Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Alright, it's time to hand out your valentines to the class. Everyone has made their beautiful little box with cardboard and glitter and just go around and put the valentines you made in everyone's box. Adal JPC, you seem hesitant.

Um, yeah, no, we have, do we have, uh, Erin, we didn't know, we didn't know you were serious. We thought you were joking. That's something that kids do. I never joke.

I'm not a comedian. According to men on the internet, I'm not a comedian.

Well, that's the number one trusted, number one, after Snopes, men on the internet, number two, most trusted source. Um, Erin, how about we do verbal Valentines?

Is that fun?

And I misread your voice memo. And I made a bunch of locks. So, and it's pink. So I feel like it's on theme, but I can't- Yeah, salmon is pink. Is that what you meant? Locks, L-O-X? Yeah. Okay. Well, you can see it, obviously. I made a big batch of it.

We can all see it. We stand silently for 30 seconds and look at it.

We can all see it.

Mm-hmm. We both know it's either locks, like you lock a door, or it's locks like you put on a bagel.

Yeah. Either one, improbable for me to have made a bunch of.

I'm just asking because there's a lot of metal keys in there, which I've never, I just don't, when I go to delis, I don't see that.

So, I was not allowed to do it in the kitchen, so I had to do it in my key making workshop.

Hello. It's a real improv stand-up. What is it called?

Now I don't know. You're twirling your hair like a circle.

This is a disaster. A tumbleweed goes by and then you two are staring at each other about which kind of locks it's going to be.

Oh, you did the old West thing, but you did like the... Like cell phone.

I didn't mean to do that. I meant to do that.

The time of the beep is 1882.

Okay, now all three of us are in a standoff. What are we talking about? What is this?

That's like the standoff sound, right?

Oh, there it is. See, I don't know anything. I'm not a comedian.

All those old-timey, rough-and-tumble Western guys who were always fighting over whether it was locks or locks or locks for love. Yeah, yeah. Or it could be the hair locks. I showed up to Locks for Love with 42 pounds of Atlantic wild salmon and was laughed out of the warehouse. Said, no little girl wants to wear that on her head. I said, all right.

No little girl wants to wear 42 pounds of wild-caught Alaskan salmon?

Okay, check out my fourth grade photo and say that again.

Hold on. All 42 pounds is not for one kid.

What? Two kids are going to show up to school with the same salmon haircut? Humiliating. Actually, you're right.

I think this is officially, and we're not even done yet, the most unhinged Hey Riddle Riddle opening we've done.

Officially.

Officially.

Like a snake's jaw. I'm always saying we're like a snake's jaw. My favorite Valentine when I was a kid, and this is pre-Aaron and JPC, and pre-Aaron and JPC can still get painted, was there were Michael Jordan Valentines when I was a youngin'. And oh, what a thrill. When you open up a Valentine, it might have been like Doug Funny being like, or Skeeter being like, Skeet her, I hardly know her, with a heart.

No, no, Adal, would that be? That wouldn't be on there.

Well, I went to a pretty raunchy grade school, but then every once in a while, you'd open up a Valentine and it's Michael Jordan dunking. And it'd be like, your love is a slam dunk or something, which as a, I don't know, seven, eight year old, I didn't need to be getting all these loves and hearts and everything. But it was such a thrill to have a Michael Jordan Valentine.

You don't think everyone in your class actually loved you, right? A very specific kind of childhood stress is you're sitting at your dining room table, you had just gone to CVS with your mom, and you picked out the Valentine's cards you're bringing to your class.

You're on a roll, you're just going down the list of everyone in your class, and then you get to your crush. And then you go, what do I do? What do I do? Do I give him a heavy handed one? Do I really show up for him in a way that is lovely? Do I give him like a buddy one? Do I try to make sure he's a super masculine so I don't insult his masculinity? Like, how do I approach this? How far in do I go? What do I do? What do I do? I just remember being deeply stressed in a flop sweat at a dining room table as a 10-year-old.

Well, Erin, here's the thing. 20-some years later, JPC, your older brothers JPC and I, are here to help you. What's the kid's name? Who's 10-year-old Erin crushing on?

Describe this kid. Probably would have been Andrew.

Chain wallet, baggy zinco jeans, chain wallet.

No, he was like a little shorter than me and funny and a nerd. He ended up being my prom date senior year. He was very funny, very cool.

Erin and all worked out. Did you close?

No, we never were romantically interested in each other after third grade.

Erin ABC.

I'm sorry.

Always be closing. Not to jump too far ahead into the future, but obviously this is Hey Riddle Riddle. It's a podcast where we do riddles. I'm JPC. That's Adal. That's Erin. This is your first episode.

Whoa.

Yeah, what are you doing? It's Valentine's Day. It's your first episode of a riddle podcast. You got to do a life check. This is a life check for you. A life heart. But did you guys do in when you went to like, I don't know, junior high, maybe even high school, I think it was high school for us, where one of the things you could do on Valentine's Day was buy people like singing telegrams that like with the choir, like, I think it was a choir or something. Not choir. Did we have a choir? Music? Something? Band? I don't know if it was band. Some singing thing would go to classes and you could like pay money for people to do like singing Valentines to people.

I would have loved to have been one of those singing Valentines, but my school did not have that.

I don't think any school should. It seemed to be horribly embarrassing, but people did it.

Yeah, here's where everything goes wrong, is that in my high school, I think it was high school, the band would do it, or whatever it was, and you write down on a slip of paper like, hey this is Adal, I'm gonna pay $5, you hand a rose to someone and sing them a little song and it's like from your secret admirer. Yeah. But here's the thing is, the kids who are running that have the knowledge. Yes. They know I wrote that. It's all anonymous except those band kids have that knowledge, and you better believe they're holding on to it.

Huh, I wonder if I should give, like, secret, um, dramatic, uh, uh, information to all of the gayest kids in school. I wonder if that's going to spread like fucking wildfire.

Uh, yeah, it will.

We also, we didn't have roses, but we had these, like, candy heart suckers that you could buy people as well. But they were also really fucking good. And, uh, I remember, like, people just- You call them suckers.

I just had this conversation. The Midwest people calling them suckers. Lollipops.

Yeah, they're suckers.

No, they're suckers. Lollipop?

Lollipop is what a little kid in a sailor outfit licks in 1932. It's still the same kind of candy.

It's hard candy on a stick. It's a lollipop. You fools. You Midwest goons. I will beat you up with my fists.

You can't say lollipop without saying, hey mister, and then saying lollipop.

Sucker is awful.

It describes what you do. If you put hard candy in your mouth, you're not going to lollipop it. You're going to suck it.

No, it's awful.

I went to a reacting school. We actually weren't allowed to lollipop. That was against the code of conduct. No lolligagging, no lollipopping. No spaghetti straps, no lollipops.

