Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Oh, J-J-PC, Erin forgot our names.

Rap remix! Do you use it?

I can't.

No, I can't. Wow. Ringing in the new year with an Erin rap. What could be better? What could be better?

Do you guys want to know something crazy that happened a couple hours ago?

Yes.

Okay. First of all, welcome to part two of our best of episode. Welcome. Thank you so much for being here. You're probably in that, oh, you're in that weird liminal space between Christmas and New Year's Day where it feels so long and so weird and you don't know what to do.

Yeah, I call it the sad corridor because it connects one holiday to the other and in the meantime you're just kind of like, I don't know what to do with myself, I have all these books that I got for Christmas.

Yeah, you can't masturbate because you're at your parents' house.

Yeah, you get it. We're all saying the same thing. Wait, hold on.

JBZ, when you go home for Christmas, do you have like a Charlie Bucket situation?

Hey, I'm just saying, you know, they're house, they're rules, okay?

Yeah, can you imagine Charlie Bucket trying to masturbate?

Yeah, you got to masturbate in the garage like a raccoon. A cold garage at Christmas. Like a raccoon? What was I talking about?

You were saying something crazy happened two hours ago.

So Sean works in software sales, and he was doing a demo with someone who lived in Mississippi, works remotely. And basically at the end of the demo, the guy was like, I feel so weird not saying this. I know who you are. I'm a Hey Riddle Riddle patron.

Wow.

And he, two worlds smashed together for him. He was like, oh no. And he's like, yeah, I've listened to sitcom D&D. And he was like, oh no. And he's like, yeah, I fall asleep listening to Hey Riddle Riddle. I know who Lou is. And Sean came into the room while I was working and was like, you will not believe what just happened. So if that guy's out there, I want to thank you for making me seem way cooler than I am.

Well, Erin, hold on. That's very fun. I have to ask, did Sean seal the deal?

I don't know. I didn't ask.

If he's a listener of the show, I can say, probably not.

Yeah.

Probably, probably missed that opportunity.

But isn't that so crazy? What a small world. What a small, small world.

Especially in Mississippi. I often check our numbers, but I don't think Mississippi is one of our most, our more popular listening areas.

Right, I was dying to know how he found it.

It looks like we have 2.5 listeners in Biloxi? Biloxi? Biloxi.

2.5?

Biloxi?

That means two people and a dog listen to their show.

One of Mariah's coworkers, and she works remotely as well, when they had like a big all-hands and they all went into the office, came up to her and was like, hey, I know who you are.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Which I think is also very funny.

That's happened to me a couple times. A friend brought another friend over, like their friend from growing up. And at the end of the evening... It's always the end. I'm so sorry. I listen to every episode. I was like, I wish I had known. I'm so sorry.

Well, interesting. Isn't it interesting that this is the time of year that we're spending with family and friends and loved ones, and we're sharing these stories of our loved ones, the listeners, not the fans. I won't make that mistake again. The listeners.

They get really mad when we call them fans.

Unreasonably mad. I'm like, come on, you're listening. It's not that much of a jump to say that you're a fan, but it is. It is, and I've been warned, so I will stop saying that.

And if you've enjoyed The gift that we've given you all season long, both here and on the Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddleworld. That's not a gift. That's not a gift.

They pay for that. They pay for that.

Oh, that's fair. That's fair.

The free one is a gift. This one's a fucking gift.

If you've enjoyed all that content, here's the gift you can give to us that keeps on giving. Just like Erin and JPC said, if you see us, come up to us, talk to us for a while, and then at the very end, whisper to us, I know who you are. And walk away into the night, hopefully backwards.

Preferably backwards. The best Hey Riddle Riddle fan interaction I ever had is a guy on a bike- Listener? I'm sorry?

We don't have to answer that, let's not.

A listener on a bike was driving down the street, saw me, said, JPC! And then biked by and I was like, huh, that's interesting. I was with Mariah and I think we were walking spaghetti at the time. And then like three hours later, I got an Instagram message that was like, hey, sorry. Oh, that's so sweet. Sorry I yelled at you on a bike, I just saw you and I'm a fan of the show. They did say fandom in that instance. Their words, not mine. Their words. They can say it. If they hadn't said anything, I'd say it lives in art.

They can say it, we can't.

Before we get into this episode, Adal, JPC, any guesses for what might be in Part 2 of Best of 2023 Hey Riddle Riddle main feed?

I'd put money on Auntie Santy showing up.

That happened last week.

I know, so you had time to put it into this one, right?

Actually, yeah. Okay, that's funny. I will do that. That's going to be in there somewhere. That's actually a good bit. Thank you, Adal.

That will be happening. Just an interstitial Adal saying Auntie Santy and then another... So look for that in this episode.

Okay.

Erin, genuinely, I'm going to go and look. Episodes that came out in 2023, and I would say that there's at least going to be one mention of Maria Menounos, because that was one of our episodes.

Maria Menounos, for sure. I don't think so. Oh, Erin, did Katya Opepe make the cut?

I don't think so, but maybe.

What about anything from the newlywed game, Erin? That was fun. People like the newlywed game.

You're just reading episode titles.

Okay, well, I don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to do.

Well, thank you guys for a great year. Can't wait to see you in 2024. And thank you- 2023.

We record these a year in advance.

Oh, right. So it's 2022 right now. See you guys in 2023. And thank you to the listeners for being loyal and sticking by us. We appreciate you so much. Adal?

We love you. We love you.

Yeah. Oh yeah, Erin, look, up there on the, not the rooftop, what's the opposite of rooftop? Sorry, down there in the basement, look, it's Auntie Santee.

Erin, you're in. Hi, I'm Auntie Santee. We'll do that in 2024. Oh, come on. I don't have to do that. No, I don't have to do it until 2024.

Turnips for shoes.

Okay, write that down.

I do want to see a scene. Okay. Erin, you are, there's sort of a lawn part, like a housewarming party in a lawn, in JPC's lawn, and as he's sort of mingling and making the rounds, he does notice you, like, in his bushes with a knife, and he's coming over to chat with you.

Hey, sorry, sorry, didn't mean to, don't mean to alarm you. I'm Jeff.

Hi.

Hey, this is my yeah, this is my house.

Hi. Yeah, love, love, love. Beautiful paint color. Is that Benjamin Moore?

It is. Yeah, it's Benjamin Moore. Hey, you know, we have so many burgers that like, you know, we just have an overabundance. We have some beer. I couldn't help but notice for the last couple of hours you've been kind of in these bushes over here. I just wanted to know if maybe you'd like to come into the party and join people, meet people?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's fine. That's fine. I came over here to ask if I could borrow a knife.

Well, you have a knife, and it looks like you're gripping that thing pretty hard. Your whole hand's white.

That's where my knife went!

Yeah, really big grip on that knife.

You know when you're looking for your glasses and then they're on your head the whole time that you're wearing them and you're looking for your glasses? That's one of these classic situations.

Hey, you know what? Why don't we do this? Why don't you put the knife down? We'll just leave it right here on the ground where you have it now. Come in and out of the bushes. Come into the Joy the Party. Do you have plans today?

I had, I had a plan.

Yeah, did you?

Yeah, I had a plan.

Yeah. Did you kind of maybe lose, lose your nerve to do your plan?

Yeah.

Yeah. Because you've been watching me for the past couple of hours. Kind of watching how the way I interact with my guests, how I'm not really a... I don't want to... I'm going to use a phrase that I promise you I never use, and it's not a phrase that I think that you have used before. It's just a phrase that's coming to mind. I'm not a big phony, as someone may have painted on my garage a couple weeks ago. That's not who I am. And it doesn't matter.

Someone said that?

I don't know and it doesn't matter. Why don't you come meet some people? Have fun.

Think I could have a burger and then do my plan? I think you can.

But here's what I'm going to say, Chris, and I'm taking a wild guess that your name is Chris. Is your name Chris?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to say you have one of these burgers, Chris. I don't think you're going to want to do your plan. That's all I'm thinking.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I love you.

Yeah.

I know.

And hey, isn't it hard to get a new neighbor? Yeah. Isn't it hard to get a new neighbor? The most understanding guy.

Just so patient. I love the idea of John Wilkes Booth sitting in a room in the Ford Theater and someone's like, hey buddy, do you have a plan? And he's like, yeah. You lose your nerve? Yeah. You want to watch the play and maybe you'll change your mind? Yeah, maybe I'll watch the play.

Yeah, I'll watch the play and maybe I'll change my mind.

You tired?

Yeah, I'll watch the play and maybe I'll change my mind.

But we're not going to shoot the president, are we?

No. We joke, but that's how men literally are. Men who do that are children.

Men will literally shoot the president instead of going to therapy. Yep.

Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself?

Why is it vulgar to play with yourself?

No, no. Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself?

Okay, what is old timey ways of saying jerking off?

I would actually, I would like to play a game. And you each have to like ping pong back and forth, come up with old timey ways to say jerking off. And at the end, I will declare a winner. Great.

Okay, playing ping pong back and forth.

Deboning my ham.

Shaking the skeleton's hand.

Voting in a presidential poll.

Can't quite open the champagne.

Taking the seed wagon to Prairie Town.

Okay, let's see here. Shucking the corn.

Howling by Desert Wolf.

Playing the Broken Oboe.

Burying one of my 12 children.

Pass. Quit. Pass. Quit. Pass.

JBC, you were so close, but I have to give it to Adal, especially for Can't Quite Open the Champagne. That is haunting, is what that is. That is haunting. How can you know when it's raining cats and dogs?

From the poodles. From stepping in the poodles?

Yeah! Adal! Feel something! You got one right!

Adal!

From stepping in the poodles! Here's your chance! You can feel something! You got something right!

I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are in studio, in booth, doing a voiceover or an ad read for Subaru cars. Okay. So you're the voiceover we hear for this 30-second Super Bowl ad commercial. Erin, you are the voice director, so you're kind of managing things, and we're going to take a peek at that.

I think it's pretty straightforward, but if you have anything that you'd like me to try, I mean, please, I'm putty in your hands.

No, we are all set up on our end. I would say just, you're professional, we loved your audition, just straight down the middle, pretty standard, and I think we should be good. And action!

An eagle's body has 431 bones. Every single one of those bones is hard. Sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry. Love the voice, love the enthusiasm. Got it. Can we read the copy this time? Maybe we'll get an improv take later, but for now I'd say read what is written.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. That's not a problem for me.

Great.

Sorry. An eagle's body has 431 bones. Each one of those bones equally hard to take out of an eagle's body while keeping the eagle alive. But there's one bone that you can rip out of an eagle without anybody ever knowing.

Sorry, did we send the wrong copy over to you? I don't know. Ours starts with, this Mother's Day, get mom what she really wants.

Is it a Mother's Day copy? Maybe I have like, maybe it's just I have like the general copy. Would you mind? I see that you have it there. Would you mind?

I have it, I have it. I'll bring it in.

My God, I am so sorry. You can obviously see I'm not making it up. Here's what I have.

Yeah, it's written in crayon. The crayon that you're holding. Doesn't matter.

I guess it was given to me this way.

Sorry, Steven Subaru here. I'm in the booth, just kind of listening, just kind of stopping by today. How about we combine the two?

Um, I'm not really comfortable. Action! This Mother's Day, grab an eagle out of the sky. There's only 431 bones in one of those things, and each one of them is equally hard to take out without anybody noticing. But this Mother's Day, grab an eagle. Reach down into its gullet and pull out the one bone that causes it all to fall apart. And as you're taking that bone out of the eagle, don't let it cry, because it'll alert the other eagles. The Subaru Tribeca, $431 a month, no down payment required. Offer ends Mother's Day.

See, I think we got it.

How was that? Was that good? Yeah. $431 a month. There's no option to buy it outright. You do have to- I did not bring my reading glasses.

I didn't bring my reading glasses. So I don't know if that's the exact script.

Ho, ho, ho, and welcome to part one of our 2023 best of episode. Anti-Santee? Is that Anti-Santee? Anti-Santee! So everybody, this is our first of our best of. Adal, GPC, what were some of your favorite moments of the year?

Great question, Erin. Let's listen to a couple of them now. Is that what we were supposed to do?

Think of something you liked.

Honestly, number one with a dead turtle, or living turtle dove, would be the introduction of one of my favorite characters, Auntie Santee.

That happened just now. Huh?

I know it all feels very recent.

Adal, you are Miss Isipi. JPC, you are Miss Uri. And you two are gossiping about all the other states.

Did you hear? Did you hear? No, what? I don't know. I don't know if I should be saying this. Come on, say it. Who's going to tell? Okay, I'm just, okay, I'm a little nervous, but, um, uh, do you know, uh, do you know Caliph? Caliph. Caliph. He's been fornicating. That new fella. Tall. Yeah, fornicating. No! With Neva, Adda. You know Adda, who's like, I'm never gonna have sex. Yeah. Well, Neva, Adda, had, had Caliph fornication.

You know what? That is wild, because I heard that Caliph was going out with Aurig, and Aurig gotta get it.

If Callan's gonna give it to Nevada... Utah! Utah-tah for now. Hey, and this is coming from a miss who sips her own pee. And I'm talking shit. See, you know, that's wild. That's wild. Did you hear that, um, you know that girl on Maine?

Wait, stop. Stop right there. Stop right there. I wanna hear it. I wanna hear it. But we cannot be doing this gossip without something to drink. Let's air. Have a mini soda.

I prefer to sip my own pee. Minnesota's fine, I'll have a Minnesota.

Is Minnesota fine? I know, because I just don't have your pee.

I could give you your pee. I mean, my pee.

If we wanted the you pee, we would have to go see my good friend Mish.

Again?

Again.

Oh, I hate that. Well, Maine, I heard that Maine, they have a road island. Oh no. Yeah, road island all night. I'm Riddle

You know what? I'm going to put a little vermouth into my mini soda because I'm feeling sassy.

Me too. I'm feeling so sassy. You know, Anna, I heard she's loose. Lucy Anna. Lucy Anna. Lucy Anna. Oh yeah. Just whatever may come. Just a Mardi Gras in her pants.

And didn't she just get, didn't she just start dating York? No. She broke up with York. Who's she with now? What, it's like a new York.

New Mexico.

I don't know. I don't know. Oh my God, it's New Mexico.

Well, nude Mexico. Nude Mexico. Because he does not wear clothes. Isn't that crazy?

And between you and me, I also heard that nude Mexico isn't really washing a ton.

Oh, duh, Koda. Duh. And North, duh, Koda. What else?

Ah, Indiana's one as well.

Scene, scene, scene, scene. Well, we're talking about loose Anna in Idaho. What else? Scene, scene, scene, scene.

I cannot believe how long you were able to go. Oh, that's very good. I hate it. Hold on.

I like to call these odd man out. So I'm going to read four items. Well, yeah, you got it. Sorry.

Okay, next one.

Odd man out and about on the town. Here comes the odd man. Don't spin this. Pants on the head. Odd man's day out. Just gyrating my hips.

I'd actually like to see a scene. JPC, I want you to do the opening credits and the first couple lines of the odd man sitcom.

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Look who it is with his hands on his shoes and his shoes on his hands. He's walking down the street in a handstand. It's the odd man and he's going out. The odd man's going out. He stops by the store and he orders a roast beef sandwich at the cashier. The cashier looks at him and says, huh? And then he doesn't even pay or stay. He just leaves. He's on and out.

And that's the end of the credits and we go to the first line. Okay. Open my mail. Answer. Oh no.

Jesus. Same. A few things we have to unpack. A few things we have to unpack. Okay. I insist on unpacking.

First of all, there's a writer's strike going on right now, so I am technically not even allowed to do what I did to you.

Tell me you're in this with me. Oh God. Okay. My body is a temple. I keep my temple clean.

My asshole is a tunnel of love and you could eat off the floor.

Vacuum the crumbs off my body. I will vacuum the crumbs off my body.

I got one. Okay, here's mine. My body is a temple and Sunday service will be Taco Bell and porn.

What a mess. What a mess. Oh, that is a mess. May I see a scene? Yes. Adal, you woke up and you're reading the morning paper and you see your name and life description in the obituaries, so you're calling the paper that JPC works at and trying to figure out what's going on.

Okay, just have my morning coffee here. What's this? Obituaries? Dylan McNamara, born 1990 fun, died 2000 and fun, bonked on the head by an oopsie, shit his pants and screamed to death? He is survived by who cares? This doesn't feel good. Let me just go with the numbers on the bottom of the paper. That's convenient.

Okay.

Chicago Fun Times Obituary Department. How can I help you?

Hi, my name is Dylan... Dylan!

Oh. We've been expecting your call.

This, sorry, this is in Chicago and you know me just by my first name?

You died today, correct?

No.

Oh, well Dylan, sweetie, why is your obituary in the front page of the Chicago Fun Times?

Yeah, I was also surprised that it's front page news.

Um... Now Dylan, are you a Chicago Fun Times subscriber?

Yes, I am. I'm actually- I sat down at breakfast to read it just now.

Oh, okay! So you're one of our- well, I mean, you were a subscriber. We- should we go ahead and cancel your subscription since you are deceased?

No! No, it's very expensive and to restart it is even worse.

Listen, I just- Mm-hmm, laborious process.

Yes. I think you're gonna cause a lot of confusion with my friends, family, and co-workers.

Can you just, um... Oh, is that Dylan on the phone? Yep, it's Dylan. Tell him I said rest in peace.

Hey Dylan, Angela from accounting says rest in peace.

That's so sweet, tell it. What? No. I am not dead. Can you print a retraction or... I can't tell that to Angela.

That'll break her heart. She's been crying about you all morning.

She sounded chipper from a distance.

Well, she's got a full life outside of you, Dylan. You don't even know her. You just met her, basically.

Apologies. Yes, I'm being selfish.

She's listening to a funny podcast.

Oh, which one?

I'm Hey Dylan, I'm only gonna tell you one time, we don't use words like that at the Chicago Fun Times, okay? So watch your language or I won't hang up on you.

I'm speaking to you on the phone, I'm not speaking to you in print. Surely you can't print a curse word like that unless you're quoting someone.

I won't! Plus, it's the Chicago Fun Times, so I wouldn't say that I would say like, bonked or boinked or I would say my insurance has me totally knuckled.

Sure. Could you at least just remove the part, because you did say I shit my pants to death, which feels like it's up there.

Dylan, that's your second warning.

You printed it.

Dylan, take another look. Did I say, what word did I actually spell on that article?

Okay, now that I'm rereading it, it says that he slipped his punts to death.

Dylan, look, I don't, I'm a journalist, okay? How dare you accuse me of just making things up. If you slip your punts, I'm putting it in my paper.

But what is slipping your pants? I mean, my brain filled in what it wanted to see, which is shit his pants.

Okay, that's your third strike. That's your third strike. Goodbye, Dylan.

Goodbye.

Angela, the day I have had.

What happened? Tell me everything.

Well, I was listening to this episode of The Read, and it's pretty funny.

If somebody wants to name their child Willie Winkie, I think that's absolutely... Atrocious.

Atrocious. I'm sorry, Erin, what do you do if Winkie is a family name, okay? You have to name your kid something. Alright, Erin, smart guy, you have a boy, your last name is Winkie, what's the boy's name?

Winky?

Winky, winky. Actually, hold on. Erin just fucking trumped you. Erin just fucking ran laps around your little conundrum.

Yeah. You guys, I have to be me all day. I have to be me all day, every day, for years and years. It's not fun.

It's so early, too. We could be you all day for the rest of today.

I would like to see a scene.

Well, yeah.

You two are two guys, two bros.

There's a drummer.

You have a TikTok channel that is financial advice, but you two literally have no idea what you're talking about and are giving terrible advice.

Listen up, everyone. If you want to be financially stable by the time you hit 45, you need to follow these three easy steps. Anyone can do it. Just keep watching this TikTok and you will learn how in these few steps that we've concocted to help you out. And it's not that hard. Anyone can do it.

Anyone can do it. Step one, you have to be triplicating your money every four months. To triplicate. Thank you. What does that mean in practice? Or as they say, praxis. To triplicate your money, all you need to do is make sure that your money is growing at an exponential rate through the seeking of additional funds in correlation with the funds you already have access to.

Step two, make your money work for you. Go to the bank, pull out $100 piles of money, fill out a resume for them. Take your pile of money and the resume into a store. Get them a job. As long as it's over $18, they can legally work.

$18 can legally work, that's something we say on the channel all the time. Now remember, if your money wants a job, your money's gotta have a name. So you gotta give your money a name. I know it's gonna be hard, but don't give your money a funny name. Because funny money don't work.

And we have three names to give your money. Anyone can name your money these three names. It's three easy steps to come up with a name. Here's three names anyone can name it.

Name number one. Chet Hamburglar.

Hey John. What's up man? Are you hungry for hamburgers?

Yeah man I could eat. Are you placing an order? I can. Uh, what do you want? Mexican?

Thai? Those are the only two options. Oh, Mexican Thai? A noodle burrito? Wait, hold on. How has no one done that? Hold on. I'm Googling Pad Thai Burrito. A Pad Thai in a burrito? What the? How has no one ever done a Pad Thai Burrito?

Okay, welcome back to the show. This is Money Millionaires, and we've got a brand new way for you to make money. Make money.

Combine two different types of food into one food.

Yeah, like everybody loves cookies and everyone likes soap. So why not cookie soap? Hold on. John, are you eating your soap?

We die when you scroll.

I don't remember the details of this, but you remember that time where that person did a radio play about aliens coming to Earth and then people changed- Oh, War of the Worlds.

War of the Worlds. War of the Worlds. It was Orson Welles, right? Yes. Orson Welles? Yes, Orson Welles.

I feel like our economy is going to collapse even faster because people are going to come across that scene and think it's real financial advice and it's going to absolutely topple everything. Adal and I have some bad news. JPC got sucked into his toilet and we cannot get him out.

We can hear him, we can't see him. We've called plumbers, we've called exorcists, priests.

Right. But to self-soothe today, to try to stay positive, I want to talk about my favorite app on my phone, Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place.

Did you know, Erin, that over 80% of people have subscriptions they've forgotten about? It's too easy to subscribe to a free trial of something and then completely forget about it once you stop using it. Just like, you know, it's as easy as forgetting a friend in the toilet, am I right? Right as the monthly charges start rolling in, you know, all of a sudden you're like, oh no, I'm ruined. That's why I'm such a big fan of Rocket Money, Erin.

I've been using it way longer than they've been a sponsor. It helps so much with my taxes. Everything's color coordinated. It helps you figure out where your spending is going. It is the best. With over 5 million users and counting, Rocket Money has helped save its customers an average of $720 a year and a billion in total savings so far. That's about how much it's going to cost to get JPC out of the toilet.

Oh, I heard him. I think I heard him say thirsty. I'm going to flush the toilet real quick. There you go, buddy. Go nuts. Okay. Yes, Erin, I struggle with saving money every month and with Rocket Money, you can quickly identify all those sneaky little subscriptions that keep charging you month after month and cancel any you no longer use. It's such an easy way to start saving money, Erin. I want to start saving money.

And they can negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. It's like having a financial secretary and it's awesome. So stop wasting your money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and manage your money the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E, rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Right, GPC?

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Wow. Why? Because she's so cold? What are we saying? Uh, well, uh, no. We don't know why she went. We don't know why she went. We know she's there. But she did leave us gifts, Adal. And, you know, that's what this time of year is really about. About gift giving. The holiday season. And we have a little tradition on Hey Riddle Riddle. We will, you know, we'll give each other little gifts just to show how we care, how we care about each other.

Yeah, really sweet. Let me, okay, just let me open mine. Mine's sort of like a card here. Oh, interesting. Ooh, looks like it's a one-way ticket to Timbuktu. I don't even know. Is that a real place?

Yeah, I think she Nermal'd you, is what she did.

That's a Garfield-esque, yeah, I got Nermal'd. Yeah, you got Nermal'd. Next to Nermal, yeah. What did you get? What did you get?

Wow, okay, this is a big box. Okay, let me open it. Okay, it's another 10,000 locusts. I gotta stop opening these boxes from her. They're all the same. She sends these every holiday. Pretty good prank though.

Yeah, a bunch went in your mouth and your eyes turned black, but that's to be expected. But hey, we, just receiving bad gifts, we can go to BetterHelp. I don't know if, have you heard of this? Oh yes, BetterHelp. That's the best gift. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. BetterHelp, whether or not your family gives gifts or your friends during the holidays, you get to define how you give to yourself. That's why you should check out BetterHelp. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

You know, and I love therapy, especially online therapy, because I've got, you know, I've got issues. I've got things going on in my life. I can't go all the way to an office, wait in some waiting room, go through the rigmarole. I literally have locusts burrowing into my mouth and my eyes and my ears. And I need to talk to someone, a professional, about that now. I need to get resolution now. And that's why BetterHelp is so great, because you can talk to a therapist on demand.

Oh, also it looks like we have stockings here stuffed by Erin and she left us, speaking of rigmarole, she left us fruit rigamarole-ups?

Oh God, and they have Rob Riggle as the celebrity spokesman. I'm sorry. This says Rod Riggle. Who's Rod Riggle? You know what? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Hey, another thing that I can talk to my therapist about, and in the season of giving, you got to give yourself what you need with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Riddle. And what are you getting, Erin, for Keifmas? Oh yes, I always forget about Keifmas. Keifmas is the seven days after Christmas which you get increasingly big. It's the 26th through January 3rd I think.

January 3rd! Merry Keifmas everyone! Merry Keifmas! I do want to say the same. Yes. The two of you are Romans back in Roman days, and you are being tasked by the Julius Orange Caesar of the time. You're being tasked with creating the Roman numeral system.

I'm bored. Can we order food?

Yeah, I guess. We'd have to see what time the Just any Roman building. Just one Roman building. We'd have to see what time the... and then you could help me out if you just did a one... let's say Parthenon.

I'm just throwing a ball against the wall.

Hey, that's a tall guy. Sorry, that's a very tall guy. I just calls him like I see him. I calls him like I see him.

Coliseum.

Yeah, what?

What do you know? I'm sorry, sir. Sir, you obviously overheard. You obviously overheard what we were talking about. You think you can order food from the Coliseum? I just said vomitorium.

You can't order food from there. Of course you can order from the Coliseum. What do you think they do with the dead soldiers?

Hey man, you're better with all this stuff.

What if I just like went out and got drunk and you finished this whole like number thing? Where are you gonna go to get drunk? Name one Roman building where you could go to get drunk, you know? Don't say Colosseum.

Can I please go?

Okay.

Can I be excused please?

Yes.

Make the numbers letters or whatever.

I don't know. Wait, what was that?

Oh, I was joking.

What did you say?

I said make the numbers letters or whatever. No, that's actually genius. It's obviously a joke, that would be so stupid.

No, that's actually a great idea. Because why invent a whole bunch of new things when we already have all these letters?

Will that be confusing?

I feel like people are only confusing that- Numericalis, Arithmeticalis, you two have been tasked for two weeks now. Well, two for now, but of course we'll replace that two with something new once this session is done. But you've had two weeks to come up with numeral systems, so let's go ahead and hear them, starting with one and ending in 100.

Before we begin our pitch, and we do want to get to the numerals thing, we think it's super important, Arithmeticalis and I, we also, Cued into a different part of her name, and I think you're going to really like the thing that we came up with. Interesting.

Okay.

Go ahead and put your arms above your head. Me? Yeah, you. Arithmetical list, can you get on the left side? Okay. I'm going to get on the right side.

Okay.

And stab, stab, stab.

Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab. E2? Sorry, I'm reading off your list here. E2? Yeah, we don't know what the E stands for yet. So E equals two?

Take a look at Bugs Time to Die.

That's the sequel to Bugs Life.

Bugs Time to Die with Steven Seagal.

I would like to see a scene. Adal, you're a balloon and you're a little stressed out because JPC, who's a trumpet player, is about to blow you up.

Oh no, man. Come on, anyone but me. Not red, not red.

I'll do a red one. I'll do a red balloon. Do we need more reds? We don't? We only need blues? Okay, I'll grab a blue. We've got enough blues. Someone just took the last blue. So we don't need any balloons? Okay. Well, that's fine. I don't need to blow up a balloon.

Actually, can you do one more red one?

Yeah, one more red one just for fun? And I can pick from any red balloon on this whole table.

Yep.

Okay.

1 in 800 chance. Come on, Mark. You got this.

Well, there's no reason to make this complicated. Jeff, just grab any red balloon and get to blowing. How about this one? Well, maybe not. It's a little flimsy. Let's just throw it randomly back in the pile, and I'll just grab another one. Same one. Okay.

Okay.

That's very good. This is the one. Everybody, I've found the balloon. I'm going to use this one.

This guy looks like he can hold his breath for eight minutes.

All right, just flapping it out, kind of stretching the lip. No harm. This should actually feel really nice if I was a balloon.

Yeah, you're our favorite person in the orchestra. We love you.

Just massaging the edges of the balloon. And now to fill it up with my breath. Wait a second. I'm a little parched. Maybe before I fill up this balloon, I have a Pepsi. Here's a Pepsi.

Okay, I don't know that word. I don't know what parched means on a balloon.

I know ten words. Tangy Pepsi.

Oh, what is that?

And now to Phillip. Where did I put that balloon?

Is that balloon juice? What is that? I'm crawling away, crawling away, crawling away.

I know I left that balloon some... Ah, here you go! Snag on, snag on something. He's trying to sneak away from me. Ah, oh, the balloon got snagged. Don't worry, don't worry. I have my sewing kit. Just ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka tick Wow, my breath is so strong. I'm popping all these practice balloons. I better go at 25% capacity for Mr. Red over here. This is torture. Licking the edge of the balloon, moistening the tip. One more Pepsi. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. And here I go. Oh, my cell phone's ringing. Hello?

Hey, no more balloons, okay? No more balloons? Except for one more red one.

You got it, boss. Click.

And here we go. Everybody freeze. This is a dance.

Can we get some balloons over here? Blow up that balloon.

Hold on. The balloon's talking. What's it saying? It's a dance? Does anyone hear this balloon talking? Is it talking only to me?

What is, what is Jeff saying? What's wrong with Jeff? Jeff, are you okay? Jeff, is Jeff okay?

What were you talking about? It's a dance? What are we dancing to, Balloon?

Okay, Balloon, just don't talk again and he'll look crazy.

I can hear you! I can hear you talking to yourself! You're talking to yourself and you're talking to me and you're talking to Jeff!

Jeff, are you okay?

I'm great! I think I've just had too many Pepsis today! So, one more Pepsi! Just blow up that balloon! He's trying to drink me! That's a balloon! And now to blow up this Pepsi! Here we go. This I think has a little bit of warm up Riddle flair to it. What bird has... Adal just slapped me hard across the chest. I have a big red welt on my chest.

Are you okay, man? Jesus.

Because I'm just too sweet. That hurts way more than you think it does, Adal. I know it gets a big pop from the crowd, but holy fuck.

Hey, JPC, I'm a heel. What do you want me to do? I'm going to throw you in the ropes, okay?

I'm going to need to get healed. Three heels on one podcast.

Oops, all heels.

Oops, all heels.

Which is also going to be my drag costume. Three heels on one. Oops, all heels. Oh my God.

I'd like to see a scene. We are three men under an umbrella.

Oh, Tom, Greg. Greg. Tom. Tom. Greg.

Jeff. Greg.

Oh, Jeff. Thank you so much. We've been saying each other's names.

Well, another lunch under the umbrella. What did you guys tell your wives?

Scene. I'm sorry.

I love it.

Alright, I do want to see a scene. So, we are, uh, there's a big crisis on, on Earth, um, you know, and, uh, we are a group of superheroes known as the Star Rats. People are expecting, like, you know, some Marvel heroes to show up and help out, but we're the Star Rats, and we're here to, uh, help.

Oh, God! Just in time! That building, the building! Anybody got any cheese? Sorry, sorry, can I say my thing? The building is coming down! It's, the building is going, an earthquake! I see it. I'm Captain Eyes. Who is talking? Down here. I'm Captain Eyes. My one thing is I can see what's going on. I have like a 175 peripheral. I'm sorry? I'm Captain Eyes.

Can you put me in your hand?

Bend down and put me in my hand.

Never fear, the Star Rats are here.

According to my rat sensors, that building's coming down.

I'm sorry, what is going on? Sorry, we're the Star Rats. We each have a power, and we each have a little catchphrase. Scoop you up, let me scoop you up, get you all up here, okay?

Wait, my pizza, my pizza, my pizza!

Oh, our tails are tied together.

Oh no.

Okay, okay. Oh fuck, we're gonna die like this.

No, no, it's fine, I can hear, let me just, oh god, they're so slimy. I'll untie these, I'll pick up your pizza. So you're the Star Rats?

Mm-hmm.

Don't say it backwards. Or you might accidentally say... Oh, star rats, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, uh, okay, well, I... And bite your thumb? Ow!

What the fuck? We're the star rats.

According to my censors, his thumb just got bit. Yeah, I saw the whole thing.

Up the building came down.

Yeah, the building came down. Fucking building came down. Yeah, it stinks.

Well, back to the sewers boys. What?

Tell your friends. Tell them what? Tell them the saw rats helped.

According to my censors, it's time to go.

He's being censored. He said a lot of bad things, so he has censors.

It's so woke nowadays. Nobody lets you just say what we're all thinking.

We gotta go. We gotta head out.

That was the Star Rats. Okay, here's your next one. I love the Star Rats. I do have a question. If Chucky takes over the podcast when he inevitably wins the Riddle battle, where do I go? Do I continue on with Chucky? Because I feel like I'm not part of this right here. So it's like, do I go with him? Do I stay with you? Would you guys be mad if I went with Chucky?

Hold on, I'm just Googling something really quick. Improvisers who are agents of chaos, but somehow completely have their life together. Trying to get you replaced.

This can't be a viable Google, right? This can't turn up a list of people.

GBC, she said what she said, but she typed in, what is a Roth IRA?

Have to know. No one will tell me.

Erin, do yourself a favor, girl. Watch Shawshank Redemption. Problem solved.

I will not.

At the contract, there's a clause in the contract you all signed that says I- Uh-oh!

A clause? Uncle Santa? No!

A slam door? No! Oh! Oh, my fucking nose! I don't even care that there's a demon here. That will not come in- No! No!

Aaron, you know Uncle Santa only comes through the front door.

No.

You just broke his nose! Erin, are you ready for your trailer, Damn Near Killed Her?

No!

Okay, will you do it anyway? Yeah! Okay. Erin, your options are Cemetery Sarah or My Teacher's a Goblin.

I'm gonna go with Cemetery Sarah.

Okay. Whenever you're ready. Two minutes.

Sarah's 16th birthday party is right around the corner. And then she's walking through the hallway. She goes, hey guys, and no one pays attention. He goes, hey, are you guys all for, and no one pays attention. Uh, the bad news is she has a party hall booked, but no guests to go to her party. She'll have to try a different hangout spot to find some friends who could come to her party. And she walks upon the cemetery and- Upon?

A plot? Now you get poetic?

There's a thunderstorm and all the, uh, gravestones get struck and they come alive and they go, Hey, what's your name? Are you dead? And she goes, yeah, I'm dead. As long as you're actually dead, welcome to your sweet six team.

One minute left.

I'm not even kidding, I think I might forget the name. Cut to the party! Let's get it started! Are you sure you're dead, Sarah? Totally. Totally dead.

And the beat goes, run it, run it, and run it, run it, and run it, run it, and run it, run it. Wait!

She blew out her candles. That means she has human breath in her body. Sarah, you lied to us. No, but you guys are the best friends I've ever had. You guys are the best. Please, I'll die. No, Sarah, don't try to die to become friends with us. Stay alive. We love you so much. You should live a long life. Margot Martindale is Cemetery Sarah.

Wow.

Cemetery Sarah.

No, no, no.

Okay, where to start?

I just have to say something. I literally was like, oh, I'm gonna, I genuinely went in going like, I'm going to do such a good job. Because the second time I did it last year, it went really well. I thought I was proud of my trailer. And I went in with that confidence. There's something about, I'm crying, there's something about this game though. I start doing it and I get really scared. I got really scared in there. Good, good.

Martindale's a powerhouse. I gotta say, that is a strong pick. Yeah. Honestly, she do.

Absolutely not seeing that movie up until the casting reveal, and then I was like, tickets for opening night.

And if the casting reveal is the end of the trailer, you've got to go back and re-watch the trailer because you're like, I watched that girl for the whole trailer, and that is Margot Martindale.

That was Margot Martindale? I've had that with movies before. Wait, that was Gary Oldman?

Yeah, with Gary Oldman. Yeah, he's a Transformer.

He's a Transformer. Erin, I have other stuff prepared, but if you like, I'll give you another chance to do a trailer.

I gotta get the hell out of here. Well, you know what? Actually, okay. Yeah, and this time it'll be good. No, this time I'll do it. I'm not even kidding. I'm about to blow this up with water. Hit me.

Isn't she confident?

I feel like I'm at 20 and I just said hit me in black and white.

No, Erin, this is 21 and you're saying hit me. Okay. Erin, your options are seance anything or cult from the same cloth.

Seance anything.

Okay, whenever you're ready, Erin. Two minutes.

All my instincts, they return. A grand facade, so soon will burn. This Halloween, without a noise. Without my pride, I reached out from the inside. I'm so happy in our new relationship. Yes, we're in high school and we're falling in love. I'm so glad we found each other. I was such a perfectionist during high school. Enough of you. I'm so sad that I spent all of high school just trying to get straight A's. I could have been dating a cool guy like you. Everything's going so well. I hope a demon doesn't take over my body. Today we're going to be talking about the best of 2023. In your eyes, the light, the heat. He's starting to notice something's a little off about her. I am complete, your eyes. We gotta get that demon out of her body. Does anyone know what exorcist? We see the doorway, your eyes, of a thousand churches. It turns out the dad sent the demon to get the daughter to focus more on The schoolwork that happened to a boyfriend. So she has a contentious relationship with her dad, but they get the demon out at the end. Margo Martindale. And John Cusack. Oh, seance. There has to be a seance. Go back, go back, go back, go back. Go back, go back, go back, go back. Oh, we're just dating. Everything's going well. Let's do a seance for fun for Halloween. To the beginning? Back to the beginning? That's how the demon gets in. All my instincts, they return. I thought the dad put the demon in. That was the first try. That was my first try.

Oh, okay. So is the dad character cut completely?

This Halloween. Alfred Molina, and Marco Martindale.

What happened to Joan Cusack?

And John Cusack.

You got cut from this draft.

And? And Joan Cusack.

And?

Oh, Sam Sam.

Time, perfect. Erin?

Time, perfect. Can I do another one?

Erin, would it help you at all if I played a track I have that is a horror movie trailer soundtrack?

Yes.

Do you think maybe you could get the one you want?

Yes.

Okay, let me... Yes.

All right.

JBC, give me a title.

All right, Erin, your redemption topic is, look booze talking now, whenever you're ready.

Great.

Yep, I'm 40 weeks pregnant. We're just sort of waiting for the baby to come. We've been nesting. We're so happy we have that new house up on the hill. And yeah, it's been hard to move in there. Obviously, it's an old house, but we're so excited to meet our new baby. It's a boy! And everyone's so excited. They're celebrating and they come home from the hospital. And... Hello, Mother. This Halloween.

Why can you talk? You're like three days old.

Of course I can talk, Mother. I lived in this house for a very, very long time. A very long time ago. I just want my baby back. But mother, I am your baby. There's just a few things I need you to do or else I'll cry and you'll die.

Margo Martindale is. Look, Boo's talking.

Mother, where are you? I don't have object permanence and I can't see you. Look, Boo's talking now. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck Adal, fuck GBC, fuck Casey, fuck all y'all, I nailed it! Erin Keif is back, baby! Not a hungover at all anymore. Love y'all. Happy Halloween!

Oh, very good. Very good.

Was that better?

Yeah, that was much better. That was fantastic. Hello, mommy. You can't talk. You're three days old.

Hello, mommy. Yeah, Erin, that was very good. You killed it on that one. Thank you. That was fantastic. Oh, cool.

Any notes?

Cut the whole thing.

Created by Adal Rifai. I'm Riddle Riddle.

Hey there dogs and noodles, if you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We do an improv fantasy draft. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey Riddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a headgum podcast.