Which Riddle Riddle?

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Okay, three doors in front of me. Okay, sort of a Robert Frost plus one, I guess. Okay. Okay, nobody else is with me. How do I choose? I'm gonna go... What would Erin do? Erin would probably go... Door number two, you dumb-dumb. Okay, let's open door number two. Who's back here? What's going on back here?

I'm hiding in here.

Oh shit. I'm sorry.

I'm playing hide-and-seek. Don't draw attention to me.

Oh, that sucks. I wasn't invited to play. Can I play?

Yeah? You can't hide here though. I'm here.

Okay. All right. Let me shut the door here.

Ready or not, here I come. Okay. Ooh. Where is that Erin? Three doors in front of me.

Two. Door number two.

I'm sorry?

Two. Said the lamp.

And I pull on the string, and put it on my face. Okay, walking in door number two, and... Okay, Erin and Adal in here.

Aw, man! Wee!

Adal, you were not invited to play. You were not invited to play, because I knew you would say door number two, and you would help me find Erin. This is why- I can't keep secrets! This is why we don't invite you to our games of hide-and-seek.

Oh.

Well, JPC, there's still one more person to find. Janet's the guest.

Janet Varney's the guest. I told you I can't keep secrets!

Are you even serious?

I'm freaking out. She's in door number one, I assume.

Let's all go check.

Surprise! No, Adal ruined it.

He ruined it. They ruined it? I delayed it.

But the cake!

This giant cake!

You guys don't wanna... Smash!

Smash! Smash!

Smash! An expense for nothing, Janet. An expensive bit for nothing. I spent $2,000 on this giant cake.

Hey everyone. How are you? It's me, sultry Janet Varney.

Hey Janet, other Janet is wondering if you have a pencil.

Hey Janet, we don't need you on the show anymore. We don't need you on the show anymore. Thank you so much for your long history and long service and your valued asset.

Goodbye, sultry Janet. That's the one we're leaving behind.

No! Wait! No!

Everybody, come out, come out, sit at your chairs, turn on your microphones. We're doing an episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, which is a riddles and puzzle and lateral thinking podcast, kind of. It's mostly a fever dream competition between three or four friends. So that's what this is. That's Adal, that's JBC, and that's Janet.

What are you doing right now, Erin? What do you mean? I've never seen you try. What are you doing?

This looks like trying. Yeah.

Are you sick? You're like introducing the show. You're like saying our names. What the fuck are you doing?

Can I ask you something really quick? Because I don't know why I'm hearing this for the first time now, even though I absolutely have heard you say it a billion times. I understand that, you know, when people get grumpy about, like, they thought there were gonna be more riddles and puzzles. Do you feel like the lateral thinking portion is what is the most professional sounding? That's the thing that makes it sound the most like Hey, this offers a lot of promise about clever solutions to life's problems. You know, puzzles and riddles are really just a way to fine-tune your brain to handle the real problems of life. To me, that's what I think is making people feel so, so deeply betrayed by this podcast. 99% of the listeners feel so deeply betrayed. I don't know Janet, there's a lot of betrayal here.

Okay, and we put Janet back in door number one and lift up with door number three. This is actually funny, this is really good. Sultry Janet, did you want to come on out?

Yeah, don't have a complaint about this podcast. I also don't have a sense of humor, but I do think this is a great podcast.

Slams.

Janet number one, come on out. Yeah, you know, I do remember Adal saying lateral thinking problems in the first episode. And I would say we've done that like six times in five years.

They are a type of riddle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that just sounds like the smartest. Like a puzzle, a riddle, you can give a lot of room to that and be like, ah, it's playful, I don't need my life's problems to be solved, I don't need tools. But I think when you say there's going to be lateral thinking problems, that's giving the false promise of giving someone a real life tool that they'll be able to use. And they're not going to get that here.

If the type of thinking that I'm doing isn't lateral thinking, I don't know what it is. Because it ain't thinking. I couldn't just walk down the street and be like, I'm having thoughts. No. Something bad is happening at an angle to my brain. I have descending thinking. I'm delivering the promise.

I absolutely am not going to jump over to something of equal value. That's what lateral thinking seems to me. I only get more and more stupid every time, I think, so it's descending thinking problems. Amen, sister. Yeah.

Do you think that anyone has gotten anything of value from this podcast or do you think it's mostly just betrayals and nightmares?

I think a community has risen from the hatred of the riddles we do. I think people have found sort of like-minded individuals and started to support one another. So I think that's something beautiful that's grown from the seeds of our terrible fruit.

And, uh, Adal and I at least bought houses.

Oh yeah, houses. You guys also bought houses.

That's so stupid.

You guys are idiots.

We will give you some money once you can do the splits.

We have, Erin I'm not joking, we have a savings account with six figures waiting to pay you. You haven't been paid for a single episode. The minute you do the splits, it all goes flooding into your bank account.

Stop emailing us. Erin, Erin has never been paid for the podcast. Why doesn't Erin get a share of the money for the podcast? She will get it when her trust matures. You cannot give a child this kind of money.

The idea that you're finally mature when you do the splits. You're emotionally and mentally mature enough to take on your trust fund when you can do the splits.

It's an amazing rule. Oh man. And you know, if I go to the hospital because I'm desperate for money, that's on you guys.

Yeah.

Because I rip myself in half trying to do the splits preemptively. And that's on you.

I will say that especially when you have a child and you have to establish a will and what happens to your assets when you die, we went through this process, there's a lot of questions that they ask of like, hey, so when you're dead, when you're dust, when you're gone, when you're a ghost, Should we give your child, like, your money? Or should they jump through a bunch of fucking hoops? Like, most people say a bunch of fucking hoops. And I was like, most people say that? Why? Like, I'm dead. Like, who gives an absolute shit what happens to me? I do think it's very funny when it's like, yeah, most parents actually do want to control their children from beyond the grave. That's what you would like to sign up for, correct?

I'm so sorry to make this about me, but I have to. Please leave me something funny in your will. I'm begging you. It can have no monetary value. I want it to make me laugh out loud, though.