And you know what, Mr. Ohio in the chat? Mute yourself. Suckers are spherical, lollipops are circular. I'm not listening to anyone from the Midwest anymore. Haven't you heard?

Suckers get sucked. Blow pops were big in my high school.

Oh, I went to a private Catholic school. People were just doing regular blow at my school. So you're Carissa's dad.

All right.

Okay, so I'm old man puzzles for this episode for Valentine's Day week or day. I'm not sure which when this comes out. You forgot to look on Valentine's Day?

Yes.

Oh, wow. Okay, cool.

And Erin, I don't want to be like the men on the internet. I don't want to try and explain to you, but it is called V-Day.

Isn't that when they were on the beach? No, that's D-Day.

You can go to the beach. That's not this. You go to a restaurant, nice restaurant, go to the beach, go to park.

I always go to the beach on V-D-Day and have myself an absolute time. The doctor gives you the news?

Yeah.

And you have to make all those calls? Yeah, I guess you could say I saw some crabs.

Okay, we're having a lot of fun today. I feel it. So, I have two games prepared before we get into riddles. Okay?

Okay. Okay.

One is based, and this is just for anyone who hasn't written out their own fantasy cards.

Oh shit, based.

Awesome. Based on the famous poem, Roses are red, violets are blue, the honey is sweet and so are you.

Okay.

You've heard of that, right? I'm familiar. A little rhyming poem.

I've never heard that version of it.

Okay. Is that Keats?

Yeats.

Yeats.

Is that Yeats?

Keats? Yeats?

I heard Adidas canceled their Yeats collab. Is that Lord Byron? Yeats by Dre?

Yeah, that's Lord Byron. So these are for, again, people, if you haven't written your Valentine's Day to your spouse card.

Too late. You're too late.

You're too late. But here are some rhyming poems for you. I'm going to give the first part, and then you guys need to give me the second half, the rhyming.

Okay.

So I'll give you essentially like the roses are red, violets are blue part, and then you have to fill in after it.

Isn't the first half always the same? Isn't it the first half always roses or red violets or blue?

I got different ones.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

Sunsets are pink. Oceans are blue.

I fucked a minion and so did Gru.

We don't know that he did.

And we're just practicing right now, right, Erin? This won't make it? This won't make it in the episode?

Did you fuck the same minion that Gru fucked? Because there's a lot of them.

Looking at my counsel, he's shaking his head.

How could you tell? I watched the first 15 minutes of Despicable Me the other day. Why? Because I had never seen it, and we... Mariah loves the Minions, and I've never seen a single Minion's property, so we put it on, but we can't watch a full movie anymore, and so I only got about 15 minutes, and I was also watching it with the sound off and the sub-pedals on.

I would say enjoy it with a red wine and a filet mignon. These things are so tender. I don't know what Gru puts in them. These things are so tender.

You're grilling mignons?

Wait, you're not?

What are you doing? If you're steaming them, Erin, you're losing flavor. No, I'm not. You're losing flavor on the table.

I'm losing nutrients when I grill them.

Honestly, you're losing nutrients if you cook them at all. You gotta eat raw menu, that's the only way to do it.

You know you're not supposed to microwave them, right? You know, everyone knows.

You can microwave them, you just have to take the clothes off. Don't microwave them with the clothes. Well hold on, do you leave the goggles on?

Do you leave the goggles on? Are you going to eat the eyes?

I do have a cookbook coming out. It's called Filet Mignon. Please hit me up. The recipes are coming out.

I've been putting them in smoothies because I'm on the go.

Yeah. You lose all the fiber though.

I know that.

Why am I eating a mignon if I'm not getting fiber? Honestly, you can blitz your memes, but just also do Metamucil. Like, do something that will give you some light. Or Miralax. Because you're going to be constipated. By day three of eating Mignon smoothies, you're going to be constipated like all get up.

All those overalls working their way through your system. There's so many ways to cook a minion.

It sounds like we're joking, but open our freezers and it's a bunch of minions.

They keep six months in the freezer, three weeks in the fridge. And I can play like this because I watched the first 15 minutes, so I understand about the Minions now.

You're getting it.

Erin, very quickly, I do want to say, open my fridge, look around, it's a bunch of Minions.

Thank you.

Had to Santanify it.

Ooh, what episode is this?

300?

400? We have arrived at eating minions.

Is it a thing with the minions where they always serve, right? They always serve like the most evil person. Is that how the minions work?

Yeah, they like flock to the most evil.

So which one of us do you think that the Minions would flock to? JPC. JPC. Come on! Thank you! I wasn't fishing for it.

You were fully fishing for it. You fish for Minions? That was the most fishing I've ever seen. JPC was doing the little Shirley Temple smile. He was like, I don't know. What kind of evil in people do you think maybe they would want to be around?

Uh-oh, Erin. Making me hungry for a lollipop.

Yep. What were we doing?

We were big. We did a poem.

Oh my god, okay, I completely forgot. How did we only get through one and then we talked about eating minions for seven minutes? Oh, my head. Okay. Laughter echoes, joy cascades.

Now it's time for Animal Parade.

A minion in potato dressing. A minion with au gratin sauce.

A minion in a chopped salad.

A minion twice baked. A minion salad with a minionette. A minion in a spit with an apple in its mouth.

Animal Parade! Animal Parade! Alright, we did not have an Animal Parade ready, at the go, but since Erin queued us up for it, let's see if I'm going to do... Did I? Yes, absolutely. I'm going to do Minions, and then I'm going to go to News, and see... Okay, every Despicable Me and Minions movie ranked from least to most popular. And just 100% this page is just full of fucking pop-up ads, of course. Okay. Whoa, a fourth Despicable Me is on the way. AT&T Fiber, not really interested.

Erin, you ever try a Blue Bin Minion?

Oh, so good, but so many calories.

Okay, Despicable Me 4 is, of course, not out yet.

Draw it. Somebody draw it. Actually, draw all of it, everybody. Stop what you're doing at work. Put down your work. Everyone draw a minion being cooked and served in a creative way, and we will post our favorites on Hey Riddle Riddle's Instagram.

Coming in at number five, Minions. Coming in at number four. How does anyone use the internet without just being like, this is too many ads, I just have to put this down. Coming in at number four, Despicable Me 3. Okay, number three, Despicable Me. That's the original, I believe. Yeah.

Okay.

Oh man, can't wait to continue here so I can get to the best Minion. Number two, Despicable Me 2, and of course, the number one Minions movie. You know it, you love it. The Minions, The Rise of Gru.

We should do Thanksgiving, or Minionsgiving. Oh, Thanksgiving. Where we each bring a different minion dish. Yeah. Okay. And I think that's fun.

