Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

We've all been there. Rummaging through pipes, dodging man-eating Venus fly traps, grabbing coins, fighting hammer-slinging turtles, and stumbling upon polka-dotted mushrooms, eating them, turning into giants, and going on full-blown rampages.

Relatable.

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Amen, Mario. Erin, how do you say it? Is it Mario or Mario?

Marry me.

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Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey Rid Okay, so the episode has started. Okay. Okay. And everyone's here for the start of the episode? Everyone's here.

Oh.

Okay, so Erin, so I'm looking at my watch right now, and the episode has started, of course.

Come on, man. I would never do that to you.

I'm sorry? Teacher. You would never have the opportunity to do it to me. Now, Erin, what was so important about today that you had to go put on a lobster sweatshirt while the episode was about to start?

Right before the episode started, I realized that I had a bad attitude. I realized that I was not the best version of myself, and I thought, these two guys, they deserve better. They deserve a warm Erin. All of my sweatshirts are right to my right. All of them. I'm in a closet. And I decided, you know what? Why be cold when I can be warm? And this was the first sweatshirt.

Erin, here's what I think. I think you need to move all those sweatshirts out of the closet because I think the closet is where you record. I don't bring my like steam deck down here to record because I know that if I saw it, I'd say, I'm going to play a little steam deck while we do the episode. And I could, and it would still be the best fucking episode you've ever listened to.

I don't know.

I would like to test that. I wouldn't be on it a lot. Casey would be editing out a lot of me playing my steam deck.

And Adal's playing with his abacus because it's right there, it's right there where he records.

His adalbicus.

My people invented this. Do you like this and arithmetic?

I believe.

Or at least numbers.

Do you like my lobster sweatshirt?

What'd you say Erin?

Do you

In order to balance out the universe, if that makes sense? Sure. Yeah. JPC. Please, are you about to tell me I can go get my Steam Deck? I think for the next 57 fucking minutes, I think we do a positive sweater roast episode.

Look at this great sweater, Erin. Wow, look at it. Thank you. Now, is that so hard?

Aaron, I really do like the sweater. And it gave us something fun to talk about. And isn't that always something fun? It's just a breath of fresh air. 300 episodes in and we're still finding something to do.

Little morsels to chew on. I actually have something fun to talk about.

Oh, okay.

Which is, three days ago I get a text and it says, are you home? I can't remember what I said.

I forgot that Erin knows about this, because I told Erin about this.

I think I said I'm home, but I haven't slept since the day before or something, so I was like, yeah, I'm not doing well. And JPC was like, oh, and JPC sent the text, I should say.

And I'm JPC, and that's Erin, and this is Adal, and this is Hey Riddle Riddle.

And this is Hey Riddle Riddle. This is a podcast about stories.

Shut up. Back to the story. We have to get that out of the way so we can get back to the story.

So JBC says, well, if you're real sleepy and tired and cranky, then this isn't the day to do this, but I have an early birthday present for you to drop off. And I'm thinking, huh? My birthday is June 1st. It's a bit of a ways away.

A month, even. A month is fine. A month is fine for an early birthday present.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said early, so his bases were covered.

And can I make a huge guess? Did he bring me something so normal and small?

That's what, Erin, that's what I thought. I thought this is going to be some sort of like a box of chocolate covered cherries, candy bracelets, something like that.

Writing some stuff down for next year. Box of chocolate bracelets.

A couple days later, I say I'm home. JPC says, all right, I'm going to swing by. JPC pulls up front, knocks on my door. I opened the door. I say, hey, buddy, we're both wearing Hey Riddle Riddle merch. We are. Which actually kind of rules. JPC says, get your shoes. I said, my shoes? Is my early birthday gift a hike somewhere? Put on my shoes, go out to the car. JPC pushes a button to lift up. Great. This guy's got a great car. Great SUV.

It's great. It's great for the reveal of a large gift.

Get to the part where he shows you the dead body in his car. Get to the part.

He presses a button. The trunk opens slowly. As it opens, I see what I can only describe as a The pile of hundred foot bones? This motherfucker got me The Home Depot Limited Edition Sold out everywhere, 100-foot Halloween skeleton. And I'm... Years in the making. I take a knee. It feels like a punch in the gut, I'm so happy. I take a knee. I'm double over. How do you experience happiness?

It's violent. This thing is as pleasurable as a knife cutting across my back. I mean, I am in ecstasy.

Nothing wrong with a little pain and a little pleasure, but I'm now the proud owner of a 100-foot skeleton, and I cannot wait.

I gotta give it up to my man CK, representing Ohio. I was about to say the city in Ohio, but I was like, I actually don't remember. I think it's Ohio. But CK messaged me on Discord, which is something that you are not supposed to do. So let this be a lesson to everyone. CK messaged me on Discord and said, hey, I was shopping on the Home Depot website for something else. I saw that they had them in stock. It was like 6 a.m., probably 7 a.m. Ohio time. And I immediately went and got it. When he checked there were like 4,000 left nationwide and then like 15 minutes later there was 2,000 left. So I feel like we really got it under the wire. And I've been looking for this, I've given up, but I've been looking for this 100ft tall Halloween skeleton for... Two and a half years?

Two and a half, three years? I think three years. I brought it up maybe three years ago that I was obsessed with them and I wanted one. And here's the thing, I had given up Erin this past Halloween. I gave up Pope. I said, it's not going to happen for me and that's fine and I need to make amends and I need to- Amends? I actually gave Erin power of attorney.

Which I abused immediately.

I need that back. No, finders keepers. Because the skeleton's going to get power of attorney. Even just taking these bones out of the car and putting them in my house, the rest of the night I was just picking up bones. I was picking up the big skeleton hands and I was caressing Gemma's body with them and petting the cats, scratching. Uh-oh.

Yeah, I told Gemma about this. I got a present for Adal. I think he's really going to like it. I think you're not going to enjoy it at all. Yeah, Gemma's real stressed.

I will say, Adal, this is really good news. Our JPC is evolving. He's getting older. He's maturing. Because originally, both of our impulses were for him to just set it up in your yard.

Yeah.

And have you come home to it and then have you have to take it down. To deal with it.

I really wanted to wait for you to go out of town and set it up in your yard. I also was going to do a thing where I tricked you with a different thing, and I was like, oh, we're going to go somewhere, you and I, and then I have to make a stop, and we have to stop by Home Depot real quick, and then I was going to force you to- It's like a Sopranos episode. Yeah, put the skeleton boats in the car. But then I realized that you got a lot going on right now, and I was like, I just want to- And I rode around in my car for three days with a car full of skeleton boats, and it's hard to see- Were you scared of getting pulled over? It's also just like it's a safety issue. They're all over the place. There was a time where I had to take the car and I was like, OK, let me take all the bones out and put them in my garage and then I'll put them all back in the car. I was ready to get rid of these fucking boats.

I'm very, needless to say, incredibly excited. One of the best gifts I've ever received, and I cannot wait to scour Etsy to see what sort of special holiday accoutrement is on sale for Memorial Day, Arbor Day. Maybe when it's not Halloween season, maybe I take the skeleton apart. I take him apart at the waist, a phrase I've said several times. And I put on like a straw hat or something. I put it in the tiki bar, and it's tiki bar kuchima.

I think this is perfect home decor. I think a lot of people say you can only have a hundred foot skeleton outside your house. Wrong. Lay it down long ways through your living room.

I think if I had my druthers, I would have it like peeking out of the top of my house, like wearing the roof of my house as a hat and it's kind of crawling out of it, a la one of my favorite movies, Kubo and the Two Strings. They fight a big, big old skeleton.

Yeah, yeah, they do. I've seen it and they do.

Now, JPC, I have to alert you to something. Okay. Which is, maybe the same night you brought that over, maybe the next day, I can't recall, I saw online Home Depot now has a 10-foot Darth Vader for sale.

