

Oh, I wish I saw The Prince Musical. The Prince Musical is... You're not in the wrong direction. Okay, so it's a jukebox musical. Yes, which I learned the genre at the musical.

Okay, I only know one of those.

No.

Okay.

Mamma Mia.

No.

Damn it.

Motown. No.

Can we get a hint? Did Springsteen have a musical? He had a solo show that was like a classic, yeah.

Not even for New Jersey's own? Was this Rumsfeld the musical?

Yes. No, it was Escape to Margaritaville, the Jimmy Buffett musical that I saw in Chicago and on Broadway.

That's why you hate musicals.

No, and then the second one I saw was Spongebob the musical, and I loved it.

I heard that one was good. Loved it. So wait, you hated one and you loved the other, but you hate musicals?

No, I loved the Jimmy Buffett musical.

Wait a minute.

Katie, you've seen three musicals.

Why would she go see Jimmy Buffett twice if she didn't like the music of Jimmy Buffett?

Because those aren't musicals. To me, I don't like it when you and I are talking and then someone's like, here's what I feel. And if I have to be honest, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that in high school I couldn't sing. And so when it came time for the spring musical, I was always fuckin' yenta, or you know what I mean, like I was the one that didn't sing.

Yenta?

Every year I was yenta, we never did Fiddler on the Roof.

Could I be, could I be, uh... And Erin, how does it make you feel that your precious hero, your precious god, worships at the altar of JPC? How does it make you feel to have another musical hater on the podcast?

I guess I do have to rethink everything. I think I sort of have to recalibrate the last take.

No, you don't.

No, no, no.

I know that I'm wrong. I wish I could enjoy them.

All of my favorite people were people who couldn't sing in high school and had to have parts written for them. One of my best friends, Elizabeth, when she was in high school, they did Seusical, and they cast her as Thing One, which is not a part in the musical, and she just moved the set funny in between scenes. Yeah, great. And she's hilarious.

And Thing 2 got a solo, correct? Thing 2 was a huge part of that musical. So she was Kurt Russell from The Thing. Honestly, you said Kurt Russell, and when Katie said Escape, I was like, did she say Escape from L.A.?

That'd be dope.

Well, let's take a break to write Escape from... Basketball!

I'm playing one-on-one basketball, Snake Plissken style!

Never mind, we don't need a break. We wrote it. But let's take a break to, I don't know, get an actuary or notary or whoever to, a lawyer to say, hey, don't copyright. That's what I'm thinking. You have a copyright person. And we'll be right back with more Riddles with Katie Rich. Okay, JPC, I'm ready. I bought a rocket. I'm going into space to try and talk to the space angels to release Erin back to us. And I've learned as many languages as I can through Babel, just in case, you know, the angels speak a different language.

Yeah, and we don't know what space angel, like, you know how like in Star Wars it's just called basic? That's like, it's like, you know, it's English, basically. That's what we hear. I don't know what the Space Angel basic is, right? So it's like, you've got to be prepared with Babbel to learn as many- because, of course, Babbel doesn't offer Space Angel, no one's ever learned it, no one's ever spoke- yet! They just found that Rosetta Stone. They just uncovered part of it. I think we're getting close, but... The best way to learn a language?

Immersion, which is why I'm going to space. Living where a language is spoken and using it every day. But if that's not in the cards this year, you can still learn a language the second best way, and that's with Babbel.

Yeah, you gotta be a better you in 2024. The science-backed language learning app Babbel actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. Babbel's quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking the language in as little as three weeks. And Babbel's designed by real people for real conversations. And that will definitely come in handy when you get in your real rocket, go up to real space, and talk to those real space angels who are holding Erin I love Babbel because their courses are so convenient and they actually help you with real life conversation skills. I have used Babbel and I've used it many times while traveling to communicate to people. Even if I'm not fluent in any language, it does actually just feel way nicer to be able to like say and understand basic phrases in a foreign language so that people don't think that you're just like a I don't know, a person who gave no effort before exploring their country.

Locals appreciate it. Yes. Hey Space Angels, como te llamas? Babbel has over 16 million subscriptions sold, plus all of Babbel's 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee. And here's a special, limited-time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. Shh, don't tell anyone. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

I would love to tell someone about my problems and my feelings. Ooh, how about we crack open a big can of BetterHelp. Oh, okay, so BetterHelp. So, if you're thinking of starting therapy, why don't you give BetterHelp a try? It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you gotta do is fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. And if you've never done online therapy, it works for old JPC. I like it because there's no waiting rooms. My therapist is pretty cool. They're pretty flexible with the schedule. I don't know about you guys, but some people have babies at home, and sometimes the whole online therapy thing can be hard to schedule, but that's why I love using BetterHelp.

