Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

Erin, hey Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin, hey Erin. What? Sit down. You need to sit down.

Okay.

Big news. Big, big, big, big, big, big news. I don't know if you heard. What happened? Erin, sit down. JBC put something heavy on Erin's lap.

Okay, so dat ass, and then I shake it, and then I smash it, and then I boop, boop, boop, boop.

Perfect, just want to make sure you don't shoot to the ceiling.

I'm having a lot of fun, but what is happening?

Erin, big news.

What? I don't know if you've heard this. Customary to tip, just to tip a little bit, throw a couple dollars in the old string.

I have like two pounds of pennies.

I guess we're gonna have to shoot then.

Erin, I'm gonna read you a news article and I need you not to scream.

Okay.

After Barbie's success, Mattel to make American Doll live-action movie.

Erin? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This is not the first time one of my dances has made somebody go comatose. Erin?

Her soul, I see, it's sort of like a ghost-like Erin rising out of her body, screaming, cheering, calling people on a ghost phone.

Oh, and as her soul rises, there's a, the spirit of it looks like an old, you know, farmhouse on the prairie. What's that joke on farmhouse on the prairie?

That's offensive.

Little farmhouse on the prairie?

I have to tell you something, couple things.

Yes.

First of all, over 200 people sent me that article. Our sweet listeners go like, you are who I associate with American Girl Dolls, which first of all, an honor. Second of all, they need me on that set, right? We have to get me on that set. I'm supposed to be on that set, right?

And not as like a dramaturge or anything like the script supervisor, but as someone who just like hugs the dolls daily.

General vibes.

Dolls need hugs.

I'm there for general vibes.

Henrik Ibsen, a doll's hug. And Erin, did you see that it's Michael Bay directing?

Don't joke about that. Don't joke about such dark things.

Brian Grazer producing?

Yeah, yeah.

I will see it. I will see it opening weekend. You know what? We can start a campaign now. I want you guys, once the social medias come out for this episode, try to get me to the premiere of that movie.

Erin, say less.

Social medias of that movie come out. That's what I meant to say.

You know that kid who was like, I'm going to start with a paperclip and I'll trade this until I have a house. We're going to do that. But with Erin getting on the set of American Girl, or premiere, I'm sorry.

If you know anyone who knows someone, I would like to be at the premiere of this movie.

Please. I think let's get Erin to the premiere of the American Girl doll movie. I think this is going to be a huge movie, not only because it is kind of the return of disgraced director Brett Ratner. You are the worst. He's been attached to this. It's his big comeback. You're the worst. It's his big comeback. Nobody deserves it more.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Unbelievable.

Erin, let's do a little bit of dreamcasting up top.

Okay.

Who are some of your, for live-action American Girl dolls? Right. Who's playing what doll? Just maybe two or three.

I want them to sort of get the technology where the dolls can really come to life. That's sort of what I'm hoping for.

But if that can't happen... What does this mean?

I think that they should cast age-appropriate people to play the dolls. The dolls are like kids.

Okay, so you want to ruin the movie?

No. It's not like Barbie, where Barbie's an adult woman. The American Girl, they're girls dolls.

Can't we just get Margot Robbie to do a little baby voice?

Yeah, it'd be a shame not to have her on the screen, Erin, please.

Oh, that's a good point. No, I think they should cast kids.

Who are the kid actors nowadays? Jenny Slate. Adam Scott.

I don't know how they would do this, though. They can't probably have more than one of the American Girl dolls in the movie because they live at different times in history.

But Erin, what about, I mean, we're living in the Doctor Strange multiverse of madness at this point, so couldn't it possibly just be that they're doing an Into the Spider-Verse but with American Girl dolls? That would be cool.

Okay. Yeah. Very possible. Uh-oh. Erin, there's an update here. It looks like Chris Pratt is gonna do them all.

Oh, Jesus. And Erin, Ratner's out, Bryan Singer is in.

No, no, no, no! Cut it all down.

Erin, Polanski's producing. Can we save it? Can we save it?

Faints in a bad way.

But not the one you think. JBC, not to leave you out, JBC wants you to switch chairs with Erin. I need you sitting down just so you don't fly to the ceiling when you hear this. Hot. The chair I would describe it as hot. This news. Sorry. This might be slightly old news, but it's new to me. During a revelatory Twitter exchange the other day, Tom DeLonge said that his former Bland Band Blink-182's name is actually pronounced, are you ready for this, Blink-18-2! What, does he need attention?

Is he trying to get attention? What's his thing? What's his thing here?

So we've been saying it the whole time, it's Blink-18-2, which is severely less fun to say.

It can't be a money issue. I think he's got enough of that. So it's gotta be a, no one's saying my name, no one's paying attention to me. Does he think that if we don't look at him, he'll disappear? Is that what's going on with Mr. Taco Lounge? He has reverse object permanence. Where are you? Where are you?

Where am I? Roses by the stairs. Is he the one who's speaking to aliens now? Conspiracies?

Yeah, I think so. I think that's time to launch.

Casey said this is like the guy who made GIFs saying that they're pronounced GIFs. Like, fuck off, dude. Casey?

Yeah.

Didn't agree more.

The world has turned and left you here, to quote my favorite band, Blink-182.

And just so we're not starting off with just news, why don't we do something- Did you want to sit down? I want to sit down. Did you have news for you? I have news for me, which is, for 2024, we haven't yet done this. And I think it's time we do an animal parade, but I feel like I want to class it up a bit. Would you guys mind doing an animal soiree?

Would I mind? No, sir.

Ti-tu-tat-tu-tu-tu-tat An owl with a monocle.

Ti-tu-tat-tu-tu-ti-tat A snake with a champagne flute. Ti-tu-tat-tu-tu-tu-tat A shark eating Havarti.

Tu-ti-tat-tu-ti-tat A monkey slapping a butler.

Ti-tu-tat-tu-ti-tu-tat A vulture paying off the family of somebody he hit with a car. A horse in a corset. Animal soiree. Soiree. Soiree.

And all those things. Soirees aren't just fancy, there's some dirty deeds. Butlers get slapped, families get paid off. Yeah, yeah. It's like an episode of Secession. Yeah, exactly. Well, let me read. Here's, of course, with Animal Soiree, we have to read some animal news. Here's an article for me that's upsetting me more than anything else, which is, new ancient shark species discovered hidden in world's largest cave system.

This is the plot to The Meg, right? Isn't this the whole fucking thing with The Meg?

That can't be right. This is breaking news. This is from October 13th, 2023. So was the Meg written before then?

Couldn't be.

I couldn't say.

The Meg was not written.

A previously unknown species of ancient shark has been discovered in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park, home to the world's longest cave system. The system which is located... What? I don't want to hear about the system, I want to hear about this shark. Here's my thing. Famously, I'm afraid of sharks. We'll never touch water.

World's oldest shark discovered in Kentucky? What's going on?

I will never go in the ocean again. I'm terrified of sharks now. The last couple of years have made me absolutely just shaking in awe of their power. Let's hear about this shark, not the cave system. Richard... I'm double-checking this. Before we go into this, Kentucky, right? You said Kentucky? Yes, it was a shark found in Kentucky. He was wearing a bowler hat, he had wired glasses, drinking a mint julep.

Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, Tennessee. Which one of those are oceans? I can't remember. Is North Carolina the ocean? No, North Carolina does not touch Kentucky, by the way.

Researchers identified the ancient shark species after finding several small spoon-like teeth in a cave wall. So this is a shark with spoon teeth, which hurts more than sharp teeth.

It's a soup shark.

It's a soup shark.

Kentucky touches seven states. Is there another state that touches more states than Kentucky? That's insane. Seven states?

Well, I think I agree that New York touches us all. Are you two not afraid of sharks?

I'm not really trying to go where they are or bother them. I think I'm more afraid of other things than I am of sharks.

To me, sharks would be a silly thing to fear because I feel like I interact with the domain of the shark on a day-to-day basis so very little. But this is my thought, because I'm in Illinois, there are no sharks, but if there are sharks in Kentucky, then maybe I gotta start being a little more scared of these ancient sharks that live in the pipes or whatever.

I do like that there's like a, it's almost like genie rules or something, where it's like, you can be in Kentucky, but your teeth have to be spoons. Done.

Do you think it was a genie rule or do you think it was a monkey paw where the shark was like, I just want to get away. And they're like, what about Kentucky? And they're like, yeah, no sharks in Kentucky. Let's go. Then he goes, he shows up and his teeth are spoons. And he's like, come on, man. I think it was a genie's paw. I think let's split the difference.

I do want to see a scene. Let's see here. JPC, you're going to be a genie. Erin, you just bought this beautiful little lamp at an antique store. You just got home and you're polishing it. And JPC is going to try and trick you.

This lamp is so dirty. Why is it so dirty?

Because I'm in it! Honestly, usually takes me way longer for a setup like that for me to pop out, but... Get the hell out of my house. I would love to, but points to a little ankle monitor on my ankle. Cannot go within 50 meters of the lamp, so at all times, court ordered. Unfortunately, genie court. Ew!

Oh my gosh, you're a genie!

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I get three wishes. Oh my gosh.

Okay, cool. So you know the thing, I don't really have to go through it, but yes, I am a genie. I'm actually kind of hungry. I'm just gonna scrounge. Girl dinner. Do you mind if I go through the old cabinet tree here?

I do. I do mind. I actually have a party later tonight, and so all this is sort of party prep. Is it a popcorn party? Kind of. I mean, yeah. Are you here to judge my party or give me three wishes?

I'm here. I can do whatever I want when I'm here, as long as I have permission. It sounds like I don't have permission to have a snack, which sucks, because I've just been in LA for like a hundred years. What year is it?

2023?

2024. I got a hundred on the dot?

How did I do that? Wow. Just kidding. It's because I'm a genie. I have a clock in there. But okay, whatever. Let's get to brass tacks.

I'll give you a snack if you grant my three wishes.

I'm gonna grant the wishes, okay? I don't bargain.

But you are familiar with genies, right? What do I want? Yes. Genies. What do I want? What do I want?

Yeah. And genies give you a wish, but also, you know, sometimes they give you the thing that you didn't actually wish for that was part of the wish, like kind of like tricking, just so you know. I'm not the kind of genie that does that. I'm all above board. I'm all on the level. I don't do that.

So I can't wish for more wishes?

I mean, do you want me to go through the whole thing? Because of course, no, you can't wish for more wishes. Go through the whole thing. That's like genie 101. I'm a genie. Okay, I've been trapped in this lamp. You have rubbed the lamp and freed me from my prison. You're gonna put me back in there?

He drops all his next cards.

Oh man. Oh boy. Okay. No, no, this is fine. She picks them all up. Okay. If you try to start up a romantic relationship with me, I get to decide if I want to reciprocate.

No thank you.

You said you wanted to know all the rules.

Yeah, but no thank you. on the show.

Yeah, exactly. None of that either. I can't go back and save him. Can't mess with the timeline stuff. But just wishes.

Wishes. Can I wish for another genie to come after you so technically I could get five wishes?

How would that be five?

Well, I would get one is to wish for another genie.

Oh, because you're burning one on me. Yeah. Yeah.

No, yeah. I could ask him for another genie too. So I guess it's sort of infinite wishes, but...

No, because that's a genie chain that's also against the rules. You can do two. You can do two to get five, but if you try to do another genie on top of that, that's a genie chain. I want two to get five, please. Two to get five? Okay, great.

Can you have your brother here or whoever?

Yes, I do. There's another genie that will come, but I did kind of lie about the genie tricking you thing.

What?

The next genie that comes is going to be hard of hearing, so he is not really going to be able to hear a lot of your wishes. He's going to have to do his best to interpret, so I would be very careful with those last three. Two more from me, though. Sure I can't have a bite? Smart choice, you don't want to see genie poop.

Smart choice. A genie on house arrest. You guys are kind of all are. I know, Erin, one of your wishes that you told us in secret was you wish to do more riddles. Is that right?

Look behind me, confused.

Here's our first riddle today. Genie shrugs, hard of hearing genie goes, huh?

We did what? You wanna play more fiddles? Holds the earth, counts in rings, has arms but no face, stays in one place.

Holds the earth, counts in rings, has arms but no face, stays in one place.

And it's not Elizabeth Taylor.

Sun? The sun?

Uh, no. Yeah, the sun's arms. Gravity? No. Holds the earth, counts in rings, big, big hint, has arms but no face, stays in one place.

I give up.

And it's Really sort of hold things down on the terrestrial plane, on the sort of Earth's surface.

Oh, paperweight.

Count in rings. Well, uh... Trees? Yeah, it's trees.

Whatever.

Oh, yes, trees. They count in rings.

They count in rings. And I do want to see a scene. Erin and JPC, you're both two trees talking about your recent divorces.

I'm thinking about, like, moving where my roots are.

What do you mean? Like, in the ground?

Yeah.

Oh, don't do that.

Don't do that. I'm thinking about like just starting over somewhere else.

I think, first of all, that is a wonderful idea, starting over somewhere else. But you got to you got to keep reaching towards the light. You can't just bury yourself down in your roots. You know, you got to you got to make the best of a bad situation.

I mean, you and I are recently divorced to each other, from each other.

I thought it was amicable though. Am I getting a wrong, am I getting a different read off of it?

Amicable.

I thought we were both, I thought we were both trying to like, you know, branch out.

I thought we were both trying to... This is part of why it happened, is puns like this.

Look, you don't date, you don't marry a riverboat comedian tree if you don't want jokes like this. But again, that's why we're divorced.

That's why we're divorced. Thank you all for sailing down the Mississippi with us. We have a special guest. You might have noticed we aren't moving. That's because we have a tree growing through us. Please welcome tonight's entertainment, the comedian tree.

Hey, look at everybody in the audience tonight. What a good... Why did I say this? Why did I say this is what I was? What a good-looking group of people out there.

Hey, you're barking up the wrong tree with us.

Is that my ex-wife? Oh my god. Oh my god. She's in the audience. Who is that?

Leave us alone!

Who's she with? Is that a dentist? Look at the teeth on that guy. Oh my god. What did I do? They're spoons!

Scene. Spruce Valanche? Try to think of it, right? Sleeps for a thousand years, yet in a single day, covers mile upon mile with darkness and dismay. And don't say Adal. Sleeps for a thousand years, yet in a single day, covers mile upon mile with darkness and dismay.

Is this like sand or like the sand in the desert? Eclipse. Maybe.

It's not eclipse, it's not sand.

The moon. A planet.

It sleeps for a thousand years. That sounds like hyperbole to me.

It's... Here's what I'll say. There's some of these that definitely have slept for thousands of years. It's not hyperbole. But most... Not most of them.

Volcano.

Yes, Erin, it's volcano. Wow. Good job. I'd like to see a scene. Okay.

JPC, you are a volcano. Adal, you are a nearby mountain that he's venting to about how he's like really angry and he's probably about to blow.

Venting to?

I swear to God, if one more hiker throws one of those Clif Bar wrappers anywhere on me, I think I'm going to blow my fucking top. Carl, I think I'm going to lose it. From the last time he got pissed, I just got all the soot off. I was filthy. I put a towel to my face and pulled it away. It looked like the Shroud of Turin. Are you familiar with the Shroud of Turin? I'm a volcano, not an idiot. Yes, I'm familiar with the Shroud of Turin. Okay. The cloth that Christ wiped his brow with. Yeah. And imprinted his face upon the cloth. I'm familiar. How dirty was his face? You know, it's different for you mountains. It's different for you mountains. Because you, there's literally nothing that you can do. I mean, sure, a rock slide. You can kill a couple dozen of these hikers. But you just don't, you just don't have the pent-up anger that I have. And I wish I could be cool like you. I wish I could. I just can't. I am a volcano. I am who I am, you know? Yeah, no, but I still get mad. Like, don't be reductive to my feelings, right? You're not the only person in the world with, uh, emotions, right? I avalanched yesterday! I killed a ski- I was- there was somebody- there was a guy skiing down my armpit, and it tickled, and I was like, this sucks, and I just opened up some of- I just opened up my mouth, and snow covered him whole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the same. What you are describing is the same. 135 million years ago, I killed almost all the dinosaurs. But yeah, what you're talking about is the same as what I did. You think you killed... so here's the thing. I'm not your therapist. I'm not your therapist. You have delusions of grandeur. You think you killed all the dinosaurs yourself? I killed almost all the dinosaurs. How... what do you think your reach is? Huh? If you blow your top right now, what do you think your reach is? A million? A million? Okay, interesting. I don't know. Far as I can see. How big do you think the world is, Carl? Can't be much bigger than what we can see, right? I mean, I guess past that river over there is probably where it cuts off. I definitely got past that river. I know. I know I killed the pterodactyl past that river. I know I did. You saw it fall? Was it just landing? It could have been landing. No, it wasn't just landing. It went down fast. I definitely hit it with ash.

I held a piece of ice that wasn't cold, found a lovely crystal that wasn't old. I beheld a rainbow that wasn't in the sky. Tell me what it is and do not lie. But it's like nature's kaleidoscope. I held a piece of ice that wasn't cold. Found a lovely crystal that wasn't old. I beheld a rainbow that wasn't in the sky. Big, big hint. Tell me what it is and do not lie. Yeah, I was gonna say like an oil spill. This is like a diamond that would produce a gasoline type rainbow effect. Welcome back.

Produces rainbows? Yeah. Well, any prism that you shine a light through is going to produce a rainbow, right? Wait, what was that word? Prism? It's a prism.

Oh, God. Oh, man.

I'm in a prism of my own making. Is a prism a type of crystal, or is it like the family that crystals reside inside of?

Hey, I'll be 100% straight up honest with you. I don't mind looking like an asshole on this podcast. I thought a prism was a shape. I thought it was a type of shape.

I gave up Googling this month, so I can't help.

Erin, congrats. And is it Lent already?

What?

Oh, sorry, you gave up Google for Lent.

I can't.

I can't look it up. 90s band. Erin, I'm so proud of you for giving your fingers a rest.

Thank you. They hurt so bad.

They needed it. And they needed one.

They needed it.

Self-care is finger care. What do you have to say to me?

Soundless billows, formless dances, wingless rises, footless prances. What was that? Fart. It's a fart. You're warm. Warm fart. Soundless billows, formless dances, wingless rises, footless prances. What was that? A shart? That's a warm fart.

I have to listen to this riddle, JPC. Please stop interrupting. I can't make heads or tails of it if you keep interrupting with your silly answers.

Soundless billows, formless dances, wingless rises, footless prances, spreading around till it can't be found. Smoke. Erin, you're dead on at smoke.

Wow!

Good, good job. Smoke is basically like nature's fart.

Can I smoke in this podcast?

Can you smoke in here? This is a no smoking podcast.

Why? No, Adal. Will it explode? Why?

Because sometimes Sandy's kids come on this podcast.

Erin, I have a room in my house for just the dads to go in and smoke cigars, and you're more than welcome to come in and smoke cigars with the rest of the dads in my dad cigar room.

Thank you, JPC, but I can't smoke on this podcast.

Now, this is a Norton Smoking Podcast, unfortunately.

It is funny, candy cigarettes, Big League Chew, it is funny that at some point people were like, what do kids want most in the world? Smoke a cigarette? Do tobacco?

Drugs for kids! Drugs for kids!

Well it's also funny too because like, the whole, I mean you're not allowed to like advertise smoking to children anymore, even though there's ways around that and obviously it still happens. But, like, for so long, like, all this stuff that is advertising to kids, this is just, like, adults whose job it is to get, like, kids hooked on things like this. Like, I remember all the commercials that I saw when I was, like, a kid for, like, board games and toys and shit like that. I'm like, this is all—this is, like, a 45-year-old person in, like, a marketing boardroom being like, How do we get this 11-year-old to like really want this Nerf gun? And they did a great job, but like it's not like kids, you know, in the same way we're like marketing to kids. It's not like you were going to the playground and like hearing the scuttlebutt from all the kids.

A lot of it is, yeah, so like Easy Bake Oven, it's like how do we get kids cooking? Or like all the baby dolls are like, let's get kids parenting early. Ring pops, let's get them addicted to, you know, marriage.

I remember also Nickelodeon magazine, the commercial for Nickelodeon magazine was basically about how to ask your parents for it. It was like, go to your parents and ask them for this thing.

Call them at work right now. I know you know the number for emergencies. Call them. If they say they're busy, they're lying. Call back.

You need the magazine.

You're a child who needs a magazine.

Shaped like a shoe, moved by hand, carries four feet, but not on land. This is like a canoe. What's shaped like a shoe? You got it in one. This is a canoe. No. What? This is a canoe.

Hey, Adal, I learned something. Swear to God. Wow, it's canoe. Adal, the neighborhood that we live in in Chicago, I don't mind saying, Portage Park, I learned that portage, I had no idea what portage was as a concept.

It's a breakfast sort of oatmeal.

Little Miss Muffet sat on tuffer eating her porridge.

You have to eat your portage, Mr. Frodo. You won't have strength to take the ring. No, but portage, it means, I guess the area where we live, there used to be like, it used to be like land between rivers, which is wild because there's like, there's no rivers around here now. And portage was when you took your like boat out of one river and then walked it across like a part of land to the other river. That was the portage. Wow. Hey Riddle Riddle. Oh God, if sharks can be... Oh my God, that's how they got there? Somebody lifted them out of the ocean and walked their asses to Kentucky? That would be fucking... Honestly, that would be fucking fantastic. If you just saw... Like, you're driving down the highway and you saw like an 18-wheeler, but it was just like a clear glass fish tank with a huge shark in there. They're like, yeah, we're putting the shark in Kentucky. We've run out of ideas about what life should be or whatever, so that's what we're doing.

We're just trying things out. We're trying things out. I don't know if this is real or not. I did see something where it was like they found a whale in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. Not like a whale skeleton, like a recent whale. Like a living whale? Not living. Definitely dead, but not yet decomposed. What? Again, I don't know if this is real or not. I didn't do any research, but I remember I had taken an edible, I was looking at news, and I saw that. There it is, yeah.

Okay, all right.

But how did that whale get there? What's going on?

Well, Adal, I'll tell you how the world got there. It didn't, man. You were on TikTok.

I remember I was looking at my hand, I was scrolling through my hand, and I saw the wildest news article. Also, I should say, listeners, if you're ever in Chicago, stop by the actual park in Portage Park, and I'd say 50% of the time, you'll run into me and JPC.

Yeah. Yeah. Especially between the months of November to March. That's our big park time.

They're fighting pigeons for little pieces of bread at the park if you want to find them.

First of all, I'm just surviving. The pigeons choose to fight.

Yeah. They don't eat all that bread.

They don't eat all that bread, Erin. What are they going to do? They're going to explode if they eat all that bread.

We're going to do one more before we take a break here. In weather fair, my ribs I cup. In weather foul, I put them up. In weather fair, my ribs I cup. In weather foul, I put them up. And weather's fair.

Umbrella? It's an umbrella.

I'm a genius.

You are a genius, Erin.

I'm the smartest person I have ever met.

Erin, I want to see a quick scene. It's a rainy day, you're in a building, you're about to go outside, everyone's just watching the rain outside of the building, but you have devised a brand new type of umbrella that you're so excited to show off to all of these people in the building.

Great day at work, everybody. What a fun day at work. I'll be going. Hope you don't look at me while I walk outside.

Oh, uh... Gin, watch out. It's cats and dogs out there. Yeah, it's really coming down. We're all just trying to, like, yeah, wait out the rain a little bit.

I know that people around the office call my little invention silly or dangerous. But not this one. What if you use a flamethrower?

Oh, boy.

Today we're

Jan, you didn't bring a flamethrower to work with you all day, did you?

That would be a weapon. I brought a new kind of umbrella to work with me.

And Jan, I can't express enough, the top of your head looks like Joe Pesci in Home Alone.

Thank you. Don't hit on me at work, though. Go through HR.

Yeah, if you want to hit on her, go through HR Chuck.

Go through HR! Anyways, I hope you guys don't watch this work.

HR will leave a love letter on Jan's desk. Now Jan, you say it's not a weapon. You say it's an umbrella. Right. But we had three fire alarms today. You guys heard those? All of 18 smelled like burning.

Testing those out in the bathroom.

Were you testing it out in the office?

Yeah. Well, I'm off to my apartment.

Well actually, speaking of HR, Doug did want to say something. He mentioned that today you swung by his desk, put your finger in his coffee and said, oh that's a little chilly. Used your flamethrower to reheat it and actually melted his cup.

The cup melted, yep.

Yeah, it released some fumes and he has been in the ER ever since.

Uh-huh, and his computer melted, and his desk, and his arm.

Yeah, I guess we should go ahead and say he died. I got a call that he did die, yeah.

Yeah, he looked like Daniel Stern in Home Alone.

I'll hear it from HR, okay? You're supposed to go through HR.

The doctors are waiting on the autopsy, but they think it could have been a heart attack. What's Well, Jen, have a good weekend. No! Have a good one. Well... No! Oh my God, she's pointing the flamethrower at us!

Calm down.

I'm just gonna... You guys are gonna watch me go outside. I'm gonna go in that fountain that's right outside our office building. You guys are gonna watch me use my new invention, and everyone's gonna take me serious. Ready? One, two, three.

A skate park.

She's walking to a skate park. Oh, there's a lot of birds about to land on our head.

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, the birds are taking the flamethrower! Wow, they are flying away with that flamethrower.

Call 911, I'm on fire.

Speaking of catchphrases, I accidentally- you know how I'm sick right now?

Yeah, I mean, not to brag, but I'm sick all the time. Oh, okay.

That's a different kind of sickness.

Well, I went to go see a show, and on the way back, we passed Ripley's Believe It or Not. And John said, and I was so confused and sick when he was talking, but what he was actually asking is like, how would you bring up Ripley's Believe It or Not as like a sitcom joke? Like, how would you word it? Okay, okay, I understand. And I said, Beep-o's gotta see it to believe it. And he went, excuse me? And I went, that's the kind of misunderstanding that is only reserved, that level of Erin's stupidity only happens on a Hey Riddle Riddle episode. And it's the first time in a real life situation where I have been Hey Riddle Riddle stupid in real life.

Which is a very specific type of stupid. Yeah, like a sickness is giving you Hey Riddle Riddle brain and normal life. That's unfortunate.

I know, and isn't that scary? Be careful out there, y'all.

Beep-o's Gotta See It To Believe It?

Yeah, because I was like, I guess this is what he's asking. And he was like, excuse me? Who the fuck is Beep-o?

You're saying in 2024, if you're stupid on Hey Riddle Riddle, you're stupid in real life.

Yeah, and I'm scared.

This is like Nightmare on Elm Street.

Yeah, the call's coming from inside the house type of thing.

The idiocy is coming from inside the podcast and now outside the podcast.

Beep-o's Gotta See It To Believe It!

Ripley's Believe It or Not. One, I think it's funny that it's said like a school kid would like, I don't know, believe it or not, like it seems like a, like someone's being defensive. Like, I don't care, man. Like telling a tall tale.

Erin, is Ripley's Believe It or Not a wax museum? What is Ripley's Believe It or Not? I don't know what it is.

It's in Hollywood, which is not a great area.

To me, it occupies the same space in my head from childhood as the Guinness Book of World Records, which is it just like... Curiosities?

Is it just like... I can't Google, so someone else has to know.

So I think Guinness Book of World Records is like... Well, one, it's... I feel like a lot of people don't know this, but at the same time, I feel like... I don't know. Guinness Book of World Records was created by Guinness the brewery, much like the Michelin Guide was created by Michelin Tires. I think Michelin Guide was created by Michelin Tires to get people to travel around more, to use more tires, to wear out their... Riddle Riddle. I don't know who Ripley's is, so I don't know who started this.

Now, this I can help you with, because Ripley is the dinosaur bad guy from Metroid. Oh, there you go.

Yes, thank you. But I think Guinness is like legit records where it's like someone actually did this, someone grew their nails out this long, and we have kind of They sent one of their scouts down to measure and actually document it. I think Ripley's Believe It or Not is more like hearsay and more like... This could be a lie.

Yes, tall tales and big fish. Yeah, it feels more like P.T. Barnum. This is like a mermaid. We have a mermaid skeleton.

It's basically, I think, it's modern-day Sideshow paired with Cabinet of Curiosities.

God, I love when we figure out what something is by not looking into what it is. That to me is the perfect way to get information. That's just being a man.

Spin your wheels until something sounds right.

Talk until you feel confident and then just move on.

The wheels are the penis. That's what every boy's father tells him.

Okay, we just got an email from Michelin. They're terrified that wheels are their penises.

Would the Michelin Man be any more terrifying if he was made out of penises than tires?

No, that's a lateral move.

A man made of penises? Adal, do you have another riddle? I do. Oh, good. Tis the work of one's hands hangs as high as one's head, tells of a place at a time, though never a word be said. Clock. Not a clock, but you're not too far off. Clog. Hands though. Tis the work of one's hands hangs as high as one's head, tells of a place at a time, though never a word be said. JPC, did you say clog? Is it like a photo? Erin, blazing hot.

A mirror, a picture, a painting?

Uh, it's a painting! It is the work of one's hands. It hangs as high as one's head.

I'd like to see a scene. Wow. JPC, you are a security guard at a museum, and Adal, you are convinced that a painting just winked at you.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I'm just going around telling everybody, ten minutes left in the museum visiting hours today.

Okay, is your name tag correct? Is it Frank?

Yes.

Is that right? Okay. Yeah. I don't know how to say this. I was in the Modern Wing. Okay. The Four Marilyn Monroes by the Soup Guy. The Soup Guy. The Four Marilyn Monroes by the Soup Guy.

The Pittsburgh Soup Guy. The guy. Oh, the Warhol. Warhol. Warhol.

Yeah. The Four Marilyn Monroes all just winked at me. Sure. And I don't know if that's part of it. I don't know if this is like immersive or...

It's not. That shouldn't happen. You have to ask just because of the way that you're dressed. Have you taken some drugs today? And it's okay. I'm not here to pounce people. The way that I'm dressed?

I'm sorry, are Trader Joe's tote bags not pants anymore? It's not the content of your clothing, it's just that they're all on backwards. It's the way that you're dressed. Is that Martin Luther King? Listen.

It looks like you had a dream of what you wanted to wear today and you put this on instead.

I'm a fashionista, or a maxinista, to be TJ Maxinista. Is Marshall the same as TJ Max? Anyway, we don't have time.

I just ask because a lot of people who have experiences in the Warhol exhibit, it's because they may be on some drugs, a pot, some ketamine, some horse tranquilizer, something like that, and I just wanted to make sure that that's not the case. And if it is the case, that's fine, that's probably what happened to you. All of those are in my system, yes, but I stabbed the painting and it started bleeding, so... Okay, so yeah, now we did get a call of someone who wandered into the second floor bathroom and said, I've never seen so many war holes, and then started stabbing little holes inside of the stall doors. Was that... I'm putting two and two together. They're matching the description of man wearing Trader Joe's bags as pants. That was you.

No, two and two is four. Hey man, I saw the documentary Ghostbusters 2. I know what paintings can do when they come to life.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you. You're one of the coolest guys I've ever seen.

Thank you, finally.

One of the coolest fucking guys I've ever met. Thank you. The museum closes at this point in like eight minutes. Why don't we do this? I'll close it down. I'll let everybody else out. I'll let you spend a night in the museum. Okay? And if the drugs that you have told me you are on, you are actually rolling on, you're gonna have the time of your life.

Oh my God, so you're saying we could run through Sunday in the Park, we could eat at the Nighthawks, we could... I'm going home, I have a wife and a family.

I just want to give you this experience because I thought that this would be fun and cool for you. I have a wife and a family. I'm a lock the doors from the... what, you do?

I had. You had, oh my God. They're inside a painting now. Whistler's mother, that's my wife.

Yeah, yeah, this is right for you. Blue Boy, that's my son.

Monk's Scream is my other son.

I'm gonna do this right for you. He's being chased. He's being chased. And why don't you actually, why don't you do this? Go ahead and just look off into the distance. Look at that painting way, way at the end. Do you see it? Way down there? Turn your head.

Oh, yeah. Way down there.

Yeah, you see it? Oh, yeah. You see it?

I see it. Oh, it's a beautiful, it's lilies. It's a bunch of water lilies.

Yeah, it's lilies. Wow. Beautiful water lilies.

Think about that. Wink. Focus on that. They just winked at me. The lilies link, the... Go talk to him, man.

Go talk to him. Scene.

It's gotta be a pretty boring job to be a security guard at a museum.

You might as well have your own fun. How many... GPC, I think you nailed it. How many people who are high go to museums? Because I feel like it's a higher percentage than you think. I feel like people take edibles and then go to stare at paintings.

Field trips and high people.

Yeah, old people, some grandchildren, and high people.

What's, when you go to a museum, do you, are you arms folded in front of you? Are you hands behind your back in the small of your back to show that you're like being thoughtful? Are you a fist on the chin?

I think I have my hands behind my back. I think I have my hands behind my back so I can feel thoughtful. Yeah.

Because if you have your hands crossed, it feels like you don't get it. You're signaling to other people around you, you don't get it. If your hands are behind your back, clasped, then people are like, this guy knows. He's really contemplating what the artist is saying.

And I'm like, when I'm walking around, I'm like, Monet, Monet, Monet.

My move is to just take such a big deep breath in when I see a picture and then burst into tears and then just stare like nodding at it like, oh my gosh, this has changed my life.

Yeah, that's a good move. That's a good move.

And I don't give a shit about paintings. Boring.

Boring. Art is nothing to me.

Well, art is nothing, but ads are everything. So let's take a quick break, we'll hear from some ads, and we'll be back with more art.

Hey Adal, hey Adal, I got a bone to pick with the one of you. Wait a second, what's going on? Yeah, JPC?

Yeah, JPC?

Oh, good. For a second, I thought that the guy who knocked me on the head real hard before we started recording, I thought maybe there was going to be some effects from that, but it seems like everything is fine. I'm just here with my two Adals. Yep, I cloned myself.

I ate this sheep. On the menu, it said sheep a la dolly. It was so good. And when I ate it, I split in two.

Anyway, Adal and Adal, I got a bone to pick with the two of you because I told you that I wanted to kind of kick off 2024 by picking up a new skill, and I thought, why not learn a new language? And you told me, go down to the seashore, look for one of those guys with the big pinchy claws, pick him up, put him to my ear, and let him whisper a new language to me. Well, I got my ears pinched to high heaven.

Oh, no. I said call a cab or sign up for Babbel. I think he was going for Krabble. Oh, I missed that part. Yeah, no, it's fine. It's fine.

Oh, okay, so what I should have done to be a better me in 2024 is use Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works, and not have it crab whisper secrets to me at the seashore.

Yeah, one in five Americans, or two out of two adults, have learn a new language on their bucket list, JPC. If that's you or another JPC that might appear later, make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babbel.

Yeah, don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors for thousands of dollars to a crab who promises to teach you spells, or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. Babbel's quick, 10-minute lessons are designed by over 150 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little

Adal get this, that's three weeks.

And as you can see, Babbel's designed by real people for real conversations like the one that we all just witnessed. And Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teachings so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. As-salamu alaykum. Alaykum as-salam! And Babbel's Convenient Courses have actually helped Adal and I, it doesn't seem like it, learn real-life conversation skills. I love it, because it's like you can do it every day, it's quick, it's ten-minute lessons, it's not overwhelming. I'm currently trying to pick up Spanish, and it's okay. It says that you can do it in three weeks. It's okay if you don't do it in three weeks, just so everybody knows.

It's totally fine. It's not like there's two of you. Hey, JPC, Adal and I have a little secret for you. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash riddle. Adal, do you mind if I? Yeah, go ahead. Get 55% off at babbel.com slash riddle spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash riddle. Rules and restrictions may apply.

Now come to think of it, that guy that hit me in the head right before we started recording did look an awful lot like that crab from the beach.

You paid this guy $1,000? Was he a king crab, at least? Haha, it's me! The villain from the tick, Chairface! Sound like Dr. Chameleon. No, it's Chairface, and I'm here to tell you about Squarespace. It's Chairface talking about Squarespace. I'm

You use Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand. Squarespace, the one that makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all in your terms? Dr. Comedian? A new canonical character?

That's something that you use? That's right, I mostly use their online store where I sell my t-shirts, 10 cc's of chuckles. You can sell your products on an online store whether you sell physical, digital, or service products. Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online. Where's everybody from? Where are you from, sir?

Uh, around here. Local. Can't do much with that. Well, hey, speaking of something you can't do much with, Squarespace has an asset library where you can upload, organize, and access all your content from one place. With the new asset library, you're able to manage all your files from one central hub and use them across the Squarespace platform. For instance, I have compiled all of the known recordings of Dr. Comedian here in our asset library. I'm going over this now. Wait a second, Dr. Comedian, are you Brad Garrett?

That's right. Everybody loves Raymond, and everybody hates Dr. Comedian. I'll be playing at Chuckleberry Fins in Philadelphia, PA. I'm definitely interested.

Plus, when you design your products, production, inventory, and shipping are all handled for you, saving you time and money.

So head to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code RIDDLE. But don't just take it from me, Brad Garrett playing Dr. Comedian playing Dr. Chameleon playing Chair Face. Take it from JPC.

Uh, I can't endorse anything that Brad Garrett, Dr. Chameleon, Dr. Chameleon squared. Oh God, I was so close. I was so close. I don't know this man. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hey JBC, it's me, American folklore hero Paul Bunyan. I just wanted to tell you about BetterHelp. I don't know if you know, but Babe, my blue ox. Oh yeah, big blue ox. Big blue ox. He quit, so I was kind of bummed out, but BetterHelp has been helping me through moving on from Babe the blue ox.

Oh, Paul, it was an employment thing? I thought you were friends or something.

It's very complicated.

Great. And I don't, and that's cool. And I don't need to know anymore, but oh man, that's, that's a bummer, but I'm glad that you're using BetterHelp and using online therapy to kind of process your feelings because honestly, friendship breakups, or I guess this is an employee breakup, can be just as devastating as like a relationship breakup.

And you know, JPC, around New Year's we get obsessed with how to change ourselves instead of just expanding on what we're already doing, right? Like, you know, moving boulders and demolishing mountains or whatever it is I do in my stories. Maybe you finally get organized. Organize one part of your house or your life and you want to tackle another or maybe you're taking supplements every morning like Babe was eating full artichokes every day. And now you want to actually eat breakfast too, you know?

You know, Paul, I just think it is so great for you to be embracing online therapy. I know that I, JPC, have used online therapy in my life. I find it so convenient. I love talking, having that instant connection with my therapist. I don't feel like drive to a place, sit in a waiting room. And so often in our society, people like you from hundreds of years ago are resistant to this type of technology. So I'm really glad that you are embracing online therapy.

Yeah, absolutely. It's hard to hold my phone because how big I am, but I do... I'm not a Luddite. I do enjoy technology.

Well, there's nothing wrong with the Luddites, actually. Their political message was pretty impressive. So if we all take a minute to take the word Luddite out of our vocabulary as a dirty word, I think we'll find that's not really the point of this. Because the point of this is if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists in time for no additional charge.

Celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Riddle. Oh, hey, look who's back. Oh, babe. I love you. Sorry, it's not Babe the Box. It's Jolly Green Giant, my, uh, my partner.

You're gonna want to make yourself scarce, little human. Yep, I'm out of here. I'm getting out of here. See ya!

You guys, I see something on the horizon.

Horizon?

Someone's galloping up to us on a horse.

Who could that be? Who's that guy from... he fights like windmills. What's that guy's... JPC, you know this book. Is it Zordon? That's his name. He's like the brain inside the body.

I am my Zoron.

No wait, it's Sandy.

Oh yeah, from that horror.

Sandy, who is this guy riding up to us?

Oh no, the guy is the Sandy. Oh, the horse is riding Sandy. Is that what you're saying? You think of Zoltar from movie Big?

Yeah.

Okay. I was thinking of Zordon from the Power Rangers. So I said the right thing.

But Zoltar wasn't big, so we gotta give Sandy, he wants to win, one. We gotta give him his win. You know somebody had to feed that Zordon.

So anyways, it's good to see you.

Good to see you. It's great to see you guys. How you been? Since I saw you last. Any news in the world of outside the sandbox?

Good, bad, and sick, and you have to get with what?

One of us is good at coughing, one of us is bad at coughing, and one of us is sick. Sandy, let's get this saddle off you and why don't you saunter or trot on over to some riddles. Yeah, well, I don't have to trot it over. You're the one who's doing the trotting. I got all my riddles ready to go, fired up in this sand cannon of puzzles. Does that make sense? You're gonna get blasted with a sand cannon?

You're gonna get sandblasted. I also like you're the one who's gonna do the trotting. That's a cool thing to say to a person.

I don't love that, to be honest, but we're just gonna let it fly. I don't know why a horse is riding me. Yeah, keep telling people that. He said his name is Friday. Get out of here. Let's go back to this canon. This is the one where I'm gonna give you a sentence and leave two blanks in the sentence. The blanks need to be filled out by the name of a musical artist and then a song made famous by that artist. The order is up to you to figure out. So for example, I'll give you an example that we can work out together. Whenever Betty White's Golden Girls character writes a letter, she blanks it with a blank.

She seals it from a kiss from a rose. Yes!

Kiss from a rose.

Oh man, I'm gonna do so bad at this. I can't wait.

I think you were pretty good at this last time, Erin.

Yeah, you were really good at it.

I don't know.

And I don't think I ever got one last time, but I remember I loved doing these. These are very fun to do.

There used to be a blanch in Florida, live with me. I've been to that from his song. You got the first blast. You're doing great. Let's go on to the next one. As the story goes, Blank was in a blank to whitewash that fence, so he enlisted his friends to help. Tom Sawyer. Rush Tom Sawyer. Rush! Wow!

Oh my gosh. I hadn't even started thinking yet, Adal. That was so fast.

New Tom Sawyer! White, white fence! Oh, Erin, you don't want to think about these riddles. It's too much fun. Just stay over there. I'll think about the riddles. It's way too much fun. You wouldn't like it.

That's how he got us, that's how he got your ass on the Riddle podcast to begin with.

Yeah. So? This whole thing's a big Tom Sawyer bit.

Great job. Adalind Rastor's above the church just looking down on us.

Now just to remind you guys, both of those were pretty literal on the nose. Some of these are gonna be more like homophones. I won't tell you which, it'll be up to you to figure it out. I bet the next one's going to be a homophone. Easy, easy bet. Excuse me. Am I that predictable? I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. Yes, I am.

He's changing it.

He's changing it.

No, these are written down. I can't change it. I've committed. The woman walked in on her boyfriend cheating and said, Blank timing bastard. I'm moving to a place you'll never find me. Blank. Two. Two timing. Boys, two men timing me. The woman walked in on her boyfriend cheating and said, blank, timing bastard, I'm moving to a place you'll never find me, blank. You too, Sunday Bloody Sunday. Really, it's so many- Where the streets have no names. Well, that's what I was going for, where the streets have no names. I'm moving to a place where streets have no names, so you'll never be able to find me.

That's how you'll never be able to find me, you two-timing bastard. Okay, got it. You'll never find me.

It'll be a beautiful day. Discotheque. Uh-huh. Okay. Octoon Baby. Oh, I should have included Octoon Baby. Octoon Baby.

That would have been better. Yeah, Octoon Baby would have made that better.

Alright, if you can't get your hair to lay blank in L.A., it's probably because of those blank winds. Flatwood Mac. Flatwood Mac. It's probably because of those blank winds. What are the winds called in L.A., you guys? Erin, you would know. Santa Anna. Santa Anna. Santa Anna. Santa Tana, Rob Thomas. Santana. Carlos, I can't get my hair to- But you can't get your hair to lay, Carlos. Smooth! Smooth! You need the Santana, Santana! Oh, man, that one's really good. Thank you, thank you. Those wins are now legally need to be referred to as Santa Anta featuring Rob. Rob. What the fuck is his name?

Trim.

Give me a trim, make it flatter, or else forget about it.

Now I don't know, because it's Rob something, and now I don't... It's Rob Thomas. Rob Santana.

It's the owner of Wendy's.

That was so good.

That one was amazing. That was fantastic. What magazines do I subscribe to? Blank, Blankface, Newsweek, Rolling Stone, and all the rest. This one's hard. I can't even figure it out. NewsFace. Blank. Erin, is NewsFace a magazine?

Well, no, we don't need to guess Face, but Face, is there a magazine that ends in Face?

Let me rephrase this with some intonation, because I re-read it. I wrote this a while ago, and now I realize what I was doing. Starting over. If you can't, sorry, what magazines do I subscribe to? Blank. BlankFace, Newsweek, Rolling Stone, and all the rest. Blank Face? In Your? It's gotta be In Your. In Your. Say it faster. In Your. In Your. In Your.

In Your.

In Your Face. In Your Face. Is it Sail Away? No.

I can't think of any In Your song. In Your Face.

Well, one of the... Who came as a pure moose? No, did she do Journey to Something? That's not In Your. It's got a magazine title in it.

Anywhere is, I wonder with the ocean, and then it goes with the ocean.

National Geographic, that song by Enya, National Geographic.

17, Cosmo.

What magazine should I subscribe to? Only Time. We'll tell. That's her song, Only Time.

The song is called Only Time, and the band is Enya.

Enya Face, Newsweek, Rolling Stone, and all the rest.

That one's great as well.

All right. I know you're doubtful about why we went on this treacherous blank, but blank that we'll get to our destination. Journey, don't stop believing. Oh, you got that. Wow. Adal's so good. It seems like you're being sarcastic. Erin, he's being sarcastic.

No, he's not. Is this helping?

It's helping me.

Kind of.

On October 3rd, 2003, Roy Horne looked into the blank and misread it. But for 17 years after, he was a blank. Crystal ball. This is dark. Okay, this is dark. You know who Roy Horne is? Roy Horne. In October 3rd, on October 3rd, 2003, Roy Horne looked into the blank and misread it. But for 17 years after that, he was a blank. Sandy, is this like a Dark Tower character?

Is Roy Horne the guy that sat in the corner and ate a bunch of pie?

Yeah, he put his thumb in it. Roy Horne put his thumb in porn. Roy had a very famous partner whose name is much more distinguishable. Cher. Roy and... Roy Horne. Why is his name Cher? Sigmund... Sigfried. Sigfried. And what happened on October 3rd, 2003? A day that shall live in infamy. Maul. He got mauled. Correct. So he looked into the what? Pearl Harbor.

Eye of the Tiger.

Yes, he did. But for 17 years, he was a... Asia. Magician. No one remembers who was saying Eye of the Tiger? Rocky Balboa. Do you? Hold on, Survivor. Survivor. That's right.

Survivor.

He survived for 17 years. Do you know that he survived after that attack? He died in April 2020.

Yeah, I remember he got mauled, but he did not die. He did not die.

He was a survivor.

Yeah, look, I gotta be honest with you. People shouldn't own tigers.

Even if you're a magician. They should not sleep with tigers, which is what they did. I mean, they, they, they, yeah. Oh. TPC, you're riding a great white shark right now.

Okay, first of all, it's writing me. It's not a tiger shark.

You said no tigers. It's a great white.

It's totally fine.

Green Bay can often be found out in the blanking their green and blank uniforms. Packers, packing. I should just say the Packers. The Packers can often be found out in the blank in their green and blank uniforms. Lambeau Field. Lambeau. Sammy. Green and what? What's the other color? Gold. Yellow.

Yellow.

Coldplay. Oh, Yellow Coldplay. They were out in the cold playing their green and their green and yellow uniforms. I put diamonds on it. Hold on, Sandy, hold on.

We have more cool play songs to sing.

Can I just say, when football players get hit nowadays, they get a rush of blood to the head.

You can say that.

Yeah, no, that's probably true, right? Yeah. I put diamonds on my shoes, like Paul Simon said, but then the cobbler asked me, what's with all these blanks embedded in your shoe? Blank? Me? Ruby, diamonds, is it another... Neil Diamond. I'll re-read it.

Nine Inch Nails.

I put diamonds on my shoes, just like Paul Simon said. But then the cobbler, you know, the guy who fixes my shoes, he asked me, what's with all these blanks embedded in your shoe bottom? Blank? Me? Gems. Gem and holograms, fuck me. You're close. Gems and holograms. Jewels. Jewels, foolish games. Jewel. What did he say? Thank you Let's just take a moment. This is the best riddle that's ever happened.

Oh, that one was really good.

Yeah, that one was good.

That one was good. I should have waited, but wait till you hear my last one for this segment. It's going to be even better than that one. I am calling that shot right now. He's looking around the room, panicking. All right, here we go. This is not it. There's a few more. If you want to achieve blank, ignore all worldly possessions and desires and blank. Nirvana, nevermind. Nirvana, is they have a song? In utero.

Those are album names, I think. Oh. If you want to, wait, can you say that, where are my blanks?

If you want to achieve nirvana. If you want to achieve nirvana. Weezer. Ignore all worldly possessions and desires and blank. Let go, and what's another Nirvana song that's not Smells Like Teen Spirit? Hey Wayne, The Black Hole Heart. It's about being yourself. Well, the song's not, but this concept is about being yourself and nothing else. Just arrive With no other preconceived notions. Bare naked ladies. Be here now. Oasis. Oasis, be here now. Come as you are. Come as you are. How did I miss that?

Come as you are, or call me by your name.

Hey, I just met you. This is crazy. So calm as you are. I got three more. We think we can do it? Yeah. Yeah.

I'll go so quick.

If you're the blank, you may be tempted to say blank to anyone who matches you on Hinge. I'll repeat it. If you're the blank, you may be tempted to say blank to anyone who matches you on Hinge.

If you're the prince, you may be tempted to say, I don't know, fuck you Lisa or something. He's got a bunch of songs like that, right?

Yeah, yeah, yes.

I will say the first blank is five words. If you're the song title, you may be tempted to say band name. I'll get over you, cause I'm the king of wishful thinking.

King of wishful thinking. That's four words.

Who sings that? I don't know, it's a great fucking song. Truly fucking awesome song. Is it Toad the Wet Sprocket? Probably. Toad the Dead Pirate. It's Go West. Man, I would not have made a Go West reference. That's a hard one. But now you gotta make it work. No, it's not King of Wishful Thinking. Cock of the Walk. If you're the... Boy oh boy.

It's a five word song. Let's get the band first. How many words in the band?

It's one word, and it's a very, very, very short band name with a very, very generic name. Yes. You gotta match Box 20 on Hinge. You would say what, if you were very desperate, you would say what to any person? Yes. Please. Yes. Yes. It's a yes song? Oh, a yes song? Oh, no. You think the three of us know a 70s prog rock song? Oh, it's not. You're gonna love the rest of this list. Oh, no. All right, fine. So you guys did not grow up on classic rock radio in the 90s like I did? King Crimson. Okay, fine. The answer is you are the owner of a lonely heart. Oh, that's yes.

Oh, wow. I know that song. I mean, I know the song, but I never would have guessed that.

Yeah. Yeah. My brother once did a like a Who's On First sequel sketch. He wrote a sketch that was sort of like a sequel to Who's On First. It was like a concert festival lineup of band names that are also just generic words like yes and the who and when. Oh, yeah. And them. It was really great. I said when like that's a band name. I'm asking you! The Bush. Yeah. All right, two more. If blank Bluth takes over the family business, he'll have done it with the influence of a successful and thoughtful blank. Joe Buster. George.

George Michael.

George Michael. George Michael.

George Michael. Faith. He'll have done it with the influence of a successful and thoughtful… Wham. Wake me up.

Let's talk about sex.

Successful?

What are some George Michael songs? Another George Michael song? What the fuck? Freedom? Freedom.

It's on the Freedom album.

1998.

Freedom 99.

1990.

He'll have done it with... We are really pulling out here at the end. I will be your... Father figure.

I will be your father figure. That song's horrible. Oh, I'm sorry.

That really brought us down.

That's a terrible song. I had a hard time... We're trying to fit in Let's Talk About Sex with that one, because there wasn't a lot of that on the show, but I should have tried harder. Okay, last one. Speaking of, I get such a hard-on for Greek mythology, and every time I read those blank, I blank my pants. Every time I read those... Iliads. That's another long title that is a four-word title. Come on, feel the noise. I get such a hard-on for Greek mythology, and every time I read those... song title, I... band-name my pants. Those books? Aplenty. Cream. Those tablets?

Cream. Cream is the band. Oh no, so it is 70s.

It's another 70s... Guys, it's another 70s prog-rock...

on the show.

I thought about playing the answers to these, especially this one, but I wasn't sure you guys had the rights for all that, so I gave it up.

No, we have the rights for most of Clapton's stuff, but everything he did with Kareem, we just don't have.

We're working on it, though.

He's an absolute dick when it comes to getting the rights to that stuff.

I think he's the only person who's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame four times. Really? He's also in the Football Hall of Fame. The Yardbirds, Blues Breakers, Eric Clapton solo, and then Kareem, I think. Blues Breakers? Maybe. He had another band. Elwood. Jake. It is Tales of Brave Ulysses. Never heard of this song. Wow. All right. Everyone on the other end of this is screaming at their radios, Tale of Brave Ulysses. We're sorry. They said the Iliad. The Iliad, Tales of the Brave Iliad. All right. Well, do yourself a favor and cue that up in Spotify when you're done.

I took a history of rock class in college and I never heard of that fucking song.

Well, famous Greek author James Joyce, of course, wrote Ulysses. Sandy, what have you written lately? This set of puzzles.

Okay, fair enough. Well, what else have you read and where can people find you?

Well, I'm sorry to bring us down on such a forgettable piece of music, but I truly think you guys should look it up. Alright, Signals.Fun. That is my newsletter and community where you can join and throw me a few bucks every month, get a few extra perks like joining my Discord. That's at signals.fun. Also, mysteryleague.com is my business. That's where you go to find me for corporate team building or any other kind of puzzle stuff that you want made. That's my job. That's what I do every day. And I would love to do more of it. And for more stuff, you can go to Instagram, where I post promptmentos. Those are at Mystery League on Instagram. Those are little games I play where I put together two phrases and make an image out of them using Midjourney, and then have you guess what it is. So for example, recently I did one with Chris Rock and Rocky Horror Picture Show. Poutine win Tim Curry.

That absolutely works. And just for another little plug to hiring Sandy for doing your team building, we are an example of a team that has never hired Sandy. So if your team, you want to operate like this, maybe give Sandy a call.

Yeah, right. When I do team building stuff, it is way more thoughtful than the shit I put on the show. Well, Sandy, you're the absolute best. Thank you so much for everything, but we do have to let you go, so we're just gonna melt you back down into sand. I believe we're going to cream him back down into sand. Gross. Thank you for coming.

Please come back.

We're sorry. Come back. We're sorry.

We're sorry.

You're forgiven. Goodbye.

Well, now that Sandy's gone, let's do plugs, and we'll start with me, and I'm going to plug the Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. Patreon.com slash Hey Riddle Riddle. You can get a one-week free trial, hang out for a little bit, just pay for one month maybe, hang out, listen to all the episodes, binge them. All my favorites are over there, so I'd recommend checking that out. Adal, anything to plug?

Yeah, I want to plug some recent appearances, either end of 2023 or beginning of 2024. I was on a podcast called That's What I'm Talkin' About, delving into the rings formation, how apropos from this episode, delving into the formation of the rings. I was learning all about that. Very good time. I also was a guest on the video game podcast Sights Unseen, talking about some of my favorite video games. And I did a recent episode of the podcast Tell Me About It, which I host with Josh Gondelman talking about slam dunks. So if you want to learn more about slam dunks through the lens of Josh Gondelman, please check out. Tell me about it. JPC, do you have anything to plug or a review to read?

I got nothing to plug, but I do have a review to read. And if you want to get a review featured on the show, just go leave us a five-star review wherever you leave reviews. I might pick yours. Hey, this week I picked The Buffy Bot. The Buffy Bot writes, this podcast is the bar to pass. I recommend this podcast to everyone, including people I've tried to date. Most either never listened or must have hated it, but my partner now listened to the whole back catalog, and that's how I know we're a good fit. Thanks for the litmus test. Bye forever. Wow. I cannot recommend that, a negative recommendation of that enough. I think if you, I think this is a podcast that's fine to share with friends, family, people in your life, but if you've got a significant other who's never heard of this podcast, you hide this. Oh, hide it. Hide it. This is shame. This is a shameful listen.

In between the mattress and the box spring, maybe in a shoebox in your closet, out in the woods somewhere, dig a hole out in the woods.

You're gonna say you're listening to This American Life.

Repeat after me. Then you're gonna say, Honey, what are you listening to? And you're going to say, Sports Scores. That's it. Sports Scores. And fresh air with Terry Gross.

Fresh air with Terry Gross.

How are you parents in the music?

Hey there, duos and drafts. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. Adal and JPC go head to head in some drafts. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a headgum podcast.