You know, it's almost as if Home Depot realized that they could give you whatever the fuck and people would pay $500 for it, and then they're just like, let's just make anything. It's almost as if that is the case.

I think the future is 10-foot tall items everywhere, and I think the future is bright.

I have a thing I would like to say about the skeletons. Yeah.

Okay.

And I don't know if we've already talked about this with the skeletons, but don't you wish you could see the look on the faces of the guys who dig up our society in like 1500 years and they start finding those bones and they get so scared and they go, wait, what? There were giants all over the United States?

Erin, I appreciate that you know for a fact that in the future, 150 years in the future, scientists, archaeologists are going to be so flippin' dumb, they're going to see plastic bones and think they're real.

Well, I'm saying they're going to figure out they're plastic very quickly, but I'm saying for a split second they're going to go, whoa!

They'll probably also be like, why did they do this? Because at that point, the bombs will have dropped, right? Society will have collapsed because of the wars. And they'll be like, what were they doing? They were making this? Shouldn't they have been like, uh-oh, we're growing food or something?

Helping in any way.

I think more likely is they're going to dig up PT Cruisers and be like, ooh, this is different than the rest. What went on here?

They'll dig up a PT Cruiser and be like, okay, somebody went off on this. You didn't have to go so hard, PT Cruiser.

I guess some of them were fun.

And then everybody turns to that scientist and they shake their head and they're like, wow, yikes.

He don't get it. Speaking of guys that don't get it, and I've already introduced myself, but I'm JPC and I have some riddles for you guys. Do you guys like to do riddles?

Ooh, in my bones, I thought that Adal was about to be Old Man Puzzles, and this feels like a huge shift.

Yeah, he did have Old Man Puzzles energy. What do we think? We think we just pawned it off on him? We think he does the riddles?

Yeah, so what do we think, Kikafi? Here's the first riddle. I'm a hundred foot tall at night, a hundred foot tall in the morning. A penis.

Wow, Erin, that's such a good answer.

That's such a good answer. It's a Home Depot inflatable penis.

Erin, I feel like lately you've been a little bluer. And not just depressed because you've been that too, but I feel like you've been a little bluer.

Because I'm losing oxygen.

So maybe there's three senses of the word that you've been bluer. I feel like you are not getting enough air. You've got the sads. I've got the sads. I also just think you've been a little bit bluer. I don't think that you would have been the first person to say penis on an episode, maybe ever.

I think you're right. What's happened to me?

Do you think that you're getting cooler?

That doesn't feel right.

Because a lot of times I feel like people have described, like, describing Erin, and I like, I know so many Erin's, I'm like, I need a last name. And they're like, I don't know the last name, I'm like, personality to describe. And then they start to describe like, I don't know, like a, like a cloth or like a bedspread that's like soaked, like drenched. You know, just holding a ton of water.

Are you trying to call me a wet blanket?

I would never say that!

Am I Erin Wet Blanket in the community?

Oh no, JPZ, she's doing it. We took bets. Which Erin?

I'm going out to lunch. Which Erin? Oh, um, like, Wet Blanket Erin? The one that's super boring and lame?

You know what made me think, maybe it's Wet Bus Erin. Maybe that's it.

No, that's Erin Udyk. Great ex-girlfriend. She's got top billing.

When I think of Wetbuzz, I think of Erin Udyk, who is a member of Wetbuzz's girlfriend. Okay, but no, enough of this. Prove them all wrong, Erin. Prove the haters wrong by doing really good at your Riddle podcast. I think the sweater's making her blue.

Erin, aren't, like, you would know this better than the other two of us. I'm so excited for this question. Isn't, like, one in 3,000 lobsters blue?

Yeah, like, it's, like, one in a million. JPC, Google it for us. JPC's our butler.

I'm using my mental abilities to Google in my mind. It is one in every million lobsters.

That's what the new X-Men comics should be. It should just be Professor X Googling through his brain.

God, aren't we all Googling through our brains in a certain way?

That's a bit of a superpower. I'm a bit of a mutant when I get online. In JBC, I actually have a power where I can sense when someone's about to do a riddle.

Okay, that's so nice of you to say. It's so nice of you to say you have that power because I was actually about to do a riddle.

Oh, and I guess I only have that power when I'm doing a riddle podcast and I'm not hosting, so I guess...

Oh yeah, that makes sense. I also have a lot of powers that only come into play when I'm doing a thing where the power would be useful. Honestly, that's best case scenario.

I love the idea of like, hey, I'm basically Wolverine, but I have to be on the fourth rung of a ladder. If I'm on the fourth rung of a ladder, adamantium skeleton. Regeneration abilities to the max. If I'm anywhere else, dead immediately.

I'm Cyclops, but only Monday through Friday, nine to five. Otherwise, the laser eyes do not work. It's actually awesome, because I can spend the weekend with my kid. And it's genetic, being a mutant's genetic, so it's like genetically, genetically I'm like weekend brained. They say I'm like weekend coded in my genetics.

And the rest of the time I'm Jubilee. Oh yeah, me too. We're all Jubilee on our downtime.

Yeah. I recently, that X-Men, X-Men 97 show came out.

Holy shit. Okay, say what you want to say, but I also have something to say.

Are you familiar with the show?

I'm familiar with the old and the new.

And then like three episodes in, there's like a lot of shit going on where I'm like, was I meant to watch all of the other show before this show? And I don't think so. Like I think you can just kind of pick into it. But it does kind of pick up where the other show left off. So then I was like, well, maybe I'll go back and start watching these things. But then I was like, even though there's not a ton of it, there's like five seasons of it. I'm like, there's no way. I just, I don't have the time to watch like one show anymore. Like, there's no way I'm going to ever burn through all of these X-Men shows. So then I stopped watching X-Men 97, even though I was like, I like this show. This is fun.

I will say it's the first four episodes. You're like, I like this. This is fun. Exactly what you said. You're like, huh, this is bringing back memories. Episode five, un-fucking-believable. Episode eight, One of the best episodes of TV. Wow. I think I'm going to go ahead and say one of the best episodes of TV, animated or not.

I don't really know much about the X-Men, and I feel like with superheroes in general, I have the same thing that keeps popping up. I'm Hey Riddle

They retcon a lot.

And then they retcon it all. There's like different plot lines. It's like I can't be bothered with this shit. It's a lot. Yeah, it's too much.

I would say keep watching. Episode 5 is incredible. And then episode 8. And also I should preface that I'm a huge fan of Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler is probably my favorite X-Men. And episode 8 does Nightcrawler good. Like, really.

And Nightcrawler, he's the one that, like, takes pictures of, like, crime scenes, but then he starts to, like, actually influence the crime scenes, and, like, he's, like, causing- One of his best performances, Kurt Wagner. Kurt Wagner. Kurt Wagner. They say V's, that's W's. We have to get some riddles in. Yes, yes, yes.

We have to get some riddles in.

And if you're listening to this episode and you're thinking, wow, Erin's pretty quiet. Erin's been pretty quiet for the last five minutes. Erin's not here, okay? She had to go. She had to put on a different sweatshirt.

We saw a blue cloud of smoke. We saw the words BAMF appear, and then Erin was gone.

Uh-huh. Badass Monday, Friday. That is what's going on. But it doesn't matter, okay? Look, because we have riddles to do. And really now that there's only the two of us, Adal, now it's me just kind of challenging you with riddles. I'm doing riddles directly to you, but it also means I can repeat these riddles that we do today on a future episode because they'll be new to Erin. And if they're new to one, they're new to all. That's our slogan here on Day Riddle Riddle.

I don't know if you heard yourself. You said, I'm going to do these riddles to you. And I think that is the mindset this podcast puts forward. I'm going to do these riddles to you.

When there's another person here, it feels, I mean, just way less personal. But right now it feels like, right now it feels like a job interview.

I'm doing riddles at you.

And the job that you can get from this is not a job you'd ever want.