Also, we should say, Erin floated away to the moon.

Oh, yeah. That's one of the things that I was going to bring up with my BetterHelp therapist about how Erin floated away to the moon, but I don't want to make all of our conversations about Erin floating away to the moon.

Yeah.

Yeah. Like two weeks ago, my BetterHelp therapist goes, Erin's real? And I was like, oh boy, I gotta, I gotta restart. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, stop comparing and start focusing with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Riddle.

JPC, does that mean she's a space angel now?

Oh, buddy. Yeah, it does. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Hey everyone, before you get upset, just know that Erin Keif has been cast as Destiny Tarot, the new American Girl doll. We're not sure what that means, if she'll be in the movies, if she'll be packaged up herself, but we're so happy for her and the next step in her career.

Yeah, it's very unclear. We all read the same email. It didn't really delineate between would this be something that is done on a, you know, a Hollywood set where there would be cameras or would this be done in a factory where they seal her into plastic and then use those little ties to hold her arms and neck to the box. We don't know. We all have the same information.

We all have the same information and we all have the same website that we built with Squarespace. We assume you can go to erinsdestiny.something.

We actually don't remember what the website is right now, but it's not important because we use Squarespace to build it, and it's the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether we're just starting out or managing a growing brand, which we assume this Erin American Girl doll thing is going to be a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all With Squarespace, you can check out even video collections, which Erin has posted. You can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful

I think there's some takes of Erin trying to get into character as Destiny Tarot. I think she's like a psychic American Girl doll, which is kind of fun. It's like an X-Men, maybe?

Yeah, and unclear how much character she needs or if she just needs to be very still for a long period of time. But no matter what she does, Squarespace always has you covered with flexible payments. They make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools. You can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in eligible countries, offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay.

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Congratulations, Erin. We're so happy for you.

Hey Adal, GBC. Great party. Love the vibe. Love the decoration. So cool. I'm going to head out. I'm going to go home. So nice seeing you. But great, great party.

Wait, are you going home to your Helix Sleep mattress? Yes. I knew it. Because the party started six minutes ago, Erin.

Yeah, I just, I'm so tired. And doesn't that sound so good? I have a midnight lux, and it's perfectly suited to my sleep needs. Why would I stay here another minute?

Well, this is your birthday party that you begged us to throw for you. But I guess if you want to leave after six minutes to go sleep on your Helix sleep mattress, it does make sense. I mean, they do personalize your mattress and ship it straight to your door free of charge, which is a pretty good deal.

And Erin, I don't know if you've noticed, but we swapped out the floorboards for Helix Sleep mattresses. You're standing on one right now. You know, Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by standing on it in a house, replacing the floorboards with a mattress, or by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100-night trial and a 10- to 15-year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress.

And everybody is unique, and everybody sleeps differently, and that's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. I have the best mattress in the world. People compliment every time I sleep over and sleep in my bed. Everyone thinks it's the best mattress ever.

Oh yeah, Casey was saying it was amazing. He said he accidentally kicked you out of bed. He was so comfortable.

Uh, yes. But that's a story for another time. Happy birthday to me!

I'd rather hear it now.

And listen, don't take our word for it. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired Magazine. It is even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine, and doctors of sleep-o-medicine, thank you, Casey, as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Plus, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. For our listeners, just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

Bye all, bye ABC, happy birthday Arizona!

Wow, she can really run. She can really zoom. Hey Riddle Riddle. All right, we have to come back and explore this.

No, I don't want to. I want to be a consistent person who's easy to deal with.

And we're back, and during the break I put the screws to Katie and said, hey, you listed two musicals, you said you loved them both. And she goes, I've actually seen three. I also saw Hadestown. And I said, you hate it? She goes, no, I actually loved it a lot. Katie Rich loved three out of three musicals and yet she hates musicals somehow. We don't have the time to unpack this.

Now that's a riddle.

Yeah. That's a true riddle. Katie, you are on a roll two for two out of the last three.

Answer hog.

Answer hog over here. So let's do another riddle.

Oink oink, bitch.

If you're an answer hog and you see us at a live show, please come up to us and say oink oink, bitch.

