Which Riddle Riddle?

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Adal, thank you for coming in. JPC was called to me, the principal's office, again. And I know it's your third time coming in this week since he's gotten in trouble, but if you wanted to come in my office and take a seat. JPC is in here with me.

I can promise you what I'll do at home is going to be way more severe and good than what you would do to him here. Does that make sense? I'm basically asking you don't punish him and I'll take care of that.

Okay, well, come on in and we'll discuss what happened and we can talk about punishments moving forward. JPC, do you want to tell your Adal what you did?

Adal, this is an intervention. We got you, motherfucker. Fuck. You watch too much TV!

Adal, of course I'm not a principal at a school, and JPC isn't your kid. How did you fall for this? You closed it way too easily.

Wait, is this like a Blazing Saddles situation? Is this just the facade of the front of a school?

Yeah, knock it over.

Also, nice try referencing another TV show at your TV intervention. It's a movie. It's a what?

And is this like a Three Amigos situation where everyone around here is dressed in the same bespoke sewn outfit?

Yeah, try to knock it over.

Whoa, my clothes! He knocked my clothes right off! Sorry about that. Oh, but if this is not a real school, then Why is it that we have Superintendent Jordan Morris joining us?

Alright everybody, back to school. Enough dilly-dallying. I'm the superintendent and you look like layabouts. Next thing you know, you're gonna break out cigarettes and start smoking. Everybody back to class. Superintendent's rules. Incredible voice.

Wait, is he saying superintendent's rule? We're back. Jordan, thank you so much for being here, superintendent or otherwise. Yes, thank you. I can keep up the voice. I can drop the voice. Whatever you guys want.

It looks really fun. I'm jealous of it. I want to talk like this for the whole episode.

It's kind of cool, isn't it?

Yeah, I think it's pretty fun.

Dilly dally. I'm going to call my mom and tell her I love her.

I kind of want you to oscillate between the voices the whole show. Jordan Morris, of course, from Jordan and Jesse Go, a wonderful podcast, the amazing podcast miniseries Bubble, the graphic novel Bubble. Jordan, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you. Oh my gosh, I'm thrilled to be here.

Jordan, we ask everyone this before we start on the show. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, escape rooms, and so on?

Yes, thank you for asking. Riddle, great way to break up a quest. If you're on a quest, a lot of the challenges can be combat-based. You know, fight this dragon, fight these orcs. But, you know, when you're on a quest, you gotta break things up. You gotta keep it, you know, you gotta keep people guessing. So I love a Riddle-based challenge. We're talking Sphinx, we're talking Troll. This is just a great thing to encounter on any quest you might be on.

It's a great way to get the least social person in your party an opportunity to also engage in the rest of the quest.

Also, I'm just realizing, without Riddles, Batman would just face sociopaths and clay monsters?

Thanks for watching.

Oh no, the Riddler's gone away? Said no Batman ever.

Jordan, have you ever done an escape room, or do you do like Crosswords, the Wordle, Daily Connections?

No, I do not do, I don't do Wordle, I don't do like, I don't do those kinds of games, and I've been in a couple of escape rooms, and I've had a pretty good time in them. I did a virtual escape room during the pandemic that was a fun little bit of like, We're having fun, we can still do, I don't know, which, why would we, who needs to, you can just do the, and I'm fine. Yeah, I did that, and, oh, you know, the first escape room I did, I had to, I was in charge of writing an escape room themed episode of an animated show I was working for. Oh, did you say the show? Hi.

So I assume in this episode of Unikitty, everyone who does the escape room, marriages fall apart, people are screaming at each other, it's a lot of Type A personalities taking the wheel.

Yeah, exactly. It's the death of Brock and Mr. Frown's relationship. Oh no! A lot of fanfiction about those two online. I have not watched it or revisited it in a while, but yeah, I think strained relationship is part of the episode.

I feel that's always, anytime I go with someone for their first time, they're always like, I've never done a room. I don't know. And then immediately it's like a light switch goes on and they're like, grab that. Give me this. What is this? Are you, what do you do? It's, it's a lot of barking orders, which is very interesting. Yeah. Very interesting, interesting experiment. Well, speaking of interesting experiments, Jordan, do you mind if we get into some riddles? I would love to get into some riddles. Okay, we'll start with some. Here's some freaking softballs. These are some easy peasies. If a chicken lays an egg every two hours, how many eggs will half a chicken lay?

I spaced out while you were reading it. Can you read it again? I think maybe that's a problem I have.

That's the essential Riddle podcast moment, though.

Yeah.

Is the first riddle, immediately space out, your eyes glaze over. Does that happen all the time? Yep. Mm-hmm. Okay. So, welcome. This is what it is.

It's good to be here. Good to be here. Yeah. And I have a very sonorous voice.

It is. It's good for bedtime.

It's kind of beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, did you say beautiful?

I did say it was beautiful.

If a chicken lays an egg every two hours, how many eggs will half a chicken lay? Can I guess? Absolutely. Zero. Because it's dead.

Because if you're half a chicken, You're not alive.

Well, Erin, now, I just think that it depends on which half of a chicken you are because there's half a chicken that I think could still lay about an egg. There's one half of a chicken that I think could not lay an egg to save its life.

I guess I'll pause at a scenario here. I think we all know from our barnyard classes in school that chickens run around for a little bit with their heads cut off. Yes. So if this chicken in question was chopped in half, like as they were laying the egg, as the process of egg laying had already begun, would they- Humiliating way to die, by the way. Yes, absolutely. No one wants to go like that. It's like taking a crap and someone bursts in the door. I mean, come on.

That's Pulp Fiction, right? That's Game of Thrones.

I guess, yes, would the chicken continue laying the egg, and is that the half-chicken in this scenario, one that has already begun the process?

