Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Ready to elevate your home? Picture this. Central heating, a cozy fireplace, or your dream walk-in closet. Build a backyard oasis, go green with solar panels, or start a business. It's all possible with Figure's Home Equity line of credit. Unlock up to $400,000. Apply online in 5 minutes. Funding in as little as 5 days. Head to figure.com and transform your home. Figure Lending LLC. DBA Figure. Equal Opportunity Lender. NMLS 1717824. Terms and conditions apply. Visit figure.com for more information. For licensing information, go to www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey JPC, come on in. Thanks for coming over for a little bit of a boys night. Thank you for making the time.

This is going to be fun. Yeah, yeah.

So I got a new TV here. It's a pretty wide TV for some reason.

Whoa!

And I got in the mail, somebody sent me a DVD copy. DVDs, right? Of Pirates of Penzance. Let me just pop this in the TV here and see.

Okay.

You a big fan of Pirates of Penzance?

Kind of a misleading invite, I would say. But yeah, I'm happy to be out of the house for just a minute. This is... Did you really want to do Taekwondo? My social time is so rare, I'm just thinking about all the options that I had and how I pretty much get one night out a month and how this was... Nope, doors lock from the inside.

You can't get out that way.

That's how all my doors are at home. Everyone keeps talking about doors locking from some other way. Of course, you lock them from the inside, so you stay in home safe.

Oh yeah, sorry, you can get out that way, sorry. Well, wait, someone's coming on TV here. It's two women staring at me.

Okay, if you are watching this DVD, you are watching Erin and Janet do Pirates of Penzance to the best of their memory. I hope that this is exactly what you wanted to be doing tonight. I'm sure it is.

I think this is Criterion Collection and Criterion Collection always starts with an apology from the artist.

We open on a theater with a red curtain. There are no people sitting in the seats, but we're meant to feel like we're about to watch the stage production of Pirates of Penzance. It's very meta.

And then there's dogs outside waiting outside. And then a woman hits her kid.

And the dogs are waiting for the people in church.

And then from... James, you let me fast forward to some of the music here. I swear there's a song in here somewhere. Let's stop here.

With cat-like tread, upon the prey we steal. In silence led, a cautious way we feel. No sound at all, we never speak a word. A fly's footfall could be deceit. Okay, I'll turn off the TV. I'll turn off the TV.

If you're trying to turn off the TV, we've figured out a way to keep you from being able to do that through the magic of DVDs. DVDs overriding it.

That's how TVs work. All TVs can do this. We lock the DVD from the inside. And you know, even if you cut the power, we can still sing.

Janet, Erin, you can come out of that cardboard box now.

Oh my, oh my cuff got snagged on the cardboard.

Brian or Princeton karaoke for her night out. Karaoke, and for my night out I am at work. Work?

You come with your three favorite people?

Come on, JPC, come on.

What else could you need? You got your three favorite people, you got pirates, you got constables, you got maidens, you got Major General.

And I set up a table over here so you could do my taxes for me, JPC.

Aw, okay, I get that. You can still sing.

If you want to do karaoke, you can sing. We'll definitely get you drunk on music.

2012 JPC and shake him hard and say, you need this! You'll need this!

This is the saddest opening of all time. Don't give this up!

And you know, we can pivot to Riddles, JPC, if that'll make you feel a little bit better.

Actually, Erin, that is a great question because I had a thought before we recorded today and I said, you know what? I'm not going to do any riddles today. What? I'm just not going to do any. Yeah. Can you do that?

Let me check the rules here. There's no rules that said a dog can't not do riddles.

I think you need to write better rules.

My math is Janet is here again, for God knows why. Janet, whatever's going on in your life that you need this, I apologize, because it's terrible. But you're back again. So there's a little pressure off me to do riddles. And I thought like, maybe I'll just do like a whole episode where I just don't do any riddles.

Okay, let's try it. That's kind of fun. An experiment.

It's different. That looks like what? Is this it right now? Are we in it right now?

I'll still be here. I'll still be doing my classic joke sniping from up top. I'm going to throw in my little barbs and my zigs and my zags, talk about my sobriety journey, talk about how I don't get many nights out because I'm a parrot now. I'll do all of the fun stuff that everybody knows me for.

Just no riddles.

Just no riddles, okay.

Just no riddles. We'll still be doing the riddles, you're just going to be hitting us with your sniper zings about how bad our guesses are. So basically a regular episode.

Exactly! Wait, fuck!

So you're going to be like Wallace and Gromit, the two old men in the balcony who just criticized the Muppets?

Wallace and Gromit!

You know, the old guy and the dog? Yep.

I'd actually be careful about calling those guys old, Adal, because we are rapidly getting to the point where those are just guys.

We are rapidly getting to the point, like those puppets, where your nose and your chin somehow touch at some point. That's what aging is.

GBC, can I make a prediction for what happens this episode? I bet when Adal's reading his little riddles, and he's saying his riddles, What if you know the answer and you've already committed to not doing the riddles and then you have to sort of sit in agony like our listeners do. You become the listener who wants to scream at us and say that they know the answer. What is going to happen then?

How dare you accuse me of being a listener. If there is one thing I refuse to do, it is listen. Or be qualified as someone who listens. A disgrace.

What's a qualification process like nowadays? I can't remember how officious it's gotten to get qualified as a listener.

I know I asked you this a few years ago but Have you not run out of riddles yet?

She said super gently. A few years ago. Did she have her hand on your shoulder?

Yes.

And was she looking deeply and soulfully into your eyes?

Yeah, she was like, oh, is there an excuse we can give you so you don't have to go in there, you poor thing? More riddles? How? And I said, well, we have people who submit them who are really smart, but we don't... I said three times a year we get a riddle that feels like it actually feels new.

Okay.

I was wondering if you thought I had the right number on that.

I don't know. I mean, I feel like it must happen a little more often than that, but I would say, like, if you're doing Price is Right rules, I'd say three times a year, you're going to win every time with that.

Yeah. Yeah. That sounds close enough.

I would love to quickly ask, and I just want to get this out of the way or it's going to haunt me for the rest of the episode. Erin, you've had someone staying with you, but you came over to my house last night and you didn't bring that person?

Yes, she had other plans. Okay, good. All right. Seeing some other LA friends.

It would have been amazing if you were like, I'm sorry, you don't get to come watch the Pirates of Penzance.

Figure it out.

We'll see you next time.

Whimsical house? So like the doormat has a spring underneath it?

My first guess when you said that, Erin, was that Adal was gonna say, ooh, cool, so you enter through like a slide? That's what a whimsical house means to me.

Well, a house where you enter through a slide would be fucking impossible to leave. You're like, this was such a short-sighted plan.

Have you ever crawled up the wrong way on a slide as a kid, JPC? That's one of the joys of feeling, you feel like a superhero when you figure out that you might be able to like pull your own body weight back up a kid's slide. RIDDLE

It's

Well, let's get into some riddles here, and here's the thing. I don't know if we've done these or not. I have to assume we haven't, but good chance we have. These are some hink pinks. Janet, have you been on before when we've done some hink pinks?