I guess I don't, I guess I don't necessarily want someone to come up to me and say, oink, oink, bitch. Especially if I'm like with my wife or my child or something like that. But I, yeah, I guess if you want to do it, I won't stop you from doing it. But please just think.

How about this? How about this? Oink, oink, bebe.

I like that.

I like that a lot.

Yeah, I guess so. That's fine. But say it respectfully.

Yeah, you're not like, honk, honk.

Name something so easy to make that even children can make it, yet it is invisible and no one can see it. I'll give you a hint. This word is in the title of the Neil Diamond musical. America? This is one of the two words that's in the Neil Diamond musical title.

Can you read it again?

Name something so easy to make that even children can make it, yet it is invisible and no one can see it. A lie. Wow. Of course JPC would guess that. I can't wait till my child is old enough to lie.

The Neil... Alright, um... So you don't care about their first word, you care about their first lie.

I care about their first fib, their first tall truth.

I don't really think I know that much about Neil Diamond.

He's coming to America. So, um, children can make it. And I would say even babies can make it. I would say animals can make it. Uh, maybe all animals except for a giraffe or a... I guess foxes do. What? All animals except for a giraffe make it. Although... Okay.

A giraffe could make it. You made it so much harder to say a giraffe or maybe a fox. Now, like, you're so confused as to what this could be.

A giraffe could make it, but it would probably make it by bumping into something. Noise? Yes, it's noise. As in Neil Diamond's musical A Beautiful Noise. Wait, giraffes can't make noise?

What? Giraffes can't make noise?

Katie, what sound does a giraffe make?

Yeah, classic. You know when the giraffes are like, augh, augh.

They gotta make a noise.

Chiming in as somebody who used to work at the zoo, and we would talk about giraffes. Giraffes actually do make noise, but it's too low for the human ear to hear. Is that real? But it travels all across the savannah.

But what is the noise?

It's just like a guttural kind of like, rrrr.

Can you download it and play it? Is it like a Tibetan throat singing?

I don't know about throat singing necessarily, more just like a hungry dinosaur.

The vibe that I'm getting is that giraffes have the opposite tonal quality of my voice, which is that it bothers no one.

You claim, Adal, that there is no God, but how can there be no God when the tallest animal makes the lowest noise, okay? That, my friend, is what we like to call symmetry.

I would like to hear a monologue from Adal of a giraffe upset with Adal for his words upon this program.

Welcome back to Do all of nature's little creatures, big and small, pronounce thus their eagerness vocalized through throat and mouth, through teeth and tongue? Have we not come so far? Are we not caught and killed? Do we not provide and eat ourselves? And yet, the most gentle of giants, the longest of throats, you think we do not speak? Poor shame, Adal. For shame, you are forbidden from entering the Giraffe Kingdom. You are... what do the Amish call it? You know, like when you kick an Amish person out of the Amish? What is that called? You are... Unspringer. What was it? Unspringer. You are unspringered. You are unspringered from the giraffes. Go forth and make no noise from this day forward. Snaps on neck.

Snaps on neck!

Wait, why did it end in harakari?

Yeah, I do think it's because the giraffes are an honor-bound species.

Wow, that was beautiful. Also, unspringa. I mean, fantastic.

It's like the unkola.

A lot of people don't know, but the Amish language, springa is their root word of their language. And don't email me!

Jerry Springer. But there is something where it's like, when they're kicked out, there is a term for that.

What is that called? It's not like the John Wick excommunicado thing, is it?

That's super Italian. I don't think there's any Italian Amish. Hey, no electricity.

Watch it.

Careful. I'm contacting our musical guide to see if he can secure Italian Amish. Katie, what percentage Italian are you?

I'm about 80%. I have like a little Irish, which is the paleness, but mostly Italian.

Do you make any sort of like family recipe dish or anything?

I'm a terrible cook. I wish I would have learned and I just never listened. And now I try to listen to my dad, but I'm bad at it.

It's not too late. Like the LSAT, it's not too late.

Well, I googled, can you learn old family recipes too old? And it was like, Dicey. And then it was like, one in five people over 30 can learn. And I was like, those aren't great odds.

Katie, when the recipe says Dicey, it just means cutting it into cut of small pieces.

Oh my gosh, thank you so much.

Yeah, that's just a part of recipes. I don't, okay, you'll get it.

This is how bad of a cook I am.