Does it say in the answer, Adal? Yes, it does. There's an asterisk and there's a lot more information. No, the answer, Erin, you pretty much got it. The answer is none. This is because only whole chickens can lay eggs. Although I very much do agree, because I think there's some, I don't know if it was Guinness Book of World Records, I don't know if it was like Ripley's Believe It or Not, but there's some chicken that they cut off the head and it lived like another I wanna say like another eight months, and the guy would like put feed down the esophagus tube. Oh my God. So I think there is a way that that could all happen.

I gotta talk to that guy. Guy, why are you doing that? Why are you... Let it go.

Yeah, he's probably making carnival money, right? This seems like an old-time carnival attraction. He's setting up a booth, pulling up steaks, moving to the next town.

I do want to see a scene. Let's say, Erin, you're a teacher. JPC and Jordan, you are both students in this class that Erin is teaching. And Erin, specifically, you are a teacher of the barnyard class in school.

Hello, everybody. Take a seat. Take a seat. My name is Mrs... Where? On a hay bale. Any hay bale that looks comfy. They're all wet.

I knew that, teacher. I've been sitting on this hay bale since 8 a.m.

Thank you, Mr. Kissass. Oh my god, that's really your last name. Incredible. Okay.

It's Kissass, but I mean, I would never correct you. So if you want to pronounce it Kissass, please do.

I'm just here to receive your knowledge. I love when people match their names. My name is Mrs. McDonald. You might have known from your past, the kids call me Old McDonald, but I'm 38.

Oh, I thought it was because you smell like fries.

Yes, I did get an Egg McMuffin breakfast sandwich on the way to work today.

Well, you smell like fries.

I sort of feel like everything at McDonald's tastes and smells the same.

They use the same oil. Everyone knows that. Don't question teacher's story, which holds up. Gonna make an Egg McMuffin in oil.

Miss McDonald had a farm- There's the hashbrowns.

The hashbrown comes with the sandwich. I've lost the class, I've lost the class. To be fair, you smell like hashbrowns as well. I think that's fine, I agree with that.

I know, let's talk about it. I feel like anything other than their soda, their Diet Coke, which is the best, we can all agree is the best Diet Coke anywhere, is the carbonation.

They just get the carbonation right. Of course.

Thank you, Kiss Ass. But everything else at McDonald's, in a way, if you have kind of a light cold, everything's gonna taste the same. From the french fries, to the Big Mac, to the hash browns, to the salad.

Do you have a light cold?

Do you?

Well, no, but I feel like if I sit on this wet hay all day, I'm gonna get a light cold.

Okay, you know what? Whatever, we don't have to learn. No, no, we're excited.

Hey everyone, I know I'm sure you had a long weekend and I know it's been weird with the emails you've been getting. My name is Mr. Holstein. I am your replacement teacher. Ms. MacDonald is, how do I say this to kids, she's broken. She quit teaching. She's now going to be a critic. for the Star Courier local paper. So I'm your new teacher.

So let's get to work on... And you see me knock on the window outside and hold up a bag of McDonald's, flip you off, gets on motorcycle, drives away.

Holstein.

What to do with that Holstein? Well, it's a type of cow.

My family invented that breed. Any questions on that?

I've been researching your family, and they're very impressive. I hate the old teacher now, and I love you. She did horrible things to us. Horrible. Encouraged us to eat at McDonald's. It's full of saturated fats. Oh, thank you, Mr. Holstein, for saving us from that awful woman. Ugh, what a casas. Am I right?

Am I right, other kid? Am I right? What a casas. All right, next riddle here. How is it possible to put an empty glass directly underneath a kitchen tap that is left on so that the water is running but the empty glass doesn't fill with any water?

This obviously has something to do with karaoke, which is Japanese for empty orchestra. Empty, in this instance, does not refer to what we would traditionally know as empty. This is a sheet of glass, like, for a window, and the water is just running all over it.

Off the dome, I'm saying you turn the glass upside down. Is this a traditional drinking glass? What did I say? Hold on. Yeah, Jordan got it.

No, too late, JBC. You locked it in. Damn it!

Jordan, the glass is placed upside down so the water hits the base of the glass instead.

Is that good? Should we just joke around more or do we just answer the riddle? Was that okay?

Yeah, sometimes you just get the riddle right. So you've heard our show.

Does it say why someone did that?

No, it doesn't say.

Existential dread.

I think that would do it.

No, we've been talking about Batman villains, and that seems like some classic Batman villain shit, just like wanting to watch the world burn. Someone says, can you fill me up a glass of water? And someone says, sure. They turn it upside down in front of you. You can see them do it. You go, why do they do this?

If you wanted to fill up the basin, the sink basin, but you didn't have your stopper, perhaps, right over the drain?

Yeah, that'll do it.

Alright next, and Jordan, I told you in the email, Heminghaw. As much as you can, Heminghaw.

Scratch your head, bad answers first. Hey, we'll get to this in a minute, but what are your Oscar picks? You think they filmed Taylor Swift too much at the Super Bowl?

Now we're talking, this is all we want.

This is good stuff.

How many hands does the Big Ben clock tower have in London? And this is less of a riddle and more of a Figure it out.

Three? This is something you'd have to know about the clock tower. You'd have to have been there.

Yeah, in your mind palace, you have to have a sense of what it looks like. How many hands does the Big Ben clock tower have in London?

Well, we figured that out. Can I see a scene?

That's phrased weirdly.

Yeah, absolutely. Jordan, you're Big Ben, and you're going back home for Christmas to your clock family, and they're all just way less impressive clocks. And you're just dealing with that dynamic.

Merry Christmas everyone! Oh my gosh, Ben. Oh, look at you.

That's right. I didn't have me signature British accent for the first sentence I said because I was trying to trick you. But then I realized I've probably got a British accent. So here I am doing it right now.

It's like a Madonna situation, you know, or...

I'm a chameleon I is, I turn it on and I turn it off, but I'm here, I'm taking some time out of my busy schedule, being a national landmark, and I'm going to celebrate Christmas with you, the other clocks, who might not be as famous, but surely tell time you do you do.

