Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

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You know, Plomp, you were saying earlier that being in love is a fool's game, and I'm just wondering if you think you'll ever love again after losing Diane Keaton for the last time.

Well, I think I'll definitely love again, but I may not dance again. Of course, Diana, beautiful dancer.

And that's an hour. OK, that's an hour, everybody. So the episode. Yeah, the episode ended. It is time to get going. And it was so nice catching up with you guys.

Thanks, Felix. Good seeing you. Plom, do you need a ride home?

Actually, I was going to stick around. I don't know if you know the podcast after us, but it's the 300th episode.

Oh, that's right. The Riddle People?

Yeah, is that the name of the show? The Riddle People? What's it called? The Riddle Peoples. It's the Riddle Peoples or something. It's like they do a joke podcast.

You know, I have a bit of a problem with them. They make a mess of this place. There's crumbs.

Oh, yeah.

There's weird. It's sticky all the time after they're here.

There's always one wet seat. Just one sopping wet seat.

Sopping wet seat. It's disgusting. Oh, here they come.

Oh, here they come.

Ah! Happy 300th, Riddle People. Congratulations.

Hey, actually, we don't talk to the cleaning staff, so if you guys can just finish up doing whatever you're doing in here... Oh, no, JPC, this is, um, the Hey!

Relationship Relationship people. We share space with them.

Oh, I just dumped a Dr. Pepper on this guy. I am so sorry.

It's okay. Actually, a lot of people dump Dr. Peppers on me. I'm beginning to think if it happens once, someone's an asshole. But if it happens as many times as it happens to me, I think I maybe just attract it. You have a dump-a-Dr. Pepper face. Does that make sense? Yeah, this guy's got big dump-a-Dr. Pepper out of energy.

We just wanted to congratulate you on 300 episodes. Incredibly impressive. But we're going to head out and leave you to record what I'm sure is going to be a great episode. Gets in hot air balloon, goes up to the sky, hits some wires, hot air balloon burns into flames, dives out at the last second onto a moving truck, and rides off into the distance.

Bye, Beverly. Yes, I'm sure it's going to be a great episode. We got you a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. You just have to go pick it up. It's in the freezer. Just ask for Plomp. Starts to fade away. Turns black and white. Legs turn into a Ski-Doo. Runs up the wall. Legs turn back to legs. Hurts self real bad. Arby crawls out the door.

And I guess I am gonna go find a towel. Seems like the other gentleman here has poured another Dr. Pepper on me. And stop filling up cups of Dr. Pepper. I'm gonna go. You don't need to fill up any more cups of Dr. Pepper. Jumps into my memory, spends time with my son.

Hey, sorry, you're still standing here wistfully thinking of someone.

Yeah, I'm going to dump a bunch of pepper on your ass. Two bunch of peppers on this guy. Oh, I want in. Three. All right, fuck those guys.

All right, bye.

I can't believe it's 300. I thought our last episode was 300. Remember, Erin? Didn't you do episode 300, Erin? Wasn't that an episode that you did?

Yeah, you like redone this.

You did like, this is Sparta and then like, you know, people shut up.

Yeah, I think we did this. I think we did it.

I mean, I'm going to eat that ice cream cake, but... Ooh, that could really hit the spot, an ice cream cake.

I have had way too much Dr. Pepper to even consider eating ice cream cake.

You know, I love ice cream cake. I think I just don't eat it very often because I don't have the money, money, money, pussies, pussies, pussies, it pays to be right. Adal Rifai's 300th episode giveaway.

Wait, is it not a $300 giveaway? I mean, that's right there, right?

Adal, is it not a $300 giveaway?

Adal? Adal?

Is it not a $300 giveaway, Adal?

Adal, it's fine. You'll eat ice cream cake another time.

Keep saving, keep... Adal Rifai, $300 giveaway!

He promised to give us $300 and he's definitely gonna do it. Uncle Adal writes a check. Hit it Arnie!

That's right, we're back and this time we're giving away three.

Wow.

Giving away $300.

$300.

Man, the weirdness of the OnlyFans that I'm going to be subscribing to now has just gone through the roof.

Big time same.

God, the people that are just squashing cake with their feet, now they're going to get money from me.

You had to say cake. That's the one thing I want right now.

I'm gonna win. I'm calling my shot. I'm gonna win today.

Erin, I'm sure you will. And JPC, I'm sure you will. Of course the two of you are pitted against each other. Uh, we've played this game three or four times before, I want to say. And, uh, you know... Let's call it four! $400 giveaway! No, please.

Why not? Dal Rifai, $2,000 giveaway. Uncle Adal writes a check.

Hit it, Arnie.

Money, money, money. Pussies, pussies, pussies. It pays to be right.

Adal Rifai's $4 $1,000 giveaway. Adal Rifai's $4 $1,000 giveaway.

Based on the book, Adalitude, my life and riddles and pussies. Uncle Adal writes a check. That's right, we're doing a $400... $2,000, a $2,000 giveaway. Uncle Adal writes it down. Payment. Money, money, money. Pussies, pussies, pussies. It pays to be right. Please. Uncle Adal runs a credit check. Mercy. No! Never!

Well, we'll see how much money is won, but of course, to be sure, this is a game show and the two of you are pitted against each other. What's going to happen is I'm going to ask you a series of riddles. You can pause in with the right answer. If you know it, you get some money. If you don't, you don't get money. Oh, you lose money. That's what I'm seeing right here.

No. Let me see that card. Let me see that card. Oh, it did say you lose money. Damn it. Fuck. Destroy the card.

Thank God I carry this around.

Al has a card that he carries around with him. It looks like a credit card, but where the name is printed, it just says, you lose money.

It's from Monopoly 2012. Remember when they used credit cards instead of the bank?

Boring. Monopoly sucks.

I'm saying it. Monopoly 2012. Obama's second Monopoly.

Hey, do you guys want to play Financial Stress together as a family before bed? Fuck Monopoly. Play something fun.

Ooh, fuck Monopoly.

Is that like strip poker?

No. It's like Twister with Monopoly. So I'm going to read you some riddles. You either get them or you don't. And along the way, we might have some fun surprises. There's some different categories. And of course, there's going to be some new features, which is at any point during this game, if one of you doesn't want to be in a scene that I call for, you simply just have to say, And the other person will have to do a solo scene. Of course, that might give them advantage because you can earn money and points winning scenes, so you'll have to use that at a well-timed moment.