I like the idea of job interview where it's like, what are your biggest strengths and weaknesses? Where do you see yourself in six years? And also, Two women go out for drinks on a Sunday afternoon. One of them dies, the other one does not. One glass had ice, the other did not.

And you're like, what is this job? What am I applying for? I'm like, oh, it's four more years of high school. And you're like, no, wait, hold on. I don't want to do that.

Teach riddles in high school, cowards.

Yeah, they won't. They won't put riddles on the curriculum because they know it would make people too powerful.

Just like the X-Men.

No, just like the X-Men. Okay, Adal. Yes. Here and listeners. Adal and listeners. Listeners, you're the surrogate. You're the surrogate this episode. You're the Erin's now, dog. Usually, peep behind the curtain, you're not important. But today, we need you more than ever. Here's your first riddle. I'm cute as a button.

Erin.

Filled. Okay. We can't keep talking about her. She's gone. Yeah, you're right. She's gone, man. We can't keep talking about her. But yeah, the answer is Erin. Okay. And I'm now looking, these riddles were sent in as a PDF. And sometimes when people send in riddles as a PDF, I don't prefer it, but I download the PDF. But then I forget who sent the riddle in because I've long since this, months ago, I pulled this PDF. So I've long since forgotten. We'll just say Clark.

It was probably a Clark.

This is a riddle from Clark. It's a series of riddles from Clark. Clark, thank you for putting them into this PDF. That's too kind of you. That is more work than most people do, and you've got your just reward. Me, not remembering who you are. And this is from 2018, so you probably don't listen anyway, so who fucking cares? This is for no one. It all worked out. I'm cute as a button, filled with rings, music sings, visitor brings. Is this a doorbell? It is a doorbell. Wow. Elevator also maybe would have worked, I think. There's probably a workable solution in there for elevator, but a cue's a button, doorbell's a button, filled with rings, you know, obviously we all know doorbells ring, music sings, and a visitor brings. It could have been a ring camera. Let's see, would a ring camera work? I'm cute as a button. No, sorry.

They're not cute. This riddle has made me think. The next time you're on an elevator and it stops on a floor that is not the floor you're getting off on, but it's opening for someone else, I think when the door opens and they're standing there, you should stand there, lean up against the side as if you live inside the elevator and be like, can I help you? Today we're

Here's the bit, if you're in an elevator and there's like full of people, but you know, you can't be like, there's not like a hundred people in the elevator. Let's say that there's like four people in this elevator and the door opens on a floor that's not your floor and it's not someone getting off, it's someone getting on the elevator to a very specific situation. Someone gets on and as soon as the door opens, you go, hello. And then you turn around to the people behind you and go, guys, what the fuck? We practiced this.

Hello. I also like doing the lean up against the door thing and being like, yeah, and they're like, I wanna, I wanna, and then you just turn and scream, Sarah, he's here.

Nah, somebody here for ya. I think this is a good bit. You describe whatever they're wearing, you're like, nah, it looks like some sort of doctor's here to... Obviously, but you're in an elevator because you're in a hospital. That's the only thing that makes any sense to me.

Absolutely.

Okay, Adal, are you ready for your next riddle? Yes, please. Okay, here we go. If a lumberjack yells timber when a tree is cut down, what does the tree yell? This one I think is just tailor-made for you. This is one where it's perfect that we don't have Erin because this is an Adal one for sure. Wow.

I assume that it has something to do with plaid or flannel.

Oh, interesting. Um, no, no, that would be a good assumption for me being like, this is an adult one, but it's, it's, I think it's more because of your... Punnery? Your brain than your, uh, than your trappings.

So, my good sir, my brain is my trappings.

And mine like a steel trappings.

The lumberjack yells timber. What does the tree yell?

Yeah. If a lumberjack yells timber when a tree is cut down, what does the tree yell when it's cut down? Ah, my fucking legs. Ah, my waist. Oh, interesting. You would think that that's the legs of the tree? Because I think the roots of the tree are the legs. That part's still there.

It's the waist. You're right. It's the waist.

It's the waist.

Yeah.

But in that case, trees are like big torso tall, right? Although have you seen like photographs of like the imaging of trees underground, like what their root structures look like?

Yeah, they're all tangled together. They're whispering secrets underground.

You're holding hands with the trees in the neighborhood?

Yeah, they're in a prayer circle.

Oh no, that's so lovely. What a lovely thought. All the trees on the street holding hands together underground.

Oh wait, we just image searched and there's a pentagram in the middle of the dirt. Nope, they're in a summoning circle.

Uh-oh, uh-oh. And the devil. And the devil's here. The trees are brought upon.

It's the treble.

Yeah, the treble. Every creature has its own the devil.

And here's where Erin would say, we got travel right here in the city. She'd do the whole song.

And maybe we'll see if we can get... Casey, just send Erin an email asking if she'll just record that part solo so we can put that in a post. Just say trees equal devil equal music man.

We'll just see what she does with that. She'll know what to do.

She'll know what to do.

What do trees yell? Yeah, when they're cut down. So this is going to be a pun.

Yes.

Oh boy. A... I fell. I fell. I don't... I didn't chain see that coming. Yeah. Timber. Timber.

This is also Adal.

Yes.

What you might yell when you're through with this riddle. What you yell... Thank God. A tree getting chopped out of me like, finally. I've been growing here for years.

Looking at his own rings being like, holy, that took some time. If you were alive for 329 years and you couldn't go anywhere, I'd be like, just cut me down.

Yeah, I think so. I think that's... You know what also really sucks for a tree is like, trees live, I don't know, 100 years, 80 years, 90 years. I have no idea how long a tree lives. Trees live a long time. Sure, depending. Depending. And then to one day get struck by lightning. You're like, I gotta be the unluckiest motherfucker in the world. But also, a lot of my people are getting struck by lightning. Someone might want to look into this. Is there any way the trees can get a house so that we're not like constantly getting struck by lightning?

Oh my gosh. GBC, what are trees' houses made out of? This is what you would say when you're done with this riddle.

It's also the thing that a tree would yell when it's cut down. I got it.

We're done with that. I was rooting for you.

Oh wow. With the puns, with rooting for you, you're close, but what's another thing that is the remnant of a tree? I'm stumped. I'm stumped. Wow. The tree says, I'm stumped. And do you get it now? Do you see?

Do you finally see? And literally in this exact moment, JPC, I think I just realized why. I think it's Portland has Stumptown coffee. And I think, I think I just realized.

Oh, because of your logging industry?

Oregon and Washington State have a lot of timber and logging industries, and that's probably why they call it Stumptown. It's because they cut down all the forests to pave the way for Portland to be residential.

I did not know that it was called Stumptown, but that's like a nickname for ... I've never been to Portland, so I was not aware that it was called Stumptown. It's called Stumptown, huh?

I don't know if that's a city's nickname, but there's a coffee place called Stumptown Coffee in ... I believe it's in Portland. I could be wrong.

Okay, gotcha. Recently, we did on the Patreon, we did a Penguin Baseball, and my team was the Naptown Road Warriors. And a lot of people thought that Naptown was a place that I made up, but I was like, that is an established nickname for Indianapolis because it's NAP. Napolis. The Nasty Nap, Nap Town. I think people were confused because everyone else had a real city and I had like a... I think they thought that my team... It's like a little Nemo land.

Oh, Nap Town.

Yeah, well, my team was also slightly, and I don't want to say how, but they were slightly different from the rest of the teams. So I do think that people thought that mine just existed in some sort of fantasy world, which I think is very funny.

I like that.

If anything though, the Boston Wadlers little guy, that was the one that looks like he would have been from Nap Town because he looks so sleepy.

He looks so sleepy. And that hat was too big for his head. It looks like it'd go over his eyes and he'd forget what he was doing and just fall asleep on his feet. I do hate, I will say I do hate- Me? Not hate. Hate's a strong word. I loathe, that's better. Wow. I loathe when people say Chi-Town. Unless you're from here. I think if you're from here and that's... Because I didn't grow up here. I spent a lot of time here. I didn't grow up here. But if you're from here, you call it Chi-Town, great. But I feel like it's mostly tourists who are like, I'm in Chi-Town. And I was like, we don't say that. I don't think we say that.

I don't know that a lot of... I don't hear Chi-Town. It's like Chi-Rack. I don't hear these other nicknames for Chicago very often. We call it Beantown. It's for politicians. It's for politicians, whatever. But are we the only city with politicians? Like, come on.

Are we the only city with the lake effect? I went and saw Eurovision winning Icelandic band Daudi Friar. How do you say that? One, they were fantastic. But the lead singer kept saying, and he's like seven foot tall so you have to listen when he talks. He kept saying, I saw this is called the City of Big Shoulders. Why? I guess everyone's shoulders look big. Is it because everyone here has big shoulders? And he just made a meal out of that. And I did stop and I was like, I think it's because we're blue-collar, hard-working people.

I hope you fucking booed that guy. You're not from here. You don't understand. Chicago. Forget about it. I'm walking here. Chicago. No, unfortunately the Chicago voice is not like, I feel like the New York voice is like tough, but like the Chicago accent is, it's actually a lot like higher pitched, like it's like Chicago, Chicago.

Chicago, get some bags.

Okay, well hey, Adal, you're stumped and I hope that the listeners were stumped as well. But now it's time for us all to take a little stump break and go refill our stumps. I lost it. I lost it. I had something and I absolutely lost it.

Adal JPC, I am a mind reader now. I can read your mind and predict things about you.

Prove it. What am I thinking about right now?

French fries.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's right. Great.

Now I'm thinking about french fries. It seems like I bet that you two have subscriptions you've forgotten about. I bet you've signed up for free trials of things and forgotten to go back and cancel or just forget that you have subscriptions to streaming services that you're no longer using. Is that correct?

Oof, we did just on the way over here sign up for frenchfries.com.

Yeah, it's like a monthly, they send you french fries in the mail from all over the France. All over the France.

Well, don't fear. You can now use Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. And I'll tell you a little secret about me. I've been using Rocket Money way before they became a sponsor of the show.

Wait, now I'm reading Erin's mind. Erin, are you thinking that Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features?

How did you do that? I'm the mind reader.

Okay, I'm going to put my stuff in Rocket Money and just going to go over some of the... Okay, so it can show me all my subscriptions in one place. And if I see something I don't want, it can help me cancel it in a few taps. Let's see, what do I have here? Freshfrites.com, frenchfries.com, onlinefriesnow.com, ordermyfries.com. Waffletaters.org? Rate my salt? What could that be? Oh, it's a French fry website. Okay, cool.

While JPC is reading these, I will tell you that Rocket Money can even try to negotiate lowering your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with customer service for you. It's like having a personal assistant. It's amazing.

And I don't want to deal with customer service because all of these services I'm using are French. And that's all I'll say. That's all I'll say about that. But if we've ever dealt with French customer service before, I just all say.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. Rocketmoney.com slash riddle.

Well, Erin, you saved me some money. Should we all go get some fries?

You read my mind.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hi, welcome to my yard sale. Feel free to look around, let me know if you have any questions. I have some better help and a cooler here if anybody needs any.

Oh, you have better help, the online therapy better help and a cooler? Yeah, that's right.

Oh, cool. It's like entirely online and designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to my schedule. So I can sort of like message my therapist anytime and get a timely response from them.

Yep, you just fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with licensed therapists. You can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. All that is right in my icebox here, my little cooler.

Oh my gosh!

Incredible! It's better help. It's the service better help, right? The one I'm thinking of, it's a, you know, uses online therapy as a safe space to get things off your chest and kind of figure out whatever's going on with you, kind of giving you an opportunity to talk through that. And that's the service better help.

Yeah, it's located inside the cooler here. But yeah, look around. Look around. We have some books. We have clothes.

I mean, I use BetterHelp and it's the best therapy I've ever had because it works totally. I don't have to drive anywhere. I don't have to stress about it. Huh. Okay. That's great.

You know, for anyone who's listening because there's some people here at the yard sale, I guess I would say to everyone who's kind of here at the yard sale, you could give BetterHelp a try if you're trying to get into therapy. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Riddle. Actually, I opened the cooler. I have bottled water.

Oh, bottled water. Okay, that's where the confusion was. I see, I see.

I guess we'll take some of these pants with the butt blown out.

Betterhelp.com slash Riddle.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Adal, JPC, come over here quick. I created a hilarious new website.

Ooh, Squarespace? Yeah, Erin, did you use Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online? Is that what you used, Erin?

Oh, big time. I used Squarespace and it was super intuitive and easy.

Okay, super intuitive and easy. Sounds like my Friday night.

Well, I got JPCisOld.com and it's a website totally dedicated to how old JPC is.

I'm looking at JPCisOld.com and I'm noticing that it also has flexible payments, which it also says in parentheses, things that JPC can't do. I guess it's a crack at me being old and not flexible, but it looks like it makes checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools. Except in credit cards, PayPal, and Apple Pay, and in eligible countries, offers customers the option to buy now and pay later with Afterpay and Clearpay?

And I can sell exclusive content on my site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses. I teach a class on how to best call you old. It's awesome. It's already sold out.

Yeah, and it looks like they also offer video collections. GPC Video, it's sort of like drawings, when you flip through drawings really fast with your thumb. Yeah. You can upload video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful video pages.

Erin, I gotta say, this is a beautiful website, and I wish it was happening to anybody else.

But it's happening to you.

And if you want it to happen to you, wait, hold on, head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

GPC's old.

So old. Hey Riddle Riddle.

And we're back.

Okay. Back we're back. More riddles, please. Steady.

More riddles, please. And hey, maybe even some scenes. I don't know if we did... I think it would have been fun if we had done a scene in the... I don't think we did a scene in the first half.

Janet, did we do any scenes in the first half?

I don't think we did. I don't think we did.

No, Janet played. No. No. Hey, it doesn't matter. Tons of scenes in this one. Tons of scenes in this half. Great. Okay. Okay. I'm not far behind you. I'm inside your eye. If you knew my name, You'd have to say why. You saw me the last, 4th of July.

Rumpelstiltskin? What's his name? Wait a minute.

Now, obviously this is, you know, we're deep into the episode so we don't really need a warm up. We can kind of just get thrown right into some like real riddle-ass riddles here, so.

I'm in your eye.

I'm inside your eye.

I'm inside your eye. You know this is going to be a, what are the letters in these words? Got to be, got to be. I know that July has a Y in it, and so does your eye.

Okay. You know that, Janet. You know that for sure.

No wait, now I'm questioning it. Now I'm questioning it.

No, you have to lock in.

Am I speaking English right now? Help me. Am I speaking English right now?

I can't say.

I'm disassociating.

The next part after your I said something about you'd have to say Y. If you knew my name, you'd have to say Y. Yeah.

Is this one of those gross, like, oh, it was right in the... Kaiser Soze is just on the frickin'... Yes, this one is absolutely Kaiser Soze. The answer is built into the riddle itself, and it's just the letter Y. The call is coming from inside the riddle.

The letter is Y, correct.

Is it a stigma-tizzy? Not this time, Riddle.

It's a stigma-tizzy. Okay, I do want to see a quick scene. So Adal, you're going to be playing an eye doctor. And Janet, you're going to be, we'll say like a teen, like a young person going to the eye doctor. And you're trying to dress up all of your eye doctor things to be like cool for the youth, Adal. Okay. Okay, great.

I love that there's just now an ongoing, like, Adal is associated with things that aren't cool.

He said, he said stigmatiz-y. He said stigmatiz-y. Yeah, I did it to myself. You did do it to yourself.

I knew what I was walking into. The call was coming from inside the Adal. Okay. Alright, great.

Hey, hey, come on in and why don't you stand over here where I've written business on the floor. Sure. Stand on business.

Alyssa at the front desk said that I needed to call you Dr. Spex, like with an X. Oh, that's what A-Train said?

Yeah, I mean, it's whatever.

Alyssa, but yeah. Okay, cool. Okay, Dr. Spex.

Okay.

And what's her name? Okay, so I'm standing ... What's her handle? I've been seeing you for five years. Darlene.

I know, but I said, could you come in with a fun new nickname?

Oh, Darlezzy?

Perfect. Darlizzo? Yeah, Darlizzo. Darlizzo. Hey, thank you so much for... Quick dab? Oh, smacked myself in the face real hard. Oh, I gotta swap out my glasses here. Oh, whoops. Whoops, whoops, whoops. And let's get your... Ah, sorry, just got... Okay, let's get your Vizzy whizzied and... My what? I'm gonna get your vision... Well, whizzy, I don't know what I was going for with that. But your vision whizzerfied. Okay, cool.

Oh my God, do I have to sit on this chair backwards? It's like facing the wrong direction now. I have to like sit on it and like lean on the back of the chair?

I don't know if you saw, there's a photographer in the corner. We're doing...

Oh, I saw.

We're doing photos for a new pamphlet, so if you could just make this look really cool.

Oh, cool, cool. Pamphlet photos. Really, really, really excited.

If you could just look into this Bose speaker, at some point the bass is going to hit so hard that it's going to puff some air in your eye, the bass of the drop.

Are you going to get the information you need? That's not like medical equipment.

I don't know. I think I'm the doctor here. I'm the MD, MCMD.

If I could just quickly voice my concern, and in doctor's respects I'm not a doctor, but my concern is either the medical equipment that you should have is not here, and that concerns me because I have a genuine interest in eye health, or the stuff that you were using was bullshit and it doesn't matter that you're using a Bose speaker now, and that's also troubling.

Well, I don't know if you noticed, I got a big bowl of freeze-dried airheads. It's what all the kids are doing these days. So I understand your concerns. I do hear them out loud and you're keeping it toy. I shouldn't say that to women. So if you just want to grab an airhead to have a seat backwards that would be great. All right. So I also have some. We'll skip the speaker test for now but I have some words.

Backing slowly away.

Excuse me Dr. Specks. Oh I didn't see. I might be a little early for my appointment. Yikes.

I'm actually late for something, so I don't mind. I'll leave. Please don't follow me. Knocks airheads onto the ground so that you can't follow because there's marbles on the floor essentially. You'll never get me, weirdo!

I don't know what that was all about, but I guess it's time for my eye exam.

Okay, why don't you go over here and stand on business.

Whatever's clever, homeboy. Wait a minute. Are we getting this? Z, are we getting this? You looking to the photographer at the corner of the room?

Hey Chuck, it's me, Specs, your cousin. You know that cool youth language we were looking for?

Oh God, I think maybe five years ago I could have been like, okay, I could do my impression of youth language and now, no, not even a chance.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Stand on Business is big and On Sight, I think those are pretty big. On Sight is back?

Oh, On Sight's back. Last year, the Word of the Year by some stuffy, I don't know if it was like the New York Times or something, named the Word of the Year Riz, which instantly made it probably something no child or young person will ever use again.

Yeah.

Right? I mean, you can't assign something Word of the Year that grownups are going to be like, oh, I'll have to start using it.

I feel like, like, yeah, Riz is in a category where It was as soon as most people found out about what Riz was, it stopped being, it stopped being able to be used. Yeah.

Correct. Yes. A lot of these words can only... You and I will hear about it.

Yeah, they can only exist in like the, you know, a strict subset of the youth culture. And then once they've expanded past that, they're gone. They're sour. They're spoiled.

But do we have stuff like that that didn't last at all? Like that isn't, you know what I mean? Like, do we have stuff that just had a really short shelf life? Because I'm trying to think of, I mean, I feel like most stuff is like, I could still get away with using it, you know?

I think that, at least in my experience, because I was on, like, I, you know, was born before social media and, like, social media hit in a kind of a bigger way, like, late high school, early college was, like, when, like, back then, like, Facebook was still, like, invite only when I was still in high school. So, you know, so I kind of grew up without it. But before that, I felt like a lot of culture was transmitted to us through like media. So you would have it would come through on high. Like I remember like, you know, the Budweiser frog like was like that was so big, but we had to get it from Budweiser. Like, you just have like, you couldn't just have your dumb friend say was and then it would go to a different high school like that that just wasn't possible.

Yeah.

And there's also things that were just sort of in the ether where it's like the... We love doing ether. When you're even younger where it's like, jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. I never heard that anywhere except from, you know, someone at the playground from a neighboring town or something. And you're like, oh, this is our little secret. And then you go somewhere else and you're like, you also have this? How is this spreading? And nowadays that's how everything spreads is just in this little youth vacuum.

Yeah, and the social media thing can just make it spread so much faster. So, Janet, I do think that we don't have the same generation, and I think that the words and the riz of it all is being generated at a speed that our brains can't even fucking comprehend.

Yeah.

By the time it, no pun intended, drips down to us. I guess that's not even a pun, it's just saying one of the words they used to use. By the time it drips down to us, it is already out of fashion with the youth, I believe. By the time adults say it ironically to be like, hee hee hee, I think the youth is like, we no longer, nobody says that.

And I do like saying drips, because I believe it's drip is what they say. But to say drips is all such a misunderstand the term in a way that I'm like, whoa, look at his drips. I've got an STD. Ross drips, am I right? No, you're wrong.

Yeah, this new song just dripped.

It is awesome.

What a Riz beat. Gets in a coffin, somehow nails it shut from the inside.

That should be a new phrase, get in a coffin.

Yeah. God, I don't want anyone to use get in the coffin on me because I feel like I'm about at the age where a 17 year old can tell me to get in the coffin and it will ruin my week.

What about get busy living or get busy coughing? I guess then you would just start coughing. That's different. That's different. It's so hard to tell in this drip down culture of ours.

Yeah, this culture truly is dripping with riz. We have another riddle here. This riddle is, Fourteen and twenty-two. Yellow fading into blue. What should be mine belongs to you.

Wow. Hmm, what to do with this?

Now I'm already, now I'm like, is this going to be another letter, a specific letter?

And we know it is, but this one's at least harder. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N is 14.

14 is N. 14, 22, work backwards. Quick, can you do it?

Work backwards? Yeah.

From the end of the alphabet. How many letters can there possibly be?

35?

Okay, Z.

Yeah.

Yeah, go slower.

Oh no.

I always thought, I don't know if, and this is never something that I personally experienced, but I had heard like the field sobriety tests that they would give where they would tell you to go through the alphabet backwards. And I always heard that, like driver's ed and stuff, I would hear that. And I'm like, I couldn't fucking do that.

Oh, absolutely not. I've had the exact same thought. There's no way. I could get through that. I couldn't get through the last... I couldn't even get to 22. Adal, how's it going? You got any updates for us?

But also, that's like a bullshit test and it would be thrown out of court because that's not a... Like, you can't use that to test someone's sobriety. It's like an insane metric. But I think that they would more often use that test as a pretense to be like, okay, now we're going to take your blood or whatever.

That you would be like... That if they said that you should do that and you were like, oh... I can't, I'm too drunk!

Yeah, like, gotcha.

It should be something more in the zeitgeist where it should be like, you have to get out of the car, please, stand over there, and I need you to do either two to three bars from the song Bye Bye Bye or the dance from the music video. And that's how we know. And it's something where it's in the zeitgeist. It's in everyone's DNA somehow. We all know that somehow.

You have to just do the melody to any Weekend song. You don't need to know the words. That's fine. If I can Shazam it and it's going to come up as the weekend.

Oh no, wait, you can't Shazam. There's no way you can Shazam someone singing a song. There's no way.

But they should have that. That should exist.

That's what we should invent. That's what the kids want.

Shazam 2. Wait, that came out last year. So, Janet, sorry, JBC, butt out for a minute, some table talk here. Janet, the 22nd, I think he said 14 and 22. Yeah, he did. The 22nd is V, so Envy is Nevada. Envy. There's something about gold, right?

Wait a minute, that's Envy. Oh, we're yellow meets blue. You solved it, you went too far.

But it could be Reno, it could be Reno.

Come back, I'm back here, Adal.

The biggest little city in the world. Adal, grab this rope. Adal, take this rope. Janet, I see something. Do you think it's the word Envy or do you think it's Reno?

I think it's where blue meets yellow. I think it's Reno because that's where Lake Mead hits the desert.

How many times have you inadvertently solved a riddle where you fully said the solution as you are quickly pushing past it to get to something more obscure?

I love the idea. Without Janet here, it's like I'm first place for the marathon, and I break through the tape, and then I run to the next town over, and Janet's like, no, you won.

Yeah, the marathon ended here. There's a clear finish line. It's delineated and everything. You crossed it, people took your photos, there's the confetti cannons going in the air, and then you just kept running.

I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are a blackjack dealer in Reno, Nevada. Janet, you're playing the table. You're at this blackjack table. It's only you. And JPC, you're a dealer who's getting pretty envious of Janet's winning streak.

Is this seat taken? Hit me.

Well, it's not. It's not taken. Someone did just leave their cards to go get a drink.

I won't stay here long. I'm in the middle of a big marathon.

No, it's okay. I have to hit because that's... Okay, 21. Blackjack. So you just won this gentleman blackjack. And of course, I have to hit. And so I bust. Yeah, I bust. So congratulations.

Thank you.

Thank you. You could probably take like half, I guess, is fair. Or do you want to keep playing?

You know what, I'll just hold on to the chips and, you know, when the guy comes back, we'll just, they'll follow what they may.

Okay, yeah, I love it here.

Well, um... God, you're holding on to your deck of cards really tightly, like your knuckles are a little wiped.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

No, it's just like there's a lot of cheaters here and scammers, not only that. Like, you know that the trick where like you go into a gas station with like a 50 and you like make them break it. And then by the end of the you exchanging the money, like they've got, you know, $70.

Yeah.

That happens with my cards all the time. And then they'll come by and count my decks and they'll be like, there's 46 cards to this deck. Like, what happened, Jerome? Like, where did these other six cards go?

So you're saying the house is the victim?

No! I'm saying Jerome is the victim at this casino. Oh, sorry Jerome. Yeah, I mean the house is against me if anything. I know I'm supposed to be representing them, but I get docked $6 for every card that's missing from my deck at the end of a shift, and it's always a lot.

Yeah, so I hold them pretty tight. As the cards are disappearing, are you playing with the same deck? And when does your shift end? Because I feel like I'm going to be in much better shape if I come towards the end of your shift.

Yeah, I do eight hours. I do an eight-hour shift, so I get two 15-minute breaks and one 30-minute lunch. And then it's eight hours on from there. And I take the cards with me on break because I realized I was leaving them behind a lot, and I'd come back and they would be completely gone. And then if I have to go to the shop, Ricky charges me $80 for a new pack of cards. He says, Jerome, you're always losing cards. These are, you know, they're flying off the shelf. We have to leave some for the guests to buy.

Yeah, I love that holster though. That card holster is pretty tough looking. That's cool. A little bit of an outlaw.

Thank you so much. This is a gun holster. It's a gun holster. I just put cards in it.

And hit me.

Okay, I have your consent to- No, we're playing. We're playing the game. Okay.

21.

Wow, one card. You didn't just put a- You didn't just put an ace on the table, right? That was there on the table before? Do you mind if I count my cards really quick?

I do mind. You're gonna have to go ahead and give me- I won.

You won. So, okay, so I'll pay you out. There you go. And I only have two cards left in my deck. Do you want to play again? Okay, blackjack. Oh boy, and I have no cards left for myself, so I guess I don't get to even try to play? Oh Jerome, what is it? I feel like... You are lucky. You are one lucky goose, I'll tell you that much.

Thank you. This has been the most fortuitous, accidental, I ended up in a city instead of being out along the side of Lake Tahoe for my marathon of all time. I guess I'll just cash out. You've by now forgotten that someone else started the game, right?

Oh, fully.

Yeah, fully, fully, fully.

Great.

Poor Jerome. He can't win. The house is not behind him.

I think Ricky's taking advantage of it because $80 is way too much to pay for a deck of cards.

Yeah, he'd go somewhere else. I do like the idea that the dealers have to play with their own money, where it's like, I am getting rocked today.

Yeah, the odds are still good. I still have the odds here. Yeah. But I'm playing with my own money, so it just makes it so much harder.

Every once in a while, the players are going to heat up. I almost said audiences are going to heat up.

Everything's a show to you. Everything's a show.

Janet in Reno, everything is a show.

That's a good point.

Tell me you've never been to Reno without telling me you've never been to Reno. Ever been to Reno, Janet?

I've never been to Reno. Wait, what was I supposed to do? Tell you without telling you?

I have everything I need, and I think I have everything here that I need.

I've never been to Reno. Have you ever been to Laughlin, Nevada?

Mm-hmm.

You have? I've not, no. It's on a river. Is it on the Colorado River? What river is it on?

I used to live in Las Vegas, and we would go to Laughlin, but I can't recall what body of water is there. Do you remember what you would go for?

Yeah, wait, what would you go for?

Yeah, like what is in Laughlin?

Is it- Just more gambling?

Near Hoover Dam, maybe? That's awesome.

I think it might be near Hoover Dam, but my memory of it is that it is definitely like, sort of, like, take all the glitz and glamour out of Vegas and just leave the sad gambling. And then put a river next to it. And that's what I remember of Laughlin. And I remember, like, the last time I was there was so long ago. I feel like I might have been in college. I'm not sure. But I went and, like, walked into a casino and immediately got a nosebleed.

Like, I have no idea. From the stress of odds?

I was like, this can't be good. Yeah, just immediate, like, walked in, the air was dry, I don't know. But I was like, this, I don't think this is a good, and I'm sure everyone around me was like, that's a really bad omen.

It's, it's funny because when, when people think like gambling or they think casino, they think Las Vegas, you think like one of these huge buildings, all these slot machines, you know, dealers, poker tournaments, you know, roulette, like all of this stuff. But like most gambling, well most gambling nowadays is like done on your phone for like sports games and shit. But I remember in Illinois, like I think it's like outside of Chicago in like suburban Illinois. Adal, maybe you can help me if you've experienced this as well. But like slot machines are like in restaurants and shit. Yeah. Oh yeah. Because I remember What's up guys?

It un-romanticizes GAMP, like where Vegas romanticizes it when you go to small town USA. Even in Alaska, I had never seen this before, they have a bunch of halls designated for poll tabs, which I don't even know really what a poll tab is. I think it's like a lottery ticket, but instead of scratching you Yank on a little tab or something? I don't know. But it's gambling. But it is really sad to see people just keep... They're like, 10 more. Do their thing, 10 more. Do their thing, 10 more. Like, it's really sad.

It's the thing where it's like, you think, like, smoking is so romantic. If you think about, like, a Parisianer, like, you know, at nighttime at a cafe. Are you trying to say prisoner? Or you think of, like, a cowboy, like, rolling a cigarette on the open plains.

And giving you a little smile with his yellow teeth.

Most smoking is just like eight people crowding around a heat lamp in like the dead of cold winter all just like chain smoking and you're like oh no this is actually not, this isn't like sexy and fun.

Yeah there's thought machines like if you change planes in Vegas even in like just tiny terminals There's like rows of slot machines where you can just quickly go and spend a bunch of money before you go on a plane.

I do love that because you're in Vegas. It's like putting a McDonald's in like the coat room of a really nice restaurant. You're like, you're here to eat, right? How about a quick double cheeseburger? Your table is going to be 30 minutes before you wait. Then there's like, they could do the whole bread and water thing. You could suck down a cheeseburger right now. Hey, look, I've sucked down many a cheeseburger in my day. I know, it's fun. Okay, here we go.

Again, could not tell you how many... When was the last time I ate a McDonald's cheeseburger?

Wait, really? Well, no, you said eight, but when was the last time you sucked one down?

When did I suck one down? Yesterday.

Yeah, I sucked one down yesterday.

I blunt them.

Sucking on chili dogs?

Uh-huh.

I can tell you the last time I ate a McDonald's cheeseburger because I was probably 14, because that was the last time that I ate a piece of meat, and I used to love McDonald's cheeseburgers.

I associate McDonald's cheeseburgers with looking like they've already been sat on before you even... That's part of it, I guess.

Yeah. I smelled someone else's McDonald's the other day and I kind of got a little queasy and I thought, huh. How far we've come. Used to love sucking these things down.

People say sucking down, right? No, you can't say that anymore. Just this episode. You won't be able to get through this episode without saying, suck it down, some food.

In a lot of rural America, the matriarch or patriarch of the family will make dinner and then they'll ring a little dinner bell and they're like, all right everyone, suck it down.

Suck it down, suck it down, suck it down.

I think we have a couple more of these riddles left, so we'll go with this one. This is, I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, am past.

Okay, I have a problem with most of the grammar that was in this riddle.

Yes, and the grammar is important for the answer to the riddle, I will say. It's not a mistake. When I first read this, I was like, huh, but then I was like, oh, I get it. It's part of it. Okay.

I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one.

And by the time you know I'm there, am past.

Hmm. I enter hand in hand. I enter hand in hand.

I'm trying to think of who holds their hand in their hand, and all I can picture is little kids in choirs.

And of course, trees under the ground, and then Janet, big laugh, because that's a callback.

Callback to the summing circle. Remember in the first half, Janet?

In the first half of the episode? Janet, nod your head.

You guys, of course I do.

Yeah, of course you do. I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, am past.

Am I crazy? Don't little kids who sing choir, don't they put their hands in their hands?

You have to cup your hand in your hand.

Like they can't sing without doing that. Adal, you're not crazy.

That breaks the chain. If you take your hands apart, that breaks the chain and you aren't able to sing anymore.

Don't let Stevie Nicks hear you say that.

Never break the chain.

Never break the chain. She's huge, I never break the chain.

Never break that chain. I'm seen with no one.

Am, wait, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, am past.

Am past. I actually think this would be a big boon to Janet and I solving this. Could you read the riddle again in a foghorn leghorn type voice? I would love that also.

I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, am past.

Yeah, it just sounds like a court statement. Yeah, it does sound like that. Your Honor.

I'm stuck on am past.

Am past is good. Am past I think is am past.

But I don't know why I am, other than like, when you said am past, I was like, oh, am is morning. Morning past.

A.M.

P.M.? I'm so close. Or JPC's choking on something he tried to suck down. Don't suck down a cheeseburger.

I tried.

Oh God.

This is how JPC does the vowels. I don't even have a cheeseburger. I was sucking down the thought of a cheeseburger and I got caught in my throat.

Sounds like a lyric from... Who would sing that to me?

That could be a cake lyric, couldn't it? Cake lyric, sucking down the idea of... Yeah, so morning passed.

Yes, so when morning passes, and I'll read it again, I enter hand in hand, yet seen with no one, and by the time you know I'm there, a.m. passed.

The moon.

Hand in hand.

Moonless sun.

Reno? Is it Reno? It's not Reno and it's almost not the moon. It's almost not the moon. A.M. P.M. A.M. passes. Dawn. Dawn. And there's a hand in hand. What would this be?

Oh, a hand in hand. Noon. It is noon.

Wow. It's a clock hands.

Yes, it is a clock hands. It is noon. It is a clock hands. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Yeah, your nose is bleeding.

Get it? Oh, that's... Well, that's a sure sign. Sure sign. Hit me. Hit me.

Hit me. You have sugar things disease, right? There's one more, and then we'll get to it.

Did you say you have sugar thins disease?

Yeah, the boxer Sugar Thin. You have the same disease that got Sugar Thin.

I said you have Stranger Things disease.

Sugar Thin joining us for the weigh-in. Sugar Thin weighing in at, oh sugar, 64 pounds. Sugar, you shouldn't be boxing. Sugar! You're gonna get clobbered. The guy's four times your size, Sugar Thin.

It does make sense if they name a category after him. Like, below lightweight is Sugar Thin. That's like Wafer Thin, but even thinner.

You're Sugar Thin. Listen, I am a diabetic with high metabolism, and I love to box.

All right, one more riddle.

Yes.

Let's play Tetris. At 16, dressed out and unclean, bouncing balls in between. Two pawns, a bishop, and a queen. 69-ing.

That's too many items.

It's too many items.

69-ing.

69-ing, interesting.

You have to fit together like Tetris pieces and there's balls bouncing.

Yeah, making Tetris pieces 69 won't win you the game, but it will get you somewhere.

Let's play Tetris. There are so many things were named in that. I felt like it was the, these are a few of my favorite things.

Tetris and bouncing and buzzing the sugar. Can you read it one more time?

Let's play Tetris at 16, dressed out and unclean, bouncing balls in between two pawns, a bishop and a queen.

Are these Taylor Swift lyrics?

It feels like it, huh?

Touch me while your friends play Call of Duty.

Everything is lyrics, okay? Everything is lyrics.

Everything is lyrics. Everything is lyrics. Every kiss begins with lyrics.

Totally.

Erin, you haven't guessed this whole second half.

Lamp post? It's not lamp post.

What if it was?

That's a decent guess.

What if it was? What if it was?

If it was, if it was. But think about it, because when you say lamp post, that, it would explain the whole, like the chest pieces that get mentioned.

Yeah, yeah.

Because a knight, I mean a bishop looks like a lamp post.

I don't think you're going to give this one, so I'm going to explain it. Can you give us a hint?

Okay, sorry, go ahead.

How about, give me a shot at it.

Okay Erin, so let's play Tetris. At 16, dressed out in unclean bouncing balls in between two pawns, a bishop and a queen.

Ew.

Yeah, that's what we all thought.

Is it a lamppost? Bouncing balls? Bouncing balls in between seems really important. I don't know why I'm zeroing in. This whole show, from the very beginning, when we first started recording this whole full show, I felt like there was, there's like, if I can just sniff out the key piece, there's gonna be a key piece in each of today's riddles. And for some reason, bouncing balls in between feels like my lifeline.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Bouncing balls in between would be pong? No, not pong.

What's another thing that bounces balls in between?

Table tennis?

Ping pong.

Ping pong?

No. Similar to pong in that it contains one of the words. Pinball.

It's not pinball. So Tetris is obviously... It's not tennis? Minesweeper? These all sound like old-timey computer games or something.

It's not old-timey computer games. Two pawns, a bishop, and a queen. I guess you could play chess on a computer.

You could play chess on a computer.

I used to play chess on a computer in Minesweeper. So I'll walk you through it. Let's play Tetris. Each shape in Tetris is similar in the way that they are all a combination of four squares. 16. Is four squared. Dressed out in unclean bouncing balls in between, you might be playing the game of?

Four square.

Four square. Two pawns, a bishop and a queen is? Lamp post. On a chess board is a lamp post. And the answer is lamp post! Yay! Casey, hit them with a voicemail theme!

It's the end?

Leave a voicemail at 805-RIDDLE1 Leave a voicemail and you might have a little fun Dear Blue Crew, I'll call you in spite of years of silence

Ooh, the hit us with the fade out.

I love the- Expert move.

Expert move to hit the fade out. A lot of people send themes that are over 30 seconds, no fade out. Guys, 30 seconds with a fade out, perfect. Of course, that is a Weezer cover submitted by someone whose name is River. So, River on Rivers, I guess. River and Rivers in conversation. That could be a riddle.

I think this also inspired me. Next time I'm Old Man Puzzles, I'm going to do some Hinkerton Pinkertons. And those are going to be Weezer-related hink pinks. And those are going to be very hard to write and there's going to be one of them. And I won't be doing them and I'll be forgetting about that abruptly.

I hope my internet doesn't work that day either.

What do you mean? What do you mean, Erin?

I was here the whole time.

If you want to submit a voicemail theme, 30 seconds or less, send it to hrrpodcast at gmail.com, hopefully in a WAV file. Casey, do we have a voicemail?

Hi Erin, Adal, and JPC.

And Janet. And John.

My name's James. I have a question about my improv team. We've been together for about five years, and it's a great team. But the thing is, they want to do musical improv, and we have been doing it for the last couple of years. And it's fun, but I just prefer straight improv. So how do I get them to go back? What should I say to convince them? Thanks. Proud of you.

Aw, I needed that. I worked really hard this episode. It's nice to get some validation.

Out of the blue, just a beautiful little sentiment that we all needed.

Yeah, that went to my chest. That made me feel really good.

I've got good news and bad news for you, James. The bad news is your improv team is over. But the good news is your improv team is over, so you can continue on with the rest of your life. But they're a musical improv team now. It's time for you to leave and go start a new team if you don't want to be doing musical improv, because they will never come back. They have joined the dark side. The powers of the Sith are too strong. The laughs are too easy to get. They will never come back to building scene work ever, ever, ever again.

Yeah.

My advice would be every time you're doing a show and your teammates are singing a song and you're in the scene and they sing a beautiful little verse and then they kind of pass the baton to you for you to sing your part. I think you don't sing. You look at them and then you kind of turn to the audience in a conspiratorial way and you go, that was weird. And then you go, anyway, the rent is due. Yeah.

That's a fun hook. You know what I mean? There are plenty of improvising, just musical improv groups, but very few of them have someone on the inside as the audience proxy constantly checking in to say, this is absurd, right? We can agree, this is dumb.

We had too many, which of course you remember, Erin, we had too many poorly-grammared riddles today so that it really felt like it broke my ability, as you've just heard, it broke my ability to just speak regular English.

And I remember that from being here the whole time. I would say sort of a similar bit of advice that Adal is giving. Become a liability, right?

Make them nervous to have you there. Because you can't collect unemployment insurance if you quit. They have to fire you. That's the only way you're going to get rich.

Another improviser on the dole, huh? You improvisers.

My big advice would be listen to me rap on this show right before you walk in. You will by proxy forget how to rhyme and become a liability to your musical improv team and they'll go, we have to go back to regular improv.

Because we have to keep this person who's a liability, that's for sure. We can't let them go.

That's a good point. Yeah, no, that's not going to work how you want it to. But maybe you could... I mean, James, have you had the conversation where you're like, hey guys, like, I think one thing we should really consider is staying, like, you might stay sharp in a different way if you don't just stop doing non-musical improv altogether. What if, like, you guys compromise? Are you willing to work out a compromise where, you know, every other show is musical or... Yeah. I mean, James, you would know better than I would.

Start dating someone on the team. Let's call them Dave. Now you and Dave are dating. Have a messy breakup, okay? So much that it breaks Dave. Like, Dave is completely broken. And then, when you go back to improvising, be like, musical improv was kind of Dave's thing, so like, to serve Dave, let's let Dave, who's had enough, have that. And let's all just go back to doing... Then you get rid of Dave. You get rid of musical improv. You get to do a little bit of fucking, which ain't bad.

Wagging a cigar, JPC. Like a Parisian cowboy. JPC, say your advice. Call back.

I do.

I love it because I remember that, bonjour, I have to get on my own.

Don't get specific, Erin. Don't get specific. Yee-haw. Wee-wee-haw.

Wee-wee-haw.

JPC, exact advice you gave, but I also recommend anytime somebody in the scene makes up a song, start to cry and say, that was our song. That was Dave and I's song. That's Dave and I's song. Also, Janet, you said something that made me think of something else that might work, which is working for Broadway right now, which is anytime Broadway is like, ooh, we have some original musicals, but we have all these other theaters to fill, what shall we ever do? And then someone's like, how about we shoehorn in a plot to make a jukebox musical and just shoehorn a plot into a ton of Patsy Cline songs or something. So anytime it's your turn to sing in the musical improv show, you just sing any sort of top 40 hit, word for word. And I think that'll work out pretty well.

There was a pianist who used to play for IO, and I saw him do a show once, and you're playing piano, it's like improvised piano, and someone was doing a monologue, and he started playing Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror, and it fit really well, but I was like, that's a really interesting choice. And then I saw a show a month later, and it was a very different context, and he started playing that same Michael Jackson Man in the Mirror, and I was like, oh, I hate this guy now. You gotta not play popular songs in the middle of your musical improv set.

That's so funny.

Let's get to some plugs. Let's start with you, Adal. Adal, what are you plugging?

Ooh, I am going to go ahead and plug. This might be controversial. I'm going to go ahead and plug 100 foot tall skeletons from Home Depot.

Wow. Nice.

Yay.

I remember that part. I was there for that part. I loved that part too. You guys?

You were there for all of it. Janet. What? Of course you were there. Huh? You were there.

Also, hi Janet. Hey Erin. It's so good to see you. I feel like the Hey Riddle Riddle canon is that I am always in every episode. I just am not speaking or I'm muted and I don't realize it. Just like Erin, sometimes you're just silent for 50 minutes. Can we establish that? Yeah, we established that.

Many episodes ago. I was trying to prove a point about my value. I wanted you to miss me.

Erin, what do you have to plug?

Huh? I have to plug... Out of all episodes, I think about this. You know what, I'm going to plug sitcom D&D. Wow.

Feels right. Yeah. Feels good. Give that one a plug.

And I'd also like to plug our Patreon. I'm loving the content we're doing over there. Give it a shot.

It's fun over there, especially our review crew for this month where we ate 60 grapes. Janet, what do you have to plug?

I have to plug the JV Club, my podcast where I talk about people's teen years, awkward teen years, everyone except for Casey Toney, coming for you Casey, has been on that podcast, everyone in this room at this moment. And I'm also going to plug the Penguin baseball shirts. I know that technically it's not April anymore, but I'm wearing mine. I'm really loving it. And I definitely am getting puzzled looks and questions from people out on the street who want to know what is wrong with me.

I mean, Janet, it's called April of the Penguin, so really you're on theme for being late.

That's true. As long as you're late, you're going to be. Then you're honoring the penguin. Then you're on time.

I'll tell you who wasn't late, and that is the person who wrote this five-star review. If you want to get a five-star review featured on the show, just go ahead and submit a five-star review. I might pick yours and read it today. I picked Jimmy Jam, the meme man, who says, I'm a Puzz Hound. My name's Jim, big fan of the show. These three, as well as guests and Casey, wow. are the absolute best. I work overnights and listen to podcasts for my whole shift, so I burn through them. In fact, I found this show in September of this year, and when Spotify Wrap told me in late November that HRR was my top podcast, I couldn't even be surprised. I listened to over 200 episodes in about a month and a half. Hard not to when these guys bring their A-game in, like, most episodes. This episode included, I'm sorry, Keep It Up, Jupiter Forever, Wow, Jupiter Forever, Jimmy Jam, The Mean Men, ending our episode for us.

Oh, I didn't even have to say it.

We didn't even need you here, Erin. That's sufficient.

Wait, the point I tried to prove.

Created by Adal Rifai, starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney did the editing, and Marnie Perrins did the music. So great.

Hey there ooh-la-las and oh-baby-babies, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We return to the Name That Tune game, but this time we're going back to the 90s. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month, and you get those ad-free episodes. See you there!

That was a HeadGum podcast.