Which Riddle Riddle?

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Okay, you guys are all good. Casey, I thought you were going to sing the song.

Well, yeah, Casey, you can't go away if you're going to sing. That's pretty, pretty fucked up.

Should I, should I pull up a MIDI track?

No, no, you gotta do it.

There you go. Wow. That's right. Erin is the adult of my JPC. Casey, Tony, thank you so much for those beautiful dulcet tones. They were dulcet. You are correct in singing that song, a parody, of course, of Amber is the Color of My Energy, because we're all mixed up. We don't know what to do. We're coming original. It's episode 311. Erin, how excited are you?

Me, Erin?

Yeah, on a scale of 1 to 311. That's why I'm so fucking confused.

Is there not another Erin behind me? What's going on?

Erin, on a scale of 1 to 311, how excited are you that this is episode... You're actually hosting it. Episode 311.

Erin... It's not 69. It's not 420. Why do I care?

I wish.

It's right in the middle.

Well, not right in the middle.

Erin, we said that we were doing episode 311, and you said... And Adal and I are obviously freaked out because we're huge fans of episodes. And you said, what? What's going on? Do you... Are you... Is 311... Is that a little blind spot for you? That's a band. Blind spot? Okay, it's a movement. I don't know if it's necessarily just a- It's a culture.

It's a way of living. But I didn't think they were an interesting or pop-culturally significant enough band for us to build an entire Hey Riddle Riddle episode around them.

Oh, taking off my clothes. I'm getting too hot. I'm getting too hot.

Dear diary, moving forward, I need to make sure I'm working with only women. I've known this for quite some time.

Dear Diary, me too. Yeah, why not? You got me a little fair over here.

Guys, get out of my diary! Ow! Ow! We're all trying to write in it at the same time.

Okay, I truly thought this was our diary.

Alright, tell me about the band 311. Why are you here? I only know the one song. You only know one song? Oh my god.

For sure. And I know three songs. Calm Original, All Mixed Up, Amber Is The Color, Hum Them For Energy. Come Original is like... What do you think a hum is? Is this humming? It's when you go like... This sounds like an insect language.

What is he doing?

Number two is All Mixed Up, which is like... And then Amber is like... Three, Erin, three terrible songs.

Okay, why was everyone yelling at me for so many minutes about not knowing this band? Because JPC knows one song and Adal, I would say you probably put together really only know about one song.

You know what? Actually, all three of those songs might just be the one song and those are just the different peaks and valleys of that song. Here's what I'll say. 311 could never beat Everclear. Go back and listen to Everclear. Everclear is way better than you think it is. Father of Mine? Listen to the song Father of Mine by Everclear. Way better than you remember it.

Stop what you're doing right now and listen to the song Father of Mine by Everclear.

It's insane that you haven't listened to it yet. It's so good. It's so fucking good. We have to re-record 310. We didn't do a 310 to Yuma bit at the beginning of the episode. And I guess we just have to mention whatever the number's been in Casey's typing. I'm sure he's really excited about this.

Did we not do a 310 to Yuma bit? Oh no!

I tried to do a very subtle one, but nobody picked up.

It was too subtle.

At some point I said, hey, Erin. And hey, in the movie, they say like, hey. Because there's horses, they have to feed the... Erin, why don't we do a 310 to you a bit now, and then we can have Casey splice it and put it into 310. Okay, Erin, whenever you're ready, you start.

Cowboys or something.

Is that your Kid Rock impression?

Kid Rock? Is that that?

I want to be a cowboys. Erin, he obviously said that. Kid Rocka obviously said that.

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone today. I don't know where I am.

The mid to late 90s? I almost said Jordan Peterson. The Jordan Peterson one?

All right, you guys, I have to do a mental restart of this episode. Hold on. Oh, okay. Okay, reset. Okay. A cup of tea. Me, me, me, my, mo, mo, moo. You. We're on episode favorite. This isn't forever. We won't get stuck in an episode. Eventually it will end, okay?

Casey, put the dial-up internet tone over this.

Riddles. Riddles. Riddles. Shoulders back and down. Give them a frown.

She never does shoulders back and down. She never shows up to this recording with good posture. She's fronting like she has good posture on these recordings. Unreal.

No, they can tell by everything that I'm not. They can tell. You know what I just remembered? I don't know why this made me think of it. Let me see if I can try to find it.

And this is how you're starting your new episode. You just did a reset and you're starting by Googling something. You can't do that.

Hold on. You can't say, you know what this reminds me of? What? Hold on. Let me find it. You can't do that.

Yeah. You can't say it reminds me of something and you don't have a memory of it.

Well, I have a memory of it, but I wanted to get the exact quote right. So I was looking for something for a thing I was writing. And you know when you have like an idea for something, you just put it in your notes app and hope that you remember to look back at your notes app.

And it never makes sense?

It never makes sense. That's a great idea.

Hold on. I got to write down ideas in bullets for cheese.

What was I thinking? And everyone's notes app is on Hinge and you find really random shit. But I had a procedure last year, so I was under anesthesia. And so I was looking for a different thing and then I found this and I was like, what is this? What is the context of this? And I looked at the date and I was like, oh my God, I wrote this when I was like in the hospital coming out of anesthesia. And I don't know the context and I don't know why I wrote it down. But do you want to hear it?

Sure. Yes.

I'm a cutie patootie and I'm trying to have a good attitudie about it.

Okay, here's what we need. Erin, are you familiar with the TikTok viral sensation, I'm looking for a man in finance? 6'5", blue eyes. We need that done to whatever you just said.

I think that this needs to be buried forever. But what do you think I was what was this for? I'm a cutie patootie and I'm trying to have a good attitude, but I'm trying to have a good attitude about it. What do we think it was for?

I think that was for maybe like some Victoria, like a new line of Victoria's Secret sweatpants.

I'm a cutie patootie.

Where they have like little sayings on the butts, right?

Yeah, maybe. Also, I'm like, maybe the nurse said this out loud and I thought it was funny and I was trying to remember the quote.

Oh, yeah, that could be it. I forgot about the possibility if it didn't come from your own deranged brain, but instead came from a stranger's and you wrote it down.

Yeah, that's a possibility. My friend Elizabeth, who took me to the appointment last year, could have said it. I don't think so, though.

Erin, if I may, and I don't want to upset you or make you feel bad in any way, but if I may speak for Casey, JPC, and myself, I think, Erin, you are a cutie patootie with a good attitudie.

I mean, I'm trying to have a good attitudie about it. I don't always have a good attitudie about it. Sometimes I get sort of overwhelmed by it.

Erin, I'm also going through my freaking notes app and I'm like looking at some of the deranged shit that I have in here and I'm like, Erin, what could this possibly mean? Okay, ready for this? What could this possibly mean? Shower door is 29.5 inches wide. Tub could be 69 inches, question mark?

No, don't tell me that you're mentally well. Don't do a bit about how your notes app is normal. No, that's not a safe space for normal brains.

This is a deranged, this is a deranged little note that I've taken for myself. Like what the fuck could I possibly have been thinking?

