Which Riddle Riddle?

This is a HeadGum podcast.

Oh come right in Mr. Deny Fire. Hey JPC. Oh yes. Erin's pretending to be a butler to win us back. So just play along. Mr. Deny Fire. Got it. How are you doing today?

Well hello my lords, and may I just say... Oh, finish your drink of water before you address this, Mr. Deuxeter.

Oh sorry. Yeah.

It's down my new, I mean, not my new, I've had this suit a long time, I didn't keep the tags on.

Oh, sits can be new.

Right. And my lords, can I just say you two are just the funniest, tallest comedians I've ever seen.

Oh, thank you so much. It's so nice of you to say. I don't think anybody's called us tall since JBC, would you say Erin Keif?

Yeah. You know what? I would. And I just wanted to say to you, Adal, when she's out of earshot, How much I really enjoy Erin on the show.

But I feel like, um, I love Erin so much. I feel like she's so, she's so sweet. She's so funny. She's so warm and generous and just, she's everything I want. But if I ever saw her, I don't know if I'd say that to her face because, you know, we would kind of have this like little thing going on. The three of us, we all just kind of, you know, poke and tease.

So I don't know if I'll ever say it to her face.

You spilled some water on your face.

Yes, my lord.

Mr. Denyfire, your face, it appears to be melting off. I don't want to say melting.

Speaking of melting, let me go get you some ice cream sundaes.

I don't want to melt an ice cream sundae. Hold on. What's the vibe? What's the vibe here? You think I... He's gone.

You said Erin. Someone's at the door. Let's see who it is. I'm Adal Rifai, that's JPC.

There's Mr. Deny Fire halfway morphing into Erin Keif and welcome to another episode of Hey Riddle Riddle.

Hello.

When you said deny fire at first, I was like, what is this? What's going on? It took me a full couple of beats before I was like, this is a Mrs. Doubtfire layout.

Can I tell you, I almost went with Mr. Deny Flame, and then I was like, Mr. Deny Flame is too long a road for anyone to figure out what I'm going for. So I was like, let me keep one of the words, which is fire, and deny as a synonym for doubt. And even still, I think I was like, I hope this makes sense that she's winning back her kids.

I loved it. I got it. I understood.

Erin, I think that'd make a great Halloween costume for you.

Yeah, could you tell how good my acting was that I understood what you were going for?

I did so good in that opening.

I'm trying to win an Emmy.

Oh, do they have those for podcasts? Oh my gosh, this changes everything.

Well, they don't have Emmys for podcasts, but they do have like the equivalent of a podcast Emmy. Oh, you have to pay to play. Yeah, it's probably like a Kids' Choice podcast award or something like that.

Ready to get into some riddles?

I am. Wait, what the fuck? Just like that, Erin?

Yeah. Oh, everyone's kind of scared and upset.

No, I'm ready. I guess I'm ready. Yeah. I'm ready to be whipped into shape because we don't do a lot of riddles anymore. I think it's time we hit the road.

I think we still do a lot of riddles. I think we still do a lot of riddles. I feel like we still do a lot of riddles.

That's because you were confused by my setup for Mr. Denyfire.

Erin, how many fucking times do we have to say that we're ready? Okay. Stop asking.

Visit Denyfryero. Nevermind. Go ahead.

Okay, I have a thousand arms, a thousand legs, and 500 heads. Who am I?

Fucked up bug. Insane. Insane bug. Insane fucked up bug. Two bugs smushed together. Two millipedes fucking. Millipede fucking. Millipede fucking. Millipede fucking.

And time. It took, let's see, five minutes and 33 seconds to get to millipede fucking. Whoever had that, you win.

Erin, hold on.

That's a free space, Erin. That's a free space.

Thousand legs, thousand legs, 500 heads. Is that right?

Thousand arms, thousand legs, 500 heads. What am I?

The cast of Game of Thrones?

You'll hate this answer. Is this like 500 people hugging or? Oh I wish.

I'll read it one more time and give you the answer. I have a thousand arms, a thousand legs, and 500 heads. Who am I? I am a liar.

Wow.

I thought that would really upset you.

That's the tone that you wanted to start the episode off with? That's not a riddle.

I actually like this because it keeps us on our toes. I like this because it keeps us on our toes because now we feel we're not crazy. Some riddles are terrible.

Yep.

Yeah. I think this sets a good present.

It's only up from here. All right. Next one.

This is like that script on Blood of the Clock Tower when you can execute the storyteller. It's like, come on, what are we talking about here? Do the rules mean nothing anymore?

Walk on the living. They don't even mumble. Walk on the dead. They mutter and grumble. What are they?

These are liars. These are another set of fucking liars.

Oh, I broke him. I hurt him.

There are no rules. Who can I even believe? Who do I trust?

Up is down and down is left. Walk on the living and they don't say a word. They don't even mumble. Would this be like a masseuse? Like when they walk on your back? But if they're dead, you'd like break their bones because they're brittle. When a masseuse walks on your back, you don't even mumble? I don't want to be rude.

Walk on the living, they don't even mumble. Walk in the dead, they mutter and grumble.

I do want to see a scene. Adal, it's your first time at a masseuse. You kind of don't really know what to expect. You're a little hesitant. And Erin, you're a very unconventional masseuse.

Hello. Okay, hi. Thank you so much for coming in. Yeah. I'm gonna, if you want to step out, I'm gonna undress to my comfort level and lay on the table.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I thought you're here for a massage too. Let me get... Oh, no, no.

I'm the massage therapist, but I'm sort of having a day.

So you like help the masseuse deal with their family problems?

Nope. I always just thought I would get on the table and you would give me a massage.

Whatever. I've never had one. So whatever, however this goes, you tell me.

Yeah, you give me a massage and do it how you would want someone to do to you. And if I don't fall asleep, then I'll give you a massage after.

Okay. And just so I'm, I have this right, cause I want to make sure I'm not shorting you. This is $180 an hour.

