Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Erin, this is a suggestion. You might want to take that necklace off. It is the jangliest necklace in the history of necklaces.

And I can hear it, which means the episode has it in it. You look very nice. I will say you look very nice.

People are going to think that it's Santa though. And that's kind of fun. Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell.

Breaker, Breaker, Breaker 9, this is Mastacholi, come in for Mastacholi, Breaker 9.

This is Breaker 9, Mastacholi, you are a go, over.

I'm heading off-ramp over to the BP, if you want to meet up for some- This is Lil' Nuts, is anyone calling for me, Lil' Nuts, over?

Lil' Nuts!

Oh, Lil' Nuts, this is Breaker 9! Oh my god, you're back, how was the hospital?

Hi, Breaker 9. They sent me away again. They said false alarm again. They called me the boy that cried wolf.

No, Little Nuts, you'll figure it out. I know you're just a boy truck driver and that would make for a good movie someday, but just know that we will call for your call signal if we are talking to you. You cannot keep interrupting every 10 minutes to say, hey, did anybody call for me?

Alright, I love you. This is Breaker 9. Master Choli, why don't you keep it down, okay? Lil' Nuts is on. We want to know what's going on with their life.

Breaker 9, this is Master Choli. Hey, man. What's going on? Are we okay?

Oh, you went to a BP gas station. Well, big fuck it. Who cares?

Master Choli, this is Lil' Nuts calling out to say, what are you guys saying?

See, Master Choli, see what happens when you talk down to Lil' Nuts?

Breaker 9. My tummy hurts.

Oh, Lil' Nuts. Master Chorley, get him some tummy medicine. You're at the BP.

Breaker 9, I'm not going to encourage this 9-year-old driving a semi. He's jackknifed 10 to 12 trucks. I mean, we can't keep taking this kid under our wing.

I'm about to jackknife you, Master Chorley, if you don't leave Lil' Nuts alone.

Jackknife coming in, are you guys calling for me?

Mastocholi to Jackknife, this is Mastocholi or Mastocholi, I don't know what people are calling me. Act like you asleep.

Guys. Speaking of being asleep, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. I'm sure you're dozing off to this late at night.

No, you've made it two minutes in, so you're not quite asleep yet. So I go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.

Yeah, you're short on an in-between. What month is it?

Erin, it's Riddle Month.

May, okay, well then I'm late. I gotta go.

Uh, late for what?

I don't know. Uh, guys, what's going on? What's new? What's happening? How are you?

I'm pretty good. Erin, how are you? I don't answer any of these questions, so what's the polite thing to do?

I am fine. I'm good. And Erin, are you wearing a wire? You seem really concerned with how we're doing today.

Yeah, trying to get info on how I'm doing? What the fuck?

They're on to me. Get me out of here safely.

Erin, you're speaking into a piece of cake as if it's... Yes, I must be.

Anyways, what's going on with you guys?

I recently... I'm going to start doing that in improv scenes.

Like, oh, Adal, you fell down the stairs. Oh, I must be. I must be.

I must be.

I must be. You've said it, so I must be. I recently went to Disney World for the first time.

Yes. How was it?

It was fine. I am... Happiest place in the world.

Come on.

Well, here's the thing. Happiest Place in the World is, by the way, great branding for them to just be like, oh, this is the happiest place in the world.

Because it puts pressure on you to be happy.

Something's wrong with you. But I did get to see, I am a fan of people watching, and I did get to see some of my favorite things to see in public, which is kids having meltdowns and then parents not being able to understand or deal with the kids' meltdowns. And then I also saw some things that I would qualify as like, Parents being kind of little bitches about their kids having meltdowns too. But either way, it was very, very fun to see. There was one ride that we were on, and Disney doesn't really have a lot of Exhilarating rides. They have some that are a little faster or whatever, but it's not like a rollercoaster park. It's not like a Cedar Point. Is that a rollercoaster park?

Kings Island, Cedar Point.

Yeah, exactly. But there was a slinky dog rollercoaster that was going on, and there was a family. It was a man and a woman, and then their two daughters. And it looked like the older of the two daughters, who may have been a Preteen or early teen was visibly crying. She didn't want to get on the ride. And the parents were trying to pull her onto the ride. And I was like, guys, just let her not go on there. And the ride ends and begins in the same spot. And the employee was like, you can just wait on the other side for them. The ride also takes 30 seconds. So it's like, they'll just be here on the other side. And I was like, Jesus, parents, like, take the cue. And they're like, you'll like it, you'll like it. And the girl was like crying. And I was like, I don't think she will. I think that what you're doing right now is you're giving her a core memory that is very bad.

I know how to assuage my daughter's fear. Brute force. Pull, pull her, pull her arm. That's insane.

Oh, that's so stressful.

I know. And so you got to see a lot of people having very stressful situations. But also, I have this theory, and I think that, and I could get some flack for this. Disney is not for children. I used to think like, oh, Disney adults, it's weird that adults go to Disney. It is not a place for children. It is not a place I think that you should bring children because to go to Disney- This is such a hot take. You have to commit to being there kind of all day, and kids do not have the sensory capacity. Most people in their normal life don't get the sensory overload that you get at Disney. They cannot make it. They cannot be expected to sustain themselves throughout the day like an adult can. So when kids have meltdowns at Disney, it is because I feel like that is on the parent. The parent, it's like you put them in a situation where they are for sure going to have a meltdown.

They're waiting in a line in the sun for four hours and then you wonder why they, uh, yeah.

Or, like, every store they go into, because it's Disney, it's also, it was very hot there, and you go inside to get air conditioning, but everywhere that you go inside is, like, a store with a million toys in it, so it's like, uh, not, you can't really, like, take a kid into a store with a million toys and they're not, like, able to understand, especially, like, young kids, like, oh no, we can't just have all these toys, like, these are all for sale.

What do you think would be the youngest age of kid that you would recommend? Mariah and I talked about this.

Ten years old. Whoa!

That's so much older than I thought.

Ten years old is the youngest that I would ever consider bringing a child to Disney.

I do have friends who have taken like eight and young like between like maybe five and eight year olds to the park and they all say the same thing when they come back which is like it's like how was Disney World or Disneyland and they're like spent a lot of time in the hotel yeah we get into the park and after two hours I'm

Young little babies. I saw like a newborn like five days out of the hospital looking fucking baby at Disney. I was like, this is, this is at this point is a sickness. It's like you, I don't know what, how you schedule this like vacation or something, but it's like take a week. You have a baby, take a week. Do it for you. You know, you don't need to be at Disney.

Honestly impressive. Giving birth and then being like, I know where I want to be. The hot, hot sun. Space Mountain.

Space Mountain. Gotta get to Space Mountain. JPC. Yes. Did you go to Galaxy's Edge? Is that what it's called?

Yeah, the Star Wars zone.

What did you think? What are your thoughts? What's going on?

I liked it. It was fine.

Did you buy a lightsaber? Did you try the blue milk?

I did not try the blue milk because it was 100 degrees, and I thought the idea, even though it's not actually milk, the idea of drinking blue milk, novelty doesn't really appeal to me in that way, so I'm like, I don't need to try the blue milk. But I did go with my friend who has purchased the lightsaber before, and he did say it's very cool. They have a very, it's like $300, but they have a process for you going through, and Hey Riddle.

Oh, okay. I mean, all part of the experience.

It was pretty late though.

Yeah, the sun had gone down, so it was pretty late. You could drive into Disney now. Erin?

Yes?

You just got back from the second happiest place on earth, a little green isle We like to call Ireland.

Yes.

Or I-o-land.

I-o-land.

How was I-o-land?

I loved it. I had never been before. And I had the best time. Got to go with some friends from Chicago. And we started in Dublin, and then we drove west. And I liked Dublin a lot, but I would recommend... To the sea? Yes, to the sea. We went to, like, Dingle, and we did, like, the Ring of Kerry, and it was so beautiful. And I know my heritage is all Irish, and so I thought I would feel at home, but the air and the water, and I immediately got to the cliffs, and I was like, I'm the queen of this place. I should be commanding a fleet of ships from these cliffs. I feel like I have come home to something. I should be a farmer here. Something has gone horribly wrong. I'm supposed to be in Ireland.

Queen farmer. Interesting.

You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. It's the same.

Erin, Erin, I gotta ask. You went to Ireland. I gotta ask. What? Catholic or Protestant?

No, don't.

No? And think about it for a second.

And think about it.

I'm from a very Catholic family. Nice. The Smoots. No, well, that's not an Irish last name, if you can believe it.

Yeah, I believe it. The past tense of smite.

We'll have her on the podcast. We're talking to you, Erin! She would be such a good get. If I'm ever sick, you should try to get my Aunt Barbara. She would be hilarious. She's great.

I wanna ask your Aunt Barbara what it was like to fuck that Irish guy.

I literally was just gonna say that. I literally was gonna say, can we ask her and interview her about that guy?

Um, you know what? She would probably come on and talk about that. And talk about how he had charm. He had charm!

Like what attracts a shark in the ocean?

Yeah, exactly.

And honestly, it's very similar for that guy.

Adal, I think you're going to love Ireland. I love traditional Irish music. I think you're going to love the pubs. You're going to love the vibe. I'm really excited. Very excited.

I've been once before when Magic Tavern did the London Podcast Festival or something. I went, and maybe I told this story, but I'll very quickly say, I only was in Dublin, so I'm excited to explore outside of Dublin. And we're going to stay with some friends in Donegal. But I went to Dublin and I went to the Guinness Brewery or whatever it is, the factory, the huge unit there. And I remember being on the fourth floor and hearing somebody laugh. And I was like, that guy laughs exactly like Travis McElroy. And then I turned around and it was Travis McElroy.

And then we hung out for- Irish Travis McElroy.

Yeah. Travis McElroy, which is completely different.

And you heard his laugh, and did he say, is that a Travis Cackleroy? Wow, that's fun.

Is it? Is it? And then you went to the chiropractor, and you did... He got a Travis Cackleroy.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah. Okay.

I don't know. I don't feel anything anymore.

You could have done that without biting your lip so hard your mouth started bleeding.

It hurts! Why are my teeth so sharp? When did they get so sharp?

Then you went to KB Toys and found a Travis McElpoy.

What are we doing? What are we doing? I don't know. What are we doing? Let's start the podcast over.

Breaker, breaker.

Did we say what the podcast is? It's Erin Riddle. It's, you know, it's Erin, JPC, and... Banana peel.

A banana peel. A banana peel. Banana peel, mm-hmm. And I want to start things off, well, we're balls deep into this episode.

We want to start things off though. Pardon?

We're going to start things off with something a little new. This is just going to be like our warm-up. And these are called mad gabs.

No. Adam, don't even joke. Hold on.

Easel. Easel 80s man. Easel 80s man.

He's an 80s man.

Are you doing a Jar Jar Binks? I would never. Erin, you're very close. I would never.

He's a ladies man.

He's a ladies man. Easel 80s man.

Adam, we vowed to never do these again.

I pillow fuzz sigh. I pillow fuzz I. I prophesize.

I'm Adal Rifai.

Wow, actually, it kind of works.

I pillow fizz I. I pillow fizz I. I pillow, I pillow, my pillow, my pillow. Election recount.

GBC got it?

Wait. Yes.

Yes. I pillow fizz I. I pillow fizz, I pillow fizz I. Okay, now, now you see why I said not to do them.

You feel insane, don't you?

I would say that that person over there is the eye-pillow-fizz-eye.

Oh, uh... Apple of his eye.

Yes. Muabdib. JPC... Dune. Lisa Naqaib. Oh, from Friends, right?

Yeah.

Play TV?

We're on a break!

Lisa Naqaib. Spelling cut. JPC, you haven't gotten any of these, so what I'm asking you to do is... Is that correct? You sure noodle. Use-a-door-oodle. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll.

Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll.

Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll.

Use-a-door-the-blue-doll.

Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the-blue-doll. Use-a-door-the

Okay, Casey, also just cut the slurs. Can you beep those slurs? Can we do all beeps on that?

Because that was just a series of... No, you're sick and tired of it, JBC.

That's right.

Yeah, disrespecting the slurs.

Okay, here's what I'm finding out is, one, I guess you can't say slurs on this podcast anymore, which sucks for me. Yeah, it sucks for all of us, honestly. And two, Erin, what's going on? You got all of these so fast.

Well, my brain is uniquely broken.

Yeah, Erin's got a **** for a brain. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What?

What? Whoa! Whoa!

Where's the line?

I don't know. Tell me where the line is. I'll walk it. That's insane. Erin's got an East Londoner for a brain? That's disgusting.

Yeah.

Protestant. A Protestant for a brain.

Well, I guess we're done with Mad Gabs for whatever reason, but should we get into... Maybe forever, right?

That's what I'm supposed to do on the show forever?

Except for when we're looking for something a little new. Why don't we do some riddles? Those are tried and true.

I love it.

Let's see what we have here. Okay.

I'm three letters. Do you guys remember when we did Paul Ruddles on the show?

Oh, yeah. Where it was like an image of a Paul Rudd movie and then we had to...

I was showing you an image of a Paul Rudd movie and then you had to guess. I was cleaning up my Google Drive the other day and I saw that file and I was like, I can delete this. And then I thought, well, I guess I can't delete that because it's now connected to an episode where if people listen to the episode for the first time, Basically, I realized I will have a document called Paul Ruddell's forever. I have to keep that now forever.

And did it break your heart?

Well, you know, it was one of those things where it's like we've done so many episodes of the show that sometimes we'll like forget about a type of thing that we used to do all the time, you know, or that we liked doing. But this is the opposite of that. I forgot about it, but I don't want to revisit it. So it's like, I will now always be reminded of a thing I don't want to revisit.

JPC, the people are demanding more Paul Ruddells. They've been knocking on our door.

Am I just writing trauma? I think I have trauma over Paul Ruddells. Here's what's going to happen. 20 years from now, your kid is going to be all grown up. And they're going to say, this is so weird. I barely knew my dad because when I was one years old, he turned into a coyote and ran away. Let me go through, oh, my mom is finally giving me his old laptop. Let me look through his computer. And they're going to find a folder that says Paul Rudd. So we're going to open it up and it's going to be a bunch of images of Paul Rudd and a very prominent image of Ryan Reynolds shirtless with a belt buckle. And they're going to go, they're going to slam the laptop shut and be like, huh?

I do love describing that photo as Ryan Reynolds, shirtless, with a belt buckle.

With a belt buckle. And nothing else.

And nothing else.

I'm three letters. Remove one and I become stronger. Remove two and I become ten. What am I?

Say it again.

I'm three letters, remove one and I become stronger, remove two and I become ten. What am I? And I think you might want to start at the end and work backwards with this one. It's probably easiest.

All right, so remove two and I become ten. So that's X. So there's an X in here. And remove one and I become what? Stronger. Okay. Remove one and I become stronger.

Mm-hmm. And I'll give you a hint. With three letters and with two letters, we're talking animals. We're talking animal kingdom.

Okay. So, ox and fox.

You got it. Nice one. Wow.

All right.

Erin, he's like you, but with madcaps, but with riddles. Mm-hmm.

That's way more useful for this show. Erin, I'm just like you. No, no, you're nothing like me. We're the same.

Erin, the same twins.

No, we're nothing. No, we're nothing alike.

I push my cheek next to Erin's cheek and I say, someone take a picture of the twins.

Oh, it burns. It burns. Why does it burn? Ow, ow, your skin.

I have a lava rock in my mouth.

That'll help.

Nope. Contrary to my name, I am no queen. Hold things against me and my measure is seen. What am I?

Contrary to my name, I am no queen. Hold things against me and my measure is seen.

That's right.

Okay, hold things against me. So if you're like a measuring tape, you would hold... You are very hot.

A ruler!

You're a ruler. Erin, I do want to see a scene.

Got it.

You are a ruler, so to speak. You are a queen. You are a queen farmer. GPC, you're one of the peasants that lives in this village with this queen farmer, and you are having a conversation with her in the morning.

I'm just here to deliver your potato ration.

Curtsy, please.

Are we talking to me or your horse?

Both.

Oh, okay. Good curtsy. Here's your potato as well, curtsy. And my liege, my queen, here, curtsy, here's your potato ration. Even though you farmed the potato and I'm just the potato delivery Seems like I just picked it up from one pile at your house and brought it back to you.

Do I have to explain to you how the economy works?

No, I don't.

It's cyclical.

I wouldn't be able to... I can't grasp it. It's too big for me.

Anything else? Because it's time to milk the sheep. Nope. Can you milk sheep? That's goats.

I don't think goats can milk sheep either. I don't think anyone can milk sheep. The Queen has been jerking off the sheep!

No, no, no!

Hold on, hold on!

Hear ye, hear ye!

I heard from the town crier that you've been jerking off the sheep.

No, no, no! How do I get ahead of this? How do I get ahead of this scene?

You gonna give head?

No, no! The Queen is trying to call scene! Hear ye, hear ye! No, no! Get me out of here! Oh my god! The scene's getting smaller! I can't get out!

The world is getting smaller.

I'm trying to punch through the ceiling of this thing. Ow! Ow! Oh, thank you. Oh, thank God. Oh, I love it when a music hits 22 minutes in. Thank you so much. Oh, God, get me out of here.

That was some real Grant Morrison Animal Man moves going on here. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Anyways, that was scary, that scene, huh?

Sometimes a show is very scary.

Yes, agreed.

Yeah, I agree. Which is why, leave it to the professionals. Don't try to answer riddles on your own, okay? It can get pretty scary.

Yeah, be careful out there, everybody.

Yeah, be careful out there. Kids don't answer riddles at home. No.

And kids, stop listening to this. This is for 18-year-olds only. Well, hold on.

How long does it take to give an impression? Like three minutes? Listen for the first three minutes and then turn it off. Yes. So if you're listening now, uh-uh-uh.

Yeah. If we've gotten to some of the swears, turn it off because now it's not the part for you.

Yeah. Contrary to my name, I am no queen. We answered that one.

Ruler.

Okay. The person who makes me says nothing. The person who takes me knows nothing. The person who knows me wants to get rid of me. What am I?

Wait, say it again?

A toxic friendship. The person who makes me says nothing. The person who takes me knows nothing. The person who knows me wants to get rid of me. What am I?

Knowledge.

Interesting, Erin. The person who knows me wants to get rid of me? Well, it can't be books because Adal is the contrapositive to that. This guy has millions of books.

Oh, I am so contrapositive. Two little guys shooting their way through an alien.

There's an ointment for that. Contrapositive.

Yes, you can get some ointment for being contrapositive. Do we say contra-positive can still get you pregnant? No, that doesn't make any sense. We don't say it. We don't say it in that situation. We don't say it.

No. Good. And JBC, write that down.

Very good, very good. In another situation where I don't say that thing.

The person who makes me says nothing. The person who takes me knows nothing. The person who knows me wants to get rid of me. What am I?

Can I have a hint?

Erin, your hint, let's see. This involves something that we all have many, many, many thousands of times over-touched and had on our person and in our homes. STD test. But... Phone. Buddy, are you okay?

We're all okay. We're all okay. We said we all do it.

I want another one. I don't believe it. I don't think any of us would ever know if we had this specific version of it. A spoon? This is something more coveted. Erin, I don't know if you will believe me, this is more coveted than spoons.

Okay, when everyone wants to eat yogurt and all the spoons are in the dishwasher, you tell me what people are clamoring for.

Erin, can you grab a spoon, and can you go to settings, and can you go to firmware, and can you just tell me what version spoon you're running right now? I think you might need to update your drivers on your spoon. Oh.

Hmm. Maybe.

Is your spoon not performing in the way that it used to?

Even so.

Yeah.

I'll say this is, to my knowledge, not checked for often. Maybe every once in a while I'll see somebody check for it. Carbon monoxide. Carbon monoxide.

I check once a year.

I check once a year. Do you keep a carbon monoxide detector on your person? Yeah, my nose. Dumbass. It's like carbon monoxide. It actually is very good. Touche. And the way people test for this that I've seen, there might be new technology, the way I've seen people test for it is to use a marker.

Height.

One way. Wow, height is interesting. The other way I've seen is to hold it up to the light.

Oh, dollar bills, monies.

Okay, but this is a specific type of money. The person who makes me says nothing. The person who takes me knows nothing. The person who knows me wants to get rid of me.

Fake money.

Fake money.

This is counterfeit money. Ding, ding, ding. You're both correct.

I'd like to see a scene. GBC, you're a banker, and Adal, you're trying to get some cash out of the bank, and you hand him what is clearly not real currency, and you're trying to get away with it.

Hey, how can I help you? Excuse me, bank man?

I... Bankman. It's just Bankman.

Thank you. Jacob Bankman.

Jacob Bankman. They make us at PNC, they make us do our full name on the tag, yeah.

Of course. I am reaching into my vest to produce what is a everyday normal piece of money. Sure. And I trust that you will give me back Today we're

Okay. Okay, yeah, I found you right here. Yeah, so absolutely, we can exchange. What denomination are you looking for?

Catholic.

That's usually a joke that I do, and I've been told to stop doing that joke. Here's what I'll say. What currency are you looking to exchange?

Money to money.

And go ahead and just slide it through the little slot down here and I can make change for you.

Don't turn it over. I squashed a spider with it. The other side is real gross.

Okay, well this is one-sided. Is there loose paper on the other? I'm sorry? I'm trying to get to know you. So this is not Tender. No, stop trying to kiss me through the glass. That's not what I mean. That's not what I mean. It's not legal tender. This is not money that is backed by the United States federal government.

That's okay. I'll sign. I'll back it.

Yeah, okay. So, no, at PNC Bank we... We are not able to exchange money that you personally back for legal tender. I can give you money that other people have backed and exchanged. Because we get a lot of people, not like you, but of your ilk in the bank who are exchanging their own type of money. Is that something that you're interested in?

Pulls out gun from vest. Can I sell you this gum?

That is gum. I hate when I go to the bank and then you go and the little glass thing has kiss marks all over it. You're like, whoa, everyone else is trying to kiss the bank teller. I'm not the first one today. It's humiliating.

Yeah. Disgusting.

Stronger than steel. You're sitting there and they say, next. And you're like, I'm actually waiting for him. I'm in line for him.

This is like the kissing booth from high school. Stronger than steel, though not man-made. Hidden in darkness, I prefer the shade. Sticky with glue, catching those I find. Yet no one wants me, I'm much maligned.

Come. What? Huh?

Much maligned. Erin, all these sheep are crowding around you.

You guys, I actually just realized we cannot talk about any more barnyard animals coming. We've reached our limit for the century. Hold on.

You did this.

No, I didn't.

Much maligned. What is this, my line at the kissing booth?

I meant to say milking goats, and then I realized they said sheep, and then I tried to course correct, and now I'm thinking about pigs coming again, and it's your fault.

No! Casey, you have it so, you have it so quickly. You have it ready so quickly. Is it a hotkey? Why is it still a hotkey?

Well that's Casey's secret is he's always playing it and then he just unmutes himself. Casey's always playing it. Erin's holding her heart. Erin, your heart is broken.

Ugh, I've never thrown my headphones off so fast.

Okay, let's, uh, okay, JBC, JBC, we have to, we have to help our friend. Quick, what is the opposite of a pig coming?

A pig going.

Going where?

A horse going. Afternoon!

He walks out. No time to talk, late to work! Uh, what is the riddle? Something about a kissing booth.

Wait, what?

That can't be right. Stronger than steel, though I'm not man-made, hidden in darkness, I prefer the shade. Sticky with glue, catching those I find, yet no one wants me, I'm much maligned. What am I?

Is this like an ant trap? You are very close.

A fly trap? You are even closer. A Venus fly trap. A JPC trap. This is a JPC as a fly trap.

All right, I got a question for you guys. What would be your, like, version of an Erin trap or an Adal trap? Like, if someone were trying to trap you... Oh, trap you. Nobody trap us. Nobody trap us. But if someone were trying to trap you, what would do it? You know what I think would do you, Adal?

A pile of flannel shirts?

Absolutely.

It doesn't have to be a pile, it could just be one.

He jumps into it like a dog going into a leaf pile.

I try and catch one on my tongue.

I think it would be like, if the situation is you have a free day, you're walking around and you walk past a storefront that was some sort of Lumberjack-themed escape room. I think that you would probably just... You would probably walk in. You mean the forest? James, you mean the forest? You would explode. The forest. It's the forest. I think if you got near the forest, Adal, that would get your ass. Do you think if you had a free day and you were walking around and you saw some sort of lumberjack escape room on the street, you would go in there, right?

I would bolt. I would race over there to be like, hopefully there's still room. Hopefully there's still time. That sounds incredible. And actually, I do want to do an outdoor Lumberjack-themed escape room now, and I demand it. That'd be pretty fun.

GPC, what about for you? Like a little cup of raccoon piss?

Swish around your mouth? If it's a big cup with a heavy discount. If it's like a $2 cup, a big cup of raccoon piss.

GPC doesn't swish with mouthwash in the morning. It's raccoon piss.

I drink raccoon piss, sure, but I'm frugal.

Yeah, I'm not gonna buy the raccoon piss at the grocery store, where they'll charge your arm and a leg.

What are we talking about? Oh, Aaron Trap. What would be a good Aaron Trap? Okay, so... A charcuterie board, honestly.

A good Aaron Trap... If Aaron reaches for a charcuterie board, like, the handcuffs go on, and they're like, we got her.

Gotcha. That was very easy.

Hmm.

Yeah, I think that would be great. I think that an easy JPC trap would be if you just had any store that sold coffee, I would probably walk in there.

Guys, I think this is way too easy.

Any store that sold coffee? Yeah, you just think, if you have a sign on the front of the building that says coffee, it doesn't even need to be spelled right, it could say Covfefe, I'd still walk in.

There are hundreds of thousands of JPC traps around the world.

Yeah, there's a lot of them. There's just a lot of them.

Erin, I think for you it would be like a big box with a piece of wood underneath it, kind of holding up the box. And underneath that box would be Joni Mitchell with a plate of oysters.

Is she going to hold me while she sings?

Well, Erin, there's a plate of oysters, so I can tell you she might not be holding you, but she'll be rocking you, if you know what I'm saying.

And she's sitting on top of Kishi Bashi.

Oh my God. I almost drove to go see him this weekend. He was in Anaheim, but I was like... Wow.

So if you want to do an Erin Trap, it can't be in Anaheim. It's got to be like a 15-minute drive. No, it's too far.

Also a good Erin Trap would be have her mom and dad divorce while both being very wealthy. No.

No. Send her to camp. Wait.

Have her meet a British version of Erin.

Hold on.

Yeah. They fall in love.

Pierce my ears.

I think, okay, a good errand trap would be, oh, um, if you, like a store, a store, ah, God, a store that sold the jangliest necklace of all time. If you could go, if you could go in there.

What do you mean? What do you mean?

Earlier today.

Oh wait, it's Santa's sleigh.

It's Uncle Santa.

Oh, Uncle Santa, you're here.

Uncle Santa's corpse just fell down the chimney. Ho, ho, ho, ho. It's me, Uncle Santa. Wait, you sounded like a horse there for a second.

Yeah. Sorry, I haven't had my coffee today. I'm a little hoarse. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Get out.

Get out. It's May. You're way too early or too late and I can't with you today, Uncle Santa.

I don't think I come when you think I come. And no, Adal, we're not doing a riddle. We're not.

We just said no more pigs doing their business.

Are you calling me a pig? No, no, no, no.

Oh, he's leaving. No, he's not. Oh, he's leaving.

He fell down. He's holding his knee. Fucking magic necklace. God damn it. Un-summoning me.

Phew. Pays to have that necklace, huh? I guess it summoned him, but it also got rid of him.

It's true. It's a multi-purpose necklace. And as we all know, that necklace, great for podcasting.

And I'm so sorry I wore a jangly necklace today. I wanted to look cute. I actually got up, and I actually took off my makeup from last night, which is so embarrassing. And you know what? I went, I'm going to try it. I put on a necklace, and JBC, in the gentlest way possible, went, hey, honey bunny. You look so sweet today, little honey bunny. Hold on.

Hold on. No, no, no, no, no. I did not call her honey bunny.

You go, hey, sweet Erin. Hey, sweet Erin. The necklace is really loud. You look cute, though.

Listeners- I do think you look very good today, Erin.

Thank you. Listeners, the names that JBC calls Erin, it's a lot of pet names. It gets really uncomfortable for me, Adal, who would never do that.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

I spread it around, though. I call Adal my little thuck stick bull.

Whoa! Where's the beep?

I asked him to. The lord of beeps is dead, Erin.

I think a JPC trap would be just a bunch of communist pamphlets spread out in the street.

I think that's a little too obvious. I would look in that door, and then look behind me, and there's a van that's house painting, and there's a big satellite dish on the top of it, and I'm like, do I go in the door?

We got him. Well, speaking of, we got him. We gotta take a break, and we'll be right back with- We haven't taken a fucking break yet? Hopefully the answer to this riddle. Holy shit. Wow, JPC, your aura is kind of, it's kind of like a gray.

Oh, thank you.

Like a dark gray. Do you mind if I take a picture of your aura?

Oh, no. And honestly, I get stopped all the time asking if people could, did you say take a picture of my aura?

Speeding, or? Yeah, take a picture of your aura, because I want to put it in my aura digital frame, which is my new favorite thing.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm on so many people's Aura digital frames that I would be honored to have my Aura on your Aura.

Oh, my Aura on your Aura. Yeah, that sounds great. I got these Aura frames. I gave one to my mom for Mother's Day. She absolutely freaking loves it. You just upload any pictures you have, pops up into the frame immediately. If you, like, I bought my mom a frame, I can upload pictures to her frame at any time. It's one of the best things I've ever purchased for my mom.

Yeah, of course. I mean, they're Wi-Fi connected digital picture frames and they allow you to share and display unlimited photos. And like I said, my aura photo, my gray, it's kind of like a storm cloud energy that I have. Yeah, I can see that. Sometimes I, like the top of my head is actually wet because of how powerful my aura is. And people stop me all the time, ask me for my picture. They say, I want to put this on my frame. It's perfect for Mother's Day. I want to give this to my mom for Mother's Day. I want her to see this stormy man that I met. It happens to me all the time.

Yeah. Oh, and we should say that Erin got sucked into a book. Um, you know, they also have great privacy. You have complete control over who has access to your frame and the Aura app lets you share photos more securely than with email, which many other digital frames require. So people can't steal your sort of gray, your grayish sort of energy.

Yeah, and the book is over 100 years old. Aura was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and selected as one of Oprah's favorite things. Aura frames are guaranteed to bring joy to moms of all ages. And right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $30 off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Use code RIDDLE at checkout to save. Terms and conditions apply.

I would open the book to help Erin, but I don't want to get sucked in myself. Of course, no one does. Yeah.

Okay, and then I'll just go, and I'll start with the jingle. Is that okay? Whenever you're ready. Hanson's shaving! You better shave your hair!

How was that? It was pretty good. It was a little bit more yacht rock than before, which is actually what we're going for.

Oh great, because my call said Yacht Rock. I mean, that's why you brought JPC in. I mean, I'm Mr. Yacht Rock.

Yeah, exactly. And we here at Henson Shaving are a family-owned aerospace parts manufacturer that has made parts for the ISS, International Space Station, and Mars Rover, and now we're bringing precision engineering to your shaving experience.

Okay, now I didn't know that about aerospace manufacturing and International Space Station. I'll give you a jingle with more of like a space feel, if that's okay? Perfect. Thanks for watching.

I'm

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho Hanson Shaving! Shaving at the beach!

Huh. Okay. That was actually pretty good. That's more of an Elvis. You know, just like Elvis in the 50s, I want to say, Henson Razors works with standard dual edge blades to give you the old school shave with the benefits of new school tech. Once you own a Henson Razor, it's only about $3 to $5 per year to replace the blades. Just like in the 1950s when razors were like $3 to $5 a year. And now it's thousands.

In Henson Shaving, what's the best razor? Not the best razor business. That means no plastic, no subscriptions, no proprietary blades, and no planned obsolescence.

Erin, go ahead and tell us how to get those Henson razors. Oh, she got sucked into an ancient book of evil. To an ancient book of evil, yeah, so she's not gonna be able to tell us. She's in a world we can't even begin to imagine. I'll read it. It's time to say no to subscriptions and yes to a razor that'll last you a lifetime. Visit hensonshaving.com slash riddle to pick the razor for you and use code RIDDLE and you'll get two years worth of blades free with your razor. Just make sure to add them to your cart. That's 100 free blades when you head to h-e-n-s-o-n-s-h-a-v-i-n-g.com slash riddle and use code RIDDLE.

Okay, 100 free blades. Let me just do another- Whenever you're ready. Another jingle? Okay, 100 free blades. He's the black hunter of vampires, and there's a hundred of him. Hence and shaving, 100 free blades!

So is it like Blade Siblings, or he got cloned?

I don't quite know how it works. This show is brought to you by Helix Sleep.

Oh, Helix Sleep is the saving grace in my life right now. I'm so stressed, I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, but because of my Helix Sleep mattress, I sleep like a baby even though Erin's, you know, somewhere in the dark abyss of the book.

And we don't know... We don't know what's in the book. We just know that it's a book. We don't know that she doesn't have a Helix Sleep mattress in there. We don't know that inside of the book you can't take the Helix Sleep quiz, which I did, and I got matched with a Midnight Lux mattress, which is one of the best nights sleep I've ever had on this mattress. It's such a relaxing sleep, and we don't know that that's not what Erin's experiencing in the book that she got sucked into.

Yes, and we realize everybody's unique and everyone sleeps differently. You know, Erin sleeps inside of a book. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. I know me, Gemma, our cats, we all lay on this bed and we all just zonk. We're all just so comfortable.

Yeah, plus it's shipped straight to your door, free of charge, and you get a 100-night trial and a 10- to 15-year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress. Plus models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions, plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night, and if If there were to be a mattress that helps you sleep in the abyss of the book that you're trapped into, I think Helix would be a strong contender for making that mattress, which they don't currently, I do have to say.

Yeah, and we should say their sort of booklet that comes with the mattress, if you open that, you're totally fine. You're not going to... It's not going to put you in a new sort of... The book that Erin got sucked into was over 100 years old.

So Helix hasn't been around as a company for that long. Not to knock them, but I mean, a lot of companies haven't been around for over 100 years.

They're going to be.

And that's because... They certainly will.

That's because they're doing such things as offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to HelixSleep.com slash Riddle and use code HelixPartner20. This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. And don't touch 100-year-old books. Hey Riddle Riddle. And we're back. We're back here on the Great Green Emerald Isle.

Wow, Adal, really good.

Yes, Adal, really good. Thank you. I've been practicing for the last five seconds.

Wow.

Erin, do you think from your recent excursion to Ireland, do you think you got any better with doing an Irish accent?

Certainly not, no.

Did you at all slip into it by accident, by osmosis, by symbiosis?

I think that I started talking, oh, I just did it right now. I think I got a little more sing-songy in the way I was talking, but it's like the most charming, glorious accent. I fell in love every four seconds while I was there. Everyone was so charming and had a great accent.

When you went to Galloway, is that how you say it? Did you see Ed Sheeran?

No, but I did make Harrison Lott listen to Galway Girl an unreasonable amount of times. We were the only two that drove there. Maybe we only listened to it once on that trip. That's unreasonable. Once is still unreasonable. I made him listen to it several more times and it was in our head the rest of the trip, which I'm sure people in Ireland don't love that. Is Galway worth going to? You know, Galway was really cute. You know what it reminded me of was Cape Cod.

Never been. Of course. The potato chip?

Yeah, the potato chip. There's a beautiful church there. It's really fun. It feels like young people are there and artists. I went to their little clatter museum and I got a clatter ring.

You're supposed to put the point of the heart outward, right? If you're married or if you're not.

If you're not in love and then inward if you are in love. I felt like I got there and I was planning on buying a clatter ring in Dublin and didn't really find anything I liked, but I did buy a clatter charm for my charm necklace.

Oh, I heard another thud. No, no, no.

No, get out, get out.

Sorry, I'm all wet. I was just in the shower.

No, gross, gross. That's not water. That's clearly not water. That's way too thick.

I didn't say it was. Oh God. That's motor oil. Oh God.

Erin, we were talking about Cape Cod, and my brother's actually in Ireland right now, and he just sent me a picture of these. Did you have any of these while you were in Ireland?

I've never... Oh, in Ireland? Yeah. We had weird potato chips. I don't know if we had those.

Were they TATO brand? Cheese and onion TATOs. Went to Galway and I thought... Oh, they're telling me they know about elevensies. Have some TATOs, Mr. Frodo.

What was I even saying?

Who cares?

You're talking about Galway? Yeah, it's a boring story, but I felt very moved to get a clatter ring. I was like, I want to get one, but it's stupid. My mom has had one on her right hand her whole life, and I used to play with it in church when I was bored. And I bought one, and then I took a picture and sent it to my mom, and I went, I got it in Galway. And she went, that's where I got my Clattering when I was in my 20s is in Galway. And then I sent it to my sister and she went that's where I bought my clattering was in Galway. So we all were coming from a mile away, separately moved to buy clatterings in Galway. That's sort of a boring story.

No, that would also be a fantastic story if your mom was not in her 20s. Because you went and you're

And I'm 32. And I'm pretty old now. You're a million, Adal. I'm pretty sure you're in your late 60s. Thank you.

You're welcome. I don't think we should be throwing stones if we live in very old bones. My brother also went to Ireland, or is there now, and he sent me this photo, and he said, I found the Irish version of J.P. Riddles. Would you like to read what this says?

J.J. Riddles. J.J. Riddles.

Yeah, that's definitely... It's a restaurant, I think it's maybe in Dublin, called J.J. Riddles.

Honestly incredible.

I think that restaurant has a strong case to sue me so maybe I will not be going to Ireland because I do not want to get into a contiguous, I'm not really sure what their legal system is over there, with Mr. J.J. Rutles.

Better safe than sorry.

Well you'd be judged by the Farmer Queen.

Yeah.

I mean, he jacks off.

Erin, you're doing it.

I'm not doing anything.

No one's doing anything except Riddles, which we're all doing, and Adal, I believe.

I'm not doing anything.

Erin, you're not the boy who cried wolf. You're the boy who let the wolf out and then cried wolf.

And then jacked it off. You guys, this is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. And I know that for sure.

I don't think I've ever heard Erin say jacked. No, it's very funny. I just don't think I've ever heard you say jacked off so much.

I've never said it before.

This is my first time saying it, I think.

Stronger than steel, though not man-made, hidden in darkness, I prefer the shade. Sticky with glue, catching those I find, yet no one wants me, I'm much maligned. We were blazing hot when we were talking about Flytrap. Mousetrap? Uh, no. We're getting colder. Interesting. I will say it is canonically a type of Flytrap.

Uh, Spiderweb.

Erin? Bingo bango, bingo banjo. Wait a second.

Now look, I feel like I might be on an island here, but did it say something about no one wants me? Yeah.

You want the spiders to eat other bugs?

Yeah, I love spiders. Spiders are some of my favorite things to have in the house.

Okay, you are definitely a spider. We got him. We got him. He's a spider.

Where's the rest of his legs?

Good luck cuffing me with spider legs, all these spider legs. You can't put handcuffs on.

This is my number one qualm with, I think they're called silverfish or house centipedes. House centipedes. A lot of stuff like that, where people are like, I'll see a house centipede and I'm like, oh, kill it, smash smash smash. And people will be like, oh, you're not supposed to kill those because they kill other bugs. And then I look up, type, type, type, type, what do house centipedes eat? And I see the other bugs and I go, no, I'd much rather have these guys than this freak. The trade-off is not worth it.

House centipedes, they look really disgusting because they have all the legs, but it is true that they can't bite humans. They basically do nothing to people. You know, it's like, look, you cannot have no bugs. Your house right now is full of bugs. Like, bugs are just part of this ecosystem.

No, no, don't say that. I have to be here all day. Erin? Erin, is he true?

No, Adal.

GPC is always lying.

If I see flies or something in the house, those are annoying and I'll try my best to get the fly either out of the house or kill the fly.

But if I see a spider- Just follow the fly.

If I see a spider, well, I saw a big ass spider in my house the other day and it was right next to where I was working out. And I was like, I don't mind that the spider is here, but I do not want this spider to crawl on me while I'm working out. So I did get a little piece of paper and I put him in a corner and I said, okay, now you can be over here because it's away from me.

You Blair-witched a spider? Yeah.

I confused the fuck out of a spider. A spider thought, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm moved. I live in Spider Seattle now.

Hello, what's this? Two walls meeting?

I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I've moved.

A corner office? Did I just get Spider promoted?

Oh wait, my house. Wait a minute. No, it comes out of my butt. Here we go. Spin, spin, spin. So lucky. Yeah.

So yeah, that spider had a great life, and then I lost it. I don't know where it is now. So back in the walls for you, spider.

Here's something I want to ask, and I feel stupid for asking this, but... I cannot wait. But I feel like this is... Yeah, front to back. This isn't a safe space, but it's... Wait, I've been wiping side to side.

Wiping side to side is so not intuitive. It is so funny.

No, no.

Wait, am I really not supposed to wipe side to side?

No, you guys. What? Am I too young to retire?

Because if I wipe any other way, it's still like a big lump. But if I go side to side, I thin it out.

I'm going to take my headphones off again. Headphones off again.

Erin, he's talking about his windshield wipers and snow. Sometimes my windshield wipers go side to side.

Yes.

Erin, what are you talking about?

Falling for this again. I mean, have I ever gaslighted anybody in my entire life? I mean, what's going on? What happened to your voice?

I turned into Cheddar Goblin.

Was my voice any different than how it normally is?

JBC, you turned into Cheddar Goblin.

Gaslighting people.

From the 2018 movie we saw together called Mandy at the Music Box Theater right on Southport.

I sat next to Brett Lyons the whole time and he was so fucking high.

I sat next to, I think, you and John Forsyth and he was also very high. My question is, what is, and I have an inkling... What is the difference between a spiderweb and a cobweb? And my inkling is that a cobweb is like an abandoned, it's like a dilapidated home, like shuttered. It's like the spider was like, eh, this sucks.

Vacant, a vacant spiderweb.

Yeah, the spider gets a family and he's like, I need a bigger web kind of thing.

I've always thought maybe it was like the difference between soda and pop, like it was like a regional difference.

Cobweb is seemingly abandoned, spiderweb is still in use.

Okay, so we take out the word spider so that it's not and it's because it's not an imminent threat

Yeah, but are we calling it a cobweb when the spider, like, goes to the store? That would be so funny.

Yeah, exactly. When does it become a cobweb? Does he have squatters rights?

Yeah, what?

The spider goes to the store, comes back, he's like, where's my fucking house? It's like, I am so sorry, I thought it was a cobweb. Also, why are you going to the store? I thought you caught your food. No.

It's not going so well this month. I had to go, like, supplement some of the supplies, okay?

It's not going so well because you won't kill house centipedes.

I do think it's funny too because they couldn't be upset about the cobweb thing because as soon as they go back into it, it's a spiderweb. They're gonna be like, someone renamed this? Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm back and so it's fine.

I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a spider real estate agent. JPC, you're a spider new to a certain city.

Right this way, right this way.

There's a lot of cobwebs in this neighborhood. Is it not? Is there not? Is the residency like an issue?

Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure they're all at like a party. Okay.

Okay.

This is a boot that has seemingly been here for a while. Interesting. And then an old box of Diet Coke. I think a great web could be built between these two.

I'm

Right, right, of course. And you know, you're going to hear rumors that there's a cat around here. Sure, yeah. That's been sort of killing spiders.

Oh my God.

I hope not. But that is just that. A rumor. A rumor. It's a rumor.

And that old woman with a broom. Now, she's just, is she sweeping? She's going to be using that to sweep mostly the floor, I'm assuming, right?

Ceiling.

Welcome to Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that.

What?

I'm gonna destroy you on this deal.

No, no.

When negotiating, you never tell someone how desperate you are.

And I still am willing. I know.

I'm gonna get 10k under asking.

Alright, well, I'm gonna send the cat after you, then.

Do you accept spider money, by the way?

Um, no.

I am drawing a little picture. Oh, oh!

JPC, I just realized what your trap is, what the JPC trap is, and it's a computer open to a budgeting spreadsheet. I'm like, I could get porn on this thing. www. Close the spreadsheet. Let's see here. Be cruel to me and I'll probably crack. Smile at me and I'll always smile back. What am I?

A mirror.

Oh, a mirror. That's a mirror. Yeah, it's a mirror. Classic Riddle answer, a mirror. When I sing, sorry, when you sing, I come alive. But shortly afterwards, I die. When I die, you clap and cheer. That's pretty fucked up.

But I'll be back again next year. An echo, a phone, a birthday, a birthday candle.

Erin, a birthday candle.

Is it a birthday candle?

Yep. When you sing, I come alive, but shortly afterwards, I die. When I die, you clap and cheer, but I'll be back again next year.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal, it's your birthday, and JPC, you're singing him Happy Birthday, and you forget the lyrics about halfway through.

Happy birthday to you. You don't have to do this. Happy bird grave you, son. Time of day is 430. Michigan looks like hand. Hey, happy birthday, Greg! Thank you! Hey, buddy. Well, hey, just wanted to stop by. I need you to drive me to the hospital right now.

Yeah, one of your eyes is all red.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what happened is I got bit by a werewolf last night, and I'm just now... Oh, in the eye? You know when you have a dream and you don't remember it till, like, middle of the day? Yeah? It's that, but for being bit by a werewolf, and I feel like I am turning, and all of my thoughts are going, like, very, very, you know, haywire.

Okay, everyone calm down. I know it's my birthday, but I know what to do. Show me where the werewolf bit you.

Right here.

Okay, and I just have to suck out the werewolf.

Okay. Suck it out of my... Okay. Yeah, and I'm almost done. And I'm almost done.

What?

Still a little bit of werewolf in there.

How do you know?

I just, I can feel it, not quite, I haven't quite gotten it off yet.

And pause. All right, just, I know you guys are all new Hey Riddle Riddle students and this is sort of an advanced question, but how does a scene that start, excuse me, how does a scene, nope, how does a scene start with being sung happy birthday and forgetting the lyrics turn into what it turned into? Someone sucking the werewolf out of someone else. How does a sea melt so much like a candle? Did anyone see a moment where it started to turn? Yes, JPC.

So, thank you. I think it was maybe earlier in the episode, I believe Erin introduced the concept of jacking off animals and then I think that- History will say that she didn't. Both.

Continue your point.

Contributed to the sucking up the werewolf thing. I think that there's an easy jump from jerking off a ghost or whatever Erin had said.

I disagree. I disagree. Yes, Adal?

Yes, I think I know where they went wrong. JPC should have peed out the werewolf. Just like poison, right?

Ah, yes.

If you've ever been by a werewolf, pee out the werewolf.

You are an advanced Hey Riddle Riddle student. You know more than I do.

But Adal was the one in the scene that brought up sucking out the werewolf, so how would it be JPC's responsibility to get to being- I don't remember.

I don't remember if that's true or not. Anyways, let's call class early, huh? Can we have class outside?

Can we have class outside?

Can we have class at McDonald's for class? There's a hailstorm out there.

Aw. Pigeons.

Scene.

Oh, we were still in the scene.

Yeah, technically, yeah.

A scene within a scene. Here's what I'll say. One, I absolutely fucking love that move. Two, that might have been the saddest scene we've ever done because clearly the three of us opened up a school for riddles and the only students were us.

Are us. Yeah, that's not great.

Yeah, and that school for riddles is called J.J. Riddle's Restaurant and Tavern.

We have been sued into oblivion.

And we've been sued into oblivion. There's gotta be some way to not get sued, right? Can't we do some sort of... Can we cast some sort of spell?

We could try to run real fast.

Yeah, we could run away from it. Can't sue me if you can't catch me.

What's something you can outrun? A lawsuit!

It's my favorite thing you do, Adal. I've stolen it. I do it all the time. What about... Oh, I love that, too.

Locking your chicken car. How about we do one more riddle? Okay. Fine. And then hopefully by then the hail is done and we can all go home. Yeah. All over the world, people come to see me. Each person spends several years with me. If you are too young, you cannot visit me. If you are too old, you can't come either. Unless it is required as part of your job. I can make you smarter and wealthier. What am I? I thought that was going to rhyme and it didn't really rhyme. Middle age is a pretty good biff. Is this like college or something? Ooh, JBC. You got it. It is school. All over the world, people come to see me. Each person spends several years with me. If you're too young, you cannot visit me. If you're too old, you can't come either. Unless it is part of your job.

You can't go to a school if you're too young? You can't even visit?

Yeah.

If you're too young, no. You can't.

Yeah, if you're a baby, you can't go to school. Your skull isn't fully formed.

And you can go to school when you're pretty old, like you can do Billy Madison, and you can go to school when you're in your 20s, but as soon as you hit your 30s, you can't go back to 6th grade or whatever.

Yeah, if you're pretty and old, you can go back to school. Like, what's her name from Red or whatever that series is? Taylor Swift. Who's that old dame? Taylor Swift. Yeah. Well, that went quicker than I thought, so let's do one more. Okay. What sweet five-letter word has only one left when two letters are removed?

Cum-a-mum, and then you take off the two extra hips.

I agree with JPC.

The council votes for cum-a-mum-a.

Cum-a-mum-a-mum-a.

That's our official vote.

It's a sweet word. That's five letters.

Okay. What is it?

Nothing.

What sweet five-letter word has only one left when two letters are removed?

Donut, and you take off the do, and then it's just a nut.

Yeah.

Oh, and cum is when you do nut.

And Casey, did we get that clean? Can we isolate that? I will be going back into this episode, and I will be recording cum is when you nut, and I will be putting it into a drop in a future episode.

Is it weird that in 25 years someone's going to find this audio and play it and be like, what the fuck is this?

I don't think 25 years. I don't think so, buddy. I don't think so.

Future generations of our children, our grandchildren's grandchildren will find this and go, oh God, this is awful. How do you scrub this from the internet?

If someone ever finds a recording of me saying, come is when you nut. They're going to be like, yeah, him, the guy who says that in regular life all the time as well.

Do you know the, there's an old saying, and by old I mean it's probably from the 1940s, I can't remember who said it, or maybe I do and I just don't want to say their name because I don't think they've held up well. There's someone who's once said, I don't know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. This is how I feel about podcasting. Once we as a society restart the world... Yes. I don't know with what equipment they will be recording podcasts, but all podcasts will be movie reviews. And I think once we restart the entire universe and mankind in our societies, when we're back to... We start as, you know, basically cavemen all over again, I think we're gonna have to start back at movie review podcasts.

Look, I think we're a long way from movie review podcasts.

And I welcome it.

Check out the most recent review crew where we eat 60 grapes in a minute, or 60 grapes in an hour. While watching What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

That's the end of society, I think.

Maybe. Or at least I did. What did we do for the answer to this riddle? Did we get it?

Nope. What sweet, sticky five-letter word has only one left when two letters are removed?

Adal, anything to plug?

A sticky five-letter word. Okay.

A stick.

Glue. No, but where a stick calls home, this might be found. A tree.

Maple syrup.

Very, very close. The ground. Erin, very close. Maple syrup.

Honey.

Maple syrup's second cousin. It's honey. Erin, it's honey. Hi everyone. When you take off the H and Y, you have one left. One. I would never take off the H and Y. O-N-E. In a million years, I would never take those off. Oh, those are the best letters for sure. That's what makes honey, honey. Yeah. Oh, honey, no. Oh, yeah.

You take off the H and the Y, and basically you're just using like agave syrup at that point.

Which is good if you're diabetic, but none of us are, to our knowledge.

My pee has been smelling like popcorn.

Get tested for diabetes, however that goes.

If you enjoy agave syrup, you are diabetic.

Sorry to break the news to you, but that is... And if you're not sure if you're diabetic, what you're going to want to do is go outside, pee on the sidewalk, and if ants come racing towards your piss, you have diabetes.

Ants come racing towards your piss. You have diabetes. Dave Matthews, man. Hey, workshop family. Ant piss.

Adal, do you have anything to plug?

Erin, no, please, help me.

I'm trying to get us out of here. I got nothing to plug. Erin, you plug. Okay, Jimmy C, you do a review.

Real quick, real quick, real quick.

Well, hold on. I got to direct people to our live shows. HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash live. And if you want to request us to come to your city, HeyRiddleRiddle.com slash request. And of course, I'll read a review. I love doing the shit for you guys. This one is from OhTheHumanity. And that's just a fun way to phrase a little joke in your review. If you want to leave a five-star review, just leave it wherever you leave a five-star review. Love. I really love these beautiful people, but not necessarily how they have changed my brain. 2 out of 10.

Fair. Oh, that's so sweet and so sad.

Yes, love the people and not the poison. Pee out the poison, oh the humanity.

Suck out the werewolf.

Suck out the werewolf. And Jupiter. And this is a mercy kill, Jupiter. If you see something, suck something.

Suck out the werewolf. Oh god. Are there any parents in the music? Hey there, grapes and horses, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of our public access. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.