Which Riddle Riddle?

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Can I tell you something? What? I said 3, 2, 1, go. But I forgot that I had to press record, too. It's totally fine. It started just a second later, but amateur.

Wow. Kind of a hypocrite, huh? Making us do stuff on time?

Casey, are you nervous to be a guest? Adal, what you said earlier really fucking shook me, dude.

Total ramage grower.

When I didn't put the title in the chat for Erin and you said do your job, I was like, oh my God, man.

Double duty on this booty. So Casey, we'll get you in here pretty quick. We just do a little intro. We always ask people what their relationship with Riddles and Puzzles is. Don't do this.

Don't do this.

Hey Adal, Erin, can we take a look at this? What's going on? Is there a problem? I don't know. I don't want to say problem because I don't want to alarm anybody, but look at the spot. Don't look at the spot, but look past the spot. Look at me like we're talking. Out of the corner of your eye. Yeah. Look at the spot where the editor of the podcast usually sits.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay? Yeah.

I'm looking.

Now look at the spot. Now look at the spot, but don't look at the spot.

Act like I said something funny.

Like I said something funny.

You're 11 or am I 11?

I don't know what that means. I keep emailing you. I don't know what that means.

And when you drive, do you put your hands at 10 or 2?

Oh, I can't drive.

Oh, okay, great.

Yeah, they say my blood sugar's too low.

I could just go to sleep.

And they say I could never wake up. Wait, I'm looking for where the editor usually sits. Now look at the spot where the guest of the podcast usually sits.

Wait, Casey is running between the two. He's running between the two spots. Hey, Casey. Hey, Casey. I'm gonna confront him.

Hey, Casey. Good idea, good idea.

Oh yeah, just cough right on mic, dude. Smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. Yeah, sorry, what's up? Casey, are you trying to edit and be a guest today? Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to try it out. I figured maybe, you know, like if it was like not a difference for you guys, if it wasn't like a distracting thing in your peripheral vision, then like... Give us a second, we're gonna huddle up. Hey guys, huddle up.

Okay, he's trying to have it all. Look, he's throwing his hat up in the air. And it's freezing.

How is he doing that? That's actually incredible. My city. Do we want to let this happen?

Do we want to let this happen?

Okay, pros and cons.

Pro, he'll probably edit this the best he's ever edited anything to make himself sound good.

Con, we literally can't stop it from happening. Yes. That's a con for us.

Pro. He's funny. He's kind of funny so far.

Coan, he's kind of funny so far. I know. He's going to detract from us and our bullshit.

He's funnier than us. Why don't we do this? He's a fan favorite. Everyone loves him and always wants to hear more from him. Coan, everybody loves him and they're always freaking talking about it all the time.

Why don't we do this? Why don't we do this? Why don't we try just kind of introducing him, see how it goes. We'll do five minutes. We'll see how it goes.

Hey Casey. Hey Casey. We're going to put you on a trial period. Stop running. Sit in the guest chair. We're going to put you on a trial period. So thank you for being a guest. Yeah. GPC, what's the... Yeah, I got this. Okay.

Jerks and germs from all across the worms, please welcome to the show, you know him, you love him, the number one audio daddy, Casey Toney.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Fade that out or just stop it abruptly, whatever you want to do.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, if it isn't Casey Toney, Mr. Ohio.

You know, I may be on mic this time, but I'm just, I'm always talking back even with the mic off. So this is no different. That's true.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you leave the mic on during our sound checks and you laugh and we say, what the fuck? We're not even funny yet. Casey Toney, welcome to Hey Riddle Riddle. It's your first time on the official main feed podcast. What do you have to say for yourself?

Yeah, God, what episode is this?

295?

295! How many episodes did it take your first editor to get on the show? I think it was like 20, 30?

Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, huh? Shut your fucking mouth.

Shut up, Casey. Cut his mic.

Casey, cut his mic. Casey, here's something we ask all of our guests. What is your relationship with Riddle Podcasts? Well, I guess I edit one, so poor. We'll plug at the end actually. I have a literal working relationship with Riddle Podcasts. My relationship with Riddles, I truly can't tell if I'm fonder of them now than I was before. Mm-hmm.

We have that effect on people.

Mm-hmm, but I'm right there along with you guys Like I'm just like riding the waves of the occasional really good riddles and the lots of really bad ones I'm glad that you guys don't do as many bad riddles anymore. Okay, deleting my notes for the episode Fresh I think it's fair to say that listener riddles, whatever riddles we have will be better than blue book shit. Mm-hmm

And Casey, you probably experience more riddles than even our listeners, because not only do you hear all of the riddles from each episode, but you hear the riddles that we kind of just do with each other when we're hanging out in our free time. The before-the-episode riddles, the after-the-episode riddles, the text-thread riddles. We're always like, new riddle for you guys!

Can't get enough.

On our livestream the other day, I was like, should I read some riddles? And JPC went, no!

Well, Casey, I hope that you were having fun in the first five minutes of this podcast because there's not going to be much fun going forward because we have some riddles for you. We have some riddles that we're going to force upon you today. But like you said, I think they're listener submitted, so I think they're going to be some good ones. Let's start with a warm up, shall we? Shall we all start with a warm up?

Let's start with a warm up. I'm ready.

Now, Erin, what did that warm up for you?

My soul.

Okay, well my funny bone is throbbing, so let's get into a riddle from Chad.

No, I could cut that, but I won't.

No, he won't. I am dark and light. I am bitter and sweet. I am hot and cold. What am I?

Just the way I like my coffee.

Wow, Casey got his first riddle correct. Erin, you got it late. Casey got it first. Aww.

Was that really right? Was that true? It is coffee. Yeah, it's coffee. Oh, fuck, man. I was joshing.