I have one of the funniest things that I could leave for any person in my will, and it is being left to you, and that is medical debt. Oh, my medical debt goes directly to you, Erin. I can't explain how, but I got a good lawyer. I got a good lawyer.

I mean, that made me laugh. Okay. What about... Works for me. Maybe he could leave you his ability to do the splits, but then it's up to you to use it.

It's like a three-legged ring or something, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was 33 when I found out about the concept of my own hips, so I don't know that I'm going to be able to lend Erin any splits-doing abilities.

It's also so funny that you mention that because I've been stretching more and my hips are the hardest part of my body to stretch and I do yoga and I do Pilates and it's pretty well known that there's a lot of trauma and emotion stored in your hips and that's why I can't Do the splits because I'm so sad. Because every time I try to start doing it, it just unlocks too much sadness from the past. So that's what's holding me back.

It's pretty well known that you store a lot of your emotions in your hips.

Google it! Google!

Yeah, that's gonna be my friend here, getting the most reliable information. Okay, the first four things are sponsored ads from medical scams. Great.

Okay, so these first warm-up riddles come from Colin. And we can use his name. In each puzzle, I'm going to give you a situation and you're going to give a real Arnold Schwarzenegger one-liner that you could say during the situation. Colin, I love you.

Okay, good, good, good.

For example, if someone has a lot of uncut wood, they would say, get to the choppa. Oh, Colin. Be aware that there's going to be some homophone and slant rhyming nonsense.

But these will all be well-known Schwarzenegger one-liners.

Uh, yeah. I think the word they used was real, not well-known.

I keep my trauma in my hips.

Commando. Commando, right? You are leaving a party, but plan on returning.

I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. And I resign. Can I resign? Can I resign now?

I think you're gonna regret that in about 30 seconds. Okay, next one.

Okay.

You are choosing which half of a two-person horse costume to wear and your friend has already chosen the front. I'll be the back. Someone named Albie gets too close to you and you want him to move away.

You are choosing which role to play in an action movie full of famous musical composers.

You are naming an island that looks like an abdomen of a certain honey-making insect.

I'll be back.

Yep.

I'll be back. It's all about the emphasis. Oh, yeah. And the abdomen is the back. Okay.

Yeah, now it is. In the second aisle of an unusual grocery store, a chicken clucks.

Okay, here's where I'll go wrong.

Hint, usually named second aisle, chicken sound.

I'll be bookk. I'll be bookk.

Yep.

Nice. Aldi, Aldi Bukkak.

Aldi's Bukkake.

Nope.

Well. Nope.

This one is the one that is the most layered. A sick supermodel is auditioning for the starring role in the Kathy movie.

I'll be AK. AK.

I'll be back. AK.

AK.

Yeah. And bonus question, name one Arnold Schwarzenegger one-liner that's not I'll be back or get to the chopper.

Chill out. It's not a tumor. Yes. I'm the Danny DeVito one.

Oh man. Well, thank you so much for those, Colin. I thought that would be a fun little thing to start with. That was beautiful.

What an amuse-bouche. And I do want to see a scene. Let's say that JPC and Janet, you two are on the set of an action movie. You're both the stars of this action movie and there's some wiggle room for improv. So you're both in sort of this intense action scene and you're both trying to kind of find your footing and what your character might say during certain scenes.

And the director said we could do a little improv, right?

I think, I think that's, I think that's what they, I think that's what he said. And action!

Uh, Miss Isle, what isle did you think I was aiming at?

Yeah, uh, this, whoa, this thing is the bomb.

and we got it and we got we have a full capture there let's go ahead and move over to the food fight scene in the cafeteria and wait really just just moving okay yeah no yeah yeah just real quick um it's me danny on sound uh you're wincing in pain is getting picked up on the mic just so you know

Take that, you! Let's squash this beef!

Looking around for squash, looking around for beef. It's only pizza.

Huh! I'll give you a pizza in my mind! Woo! Takes three bows, looks directly into camera lens, bows, bows, bows again, bows again.

That's sausage advice. And we got it, we got it. Can we cut out me saying there's only pizza? Is that, or no?

We can't! Danny the sound guy's not a god, I can only do so much.

I can't believe Danny DeVito's in the sound department on this film. This is fun, this is cool. Action! We're in a zoo, action!

Get to the giraffe! We did it!

It'd be terrible to be on a raft and there's a giant long neck and head in front of you.

Awful whitewater rafting. Zoo action! Fuck!

Okay. These next riddles are some Only Connect riddles from Ross.

Yes please.

Who has sent riddles before, which is amazing. Round one. We remember how these Only Connect ones work. They're sort of four little questions, and then you sort of solve why all those answers are connected. That's right. Okay. Great. Complete the phrase, I'm a lover, not a I'm a lover not a Batman.

I'm a lover not a Batman Begins.

I'm a lover not a Little Women.

I'm a lover not an Empire of the Sun. I'm a lover not a The Mechanic.

I'm a lover not a Vice.

I'm a lover not a The Mechanic.

2016 Star Wars film starring Felicity Jones. Rebel One. This is In the Celtic society, a druid.

A shaman.

Word for a magic user which takes its origin from the Latin phrase, one who influences fate or fortune.

Wizard.

No.

Sorcerer. Mage.

Sorcerer.

Sorcerer.

These are all base classes in the game Baldur's Gate 3. Loosely based upon the concept of Dungeons and Dragons.

I would like to see a scene. Janet, you're a fighter. Adal, you are a druid. And JBC, you are a sorcerer. And you guys are sort of having a drink and catching up after a long day.

Yes, everyone, bring me your cup and I will fill it to the top. And I just want to apologize and get ahead of it. I'm so sorry during the battle I just kept saying, let us pray. It just felt like, I don't know. Might as well try it out, right? Can't hurt to pray.

I'm less concerned about that than I am why you put pizza in this cup. I want something to drink. What are you telling me? There's only pizza? Look again. I've been fighting all day. I need booze.

Does magic look again? It's Liquid Pizza!