Well, I have not been on before when we've done them, but I have heard as a listener and fan. I qualify as a listener. So I feel like I have a sense of a hink pink. In fact, I think hink pinks were happened very recently on an episode that aired in my in my time frame. I don't know when this comes out. But in my world in the world I live in, I just listened to some hink pinks. And you're from West B. Yeah, and also and also Erin has been replaced by a hundred year old Victorian girl.

Also JPZ quick reminder you cannot participate in these riddles. God, this sucks. No, I didn't say that. Erin from Earthsea said that.

No, I think that's just what JPC's inner monologue sounds like. Weirdly, his inner monologue sounds like your voice.

He thinks in Erin. No, my inner monologue sounds like... Oink, oink, oink. That's the only thing going on in my inner monologue. We all know this to be true.

Hold on. I didn't say oink, oink, oink. Casey did that. Casey, we're leaving the pig business behind us, okay?

Oh God, I forgot the last time.

And we're not apologizing for it either. We're just leaving it behind us.

I had to throw up. I had to throw up after that episode. Is everyone happy? I had to throw up.

Got to. I got to throw up after that episode. Because a pig's sexual happiness makes you feel uncomfortable. And I'm sorry, Erin.

I'm sorry. We escaped that episode. It's a different day. It's a different day. I've showered several times since then. How are we back?

And Erin, isn't your brother-in-law Mitch a pig?

Yes. Yes. Oh, God. Okay. Just read the Hink Pinks. Let's go. Come on.

Let's go, go, go, go. We're leaving the Oink Oink Oinks behind us. We're moving on to Hink Pinks. These are going to be two-word clues, and then the answer are going to be a different two words that rhyme that answer the question of the first two words. So, for example, if I were to say a pig squeal,

Adal, you really want to do this? Oink oink boink. I can hear the smile in your voice.

It has to be a rhyming answer. Pigs squeal.

It's oink boink. Don't you guys feel like they boinked? The two of them boinked?

That's like a pig Saturday night is oink boink. You think pigs go boink boink boink?

No, I'm saying that if you're oinking and you're boinking someone, then you're going to squeal.

Okay, hold on, this is the greatest answer ever.

My headphones just exploded. Crawls up from slide, leaves, never goes back to home or computer.

I think I agree with Janet in that, look, a squeal, a boink is not a squeal, but boinking can lead to squealing.

I guess that's where I was going with it.

This is the riddle equivalent of backseat driving. If you want to drive, if you want to do the riddle, do the riddle, JPC.

If JPC wants to back up my answers, I guess I'm okay with it.

I'm specifically not doing the riddle. I'm just thinking about boinking and squealing, which is my remit. I do have that. That is something I can still do. Hey, no one can stop me from thinking about boinking and squealing.

It's the bonking and squealing. It's hot and fresh up the wheel. Oh, we don't want to do Pig Kelly. What was the clue again? Pig squeal. Pig squeal. Is it oink? It's not oink.

Because a squeal isn't an oink.

This one's a little tough. So you have to think of different words for a pig maybe to start with, and that will lead you to the correct answer.

Bore. Snore. Sow. Poe.

I like the idea that it feels like the waiter had to sample what you got to tell you that it's tough. Like, I had a bite of this, and I need to let you know it is a little tough.

It's like how Trader Joe's employees, as they're bagging your groceries, they always take little bites out of some things and go, oh my god, these are strawberries. These are divine. You're going to love these strawberries.

These go so well with our pesto. Yeah, I bet, dude.

Pig, squeal, sow, boar. Bovine, no? That's a cow.

Close. Bovine is the closest so far. I would say it sounds very similar to the word you're looking for.

Ovine. Orsine.

Rhymes. Rhymes with the word you're looking for.

Orsine. Ernest Borsnine.

I'm Orsine Wells and oink oink oink.

Rosebud.

Bovine. What's another word for squeal? Maybe I'll get it that way.

I think pig's probably the way you want to go. So a pig word that rhymes with bovine. Or it might be a slight slant rhyme, but I think it's pretty good, right? Bovine, so this is a word for a pig.

I do know this one, and I- Oh, my pearls. But I don't want to say because I don't want to engage in the riddles.

And a squeal has to rhyme with something that rhymes with pearls.

I'm clutching my pearls and I'm tossing them before you. What? I'm tossing these pearls. I'm tossing these pearls before something. Pearls before swine.

Swine.

Yes. So swine.

Wine. Swine wine.

Yes, swine wine, which is also the worst Malbec in the industry.

I'd like to see a scene.

Swine, swine wine.

JPC, you are a sommelier giving a tour to a couple, Adal and Janet, on their honeymoon of your swine wine business and you're giving them a tasting.

Typically we go to Sonoma, but this just felt like a nice detour, so we thought to stop by.

We're excited to hear about your selection.

Um, honey?

I don't speak country road stop wine tour.

I feel like I heard him say something akin to let me guess and then I absolutely lost the thread.

I have no idea.

He said something about... I took this language in college, but only for two years.

I think he said something about you like to drink wine, but... I heard him say we're going to contaminate our faces if we have a grasshopper beverage.

Am I right?

Do I get an A? Somebody got junior mints in my college? Is that what he said?

I think it's impressive that you're able to speak something sort of like human language and are a pig.

I may have the audacity to ask you for your telephone number. Now, of course, I can't dial on a telephone, but if I'm gonna let me, you'll have to e-mail it for me.

I want to say also that I loved your performance on House of Cards. I thought you were such a wonderful president. So subtle.

And, you know, I try my best, but, you know, opportunity knocks every once in a while, and somebody falls through, and they need a replacement in the last minute, and somebody's available, and my phone keeps ringing, so what am I gonna do, turn down free money?

Okay, so it seems like he took his snoot and he pushed these glasses towards us. So this looks to be, this is a 98. Okay, let me.

Okay. Now I want to ask you something, sweetheart. How did that taste, knowing it was going to be the last sip of wine you take as a married person? Because this was your idea, and I'm not feeling it. What?

Sorry pal, your chick told me. It looks like you're the fool and you gotta go. And now you live on the farm and I live in your house. Probably in a big city like Kansas and here, maybe Minnesota.

Oh, I'm having a stroke. I can't understand him.

I'm pulling my, I'm using my legal right as a recently married woman to do a swip swap with the pig sommelier.

And I'm taking Pig-O-Nectar, which is an ancient tradition where the pig on the night of the marriage gets to do it with the rider.

Oh yeah, I can make it stop. I forgot I had the kill switch. That character was 18 years old. That was an 18-year-old character that Jake was playing. I heard you say that.

Pigs only live... How long do pigs live? Does anyone know?

No more talking about pigs for the next 40 minutes.