Nothing tastes as good as I don't have to do improv feels.

Amen.

Let's go ahead and get started. Don't forget to puzz in. Puzz in, yes. For our special 300th episode. Okay, here's the first riddle. What do these four words have in common? Canine, freight, often, and stone? Puzz. I think I heard JPC first.

No, you didn't. You heard me.

These are all Jim Belushi movies.

Pause.

Wait!

Well, hold on. JBC, for a bonus point, I do want to hear the co-star of each one. Canine?

A dog named Ruffles. Freight? A dog named Potato Chips. Often?

A dog named Bosh. Stone? Emma Stone. Oh, Erin, I'm afraid I have to give JBC $10 for that.

Yes! Emma Stone was great in Stone with Jim Belushi.

Erin, you puzzed in?

There's a number in each of those.

Erin, you're dead on K9 for 8 off 10, step 1. Wow. Wow. Erin, you're correct. Thank you. So JPC got 10 points for whatever that was that he said. And Erin, you get 50 points.

How are you, tired? Are you okay? Have we broken you? Have we broken your spirit? You started this show with a song in your heart and a riddle in your hat, and I fear that we've broken you down over time.

That can't be right. Previously on Hey Riddle Riddle. Hey, Erin, JPC. What's up, dickbags? Smack some Oreos.

Smack, smack, smack.

Oh, my throat, my nuts. Ow. Did you guys want to start a podcast?

No, fuck you.

It's about riddles. Farts, leaves. I'm going to beat up your dad. Wow.

And that was last week.

That was episode 299.

That's why I had amnesia and I tried to start the podcast again. What if we had two concurrent running Riddle podcasts? Well, I guess we do with the Patreon.

No, next April Fools, what we have to do is we have to announce that we're doing a second brand new podcast and then it's just episodes of Hey Riddle Riddle. We're just doing, it's a new podcast, we drop it on a brand new feed. It's another Riddle podcast. It's another Riddle podcast. That would be fucking awesome.

I don't want to see a scene, but I do want to see an initiation. Each of you are going to take turns for 30 seconds, starting off the first episode of a brand new Riddle podcast that we'll be doing. Erin, whenever you're ready, you are first. Well, not whenever you're ready. Now, because you're first.

Hi, welcome back to a brand new episode by Riddle.

I fucked up. Welcome back to what?

Oh my god, you guys, we wanted to turn a new leaf and this feels the same. I messed up. JPC teases me. Adal's still sad. Why are we doing this? Why are we doing this? And scene.

100 points to Erin for speaking truth to power. JPC, now.

Hey everybody, this is JPC. The reason that you're hearing my voice and not my co-hosts Adal and Erin is because they do not know that I am doing this. Times are hard, you know? It's hard out there for everybody. We gotta do more Riddle Podcasts. It's the only thing that I know how to do. It's the only thing that I can do. It's the only thing that I'm good at doing. Speaking of things that I'm good at doing, I will also be doing, I can't believe I'm doing this, my co-host's voice as well. So it's me, JPC. Me, Adal Rifai. And me, Erin Keif. Hi, welcome to Riddle Riddle.

JBC, that's 50 points for a good intro. That's another 50 points for nailing Erin's voice.

Hey!

I always remember as it's one level lower than Eden Gravel.

That's a fun trick. Yeah, you just tuned down Tom Waits. And one point for a pretty rough Adal impression. Uh, let's get to another riddle here. You hold me with two hands, but I don't return the favor. The action's in your grasp, but on screen you see the labor. I have many buttons that you press. In combination, I am no conductor, but I do work at a station. Uh, Puz? Yes? Would this be a remote control? Pretty much, but a little more specific? A universal remote control. We'll give it to you. It's a games controller.

Yeah.

A games controller?

You can play games on like a Roku TV, right?

No.

I just don't ever think I've heard it called a games controller. That seems like something when you don't have the rights to say PlayStation. You say, hey man, can you hand me that games controller?

Okay, I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are trying to connect with your nephew, JPC, but you have never in your life seen or played a video game system. You've only heard about them.

Hey, cool guy. How's kindergarten, man?

Hey, Tadra. It's going good.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Is this going to be a long conversation, or can I leave one headphone in and one headphone out?

Not a long conversation. A long hangout, maybe. I say we get some Pepsis, get some Doritos, and play the old... Um...

Uh, sorry Aunt Todrick. Game box. I can't have Pepsis or Doritos because they're essentially poison for children. You would know that if you... What did my mom say? If you were capable, if your womb was hospitable to... Pardon? So, yeah, sorry. I can't have anything like that.

Let's skip those dumb snacks that I hate anyways. Blech.

When is my mom coming back?

She said tomorrow, but I think she needs a couple days, to be honest. She seems like sort of on the verge of something.

Let's play the... She's going to Cabo with her boss, that's what she told me.

Yeah, that's what she told me too.

Yeah.

What does your dad think is happening?

Oh, uh, my dad doesn't ask questions. He is actually kind of trapped in his own little world. He has his model trains.

Great! Um, let's play this... the... uh... Something box.

Play what?

It's a cube or a box or a... This is a shoebox?

You have a shoebox? What do you play with a shoebox? You try to trap a cartoon rabbit?

No, there's some loose games in here. I thought maybe we could play... I used to play Duck Hunt on the old Nintendo, and I thought that we could play shoot-'em-ups on the rectangle of games.

Uh, okay. A thousand points to you each. Even. Even.

Even.

Yeah, I call that even.

I call that even.

The next riddle is, My name is John. I'm often white. Wow, JPZ, this is pretty much nailing you.

I have been called often white in many circles.

Puz.

Erin. A toilet. Come on. Wow, it is a toilet. How did you know?

Because I'm looking at one right now and it's named John Patrick Coan.

You can't possibly have a toilet named John Patrick Coan in your closet.

I do, that's the name of my toilet. I have a toilet and his name is JPC.

You know what my toilet's name is? What? President Joe Biden.

Wow, shots fired. Erin, how many times a year do you use the toilet?

Once, maybe twice.

You get two points.

Thank you. Oh no! Should've aimed high. No, my god, I'm an idiot. That's funny though. Can I have one more point for it being kind of funny? I know it wasn't really funny. I know it was just a prank.

Erin, it was very funny.

Am I funny?

You're incredibly funny. You get one more point.