Yeah, absolutely. Taking some time. Ben, you old goose. Yeah, a digital alarm clock is around here somewhere. And of course, I mean, your old grandfather here is hanging pretty low. Come on in. Come on in. Watch your head. Watch your head. Um, we have some bangers and mash for you. We have some bubbles and squeak. Um, I made some tea. I tried to... I googled England food, and this is whatever came up, so... These are all my favorites.

Thank you very much. Of course, as a national landmark, I have access to all the finest foods in the country, but your quaint version of our British favorites is very charming in its ultimate ineptitude.

Good, good. I haven't seen you, boy, it must have been 1700s. Can I, is it rude to ask, is it gauche? What was surviving Guy Fawkes like? That must have been wild.

Oh, I realized it was my duty to stand firm during those difficult times and let everybody know that the British Empire was still right as rain. So even though we were going through a difficult time, I feel that I Being a giant clock really inspired everyone and let them know better days were ahead just like... Yeah, sort of a keep calm and carry on.

Digital, what? Oh boy, you should not have that. Let's go in the parlor here.

Oh, if it isn't my grand sundial.

Hey. Hello.

Hey.

It's cloudy outside. I don't know where I am or who I am. Help!

And that's fine. Scene. Can I take a whack at the riddle?

Oh God, we were doing a riddle. Holy shit. We were doing a riddle. I forgot.

So, and I wanted to, I wanted to, I wanted to yes end the scene as best I could. I've taken an improv class or two. I'm sure you won't be shocked. Um, But I think Big Ben refers to the bell. It's not the clock, it's the bell. So is that the answer to the question? Is that there are no hands on Big Ben because it's the bell? Here's the thing, Jordan.

We have a lot of riddle books. A lot of listeners will email us with their own homespun riddles while we search the internet. I've done no research that this is the right answer. It doesn't say that it's the bell here, so I trust you from everything I've listened to with you appearing on it. You seem way too educated to be on this podcast, but I would assume you're correct.

You're overqualified to be here. I don't listen. I got the glass thing. That was impressive. We can all agree.

Is the answer zero, and we're just trying to figure out why that's correct?

The answer isn't zero. This is a weird one. One, because it's phrased oddly. But two, it's more of just a sort of sussing out the answer and or kind of knowing it as a factoid, I guess. I'll give you a hint. Seemingly, there is no second hand. This, I guess it was created pre second hands or at least the second hand was not added at any point in time.

Wait, Big Ben, the clock, the famous clock, can only tell you what hour it is? That's really all Big Ben does?

Minutes and hours. Did I say minute hand?

Oh, I'm sorry. You said second hand. I thought you meant it did not have a second hand. I thought you meant that this clock had one clock arm that was just being like, it's 11, we'll let you know when it's 12. Two-ish.

That's a fun misunderstanding. That is fun.

Second hand, second hand. So two, the answer is two.

You can get one at a second hand store if they need one. I also would have accepted he has two hands and he has the most wins of any Steelers quarterback, although he's a piece of shit. The answer is eight hands. There are two hands on each of the four faces of the Big Ben lock tower.

I think they're counting on that.

I think that's like the challenge of the riddle.

That's their whole thing. Erin, can you imagine? My head. Erin, close your eyes. Picture you're a Londoner in, you know, 1842. Let's say you live on the north side of Big Ben and the face of the clock faces south. What are you going to do? You got to race all the way down there? You got to walk five hours to get to the right side of the clock tower just to see the time?

What else am I doing? There's no internet. I got nothing but time.

Hey, you can run around a clock. Yeah.

I guess you're right.

I guess you're right. How much does it suck if you live directly due northwest of Big Ben? You're like, motherfucker, I got to go 15 minutes in either direction just to figure out what time it was 15 minutes ago?

Come on. I won't buy a watch.

Let's get to another riddle here. Monty had broken his leg after running a race. A surgeon saw Monty very shortly after the injury, but because of the leg injury, the surgeon killed him. Why did this happen and why did the surgeon not get arrested?

Well, this was not, of course, the first of their kills. They got arrested because they died before they could be held accountable for their crimes. It was in a time where doctors were just kind of unquestioned. Some of history's greatest monsters were doctors.

As someone who watches too much TV on the opening, this is like the Nick, right? Clive Owen?

Oh yeah. That's a Clive Owen for sure.

Maybe Sodenberg? Did Sodenberg make that? I don't know. Who knows?

I'm hungry.

Impossible to tell. So you're suggesting that the surgeon is practicing malpractice, or is it a serial killer?

Yes, a mass murderer. Now, the guy he kills is also a horse, but that shouldn't matter for the riddle. What really matters is that this is a horse killer. This sick fuck, this sadistic goddamn John off the street, he gets his fucking rocks off by killing these horses.

JBC bingo bingo. Ha ta ta. Monty was a racehorse after a broken leg injury. Horses rarely recover properly and will never be as fast at running. I mean, I don't think you have to add that part.

They shouldn't be killed because they'll never be as fast. I got a question, so certainly this was true for a time, but this seems needlessly barbaric. They're not still killing, shooting racehorses for breaking legs, are they? That feels like one of those things that should have been phased out.

Yeah, there's got to be a home for injured racehorses somewhere, right? A farm upstate?

Yeah, the glue factory.

Oh, man.

If they're not as fast anymore, they could get sold to one of those, like, you know, horse trail, you know, ride things that you, like, see if you, like, drive out west, you know, in, like, Montana.

They could do kid's birthday parties.

Exactly.

I'm pretty scared of horses. We're

Riddle Riddle

Maybe you are more likely to use those horses because, you know, they're less likely to kick you. I don't know. Maybe it's a maybe there's like a business idea there. Oh, yeah.