Here's some of my recent notes. Give Sadia gift. My mother had Bell's palsy. Send Levi Piranesi.

Okay, Erin, this one's crazy. What the fuck could this be? Spaghetti dentist? Okay, now I'm like just kind of throwing random words together. Last time minus extras $6.46, $6.45. This time $9.74, $9.70. This is just like numbers and spaghetti and dentist. I'm like, what the hell?

I'm crazy. No, no, no.

People think I'm the crazy one on this podcast. And if you look at my notes up, you'd have to agree.

Hey, I'm gonna have to drill

Erin, another insane one for me.

Oh, you know what it is? All right. I have one gazebo. It's October 6th, 2018 at 3.48 p.m. I was coaching an improv team and I was watching their show.

Okay.

And I was complimenting that a gazebo was a really great place, location for one of their scenes.

Interesting. Interesting.

I wonder what team this was. Maybe Great Lakes Activity Center?

Truly unhinged shit in my notes app. Listen to this fucking nonsense. Bring doula paperwork with you to the hospital or upload it on MyChart. OK, I'm on some nutty, nutty shit over here.

Also, some improviser in 2018 said this line in that improv show. Who knows who it was. Just give the kids candy, Diane. And then I wrote, Vatican City, I'm dying.

I don't know what that means. Erin, this is a real question. Do you archive any of this stuff or delete any of these notes? Because if I did notes for an improv rehearsal, those would all go into the trash the moment I'm done with the improv rehearsal.

I have hoarding things.

Oh.

Stuff like this.

Here's an actual note, and I don't know if this is funny. I bet Moving Day is a bitch on Sesame Street because everyone keeps trying to make you learn something. Today we're Oh, neighborhood. N-E, and you're like, I can't.

I can't refuse.

I'm so sorry, the meter's running. I should have just said place. I should have just said home. I'm so sorry. Far? Yeah, it's pretty far away. Near? No, it's about an hour 15 from here, buddy. I'm so sorry. You've been great, though. You've been awesome. Can you lift? Can you lift a box? Do you have knees?

Oh my gosh.

Erin, did you just realize we're doing a riddle podcast and we're 12 minutes in and we haven't done a single riddle?

Yes, and I'm Old Man Puzzles. I kind of forgot. I remembered at the beginning of the episode and then I started looking at my notes up and then I forgot.

Now, which beginning, Erin? Because there were two beginnings to this episode. There was the one that we all were present for and then there was the one that you reset us into.

Hello. Hey, she doesn't even know that's not it. Hey, Adal. Hey, Erin. Hey, JPC. I've got a bone to pick with you. No way. So I have some riddles to pick with you. There's some bones to I have some riddles some of the what word riddles you did last week. Yeah, I'm dating this email. You're exposed once again. I respect it.

Just dating an email?

I thought these were a lot of fun, so I thought you'd send... I thought those were a lot of fun, so I thought I'd send you some of my own. Hope you like them. Love the podcast and look forward to possibly hearing you solve these this year. Or I'm going to go with 2028. Nope. We're in 2024.

Damn, Erin got to him first. Otherwise it would have been 2028. It truly would have been.

So I think what Erin and JPC are doing is it's almost like Lady and the Tramp style. JPC is starting at the back of the piece of spaghetti. Erin is starting at the front of a piece of spaghetti. And eventually we'll meet and fight to the death.

And there's so many times when Erin and I get the front and the back of the spaghetti confused, because I'm like, no, it's obviously the back of the spaghetti. You could tell because it's saucier.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where the poop comes from. And you guys will kiss around 2021, late 2021, maybe?

You know what, GBC, we should decide what happens when we meet in the middle. When we're gonna kiss? When we're gonna kiss. No, when we meet in the middle, like, because whoever email that's on, should we send them a prize? Should we hunt them for sport? Like, what happens with that middle email?

Erin, not that we shouldn't decide, but like, I'll, when that happens, I'll be 46 years old, and I'll be like, I'll, I'll... So really ready to hunt someone?

Yeah.

Still young, still very young. Still very young, still very young. But I will, I'll have other stuff going on in my life that I have to worry about. Now, we'll still be doing the podcast for sure.

You won't be worrying about it. Alright, so these are from Mackenzie.

When I'm 46, and that's like 11 years from now, and you bring up spaghetti, I might fucking tear up. That's gonna make me cry. There's gonna be a time in the near future where we can't really talk about spaghetti on the show anymore.

Alright, we're 15 minutes in and we're talking about our dogs dying? I don't love this. I don't love this.

Spaghetti just had a birthday. Six, six years old. We picked the date arbitrarily because she's a rescue, so we don't really know what the birthday is, but just had a birthday, and she's got a little gray beard now.

She's got a little gray beard. Blue is six and she's gray, and it's devastating.

It's funny because that means they're 40.

These are from Mackenzie. What are you doing? Tin Excel rectangle.

And sorry, what's the format of this?

Um, it's the, uh, what word riddles. So I, you have to guess two words and then they combine into one word. So tin.

Yeah.

And then the second word is Excel rectangle. And those two words, when you moosh them together, moosh is the correct term.

The second word is Excel rectangle? Spreadsheet?

Yeah. Well, no, that's not the second. The second word is a different word for Excel rectangle. So it's a different word for tin. Different word for Excel.

Aluminum spreadsheet?

Tin. Oh, oh, interesting. Aluminum. You're going with that version of tin. Metal. Tin. What did you say, Adal?

Yep.

Can. Do. I don't know.

And then Excel Rectangle.

Excel Rectangle. Rhombus. What's Excel Rectangle? And this is forming one word?

Mm-hmm. So can is the first half of the word.

Oh, car. Can car?

No. Can car. Excel Rectangle. What do you call it?

What do they call it when you're like putting- A cell?

Cancel! Cancel! Yes!

Cancel culture.

It's cancel culture. I'd like to see a scene. JPC, it's your first day on- Actually, I'm going to reverse this. Adal, it's your first day on the job. JPC, you are the boss. And Adal, you lied on your resume that you could use Excel and all other computer programs that they use in an office. But you were lying.

Well, you know, we're absolutely so glad to have you. As you can see, the data here is an absolute mess. So really what we're looking to do is kind of collate everything, organize it, make sure that it's all matching up with the year and matching up with the paper records, which you do have. Yeah.

Better collate than never.

Yeah, if it's not too much to ask, I'd love to see something by the end of the day just to see where you're at and kind of like, you know, get a get a gauge of how much work we actually have here.

Absolutely. Actually, if you just want to watch over my shoulder, I'll show you what I can do right now. Okay, so let's do this.

So you have a mouse, right? We get we got you a mouse.

Yes, but I prefer I prefer to just sort of try and move the cursor with my mind.

Okay, you're fired.

Huh?

Yeah, you're fired. It's your last day here. I don't know what I was thinking.

Do I get any sort of compensation package or golden parachute or something? A golden parachute?

Yeah.

I guess I ultimately don't know what that is and I just thought better to beg forgiveness than to ask what a golden parachute is.