Okay, let's see how, let's cook up some more riddles here and see how you do. When I'm alive you bury me in the soil, when I'm dead you dig me up. What am I? And don't overthink this. When I'm alive you bury me in the soil, when I'm dead you dig me up. Holy shit. Excuse me, I'm staying at the resort. Is there a scream coming from six feet under that pit over there?

Hey guys, thanks for the invite to the barbecue. What is this hole?

We put a live pig in there, and he is uncomfortable, but don't worry, he will smother to death, and then we will excavate him and have a delicious meal.

Welcome to Maui Howies. If you've never been to the restaurant before, you're just gonna pick a pig that's wrong to you, and then we're going to torture him for three days and serve him up to you.

That's not a luau, that's a luah! When I'm alive, you bury me in the soil. When I'm dead, you dig me up.

I mean, I do want to say, like, this is like every plant that you would plant. David and Ian nailed it.

It is simply a plant.

That's so stupid. No, no, I don't like that at all. I'm furious. I was furious and now I'm furious.

I'm absolutely furious. So you mean to tell me I plant something and then I let it die and then I dig it up? You're saying when you dig it up, you kill it.

So is that what it is? If you get like a plant that's like an annual so that gets supposed to like bloom every year usually what they just can't survive the cold snap that hits so like in November or whatever you're supposed to dig the root out of the ground store it and then replant it next year so that it can grow again because if you leave it in the ground it dies and then it won't grow.

Do you know what makes a really good riddle? Needing a horticultural degree to fucking understand it.

Well, I don't have a horticultural degree, but I do know that I believe perennials can only grow between your taint and your asshole.

Awesome!

Is that right? Is that perennial? Yes, that is correct.

There was a restaurant, I remember, across the street, like where the Hotel Lincoln is now, and it was called Perennial, and I always used to say perianal, and no one laughed.

My favorite detective.

It's perianal! And one more thing.

Columbine.

Columbine. Here we go, this is another riddle. Again, Katie, this is par for the course.

You absolutely should be very frustrated at these answers. That makes it a riddle. Yes! If one person has me, then I am a burden. If two people have me, I am priceless. Yet, I cannot be bought. What am I?

One person has me, I'm a burden.

If one person has me, then I'm a burden. If two people have me, I am priceless. Yet, I cannot be bought. What am I? If two people have me, I am priceless.

Oh, is this like a child?

Katie, say that again?

Love.

It is love. If one person has it, it's unrequited. So it's a burden. If two people have it, it's priceless. Wow, Katie.

That's kind of nice. But can one person have love? We'll be right back.

But Katie, what if I was just really horny?

Did you ever even think about that? First of all, you're 1000% on some kind of watch list right now. Yeah.

Oh, he's been on a watch list from the jump. He got on the internet and he was immediately on a watch list 10 seconds after he joined the internet.

My webcam is also live streaming to watchmebehorny.com, so I'm on a lot of lists.

I can't believe that website was available.

Casey, go ahead and buy that website for me if you can. If it's available right now, go ahead and purchase that for me. We're going to start redirecting Hey Riddle Riddle episodes to WatchMeBeHorny.com.

That's so fucking funny. That's where your Patreon goes.

I guarantee you any way you spell horny, it's taken. Yes, taken, taken, taken, taken. 40 wise is still taken. Let's do another riddle here. Katie, that's three you've gotten. This is very impressive. You're probably cracking our top guest scoreboard.

I think everyone's being kind, which I like, and so we'll just say we're being kind.

We have two ruthless co-hosts over here.

Yeah, I'll destroy a guest. I don't care.

I've always thought that I'm not nice, but I'm kind at all. There's a difference. You're literally neither.

You're famously neither. Famously, JPZ.

Here's a riddle that's sure to infuriate. Here's a riddle that's sure to infuriate. John Wrong went on trial 8 times last week. Each time he was accused of the murder of Susan Smith. And each time he was found guilty of the murder. How is this possible? I hope you enjoyed it.

I only kill people named JPC. My list is getting shorter and shorter.

Wait, is that why my power keeps growing? Are you killing my other clones out there? Yes. Yeah, okay. I don't hate it. Until I go.

John Wrong went on trial eight times last week. Each time he was accused of the murder of Susan Smith. Each time he was found guilty of the murder. How is this possible? And a little clue, um, this is... Oh, go ahead.

Is it mistrials because, like, the judge keeps sleeping with the foreperson? And they have to, like, get it, like, moved to, like, another jurisdiction.