Oh my gosh. Ah, I get why you would think that this is insane and feels crazy. It is $380 an hour.

More. And I pay you.

Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Yes. And then a tip is like expected.

Uh, demanded. Yes.

Okay. Let me, okay. Um, all right. Let me just, uh, get my sleeves rolled up here and, um, I'm going to put some butter on my hands because I assume that's what you're all, y'all are using all the time. Yes. Get some butter on my hands and let's, um, is there anywhere you don't want me to put butter?

No, just like shoulder neck. That's great.

Okay. All right.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Sorry.

What did I... Oh, keep going.

We cut to the reception at the very front of the masseuse place. And sir, how was your massage today? I...

Don't think I'll be back.

That's the fee, yes, but that's the upfront fee. And you can trust that you can make some of your money back on the questionnaire.

Because it's possible. It's like a game.

Yeah.

OK.

All right, so first question. How much butter did you use today?

I'd say three sticks.

Three sticks. OK, so that's going to be an additional charge. Of course. OK. Did you wash your hands? In butter.

OK, that's even more expensive than soap in today's economy. That makes sense. That makes sense.

Hey honey, I can't believe we're getting away with... Oh my gosh, you're still doing the questionnaire.

Okay, I'll walk away.

Sorry.

What were you... Oh nothing, sorry. No, no, no, nothing.

All she wanted to say was that we are so glad that you came in today. The total for all the butter and everything included is $500 even. And don't worry about tip, we already put tip in there. And then you just sit down right where I'm sitting and be the receptionist for the rest of the day. Just go ahead and check in. Everybody do the questionnaire with them. Make sure that their credit card goes through.

Sure. And I'll say just for, so you know, because when I was coming in here, the sign on the door did say for rent, and it seems like it was actively for rent. So I don't know if that's going to sort of dissuade customers from popping in. That's the name of the store.

It's for it. It's actually one word.

For Sale.

No, for it. For it. We're a foreign. We're a new kind of a massage parlor.

Yeah, but not one you should tell like anyone from the city about.

Okay. No, you don't have the city, are you? I'm from the city. I'm from the city. But I'm a rube.

Okay. Alright. Walk on the living. They don't even mumble. Walk in the dead. They mutter and grumble. What are they?

Might as well be walking on the dead. Is this like insect? Like some sort of insect? No.

This one sounds so fucking familiar. I'm sure. I'm almost 100% positive we've done this on the show. Then why don't you do it? That's the thing, I don't know any of them. But it does sound like something I should know.

Yeah, this definitely could have been done on the show before. But I like this one, so.

This is good. Does this have anything to do with graveyards or cemeteries or anything?

No. It has to... Think of what is something that is alive.

Walk on the living. They don't even mumble. Walk on the dead.

What's alive? What are some things that are alive?

People. Worms. Bugs. Insects. Bugs. Ideas.

Not animals or people or bugs. Plants.

No, what else? Plants.

Yes, plants are alive.

Oh, dead leaves. Leaves. Wow. This is amazing. I love this one.

I'd like to see a scene. Adal, you are a guy going on a really luxurious autumn walk. JPC, you're a dead leaf that he steps on and I want you're not too happy that he's stepping on you.

OK.

Cash me a sweater on. Starbucks pumpkin latte in hand. All bird sneakers comfortably wrapped inside my Meryl boots. Ah, fall. Oh! I guess... I guess fuck me! Oh! Oh no, I'm so... I saw... What the hell? No, I saw a pile of leaves and I can't... No, I'm good.

No, I'm good. Oh.

Keep walking. Should we exchange numb? Do you have to leave to have phone insurance?

Let me find an insurance claim for my fucking spine. Which is all crumbled up and fucked now.

Oh, let me... Oh, looks around.

What's your name asshole?

Picks up some dirt. Here's some of your money for you. I think we're good here.

Oh good. This guy's trying to bury me.

He's trying to put me in the dirt. No, no, no, no. I thought dirt was like a form of... My name... Carol. Hey Carol. Hey neighbor. Yeah, hey. I was walking through your lawn because whenever I see a pile of raked leaves I can't help but walk through it because that's satisfying crunch. Did you install some sort of haunted three weeks to Halloween? Is there some sort of speaker in here or something?

No. Please don't go on my lawn.

Satisfying crunch. Satisfying crunch. You're some sort of fucking, fucking masochist or some shit. You enjoy it, huh?

Just to get ahead of this, I didn't know the crunch was your spines. If I would have known that, I never would have walked across.

What else would the crunch be?

Honestly, I don't know. I thought it was like Chicharron to like, you know, like when pig skin gets crispy? I thought it was like skin, like Chicharron.

Oh, so you like to burn the skin of pigs too, you fucking sicko.

Not personally, but I'll consume it if it's, you know, what? Listen, how can we make this? You put out your hand, I put something in your hand, this all goes away. What can I put in your hand?

There's only one way to make this, right? You're not gonna like it.

You step on my spine?

No. I love to do that, but I'm a leaf. That seems improbable. You pick up all my little pieces on the ground, you chew me up, you eat me, you swallow me, and I get to live inside you now. You're my new tree. You're my new tree home.

Hey Carol.

Yup.

Is it okay if I eat some of your leaves?

What's your deal, man?

I will say I am on peyote.

Yeah, there it is, huh? Start with that.

She's on the porch with a rake. She just took a break from raking the leaves and you're in there just eating the leaves at this pile.

She's texting her friends this guy again.

Alright, so I got two more from this list.

Okay. Erin, that was a great one. That's an all-timer right there.

I agree. What do you call a leprechaun's vacation home?

A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest.

A modest. A modest. A modest. A modest.

A modest.

A modest.

A modest.

A modest.

A lepre... A lepre-condo. A lepre-condo.

A lepre-condo.

I'd like to see a scene.

Oh, Erin, is it a Marie Kondo except it's a lepre-con?

Nope, it's not. I'm so sorry. At JPC, you're a real estate agent and you are trying to sell Adal, who is a lepre-con, on a condo that you're showing him.

And Erin, if I may, would you mind joining me in this thing? I think we haven't seen enough Erin in scenes.

No, you know, I am busy that day. I'm actually looking at my calendar. Yeah, I know.

It's right now. But, you know, that makes sense. I'm gonna make you Carol again. Don't worry.

I know. I was hoping to be.

Okay, so this is the place. It's got Western facing windows. So you're gonna get some of that nice afternoon light.

Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry. Oh.

Nothing to apologize for. To this washing machine. Does this washing machine, does it take height or tide? Height or tide parts?

Yeah, it's a washing machine. I think it takes pretty much any type of detergent that you would want to put in the washing machine. Of course, this comes with the unit.

Oh, the unit, yes. No, that's circumcise.

Okay, so, well, that's the end of the tour, as it were.

Oh, we're at the end of the tour. That is where I hide the mortgage.

Okay, yeah. Again, I guess that's something that you take up with the bank. Not really.

Oh, no, Sonny, no banks for me. I don't trust them. Me part of mortgage is what I have here. My cauldron of mortgage right here Deep your hands into the pot of mortgage and feast, ye lad.

Okay. Uh, no, I'm not going to be putting my hand in your bucket. Uh, I don't, I don't really know. What is this? What is it? It's a KFC. It's a KFC bucket.

Well, it was a KFC bucket, but the minute I put money in it, it became me pot of morg. Can I ask you something? Are pets allowed? It's a house. Yeah.

Are pets allowed in the house? Yeah. Would you buy it? Oh, look, did, did Rick send you? Are you another person who's just trying to fuck with my numbers? Because I really am trying to sell this place.

No, but I do. Rick, he got me. He grabbed onto me, he latched on, and he guessed my real name.

So you do know Rick. So you're admitting that you know Rick. Rick, come on out.

Well, well, well, you figured me out. You fuck.

You do this every week, Rick. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't poach your sale. Your client just chose me. It's nothing that I did to you. It's not personal.

You poached my sale.

I did it.

You did. And now I defined a real leprechaun to help me sabotage you. Do you know how hard it is to find a real leprechaun?

This guy's 5'10". This is not a leprechaun. No. No.

He said he was. No.

He's got a KFC bucket full of- I'm 5'9 talking wet. Bullshit, you're 5'9. I'm 5'7. If you're 5'9, I'll eat my fucking hat.

Oh, is that a promise? Eat your hat.

Oh, I see what this is.

Can I go? No.

You're part of this. You're part of this now, Leprechaun. Get my tape measure. No, get my tape measure. I'm gonna eat my hat if I'm wrong about you being 5'10". Alright, let's see.

Get your tape measure. Do you keep your stuff in this house? Are you living here?

You were in the garden. There are 34 people in the yard. You killed 30. How many people are in the garden?

Wow. Okay.

I hate this one and it's confusing to me so I'm hoping that you can help me understand it.

Are you the only one in the garden and everyone else is in the yard?

I don't know.

Is the garden in the yard?

Erin, what do you mean I don't know? I gave you my guess the answer and you said I don't know.

Here's what I'll ask, Erin. Is the answer a concrete number, or is it some sort of like, surely I can't tell because the, et cetera, et cetera.

No, it's a concrete number, but GPC, what did you say? Because you might've said the right answer.

I said one. Yeah, it's one. Yeah.

Only the killer. Only one, the killer. I see, I see. If he killed 30, the other four would have run away, so the killer would be the only one left.

But wait, wasn't there a delineation between garden and yard?

I know. This is what I'm saying.

This one sucks. I do want to see you see. Okay. Um, Erin, you are, um, there's sort of a lawn part, like a housewarming party, um, in a lawn in JPC's lawn. Um, and as he's sort of mingling and making the rounds, he does notice you like in his bushes, um, with a knife and he's coming over to chat with you.

Hey, sorry. Sorry. Didn't mean to, don't mean to alarm you. I'm Jeff.

Hi.

Hey, this is my, yeah, this is my house.

Hi, yeah, love, love, love. Beautiful paint color. Is that Benjamin Moore?

It is, yeah, it's Benjamin Moore. Hey, you know, we have so many burgers that like, you know, we just have an overabundance. We have some beer. I couldn't help but notice for the last couple of hours, you've been kind of in these bushes over here. I just want to know if maybe you'd like to come into the party and join people, meet people.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. That's fine, that's fine. I came over here to ask if I could borrow a knife.

Well, you have a knife, and it looks like you're gripping that thing pretty hard.

That's where my knife went.

Yeah, really big grip on that knife.

You know when you're looking for your glasses and then they're on your head the whole time that you're wearing them and you're looking for your glasses? That's one of these classic situations.

Hey, you know what? Why don't we do this? Why don't you put the knife down? We'll just leave it right here on the ground where you have it now. Come in out of the bushes. Come into the Joy the Party. Do you have plans today?

I had a plan.

Yeah, did you?

Yeah, I had a plan.

Yeah, did you kind of maybe lose your nerve to do your plan?

Yeah.

Yeah. Because you've been watching me for the past couple of hours, kind of watching me how the way I interact with my guests, how I'm not really... I don't want to... I'm gonna use a phrase that I promise you I never use, and it's not a phrase that I think that you have used before. It's just a phrase that's coming to mind. I'm not a big phony, as someone may have painted on my garage a couple weeks ago.

That's not who I am. Oh, whoa. And it doesn't matter. Someone said that?

I don't know, and it doesn't matter. Why don't you come meet some people? Have fun.

I think I could have a burger and then do my plan. They just smell so good.

I think you can. But here's what I'm gonna say, Chris, and I'm taking a wild guess that your name is Chris. Is your name Chris?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna say you have one of these burgers, Chris. I don't think you're gonna want to do your plan. That's all I'm thinking.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I love you. I know.

And hey, isn't it hard to get a new neighbor? Isn't it hard to get a new neighbor? The most understanding guy.

Just so patient. I love the idea of John Wilkes Booth sitting in a room in the Ford Theater and someone's like, hey buddy, do you have a plan? And he's like, yeah, did you lose your nerve? Yeah. You want to watch the play and maybe you'll change your mind? Yeah, maybe I'll watch the play.

Yeah, watch the play and maybe I change my mind.

You tired?

Yeah, I want to play and maybe I change my mind.

But we're not going to shoot the president, are we?

No, we joke, but that's how men literally are. Men who do that are children.

Yes. Men will literally shoot the president instead of going to therapy. Yep.

What time is it? No, it's not. Well then this is not going to be a graceful time to do this but we are we're not done with Molly's riddles books but we're gonna we have a lot of riddle books that have been brought to shows live shows by different people so now we're gonna move on to Emily's riddle book so hit us with that theme Arnie.

It's time for

We don't have a Riddle Books theme for Emily yet. We just don't. It's KC. We don't have one yet. Okay. It'll be here next time, but we don't right now. So just fucking get over it. I'm all you got. Okay. Right now you and me are in this together. Okay. And I'm not stuck in here with you. You're stuck in here with me with Emily's riddles.

Thank you, Arnie. Great.

And where were those last fucking riddles from? Because those were... They were from my butt. Oh, interesting. I'm so glad I didn't say anything bad about Erin's butt because I would have had to eat my fucking words there.

Pick a number one through ten.

Three.

But the two of you have to agree on the number.

Oh, then I'll never agree to three and I'll only agree to six.

Okay, three plus six is nine.

And, I agree, six.

Alright.

Oh, also, Erin, those last riddles, I think I have pink eye now.

Where'd you say that from? Never mind. This chapter is called, Lightning Strikes Out. This is a vintage book of sciency riddles. And so let's go into the lightning section of it.

Ah, science. The one thing that you want to be vintage. Vintage science. Never approve the pot again.

Okay.

If Lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

Okay, so JBC, remember this is science-based, so the metal closest to the heavens gets struck first, so that would be like the cello, or the conductor has a metal wand.

But Adal remember, it's a riddle, so it's a misdirect. So who is most likely to get hit? I'm going to say the orchestra company with a huge lawsuit or wrongful lightning strike.

That is correct.

Ooh, is that correct?

Yes.

I'm going to say the concert hall because if they're indoors, the roof will absorb the lighting, we hope.

No. Okay. So this is an outdoor orchestra performing in a lightning store. Is this like baseball rules? It's like it's raining pretty hard, but we didn't see lightning so we don't pack it in.

We're gonna roll up the orchestra turf. I'm gonna say that if this is like a real, if this is science-based, I'm gonna go with a conductor because they probably have the most height with their, if they have a metal, whatever you call that, their little baton or magic wand.

If you ever watch an orchestra concert or that has a conductor

Try and blur out the rest of the band and just look at the conductor and they look like a little wizard, like a fancy little wizard.

Yeah, I'd like to see a scene.

Hey guys, hey real quick though, and this is just GPC talking, but like that's, that's not how it works, right? Is the conductor conductor or is that real?

Is that real? Back then, you were chipped and if you were a conductor, you were chipped. Okay.

Okay. I'd like to see a scene. GPC, you're an orchestra conductor and you've just been struck by lightning, but you're trying to play it off like you haven't.

Hey what? Okay, keep going.

Hey Brian. Hey Brian. Brian.

Nope. Nope. Keep going. Tibbles. Tibbles. Why don't you sit down?

Why don't you sit down? Tibbles. Tibbles?

Do you mean some dudes? I'll do the siblings. I'll do the siblings. If you can't do the symbols. Simples cracks.

Brian. Hey Brian. Brian, you gotta lay down.

Right side of the orchestra, take a break. You're obviously right here.

The right side of your face is drooping. I think you- No. Buddy said that just- No, that's for the song.

Josh, let him try. Just let him try for 30 seconds and then we'll tell him to stop.

You should be playing trombone. You shouldn't be up here. Sit back down and play trombone. Okay, now I'm gonna turn around. Right side of the orchestra, take a break. Left side, pick it up. Left side, pick it up, because I'm turning around. Now I'm doing the left side.

You're just pointing at us again and again. Where are we at in the music?

Okay, pause. Pause the music. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Excuse me for one second while I talk to my orchestra. Guys, do you want to be here?

He's facing the audience now.

Come on. I know we all got stuff to do. We can all be at the hospital, getting the medicine that we need. I'm a doctor. You're not tonight, you're not.

No sir, no sir, sit back. Sir in the audience please sit down.

Tonight you're just enjoying your time. You paid a lot of money for the orchestra. We're going to keep... Oh, that hit again. Hey, it fixed me. I'm all better now. I'm better on both sides. What? Hold on. What fixed you? Say symbols. Slimables. Slimables.

They fixed me. Honestly Sarah, that was pretty close. Should we get it to them?

And a two, and a through, and a root, and a grip.

Nope.

Something's wrong. Nope. Something's wrong. Symbols. Crash them. You know what folks? Pause. Pause everyone.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry everybody that my band is so unprofessional. I'm going to lay down right now. I'm going to take a little five minute micro nap. It's going to be so brief. I'm just going to take off one shoe, take off the other shoe, take off my shirt, fold it, fold my shirt.

Boss, why don't you just go to the hospital? We'll get the backup conductor to continue.

You want Pete to come out here? He doesn't even know what he's doing.

Great, but let's just take it from the top. Just try to start us over. Hey, Sarah.

Hey, Sarah. I can see his brain is starting to leak out of his... Let him try. That's bad.

Okay. Are we ready? Are we ready to be adults? Are we ready to be professionals? I think we're the villains here. We're ready. And the fire and the fire and the sneeze and the wires.

That was actually very good. Oh, wait. He wrapped himself up in an American flag. Thank you, everyone.

This has been Brian Seltzer, Orchard Scrum. And he's floating up to the ceiling. And he's floating up to the ceiling. Look under your chairs. Everyone has keys to a brand new finari. No, don't do that. I'm going to take a little. It's going to be a three minute quick, quick, quick, quick, quick nap. Quick nap. Three minute death. And I'll take a quick bow.

Oh boy.

Oh no.

It fixed him. Sweet.

He's back.

I think that's my new favorite character. I'm not even kidding. I absolutely loved that.

Guy who keeps getting struck by lightning? Sure.

Casey said, how old laughing? I knew. I knew it was that funny. Okay.

The electricity is just bouncing around inside of him causing more and more damage. Belting, belting, belting.

What is the difference between electricity and lightning?

Charge.

That's the answer.

It feels a little like... Is it something to do with Benjamin Franklin and the key or something?

No.

Is the answer conductor again? Yeah, it's gotta be conductor.

I'll tell you what it is. Could it be transducer? That could be something.

No. I'll just say that one is free and one is not, and that's the answer. You have to pay for electricity. You don't have to pay for lightning.

You pay for it. That conductor paid for it. In many ways. In many ways he didn't pay for it. And you know what, honestly? I think we have to take a little break for us to get paid for it and run some ads.

And I'm gonna listen to Live. Remember Live? That song, Lightning Crashes?

Yeah. Yeah. Live is the band. Lightning Crashes is the song. Whichever. You know that they never performed live? Or they always performed live. One of me always performs live, the other one is always the bad one.

Wait, was it live? I only saw the album.

Live live!

Laugh.

I know what you're thinking. Do I have a new hat, Adal and JPC? New haircut? Why am I walking around with so much confidence?

I bet you're wondering. I wanted pretzels from the food court.

And I was just gonna let you know that it looks like you leaned on paint.

Anyways, I just had a bunch of subscriptions canceled for me by Rocket Money that I wasn't using until now I'm flushed with cash and now I'm confident. Pretzel money? Well, maybe. We'll talk about that. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. I've been using it for years, even before they were a sponsor.

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Hey, what's going on? Somebody leaned over my rocket money paint thing. Run. Everybody run. Run. Oh no.

Maroon.

Is that DaVinci?

Yeah. Yes.

And bye. Lightning crashes and old mother riddles. Her placenta falls to the floor Lightning Crashes, a dolphin is crying Lightning Crashes, we're in the shit town

What does an electrician say when he goes to the doctor?

Don't charge me. Don't put a fork in me, I'm done. Yeah.

I have a negative charge.

I'll have a negative charge. I'm current on my bill.

I'm just gonna tell you.

Ohm? Ohm? Is this something to do with ohms and ohms?

What's up, doc?

Wow. Looney Toon. They're ripping out this book, so we're ripping off Bugs Bunny.

We were on the right track, but the pun there was such a fucking stretch.

How do you electrify a vampire?

Oh, how do you electrify a vampire? That's going to be a steak. A steak? Electric steak. Hook up a steak to a car battery.

Oop, you kind of said it.

Oh, a battery?

Oh, a battery. Battery.

Battery. Something with a battery.

Yes, battery. All right, Adal, you are a vampire and JPC is trying to kill you and he's trying all sorts of different things to see if it'll work.

No. Okay, I am so... Knife in the throat doesn't work.

Is it painful? I'm so sorry.

No, it itches.

Okay, good. I'm trying to be as ethical as possible here, and I just wanna... If at any time you are in any sort of discomfort, if there's anything I can get for you, like a painkiller... Do you mind if I text while I do this? I'd let you, but I really have to keep your hands tied down. I've had some vampires that I trusted. Yeah, but they jetted out. Well, there's not going to be any sunlight in this basement. Let me try this. I'm going to turn my flashlight on my phone all the way up. How does this?

Is that killing you? You're killing the battery. It's not killing me, killing the battery. Good boy. Can I have some of the garlic naan you made? It doesn't hurt, it actually just, it's killing me because it smells so good.

My doctor told me that it's like I have to start setting boundaries for myself and this is my lunch and I actually do need it because what I'm doing is like it takes a lot of energy so I'm sorry I have to set a boundary there. No problem. I could make you up some more but honestly I just I really I mean I'm gonna try just to focus on like killing you.

Can I give you a hint just to speed up the process?

I would love a hint but Hey Riddle.

Oh speaking of symbols, did you see that conductor who got struck by lightning? He couldn't say symbols. Is that my hit? Would that do it? If I got you hit you with lightning? Well actually he was interviewed by Sybil Shepherd and then he called her Sybil Shepherd so he did say it at some point.

You know what? I hate this but I am so crunched for time today. It's insane. Could I have a hint on how to kill you?

I'm so sorry to hear this. Well, if you must know, the hint.

The hint is I was just actually stalling for time because I don't know if you know this but vampires hunt in packs. Okay, so the hint is you're st- Oh, Maribel! Blay! Blay!

Yes, there's Maribel's behind you.

Thanks, I'm laid! Blay! Maribel.

Thank God you're here. This is Maribel, this is my assistant. She talks like that.

She talks like that.

Cause she was hit by lightning. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

What did the mad scientist get when he made an exact duplicate of Texas?

Adal, I heard that. 32 electoral votes or something like that. When he made an exact duplicate of Texas? The mad scientist.

Oh boy. Does this have something to do with cowboys or lassos or steers or something?

This is going to be a pun. Something to do with Texas.

A Texas pun.

What's the state nickname?

Oh, yeah. One star. The lone... Duplicate. Two stars.

Two stars from the Alp. No, when he made an exact duplicate.

We got two stars, which would be... When you make an exact duplicate of something you... A Repli- Clone? A clone? Clone Star State. The Clone Star State. Clone Star State. Would Texas fuck its clone, do you think? I am so confused as to what this book is. Yeah, this is weird. I was like a kid. No, no, I love it, I love it. I'm just saying it's weird. I thought it was like a textbook, like a science book.

You thought it was a textbook. All right. I want to say Adal and I are confused about you doing this.

I'm going to read this until you beg me to come back and be Old Man Puzzles.

Jokes on you. I'm dying to hear about celebrity gossip.

Oh my God. They're just like us.

Give us the lead. Give us the lead.

And what's Clooney doing now?

Talking, walking, fucking thinking, smiling, acting, making tequila.

Wow, people is getting way less specific than I remember it.

Erin, can we please have more riddles from that book? I genuinely do love it. Mike, you probably aren't interested in something like that.

No, please, Erin.

Honestly, Erin, I could hear another People magazine, so I think that last one was a big winner. Whatever. I could hear one more.

I think, hey JPC, I think Erin got upset because she wrote these riddles.

When does a battery go shopping by Erin Keif?

Age eight.

Age eight.

When does a battery go shopping when it's not der-selling anything? When it's triple, when it's double, uh, when it's a battery? When it's energized? When it's, uh, when it's charging?

When it's charging? When it's charging? When it's charging? When it's charging? When it's charging? When it's charging? When it's charging?

When it's charging?

This is like trying to think of a pun backwards is so hard.

Yeah, this is tough.

When does a battery go shopping?

A nup. We call these nups. When does a battery go shopping? When does a battery go shopping? Is this like a play on a store name or is this a play on like something we do when we shop?

It's a battery.

It's a battery pun. So what do batteries do? We know they have the plus and minus.

Is it when there's a Dura sale?

When there's a Dura sale? No.

Fuck. That's as good as I can do. I think so, yeah. I can't do better than when there's a Dura Sale.

When it's Copper Top of the Morning. When it's... Okay, what do batteries do?

What do you buy at the store? What do you buy at the grocery store? Me? No, not you, weirdo. No one wants to know what you buy. What about a drink?

Yeah, I'm back again. Just more walnuts for me. So I know I was here 20 minutes ago, but I get home and the recipe calls for even more walnuts. So anyway, just a cart full of walnuts.

Is it like batter tea or something?

No. What else? What are some drinks you can buy?

Water. It's the craziest story. That's funny that you should ask. You say that you've been having a bunch of squirrels come in here dressed like people? That's so wild.

We know you're squirrels, man. We know you're squirrels, man. Get the hell out of here.

Kathy, you are my favorite. All right, cashier of the checkout. Anyway, just the walnuts and... Oh my God. Okay, so my hat and coat blew off. That was quite a sneeze. I had some tattoos done recently.

Those flew off too with your hat and coat. Yeah, I'm squirrels.

I'm squirrels and I don't have any money.

Is that going to be an issue? That's a good excuse for getting out of something. Hey, I can't make the baby shower. I'm squirrels.

No, I just got back from the allergist. He did the test. Turns out I'm a bunch of squirrels.

When it runs out of juice. That's when it goes shopping.

What? Adal. Adal. Adal. That's good?

Am I insane?

Brad Pitt is outside today.

Oh God, I hope he's wearing sunscreen. At his age? Brad, protect yourself. Heavy zinc too. White when it goes on and rub out clean.

He's a daywalker. Erin, can we hear some more, please?

Oh no, you want to hear more? Why did the mad scientist study electricity? Same guy? Yeah.

Is this the Texas guy?

Yeah.

He's the same guy?

I don't know, man. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, because it is, because... Oh no, it actually is a different guy. Now we're talking about this guy.

Oh, we have pictures or photos we should say. That looks... Neither one of those guys is a scientist. Yeah.

Rude.

It looks like those big blocks in Mario that fall down when you run under him, but as a caveman.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So what's the question here? What did he study in college? What did the mad scientist study in college?

Or no, why did the mad scientist study electricity?

Why did the mad... Why did he study? Because he got his G-E-D.

That's great.

General electric.

That's great, Erin says.

It goes to sleep. Not it, but great.

Why did the mad scientist study electricity? Because it gave him a jolt.

He had a spark of inspiration. No, but that's an answer to the next one.

Why did the mad scientist touch a live wire? He got a charge out of it. We already got that one.

I like that we should just be able to guess any riddle that's going to happen at any time.

Erin, I think if I can pinpoint what's going on here. I think we love these when we get them right and we hate them when we don't. If that makes sense?

Yeah.

Yeah. I do want to see a scene real quick. So this is going to be an intro. It's going to be like an intro level, intro to chemistry, like college class, big lecture hall. Adal, you're going to be the one who is teaching in this lecture hall. And Erin, you're going to be a mad scientist who has attended this because you're really trying to figure out how to make your super weapon. But it is very much an intro class. You're going to be interrupting.

Great.

Hey everyone, my name is Mr. Chemicals.

Hi Mr. Chemicals.

Sorry, did someone bring a puppet to class? Who said that? Is someone doing puppets voices?

No, just my voice. Stand up.

Okay, I saw movement, but I still don't see a head. You must be very short. Maybe raise your hand. Can someone lift up whoever's doing that?

It's this guy. It's this guy right behind me.

Okay. Oh, oh, wow. You are older than most.

Never too late to learn.

Well, I think actually it is. I think at a certain age, you should just study at home like Coursera or something. What is your name?

Dr. Payne.

Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne. Oh, Thomas Boner Paine. That's what I have here on the episode.

Sorry to interrupt your lesson. Continue, continue.

Okay. So anyway, as I was saying, my name is Mr. Chemicals and welcome to the fascinating world of chemistry. Now you all have bunsons and beakers in front of you. What we're going to be doing on our first day is I'm sure we've all seen the trademark baking soda in a volcano. Well, we're going to sort of one up that. Is someone raising their hand? I hear a ooh ooh, but I don't see... It's the same guy behind me.

It's the same guy behind me.

We gotta get you a little basket to sit on or something. Yes, Mr. Payne.

I have a hypothetical question. Okay. How did you explode something so big that a whole city gets destroyed?

Well, that's interesting because this actually happens in, not in modern days, but I'm sure you've heard of Pompeii. No one? Huh. Well that's okay. This is an intro level class. I thought that was a volcano and not a bomb.

That's what I'm saying Dr. Payne.

Is that bombs don't necessarily have that power, at least not yet. Even an atomic bomb cannot level an entire city. I mean, it could level a town, but a full city, not necessarily.

Atomic bomb can level a town, not a city. You recommend not the atomic bomb?

Well, volcanoes are nature's bombs. So is the hypothetical town or city near a volcano?

How do you build a volcano?

Well, if you're Gaia.

Hey, did you guys see that new viral marketing campaign that they're doing for Oppenheimer where they're paying like super old guys to go into intro level chemistry classes and ask about building a bomb?

Yeah, I'm seeing Barbie. I'm seeing Barbie. Yeah, I'm seeing Barbie. I'm seeing Barbie. Alright, let's just do, let's just do one more. Why is Erin in trouble?

Wait, did we get that one? We didn't. What is a mad scientist study electricity? We never got that.

Oh, you never got it.

Um, because they, hmm.

Because they're hooked on electronics.

This one's confusing.

I'm just going to tell it to you. He wanted to keep up with current events.

Current, okay. Each one of these is a pun that is like almost impossible to know where they're going with the pun.

Because it's a pun within like a 10-word sentence. So it's hard to go, yeah.

Because current events would imply like he's studying Like electricity in media, or like electricity in the news, or you know, there's gotta be some other bridge to get me to current events.

I completely agree. If it was like, if it was like where does Dracula invest his blood, and you say, or his type O negative, it'd be blood bank, because the question helps guide you there. But if it's like where does Dracula buy his clothes, and it's like, you know. Joe's a blood bank. Wherever he wants to spend a few sucks, and it's like, how do you, no one can come up with that.

Yeah, yeah, it's... All right, I'll tell the good people of 1982 that you don't like their work.

Oh no, Erin, can I... Uh-oh, I'm in trouble. Wow, Adal, you got a lot of splay to do with your people. That's the year I was born.

That's your people, man. That's your history. That's your history.

Pick a number 1 through 9. And you have to agree on the number.

I also agree on 6. So 3 plus 6 is 9?

Nine again. You guys are picking nine again?

Why don't we do this? We'll honor Adal's original three, and we'll do nine minus three. So we'll go with six.

Pick a number, please.

Erin, read them all. I'll go with six.

And I'll say three. Come on. I'll cut my hair to buy Adal a watch bracelet.

Here's what I'm... No, I'll do six. I'll do six because it's on page 69.

Erin, I'm not trying to say anything about your judgment, but you know that character that's your favorite character of all time that JPC played earlier that was the conductor struck by a light dig? I don't think JPCs play a character. I think JPC was struck by lightning years ago and I think that can't be true.

You can let it all out in a scene like that.

We can't prove it.

So this chapter is called Don't Feed the Robots.

Okay.

Okay. Oh God. All right.

Never a good sign. Never a good sign. Erin says, oh, go.

How is it bad? Oh, go ahead.

Erin, sorry. When you said, don't feed the robots, actually someone wants to come on the microphone, a certain character who was excited to hear about don't feed the robots. Wow! Wow! I'm just kidding. We're dating now.

Me and Coco.

We're together.

I was truly about to do J.B. Riddles too. It's like everybody says fuck you.

I truly wanted, I was hoping that Dr. Payne and Dr. Chameleon, I wanted to fit in that Dr. Payne is Dr. Chameleon's little brother.

That rules. I almost did. I almost did Rip a Dr. Payne mask off at one point to just verify. Trust but verify.

Can we do literally three seconds?

Yeah.

JBC is JP Riddles. I'm sorry. They're their own people. Could J.P. Riddles come to the microphone? Is J.P. Riddles in the room with us now?

Okay, good. So you don't want me to do a J.P. Riddles impression, which I cannot do, could I?

Uh, Coco Cashmere and Dr. Camillion, can we just do three seconds of, um, what's that three stages bit where they're like, hello, hello, hello, something like that.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure.

We got to keep it short.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

There you go. That's nice.

That was nice.

Thank you for indulging me.

That was perfect.

I think that's great.

I've been thinking lately that we haven't heard from JP Riddles in a long time.

No.

We might need to do a whole JP Riddles episode with your permission, GPC.

That, frankly, is not fair.

Why?

You should be up saying we should do a whole JP Riddles episode because honestly, the JP Riddles thing, it's on you guys. Like you have to call for a swan lumps.

I can't pin myself into my own swan man. I think we're gonna do a full swan lumps episode.

That's like saying like, we haven't had dinner in so long. JPC, why don't you cook the whole fucking dinner?

I want dinner too! You think it's easy to talk to JP Riddles? You have to keep making up things that are weird about his body that day. You have to be like, JP Riddles, why do you have a fork in your face? And you have to be like,

Well, I can tell you why I got a fork in my face if you really want to know.

Cheepy Riddles? Yeah, why do you have a fork in your face?

Is it so you can get the little cars two options when they drive down it?

No, it's because I confused my face with a macaron cookie, and I love me a macaron cookie, and I tried to take a big fork full and accidentally stirmed my face. I can't take it out of my face because now I think it's an integral part. I think it's a load-bearing fork.

Oh, JP Riddles, be careful. That lightning's getting pretty close to you. Oh no, JP Riddles was struck by lightning canonically.

And I'm exactly the same!

It truly does not affect me. The lightning for Adal Rifai fell to the ground and shattered.

Yeah, the lightning's on the ground, casting for breath.

Wow. The lightning's on the ground. Wait a second. Were you two little shitbirds reading my Swan Lumps book?

Yeah, sorry. Can you read from Swan Lumps 108?

Yeah, please. Swan Lumps 108, the lightning's on the ground. Yay!

Wait, Mr. Riddles, are you living in a coffin these days?

I wouldn't call it living, I'd call it masturbating. Now, Swanlumps108, let's get to it. Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a very old, very crazy man.

Mr. Riddles, Mr. Riddles, are you talking about you?

Well, you'll just have to get to it. Anyway, he fucking died. And... Mr. Riddle's, Mr. Riddle's.

Uh-huh. Can you stop masturbating just for this story, please? I can.

He had a big funeral. He had a big funeral, and everybody from town came to pay their respects. Except one man who was really smart, and he got to the back of the line at the funeral after everyone else was gone. And he took the old man, he ripped him out of the coffin, and he took the coffin and said, this is gonna be my new jerkin' coffin. And he drug it out to the woods, and he threw it on the ground. And he got in. And he started going at it hard. I mean like he had something to prove, like it was a vendetta. And all of a sudden, a big storm breaks out, but he's so in the zone, he doesn't even notice it. And the lightning starts tap, tap, tap, tapping on that coffin. And finally, old JP Riddles, hmm, how to put this, he comes, and he opens up the casket, and he says, hey there Mr. Lightning, did you want to come in for a spell? And the lightning's like, Well, no, I mean, if you're fit, if it's okay with you. Well anyway, old JP Riddles is clever. He traps that lightning in the coffin. He sits on that box and that lightning starts fighting like handling it out of there. Mr. Riddles? Mr. Riddles? Like a squirrel driving in a coffin.

Yep. Mr. Riddles, every time you say lightning, 50 to 60 lightning bugs fly out of your mouth.

No, really? That's my gold. I need that. I bartered with those bugs. You, girl, you collect the bugs. And you, boy, you watch that she don't steal none. So anyway, he's got the squirrel trapped in the coffin. I mean lightning. I mean it's lightning in the shape of a squirrel. You understand how zoos could transform into any animal?

No.

Hey, shut up. Don't say no to me. JP Riddle's trapped lightning in there. It was a squirrel, but he knew it was lightning. So anyway, he opens the coffin. He grabs the squirrel by the haunches and says, sell me your Zeus magic. I want to know what Hera's up to. Ooh Hera, she's the finest of the gods and JP Riddle is going to make her his wife.

Mr. Riddle, did you just use your swan lumps book as a tissue?

Yes, but not for what you all think I was using a tissue for. Yeah, you asked. I don't know why you asked.

Me neither. What happened to the squirrel?

I mean the lightning. What squirrel? Lightning? Hera? Is she here? Ooh, if my wife finds me, she's gonna be so pissed I turned into an old crazy man and came down to earth to solve my mischief.

Mr. Riddle.

Mr. Riddles. Hera's not here, but there is a swan nearby.

I'm just playing. I'm not really Zeus. Anyway, time to catch my cloud. Zoink! A boink!

He dug a hole into the ground and went down like a pneumatic tube bank.

He was throwing up on himself the whole way down.

Wow. Hey guys, what did I miss?

Nothing. Not much.

But you are just, you're back just in time for plugs.

Oh good. I will say I miss JP Riddles. He's going to be around a lot more because I forgot. I simply forgot how funny you were.

Yeah, take that conductor struck by lightning. You're fucking nothing to us now.

Oh, brother. Passing fad. Adal, anything to plug?

A few things to plug. I would like to plug a new podcast I'm doing with my friends from World News Tonight. That's not the other two. It's called The Word Association. Please check that out.

I'm the biggest fan of this podcast. I can't stress you enough how much I love it. In episode three, I laughed so hard I had to go lay down.

Also check out my game show podcast called Tell Me About It hosted by actually another Adal Rifai and I also highly highly highly recommend you check out the podcasts Billbuds and sitcom D&D and both those shows have patreons which you can check out. Erin Keif anything you'd like to plug?

Um, I would like to plug sitcom D&D. We are in between seasons. It's a great time to catch up. We just started recording season four and it's really fun. So if you haven't given it a shot or you gave it a shot and you didn't really like it, just give it one more chance and check it out. Uh, GBC, any reviews? You forgot his name.

You forgot his name. I saw it.

J.P. Riddle, is there any funny reviews?

Sucks, because I absolutely know that you forgot my name there. Yes, I got a review on this one, and if you want to get a review featured on the show, just leave us a five-star review anywhere that you leave reviews. I'm always on the internet crawling through these review sites trying to find the five-star one so I can read them on the show. As an example, I read this one from Estes B. Estes B. writes, General Muckery. I don't know why it took this long for me to finally read a five-star review for this spectacular podcast. Every episode brightens my day and makes me laugh out loud. Adal, Erin, and JPC aren't maybe the funniest people alive, and I have failed to show how grateful I am for this show. I live in that failure, I acknowledge that failure, and I will let that failure make me stronger. And I get what you're laying down there, Estes B, and I really appreciate it. So thank you so much. What a great review. That was fantastic.

That was really kind.

Thank you, Estes. You know, I think that they might have the wrong three people, but I'm gonna let that solve for sure.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

Erin, because as we all know, the real funniest person in the in the entire Hey Riddle Riddle, you know, Uvra is... Uvra.

Well, actually, Erin's gone. It looks like it's Mr. Denyfire. Mr. Denyfire, do you know?

Which character is that? Oh, yes, my lord. Oh, of course. Hard to be, hard to be undercover when you say which character. Bye forever. Let's delete this episode. I'd like to start over please.

Could we start again?

Hey there morals and ethics. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We dive into some moral dilemmas and we solve them through the power of improv. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash hey riddle riddle by joining the Clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month and you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

That was a hate gun podcast.