And the length of time that pigs do things. If pigs can orgasm for 90 minutes, then pigs could probably live 100 years, right? Yeah.

Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't throw up.

They're around for 20 years, but they live for 90 minutes at a time.

I like the idea that your orgasm is directly related to how long you live. Like a tortoise has like a two day long orgasm. That's gotta be right.

That's gotta be science.

An African great parrot, five days.

Certain butterflies just come out, come out of the chrysalis, gibbering and jabbering. Here we go, another kink pink. Sorry Erin. Unusual seat. Unusual seat.

Strange. Weird chair.

Erin, very close.

Cool stool.

That's, I like that. This is a weird, I'm sorry, unusual seat.

Strange rocking chair. Bizarre part of a car.

The seat part.

It makes sense. Bizarre part of the car, come on. Help me. And JPC, you are not, what are you doing while we're doing riddles? Are you getting work done?

Are you thinking of funny jokes? How old do pigs get? And then I was looking at the oldest pig, and then I was looking at the difference between how old pigs are and pugs are. Who do you think lives longer, pigs or pugs?

Pigs. Pugs have breathing problems.

Pigs live longer than pugs.

Pigs don't. Isn't that sad?

Yeah.

And I also saw a website about how you're not supposed to keep pigs as pets.

I literally have a bag next to my computer in case I throw up because of how quickly I threw up after our last recording.

What more do I need to say they're dying laughing?

Why is that bag full of Arby's curly fries if it's your throw-up bag?

Because what if I need something to throw up?

Why did you pick something that looks like a pig's tail?

Curly fries look like pig's tails.

That's a terrible decision.

Pigs have corkscrew penises.

You know what? I hope I throw up on this episode and then the three of you might learn a lesson. If the three of you would have a lesson, then you'd have the image of me throwing up forever. You won't, JPC, because you're dead on the inside? What's the medical term?

Here's the thing about pigs, too. You have to shave their hooves.

What is happening?

I would never want to shave a pig's hoof. That sounds awful. I don't even like clipping my own nails.

Somehow that crossed the line for me. I suppose shaving a pig's hooves is more gross to me than anything else we've talked about. I don't care for that.

I would like to talk about the weird chair. Weird chair.

Strange. Unusual seat. Unusual seat is the hint. Chair is half of the answer, but remember it rhymes.

This is not me trying to help in any way with the riddle, but did someone, because there's a lot of people on the podcast today, there's maybe some potential for over-talking, did someone say Crazy Boy Lazy Boy? Did someone say Crazy Boy, Lazy Boy?

Did you hear that HBO? We have your next big idea.

That's an HBO property. That one goes to HBO.

That's Danny, what's his name?

McBride.

Trejo.

Yeah, there you go. Yep, Danny Trejo, Crazy Boy, Lazy Boy. Also works. Oh, Danny McBride would totally play Crazy Boy Lazy Boy. Chair. Why can't we think of a word that's like strange or different that rhymes with chair?

And think more, this is like, this might be associated with like stamps or coins.

Rare chair.

A rare chair. Very nice.

Thank you for putting it in language we as coin and stamp collectors can understand.

Janet, right behind you I see a Kennedy half dollar in an upside down plane.

I do want to see a quick scene. Adal, you're going to be a waiter. Erin and Janet are out at a restaurant. They both ordered steak and you have just put in front of them two big pieces of chair instead of steak.

Excuse me. Sorry. So sorry. We ordered the rare steak and this seems to be two dismantled pieces from the chairs. This looks like it's going to be a little tough.

It is. I tried it back in the kitchen and it is a little tough.

You ate off our plate?

I'm

S-T-A-K-E.

And many a movie, you know, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the movie with Paul Reubens, etc., they would break off a chair leg and use it as a stake.

So this is... But would they eat it also?

Well, that's what we're doing differently.

Sir, you look unwell. I have been thinking about becoming a vegetarian.

These have been sous vide. That's our chef's name is Susan Veid. And what she does is she sorts, she sort of roasts the outside so it gets a nice char. And these are ramps on the outside, not ramps as in wild onions, ramps as in, you know, sort of a angled wooden structure.

Sir, as you're talking, I can see you have splinters all over your tongue. Are you eating mostly? Nope. Are you eating mostly furniture?

That that's what we this is. I'm so sorry. Did you not know you're at the IKEA cafe? Yeah, we're taking a new direction. We thought everybody Oh, please.

Oh, I know. We just wanted to say we thought and then be cut off. Go ahead.

Sorry, there might be a slight delay in my hearing. We got tired of people associating us with meatballs. That's what we call them in Sweden. And we thought to pivot a little bit. So

So this is just, this is just pieces of broken furniture that people return because when they opened up the box to try to assemble it, it was already broken and this is you trying to save the planet?

You're floating away, ma'am, you're floating away. Let me just tie you down to the chair. You must have stopped in our walking section.

When I sat down and you attached this theater rig to me, I didn't realize that it was gonna mean that I would be floating away at any point. This is actually kind of fun.

Yes, our fizzy juice is a yes, ma'am.

Oh, well, just now that I know what's going on, I would like the fake plant salad and I'll take a broken mirror for dessert.

Oh, that does sound good. I'll have a mirror as well, but you know what? Bring it to me first as the meal. Oh, wow, you're being bad. I'm feeling decadent.

Mirror before chair. How about a ship's... Oh, Erin, please.

No, go ahead.

What were you gonna say?

Oh, nothing.

No, Erin, if it was important enough to stop class, it was important enough to say.

No, it wasn't. Sorry, sir. I had nothing to say. Go ahead. Wait, where did these Hank Pinks come from, did you say?

Um, from the... from Earth-D, let's say.

Oh, wow.

Uh, these were not... these were not listener submitted. Um, how about a ship saying? A ship saying.

What is a ship saying? A ship saying. A boat... Boat, boat.

Ooh, it's a boat quote, but a boat bon mot is an extra point for Janet.

I'm very international.

Yes. A bot bon mot? Yeah. That's a boat quote. I'd like to say a scene.

Yes. You know when they like christen a boat and they like hit champagne off the side of it? JPC, you are a guy christening a new boat and revealing to all of your friends and family who have come the name of your new boat.

And Erin, can I add something on?

Sure.

Would you mind playing the boat?

Yeah, but boats mostly don't talk. So we'll see if I decide to chime in right at the end.

Mostly. Hey, everybody. Thank you for coming out. Sorry about the freak weather. You know, you plan one of these in April and you get what you get.

Thanks for watching.

I've only seen these in movies and I thought I thought it was more like a polar plunge thing where we all kind of get down in the water. Plus, docks are so expensive. Did you know that if you have to like tie up a boat at a dock you have to like pay like a slip fee? Which is, I mean, that's bullshit, right? The boat was expensive, but now I've got to pay for a docking fee? I mean, you gotta be kidding me.

Get to christening! Christening the boat! Yes!