No, but I do now want to see a scene. Katie, you are a judge. It's almost like a Judge Judy or any of those type of, like, sensationalized shows. Say no more. And your name is Miss Trial. You wear a sash that says Miss Trial and you have a bouquet and you hear just outrageous sort of cases and make snap judgments. Erin and JPC, you'll be playing a revolving door, depending on how long we go, a revolving door of people bringing cases in front of Miss Trial.

Order in the court. Get ready to object to anybody not being fashionable. It's time for Miss Trial!

All rise.

Hi, my name's Pepsi and I'm here to sue my dog. You want to sue your dog? Uh, is Pepsi okay? I don't think so. Disdained. Hi, my name is Joseph Keller.

I'm suing this woman who took all of the hair off of my horse and then tried to sell me a wig made of my own horse's hair.

Well, I mean, I really like the wig, but then when I got home and I got into the bathroom and I saw my horse, you know, completely hairless, I thought, oh my God, she sold me my own horse's hair as a wig.

Hand me Exhibit Hey.

I don't really want to give you the wig. Okay, she's wearing the wig now, so I'm not going to get that back.

I look fucking fantastic. Guilty.

Miss Rock, can I just say hey, girl?

I'm guilty?

Come on.

Thank you, Bailiff. And may I say hey, girl? Right back.

Oh, bailiff! Ha ha ha ha!

Hi, my name is Sonia Sotomayor, and I'm here for a divorce.

Okay, first of all, good for you, honey. Let's go to a paint and sip sometime and celebrate. Divorce granted. Nice! Aw, man!

I guess I got to get a job now.

Oh my God.

Oh, I hope Miss Trial gets picked up by Real TV.

It'll be picked up by HBO Max. Sorry, Max.

Just Max. Wow. Adal, were you trying to get a Bae Lif spin-off in the middle of Miss Trial?

How dare you try to get a spin-off? How dare you try to get a spin-off?

It's sort of a portmanteau of Bale of Hay, Bae, Baelin.

I don't know. It'll work.

It'll work. We'll shoot her in that end.

As long as it's a multicam, which is cheaper. Well, it'll sell.

Thank you. So what's going on with John? He's convicted eight times a week of a murder each time he's found guilty. Oh, goddammit.

Yeah, we're still in the middle of it. It's the worst feeling when you do a scene and you feel like you're in the clear.

I forgot I was having fun. I was like, what a nice day. And now I'm like, goddammit. Fucking John Wrong's still here.

That's sort of our show is we rest people away from fun and get back to work. So this is... Eight times?

Does the number eight have something to do with it or is it just saying that it's happening a lot?

Well, think about something else we talked about in this episode that maybe we even talked about on break, and it happens eight times a week. And then we can sort of maybe deduce.

Oh, he's in a play.

Katie, he's in a play. Everyone got it. John's appearing as an actor in a play at the theater. That sucks.

Everyone got it. Can I be honest? That's pretty good. But how would you know? Do most people know that you do a show eight times a week? I hope you

I'd like to see a scene. You three are in a high school production of Death of a Salesman, and I just want you to do it to the best of your ability.

The play? Okay. Yeah, the play. Okay. Willie, you forgot your briefcase.

Oh no, I'm drunk again, Biff. Thank you. Yeah, well that's- Biff Lohman, you're my son and one day you'll take over my automotive and airplane parts business, so you better start hitting the bottle.

Oh, shut up, Dad.

You shut up. Hey, where's your little brother, Cliff?

He died, remember?

Oh no.

He died when you were so drunk that you smothered him. Like, like- Like the dog in The Sopranos.

Oh, no. I fell asleep. He must have crawled under me for warmth. I think my son crawled under me for warmth.

Excuse me, excuse me. I'm, I'm just passing through the town. I'm actually looking for a daughter to marry. I'm not sure if you have a daughter that you might want to marry to someone?

I have a daughter named Tiff Lowman.

We also have another daughter named Attention, but if you want to marry her, Attention must be paid.

I don't know if that sounds super transactional. I know. Well, my name is Laser Wolf. I am... Uh oh.

Oh no. No, what? Are you some sort of music man?

The parents in the audience are all flipping through their program being like, is this fucking Fiddler on the Roof?

What is this? Where's Katie Rich's yenta? I hope she doesn't sing.

Scene.

Barbara Streisand is yenta.

We did Fiddler on the Roof at my high school, and I don't think a single Jewish kid was in that show. It was just a bunch of Irish Catholics.