I think there's also something to those horses, too, that you might want to stay away from, because assuming that everything we know about horse, you know, the horse with the broken leg is true. That horse has been shot, but also it didn't kill the horse, which is why they're in the situation where they're in now, which means that the horse is also very skittish because of the gunshot. Thanks for watching. It would be pretty funny to give, you know, do like a bachelor party, right? Sure. Where you give your old married friend the PTSD horse and just watch it go, you know, careening off the side of the mountain.

You're a really good friend.

Yeah.

He shouldn't be getting married, okay?

Eric, you know what's going on. Who needs a boring old strip club where you can watch your buddy get thrown off a horse? Yawn.

I do want to see the scene. I do want to see a scene. Erin, you are a horse who has whatever ailment you so desire, and you're going to see a doctor, which is Jordan, who will be admitting you now.

Hey, thank you so much for seeing me last minute.

Yeah, of course, of course. Come right this way. We had a cancellation this morning. So it really, really worked out nice. Yeah, you can just sit over there on the table. And I will just be over here. I cannot sit. Oh, right. Of course. I'm sorry. Well, yeah, it's however you're comfortable. You can stand, you could lean. Yeah, so just make yourself comfortable and I'll just be over here loading this gun.

What? What?

Oh, yeah, I know. What? Oh yeah, it's a little bit tough. We're an older practice, and we don't have some of the fancy gizmos that some of these big city offices have, so I'll just be over here loading this old-time musket, and then I will shoot you. Oh, hold on, hold on, sorry.

There must be something wrong with my intake form, because I just have a little like, I got a little like, I got a little, and my throat is like a little hoarse.

Yeah, yeah.

Welcome back to

Today's episode is

It was so smart of you to come get a second opinion. I know a lot of horses aren't making that call, you know, because it is a little more expensive. Obviously, you have to pay the copay again. But why don't you just tell me what appears to be the problem? What appears to be the ailment? And I'll just start dressing you in some of the, you know, clown accoutrement. Oh, just tell me what you think the problem is, what your problem is, what the medical ailment is, and I, as the horse doctor, will start dressing you as kind of a clown's assistant.

No, no, no. I'm just a little horse.

Which is funny. No, you're quite a big horse. Which is why the kids will love you at the birthday parties.

No, I'm really, I have a full-time job. I am a racehorse.

Yeah, we saw that on the forum. But now you'll be doing kids' birthday parties.

Okay, it's what is worse, getting shot in the head or kids' birthday parties?

Oh, the kids will all have guns. These are Texas birthday parties.

Zane.

I was gonna roll a caramel apple around your fur, but fine. Do horses have fur? What is a horse covered in? We can't know. We can't know. Is that fur?

I think they say horse hair. I think you hear horse hair, like what violin bows are made out of.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

Butt hair, right? Ooh.

It better be for what I'm paying for it.

Let's do one more riddle and then we'll take a break. Okay. A woman born in America who has never visited a foreign country can see with her own eyes the Great Wall of China. How is this possible?

It's a photo. It's a movie.

It's a photo of a movie. She's in space?

And it says, Jordan, Wowie zowie. You got it. This woman, the American woman, was in space where the wall of China is visible.

Wow. She's a satellite. Wow. And satellites can be women.

I'd like to see a scene.

I just want my daughter to see a satellite that looks like her. Sputnik-y. Representation matters.

Jordan and JPC, you are astronauts in space for the first time, and you're amazed at all the things you can see from space on Earth.

Wow. The little blue marble, huh? Look at that. Wow.

Yeah, it really, really makes you feel small up here. I mean, it's all so beautiful. And I don't, you know, I don't know if there is a God, but, you know, just seeing this majesty before me just makes me feel like, you know, just the world is so beautiful. Hey, check it out. There's one of those Arby's with the big hat sign. Oh my god, those are so rare! Yeah, I know. Oh, and Arby's with the big hats on! Yeah, you don't see them a lot anymore, but when you drive by one, like an Arby's, it's just so cool, you know, like... Holy god, that is... All these sterile, new Arby's just don't have the same, you know, majesty and beauty as the classic Arby's with the giant hats. Oh, look, look, look!

Oh my god, that's a Planet Hollywood! That's a planet Hollywood. There must be four of those left.

I mean, I don't know if... Listen, I don't know if we're alone up here or, you know, if God exists, but... It's hard not to feel a presence, you know? Right, exactly.

You see a planet Hollywood like that? It's hard not to feel a presence.

I mean, to think we could land this baby and be eating a club sandwich underneath Sylvester Stallone's jacket from Demolition Man in a matter of hours. God, it's beautiful.

I don't know if there is a higher power.

No, who knows?

Who can tell? But you stare down at this place from so far up from where we are, and you see Florida kind of really does look like a penis, and you just know somebody's laughing, you know? Somebody did that on purpose, and they're having a laugh at it.

Listen, I don't know if there is a God, but hey, look at me. It looks like I'm jacking off Florida.

My God, to me, that's proof that there is a God.

Right, yes. And I know we're supposed to be men of science and logic, but we're up here looking at Arby's and Planet Hollywood and the dick that is Florida. It's hard not to think that all those Bible guys might have been on to something.

Alright, should we get to it?

I believe we should. It's time to complete our astronaut's mission.

Alright. Can two men have a baby in space?

We are about to get- No, you're right. Keep going.

Well, they'll keep going while the rest of you take a break. We'll be right back with more Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. Okay. So you remember how I told you guys that I was having erectile dysfunction issues and that I basically couldn't get my dick to work and you guys were just like, go to church, sing some songs. All you gotta do is sing some songs in church and everything will be fixed. Well, guess what? I went to church, I sang all the songs and it didn't work. It didn't do anything.

JPC, you were thinking of Sister Act and we said try HIMS. H-I-M-S.

H-I-M-S.

Like HIMS a ghost.

I was thinking about Sister Act. That always gets me there.

JPC, can you come sit on my bench first and then you go to Erin's? Real talk. Sure. 52% of men over 40 experience some form of ED, not ET, but it's always been a taboo topic. Thankfully, HIMSS is changing that by providing affordable access to ED treatments, like sex chews, all online.

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Hmm. Okay, so basically what I did is not what I want to do. I want to use hymns, which has hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers, so if Edie is getting us down, we can change that with hymns and not go to church and say, Dick pills, whenever you have sex, I want some pills for my dick to work.

I'm happy.

I also, unrelated, I heard about a church that shut down today. Start your free online visit today at hymns.com slash riddle. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash riddle for your personalized ED treatment options. Hymns.com slash riddle. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if appropriate restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies on product and subscription plan. Sex chews are compounded products and have not been approved by the FDA. The FDA does not verify the safety or effectiveness of compound drugs. Also, E.D. Boneholm. Can we use it?

Can we use that?

Can you sing some more, JPC?

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Adal JPC, gather around my computer. I'm making a new website using Squarespace.

Oh, wow. Okay, I am interested in what's going on here. Dogswithpants.com.

No, sorry, I was just looking at that. The one I am making is Bone2Pick.com, and it is all the things that JPC rants about, and I'm really excited to be making it. Look, I'm making the online store right now.

It's an exact copy of DogsWithPants.com. I talk about all the things that I nat about.

Look, you can sell your products on an online store. Whether you sell physical, digital, or service products, Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online. Here's my bone to pick merch. How cute is this?

Ooh, yeah. Speaking of custom merch, Erin, I don't know if you know this, you can easily sell that custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience, and dogs with pants, and scales your brand. You can design your products and production, inventory, shipping, it's all handled for you, saving you time and money.

Yeah, plus Squarespace lets you have an asset library. I know I use it on DogsWithPants.com, my website, where you can upload, organize, and access all your content from one place. And with the new asset library, you're able to manage all your files from one central hub and use them across the Squarespace platform. Take, for instance, I can put these chinos on this dog or swap it with denim. Now it's wearing jeans.

You can also host video content, organize your video library, and showcase your content on beautiful video pages and sell access to your videos with member areas.

Ooh, this Golden Retriever is wearing white pants. Yikes.

Yeah.

And I got a bone to pick with him because this is after Labor Day.

Gross. I can't believe you're just ripping off my whole thing, which is DogsWithPants.com, where you get to judge their fashion choices, and you're just making it BoneToPick.com, where you judge the DogsWithPants.com's pants fashion choices? Erin! What?

Well, if you want to make your own incredible website, head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

And if you're out there thinking, why don't I just make a clone of bone2pic.com, which is dogswithpants.com, but it's my own thing where I just take the dogs with pants stuff that JPC works really hard putting all those pants on those dogs because you have to get them still so they can take the photo. Don't do it.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hey Adal, hey Erin, I got a bone to pick with the two of you. Okay. Surprise, surprise. You know how I was telling you guys that I had a lot of problems in my life and I was like having trouble sorting through my emotions and I thought it'd be really useful to talk to a professional to kind of help give myself tools to work through all of the things going on in my life.

Kelp. Yelp. Felp.

And you two jokers sent me to a website that... So what happened was... GAPC, better help.

We said better help. Whatever you heard, you're not listening, okay? No, hold on, hold on.

No, you, you misspelled it. You misspelled it. When you did it, you misspelled it. That's what happened to me.

You don't have to do this. We are talking about BetterHelp. It's online therapy that's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. I love this kind of therapy. I've been using it for a long time, and it helps me so much to be able to message my counselor at any time of the day, whenever I'm actually feeling my feelings.

No, no, no, no, no. I have a legitimate bone to pick, okay? It's been so long, but no, I, I... Uh-huh. Yeah.

JPC, I know this is important to you. I know. Therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it, okay? The best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority. Alright? And therapy, and better help, can help with that.

Did you ever think, for even a second, That maybe I need to have these bones and I need to have them picked because if I take away my bones and my ability to pick them, I look at my life and I have nothing.

This is a great thing to talk to your better health therapist about. And you can also set boundaries and empower yourself to be the best version of yourself. And then maybe, just maybe, one day, you won't need a bone to pick.

Maybe I can tell my BetterHelp therapist that I have a bone to pick with feeling like I need to constantly be picking these bones.

Wow. Bingo. You can pick your friends, you can pick your bones, but you can't pick your friend's bones. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle.

Hey Riddle Riddle. I got space on the brain. I don't know about you guys, but I've been watching this Apple TV show called For All Mankind. And I'm also reading a series of books called the Mars Trilogy. So like Red Mars, Green Mars, Blue Mars. So I'm like 90% of my cultural intake right now is all like space themed.

Is For All Mankind the Asimov adaptation?

I know it's a Ronald D. Moore show, which is I think the Battlestar Galactica guy? Yeah. That's cool. It's interesting. I don't know. I like space. I think space is fun.

I think it's terrifying. Oceans and space.

Where do you rank it in comparison to a horse?

What's going to be scarier for you? Would much rather be in a horse than in space.

We'll come back Lucy put a cup of coffee in the microwave on maximum power for two minutes. When she opened the microwave door, she put the microwave on again for another two seconds.

Why did she do this?

I never know why she does anything.

And fair warning, because Jordan, I don't know if you have yet to experience this, some riddles are fucking awful.

These have all been great, so I don't know what you're talking about. Keep that in mind.

Adal, is it possible if you could reread the riddle and instead of saying maximum power, you can say maximum fun? Because I just think that there is a tie-in opportunity here. Sorry, I'm the branding guy, and I just never miss an opportunity.

It's great. We do our podcast on max fun, so yeah, we love the plug.

James, yeah, I'd love to reread it, but it's time for a little segment called Munch... No, I'll read the...

We were so close to the best segment of all time.

It's our Richard Belzer, we do this every episode, our Richard Belzer segment called Munchie, R.I.P. Did he die? Richard Belzer, I have to say, yes. Oh man, that sucks. Lucy put a cup of coffee in the microwave on maximum fun for two minutes. When she opened the microwave door, she put the microwave on again for another two seconds. Why did she do this?

Maybe I have a vague notion that I've heard that that's a way to sterilize the microwave. Is that something to do with that? I could just be making up something randomly, but I feel like maybe I've heard of people doing that. I don't know.

Again, Jordan, this sucks because I feel like a teacher at Phoenix Online and a Princeton Tiger has walked in the classroom virtually. That's probably correct, but that is not the answer we have here.

Is this an instance where it's like she, you know, is one of these people that has to like turn the knob like 10 times before she can open the door and that this is just a quirk of how she approaches, you know, the microwave? Because if not, something terrible will happen to like a very close family member and anything that you have to do to stop that from happening, I say do it.

Yes. Also, Lucy can't stare at planes because she believes they'll fall out of the sky if she stares at them. You're not far off, JPC.

How fucking awesome would that be? To be like, staring at a plane and watch it crash and be like, uh oh, I think I did that.

I did this. She's not, as far as we know, she's not riddled with OCD, but there's a bit of quirk going on for sure. And it's probably, well, quirk, but also safety to some degree.

Quark is our safety.

It's not a thing where it's going to end up to be like a joke, right? We're looking for an actual answer, not like, because she wanted to see time fly. It's not that.

Sometimes riddles are terrible puns. In this instance, it's not the case. So it's quirky and it's also, in my opinion, it seems like it's also probably done out of safety.

Is the order of operations, open the microwave after two minutes, Do anything or just open it and then close it and then add two extra seconds?

Great question. So, puts the coffee in for two minutes. Got it. Opens the door, sees what's going on with the cup, is a little dissatisfied, puts it on for another two seconds.

Was the coffee hot when they put it in the microwave?

I'm gonna go ahead and say no.

Wow, cold coffee.

I guess I'm thinking of, yeah, a situation where you would have to microwave coffee. I mean, I guess you make the coffee, you forget about it, it's sitting out, you want to nuke it. But I don't know how that applies to the situation.

How do microwaves work? Is it like she wanted it to be boiling and it was like two seconds from being boiling and she just added another two seconds to it to get it to the temperature? Is that how microwaves work?

The riddle I remember the most from my childhood is the one where it's like, oh, there's a man in a room with a rock and he's dead.

Why is he dead?

And the answer is that it's Superman and the rock was kryptonite.

Anytime someone says a riddle, I'm always like, how could Superman be involved? Is Superman a part of this somehow?

Well, I'd like to see a scene. Now we have to see a scene. Jordan, you are Superman, and you just are going to the break room at your office to get a cup of coffee and Adal, you are also in the break room.

Oh, hey. You want a cuppa? Oh yeah, fill me up. Mondays, huh? Oh man, I tell you what. You know, the Justice League mailroom is just so, you guys get so many letters, so much fan mail. Right. There's so much women's undergarments, a lot of, I mean it is wild, wild, wild, wild.

It's not why we do it. We do it for, you know, truth, justice, the American way and, you know, wanting to, you know, keep the world's people safe. But, you know, if It's nice. It's nice that people appreciate us, I guess I should say, but it's not why I do it.

Yeah. Oh, can I ask? It's just funny, and I don't know if this was, you know, you thought about your language. You said keep the world's people safe. I feel like mostly it's, mostly it's like America. Like, do you, how many missions, how would you, annually, how many missions are you doing elsewhere?

I mean, you know, like think globally, act locally. I mean, I think a lot of people, you know, have criticized me, Superman, for, you know, only saving Americans and that if, you know, there's an international flight, I, you know, some people are saying that I swoop into the plane, grab, strategically grab the Americans after asking to see everyone's passport and let the rest of them Crack You know, actually, for me, it's more the ritual. Yeah, I famously cannot get drunk because my cells replenish so quickly under your Earth's yellow sun. So, yeah, the coffee for me, for me, it's more about the ritual, just, you know, starting the day, reading the Constitution, saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

And I feel like I'm, and it's Josh, by the way, I don't know, there's so many of us,

Yeah, a lot of green lanterns these days.

I have a hard time keeping track of you guys. Yeah, I'm Josh, and I've only had the ring for a couple weeks, but it's wild. Well, you're doing great, Josh. You're doing great. Thank you so much.

Hey Josh, real quick, any messages from Phish? Any messages from Phish? Did Phish send any messages?

A message from a whale?

Huh? Huh?

Trey Anastasio said if you're free next week, he'd love to meet up with you at Blue Stones Barn.

Very funny, Josh.

Very funny.

Guess what? I got a long memory, okay? I got a long memory, Josh. Is that a threat? That's just fish.

Do you, and I feel like- Did he think you were Aquaman? That is Aquaman.

Superman, have you not met Aquaman?

Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. No, I guess he's technically from Atlantis, which isn't part of America, so I guess just technically there's something about meeting him. Oh, you're thinking of Atlanta.

Hey Josh, any messages? From the Riddler? Or any of the others?

Sorry Josh, this is my horse, my seahorse. We're getting him to the doctor later today.

No, please don't kill me. I'm always afraid one of these things is going to kick me, I don't know. I was Batman! Can I just say, never stand behind a Batman.

Folks, don't stand behind a Batman.

Yeah, because he's going to turn around and talk about how sad he is about his parents dying.

Lay your hand flat when you're giving Batman an apple. Jordan, are you a comic book guy? I am a comic book guy. I know you make comic books. I didn't know if you also read. Yeah, yeah. I've been a comic book reader since before I can remember. That's why all those fucking great-ass DC pulls were in there that fans are gonna go wild over.

This is a legit question. Yes. I'm a Marvel kid. I've always grew up, ever since I was enchanted by Nightcrawler, I've been a Marvel kid. I think I've read Red Son maybe by Mark Millar, but does Superman sleep?

Did you tell us your favorite comic yet? Because I would like to know that. Welcome to Thanks for watching. Hey everyone! And yeah, it really just kind of like kind of like made me realize that that he's a really cool character. And I think I when I was a kid, I thought he was corny. And, you know, he's the the joke about him is he's just a boy scout. But yeah, I think I think I kind of I kind of I got I got Superman pilled recently and and I love him.

I feel like anything, any of the Grant Morrison Superman stuff?

Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, Grant Morrison writes a mean, weird Superman. Not that he doesn't write the character mean. I'm trying to say he does a good job of writing it, but yeah. Yeah, a lot of weird Superman stuff from Grant Morrison, as you might expect.

I listen to a lot of, love Glenn Weldon. I listen to a lot of pop culture happy hour. Great show. The bad thing is, is if I listen to too much Glenn Weldon, the next time I have a conversation, I find myself going, mm-hmm. I do a lot of Weldonisms, which are delightful. That is very good Weldonism, one of the best. Hey folks, Adal here. I am getting so old, so Adal brained, as it were, that I completely forgot to say the answer to this microwave cup riddle in the episode, so here we are. Notice how everyone else didn't notice? That's how much our show is about riddles. So the answer to this question about why did this person microwave the cup of coffee for another two seconds? The answer is, when Lucy opened the microwave, the cup handle was facing away from her, so the two seconds extra was sufficient to rotate the cup around so she can safely take the cup out of the microwave. Wow. Worth it, huh? Alright, now back to more. Let's do some more riddles here. There is a... hopefully this is a little more on track. There's a prairie dog, a guinea pig, a silkworm, and a firefly. What unique thing do these four animals have in common? I'll read the list again. There's a prairie dog, a guinea pig, a silkworm, and a firefly. What unique thing do these four animals have in common?

These are all the same animal at different evolutionary stages. I was going to say huge dongs. Proportionally.

The animal name that's in it is not the kind of animal it is.

Erin, I don't know why you said that. It is they all have huge dongs. The firefly, the North American firefly or lightning bug, will distract from its huge dong with a secreted... No, Erin, you're correct. Reading from Wikipedia there? Wikipedia. It's the Boston-based... Erin, you're exactly right. The four animals are imposters. A prairie dog is not a dog. It's a type of rodent. A guinea pig is not a pig. It's a type of rodent. A silkworm is not a worm. It's a caterpillar. Firefly is not a fly. It is a beetle.

I got one.

The silkworm thing seems a little like, I'm not a worm, I'm a caterpillar. I'm like, goodbye. Goodbye, you're a worm.

Yeah. I do want to see a scene. All three of you, JPC, Jordan, and Erin, you are at a party for animals, and all three of you are imposters.

Wolf. I guess.

Come on in. Oh, this is your party.

Yes.

I'm invited.

Great. I'm an Australian Shepherd. Dog.

Dog, yes. Yeah. Because you have that big crook, that big staff.

Yep.

Kind of feels like you landed on an Australian Shepherd and then went a different way at the last minute. Not that I'm... Just make ourselves at home? Yeah, I'm not a giraffe.

Hi everybody, it's me, the lion, the king of the beasts.

Meow. Okay, I heard a meow at the end of that. Hear my mighty roar. Meow. Um, you look, sorry, a lot like a little, a cute little kitten. Probably not though, right?

No, I'm a lion, the king of the beasts. I'm the ultimate alpha. I love stalking the plains for my prey.

Okay, you're chasing a little laser on the floor.

I'm sorry, do you have an inhaler? I get really asthmatic when I'm chasing lasers.

Oh boy. Yes, lion. And I'm not a giraffe, and you're definitely a lion. Come on in, come on in.

All right, cards on the table. I am a zookeeper. I'm not really a unicorn. This is just a horn. It's a trumpet. This is a trumpet that I've put on my head. I'm a zookeeper. I was hoping to catch a lot of escaped zoo creatures at this party.

Oh, no. No, what?

No, yeah, I know. It's obviously it's a bust. That's crazy. That is obviously a kitten. It's not a lion. It's obviously a little tiny kitten.

Oh, no, you're wrong. I'm the king of the beast. I'm gonna maul you for your deception. Look out.

And you're obviously an Australian Shepherd, not a giraffe. So that's not gonna work for me either. Damn.

I just have an extraordinarily long neck.

Big wanted poster for a missing giraffe. No way. Really thought I was gonna make my nut today.

And in the Wanted poster does like his head get cut off because it's so tall? It's just sort of the neck part?

We have some mixed nuts at this party. See?

Outstanding. I do like that, Erin. That's a fun like a children's book thing where a Wanted poster with a giraffe on it and the giraffe's neck is just in the Wanted poster.

That's what I would do. Yeah.

Erin, I gotta ask, what is this giraffe wanted for?

Arsony. Holy shit.

Is that stealing fire? Is that what Prometheus got locked up for? Arsony? Yeah.

Grand Law Arsony. Let's do another riddle here. A middle-aged man. I don't know the pointless detail. A middle-aged man has traveled around the world for the past six months. He approaches you and is wondering if you would like to buy a clay pot that contains a liter of special liquid that will turn anything it touches into pure gold for only $20. Do you buy the pot?

Where am I? Am I at home? Is this like a knock at the door at night? Am I out? Am I at a restaurant?

I'm gonna say that you're, just to make this more international, you're at a bazaar.

You're in Morocco at... So he approaches me in the way that it's like, I'm there actually to buy, to shop for trinkets, and he's like, you, come over here! Okay, gotcha. I'm actually a lot more comfortable with that.

Jordan, word for word the answer, this is a nasty little guy selling cum you've been tricked by him before.

It's like an organ trail prompt.

And here's the thing, I don't mind buying it, but if this guy thinks I'm paying $20 for his Cub, he's got another thing coming.

That's part of his kink, he likes overcharging people.

Jerks off Florida, and then he overcharges people for the Cub.

I'm walking away with the Cub bucket, but I'm paying $6 tops.