The new Casey is getting all the riddles right. He's getting all the attention, and I hate the new Casey. I'm going to my room.

Erin, Erin, you're going to learn to love. JBC, I told you it was too soon to have another host.

Hi, welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you?

Hi, could I have a grande coffee, hot coffee with some maybe cinnamon syrup and a little bit of oat milk, please?

Yeah, okay. And as a special promotion, we're doing the exact same drink but without the coffee for the exact same price. You want to try that? It's decaf.

It's decaf. It's decaf coffee.

Uh, it's decaffeinated inherently. And what else you said you wanted? Oat milk and what was it?

Cinnamon syrup. I would like full caff coffee, please. Thank you.

Okay. Okay. Gotcha.

I have a business meeting in like 20 minutes. I'd love to get it back in time.

All right. So full cup of milk and syrup and coffee. And what was that? You said coffee?

Yeah, I would like a coffee, but not a full cup of- a full cup of oat milk with cinnamon syrup sounds kind of disgusting. Um, I need coffee.

Okay, were you thinking of a latte?

Nope.

Okay.

Not a latte, because I don't want espresso. I want- and I don't want decaf coffee, and I don't want just a cup of milk.

I want hot- Can I be real with you here?

Yeah?

We're out of coffee. We're out of coffee. My boss said to cover for him.

You're Starbucks.

Yeah, I know. I know it's bad.

Um, I'd still like a coffee, though. Can you run across the street to Pete's Coffee and sort of maybe get me something?

Hey, welcome to Pete's Coffee. How can I help you?

Yeah, um, can I get a I think it was a tall cup of oat milk with syrup. And I think that was it.

Yeah, do you so that's just one black coffee, hot black coffee, coffee, coffee, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the coffee, please.

Okay, so just one cup, piping hot, black coffee.

Oh, no, but with the milk and the syrup, you have that.

Oh, yeah, we're actually running a special right now where we're doing all that goes into a normal, you know, coffee, milk, syrup. But what we're doing is we're replacing the milk and the syrup with just coffee.

Hi, welcome to Dunkin Donuts. What can I get for you?

Hey, so I'm being held at gunpoint right now across the street, and I need $100.

Yeah, I would never cover for my boss like that.

Wow, Casey, you really put all of your customer service skills on display, fully on display there.

Yeah, man, it's been a long time. I have not only lost my customer service skills, I've lost my social skills entirely.

Same.

Just going to a Starbucks and be like, hey, I'll have a cup of coffee. I have my hands in the air just so you can see my hands the whole time. No funny business.

I don't want any trouble.

Coffee. Okay, so we have another riddle. This is, again, I think kind of a warm-up riddle, and by that I mean probably what we've done before. But these are all from 2018, so get off my back! From Max and Ellie. I believe it's Ellie. They write, My nose is long, my back is broad and round, and in cold weather, of great use I'm found. No load I carry, yet I puff and blow, as much as heavy-loaded porters do. What am I? Cigarette. Snowblower. Cigarette snowblower.

Cigarettes and snow blowers and something.

Oh, I didn't know we had Rufus Wainwright on the podcast.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk? That's a kid. A kid is smoking. If it's not cigarettes or snow blowers or whatever that was, is this an elephant? Are we testing my elephant knowledge right now?

Alright, now give us some elephant knowledge, please. Are elephants good in cold weather?

They do okay. I mean, at the zoo, they stay mostly inside. Look, that's the thing. I do okay in cold weather. The polar bears will be out in the summer at the zoo. These are animals built for cold. They just lose a lot of weight and shed a lot of fur and then, you know, stay in the cold water a lot. Yeah, sun's out, guns out. Same thing for the elephants. They'll spend a lot of time, like, back in the, you know, their private area indoors, but they can come out in the cold. I mean, didn't Hannibal bring an army of elephants over the snow-covered mountains to fight a battle? Thank you, Adal. I'm always saying that. My nose is long, my back is broad and round, and in cold weather of great use I'm found. No load I carry, yet I puff and blow as much as heavy-loaded porters do.

I think long nose and puff and blow, you're getting closer with fireplace. We're in the neighborhood. Is it a flamethrower? Nope, we're out of the neighborhood. The fireplace neighborhood, it does, the flamethrower's not even on the same block.

Chimney. Do you guys ever see the Mr. Rogers where he pulls out a flamethrower? Yeah, that was the last episode, right?

He puts on his sweater, takes off his shoes, and he takes out a flamethrower.

He takes off his sweater, he puts more paint underneath his eyes. Radiator?

Just takes a flamethrower to all the puppets.

This would be something that would be, um, you would need with, like, a fireplace. Maybe not need, but... Oh, that, like, thing that's like... A flute. Erin? Erin?

Do you know what that thing is called?

No!

Oh, oh, a, uh, oh, oh, oh, God, what did, what is it?

It's so funny.

It's, like, a cute little, like... It is so funny.

It's like a little accordion that farts air.

Yeah, what is it?

It's so cute. What is it called?

It's...

Hey Riddle I'd like to see a scene. You are all in sort of a like Victorian house and Adal, you are their housekeeper or butler who's sort of bellowing the fireplace to keep the Lord and Lady warm, played by Casey and JPC.

Okay.

Okay.

Madame, Monsieur, the fire is ready. Please, if I may escort you to the Today we're Uh, waists and neck, and some hot cocoa. Enough with your handsiness, Chauncey. Please, warm the room. No, I did. I did. And here's some hot cocoa. And now I shall, um, okay, now I'd like to match and hold it under your feet so you both, uh, aim. Finally. Now dip our fingers in the hot cocoa, please, Chauncey. Yes, of course. Okay. And here we go. Thumb first, sir.

Thumb first, what are we? What are we, poors? Of course, of course. Pinky first, old man.