Okay, well, you know, it's good that you asked for it. No, what we'll have is we'll have security come by here in a couple of minutes, rough you up a little bit. Sure, that makes sense. Not the face? Not the face?

Can I ask a request not the face?

I'm not a micromanager. I don't know if you noticed that about me, but I don't micromanage. So I'll have to come over and rough you up a little bit. You have a few minutes to gather any of your belongings. I didn't bring anything. You didn't bring anything?

No.

But I do have one thing. What are all these pictures? Whose children are these?

I don't know. It came with the frame.

Hey, where's my picture of my daughter? Hey, I'm missing my pictures too. Okay, so you gotta get out of here. You gotta get the fuck out of here.

You gotta leave these pictures. What's that? If it would have played out, if I would have stuck around, in two weeks I would have given it back with a piece of candy and said, your family says hi.

You called for security?

Not the face.

No, the face. Do the face. Usually, yeah, but this is a face. This guy's a face guy. Either not the face or only the face.

See? Okay. This one's hard, okay? I'm gonna give you a hard one, but I think you can handle it. Mackenzie thinks you can handle it. I think you can handle it. The collective thinks you can do this. Bodily digit.

Bodily digit?

A dead priest abbreviated.

Bodily digits, so toe or finger?

Yep.

Toe?

Mm-hmm.

And then a dead priest?

Abbreviated.

Abbreviated.

A good start, you know what I'm saying?

ADP?

ADP! No, so it's abbreviated.

I know what abbreviated means, but also realize what you're asking.

It's a word that has a common abbreviation to it.

Oh, okay.

You put before someone's name. So we got toe... Like what's a holy person when they're dead and they did a really good job?

Saint. Esquire. Toe saint. Toe saint. Toe saint. Alan Toussaint. Toe-dead saint. Toe-deceased saint.

Toast.

What?

O-S-T. It's abbreviated. Saint.

Oh, it's the abbreviation for Saint. Like the abbreviation for St.

Martin's.

All Saints.

Erin, what song did All Saints sing?

I don't know man. I'm just here for the snacks. What about Bewitched?

That one was hard Erin and it was actually too hard and it made my tummy hurt.

I'm sorry. Explosive Inlet

I just want to say very quickly because I just learned this and I thought this was fascinating. They just made a saint out of a kid who I think he died when he was 14 or something and he died like 97, 98?

Yeah, this is the first millennial saint.

Yeah, and I just thought that was fascinating and he received sainthood because I think he was like helpful through the internet somehow.

He made a website, which is still up. It's like an angel fire site, and it looks like a relic of the old internet. How appropriate. Angel fire. Angel fire. But the criteria, I don't even know where I heard this, but the criteria to become a saint, you have to do two miracles. And one of his miracles that he did- Was a really cool skateboard trick.

He cleared cookies back when that was impossible.

He had a sweatshirt that he gave to someone else who was sick and then that person got better. And they're like, miracle. And I'm like, wow. What are miracles?

I bet it was like a Rocco's Modern Life Gadzooks sweater. I bet they're like, this is a holy, this is like the Shroud of Turin, but it's a Rocco's Modern Life Gadzooks sweater.

Yeah, so congratulations to that guy who is dead but is now a saint, which I gotta say, probably pretty cool. Very low chances that any of us become saints, huh? What do we think?

I don't know. Well, I heard that sweatshirt story, and now I feel like I could maybe do it.

Well, Erin- Yeah, for sure I could do it. Erin, I hope you realize that you have already performed one miracle, which is- Which is? Murder! Performing a podcast with JPC and I. Yeah, that is- So you already have one miracle out of the way.

I would love to be a saint. You know how like, I always fucking forget who you pray to. Who do you pray to when you lose something? Is it St. Peter? It's not St. Peter.

No.

Patrick?

Divine Spirit of Awakening Grace. Anthony.

St.

fucking Anthony. Anthony. St. Anthony. If you were a saint, what would people pray to you for to help?

Like St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things. What's Erin going to be the patron saint of?

I would be the patron saint you'd pray to to get out of an escape room.

I would say that Adal, you're going to be the patron saint of waking up after noon.

You pray and you're like, it's 7am, can I go back to bed and wake up at 4.30? Yeah. God, ugh.

What would I be the patron saint of? I feel like anything that I would be the patron saint of, they'd be like, yeah, you're the patron saint of chaos. And they'd be like, is chaos a good thing? And they're like, do a quick, look at him. Let's see, horns, red skin. No, wait a second. I don't think this guy's a saint.

I have one for you, JPC. He's one of these devil creatures. This is something I leaned on you just a few days ago when I sent you a text with little Bobby White. I think you should be the saint that people pray to when they're buying a new car. Or not even a new car, any car from a car dealership. Because you, I feel like you know all the ins and outs. You're very good about that. So I feel like you would be the saint where it's like, I'm about to buy a car, I'm going to do this quick prayer to St. JBC, and hopefully that will imbue me with the patience and power to not get fucked over.

That makes a lot of sense.

That's a great answer. That's a better quality. And then Erin, you could be the patient saint of, I don't do Mondays.

Have you ever been to church and they bring out the catholic cannon they're shooting t-shirts all over the place and you're like yoink yoink

Let's hear it for the Pope! Shooting those, like, priest vestments out. Catholic t-shirt cannon. Yeah, gaudy, audacious priest robes.

Holy water and squirt guns. Hell yeah.

That church, I would go to that church. Yeah. If tonight's priest gets a hundred homilies, everyone gets a free Dunkin' Donut.

Instead of a priest, there's a DJ.

Explosive inlet.

Explosive Inlet. Bomb Island. Boom Peninsula.

Bomb... Bombay. Yes.

Bombay. Oh, Coach Gordon Gombay from the Mighty Ducks. I do want to see a scene. Greed is good. Wrong movie, but correct family. I want to see a scene. Erin. And hey, this is... I'm not trying to be... I'm not trying to upset anyone. This is the actual plot to Mighty Ducks. Erin, you got a DUI and as punishment, you do have to coach a youth hockey team. You've seen Mighty Ducks. You love it. JPC is the only player who showed up and you're trying to figure out what the next move is.

OK, kids, gather round. I got a second DUI my way here, so I'm not feeling my best. Hey, kid, where are your friends?

on the show. I guess nobody wants to play hockey except me. What? I guess you're probably thinking like there's no way that one kid could play a whole hockey game by himself.

Yeah, there's no way one kid could play a whole hockey game by himself. I'm on my redemption arc here and I can motivate people, but I can't motivate one kid. One kid going quack, quack, quack is pathetic. A bunch of kids going quack, quack, quack is cool.

I guess it's probably a big waste of time and there's no reason, no need to teach me, one kid, how to play hockey. It's a big waste of time.

Why are you kicking at the ground like that? You want me to say something else? That is insane. You'd get eaten alive out there. You're tiny.

Okay, I guess one 60-pound kid can't go out on the ice with a bunch of pads and play hockey even though a 60-pound kid could be pretty fast, could be pretty agile out there because he doesn't have a lot of mass slowing him down, could be pretty good at hockey.