You're very funny, but I wouldn't want to step on the floors at your house.

And I get that.

Let's finish the riddle just in case anyone was curious. My name is John. I'm often white. If you're desperate, I'm a welcome sight. I'm often engaged but never wed. You use me more often than your own bed. Unless you're Erin and then you use... I miss.

I either miss or I don't get there in time. Sue me.

I guess do you use a toilet more often than your own bed? Because typically you're in your bed for like eight hours a day, but you're counting that as one use. I don't know. Are you on the toilet more than eight hours a day? Depends. Come on.

Sometimes I sleep on the toilet. It's the most comfortable seat in the house.

Yeah. If I fall asleep in my bed, my legs don't fall asleep, which is what I want. How are you supposed to rest if your legs don't fall asleep?

Okay, here's what's going on. This is episode 300. I'm very excited. This is a very special, cool occasion.

You're in the intro now?

We're like 20 minutes in. Well, those people who were in the studio before us, I had to dump Dr. Pepper on that guy's face. Did you see his face? Yeah, me too. He's still here.

He's still here.

Oh yeah.

I'm dumping another DP on him. I'm dumping another DP on him. Everyone please stop. I'm so wet with Dr. Pepper. It's sticky.

It's my fault. I kept bringing up beds and I think we're all thinking of beds and getting a little too comfortable. So what we're going to do to kind of get some energy in our system and not be sleepy and yearning for a bed is we're going to do a wrap for daddy.

Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah.

These wraps are going to be about sleep or beds, anything to do with covers, blankets, pillows, canopy, beds, tents, anything involving a bed. I'm ready. Erin, since you said you're ready, you go now.

When I wake up in the morning, I want to weep, because I immediately want to go back to sleep. My covers are soft and my covers are warm.

Um... She can't sleep and weep.

Uh... Here's a... Adal? Here's a... Here's a little thing about me.

I want to catch some Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I don't want to make you snore. I realize that I'm being a bore. And I'm also a whore.

I'm a whore. I'm a slutty gal.

I like to go out and have a lot of sex with a lot of different people and I'm proud of it.

A slut and a whore is me. I'm gonna go and catch for some z's. That's my rap about not slut shaming and owning it.

Honestly, a slut and a whore is me is almost Shakespearean.

You guys, I have to be honest, I blacked out just now. What did I say and how did that go? Casey, are you with us? You don't think we realized?

When, say, a Nicki Minaj talks about fucking a bunch of guys in her rap songs, it feels empowering. When you do it, Erin, it feels like you're diminishing yourself.

No, no, no, no. I'm a slut, and I'm proud.

I get that, but that's not the feeling. That's not the vibe it gives.

Can I say something about Rap 4 Daddy really quick?

Yes.

Every time I rap on this show, which is famously terrible. I know I'm bad at it. I can't rhyme. I can't think. I can't breathe. Adal will dive out of frame.

He dives out of frame.

He dives out of frame like my rap could somehow hurt him. And JPC protects his neck like my rap could somehow hurt him.

I get tense in the shoulders. It's really, really hard to look at you while you're doing it. It's really hard to do it. It's like, it's like that, that, that, that clip of that, uh, that, I think there's like a Miss America like pageant person like talking, answering a question about like politics or something. And you're just like tensing up the whole time because you're like, I just want it. I want to help. I want it to be over for you. I want you to not have to do this anymore.

Is that where she says, like the Iraq or something?

Yeah, like the Iraq.

I mentioned this before, but that guy I went on a date with said that to be funnier, you just need to suffer more. So I suffer through rapping to make one guy laugh at his desk to go, oh, that's awful and have him have a little chuckle. I am doing the work for that person, that lady who is folding her laundry right now. I'm trying to bring a smile to her face and make her go, thank God that's not me.

Yeah, at least that's not me.

Erin, can you stop folding laundry and get back on the mic there? That was you. That was you.

No, it was me. It was awful. Why did you talk about being a whore?

You proceeded it with, I'm such a bore. And I'm a whore. And I'm a whore. As we enter the 300s, as we hit 301 through 399, I do think we should maybe start to record video so when Erin does rap, we can get some video evidence that might be shared around the internet. JBC, are you ready for your rap for Daddy?

Oh, I forgot that I have to do this. Yeah, it's kind of a formality, but I might as well get through it.

It's a formality. Yeah, sure, why not?

You just have to rap about anything to do with sleep or bedding. Sure. Anything in that regard. Yeah. Whenever you are ready, which is now.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. I'm a slut. I like to fuck in my bed. A lot of people say that I'm fucked in the head. A lot of people say he sleeps on a mattress. I thought that guy just slept on rat piss. He's weird. A weird little guy. I wonder what it's like to die. I wonder what it's like to go to heaven. If I get there, will I be 7? Or will I be 11? Or will I be older? If I'm currently 35? And I die in the next 10 minutes. I'd like to think that in the afterlife, I come back already married to my wife and not as a little boy. Because a little boy who likes to fuck is bad news. I'm a older man. Fully grown. I suck. I fuck. I like to vote. That's all I am saying. When I'm dead, I'll be laying next to, hopefully, my wife. If I meet her in the afterlife.

What the fuck just happened?

That was amazing. Give him all the points.

I just want to formally apologize because this was a little hard to watch. Yeah. This guy who's still in the studio who's closing his eyes and thinking about his kid or something.

Yeah.

He seems very upset when you talked about heaven and if you're going to be a kid.

Yeah, and the wife stuff. It seems like it may be struck a chord with him as well. He can leave.

I don't know if he can hear us. I'm going to... What could I do to wake him up? Maybe... You're feeling a cup of Dr. Pepper right now?

It seems like he's in more of like a Dr. Pepper induced coma where he's just kind of like standing there letting it happen. Maybe. Letting the Dr. Pepper wash over him.

Well, we'll leave him be for now, I guess, but I do have to award 100,000 points to each of you. Yeah, that makes sense. And then for Erin, minus 50,000.

And that makes sense.

That tracks, and that tracks for Erin. Oh, very good. That was delightful. I'm so glad I called for that. Let's get into another riddle here. What is incredibly easy to get into and very difficult to get out of?

Trouble.

Hmm, that's tough to say. Each of you is going to say a three-word sentence, and I'll choose which one wins based off that. Three-word sentence? JPC, pretty good.

I'm here now.