Yes, um, so, uh, I'm gonna pull this little tarp that I have on the boat. Um, we're all gonna see, uh, the name. I'm going to... I'm not gonna break a champagne bottle on the boat because... Have you seen champagne prices? I mean, this is Korbel and it's still nine bucks. Nine bucks for Korbel? Did I fall asleep and wake up in Earth-D? Please, what are you gonna break over the... Please, just do it, just... No, I'm just gonna tap the corbel on the side and then we can all have some. I'm just gonna like... I'm gonna clink it, you know? I'm gonna give a little clink, you know, of the cor... We're all drinking champagne, right? I can't feel my hands. I know it's, what, 7.30 in the morning, but... Oh, the tarp slipped.

I see the name of the boat. It's called... The Prices These Days? That's the name of your boat? Right?

You wouldn't believe how expensive it is to have such a long title for a boat. But I paid it!

Let the boat say whether she likes her name. I love it!

That was you, guy. That was you.

No, that wasn't me. It's a talking boat.

I paid Ekstrom for a talking boat. Well, you drink some Korbel at the same time have the boat talk.

Easy, easy to do. I'll just drink, I'll just, I'm, okay. Okay! Don't waste the Korbel! I got some Korbel on the boat, that's why the boat sounded like that. You made me waste Korbel!

I really wanted the tarp to go back on and then for you to make it disappear like a Chris, like a Cris Angel, like I gave it to you.

Oh my god, it's gone! In my mind, it was a toy boat.

Can I run to the bathroom really quick? I have to pee so bad. I'm so sorry.

Was that what you were going to say earlier, Erin? Yes. Wow. Well, I'm glad that you saved it until it's now break. Oh. So just so everyone knows, that's how Erin's choosing to spend her break.

Oh, come on. Oh, fine. I'll take my punishment.

I'll be back.

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

Okay, nothing new there. What's going on, buddy?

Remember when I said I was sick of having all this body hair and you two jokers told me, well, go down and hang out with some of those little puppet creatures and those things will, you know, they'll shave you upright, those little puppet creatures hanging out on the street.

Oh, like Jim Henson. Huh? Shaving. We said Henson shaving.

Henson shaving. Different. No relation. Oh, okay.

Because I was going to say, those guys did a terrible job. Have you ever seen how shaky their hands move? Yeah, I have. Did you imagine those hands holding razors? Look at me.

GPC, this is why you gotta meet Henson Shaving. Henson Shaving is a family-owned aerospace parts manufacturer that has made parts for the ISS, International Space Station, ever heard of her? And Mars Rover, ever heard of her? And now they are bringing precision engineering to your shaving experience. So no more razor burn or bumps on your face.

Yeah, I gotta say, I've used this razor not for my beard, because I have a beard, but to trim up my cheeks, to get the back of my neck, to get the sort of front of my neck. It is such a smooth, clean shave. Feels so nice against my skin. No stubble, no irritation.

Okay, I see it. So Hinson shaving, by using aerospace-grade CNC machines, Hinson makes metal razors that extend to just 0.0013 inches, which is less than the thickness of a human hair. That means a secure and stable blade with vibration-free shave. And what I did was I allowed a lot of puppets with wild akimbo hands to cut me up with razors. That's the difference I see.

The Razor has built-in channels to evacuate hair and cream, which makes clogging virtually impossible.

Plus, the Hinson Razor works with standard dual-edge blades to give you that old-school shave with the benefit of new-school tech. Once you own a Hinson Razor, it's only about $3-$5 per year to replace the blades. That's also a great value because I think that those little Sesame Street guys really took advantage of me in terms of what they charged me. Now, I paid them completely in fruit, but I think I spent $300-$400 on fruit.

You don't have to buy a lot of versions of a bad thing. Just buy a great version of a Henson razor and then you're all set.

Yeah that makes sense. And of course we can't have any of the aforementioned puppets because those are all trademarked but we do have a Morpit. Here's the Henson shaving Morpit.

It's time to say no to subscriptions and yes to a razor that'll last you a lifetime. Visit hensonshaving.com slash riddle to pick the razor for you and use code RIDDLE and you'll get two years worth of blades free with your razor. Just make sure to add them to your cart. That's 100 free blades when you head to h-e-n-s-o-n-s-h-a-v-i-n-g dot com slash riddle and use code RIDDLE.

Erin, is that a moose? A rat? Some sort of moose rat?

I don't like it. Adal, I don't like it.

Erin, hit us with the jingle.

Pins and shavings shave your body so it's soft.

Erin, that was weirdly amazing. Start working in ad jingles. That was kind of incredible. That was truly incredible. Erin, where has that been? I love it.

It'll be in my head all day. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Okay, I'm hacking the computer. Let me just slam on the keyboard here. We're almost in. Oh, there I found it. Squarespace.com. Cracks knuckles.

Um, yeah, are you just logging into your Squarespace?

Yeah, I'm logging in, but I'm logging in like a 90s TV hacker. Let me slam on my keyboard a bunch. I'm in.

Okay, it's not your keyboard. It's my keyboard and you're really damaging it with your slams.

Takes a big swig of energy drink. I'm in.

Oh, Adal, I feel like anyone can use Squarespace. It's a tool that makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms.

Yeah.

Adal, you don't really have to hack into it.

Yeah, sure. It's for everyone. Let me just set up some custom merch here. Easily sell some custom merch and create a passive income that engages your audience and scales your brand. I'm in.

Okay, yeah, so that's the custom merch that we already have set up. You just, you hit backspace a bunch of times. Looks like you maybe deleted some of the merch. Slammed backspace. Adal, Squarespace has an online store where you can sell your products, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products. Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online. You don't need to hack into anything for that.

Oh yeah? Rolls eyes, picks up a copy of- Oh, that looks painful! Yeah, they're stuck, they're stuck. I'm in. Jeez! I'm in. He's in trouble is what he said.

No, no, and Adal, these energy drinks you're drinking, it looks like they all expired in 1994. Oh look. These, you can't be, you've been drinking these?

They're dust.

Oh no. Look, we gotta get Adal to the hospital, but what you should do is go to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

I'm in. Oh, he crossed over. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Adal, JPC, thank you so much for coming to my one-woman show about BetterHelp and being in therapy. What did you think?

The set was incredible, Erin. Also, I love BetterHelp. BetterHelp has helped me out greatly. But yeah, I thought, I don't know why you played a horse, but it was fun. It was fun stuff.

I misunderstood, and I thought I wasn't allowed in because it was a one-woman show. And so I waited in the lobby, but I could, it sounded from the lobby, I mean the sound from the lobby.

Thank you so much. Let me give you a little preview of it. I would say things like, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. I love this kind of therapy because even during my show I was feeling a little frustrated, a little bit down on myself, and I messaged my therapist during the show and by the end of the show she had gotten back to me with a timely response. Can you believe it?