The guy who played Tevye in our show was 5'8", 110 pounds, soaking wet.

Yeah.

Perfect. A freshman boy.

Yeah, really carried away by the wind. Tevye is supposed to be this, you know, Jolly figure. And it was like, oh god, I'm worried about that guy. That guy can't even get up on a roof. I will say, there's certain, like, one reason to not have children is to not have to see high school plays. Thanks for watching!

I'll say that I went to a theater high school where we weren't good at sports, we weren't good at anything else, but we were very good at theater, and we were routinely blowing people away with our high school plays. Really? And I will say a big part of it was that our school had a lot of money, and they put a lot of money into the set design. Because I feel like if you go to a Broadway musical or something, part of what you're seeing is the spectacle of the set design. I remember we built a revolving stage for Les Mis, and there were people openly weeping at that. One of the final death scenes, the stage spins around and you see all the people splayed out on the barricade, which goes up 11 feet in the air. And it was very cool looking.

Nobody tell JPC that people cry for two different reasons.

Let him have this.

Let him have this.

I will also say, it is way more than two, but I do like that there are two.

It's binary. Katie, you didn't get Yenta. Did you ever have a larger part in a musical?

Or a play?

It would have to be a play, right?

Because you didn't sing. I was always the lead in plays. What's wrong?

What are we talking?

Well, I was actually the stage manager in our town, which sounds like a different thing, but it's actually the, you know, and this was, this was in like the eighties. That's how old I, no, but this was a while ago. I mean, to do it under Switch, that was a big deal.

You went to Chicago? You were in school in Chicago? No. Yes? No.

I went to Carl Sandburg High School.

Wait, in Galesburg?

No, but I did go to Knox College for a year because they gave me money and then I dropped out and went to Northwestern because I didn't want to be not in Chicago.

That's where my parents met was Knox College in Galesburg.

What are you talking about?

My dad moved from Palestine to the US specifically to attend Knox College on a full soccer scholarship.

Whoa. So the thing about Knox College, which was crazy, is it was a ton of people from overseas that were coming. It was this really cool... There were only a thousand kids there, but there were 3,500 in my high school. So it was very jarring.

Where was your high school at? Where's Carl Sandburg High School? I said Galesburg because Galesburg famously has the Carl Sandburg Mall.

Yes. Well, Carl Sandburg is a big Galesburg guy. It's in Orland Park, Illinois. I lived in Chicago, and then for high school we moved, so we didn't have to pay for high school.

That's amazing. Katie, let's do one more riddle.

Oh, God.

And then we'll pull the curtain down and we'll let the audience applause for this play. Round and round a circle, a uniform pie chart. Filled with decoration, a unique work of art. Your thoughtless interference tears me apart, a feeling for the whole that was there at the start. What is being described? Round and round a circle, a uniform pie chart. Emphasis on pie. Filled with decoration, a unique work of art. Your thoughtless interference tears me apart, a filling for the hole that was there at the start. What is being described? I think circle and pie is pretty big.

Clock. Carousel.

Donut. Donuts were very much on the right track with Donut.

Pizza.

It would be cool if it was Carousel, because Carousel's a musical, right? It is a musical. That could be full circle. A very sort of fucked up, sad, sad musical. Erin, I think you said the answer.

I do love it though. I do love Carousel.

Erin, I think you said the answer.

Pizza.

JPC, I'm surprised. From P to Z. It's pizza!

You got your answer! Oh, I was just early. I was 30 minutes early on pizza. You're a time traveler. 30 minutes early, I guess I shouldn't have to pay.

Wait, I don't get why it's pizza. That was fantastic, Erin.

Thank you so much. That means a lot coming from you. What's the hole?

What's the hole? Your stomach?

I think like your stomach or hunger, like you're filling the hole that was there to exist. So your mouth, I guess. Your mouth, your hunger. I'm sorry. You put pizza in your mouth? It's best not to interrogate the questions.

The rhyming ones I find distracting.

Yes, and Katie, what I found is that the rhyming ones are particularly long because they're nonsensical because they're only trying to rhyme and the simplistic words don't rhyme. So they're like, I really have to, if I want to make this flowery, it has to be 10 paragraphs.

And you're using words you would never use simply because you have to rhyme.

Well, it is that time. Katie, thank you so much for being on. Thank you for answering. Thank you for introducing us to the term Answer Hog.