Pinky first. Yes, of course, pinky first. Here we go. Pinky for madam.

Yes, and watch all of my jewelry. Yes, of course. I wouldn't want to dip my jewelry in the cocoa.

Then be sure to dip my living hand, not my dead one, Chauncey. Oh sir, please tell me the story of how you lost it.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Ah yes, the piano. Play the piano, John. The story's become a song.

Got my fingers stuck in the keys. Oh, it's such a dreadful tale. He was trying to play piano, never practiced at all, got his hand stuck in the keys, smashed out on it hard.

I didn't know you weren't supposed to put your hand in there and smash it intentionally.

Very good, sir. We blamed you for that, John, so you didn't tell us.

Of course, and I self-flagellated, um, for a minute.

Oh, is that what that horrible smell is, Chauncey? I have, ah, any time I stoke a fire, I have unbelievable flagellants. You shouldn't be eating your lord's cheese, Chauncey. Oh yes, I'm, uh... You get one ration of butter, one ration of bread, and that is enough for you and whatever family you may or may not have.

Yes, of course. Can I ask the two of you- Sir! Well, of course, he was addressing me, my dear, as you know.

Oh, sure. How dare you address the lady of the house, Chauncey. My apologies, my apologies.

Can I go?

Yes, you can go fetch us some hotter cocoa in bigger matches. We're practically freezing in here. Yes, of course. I'll be right back. Chauncey? Yes? Do you like your job?

What's up?

Yay, I loved that. I could do a whole Patreon of that, those three.

Every butler gets their two rations of butter and grain or whatever, and then they get to fuck the magician once a year. There's two sayings I know in life. Two sayings I know in life. Every dog has its day, and every butler gets its two rations and fucked by the local magician. And we all know those phrases. Those are known. Yeah, of course.

It's kind of like how a barber was a doctor back then. A magician was also somebody who would come and fuck a butler. The Tom Fuck. Yeah.

Every job was kind of two things.

And there used to be the phrase, fuck a butler, of course. That was literal at the time, but now it means something else, of course.

Adal, you're so smart. I love all the cool stuff you know.

Thank you. It's incredible. For somebody who doesn't know how to use Google, this is really like... Oh, got him.

Got him.

Got him.

Well, I just graduated from wizard school, so I'm excited to get to town and start doing some magic. Great. Here's your castle. Here's where you'll be sleeping. Here's all the butlers. They're very horny. It's been a while since we've had a magician in town.

Work your magic.

Okay, we got some riddles. These are riddles from Frida. Frida wrote these riddles. Frida wrote these riddles.

Okay.

Them own damn self. Where fingers walk, Erin, you used to participate in those strongman contests where you would get up on stage all oiled up and you would try to tear a quilt in half, right?

And I never could, and I'd get booed off the stage, and I'd go, fuck you!

Fuck you, you come up, you try to tear it, and the next guy would come up and tear the quilt. And you'd say, I loosened it up! We all saw I loosened up the fibers!

Always run a quilt underwater. You know, it was like Little Monkey with the Symbols kind of thing. Can you say that riddle again?

Casey, you are truly one of us. I can say with authority that that is the exact same experience that all three of us have when one of the other ones is reading a riddle. I literally am like, oh, you can only see the whites of my eyes.

Casey, that's our secret. We're always checked out.

Sorry, I'm just practicing my monologue for an audition tomorrow.

If Adal, if you repeated that whole riddle back to me, I would be so shocked to my fucking core. Well, buckle in, bitch.

Where fingers talk and numbers walk. A golden face that has great lace. Who am I? Three, six, nine. Another day, another destiny. This never-ending road to Calgary.

We zoom out and it's a mintat and their eyes are rolled back.

Fresh goes mintat. Fresh goes mintat.

Where fingers walk and numbers talk upon a field of gold. Hard to tear, I aim to share, the way to those who called. The way to those you called. What am I?

This is tough.

This is tough.

Upon a field of gold. Calculator?

Hard to tear, I aim to share, the way to those you called.

It's like the golden ratio or something. Is this?

No, it is not the golden ratio. That's not really close, but There's a word in there that's close to another word that's the answer. I don't know if that's a good hint. In golden ratio? In golden ratio, yes. Is it a rake? No. I will say, I think these are of a bygone era, but we all grew up in a time where these, I think, were things that we were familiar with and probably used. But no more. I don't think you would even find one of these anymore.

What's your favorite phone?

And upon a field of gold is a good, because part of this, if you can get ... It's not gold, but it's close to gold.

Yellow. Yellow.

Silver? Yellow.

No, you got it. It's yellow.

So you said it's in the same room as the telephone? The same area of the house as the telephone?

Where fingers walk and numbers talk upon a field of gold. Hard to tear. I aim to share. Phone book. It's a fucking phone book.

Oh, phone book. I don't care.

I don't care. Welcome to the show.

We're gonna see a scene, Adal, you and Casey are going to be, in case you're gonna be like the announcers at one of these strongman competitions.

Sure.

Erin, you're a person who's trying to prove something to yourself, and you're trying to tear a phone book in half.

Incredible.

Coming up next to the stage, all the way from Dallas, Texas, we have Mrs. Buff Orvington. Tommy, what do you know about Mrs. Buff Orvington? Well, Dick, I got a good feeling about Mrs. Buff. But, unfortunately, I left my car running outside, so we really gotta just push through. That's right. And is it true that anytime you have a sense that someone's gonna do really well, your knee starts to swell? It's sort of like a weather situation. Is that right? Yes, and then also my teeth start to bleed, and my eyes hurt, and my ears ring, and dear God, I need to go to the doctor. Yeah, I don't think you're prescient. I think you are incredibly malnourished. Please welcome to the stage, Mrs. Buff Orvington. Okay, Buff, you got this.

This is all you have left, okay?

Just do this. Just do it.

Just tear it. Speaking of swollen knees, hers are rattling like the dickens. And I have to say, it's incredibly strong of someone to be vulnerable and show fear. She was clearly pumping herself up. That's gonna be—oh, ten points from the judges for that.

Ow! Ow!

Today we're Okay, now hold on. Oh, and it looks like they have her phone tapped so we can hear the other end, alright.

Truly the strongest woman I've ever seen. The judges are enraptured. It hurts.

Look, you can't keep calling me, okay? I'm with the Queen now.

Please don't. Take it back!

Okay, and Tommy, it looks like she's about to flex. She's about to flex on her ex. Let's see what her flex is.

Can you see my muscles through the phone?

Oh, it's a literal flex scene.

I think we got an episode title. Can you see my muscles through the phone? Can you see my muscles through the phone? Can you see my muscles through the phone? Okay, you guys did an absolute dog shit job with that riddle, but we have one more from Frida before we take a break. So maybe their second riddle will be something that you guys are capable of. Please. Riddle number two.

Riddle number two, I'm typing.

Up against the sky, a metal bed is raised up high, planted as a buttercup, above which is a rose. Last in line is a nettle green, not one of which grows. Their heads are round, and bloom and turn, spectators hate the rose. Yet, strangely, for the nettle, yearn.

Oh my God, this is so hard.

Is this like gardening porn? What is this shit? That's not a riddle. Is it berries? Is it cherries? I do think Freda said that when they sent the email that they wrote their own riddles and they were like, none of my friends like them.

Okay, here's what I typed. This is... Oh yeah, Casey, you're dictating this now.

I forgot.

Up against sky, metal bed raised high, Planted buttercup, rose, last in line, nettle green, not grow, heads round, spectators hate rose, something something. Did I get the, like, do I have the core? Do I have everything I need to solve this riddle?

I think you almost have everything that you need. That's so funny, Casey.

You're a lot.

Up against the sky, a metal bed is raised up high. Planted is a buttercup, above which is a rose, last in line is nettle green. None of which gross, their heads are round, and bloom in turn. Spectators hate the Rose, yet strangely for the nettle yearn.

Adal is getting close to a defamation lawsuit. He played for the Cincinnati Reds. Cincinnati Reds.

Okay.

Nettle green.

You're closer with red than you were with Pete Rose.

Okay. So I'm just thinking of like, I'm trying to think of analogies for the nettle green and stuff.

Yes.

Because everybody is like enjoying hurting themselves. Because nettle green or a nettle like, you touch it and it stings really bad, right? Isn't that the deal with nettles?

There's stinging nettles. But that's not important for this.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. All right. I'm going to just dump my brain.

But you are, you said like, you said analogy, and I think analogy is a metaphor. This is metaphor. Metaphor. Metaphor. Yeah. Yes.

And this is a bed built outside?

It's a, the metal bed is raised up high. Metal bed raised up high. I will say it's not a bed of flowers.

Is it? Okay.

The flowers are a metaphor.

This is organic or manmade?

Man-made, for sure man-made.

I guess if it's metal, yeah. This is something outside or a man-made object outside. Yes, like a building. Not a building. A bridge? Green and rose.

It's not a bridge.

Satellite?

So, metal, buttercup, and rose.

That would be green, yellow, red. Oh, yeah.

Oh, a stop light.

Yes, this is a traffic light.

Oh, this is a good riddle.

Spectators hate the rose, yet strangely for the nettle, yearn. I like this Riddle. This is fun.

You know what? I like the rose because I like a quiet moment of contemplation at a red light. Maybe I'm just built different.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'd like to see a scene. Yeah, please. You guys are a stoplight. JPC, you are red. Casey, you are green. And Adal, you are yellow.

Hey, what if after me, we just do yellow? What if we go from red to yellow?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down. What are we doing?

I'm Lucy Goosey, baby. Whatever you guys say goes, you notice it? I mean, I'm always the one putting an absolute stop to everyone's ideas, okay? I'm always the one saying, no, we can't do that, we can't do that, we can't do that. Just once, I want to be the one who says yes, and we just, maybe the order's random. Maybe we go from yellow back to red. Maybe we just do yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red, yellow, yellow, red for a while, huh?

Uh, okay, um, I, oh, I think, um, uh, am I taking too long? I should go, I should go. Uh, somebody else talk. How about this? How about I just turn... I'll talk to the guy across perpendicular to us, across the way. We all go green for a while. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Red, red, red. And we see what happens, and then you can have as much yellow and red as you want after that. Hey Red, hey Red, hey Red. Hey Red. What? What? Did you hear what he said? Perpendicular? Yeah, I guess that... Where did he learn that word? Has he been going to school?

None of us have been going anywhere, okay? Yellow, you're overreacting. We're all here. We're all here, and we're all doing our best, okay? Okay. Why don't you just calm down? Just stop, okay? Hey, I couldn't help but mention, uh, hear my name mentioned, I'm green from the other side of the light. Uh, I wouldn't mind if we just did it all green, if that's something everybody's interested in doing. I would not mind at all.

Right? Why not mingle a bit, you know? Get it going.

Next on the 6 p.m. News, there has been absolute mayhem in the city today. The traffic lights seem to have a mind of their own and they're all green. Several hundreds of accidents have happened. Let's go to Derek Waters with the traffic. Derek, what's going on out there?

Thank you so much, Diane. I am here. My name is Derek Waters. My handle on Instagram is at Derek Waters.

You know what you get? You get a little break.

We get a little break, a little relief.

And when we come back, not only will we have more riddles, but we will have the real reason why Casey Toney has graced us on the podcast today. This is a mid-episode tease for the plugs that come at the end of the episode.

This is insane.

Adal and JPC, thank you for hopping on this Zoom. I just feel like we haven't had any like real talk where we're cutting to the chase in a long time. And I just really wanted to like have a real talk with you guys.

Cut it, chase it. If we're talking real, little tidbit I picked up, 52% of men over 40 experience some form of ED between the ages of 40 and 70.

So I know this is what I'm talking about. Yes.

Yeah, thankfully I found a solution, found it on my own. HIMSS, have you heard of HIMSS? HIMSS is changing that, changing the ED issue by providing affordable access to ED treatments like sex chews all online. I saw that actually by watching Mr. ED, if you've seen that program from the 60s.

Erin, as long as we're being friggin' real, I mean, why didn't I get real? Who doesn't want to have better sex? But if you have ED, you may be struggling and dragging your feet on solving the problem. Don't put off having a better sex life any longer. Check out HIMSS Sex Chews and bring a new level of excitement and confidence to your sex life, if we're being real.

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Erin, I know we're just talking here, okay? We're just kind of spitballing. Nobody's reading off a script. But what I'm talking about is that there's no insurance needed, baby. You pay one low price for your treatments, online visits, ongoing shipments, and provider messaging.

Erin, thank you so much for putting this together so that Adal and I could talk to you about ED. This is so nice of you.

Yeah, so nice. I'm happy that we're all going to that EDM festival for erectile dysfunctional men. Actually, we should sell our tickets because now we have HIMS. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash Riddle. That's H-I-M-S.com slash Riddle for your personalized ED treatment options. HIMS.com slash Riddle. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on the product and subscription plan. Hey Erin and JPC. It's me, Donny DNA, here to tell you about Helix. Helix mattresses? Donny DNA.

God, you're so familiar. Have we seen you in an ad before, Donny DNA?

Well, no. I used to work at the museum. I'm a double helix. Then I got fired. But I am now supporting helix mattresses.

Okay, I'm very happy for you. I absolutely love my helix mattress. I have the Midnight Luxe, and it is the best sleep of my life.

And I heard about their Second Chance mascot program and I'm really glad that they gave you another shot, Donnie.

Thank you so much! And I recommend getting two Helix Sleep Mattresses and stacking them on top of each other. A double Helix!

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Wait a second, wait a second. I'm seeing that Donnie DNA's got these two mattresses stacked together and I'm lifting up a mattress and Donnie, there's dinosaur bones in between these.

Donnie!

So let me get this straight. You're Adal and you're Erin, is that correct? Uh, close enough. I'm Adal and that's Erin. Ah, I'm sorry. The henchman union just sends one email when I get some new henchmen. Thanks for filling in on short notice. This is my spaceship. Welcome. How was the flight up?

Uh, bumpy.

So basically what we're going to be doing here is we're going to be shooting a rocket full of money at America, and that is part of my evil plan.

Oh my gosh, you know what that makes me think of? My favorite app.

Oh, Rocket Money.

Oh my god, I don't stop talking about it. I love Rocket Money. It's a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. I was doing my taxes the other day. First things first, I opened my Rocket Money app and it helped me keep track of all of the spending I did in the last year.

Wait, what's this now? It's Rocket Money. I mean, truly the evilest thing on earth is paying for subscriptions you don't know about or don't need or want. That's true evil. Yes! And Rocket Money helps eliminate that.

That's why I'm doing this whole thing. I built the rocket full of money because I haven't been paying my subscriptions, and I was like, you want some money, how about I shoot it at you via a rocket from space. But there's an app, you say?

Uh-huh. And they will even try to negotiate lowering your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is submit a picture of your bill, and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. They'll deal with the customer service for you. Isn't that amazing?

Okay, this sounds exclusive. This isn't just, this isn't for me, right? Is it?

Uh-uh.

Only a select few can obviously use a service this powerful? No, this is for everybody. Actually, Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in cancelled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. I mean, I didn't realize I was paying for the Tom Arnold, uh, Arnold of the Month Club subscription.

Yes, that's one of mine. I actually still want that one. It's very good.

What is an Arnold of the month?

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle.

Can I tell you the worst part? What's that?

What?

I built this whole spaceship. I built the rocket to fill it with money. I don't even have a name.

Awwwww.

Dr. Chameleon, is that taken?

That could work.

Okay, and we have turned all the lights green for this episode. We have some riddles here from Diego Rivera. Looks like these are mostly murals. Okay, we also have some plugs coming in the other direction.

I'm wrestling control of the podcast back from you freaks, because I have I'm tearing the phone books off of your arms. I have some riddles here from Samira. Samira has two riddles. The first one is this. Once upon a time, in the Westlake Village, a servant lived with his master. After service of about 30 years, his master became ill and was going to die. One day, the master called his servant and asked him for a wish. It could be any wish, but just one. Fuck the local magician? Oh, sorry. Is it that? He asked him to fuck the butler. He begrudgingly agreed, because they have to. One day the master called a servant and asked him for a wish. It could be any wish but just one. The master gave him one day to think about it. The servant became very happy and went to his mother for discussion about the wish. His mother was blind and asked her son for making a wish of her eyesight to come back. When the servant went to his wife, she became very excited and asked for a son as they were childless for many years. After that, the servant went to his father, who wanted to be rich, and so he asked his son to wish for a lot of money. The next day, he went to his master and made one wish through which all three – mother, father, wife – got what they wanted. What did the servant… Easy.

More wishes. Easy, more wishes.

He said, he said, I need a couple of wishes, baby.

Is it he wished for his mother to see his golden son? So his son was... Oh God, this boy is made of gold. Hey, weirder things have happened in stories.

I do want to see a scene. You're so close, Adal, but I do want to see a scene. Adal, you are a doctor. Casey and Erin, you have just given birth. And Adal, you as the doctor, it has to break the news that the baby is made entirely of gold.

Ooh, sorry I was back in that room for a while.

No problem. I'm just enjoying sushi for the first time in nine months.

We have sushi at the hospital?

No, my husband went out and got it for me.

Oh, wow. Is that sugar? You're sort of reaching for it. Sorry, what are you doing? Sugarfish? Huh? I'm just grabbing some.

No, sorry. I'm so hungry. I just gave birth.

Please. Legally, I can do this. I'm a doctor. Oh wow. That is delicious. You grabbed it with your hands and like kind of crushed it. He's still wearing bloody gloves. Amberjack. Amberjack. So I have some good news and some bad news. I'll let you two... Classically I'll let the two of you decide which goes first.

Honey, what do you think?

I feel like we should leave that to the professional. I mean, what degree of good and bad news are we talking, doctor? Is our baby okay? That's a good point. Usually just somebody shouts out whatever. Here's the good news. The two of you are incredibly wealthy.

Oh, no, not really.

Yeah no this is like not high class sushi. I got to say that.

And he got laid off like two months ago or sort of.

And you're eating sushi for dinner. I think you need a financial planner. My wife just gave birth man. I don't know what to tell you.

It's my favorite food and I just gave birth haven't had it for nine months.

I mean yeah here and there a little treat and it all adds up and suddenly you're back living with your parents. The bad news is your child is made entirely. How do I say this?

What?

Made entirely of, well there's no other way to say it. Your baby's made of gold. You know when you pushed, you know how you came in and you were crawling on the floor? You know, ma'am, you know how you came in crawling on the floor? You said I have heavy belly? Typically pregnant women don't have to crawl on the floor like that. So what it was is you had 112 pounds of baby inside of you. It's entirely made of gold. We did

My husband is a descendant of King Midas. We thought that there's a possibility of this happening, but our OBGYN said there's only like one in 10,000.

I mean, it's supposed to skip a generation. All the nurses are fighting over the umbilical cord. Someone's going home with a lot of money. So we're going to, we thought, I don't know if we, if we can display this in the hospital as like a fun thing of like, here's a little... Like a trophy? Your words, not mine. Sir. Doctor. My father is a golden statue, okay? Oh. He's not something to display. Oh.

Yeah, we have the resources to have them live a normal life. Like, yes, I see.

Pardon me. Pardon me, doctor. Pardon me, doctor. I usually I usually wait a few days. I'm another doctor, another surgeon here at the hospital. Are you too interested in circumcision? Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. I do work here.

Why are you doing air quotes?

Well, when your job is circumcising babies, you really never work a day in your life, you know what I'm saying?

That's a janitor's outfit.

I'm just glad that guy didn't say his typical intro line, which is 20% off. I find that tasteless. I find it tasteless. Anyway, can we display your baby? Adal, you're so close, but it's not a golden sun.

We're in the middle of a riddle?

I'm not even fucking kidding. We're what? We're in the fucking what?

Was our riddle about like a golden baby? What was his wish for his mom? I have a sense of like, if he says, I wish my mom could see my blank baby. Hey Riddle the show.

There's so many possibilities. It doesn't matter which one it is, but the only thing that does matter is it's not she wants to see her golden child. That's one of the doesn't work.

My golden baby boy.

You just have to give me a guess that does work. Let me throw him in the air. Hernia. I will say that the answer that Samira gave to this one doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense to me, but you have it. You basically get the riddle. The way that it is worded here is, he says, my mother wants to see her grandson swinging on a swing of gold. So I was very close. Very close. He got it. Well no, you could have said literally anything except he wants to turn the baby into gold. He got it.

My mom gets to see my baby shitting out diamonds.

I like how in that instance it's like the baby needs to go through something very uncomfortable because we're making a lot of money. A swing of gold though, come on. I mean honestly, is that gonna make you rich? One gold swing?

And you walk through strings of gold Earlier, I kind of dodged the relationship with Riddle's question, but I'll be honest, answers like this to a riddle, no disrespect to the Riddle writer, but these are the ones that frustrate me the most because it's so fucking specific that there's like no, there are a million different, like the answer should be a swing of gold or, you know, something like that. Because truly getting that specific thing, I guess we're supposed to ask questions or whatever and suss that out, but that's, yeah, whatever.

My mother wants to see her grandson getting a bunch of Bitcoin keys from like 2010. Early crypto, but early crypto. Okay, here's another riddle here from Samira. A Japanese ship captain was en route in the open sea. The captain went in for a shower, removing his expensive jewelry on the table. When he returned, his valuables were missing. The captain immediately called the four suspected crew members and asked each one where and what he was doing for the last 15 minutes. The cook in a heavy overcoat said, I was getting meat from the freezer. The engineer with a torch in his hand said, I was working on the generator engine. The first mate said, I was on the mast correcting the flag which was upside down by accident. The radio officer said, I was messaging the company that we were reaching the next port in 72 hours. The captain immediately caught the liar. Who was the thief?

Radio messenger, most annoying voice.

You can just tell that guy steals with the voice he has. Get him off the ship.

By that logic, I would get in trouble for all of our stuff because I got the most annoying voice of the four of us.

That's not fair. Yeah, the captain is Min on Reddit.

Which is my favorite Duran Duran song.

Can you read them again?

I know the answer.

Should I say it or should I not?

No, no, no. Let me try to get it. All right.

Cook was getting meat from the freezer. Engineer was working with a generator. First Mate was on the mast correcting the flag, which was upside down by accident. And the radio officer was messaging the company that they were reaching the port in 72 hours.

And what are we trying to catch? What lie are we trying to catch?

Who lied? The captain immediately knows who stole the valuables. But how do they know? Because one person is lying and it's pretty obvious. And Adal even knows it.