My favorite part, Erin comes out, there's like a scene change, she's on a porch smoking a cigarette and she says, A lot of us spend our times wishing we had more time. The question is, time for what? If time was unlimited, how would you use it? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority. Therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it. Here's what's next! And you should get back to your baby. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Riddle. Erin, where are you touring this show? You're going to some major cities?

Everywhere. Wow.

Oh yeah, it says everywhere Pennsylvania.

Never heard of that place.

It's very small.

Ghost town.

Erin, you brought up peeing just before break.

I did?

I hope we cut that out so that this segway is me talking about pooping and it makes it all the more interesting. I had a friend who was asking me about what's one of the most unexpected but different things about parenthood, before you were a parent and now that you are a parent. And one of the ones, the first thing that came to my mind was that Now, like, when I'm pooping, I'm on somebody else's clock. Like, every day of my life that I pooped in my own life was just like, hey, I'm gonna poop and, like, no one's really gonna bother me, and if they are, I'll be like, I'm pooping, and they're like, oh, okay, well, surely I'll just come back at a later date. Can't argue with that. A baby's like, no, no, no, no. I don't care about you pooping. Like, you're gonna do half a poop right now, and then you're gonna do whatever I want, and then maybe later you can finish your poop, which is insane, because no, I can't. Like, that's gone. That one's gone. That one's lost in my body somewhere for the rest of time.

Oh, my God.

Just dissolves into your bloodstream, right?

I guess so. I mean, that's probably why I am the way I am. Too much poop dissolved in my blood.

I don't know. You've been kind of insane for forever. I don't know if we can blame the baby. You might be...

Yeah, I feel like you're the first parent I can think of who has talked about poop and not been talking about their child's poop. That's so funny. That's all you enjoy about a baby for the first year.

My poop, that's the headline. Erin, you bring up an interesting point. I do have some, let me pull this out of the file. I have some audio here. This is audio of JPC before he had the baby, so let's see if we can listen to it and see if he's always been like that. Let me hit play here. Okay.

Erin, it's funny that you bring up poop because I had a couple of stories that I would like to tell you. And pause.

How many times has he told that story?

How many times has Erin brought up poop? I guess a lot. Huh.

I'm gonna guess, in order, a lot and probably never.

That's so funny.

Well, speaking of kids, a kid showed his parents an empty glass milk bottle with a whole apple inside. How did the kid get the apple inside the bottle without damaging the bottle or the apple? And just to say, just in case there's any confusion, the apple is much bigger than the hole in the bottle.

Okay, because I was going to be like, he took out his Adam's apple. We don't need those.

You ever seen Roadhouse, when Patrick Swayze rips out a guy's Adam's apple?

No. I'd say- That's a move.

That's a move.

I mean, I have seen it, but I don't remember that. I must have blacked that out.

It's the inspiration, I believe, for the MacGruber throat rip bit.

Oh, well, there you go. That makes sense.

Yeah. That does make sense. He's truly fighting a guy, and they hit each other, and it's like, oh, ow, ooch. And then he just reaches out and rips out his Adam's apple. It's the most insane move I've ever seen.

It's really insane. And Janet, you're right. We probably don't need them. But I guess I got to tell you, you probably don't want them to be taken out that way. That's probably not the way.

Agreed. They're supposed to stay in. Okay, wait.

So the apple is bigger, but is the apple still in one piece? Or is it just like he sliced it up and then put it in there? That's a good question.

Good. That's very good lateral thinking, Janet. It's still whole. It's still unmarred.

So not like the seed goes in or something?

Erin? He grew a whole apple tree inside of a glass? Real or fake, I don't care.

Janet, you pretty much got it. We're going to go ahead and give it to Janet. The answer is the kid is very patient. He puts an apple tree's shoot inside the milk bottle and then waits until the apple grows inside. Then the apple will drop off in its own time. What? That doesn't make any sense at all.

This kid's a fucking nerd.

This doesn't make sense. Adal or Adal? I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are, we'll say that you're like of college age, late teens, early 20s. You're coming back home to your family house and in the front yard is a tree you planted when you were a kid. Janet, you are going to be this sort of giving tree who has seen Erin throughout the years and you're reconnecting after four years.

Oh my goodness, is that who I think it is? Oh, hey!

Hello! Oh my gosh, you look so grown up! You look amazing! How are you? You look so good! Oh my god, you smell the same, you look the same. Oh, thank you! It's so good to see you. Yeah, I'm surprised that you still talk. I thought it was sort of a whimsical childhood thing that I was imagining. Oh, no, this is a lifelong curse.

Ah, yeah, long as I as long as there's a stitch of me left, including my roots, I am going to die.

I'm Um, well, speaking of all of that stuff we've done, you must be exhausted. You must be sort of like feeling like you're done.

Good. I'm an extrovert. You know what I mean? So I recharge through my exchanges with people I care about.

Oh my god, um, you know, um, I'm sort of home from college, my parents are sort of putting me to work, doing some yard work for them, mowing the lawn and stuff. Good for you, you earn a little extra scratch. Yeah, yeah, um, so... You know, it's so funny, you are sort of causing a little bit of a headache for my parents. You're dropping a lot of little things that fall from your tree onto their porch. Cherries? Yeah, they're trying to entertain more and my Mom is sort of tired of sweeping all the cherries off the porch.

My dad is sort of worried about me making delicious cherries.

It's not the fucking cherries. She screams when you're not here.

It's such a visceral memory citing sources in high school and college papers and like needing a certain amount of primary sources and a certain amount of secondary sources. Speaking of you going back in time and shaking yourself and telling yourself to drink I wish I could go back in time and go, hey bitch, you're going to be on a Riddle podcast. Don't stress too much about this, okay?

This Spanish test, not a big deal.

No, no. Quit doing Latin, girl.

Break that calculator. Take some electives.

APs, whatever.

I remember in high school, they were like, you can't use Wikipedia as a source. And I was like, okay, I guess I get that you can't use Wikipedia as a source. And then cut to now, and all of the internet is full of just AI garbage everywhere. I'm hoping in high school they're like, please, Christ, use Wikipedia. Don't Google it. Just go to Wikipedia. Just put whatever they say on the paper. That's the only way.

I understood the dangers of Wikipedia when I was in school and me and my friend Connor, I wish I could text him and ask him what it was. We've gotten to an argument about what year a movie came out, and I was certain that it came out a certain year. We go to lunch, he pulls up the computer, and he was right. He shows me the Wikipedia page, and I was like, oh my god. And I had a complete meltdown for like several days. And at the end of the week, he was like, hey, I ran to the computer and changed the Wikipedia date.

That's too dangerous to have the ability to do that.

That is some dark magic right there. I should not be using this as a source.

And that's all he wanted to do was show you that. That was just a sweet lesson from a friend who wanted to make sure you were a better student. He's an asshole.

Wikipedia used to be easier to edit, too, because I remember in high school we got in big, big trouble from our administration for editing our Wikipedia notable alumni page to include a bunch of serial killers. And I feel like you can't do that anymore. You can't just go and be like, yeah, John Wayne Gacy went to this high school.

Ironically now, yeah, when you change it, ironically now you have to have a primary source, two secondary sources. Everything's come full circle. It's infuriating.

I got four AI articles written today about how John Wayne Gacy went to my high school. It's not a problem.

Erin, when you were describing the tree dropping stuff, you kind of did a finger twirl motion. Were you talking about the whirlybirds?

What do people call those? Maple tree helicopters?

Did we all grow up with those? We call them whirlybirds in my neck of the woods. I didn't grow up with them. You didn't grow up with them?

No, there are not a lot of maple trees in Arizona. Oh, that makes sense.

What do cacti drop?

Speaking of which... When we were watching Pirates of Penzance last night, Janet, before the movie started, said, I thought these sets were real England. I thought that this is just what England looked like when I was a kid. And that tidbit got funnier and funnier as the movie went on. This is the craziest looking cartoonish set I have ever seen in my life.

All of the plants are clearly just made out of like origami. They're just like, there's nothing about them that seem real at all. You're just so used to cactus. Which version did you watch?

There's only one. What's his name?

1983.

Kevin Kline. Kevin Kline. Yeah. So hot. Is there another version?

No.

There might be, I don't know. The movie Soul has a moment about those whirly things. I don't know if you've seen it, Adal.

I haven't seen it because people said I was going to cry too much and that I should be careful and take care of myself and maybe never see it or see it in a very safe emotional space.

I mean it's Pixar, you're going to cry. They sort of have it down to the science of it. They're going to make you sob.

They know how to push the buttons. Let's push the button on the next riddle here. Okay, it's coming out of the ticker. Okay, this is, a man lies in his own bed and passes away in the comfort of his own home. Good for him. Due to thirst. Why would he allow this to happen? That's interesting. A man lies in his own bed and passes away in the comfort of his own home, his own bed and own home. Okay, we get it. Due to thirst, why would he allow this to happen?

He lives on a houseboat and the only water available to him is sea water.

Have we done this before, Erin?

No, I'm just a genius. Turns out when JPC's not in the way, I'm a Riddle Genius.

It's funny to say that you died in the comfort of your own home. Like, how'd he die? He died of thirst. It's like, I don't think we need to talk about comfort at that point. Like, dying of thirst sounds really uncomfortable.

Everyone knows dying of thirst is one of the most pleasant ways to go.

It's like falling asleep.

Yeah. It's the opposite of drowning and drowning sounds horrible.

Yeah, they said that they can't actually execute prisoners by depriving them of water because it's too euphoric and they don't deserve that amount of euphoria. Anyone listening to this, try not drinking anything for like three days and have the best pig orgasm of your little dirty life. I'm talking 90 minutes, y'all.

That is the pull quote. When Hey Riddle Riddle uploads, everyone's gonna go, we should have known by this, and it's that. That 30 seconds that just happened.

I'm trying to get an invite to Joe Rogan, so I'm gonna keep talking about how if you don't drink water, you have to do it. Orgasms, because that's what's good for the podcast. If I can get on Rogan, that's going to be legendary for us, Erin.

That's actually really true.

That'd be huge. I think it's Kat Williams 1 and then you 2. I think that's where the 2 gets. JPC, you just made me think of this. Porgs in the Star Wars universe, are porgs, is that a portmanteau of pig orgasm? Two best friends, Tom and Henry, are playing on the school playground during recess. When recess is over and the bell rings, the two boys run back to class. On their way, a giant gust of wind causes a mass of dirt to be thrown in both their faces. Tom's face is absolutely filthy, while Henry's face is still miraculously clean. However, it is Henry that rushes to the bathroom to clean his face, while Tom returns to class without doing so. Assuming that both boys care equally about their hygiene, why would they each react this way?

One's a chinchilla and that's how he takes baths in dirt.

Erin, we've had these before. We must have.

That's funny.

That was so long. I just tuned out for the middle part.

I thought about One Pill's a chinchilla as well. That's what was going on in my head.

And One Pill makes you Tom.

But why? Why did we both think that? What about chinchilla makes you Tom?

I don't know anything about chinchillas. Are they soft?

I bet they're soft. Yes, they're so soft. You've never held a chinchilla? They're so cute. I love them.

I don't know. Did you guys grow up with a bunch of friends who had chinchillas lying around?

I think they used to sell them at Taco Bell, I believe.

Janet, you gotta meet a chinchilla. You have not lived until you have pet a chalupa. They are so silky soft.

They're so soft. Oh my god, they're so sweet!

Out into the universe now, because there's enough time for me to forget about it, I would like for my birthday this year to pet a chinchilla. I don't know, which one of you wants to set that up? Listener? Family member who's listening otherwise?

Erin, let me offer this up as an alternate. Not knowing if they will have a chinchilla, what if I take you to like an animal sanctuary that has like a bunch of different amazing animals?

That sounds very interesting. Erin, what if I could get a sugar glider to kiss you?

Okay, that also sounds very interesting, but I want that to be New Year's at midnight.

Erin, what if I can get a monkey to throw poop at me and it's my poop?

Okay, I'm very interested in that. This is going to be a very happy birthday.

I love the idea of assigning animal experiences for each individual holiday. And for Arbor Day, Erin decided she wanted to get punched by a kangaroo.

That's like your anniversary thing. It's like, what's seven year? Seven years. Oh, seven years having a rhinoceros sneeze on your feet. It's good luck. Erin, the problem with you wanting to do this chinchilla thing for your birthday is that you have a November birthday and a chinchilla is a springtime animal.

They live all year round.

They're really only at their freshest in spring.

Yeah, there's not going to be a single chinchilla in bloom by the time- You want him to freeze a chinchilla right now so that he can then thaw it out in November? That's very selfish.

You want to touch a dead chinchilla for your birthday, Erin? Because what you're presupposing, that's like five months after the chinchilla's natural life cycle is over.

Hey, forget I said anything.

I once bought an experience at the Shedd Aquarium, maybe it was for a girlfriend's birthday, but it was like a meet and greet with a penguin. And we're so excited, we go into this special room, we put on this special little overalls or whatever it is. And you get in there and they're like, everyone take out two fingers and I will bring the penguin around and you get to downward stroke with your two fingers twice and then you're done. And we're like, what? So the penguin comes around and you like go from point A to point B, which is like half an inch twice. And you're like, that was 180 bucks. What are we doing?

I'd like to see a scene. I'm sure you would. JPC, Janet, you are going to meet a penguin at a penguin meet and greet. Adal, you are the penguin and you're really like haughty and like a celebrity and you are sort of, this is beneath you. Gotcha.

Oh my god, that tuxedo looks amazing on you. That was such a great idea. We look so fantastic.

And I had this place has awesome Google reviews. Like apparently the penguin is super sociable. And it's like really down to earth and chill. Yeah, this is this is awesome. This is awesome.

This is a dream.

Oh, we're next. We're next. We're next.

File my phone.

Hey!

I need you to go from a 10 to a 2.

Oh, sorry. I'm Matt. This is Christina. Hi, I'm Christina.

We are huge Penguin fans.

We've always, you know, we've always kind of wanted to meet you.

We've been looking at the webcam footage of you from the website for so long. You just seem so fun.

Did you want a picture?

I mean, yeah, but we actually got the VIP package. Yeah, the experience, not just the selfie.

VIP here stands for voluptuous iridescent penguin.

I'm listening. Sure.

So you can feed me grapes. You get to feed me grapes.

Oh, you guys can eat grapes? Excuse me? I just- I know they kill dogs, so I didn't know if- I don't know if penguins could- penguins could have- Do you think we're- do you think we're close enough on the- Terrence, take him away.

Terrence, take him away.

No, no, Terrence! Get your hands off me! No, Terrence! Come on, we paid for the voluptuous penguin!

Are you gonna be good? Why did you put me in handcuffs? This shit's serious, man.

I'm sorry. No, I apologize. This paper's kind of a jerk. He just said grapes, and I thought it was fish. Like, the website said fish, but we brought fish. We didn't bring grapes.

We just didn't bring grapes.

Did someone just call me- Terrence, bring the one who called me a jerk up front.

Alright, tosses them to the ground.

Take my wing and- Ow!

Ugh!

I was an exchange student in France and they don't just do one snack or kiss you get hit if you're gonna get hit you're gonna get hit on each side of your face

Yeah, Jesus said turn the other cheek and hit the wife twice.

With the penguin wing.

The worst part about growing up with my dad's Palestinian family was anytime we saw any of them, they would grab you with a death grip and kiss you like three times, like cheek, cheek, cheek. It was disgusting. I hated it. Where's that third cheek?

You don't want to know.

Ass.

Ass. I did the meet and greet experience with the sea otter at the Georgia Aquarium and I can't say enough good things about it. It was super fun and great and we got to feed it shrimpsicles. I did the VIP meet and greet experience for the person from Legend of Korra and I gotta say slapped me twice.

Two slaps.

Awful experience. The person from Legend of Korra I think Erin, you were Momo?

When I was in first grade, we went to the New England Aquarium. I think I've told this on the show before, and I actually got picked to be a volunteer in the sea lion show. And I got to go down and they were like, okay, bow and then the sea lion will bow. And then I did and it did. And then it gave me a high five and a kiss on the cheek. And I still remember, it's truly one of the best moments of my life. Having the cutest animal ever just like waddle up and go, and I felt so loved. I was like, oh my god, the earth is beautiful. This is what my life is gonna be like.

I'm just gonna get kissed by cute animals the rest of this. I'm not gonna be on a riddle podcast.

I'm gonna work really hard and I'm gonna change the world.

When I was in seventh grade, we did an overnight at the zoo and you sleep in the dolphin pavilion. So everyone has sleeping bags and you're in the dolphin room where you can see all the dolphins just swimming through the big tanks at night. And I woke up, it must have been two, three in the morning, and there was maybe, I think it's a pod of dolphins, like four or five of them. And one of them was pointing his flipper at me, and then the other ones were like, And then they all started poking the glass hard, and then cracks started forming in the glass, and they had to rush all of the kids out at night. That's kind of a cool story. It was awesome. I love dolphins now.

I always wondered what happened on those kid overnight things, because that was never offered up to me. So I was wondering what happened. Now I know it's a horror show. That's cool.

Well, the real story of that kids overnight is that one of the guys in the class got a handjob at that, and it was all the rage. Oh, amazing. By one of the dolphins? From a dolphin? Yeah. I don't want to say. I'm not the type of person who's gonna name dolphin names.

I got jerked off by Dan Marino, no big deal.

And that dolphin won Homecoming Queen.

Of course the theme was Under the Sea. We're so close to the end of this episode. Let me give you a summary. Tom and Henry were playing at recess, they walk back to class, and Tom and Henry are hit with a big gust of wind that causes dirt to be thrown in their faces. Tom's face is filthy, Henry's face is clean for some reason. However, Henry goes to the bathroom to clean his face while Tom returns to class without doing so, and we're assuming they both care equally about their hygiene and appearance. Why would Henry go to the bathroom to wash his face and Tom just take a seat even though his face was dirty?

This is a mud wrestling school.

I don't think I need to.

I wish I grew up in Arizona.

Is it like, one of their faces was wet and the other one wasn't? Or like, why would you want that with something else?

Well, one of their faces was dirty and one wasn't. What are you saying, Erin? One of their faces was wet?

Yeah, like, did... was it like... Like, oh, my face is wet. I gotta go rub my face in dirt to dry it off.

If this is anything like the school that I went to growing up, specifically high school, I would say, the faces in question are frickin' North Face jackets. And everybody's so proud of the fact that I climbed the summit of my... You're in Indiana. You didn't climb a fuckin' summit. You got a dirty jacket, Jack.

Went to the top of the Valparaiso's quad. That's a summit.

The highest point in Indiana, the Valparaiso Quad.

I have to assume. You have to assume. So one kid's face is dirty, one kid's face is clean, but the kid with the- One kid's face is dirty and the other has a chinchilla.

Maybe that's it.

There's one kid. So Tom's face is filthy, Henry's face is clean, but Henry goes to the bathroom to wash his face. And Tom sits down even though his face is clean.

Now this is a turn-of-the-century insane asylum where someone has a touch of the OCD and the other person feels they're only clean when they're dirty. It's really very simple.

Okay, let me ask our hundred-year-old Victorian doll, is that correct?

Um, this is a trap. I'm still Erin, very much not 100-year-old Victorian doll. That sort of has been here since the episode where we read from the back.

Excuse me, I believe you were talking to me. You're a 100-year-old veterinarian doll. I believe you were talking to me.

Oh, Pig Somali, eh? What are you, uh... So, let's see here. Um, how to give a hint for this.

I can't see a scenario in which this will ever make sense. And I'm sure I've thought that about a riddle on the show before, but this to me right now feels like there's no way that they're not gonna get themselves out of this with me respecting this riddle.

You don't have to respect it, you just have to try and solve it. You just have to like it. So Janet, let's say you and I are outside. My face gets filthy, your face is clean. As we go to class, I look at you, you look at me. You go wash your face, I go sit down without washing my face.

I feel like I've posited a lot of very reasonable answers. My next answer is it is a spa class on how to apply mud treatments and this person is happy to have the mud treatment already on their face.

These are watch faces. These are the faces of their watches. They both care about hygiene, but not about their freaking watch faces.

for watching. Hey. Oh, Adal. All right. Adal, Adal, Adal.

I mean, Adal, he did walk through one door. He just never came back through the door.

Oh, no.

I thought you weren't going to solve riddles.

I thought you weren't going to solve riddles.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, I'll give you the answer. I'll give you the answer.

Erin, my version of that is a wife might be watching Love Island and then a person might walk in the room and You know, do some things with the accents, do some fun accent work, and then they'd be asked to leave the room.

And finish the poop they started seven hours prior.

One poop makes you smaller.

Don't flush, I'm still working on that. Tom and Henry. I'm still working on that. They're at recess. They're at recess. That'll tell us. This will never make sense to me.

Is it because these kids hate each other and they both say, hey, did I get dirt on my face? It's like, um, isn't that a scene from Tommy Boy? Where, like, he falls down and... Or, no, David Spade's like, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt here, it hurt, it doesn't hurt here or here, just right here. You sure I don't have something on my face?

Wait a minute, his name is Tommy and the people in this, was David Spade's character's name Henry? Because if it's Tom and Henry, you might have just figured this out. You might have just unlocked this mystery.

Sorry, I didn't have time to research riddles. I was watching Tommy Boy. You guys solved it. So here's the answer. So they're walking back to class. They look at each other's face and they assume that their condition is reflected back at them. So Tom's face is filthy. Henry's face is clean. Henry looks at Tom's face, sees all the mud, and he's like, I must also have that because I was hit by the same gust of wind and dirt. And Tom looks at Henry's face and sees that it's clean and goes, my face must also be clean. We walked out unscathed. So that's why they do what they do.

Does that make sense? Oh, so these are like robot boys. These are not real boys that can feel their face. I would call robot boys, boys. Man, I guess I need to shut the fuck up.

Agree to disagree. I actually like that answer.

Thank you, Erin.

Coming up on Joe Rogan, are robot boys boys?

Well, we gotta get out of here. Janet, anything to plug? Thank you so much for coming.

Jamie, look that up. Look that up. He said that there's an article where robot boys are boys. Jamie, can you find that article? Look that up. Is Jamie the person?

I'm glad none of us know. That's an indication of a lie detector.

I've only seen clips and it's on like TikTok. It'll pop up every few months. And the clip is always like, did you hear about this thing in Dubai where they're building this building with a river through it? And it's like, it's all just, have you heard this thing? Have you seen this thing? That's all it is. Casey, look it up.

Is it Jamie?

Casey, is it Jamie? Casey, look up if it's Jamie. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Are we sure it's Casey? Casey, are you Jamie? Have you been saying Casey and it's Jamie this whole time? Jamie?

Jamie, look up to see if it's Casey. Janet, thank you so much for coming. Anything to plug other than Pirates of Penzance, which is a perfect movie?

I absolutely, I will eternally plug the Pirates of Penzance film that Erin and I watched. The only thing I feel bad about is that if you're not watching it with the two of us, it will not be as fun of an experience. So I guess I'll plug, invite us over to your house and let us watch Pirates of Penzance with you. I bet we will come to at least one of your homes. Just you're going to need to sell us on it. Is there a slide to get in and out? What kind of groceries do you steal from other people's homes? Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, I would like to plug, not just my appearance, not just, I know Erin's been on, but the podcast in whole, The Brett DeMott Show. If you're looking for a new podcast to add to your rotation, The Brett DeMott Show, very, very funny. John and David have both been on our show before on Hey Riddle Riddle, but check out their show, The Brett DeMott Show, wildly hilarious, very, very good. Please check that out, Brett DeMott Show. I second that plug. Erin, anything to plug?

I would like to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle. Lots of really fun episodes. We've been laughing our asses off over there. And I have, I'm really proud of a lot of that stuff over there. I love it. I love it. I'll second that plug. Also, no one told me, I watched maybe like two episodes of Bridgerton season 1 and then didn't really pick up on it after. Bridgerton season 2 is the horniest best thing I've ever seen and literally no one told me. Season 1 is pretty horny. Season 2 is better and hornier.

Instead of Casey Toney, pretty horny.

That's nothing. That's nothing. Jamie, look that up. Is it pretty horny? Is it pretty horny? On Hey Riddle Riddle podcast, the editor, is it pretty horny? Audio Daddy, pretty horny?

I sat down and I watched all of season 2 in one sitting, fast forwarding through the boring parts to get to the sexy parts, and now I am on my second viewing of season 2. Oh my god, no one told me. Watch this one standing up.

Don't just sit down for your second watch of season two. Stand up for it, you know what I mean?

And bring a fan. And salute to fan yourself.

Erin, I love you on Hey Riddle Riddle. Erin, you're so great. What are we watching? A fan brought a fan. I brought a fan.

I'm watching Richard in season two and I'm thinking, dude, I might have to finish my shit before I watch this thing.

Oh God, never mind. Ruined. GPC, do you have a review to read or anything to plug?

I have some stuff to plug. And this is a little bit of a sneak peek because this is our last episode of March. Next month on the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon, the entire month is dedicated to a sport that people have been clamoring for more of. That is right, April on Hey Riddle Riddle will be The Penguin Baseball League month of April. What? What did we call it? What? March of the Penguin Baseball League of April?

I said we should do it in March so it's called March of the Penguins and then we had to push to April and I said we should still call it April of the Penguins.

April of the Penguins. It is April of the Penguins. It is four episodes all about penguin baseball. And if you have not heard our penguin baseball episode, we will be dropping it on the main feed. It is a Patreon episode that we'll be unlocking in a few days on April 1st. Not exactly an April Fool's Day prank at all, because it is actually something we are following through on. Look, we are not the best at branding and marketing the things that we do, but we are announcing it here. All April on the Patreon will be Penguin Baseball League Month, including, and this is the fucking best part, we have merch for all of our teams, and we will have five unique Penguin Baseball teams with their own logo and a Penguin Baseball League official logo All available at our merch store. You can click the link in the episode description starting in April and they'll all be live there.

And we should, we would be idiotic, moronic to not mention this. Janet Varney is one of our Penguin Baseball League team owners. So she is in the mix as well as Audio Daddy, Pretty Horny.

That's where the number five comes from. And if you are wondering if the incredibly intimidating, very long email with a long list of obligations that I have committed myself to by doing this was shocking and appalling and like your stomach sank a little bit when you read it, get ready because it's going to be a really exciting April of Penguins.

I think the email just said, send me your team name and then also if you have time, player names. I don't know that it was a Sisyphean task, Janet, but alright, I'll take the note.

Feels like one. I'll say this, Adal did write one email, so you are going into this, listeners, going into this knowing this is the most work we have ever done for an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Maybe that's what it was, that it was anything at all. It was any direction at all.

Yeah, and we will see you there. Erin, I know people are going to be dying for a sneak peek, but would you like to tell them where your Penguin Baseball team is going to be representing?

This is a joke. Jupiter!

Bye forever.

My team's representing Boston, idiots. Idiots!

No comma there, just Boston idiots.

No, no, no, no, no. Yes, yes! Comma, comma, comma!

Casey Toney did the editing.

Mary Parrish did the music.

Hey there Chips and Mitches, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's a return to, oh boy, JPC's Acting Factory. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your 7 day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month. And you get those ad free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast.