Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Hello Sharks. I am coming to you with a product. I am looking for $50,000 investment in which you will receive $25,000. Blood. Meat. What was that? Blood. Meat.

I can't stand still. Swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim, swim.

I don't know if I'm on Shark Tank or in a shark tank. I think I'm in a shark tank.

Oh, Adal, you're in the wrong room. I'm so sorry. Sorry, it's this door.

Oh my God. I'm gonna get fired. Oh, I think I'm supposed to be in there. Scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Sorry. That was the wrong shark room. They're all on this floor. Wow. You're going in here.

They weren't in water. That was weird.

Yeah.

That guy was in a full scuba suit. He was just saying scuba.

Yeah, it's a sex thing. Okay. All right. And if you just walk in here.

Actually, actually, oh no, I left my something in there. No, no, it's too late.

They're in the middle of the sex thing.

Blood and meat. Scuba, scuba, scuba, scuba. Blood, meat.

Yeah, blood, meat, scuba, scuba. Get out of here. Come on. Can I watch?

Slam.

Okay, let me just open up this door. Oh, this looks like some sort of... Reality show. Hello, sharks! I am asking for- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Hi. I'm a janitor. I'm sweeping up in here. All the sharks left. They are very protective of their time. What's that?

Just saying you must be brilliant. That's the trope, right? Brilliant janitors?

Do you see a blackboard in here? Fuck. I forgot I was doing math in here earlier. Okay. Yeah. So, yes. I'm actually going to night school, but none of this is correct. You solved for polio? I'm just scribbling, honestly.

I think we cured that, my man.

And I'm Erin Keif, that's JPC, and we're Hey Riddle Riddle.

Oh, hey, Adal. Adal, you're here. Perfect.

No, this is better.

We were scared that you didn't invite us because we're on the shark floor of this building now.

Yeah, I didn't know there was a sub-sub-basement.

Actually, I'll be right back. Technically, this is a dom-sub-basement.

I'm going to go across the hall.

And you gotta guess who.

I'll be right back. Open up this door and...

And I'm Beverly Condolences, and that's Felix Missingson.

And that's as much of that as you're gonna get unless you pay $5 a month. Patreon.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com. Can I pitch an episode I did to you guys?

Sure.

What about an episode where I just eat cashews throughout the whole episode? Just constantly me eating cashews.

Are you hungry?

No, but I did just pour this big bowl of cashews and I don't really know what to do with it. You ever pour a big bowl of cashews and now you're just like staring at them and say like, I'm not really hungry, but I could munch on a cashew.

Is that capturing the magic of the sweater? Do you think that lightning will strike twice if we just do a whole episode about you eating cashews? I'll do it. I don't want to.

Erin, let's make fun of his cashews. That'll work.

I do think my plain, unsalted cashews is probably my sweater.

Oh, so you like your cashews like you like your personality. Plain.

No, I'm salty as hell.

Are you kidding me? Do you think Weezer ever wrote a song about cashews?

Hey, speaking of sharks, that does remind me of something that I have been spending a lot of time on recently. And the only thing that reminds me of that is that Shark is a brand of vacuum. I had been going very deep on Vacuum Cleaner Reddit. You guys have no idea the kind of shit that's going on on the fucking Vacuum Cleaner Reddit.

You've done this before. This is your second time in, which makes me think the first time you did this when you were researching vacuums, you didn't do a very good job because whatever happened to that vacuum, it broke. What's going on with your vacuum situation?

This is my first time talking about it on the podcast, Erin, so that's the difference. I was trying to, yeah, I was just weavered out of things to talk about.

I'm bad at this.

As friends.

Well, I have a, I gotta say, I have a Dyson and I, oh, the podcast is across the hall. I just heard somebody yell. I will say, I'll say- Sounded like Felix was yelling.

You go onto Vacuum Cleaner Reddit and you start talking about your Dyson, they will eat you alive, my friend. They will fuck you up if you start talking about a fucking Dyson on Vacuum Cleaner Reddit.

What's like, what is like Usher vacuuming with? Like what is the creme de la creme? What's the Rolls Royce of vacuums?

I'm glad you asked. So I just got a Sebo vacuum cleaner and you know it's fucking, you know it's luxury.

Is that a Star Wars robot?

You've never heard of that brand.

Sebo.

You've never heard of that brand ever in your whole life and the people at the vacuum cleaner store say, yeah, they used to only sell these to hospitals. They just started making these for regular dads.

That's a vacuum.

That's a blood bones. The other hot brand that I think is in contention with the Sebo is the Miele. It's like M-I-E-L-E, I think. Again, you've never heard of these vacuum brands. You can't walk into the fucking grocery store and buy one of these vacuums. You can buy a shark right off the shelf.

They're like industrial grade vacuums, I bet.

Yeah, it's a canister vacuum, it's a corded vacuum. I kid you not, it is my dream. I'm vacuuming and I'm having a fucking blast with how good this vacuum cleaner is.

Remember when you did mushrooms and ate a bunch of cheese? Your life is a little different now, huh?

Now you're sober and you just vacuum all day. Once you hit like, I don't know, 26, 27, there is something so satisfying about vacuuming with like pure suction. To me, it's like a video game. And I recently got a ShopVac and it is, boy oh boy, that puppy can really suck.

And it's so fun. I did the math on this. I own four vacuum cleaners. What? Because I had a cordless vacuum, which I wanted to get a replacement for the cordless vacuum, but it still works. It's just the battery lasts only like five minutes. So I kept it around for like, basically as a dust buster. I have a shop vac in my garage. I have this new Sebo vacuum cleaner, and then I also have one of the robot vacuum cleaners. Because I always want to be vacuuming. It's just like the more suction the better in this place.

We got a robot one and it has sat in its corner unused because I refuse to let it roam around because that's daddy's work. Daddy likes to vacuum. Daddy likes to roam. Robot vacuum in the corner please. Hey Mona Lisa, you can't roam without Caesar. Erin, how many vacuums do you have?

Um, I have one vacuum.

And her name is?

Because I'm a citizen.

Erin, not hyperbole, that is a completely unacceptable way to live.

Okay, well, okay, well actually hear me out. I think I might have... Here's what I have. Alright, fine, are we actually fucking talking about this?

Erin has one vacuum and it's a straw connected to a harmonica.

People like you, Erin, shouldn't be allowed to fucking vote. You're not a citizen of this democracy.

I technically I think I have three vacuums. So I have a- Let's go! Or four, or maybe four. Upgrade! I have one for the car. I have a mini vacuum that's for the car. I have my regular vacuum. I have a fabric vacuum that I'll do on the mattress and on the couch. And then I have a vacuum that is also one of those wet, it's like a wet vacuum for the couch. Because I have a white Allform. I'm

I mean, this is vacuum erasure. This is vacuum erasure.

She has the same number of vacuums as me. You have the same number of vacuums as me, and I'm the one who's going to jail for being a pervert?

Erin, I'm going to buy you the... I don't know if this makes sense. I'm going to buy you the vacuum from Brave Little Toaster.

Don't. Stop. Please. What? No, Adal, I've been nothing but kind to you. It's me, Erin, your friend for the last eight years.

I think that's why you have four, but you say you have one. It's because you're still afraid of the vacuum from Brave Little Sister. For me, here's what I'll say for me. Every day is like the Dolly Parton song. Somebody been heading to the kitchen, grab my vacuum, something, something, something. Suckin' 9-2-5, that can't work out. Suckin' 9-2-5? Nobody clip that.

Nobody clip it, nobody clip it. Vacuum doesn't fit elegantly in this song at all.

Nope, Dolly Parton did it right. Dolly Parton did it best.

What about vacuum, vacuum, vacuum, vacuum?

I'm begging of you, please don't suck my man. No, don't clip that. Well, Dolly Parton has aged so gracefully, but you know who hasn't aged gracefully? Us. Old Man Puzzles. Well, us and a lot of our content, but Old Man Puzzles specifically, which is gonna be me today. Oh. And calling me old is just redundant, so we'll just call me Man Puzzies.

Yeah, in 2024 you think you're just gonna go buy man puzzles now, right? Man puzzles, by the way, is like awful Batman, like 80s Batman villain. It's me, man puzzles!

You're describing the Riddler.

I think what Man Puzzles does is he sets you in traps. He puts Batman in physical spaces that are mazes and stuff.

So he's the escape room villain.

Yeah, yeah.

What is he dressed like? Casey is typing.

It's $60 to fight him.

$60!

You get a 21-year-old who will call in and give you hints on how to fight him.

It's $60 to find him, and if you beat him within 20 minutes, you're like, well, that was worth it. It feels like I should have just took my time.

Casey says Man Puzzles is also a terrible subscription box. Speak for yourself.

Man Puzzles. It's a niche market, and it's going to sell, Casey. It's going to sell.

I'm the market.

Because men like puzzles.

Man Puzzles would be fun if it was just a complicated guy that you have to figure out. It's like a board game.

Erin, isn't that all men?

No.

No, it's not. This is going to be like a TikTok trend where it's like somebody opening their property tax and they're like, how do I, but then this is from, it's like man puzzles.

Oh yeah.

It's like adulting is out, man puzzles is in. Taxes are basically just man puzzles.

How do you turn on a grill? Man puzzles.

Wait a minute. Uh-oh. We're getting a call from... Hello? Yes, this is Franklin Hot Pocket from the Hot Pocket Fortune.

He finally called us back.

Yeah, can I help you with something? Yes, you're not using my theme, Hot Pocket, for anything, are you?

Tell him that we're dead. Tell him we're dead.

We're... dead. Also, that's not a theme. Saying Hot Pocket is not a theme. Let's get to some riddles. I think when we're doing riddles, we technically can't be sued. Legally. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it's parody.

Because no one would choose to do this.

Because Arnie Parrot did the music.

Weird Al's never been sued. God, I hope we never have to go to court for anything. We'd be so fucked.

We'd be so fucked for so many different reasons. Unorganized, never on time.

We'd like to represent ourselves. Why did you each bring four vacuums to court? To prove that we're normal. To prove we're not perverts, your honor. Your Honor, these are all character witnesses.

Okay, I actually am having fun today. Oh, go ahead.

No, wait, hold on. Erin, once the riddles start, the fun stops. That's okay. Let's just start to have fun.

No, no, I got like 15 minutes of fun. That's all I really need.

Okay, 10 seconds. This is Erin's time. Erin, make up new words.

Blimey, blimey, blimey, blimey, blimey, blimey, blimey, blimey.

Hey everybody, Editor's Note, this is JPC here. We did have to have a child make some noises because when we asked Erin to make noises that were making up words, she unfortunately said a whole bunch of slurs. In her defense, I don't think she knew she was doing it.

Oh my god, I stopped breathing.

We edited that out and we put that in so it's all good.

Hey, Adal here. We actually had to edit out the child's voices. I heard that little girl from I am Sam. I forget her name. She's the sister of a family maybe. Dakota Canning. Thank you so much. But it turns out she's not a little kid anymore. It turns out she's like 26 or something. Yeah, she's Dakota Johnson now. We did have to put a Zoom 6 mic taped around Erin's neck while she slept. So the noises you heard were Erin sleeping.

Snoring.

Have you guys ever watched a video of you sleeping? What? Have you ever watched a video of you sleeping? Have you ever thought about that though? Because you will never get to know what it's like, what you are like when you sleep. Other people, your spouse or whatever might say like, hey you do this while you sleep, but you know, you can never prove it unless you like see a video of you sleeping.

I just assume I look like an angel.

I think I sleep like Big Bird, like in a nest with my head kind of.

Do you think Big Bird sleeps in a nest?

He does. Okay, when was the last time you watched Sesame Street, Dum Dum? He sleeps in a nest and he puts his neck down and he goes... How big is his nest?

That guy needs heating. He needs an AC unit. He can't have a nest. He's got to have a condo or a one-bedroom.

He's three.

He's three?

He's three years old.

What is he, a Benjamin Button disease? How old is that in big ears?

I don't know. I think he's three.

Okay. So what's wrong with him? Did he have that Tom Hanks thing where he got big? Did he make a wish to get big? No.

His species is just that big. Look, I'm sending you a picture of him. His species? There's more of him?

How could there be more of him?

Yeah, because there's him from every different country, and some big birds are different colors, some are green.

What the fuck? First of all, that does not make a species. If there's one of him in every different country, that's not... I don't know how many there are.

Also, he has a grandmother.

So, okay, so he has a grandmother. Is she big? Is the grandmother big?

Yeah, of course. Do you see him in his nest?

Did they ever make like a Sesame Street, almost like the Star Wars Christmas special where there's like a whole family of Chewbacca's? Did they make an episode like that where it's like different big birds where there's like Like a Star Wars Christmas special. Because he's a descriptor and then what he is. So what's his real name?

Is his name Big Bird?

What's his name? Well, this is the episode now. This is the episode, Erin.

Okay, what? No, no. Okay, hold on. You happy, Erin?

You wanted to have one more minute of fun and now we're here. And now we're asking, what is Big Bird's name?

I tried to give you 10 seconds and then we had to involve a Breslin or Fanning or something. Big Bird. Papers. Let me see your papers.

Where are you?

I think his name is Big Bird. He has a teddy bear named Radar.

That's not answering the question. That's neither here nor there.

In season 46, Big Bird's large nest is now sitting within a small, furnished maple tree and is no longer hidden by used construction doors.

His nest is in a tree? No. You're looking at many of the photos I'm giving you.

He can roller skate, ice skate, dance, swim, sing, write poetry, draw, and ride a unicycle. Despite his wide array of talents, he is prone to frequent misunderstandings.

Yeah, I guess so. It makes sense.

In season 46, yet he's three years old? Make it make sense, Erin.

Remember when Mr. Hooper died and they had to explain death to Big Bird?

What?

They're like, Mr. Hooper's not coming home, Big Bird. And he's like, but I want him to come home.

You killed him with your big hands. You're too strong, Big Bird. So he's Lenny. You know how Big Bird has to sleep with gloves with moisturizer in them? Yeah, Big Bird. Of Mice and Big Bird.

So did he go through Ellis Island at some point? He has to have a real name. He has to.

Okay, I have a quick trivia question for you.

Okay.

Carol Spinney, I think that's his name, who voiced Big Bird, what other character on Sesame Street, what other famous character?

I want to say Groucho?

Groucho, kind of close.

Yeah, the Bird Brothers. I'm going to say the Count.

Oscar the Grouch.

Wow. Oh, I was close. From bird to trash. And what's his deal? What is he? Is he like a rat king or did trash come alive? What's that?

I don't know. He's just a monster.

I think he's canonically a rat king. So why is there Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, a lot of descriptors going around, and then there's Bert and Ernie? How come they get that?

I don't know why they got real names. There's so many different big birds. Wow, they're all different colors. One is gray with brown brows. It's supposed to look like an albatross in France. Let's look up French big bird. This is going to be freaky, you guys.

What's bird in Spanish?

Grande Alouette.

Well, it's a combination of Spanish and French.

Yeah, good, they're both romance languages, you can combine them. You would think that they would name him Big Bird because he's like bigger than others of his species, but I guess not.

I guess it sounds like a name a teacher would give where they're like doing a roll call and they're like, whoa, that's a big bird. And then it kind of sticks. But it can't be. Show me the birth certificate where it says. Also, is Snuffleupagus a mastodon?

Show me the birth certificate. What have we come to?

Sorry, the bird certificate.

Bird certificate.

I can't find that.

I also don't think that teachers are allowed to just shoot off with nicknames anymore. I think that is a long gone... Unless, hey, are you a current child? Do you get a nickname from a teacher? Let us know.

I was called Captain Dumps because I kept asking to go to the bathroom. You didn't get that? You were taught on the boat too. So the riddle for this episode is... Okay. What's going on with Big Bird? What's his real name?

I thought a real riddle was coming. I was prepped. I prepared myself.

There's so many different kinds of Sesame Streets. This is crazy.

Like foreign language Sesame Streets? Like in other countries?

Yeah, this is crazy. I'm learning so much. They tell you my favorite experience with Sesame Street. I think I might have mentioned this on the show before. I was nannying this little girl in Chicago. That's what I did pre-pandemic.

And you had an umbrella and you like slid up banisters and stuff.

It was very painful. Killed all those penguins. Tried to jump into a sidewalk painting and broke everything.

Made love to Dick Van Dyke. We assume. We have to assume.

Truly? Don't mind if I do. I would.

98 years young.

Guess what? I would and I'm not kidding. You can't prove that I'm not kidding.

Here's the thing, Erin. Google this. I think his current wife is younger than you.

I don't care. Get out of my way, young wife. Do you think his shit still works?

At 98, you think his shit's still popping and firing? No. I guess with pills and stuff, you can do that.

Do you know how many times he fell on his dick when he tripped over that ottoman?

I could dance for him. I think that would work. What do you think? I could dance for him.

Hey Riddle Riddle Challenge, let's see who can arouse a 98-year-old man first. We all have everything at our disposal, all of our wiles. Dick Van Dyke, more like Dick Don't Work.

If anyone knows Dick Van Dyke you can give him my number and I'm not kidding. What was I talking about? Oh Sesame Street. So I was watching this little girl and she loved Sesame Street and I loved showing it to her because every time we watched it she would learn like 10 new words. But there's a segment on modern Sesame Street where you know how they have like a letter of the day and the number of the day?

Modern Sesame Street, that's the one where it's like they follow three families of Sesame Street around. It's a herald, basically. There's an A, B, and C plotline, and it all kind of ties back in. People are going to be so pissed that we're not doing it.

One of the Muppets plays a gay Muppet, but he's not actually gay.

Exactly. But one of the ways they announce the number of the day is they will bake cookies and pull them off on a cooking sheet and then count the cookies. So on a day it would be like, the number of the day is, and then the cookie sheet will come out and be like, four. Four cookies. One, two, three, four. Four. And they're like, oh, sweet, OK, the number of days is four. There's four cookies on the tray. And she loved that part because she loved cookies. She's like two, maybe one and a half, two. And one day, the number of the day is zero. And so zero cookies come off the tray. And she goes sobbing. Freaking out, does not recover, can't continue watching the show. And then while she's napping, I can hear her in her crib and she's going, zero cookies. Zero cookies. No cookies. No cookies. Like traumatizing. Oh, so funny.

So funny. Wow. You had to do that to teach kids a lesson?

They had a responsibility to children all across the country and they fucking broke that sacred promise with zero cookies.

Sacred trust. So Erin, it sounds like you've watched the most Sesame Street between the three of us. Is there an episode where they show the count feeding?

Feeding what?

You know, he's a vampire in an alley.

Yeah. There's a, uh, a mother and son that get lost on Sesame Street and they ask for directions and he gives them the wrong directions and then he kills them and they show like everything.

Yeah.

They really don't, they don't cut away. It's not like shadows or anything. It's not done artistically. It's like really graphic.

What the fuck? Run. Jeremy, run.

Yeah, they show it.

Yeah, they show it.

They show it. Ever since Mr. Hooper died, they're like, it's our responsibility to show kids how dark the world is.

And who is Mr. Hooper? And why do we care that he died?

He owned Mr. Hooper's store, like the little general store. He was the old man who was so nice to the kids and the Muppets. You can't do that. Mr. Hooper, from the 70s.

Erin, you can't do that. If I say, who's Little Mikey, you can't say, from Little Mikey's bikes. That's true. That doesn't make sense.

You don't know Little Mikey? Dude, he's from Little Mikey's bikes.

You're using the term to define the term. That's circular logic, and it won't stand.

Was Mr. Hooper a human or a Muppet?

Cooper, he was a human and he passed away in real life and they had to dress it on the show. It was true.

They had to address it?

Yeah.

As per his last will and testament. Do their Muppets, do they ever die? Do the Sesame Street characters ever die?

I think they retire. I think they stop showing up.

Retire from what? Being like an eternal child? I don't know. How do you retire from that? You guys really let me... Three-year-old Big Bird with a big gold watch being like, I guess it's my time!

You think Sesame Street is handing out gold watches for anniversary?

For 50 years of service!

If you guys are pissed about how there hasn't been any riddles yet, I totally get it and you can blame me today.

Did any of the Muppets serve?

In overseas... What are you talking about?

No, surf looks, Erin.

Drag race.

Let's talk about waiters. Erin, Jesus Christ. Overseas? I would hope not.

You can have a waiter overseas, they just don't do tipping culture. That's funny.

It's a different job. It's an insult. Erin, I think we've chosen what this episode is today. Top three most fuckable Muppets go. She had a list. She pulled out a laminated list.

Let me actually take this super seriously. I actually watched Great Muppet Caper last night.

You watched Great Muppet Caper last night?

Mm-hmm. I'm going through a hard time, man. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Yeah, do your thing.

Um, Rolf?

Wait, Rolf is the piano player?

Yep.

Okay.

Hmm.

And he's a dog, right?

Is he a bear or a dog? He's a dog. I think you guys have made me watch a Muppet thing and there's probably only three Muppets that you could say that would be evocative of like a mental image for me.

Huh.

Like I know Gonzo. I know Big Bird. I know... You are Gonzo. Thank you. That's a huge compliment.

Animal, maybe?

Animals one that is... I couldn't think of a mental picture of what animal looks like. And I think my problem is I know what way too many animals look like. So now I'm thinking about like a horse. But Erin, is animal a horse?

Animal is not a horse. Animal is a monster. I love your curiosity though. Love that brain of yours. Okay, I'm going to go Grover, Rolf. Huh. Animal maybe?

Do we think, like if you say you went to like Spago in LA and you're like, holy shit, that's Animal. Don't look, don't look, don't look. Behind you is Animal. Do you think if you approach him and you're like, Mr. Animal, I'm such a big fan, do you mind if I take a, do you think he, do you think he kind of like, for the cameras? Or do you think he like has a- What cameras?

Oh, oh, oh, you're saying on the show.

He's an actor.

I think he said something like, hey, no, it's nice to meet a fan. Thanks for saying hi.

It's like Bobcat Goldthwait. I think you guys are insane. I would never approach an animal while it's eating. Obviously, they're going to get territorial about their food. Especially if he's as big as a horse like Eric claims he is. Well, he's either an actor.

I didn't. Or Sesame Street's a documentary. So I think it's one of those two realities.

And we're going to go on a break, and when we get back, I'm going to set Adal loose with all of his riddles. And then you'll all be sorry, and you're going to be wishing we're talking about the Muppets. Okay?

Okay!

Run! Adaljpc, open up. I want to talk about my favorite app on my phone.

Okay, but we're about to... We're about to head into space, Erin. This better be important. Let me unseal this.

I want to talk about Rocket Money.

Would it please kill you, Erin? I mean, what happened to civility? This country used to stand for civility. That's why we're leaving. That's what we're going to find.

I love it so much. It's how I keep track of my finances. I've been doing it way before they were a sponsor of the show. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills. And it is your best friend come tax season.

Well, bills was the primary reason Adal and I had built this rocket to leave this world. That and civility, which is out the window.

Wait, is this rocket money that has over 5 million users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in cancelled subscriptions?

That's the one.

JPC and I spent $500 million on this rocket.

Oh brother.

Wait, you knew about this and we still built this rocket? Yeah. I mean, I'm the only one who did not know about rocket money for the purposes of this scenario.

They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest. So maybe you can negotiate whatever this plea for attention was.

Yeah, we actually did. This rocket that we built is a subscription service, so we also are getting $24.99 a month on top of the $500 million, which is like, I don't know, bank-breaking. Oof.

But we have been featured in several small-town news programs. But we should stop wasting money on things we don't use. You can cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. That's RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. RocketMoney.com slash Riddle. What's this red button do?

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Thank you for coming into my shelter here. Let me shut this bank vault door. Listen, as you can tell from all the red string and the corkboard, I have decided… Please, please.

Silent bank vault door. I've never seen one that silent.

It's huge. Thank you so much. I've decided that space, as we know it, is actually square.

Really regretting coming out of this bank vault. Adal, are you sure you're not just thinking of Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand? You know Squarespace, the one that makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms?

Oh, maybe I am thinking of that. Wait, which one has an online store where you can, like, sell your products online, whether you sell physical, digital, or service products? Is that Squarespace? They have the tools you need to start selling online?

Both? Definitely Squarespace. Definitely Squarespace, but also it's like, that's, we have to keep digging because it could be also both.

Could be space that's squared.

And you can upload, organize, and access all your content in one place. With the new asset library, you're able to manage all your files from one central hub and use them across the Squarespace platform.

But don't take it from us. Take it from someone we know has lived in the space that is Square. Welcome alien spokesman, Lil Monkey Bones.

Hey everybody, it's Little Monkey Bones. Thank you so much for having me on your commercial.

Cut the mic. Cut the mic.

Cut the mic? Okay, I'm gonna get my big scissors out and... No, no, no. Oh, this is expensive. This looks very expensive.

Little Monkey Bones, you want to tell us about the custom merch?

I'd love to. First of all, you can easily sell custom merch and create a passive income stream that engages your audience and scales your brand. Design your products and production, inventory, and shipping are handled for you. Save you time and monkey. Hold on. Casey, can we... Casey, can we... I said monkey. Can we say money instead? Is there... Do you need me to say monkey clean?

You're being so professional, little monkey bones. We're so proud of you.

It's me, Little Money Bones. What am I doing? What is going on?

Oh boy. Well, I fed him after midnight, Erin. Anyway, you all should head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Squarespace.com. I'm Little Money Bones.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Man, I am down in the absolute dumps right now.

Oh, JPC buddy, what's wrong? Get out of that ditch.

I got dumped by another therapist. Oh, personally?

Professionally?

Yeah, personally. As you know, I told you guys I was going to therapy, and it was kind of unconventional. I was going to the shoe carnival at the mall and telling all of my problems to the guy who has the big foot-measuring thing.

No, no. Not a therapist.

Well, that's what he said. And he said, you can't come back here. You have to buy shoes. And I said, what if I buy one shoe? And he said, no, you have to leave immediately. And now I'm not allowed in that shoe carnival, so I guess I have to find another therapist.

JBC, we can fix this so fast by telling you about BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist, real therapist, anytime for no additional charge. I use BetterHelp, and I have been so grateful for it this month because there's a lot in my mind, and my mind's been rolling. And I say thank you to my therapist like three times a session, and she goes, you don't need to do that.

Whoa, BetterHelp. So it's like, if I'm hearing you right, Erin, like an online shoe carnival.

Adal? No, therapy, let's see. Therapy can be a place to work through the challenges you face in all of your relationships, shoe or otherwise. Might be friends, might be work, your significant other, or shoes. Hmm, okay. But BetterHelp is the best option for you, JPC. For you specifically, and I would say for me, for Erin, for most of our listeners.

I guess what you're saying is if I'm thinking of giving therapy a try, and by a try, that means going onto Google Maps, finding a shoe store in my area, going down there and berating one of the employees. Instead of doing that, I should give BetterHelp a try.

That's right, JPC. Speaking of shoes, become your own soulmate, whether you're looking for one or not. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Riddle. Hey JPC, I see you typing slash carnival. It's not carnival, it's riddle, slash riddle.

Okay, but it's BOGO shoe carnival. Buy one, get one? That's how shoes work.

Hey Riddle Riddle.

And we're back, and Erin just gave me an extended list of her most fuckable Muppets. Erin, did you want to continue that list? Tell everybody else what you told me?

Shouldn't we paywall it? That feels like something we could paywall, right?

A 50-minute episode of Erin listing all the mukbangs.

Sorry to put my business hat on in the middle of fun time, but I feel like we can make some money on Erin's fucking mukbang list.

Alright, let's get to some riddles. Hey, thanks everyone for sticking around. Here's the actual riddles. Two people are sitting across from each other at a table. However, neither person speaks with the other. How come?

God, what a jarring shift in tone. Suddenly we're just doing it. We have to like retrain, I have to retrain my brain to like think of answers instead of think of things to derail conversations.

It's a father and his adult daughter and he doesn't know what to say to her. No, let's see.

Because he's dating someone, get this Erin, he's dating someone younger than her.

No. That's crazy.

I gotta say, why do people do that? Why do people do that?

Because they're fucking weird.

Cyrus, Dick Van Dyke, all the three-name people. If you are going to date someone who is younger than your child, you have to put it in writing that you're fucking weird. You have to be like, hey, I'm weird. I have to do this, but I'm weird.

Own up to it. You gotta own up to it.

God own up to it. Two people are sitting across from each other at a table. However, neither person speaks with the other. How come?

Why do people sit at a table and not talk?

Chess. They're playing chess and one of them's Russian and one of them's American and it's 1986 and the wall has not fallen yet. But this chess match is symbolic of a greater global game of chess that we know as the Cold War. And I will be taking my coffee to go.

That is blood. That is a cup of blood.

Well, you don't want me to drink blood at the restaurant. You obviously want me to leave if I'm going to drink this blood. Adal, was I close?

You were... I want to see a scene. Okay. JBC, you are a father. Erin, you are JBC's adult daughter. And it's getting to that age where, yeah, he just... You're off at college, you're doing your thing, and he just doesn't know how to relate to you.

Should we, um... Should we split an appetizer?

Sorry, what? I had my headphones in. What's up?

Oh, it's just... I was just saying we don't have... We don't spend a lot of time together and I was wondering if we should split an appetizer. I mean, we don't know... It's... We could splurge, you know? We don't get that a lot of dinners. I'm not hungry. Not hungry at all. For even an entree. Okay. No, that's fine. Um... Hey, you're... You're 21 now. How about a drink? How about we have a cocktail?

Sorry, what? My headphones are in.

You keep putting them in. Leave them out. It won't be an issue. How about a cocktail? You're 21 now. Let's have a cocktail.

With you?

Yeah, I'll have a cocktail. You'll have a cocktail. It'll be fun. We'll dish. We'll talk about our lives. What's new? You know? You're in college. You're 21 now. What's new with you?

Water's fine.

Water's fine.

Okay.

You know, this is hard for me. I don't necessarily know that I can relate to a lot of the things that you have going on. Go ahead and grab the headphone before it goes back in. Go ahead and take that. Ow! Yeah, no, I'm sorry. Move fast kind of hurt you there, but the headphone was going back in. We can all agree. Why don't you tell me something about your life? Maybe you share, I share, we do a little share session.

Wow, did someone say share? I'm your waiter today, Small Moose, and I want to learn about sharing.

Dad, what is this?

Put your headphone in my ear. Don't want to deal with this. Just put the headphone in.

We're good with water for right now, thank you.

Oh, but I thought we were going to learn about, turns to camera, sharing.

So, mom seems pretty happy.

Can I have some of your mozzarella stick? Oh, sorry.

Are you a waiter here? Are you a waiter here?

Uh, yes, look at my name tag. It's me, Small Moose, but you can call me Smoose. Yeah, Smoose, you can have- Am I fucking up my lines? What's happening?

We can't talk about Sesame Street and then you say the word sharing in a scene. Of course that's going to activate my Muppet.

Yeah, be careful.

Life lesson.

Why do people sit silently at a table together? Prayer. Baby's prayer table. Baby's prayer. They're taking a test.

I do think churches should have more tables. If churches had tables, I might go to get work done.

I want to say that this is, Erin, this is going to be like a different type of table. Like this is like a multiplication table and they're taking like a math test. Yeah, I think it's like a test. Yeah.

Or like a ping pong. But they're sitting at a table.

It's not a test. And it's just two people at this table, right? It's just two people sitting at this table?

Yeah, it's two people. It's not a test. It's more frustrating than that. Hmm.

Do we have a hint?

I'm just going to give you the answer because this is a tough one. The two people are not together. They are sitting on benches and facing away from the table, and they do not notice the other person.

That's awful.

So picture like a picnic table outside. You're sitting on it, but your knees aren't tucked under the actual tabletop. You're facing away.

Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene.

I guess I get what was happening there.

Um, JPC, you're sitting at a picnic table and Adal is a stranger who has come to sit down at the same picnic table.

Excuse me. Is anyone sitting here?

Uh, yeah, just my family.

Um, yeah, it's my son. It's my son's birthday. Oh, happy birth- how old is the boy?

Uh, we're all good. Um, yeah, but- Oh, I'm not telling anything. Just ask the question. I know, we rented this area, so we have this for the next two hours. So, enjoy your day.

Well, actually, you know, I don't have to walk away because I actually live in the park.

You know, I maybe got that vibe. I just saw the big trench coat, the big hat, and I thought, maybe not... The trench coat is new.

I'll give you that. The trench coat is... I went to Hot Topic.

It looks like maybe it's a disguise. It looks like it's maybe some sort of disguise. No, no, no, no. Sir, if you're going to open the trench coat, just please go do it somewhere else, okay?

I just found movies. Have you seen these? You heard of these? I just saw The Matrix. You just saw The Matrix? Yeah, watch this. Leaning back, leaning back, leaning back. Bullet time.

That's from the movie. But this is an eight-year-old's birthday party, so we're just... We're actually not going to talk about The Matrix or anything that happens in that movie, and enjoy your day.

Uh-huh. Can I have some eggs?

So, you didn't bring this picnic basket. This is our picnic basket. You just, you started to walk away while you were holding it. You need to leave this, you need to leave this and you need to walk away just and enjoy the rest of your day.

What are you gonna do? I'm protected. I'm protected by the... By who?

That little guy?

That little guy?

That little guy's protecting you?

Hey, don't piss him off.

Hey boo-boo, he's just joking. His name is Boo-Boo. Excuse me Boo-Boo, I'm sure you're very nice, but could you and your friend please, could you please go? Wow, Boo-Boo not talking. Does Boo-Boo not know Boo-Boo's voice?

I'm panicking, my palms are sweating, I'm trying to remember.

Oh Boo-Boo, yeah Boo-Boo just came from a rap battle, his palms are sweating. Boo-Boo, is that true?

Boo-Boo, let me see your palms.

Is Boo-Boo okay? Is Boo-Boo choking? Boo-Boo's not okay. No, that's a fake choke. I know what a real choke sounds like, Boo-Boo. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Looks like Boo-Boo died. Boo-Boo's putting their arms across their chest like they're really dead.

No, Boo-Boo always does this when he doesn't want to talk.

I'm sorry, now I'm so curious. Yes, you two join us, please, share in our meal. We invite you to my 8-year-old son's birthday party. I gotta know what Boo Boo's voice is.

Hi, I'm Boo Boo.

Whoa, not what I was expecting.

What is it? You keep telling me what it is, I'll do it. What is it though? You said that and I literally was like, it felt like that nightmare about like, not knowing you were in a high school play. Oh fuck, what is it?

I guarantee there are people listening who are like, what? What is boo-boo? What is a boo-boo? What is this?

I believe... They're gonna think it's Honey Boo-Boo. I'm gonna look it up. I think Boo-Boo was like, I don't know, Yogi. Like, I think he was like that. Is that Drippy Dog? No, Droopy was like going down.

I think probably Yogi and Droopy were voiced by the same person, just like Carol Spiney.

Back in the day, that's how they did it, man. That's how they did it.

Back in the day, Mel Blanc was all the Looney Tunes plus the cars.

It sounds like this. Here it is right there. There I go. I'm Boo Boo.

Okay, and Casey, just go ahead and cut that right back in. It'll ruin the scene, but cut it in. Erin, great job, great boo-boo, you can do it. Erin, great boo-boo.

No, you guys called me up to the big leagues and I wasn't ready.

Women can be anything, even boo-boo.

You know, I always thought they were saying sit, boo-boo, sit, but that's not what they're saying. No, they're saying something else.

They're saying... Let's do another riddle. We'll never find out. One that doesn't suck.

Yeah, that last one I have to say sucked. That was a suck riddle.

Okay, let me dig into my files here under good riddles. Oh, there's one left. A man is born in 1915 and dies in 1940 at the age of 30. How is this possible? A man is born in 1915 and dies in 1940 at the age of 30. How is this possible? He's a time traveler, the man is traveling through time. Remember when Time Traveler's Wife was such a big deal?

Mm-hmm. I actually, as problematic as that is, used to love Time Traveler's Wife.

Oh, the movie and the book?

Um, yeah.

Erin, is that the one with the redhead that you like?

Yeah. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Donald. Time traveler's wife is when her future husband like keeps showing up when she's a kid. Like he time travels to talk to her and then they finally like meet in time, right? Yeah, it's super fucked up.

It's about what?

Erin, so picture this. You're 12 years old, guy comes out of the bushes. Hey, it's me, your future husband.

Yeah, kind of terrifying. He's 42. It's so fucking scary. It's awful.

Is that what happens in that book?

Yeah. And he shows up naked every time. He shows up naked every time.

In the Terminator pose?

And she has to give him clothes every time.

He warps in with his one fist down on the ground.

It's weird. He teaches her French and chess and talks to her. And then when she turns 18, they have sex. And then she meets him in the correct time when she's 22 and he's 28. And then he has no idea who she is. And she's like, I'm your wife and you're gonna marry me. And he's like, no, I'm not. And then they finally catch up to him being himself. And then he starts traveling back through time and then he dies.

She's dating another time traveler. What are we doing?

Hey, here's an idea. Be a time traveler and also just have a relationship outside of that. Like, you don't need to find your wife at work. Yeah, that's true.

Oh, I can't control it.

I'm 40 and I have to fuck an 18-year-old because I can't control it.

I have a disease. He just keeps coughing and he beams to wherever she is. I actually need to be protected. It's really fucked up, but... You can't actually fire me from my job.

Yeah, I'm a time traveler.

Theo James, the guy from Divergent and White Lotus, was in the most recent TV show of it. So I did watch it for him because he is handsome. But it's problematic. They need to stop.

Jesus. He also goes back in time and fucks himself.

What? Yeah.

He goes back in time and he fucks himself. In the show?

Yeah.

In the book?

Both. Ugh. He also, his mom gets decapitated and he has to keep going back to that moment.

What? I don't remember that.

Mom's an opera singer who gets decapitated in the car in front of him. What?

This is like... Adal, that's how a lot of them go. And that's how a lot of opera singers go.

It's a dangerous profession. Batman writers would even scoff at that. His mom is an opera singer? How does that happen?

Am I the only one who read this book when I was in high school?

It seems like Adal read it. I read it like 40 years ago. All I remember is that it's set in Chicago and they're like... Let's go meet at the Metro. And I just moved to Chicago and I was like, fuck yes, the Metro. And then they're like, I grabbed you some Ann Sathers. I'm like, fuck yes, Ann Sathers. So I remember being like stoked that they were making references to places.

I think Adal read Devil in the White City, it seems like.

Yeah. He had like a wall. He kept time traveling into the World's Fair, I think.

I'm shocked at this movie. What's the riddle? The riddle is, is this movie any good?

A man is born in 1915.

Oh yeah, we were in the middle of a riddle. I love when I fully forget we're in the middle of a riddle.

A man is born in 1915 and dies in 1940 at the age of 30. How is this possible?

Is this? Is it? No. Okay, so that's... He dies his clothes.

He dies his hair.

Yeah, he dies his hair because he's getting older.

He's 45.

He's 45, starting to go gray. Gotta get that hair dye.

Is that what, it would be fun if like, one of the, I keep wanting to call them Muppets, one of the Sesame Street characters was going through like a mid-life crisis, like, like, I forget which one it is, but he's like, near, far, but he shows up in like a Ferrari and sunglasses and he's like, you know, just going through something.

Yeah, just go and do something. He's banging an 18-year-old. His daughter's 26. Everybody thinks it's normal. Nobody's talking about it. This is either a leap year thing or like a AD or before the common era, after the common era, you know, type of calendar switch.

A man is born in 1915 and dies in 1940 at the age of 30. How is this possible?

Here's what I'll tell you. A.D.

No, B.C. B.C., A.D.? You'll be seeing these hints. It's not... Here, I'll give you a hint. 1915 and 1940 are not years. A man is born in 1915 and dies in 1940 at the age of 30. Hospital room numbers. Erin Keif.

He was born in room number 1915 at a hospital and dies in room 1940. Okay.

It's a big hospital.

I take issue with that. I don't necessarily know that hospitals are numbering their rooms just like 1 to 2,000. I just don't think that that's the case. I think that they have like- It probably goes by floor.

What's that? It probably goes by floor. 19 is probably the 19th floor.

Yeah, but they have like different wards, right? It wouldn't just all be room 1915. It would be like, I don't know, the cancer ward room 6. You know what I'm saying?

I guess, man.

Do you want to take it to Riddle Court? I don't think you're going to win.

Yeah, I wouldn't, man. And don't represent yourself.

I don't want to take this one to Riddle Court. Also, yeah, I guess, man, hospital, a 19-floor hospital, but I guess that they do have hospitals that are pretty tall. I'm trying to think of the last hospital that I went in. It was not 19 stories. That's a tall hospital. It's a big city.

A friend of mine died in a tall hospital. And he was way up there.

What to say to that?

It's near Lakeshore Drive, and it's got a big stained glass window, but I forget the name of it.

You don't remember the room your baby was born in, JBC?

Wow. I do, but like I said, it wasn't numbered that way. I think it was room seven, but it was on the eighth floor or something like that, but it wasn't room 807. It was numbered by the ward. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I just don't trust that this hospital thing. I think it was for the riddle. I think it was constructed with purposefully misleading numbers.

Riddles would never do that.

I do want to see a scene. I've been hurt too many times before. I'm going to be a moderator. Erin, you are the lead Democratic. You're the Democratic lead for president. JPC, you're the Republican lead for president. The Republican lead for president? You're in the lead.

What's going on?

Guess who didn't sleep last night? You're the Republican nominee for the presidential race. This is the final of the presidential debates and JPC, you are really hung up on an issue that nobody else is even thinking about. Okay. Candidates, I'll ask you one more time.

I'll ask you one more time. Why did they get blue? Blue objectively goes with more things than red. You know how hard it is trying to do red as like an aesthetic?

I'm a redhead. Is this relevant to the issues that our constituents are facing today?

I just think there's an issue of fairness and there's an issue of color palette and there's an issue of, by the way, how these cameras are all set up, I look washed out as absolute shit because I have to wear all red and you get to wear gentle blue tones.

You're also wearing basically like ghost makeup. You look awful.

I have to remind both candidates, you did not have to wear any certain color, especially not all of that color.

Blue makes my eyes pop. Blue makes my eyes pop, your honor.

You both look like you just got drafted in the NBA. You're wearing all bright one-color suits.

The guy backstage said I had to wear a big 1990s NBA draft red suit.

I was the guy backstage.

Your honor, your honor.

I'm not a judge, but America will be the judge off this next question. What do you think is the biggest issue facing America and Americans today?

Silly little men in big, big suits.

You have a minute 47 left if you want it.

Can I cut in?

Can I cut in? He's a jerk, your honor. I hate him.

Your honor, can I cut in? I think one of the biggest issues facing America today is people that sneak into your dressing room right before a debate.

Can't prove it.

And they put a bunch of ghost paint makeup all over you because they say it'll make you pop like Nixon. I don't need to prove it. I look ridiculous and it's all because of you. Losers is what?

And folks, that is the end. What we have seen today is historic. The most mature and intelligent presidential debate of our time. And the winner is, gets handed an envelope. Please, please, please, please, please. I hope you get it. I hope you get it. I know you deserve it. You did so much better. I hope it's you. Puts on glasses. I can't understand what's happening. Why don't we share it?

Why don't we split it? Your honor, we're going to split it. I recently watched or re-watched La La Land because Mariah had never seen it and it was on one of the streamers or whatever. And my hot take about La La Land is if it was never like an Oscar movie, which I don't know, it just absolutely shouldn't have been. It shouldn't have been part of that consideration. I think it would just be like a really fine, like, romantic comedy with, like, some singing in it. Because I think that both of those, what is it, um... Ryan Gosling and, uh... Emma Stone. Emma Stone. They're both, like, super charismatic in that movie, and they do a great job. But if it was never, like, hyped, I think people would have watched La La Land and been like, this is fun.

Yes, agreed.

I think it's... I wasn't crazy about it.

I think it's a victim of its own success. And I feel like also, they just should have had Ryan Gosling, like, He was big into indie music or something. I think the whole jazz thing really put a hitch in his giddy up.

Yeah, the guy just really wanted to use one jazz song throughout the movie. And he was like, the only way I can think to do it is Big Ryan comes really into jazz.

Or they should have had him play jazz drums. And then, what's his name? Jonah Jameson. What's that guy's name?

Jonah Jameson. Oh, J.K. Simmons.

J.K. Simmons. Yeah, he's in that movie. Yeah, he should be his Whiplash character and like really take it to him.

Yeah, let's see. So what they should have done is they should have had J.K. Simmons as Whiplash, they should have had Ryan Gosling as Ken, and then they should have had Emma Stone... You two are making a mess right now.

This is a mess.

Emma Stone as Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls the musical.

Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Whiplash sounds like a Batman villain.

Who's going to clean up after this episode, by the way? Is it me? I'm not cleaning.

Casey's not cleaning. Erin, you have four vacuums. Erin, you have four vacuums.

Not technically true.

No, technically true, not conceptually true. They're not podcast vacuums. Well, Casey Todey's our podcast vacuum.

He's our janitor genius. He solves all the riddles on the board after the episode while he's sweeping up.

Let's clean up with one final riddle. Yeah, I'm hungry for one more riddle. This one's a doozy. The Pope is giving a speech. A man in the audience. Pass. Don't forget, everybody gets one pass every five years. Erin, you just used yours.

And I'm proud of it. You're welcome, everybody. Fuck the Pope.

Let's see what would have been in this riddle. Oh, Erin, it was a brand new car.

Don't care.

Erin, it loses value as soon as you drive it off the lot. Do not buy a brand new car.

Oh, I do need your guys' help. I need to buy a car for the first time ever.

JPC's the man to talk to. JPC. You gotta talk to your old JPC.

Will you help me? Yeah, absolutely.

You should fly out to L.A. You're famously like a no bullshit, like, don't, no, as they try and sell you upgrades, you're like, nope, fuck off. Yeah.

But not for Erin. I'll say, give me the undercoating, give me the warranty, give me the bumper to bumper, baby, give me everything.

I'm totally on my own with it. It will be the biggest purchase I ever make by myself, and I'm scared. So if you could give me some advice or help me, that would be really appreciated.

What you should get, because you live in LA, which is notoriously traffic-heavy, you should get one of those little Italian job cars.

Okay, great. I love that advice. I'm taking it immediately.

They call those a ristretto.

Ooh, I'm going to be so poor.

It's coffee on top of ice cream.

The Pope is giving a speech. A man in the audience shoots the mayor who is behind the Pope. Why?

Because the mayor was trying to kill the Pope.

Wow.

Yeah, dude.

The mayor's a Pope killer. Classic. Mayor's a Pope killer, dude. You're a Pope killer.

He's shooting with a camera.

I wish. No, this is a good. What?

Is he trying to shoot the Pope? Does it pass through the big hat?

Not all Popes are Italian. Not all Popes are Italian.

But they all live in Rome! They all live in Rome!

I'm sorry, but you can't be like, I live in Italy, and be like, but I'm not Italian. Not the retired one. Where does he live? Is this a retired Pope?

Now the Pope is giving a speech, a man in the audience shoots the mayor who is behind the Pope. Why?

Oh okay, John Mayer is dicking around doing a little guitar backing for the Pope's speech. The Pope is like, I don't believe homosexuals, and John Mayer is like, your body is a Vatican.

Do you think John Mayer refers to his penis as his silly place?

Just a casual conversation?

He gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Yeah, he's a heebie-jeebie giver.

Freaks me out.

Oh, Heebie Jeebies was an amazing punk rock club in New York. It got closed down.

Oh yeah.

How many songs in the history of songwriting do you think are about Jennifer Love Hewitt? Over or under 30? Wow. 11. The Pope is giving a speech. A man in the audience shoots the mayor who is behind the Pope. Why? Now this might be the toughest riddle, trademark, we've ever had, trademark.

Is this the mayor of like a city? Is this like an elected official?

So like a Mayor McCheese? Yeah. Yeah, he was elected, duly elected. And sorry, the question is, is he the mayor of a specific city?

Or a city, like is he a mayor, like an elected official? Or is it like mayor, like a horse, like the Pope is riding a horse, like doing a speech? Wow.

That's a good guess.

Why would the horse be behind the Pope?

I'm not going to tell you yes or no, but can I ask, if it was a horse, a mayor, solve that riddle. Why would a guy shoot a horse behind the Pope? That sounds like an old timey expression.

The Pope, this is like 1100 years ago, the Pope has gotten off his horse to give the speech and so the horse is behind him. What's that? Yeah, exactly. To be closer to God.

If a horse eats cannabis, don't ride it.

Someone shoots the horse to spook the Pope.

Of course, smacking the Pope on his ass will spook the Pope. If you smack the Pope on the ass, it spooks him.

Okay, that's got to be on the Mount Rushmore of my favorite sentences ever said on the show.

Somebody shoots the horse to spook the Pope. Somebody shoots the horse to spook the Pope. Somebody shoots the horse to spook the Pope.

Can that be the episode title, Adal? And I hate to say it.

Somebody shoots the horse to spook the Pope. I don't know why. Am I close? You're close in that that's the best answer to a riddle we've ever had.

And this episode started with 30 minutes of Sesame Street. While we went from zero to 100. All downhill. We really made up for lost time. I don't know, man. I don't know. Erin, do you have anything? Is there any fucking thing that you have?

I have nothing. I'm thinking. Is there any fucking thing that I have? I have nothing. Look at my empty, empty hand. I don't know. My only thing was shooting a photo, and that was 11 minutes ago, so I don't know. And that was great. That was fine.

I can't remember if it was... I don't know, Erin, if this was you or Saidiya, my sister. Somebody sent me a video of the Pope smacking a woman's hand. And couldn't stop laughing about it. Because somebody in a crowd reached out to touch the Pope and he smacked her hand away. It must have been Sidia if you don't remember it. No, I remember.

I love that video.

Any final thoughts?

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. You've defeated us. We're done.

Grab some water.

Get comfortable.

The first fucking riddle that you read was so bad that it broke my faith in riddles for the rest of the episode. I was like, now the answer's going to be like, I don't know. He was sitting back to back with someone on a fucking bench, and that's why.

Oh, wait. Stop at the podcast. JPC, you said it broke the faith?

Yeah, broke the faith.

How can I amend the defense of a faith?

Mender the faith.

It's-a me. I smoke in the Pope. Shave-a the beard. Shave-a the beard. Wash-a the feet.

Give me the fucking answer.

No. What is that? You take out a gun? No. I shoot-a the horse. I spook-a the Pope. That's the one thing that can spook a Pope. New Halloween costume. Spooked Pope.

What is the answer?

Okay. Get comfy. The Pope has returned to the village where he began his priesthood 30 years earlier. He was late for the ceremony so, naturally, the Mayor spoke first. The Mayor claimed to be the first person ever to give a confession to the Pope 30 years earlier. When the Pope arrived and gave his speech, they didn't share notes, he related, the Pope related, that the first confession he had ever heard was that of the murder of a young woman. The man in the audience was the young woman's brother who then promptly shot the mayor. So a few things. So a few things. Real quick. Yeah. One, this brother must carry a gun around for the last 30 years just hoping someone slips up.

Oh my God, I hate this Riddle. Two. Two.

No. No.

Casey, you're allowed.

That's smart. That's smart.

Casey, no. Two, my second point, there's a lot to be made. My second point is, Oh balloons. My second point is, what speech, what possible speech could the Pope be giving where the first words out of his mouth are about a young woman being murdered? Yeah. What? Let me start with an anecdote. A young woman goes into a church and is murdered.

You know, maybe if there's like a big memorial for that woman in this town that he's like gonna mention as well. You know, that could make sense if there was like never a murder. That was like the first murder in this town. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I hate that Riddle. No, we don't have time for a scene. The episode's over. Yeah, you lost your scene privileges with your long-ass story about the goddamn Pope. Erin, do you have anything to plug?

Can we do the scene after we stop recording? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure, of course, always. Always. We have done so many scenes. I would check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle. All the best stuff is over there. We don't do any riddles, you guys. It's awesome. Adal, anything to plug?

I want to plug the phrase Shot a horse to spook the pope. I think that could be merch. I think that could be a song. I think that could be a board game. I think that could be a card game. It could be like a Rube Goldberg-esque machine, a la the Mousetrap.

Yeah, the product possibilities are endless.

I think this is one of the best gifts given unto thee, so I would say really check out... Does it have the same energy as save a horse, ride a cowboy? I think so. Has better energy.

Better?

Better energy.

Shoot a whore, spook pope. It should be a country song. Yeah. Maybe I'll dick around and write a country song. I won't. And check out our Patreon. And let us know in an email to, I want to say, hrrpod.gmail.com? What's our fucking email?

HRR podcast.

HRR podcast. HRR podcast. Send an email to hrrpodcast and let us know Who your favorite Muppets are? What your favorite episode of Sesame Street is? Let us know. Talk to us.

We miss you. We're worried about you. What's going on?

We love you. We love you.

We love you.

JPC, do you have anything to shoot off?

Yeah, I got a little review to read and I will say... You know, we're running short on these reviews. So if you want to go leave a review anywhere, you can leave reviews. Apple Podcasts, Spotify, whatever. I think Spotify you can only do ratings. You can't do reviews. But leave one. I might mention it on the show. And today I'm reading one from Puck Puck. Puck Puck writes, It's free. Good deal. It's like the three stooges for the 21st century. Okay, thank you, Puck Puck.

That's really nice.

Yeah, it's really nice.

Not mo.

Oh, JPC, whoops. Looks like you're Mo. JPC is Mo.

Who are you? JPC is Mo.

Okay. Well, I'm the dumb one. I'll be Shep. Can I be Shep? I'll be Shep. Erin, did you know that there was another stooge? There's four, I think. But there's a fifth one.

Oh, you're talking about Jupiter?

Just say that, yeah. Okay, so the scene is, JPC, you are the Pope. Erin, you're a horse. And I am stopping my... Come on!

Come on! Casey told me to be editing. We're already parroting the music. We'll go crazy.

Hey there aliens and agents, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We take you behind the scenes at Area 51. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at Patreon.com slash HeyRiddleRiddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad free episodes. See you there!

That was a hate gum podcast.