Uh, truly my bad, I kind of got into the heat of the moment and said, oh boy, what spells do I know?

There was a point at which you spelled the word sword, but like, you were just spelling the word sword. That wasn't a spell for a sword to magically appear, as I noticed when I was immediately stabbed as an empty-handed fighter. Yeah, yeah.

Because I swear to God, I was like, a spell sword. That's something, right? Yeah.

That's something, right? It was a little embarrassing. I pretended not to be fighting with you when you yelled, 100 foot wall of flame and all that happened was a grasshopper turned into a cricket. I kind of did, you know, I started to punch one of you two. I can't remember which one.

It was me. You punched me.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Here, have some more liquid pizza.

Yeah, the grasshopper cricket thing too may have been incidental to the me casting that spell. I honestly thought I knew more spells. I don't know what to say.

Honestly, I didn't even pay that much attention to what was going on with you guys because the whole time I was fighting I was just feeling and I gotta get this out somewhere. I'm a lover. You guys, I'm a lover. I'm not a fighter. What am I doing? There's nobody said I thought I could sign up for being a lover. You know what I mean? Instead, all they gave me was fighter. But I'm a lover.

I just want to say when you know, I know that I don't know a lot of spells and I know that, you know, our cleric here really only knows hot pizza. But when you came to the group and you said that you were a fighter, I thought that that meant you would have some sort of like martial prowess, not that you were just going through like a really tough divorce. And Jill, we support you, don't we, Roger? Don't we, Roger? Fighting can be internal conflict. of the podcast.

Round two. Animal played by George Clooney in the 2009 Wes Anderson hit. Fantastic Mr. Fox. Fox, yes. Band who wants to know if you come from the land down under. Men at work. Men at work, sorry. Did not realize that was not over.

These are all Michael J's.

No. Heavy-duty vehicle whose name is based on the Greek word trokos.

Jeep. Hummer. Tank. Heavy-duty vehicle.

Trokos? A truck?

Tractor. A truck, yes. The worst thing that a cockroach could possibly start doing.

Making me dinner.

Dating your sister?

What did everyone say? Everyone said something weird and it was all at the same time. Go one by one, please. JPC, we're starting with you. What did you say?

I said dating your sister. I don't know what else.

Janet? I said making me dinner. And JPC, what did you actually say?

Making your sister dinner. I think I said methamphetamines.

Yeah, I think you did too.

What an open-ended question.

You think a cockroach doing meth is worse than a cockroach doing fentanyl? Come on.

I'd like to see a scene. Use your brain!

Yeah, I guess so.

Use your brain! No, we promised on the show we would never have to do that. My apologies. Adal, you are meeting up to have dinner with your sister Janet, and she's introducing you to her new boyfriend, JPC, played by a cockroach. Or a cockroach.

JPC played by a cockroach?

I didn't mean to say that. No, I did not mean to say that. JPC is a cockroach in it.

Wow, okay, so we're saying a bunch of stuff we mean.

It was a slip, it was a slip, it was a slip, it was a slip.

I think overall, just in general, if we were to zoom out, I think JPC is sort of like Vincent D'Onofrio in The First Men in Black.

He is definitely a bug alien stuffed uncomfortably into JPC's skin.

And JPC's not wearing his headphones so he can't hear this. You're meeting her new boyfriend who is a cockroach.

Alan, I am so excited that you are finally going to meet my sweetie.

Oh, I most I'm so I one happy birthday. Thank you for inviting me.

And happy birthday to you twin.

Thank you so much. We finish each other's sentences. We we just I just wanted to talk just very briefly before he gets here. Just the last I feel like the last couple Guys you've introduced to me I just have not been wildly impressed with and I think the world of you and you deserve the world so I just want to get that out there I just want to clear the air.

Is this a bad time to tell you that he's already sitting here he's just ducked under the table for a moment?

Oh is he?

Rich you can come out now!

Alan, this is Rich. Rich, this is my twin brother, Alan. I'm

I'm sorry? What? CeraVe. Am I saying it wrong? I guess I've only seen it written. CeraVe?

Actually, you know what? I've never thought about it. You're saying it and I realize I've never heard it said out loud.

Sorry, you keep saying my name over and over again. I'm CeraVe.

Your name is CeraVe?

Yeah, sorry, I'm just at the next table. Oh, I thought he was just mispronouncing the word server. Saravay?

Saravay, we're ready to order.

Well, I did just come back from the South of France.

Yes, and I'm the server. What do you need?

Can we get, um, my sister and I... Saravay, what are you doing up from the table?

I'm sorry, this guy just kept saying my name over and over again.

We'll go back to your seat, Saravay. Saravay? Are you following me? I'm so sorry, this is my ex.

Oh my god, are you fucking serious? You're dating already? You know each other?

This is- we agreed when we broke up, I get the restaurant, okay?

Yeah, this guy gives me the best sex of my life, and then he ghosts me.

I can't- you- you- Rich, you suggested this restaurant. You didn't realize that there was a chance that we were gonna run into either the server or her twin sister who's eating here named Saravay?

Yeah, well, look, uh, Sarah Vey and Beverly Vey, uh, I, you know, I'm not gonna stop coming to my favorite restaurant just because I, you know, I broke up with you to briefly date your sister Beverly Vey and then broke up with her so I could start my relationship with Alan's sister.

I mean, you told me I had a thing for twins, but I didn't realize, like, that extended to just a girl who has a fraternal twin brother.

Well, that is closed-minded of you. We'll be right back with your food.

We won't spit in it, I bet. We'll be back.

Yeah, they're gonna spit in it. Luckily, that's also how I eat my food, I think.

How did we meet? Is that, did I hear you ask that just to get the conversation back on track? 20 minutes ago. I'm leaving.

I'm putting on my coat and my hat and I went double. Scene.

Fun. Somehow just describing putting on your coat and your hat in that context, even though I have fully seen you with a coat and a hat, I've seen you with a hat many times, just the way you said that made it suddenly be like a Jimmy Stewart movie. It was like the 1950s. You were putting on like a derby.