I think JPC wins for accidentally saying a three word sentence.

Blarmp! Blarmp, blarmp, blarmp, blarmp, blarmp. I'm gonna be poor forever. I'll never win money on this stupid show. Blarmp.

You're gonna be poor forever. I have to give $2,000 away. Hey, if we're speaking about poor forever, I've got my answer and it's debt.

Oh, I think that works, but it's not what I have here, and we do have to go with what's on the paper.

What the fuck could possibly be on the fucking paper?

All right, Erin, what do you got? Erin, what do you have? What is incredibly easy to get into and very difficult to get out of?

I don't know. Erin, you can't even say, like, quicksand or a finger trap or any of that shit? Quicksand!

Erin, you're not wrong, but what I have here is trouble.

I said trouble.

When?

I didn't pause. I said trouble at the beginning. Seriously.

Oh, instead of pausing, you said trouble.

I said trouble.

Okay. Interesting.

Casey, did you hear that? Play it back. Play it. Well, insert it here.

Erin, we're in a very unique situation. This has never happened before on the podcast or specifically on the game show. What we're going to do is you're going to be doing an improv scene, not with JPC, but with a special guest that I have under this box. Do you want to take a guess who's under there?

It's Little Monkey Bones. Oh. Breathe? He doesn't need to! I'm seeing no air holes in this box.

Erin, canonically, Little Monkey Bones doesn't have lungs.

Oh, okay. He has airbags. Then I'll stop worrying. Then I'll stop worrying then.

He's a perfect clone. So, Erin, you said trouble, so you and Little Monkey Bones, sorry, JBC, you'll sit this one out. Erin, you and Little Monkey Bones are going to do a scene about trying to pull a prank in high school, sort of getting in trouble in high school.

And Little Monkey Bones is a perfect clone of a perfect clown. JPC. Hey, uh, Little Monkey Bones?

Do I have to?

No, Little Monkey Bones, don't.

Adam? Adam?

Erin, I'm so sorry. Little Monkey Bones used his one. Do I have to?

What the fuck? Okay, I'll do it myself.

So, Little Monkey Bones does get to sit this scene out.

I get to sit out. Erin has to do the scene of being in a high school alone.

And Erin, I'm so sorry to say, because of the timing of Little Monkey Bones using that, since he said it in the scene, you do have to play Little Monkey Bones.

I figured.

Yeah, okay, whenever you're ready.

I figured. Hey, Little Monkey Bones, I was thinking sort of about the prank we're playing later, and I feel like it's too much. No, no, it's not too much. It's gonna make all our classmates laugh. Yeah, but Little Monkey Bones, it seems like kind of dangerous. We're sort of like burning the school down. It doesn't seem so much like a prank as it is like arson. Arson? I hardly know it. I'm Little Monkey Bones. I'm a perfect clone. We're gonna make the school catch on fire and all the kids will clap and cheer. And I'll get to stay in high school a little less time and go into the real world and follow my Little Monkey Bones dreams. I think I'm out, Little Monkey Bones. You're on your own here. Oh, I guess I'm on my own. I'm Little Monkey Bones. Time to burn down a school. Scene.

Wait a second, who is this? Ooh la la.

Don't be attracted to me now, Little Monkey Bones.

Oh, the klaxons are going off. Little Monkey Bones, that is our secret phrase in Uncle Adal writes a check. You have won a live, in-the-moment date with Erin's Little Monkey Bones. Let's get both Little Monkey Bones down here off to the stage left. Goddammit. I can't believe Little Monkey Bones won. That's the thing I wanted to win. Okay, and we have some spaghetti here on a table. Erin's Little Monkey Bones, meet Little Monkey Bones, and here's the start of your date.

Enchanté, enchanted, I'm sure.

Enchanté, enchanted, I'm sure.

Well, well, it seems I have finally met my match. Speaking of match, would you like to light something on fire?

Mon ami, I would like to light something on fire. And speaking of that, can I pour you some wine where I just complain? And complain at you?

I'd love to give you more opportunity to keep talking.

Mmm, this spaghetti's too cold on my hot tongue.

Ooh, you got a hot tongue? I have a hot tongue too. Maybe we could do the tongue twist twang-a-ba-ding-a-lip-it.

Adal, this is awful to watch. Can we?

No, Erin. Shut it down.

I'm loving it.

I'm fucking loving it. We're going to go to commercial break, and then let this keep going, and we'll be right back.

I'll tell you what, I thought I was a slut for my raps, but these little monkey bones are putting me to shame.

Erin, JPC, shh! Come on in, but be careful. All my penguins are sleeping on my Helix Sleep mattress.

Look at that, look at that, the whole team sleeping on a Helix Sleep? Helix Sleep, the mattress by and for penguins?

No. No, that's not it. Wait, that can't be right, that can't be right, right? Of course not by and for, but they love it, just like we humans do.

Um, Adal, I can't wait to wake them up and tell them that I also have a Helix Sleep mattress. I have the Midnight Luxe, and it's by far the best night's sleep I've ever gotten. I miss my mattress so much.

Erin, do you think that people like being woken up to hear that someone has the same mattress as them?

In my experience.

I gotta say, Midnight Lux would have been such a good Penguin baseball player name. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, the Penguins love these models with the memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if they sleep on their side, which most of them sleep standing up, but some of them sleep on their sides.

Wake them up so I can tell them that Helix offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, which I enjoy, a newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. So all you have to do is take a quick Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. Wake them up! Wake them up!

And if they have mattresses for kids, they must have mattresses that penguins can enjoy as well, right?

Yes.

Oh, absolutely. Plus, penguins will love this. There's no better way to test out a mattress than by sleeping on it in your home or your burrow or wherever penguins live. That's why Helix offers a 100-night trial and a 10 to 15-year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress. 10 to 15 years, that's a penguin's lifespan, baby.

Oh, one of them's waking up. Oh, they want to say something. Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash riddle and use code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

And hey, Penguin, I'm sorry. Is there any truth to the fact that Helix is owned by penguins, made by penguins, and it's exclusively for penguins? Or is that just something I made up in a dream?

Oh, he's asleep.

He fell asleep. Quick, wake him up and tell him about your mattress. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Okay, Adal, Erin, I am putting the finishing touches on our Penguin Baseball League website powered by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether we're just starting out with Penguin Baseball League, which we are, or managing a growing brand with Penguin Baseball League, which we are, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with our audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on our terms.

Phew, thank goodness we use Squarespace, because now we can upload video content, organize our video library, and showcase our content on view- beautiful video pages. You can even sell access to your video library by adding a paywall to that content, so people might need to pay a couple extra dollars to see these cute little penguins sliding into third.

Plus, with Squarespace, we can start a completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence from the ground up, tailored to your brand or business, and optimized for every device. And that's the hardest part about doing penguin content is because their sizing is wildly out of whack. You never know if you're going to get a big penguin or a small penguin, but with Squarespace, you can easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated, optimized SEO tools. So you show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. And I hope these penguins grow the way I want, because I'm going to need them to grow really big to play penguin baseball.

Oh yeah, all of our teams need to grow really big, right? We all agree?

Oh yeah, huge.

Yeah. And of course, you can also add courses to your Squarespace site. Squarespace has the tools you need to create and sell your own online course. So we can teach other people how to play penguin baseball. You can start with a layout that fits your brand, upload videos, and customize everything with next-generation editing technology.

So head to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Domains are where penguins live.

Huh.

Huh. Huh.

Huh.

Oh, we did some sort of call. The penguins are flying towards us. They're coming here.

They're coming here. They're running. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

That was so funny, JPC. Oh, uh-oh. I'm feeling drained.

Uh, okay. No, yeah.

My social battery literally just ran out after you told that really funny joke.

Same girl, same. It was a story about me getting into a car accident, but yeah, whatever.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm so sorry. I just, I really hit my wall. I'm feeling a little burnt out, a little tired.

Car also hit me into a wall.

I think I gotta talk to my better help therapist about this.

Erin, I will say it can be easy to ignore our social battery and sweat ourselves thin, especially with social gatherings picking up after the winter and with JPC's stories.

Yeah, Puzbot, you totally get it. You have a battery, I got a battery. You know what? I've been using BetterHelp for many years and it helps me so much. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. I just send a message to my counselor anytime I'm feeling a little low, blue, stressed, anxious, and she gets back to me so quickly in the most thoughtful way. It works for my brain better than traditional writing to a therapy ever did for me.

Yeah. Speaking of brains, I got the brain scan back by the way, just, just so you know, and I'm all clear that there's no bleed. Yeah.

And you just have to fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge.

This is a drawing of a brain.

Always cool hanging out with you, PuzzBot. Always just a breath of fresh air.

If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. I know I have struggled with why was I created to do puzzles. Are we really doing puzzles anymore, though? So... Not really, I guess. That's a good point, PuzzBot.

Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E. Sorry about your... cat? Gypsy? What was it?

Cat scam? I got hit by a caterpillar. Construction. Truck.

Fun!

Watching two little monkey bones fuck on a big pile of cold spaghetti. I didn't have that on my 2024 bingo. It's the center square. Yeah, you have it right there in the center. It's famously the one that is kind of a gimme, the one that's like the easiest to get.

Yeah, that's the Hey Riddle Riddle gimme. That's, we knew, we knew. What else is on that bingo?

A big pile of cold spaghetti.

GBC, can you read some more stuff on your Hey Riddle Riddle bingo card for this year?

Okay. Oh, look at this one. Adal diving out of frame when Aaron starts rapping.

Oh, nice.

Aaron puking on the podcast. We got that one as well.

That one happened fast.

Yeah. Honestly, it's, what, we're in May or April? We're in April of 2024 and I've already filled up it looks like the majority. I have bingo several times over. Wait, you have bingo? It looks like I have bingo. Yeah.

Bring it up here. Bring it up here. Okay, please. Check this. Dive out of frame. Yeah. Okay. JBC. It looks like, wow, I didn't think this would happen until episode 500. JBC does have a confirmed bingo. So that means you go to the bonus round.

Yes.

Okay. Come over here to this podium and we have a box here on stage. You want to take a guess what's under this box?

Please be a human heart that I have to eat before I can go back to my seat.

That's on my bingo card.

I already got bingo. I already got bingo. Bullshit if she gets bingo. JBC, you're going to be facing off in a lightning round, lightning bonus round, against our very special guest. Let me just lift up the box here and here's our special guest. Howard Dean, so you're going to be in a quick lightning bonus round against Howard Dean. JPC, are you ready? Yes. JPC, first question for you. What was Lucille Ball's social security number?

Lucille Ball, real person, also played Lucille on a television show.

Okay, that is time. Howard Dean, what sound does a cowboy make? That's a point. JPC. Okay. Who had a batting average of .278 in 1932 in the Western Conference of the MLB?

Okay, 1932. So this is going to be in between World War I and World War II. And the baseball players of that time hit... That is time.

Howard Dean. Same question. I dropped the card. A different question. When you stub your toe, you make this sound. That's a point for Howard Dean.

I love this.

What's the score? Dean up 2, right? It's 2-0.

It's 2-0.

Oh, and actually you asked me a question, so that's a minus point for you. We go back to Howard Dean. Fuck! Howard Dean. Howard Dean once famously made this noise. That's correct. It's 3 to negative 1. I knew that one. JPC. Yes. Howard Dean lost his entire career for making this noise. JPC, that's correct. Yes!

It sort of feels like Howard Dean stole that answer from him though.

Oh.

No, that was me. I was making... Listen to Howard Dean make the noise. And that's me. I was the second one. One more time.

Okay, JBC, can you leave a little more space between you and Howard Dean? Okay.

Yeah, you're really, like, chomping at his heels there. Let him finish.

Fine. Fine. Howard, please. Okay, and now I will go.

Why does yours have crowd sounds? Howard Dean wins that round. Come on!

Okay, we give him 500 points, which is $500. Howard Dean, thank you so much for your time.

He needed a win, JPC. Let it be.

Yeah, he really did. And honestly, it was awesome to meet him.

Meeting one of my heroes. Yeah, me too.

And Howard, we can cut this sort of talk out right here, but is there anything you wanted us to plug or promote?

We'll validate your parking for you and we'll send you home with a warm meal.

That's why I'm so fucking confused.

Oh, okay, fine. Okay, get out of here, Howard Dean. Sorry, man. Jeez. Consummate gentleman. I guess it wasn't just a scream, he's kind of an asshole.

He is my dream guest for this show, so Howard Dean, if you're listening, and I know you are, God, this sucks. No, no, Erin. No other Erin. Soundboard Erin. It doesn't suck. It doesn't suck.