The only unproblematic way to celebrate Thanksgiving is if you change it to Thanksgiving, you remove it from its colonialist context, and you just eat minion-shaped food with friends. And friends and family and loved ones, and you share a minion-based meal, and that's the America that I want to live in.

Amen. Amen, sister. Okay. Candles Flicker in the Divine.

Candles Flicker in the Divine. I can't eat grapes, but I can drink wine. Big wink.

Love that one.

I would say Candles Flicker in the Divine. More than 8 seconds. Can't post it on Vine.

I love it. I think it's six seconds, though.

Well, yeah, but if it's more than eight, then it's also true. It's not like I said more than five, you know?

Yeah, that's true. This one also has the same rhyme, so you can also maybe make it about Vine again. Maybe? Okay, great. Let's see. Music plays, hearts align.

Music plays, hearts align. I'm having some pain in my neck. Can you readjust my spine?

Beautiful Valentine's card.

Music plays, hearts align. Oh, you don't like me? I guess that's fine. Oh, an aggressive Valentine's Day. Yeah, it's the aggressive Valentine's Day rejection.

I love it. Dreams take flight, stories unfold.

I'm pretty young. You're getting old. All right, all right, all right. That's for teacher. That's for teacher. That's for teacher.

That's for teacher. That's for teacher. Coffee is hot, mornings are cold. Did I do that one?

No, but we have a similar rhyme, but coffee is hot, mornings are cold. You remind me of this bread all covered in mold. That's also for teacher. We did two back-to-back ones for teacher.

All right, let's see. What about this one? Is this for teacher? Birds in flight through the storm.

I think I have frostbite. My body's so warm. Because when you go into hypothermia, you actually feel warm and you take your clothes off. Oh, that's true. Night has taught us anything.

Give it to me one more time, Erin.

Birds in flight through the storm.

Another Valentine's Day spent with internet porn.

Aww.

PORM! PORM.

Chicken Porm.

Chicken Porm. When Porm doesn't quite do it for you anymore.

PORM. Porn for men. That's really funny.

Moonlight beams, shadows dance.

When we get older, let's get in these pants. That's for teacher.

That's for teacher. Yeah, that's for teacher. It's important when you're younger to make sex plans for when you're older, too.

Sex plans are very- Yikes!

Or you could do a- Erin, give me the first two lines one more time. Yes.

Moonlight beam, shadows dance.

Parlez-vous, I speak France?

Love it. Fire is warm, stories are told.

You can't celebrate you're only one day old. Aww.

Hmm.

I don't think, I don't think, um, I'll go ahead and say it. I don't think Valentine's Day is a holiday appropriate for newborns.

Yeah, newborns, I think, if I'm checking- You can love a newborn. What? If I'm checking baby.com, I think they're only supposed to celebrate Arbor Day and Honda Days. Arbor Day. And Honda Days.

And Thanksgiving, of course. And Thanksgiving, that's right.

And we'll end on this one.

Okay.

Mountains are high, valleys are low.

Hey, does anyone know where I can score some blow? And Erin, can you give that reading one more time?

Mountains are high, valleys are low.

I'm ready for riddles. Let's get into the show. Okay, so this is let me actually copy paste this really quick to make it easier for me This game is called set me up Okay, okay

And you two, we're going to do a little bracket and you're going to set me up with real or fictional men. The list has both.

I like the emphasis on real dot dot dot or fictional. Can I ask a quick question before we start? Which one is Charlie Hunnam?

None of them.

He sings the song?

But actually all three of you, I trust you with knowing my taste in men and who I should be set up with.

All three of us? Me, Adal, and Charlie Hunnam?

No, you three can add to the chat some names that you would like to add. So who would you like me to add to the list before we begin?

Okay. Erin, immediately, and I'll let you choose, either Brad Garrett or whoever he plays in Everybody Loves Raymond. Either his character or the actor.

Thank you.

Okay. I get to add one, and it can be fictional, that I think would be a good suited match for Erin.

Or a real person.

Or a real person that I think would be a good suited match for Erin.

Casey, you're awfully quiet. Are you mad about me yelling at you and calling you a Midwest goon?

Okay, Erin, I'm going to pick the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood.

Thank you!

A classic. Yeah. But to be clear, I think that cartoon fox, Robin Hood, that's not just good for Erin. That's like a universal donor.

Good for the goose, good for the gander, yeah.

Casey?

Casey, you have to pick something.

Casey has nothing to add.

It wasn't Charlie Hunnam that she was talking to, Casey. She was talking to you. You have to pick.

That's fine. If you don't think I'm worthy of love, I'll be alone forever.

If it's someone from, he said, sorry, my cat was knocking shit over for real. So I guess Casey's cat is who he picked.

All right. Casey.

It was either going to be Casey's cat or someone from Neoscum, so you pretty much lucked out with that.

Sweet.

Casey selects Ronan Cumjumper.

Okay. Your first matchup, and we can go through these quick and we might need to take a break in between. All right. Ready?

Okay. Yes.

Aragorn from Lord of the Rings or Batman.

Ooh, I'm going to say Aragorn.

I mean, from everything I know about these two, Aragorn is a better partner. Batman's only partner is the knight or fighting crime. Robin. Not even Robin. I don't even think he treats Robin really like a partner. That's more like a sidekick relationship.

I got to go Aragorn. It's like a garnish.

Robin's a garnish. Yeah.

Lando Kerrizian, Karl Rizzian, or Marlon Brando and Geisendahl.

Gotta go with Lando. Lando vs. Brando? Erin, Lando v. Brando? It's gotta be Lando.

Can you believe they went 5-4 on Lando v. Brando? Overturning centuries of precedent. I gotta go Lando as well. I don't think Lando's a good match for you, Erin, but I'm gonna go Lando as well.

Okay, thanks. Lil Monkey Bones or Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing?

Lil Monkey Bones. Lil Monkey Bones. Bye, Denzel. Erin, I would be so good for you, I'm taking. And Lil' Monkey Bones is a perfect clone of me. So, vis-a-vis, I gotta put my money on myself.

Oh no, Lil' Monkey Bones is gonna try to fix me. Finnick O'Dare from The Hunger Games or Indiana Jones, but only when he's teaching.

Erin, can you tell me who plays Finnick O'Dare?

Sam Claflin or something? I'm not sure of the actor. Wow.

None of that helps me. With zero makeup kit.

He, I don't know what else he's been in. I can't think of anything else he's been in. Oh, he was in Daisy Jones and the Six.

Daisy Jones, Indiana Jones. Erin, I see what you're doing here.

Jones v. Jones.

I'm going to go with Professor Jones.

Thank you. I'm going to go, wow, my problem here is that both of these people kill people. And I don't necessarily know that that level of hyperviolence is going to be appropriate for you, Erin. Go ahead, Adal.

I just realized something. This is nothing. I was going to wait till you're done. Erin, is the Aqua song Dr. Jones about Indiana Jones? Dr. Jones, Jones, you're my Dr. Jones.

I have to go with, I guess I have to go with Indiana Jones because the other person, I don't know the actor, I don't know the character, and I know nothing about any of it. So we have to go with the one I know.

I have no idea. I Googled it and I can't find it. I fucking love that song. Baby, I've been missing you. I want you by my side.

By far the best song. By far.

Yeah, that was the best. By far the best song? Yes.

By far? By far.

By far.

JPC, just like, just like by far, by far, Darwin is the best minion. There's Bob, Carl, Darwin, Dave, Frank, Jerry, John, and Kevin. Huh? And you do not want to hear their descriptors.

Check the show description for our favorite Minion recipes. You can check. They're not there, but you can check. I should have said a Lemon Minigret.

Minion Grit. Lemon Minion Grit. Oh no, Adal, this is going to be the rest of your day. Oh no.

Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Riddle Rid I'm trying to be better in 2024. But I also don't want to like work that hard. I want to like spend about like 10 minutes a day and have it be really fun and intuitive.

Oh, babble, babble, babble, babble, babble, babble.

Yeah, babble. So any ideas of what I could do to sort of like expand my mind?

Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin. Babble, babble. I'm recommending to you babble. The best way to learn a language? Immersion. Erin, living where the language is spoken and using it every day. But if that's not in the cards this year, which it sounds like it's not for you, you can still learn a language. The second best way, and that's with Babbel.

Yeah, Babbel is designed by real people for real conversations, Erin. It's quick 10-minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. I gotta be honest with you, I gotta get my baby on Babbel, because I can't understand a thing the baby says. It's all blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, what are you? I'm getting Babbel for the baby. I'm getting Babbel for the baby.

Don't you mean your habibi? That's a second language. Habibi, je ne sais quoi.

Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. So if you're going to France, they're going to teach you how to be like, oui, oui, oui, croissant, and all the other fun stuff.

That can't be right. All right. Plus, Babbel has this really cool speech recognition technology that I really enjoy when I'm trying out learning a language because it helps you improve your pronunciation while you're doing it. So not only are you learning the language, but you're learning, like, conversationally how to speak the language.

And studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others continue to prove Babbel is better. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. And Erin, I've been taking Babbel's Erin Keif course. Let me see if... Hey, hi, it's me, Erin Keif.

Oh, that's amazing.

Indistinguishable. Babbel has over 16 million subscriptions sold, plus all of Babbel's 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee.

Ooh la la.

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Thank you, JPC. It's me, Erin.

English.

Oh my gosh. That was Erin. That was Erin. I recognized it. I finally understood you, Adal. I haven't understood a word you've said in so many years. We're both crying.

This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Hey Adal, hey Erin, you know how I was telling you guys that I was in big trouble because I was falling into like an eternal sleep and I don't think that I would be able to wake up until I got true love's kiss?

Yeah?

Yeah. So I found a- I mean, I'm up. This isn't a dream. Obviously I found a workaround. Yeah. Who was it? No, no, no, no. So I got a Helix mattress. Oh.

Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, fantastic. My favorite.

It turns out I was not in a situation where I was in eternal sleep and I couldn't wake up until true love. I was just sleeping really, really bad. It was like, yeah, my elbows were everywhere. I was not actually sleeping very good at all. I woke up and my back hurt. Helix mattress fixed all of that.

GPC. Mm-hmm. This is crazy because I have a Helix mattress and it's the best thing ever. And when I have friends come and stay with me, they say it's the best night's sleep they've ever had. I have the Midnight Luxe and I'm in love with it. I love it so much.

I also have a Helix sleep mattress. It's my favorite bed I've ever owned. Myself, my wife, our cats, we can't stop sleeping on this thing, laying on it. It's so comfortable. I read on it at night. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection, the newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. So there's surely one you'll fall in love with that's your true love.

So you both are familiar with Helix mattresses. I kind of just wish you had told me about this earlier because I did try kissing a lot of stuff first to try to see if that was... Oopsies.

And Helix knows there's no better way to test out your mattress than sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100 night trial and a 10 to 15 year warranty to try out your new Helix mattress.

Wait, you can sleep on this in your home? Where have you been sleeping?

Forest. Oh, like a sleeping beauty situation?

Well, just like you, everybody is unique and everyone sleeps differently, and that's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences.

Also, JPC, I'm a little upset. I paid for Kelsey Grammer to come kiss you and I never got a thank you or anything.

Okay, that's who that was. That makes so much sense. I can't believe I kissed the guy from Money Plane. That's your reference point? That's the only thing he's ever done, right?

When talking about Helix, don't just take our word for it or Kelsey Grammer's kisses. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It is even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. You, JP specifically.

Okay, well right now Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Oh no, they have pillows too? Ugh, I've been sleeping on bark in the forest. Anyway, go to helixsleep.com slash riddle and use code helixpartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

Oh, JPC, you put out your finger and all the birds of the forest flock to your finger.

Incredible.

They're about to start pooping though. It's going to be a real mess. Oh, your figure. Oh, I see. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Thank you for coming into my shelter here. Let me shut this bank vault door. Listen, as you can tell from all the red string and the corkboard, I have decided- Completely silent bank vault door.

I've never seen one that silent.

It's huge. Thank you so much. I've decided that space, as we know it, is actually square.

Really regretting coming out of this bank vault. Adal, are you sure you're not just thinking of Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand? You know Squarespace, the one that makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms?

Oh, maybe I am thinking of that. Wait, which one has an online store where you can sell your products online, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products? Is that Squarespace? They have the tools you need to start selling online?

Both? Definitely Squarespace. Definitely Squarespace, but also we have to keep digging because it could be also both.

Could be space that's squared.

And you can upload, organize, and access all your content in one place. With the new asset library, you're able to manage all your files from one central hub and use them across the Squarespace platform.

But don't take it from us. Take it from someone we know has lived in the space that is Square. Welcome alien spokesman, Lil Monkey Bones.

Hey everybody, it's Little Monkey Bones. Thank you so much for having me on your commercial. Cut the mic. Cut the mic. Cut the mic? Okay, I'm gonna get my big scissors out and... Oh, this is expensive. This is very expensive.

Little Monkey Bones, you want to tell us about the custom merch?

I'd love to. First of all, you can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. Design your products and production, inventory, and shipping are handled for you. Save you time and monkey. Hold on. Casey, can we... Casey, can we... I said monkey. Can we say money instead? Is there... Do you need me to say monkey clean?

You're being so professional, little monkey bones. We're so proud of you.

It's me, Little Money Bones. What am I doing? What is going on?

Oh boy. Well, I fed him after midnight, Erin. Anyway, you all should head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Squarespace.com. I'm Little Money Bones.

We are back from the break, and I just realized that these two nerds are both wearing Hey Riddle Riddle merch. JPC has a Women Be Hummus t-shirt on.

A t-shirt that I can only wear in my home.

And Adal has a Baby Baby Crab Ragoon sweatshirt on that looks rather cozy. I am not wearing Hey Riddle Riddle merch, and I feel a fool.

Tell Erin, who are you wearing?

I'm wearing something I got from Buffalo Exchange a week ago.

Why are we talking about Buffalo Exchange, Erin? You should be looking in the comments. Go to the episode description where we have all of our favorite Minion recipes. And also there's a link to our merch as you can get some of these cool t-shirts that you can't see. We've obviously purchased them.

They'll be riddles this episode, but we gotta get through this first. They're setting me up with my husband.

I wonder, this is actually something that I would love people to let us know about. Now, if you let us know about it on social media, I'll never see it, but you could let us know about it, like the Discord, I guess. I wonder if there is a person who has more Hey Riddle Riddle merch than the three of us. Because I think I probably have, like, at least seven, maybe seven items of Hey Riddle Riddle merch.

I have six or seven.

I wonder. And I don't want you to go try to beat it, but I do wonder if there's just a person who organically has it.

So vie for our number one fan by letting us know how many pieces of merch you have. We will send that person, I guess, a new piece of merch? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, we'll send you a piece of merch. Why not? If you have the most, we'll send you more.

The next matchup is Edward Cullen and Mr. Darcy. Do the right thing, you guys.

Who's Edward Cullen again? That's from Twilight? Twilight. Or Mr. Darcy. Is there anything that says they aren't the same person, just 150 years has passed?

That's a good point. No, they're different. They're different.

Erin, I want to say Mr. Darcy. Erin, you're anemic and you play the piano forte. And I know, again, they're from different properties.

This is the weirdest girl math I've ever seen, ever.

They're from different worlds. Louisa May Alcott wrote Sense and Sensibility. And Pride and Prejudice.

And the other one is Edward Cullen? I've never seen The Twilight, and I've never read a book of Twilight, but I don't think he's a good guy, right? I'm gonna go Mr. Darcy.

Thank you. JBC, you agree?

Okay, I'll give you Mr. Darcy. I'll give you Mr. Darcy, but I just, again, I don't know anything about Edward Cullen. I have at least read Little Women.

Good for you. John Wick vs. Theo James, the actor, not his characters. Theo James is the incredibly hot actor.

He's from White Lotus, is that right? Season 2? Okay.

And from Divergent.

I don't know what Theo James looks like. I can't give John Wick. John Wick, again, is a murderer and he doesn't really talk. And so, I will give you, oh yeah, Theo James. Oh yeah, wow, look at this guy. What a cutie. Yeah, Theo James, you can take him.

I'm gonna say John Wick.

Okay, Casey, you have to be the tiebreaker.

This is great because I'm looking at Theo- Don't think about it, Casey. I'm looking at Theo James' IMDB right now and I'm like, this guy is so handsome, but it does not look like he's ever been in anything good.

Yeah.

That's such a bummer. Well, it happens.

Casey said John Wick, so.

If John Wick 4 is to be believed, and I think it is, there's a moment where they put out like an APB. They're like, all assassins, the John Wick bounty is up to like $2 million. He's walking through like the streets of Paris or something. As that APB goes out, I want to say 95% of the people on the street and cafes and in stores and in cars get up and go to kill John Wick. So Erin, 95% of the world is secret assassins. Probably two of the three of us are a secret assassin, which means, Erin, you need protection. So John Wick.

95%.

Adal, it would be you. I know you were fishing for that. You would be the secret assassin.

That's all I want.

Flynn Rider from Tangled or Dev Patel.

I'm going to say Dev Patel. I'll say Dev Patel. Selfishly.

Yeah, I'd love to meet Dev Patel.

I want to sit across from him on a double date.

I don't remember Flynn Rider. I don't remember... Tangled is the one with the really curly hair.

Yeah, he's like round and curly. No, that's brave. Yeah. No, Tangled is the long blonde Rapunzel hair. No.

And he's like a thief. Maybe didn't see it. Maybe didn't see it. So I'll go with Dev Patel.

You will soon. All these kids' movies are coming at you, JP. You can't avoid them long. Paul Newman or Pacey from Dawson's Creek?

Newman. Erin, unlimited salad dressing?

Hmm. Erin, can you tell me the actor that plays Pacey from Dawson's Creek?

Joshua Jackson.

Don't know why I asked. Did nothing for me. We'll go Dr. Salads.

Okay. But for the record, Pacey from Dawson's Creek is exactly my type. So if you look like that, you know where to find me. Do they?

Do they know where to find you?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Oh, how did he? That's so weird. How did he get in here? Denzel Washington and much ado about nothing. Whoa, sorry, guys. The security on this list is not good. I guess anyone can just rewalk back in here. And a glass of orange juice.

Glass of orange juice.

No.

Yeah, glass of orange juice. Hands down, cold glass of orange juice. Hot, even, would be good. I did it so it would have to... Hey, Erin, you should never have put glass of orange juice in this because glass of orange juice is going all the way, baby.

Jimmy Fallon in Fever Pitch or Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. I've never seen it. I don't know anything about it.

Erin, you made this bracket.

Yeah, but I didn't give myself all good ones. I did random men, fictional men.

I'll do Kevin Nealon in Female Pitch or whatever you said.

Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon. Kevin Nealon in Pitch Perfect.

No, it's not Kevin Nealon in Pitch Perfect.

I'll do Kevin Nealon in Pitch Perfect, final answer.

That might be the name of the episode though.

I don't want you to have to wake up listening to Jimmy Fallon crooning, I'm an idiot and I'm your boyfriend. So I'm going to go with whatever the other choice was. Kevin Costner and Bull Durham.

Bull Durham, yeah. That's the baseball movie? Yeah. If it's a sports movie or a kids movie, chances are I've never seen it.

Okay. I hope that's good. I hope that's not problematic because none of us know. Lee Shang from Mulan or 90s Dermot Mulroney.

I'm a big 90s Dermot Mulroney fan, so I'm gonna have to go with... but honestly, Erin, I'll give you any age Dermot Mulroney because... Okay. That man has aged like a fine minion wine.

Yeah, I'll go with Dermot Mulroney.

Great. Great. Plus, it would be kind of hard to have sex with a cartoon, so I appreciate that.

Not if you're doing it right. I think it'd be soft.

2D. Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused or Mr. Tumnus?

I wish I hadn't let 2D slide by so fast. Well, now that sex is on the table, I'm going to take Tumnus for sure.

Looks like sex is back on the table, boys. I'm going to go Mr. Tumnus.

Okay. TPC?

I think he's a good listener. Tumnus, Tumnus.

Great. Henry Cavill in that scene from Mission Impossible, you know the one, the bathroom one, when he does this. My favorite thing a man has ever done.

He cocks his arms.

That is the crown jewel of masculinity, is that moment.

Arms as guns.

Or Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail.

Tom Hanks. Hanks, because you want Cavill too bad. Yeah. No I don't. It would be a lopsided relationship. Lopsided.

Um, whoa, wait, what? This is crazy.

Orange juice, glass of orange juice, Denzel Washington. Is Denzel Washington back here?

Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing, the 90s one with Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson, and Keanu Reeves is in that one too, and Denzel Washington's in it, and he's so sexy.

That's back on here.

Whoa, did you guys see that happen? I didn't see it. What the heck? Or Brad Garrett on Everybody Loves Raymond.

Garrett. No! Everybody loves Aaron. Aaron, he's tall. He's got money. He has the popcorn. I believe he makes popcorn. He has a stand-up club in Vegas.

At the MGM Grand, Brad Garrett's comedy round.

He does Jimmy John's ads at some point, as like a mafioso.

I will continue on, but I need everybody, and that includes you, listening to Google Image, Denzel Washington in much ado about nothing, or watch a short clip of him walking around Just watch for the love of God.

Erin, we're not saying he's not a smokestack and a total catch. We're saying this is someone we're picking for you. You don't think he would like me? No, I don't think so, Erin. I think you're a little too much woman for him.

And I'm, oh, I'm a little too much woman for orange juice, I think. Motherfuckers. All right, Brad Garrett moves on.

And Erin, I'm looking it up here. Okay, let me just type this here. And my records show that, I want to say 13 episodes ago, you were panicking that you weren't doing enough riddles in your episodes.

Was that me?

No. I like the new Erin. I think this new Erin's great.

I was brunette then. I was different.

I fully support any single one of us just hijacking an episode to do whatever the fuck you want. It's Valentine's Day, it's special.

I'm going to do a little, we will definitely have time to do like four to six Valentine's Day themed riddles at the end. Everyone, it's okay.

We're okay.

Bitch, I don't care how many riddles we get to.

There's no bigger riddle in life than figuring out who your heart fits with.

Thank you, Adal.

That's right. And Erin, for you, it's a big glass of orange juice.

And if you're listening to this and you're in a relationship, you're married, you're married to your job, for most of our listeners that would be like being married to grad school I guess, big mistake. You know what? Calm down. This one's not for you, okay? You just enjoy your shit that you got going on. You got bliss happening over there. We're working. We're working here.

I listened to Hey Riddle Riddle today, and they're not doing riddles anymore. They're just giving out delicious recipes for minions. Oh, my favorite Riddle podcast doesn't have any more brain teasers.

They just have appetizers of how to eat minions. That's what you sound like, you fucking fools.

JC, are you okay? You said appetizers?

I honestly didn't know where I was going with it until I hit appetizers.

Okay, Cartoon Fox Robin Hood or Casey's Cat. Do the right thing, you guys.

Cartoon Fox Robin Hood. I gotta say, Casey's Cat is too wild for you, Erin. I think that cat's too much woman for you.

Do the right thing, Casey. Do the right thing. Robin Hood, thank you.

Casey secretly hates his cat. His cat eating the phone, eating the mic, eating all the cords.

All right, Aragorn or Lando Calrissian?

Aragorn. Aragorn. Aragorn a better match.

Because, Erin, then you would be queen.

That's true. Oh, Jesus. Little Monkey Bones or Indiana Jones, but only when he's teaching.

Erin, Erin, here's what I'm going to say. Little Monkey Bones and Indiana Jones were standing in a fountain. Lightning hit. They became Little Monkey Jones.

Adal, I'm fragile right now. Don't do this, Adal, I'm fragile. Adal, I'm at my lowest. Adal, look at what I'm doing on a Riddle podcast right now. I'm already down, don't kick me further.

Hold on. Erin, it seems like we have Little Monkey Jones here, which again is a combination of Little Monkey Bones and Indiana Jones. Little Monkey Jones, do you mind saying your famous phrase, but in Latin, Jehovah starts with a I?

I hate snakes! Okay, I don't know what your answer to that was. It's Little Monkey Jones.

Erin, here's the thing. I thought about it, I think that this is like super weirdly breaking the rules, but you did specifically say it's Indiana Jones only when he's a professor, and I guess if we're just stripping every other context out of his life, the only thing I know about Indiana Jones as a professor is he's like super hot, super smart, and kind of frazzled. And I think that that's probably good for you. So yeah, I'm gonna go Indiana Jones. Thank you. But you know, if he does all the other stuff where he's like a murderer and a womanizer, I don't know about that for you.

That's why I added only when he's teaching.

Yes. But then it's like, he only exists as like a half a person. I don't get it. Like, Little Monkey Bones is a fully realized person. Got a lot of depth to him. I'll go Indiana Jones.

Erin, I'm trying to think of who you would talk to on the phone for hours, and I think Little Monkey Bones ticks that box. I'm sorry.

I'm a good listener. Because it's just me going, what? Huh? What? What? I listen. Who? All right, Mr. Darcy or John Wick?

Darcy. What if there's a John Wick but set in the Austin-verse? Oh.

That's fun.

We got to see that. Like in Texas?

Mr. Darcy moves forward. Dev Patel or Paul Newman?

Dev. Dev Patel.

Great.

Sorry, I was saying everyone should check out Devs on Hulu. It's Nick Offerman, like you've never seen him.

One season?

One season on Devs, right? One season, one and done.

It was like a one and done thing, yeah.

A glass of orange juice or Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. We've never seen it.

OJ.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to go with the juice on this one. You and OJ.

90s Dermot Mulroney or Mr. Tumnus, Jesus Christ.

Tumnus. Oh, interesting. Casey's gonna have to tie-break this one because I'm Mulroney for life.

Casey.

Dermot Mulroney, Erin, that was the one who was on New Girl, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, good. Yes, and Dylan McDermott was the one who was in like that Boston show about being a lawyer.

Mm-hmm.

Kraft Cheese and Dermot Mulroney.

Yeah, I'm doing Dermot Mulroney. Love that. Love that name. Handsome guy.

He was in my best friend's wedding, right?

Okay.

Casey says, I'm with JPC. Very interesting how he didn't want to try to spell Dermot Mulroney.

Tom Hanks and You've Got Mail or Brad Garrett on Everybody Loves Raymond.

Garrett. By the way, I perfectly got Casey. He said, you got me. Tom Hanks, You've Got Mail.

Casey.

Ooh, I'm the captain now. Tom Hanks moves along.

Thank you. Cartoon Fox of Robin Hood, and holy crap, he's done it again. Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing.

I don't know how he keeps showing up in the second and third round of the record. What's going on here? Cartoon Fox, I would say. Cartoon Fox.

Oh my God. Aragorn or Indiana Jones, but only when he's teaching.

Jones, Dr. Jones.

Oh, Jones.

Yeah, the only one he's teaching thing has got me.

Okay. I think that's the right one.

It's like garbage. I'm only happy when it rains. Yeah. Yeah. The one-to-one.

Perfect. Mr. Darcy or Dev Patel?

Dev. Ooh.

I want to say Darcy.

Casey?

Patel me something good.

One's a real person. Oh, okay.

Wow. Dev Patel moves along.

Mr. Darcy's out. I'm shocked. Damn. I'm not complaining.

I used to be a millionaire. Let's see, does Dev Patel have a partner? Dev Patel married?

And don't Google to see if the glass of orange juice has a partner. I can't take it.

Don't Google Dev Patel shirtless.

Who is Dev Patel's wife? Yeah, I'm sorry. Oh, he does have a wife. Yeah, they've been married since 2017. Oh no.

Okay, a glass of orange juice or 90s Dermot Mulroney.

OJ. Mulroney, Mulroney. Wow.

Casey. Oh my god, the OJ. How did this happen?

Erin, I gotta say, Dev Patel's wife looks just like you.

Shut up.

No, she doesn't. It's pretty unfortunate.

She doesn't.

Spitting, spitting image.

She's spitting?

In every picture, she's spitting. I don't really understand it.

Tom Hanks, we've got mail.

Or cartoon fox Robin Hood. This is a camel. I'm looking at a picture of Dev Patel. I'm going to do Tom Hanks because I just don't know about you in a cartoon. I think the height disparity is going to be a little too much to handle. Okay.

I'm going to go Cartoon Fox.

Oh my gosh, I keep disagreeing.

Okay, Casey has to settle this. I just think Tom Hanks is a bad fit for Erin. Too tall? Well, just Chet because Erin would have to be stepmother to Chet Hanks, which I think is a terrible look.

There are better Tom Hankses. I disagree, but okay. Wow. Robin Hood. Wow, okay.

Robin Hood moves along.

Surprising. All right. One second.

I do Aaron with Tom Hanks from the Terminal.

No thank you.

Always try to return cards to get Burger King for you.

I would say Aaron with Alan Rickman's Sheriff of Nottingham from the Kevin Costner Robin Hood. I think Aaron and Alan Rickman as Robin Hood are a perfect match.

I think Aaron and Hans Gruber. Or Dev Patel.

Indiana Jones. Oh my gosh.

Jones.

Jones. Jones moves along.

A glass of orange juice, Jesus Christ, I made it to the top four, and cartoon Fox Robin Hood.

I gotta go OJ. Erin, believe me when I tell you, I do think the juice is worth the squeeze. I think OJ needs to advance here.

A glass of orange juice or Indiana Jones, but only when he's teaching.

Is this the final? Is this the final?

Kinda.

Kinda. Seems like Erin maybe wants Denzel Washington to get it over with. Whatever happens, Erin's gonna say, you won't believe this, but Denzel Washington... I'm an unpredictable mystery, and no one knows what's going to happen next.

Erin, here's what I think happens. I think Indiana Jones downs that entire glass of cold orange juice, and then gives you a little smile and says, everyone, please take your seats, we're about to begin. I think Indiana Jones moves on.

Hell yeah.

And then he tosses you the Rosetta Stone and goes, found this. I found this in my pants.

Alright, Indiana Jones but only when he's teaching and Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing.

Erin, fuck it. I'll give it to you. Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing.

Erin, fuck it. I'll give it to you. I think you would be absolutely perfect for Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing. So I will vote for Indiana Jones.

Yep, but Indiana Jones takes it. Incredible.

Oh, all the minions are flocking to JPC. Interesting. Yep. They're feeding off his energy.

That's how you don't feed the biggest shitster in the episode. And I'll be feeding off of their energy. No, I don't mind. You know what I'm saying. Google image Indiana Jones when he's a professor and holy crap.

All right, let's do some riddles. Minions as food. Oh, yeah, please. Yeah, we'll do a couple of riddles. I don't mind doing a riddle or two.

I'm at work. Yeah, great. Couple of riddles. Here they come. One second.

Erin's googling image Google search riddles.

Why would you put candy under your pillow?

Hmm. Okay, so this is going to be a Tooth Fairy pun. For the Sweet Tooth Fairy? Oh yeah, Sweet Tooth Fairy. Sweet Tooth Fairy. No, Adal. Sweet Tooth Fairy final answer. What? My man Adal. Erin, my man hit you with Sweet Tooth Fairy.

No. I'm going to go to bed, guys. This sucks. Erin, is it because you're camping?

I see him going to bed. I see him putting a big sucker under his pillow. He's trying to get that Sweet Tooth Fairy.

Erin, is it because you're camping and if you put candy under your pillow, the bears will go for that first?

No.

Is it because you're trick-or-treating, Erin, and you're trying to make it look like you got more candy than you did, so you put a pillow in the pillowcase that you're using to collect candy as well, and so... Valentine's Day episode. Okay. So yes or no is all I needed.

Why would you put candy under your pillow?

Oh, Erin, is it because you want to have sweet dreams?

Goddamn it, that's it.

Sweet dreams are made all day.

What can be touched but can't be seen?

Nathan Fielder's penis in the A24 TV production The Curse?

No.

Spoiler for The Curse, maybe. I don't know. Could be. I don't know. What can be touched but can't be seen? I don't know, like your heart?

Yeah, someone's heart. What did the piece of gum say to their valentine?

You lost your flavor. I choose you. Ooh, I choose you. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Why did the banana go out with the fig?

The fig? Because he wanted a date.

Because he couldn't get a date.

I do love that people who waited for almost an hour would be like, they're going to do some riddles. And what we're doing is Valentine's Day cards.

That's all what riddles are. Half riddles are these. Yeah, that's right. These are very nice riddles. What did the paperclip say to the magnet?

I'm stuck on you.

I see you're trying to write a love form letter.

Maybe I could... I'm pulled towards you. You hold me together. I'm stuck on you.

I find you very attractive.

Yes, yes, yes. You fucked up my spine. Watch out, magneto's behind you.

What did the pepperoni say to its valentine?

I cheese you.

What did the pepperoni say to its valentine? Okay, what do we know about pepperoni? Pepperoni, that's like a... It's sausage, right?

It's like a type of... cured ham. Pepperoni. Oh, charcuterie. You're looking charcute to me. You're looking charcute to me. That would be cute. This is what the pepperoni said to their valentine?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, topping, you topping me tonight?

Nope, it's you've got a pizza my heart, piece of my heart.

I think they probably could have said you toppin' me tonight.

Alright, on that note, let's do a voicemail.

Why wouldn't it be you toppin' me tonight? You toppin' to me?

Yeah, we should probably just go ahead and do a voicemail.

Un-fucking-believable. Hug it.

That was from Matthew. Matthew's a long-time listener, first-time emailer. Here's a voicemail theme that's been haunting me. I'm not the best at singing or audio engineering, so it might be a little rough around the edges. Thank you, and I'm sorry. Matthew, I said normally- No, thank you. I told Matthew, normally I'm a stickler for that 30 seconds or less rule, but I really like this one.

So thank you, Matthew. You did a great job. Un-fucking-believable. That's going to be my new ringtone, even though I don't use ringtones. What if we did Screamsgiving? Thanks, Screaming.

Let's hear that voicemail.

Hey Blue Crew, this is Matt Romeo from Ohio. You know, the guy who made the weird puppets of you guys. Yes. Anyway, my wife and I are expecting our first child. Some St. Patrick's Day. A bouncing baby boy. Anyway, we cannot figure out what to name this child. We figured you guys would have some good ideas. We'll accept anything you guys come up with. Love the show. Bye.

Thank you, Matt, and thank you for the puppets. I think you're a little confused because Matt said we're having our first child come St. Patrick's Day. If that's when you came, I think you're hopeful but it hasn't come to fruition.

Also, did Matt just say, we'll accept anything that you guys pick? Do we have final cut on this? Puppet.

Full authority. Puppet.

Also, the last name is Romeo, so can we do something with that? What about Otis?

Otis Romeo. Otis Romeo? What's the pun there?

Oh, are we trying to do a pun or name a human?

It's Romeo, so I was like, can we name this maybe Mercutio? Could it be like Mercutio, Juliet, Romeo?

What about, of course, Romeo, a Shakespeare character. Erin, Denzel Washington in Much Ado About Nothing. What if we call this kid a do-Romeo?

Well, who did Denzel Washington play in Much Ado About Nothing?

You don't even know? You're asking me?

That's her husband.

Who did he play?

Oh, what if we make Matt Romeo name his son Denzel? Denzel Romeo?

What about Theodore, and you can call him Teddy? Teddy Romeo?

Teddy Romeo? That's a fun, that sounds like a news anchor.

Teddy Romeo sounds like he owns like three Manhattan restaurants. Oh, this is a Teddy Romeo place.

How are we enjoying the meal? Have we dined here before? Nobody steals from a Teddy Romeo casino. Well famously, in the play, we say, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? So what if the kid's name is Romeo, Romeo?

I like Romeo, Romeo. But then you have to have a cool middle name. Yeah. Like, I'm just spitballing here, Romeo.

Triple R. RRR. One of the best movies of the last five years.

One of the best movies of the last five years. So, your name of your baby is the movie RRR.

What about Reed?

Reed Romeo.

You want to go with some alliteration with like Reed Romeo?

Mm-hmm.

Well, wouldn't people be like, Reed Romeo? Do you mean Reed Romeo in Juliet, the play? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, what about this? Ricky. Ricky Romeo. Ricky Romeo. No. Ricky Romeo sounds like a wide receiver.

I literally was about to say it sounds like a point guard for the Suns.

Okay, cool. Then I like it.

Ricky Romeo.

I feel like I want a cute little short name.

Adieu. Erin, Adieu. Adieu. Adieu, Erin. Adieu. It's both French for goodbye and ADO.

Hmm. Wait, so you think adieu is spelled A-D-O?

It can be.

Well, if you just say it.

It's fun because someone's like, what's your name? And you might be like, adieu. And they're like, oh, goodbye. What an asshole. Or they might be like, oh, that's your date.

I took Italian in college and ciao is like, you know, ciao is like goodbye in Italian. But I would always say, ciao. Ciao. Ciao bella.

Ciao bella.

You spell it. That's how you say it. You spell it.

Noah, Romeo, Bowen, Romeo.

Erin is actually trying to figure out a name for this show. Is it Romeo Beckham a kid? David Beckham's son is Romeo maybe?

Honestly, Jack is a cute name.

Here's what we have to do. We all have to do our final answers. We're going to give you three options and then you get to pick whichever one of these three options. I'm locked in at Ricky Romeo. I think Ricky Romeo is my locked in. Adal?

I'm gonna go with a do much Romeo. A do much Romeo. I love it.

I'm gonna go with Baz Romeo.

Baz Lerman. And always wear your sunscreen.

No, message me on Instagram and I'll send you a better list of names. Don't pick any of this shit. Don't do any of this shit.

No, no. He said that we have to abide by our decision. You can pick one of those three. That has to be the name of your child. And that's final.

Raul? Like Raul Julia? Raul Romeo?

You can't keep giving Matt all of these outs. And also, Matt, I hope you're partner school with this because you just let three strangers who you made puppets for pick the name of your child. Don't worry, they'll change it when they emancipate themselves from you.

Adal, anything to plug?

Boy oh boy, this came on so fast. I want to plug Letting Us Name Your Kids. I want to plug the first ever Thanks Minion, which will be coming up this November, but not when you think in November. Not when you think. Not when you think. And I want to plug... It's the last Thursday. I want to plug Shoehorning in, Denzel Washington, whenever and wherever you can, Shakira. Erin, is there anything you want to plug or promote?

I would like to plug our Patreon. Lots of good stuff happening over there, patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle. I've been laughing very hard recently on that side of the fence.

Oh good, I was gonna say.

I was gonna ask.

Having a lot of fun over there. And GPC, do you have any reviews to read?

I actually have a couple of plugs. These are two things that I'm not really affiliated with, but I really enjoyed. Recently, I was listening to – and by recently, I mean probably a few weeks ago – I was listening to the podcast Tech Won't Save Us by Paris Marx, and a friend of our pod, Eric Silver, popped up on that show and did an interview about the podcasting industry that I found fascinating. So, it's a – first of all, that's a very good pod, the Tech Won't Save Us pod. It's like a leftist technology podcast. And that's a very good interview. So I think that if you want to check that out, go ahead and do that. And then I also just finished a book called Blood and the Machine at the Origins of the Rebellion Against Big Tech by Brian Merchant, who I also heard give an interview on Tech Won't Save Us, which is an excellent book about the Luddites that I highly recommend. And I got it from my library. And so if you're in Chicago and you want a library copy, mine is on the shelves again. So I think you could probably get it from your library.

Tech Romeo?

Ooh, Tech Romeo, oh my, Mecha, Mecha, Mecha, Mecha Romeo, Mecha God Romeo, Mecha God Romeo, please name your baby Mecha God Romeo.

Uh, Neptune, sorry, I can get out of here. I forgot that I had the kill switch.

I do forever. The kill switch.

Starring Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, Casey Toney does the editing, and Marty Parrish in the music.

I'm in hell.

I'm in hell.

I'm in literal hell.

I'm in Christian hell.

That was a HeadGum podcast.