Do you ever see Harvey, the movie Harvey, where his twin sister's dating the cockroach?

I could never watch it because it upset me too much. My dad tried to show me Harvey when I was little and I was like, nobody believes him and I was crying so hard he had to stop it and I've never gone back. Is it great?

Janet, you maybe have the purest heart of any mortal. That is incredible.

I know that you guys will not believe this when I tell you but we were in the middle of something.

We have Fox, Work, and Truck.

And Fox, Work, Truck, and... Oh, the cockroach thing. Yes. What's the worst thing a cockroach could do?

Lay eggs?

No.

No.

Survive? Start eating your food. I'm not necessarily sure that this is the worst thing it could do, but it definitely would be a fly.

It sucks when they start flying. Yeah, you don't want, they shouldn't deserve to fly on top of everything else.

Did I tell you about my honeymoon? Where, okay, never mind. In the hotel was a cockroach and I got a cup and I was about to put the cup over the cockroach and it flew 50 miles an hour upward directly into my face and I screamed like a horse.

Like a horse.

Of course, of course. Jenna has video of it somewhere. I'll post it with this episode.

I would love that.

I did watch three lizards eat a cockroach as the cockroach tried to fly away and the lizards jumped on it, like grabbed it out of the air, pulled it down, and then proceeded to eat it.

Grabbed it out of the air? That's exciting.

I'm ready for another biblical flood. I think we should start over. I'm sort of done with a lot of the stuff that's here. We're

Hand truck, hand fly, hand work, work hand.

So far, the Michael J. Fox thing is kind of fun because it's like Marty McFly drives a truck. He works hard in the movie Back to the Future and his name is Michael J. Fox.

These are all types of school that you can have.

Adding another word to it was on the right track. Is it does it go before or after each word?

I would say the work and truck are maybe gonna be the most helpful I don't know it's hard when you know the answer to know what would be helpful but some a word that could go before work and truck Pick up fox.

Pick up work.

Handy truck. Handy work.

Handy... Specific kind of truck. Dump truck. Dump fox. It's not really a specific kind of work.

Janet, I just want to say I'm so sorry that you had to dump that fox. It was no good for you.

Pick up work. Pick up fox. Pick up fox? No.

You said that to me.

Okay, hold on. I want to see.

I do want to see a scene.

I gotta see a scene. So Adal, your name is the Pickup Fox, and you're teaching us a class of very, very new-to-dating people how to be a pickup fox.

Hey everyone, thanks for coming to my workshop. It flips a coin in the air, catches it with my hand. I am the Pickup Fox and I'm going to teach you all about the fox game. Now here's what you do. Pencils out, notepads ready. When you see someone you went to date or take home or kiss, what you do is you fox-neg them. What this means is you raise your heckles, okay? You make your fur kind of stand on end and become coarse and you start to growl. Now let me hear some growls.

That's how I hear someone howling. I hear someone howling.

What did he say?

He said growl. I was writing.

You two, front of the class.

Whatever, he's so hot. What? I didn't do anything.

You two, front of the class right now. Thank you so much. Slips my phone number in my mouth and eats it. You'll never get this. You two I just called up here. Let's say a person who wasn't howling. What's your name? Who wasn't howling?

Oh, I was growling. Yeah, I was growling. What's your name? My name's Vicky.

Vicky, so nice to meet you, beautiful. And what was your name, Howl? My name's Ronnie Pianos. Beautiful, kisses your hand. Ronnie Pianos and Vicky, you're gonna do a scene. Vicky, you notice Ronnie playing piano and you just have to talk to him. Here we go, action.

Hey, I noticed you're playing piano and I just had to talk to you. Thanks for watching!

Who told you that? Have you taken this class before? Who told you that?

No, no, I'm just sort of connecting the dots together. Do I have everyone's NDA?

Why is this information out there? I'm ruined. I'm ruined.

You had us sign our own NDAs and then we hate them. Scene. Okay. This is a specific kind of truck, but I would not say this is a specific kind of work in the way that you're thinking about work. The word that gets added to the front of work makes it not work. It makes it a totally different thing. Home truck. Homework.

Did you take out the car? This is a home truck.

Homework is sort of a kind of work, and this is not. When you add the word to the front of work, it's not any sort of labor.

That's its own single individual riddle. That's one more riddle tucked inside a riddle.

When you say a certain kind of truck, Erin, is this going to be like a certain brand of truck? Is this like Dodge?

Hand truck. Hand work. Hand fop.

Toe Fox. Okay. Toe Fox.

I'm grateful that these trucks exist.

During Thanksgiving with you, Erin, I had a slice of toeworkie. Moving truck.

No.

Moving fun.

Come on. Trucks that you're like, thank God.

Box trucks.

Semi trucks.

Because a lot of... Trucks that we're like, thank God?

Yeah, they have a purpose for our society. They serve us well.

Snow truck. Food truck. What is a fire truck? Fire truck, firework, firefly. What is a fire hand, Erin? Answer for your crimes! Can we take a break and weep?

Yes, we're taking a break so I don't have to answer for my crimes. Adal, go go go go go!

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you.

What's up?

You know how I told you guys that I wanted to learn a new language? And you two absolute jokers-shamokers sent me to a farm to talk to a pig who could speak? English, I think, was what was going on with Erin. He's going for Babel.

No, we told you to go to Babel. The best way to learn a language? Immersion, JPC.

Not living on a farm. You have to live where the language is spoken and use it every day.

But if that's not in the cards this year, because you have a baby, you have to speak baby language, you can still learn a language. The second best way, and that's with Babel.

It's a science-backed language learning app that actually works, so you don't have to pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. It's just quick 10-minute lessons that are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Okay, so that's really much better.

It says that Babbel's designed by real people for real conversations, and I gotta be honest, I talked to that pig for a lot longer than that and he had some pretty generous way to say this outdated ideas. Well, unlike that pig, Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching, so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world.

I'm going to France this year and I'm downloading Babbel so I can order at restaurants and say hello to people and thank people after I buy all of their antiques from their stores. And I'm finally going to talk to my dad. Salaam alaikum father, habibi, mubsoot, hundala.

Babbel has over 16 million subscriptions sold, plus all of Babbel's 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee.

Oh, and I gave the pig my email and he is sending me a lot of emails. Is he sending some email?

Is that what he's sending?

Yep.

Yep. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash riddle.

Get 55% off at babbel.com slash riddle spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply. I shouldn't have clicked some of these pig links. Oh, there's a spider on your neck. Get it. That was there before. Oh. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Okay, I'm hacking the computer. Let me just slam on the keyboard here. We're almost in. Oh, there I found it.

Squarespace.com. Cracks knuckles. Um, yeah, are you just logging into your Squarespace?

Yeah, I'm logging in, but- I thought you were a hacker. I'm logging in like a 90s TV hacker. Let me slam on my keyboard a bunch. I'm in. Okay, it's not your keyboard.

It's my keyboard, and you're really damaging it with your slams. Takes a big swig of energy drink. I'm in. Oh, Adal, I feel like anyone can use Squarespace. It's a tool that makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms. Yeah. Adal, you don't really have to hack into it. Yeah, sure. It's for everyone. Let me just set up some custom merch here. Easily sell some custom merch and create a passive income that engages your audience and scales your brand. I'm in. Okay, yeah, so that's the custom merch that we already have set up. You just, you hit backspace a bunch of times. Looks like you maybe deleted some of the merch. Slammed backspace. Adal, Squarespace has an online store where you can sell your products, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products.

Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online.

You don't need to hack into anything for that.

Oh yeah?

Rolls eyes, picks up a copy of... Oh, that looked painful! Yeah, they're stuck, they're stuck. I'm in. Jeez! I'm in.

I mean, I can see you trying to hack into this, but you can just host video content and organize your video library to showcase your content on beautiful video pages and sell access to your videos with member areas. You don't have to hack anything. You just, you don't have to.

Give me the keyboard.

Points to a copy of Isaac Asimov's complete works. I'm in. No, no, and Adal, these energy drinks you're drinking, it looks like they all expired in 1994. Oh look. You've been drinking these? They're dust! Oh no. Look, we gotta get Adal to the hospital, but what you should do is go to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm in.

Oh, he crossed over. Hey, it's Kaley Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price? Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's Cousin Kevin's kazoo concert in Kansas City, Go Kevin! Or Becky's Bachelorette bash in Bermuda, you never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today. Your savings are waiting. Go to your happy place for a happy price.

Go to your happy price, Priceline.

And we're back, and Erin is still on trial.

No, you promised!

The break erases my sins.

The break erases any sort of anger and sins. It's a complete emotional reset for the podcast. Sorry, we have to find her not guilty.

This NDA is airtight. It's been eaten by a fox, so we can't get to it. Oh, it's been eaten by a fox. Case dismissed. And Diana?

Take another break. Is it too soon to take another break?

Let's take another break, and here we go!

And we're back!

And everyone has forgiven each other, right? I hope so. I hope Casey played the Stings twice. I think he did. I think he probably did. Should we try to do it again?

And we're gonna go on a break.

And we're back from the break.

Thanks, Casey. No. You're bad with power.

You're bad with power. I am not. We're taking a break. No.

And we're back from the break. I love being old man puzzling again. Why am I out of breath?

What are you guys doing on your breaks? I am exhausted. Too many breaks.

I'm playing a little fire hand for myself.

No, Erin, do riddles. No more breaks. You have to do riddles.

Erin, please, we'll do riddles.

Not guilty.

Your honor, not guilty. Thank you. Let's take a quick break. Goodbye. Oh god. And we're back from the break. Okay, round three. This one's gonna be pretty hard.

I'll be surprised. I think through deductive reasoning, you could probably get it, but... I don't think that this is necessarily easy. I don't remember deductive reasoning being part of the puzzles, riddles, and lateral thinking list.

We'll go back and add that to every episode.

Also, product idea, deductive seasoning.

What do we think?

And it's for seasoning duck for you vegans out there.

Deductive seasoning. Eat like a duck-tective.

Is that a Jason Alexander cartoon, right?

And we're going out, and I'm just kidding. I love it. I love having this much power.

This episode's already ten minutes longer because of all the five-second interstitials we've added into it. I'm starting to worry that JPC's just gonna leave abruptly. I hope not. At some point I might just walk out. This is the easiest paycheck Casey's ever had. If that happens, that's the only reason why. Okay, round four.

Three.

Round three deductive. Can we skip to four?

We said we did round three during the break. Yes. During one of those breaks. A nickname for the bathroom that originates from the creator of flushing of the flushing toilet. I didn't know a nickname for the yes. Yeah, John flushing. These are Beatles. 2011 film starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost featuring Seth Rogen as an alien who escaped Area 51. I'm

What you would call someone who's devoutly religious almost to a snobby level?

Annoying. Sucker. Indoctrinated. No. Okay. Pious.

Pious.

Pious. Now what the Pope? The Pope? The Pious?

Pope Laringo. I would like to see a scene. See the little ponchos.

Poncho Urban. Poncho Urban is holy shit that's the best name ever. Poncho Urban. The three of you are all popes and you are all meeting together to sort of discuss. How there were three popes. Yes, how there- Yeah, maybe- JPC, you're the current pope, and then Janet and Al, you were previous popes.

And you're looking for their counsel. Previous popes.

Do they- Don't they just die? And then that's when they retire?

Sometimes they retire. They can choose to retire.

Okay, well I died, I'm a ghost.

Don't they just die? Hey guys, how are you? Hey popes, don't they just die? Hey guys, what's going on in the land of the living?

Here I am in ghost form.

Wanna hear how everybody's doing being a pope and not being a pope. I, uh... Oh, go ahead, please.

No, I wanted to summon the former popes, even the spirits of the former popes, because I have such a hard decision to make. Must be nice to be the Italian pope.

You can do the accent and everything. I was the Argentinian pope, and of course, I can't do the voice. Well, I also was Italian, but everyone knows when you turn into a ghost, you just have an American accent, so... Whoa. That's one of the first things that goes when your body dies, is your accent.

I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really looking forward to that. I am too. I'm looking forward to that too.

For you.

So my question for the two of you who are the most recently deceased Popes. Is it cool if I just stop being a Pope? I don't actually know that too many people are like, even aware of the Pope anymore. So it feels like kind of like the perfect like, this is like a Bitcoin in like 2010.

Like this is like the perfect time to kind of like, get out of being a Pope. Friend, I gotta tell you something, this is gonna be really bad news for you because you're not real plugged into the to the world of the internet. But right now, you've never been more popular. People are making AI art about you that makes you look like a gangster, like a cool

Heroic gangster. Am I right, Leo? Yep. Stussy, if you know the clothes brand Stussy has a lot of Pope hoodies.

It's like Pope doing sort of like the cross like the 1990s hip sort of crossing the arms with fingers kind of move. People say that when you make a bold, brave move that cuts away from status quo, they're like, oh man, you just poked.

So you're like, in, guy.

You're a verb now. Pope is a verb. Also, did you think 2010 was the best time to sell Bitcoin?

No, to get in!

To get into the Bitcoin.

I see.

I'm sorry, I misheard, I misheard. Not to sell!

That's why I retired, is because my hearing is going.

You died.

I mean, let's be honest. Oh no, you didn't know. That's, we gotta tell you something. You've been walking around telling people you're retired. You are not, you are no longer living, my friend. You thinking you couldn't do the Argentinian accent, it's a bit of taken from you.

It's been taken, that's why, that's why none of us could hear it in your voice. That's why, that's why none of us could hear it.

You've been talking just kind of regular the whole time and we, oh my god. I know what this means. Did I just?

Oh no.

Oh buddy.

Come on.

Unbelievable. Fun. Incredible neck muscles. There really is a lot of AI art about the Pope right now. It's extraordinary.

It's extraordinary.

It's extraordinary. It's simply extraordinary. Here we go. They can be great white or hammerheads, but can suffocate if they stop moving. An animal, and we learned this already so nobody freak out, we already gave you this terrible news maybe 100 to 200 episodes ago, an animal that can orgasm for up to 90 minutes.

I don't want to think about it.

I don't think it's fair to bring that back up. I'm really sorry. I don't think it's kosher to bring it back up.

I know it's not kosher to bring it back up. Let's take a quick break and Casey, plug in that pig orgasm sound for the next hour. No, no, no, no. I have old man puzzles.

She's in charge. No, just play the pig orgasm sound without going to break.

Can we at least talk over it? That's all folks, or is it? Are we talking over it right now? Please tell me we're talking over it. Please tell me we're doing something, something to cut through the noise. Teacher can be fun. Let's all try and match its tone.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I love the idea that the pig orgasm is like a vocal orgasm for the full 90 minutes.

The full 90 minutes is it going... I like to think that the pig's orgasming and it's like, I'm up here.

You're here, we're here. I hate that.

I actually hate that so much.

So far we have sharks and pigs, so we know it's probably going to be professional sports teams.

The Species of a Famous Italian Children's Character, Geronimo Stilton. Thanks for watching.

Ring-tailed lemur. Squirrel. No, close to rat.

What's the animal that's close to rat?

Mouse.

Guinea pig.

Mouse. Yes, a mouse.

Didn't we say mouse a long time ago? I don't think so. Or was the pig orgasm so loud no one could hear it? Pig orgasm is... Casey, Casey, can you audio EQ the pig orgasm?

Can you bring the pig orgasm down and me up? I need to hear myself. I'm hearing the pig orgasm in my head.

Yeah, I'm getting a lot of, like, bleed through other people's headphones into their microphones of the pig orgasm.

Do you have the capability to put pig orgasm in my headphones? Because why am I hearing it all of a sudden in my headphones? Wait, I took off my headphones and I'm still hearing it. Casey, how are you doing this?

Still hearing it.

Creature used as a symbol for Hufflepuff and Hogwarts.

That's a badger. Badger? Shark?

What do these all have in common? Mouse?

I know.

These are all games from West Side Story. Adal, do you want to see if anyone else can get it? I'm going to give a hint. Janet, okay wait, no. JPC, I'm gonna give you the first one.

Janet, I'm gonna give you the second one. I'm gonna give Erin the third and I'll take the fourth. These are all... I got it too, so do I have to give Janet a hint now? Is this how this fucking works?

These are all characters that have appeared, animal characters that have appeared on Magic Tavern.

That are played by... Again, I have to stop you there because I never played a shark. Yes you did.

No, I played a person who was married to a shark. My name was Louis A. Shark, and her name was Lois A. Shark.

But you did play half a fish. You played half a fish man? Fish horse, a fin tar. That's not the same. I played a fin tar. If fin tar was one of the answers to this riddle, then it would be people we played on Magic Tavern.

Somebody better clean the fucking gunk out of their goddamn ears and go back and listen to that episode from very early on in the podcast.

And I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but Ross, I think you're the person with the gunk in your ears in the thing that JPC was suggesting. You have gunk in your ears. I was positing that maybe perhaps you had gunk in your ears, and you can choose to see that as a negative, or you can choose to see that as a guy you never even fucking met you saving your life. Because you're gonna go to the Minute Clinic, you're gonna say, do I have gunk in my ears? They're gonna go, oh my god, yes, you actually had a dangerous level of gunk in your ears.

You actually haven't been hearing shit, right, since like 2018 when that fucking podcast episode came out. And I just saved your life, Ross.

Erin, why are you fanning yourself? Your cheeks are flushed. Let's not even joke about me being horny about it.

If a pig can hear it for 90 minutes, y'all can hear it for the last 15 minutes of this episode, okay?

That's not up for debate. I'm dying! I hate it! I hate it! Casey, listen to me. I'm your boss. Make this episode two and a half hours long.

At the hour mark, our episode ends, and then I want you to put a 90-minute chunk of pig orgasm in at the end.

So many people are gonna be like, ooh, a two and a half hour episode of Hey Riddle Riddle. This must be something special. What a treat. Whoa, and Janet's there? A really special episode. I can't wait. Here's my issue with that. Normally, maybe a hundred episodes ago, I'd go, Casey, of course, a 90 minutes of a big workout to the end of the episode. Of course, of course. You've really matured. Thank you. Thank you. But I also think my level of self-awareness, I have this overwhelming feeling that people are about to hit their wall with us. I think a lot of patience and goodwill are about to run out, and I think we're on the thinnest device, and I think that us in 2019-2020 maybe could have gotten away with a 90-minute pig orgasm.

I don't think we have the goodwill for that, and I want to respect our listeners enough to know that we can't do that. What a beautiful speech. I hope there was a pig orgasm playing underneath that speech.

Erin, look around you, this is the snowpiercer train. It's been autotuned so that it's playing the national anthem, but it's an autotuned pig orgasm.

You just added two hours of work to Casey. I hope you're happy, Janet. I think the biggest problem that Casey's probably gonna bring up in the edit on this episode is that there is no open source pig orgasm. Like, sure, there's plenty of YouTube videos of pig orgasms. So Casey's gonna need to make a pig orgasm.

Yeah, Casey, we do a lot of work with talking on the podcast. Why don't you just make a 30-second pig orgasm sound and loop it, Casey? We'll know if it's looped. This podcast is about altruism. It's about altruism for humanity.

And if there isn't an open source pig orgasm out there, then Casey, that's what your responsibility is.

It's making me nervous that we don't see Casey typing. Casey's typing into a different browser, pig orgasm, open source, not royalty free pig orgasm, 90 minute minimum.

I'm not reading what he said.

I'm not reading what he said. Oh my god. I'll read it.

Here's what I'll say. I'll read it because it is very funny. Casey wrote, fingers busy jacking this pig off. And let's go on a break. That's me clapping.

And we're back from that break.

I hope, I hope anyone came back.

I doubt it. I doubt it.

Well, I can tell you who came back is the pig. No. Okay, we're going on another break. Alright. Hey everybody, we're back and I want to give a big shout out to our new audio editor. Please welcome Doreen. Doreen, say hi.

Alright, Doreen's dead. Take a break, take a break.

And we're back from the final break. We're so sorry. Okay, here we go. Our old audio editor is back.

Please welcome to the show, our editor for the longest time, Piggy Jerky. I mean Daisy Pony. Hold on. Damn it.

Oh, I hate this. I hate this.

It was the Barbra Streisand effect. I was trying to glaze over the pig orgasm. Don't say glaze! Glazed ham? Come on. And then I drew more attention to it.

Oh, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate thinking about how we eat pigs and also they can orgasm.

Well, you don't have to eat pigs. That's the good news. You would deny a pig? Pleasure, Erin? Disgusting. Guys, actually, I am gonna start gagging. I felt that.

I felt my gag reflex sort of turn on.

Oh, no. You guys, did I tell you I'm having a thing? I'm having a psychosomatic thing where I'm throwing up all of the time out of nowhere without even being nauseous. Isn't that crazy? I've gone to like three different doctors about it and they think it's psychosomatic because there's no lead up to it and there's no warning for it.

So I am so excited to have you over to my home on Thursday night.

I'm hanging out with Janet on Thursday. Hope you have hardwood floors. We got a lot to talk about. It's worse during the day.

It's worse in the mornings, not usually at night.

But isn't that crazy?

I've just been talking to people and then I've had to run over to a trash can. Erin, what the fuck?

Um, but I, no, I still, I use that when I have enough warning, um, but I often don't have enough warning time, so I've thrown up into the sink, I've thrown up into a cup. What's up? Uh, one, I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Two, right now, right now, can you tell us, for the rest of this episode, can you tell us which words we can't say? That will, that will sort of... Uh, pig.

Orgasm.

Pigs deserve to orgasm. Pleasure. Glaze. Erin!

I don't know what kind of doctors you've been going to as well. But we can still think pigs deserve to orgasm, even though we can't say pigs deserve to orgasm. We can't vocalize it.

Silent opinions from now on, everybody. And I can still eat some pleasure glaze, right? No, stop, stop. I don't know what doctor you have been to recently, and I'm glad that you're getting these other opinions. Is it possible that you body swapped with my dog? Like, is it possible? Oh, yeah, maybe.

Because the problem that you're describing is a very, it feels like spaghetti-centric problem.

I have been screaming at my mailman.

This is actually really helpful because I had an orgasm for like 90 minutes the other day, and now I'm starting to think I body swapped with a baby. What are we doing?

What is this? Puzzles, riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking.

Also, Erin of course went to Dr. Prodigy.

That's the only band I can think of that sings. This isn't a Patreon episode? What the fuck? Uh oh! Isn't it so crazy? I went to like doctor doctors and then I did that thing where they put a tube down your throat and they're like, maybe it's acid reflux. Maybe it's all these other things. It was none of those things. And then I went to my therapist and I was like, they're telling me that it's psychosomatic.

And she was like, I actually have no idea what this could be. And so I had to go to a different therapist. I'm not sure about the psychosomatic thing. I'm worried that that's like the vestigial like tale of women I hope we get to the Pirates of Penzance.

I hope we get to it. I don't hope. I don't care.

We don't have to.

Um, okay. This is the last one. I don't- I- I- Episode of the last episode?

They were in the middle, yeah. This is the last one.

Sorry everybody. Well if that is the last episode, I feel like we should go on one more break.

And we're back from break. Last one though. Hey Erin, Erin, do you think that people are looking at their podcast players when this episode drops, see that it's two and a half hours and think, I'm going to skip ahead just to see what happens? What kind of craziness are they getting up to in the last 20 minutes? Yeah. Do you think that there's a person out there that skips forward to the last 90 minutes of the podcast, hears the pig orgasm, and then says, well, I guess I'll go back and figure out what all this is about?

Or do you think that they just say, no, I'm done with this podcast? James, GBC, I'm sort of firmly on the side of us not adding an extra hour and a half.

I just don't want to offend any animal animals or animal communities or people who care about animals. Well, here's the thing, Nat, we definitely have to make this a two and a half hour episode. We don't necessarily have to put pig orgasm in it, right?

We could just put an hour and a half of silence into the episode and have people like search for the pig orgasm. Erin, if it assuages your fears, that you know, we're on thin ice. Oh, assuages. Assuages. Sorry, I'm thinking of what I'm going to eat for the Italian dinner I have later.

Erin, what if we put the pig orgasm over top of Claire de Lune? I'm listening. What if it just cleared a loon for an hour and a half, and like JBC says, we hide the pig orgasm in there. And if the first person to find the pig orgasm and send a screenshot of it to our Instagram, let's say, Hey Riddle Riddle, we'll get sent a free piece of merch.

And I do want to say, the free piece of merch is going to be my new children's book, Where Is Pig Orgasm?

Now, every page there's a pig orgasm hidden.

Ooh, is that a caveman? And that's a punishment, and then we'll also send you real merch.

And Erin, I'm looking at the list of words that we can't say.

Was pig orgasm on there? Yes! Okay, it was.

A word to describe a surface coated in grease and gunk. Pig Orgasm.

A word to describe a surface coated in grease and gunk. Dirty. Grimy. Blank. Money. Blank. Problems. A song by Moe Grimey. Name of Rick's son in The Walking Dead.

Shane.

Who's what? Name of Rick's son in The Walking Dead.

He screamed it. I remember season one, he like screamed it in a way. Oh, Walt. No, that's lost. Maybe you'll be able to get this from just getting the last one.

Singer whose third album was titled, Are You Gonna Go My Way? Lenny Kravitz. Yes, Blank Kravitz. These are all stooges. Grimey, Moe, Lenny, and Curly?

You're telling me in Walking Dead the guy's named his son Curly? Squiggy.

Was the last one that we got Krabbits or Lenny? Lenny. Squiggy. Squiggy was not one of them. Lenny. Grimey.

Lenny.

Mo.

Grimey. And then the Walking Dead one is Carl.

Oh, these are all Simpsons characters.

Yes, played by Hank Azaria. Yes. Wow. Good work.

Thank you so much, Ross, who lives in Ireland. Please come to Ireland. Thank you. I am, Ross. I'm going to Ireland later this year.

Erin, I'm going to Ireland later this year. When? Uh, end of May.

Maybe I'll go. Maybe I'll go. Maybe I'm gonna go in May. I'm going. JPC?

Mid-April. Maybe I'll go in April. Oinkazeria. Oinkazeria. Is that anything?

Oinkazeria.

Oh, can we skip plugs and just end the episode? I'm dying. Yeah. Well, let's take a break.

And we're back from break. Janet, anything to plug? Anything you want us to check out? You know what? Honestly, I don't care about anything in the world right now except getting you well.

So I'm going to go ahead and plug Erin's health and wellness. Nothing else matters to me. And I'll go ahead and plug the guided meditations that Casey and I did that are still available.

You can still buy them in our Patreon store, our digital store. And thank you for everyone who has already purchased them. Hell yeah. And I want to plug, of course, Erin getting well, of course, what JPC said, and also the celebration that, Erin, if you look in your mobile app or whatever you look at, we've released all your money into your account.

Godspeed. It's $17. Yep, that's all the money. Erin, what do you have to plug?

I got a plug. I don't know. I got nothing. GPC? Listeners, keep listening.

Keep listening to the end of the episode and you'll realize what we spent all of Erin's money on.

It was not cheap. Let's title this kid episode.

Let's say that this is the kid episode. No, no, no, Jupiter. I'm actually done. We're getting the hell out of here.

Are there any parrots in the music?

Hello Hey Riddle Riddle superfans, this is your editor and engineer Casey Toney speaking. I need to come clean on something. The end of the episode that you just heard was false. It was constructed afterwards, in post, at the behest of my employers. I can't bear the weight of guilt that I've held for the past, you know, 25 seconds that the theme has been playing. So I needed to come clean and I am going to play for you the unedited audio of how this recording really ended. I think it's important that you hear it. I think it's important to the very concept of truth that this be part of the public record, this true ending.

So, here it is.

No, no, no, Jupiter.

I'm actually done. We're getting the hell out of here.

No! No, Jupiter, no!

Casey, please! He got that ready so fast!

Oh my god, Casey! The best ep. The best ep.

We'll see you at the potties, everyone! I hate Jesus.

Dang. I hate this. I'm stopping it.

It's stopping. It's stopping. Can we go on another break?

That might be my favorite episode of the week. I know. I'm not kidding. I'm crying. That was so bad. I think it's some of the hardest I've ever laughed. All right, and there you have it. Um, I also just want to say one last thing that any restraint throughout this episode that I seemingly showed in terms of, uh, you know, additions of other pig orgasm sounds throughout and whatnot, it was restraint at, again, the behest of, of, um, my employers. I would never withhold those choices from you willingly.

So, You know, take that as you will. Hey there, tuners and fifteens. If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's another improv episode and this time we're at the zoo. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad-free episodes.

See you there. That was a hate gum podcast.

Hello there, I'm JPC, a certified relaxation expert, and I, with my colleague and doctor of sleep on medicine, Casey Toney, want to introduce you to our series of guided meditations. So if you've ever felt stress, anxiety,

Casey, what's going on? Yeah, sorry JPC. Looks like the backing audio crashed.

It looks like... Huh, that's weird.

It's gone. Gone? Do we have another track that we can use?

Well, I got this wacky cartoon sound effects pack. Yeah, I mean, that could work. So come with us on a journey of discovery, deep reflection, inner peace, solitude, tranquility, calmification, quietude, and harmony. If that sounds like something you need, go to patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle and purchase volume 1 of our guided meditations.

Have you heard you can listen to your favorite comedy podcasts ad-free? Good news! With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad-free top podcasts included with your Prime membership. To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash adfreecomedy. That's amazon.com slash adfreecomedy to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads.