Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Adaline GPC.

Oh, Erin, you're glowing.

What's happening? You might notice that I'm in a good mood today. I'm feeling super creative. My mood's good. My focus is right here with you two. I'm feeling very present. Want to know why?

I mean, it's probably Schedule 35, right? Yeah, it's nothing we did. It's gotta be Schedule 35.

Yeah, it's definitely nothing you guys did. It is Schedule 35!

Yeah, you don't have to say it like that. But yeah, Schedule 35 is a Canadian-based startup that ships across Canada and the U.S. and their mission is to educate and enrich lives with deeper meaning and a better sense of self through micro-dosing psilocybin products.

Studies have shown, Erin, I'm sure you've heard this, that psilocybin works by creating new neural networks in the brain which help boost focus, creativity, mood enhancement, and help fight addiction.

I love the tea, especially the mango dragonfruit. It's perfect. Had a little microdose.

Erin, if you love the tea, sit down and let me tell you about yourself. Just kidding, I don't totally know what that means. But I do know that Schedule 35 ships all across Canada and the U.S. and is the most notable brand currently operating in the space. All products come with guides that make microdosing easy, and all customers need to be age verified. So once you're age verified, 19 plus in Canada and 21 plus in the U.S., you're going to receive an invite code. And so for all the products and to get your invite code, Visit www.schedule35.co. That's just dot C-O.

And Erin, since you've been microdosing, I hooked you up with a date tonight. It's Micro Mike.

Hi. Hi Erin, it's me, Micro Mike, and I'd love to dose you on a date. I'm sorry, I'm nervous. Don't wait up. Oh, we won't wait up for Erin and you don't need to wait up for us. So get 15% off with code RIDDLE at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule3535.co and use code RIDDLE.

Oh, Erin. Oh, I just sneezed and your date went flying.

That's okay.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Rid

I never found out what the ace stood for. Asshole. We're calling an asshole meeting. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

This is why we had to fire him is because we were talking to him like this and we knew that was going to come.

So we had to fire him? Yeah. Oh, because we knew what it would lead to. Yeah, for sure.

Come, come in, come in. Oh yeah, cool. File in, file in. I wanted to call this meeting because I'm feeling a little, I'm feeling a little hurt, getting a little perturbed.

Oh, immediately turns my head to JPC.

What'd you do, buddy? Big smile, takes a big sip of my cup of water.

I didn't know we had a conference room. Nobody told me we had a conference room. Look around. This is gorgeous.

Yeah, we just assumed you wouldn't want to use it because you know how usually you record in bed like a Victorian sickly child?

Yes, I'm familiar. I try to live my life like that.

You know how we trained a cat to walk on two legs and spoon feed you medicine?

Adal, everyone knows these things. This is canon. We don't need to repeat ourselves.

There's photos all over the web. We just assumed you would never come into the Hey Riddle offices. So the conference room has, you know, been set up for a while.

Why is everybody calling my goon cave a conference room? What does this mean? What is a conference room?

No, just because you put tape over conference room and write goon cave on it doesn't make it a goon cave, JPC. You can't just declare these things.

Look, we all know what makes it a goon cave, okay? We're just not going to say it. Goons! We're going to let people Google it if they know. Yeah, goons. Uh oh. I don't want to Google this.

Okay, when Mr. Whiskers was feeding me in bed this morning, He was talking about how we have a conference room, and I went, wait, we have, what else do we have? He told me we have a gym, he told me we have a smoothie bar here at Hey Riddle Riddle, he listed all the amenities that I haven't been using, and you guys haven't even been, you didn't even bring it up to me that we had all these things.

Knock knock, my ears are burning, did someone call for Jim?

No, you're fired.

Oh, Erin. This, what?

No, you can't fire Jim's smoothie bar! He's the only thing keeping this place together!

No, I guess I saw this coming. Okay. Can I at least say that I quit?

We'd love to. We'd love to let you do that, but then you can't file for unemployment. So we have to fire you.

Okay.

We just love paying those premiums, baby.

All I'm saying is I just want to feel like I'm equal part of this. And if we have all these amenities, somebody shoot me an email. Someone shoot me a text. Tell Mr. Whiskers to let me know when he's giving me my morning feed. Come on, guys.

Adal, we have been coddling her a little too much. I mean, with the Mr. Whiskers thing.

No, keep coddling me. That's not what I'm saying. Are you listening?

Well, Erin, I mean, you've certainly figured this out by now, but Mr. Whiskers is just Adal in a cat costume.

I just put on a cat costume and I spoon-feed you medicine. I come off as a cat because I can't see very well and I keep bumping into things.

I know this, but I really like the ruse, I like the game we're playing, so please don't pop the bubble of that for me.

Okay, no, so Mr. Whiskers exists and it's not Adalinda Cat Costume, which by the way he keeps getting stuck in, and it's a big resource drain on the podcast every time he gets stuck in one of those cat costumes.

Every time we record an ad he gets stuck in a cat costume.

If we're really kind of coming clean here, this isn't a conference room. We are sitting in JPC's bathtub right now. Let me just rip down the curtain here.

Okay, that makes sense by the way that we're all sitting in here.

And speaking of coming clean, you guys better get out of this bathtub. I'm JPC and you can't say that I'm in a bathtub and say coming clean without knowing where we're gonna end up.

This is a Riddle Podcast. Everyone just gasped. What a heel. Remember? Oops All Heels. It's a podcast of three heels. And that's what we are. That's our branding.

Speaking of, where was it? Did you guys see it was a little while ago, there was a commencement speech at some college I think it was the Ohio University or University of Ohio and they got some, just some like kind of like crypto grifter guy to do the commencement speech that no one had ever heard of. Casey is typing. Crypto grifter is a great term. Casey is from OSU and the guy brought up Bitcoin at some point during the presentation and I heard the audio of it. Oh no! Casey knew someone who graduated there this year. And anyway, that guy talked for like 12 minutes, and he led people in a kind of Navy SEALs breathing exercise, but he also mentioned Bitcoin at some point during the commencement speech, and you could just hear a stadium full of people going, buuuuh. It's very funny.

I'm so excited to watch that. I'd actually like to see a scene.

Oh, okay. Wow. What the fuck? I know. I can't. I haven't even had my big cup of water. I surprised myself.

Don't talk to me until I've had my big cup of water. JPC, I would like to see a scene, and it's J.P. Riddles giving a college commencement speech.

Oh, wow. First thing on the podcast, and it's J.P. Riddles. Thank you so much, Erin. Well, settle down, settle down, settle down, settle down. God, there's a lot of nieces and nephews out here. Shut up. Shut up, all of you. Put your hats down. Throw your tassels away. Sit in your seats. Sit in your seats. All right, it's old J.P. Riddles here, and I wanted to tell you, you all did a really great job at... What do they do? Graduate college? Why? Well, that aside, you bunch of morons who all spent $80,000, or as I like to call it, $60,000. That's right, the squirrel dollar is strong! Invest now if you can, if you can find it. And I have to go on all those crypto exchanges, and no, I don't mean on the online, I mean the cryptozoology exchanges where you meet with groups of sasquatches and mothmen and exchange their various currencies. Get off of me! Nobody touch me for the whole time I'm up here! Alright, what was I eating? What was I eating? Oh yes, bark. Okay. As you make your way out in the world, I want you all to remember three simple rules for dating my teenage daughter. Hold on! What am I reading? I'm reading one of my... I'm reading one of my goddamn swan-loves books. Can I curse on this motherfucker? No. Yeah, Jamie. No, I'm hearing no. I'm seeing no from most of the people in the audience. Alright, it's okay. J.P. Riddles usually keeps it pretty PG-13. That means I can show a little bit of boobs. Spider bugs? There's spider bugs in the stadium? All right everybody, tuck your socks into your pants and eat the rest of your bark because if those spider bugs get anywhere near it, that stuff is going to spoil. I'm talking S-P-O-I-W-L-E. Spoil.

Alright, I see a show of hands. We're about to enter the workforce. Do you have any sort of practical advice for us? Ah, you're about to enter a workhorse.

Well, it's going to be hard having a horse as a boss, but first of all, there's two things that you've got to know when you've got a horse as a boss. One, don't touch their teeth. They do not like when people touch their teeth, even if you're trying to get an apple out of it that they hadn't eaten yet. Second, never fall in love with your horse boss. It's a complicated relationship of power dynamics, and remember, you ride the horse, not the other way around. Alright, well if that's all the time I have and I'm being told it's not, I'll collect my $50,000, $35,000, the squirrel dollar is high and it's climbing to the moon, huddle huddle huddle, everybody out there in the crowd. Alright, alright, and if that's... The, uh, if that's all that there is to say, then... Words of wisdom! Ooh, words of wisdom! Malakou, Kalabi, Ba, Wulabalabo, Zobodo, that's a squirrel spell that'll summon Squirrel Diablo, and you do not want to touch his squirrel dollars.

Let me get, let me get this microphone, uh, sorry, MIT class of 2024, I am so sorry. This man parachuted down from The tree that's above our stage out here and um... I'm D.B.

Cooper! That million dollars is mine!

I live in the trees! I'm J.P. Riddles! We would never, never have someone like this give the graduation speech. MIT class of 2024, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld! I was gonna say!

I was gonna make that joke!

I was gonna make that joke!

Oh my god, Adal!

Here's the top three rules for dating my teenage daughter!

Oh my God, Adal! Mind meld.

Did Jerry Seinfeld recently do a commencement address? Yes, at Duke University.

Some awesome students protested him talking.

And he did a thing where he goes, here's my three tips of advice. And it was something like, fall in love!

I don't like Jerry Seinfeld.

It was truly, he's like, here's the three secrets to life. Fall in love, get it done, and like thumbs up. And in his eyes he's like, I'm nailing it.

The thing about Jerry Seinfeld is that... The only one of these older comedian men that insists on still trying to be relevant, that makes sense to me, is Adam Sandler. Because Adam Sandler, to a larger extent, is just like, great, I'm just going to make movies that I like, I don't really care if anybody else likes them, and Netflix is going to give me $200 million. It doesn't seem cynical when he does it, because it doesn't seem like he has any pretense of being like, this is still the good shit, you know?

Sandler's entire public persona is, please don't observe me. Please look away, I'm wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and I'd rather not be viewed or seen in public. And then he goes into his little cave and writes a screenplay and he's like, this is purely for me and my friends to go to Hawaii and make $100,000.

Do you make a little bit of money?

There's some spending money, some walking around money.

I'm not against older male comedians still trying to work and hang out. Like, I love Conan. I love Larry David. I just think Jerry Seinfeld has a bit of a sinister vibe to me.

I just think that they could very easily just be content with being some of the richest men in the world and they don't need to do anymore. But they insist on doing a little bit more and it's like, we don't need it anymore. We actually don't need it anymore.

I would like a little bit more from Conan and Larry David.

I wish Jay Leno would come back and take over a talk show.

Don't say his name two more times. Everybody, easy. Easy.

Back away from the mirror. It's all back away from the bathroom mirror. Turn the lights back on. The sleepover is canceled.

Yeah, everyone go home. Nobody cares. Do you guys remember?

No!

For a second! Do you guys hear this?

You see about this?

Casey, get the crossbow.

In any terms, your own commencement speeches or who spoke there or anything like that?

I have no memory of anything.

Yeah. I mean, I've never been to a graduation where I would see a commencement, so I know that I don't remember it because I wasn't there.

Did either of you make a speech at either graduation?

I did.

You did, Adal? What graduation?

I'm

Do either one of you have a memory of a speech that you saw in public, in the audience, that was like, you're like, wow, what a great speech?

Um, my friend Connor did a speech at our high school graduation, and I forget if it was like the teachers all voted on whatever student they wanted to make a speech or the students all voted, but a group of people voted about who in our class, and he was so gregarious and funny, is so gregarious and funny, and I remember genuinely like hearing parents after go like, that was laugh out loud funny. Wow. It was great.

That Connor's so hot right now, I mean am I wrong?

Am I crazy?

He doesn't listen to this, he'll never hear me compliment him.

Before my class at Illinois State University, my theater class graduated, they brought in, I want to say her name is Jane Seymour? Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman?

Is that Jane Seymour? Henry VIII's third wife?

Maybe.

Yeah, I was thinking of that.

Okay, never mind. It's not Jane Seymour. It's something else.

Did she sing Heart of Stone?

Yeah.

Did she, Adal?

Did she? Oh, I'm so jealous.

Jessie Mueller. Whoever played Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, I think she's... Oh, okay.

For whatever reason in my mind, I thought that Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman was based off a real person, and I thought they had the real Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I don't know what Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is about at all.

Why are we talking this? What are we talking about?

Why are we talking about this? Because my theater department at Illinois State University brought in Jane Seymour to talk to our graduating class of theater kids. And I don't remember the specifics, but I remember it was very inspiring. She was very charming. She was very sort of self-flagellating. Just really humble and funny. Hey Riddle

Okay, I think this guy might really have something here. Now looking back on it, I'm like, nah, he didn't. Then he got a lot of stuff wrong since then, so maybe that's okay.

Dr. Quick Medicine Woman was played by Jane Seymour. Okay.

Oh, okay. So it was Henry VIII's third wife.

So it says here, Wikipedia says, Henry VIII's wife, Jane Seymour, faked her death. She then lived for another several hundred years.

I love it when Wikipedia hits you with the several hundred. They're like, look, I'm not going to do all the counting. If you want to do the counting, go back to the other page and do the math. Give a donation, yeah. Yeah, give a donation. We don't count for free here at Wikipedia.

Well, speaking of donation, why don't I donate some riddles to the podcast here?

Oh, we're actually not accepting any more donations today. The podcast has enough, Riddle.

This is a tax write-off for me though, so can I just say them so that we have record?

You can leave them here, but no one will engage with them. You just set them on the ground.

What word contains, and this is something that I'll pepper into a commencement speech when I eventually do. Pepper. What word contains 26 letters, yet consists of only three syllables?

Alphabet.

Yes! Wow, J.P. Riddle. Yes! That is so close. Alphabet. It's actually anti-disincentarianism. Anti-disincentarianism.

J.P., you're right. It is the alphabet. Yes. Wow. Okay, I'm really using my brain this morning. Something about doing J.P. Riddle's first thing in the morning really jizzes me right up.

I do want to see a scene. Yes. Erin, you are the letter A. JVC, you're the letter B. And the two of you are, as the leaders of the alphabet, as the alpha and the beta, if you will, you're having a meeting about the alphabet and what you all could do better. And of course, you're going to pepper in some letters starting with your own name. Sorry, some words starting with your own name.

Maybe, Adal. Maybe.

Probably. I don't want to prescribe too hard of a scene, but this is...

And hey Adal, how about you come in and you're X, okay?

I'll play your X. Why don't you tell us the scene that you want us to do, Adal, instead of just describing some shit you don't want us to do.

JBC, you're 5'3", you have cargo shorts on, you love cinnamon. Erin, you are as bright as the night sky. Your mom once left you alone in a whole... okay.

Awesome. Okay, great. Um, thanks for coming to, oh, standing a little close, B. Back?

We're back? Great. Will do.

Okay. Better? Uh-huh.

Better. Okay, great.

Um, so, I'm the leader of the alphabet, right?

That's a great idea. Always. I will write that down. No, no, no. A is the leader. Great. No, I love it.

Not a great idea. It's sort of like, what is, right? Like, when you sing the alphabet, you go, A, and that's me.

Oh, amen. You know what I'm saying? That's yeah, A is the leader of the alphabet. Perfect.

Yes, great.

Got it.

Some of the other letters, particularly the one sort of at the bottom of the alphabet, who can't see us up here at the front of the line, you've been telling them that you're the leader.

Oh, you know, yes, yes, yes, no. No, yes. I have been, yes, no.

Because like C and D can clearly tell that I'm the leader, like they're right behind us, yeah.

And I would let them know that you're the leader, yes.

But like, sort of like from S on, you've been sort of like at parties bragging that you are the leader of the alphabet.

You know what happened?

And that you make all the choices. What?

Is I was getting drunk with R and T and You, but we honestly we should talk about this because I do think that you has a problem Everyone knows that you has a drinking problem.

We have eyes on it, okay? Eyes on it, yeah.

Eye is the biggest narc in the alphabet.

So yes, but also helpful Anyway, I'm sorry actually no I feel like us vowels can talk about other vowels and complain about them But if you're not a vowel you can't complain about them other vowels. We are the heart of this. We are the most Oh god, no. Is that why?

Well, like, look, Y is a consonant and a vowel, so... Yeah, sometimes.

Sometimes. Um... Can you... Sometimes you both...

Anyway, when we were drinking and we were doing that, you know that thing where you like get drunk and you're like, let's do the alphabet backwards. And so what happened was I was doing the alphabet backwards and then I just could not remember. Like I just dropped like a bunch of, it was like a bunch of different letters got dropped and I, and you were like one of them that, yeah, that happened and it dropped.

So I stopped with D. You didn't say to W, Hey, if you need anything, come to me. I'm the leader. I'm the first letter of the alphabet.

To W? Yes, but I was drunk and I thought I was talking to two V's. So that is on me 100% because I was fucking with V's as kind of like a joke. Because like, you know, V and C used to have a thing. And so like, I was like, trying to like be on C's team by like, fucking with V a little bit, but it was W. V and C had a thing? Oh my god, you weren't supposed to know.

Same.

It's really hard to think about letters.

Excuse me? It's really hard to think about letters.

I know there's 26 of them, but man, oh man, if you ask me to put them in order, good luck to you.

Well, a lot of them are... There's less letters, actually. I want to say there's like 22, because a Z is just an N sleeping. A P is just a B who's doing pull-ups or something.

It's pretty fucked up that W is two Vs and not two Us, because it should be called double V. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, read my newsletter. The comedy sports, we used to play this game in comedy sports as a short form game called Alphabet, and basically you just like start with, your suggestion is for like a scene, you start with a letter of the alphabet that someone calls out, someone says C, and then I have to say a sentence that begins with C, Adal would have to respond with a sentence that begins with D, and you have to go down the alphabet, and that was the game that gave me so much anxiety because I was like, truly, if I have to Just think of the next letter that comes after, like, N, but I don't get to say the alphabet in order in my head. I'm like, I'm just gonna take a guess. I'm like, I think there's like a chance that it could be O, and then you say it and then the whole audience goes, no, you missed the thing. I'm like, yeah, because all you guys are doing is thinking about the fucking letters, but I gotta try to make a scene make sense.

I would like to see a scene. You guys are playing that game. And the scene is about Adal, you are JPC's dad and you're picking him up from a party. And I'm going to make it a little easier for you and you can start with the letter A. Okay.

All right, buddy. 10 p.m. Time to go.

But dad, I don't want to go. Everyone else is staying the night. I want to stay.

Commitment, okay? Commitment to the promises that we make. You said, pick me up at 10, I'll be ready. Alright champ?

Don't do this. Don't do this. Please don't do this. I just, I mean, all my friends are here. I'm going to look so bad if I leave.

Everybody's here. All my friends are here, okay? You don't think I want to stay, but I'm trying to teach you a life lesson. Fuck. You. God damn it. I don't... Get in the car.

How? How can I get in the car if I'm glued to the floor?

I am going to count to 10 and if you are not- Just do it!

Count to 10! Get to 10! Just do it!

Kaaalm down...

You don't think we can recover from Kaaalm Down? That's the name of the episode by the way. You're welcome Adal. Kaaalm Down. Kaaalm Down.

Uh, no.

Did you see me? Did you see?

What'd you do?

GBC saw me do a Spider-Man catch. No!

No! Well, I will describe- You were so impressive. No, don't!

GBC, I'm actually- Look at the tears in my eyes. I'm begging you not to let the internet know.

No one will ever know why I laughed like that, Erin, if I don't get to say what I saw.

I did something awesome. My microphone started to fall, and instead of catching it with my hand, I catched it with my nose.

I don't think that's a catch.

And I pushed it back. I went like this.

No, what Erin did, what Erin did, I'm crying. Erin, her microphone fell towards her face and Erin like leaned in like it was a, the kiss that has been anticipated the entire movie log with like the people you're like, I know they're going to get together, but I don't know how. And it was just like a slow together. She, that was a, I saw a very intimate moment with you with the microphone.

Yeah, TBC, our friendship just leveled up to a different place.

It's so interesting, if you've never watched a friend in real time fall in love, like I saw like a tender romantic moment between Erin and that microphone.

It's like I was getting brain surgery and they're like, do you want to see the inside of her brain?

Erin, I want to know, how's being single? Because it seems like it's going pretty well.

Are you implying that I bring my microphone to bed with me every night? And we talk to each other? Forget it. Forget it.

It seems like you're steps away from being the type of woman who walks through a revolving door, but before you do you say, may I have this dance?

That's so funny. I'm having a bunch of casual sex and going on a million dates.

Erin, I do enjoy the sort of spin-doctory that just happened of like my mic was starting to fall and I caught it with my face and readjusted it where it's like it sounds like you got bonked in the face by your mic.

Perhaps history will remember it like that, and perhaps history will remember it my way, because history is famously written by the losers.

You have to be a loser to write a book about history. I mean, come on. You should be out there getting laid, playing sports.

Let's do another riddle here. Please. I'm small and round and have a tail. I move from side to side. I have a trusty arrow, but no bow was supplied. Hold me as you go explore. I'll take you all around, but please don't put me on my back. I'm useless upside down.

on the show.

Okay. I don't like that. Does the video have a tail on it? It has a string, yeah.

But this has an arrow, right? Let me read it one more time.

I'm small and round and have a tail. I'll say small and round is maybe a little misleading.

Oh, I got it. A mouse.

A computer mouse.

Erin, it's a computer mouse. I don't know if I've ever seen a perfectly round computer mouse. That seems insane.

Do they mean like the little, remember when computer mice used to have the little ball? Yeah. And it rolled around? Maybe that's the smaller round.

It's like at your, oh man.

Oh, so satisfying.

That was so satisfying.

Yeah. Why do they, I guess they took them out because they didn't need them and that they have like lasers or whatever now that do the same thing. But I do miss the little ball on the underside of a mouse.

I remember having a, maybe it was called like a Magic Mouse, the Mac one. Oh yeah. And the way you charge it was there was a port on the bottom of it. On the bottom of it. So if you charged it, it would lay on your, you couldn't use it when it was charging. You can't use it when it's charging.

It's brilliant fucking design by Mac or by Apple, the company with the best branding in the world.

Seemed like a wild swing and a miss from one of the best aesthetics out there. Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene actually really quick. GPC, you're a computer mouse and you're on a date with a real mouse. Ow.

Oh, mouse.

Oh, mouse. Yeah.

Yes. Okay. Why does this keep happening to me?

I know, right? What is it about me? Wait, wait. I thought it was what is it about me? Does this keep happening to you? Are you going on a lot of dates with computer mice? Yes. You would not believe how many mice mice I end up going on dates with. And can I be honest with you? You are, I mean, you're, you're taking it the best. I mean, so I get, I get cursed out. I get mice cursing me out. I didn't. I'm not trying to deceive you, you know?

Yeah, it's just we're homonyms? Homophones? Listen, can I just say how much I appreciate you saying mice mice? Because we are the original mice, right?

It's not a chicken-egg situation. It is not.

Organic mice were here before computer mice. Am I crazy? Can I say that in this day and age?

You are not crazy. You are not crazy. I know exactly what I am. I know exactly what you are. And I fault no one for it because it's like nobody has to be born, right? Yes, exactly. What am I going to hold that against you? You can do it.

And so, thank you, and so many people, I get set up on so many dates with computer mice, and we'll go home, we'll have a great time, we'll have sex, and then I find out the next day, it was simply someone who stepped away from their desk at work, and they wanted to seem like they were still working, so they had me fuck their mouse, so that the cursor's moving, and their company software tracking can... I can't believe, that honestly happens to you?

Yes. My God. Well, like I said, I go on so many dates with mice and, uh, you know, they're casual. Sometimes they go well, sometimes they don't. We usually end up going back to my house and fucking and, you know, yada, yada, yada. And then I find out the next morning, I wake up, they're gone. That was just a snake's food.

Aww.

I just spent an entire day with a piece of snake's food, had the time of my life, and then they're just gone. They're just eaten by a snake.

Wow.

It's a real bummer.

Yeah. I feel like usually, do pet stores sell frozen mice? Was the mouse dead or was...?

I mean, personality wise? Yeah. Honestly, yeah. Went on a date last night with a real dead mouse. You did who? What? What's what? You what happened?

Literal? Literal?

Huh? Huh?

He was a DJ, right? What happened to that guy?

I can't believe JPC saw me and that microphone doing that thing. A DJ mouse?

Dead mouse.

Dead mouse.

You did. You did. You did try to kiss your microphone, Erin.

Well, let's take a quick break. Erin, you can recover. Oh, no, she's getting your microphone. So let's give them a little privacy, and we'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle. Get out of here, guys. Yeah, nope.

Sorry.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh, Adal, Erin, Erin, quick, quick, everybody, quick, please, please, please, please. What's going on? You okay? I've hurt my... I've hurt my... I've hurt my... What? Mental health? Uh, TPC, you should try better help. You keep saying try better help. Yeah, okay, try better help. Yeah, okay, because I've hurt my mental health. I fell and I hit my mental health on the ground.

JPC, we all carry around different stressors, big or small. We get it. I get it. I've been using BetterHelp for many years and it works perfectly for my brain. I can message my counselor anytime. It's online, convenient, flexible, and suited to my schedule. All I had to do was fill out a brief questionnaire and I got matched with a licensed therapist right away. And also, I can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge.

Yeah, J.P.C. therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest. Anytime you play J.P. Riddles, I have to talk to my therapist and be like, is he real? Can he get me in my dreams? Etc. You have to figure out how to work through whatever's weighing you down. And for me, it's being terrified that J.P. Riddles is going to get me.

I mean, you're in my brain, dude. I have the same thing.

Have you guys talked to your therapist about the podcast? I mean, I, of course, of course have. Primarily. It is a lot about the podcast when I talk to my therapist.

That's so funny.

And if you're thinking of starting a podcast or maybe even starting therapy, get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle. But don't take it from us. Take it from J.P. Riddles. I will have to talk to my therapist before I'm allowed to do J.P. Ripley again. That makes sense. No, that makes sense.

Makes sense. I understand that boundary. Okay, class, take a seat. Take a seat. We are going to talk about VPNs today.

My weird cousin? Nope. The joke there is that I'm JPC and VPN is also three letters and it's like the joke there.

Who are you talking to? It looks like you're addressing a camera or something.

Sorry, ma'am.

VPN stands for Virtual Private Network, a service that protects your internet connection and privacy online. VPNs create an encrypted tunnel for your data, protect your online identity by hiding your IP addresses, and allow you to use public Wi-Fi hotspots safely. It's all about internet safety.

Oh, teacher, teacher, I have a question. Do I have to know all this stuff about a VPN or can I just use NordVPN?

Oh, so you know about that.

Well, yeah, I mean, I know about my weird cousin from Scandinavia, NordVPN, which is for a future ad. We'll do that for a future ad. That's actually really good. Ooh, and teacher teacher?

Yes, Adal?

I actually brought you an Apple with NordVPN inside of it for you. And I've also heard that NordVPN is easy to use, connects with one click, or you can enable auto-connect for zero-click protection is what I've heard.

Oh, okay, you guys know way more than I thought you did about this.

Yeah, like NordVPN has like 6,300 plus servers in 111 countries, so you can change your virtual location easily if you want to access maybe something that is not available in your area. Or if you're like me and you one time go to Mexico and say, I'm going to download stuff when I get there, then realize that you're in another country and you can't watch all your favorite shows until you use your NordVPN.

But do you know that it has amazing speed? Yeah. It's one of the fastest VPNs out there?

Yeah, I did know that. I knew that as well. Oh, okay. Yeah, and Teacher, respectfully, duh. If that makes sense. Okay.

Well, one NordVPN account can be used on six devices, but I guess you already knew that.

And with the most respect, do possible in this moment, duh, is what I would have to say.

If that makes sense, Teacher, duh.

If that makes sense to you. But don't take our word for it. Wait, no. Do take our word for it. Here's what you can do. Here's what you can do. Strike that. Take our word for it, and also don't take our word. Here's what you can do. Go to NordVPN.com slash Riddle and find out for yourself what NordVPN can do for you.

Hey Riddle Riddle would like to thank Claritin for supporting this episode and providing us with samples.

Hey Adal, do you want to see my impression of me last week when I had really bad allergies and I wasn't doing anything right? Oh gosh, I feel so sick, I can't even do anything. Oh my, doesn't that sound just like me?

Yeah, that is you to a T. That is a great impression. You should have a Vegas residency. Erin Keif does Erin Keif.

I keep writing them and they keep saying, who is this? The city? But luckily for those of us who live with symptoms of allergies, we can live Claritin Clear with Claritin D. It's designed for serious allergy sufferers and Claritin D has two powerful ingredients in just one pill that relieve your allergy symptoms and decongest your nose so you can breathe better. Did that sound like me last week? Oh, that's so good, Adal. That was so... Okay. No, no, it's fine. It's good that you're good at my impression, too.

Yeah, maybe I should go to Vegas. I have seasonal allergies myself, and I feel like any time I step outside in the spring, in the summer, eyes turn red. Itchy, itchy, itchy. My contacts come out. My nose is running. Claritin D tackles nasal congestion caused by allergies or a cold and also relieves sinus congestion and pressure due to allergies. Which is the worst part that your nose dripping or being congested and you feel that pressure right at the bridge of your nose. That's the worst. That's the worst, Erin. I'm Erin Keif.

Oh my gosh. Wow.

Can you believe JPC turned into an owl?

That's fun. That's good that we're acknowledging this. Yes.

Fast and powerful relief is just a quick trip away. Find Clarendon D at the pharmacy counter. Ask for Clarendon D at your local pharmacy counter. You don't even need a prescription. Go to Clarendon.com right now for a discount so you can live Clarendon clear. Use as directed.

It works in like 30 minutes and so I don't have to sound like this anymore. I'm Erin Keif. Achoo! Achoo!

Achoo!

Erin Keif is live in five minutes at the Luxor in Las Vegas. The Luxor? Yeah.

That's fine. That's good. No, that's okay.

It's like 20 bucks a night.

That's okay.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Erin, do you take this microphone to have and to hold, to bump into and to speak into, to catch and to kiss, for as long as you both may podcast?

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

And microphone, do you and same-sies? Same? Erin, I don't know if that's... Is that how the mic usually sounds?

I'm sorry, I think a robot was objecting.

Yeah, my ex?

I can't tell who the robot's objecting to. It seems like the robot is maybe interested in both?

Yeah, we know.

Erin, please take me back. No! Please, please. Erin, please take me back. Please don't say that. You don't mean it. Don't say what you don't mean.

You're right. I don't. I don't mean it. I love you.

I love you. Let's go to Rome.

What, are you going to find a different priest there? I mean, I'm already here. If you want a priest, I could marry you. Don't go to Rome.

The Pope is in Rome. Let's go to Rome. Erin, you always said you wanted to have the Pope observe you while kissing a robot.

I have always said that. It's basically my catchphrase.

And don't say the Pope lives in Vatican. I know the Pope lives in Vatican.

Vatican City.

Vatican.

Vatican.

Can the robot not say city? I can't. I was programmed to not say C words.

Anyways, riddles, please.

Although I did just say can't. Oh no. Probably with a K. Probably. Yes. Can't. I can't. Can't. I can't even today. What goes further when it goes more slowly? We're back. Huh?

The whole story where the turtle going slow means it's actually going fast. Going slow can mean moving at the right pace.

I think he wins the race, but I don't think in any stretch of that story, any telling of that story, the turtle's going fast. He's going slow.

Yes, but that means he's gonna win.

It's different than going fast, but... If you want to go far, go alone. If you want to go fast, ride a turtle. Be a turtle. I do want to see a scene. You are the turtle in the hair. Erin, you are the turtle, since you have so much invested in this little thing. KFC, you are the hair, and this is the end of the race, and Turtle, you have won, and the hair just can't really believe it.

And finish. What? What did he say? What did he say? Did he say finish? No! Wait, what? No! No!

It's okay, Hare. You can eat my dust.

I am literally unbelievable.

I was moving so much faster than... You took like a two hour nap in the middle of the race.

I could. I had the time.

I smoked like a whole bowl before the race today and I still won.

Does anyone have a camera? Can we see a photo? Don't put the sash on the turtle. You haven't even crossed the finish line yet.

I'm sorry?

This is my fourth lap. I crossed the finish line. You, you there, you there. Me? Turtle with the camera. Turtle with the camera? Yes. Oh my God. Hold on. Wait a second. Is it all turtles here?

You're paranoid.

Is the whole race turtles? Wait a second. Wait a second.

I resent that.

Why? You're a turtle. Why? You resent being called a turtle?

I'm a tortoise. There's a difference.

Okay, my bad, I'm sorry. Please, what's the difference between tortoise and turtle? Oh no. You're a fucking turtle with a mustache and a hat.

You don't need to answer that.

No.

You don't need to answer that.

This whole turtle community is on trial here. I finished this race easily.

Sore loser. Yeah, I'm sore because I fucking- Order, order in the court. Now last week this pair brought up a complaint against the turtle here. Now, uh, in front of a jury of 12 turtles, please go ahead and make your case here.

What the f- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. What is going on here? Where are all the hares? Oh my god, the turtles are wearing rabbit's foot necklaces. Oh no. Oh, I'm next. Oh, this is how it is for my people. When will the hare be free?

What goes further when it goes more slowly?

Oh God, still this?

This is like a beverage, like drinking a beer. The good times go further if you drink your beer slow. Oh, that's kind of a good slogan.

Oh my God, you should work for Bud Light or whatever.

Right? Or is this like a, what goes further? Like your relationship goes further if you have a long romantic meal. What goes further if you go slow? Oh, sex. Sometimes, you know, if you're just like, Blasting away, you're gonna nut.

Stop making those noises. Stop talking. What are you doing? How do you have sex?

Slow it down. Think about baseball. No.

Think about penguin baseball.

Adal, can we have a hint?

Yes, your hint is this is something we should all go more slowly with this. If we are to live long lives, we should all go a little bit slower with this. Chewing.

I mean, that's good advice. You know how many times they tell you that you're supposed to chew food? Like they want you to chew food until it's disintegrated in your mouth. How many times do you guys chew before you swallow? Me, three chews at most. I don't have fucking time.

You're like the owl from the Tootsie Pop commercial.

When I was a kid, my dad would say, you're eating way too fast. You're going to have esophageal problems when you get older if you eat this fast. And I'm pretty old now and I don't have those problems. So was my dad just some fucking loser telling me to slow down, trying to stifle me?

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe. We don't know. We won't know until five years from now where I'm like, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I almost die every time I eat. Erin, what else can I say? What goes further when it goes more slowly? Erin, if you stay inside- Your money. Yes, money. A dollar.

A dollar.

The U.S. dollar. The squirrel money dollar.

Is that true, though, or is that just a thing that people say? A dollar goes further if you spend it- What does spending something slow even fucking mean? What does that mean?

It's me when I'm trying to figure out Apple Pay when there's a whole line of people behind me.

You figure out Apple Pay, you can't remember it, you end up just being like, never mind, walk out, you're not coming back for that blouse.

I had to have an air conditioning tune up and the guy was like, yeah, that'll be like $100. And I was like, I'm just going to give you $6 sometimes when I feel like it. And now we're all just moving at like a more comfortable pace, right? Fucking bullshit. That's an old- That saying gets a zero from me. Thumbs down to that saying.

Oh, okay. JPC has spoken.

Spend fast, die young, leave a beautiful-looking corpse for money.

M.I.A. We shake hands when we meet, or I simply give a glance until a hole appears before your very stance. What am I?

Oh, is this like if you're peeing at a urinal?

Mmm. Not being of the year at all, it's not a water slide.

A door.

Ew, Erin, it is a door. Whoa, a door. Do you ever think about when you open a door, you're shaking hands with it? That's kind of scary. That's weird.

I don't like that. Makes me never want to open a door again. Me neither.

Yeah, you're shaking hands with everyone that door has ever shaken hands with. Ugh. Wow.

Ugh.

Are you pitching? Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, when you guys clean, do you guys clean your doorknobs? No.

I don't think I've ever cleaned a doorknob in my life.

I can honestly say I've never cleaned a doorknob in my life.

I'm

I should probably, I should probably be doing this like every, like all my doorknobs, like all the time, right? Like, oh man.

My skin is crawling thinking about how gross all the doorknobs are in my house right now.

Yeah. Yeah. Erin, do you think, what do you think? Are you going to clean them after this episode?

Probably remember on like Friday of this week, four or five days from now and then clean them.

I'll remember when I'm not at home and then I'll be like, oh my God, damn it. I'll go home and clean those doorknobs.

Just haven't replaced at this point.

Yeah, I don't want to freak you guys out, but I do clean my doorknobs pretty often.

Okay, brag.

Part of my cleaning ritual. Must be nice.

Yeah, it's pretty nice. Do you clean your doors too, nerd?

No, I don't know what I would do to clean a door.

What about the ridges on doors that get dusty sometimes?

I do that for my cabinets, my kitchen cabinets. I clean the dust off of those, yeah.

What about the little door stoppers that are like... Oh yeah, I soak those things.

I soak those.

I get a foot bath and I... Yeah, I get a little foot bath for my door stoppers.

Here we go, next one. What breaks yet never falls? And what falls but never breaks? A leaf. That's a great guess, but no.

Is it the same thing or is it, I'm getting two different things. Something that falls but never breaks and something that breaks but never falls.

It's two separate things but they are closely related.

A car.

They're part of, they're each one half of a whole kind of thing. It's not a car.

I do want to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Erin, Adal is in the market for a car. You are selling him a car. And the car that he is looking at, you're telling him that this car never breaks.

Let me just kick the tires here.

Oh, careful.

I mean, my foot went right through that tire.

No, I mean, don't be careful.

Let's move on to a different car. Oh, this one here is pretty nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't kick the tires. This one, if you can believe it, never breaks or wait has no brakes. No, no, never breaks.

Never breaks. I mean, still is that in the, is that in the sense of like it won't break when you need it to?

Never. No, I mean like it never breaks. Like mechanically it can't break down. The windows won't break. The tires won't break. Nothing breaks. There are no breaks. Nothing breaks in this car.

Okay, um, why is it so cheap? This seems like a pretty special car.

Do you ask God why he makes a miracle happen? Some things are just awesome.

I'm not religious.

Some things are just awesome, and you just don't question why it's awesome. Do you know what I mean? I guess. Do you want to buy it?

Well, I mean, I mean, well, I'm in the market for a car, but let's just buy this one. Oh, let's save ourselves some time. Please don't take out my wallet. Please hold on. Don't run that.

You have a lot of $2 bills in here.

They're valuable. They're rare.

I'm gonna take this card. I'm gonna run it. I'm gonna get you a license plate. We're gonna get you out of here. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I have a question. I mean... You have to keep up with me.

I'm running.

Hold on. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Why wouldn't you just drive this car, huh?

I did, but then I almost died because it doesn't have brakes.

Because it doesn't have what?

I'm acting crazy.

I'm... None of... But you said it. You are... Can I just say... All of your extremities are covered in casts.

Please.

But you are still able to hobble. You're in the shape of an X, but you are able to hobble and run like nobody's business.

Thank you.

Like a German wheel, almost, is how you move.

Let's just calm down. Let's buy this car.

I am calm.

You're gonna buy this car. We're gonna breathe. You're gonna leave the lot. You're going to hope that you get a lot of green lights forever, baby. No stop signs. Try to avoid stop signs, green lights.

I live in a residential area. It is all stop signs, speed bumps, and red lights.

It'll be fine. I'm running your card now. Congratulations. You're the owner of a new unbreakable, no brakes car.

News at 11, the $2 bill killer was finally brought to justice, but not how you'd think he died in a car accident.

The $2 killer.

Hip hip, hooray!

Hooray, we got his ass. What breaks yet never falls, and what falls but never breaks.

Okay, so like a pool table.

Ooh, Erin, season is pretty close. Waterfall. That's good, and that's close. It's not waterfall.

Fall and winter.

Hot and cold.

Ice.

No.

Water.

Seasons is the closest so far.

Uh, it falls but never breaks and breaks but never falls? Yeah. Uh, spring breaks and winter falls. Wait. Fall back.

Spring forward, fall back.

Spring forward, falls, fall back.

Waterfall.

It's not a waterfall.

Hope.

Hope springs eternal.

Daybreak, night falls.

Erin, it's daybreak and night falls. What breaks yet never falls? What falls but never breaks?

I'd like to see a scene. JPC, you are Day, and Adal, you are Night, and you two are roommates.

I want to go to bed. Whoa, good morning. Looks like I caught you nice and early. Brought you a coffee.

Oh no, sorry. I just took my melatonin. I'm going to go to bed.

No worries, I will drink both coffees. Ooh, wow, I have a pep in my step. Hey, did you say that you wanted to go work out with me today?

Uh, no, I'm just gonna, when I wake up, I'm just gonna work out at home and that'll get done for sure.

Oh, we can work out at home. Let's just, okay, let's rearrange the whole apartment. Let's clear out a big open space in the middle, like feng shui, like open space. Oh, are you going to go into the bed, your bed? Yeah. I started a puzzle. It was the only place left that I could do the puzzle. Come on. So I started a puzzle on the bed. Hey, let's finish it. Let's finish the puzzle. I don't... I've already got the corners.

That's the easiest part.

Yeah, why not? Let's finish the puzzle.

Listen, I'm going to ask you this one time and I want you to be completely honest. Are you on cocaine?

Yes, I will go to the beach with you right now. What's happening? What was your question?

I said, are you on cocaine?

Oh, interesting. I don't know what that is. Cocaine?

He's white powder all over his face. A person is sitting in a house reading a book.

It is dark outside and inside the house there are no lights on nor candles.

How is this person reading the book?

Braille. Braille. You thought I didn't know about Braille.

I guess I probably interact with Braille more than you notice, right? If you go to the ATM and stuff, the ATM has Braille on all the bumps and all the numbers. But when I recently went to Disney, and for whatever reason, when I was at Disney, I was just noticing Braille everywhere. And I was like, that's pretty cool, Disney. It's pretty cool that you have so much So you'd think that like so much of the theme park would be, and it really is like this visual experience, but I was like, it was cool that they were also making the experience like for people that didn't have sight.

I thought that was interesting. All the accessibility that they inject the park with.

Yeah, and I'd also like to give a big fuck you to Disney Hollywood Studios for having a mother's room that was like a closet. The mother's room, if people don't know, is like where breastfeeding mothers go to breastfeed or pump or do whatever they need to do at the park. And the one at Hollywood Studios was like a closet with an open door that people could just walk past. Yeah, where I was like, a big no thank you to the Mothers for Hollywood Studios, but the one at Epcot was actually pretty nice, so I have to give a shout out. A big wag of my finger and a thumbs down to Disney World.

I have a second cousin who's blind, and when I was younger my dad would be like, you should write your cousin a letter. And so we had this like, it was like a metal clamp that you put over a piece of paper, so it clamps on either side, and then it has like the alphabet in braille, and you have like a little, there's a handle with like a poker on the end, and you puncture through the paper at the point where it clamps, where the letter lines up. It was so hard to, like, line up the letters and make it sort of, uh, I don't know. It was very, very difficult.

And then they're reading, like, whatever, like, bullshit you sent them that is, like, Hi, I'm Adal. They're like, yeah, I fucking know.

I saw a bird at school today.

Like, Jesus. Have I talked to you guys about baby sign language?

No. I mean, I know you try to teach your baby sign language, like, more.

Yeah, babies can develop language way earlier than they have the vocal capacity to use language, so they can understand language. So there's baby sign language, which you can use to communicate with your baby before they are verbal or before they can speak. But the thing about baby sign language Because I was like, oh cool, that means if I learn this, I can also learn sign language, which I'm not one for languages, it's really hard for me and my adult brain even to pick up a language. But I was excited about maybe learning some ASL, but then I realized, it's not, you're not actually learning ASL, you're not learning sign language, you're just learning a language to speak to a baby. So I couldn't, like, have a conversation with someone. I could be like, more milk? And someone would be like, what are you talking about? I'm like, more milk, daddy. Daddy, more milk. What? You know, we don't speak the same language. You're not doing what you think you're doing.

Jemma knows sign language pretty well. And she keeps trying to get me to learn it so that we can, like, at concerts or something, talk to each other without having to yell. Or to talk shit about someone next to us and they have no idea.

I know unless they speak sign language, my neck may hurt.

I mean in L.A. they'll name their kids literally anything.

Yeah, Braille with a Y. Yeah. Caden and Braille.

I wouldn't.

Hey, but if you're a listener out there and you named your kid Braille, you fucking suck. Erin says so.

No, no. Well, maybe.

I would die on that hill.

I would say you suck if you named your kid Braille. I agree.

Yeah, that makes sense. That checks out. I have five sides, but when you close me, only four. I travel far and wide, but when you find me on the floor. Wait, I travel far and wide, but you find me on the floor. Is this a door again? Couldn't this be just a door again?

A carpet.

It's not a door, it's not a carpet. I have five sides, but when you close me, only four. I travel far and wide, but you find me on the floor. I'm on the floor sometimes.

And Erin, what do we think's going on with your hair today?

It's driving me insane.

Do you think that this is a mirror that you're looking at and not a camera that everyone can see?

I'm not even looking at myself. I'm just adjusting my hair based on how frustrating it is. My camera's actually covered. Do I look insane?

That's an impossible question to answer, Erin.

Just sensory-wise, it's driving me crazy. My bangs keep falling on my face.

When a woman asks me if she looks insane, what is the answer to that question? If ever this comes up, and this is a PSA for all the people out there that have ever heard this question, you have to say, my father just died. That will drain the conversation.

I'm not falling for that again.

Drain the conversation.

Lizzie Borden took an ax. She gave her mother 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41. Because she had asked her dad, do I look crazy? Do is the answer, Lizzie Borden. It is not Lizzie Borden, but that's a great guess.

What has five sides, but then four when you close it?

I have five sides, but when you close me, only four. I travel far and wide.

A suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase, a suitcase.

Erin, this is a suitcase for... A briefcase. Communication.

What the fuck? Oh, is this like a car phone?

No. A suitcase for commun... Oh, a laptop. So think about what travels far and wide. This would travel without you. The internet. This would travel without me?

A letter.

It's a letter, but what does a letter go into?

An envelope.

Hold on. Erin, you're correct, but we do have to address something, which is JPC said an unattended minor.

That's like a technical term, right? Unaccompanied minor. Unaccompanied minor. That's terrifying to be an unaccompanied minor. That's like a home alone situation.

I've done that before. You never did that as a kid where you flew and you had a handler at every airport you were at?

My older brother did when he went to see his family in New Jersey, his dad. He would fly as an unaccompanied minor, but I never did. I always thought that that was very cool to be a kid on an airplane.

I did it in like the eighth grade and I felt like way too old to have a handler. I was embarrassed.

Because your handler was like, he was like someone like 20 and like impossibly handsome, like chiseled jaw. And it was like, hey, let me show you around the airport. Oh, you're just like a little kid, huh? You're like, no, I'm a woman.

Yeah, I'm a woman, a grown woman. You have to believe me.

I can't remember what, there's some sort of code that goes on your ticket where it's like if you're an adult, like solo adult with a child or, I can't remember what the circumstances are, but there's some sort of code that will go on your ticket and I think it's like ADA or something along those lines because I once, with Gemma and I, we fly free standby and so we had standby tickets and it had my name on it, ADAL. And when I was boarding the plane, the person taking tickets goes, and sir, where's your child? And I go, huh? And she goes, where's your child? And I go, uh, I don't have one. And she goes, you don't have a child? And I go, no.

A guy like you, a catch like you doesn't have a child. Great, Elaine, all the good ones, all the good men in New York City are taken and they don't have children.

And then she looks at the ticket again to be like, like she's about to tell me off. And the person at the podium next to her right by the gate door just goes, sir, go ahead. And then the woman's like, I don't under... And she goes, it doesn't say... And she's like, oh. But it's just a very funny, like, accusatorily being like, where's your child? Bad dad. And I'm like, I don't have a kid. She's like, wow.

I'm going to make this kid liar look like a real asshole in about three seconds.

Okay. No. Okay. My bad. Yep. So Erin, you were corrected as an envelope.

I don't want to do any more riddles today. That one, that one.

Envelop.

That one got enveloped. It envelops a letter.

It envelops a letter. And I guess the, you know, the flap is like the fifth side. New York City is the fifth character. Insects in the city.

Do we have a voicemail theme? Anything to get me away from these riddles.

We could. Let's, uh, let me poke Casey here with the long stick. Oops, sorry, JP. Ow!

I'm in the middle! We're done with the witties and puzzies, so now it is time for some voicemails. I'll tell you one thing that's always better when there's some voicemails. Ooh, we heard some zines with minimal context. Huh? Yeah, I swear that we will get to some plugs next. But it's always better when there's some voicemails. Yeah, it's always better when there's some voicemails.

Beautiful. Wow. It was like a young Randy Newman.

A young, yeah, a young, handsome Randy Newman.

See? It sounds like a Randy Newman song.

Isn't it Jack Johnson?

Erin, you are absolutely correct, Erin. This is a listener who was listening to the episode where you were talking about going to see Jack Johnson, and they said that this is a Jack Johnson-inspired theme. So thank you, Micah, for sending that in. That was very fun.

Hi Adal, Erin, and JPC. This is your friendly neighborhood Discord mod, Aiden. I work at a grocery store bakery and it's always really cold this time of year and this means the bread is also cold. Do y'all know of any strategies we could use to warm the bread up and or protest methods to get them to turn the thermostat up? Thanks, love you, bye!

Thank you, Aiden.

Hello, Aiden.

Well, thank you, Aiden. That is a great question. My first thought went to, you know that Arrested Development bit where the dad would pay a man with one arm to teach the kids lessons by hitting him with the car and his arm would fly off? My first thought would be like do that with bread and be like break pretend to like break your arm and be like oh no it's the temperatures too my brittle bones in the cold and then be like haha now you have to turn your thermostat up because I taught you a lesson about safety. Would that work? No, but it's where my brain went.

I can appreciate that. I would say, to me, the number one Adal rule for heating up bread is to carve out the middle of it and dump some broccoli cheddar soup in it.

Do that to all the bread.

Do that to all the bread. And here's the thing, here's the crux, it's going to be very hard to not eat that delicious bread bowl soup. So just know that you have to have some amount of willpower if you are to deploy this advice. Erin, do you have any?

The Erin Keif strategy for making a change is complain every day. Be annoying every day to whoever's in charge and eventually they're gonna give in. And if that doesn't work, start a fire. That's how I solve all of my problems. Complain, complain, complain, complain, complain. That works. Or if it doesn't, you start a fire. I hope this helps.

The reverse Billy Joel. Now I'm trying to think of what phase in the podcast we are currently at with Erin. Are we... Right before fire.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

And Erin, I can't help but notice as you record from bed, as you always do, like a sickly Victorian child, as we mentioned.

Obviously.

I can't help but notice that you have a long baguette who's dressed in a v-neck and a tie.

Oh my God, he's on camera.

Tight jeans, he has a face drawn onto it.

Hold on, let me move, move. Hey, hey, hey, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me zoom in a little bit more on my face. Anything to plug, Adal?

Um, I guess I want to plug Brian Baguette.

No, don't.

The man laying next to Erin.

No, how do you know his name?

Well, he has a big name tag. I want to plug normalizing dating bread. Amen. Nothing keeps you warm at night like a big hunk of bread. So go to your Jimmy John's the next day and they have day-old bread for sale for cheap or go to Panera, but don't drink the lemonade. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. You can do a seven-day free trial where you can listen to all of our best episodes, or you could just come over and hang out and listen every week. We just did Penguin Baseball. All those episodes are up there. We have a lot of fun stuff. We have fun guests all the time over there. We had the Improv Is Dead guys, and they were great. So just go. Just go check it out if you haven't.

Just check it out. Just check it out. Let's check it out. And Erin's running your card. She grabbed your wallet. She's running your card.

JPC, anything to plug, or a review to read?

Hey, I'm mixing it up a little bit today. I have an email that I would like to read on the podcast. This email comes to us from Peter. It says, Hey, we have 50 TikTok accounts, and we'd love to start posting clips from the pod. We would handle everything from cutting the clips, editing them, posting them, managing comments, etc. We could scale this up to tens or even hundreds of clips per day across these pages. Any interest? Best, Peter, founder, CEO at Then Peter also followed up a few days later with, hey, is growth a priority right now? All good if not, just let me know. Peter, fuck off.

All good if not. Very Midwestern.

All good if not. Hey, if growth isn't a priority right now, all good, baby.

Hey Peter, Jupiter.

Bye forever, Peter.

Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif and John Patrick Coan. Casey Toney did the editing. Are there any parrots in the music?

Hey there, dinosaurs and fish, if you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We play a game called Movies from Memory. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for five dollars a month, or you can start your seven day free trial or the review crew for eight dollars a month. Plus, you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a HeadGum podcast.