Hey, you know what kid? I didn't think I could get two DUIs in one week, yet here I am. You're right, let's do it.

You got a DUI on the way over here, but they just let you come?

Yeah, they called it a hat on a hat. Can

It's like Devil Jeopardy.

We do this in a montage? Me motivating you? Or do you want to go through the whole thing step by step?

I'd like to go through the whole thing because I feel like a montage I'm not really gonna be getting anything out of it. That's more for like the viewer of this.

Okay, so let's run some drills in real time.

Cowards. Movies should start training in real time.

Erin, can I just say...

I think it was last episode, our 310TUM episode, we were talking about somebody trying to use a Hey Riddle Riddle JPC quote in their high school yearbook as their quote. I think kids should use the quote, if a bunch of kids yell, quack, quack, quack, that's cool. 2025 graduating class.

In high school, some member of my administration would legitimately say if it sounds like a duck, or if it quacks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it's a duck. Like all the time to justify like, you are, you know, I'm making this judgment call about you because of the way that you behave type of thing. And I think that is that from Mighty Ducks, the quack like a duck thing?

No, I think that's an old adage.

Either way, I thought it was very stupid.

But, you know.

That's funny.

Because in the Mighty Ducks, famously, if it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a 13-year-old in Minneapolis.

Yeah, a 13-year-old playing hockey, right? Like, yeah.

Don't shoot it.

Don't eat it. Joke's on you. You just ate a kid, dummy. What are you doing? Now you go to jail for eating a kid because you thought it was a duck.

Stupid. Quack, quack. Remember the knuckle puck?

No.

Dog treat. Error correcting filler word.

What dog treat era correcting filler word?

Biscuit. Biscuit-uh. Um. Treat-uh. Treat-us. Treat. Treat-us. Treat-us. Milkbone.

Milkboner.

Milkboner.

Bone? You got it.

Milkboner. Boner.

Boner.

Yeah, filler words.

I feel like er is the most underused of the filler words. That feels like a very John F. Kennedy impression filler word.

I remember when I was a freshman in college, I was a theater student. You remember 100 years ago? Come on. Come on. Shakespeare had just invented the stage. I was a freshman theater student. I was auditioning for my first show in college and there was some play where there was written E-H. So it was like I said some line and then it was like dot dot dot E-H. And I remember doing the read during the audition and I was like, maybe I should just go around back. Hey Riddle Casually, they just make the sound and you're like, oh, that's how you do just like... Yeah, you're just saying E-H.

Yes, but I was like... I guess I should go over to the deck. Yeah.

Yeah.

Boy, what an idiot I am.

I do think it's funny to see high school plays. The best part about seeing plays from people who are in high school or grade school is they are never playing characters that are in high school and grade school. They're playing like 40-year-olds. And it's like, this person looks like they are 15 years old and they're like, Playing a 40-year-old and they're saying stuff like, I guess I should go around back, yeah! And you're like, oh no.

I oftentimes think about when I saw a neighboring high school do guys and dolls and they had like the littlest The littlest freshman boy in old makeup singing, the more I cannot wish you than to wish you find your love. It's just a grandpa singing about how he hopes his granddaughter finds love one day. And I was like, that's the smallest child I have ever seen.

I think a friend of the show and previous guest, Becca Barish, I believe when she was in high school, she was cast as a pretty big part in Once on this Island, which is not... That never happened to me. Not a show kids should be doing.

I was not Ti Moune in Once on this Island.

Oh wait, was that you?

I don't want to talk about it.

Maybe it was you and not Becca.

Probably Becca.

There's probably someone else.

Anyways, fifth letter of the alphabet, last one before break, fifth letter of the alphabet in quiet contemplation. And these are flipped.

Fifth letter of the alphabet in quiet contemplation.

So it will end with the fifth letter of the alphabet.

Meditate-y.

Meditate-y.

Reflection-y.

This one's a hard word to get, I feel like.

Quiet contemplation?

But kind of serious. Zen.

Call me. Zine. The pasta. It is a food.

The word that we're finding at the end is a... Is a food? Someone who's stoic and serious.

Oh, spaghetti.

No, don't go spaghetti.

No.

Quiet.

Serious.

Monotoney.

Macaroni.

No.

Monotoney Macaroni.

Monotoney Macaroni is the title of this episode.

He invented the radio, right?

This is also... it sounds like a guy's name. That's like in the Bible.

Monotoney Macaroni sounds like a Casey Toney character. Gotti? No. John Gotti.

I'm just gonna tell you and then we're gonna go on break. Okay?

No, Erin, act it. Describe the food. Help describe the food.

It would have been from last episode in that meat house.

Prosciutto-y. Yeah, what else is on that block? Salami. Yeah. Salam. Solemn.

Yes. Solemn plus E. Yes.

That was a name from the Bibble.

Let's go on a break. Well, well, well, well. Nice try, JPC.

What do you mean, nice try? I stuck you in a well. I did everything I wanted to do.

Yes, you also thought I would be subscribed to your silly little insult-a-week subscription that I signed up for the free trial of several months ago. But guess who caught it for me? Dang! Rocket money. They are a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills, all so that you can grow your savings. Nice try, J-P-C.

Adal, you're still subscribed to JPC's Weekly Sneeze, right?

Oh yeah, and I love last week's that was like, wait till next week, you're gonna get it. So good.

Dude, so good. Love to keep them waiting.

But I also am subscribed to Rocket Money's service. No! Sorry, it's just that Rocket Money will even try and negotiate lower bills for you, up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with the customer service for you. I hate dealing with customer service.

And for everyone that keeps requesting JPC's Weekly Sneeze sends you a copy of the bill, I said we don't do anything on paper. We can't have records for any of this stuff. So that's why there is no bill.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features.

But you don't have to use all the features. Like, for instance, if they say, hey, why don't you cancel JPC's weekly sneeze? You're not getting anything from it. The title doesn't make any sense. Is a sneeze an insult to him? Like, what does this even mean? So you can, like, if that's like a notification that pops up, you can just, like, ignore, like, silence, or be like, actually, I really do want this. It's, like, very valuable to me for the weekly sneeze. It actually does make sense, because a sneeze is, like, an insult in some cultures.

Wait, Rocket Money is saying that this is $250 a week?

That's weekly. It's a weekly. Anyway, stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions, not GPC's weekly sneeze, by going to RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle.

I choose you to subscribe to this newsletter? I got that one off a Valentine's card. That's actually pretty good.

Resubscribe. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Hey everyone, before you get upset, just know that Erin Keif has been cast as Destiny Tarot, the new American Girl doll. We're not sure what that means, if she'll be in the movies, if she'll be packaged up herself, but we're so happy for her and the next step in her career.

Yeah, it's very unclear. We all read the same email. It didn't really delineate between would this be something that is done on a, you know, a Hollywood set where there would be cameras or would this be done in a factory where they seal her into plastic and then use those little ties to hold her arms and neck to the box. We don't know. It's, you know, we all have the same information.

We all have the same information and we all have the same website that we built with Squarespace. We assume you can go to erinsdestiny.something.

We actually don't remember what the website is right now, but it's not important because we use Squarespace to build it, and it's the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether we're just starting out or managing a growing brand, which we assume this Erin American Girl doll thing is going to be a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all On our terms, and not entirely our terms, because again, we're kind of the American Doll Corporation. We're kind of at their mercy a little bit with what they choose to let us include.

Big doll. Swings a mighty big hammer. But with Squarespace, you can check out even video collections, which Erin has posted. You can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful I think there's some takes of Erin trying to get into character as Destiny Tarot. I think she's like a psychic American Girl doll, which is kind of fun. It's like an X-Men, maybe?

Yeah, and unclear how much character she needs or if she just needs to be very still for a long period of time. But no matter what she does, Squarespace always has you covered with flexible payments. They make checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools. You can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in eligible countries, offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay.

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And remember to check out erinisdestiny.american.girls slash website real and real is an all caps. I kid you not you have to do it at allcaps.com.

Congratulations, Erin. We're so happy for you.

Hey Adal, sorry to barge in here. Can you get off your Helix Sleep mattress for just a second? I know you look pretty deep asleep.

I'm so comfortable asleep. Yeah, what's up man?

So, um, you know, Erin's obviously not here. Uh, we just got another email from the American, um, girl, doll, uh, people. Apparently there was a mix-up with the email, the first email, and I didn't want Erin to know about this. They were emailing, um, Erin Rogers. They wanted Erin Rogers to be, uh, Destiny, the American girl, just because of some of the things that he's, you know, publicly stated and stuff like that. Oh, sure.

Yeah. Has Erin Keif thrown for 1,500 yards a season or?

She's gotten close. Anyway, I don't know how to break it to her and I don't also want to break it to her because I can see her, you know, over there in the corner sleeping on her Helix Sleep mattress and we all know we love Helix Sleep on the show and Erin is no exception. Erin actually even got her Helix Sleep mattress shipped straight to her door free of charge and all she had to do was take a brief quiz on the Helix Sleep website to get matched with her perfect mattress type.

Oh yeah, Gemma and I have a Midnight Luxe, which, JPG, you're sitting on right now. Gemma's asleep, and the cats also love it. They all like to crawl in here and relax. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including their award-winning Luxe and Ultra Premium Elite collections, and the Helix Plus, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers.

I think that both applies to Aaron Rodgers. I just assume all football players are humongous, so I don't know. And hey, speaking of your spine being pretty messed up, if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you covered. Every Helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top. It's the perfect combination of comfort and support.

But don't take our word for it, even though you really should. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress pick by GQ and Wired Magazine. It is even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. And man, Erin Keif is really, really tuckered out there. She is deep sleep.

Yeah, she's asleep and hopefully she doesn't sleep for 10 or 15 years, but that would be okay because Helix mattresses all come with a 10 or 15 year warranty depending on the model. But right now, Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Just go to helixsleep.com slash riddle. That's helixsleep.com slash riddle. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

Oh, Erin pinned a note to her shirt. It says, wake me up when September ends.

Okay. She's, she's pretty deep. She's pretty deep in it right now.

Which September? Hey Erin, I need to go to the bathroom, but I don't know how to say bathroom.

Hmm.

What is it?

What is it? What is it? Please help. You know what you need? Babble.

Yeah, you need babble because I only speak, well, I speak English obviously not well. Um, and then I speak a JPC language, but you don't need to go to like a JPC bathroom, right?

Oh, that's like pigeon squawks or something? Don't worry about it. Well, do worry about Babbel, getting Babbel that is, because it is the best way to learn a language. You know, other than immersion, like living in a country for 10 years or whatever, but I don't have time for that.

Yeah, you don't. You do not have another 10 years. I didn't want to be the one to bring it up, but since you brought it up, you just don't have... I mean, there's just no way you slice it. You have 10 years. I don't have 10 years. Erin, you might have.

You might have nine more. It's a science-backed language learning app that actually works. You don't have to pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language.

That's Babbel you're talking about, of course. Yeah, of course. And one in five Americans have learn a new language on their bucket list. Of course, I have mine and time's running out. If that's you, like it is for me, make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babbel.

Yeah, Babbel is also designed by real people for real conversations. And its quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. And some of us don't even have three weeks left. So, I mean, some of us are really white-knuckling. Why is everybody looking at me?

And I'm just not even saying who. So in your last three weeks, you can, like, order food or ask for directions or tell people that you love them and that they meant a lot to you.

Or to go to the JPC bathroom, or as we call it...

Babbel does not sponsor JPC Talk. No, you have to get that from me.

It got banned from the app.

Straight from the horse's mouth. And Babbel has over 60 million horses, sorry, Babbel has over 60 million subscriptions sold, plus all of Babbel's 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee.

Here is a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash riddle. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash riddle, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E. Rules and restrictions may apply.

I don't have to use the bathroom anymore.

Squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk. I'm beautiful.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Attention all parishioners, please help me welcome to the dais your priest, Adal Rifai!

Glowsticks, glowsticks, glowsticks, glowsticks. Ow! Oh, I'm healed. How's everybody doing? Incense bomb. I can't hear you. How's everybody doing? Catholic. Does anybody here have sin? Boo! Raise the roof.

They should let me do church. I can do it fun. I can do fun church. I always got in trouble going to Catholic school doing fun church. I would do fun church and cut to me with a cult of people. Yeah, this is a really fun church. It seems like we're giving you all of our money and wives.

Let's not pass a collection plate.

Yeah, it's fun for me. Let's pass a mix CD. Write a song on it.

And then put some money on the mix CD.

Yeah, put some money on the mix CD.

We're still doing these Mackenzie riddles. Sound of a Bell, Cinderella Mouse.

Ringus.

Ringus. Different sound of a bell. Dingus. You fucking dingus.

Wow. Ring-a-ding-ding-us.

Discard from one's life. Boring.

What was the first part?

Discard from one's life. Boring.

Throw hole.

I'm getting... Trashed.

Discarded. I'm getting rid. Rid.

Boring.

I'm getting rid.

No, it's not. It's just RID. RID?

Yeah, but then you said boring, right?

Boring. Yeah.

But RID's the first part, right? Yeah.

Boring. RID snooze. RIDdle. RIDdle. RIDdle.

The name of our show.

Wait, are they saying our show is boring? Why? Just because it takes us 15 minutes to start an episode? Starting the episode is actually the hardest part. Hey, GPC, come here. Middle's hard too.

Finishing is really bad. Hey, come here. Yeah.

Ow! Ow!

Yeah. Oh, God, why is... I don't want to know, actually. He has cactus spikes in his back at all.

Doctor says I have extra spines back there.

Okay. Um, I'm just saying, we don't have to, you know, you actually, this is relevant to you too. Come here. Come here guys. Yeah.

Yeah.

You don't have to defend this. We don't have to die on the hill. Okay.

Like, come on, we have to at least try. No.

Erin, Erin, I just, um, I just, while we were talking just now, I just went on Zillow and bought a old church to make a fun church.

Okay.

That's how committed I am.

We're a sneeze away from being a cult, Adal.

There's an old church in my neighborhood that is for sale. We could buy an old church. If we could pivot this whole thing into a religion though, Erin, I mean, come on. That's where the devotion is.

This comes up like once a month, and that's just a lot of work. And then who would be the father, the son, the holy ghost?

How much would you like to be a virgin, Erin? Definitely the holy ghost. That's myself. That's myself. Adal, how would you like to be a virgin?

I just didn't wake up thinking that JPC this morning would say, Erin, how much would you like to be a virgin again? Who's the father, who's the son, and who's the Holy Ghost? And then I'll agree to your dumb little religion.

I'm the only father on this show, so obviously I have to be the father. I can't be the virgin, because people would see my seed, and they'd point to my progeny, and they'd say, I call bullshit.

Oh, what if we do, instead of baptize, what if we bop-tize people, where they get dunked in water but it's to their favorite song?

Oh my God.

Let's get people baptized. If you email hrrpodcasts at gmail.com, if you want to be baptized, which song?

We should do this, guys. This is the part they're going to play in the documentary. I just put it down. HBO in four years, they're going to play this and they go, some cults start on a podcast and it's us. Our voices right now are on the documentary.

And people get the confirmation, it's just a read. We just line them up and we're like, big teeth, bad hair.

And that's just one person.

That's one person.

That's Walter Goggins. Uh-huh.

What are we doing? Riddles.

Yeah. When do we want them?

Now! No one answered my father-son Holy Ghost question, so I'm not in.

Does anybody have Sid? Boo! Booing Sid.

Casey, would you, if we started a cult, would you... Edit it? Like, would you be sort of like one of our, like, would you join us? One of our first joiners? Casey's charm is pulling people in?

I will only, I will only accept Commander who is the first to die in a shootout with the cops. Oh, OK, first of all, I want a position of power, but you can end me early.

OK, Janet did apply for that position, but nobody's dying.

OK, Casey, for you, I'm thinking more like you're like sitting in a chair and you're like, my leg, my knees hurt so bad I can't really stand up. And then JPC like touches like your like puts his finger in your ear and then suddenly you can walk.

Hold on, let me load up sexy saxophone before you finish the rest of what you're talking about.

Well, it's implied. Sexy saxophone is implied.

Yeah, we'll give positions of power to like Sandy, Arnie, Parrot, Janet, Casey. Of course, all your favorites are going to be in the cult.

All the classics. I think it would also, yeah, Dr. Chameleon will be there in the cult. I think it'd be very funny to start a cult. Like we're like, we're no illusions about what this is. This is a cult. It's a cult of personalities. That's it. It's not a church. It's not like a gathering. It's not a community. It's a cult.

And Church of Riddles sounds too weird like chittles or like what's a good?

Chittles as well.

I saw the chittles work through Aaron as they entered into me and I I think I still have the chittles. I think... Roach? Roach? Is that something?

I got the chittles. I can't go out. I can't go to the movies. I got the chittles. Okay, we have to do riddles.

You get shivers from eating too many skittles?

If we're gonna... We need a foundation of riddles for this cult. Okay. Underworld encounter.

Hell meet. Hellscape. Hell... Is hell right? Underworld.

Underworld.

Hell is right.

Encounter.

Hell... I... Hell meet up. Hell... Hell meet cute. Hell... It's an encounter... Helmet. Helmet.

Helmet. Helmet. Yes, helmet.

Helmet.

Yes.

Helmet.

Helmet.

Helmet stranger.

I'd like to see a scene. You are two people who just crashed your bikes into each other by accident. And it was clear that one of you was wearing a helmet and one of you was not. And you can decide in the scene.

Oh, my schwin. Oh man, my whole shit is busted up. Hey man, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you okay? I think I'm okay. God, the impact must have knocked both of our helmets off.

Knocked both of our helmets off? We were both wearing helmets, right?

Yeah, I mean, now obviously we're not wearing helmets, but I think it's just because the helmet protected us and then it got knocked off in the crash.

Yeah, oh, wait, look, right in between our bikes there's a big pool of blood. So, before you touch the back of your head and confirm who's bleeding, we should try and figure this mystery out. Which of us started bleeding?

Well, first of all, there, obviously in the big pool of blood, is a helmet.

A big helmet.

Yeah, and so I had a red helmet. Do you know what color your helmet was?

Red. Well, it was like a dark magenta.

Yeah, it's like a sticky red. Like an off magenta. Yeah, this helmet's all covered in blood, so we can't really tell whose helmet it was. Can't really deduce from that. Okay. It's the only helmet I see, so it's one of our helmets.

Yeah. Oh, well, the helmet's held on by chin straps, so... Do either of us have, like, you feel like you just wore a chin strap? You know that feeling when you take off a helmet and you're like, oh, the chin strap was really bothering me.

Yep, yep, yep. I have that sensation. I have that sensation, but it could just be that I got hit in the neck by the handlebars of my bike when I came off. Here's the thing. Helmet head. Right? Like helmet hair? You got helmet hair? Yeah. Well, we're both bald. Both bald guys.

We're both sort of Charlie Browning it.

Okay, I mean, there's got to be a way to figure out whose helmet this was. We're very disoriented, so that's why it's hard for us to think, obviously, because we got the big head-on bike collision.

Maybe a name written on the inside of the helmet?

Yes, a name written on the inside of the helmet. Okay, so we just turn the helmet upside down.

Okay, it says Mark. My name is Steven. What's your name?

My name's also Stephen.

Yeah, but Mark's a good name.

But Mark's a good name!

That's the first name I think of.

I would, yeah, my first, my gut would say go to Mark as well.

My gut would say go to Mark.

Hey, sorry, maybe I should mind my business, but you should go to the hospital.

Oh. Oh my god, this is embarrassing for you. We're ghosts.

Yeah, we have to, we died and we have to relive this moment.

We died in a bike crash here like, I don't know, like a hundred years ago.

And now we have to start over, so thanks.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. What did I say? Mark? Mark, is this your helmet? Yes. Well, it's covered in ghost blood.

All right, we're going to do some more from Mackenzie. Perfect. Mackenzie is carrying us through this episode. Do you feel Mackenzie's presence getting us?

Yes. It takes a village. It takes a Mackenzie.

I will say that I feel Mackenzie's fingers, but it doesn't feel like they're holding a lot of weight. I wouldn't call what Mackenzie's doing to me carrying. I don't dislike it, but I don't especially like it.

Terse acknowledgement, male hoofed animal. I would say maybe the most irritating response to a text that you can get. Terse acknowledgement.

Thumbs up. Thumbs up.

No, that's annoying.

Hey Riddle Riddle

So a ram. A goat. A boar. A bison.

You're getting close. Definitely something you don't want in your store, breaking glass.

Cable? Cable!

Cable! Yes, bull. I would like to see a scene. Adal, you own a fine china shop, and JBC, you are a bull. We might have done this scene like four years ago. Does anyone else have deja vu right now? It doesn't matter. Well now I do. JPC, if someone can find that scene, I will give you a high five. No one can find it. JPC, you are a bull going to the china shop and you're a little bit annoyed that Adal seems like prejudging you for how you're going to behave in the store.

Got it.

Can I help you with anything? I'm just browsing.

I'm just browsing. Can I bring you plates?

I can hold them up for you and you can...

Honestly, it's my wedding anniversary coming up.

I'm just trying to... Congratulations.

Thank you so much. I'm just trying to find something that I think my partner would like. Is your wife a cow? I'm sorry? Is your wife a cow? Yes, not that it's any of your business, but my wife is a cow.

Yes. Something milk for free. What did you just say to me? It's just an expression, something something milk for free. It's actually written on this. This is from the 1700s. Now this is a beautiful pearl inlay and it comes with a matching tea set as well as cutlery.

If you don't mind, I mean, I appreciate the hard sell. I understand that you work on commission. You're trying to set off on this. I'm just going to kind of walk around the place, look at the stuff that I kind of want to look at.

One day I install red curtains.

Okay, oh, what's behind? Oh, okay, so I'm assuming behind the red curtain is some of the naughtier China? Let me just scrape my hooves back on the ground and get a little bit closer to that red curtain. Okay!

Oh, and I will have to, since you've ripped those curtains down, I will have to, um... Well, I know you probably don't pay in cash. I mean, bowls usually charge, right? Visa?

Bullshit! No, can I use your bathroom? I, uh, I have to do a, uh, I have to do a, uh, bullshit.

Common file compression format for each, respectively.

PDF.

MP3 party. MP3 share.

Erin, can you read it one more time?

Common file compression format.

WAV.

Erin's picking up some soup. Zip. Zip. A zip.

I am not picking up some soup. I'm a better at object work than that. Zipperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Hi, is this the Iowa Theater in Chicago? To whom am I speaking?

Sharna's dog.

Sharna's dog. Okay, so Sharna doesn't work there anymore, but Sharna's dog is due. Can you put a human on the phone for me, buddy?

Adal doing an absolutely brutal Stephen Plotkin impression right now.

He would like that. I think he would laugh at that.

Congratulations Steve, the Artistic Director of Ayo.

He's great.

He's great.

He's wonderful. I got nothing but good things to say about him.

I would actually like to call... I'm going to call back until I get my money back, so... Erin, why don't you just deal with this the way any normal person would, which is go to... More improv classes? Go to chittle. And take, I want to say, communion?

No! Ugh! God! Oh God! No! No!

No!

No! No!

Please, anything but this! No! I've reached my limit! I'm done! No!

Erin, hold on. You didn't hear what communion was. It's where one at a time you go up in front of the church and you listen to a pig orgasm for 30 minutes. And then you return to your seat and you reflect on your beliefs.

My soul has left my body and I'll never get it back. My soul has left my body and I'll never get it back. No, no, no! All of my least favorite Hey Riddle Riddle things are falling from the ceiling! Help me!

Help me! Erin, your topic is communion. Do whatever you think is fair with it.

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, this is fun. Erin, this is fun.

You guys, you just let that happen to me? You just let the laugh- Church is fun.

Church is fun again.

Church is fun. Church is fun again.

Why did I not go to church for so long? This is fun.

Oh, guys, I'm really... I'm at the... I'm... It's happening. The thing that can happen to me sometimes in these episodes is happening. Thank God we're almost done. But then we have another episode after this. Then we're recording a Patreon.

It sounds like the Virgin Erin is going to have to work one of her famous miracles.

Erin, for the Patreon it's going to be improvised chittles.

No, I have a broken... I broke. It's broken. It's broken. My brain's broken.

It's broken!

Oh no!

You mean your attic meat? Your attic meat is spoiled?

Something just... something just happened to me.

Erin, you can get us back on track, right? Why not some more riddles, huh? Huh?

Erin's eyes right now look like the non-verbal hyena from Lion King.

So I'm okay. I'm at my stasis.

She's fine.

Remember when we went over who everyone would be in those trios, in like famous trios, and we thought we would all be him? Yeah. And I think we're... Ooh, I am lightheaded. Ooh. Uh-oh. That screaming actually made me kind of faint.

Erin, have a cigarette.

Away from the middle, ambulation.

Jimmy Eat World Run?

Emulation would be like a walk.

Away from the middle.

Away from the middle. Separate. Edge. Edge walk.

Another word for edge.

Corner. Rim. Rim walk.

But what's a word? Something walk. Border.

Border walk. Out on the border walk. What's a river walk?

I'm going to go to this.

Taxi. She's zipping up soup. She's zipping up soup.

How many does a triangle have? How many?

Side. Sidewalk. Sidewalk. Sidewalk. Sidewalk.

You know when you record Hey Riddle Riddle and you scream so hard and you scare your neighbors and then you feel like you're going to faint and you've got to lay down?

How many does a triangle have?

I would love if there's like a SWAT team at your door and you're like, no, no, no, sorry for the alarm. I was just recording a RiddlePod. Erin, do you need to take a break?

I just need to breathe one second. I should take a sip of my Gatorade.

Are they a sponsor?

The side of my vision is white.

Erin, honestly, before you take a sip, we prefer water because I don't think Gatorade is a sponsor.

Yeah, and water gives us a lot of money.

Well, in the Fudge Church, Erin, in Chittle, we turn water into Gatorade. It's the best one.

No.

Oh, it's the best one.

No. By far. The second that becomes room temp, when it's ice ice cold, the first sip of that is good. And then the second, the cucumber one, becomes room temp, you feel like you're drinking a melted popsicle or like spa water and you feel sick.

Spa water sounds delicious.

What is spa water? Is spa water like the water out of the pool or like the water they give you at a spa?

That's the same water, idiot.

It's delicious. Oh, I thought it was the water that you cook spaghetti in. Horrify a messenger of Odin.

Scare Crow. Scare Thor.

Yes. Scare Crow. We have three more and then maybe we get to a voicemail.

Mugging and hugging.

But I don't know if I asked Casey to upload one, so who knows.

Maybe we get to a voicemail. You're holding this over me like a sword of Demi-Crow.

Everyone's MySpace friend missing a couple of digits.

Tom. Finger and thumb. Tom.

That's the pervert that lives next door.

Missing a couple of digits. I wouldn't call it He Does Livin'. TomClub?

TomTomClub? That's a really good joke. I'm sorry. Sometimes you gotta give it up to a great joke.

Missing some digits. Is Tom, Tom is the guy, right?

Yeah, Tom.

The MySpace guy? Okay.

And then how many, but remember earlier we called digits, we used the word digits for our... Toe.

TomToe.

But when you're missing a couple of those, you have how many?

Tomate. Tomato.

Tomatoes.

Tomatoes.

Tom ate toes.

Eight toes.

Oh, two. Okay.

I wouldn't call what he does being a pervert. I mean, Tom ate toes. I guess he sucked them so hard he ate a couple. Wow.

Punch, disgusted, exclamation.

I suck them so hard I eat a couple.

I'm going to start screaming again. I'm going to start screaming again, you guys.

What was it, Erin?

Say that again. Punch, disgusted, exclamation.

Punch, disgusted. Jab you?

Wow.

Jab you, walkies? It's like old-timey punch. Clock.

To clean somebody's clock, an old-timey punch, a roundhouse.

I'm going to... It's a name of like an insect bug.

Oh, praying mantis.

No, salt kills them.

Slug. Slug.

What was the second part? Disgusted exclamation.

Slug you. Slug. Barf.

Slug. This is more like sort of. The way I'd get you to get this.

Slug meh.

Yeah. Slug meh. Slug. When you're feeling... Ish. Yeah. Sluggish. Wait. Street dimple. Last one.

Ish is a disgusted exclamation? Street dimple.

Lay me down six feet underground.

Is that them? Street Dimple. That would be... Oh, that's Sneaker Pimps. Road Cheek.

No.

Street Dimple. Street Dimple.

You get these in your car. If someone hits your car.

Dent. Harvey Dent.

Rodent. Okay. Rodent. I've never had to crawl to the finish line of being Old Man Puzzles more in my life. Those were from Mackenzie. My name's Erin. I'm on a Riddle podcast. That's JPC. That's Adal. Casey, do we have a voicemail theme?

Erin, hold up today's newspaper so people know that you're still enjoying the podcast.

Oh my God. World War II ended.

Wow, that sounded a lot like, do you remember that band 303? Oh yeah, yeah. I think Katy Perry was on it.

That was famously phenomenal. I love that it has a title, which is a synth wave by Morgan ... Okay, what did we think of this last name, how to pronounce this? W-I-S-H-E-A-R-T. So it's like- Wishart. It seems like it should be Wishart, but there'd be two H's if it was Wishart. Wishart. Wishart? Wishart? They're from New Zealand, from a place I cannot pronounce in New Zealand, but thank you, Morgan. Wichert? Is it from Wichert? Yeah, they're from Wichert. Wichert, New Zealand. Can't pronounce it. And we did love it. Casey, do we have a voicemail?

Hey, this is Jeremy from Dallas. Question for Adal. Everybody in the world obviously gets a gift from Santa on Christmas, but since he's your uncle, do you get two? Do you get the Santa gift and also, like, Great question, Jeremy.

Wow. So if I'm understanding this right, Jeremy, it boils down to what does Uncle Santa gift you?

You guys, we broke them. We broke these listeners. They just wanted a Riddle podcast. And now they're asking questions like this.

They'll take what they're given. So we all know what Uncle Santa gifts us because that's like the presents from Santa. But this is Uncle Santa is canonically your uncle, also Adal. So you get two presents from Uncle Santa, correct?

Yes, it's almost exclusively life advice while he's drunk. Actually, if I could, let me just... The best kind of uncle present is life advice. If I actually, let's see here, if I dunk a brownie in some Johnny Walker blue label under the fireplace, he'll actually...

Ho, ho, ho, ho, did someone just ruin a brownie? Hey, Uncle Santa. Hi, Uncle Santa. Attaboy, Erin. And of course, where's your fringe JPC?

Dead.

He's hiding, you scare him.

Dead. I killed him.

Well, that's great news. I love it when women take the initiative.

Uncle Santa, somebody was asking me what kind of gifts you usually give me for Christmas, and I was saying you usually give, like, weird, drunk life advice. Do you mind kind of sharing sort of your whole deal, like, the kind of advice that you give?

Well, Adal, it's not Christmas yet, but I guess if you want me to give you an early Christmas present, that could be arranged. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, first, uh, if I'm giving you a present, I have to give one to everyone. Erin, here's a present for you.

It's moving. Do I have to take this?

It's your virginity.

Oh God. I don't want that.

Wow, Erin. That must be nice. You can always return it. It's from Sears.

Of course it is. Fuck you. Of course it is. I hate you Uncle Santa.

Sears news. Logan is keep it toit.

Wait. I just realized something. We're joking like you guys don't think I'm a virgin. You guys think I... I am a virgin. I've never lost my virginity.

Well, Uncle Santa's gotta hit the road.

Uncle Santa, sit. You sit. Everyone thinks they know what I've done. Everybody sit.

Oh, so that's why you can't do the splits.

Oh God.

Anyway, the reindeer are calling.

No, they're not. I hear nothing. I hear nothing. You stay till the end of the episode. You sit. You think about what you did. You think.

Okay, I guess I'll... And then, Adal, your gift is you pull my finger, I guess.

No, don't. Don't. It's a fart. It's a fart, Adal. Oh, it came off.

Oh, he wants me to eat it. He wants me to eat his finger.

Perfect. It was supposed to be a fart, but you might as well eat that.

What you're doing is not living.

Okay, so... Uncle Ninefingers.

Adal, do you have anything to plug?

Logan Ninefingers.

Um, I would plug having, um, Uncle Santa as your uncle. I think it's, I mean, it's, it's, I don't know. It's interesting. I guess it's a... Yeah, it's interesting. Ho ho. Topic of conversation. I also very much want to plug Chittles. This is our new church of riddles. It's going to be fun. Okay. This ain't your dad's church. All right. This is a fun church.

Oh, I'd love to be a deacon if it could be arranged.

Um, yeah, actually, Santa as a deacon would be... Uncle Santa as a deacon, I think, would be a huge selling point.

Freaking on my deacon.

So many churches shy away from bringing Santa into the fold. I think this would be revolutionary. If our scripture included Santa, I think this is great. Because Santa's probably short for, like, Saint-anta or something.

You got Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Book of Santa.

And if you're watching this on the documentary that's coming out on Macs in six years, I'd also like to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. Lots of fun stuff happening over there. Go check out a 7-day free trial, then leave forever. We just want you to come hang out. Just hang out.

Uncle Santa, anything you wanna promote?

Oh, what do I like? I love that Bill Budd's podcast. Big fan of Johnny O'Mara! Ho ho ho. What about JPC? Eh. What? Little loud for my taste.

See, this is why he hides when you're- I told you, Uncle, you can't- Hey! You can't be rude to people's faces.

It's okay not to like everyone. I certainly know that there's some people out in the world that don't like me.

Yeah, and you do have your horny or not list.

I'm never on the not part. Alright, let's read a review, shall we? Here's a review from Gath875. It says, three stars, it's okay. Very funny bit because it was a five-star review. I will always read the ones where you shit on the show as long as you give it five stars.

JPC, I'm so sorry he did your part. We can edit it out or something.

What are you talking to? Who are you talking to?

I thought he died. JPC, no, he's behind the couch.

He's hiding from you.

He's behind the couch? Don't throw the couch.

Let me get behind that couch!

Ho ho ho forever.

I think that was a very normal, very calm, very good episode. It was steady throughout, no peaking of the volume.

Hey there Aces and Faces, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Name That Tune, not really, 90s edition. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and you get those ad free episodes and, you know, review crew episodes. I guess I never really mentioned that you also get review crew episodes where we like review stuff. It's like a monthly episode. They're fun. Anyway, see you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.