I cannot tell you how much fun I had. I love this. I wish you would. No, now I'm not. It's like when your mom says, we'll say thank you, and you're like, I was going to, and now if I say it, I look like I'm only saying it because you said it. Congratulations on this, the podcast that you do for bringing just People for doing something that just makes people happy and have a moment. So I think that that's really, really lovely. Thank you for letting me be a part of it. What's happening here?

Our listeners are not happy from what we do. What?

I feel genuinely moved. I mean it though. I know, it's so nice.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for saying that.

Katie, is there anything that we can, anywhere where listeners can find you online, anything upcoming you'd like to plug or promote?

I'm not online a lot, but I should be online more.

No, you're okay.

Is that healthy?

If you're not online, that's good.

If you're offline, you're doing it right. Stick with that.

So there's a show called Kite Man Hell Yeah. It's a spinoff of Harley Quinn. It'll be out in July. We're very excited about it. And then the fifth season of Harley Quinn will premiere At the end of this year, we're not quite sure, but we're in the middle of post for it and it's a great, it's very exciting. It's sort of a... Harley and Ivy decide to switch it up.

Oh no!

Oh no! I just got fired.

Oh no.

Oh, that was bad.

I hope they start doing the trailers and it's your voice.

It's that exact clip. From this?

People are like, who is that talking?

And why is my dog running in the room? No, we got a giraffe to record it, so it didn't work. Pretty good.

Famously don't make sounds. If they do, they sound like Ron Perlman.

Which one? The billionaire or the hellboy?

Hellboy.

Okay. I do like, though, that the two animals that you decided don't make sounds were giraffes and foxes.

I'm going purely off of the What Does the Fox Say song. Hey Riddle Riddle

It's when they're the resistance.

It's from the movie, the movie musical, which you, Katie, really liked.

Fuck! What is going on here? I don't know.

Thank you so much. I've watched every season of Harley Quinn. It's a tremendous show. It's so funny. The voice cast is tremendous. Check it out. Erin, do you have anything to, and obviously Kite Man, hell yeah, I'm very excited for. Erin, do you have anything to plug or promote?

I would just check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle. It's going to turn into what is it? Watch me be horny.

WatchMeBeHorny.com.

Yeah, that's going to turn into that soon, so if you want to listen to our episodes before that disappears, check it out now.

But horny is spelled with a five. However we can get it.

Yeah. Okay, we found a loophole. And the five, not where you think it would be. It's not replacing what you think it would replace.

Adal, anything to plug?

Okay, I'm looking on Quora.com for what is it called when the Amish kick you out?

This is when it's plugging.

It is called shunning or also meydang. Meydang is a practice within some Amish communities where a member is excommunicated, excommunicado if you will, or shunned for violating the ordnung, quote unquote, the set of rules that govern Amish life. These all sound like spells.

How many of the rules governing Amish life, Adal, do you think you've broken today?

I used to phone one. We recorded a podcast too, Asked Riddles, 3.

Webcam of me being horny, 4.

Dared to guess what a giraffe would sound like, 5. Blasphemy! Blasphemy to dare!

Any review to reveed? No, that's nothing. Any review to read? Or something you want to say?

I will plug this. If you're listening to this episode on the day that it comes out, this Sunday, we are going to be live in LA at the Dynasty Typewriter. So I don't know, due to the nature of when we're recording this, if those tickets are sold out. They might be sold out. You can still try to find them at heyriddleriddle.com slash live or live. It's spelled the same way. And you can get live show tickets. But if it's sold out in person, you can still get the live stream. So there's a live stream for that show because we are streaming it. So please do find your tickets there. heyriddleriddle.com slash live.

And sort of a secret speakeasy after show. Don't tell anybody else. After the live show, we will be in Koreatown at a bar to be named where Katie Rich will be putting on her one-woman Yenta musical. Katie, is that right? Nonsense?

Yes, it is a musical. There is no singing.

And it's $700 to get in and there's no refunds, no matter how nervous she gets.

And it's really just me talking about Jimmy Buffet songs without singing them.

And Erin, Katie did the book, but you composed. Would you like to sing a little bit of the number one hit single from that musical?

And that's my dog screaming, so I'll go ahead and say Jupiter, so we don't have to keep listening to that. My brother. Saved by the dog. I would have had to say.

How are your parents and the music?

Hey there Ostriches and Otters, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We do some animal scenes. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad free episodes. See you there! That was a hate gum podcast.