Erin, what are the odds that we can get Howard Dean on this show?

I'm gonna look up and see if he's still alive.

He is still alive. We've also had a couple people email with like kind of tangential connections to Howard Dean, but I don't know if he'd enjoy himself on the show. Here's the thing.

You're Howard Dean. Your people come to you and they say, this podcast emailed and asked if you'd be on. Should I just go ahead and delete it? No, no, no. Let me see the email. He looks us up. He looks for the most recent episode with a rounded number. That's 300. What a nice even number. He hits play, skips ahead a little bit. He hears this exact same segment.

Hmm.

Does he guessed?

He heard himself win.

Yeah, and we do love him, genuinely. We love him.

Genuinely. Howard Dean, if you're listening, genuinely.

Also, by the way, I mean, he could go to pretty much any episode we've recorded in the last, let's say, 100 episodes, and there's a pretty good chance that you'd hear Howard Dean scream in one of those episodes.

That was the center of the bingo card last year, is hear a Howard Dean scream.

Uh-huh. It's just a gimme.

I do want to see some solo scenes, some quick solo scenes. These will be, we'll say maybe 15 seconds, and I just want to hear what each of you would say if you were standing outside Howard Dean's window, a la Say Anything, sans boombox, and this is you trying to convince Howard Dean to come on Hey Riddle Riddle. JBC will have you go first.

What am I doing in Vermont? I want to say. Why am I here? How did I get here? Is that where I am? Is this Vermont? Hello?

Scene. Beautiful.

Just looking up, where does Howard Dean live?

100 points because Vermont sounds right.

Yeah, sure.

Erin, whenever you're ready.

On January 19, 2004, history changed forever. A man in Iowa showed enthusiasm. He just was a little bit excited and a political career ended up in ruins. Howard Dean, please come on to Hey Riddle Riddle because we would like to be the ones to formally apologize for what we did to you. 12 years after that, Politics became such a circus shit show. We literally let Donald Trump be president. We are so sorry that we let you down just because you got a little too happy one time.

Erin, we're not gonna let him down again in about five months, dude. Just we're being honest.

Oh God.

Erin, come out from behind the desk.

Yes.

Did you time travel and bring sixth grade Erin into the studio to read an essay she clearly wrote about Howard Dean?

Do I get in trouble if that's what I did?

That's clearly sixth grade Erin.

Do I get in trouble?

How do we get her back to her time?

Uh, she's stuck here. She's better off here. I have awesome snacks in my house. I'll let her watch TV all day long.

Well, it's only fair that we travel back in time and grab sixth grade JPC.

Yeah. Once you have one kidnapping charge, you might as well add another one onto it. They can't get you for two kidnappings. Hey, I would also just like to say, I'd also just like to say Howard Dean was the governor of Vermont. Wow.

Nice. In memory. Is tucked in the folds there somewhere. Let's do another riddle. What does nobody want, yet also nobody wants to lose this once they have it? A beautifully phrased riddle.

I don't know.

Nobody wants it, but no one wants to lose it once they have it?

Correct. Hmm.

Kid?

Puz. Erin.

What? What did I say? What did I say?

Nobody wants kids. Erin.

What did I say?

Erin. James is a new father.

Oh, I forgot. What's your baby's name? Is it Bimbly? I want to say your baby's name is Bimbly.

It's Bimblo!

Goddammit!

God bless little Blimblo.

Hey JBC, you said that's a fambly name?

Oh, that's fun. Yeah, it's a hobbit fambly name. 100 points to Adal.

Blimblo blabbins, as I live and breathe. Puz. Yes.

Your virginity. What does nobody want, yet also nobody wants to lose this once they have it? What? JPC, that's a very good guess. That is incorrect. Can we have a hint?

That is insane.

You are crazy. Erin, you said you want a hint. I would say, I'm not going to be so jaded as to say we're experiencing this, but in some way we experience this. Puz! JPC.

Ego death.

It is not ego death. What does nobody want, yet also nobody wants to lose this once they have it?

P.U.S.E.

J.P.C.

Thousands of listeners of a Riddle Podcast.

Close. Very close, actually. Weirdly close.

Tens of thousands of listeners of a Riddle Podcast. Dozens of listeners?

While we think on this answer, I do want to see a scene just to backtrack slightly. The two of you are elves in a high fantasy world and a new baby has been named and you are the two sort of elf elders who have been brought in to name the baby and yet you can't really decide on a name.

This is a tough one. This is... I feel like I've got all my good names out. After 800 years of naming things, I feel kind of at a loss. Okay, okay, okay. Jizzum. No. Why did I say that? Whoa! Whoa! I was thinking like wizard names and I... jizzum.

What about... jizzifer? No? Oh my god, what is happening?

What are we doing? What are we doing? Alright. You know what? Let's say a bunch of words, like non-sequitur words, clean out our system like porcupine, avocado, candelabra... Pineapple, jizz...

Now... What? What?

Nothing, nothing.

Okay.

Okay. Jizz Lane Maxwell. No, that's... Come on, that's awful. I can't do... We're elves. We're elves.

Jizzopher Jizzson Lee. Jizzopher Love Hewitt.

Jizzon Bateman. No, come on. No.

Jizzon Gordon Leavitt. Jizz. Gosh, sorry. Maybe we should take lunch and then come back after this?

What about this? What about this? What if we just give the baby one of our names?

Okay. Okay.

Alright, great. Kyle, come.

What are we doing? What is this?

Where are we?

Where are we? Are we even elves?

Those were two high college students.

Back into it. Back into it.

Oh, no.

Erin, do you own those coins? Yeah, are we even elves? We look like we're in a fraternity basement and there are drugs on the table.

Jizzly Bear.

That's, right? A beautiful name for a beautiful name. A beautiful name for a baby girl.

Beautiful Jizzly Bear. Say, now say, now say... Hey, excuse me. I didn't quite leave the room yet. Abdul, was it? Uh, Adal. Abdul. Is this what you guys do in the show? Yeah, it's like improv and we do scenes. Improv like this? Yeah, I think we're just having fun. Okay. Could I guess sometime? Uh, hey guys. What's up? Do we think Plomp could ever guest on the show?

Are you sort of like a Patreon character that you play? Let me ask him.

Erin, what do you mean by sort of? What sort of do it in that sentence?

That's a good question. Let me ask him. It's certainly the funniest response to that though.

Erin, because you shattered Plump's reality. Sorry. He wasn't supposed to know he was a character. No, no, no, Erin. Don't say sorry because you're about to be punished severely along with JPC.

Yes.

What? Now your Patreon characters are going to have to rap for daddy.

No.

Choose a Patreon character that you play. And you have to rap for daddy with that character.

Haha, J.P. Reynolds is a main feed character. I don't have to select him.

Do I play characters on the Patreon?

Erin! Erin! Certainly! Let's think of some of Erin's famous Patreon characters. The State Lady.

Oh, shut up.

No, that's just there. Tuna 15. Oh, Tuna 15.

The Tuna 15.

A recent poll, the Tuna 15 lady.

Can we make Tuna 15 merch? Because I keep getting requests for it, and I also want it. I want Tuna 15 merch. We can do anything we want. We can do anything we want. Let's make Tuna 15 merch. Will you buy it? Let's leave space for the listeners to respond now, like Dora the Explorer, or like Blue's Clues. Will you buy Tuna 15 merch?

Yeah, you're pointing at me and JPC. Yes, we said yes.

I'm gonna throw out some Patreon episodes just to remind you of maybe some of your characters, okay? Great. Public Access 4, does that do anything for you? The spaceship, the one that we were on a spaceship. Anything there?

Yeah, there's a couple of those.

This day in improv history, the one we did the second time, which was one day off of the first time we did.

Oh, all the Beatles references. This is not a good ad for our Patreon. Now, Erin, who's the Ethel... who has the parties?

Coco Cashmere? Oh, Ethel has parties! Ethel Mermaid!

You could rap as either Ethel or Chanel. Coco Chanel. Coco Cashmere.

I'm gonna rap as Ethel, I guess.

As Ethel, great. JPC, have you selected your Patreon character?

Yes, I'm going to rap as Brian's Turtles. What? A character I don't really remember how they sound, or what their whole thing is. That's what I will select.

And just to keep it fair, Ethel will have you rap about turtles, and Brian will have you rap about parties. I bet you wish you had an informed plump he's a character now, huh? I would like to go first. Okay, JPC, I'll allow it.

Party, party, party, that's what I'm about. My name is Brian and I'm a pet store owner. Oh no, I got a boner. What is this, math class? If it is, it's history for my ass. I'm back in school because I'm in sixth grade. I went through time to come to this parade. Animal Parade, let's play it right now. Bada bada bada, a grenade with a cow. Look around and look around. It's Animal Parade in your hometown. Brian's Turtles, out.

If there's one Patreon character that would be into Animal Parade, it's Brian's turtles. Brian's turtles, I think, would be way into Animal Parade.

Casey, for my rap, can you put, like, in post, like, a 1930s, like, filter over it so it sounds like it's coming out of, like, a record player? Thank you. Because that's what Ethel sounds like. Sure, okay, okay. All right, I'm ready.

Erin, oh, I'm so sorry. Erin's over there. Ethel, you are now going to rap about turtles whenever you're ready.

Despite what you've heard, I'm very fertile. I'm gonna have sex with a turtle. We're gonna make babies and they're gonna be cute. They're gonna come down my chute, my vagina. Then they'll crawl to the ocean. They're going to cause a commotion. Stop it. Guys, I hurt Adal.

You got so into that, Ethel. I broke him.

You did three runs. Ethel Mermaid out. Casey's typing. I don't want to hear it, Casey. I don't want to hear it, Casey. This is too good. Don't stop. He's being facetious. I'm done. I'm done. Cut the music.

Erin, you nailed every single one of those rhymes. You hit ocean commotion, fertile turtle.

What did I say? I don't know what I said.

Erin, we cracked the code. You have to rap in character. Oh, okay.

He said, I'm not kidding. Oh, Casey, bless. Bless you, Casey. A sainthood bestowed upon you. Can we make Casey a saint? Who makes saints? St. Casey?

The Pope? St.

Slepo?

The bishops? We can do it.

This is a citizen's arrest version of making someone a saint.

Erin, it hadn't even occurred to me to make Casey rap for daddy.

Casey, Casey, Casey!

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I guess that's it. Wow, wait, you can just say no to this shit? What the fuck?

That's a novel idea.

Wait, wait, wait, what's the, uh, what do you have to say? You have to say, um... Do I have to?

Don't help him! Do I have to?

Okay, Casey got out of it. Wow. What does nobody want, yet also nobody wants to lose this once they have it?

Oh, we're still doing a riddle? What the hell?

Virginity. Oh, sorry, I forgot I was supposed to mute. I forgot.

Nobody wants, but nobody wants to lose once they have. Yes.

I don't know. Silence. The Wind.

A Death Wish. Silence.

The Wind. I think that's a book.

Yeah.

Death Wish is very good. That's a movie. It is paid work.

Oh. I guess.

Huh. Nobody wants to be paid for their work? I think people don't like working. What goes further when it goes more slowly?

What goes further when it goes more slowly?

What goes further when it goes more slowly?

A tortoise. Puzz. The rap's over. Yes, JPC.

This is going to be a planet. They move very slowly, but they travel very far.

I could fall asleep to this. This should be a JPC guided meditation. Have you done a space one yet?

Uh, yeah. There's the space button.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle. I'm glad I asked. What goes... Here's the thing.

In a way, this is a planet.

Interesting.

I think there's a podcast called Planet Blank.

Planet Hollywood.

What goes further when it goes more slowly? Maybe I'm wrong. What goes further? Erin? Wow. Wow. I wish I could give it to you, but you forgot to do something.

Puzz. Puzz. I'm sorry.

Puzz to sorry. Puzz to sorry.

I puzzed in to say sorry. Aren't I cute?

How old are you again?

40, I think. Oh no. Feels like 40. Looks like 40. Looks like 50. Feels like 40. Is 32.

If it walks like a duck and acts like a duck, it's 40. What is that, Aaron? The weather in Chicago?

Come on!

Oh, come on! Oh, shut up about it!

Shut your mouth about it! Spank me, Ethan!

Spank me!

Casey, clip that part.

No, I would say don't clip it. I'd say just to be safe.

Just to be safe to Erin, let's not clip that ever.

We're going to do two more riddles here.

Okay. Great. Thank you, Adal.

Thank you? Wow, what manners? A king, a queen, and twins all lay in love.

I guess manners don't get you points. I guess manners don't get you points no more.

Oh, I actually wrote down 1,000 points, but was going to tell you later, but then you, okay, I'll just take those away.

You're a grenade into my game. I'm an idiot.

A king, a queen, and twins all lay in a large room, yet there are no people anywhere to be seen. How is this true?

Sounds like my Friday night.

You didn't pause in. She didn't pause in to say that thing about her Friday night. Pause. This is like a three bears house except there's an extra bed because these are all mattresses.

Ding, ding, ding. The king, the queen, and twins are all beds or mattresses. Wow.

I actually like that riddle.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay. And that's a mattress store, right? We're seeing the solution there is like a mattress store?

Yeah.

Those things that can't possibly still be in business. No one buys mattresses from brick and mortar stores anymore. They all have to be fronts, fronts for crime.

People go in there all the time and just lay down on every single bed.

Hey guys, cool it. Okay?

What?

Oh shit, yeah. Okay, yeah.

What's going on? Are we in trouble?

Yeah, just, just relax, okay? Let's just not talk about mattress stores and what they're doing. Yep. Are you doing a guided meditation? What is this? Nope, nope. Just trying to keep the peace. I don't want them to come at us, so let's just...

Okay, obviously Erin didn't listen to my fourth guided meditation, which was me doing it in a mattress store. Embarrassing for her.

I don't want to pay for them. I want them for free. I feel like I should get them for free. Oh, I could. They're on the Dropbox. I'd be very funny to me I might now now I will now I will why not

Hey, if you're just gonna do it, don't do it through your phone. Don't do it through the iOS. They charge you extra money to do it through iOS. Do not do that.

I'll do it through my computer.

Thank you. Thank you! Adal, any more Brain Busters?

What else you got for me, man? Instead of doing this last riddle, what I'd like to do, just because I want to see you two kind of, you know, end episode 300 on a good note. Oh, okay. There's a little bit of tension here.

Not me yelling that GPC's an idiot.

It's mostly coming from Eric. But what I'd like to see is for the two of you to sort of mend this broken fence. And I'd like to see the two of you improvise a guided meditation together.

Great.

about turtles and parties.

Or whatever.

Or whatever. Or whatever it needs to be.

Or whatever. Walk with us down an empty beach. The sun is just peeking over the horizon.

Do I have to?

JPC. He's such an asshole.

Erin, I'm so sorry.

He already did his. No, Little Monkey Bones did his.

Oh my god, he is Little Monkey Bones. Sort of. He's sort of Little Monkey Bones.

Erin, here's the thing. Erin, here's the thing. You have about 83,000 points. I will let you trade in 80,000 points to make Little Monkey Bones join the guided meditation.

I'm not giving up those points. I can do it for free.

All right. Erin, please continue.

Walking down an empty beach. Oh look, we've come upon a message in the bottle. What does it say? Let's slowly open it. It says, I will have my revenge on JPC. It will be sweet. It could come next week or next year, but it will come for him. He should watch his fucking back. Oh, sort of a stressful message. Put it back in the bottle. Throw it off into the sea. Sort of meant for someone named JPC. We'll continue our guided meditation. Ooh, another bottle on the beach. Let's pick it up and open it. I'm not kidding. This revenge might not even just be on the podcast. It could be something I do in real life. And it could be so unreasonable. that you feel concern. It could be financial ruin, emotional ruin, spiritual ruin, or interpersonal ruin coming for you, JPC. Huh, that's weird. Join us next week on a guided meditation where we'll continue picking up bottles on the beach.

Doctor, I don't understand. My back is at knots, but I listened to guided meditation.

And I've been eating the bottles.

Monkey bones. Hey, monkey bones, come here. Hey, come here.

Spank me. Oh, monkey bones.

Hey, I'll spank you in a minute, but it's the end of our 300th episode.

Oh, no.

No, it's a good thing. Yeah, we made it to 300. It's a big deal. Yeah, for whatever reason, the sort of membrane between Patreon and MadeFeed has been really thin this episode. A lot of characters are sort of walking through this back and forth. Is there anything you want to promote, Little Monkey Bones?

Oh boy, yeah there's something that I'd love to promote. I haven't really made this announcement on the show because it's been a while since I've been on, but me and the wife, we have had a baby. Oh my god. Yep, yep.

Wow, Erin, do you feel bad about your kids joke now? Today we're going

Oh, and one for me. And Erin, one for Little Monkey Bones for good measure. Just a quick spank for Little Monkey Bones.

And off you go.

Okay, we finally got Erin on record spanking the monkey.

I'd like to promote nothing. Check out JPC's guided meditations. I'm listening to them today. I've listened to one of them of the new ones and it was fantastic. I'm going to finish up the rest today and I'm going to enjoy them and I would hope that you would join me. So check those out. Adal, anything to plug?

I want to plug Howard Dean. Thank him so much for coming on, and he has a new... Oh, yeah, that's the name of the new book, so check out that book. Also, Plomp, is there anything you want to... What's your point? I beat your character.

Oh, Plomp. Come on. Wow, Plomp.

You're not a character. I mean, everyone's kind of a character.

Torn up. Yeah.

Am I even real? If I cut myself, do I even bleed?

Don't do it. Don't find out.

No, I'm not going to. No, it's like poetic.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no, yeah. I would never. Yeah, sure.

Okay. Felix, missing song, is there anything you want to

Looks like he's just- Big dump of Dr. Pepper. Looks like he's just standing in the corner. Looks like he's kind of waiting for the filling of a big cup of Dr. Pepper. He's waiting for this, right? I mean, he wants this. He would keep standing here if I- He's smiling. Slowly pour- Oh, look, a big smile. A big smile at the wet Dr. Pepper. He likes it.

He likes it. Wow, what a good boy. And a little spank for little monkey bones.

I'd like to go ahead and plug season 15 of Sitcom D&D, season 36 of Magic Tavern. You can find them wherever you find good podcasts. And for Erin Keif and Adal Rifai, this has been Hey Riddle Riddle's 300th episode. Good night, God bless, and good luck spanking the monkey.

Jupiter!

JPC, do you take Zell for $2,000? Yeah. Hey there Waddlers and Snowhens, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's episode.

April of the Penguins continues with some more Penguin Baseball League content. This time, we've got a Penguin Baseball League documentary. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a HeadGum podcast.