You guys like that Waylon Jennings song, $20 for Cub? Here's what's next! Erin, dead on, very observational. The man claims that the special liquid could turn anything, we'll just say, the man claims his cum could turn anything it touches into gold, but it hasn't turned the clay pot into gold. He must be telling a lie, and therefore, to save disappointment, you should not buy it.

Wow, that's very thrifty, very economical to... Here's what I do, I take out my wallet and I say, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll pay you the $20, throw my wallet into the pot. If the wallet don't... Nope, my money's all wet. Whoops. Never mind. This was a terrible plan.

I do want to see a scene. JPC, you have a sort of stall at a local market with bizarre items, sort of cabinets of curiosities or whatnot. And Jordan and Erin, you are a couple looking for a perfect gift to bring to a wedding.

Oh, honey, what about this?

Hey, the happy couple.

Oh, whoa. Come over to my table, the happy couple.

Yeah, hi. We're in a little bit of a... Kiss. Takes a champagne flute and clicks it. Kiss. Nah, I'm kidding. We're a couple.

I'm kidding, you're a couple. Okay. All right. Okay.

A little kibble. Yeah. So here's the bind we're in. Shopkeep we're here on a destination wedding. We we plumper got a gift So we need we need we need something quick. Did you have anything that would be appropriate for such an occasion?

Destination wedding a couple who wants a wedding gift It's his co-worker that he's like not close to yeah, we sort of like saw this as an excuse to take a bit international vacation but So we want to get something nice, but not like

Oh, international. So you're not from Destin, Florida?

No.

We're Canadian. Let me guess. Spain. Canada.

We're Canadians, and we've always wanted to see Florida. Spending limit? Spending limit? Like $20?

Okay.

$50?

For a wedding gift? What are you doing?

It's his, like, co-worker who's like, whatever. Yeah.

I'm wearing a Burberry jacket. You're wearing Burberry jacket and you're spending $20 on a co-worker's wedding gift?

Come on! You're being kind of judgy. There's a lot of shops at this bazaar. Do you want our $20 or not?

Yes, yes, of course, of course. I want your $20. I just have to think. Do I have anything in my whole bazaar that could be for $20? Yeah, I have to think about it, okay? Let's see, your coworker? Your coworker or her coworker?

It's my coworker. We work together at the mall.

Okay, so you worked again. Do you work? Ma'am, do you work?

Uh, yeah. Again? Two incomes and you're spending $20?

I don't want to answer for you, but you're being real... We're leaving.

We're leaving. A couple of doinks?

Double income, no kids?

Cheap fun hats? Come on, Glenn. I'm hearing cheap fun hats.

No, he's a pervert. He's a pervert. Don't go over there. Please, stay. Stay. I'm sorry. I have a perfect gift. I have a perfect gift for you. Please stay. Okay, you want more chance. Okay, one more chance. That's all I require.

$20.

Okay. Do you want Applebee's gift card?

on the episode

Jordan, thank you so much for coming on.

Yeah, thank you for having me. Above average Riddle guessing.

Yes.

Very impressive. Very, very impressive. You should do more escape rooms. You should find new friends is what I'm saying. Try your hand at some more puzzling or some crosswords.

Yeah. Very, very good job. Maybe. And yeah, I mean, I think just my secret is just start your thought process thinking about how Superman could be involved and then you go from there. And the answer will reveal itself.

When it was a gift for a co-worker in that scene, I was gonna possibly tag in to be Josh and you were Canadian Superman getting him a gift. But I was like, I don't know, Canadian Superman, what's going on there?

I feel like going into an escape room thinking Superman is a possible solution because you're just like punching through drywall at a lot of escape routes.

Do we fly so fast that we travel through time?

Speaking of Superman and comics, Jordan, you have a new comic coming out, Youth Group, Today we're

Spectre Inspectors and various issues of Marvel Comics. Boan McGirdy, a great genius. Yeah, our book is about a bunch of goofy teenage exorcists. They're part of kind of a dopey Bible study group where they sing parody songs and talk about abstinence, but they actually have to do exorcisms and fight demons in their off time. And yeah, it's got Buffy the Vampire Slayer vibes, Shauna the Dead vibes, and it is available for pre-order now wherever you get a book if you want to go to bit.ly slash youth group book, bit.ly slash youth group book. Today's episode is

Jordan, anything else you want to plug? No, I don't want to overwhelm them with plugs. I want to just keep the focus on our great upcoming graphic novel, Youth Group Pit.ly slash youth group book.

Oh yeah. Erin, anything you'd like to plug?

I'd like to plug our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. Lots of really fun episodes. There was one that came out in the last few weeks with Mandogpod that we laughed really, really, really hard on that I think is worth checking out. And you can join for free for a week if you haven't before, and it might be nice to come and just hang out with us. Adal, anything to plug?

Yes, I believe by the time this comes out, Hello from the Magic Tavern Season 5 will be out wherever you get podcasts. I believe, I hope so. Could be wrong. If it's not out already, it's coming out soon. So check out Season 5 of Hello from the Magic Tavern.

No, if it's not out, something really bad has happened and you gotta message Adal about it. Message Adal about it.

Matt is stuck. Matt's stuck under a couch. He was moving, it fell. GPC, anything to plug or any reviews to read?

Yeah, I have something big to plug. So I've been working on a project that I'm not ready to announce yet, but I will announce that next week on the show, my collaborator will be our special guest on that episode where we will be announcing that project. And I do know that there are probably people in our Patreon that have been Hey Riddle Riddle.

Yeah, stay tuned. Erin, no clicking, right? I watch a lot of TV, no clicking. Larry Sanders show, you ever watch that?

Adal, you have to stop watching TV. This whole episode's been an intervention. Jupiter, goodbye!

How many parents in the music? We'll go three.

Hey there Duncans and Idaho's, if you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chatterbox where we're answering your questions. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gum podcast.