I know it.

And Adal even knows it.

Adal even knows it. And here's, I'll give you guys, this isn't, well it's kind of a hint. I'll tell you who did it and then you guys can figure out why they did it. So, who was the third person? What was their title? The first mate. He was on the mast, correcting the flag, which was upside down by accident. And this is the Japanese Captain. It's a pretty bad excuse from that guy. I think I'm turning Japanese flags. I think I'm turning Japanese flags.

He's a first mate on a Japanese ship and he's like, uh, the flag doesn't go the same way. What a dumbass. What an absolute dumbass. I'm overboard. Yeah, they're Japanese. The flag cannot be flown upside down because of their customs. And we respect their customs.

I do want to see a scene. Yes. We're going to say, Erin, you are the captain of a ship.

Thank you.

That's it. And JBC and Casey, you two are hired hands and you're both vying for first mate. This is Erin's captain kind of holding auditions for first mate.

So, whoa, what's this? Two breakfasts in bed? What is this?

Well, we just, we just thought, uh, Captain, you know, you were up late, uh, doing shipley duties, and we thought, why not give you some waffles in bed, you know? Also eggs in bed.

One plate is sweet from you, Higgins, and one plate is savory from you, Wiggins. Guess I'll take a little bit from each, sort of start with the savory, go to the sweet,

Hey, I didn't think they'd do that. Ooh, ah, first.

First plate over here. Yes, that has a nice ring to it when you say Wiggins, doesn't it? First plate Wiggins.

Eh, I don't know about that. Best plate, that really would be the first plate on the pile, whoever did it best. Captain, by the way, you look like you would love... Welcome back. Well, we're about as far away from the dock as we can get, Captain, because we're out on sea. But if you want to see a dock, I can navigate the ship. I know all about ship navigation.

Captain, I could also navigate the ship. I know a great dock to go to.

I see what's happening here. You both are vying to be first mate. Well, there's only one real way to do this. Push-up contest.

I have to do push-ups with this dead arm?

And I have to do push-ups with these dead legs? Wait a second. Wiggins, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Higgins, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, I think everybody ended up pretty much dead on that ship, right?

The captain can't do anything without someone bringing him breakfast.

Okay, it would be an absolute goddamn motherfucking absolute shame to have Casey on this podcast. without doing some horny riddles. So Heather has sent in some horny riddles.

Thank you, Heather.

Are you ready? We're gonna run this baby out with some horny ones.

Finally, some good fucking food.

So here we go. What can you find in a man's pants that you likely won't in a woman's dress?

Wallet. Pockets.

Erin, it's pockets. Wow. Okay, okay. Yeah, it's fucked up. A penis. It's fucked up that they don't make dresses with pockets. Erin, have you ever sewed a pocket into a piece of clothes that you have?

No, I did have, um, uh, when I got a, like, not myself, I had a tailor sew pockets into a dress that I bought.

And it was really nice.

But the packets were super shallow, so they didn't really have the effect that I wanted. I'm glad I gave it a shot.

I'm

Today we're This is an easy fix, right? The whole bottom line is there, just sew the line. I don't know how she did it, but whatever she did, she did it so that I could get like four or like two knuckles into the pocket, but nothing else. My front pocket was this tiny little mini pocket, but I would always forget, so I'd always like try to put stuff in it. It was awful. I ended up having to just like get rid of those pants because I was like, I can't have a little mini pocket. I can't live like this. And I fucking berated my grandma for that. You have no idea. You've never seen a child yell as loud. Okay, here's the next one. Next horny riddle from Heather. What starts with B and ends with anal? Birthday. Banal. Well, banal works, but it's not banal. I do love banal. I don't like pronouncing it banal.

That is really funny that the riddle is literally, it just is like, what starts with C and ends in Christmas?

It's just the word Christmas. Adal, what do you mean birthday? Yeah, it's your birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's your birthday. Yeah.

Yeah, Adal, sorry, come to the front of the class and speak up.

Thanks for watching.

I see what it is.

You have sex in the butt, but I was born in it. Banal. It's banal. Gotham. It's banal.

All right, I will allow a little bit of time on the podcast for everyone to do Bane with butt stuff. If you want to do it, you can.

Yay. Butt stuff Bane. Mm-hmm. Butt stuff Bane.

Gotham. Use protection. Gotham.

Okay, and now I'll do banal. Okay.

Let's just say I didn't only break Batman's back. I've blown out- Hold on. Casey, I'm doing banal right now. That was exactly what I was gonna do.

And I'm here too.

Captain, we came up with good ones too, Captain. I've blown out a lot of backs. Whatever you do, don't fall in love with me. If you're a bird, then I'm a bird. We're both birds.

All right, I hate to do this. I have to give points. Erin wins that one.

Oh, no, but I didn't even come up with it. It's Adal's.

No, give it to Erin.

Is it Bacchanal?

Oh, a Bacchanal.

Bacchanal.

The word that you're looking for doesn't actually end in anal, but conceptually, this ends anally, I would say. Not really, this one's kind of a stretch. Ooh, poor choice of words.

Sphincter? Okay, and it's not just butt because the answer is always deceptively not horny.

You want me to give it to you? I'll give it to you. It's breakfast. Breakfast. Because it starts with a B and then you poop at the end. Now, I would argue, you don't absolutely poop at the very end of breakfast. That's not like my first thing that I think of, like, breakfast is over, time to get to pooping.

Also, can I just say, can I just say, listeners, I beg of you, I implore you, please, if you need to go poop, don't call it anal. Don't say I gotta run to the bathroom for some anal because I just had breakfast. Please let's not do that this also this also like insinuates that like like or implies that Breakfast doesn't end until you shit it out. Yeah, and you're not shitting out your breakfast I mean like you will shit, but you won't shit out that breakfast for like what a day You know by the time it makes it through your digestive system And we will be posting the link to Casey's blog where he talks all about

How long it takes to process breakfast. Alright, well we have to move on. Remember, these are very horny riddles. You tie me down to get me up. You stick your pole inside me. I always get wet before you do. What am I? Tent. Umbrella tent. It's a tent. It is a tent. It is a tent. I like that. Pitching a tent. Still horny. Horny riddles. What starts with P and ends in O-R-N?

Welcome to Bainfully! Welcome to Bainfully! This is Bain of Good Bainfully!

That's Bain as a waiter. That's Bain working at a Maggiano's.

Have you tried the tilapia?

And you know, sometimes people give up on our episode at like the 40-minute mark, and they always miss out because this is the type of shit that happens towards the end of the episode. Did everyone leave room for Tiramisu? Yay! I love it, I love it, I love it.

I have a stiff shaft, and my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver. What am I? Pin. A quill.

Arrow.

An arrow! Casey got it, it's an arrow.

Everyone knows that honeybees produce honey, but which type of bees produce milk?

This one is very horny.

Boobies. It's boobies!

How does it feel?

I was born for this moment.

And this moment alone. That was kind of a misdirect on the boobies, but a pun, a joke, a riddle, all in one. Thank you so much, Heather, for submitting those horny riddles. That's great, Heather. I think we're all sufficiently all horned up at this point, which means We can get to some plugs.

Oh yeah, we always have to be horny for plugs.

Oh, GBC, do they have to be butt plugs?

Is that what we're doing?

Oh man, now they have to be butt plugs. Casey and I can go last, so Erin, is there anything that you have to plug?

Sure, sitcom D&D season 5 is out now. We've been laughing a lot in these recordings. I think it's worth checking out. If you haven't given the show a shot, you can jump in right at season 5. It's a pretty good reset or you can start from the beginning. Adal, do you have anything to plug?

I don't, but Bain, did you have something to plug?

Yes! The Marcianos on 42nd and 3rd is having a holiday special! So bring your family to Marcianos! Marcianos! Like Olive Garden, but better!

What if they sent us a check for $40 after hearing this?

Casey, do you have anything to brag? Some crayons for the kids?

Hey Riddle Riddle was in an unenviable position.

It was like the beginning of the pandemic where We normally record, we have a Patreon episode that releases on Friday and for whatever reason that week we just were not able to meet and we did not have a Patreon episode ready for Friday. It was the only time I think it's ever happened where we just didn't have something that could go out. So I had an idea for something that I pitched to Casey as kind of like a placeholder.

It ended up being like 45 minutes, so it's not- And the edit ended up being way, way longer than any fucking Hey Riddle Riddle. I mean, other than like one of the special episodes, like any clue crew would have been such an easy edit. But we're like, yeah, we got it. We just got to get this out. Let's get this out.

We're like, let's get this out. And then Casey stayed up for 20 hours. It's a This time we have three brand new meditations that I think that you guys will really love. Maybe. It's about 45-ish minutes, I think, all together. Maybe around there. They're a little tighter than the last one, which was, you know, one meditation that was like 40 minutes. Casey, do you have anything that you would like to say about these?

Listener, let me tell you, these may be tighter, but they are mightier. They are mighty edits, mighty journeys packed with crazy sound design. They're also fightier because they've got like several different fight scenes of various forms. I think I've spent probably three times as long on This same length of audio, roughly, as the one that we originally did, if that gives you any idea, they are just their journeys to behold. Each one, I think the ideas that JPC has gotten out here are incredible, and I had so much fun just going buckwild, letting it all hang out, and creating truly unforgettable sonic experiences for these.

They all sound excellent. Casey did an absolutely amazing job making these very, very immersive. So if you are a fan of what Casey does, especially on some of our Patreon episodes and making the audio world very immersive, I think you're going to like these guided meditations.

And they may even bring you inner peace and enlightenment. How about that?

These are, I would say, not meant to relax you, but if you choose to use them in that way, then they're guided meditations that I made. So do with that information what you will.

There are some sickos out there who will fall asleep to this.

I think you could fall asleep to these. We are releasing these all on our Patreon digital store. So starting today. You can either go to the link in the episode description of this episode, or you can go to patreon.com, search Hey Riddle Riddle, click the store tab, and then buy the digital download. It is $5.99 and you get all four of the guided meditations. Oh, and if you're buying the meditations or doing anything on Patreon, do not do it through iOS. It adds a 30% upcharge if you do it through iOS. So go on the browser, go to the Patreon website, do not buy it through iOS or the app.

I can't wait to listen to them. I'm a huge fan of the first one. It made me laugh out loud. So I'm in. Fuck.

Yeah. Oh, and stay tuned for after the episode because we have a little teaser trailer for the guided meditations that Casey and I put together. We hope you enjoy.

And JPC, are any of the meditations done in the Bain voice?

So if people like these and people enjoy them, we will be doing a volume two. And then maybe I can talk to my friend Marciano's Bain.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hello there, I'm JPC, a certified relaxation expert, and I, with my colleague and doctor of sleep on medicine, Casey Toney, want to introduce you to our series of guided meditations. So if you've ever felt stress, anxiety, Casey, what's going on?

Yeah, sorry JPC. Looks like the backing audio crashed. It looks like... Huh, that's weird. It's gone.

Gone? Do we have another track that we can use?

Well, I got this wacky cartoon sound effects pack.

So come with us on a journey of discovery, deep reflection, inner peace, solitude, tranquility, calmification, quietude, and harmony. If that sounds like something you need, go to patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle and purchase volume 1 of our guided meditations. Hey there powers and rubs, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We take you to a literary conference. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast.